1 00:00:01,050 --> 00:00:01,055 _ 2 00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:04,803 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 3 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,140 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 4 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,843 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 5 00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:14,846 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 6 00:00:14,881 --> 00:00:18,216 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 7 00:00:18,251 --> 00:00:21,486 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 8 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,255 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 9 00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:24,823 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 10 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:29,395 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 11 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,435 Hey, you think homeless people 12 00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:38,203 ever have sex with each other? 13 00:00:38,238 --> 00:00:40,072 Probably. But I don't want to think about it. 14 00:00:40,107 --> 00:00:41,673 I know for a fact they do. 15 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,542 I spend most of my day breaking up 16 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:46,411 in-progress homeless sex. I bet it stink. 17 00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:48,046 Oh, it stink all right. 18 00:00:48,081 --> 00:00:50,582 So we talking group stuff or just one-on-one? 19 00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:53,552 Oh, anything goes. Whatever you can fit under a tarp. 20 00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:55,554 There's a major hot spot behind the Dumpster 21 00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,222 at The Cheesecake Factory. 22 00:00:57,257 --> 00:00:59,758 Hey, what's up with the menus at The Cheesecake Factory? 23 00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,293 Why they got to be so big? 24 00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:03,295 Yeah, and why does their menu have ads? 25 00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:05,797 I go there for dinner, not to shop for appliances. 26 00:01:05,832 --> 00:01:08,200 Hey, you know what, guys? This right here, 27 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,368 this rambling, boring conversation containing 28 00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:12,270 already-made-before observations, 29 00:01:12,305 --> 00:01:14,106 this could be a podcast. 30 00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:15,941 Ah. That's actually not a bad idea. 31 00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:17,742 Really? A podcast? Don't you have to be 32 00:01:17,777 --> 00:01:19,578 some sort of whiz kid to do those? 33 00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,280 Uh, definitely not. Anyone with a computer can make one. 34 00:01:22,315 --> 00:01:24,149 Well, that's it... We're "anyone." 35 00:01:24,184 --> 00:01:26,618 Let's do a podcast from right here in the booth. 36 00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:28,286 Who's in? Let's do it! Yeah, sure. 37 00:01:28,321 --> 00:01:30,455 Is it happening? Are we doing it now? 38 00:01:30,490 --> 00:01:32,491 Awesome! We haven't done anything as a group 39 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,493 since we went birdwatching. 40 00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:35,927 Guys, look. 41 00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:37,996 It's the yellow-headed puffin face. 42 00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:39,331 Oh! Ooh! 43 00:01:39,366 --> 00:01:41,133 It's a solitary creature. 44 00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:44,169 It's feathered crown is designed to scare away mates. 45 00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:45,637 It's known to swell its face 46 00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:47,105 to assert dominance when threatened. 47 00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:48,907 What does it eat, Peter? 48 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:52,310 Gin and whatever's in the bowl at the airport bar. 49 00:01:57,851 --> 00:02:00,418 I said, damn, what a wild couple of days. 50 00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:02,487 Anyways, 'sup with you guys? 51 00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:05,357 Sorry, amigo, not interested. 52 00:02:08,028 --> 00:02:10,462 This is what happens when you lick your spilled latte 53 00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:11,863 off the steering wheel. 54 00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:13,198 She did that. She's gross. 55 00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:15,000 Lois, are you okay? Ugh. Yeah. 56 00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:17,435 It's just my allergies. They've been awful. 57 00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,638 I can't figure out what it is. 58 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,274 Maybe it's Brian. 59 00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:24,042 He practically sleeps on top of you. 60 00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:25,610 You could be allergic to him. 61 00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:27,012 Hey, here's an idea, Chris: 62 00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:28,613 why don't you mind your own business? 63 00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:30,315 You know, I did read that people 64 00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,217 could develop allergies to their pets. 65 00:02:32,252 --> 00:02:34,853 Brian, maybe you shouldn't sleep in our bedroom 66 00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,555 for a little while. What? 67 00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:38,490 Well, then where am I supposed to sleep? 68 00:02:38,525 --> 00:02:40,859 How about in your own apartment, like a grown-up? 69 00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:42,861 Do you have a problem with me, Chris? 70 00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:44,896 Why don't you sleep in Stewie's room? 71 00:02:44,931 --> 00:02:46,498 There's plenty of space. 72 00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:47,966 Roomies? Dude! 73 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,568 This'll be so ill! 74 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,503 Who are you? I'll tell you who. 75 00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:52,737 Your new roommate! 76 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,740 I'm gonna go take a shower 77 00:02:55,775 --> 00:02:58,243 so I can blow my nose into my hands. 78 00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:01,580 Damn it! I hate this house. 79 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,216 Morning, honey! Go to hell! 80 00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:10,088 All right, you guys, podcast time. 81 00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:12,657 We got the equipment and the perfect business plan: 82 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:16,394 give our show away for free, and tell no one how to find it. 83 00:03:16,429 --> 00:03:17,729 Ready? 84 00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:19,664 Hey there, the Net, 85 00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:22,701 welcome to the first episode of Thanks for the Clamories. 86 00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,736 I'm here with Glenn Quagmire, 87 00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:27,105 Hi. Cleveland Brown... 88 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,740 and... Hello. 89 00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:30,408 ...and Joe Swanson. 90 00:03:30,443 --> 00:03:33,211 Yo-zah! All right, Quagmire, what do you got for us? 91 00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:34,746 Let's make a clam-ory. 92 00:03:34,781 --> 00:03:37,215 Okay, this is yes or no. Y-You ready, Peter? 93 00:03:37,250 --> 00:03:39,217 Yes or no. French toast. 94 00:03:39,252 --> 00:03:41,019 Yes. French fries. 95 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,754 Yes. French kissing. 96 00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:45,190 I-I don't know. These questions are weird. 97 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,625 Okay, okay, someone else. 98 00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,526 Cleveland, yes or no. 99 00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:51,363 Velcro shoes. Hmm, Velcro shoes. 100 00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,365 Woo-whee, this is a tough one. 101 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,101 I remember the first time I saw me a pair of 'cro's. 102 00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:58,203 They were on the feet of Spunky Tesik. 103 00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,738 Man, they was dandy. 104 00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,740 ...every time we played touch football, 105 00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:04,209 Spunky would step in a pile of dog poo. 106 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,412 You can wash a shoe, but you can't really wash a lace. 107 00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:09,314 That's why Spunky made the change. 108 00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:11,383 ...that's the thing about Velcro shoes. 109 00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,818 Quiet going on, noisy coming off. 110 00:04:13,853 --> 00:04:16,655 That rip! Spunky's mama thought he was an intruder. 111 00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,490 Shot him right in the face. 112 00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:20,458 Had an open casket at the funeral. 113 00:04:20,493 --> 00:04:22,327 But only open on the middle part... 114 00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:25,563 ...to this day, every time I see a pile of dog doo, 115 00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:27,999 I take a step in it just for Spunky. 116 00:04:28,034 --> 00:04:30,735 So to answer the question, I'm gonna have to say 117 00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:32,804 both yes and no. 118 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,006 All right, that's all the time we got. 119 00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:37,842 I'd like to thank our sponsor, the U.S. Postal Service. 120 00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:40,345 When you want something expensive thrown on your porch 121 00:04:40,380 --> 00:04:42,947 and stolen, you want the U.S. Postal Service. 122 00:04:42,982 --> 00:04:44,516 What the hell was that? 123 00:04:44,551 --> 00:04:46,518 I know! Cleveland, you ruined the whole podcast. 124 00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:49,688 Yeah, if I wanted to hear a black guy ramble like a lunatic, 125 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,956 I'd watch Family Feud. Yeah, I mean, that was worse 126 00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:55,427 than an Italian guy describing someone's sexuality. 127 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,095 Anyway, my brother Louie, he's a... 128 00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,297 he's a little off to the side, you know? 129 00:04:59,332 --> 00:05:01,299 Uh, foofy. Uh, up to the knuckle. 130 00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:03,301 He's a... he's a backwards mechanic. 131 00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,337 Likes to play in the dirt. You mean gay? 132 00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:07,005 Mama! 133 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,306 Marone! Peter! 134 00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:10,175 Mama, Louie's not gay, he's... 135 00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,510 he's creative. 136 00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:20,652 Hey, Stewie, thanks for letting me stay in your room. 137 00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:23,054 Oh, Brian, please... It's our room now. 138 00:05:23,089 --> 00:05:24,489 Hey, what are we gonna do tonight? 139 00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:26,392 Ooh, maybe we should watch that movie about Freud 140 00:05:26,393 --> 00:05:28,360 where Michael Fassbender repeatedly spanks. 141 00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:30,395 Keira Knightley to orgasm? 142 00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:32,564 You saw that movie? I saw that scene. 143 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,468 So, I was thinking this could be your area. 144 00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,169 Okay, yeah, yeah. This is great. 145 00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:40,372 And fair warning... Some of the books are pop-up, 146 00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:42,474 so don't be alarmed. Aah! Son of a bitch! 147 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,476 Friggin' bird came out of nowhere! 148 00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:46,811 You know, I have a good feeling about this, Brian. 149 00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,680 After all, you certainly can't be any worse 150 00:05:48,715 --> 00:05:50,182 than the last roommate I had. 151 00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:54,319 What the...? Please don't cry. 152 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,154 She's already very angry at me. 153 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,523 Peter, where are you? You will wash your hands 154 00:05:58,558 --> 00:05:59,758 after you poop. 155 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,025 Shh, shh. 156 00:06:01,060 --> 00:06:02,427 I won't. 157 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,665 You know, this is exciting. 158 00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:08,933 Our second podcast. 159 00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:10,435 All right, but listen up, Cleveland. 160 00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:12,437 No more of your long stories, all right? 161 00:06:12,472 --> 00:06:14,439 Yeah, people aren't used to boring podcasts. 162 00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:17,776 Oh, I'm sorry. I suppose they ought to call me "Jelly," 163 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:20,078 'cause sometimes I get on a roll. 164 00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,346 That. That. 165 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,548 J... N-None of that. 166 00:06:23,583 --> 00:06:25,950 Welcome once again to Thanks for the Clamories. 167 00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:28,219 Okay, common question that everybody thinks about. 168 00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:30,755 How many fourth-graders you think you could take at once? 169 00:06:30,790 --> 00:06:32,857 What? I mean, obviously, if you had to fight 170 00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,859 against a million fourth-graders, you'd lose. 171 00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:36,861 So, like, what's... what's the real number? 172 00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,897 Like, what's the legitimate number of fourth-graders 173 00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,865 that you could successfully take on? 174 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,101 Let's say a hundred. That sounds reasonable. Oh, no way. 175 00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:45,470 A hundred and you're dead. Why are we fighting, now? 176 00:06:45,505 --> 00:06:47,940 'Cause they're idiots. Did they say something about my mother? 177 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,141 What? Yes. Okay, yeah, yeah, we'll say yes. 178 00:06:50,176 --> 00:06:52,777 Oh, then a baker's dozen. What kind of weapons? 179 00:06:52,812 --> 00:06:54,746 Only what's available in the schoolyard. 180 00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:57,615 You could really mess up some kids with a chain from a swing. 181 00:06:57,650 --> 00:06:59,617 Just da-da-da-da- da-da-da-da-da! 182 00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:02,487 All right, tell you what I'd do, I'd back into a bathroom stall, 183 00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:04,823 and just start kickin'. Dead! Dead! Dead! 184 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,225 Keep comin'! Dead! Give 'em a narrow entry point, 185 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,660 make 'em come in single file. 186 00:07:08,695 --> 00:07:10,962 Dead! Dead! Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say 187 00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:12,397 800 fourth-graders. 188 00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,132 Why are we talking about killing kids? 189 00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,502 People are gonna hate this. Peter, do something else, quick. 190 00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:19,637 I'll-I'll... uh, what if I play some kick-ass music? 191 00:07:19,672 --> 00:07:22,140 ♪ You've got to know when to hold 'em... ♪ 192 00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:23,675 Kick-ass? This is not kick-ass. 193 00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:25,777 Wait, hang on, hang on, I'll find something. 194 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,514 You're playing two songs at once. 195 00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:31,182 What even is this? I-I don't know. 196 00:07:31,217 --> 00:07:32,584 I'm just pressing buttons! 197 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,786 I got to admit, it does have a groove. 198 00:07:34,821 --> 00:07:37,121 Look! Those people are even dancing to it. 199 00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:38,923 ♪ Every gambler knows ♪ 200 00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:40,925 ♪ That the secret to survivin'... ♪ 201 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,862 Aw, great! I accidentally started Chris's birth video. 202 00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:46,531 Ow! O-O-O-O-O-Ow! Ow! 203 00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:47,699 Ow! 204 00:07:47,734 --> 00:07:49,767 Ow! Kill me! 205 00:07:49,802 --> 00:07:51,970 Kill me! Hey, what's that song you're playing? 206 00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:54,939 I don't know, it's just random garbage from my computer. 207 00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:57,175 Oh, you're a deejay! That's perfect! 208 00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:59,811 I own a nightclub for cocaine people and Armenians. 209 00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:01,980 I need noise. You available? 210 00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:03,348 We're in! Great! 211 00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:06,384 I'll see you guys Wednesday at 2:00 a.m. 212 00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:07,519 What the hell was that? We're supposed 213 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:08,686 to be doing a podcast. 214 00:08:08,721 --> 00:08:10,121 Peter, I don't know if you noticed, 215 00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,990 but the podcast was a disaster. 216 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,726 Yeah, and we were looking for something to do as a foursome. 217 00:08:14,761 --> 00:08:16,728 But how can I be a deejay? 218 00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:19,397 I'm just a guy with a laptop and an inflated self-image. 219 00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:20,832 Trust me, you're perfect. 220 00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:23,067 All right, sounds good. Let's do this. 221 00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:26,471 Okay, but hold on. I got four quarters on Golden Tee. 222 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,240 How am I doing? 223 00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:31,175 Good job, Joe! A hole in one! 224 00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:34,179 He just keeps switching clubs. 225 00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:42,353 Kids, time for dinner. Where's your father? 226 00:08:42,388 --> 00:08:44,722 I think he's getting ready for his deejay gig. 227 00:08:44,757 --> 00:08:46,157 His what? 228 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,727 Hmm. Still a trace of melody. 229 00:08:49,762 --> 00:08:51,729 I'll just add some power tools. 230 00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:58,836 Yeah. Yeah, I'd drink vodka and Gatorade to that. 231 00:08:58,871 --> 00:09:01,005 Peter, since when are you a deejay? 232 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,707 Since some guy came in the Clam 233 00:09:02,742 --> 00:09:04,509 and heard my awesome jams and beats. 234 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,344 Well, he's got the lingo down. 235 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:07,412 Thanks, Chris. 236 00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:10,548 Now, scream! 237 00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:12,884 Hey, you are good at this, Dad. 238 00:09:12,919 --> 00:09:14,953 Peter, knock it off. You're a middle-aged man. 239 00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,788 You can't be a deejay. 240 00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:18,957 Why not? I could totally be a deejay. 241 00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:21,626 For God's sake, John Travolta's a pilot. 242 00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:23,561 This is your captain speaking. 243 00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:25,430 We have reached our cruising altitude. 244 00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:29,067 It is now safe to take off your wigs and be gay. 245 00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:36,074 Whoa, what's all this? 246 00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,543 Oh, just some stuff I got out of my storage unit. 247 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,311 Check this out. You'll love this. 248 00:09:40,346 --> 00:09:42,413 Do I look like a Terminator dog? 249 00:09:42,448 --> 00:09:44,215 No. Yeah, I do. 250 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,519 Look, I even brought Tom Sizemore's Game of Life. 251 00:09:49,288 --> 00:09:52,557 "Sell rights to Saving Private Ryan residuals 252 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,993 to buy a case of Coors Light." 253 00:09:56,963 --> 00:10:00,365 "Steal your son's wallet while he's in the shower." 254 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,302 "Miss audition." 255 00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:08,439 "Scoop someone's urine from Starbucks toilet 256 00:10:08,474 --> 00:10:10,008 to pass drug test." 257 00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:12,744 Feels like we should be moving these pieces backwards. 258 00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,515 Okay, let's make some noise 259 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:20,585 for Deejay Peter and the Sound Slap! 260 00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,622 Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, 261 00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:26,624 giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity! 262 00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:28,860 ♪ ♪Give it to 'em. 263 00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:30,528 Shut up, Meg. 264 00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:32,030 Sh-Sh-Shut up, Meg. 265 00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,665 Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. 266 00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,266 Butt scratcher! Butt scratcher! 267 00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:38,469 Peter, Peter, Peter... 268 00:10:38,504 --> 00:10:40,104 Roadhouse. Roadhouse. 269 00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:41,606 That's nasty. That's nasty. 270 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,108 What? Wha-Wha-Wha-What? 271 00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,677 This place is awesome! 272 00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:48,012 Totally! And did you see Tom Sizemore 273 00:10:48,047 --> 00:10:50,281 in the bathroom with a ladle? 274 00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,523 You've been playing the exact same song 275 00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:00,024 for 14 hours. 276 00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:01,392 That means you're great. 277 00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:02,960 I was right about you guys. 278 00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:05,830 Weird you turned that into a compliment about yourself. 279 00:11:05,865 --> 00:11:08,666 Well, I'm on cocaine. 280 00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:11,335 My kid's baseball team came in second place. 281 00:11:11,370 --> 00:11:13,071 I don't care about that. 282 00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,973 But listen, there's a big music festival coming up. 283 00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:18,042 You've got some mad deejay skills. 284 00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:20,178 You could be our headliner. 285 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:23,915 Electric Clam Festival? 286 00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:25,349 Yeah, it's gonna be awesome. 287 00:11:25,384 --> 00:11:27,318 So what do you say? Well, I don't know. 288 00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,554 I-I should probably check with the guys and see what they... 289 00:11:29,555 --> 00:11:31,089 What? You don't need the guys. 290 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:34,225 I didn't see their fingers press three buttons. 291 00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:36,394 Huh. I guess I do have a gift. 292 00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:37,429 So are you in? 293 00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:38,696 Yeah, that'd be amazing. 294 00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:39,931 Can I kiss you? 295 00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:41,699 Excuse me? I don't know. 296 00:11:41,734 --> 00:11:43,668 Someone gave me a pill, and now all I want to do 297 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,103 is feel your jacket. 298 00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,572 Oh, yeah. 299 00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:49,808 No, no, stay here. Stay here. 300 00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:56,281 That. That. That. See, listen. Right there. 301 00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:57,582 You can't hear that on a CD. 302 00:11:57,617 --> 00:11:59,217 Only the vinyl, man. 303 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:02,520 I'm glad we hung out after you struck out with my mom. 304 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:03,922 You know, I could've used some help 305 00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:05,289 folding these fitted sheets. 306 00:12:05,324 --> 00:12:07,225 Who's this turd? Oh, this is Georgie. 307 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:09,694 Brian, I never said you could have guests. 308 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,129 Hey, don't touch that. 309 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:12,764 Okay, red flags flying. 310 00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:14,732 Look, I need him out of here. 311 00:12:14,767 --> 00:12:17,535 You can't kick him out. He's my friend, and I live here, too. 312 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,604 Not anymore. I want you out of my room. 313 00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:21,906 Well, it's not your room anymore, it's our room. 314 00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:24,041 Lois said so, and I'm not leaving. 315 00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:26,778 I can't believe I ever wanted you here in the first place. 316 00:12:26,813 --> 00:12:29,313 You're messy, you're loud, and thanks to you, 317 00:12:29,348 --> 00:12:30,948 we've got a recurring flea problem. 318 00:12:34,987 --> 00:12:37,221 Hey, Bri. You want to hang out? 319 00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:39,223 Go away, Flea. You're not welcome here. 320 00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:41,058 And put on a shirt. You're 50. 321 00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:42,527 Actually, 54. 322 00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:53,905 Peter, I was plowing this college chick last night, 323 00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:56,374 and I saw this flyer on her mini fridge. 324 00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:00,945 I thought we were all in this together. 325 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:02,480 Well, yeah. That's the thing. 326 00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:04,816 A guy on cocaine told me I'm the talent. 327 00:13:04,851 --> 00:13:06,150 So what, you're just dropping us? 328 00:13:06,185 --> 00:13:07,985 Yeah, how could you just ditch us? 329 00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:10,421 All right, you know what? You guys were riding my coattails. 330 00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:11,956 I carried you as long as I could, 331 00:13:11,991 --> 00:13:14,091 but Rob Kardashian's gonna be at this thing, 332 00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:15,526 so I got to be at my best. 333 00:13:15,561 --> 00:13:17,030 Now, get out of here. I got to practice. 334 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,865 Damn it, Peter. That's too loud. 335 00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:20,998 Turn it down. 336 00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:23,401 That isn't loud. This is. 337 00:13:25,504 --> 00:13:28,639 It's not loud until you can feel your head bones. 338 00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:31,776 If you can't hack it, take a hike. 339 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,211 Why's he being such a jerk? 340 00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:34,679 I don't know. 341 00:13:34,714 --> 00:13:36,314 We've always had each other's backs, 342 00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:37,949 like when we used to rob banks 343 00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:39,984 in lesser-known presidents masks. 344 00:13:40,019 --> 00:13:42,720 All right. Remember to tell everyone who did this. 345 00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:44,856 Um. Who are you guys supposed to be? 346 00:13:44,891 --> 00:13:46,524 Oh, come on. I'm James K. Polk. 347 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:47,992 He's Millard Fillmore. 348 00:13:48,027 --> 00:13:49,527 He's William Henry Harrison. 349 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:51,662 First president to die in office. 350 00:13:51,697 --> 00:13:52,964 You should've been FDR. 351 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,131 Why? 352 00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:55,900 'Cause of the... you know. 353 00:13:55,935 --> 00:13:57,568 The wheelchair doesn't define me! 354 00:13:57,603 --> 00:13:59,403 And I'm Grover Cleveland. 355 00:13:59,438 --> 00:14:00,972 It's funny, 'cause my name's Cleveland. 356 00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:02,206 Aw, damn it, Cleveland. 357 00:14:02,241 --> 00:14:03,674 Now we got to kill 'em all. 358 00:14:03,709 --> 00:14:05,643 This guy gets it first. 359 00:14:12,084 --> 00:14:13,985 Ugh. Didn't you hear the alarm? 360 00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:16,153 Peter, wake up. 361 00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,422 We're gonna be late for church. 362 00:14:18,457 --> 00:14:20,324 Are you even listening to me? 363 00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,226 You've got to stop coming home so late 364 00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:24,061 if you can't get up in the morning, and... 365 00:14:48,487 --> 00:14:50,621 Oh, God. I can't hear Garfield. 366 00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:53,124 I've gone deaf. 367 00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:01,465 All right, now how long has your husband smelled like this? 368 00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:04,035 Oh, no. That's just from riding here in a hot car, 369 00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,736 but Dr. Hartman, what about his hearing? 370 00:15:05,771 --> 00:15:07,204 Hearing? 371 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:08,806 This is a hospital, I'm not a lawyer. 372 00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:11,409 Oh, for God's sake, is my husband deaf? 373 00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:14,111 Well, there's only one way to find out definitively. 374 00:15:14,146 --> 00:15:16,781 Hey stupid deaf guy! 375 00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:19,050 Well, I've gotten the results back. He's deaf. 376 00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:20,584 This is horrible. 377 00:15:20,619 --> 00:15:22,386 This must be because of all that loud, 378 00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:25,122 blaring music he's been playing in those nightclubs. 379 00:15:25,157 --> 00:15:27,224 What's going on? Can he fix it in time 380 00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:29,126 for me to deejay at the music festival? 381 00:15:29,161 --> 00:15:30,828 No. What? 382 00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:33,230 No! What? 383 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:34,598 Are you sure? 384 00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:36,067 Yes. What? 385 00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:39,070 Have a good life. 386 00:15:43,542 --> 00:15:45,110 Hey, guys, I don't know if you've heard, 387 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,410 but I've gone deaf. 388 00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:47,678 You what? What? 389 00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:48,913 Oh, you're ear crippled? 390 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,114 I can't hear you, Joe. 391 00:15:50,149 --> 00:15:51,482 Here's a bag of Alpha-Bits. 392 00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,351 Please spell out what you're saying. 393 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,121 Oh, there's no "L" s. 394 00:15:57,156 --> 00:15:59,024 By the way, I ate all the "L" s. They're delicious. 395 00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:00,825 They're my favorite ones. What are you talking about? 396 00:16:00,826 --> 00:16:02,593 They all taste the same. What? 397 00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,195 Why don't you just text it to him? 398 00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:05,663 You know, that's a good idea. 399 00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:07,765 What the hell do you want? 400 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,501 You told us you were a big shot deejay 401 00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:13,137 and didn't want anything to do with us. 402 00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:15,673 I don't think he can hear it. 403 00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:18,809 Oh, son of a bitch. Look at your phone. 404 00:16:18,844 --> 00:16:20,544 Oh, what do I want? 405 00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:22,380 Um, the Electric Clam Festival's coming up, 406 00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:24,215 and I need your help. 407 00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:27,118 Now that I'm deaf, I can't do it without you guys. 408 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,886 Forget it. You told us to go to hell. 409 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,454 Well, now you can go to hell. 410 00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:31,722 Oh, great. Thanks. 411 00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:33,190 I knew I could count on you guys. 412 00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:35,659 No, we said no. What? 413 00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,699 One, two, thr... Aw, crap. 414 00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:44,001 One, two... Come on. 415 00:16:44,036 --> 00:16:46,037 All right. This time for the world record. 416 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,141 Eww. What the hell is that? 417 00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:51,876 It's a ferret. Look at it, Brian. 418 00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:53,511 It's like a long rat. 419 00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:55,813 Like a living tail. Look at its feet. 420 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,249 Eww. They're gross. Why'd you get a ferret? 421 00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:00,151 All the worst roommates have ferrets. 422 00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:01,852 You want to pet it? It bites. 423 00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:04,088 I can't sleep with that monster in here. 424 00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:06,223 That's the idea. I want you out. 425 00:17:06,258 --> 00:17:08,526 This room belongs to me and the ferret now. 426 00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:10,094 Why you being such a dick about this? 427 00:17:10,129 --> 00:17:13,030 Because. You're a pain in the ass to live with. 428 00:17:13,065 --> 00:17:14,765 What did you just do? 429 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,668 I just pushed a little bitch baby. 430 00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:22,873 Oh, Brian, there you are. 431 00:17:22,908 --> 00:17:24,476 I wanted to tell you that you can come back 432 00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:25,910 and sleep in our room. 433 00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:27,344 What? I can? 434 00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:28,913 Yeah. Turns out it was Peter 435 00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:30,581 who was causing my allergies. 436 00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:32,550 He stuffed all our pillows with hay 437 00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:35,453 because he thought it looked comfortable in cartoons. 438 00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:39,090 Wow. Then, I guess I'm moving out. 439 00:17:39,125 --> 00:17:41,025 I guess you are. 440 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,626 Look, Stewie, I-I... 441 00:17:42,661 --> 00:17:44,428 I probably got a little carried away. 442 00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:47,698 I'm sorry I wasn't the best roommate. 443 00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,266 Hey, Brian. 444 00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:51,602 You know, maybe I wasn't such a great guy, either. 445 00:17:51,637 --> 00:17:53,104 I'm sorry. 446 00:17:53,139 --> 00:17:55,372 Oh, that's okay. 447 00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:57,274 You know, even if we were bad roommates, 448 00:17:57,309 --> 00:17:58,976 we'll always be good friends. 449 00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:01,445 I hope you and your ferret are happy in here together. 450 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:02,880 Well, now that you're moving out, 451 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,435 I'll probably just drown it in the tub. 452 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:07,218 Brian! Brian! Aah! 453 00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:08,919 It bit my nose! He's latching on! 454 00:18:08,954 --> 00:18:10,221 Stop moving. I almost got him. 455 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,456 Fill the tub, fill the tub! 456 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:19,163 Hey, Stella, can I ask you something? 457 00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:22,466 When you went deaf, did your other senses get better? 458 00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:24,935 No. That's a common myth. 459 00:18:24,970 --> 00:18:27,104 Chances are you'll be hit by a bus 460 00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:28,906 in the first three months. 461 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,474 What? 462 00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:32,510 Uh, damn it. Being deaf sucks. 463 00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:35,179 I'd rather be stuck on a Disney cruise. 464 00:18:35,214 --> 00:18:37,281 Ho-ho, ho-ho. 465 00:18:37,316 --> 00:18:39,583 Don't eat the shrimp. Ho-ho. 466 00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:41,986 You know, the worst part of all of this 467 00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:43,921 is I lost my friends. 468 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,990 I was a complete jerk to them. 469 00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:48,159 I don't blame them for not wanting to help me. 470 00:18:48,194 --> 00:18:49,493 What? 471 00:18:49,528 --> 00:18:51,095 We heard you, Peter. 472 00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:53,998 Hey, Peter! We're over here. 473 00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:55,833 You got to throw something at him. 474 00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:57,635 Ow. Damn it. 475 00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,670 What are you guys doing here? 476 00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:39,376 All right, Peter, it's all cued up. 477 00:19:39,411 --> 00:19:41,178 Just push this button. 478 00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:42,746 Okay. Here we go. 479 00:19:42,781 --> 00:19:44,415 No, Peter, not that one! 480 00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:46,050 Audible dot com presents, 481 00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:48,552 Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea, 482 00:19:48,587 --> 00:19:50,387 as read by Chelsea Handler. 483 00:19:50,422 --> 00:19:52,256 Peter, that's the wrong track! 484 00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:54,592 Yeah, pretty good stuff, huh? 485 00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:58,262 Chapter one. Stuff I can fit in my lady place. 486 00:19:58,297 --> 00:20:01,765 Up first, Eiffel Tower Lego sculpture... 487 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,167 Yup. 488 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,202 Peter, we got to stop this. 489 00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:07,004 Soup thermos... Yup. 490 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,272 It's locked. 491 00:20:08,307 --> 00:20:09,673 Yeah. Awesome, huh? 492 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,742 Wait. How come everyone's leaving? 493 00:20:11,777 --> 00:20:15,045 Brother brand all-in-one fax scanner color copier 494 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,081 with phone attachment... 495 00:20:17,116 --> 00:20:19,350 Yup. 496 00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:25,289 Well, bad news. 497 00:20:25,324 --> 00:20:26,857 'Cause of that audiobook fiasco 498 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,225 I got fired from the club. 499 00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:29,526 Hey, what's with your voice? 500 00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:31,095 Did you get your hearing back? 501 00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:32,797 Oh, yeah. Turns out it wasn't the loud music 502 00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:34,565 at the clubs that made me go deaf. 503 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,533 It was the fistfuls of Oxycontin. 504 00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:38,269 Well, that stinks about your deejay job. 505 00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:40,104 Sorry it didn't work out for you. 506 00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:41,572 That's okay. 507 00:20:41,607 --> 00:20:43,107 I just appreciate that you guys 508 00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:45,609 were there for me and tried to help me out. 509 00:20:45,644 --> 00:20:47,878 Especially after I'd been such a jerk to you. 510 00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:50,214 Well, it's good to have you back to normal, Peter. 511 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,749 Now, if you'll excuse me, 512 00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:53,417 I'm up on Big Buck Hunter. 513 00:20:54,853 --> 00:20:57,488 I get 'em? Oh, yeah. You got them all, Joe. 514 00:20:57,523 --> 00:21:00,658 We didn't even put quarters in the game. He don't know. 515 00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:05,963 Yay! Oh... 516 00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:09,233 Giggity, giggity! Giggity, giggity! 517 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,335 Who wants chowder? Who wants chowder? 518 00:21:11,370 --> 00:21:12,770 - Hey, Peter. - Sweet. 519 00:21:12,805 --> 00:21:14,004 - Whoa. - P-P-P-Peter. 520 00:21:14,039 --> 00:21:15,572 P-P-P-Peter, what the hell? - But Dad! 521 00:21:15,607 --> 00:21:17,274 - What the hell? - Shut up, Meg. 522 00:21:17,309 --> 00:21:18,909 Butt scratcher! Butt scratcher! 523 00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,844 - Hey, buddy. - Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh... 524 00:21:20,879 --> 00:21:23,247 - no! Oh, no! - Giggity, giggity! 525 00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,581 Shut up, Meg. 526 00:21:26,385 --> 00:21:27,785 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 527 00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:29,453 Whose leg do you have to hump 528 00:21:29,488 --> 00:21:30,954 to get a dry martini around here? 529 00:21:30,989 --> 00:21:32,690 Sweet!