1 00:00:02,411 --> 00:00:04,728 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,821 --> 00:00:07,748 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,900 --> 00:00:11,659 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,754 --> 00:00:14,662 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,757 --> 00:00:18,075 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,168 --> 00:00:21,353 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,505 --> 00:00:22,929 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,082 --> 00:00:24,264 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,416 --> 00:00:30,195 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:38,764 --> 00:00:41,040 So this is sports. 11 00:00:41,191 --> 00:00:42,357 Where's the hosiery? 12 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:45,377 Hi. I'm a 15-year-old wild card, and... 13 00:00:45,529 --> 00:00:47,621 Well, let's get you a gun already! 14 00:00:47,773 --> 00:00:50,215 Oh, Peter, I'm so glad you're finally doing 15 00:00:50,442 --> 00:00:52,276 something positive for your health. 16 00:00:52,294 --> 00:00:53,868 What do you think about this treadmill? 17 00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:55,220 Yeah, this one's good. 18 00:00:55,372 --> 00:00:58,282 Let me ask a salesperson for help like a complete beta. 19 00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:00,708 Excuse me, sir-- Oh, oh, you're helping someone else. 20 00:01:00,803 --> 00:01:01,968 I'll be with you in one second. 21 00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:03,303 Yeah, no, no. You're busy, I see. 22 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,305 Help him, then help her, then whoever's after them. 23 00:01:05,457 --> 00:01:08,025 I'll just wait here and feel the running shirts. 24 00:01:09,070 --> 00:01:10,294 Sir, do you need help? 25 00:01:10,312 --> 00:01:12,196 I'm waiting for Josh. 26 00:01:15,058 --> 00:01:16,992 -(loud rattle) -What the hell? 27 00:01:19,471 --> 00:01:21,229 Peter, what the hell is that? 28 00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:23,082 It's my new pitching machine, Lois. 29 00:01:23,309 --> 00:01:25,900 And look, it can turn our car into a silly tank! 30 00:01:25,994 --> 00:01:28,145 Watch me nail Cleveland. (grunts) 31 00:01:28,163 --> 00:01:30,380 CLEVELAND: I got one, too, bitch! 32 00:01:33,410 --> 00:01:35,243 All right, Chris, time for your old man 33 00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,820 to teach you how to swing a bat. 34 00:01:36,913 --> 00:01:39,506 But I've been playing Little League since I was seven. 35 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:40,748 Oh, that's all right. 36 00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:43,009 After all, this is about father-son bonding 37 00:01:43,104 --> 00:01:44,419 and not about hitting you in the nuts 38 00:01:44,513 --> 00:01:46,179 to get on America's Funniest Home Videos. 39 00:01:46,332 --> 00:01:48,515 Wait, why are you pointing the pitching machine 40 00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:50,500 at my crotch? Ah! Hey! 41 00:01:50,519 --> 00:01:52,853 Come on, Chris. You and me up there at AFV 42 00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:55,021 in boxy, six-button suits. 43 00:01:55,174 --> 00:01:58,024 The kings of 1991, just for one night. 44 00:01:58,177 --> 00:02:00,768 ANNOUNCER: Or will it be "Two Balls One Strike," 45 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:04,123 submitted by Peter Griffin of Quahog, Rhode Island? 46 00:02:04,274 --> 00:02:06,107 And the winner is... 47 00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:08,018 "Fainting Groom," 48 00:02:08,111 --> 00:02:09,703 sent in by Kevin and Lisa Tarczynski 49 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,521 of Berkley, Michigan. 50 00:02:11,615 --> 00:02:13,340 (all gasp) 51 00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:20,288 "...but it turns out, the real Dianetics was 52 00:02:20,382 --> 00:02:23,216 the friends he made along the way." 53 00:02:23,369 --> 00:02:25,102 (sighs) 54 00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:28,796 Uh-oh. 55 00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,149 Stand back. 56 00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:32,734 The pitching machine is the only plumber we'll need. 57 00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,552 (pipes rattling) 58 00:02:42,571 --> 00:02:45,622 ♪ ♪ 59 00:02:48,744 --> 00:02:50,127 (both scream) 60 00:02:53,732 --> 00:02:56,133 (all screaming) 61 00:03:01,423 --> 00:03:03,907 And... I'm waking up outside again. 62 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,851 Got to sleep to grow, guys. 63 00:03:06,002 --> 00:03:07,686 Got to sleep to grow. 64 00:03:11,583 --> 00:03:13,767 Oh, thanks for letting us stay here, Daddy. 65 00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:16,420 We'll be out of your hair as soon as the house dries out. 66 00:03:16,513 --> 00:03:18,104 You know, Carter, we don't mean to be a bother. 67 00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:19,681 Why don't we just stay at a hotel, 68 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,866 and you pay for the hotel 69 00:03:21,093 --> 00:03:22,201 and it should be the LEGOLAND hotel? 70 00:03:22,386 --> 00:03:23,610 I'm not giving you money 71 00:03:23,762 --> 00:03:25,946 for almost drowning my daughter and grandchildren. 72 00:03:26,098 --> 00:03:27,689 Besides, I have to leave town for a couple days, 73 00:03:27,783 --> 00:03:30,042 and I need someone I can trust to look after the place. 74 00:03:30,193 --> 00:03:31,877 Where's Babs? Why can't she do it? 75 00:03:32,028 --> 00:03:34,046 I don't know. The ransom note didn't say. 76 00:03:34,197 --> 00:03:36,122 Daddy, I didn't know you were leaving town. 77 00:03:36,217 --> 00:03:38,275 -Where are you going? -Ah, just some funeral. 78 00:03:38,293 --> 00:03:39,943 I'll be back in a couple of days. 79 00:03:39,962 --> 00:03:41,386 I left food out for the butlers, 80 00:03:41,613 --> 00:03:43,780 just change their litter boxes tomorrow if you think of it. 81 00:03:43,873 --> 00:03:45,224 A funeral? Who died? 82 00:03:45,451 --> 00:03:46,967 Just a... (stammers) just an old family friend. 83 00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:48,285 Don't worry about it. 84 00:03:48,378 --> 00:03:51,621 Oh, a family friend? Was it someone I knew? 85 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,957 All right, look, I didn't want to say anything, 86 00:03:53,976 --> 00:03:56,384 but it was Meredith, your old nanny. 87 00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:59,312 Meredith? Oh, I loved that woman. 88 00:03:59,465 --> 00:04:01,406 I was so sad when she quit. 89 00:04:01,558 --> 00:04:03,742 Wow, Lois, you were lucky to have a nanny. 90 00:04:03,893 --> 00:04:05,485 My mom just left me with a radio 91 00:04:05,637 --> 00:04:07,971 possessed by the former owner of our home. 92 00:04:07,990 --> 00:04:09,414 Can I have a snack? 93 00:04:09,566 --> 00:04:12,976 RASPY VOICE (on radio): You're sitting where I died. 94 00:04:12,995 --> 00:04:14,828 Why are you even going, Daddy? 95 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,422 People always want the richest person they ever worked for 96 00:04:17,649 --> 00:04:18,815 to attend their funeral. 97 00:04:18,908 --> 00:04:20,408 They'll be, like, "Oh, my God, a rich person! 98 00:04:20,502 --> 00:04:22,669 I guess it's okay he's talking on his phone." 99 00:04:22,821 --> 00:04:24,930 Well, I can't miss Meredith's funeral. 100 00:04:25,081 --> 00:04:26,431 Yeah, I'd better go, too. 101 00:04:26,583 --> 00:04:27,933 But I need you to watch the house! 102 00:04:28,084 --> 00:04:29,935 Oh, Peter and the kids are more than capable 103 00:04:30,162 --> 00:04:31,511 of watching the house. 104 00:04:31,663 --> 00:04:32,938 Kids? They're staying? 105 00:04:33,089 --> 00:04:35,256 -But they love funerals! -Peter, enough. 106 00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:37,091 Daddy, I'm coming with you. 107 00:04:37,111 --> 00:04:39,503 (sighs) Fine. Ass, gas, or grass? 108 00:04:39,521 --> 00:04:42,188 -No one rides free. -I guess... gas? 109 00:04:42,341 --> 00:04:44,700 That's what all the prudes say. 110 00:04:47,696 --> 00:04:49,846 Did you know this house is so large 111 00:04:49,865 --> 00:04:51,364 there's a 12-second echo? 112 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:52,791 What are you talking about? 113 00:04:52,942 --> 00:04:54,984 The acoustics are such that it takes the human voice 114 00:04:54,986 --> 00:04:57,129 12 seconds to bounce back as an echo. 115 00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,113 That's ridiculous. Not even the Grand Canyon has a-- 116 00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:00,948 STEWIE'S ECHO: Did you know this house is so large 117 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,359 there's a 12-second echo? 118 00:05:02,377 --> 00:05:04,528 -Ridiculous, huh? -Okay, I'm hearing it now. 119 00:05:04,621 --> 00:05:06,046 -(echo continues) -Well, next time, maybe don't doubt me 120 00:05:06,198 --> 00:05:07,622 when I tell you the acoustics are such 121 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,975 that it takes 12 seconds for the human voice to travel. 122 00:05:10,202 --> 00:05:12,369 -(echo stops) -I think we should hang some blankets in the hallway. 123 00:05:12,387 --> 00:05:14,462 -STEWIE'S ECHO: Ridiculous, huh? -BRIAN'S ECHO: Okay, I'm hearing it now. 124 00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:16,206 -(echoing voices continues) -Guys, I have a great idea. 125 00:05:16,299 --> 00:05:17,557 (echoing flatulence) 126 00:05:17,709 --> 00:05:19,818 That's weird. That fart was from yesterday. 127 00:05:19,969 --> 00:05:21,320 Great idea, Peter! 128 00:05:21,471 --> 00:05:23,897 Listen, I was thinking, what if we make some extra cash 129 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,882 by turning this place into a hotel? 130 00:05:25,901 --> 00:05:27,141 PETER's ECHO: Great idea, Peter! 131 00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:28,401 Awesome! We're all in! 132 00:05:28,554 --> 00:05:30,662 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go apologize 133 00:05:30,814 --> 00:05:33,557 to the hotel towels for what's about to happen to 'em. 134 00:05:33,575 --> 00:05:36,743 Men, tonight you will have one last night of peace. 135 00:05:36,895 --> 00:05:38,078 I won't lie to you, 136 00:05:38,230 --> 00:05:40,747 a hotel guest has no regard for your life. 137 00:05:40,899 --> 00:05:42,841 That means some of you will not be coming back. 138 00:05:43,068 --> 00:05:45,735 Those who do will never be one color again. 139 00:05:45,829 --> 00:05:47,161 Now, here are your assignments: 140 00:05:47,255 --> 00:05:49,072 Anderson, you're late-night vomit. 141 00:05:49,165 --> 00:05:50,574 Russo, you'll be in the ladies' room. 142 00:05:50,592 --> 00:05:52,242 -Ooh! -(whistles) 143 00:05:52,302 --> 00:05:54,001 All right, knock it off, at ease. 144 00:05:54,096 --> 00:05:56,021 Edwards, you're gonna be folded into a monkey 145 00:05:56,172 --> 00:05:57,839 at the foot of the bed, and then (bleep) on. 146 00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,674 Look at Edwards, he's into it! 147 00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,526 -Ooh! -At ease! 148 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:12,204 Well, it'll be nice to have a little road trip together. 149 00:06:12,355 --> 00:06:14,206 Yeah, we never had a lot of daddy-daughter time 150 00:06:14,433 --> 00:06:16,541 when I was young. You were always so busy. 151 00:06:16,768 --> 00:06:18,435 Not now, kitten. 152 00:06:18,453 --> 00:06:20,453 Oh, look! 153 00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:23,757 That's just like the pond Meredith used to take me to. 154 00:06:26,128 --> 00:06:28,536 (sighs) I miss her so much. 155 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:31,539 Yeah, I could always talk to her when I was having a hard time. 156 00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,875 (crying) 157 00:06:33,969 --> 00:06:35,452 Lois, what's wrong? 158 00:06:35,545 --> 00:06:38,138 All the kids at school said I'm MADtv funny 159 00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:40,156 and not SNL funny. 160 00:06:40,158 --> 00:06:42,959 Oh, Lois, kids can be so mean. 161 00:06:42,978 --> 00:06:44,719 Have you ever heard the story 162 00:06:44,813 --> 00:06:47,130 -of "The Ugly Duckling?" -No. 163 00:06:47,149 --> 00:06:49,633 Well, there once was a young duckling 164 00:06:49,651 --> 00:06:52,652 who had a hard time fitting in, just like you. 165 00:06:52,804 --> 00:06:55,472 And one day, that duckling went off to college 166 00:06:55,565 --> 00:06:58,083 and created a website to rate women. 167 00:06:58,310 --> 00:07:00,493 Then he made $100 billion 168 00:07:00,646 --> 00:07:03,313 and mined user data to rig an election. 169 00:07:03,331 --> 00:07:07,484 Wow! So am I also gonna be a billionaire making websites? 170 00:07:07,502 --> 00:07:10,837 No, but you'll use his site to post pictures of wine 171 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:14,224 and passive-aggressively body-shame other moms. 172 00:07:18,163 --> 00:07:20,439 All right, for this hotel operation to work, 173 00:07:20,666 --> 00:07:22,441 we all got to pull our weight around here. 174 00:07:22,668 --> 00:07:25,259 Chris, you'll be the affable but dim bellhop. 175 00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,612 When you say, "Help those people with their bags," 176 00:07:27,764 --> 00:07:29,781 I'll ask, "How high?" 177 00:07:29,933 --> 00:07:31,174 Brian, you'll tend the bar 178 00:07:31,267 --> 00:07:33,285 and dole out snappy tidbits of advice. 179 00:07:33,512 --> 00:07:35,120 All right! Stop by Brian's Bar 180 00:07:35,271 --> 00:07:37,681 for some drinks, thinks and winks. 181 00:07:37,774 --> 00:07:39,941 (chuckles) We can... we-we can pitch on it. 182 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,685 Uh, Meg, you'll handle all the dish washing, 183 00:07:41,703 --> 00:07:43,462 floor scrubbing, laundry, and anything else 184 00:07:43,613 --> 00:07:45,522 that involves breathing in chemicals. 185 00:07:45,540 --> 00:07:47,874 And I'll be the concierge, astutely learning 186 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,193 everything there is to know about our guests. 187 00:07:50,212 --> 00:07:51,878 That will be my one task. 188 00:07:52,030 --> 00:07:54,197 Well, that and looking out for Dunstons. 189 00:07:54,290 --> 00:07:56,508 -What? -Dunstons. They'll check in. 190 00:07:56,660 --> 00:07:58,384 They'll check right in. 191 00:07:58,479 --> 00:07:59,385 (vehicle approaching) 192 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,388 Ah, and here come our guests now! 193 00:08:02,541 --> 00:08:04,483 ♪ ♪ 194 00:08:08,714 --> 00:08:10,805 STEWIE: First to arrive is Tom Tucker, 195 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,140 here to celebrate the anniversary of his divorce 196 00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:14,826 with his annual bender. 197 00:08:14,978 --> 00:08:16,995 Doctor Hartman and his overbearing mother. 198 00:08:17,146 --> 00:08:18,312 They never travel apart. 199 00:08:18,406 --> 00:08:19,831 If he could just meet the right woman, 200 00:08:20,058 --> 00:08:22,334 he'd find the independence he needs. 201 00:08:22,561 --> 00:08:25,411 Ah, Principal Shepherd, newly single. 202 00:08:25,564 --> 00:08:27,714 Lost half the school in the divorce. 203 00:08:29,751 --> 00:08:32,736 The Librarian, never married. 204 00:08:32,754 --> 00:08:34,179 Adult Disney woman. 205 00:08:34,330 --> 00:08:35,997 First kiss was with a boy at theater camp 206 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,575 who would one day get beaten up by David Hyde Pierce 207 00:08:38,593 --> 00:08:40,426 for being too fancy. 208 00:08:40,579 --> 00:08:42,579 I say, Brian, do you know what these guests need? 209 00:08:42,672 --> 00:08:44,430 STEWIE'S ECHO: First to arrive is Tom Tucker, 210 00:08:44,583 --> 00:08:46,583 here to celebrate the anniversary of his divorce... 211 00:08:46,601 --> 00:08:48,342 Damn it, I guess the blanket fell down. 212 00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:50,011 Well, I've got 12 seconds. 213 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,363 What these guests need is someone to arrange 214 00:08:51,514 --> 00:08:53,031 a little romance in their lives. 215 00:08:53,182 --> 00:08:54,758 And I'm the perfect man for the job. 216 00:08:54,776 --> 00:08:57,351 After all, I do all of Kevin Spacey's matchmaking. 217 00:08:57,371 --> 00:09:01,281 So, you're not interested in having sex with Kevin Spacey? 218 00:09:01,433 --> 00:09:04,125 Oh, good, Kevin's going to love that. 219 00:09:07,030 --> 00:09:09,047 Hey, you know anything about podcasts? 220 00:09:09,274 --> 00:09:10,882 I've been getting into podcasts. 221 00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:13,701 That's great! I love podcasts. 222 00:09:13,795 --> 00:09:15,278 Which ones are you listening to? 223 00:09:15,371 --> 00:09:17,781 I really like this one called Cereal. 224 00:09:17,874 --> 00:09:20,300 (loud chewing over radio) 225 00:09:20,452 --> 00:09:22,452 SARAH KOENIG: That was corn flakes. 226 00:09:22,470 --> 00:09:23,895 Or was it? 227 00:09:24,047 --> 00:09:25,955 The answer at the bottom of the bowl 228 00:09:25,974 --> 00:09:27,849 isn't always what you expect. 229 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,901 I'm Sarah Koenig, and this... 230 00:09:30,128 --> 00:09:33,963 -(loud chewing) -...is Cereal. 231 00:09:33,982 --> 00:09:35,532 (engine stops) 232 00:09:37,060 --> 00:09:38,318 Dad! Dad! 233 00:09:38,470 --> 00:09:40,745 I-I think I mixed up Mayor West's bags 234 00:09:40,897 --> 00:09:42,305 with Bruce and Jeffrey's! 235 00:09:42,324 --> 00:09:43,973 BOTH: Leather chaps. 236 00:09:43,992 --> 00:09:45,917 Saddle. Bullwhip. 237 00:09:46,069 --> 00:09:48,569 Rope. Sheriff's badges. 238 00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:53,258 Saddlebags. Saddle soap. Fancy boots. 239 00:09:53,485 --> 00:09:55,218 -Yep, this is ours. -Yep, this is mine. 240 00:09:59,415 --> 00:10:01,658 All right, Brian, I've devised a way 241 00:10:01,751 --> 00:10:04,085 to get the Librarian and Doctor Hartman together. 242 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,662 You see, I've prepared a batch 243 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:07,755 of Martha Stewart's chokiest scones. 244 00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:10,500 So when the Librarian eats one, she'll start choking, 245 00:10:10,518 --> 00:10:12,593 and Doctor Hartman over there will save her 246 00:10:12,687 --> 00:10:14,070 with the Heimlich maneuver. 247 00:10:14,764 --> 00:10:16,698 Here she comes! 248 00:10:18,176 --> 00:10:20,026 (chuckling): Oh, these are going to go 249 00:10:20,178 --> 00:10:22,195 straight to my thighs. 250 00:10:22,347 --> 00:10:24,956 Now if only I could find a man to do the same. 251 00:10:25,183 --> 00:10:27,517 (laughing) 252 00:10:27,610 --> 00:10:28,668 Oh. 253 00:10:29,779 --> 00:10:31,946 Ooh, these are a little... 254 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,115 (coughs) These are a little dry. 255 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:37,135 (coughs, laughs) 256 00:10:37,286 --> 00:10:40,697 (coughing, choking) 257 00:10:40,715 --> 00:10:42,140 Okay, remain calm. 258 00:10:42,291 --> 00:10:44,625 I've done this before. Stop, drop and roll. 259 00:10:44,719 --> 00:10:46,870 (choking, coughing) 260 00:10:46,888 --> 00:10:48,480 N-No, wait. No, wait. I know this. 261 00:10:48,631 --> 00:10:50,464 Okay, remember your medical training. 262 00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:53,485 "If a patient chokes on food, do the tummy-squeezy move." 263 00:10:53,636 --> 00:10:54,486 Yep, that-that-that's it! 264 00:10:54,637 --> 00:10:57,197 (grunting) 265 00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:00,216 (gasps) 266 00:11:00,235 --> 00:11:02,902 You-you saved my life! 267 00:11:03,054 --> 00:11:05,571 Oh, how can I ever repay you? 268 00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:07,666 ♪ ♪ 269 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,575 Money? 270 00:11:09,728 --> 00:11:12,912 SHEPHERD: May I have your attention, please? 271 00:11:13,064 --> 00:11:15,465 I believe you dropped this. 272 00:11:17,085 --> 00:11:19,660 The blueberries are still intact. 273 00:11:19,754 --> 00:11:22,621 Shame to let something so sweet go to waste. 274 00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:24,849 Oh! Thank you, sir. 275 00:11:25,001 --> 00:11:26,333 Uh-oh, Brian, looks like we've got 276 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,669 a love triangle on our hands. 277 00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:30,413 I'll treasure this forever. 278 00:11:30,506 --> 00:11:33,082 (chuckles): Well, don't wait too long. 279 00:11:33,101 --> 00:11:36,528 It'll liquefy from the enzymes in your saliva. 280 00:11:36,755 --> 00:11:38,655 (both laugh) 281 00:11:43,686 --> 00:11:45,945 Okay, last load. 282 00:11:46,097 --> 00:11:48,264 Chris, will you help me fold these sheets? 283 00:11:48,283 --> 00:11:51,209 -Sure, sounds easy. -They're fitted. 284 00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:52,711 ♪ ♪ 285 00:11:52,862 --> 00:11:55,380 (projector whirring) 286 00:11:57,943 --> 00:12:00,093 ♪ ♪ 287 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,273 ♪ ♪ 288 00:12:23,726 --> 00:12:25,702 ♪ ♪ 289 00:12:29,398 --> 00:12:31,232 All right, I got to find a bathroom 290 00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,910 because that's mostly what life is after 60. 291 00:12:34,904 --> 00:12:37,088 -(quiet chatter) -(scattered crying) 292 00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,245 Oh. Excuse me. 293 00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,172 Oh, no, it's my fault, really. 294 00:12:46,324 --> 00:12:49,659 I have a brain thing where I go blind every 45 seconds. 295 00:12:49,677 --> 00:12:52,437 Hi, I'm Jacqueline. I'm Meredith's sister. 296 00:12:52,588 --> 00:12:55,348 Really? Oh, it's so nice to meet you. 297 00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:59,093 I'm Lois. I-I'm so sorry for your loss. 298 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:02,188 Meredith was my nanny a long time ago. 299 00:13:02,340 --> 00:13:03,615 Oh, is that right? 300 00:13:03,842 --> 00:13:05,950 Oh, that-- well, that's so nice of you to make the trip. 301 00:13:06,177 --> 00:13:09,120 You see, Meredith-- Dark, darkness, 302 00:13:09,347 --> 00:13:11,848 darkness, just ride it out. 303 00:13:11,866 --> 00:13:13,958 And... we're back! 304 00:13:14,110 --> 00:13:16,110 Meredith loved her time as a nanny. 305 00:13:16,204 --> 00:13:20,614 It's a shame she had to give it up after the affair. 306 00:13:20,708 --> 00:13:22,375 Affair? 307 00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:25,194 I know. We try not to talk about it. 308 00:13:25,288 --> 00:13:27,472 Some rich guy in Rhode Island. (scoffs) 309 00:13:27,699 --> 00:13:30,308 They were seeing each other, but then his wife found out 310 00:13:30,459 --> 00:13:32,459 and forced him to fire her. 311 00:13:32,554 --> 00:13:33,728 (gasps) 312 00:13:35,131 --> 00:13:37,390 So that's what happened. 313 00:13:37,542 --> 00:13:38,966 Tragic, isn't it? 314 00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:41,319 She had nowhere to go, so she came back here 315 00:13:41,546 --> 00:13:44,547 to our childhood home of ThreeStatesAway. 316 00:13:44,566 --> 00:13:46,157 I don't believe it. 317 00:13:46,384 --> 00:13:48,642 I don't believe the Earth is round, so that's me. 318 00:13:48,662 --> 00:13:51,645 Oh, excuse me, the funeral director is here. 319 00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:54,082 I'm trying to avoid paying him. 320 00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:57,502 Daddy and Meredith had an affair? 321 00:13:57,653 --> 00:13:59,153 That's why she left me! 322 00:13:59,247 --> 00:14:00,413 Oh, this is horrible. 323 00:14:00,565 --> 00:14:02,656 -I have to call my husband. -(phone beeps) 324 00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:04,843 PETER: Pewterschmidt Hotel, don't tell Lois. 325 00:14:04,994 --> 00:14:07,070 -Peter?! -I'll transfer you. 326 00:14:07,088 --> 00:14:08,738 -(hold music playing) -(line rings) 327 00:14:08,831 --> 00:14:11,182 CHRIS: The Spa at Pewterschmidt Hotel, don't tell Mom. 328 00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,184 -Chris?! -I'll transfer you. 329 00:14:13,411 --> 00:14:16,354 -(hold music playing) -(line rings) 330 00:14:16,581 --> 00:14:19,023 -MEG: Pewterschmidt Hotel laundry. -Meg? 331 00:14:19,250 --> 00:14:20,692 -Mom? -Yeah, I'll transfer you. 332 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:29,683 Daddy, you had an affair with Meredith? 333 00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,185 How could you? 334 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,020 Lois, honey, you don't understand. 335 00:14:33,114 --> 00:14:34,764 The horn part in "Sussudio" 336 00:14:34,857 --> 00:14:37,283 gave your mother a headache that lasted five years. 337 00:14:37,435 --> 00:14:38,710 What was I supposed to do? 338 00:14:38,861 --> 00:14:40,119 Yeah, I don't want to hear it. 339 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,363 Do you have any idea what that woman meant to me? 340 00:14:42,457 --> 00:14:46,050 While you were off working or golfing or God knows what, 341 00:14:46,202 --> 00:14:48,111 she was at my piano recitals 342 00:14:48,129 --> 00:14:50,296 or-or teaching me how to tie my shoes. 343 00:14:50,448 --> 00:14:52,298 She was the only person in that house 344 00:14:52,450 --> 00:14:55,226 who was really there for me, and you took her away! 345 00:14:55,378 --> 00:14:57,044 Well, what was I supposed to tell you, 346 00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:59,155 how many Viagras and what position? 347 00:14:59,157 --> 00:15:02,609 Six, and something I call "The Old Pocketknife." 348 00:15:06,798 --> 00:15:08,222 Evening. 349 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:11,134 I'm looking forward to the doctor being in. 350 00:15:11,152 --> 00:15:13,894 Oh. (laughs) 351 00:15:13,988 --> 00:15:15,079 Hello, there. 352 00:15:15,306 --> 00:15:17,898 Maybe I could see you between periods. 353 00:15:17,992 --> 00:15:20,159 Oh. (laughs) 354 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,753 Looks like you've got your hands full. 355 00:15:21,904 --> 00:15:23,588 (chuckling): You're telling me. 356 00:15:23,815 --> 00:15:25,239 I just don't know what to do. 357 00:15:25,333 --> 00:15:27,241 Well, who do you think I should choose? 358 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,260 Well, if it were me in this situation, 359 00:15:29,412 --> 00:15:31,971 I'd just go along for the ride and see what happens. 360 00:15:32,991 --> 00:15:34,991 That's it? That's your advice? 361 00:15:35,009 --> 00:15:36,659 Well, it's just what I... 362 00:15:36,678 --> 00:15:39,345 You know, I'm trying to take some agency in my life, 363 00:15:39,497 --> 00:15:42,348 and you're over here telling me to just "see what happens." 364 00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:44,776 -That's not helpful. -Threesome? 365 00:15:45,003 --> 00:15:46,611 (gasps) Excuse me? 366 00:15:46,762 --> 00:15:48,854 Uh, not with me! 367 00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:50,406 With me? 368 00:15:52,343 --> 00:15:54,177 Before we begin our service, 369 00:15:54,270 --> 00:15:56,846 I'd like to remind everyone that I became a priest 370 00:15:56,939 --> 00:16:00,516 after my divorce, so yes, I have had intercourse. 371 00:16:00,535 --> 00:16:03,461 -To start things off... -(whispering indistinctly) 372 00:16:03,612 --> 00:16:06,872 -Daniel LaRusso's gonna fight? -(whispering) 373 00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,633 Oh, I misheard that completely. 374 00:16:08,784 --> 00:16:11,544 I've just been told that a special friend of our Meredith 375 00:16:11,696 --> 00:16:14,472 has made a long trip just to be here today. 376 00:16:14,623 --> 00:16:18,309 I'd like to ask Lois Griffin to say a few words. 377 00:16:18,461 --> 00:16:20,144 (murmuring) 378 00:16:20,296 --> 00:16:21,721 That's the daughter of the richest man 379 00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:23,606 the dead lady ever worked for. 380 00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:26,892 Hi, I'm Lois Griffin. 381 00:16:27,045 --> 00:16:29,562 I, uh, I-I just wanted to be here today 382 00:16:29,714 --> 00:16:32,381 to say goodbye to Meredith and thank you. 383 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:36,143 Thank you for raising me, and-and-and for being there 384 00:16:36,237 --> 00:16:38,145 when no one else was. 385 00:16:38,239 --> 00:16:40,223 That's why I was so hurt when you left, 386 00:16:40,241 --> 00:16:42,149 and I always held it against you, 387 00:16:42,243 --> 00:16:45,394 but now I realize i-it wasn't your fault. 388 00:16:45,529 --> 00:16:46,912 You know she can't hear you, right? 389 00:16:47,065 --> 00:16:49,007 But no matter what happened, Meredith, 390 00:16:49,158 --> 00:16:51,676 thank you for being my teacher. 391 00:16:51,827 --> 00:16:53,327 Even today, you're teaching me 392 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:57,348 that the people you love most of all can still betray you. 393 00:17:00,261 --> 00:17:03,746 And now, a reading from Paul's letter to the Corinthians. 394 00:17:03,765 --> 00:17:05,890 "Dear Corinthians, camp is good. 395 00:17:06,042 --> 00:17:08,100 "Yesterday we had hot dogs. 396 00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:10,528 "Please send strawberry Big League Chew 397 00:17:10,679 --> 00:17:13,439 but wrap it in a towel because we're not allowed to have it." 398 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:16,016 -Amen. -ALL: Amen. 399 00:17:16,110 --> 00:17:18,161 (indistinct chatter) 400 00:17:23,951 --> 00:17:25,668 (engine starts) 401 00:17:29,957 --> 00:17:32,133 ♪ ♪ 402 00:17:43,304 --> 00:17:46,230 ♪ ♪ 403 00:17:50,553 --> 00:17:52,295 -(phone beeps) -Hey, it's Pewterschmidt. 404 00:17:52,313 --> 00:17:54,739 You still have that all-night construction crew? 405 00:17:54,890 --> 00:17:56,240 I need a favor. 406 00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:58,801 Hey, you owe me. I picked you up from LAX. 407 00:17:58,820 --> 00:18:02,080 You have to do anything I ever ask for the rest of time. 408 00:18:02,231 --> 00:18:04,457 (string quartet playing) 409 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,460 (lively chatter) 410 00:18:10,072 --> 00:18:12,315 Ah, there's our belle of the ball. 411 00:18:12,408 --> 00:18:14,467 And she's chosen a suitor! 412 00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:21,674 Well, you two look happy. 413 00:18:21,826 --> 00:18:24,268 -How'd you decide? -Money. 414 00:18:24,420 --> 00:18:28,331 But I do feel bad for leaving Principal Shepherd all alone. 415 00:18:28,349 --> 00:18:30,182 Oh, you leave that to me. 416 00:18:30,335 --> 00:18:34,028 I may have one more clever scheme hidden up my sleeve. 417 00:18:41,437 --> 00:18:43,696 (both grunt) 418 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:46,999 ♪ ♪ 419 00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:53,113 Oh, my. (laughs) 420 00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:55,782 This may be one of my ocular migraines talking, 421 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,618 but I see fireworks. 422 00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,879 Can I ask, is that licorice on your breath, 423 00:19:00,031 --> 00:19:01,955 or is that just my licorice breath 424 00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:03,957 bouncing out of your mouth? 425 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,126 Why don't you get in here and find out? 426 00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:08,396 (moaning softly) 427 00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:16,070 (brakes squeal) 428 00:19:16,898 --> 00:19:18,972 Wha-- Oh, are we home? 429 00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:20,549 Why aren't we going up the driveway? 430 00:19:20,568 --> 00:19:23,411 Come on. I have to show you something first. 431 00:19:26,574 --> 00:19:28,833 ♪ ♪ 432 00:19:29,060 --> 00:19:30,168 (gasps) 433 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:37,091 ♪ ♪ 434 00:19:41,255 --> 00:19:43,497 -Daddy, what is this? -It's yours. 435 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:47,727 I had to call in a favor or two, but it's all for you. 436 00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:53,708 I figured you can come here to sit whenever you miss Meredith. 437 00:19:53,710 --> 00:19:56,101 Daddy, this is beautiful. 438 00:19:56,254 --> 00:19:57,586 I'm sorry, Lois. 439 00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:00,681 You were right, people you love can betray you. 440 00:20:00,775 --> 00:20:04,017 But if they're rich enough, they can buy apology ponds. 441 00:20:04,111 --> 00:20:06,329 Thank you, Daddy. 442 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,541 (phone chimes and buzzes) 443 00:20:10,693 --> 00:20:13,211 Oh, no, Rafael, the old gardener, died. 444 00:20:13,362 --> 00:20:15,362 I have a story I have to tell you 445 00:20:15,456 --> 00:20:17,423 and, spoiler alert, you'll be getting another pond. 446 00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:27,258 Well, Dad, I guess our hotel worked out, 447 00:20:27,485 --> 00:20:29,376 and we actually made a decent profit. 448 00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:32,546 We sure did, son, but we still got work to do. 449 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,048 Hi, everybody, I'm your karaoke host, Peter Griffin. 450 00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:37,309 I will be up here far too many times tonight. 451 00:20:37,462 --> 00:20:38,903 Just a quick reminder to all of you 452 00:20:39,130 --> 00:20:40,629 that even though we haven't started yet, 453 00:20:40,723 --> 00:20:42,406 there's already an hour and 45-minute wait. 454 00:20:42,558 --> 00:20:44,742 So go ahead and write down the song you want to sing, 455 00:20:44,893 --> 00:20:46,077 hand it to me, and I will let 456 00:20:46,304 --> 00:20:48,562 15 musical theater people go before you. 457 00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:49,730 Remember, no repeats. 458 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,490 We want to give everybody a chance to sing, 459 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:54,735 although there will be the same rotation of five people up here 460 00:20:54,829 --> 00:20:56,254 over and over doing duets. 461 00:20:56,481 --> 00:20:58,739 All right, who's ready for me to kick things off 462 00:20:58,833 --> 00:21:01,133 and then go third and sixth?