1
00:00:00,724 --> 00:00:03,792
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:03,860 --> 00:00:07,196
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,263 --> 00:00:10,332
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:13,302
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,370 --> 00:00:17,239
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,510 --> 00:00:20,362
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,446 --> 00:00:21,980
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,048 --> 00:00:23,348
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:23,416 --> 00:00:26,518
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:26,586 --> 00:00:30,587
♪ Family Guy 9x06 ♪
Brian Writes a Bestseller
Original Air Date on November 21, 2010
11
00:00:30,590 --> 00:00:33,659
== Sync, corrected by elderman ==
== for www.addic7ed.com ==
12
00:00:38,229 --> 00:00:39,830
Hi. Package for
Brian Griffin.
13
00:00:39,898 --> 00:00:41,165
Oh, I can sign for that.
14
00:00:41,232 --> 00:00:43,100
Package, Bri.
15
00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:44,468
Huh. Wonder
what this is.
16
00:00:44,536 --> 00:00:46,937
It's my book.
17
00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:49,006
And there's a note
from my publisher.
18
00:00:49,074 --> 00:00:51,275
"We are returning
all of the unsold copies
19
00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:53,010
of Faster Than
the Speed of Love."
20
00:00:53,078 --> 00:00:54,578
You guys got a garage
or something?
21
00:00:54,646 --> 00:00:56,246
We got like 300 boxes
of these things.
22
00:00:56,314 --> 00:01:00,551
Wow, that's a lot of boxes!
23
00:01:03,655 --> 00:01:05,422
Oh, this is so weird.
24
00:01:05,490 --> 00:01:07,357
Look what they used
to pack your book in.
25
00:01:07,425 --> 00:01:09,059
Shredded-up pieces of your book.
26
00:01:09,127 --> 00:01:10,527
Okay, that's it, I'm finished.
27
00:01:10,595 --> 00:01:11,795
What are you
talking about?
28
00:01:11,863 --> 00:01:13,464
I'm-I'm finished.
I'm done. It's over.
29
00:01:13,531 --> 00:01:15,532
Clearly, I am not
meant to be a writer.
30
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:18,168
I have tried and I have tried,
and nothing has worked out.
31
00:01:18,236 --> 00:01:21,004
I... put my heart out there, and
it keeps getting stomped on.
32
00:01:21,072 --> 00:01:22,973
Well, that's it, no more.
33
00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:24,608
I-I-I'm done writing.
34
00:01:24,676 --> 00:01:26,276
What? Writing's
the only thing
35
00:01:26,344 --> 00:01:27,678
that's giving your alcoholism
any credibility.
36
00:01:27,745 --> 00:01:29,346
Ooh, hey, you know, I just
thought of something,
37
00:01:29,414 --> 00:01:30,914
hold on a sec.
38
00:01:30,982 --> 00:01:33,484
I bought a vase last week
and it's still in the box,
39
00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:36,320
and I just want to check to see
what they used to pack it...
40
00:01:36,387 --> 00:01:37,821
Ah, it's your book!
41
00:01:41,359 --> 00:01:45,062
Oh, my God,
this gets me so angry!
42
00:01:45,113 --> 00:01:46,130
What? What is it?
43
00:01:46,197 --> 00:01:47,764
Look at this.
44
00:01:47,832 --> 00:01:50,300
The number-one book on The New
York Times Bestseller list
45
00:01:50,368 --> 00:01:52,870
is Dream Your Way to
Spiritual Joy by Pauly Shore.
46
00:01:52,937 --> 00:01:54,738
This is why nobody
bought my damn book.
47
00:01:54,806 --> 00:01:56,406
You know, this is
what they want.
48
00:01:56,474 --> 00:01:57,841
The Secret.
49
00:01:57,909 --> 00:01:59,610
Chicken Soup for the Soul.
The Purpose Driven Life.
50
00:01:59,677 --> 00:02:02,646
I-I tell ya, I could crap one
of those things out in a night.
51
00:02:02,714 --> 00:02:04,548
I'm gonna tell Mom
you said "crap."
52
00:02:04,616 --> 00:02:07,718
No, I mean it. I could do it in three
hours and idiots everywhere would buy it.
53
00:02:07,785 --> 00:02:10,754
Well, why don't you? Believe me, I
would love to, just to make a point,
54
00:02:10,822 --> 00:02:12,156
but I... I've
given up writing.
55
00:02:12,223 --> 00:02:14,091
Yes, but you cared about
what you wrote before.
56
00:02:14,159 --> 00:02:16,460
You don't care about this,
so what does it matter?
57
00:02:16,528 --> 00:02:18,028
Well, you do have a point.
58
00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:19,263
All right. Maybe I will.
59
00:02:19,330 --> 00:02:21,131
Oh, how fun. Can
I watch you write it?
60
00:02:21,199 --> 00:02:23,634
I don't know, Stewie,
I kind of like to write in solitude.
61
00:02:23,701 --> 00:02:26,470
No, no, I promise, I'll be as
quiet as a guy in a coma.
62
00:02:26,538 --> 00:02:27,804
Ah, this is great.
63
00:02:27,872 --> 00:02:29,640
I can finally be alone
with my thoughts.
64
00:02:29,707 --> 00:02:32,843
Wait, I've got it.
Predator versus Batman.
65
00:02:32,911 --> 00:02:35,712
Why has no one done this?
I need a pen, where's a pen?
66
00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,315
Oh, right, I can't move.
That's okay, I'll remember it.
67
00:02:38,383 --> 00:02:40,150
I mean, I can't forget a
million-dollar idea like that.
68
00:02:40,218 --> 00:02:42,553
It's even better than the one
yesterday about the guys who...
69
00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:44,354
Wait, I mean
the woman with the...
70
00:02:44,422 --> 00:02:46,290
What was it?
Was she a shapeshifter?
71
00:02:46,357 --> 00:02:48,992
Damn it, I just had it.
All right, calm down.
72
00:02:49,060 --> 00:02:50,527
At least you've still
got Batman and the...
73
00:02:50,595 --> 00:02:52,262
It was Batman Meets...
74
00:02:52,330 --> 00:02:54,131
Oh, you got to be kidding me,
I just had it.
75
00:02:54,199 --> 00:02:56,300
What was it, Batman Has a Son?
76
00:02:56,367 --> 00:02:59,102
No, no, you idiot.
No wonder your wife shot you.
77
00:03:04,075 --> 00:03:05,676
And... done.
78
00:03:05,743 --> 00:03:07,177
There it is, Stewie.
79
00:03:07,245 --> 00:03:08,912
Three hours, 27 minutes
and I've got myself
80
00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:10,447
one big steamin' pile of book.
81
00:03:10,515 --> 00:03:12,416
You want to hear it?
Oh, definitely.
82
00:03:12,483 --> 00:03:13,584
What are you calling it?
83
00:03:13,651 --> 00:03:14,785
Wish It, Want It, Do It.
84
00:03:14,852 --> 00:03:15,986
Love it.
85
00:03:16,054 --> 00:03:17,955
Thanks. Okay.
"Chapter One: Wish it.
86
00:03:18,022 --> 00:03:20,691
"What are all the things
you want most in the world?
87
00:03:20,758 --> 00:03:22,292
"Use the following
blank pages
88
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:24,661
to write down all of your
dreams and desires."
89
00:03:24,729 --> 00:03:27,097
Ah. Brilliant. Make them do the work.
Yeah, why not?
90
00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:29,166
You know, i-i-if people want
crap, I'll give 'em crap.
91
00:03:29,234 --> 00:03:30,567
And, you know, I have a friend
92
00:03:30,635 --> 00:03:32,302
who might be able to help
get this published.
93
00:03:32,370 --> 00:03:33,570
Wait, you have a friend
in publishing
94
00:03:33,638 --> 00:03:35,105
and you never told me before?
95
00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:37,074
He's kind of a new friend.
Who is he?
96
00:03:37,141 --> 00:03:40,010
Yeah, I don't know if you want to
start digging around in this area.
97
00:03:40,078 --> 00:03:42,212
Let's just leave it at
he's a friend in publishing
98
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:43,747
and he calls on Thursdays.
99
00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:52,122
Um, hey, Brian, when you're
done, can I make a pirate hat?
100
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:53,357
Here,
just take it.
101
00:03:55,293 --> 00:03:57,294
I look awesome.
102
00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:58,629
All right, I got to
go to a wedding.
103
00:03:58,696 --> 00:04:00,697
I'll see you later.
104
00:04:00,748 --> 00:04:02,432
Oh, my God, that is
fantastic news!
105
00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:04,635
I can't wait to tell him!
106
00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:06,270
I know, I told you
the book was good.
107
00:04:06,337 --> 00:04:09,072
Yeah, thank you
so much, Don.
108
00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:11,908
Um... red overalls,
a yellow shirt underneath--
109
00:04:11,976 --> 00:04:14,611
um, I-I-I don't really have
time to do this right now.
110
00:04:14,679 --> 00:04:15,879
Brian, they're publishing
your book.
111
00:04:15,947 --> 00:04:17,981
You're kidding.
I-I can't believe it.
112
00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:19,883
That's the worst thing
I've ever written.
113
00:04:19,951 --> 00:04:21,852
Not according
to Penguin Publishing.
114
00:04:21,919 --> 00:04:23,754
In fact, you're supposed
to call the chief editor.
115
00:04:25,123 --> 00:04:26,456
Penguin Publishing.
116
00:04:26,524 --> 00:04:27,791
One moment, please.
117
00:04:27,859 --> 00:04:30,260
Sir, I have a Brian Griffin
on the line...
118
00:04:30,328 --> 00:04:32,195
Out. Get out!
Get out now!
119
00:04:39,158 --> 00:04:42,227
All right, everyone, I made
a very special breakfast
120
00:04:42,295 --> 00:04:44,162
to celebrate Brian's
book coming out.
121
00:04:44,190 --> 00:04:45,958
And... and...
122
00:04:46,025 --> 00:04:47,759
it's a special breakfast
for me, too, right?
123
00:04:47,827 --> 00:04:49,061
Why?
124
00:04:49,128 --> 00:04:51,496
Because... because it
is the anniversary
125
00:04:51,564 --> 00:04:54,499
of when I started
to eat vegetables.
126
00:04:54,567 --> 00:04:56,768
Author! Author!
127
00:04:56,836 --> 00:04:58,303
And Peter for
eating healthy.
128
00:04:58,371 --> 00:05:00,339
Oh, Lois, you didn't have
to go through all this fuss.
129
00:05:00,406 --> 00:05:01,840
What you got there?
130
00:05:01,908 --> 00:05:03,809
Oh, this? It's just
a copy of Us magazine.
131
00:05:03,876 --> 00:05:05,310
Can you believe it?
132
00:05:05,378 --> 00:05:07,546
Wish it, Want it, Do it
got three stars.
133
00:05:07,614 --> 00:05:08,981
How... How
hilarious is that?
134
00:05:09,048 --> 00:05:10,983
It's not hilarious;
its great, Brian.
135
00:05:11,050 --> 00:05:12,751
That's a huge accomplishment.
136
00:05:12,819 --> 00:05:14,953
Well, I helped get
the review in.
137
00:05:15,021 --> 00:05:16,655
I called a friend
over at Us Weekly
138
00:05:16,723 --> 00:05:19,124
who usually just covers people
with gross amounts of children,
139
00:05:19,192 --> 00:05:20,392
but now he's the book reviewer.
140
00:05:20,460 --> 00:05:22,194
So hats off to both of us.
141
00:05:22,261 --> 00:05:25,130
Well, n-nice going, Stewie.
You ought to be my publicist.
142
00:05:25,198 --> 00:05:27,299
You know, I-I don't want you
to be offering me this
143
00:05:27,367 --> 00:05:28,634
just because we're related.
144
00:05:28,701 --> 00:05:30,469
I do have references
you can call.
145
00:05:30,536 --> 00:05:32,137
You know, I-I spent a month
146
00:05:32,205 --> 00:05:34,039
as Melanie Griffith's
loose skin holder.
147
00:05:34,090 --> 00:05:34,923
Melanie! Melanie!
Over here.
148
00:05:35,008 --> 00:05:36,508
You look beautiful.
149
00:05:36,575 --> 00:05:40,812
Can't... hold... on...
much... longer... Whoa.
150
00:05:42,348 --> 00:05:44,449
I should have stayed in bed.
151
00:05:47,387 --> 00:05:49,054
Yeah, we're walking in now.
152
00:05:49,122 --> 00:05:51,356
Make sure Tom Tucker knows
he has 20 minutes
153
00:05:51,424 --> 00:05:54,526
and he is to only talk about the book--
no personal questions, all right?
154
00:05:54,594 --> 00:05:57,029
Are you okay? You good? You...
You need anything? All right.
155
00:05:57,096 --> 00:05:59,431
All right, we're inside and there
is nobody here to greet us.
156
00:05:59,499 --> 00:06:02,167
We have no idea where we are or
where we're supposed to go.
157
00:06:02,235 --> 00:06:04,236
Oh wait, is that you
on the phone over there?
158
00:06:04,303 --> 00:06:06,238
Is this--? This is us.
Look over here.
159
00:06:06,305 --> 00:06:07,906
There we go.
He sees us. All right.
160
00:06:07,974 --> 00:06:09,041
Hi, thanks for coming.
161
00:06:09,108 --> 00:06:10,475
Yeah, hello,
we've been here awhile.
162
00:06:10,543 --> 00:06:12,210
Come on, I'll show
you the green room.
163
00:06:12,278 --> 00:06:15,013
And Mr. Griffin, I just have
to say, I loved your book.
164
00:06:15,081 --> 00:06:16,248
Oh, well, thanks.
165
00:06:16,299 --> 00:06:17,249
What's your name?
Sharhooz.
166
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:18,417
Oh, my God.
167
00:06:18,484 --> 00:06:21,620
It'll just be a few minutes.
168
00:06:21,688 --> 00:06:24,089
Oh, uh, excuse me, there's
something on the wall.
169
00:06:25,958 --> 00:06:28,493
Now you have exactly 20
seconds to find us a room
170
00:06:28,561 --> 00:06:31,163
with a white sofa, a white
table, white hydrangeas
171
00:06:31,230 --> 00:06:32,447
and Fiji water!
172
00:06:33,766 --> 00:06:35,267
Geez, Stewie, there's
no need to--
173
00:06:35,334 --> 00:06:38,103
Ooh, I said no gray M & M's.
These are all gray.
174
00:06:38,171 --> 00:06:40,172
Don't worry, Brian.
I've got it all under control.
175
00:06:40,239 --> 00:06:41,807
You're a big canine star.
176
00:06:41,874 --> 00:06:43,508
They should be treating
you like Spuds MacKenzie.
177
00:06:43,576 --> 00:06:45,310
Man, I wonder
what he's doing now.
178
00:06:47,580 --> 00:06:49,448
Now, ladies,
approach him slowly.
179
00:06:49,515 --> 00:06:51,183
He can't really
see anymore.
180
00:06:51,250 --> 00:06:53,385
I've injected him
with the Viagra.
181
00:06:53,453 --> 00:06:55,087
Now, I'm gonna roll
him on his back,
182
00:06:55,154 --> 00:06:57,923
but you're pretty much gonna
have to do 100% of the work.
183
00:07:01,461 --> 00:07:04,162
We're here with Brian Griffin,
local author
184
00:07:04,230 --> 00:07:06,531
of the new bestseller
Wish it, Want it, Do it.
185
00:07:06,599 --> 00:07:08,366
Am I pronouncing
that correctly?
186
00:07:08,434 --> 00:07:09,801
Uh, yeah.
187
00:07:09,869 --> 00:07:12,504
N-Now, what does that mean--
Wish It, Want It, Do It?
188
00:07:12,572 --> 00:07:16,108
Uh, well, it... it basically just
refers to the steps necessary
189
00:07:16,175 --> 00:07:19,544
for identifying and achieving
your dreams and doing so
190
00:07:19,612 --> 00:07:22,380
in as effective and expeditious
a manner as possible.
191
00:07:22,448 --> 00:07:25,117
Wow. And it's
nonfiction, right?
192
00:07:25,184 --> 00:07:26,351
Y... uh... yes, it is.
193
00:07:26,419 --> 00:07:28,019
Now, w-which one is
that? I always forget.
194
00:07:28,087 --> 00:07:30,021
Is that the one that
really happened or not?
195
00:07:30,089 --> 00:07:31,990
Uh... yeah.
Okay, oh, so this...
196
00:07:32,058 --> 00:07:34,025
so now... so this
is... this is a true story.
197
00:07:34,093 --> 00:07:35,527
Well, it's not really
a narrative--
198
00:07:35,595 --> 00:07:37,596
Doesn't matter. I'm hooked.
199
00:07:37,663 --> 00:07:39,264
And we'll be right
back with sports.
200
00:07:39,332 --> 00:07:41,266
Okay, you're doing
great so far.
201
00:07:41,334 --> 00:07:42,934
Now I was just texting
with New York.
202
00:07:43,002 --> 00:07:44,336
We're doing a
whole thing there.
203
00:07:44,403 --> 00:07:46,338
I booked your plane ticket,
and I specifically asked
204
00:07:46,405 --> 00:07:48,039
that you not sit next
to an Asian.
205
00:07:48,107 --> 00:07:49,541
Stewie, that's racist.
That's terrible.
206
00:07:49,609 --> 00:07:52,210
I'm sorry, do you want me
to call back and change it?
207
00:07:52,278 --> 00:07:54,746
Well, it's done now.
Seems like a lot of extra work.
208
00:08:00,753 --> 00:08:01,987
Okay, there's a book signing
209
00:08:02,054 --> 00:08:04,239
at the Barnes and Noble
on Union Square at 5:00.
210
00:08:04,323 --> 00:08:06,558
And then at 7:00 you're
meeting with a reporter
211
00:08:06,609 --> 00:08:07,793
from In Style magazine
at Pastis.
212
00:08:07,860 --> 00:08:09,494
I just wanna warn you,
she's very heavy.
213
00:08:09,562 --> 00:08:11,163
So be prepared for that.
214
00:08:11,230 --> 00:08:13,198
Geez, how heavy?
I don't know, but apparently heavy enough
215
00:08:13,249 --> 00:08:15,033
that they felt they
needed to warn me.
216
00:08:15,084 --> 00:08:17,435
Oh, look at this, your book
is number three on Amazon.
217
00:08:17,503 --> 00:08:18,537
Number three?
218
00:08:18,604 --> 00:08:19,805
Well, who's number one?
219
00:08:19,872 --> 00:08:22,007
Oh, it's that new biography
on Michael Jackson.
220
00:08:22,074 --> 00:08:23,775
Oh, come on, another one?
221
00:08:23,843 --> 00:08:25,243
Unless it was written
222
00:08:25,311 --> 00:08:26,745
by a ten-year-old's
bottom, who cares?
223
00:08:26,813 --> 00:08:29,414
I... it doesn't say who
the author is, Brian,
224
00:08:29,482 --> 00:08:31,917
but I... I would guess that
it's probably not that.
225
00:08:31,984 --> 00:08:33,552
Well, Stewie,
I can't tell you
226
00:08:33,619 --> 00:08:34,953
how much I appreciate
all you're doing.
227
00:08:35,021 --> 00:08:36,888
I mean, I-I have been so
happy with most everything.
228
00:08:36,956 --> 00:08:38,590
Oh... y... Most?
229
00:08:38,658 --> 00:08:40,826
Oh, yeah... Oh, don't even, it's
so tiny, those other things,
230
00:08:40,893 --> 00:08:42,794
it's not even worth...
Oh, my God, you're amazing.
231
00:08:42,862 --> 00:08:44,396
I've been so thrilled
with how you're doing.
232
00:08:44,463 --> 00:08:45,463
Oh, great.
233
00:08:45,531 --> 00:08:46,798
Hi, can I help you?
234
00:08:46,866 --> 00:08:48,633
Yeah, uh... Checking in.
Brian Griffin.
235
00:08:48,701 --> 00:08:50,468
You... You should
usually do that.
236
00:08:50,536 --> 00:08:51,870
That... You should
check me in.
237
00:08:51,938 --> 00:08:54,039
That's like one of the
things I was talking about.
238
00:08:54,106 --> 00:08:57,242
I just have to tell you,
I loved your book, Mr. Griffin.
239
00:08:57,310 --> 00:09:00,312
Oh, thank you so much.
You made my day.
240
00:09:00,379 --> 00:09:01,546
So, you still in school?
241
00:09:01,614 --> 00:09:03,114
Graduating this year.
242
00:09:03,182 --> 00:09:05,317
Well, we'll have to
celebrate while I'm here.
243
00:09:05,384 --> 00:09:09,521
Okay, well, I'll be
right back with your key.
244
00:09:09,589 --> 00:09:11,656
She's so pretty, isn't she?
245
00:09:11,724 --> 00:09:13,024
Yeah... you know.
246
00:09:13,092 --> 00:09:14,459
Do you think she liked me?
247
00:09:14,527 --> 00:09:15,827
I don't know.
248
00:09:15,895 --> 00:09:17,329
How... How weird would it be
249
00:09:17,396 --> 00:09:19,264
if she just showed up
at my room later?
250
00:09:19,332 --> 00:09:20,832
I... Pretty weird, I guess.
251
00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:23,101
Oh, my God, were you... were
you thinking of doing that?
252
00:09:23,169 --> 00:09:24,636
Sending her to my room?
253
00:09:24,704 --> 00:09:26,538
No... why?
254
00:09:26,606 --> 00:09:28,673
Why? Were you thinking
of me doing that?
255
00:09:28,741 --> 00:09:31,109
I don't even know what
you're saying anymore, man.
256
00:09:31,177 --> 00:09:33,178
Just... do... do whatever
you're thinking.
257
00:09:33,246 --> 00:09:35,013
Oh, man, crazy.
258
00:09:40,519 --> 00:09:43,588
Hi, um, I just want to say
that I can't tell you
259
00:09:43,656 --> 00:09:45,090
how much your book
has helped me.
260
00:09:45,157 --> 00:09:46,124
Uh-huh. What's your name?
261
00:09:46,192 --> 00:09:47,592
It's Jan.
262
00:09:47,660 --> 00:09:48,827
Okay, here you go, Dan.
263
00:09:48,895 --> 00:09:50,028
Y-Yeah, it's Jan.
264
00:09:50,096 --> 00:09:51,496
Back of the line. Go on.
265
00:09:51,547 --> 00:09:52,898
Come back around,
he'll try it again.
266
00:09:52,965 --> 00:09:55,100
Hi. Can you make
it out to Kelly?
267
00:09:55,167 --> 00:09:57,602
Well, hi there. I sure can.
268
00:09:57,670 --> 00:09:59,304
You know, I have to tell you,
269
00:09:59,372 --> 00:10:01,439
Wish It, Want It, Do It
totally changed my life.
270
00:10:01,507 --> 00:10:03,775
Well, you know, that's what I
set out to do with this book,
271
00:10:03,843 --> 00:10:07,779
so, you know, I gotta tell you,
that makes me feel pretty great.
272
00:10:07,847 --> 00:10:09,981
This is just a phone number.
273
00:10:10,049 --> 00:10:12,951
I know, I know,
my phone number.
274
00:10:13,019 --> 00:10:15,353
Oh.
Yeah.
275
00:10:15,421 --> 00:10:16,988
What do you think of that?
276
00:10:17,056 --> 00:10:19,624
Um, I'm not sure.
277
00:10:19,692 --> 00:10:20,926
Well, you know,
I'm sure for you.
278
00:10:20,993 --> 00:10:21,927
Oh.
279
00:10:21,994 --> 00:10:22,928
Yeah.
280
00:10:22,995 --> 00:10:23,929
I see.
281
00:10:23,996 --> 00:10:25,430
Yeah.
282
00:10:25,498 --> 00:10:27,065
I'm a little creeped out.
283
00:10:27,133 --> 00:10:30,251
Hey, congratulations,
somebody famous now hates you.
284
00:10:30,336 --> 00:10:33,138
Okay, so, that's enough
autographs, I think.
285
00:10:33,205 --> 00:10:35,473
Listen, I want to thank
you all for coming down.
286
00:10:35,541 --> 00:10:38,877
And remember, Wish It,
Want It, Buy It. All right.
287
00:10:38,945 --> 00:10:40,345
Brian, settle down.
288
00:10:40,413 --> 00:10:42,180
You're worse than that guy
from Penguin Publishing.
289
00:10:42,248 --> 00:10:44,349
You want to get a book
published, don't you?
290
00:10:44,417 --> 00:10:46,151
Well... yes.
291
00:10:46,218 --> 00:10:48,386
Well, if you want to be
in black and white,
292
00:10:48,454 --> 00:10:50,689
black and white's
gotta be in you.
293
00:10:59,432 --> 00:11:01,266
God, you know,
Stewie, I-I used
294
00:11:01,334 --> 00:11:03,768
to think that John Lennon
was kind of a jerk
295
00:11:03,836 --> 00:11:05,770
for saying The Beatles
were bigger than Jesus,
296
00:11:05,838 --> 00:11:07,772
but now, I mean, it's like,
297
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:10,241
I'm not saying I am,
but I get it.
298
00:11:10,309 --> 00:11:12,277
You know, now that we have
two minutes
299
00:11:12,345 --> 00:11:13,645
to kinda let
the dust settle,
300
00:11:13,713 --> 00:11:16,247
I just wanna say
that I'm really proud of you.
301
00:11:16,315 --> 00:11:18,183
Hey, I'm proud of myself, man.
302
00:11:18,250 --> 00:11:19,784
I mean, I think
it's like... you know,
303
00:11:19,852 --> 00:11:22,220
I-I think everybody has
greatness in them,
304
00:11:22,288 --> 00:11:24,689
but it's-it's really about
having the courage
305
00:11:24,757 --> 00:11:26,691
to just kinda get inside
your own head
306
00:11:26,759 --> 00:11:29,361
and just kinda poke around in
there, you know, be, like,
307
00:11:29,428 --> 00:11:31,162
"Hey, oh, my gosh,
what's under here?
308
00:11:31,230 --> 00:11:32,797
"Hey, what do you call yourself?
309
00:11:32,865 --> 00:11:34,032
"Oh, Wisdom.
310
00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:35,066
"Oh, Profundity.
311
00:11:35,134 --> 00:11:37,535
"Oh, Truth.
312
00:11:37,603 --> 00:11:39,604
"Hey, let's, let's all just go
hang out together
313
00:11:39,672 --> 00:11:41,172
between the covers of a book."
314
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,174
I love hearing
about your process.
315
00:11:43,242 --> 00:11:45,443
Hey, enough about me.
This was a great meal.
316
00:11:45,511 --> 00:11:47,379
Oh, good, good,
I'm glad you like it.
317
00:11:47,446 --> 00:11:48,880
They told me
everybody comes here.
318
00:11:50,182 --> 00:11:51,349
Hey, there's
Renee Zellweger.
319
00:11:51,417 --> 00:11:52,751
Hey, Renee,
how you doin'?
320
00:11:52,818 --> 00:11:54,519
Oh, hi, Brian!
321
00:12:00,993 --> 00:12:02,427
She seemed really nice.
322
00:12:02,495 --> 00:12:03,595
Get over here!
323
00:12:03,646 --> 00:12:04,796
Is, is everything okay?
324
00:12:04,864 --> 00:12:05,997
No, everything is
not okay.
325
00:12:06,065 --> 00:12:07,665
Can you figure out
what the problem is?
326
00:12:07,733 --> 00:12:09,734
I-I don't...
I-I honestly have no...
327
00:12:09,802 --> 00:12:11,136
Oh, God!
328
00:12:11,203 --> 00:12:14,039
How do you think I feel walking
out of the back room
329
00:12:14,106 --> 00:12:16,808
of a restaurant and seeing
Renee Zellweger eating
330
00:12:16,876 --> 00:12:18,543
in the front room
of that restaurant?
331
00:12:18,611 --> 00:12:19,611
I am mortified.
332
00:12:19,678 --> 00:12:20,945
Absolutely mortified!
333
00:12:21,013 --> 00:12:22,714
You should know better
than this!
334
00:12:22,782 --> 00:12:25,550
I-I told them who you were
when I made the reservation!
335
00:12:25,618 --> 00:12:28,286
Look, I have written
a best-selling phenomenon!
336
00:12:28,354 --> 00:12:30,755
I should be sitting in
the front damn room!!
337
00:12:30,823 --> 00:12:32,524
Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you.
338
00:12:32,591 --> 00:12:35,560
And I just want you
to know that my only goal is
339
00:12:35,628 --> 00:12:37,829
to be able to help
you better.
340
00:12:37,897 --> 00:12:39,597
And you being
honest with me,
341
00:12:39,665 --> 00:12:41,066
well, that's helping
me do that.
342
00:12:41,133 --> 00:12:42,033
So thank you.
343
00:12:42,101 --> 00:12:43,234
Good.
344
00:12:45,704 --> 00:12:47,639
Oh, Brian, are you going
straight back to the hotel?
345
00:12:47,706 --> 00:12:49,641
'Cause I was gonna go back...
346
00:12:49,708 --> 00:12:51,709
You know what, I'll just...
I'll take a cab.
347
00:12:55,247 --> 00:12:56,514
Oh.
348
00:12:56,582 --> 00:12:58,450
Well, at least
it's not raining.
349
00:13:07,805 --> 00:13:09,740
Hey, Brian,
welcome home!
350
00:13:09,821 --> 00:13:11,054
How was your
book signing?
351
00:13:11,122 --> 00:13:12,422
Geez, Lois,
could I have,
352
00:13:12,490 --> 00:13:13,990
like, five minutes
to decompress, please?
353
00:13:14,058 --> 00:13:15,892
It was a really
horrible flight,
354
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:20,897
and I was sitting next to a
Japanese guy who had a cold.
355
00:13:20,965 --> 00:13:23,633
Dear God,
he's become a monster!
356
00:13:23,701 --> 00:13:25,936
Stewie, I got a flea
thing goin' on in here!
357
00:13:26,003 --> 00:13:27,003
Where the hell's
my Frontline?!
358
00:13:29,741 --> 00:13:32,576
Oh, my God! Brian! Brian!
359
00:13:32,643 --> 00:13:33,777
Brian, look at this!
360
00:13:33,845 --> 00:13:36,146
I got you on
Real Time with Bill Maher!
361
00:13:36,214 --> 00:13:37,881
You're kidding?
That's awesome, Stewie!
362
00:13:37,949 --> 00:13:39,015
Great job!
363
00:13:39,083 --> 00:13:40,951
Oh, "great job,"
so you know that phrase.
364
00:13:41,018 --> 00:13:42,285
What's that?
What?
365
00:13:42,353 --> 00:13:44,054
What phrase do I know?
366
00:13:44,122 --> 00:13:45,589
Bill Maher, whoo!
367
00:13:50,328 --> 00:13:52,329
Okay, so the topic is
going to be,
368
00:13:52,396 --> 00:13:54,131
"Should God play
a role in politics?"
369
00:13:54,198 --> 00:13:56,800
Oh, and here's your heartworm
pill wrapped in bologna.
370
00:13:56,868 --> 00:13:58,502
Stewie, the point
of the bologna is
371
00:13:58,569 --> 00:14:00,437
that I don't know
the pill is there.
372
00:14:00,505 --> 00:14:02,672
Why am I standing
under an air vent?!
373
00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:04,040
Um... because...
374
00:14:04,108 --> 00:14:05,275
because that's where...
375
00:14:05,343 --> 00:14:06,409
Because that's where...
376
00:14:06,477 --> 00:14:08,078
I...
I...
377
00:14:08,146 --> 00:14:09,780
Because...
Because...
378
00:14:09,847 --> 00:14:10,947
Well...
Well...
379
00:14:11,015 --> 00:14:12,415
I can...
I can...
380
00:14:12,483 --> 00:14:13,550
Uh...
Uh..
381
00:14:13,618 --> 00:14:15,051
You...
Yeah...
382
00:14:15,119 --> 00:14:16,787
Uh... Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, uh.
383
00:14:16,854 --> 00:14:18,789
Okay, Mr. Griffin, we'll be
ready in five minutes.
384
00:14:18,856 --> 00:14:21,391
You'll be on the panel with Arianna
Huffington and Dana Gould.
385
00:14:21,459 --> 00:14:22,859
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
386
00:14:22,927 --> 00:14:24,194
My-my publicist told me
Christopher Hitchens
387
00:14:24,262 --> 00:14:25,562
would be on the panel.
388
00:14:25,630 --> 00:14:28,899
No, we told him Dana
and Arianna two hours ago.
389
00:14:28,966 --> 00:14:31,535
I did my prep research on
Christopher Hitchens.
390
00:14:31,602 --> 00:14:34,237
I am so... sorry.
391
00:14:34,305 --> 00:14:35,705
I am done with you.
392
00:14:35,773 --> 00:14:37,073
Do you hear me?! Done!
393
00:14:37,141 --> 00:14:38,375
Get out of here now!
394
00:14:38,442 --> 00:14:39,409
Brian, please.
395
00:14:39,477 --> 00:14:40,710
You're fired!
396
00:14:47,752 --> 00:14:50,086
Yes, but I think the more
important question
397
00:14:50,154 --> 00:14:51,888
that sometimes gets
ignored is
398
00:14:51,956 --> 00:14:54,057
what about the separation
of church and state?
399
00:14:54,125 --> 00:14:55,425
Well, Bill,
see, I think...
400
00:14:55,493 --> 00:14:57,127
Uh-uh-uh, actually, Dana,
if I may, if I may,
401
00:14:57,195 --> 00:14:59,062
I have some insight on this.
Bill, do you mind?
402
00:14:59,130 --> 00:15:00,430
Go, dog.
403
00:15:01,499 --> 00:15:03,266
Well, it just so happens
404
00:15:03,334 --> 00:15:05,702
that separation of church and
state is something
405
00:15:05,770 --> 00:15:07,637
I'm actually gonna cover in
my next book,
406
00:15:07,705 --> 00:15:10,106
God. Period. Dammit.
407
00:15:13,077 --> 00:15:14,377
What does that mean?
408
00:15:14,445 --> 00:15:16,780
Uh, well, if I can
expand on this.
409
00:15:16,848 --> 00:15:20,550
Um, for one thing,
"In God we trust" is on money.
410
00:15:20,618 --> 00:15:22,886
Now, what does that tell ya?
411
00:15:22,954 --> 00:15:26,156
Tells me Americans will get
all Christ-y
412
00:15:26,224 --> 00:15:28,358
about any sort
of stupid .
413
00:15:28,426 --> 00:15:30,126
So what?
414
00:15:30,194 --> 00:15:33,196
I think what's
actually alarming is the fact
415
00:15:33,264 --> 00:15:36,266
that all this kind
of pseudo spirituality is
416
00:15:36,334 --> 00:15:39,603
being peddled to the American
people in books that have,
417
00:15:39,670 --> 00:15:43,440
really, less substance
than an issue of TV Guide.
418
00:15:43,507 --> 00:15:44,941
That's a good argument.
It's a very good argument.
419
00:15:45,009 --> 00:15:46,343
I agree. I agree.
420
00:15:46,410 --> 00:15:50,714
Really? Because I read
Wish It, Want It, Do It.
421
00:15:50,765 --> 00:15:52,382
Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed!
422
00:15:52,450 --> 00:15:53,917
Uh, gosh, next thing you know,
423
00:15:53,985 --> 00:15:55,619
both of you guys are
gonna tell me
424
00:15:55,686 --> 00:15:57,187
that it changed your lives.
425
00:15:57,255 --> 00:16:00,523
Uh, yeah, I,
I didn't read it.
426
00:16:02,260 --> 00:16:05,228
Oh, hey, oh, so you're the guy.
427
00:16:05,296 --> 00:16:06,863
It's-It's actually...
it's actually very popular.
428
00:16:06,931 --> 00:16:08,498
Well, it may be popular,
429
00:16:08,566 --> 00:16:11,434
but I, I have to say
I agree with Arianna.
430
00:16:11,502 --> 00:16:13,069
Uh, I think
it's actually quite harmful.
431
00:16:13,137 --> 00:16:15,338
Oh. Did you...?
When, when did you say that?
432
00:16:15,406 --> 00:16:17,040
I just did.
433
00:16:18,643 --> 00:16:20,810
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, maybe,
maybe 'cause it sounds
434
00:16:20,878 --> 00:16:22,545
like you're talking
with a mouthful of syrup,
435
00:16:22,613 --> 00:16:24,314
I just didn't get it.
436
00:16:26,284 --> 00:16:27,918
Hey, you, man.
437
00:16:32,890 --> 00:16:36,626
Actually, it, it,
I mean, it seems
438
00:16:36,694 --> 00:16:40,597
that these sorts of books tend
to pander to the laziest kind
439
00:16:40,665 --> 00:16:43,300
of self-help within the
narrowest socioeconomic range.
440
00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:46,736
I mean, yeah, you u can wish it,
and you can do it,
441
00:16:46,804 --> 00:16:49,339
but only if you have
the educational advantages,
442
00:16:49,407 --> 00:16:51,741
the societal advantages
that, like, what,
443
00:16:51,809 --> 00:16:53,777
five per cent
of the country has.
444
00:16:53,844 --> 00:16:55,946
Well, yeah, you forgot "want
it," which is such a big part
445
00:16:56,013 --> 00:16:57,781
of the book. I mean, but, but
you know, then again,
446
00:16:57,848 --> 00:16:59,582
you just said you haven't read
it, so, you know...
447
00:16:59,650 --> 00:17:02,452
Actually, since I said
that, I did read it.
448
00:17:04,155 --> 00:17:06,189
And that's another thing,
I have to say
449
00:17:06,257 --> 00:17:09,960
aren't "wish it" and "want it"
really the same thing?
450
00:17:10,027 --> 00:17:12,729
I mean, your book...
451
00:17:12,797 --> 00:17:14,731
basically makes three points,
452
00:17:14,799 --> 00:17:17,033
and two of them
are the same point.
453
00:17:18,469 --> 00:17:20,870
Well, you know, I mean, it does
seem to be helping
454
00:17:20,938 --> 00:17:22,005
a lot of people, Bill...
455
00:17:22,073 --> 00:17:25,375
Well, "help" is a strong word.
456
00:17:25,443 --> 00:17:30,747
Um, how does this help people,
like, with cancer or in Darfur?
457
00:17:30,815 --> 00:17:33,183
Well, I mean,
it's not really for them.
458
00:17:33,250 --> 00:17:35,118
It's for, like,
if you want a car.
459
00:17:40,658 --> 00:17:42,859
How-how does this help you get
a car?
460
00:17:42,927 --> 00:17:44,894
Well, I mean,
it doesn't with that attitude.
461
00:17:44,962 --> 00:17:48,031
I mean, you have...
462
00:17:48,099 --> 00:17:50,000
You have to do some
of the work yourself.
463
00:17:50,067 --> 00:17:51,501
That's why there are
50 blank pages.
464
00:17:54,905 --> 00:17:57,607
That's why I keep it
by the phone.
465
00:17:57,675 --> 00:18:00,910
I think what this is
is simple exploitation
466
00:18:00,978 --> 00:18:03,580
of the American people who could
be using the money
467
00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:07,417
that they spend to buy this book
to actually buy something useful
468
00:18:07,485 --> 00:18:10,320
like legitimate healthcare
that they actually need.
469
00:18:15,493 --> 00:18:18,094
You know, what-what the hell's
your problem, Zsa Zsa?
470
00:18:19,296 --> 00:18:21,531
What is your problem, Snoopy?
471
00:18:24,769 --> 00:18:28,438
Look, what it comes down to is that these
false promises of, like, a quick fix
472
00:18:28,506 --> 00:18:31,041
to any and every problem
that you would ever have,
473
00:18:31,108 --> 00:18:33,676
what books like these suggest is
actually damaging
474
00:18:33,744 --> 00:18:36,513
to a large, gullible segment
of the population.
475
00:18:36,580 --> 00:18:38,481
Oh, yeah, aren't you
a sitcom writer?
476
00:18:38,549 --> 00:18:41,151
I'm an author. I have
contributed to the zeitgeist.
477
00:18:41,218 --> 00:18:42,819
Do you even know
what "zeitgeist" means?
478
00:18:42,887 --> 00:18:45,922
If I didn't know what it meant,
I wouldn't use it, Dana--
479
00:18:45,990 --> 00:18:49,659
which... which is a girl's
name-- and I'm...
480
00:18:49,727 --> 00:18:51,394
And you know,
481
00:18:51,462 --> 00:18:53,563
I-I'm not gonna
give you, I'm not gonna give you
482
00:18:53,631 --> 00:18:55,732
the definition right now just
for your satisfaction.
483
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,435
You know, Brian, I don't think
you're in a position, really,
484
00:18:58,502 --> 00:19:00,070
here to pull rank on anybody.
485
00:19:00,137 --> 00:19:02,639
I mean, yes, Dana has made
a career in comedy.
486
00:19:02,706 --> 00:19:04,407
I don't think
he's ever done anything
487
00:19:04,475 --> 00:19:05,809
as laughable as this book.
488
00:19:05,876 --> 00:19:07,110
Look, all right, well...
489
00:19:07,178 --> 00:19:10,213
What do you want?
I wrote it in a day.
490
00:19:10,281 --> 00:19:13,183
Listen, Bill, I am
491
00:19:13,250 --> 00:19:14,751
such a big fan of yours.
492
00:19:14,819 --> 00:19:16,753
I think you're totally getting
the wrong impression of me.
493
00:19:16,821 --> 00:19:18,588
I-I was just trying to write
something that would sell.
494
00:19:18,656 --> 00:19:19,989
I-I think it's crap, too.
495
00:19:20,057 --> 00:19:23,860
Wow. If I had even one shred
496
00:19:23,928 --> 00:19:28,231
of respect for you before this,
it's gone now.
497
00:19:28,299 --> 00:19:30,800
I mean, if you're gonna dump on
people,
498
00:19:30,868 --> 00:19:35,705
the kind of steaming, stinking,
smelly dump
499
00:19:35,773 --> 00:19:37,607
that your kind traffics in...
500
00:19:39,910 --> 00:19:42,512
...at least stand by your dump.
501
00:19:47,051 --> 00:19:49,152
O-okay, look,
I'm happy to do that.
502
00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:50,820
I-I-I'm just, I'm just try...
503
00:19:50,888 --> 00:19:52,489
Look, what I was saying...
504
00:19:52,556 --> 00:19:54,791
Look, just tell me
what you want me to say!
505
00:19:54,859 --> 00:19:56,893
Bill, he's urinating!
506
00:19:57,995 --> 00:19:59,028
That's it!
507
00:19:59,096 --> 00:20:00,163
Look, Bill, can I just...?
Outside.
508
00:20:00,231 --> 00:20:02,031
No, no, no, outside!
Outside now!
509
00:20:02,099 --> 00:20:03,800
Outside!
510
00:20:03,868 --> 00:20:06,002
You get outside!
511
00:20:11,942 --> 00:20:13,843
Uh, knock-knock.
512
00:20:13,911 --> 00:20:15,145
Hey, Stewie.
513
00:20:15,212 --> 00:20:16,613
What do you want?
514
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,948
I just wanna talk to you about
everything that happened.
515
00:20:19,016 --> 00:20:22,519
Um, you know,
you were the only person
516
00:20:22,586 --> 00:20:24,954
who believed in me
when I was down.
517
00:20:25,022 --> 00:20:27,657
This all happened so fast,
and I lost sight of who I was.
518
00:20:27,725 --> 00:20:29,159
I mean, you know, sure,
519
00:20:29,226 --> 00:20:31,361
you were in
a little over your head, but...
520
00:20:31,428 --> 00:20:32,595
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
521
00:20:32,663 --> 00:20:34,264
I was in
over my head?
522
00:20:34,331 --> 00:20:36,466
Yeah, but, Stewie, this isn't about
all the things you did wrong.
523
00:20:36,534 --> 00:20:38,468
It's about me apologizing.
524
00:20:38,536 --> 00:20:39,636
Okay, then apologize.
525
00:20:39,703 --> 00:20:41,704
I just did.
No, you didn't.
526
00:20:41,772 --> 00:20:43,106
You just said it's
about me apologizing.
527
00:20:43,174 --> 00:20:44,207
That's not actually
apologizing.
528
00:20:44,275 --> 00:20:45,742
All right, Stewie,
I'm sorry
529
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:48,044
that I made you uncomfortable
and put you in a situation
530
00:20:48,112 --> 00:20:49,479
that you clearly
couldn't handle.
531
00:20:49,547 --> 00:20:50,980
Okay, okay,
there it is again.
532
00:20:51,048 --> 00:20:52,282
What the hell?
Stop with that!
533
00:20:52,349 --> 00:20:53,283
Y-you're right.
You're right.
534
00:20:53,350 --> 00:20:54,684
This is,
this is about healing.
535
00:20:54,752 --> 00:20:56,519
This, this is not about
how many things
536
00:20:56,587 --> 00:20:57,954
you messed up
along the way.
537
00:20:58,022 --> 00:20:59,989
It's about how badly
I reacted to them.
538
00:21:00,057 --> 00:21:02,792
So, I'm sorry
about how badly I reacted
539
00:21:02,860 --> 00:21:04,561
to your many errors.
540
00:21:04,628 --> 00:21:06,996
That's as good as it's
gonna get, isn't it?
541
00:21:07,064 --> 00:21:09,032
Pretty much.
You can't write.
542
00:21:09,232 --> 00:21:12,732
== Sync, corrected by elderman ==
== for www.addic7ed.com ==
543
00:21:30,588 --> 00:21:35,041
♪ ♪