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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,917 --> 00:00:11,019
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Family Guy 9x03
Welcome Back Carter
Original Air Date on October 10, 2010
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-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
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Oh, Lois, I'm so glad
you were able
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to make it
to dinner tonight.
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Oh, me, too, Mom.
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We haven't seen
you in ages.
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00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:45,207
Oh, there you are.
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Did you find
the new bathroom okay?
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00:00:47,177 --> 00:00:48,710
Uh-huh.
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I'm so sorry about
your father keeping us.
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He's probably down
at the dock
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tinkering with that
darn yacht of his.
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Oh, that's okay, Mom.
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00:00:56,252 --> 00:00:57,853
We'll just have to
entertain ourselves for...
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00:00:57,921 --> 00:00:59,321
Hey, Babs, settle something
for us.
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00:00:59,389 --> 00:01:01,823
I wanted to bring, um, an owl
on this trip,
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00:01:01,891 --> 00:01:03,192
but Lois wouldn't let me.
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Could you have
accommodated an owl?
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00:01:04,994 --> 00:01:06,962
Well, I suppose there's
some room in the owlery,
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but I can't be certain.
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I'll take that as a yes.
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You owe Dr. Hoo an apology.
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00:01:12,268 --> 00:01:13,735
Hey, can we change
the channel?
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00:01:13,803 --> 00:01:15,304
I'm tired of watching
Old Ships.
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00:01:15,371 --> 00:01:17,940
Peter, that's not a TV,
it's a painting.
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00:01:18,007 --> 00:01:19,441
Actually, Lois,
it is a TV.
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00:01:19,509 --> 00:01:22,077
It's the PBS show
Old Ships.
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Good, I hate PBS.
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This PBS program is brought
to you by generous grants
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from the Arthur Vining Davis
Foundations
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and the John D. and Catherine T.
MacArthur Foundation
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00:01:31,588 --> 00:01:32,721
in association with
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00:01:32,789 --> 00:01:34,323
the Corporation
for Public Broadcasting,
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with additional funding
by Archer Midland Whiteman
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00:01:36,659 --> 00:01:38,627
Colgate Palmolive,
Exxon Mobil,
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00:01:38,695 --> 00:01:41,763
and a 20 I found in a blazer
I wore to a wedding last year.
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00:01:41,831 --> 00:01:45,167
Tonight, on Ken Burns' nine-part
series on street signs:
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"Part Four: Yield."
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OLD MAN:
Before they had the sign,
people just run into each other.
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00:01:50,974 --> 00:01:53,675
I don't know, maybe, maybe
you had to see the first three
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00:01:53,743 --> 00:01:55,544
to get this,
but I-I am completely lost.
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Lois, you said
there would be
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other men my
own age here.
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But there aren't,
and I'm bored.
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00:02:00,016 --> 00:02:01,950
Look, Peter, why don't you
just grab a book
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00:02:02,018 --> 00:02:03,619
off the shelf and be quiet?
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00:02:03,686 --> 00:02:04,853
No! Books are jerks.
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Stop acting like a brat.
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What about a picture book?
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Only if it has a mirror
at the end of it,
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and it says, "How about you?"
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Oh, wow,
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look at these old photos
of you and Dad.
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This must be
around the time
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you guys were
first dating, huh?
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Oh dear, yes.
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00:02:25,541 --> 00:02:28,877
Ah, your father was
so handsome back then.
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00:02:28,945 --> 00:02:31,280
I remember the day we met.
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00:02:35,818 --> 00:02:40,322
It was one of those lovely,
warm summer days by the shore.
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00:02:40,390 --> 00:02:43,191
Perfect giant beach ball
weather.
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00:02:43,259 --> 00:02:46,228
Would you like another
John Barrymore and soda?
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00:02:46,296 --> 00:02:47,829
Ah, yes.
Thank you, Clarence.
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00:02:47,897 --> 00:02:49,231
How are things
in Terriblehood?
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00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:50,265
Terrible, sir.
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Good, good.
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Ah! You dumb bitch!
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My friend and I
held our breath,
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wondering which one of us
he was talking to.
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But the lucky one was me.
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00:03:02,312 --> 00:03:05,013
And from there,
our romance blossomed.
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00:03:06,849 --> 00:03:08,684
Boy, you can
take a punch,
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00:03:08,751 --> 00:03:10,919
but at the same time,
you cowered a little bit.
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00:03:10,987 --> 00:03:12,454
Now, that's a woman.
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00:03:13,923 --> 00:03:15,857
I love you, Pussycup.
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00:03:15,925 --> 00:03:17,626
I love you, too.
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00:03:17,694 --> 00:03:19,127
Now, let's kiss
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while the camera pans
over to the drapes.
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Good stuff happening
over here.
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All implied.
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It was the happiest time
of our lives.
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Unfortunately,
that was the year
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the great war with Alaska
broke out,
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00:03:35,511 --> 00:03:38,013
and even Carter's lofty
connections
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couldn't save him
from the draft.
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In one of the bloodiest battles
of the war,
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00:03:44,420 --> 00:03:46,488
Carter nearly lost his life
in the battle
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00:03:46,556 --> 00:03:49,758
with the infamous,
walrus-backed Nanookwaffe.
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00:03:52,962 --> 00:03:54,896
But through all of it,
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00:03:54,964 --> 00:03:56,865
Carter never forgot
to write to me daily
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00:03:56,933 --> 00:04:00,435
to send his love
along with a mix tape.
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00:04:00,503 --> 00:04:02,938
Babs, you want to spend
a mind-blowing afternoon?
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00:04:03,005 --> 00:04:04,873
Get stoned
and listen to this song.
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00:04:04,941 --> 00:04:09,745
♪ Jeepers, creepers,
where'd you get those peepers? ♪
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00:04:09,812 --> 00:04:13,548
But after some months,
the letters stopped coming,
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00:04:13,616 --> 00:04:17,085
and I was certain
he had perished.
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00:04:17,153 --> 00:04:21,089
So I took up with a young dandy
named Rodginald.
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00:04:21,157 --> 00:04:23,358
He would bring me
small chocolates
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00:04:23,426 --> 00:04:26,528
and sit in my front parlor
and pitch woo at me,
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taking my hand gently and
singing from bended knee
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the popular songs of his youth.
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♪ Marry me ♪
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♪ And I will buy you
chewing gum. ♪
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With no other suitors
to speak of,
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00:04:40,209 --> 00:04:42,811
I agreed that I would
marry him forthwith,
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00:04:42,879 --> 00:04:46,681
even though my heart
still belonged to Carter.
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00:04:48,985 --> 00:04:53,422
I believe Rodginald knew this,
and he even tried to strike me
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in the manner to which
I had become accustomed.
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But it wasn't the same.
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And then a miracle happened.
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00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:05,634
Babs!
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00:05:05,701 --> 00:05:07,569
Carter!
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00:05:18,915 --> 00:05:20,115
Oh!
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00:05:21,317 --> 00:05:23,618
Oh, Carter,
you're alive!
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I've missed you so.
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00:05:25,221 --> 00:05:27,789
Babs, be my wife!
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Oh, yes,
Carter, yes!
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Hey, that's my gal!
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Dear, sir,
I respectfully urge you
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to prepare yourself
for one devil of a skirmish!
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00:05:45,408 --> 00:05:47,609
Oh, I always
love hearing
that story, Mom.
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00:05:47,677 --> 00:05:50,512
I got a story about a fat guy
who's starving and bored.
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00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:52,080
Look, Peter, if
you're that hungry,
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go down to the dock
and find Daddy,
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and we'll get
dinner started.
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You're not gonna get
dinner started.
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She's gonna tell that sloppy
old Spanish maid to do it.
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And she will, but only
because she needs money
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00:06:01,491 --> 00:06:02,791
to pay for medicine
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00:06:02,859 --> 00:06:04,993
for her prematurely overweight
son Diabeto.
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00:06:05,061 --> 00:06:07,429
Mama, may I
have cookie?
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00:06:07,497 --> 00:06:10,065
No, Diabeto,
roll back to kitchen.
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Oh...!
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00:06:15,171 --> 00:06:16,204
Mr. Pewterschmidt!
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Mr. Pewterschmidt,
dinner's ready!
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Damn it, he can't hear me.
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Ah, that was excellent.
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00:06:41,063 --> 00:06:42,998
When I clenched it, you
took your fingers away.
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00:06:43,065 --> 00:06:44,733
You were right
to do that.
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00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:45,800
Oh, my God!
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00:06:46,903 --> 00:06:47,836
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
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00:06:47,904 --> 00:06:49,804
you're having an affair?! Ew!
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00:06:49,872 --> 00:06:51,506
No, no, this is my sister.
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00:06:51,574 --> 00:06:53,608
Ew!
No, no, no, I'm impotent.
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00:06:53,676 --> 00:06:56,244
Ew!
I mean, she looked at me
while I did it to myself.
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Ew!
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I mean, she's a man.
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Ew!
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00:07:00,383 --> 00:07:02,918
We need more Es and Ws
down here now!
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00:07:02,985 --> 00:07:03,952
We're trying!
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00:07:04,020 --> 00:07:05,420
We're running
out of letters!
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Just turn the Ms upside down
and send them down here!
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00:07:07,657 --> 00:07:09,090
You can't
just do that!
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00:07:09,158 --> 00:07:10,458
There's a lot of
paperwork before
you can...
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I don't care!
I'll take the heat!
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Just turn them over
and send them down!
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00:07:18,878 --> 00:07:20,979
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
you're having an affair?!
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Now, look, Griffin,
you better not breathe a word
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about what you saw here.
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00:07:24,650 --> 00:07:26,151
But how can you be
having an affair?
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00:07:26,219 --> 00:07:27,185
What about Babs?
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That's not your concern.
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You didn't see anything.
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Remember that
or I'll ruin you.
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Okay, okay, I promise.
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I'll be as quiet
as a church mouse.
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Hey, Billy, I was
gonna have a party
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at the rectory
this evening.
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00:07:37,964 --> 00:07:41,266
Do you like sacramental wine
and mouse Russell Crowe movies?
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Oh, boy, do I!
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00:07:43,002 --> 00:07:44,703
Hey, can my sister come?
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00:07:44,770 --> 00:07:46,171
No! She'd ruin it!
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00:07:49,375 --> 00:07:51,076
Now, remember,
you keep your mouth shut
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about what you saw.
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Yes, sir, Mr.
Pewterschmidt.
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Oh, there you are, boys.
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Sorry, sweetheart,
I lost track of time.
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Right, Peter?
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00:08:03,990 --> 00:08:06,124
I'm Peter.
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00:08:06,192 --> 00:08:07,192
Well, let's
eat, huh?
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00:08:07,260 --> 00:08:08,593
You must be
starving, Peter.
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00:08:08,661 --> 00:08:10,095
What am I,
on trial here?!
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00:08:10,162 --> 00:08:12,664
Uh, maybe you should just
eat something, Peter.
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00:08:12,732 --> 00:08:14,299
Go on, put some food
in your mouth.
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Y-Y-Yes, sir, I sure will,
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00:08:15,835 --> 00:08:17,969
Mr. Cooterschmidt...
Pewterschmidt! Oh, God!
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00:08:20,172 --> 00:08:21,973
Peter, are you
feeling all right?
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00:08:22,041 --> 00:08:23,275
Oh, he's fine.
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00:08:23,342 --> 00:08:25,710
You know how hungry a man
gets after a day at sea.
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He eats with porpoise.
199
00:08:26,812 --> 00:08:27,779
Ha-ha! Oop!
200
00:08:27,847 --> 00:08:29,347
Peter, for God's sake,
201
00:08:29,415 --> 00:08:31,216
you're always
an embarrassment
at the table.
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00:08:31,284 --> 00:08:33,218
You should've seen him
when we had dinner
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00:08:33,286 --> 00:08:34,686
with Paul McCartney's
ex-wife.
204
00:08:34,754 --> 00:08:37,122
He kept playing footsie
with her under the table.
205
00:08:42,328 --> 00:08:43,662
Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry!
206
00:08:47,333 --> 00:08:48,833
Um, hey, guys?
207
00:08:48,901 --> 00:08:50,936
Uh, I-I got
a problem.
208
00:08:51,003 --> 00:08:53,338
Um, you know how
Lois has that dad?
Yeah.
209
00:08:53,406 --> 00:08:55,640
Well, we were there
the other night for dinner,
210
00:08:55,708 --> 00:08:57,709
and I caught him cheating
with some bimbo.
211
00:08:57,777 --> 00:08:59,277
Oh, my God!
You're kidding!
212
00:08:59,345 --> 00:09:01,046
Anyway, he told me
not to tell anybody,
213
00:09:01,113 --> 00:09:03,582
but I'm having a real hard time
not telling Lois.
214
00:09:03,649 --> 00:09:05,050
How could you not?
215
00:09:05,117 --> 00:09:07,719
Peter, once entered into,
marriage is a sacred bond;
216
00:09:07,787 --> 00:09:11,189
an alliance blessed by God
and hallowed by the community.
217
00:09:11,257 --> 00:09:13,091
That's why I'll never opt for
the matrimonial condition.
218
00:09:13,159 --> 00:09:14,826
It wouldn't be fair to
the historical framework
219
00:09:14,894 --> 00:09:16,194
of the institution.
220
00:09:16,262 --> 00:09:18,763
But for those who do,
and then turn their back
221
00:09:18,831 --> 00:09:21,099
on its long-standing
convictions? Shame!
222
00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:23,535
This is unwelcome news,
Peter. Very unwelcome.
223
00:09:23,603 --> 00:09:25,837
Yeah, I know, but I
don't know what to do.
224
00:09:25,905 --> 00:09:27,439
It's really hard
keeping my mouth shut.
225
00:09:27,506 --> 00:09:28,740
Actually, you know
something, Peter,
226
00:09:28,808 --> 00:09:30,675
this, this could be
an opportunity for you.
227
00:09:30,743 --> 00:09:32,911
What do you mean?
Well, Lois's dad
is loaded.
228
00:09:32,979 --> 00:09:35,080
Y-You could probably get him
to pay through the nose
229
00:09:35,147 --> 00:09:36,581
to keep your mouth shut.
230
00:09:36,649 --> 00:09:38,650
Yeah, you could really
milk this thing, Peter.
231
00:09:38,718 --> 00:09:40,452
Huh, I never thought of it
like that.
232
00:09:40,519 --> 00:09:41,753
Wait a minute.
You're not serious.
233
00:09:41,821 --> 00:09:43,054
That's totally unethical.
234
00:09:43,122 --> 00:09:44,456
Yeah, Brian, no one
cares what you think.
235
00:09:44,523 --> 00:09:45,724
Peter, you could
make him your slave!
236
00:09:45,791 --> 00:09:47,892
Oh, man. He'd hate
that even more
237
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,361
than he hates sitcom
two-parters.
238
00:09:49,428 --> 00:09:50,895
Tootie, it's 8:29!
239
00:09:50,963 --> 00:09:53,365
Now either try that beer
or dump it down the sink! Wait!
240
00:09:53,432 --> 00:09:56,701
Oh! Now, I have to wait a whole
week to find out if she gave in
241
00:09:56,769 --> 00:09:58,103
to peer pressure
at that drinking party!
242
00:10:04,110 --> 00:10:06,478
Carter! Carter, wake up!
243
00:10:06,545 --> 00:10:08,613
It's o--
it's okay, Lois.
244
00:10:08,681 --> 00:10:09,881
Daddy's just taking
your temperature.
245
00:10:09,949 --> 00:10:11,349
Wh-What?
246
00:10:11,417 --> 00:10:12,450
Wh-What is it?
247
00:10:12,518 --> 00:10:14,219
I heard a noise
downstairs.
248
00:10:14,286 --> 00:10:16,388
I'll go
have a look.
249
00:10:16,455 --> 00:10:17,522
It's probably
just the wine.
250
00:10:17,590 --> 00:10:18,590
The wind, dear.
251
00:10:18,658 --> 00:10:19,991
Is that how you say that?
252
00:10:20,059 --> 00:10:21,459
I've only seen
that word written.
253
00:10:30,503 --> 00:10:32,237
Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
254
00:10:32,304 --> 00:10:34,673
Griffin! What the hell
are you doing in my house?!
255
00:10:34,740 --> 00:10:37,242
Well, I was getting ready
to watch a movie on your big TV,
256
00:10:37,309 --> 00:10:39,210
but first I thought I'd use
your hot bubbly toilet.
257
00:10:39,278 --> 00:10:40,478
That's not a toilet!
258
00:10:40,546 --> 00:10:42,013
Hey, when's it go
down, by the way?
259
00:10:42,081 --> 00:10:43,381
It's just doing a lot
of loop-de-loops.
260
00:10:43,449 --> 00:10:45,183
Get the hell out of there,
you son of a bitch!
261
00:10:45,251 --> 00:10:48,319
Oh, no, no. No, you don't get
to talk to me like that anymore.
262
00:10:48,387 --> 00:10:49,921
Not unless you want me to blab
263
00:10:49,989 --> 00:10:51,122
about what happened
on the yacht.
264
00:10:51,190 --> 00:10:53,692
What are you getting at,
Griffin?
265
00:10:53,759 --> 00:10:56,528
That's right, you're gonna start
doing a lot of stuff for me.
266
00:10:56,595 --> 00:10:57,495
Like what?
267
00:10:57,563 --> 00:10:58,596
Well, for starters,
268
00:10:58,664 --> 00:11:00,098
you got more than one limo?
Yeah.
269
00:11:00,166 --> 00:11:01,933
You and me are gonna
do a limo joust.
270
00:11:02,001 --> 00:11:03,802
What the hell is that?
271
00:11:05,871 --> 00:11:07,138
All right, you ready?
272
00:11:07,206 --> 00:11:08,440
I don't want to do this.
273
00:11:08,507 --> 00:11:10,308
Go!
274
00:11:26,025 --> 00:11:28,960
That went exactly
as I wanted it to go.
275
00:11:34,133 --> 00:11:35,633
All right here's
your Mike and Ikes
276
00:11:35,701 --> 00:11:37,102
with all the
Ikes taken out.
277
00:11:37,169 --> 00:11:39,104
I hope you were careful,
'cause I swear to God,
278
00:11:39,171 --> 00:11:41,539
if I find one Ike in there,
I'm going straight to Babs.
279
00:11:41,607 --> 00:11:42,707
It's fine,
I double-checked.
280
00:11:42,775 --> 00:11:44,809
Here's your Mikes.
What's next?
281
00:11:44,877 --> 00:11:46,344
Next, I want you
to fly to France
282
00:11:46,412 --> 00:11:48,046
and tell French people
that a good-looking,
283
00:11:48,114 --> 00:11:49,781
depressed guy
smoking a cigarette
284
00:11:49,849 --> 00:11:51,382
is not a movie.
285
00:11:53,319 --> 00:11:54,786
People of France,
286
00:11:54,854 --> 00:11:57,088
a good-looking, depressed guy
287
00:11:57,156 --> 00:11:58,723
smoking a cigarette
288
00:11:58,791 --> 00:12:00,525
is not a movie,
289
00:12:00,593 --> 00:12:03,394
and your sirens sound like
gay guys having a threesome.
290
00:12:12,138 --> 00:12:14,072
All right, you got my
catch phrases for me?
291
00:12:14,140 --> 00:12:17,108
I just want you to know
this was a huge pain in the ass.
292
00:12:17,176 --> 00:12:19,177
"Peter's new catch phrases,
by Carter Pewterschmidt."
293
00:12:19,245 --> 00:12:20,879
Title's all business.
I like that.
294
00:12:20,946 --> 00:12:22,747
Also, I've been under
the weather lately,
295
00:12:22,815 --> 00:12:24,649
so it may not be
my best work.
296
00:12:24,717 --> 00:12:26,217
"Shape up
or show me your balls."
297
00:12:26,285 --> 00:12:27,252
That's good.
298
00:12:27,319 --> 00:12:28,419
Really?
299
00:12:28,487 --> 00:12:29,687
How about this one?
300
00:12:29,755 --> 00:12:31,089
"In your face,
Nancy Grace."
301
00:12:31,157 --> 00:12:32,257
Oh, I love it.
302
00:12:32,324 --> 00:12:34,325
Oh, man, there are a lot
of good ones here.
303
00:12:34,393 --> 00:12:37,295
"Fire alarm?
I am the fire alarm.
304
00:12:37,363 --> 00:12:39,097
"Find your own
beach house, Crabby.
305
00:12:39,165 --> 00:12:40,999
Put that in your
office and frame it."
306
00:12:41,066 --> 00:12:42,367
The last one's
kind of lame.
307
00:12:42,434 --> 00:12:44,536
Did you get down to the one
at the bottom there?
308
00:12:44,603 --> 00:12:46,070
Which one?
309
00:12:46,138 --> 00:12:48,306
"On your mark,
get set, terrible."
No, this one here.
310
00:12:48,374 --> 00:12:50,608
"If you've got a problem,
take it up with my butt.
311
00:12:50,676 --> 00:12:52,710
He's the only one
that gives a crap."
312
00:12:52,778 --> 00:12:54,312
Oh, my God, that's it.
Yeah.
313
00:12:54,380 --> 00:12:55,747
That-that's the one.
I thought you'd like...
314
00:12:55,815 --> 00:12:56,981
You are amaz...
315
00:12:57,049 --> 00:12:57,949
Peter, dinner.
316
00:12:58,017 --> 00:12:59,584
Take it up with my butt,
317
00:12:59,652 --> 00:13:01,553
'cause he's the only one
who gives a crap.
318
00:13:01,620 --> 00:13:04,289
Wow, what a great sentence.
319
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,395
You know, Lois, I've
noticed Peter and Carter
320
00:13:10,462 --> 00:13:12,630
spending a lot of time
together lately.
321
00:13:12,698 --> 00:13:14,799
It's nice to see them
finally getting on.
322
00:13:14,867 --> 00:13:16,734
I know. Who would
have thought, huh?
323
00:13:16,802 --> 00:13:18,636
Boy, I can't wait
to get this home.
324
00:13:18,704 --> 00:13:21,105
You know, I keep not laughing
at The Big Bang Theory,
325
00:13:21,173 --> 00:13:23,741
and I figure it's got
to be the television, you know?
326
00:13:23,809 --> 00:13:27,445
TV this size-- forget it, it'll
have me laughing till I got
snots falling out of my nose.
327
00:13:27,513 --> 00:13:29,747
Carter, where are you
taking our television?
328
00:13:29,815 --> 00:13:31,216
I'm giving it
to Peter.
329
00:13:31,283 --> 00:13:32,884
What?! Why?
330
00:13:32,952 --> 00:13:34,986
Yeah, why, Carter?
331
00:13:35,054 --> 00:13:37,055
Because Peter is the best
332
00:13:37,122 --> 00:13:40,091
and he is awesome and he makes
better laser sounds than I do.
333
00:13:41,393 --> 00:13:42,894
Damn right.
You hear that, Lois?
334
00:13:42,962 --> 00:13:44,596
And he's not just saying that
335
00:13:44,663 --> 00:13:46,497
'cause I covered for him
about his affair.
336
00:13:46,565 --> 00:13:47,765
What?
337
00:13:47,833 --> 00:13:50,902
Carter, is this true?
338
00:13:50,970 --> 00:13:54,272
Yes, it's true.
339
00:13:54,340 --> 00:13:56,841
Oh... Oh, dear!
340
00:14:02,248 --> 00:14:04,549
Well, on your mark,
get set, terrible.
341
00:14:05,985 --> 00:14:08,219
No, no, but I-I understand
that this is bad.
342
00:14:13,864 --> 00:14:15,634
You stupid fat bastard!
343
00:14:15,699 --> 00:14:17,240
How could you tell her
I had an affair?!
344
00:14:17,408 --> 00:14:18,042
We had a deal!
345
00:14:18,084 --> 00:14:20,252
Look, I think you're blowing
this out of proportion, Carter.
346
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:21,587
She's divorcing me!
347
00:14:21,655 --> 00:14:23,122
Well, I don't blame her.
348
00:14:23,189 --> 00:14:25,291
Daddy, how could you
do this to Mom?
349
00:14:25,358 --> 00:14:26,825
You two were
perfect together.
350
00:14:26,893 --> 00:14:28,727
It was such a
close marriage.
351
00:14:28,795 --> 00:14:30,596
You know, maybe the two
of you splitting up
352
00:14:30,664 --> 00:14:31,964
is a blessing in disguise.
353
00:14:32,032 --> 00:14:33,599
I mean, there are obviously
some problems
354
00:14:33,667 --> 00:14:35,167
in your relationship.
355
00:14:35,235 --> 00:14:37,703
Who knows, maybe some time apart
could be just what you need.
356
00:14:37,771 --> 00:14:39,738
Yeah, plus think of all
the fun stuff you can do
357
00:14:39,806 --> 00:14:41,073
as a single guy.
358
00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:42,574
Like-like going to loud,
awful bars
359
00:14:42,642 --> 00:14:44,543
and not being able to heart
the mediocre-looking chick
360
00:14:44,611 --> 00:14:45,711
next to you say
something stupid.
361
00:14:45,779 --> 00:14:47,046
It's going to be awesome.
362
00:14:47,113 --> 00:14:48,714
I don't know how to do
anything like that.
363
00:14:48,782 --> 00:14:50,115
It's easy.
364
00:14:50,183 --> 00:14:52,084
I'll help you meet some
women, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
365
00:14:52,152 --> 00:14:54,320
Come on, it's been
50 years since I've
been on a date.
366
00:14:54,387 --> 00:14:56,255
Well, how'd you get that chick
on the boat, then?
367
00:14:56,323 --> 00:14:57,823
You know how
in that movie
368
00:14:57,891 --> 00:14:59,892
Liam Neeson gets his daughter back?
Yeah.
369
00:14:59,959 --> 00:15:02,361
Well, that was one of the girls
their dad didn't get back.
370
00:15:10,303 --> 00:15:11,537
What kind of
joint is this?
371
00:15:11,604 --> 00:15:12,738
Where's the
cigarette girl?
372
00:15:12,806 --> 00:15:14,473
Yeah, they don't
have those anymore.
373
00:15:14,541 --> 00:15:16,141
Peter, I don't know
about this.
374
00:15:16,209 --> 00:15:18,577
I have no idea what women
are like nowadays.
375
00:15:18,645 --> 00:15:20,212
Last time I was on
the dating scene,
376
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:21,714
Joe McCarthy was
on a rampage
377
00:15:21,781 --> 00:15:23,315
looking for anything red.
378
00:15:23,383 --> 00:15:25,217
Oh, back then I called
my penis Joe McCarthy.
379
00:15:25,285 --> 00:15:26,452
Look, relax, will ya?
380
00:15:26,519 --> 00:15:28,487
Here, I got these
off a Web site
381
00:15:28,555 --> 00:15:30,889
that tells you good things
to say when hot women walk by.
382
00:15:30,957 --> 00:15:32,391
Ooh, here comes a hot one.
383
00:15:32,459 --> 00:15:34,159
Say the first thing
on the list.
384
00:15:34,227 --> 00:15:36,562
Um, I-I love getting
trendy cupcakes
385
00:15:36,629 --> 00:15:38,430
in the middle of the
day for no reason.
386
00:15:38,498 --> 00:15:39,631
No way. So do I.
387
00:15:39,699 --> 00:15:40,833
Hi. I'm Paula.
388
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:42,167
Carter. How do you do.
389
00:15:42,235 --> 00:15:43,602
Hey, why don't you
and your friend
390
00:15:43,670 --> 00:15:45,170
come join us over
at our table.
391
00:15:45,238 --> 00:15:46,572
Peter Griffin.
How do you do.
392
00:15:48,575 --> 00:15:50,376
We would--
we would love to.
393
00:15:52,212 --> 00:15:54,713
Hey, girls, these are
my two new friends.
394
00:15:54,781 --> 00:15:56,415
Hello, ladies.
My name is Carter,
395
00:15:56,483 --> 00:15:58,751
and I require a tremendous
amount of calcium.
396
00:15:58,818 --> 00:15:59,952
Carter, come here.
397
00:16:00,019 --> 00:16:01,620
Sit next to me.
398
00:16:01,688 --> 00:16:02,821
Oh, this is--
this is fun.
399
00:16:02,889 --> 00:16:04,089
We're having fun.
400
00:16:04,157 --> 00:16:05,724
Hey, what do you say
we get some drinks.
401
00:16:05,792 --> 00:16:07,259
Hey, boy, boy,
402
00:16:07,327 --> 00:16:08,727
fetch me a John
Barrymore and soda
403
00:16:08,795 --> 00:16:10,195
and three Myrna Loys
for the women.
404
00:16:11,297 --> 00:16:12,464
Excuse me?
405
00:16:12,532 --> 00:16:14,633
What the hell is
your problem, you jerk?
406
00:16:14,701 --> 00:16:17,736
What? Does he belong
to somebody else?
407
00:16:17,804 --> 00:16:20,639
Come on, girls, let's ditch
this racist dick.
408
00:16:20,707 --> 00:16:22,408
What happened?
Did we get laid?
409
00:16:22,475 --> 00:16:24,510
You jackass. Those women
were coming on to you
410
00:16:24,577 --> 00:16:25,611
and you blew it.
411
00:16:25,678 --> 00:16:27,246
Now we got to go
to another club
412
00:16:27,313 --> 00:16:28,647
and start all over again.
413
00:16:28,715 --> 00:16:31,083
Peter, I don't want
to go to another club.
414
00:16:31,151 --> 00:16:33,318
I don't want women like that.
415
00:16:33,386 --> 00:16:35,954
I... I want Babs.
416
00:16:36,022 --> 00:16:37,356
Babs?
417
00:16:37,424 --> 00:16:39,024
You got a room full
of chicks like that
418
00:16:39,092 --> 00:16:40,325
and you're thinking
about Babs?
419
00:16:40,393 --> 00:16:42,027
She looks like someone
farted in a shoe.
420
00:16:42,095 --> 00:16:45,798
I had a moment of weakness, but
I-I know now that I was wrong.
421
00:16:45,865 --> 00:16:47,766
I need her, Peter.
422
00:16:47,834 --> 00:16:49,001
I love her.
423
00:16:49,068 --> 00:16:51,003
You-you got to help me
get her back.
424
00:16:51,070 --> 00:16:52,805
Well, it's probably
the right move anyway.
425
00:16:52,872 --> 00:16:54,540
Those girls seemed
kind of annoying.
426
00:16:54,607 --> 00:16:56,775
Look at them over there
taking a group picture together.
427
00:16:56,843 --> 00:16:58,277
I love you!
428
00:16:58,344 --> 00:16:59,445
I love you!
429
00:16:59,512 --> 00:17:01,079
We're all such good friend!
430
00:17:01,147 --> 00:17:03,749
You can tell by the way we're
pressing our faces together.
431
00:17:06,820 --> 00:17:09,488
And that's where
fat girls come from.
432
00:17:11,724 --> 00:17:13,759
All right, if I've learned
anything from romantic comedies
433
00:17:13,827 --> 00:17:16,528
it's that the ex-wife
always falls in love
with her husband again
434
00:17:16,596 --> 00:17:17,930
after he befriends
a little kid.
435
00:17:17,997 --> 00:17:19,064
Okay.
436
00:17:19,132 --> 00:17:21,200
And the kid needs
to be really cute.
437
00:17:21,267 --> 00:17:23,202
So I ordered
Jonathan Lipnicki.
438
00:17:23,269 --> 00:17:24,837
Ah, there's the cute
little guy now.
439
00:17:24,904 --> 00:17:26,438
Hang on.
440
00:17:27,607 --> 00:17:29,708
Oh, my God!
What happened to you!
441
00:17:29,776 --> 00:17:32,277
Oh! Oh! We-we got to
get you to the hospital!
442
00:17:32,345 --> 00:17:33,846
Aah! Aah! You're hideous!
443
00:17:33,913 --> 00:17:35,113
Who did this to you?!
444
00:17:35,181 --> 00:17:36,615
Oh, oh, where are my keys?
445
00:17:36,683 --> 00:17:38,217
Where's my keys?!
Where are my keys?!
446
00:17:38,284 --> 00:17:39,618
Peter, what about Babs?
447
00:17:39,686 --> 00:17:41,687
Forget about yourself
for a second, Carter.
448
00:17:41,754 --> 00:17:44,056
Look what has happened
to Jonathan Lipnicki.
449
00:17:44,123 --> 00:17:45,424
Oh, yeah.
450
00:17:45,492 --> 00:17:46,725
No, you're,
you're, you're right.
451
00:17:46,793 --> 00:17:48,160
You should probably
take care of that.
452
00:17:48,228 --> 00:17:49,962
I'll-I'll-I'll
be-- I'll be here.
453
00:17:52,098 --> 00:17:53,332
All right, look, Carter,
454
00:17:53,399 --> 00:17:54,666
I think this will
definitely work.
455
00:17:54,734 --> 00:17:56,168
Now as soon as she sees you,
456
00:17:56,236 --> 00:17:57,769
you've got to do
exactly what I...
457
00:17:57,837 --> 00:17:59,738
Hey, whose Duesenberg is that
parked in the driveway?
458
00:18:01,741 --> 00:18:05,711
There's only one man I know
who drives a Duesenberg.
459
00:18:05,778 --> 00:18:12,251
♪ And I will buy you
laudanum and rhubarb cakes ♪
460
00:18:12,318 --> 00:18:18,824
♪ To balance out your
fragile body's humours. ♪
461
00:18:18,892 --> 00:18:21,460
Oh, Babs, I don't
wish to overwhelm you
462
00:18:21,528 --> 00:18:23,762
with my passions,
but I must say this.
463
00:18:23,830 --> 00:18:25,264
I'm ever so content.
464
00:18:25,331 --> 00:18:28,000
Oh, I am too, Rodginald.
465
00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:30,002
Do you think
perhaps one day,
466
00:18:30,069 --> 00:18:32,971
if we should marry, that
I could sit beside you?
467
00:18:33,039 --> 00:18:35,374
Yes, I think
that would be fine.
468
00:18:35,441 --> 00:18:38,043
Get away from my wife,
you rascal!
469
00:18:38,111 --> 00:18:41,013
Oh, such language
in the presence of a lady.
470
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:44,082
If it's a row you want,
I will cleave you in twixt!
471
00:18:44,150 --> 00:18:46,852
Hang-hang on, Carter,
I think I know how to
take this guy down.
472
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:47,986
Penis.
473
00:18:49,856 --> 00:18:52,457
Carter, get out of here
this instant!
474
00:18:52,525 --> 00:18:54,560
I don't ever want
to see you again.
475
00:18:54,627 --> 00:18:56,628
Pussycup, please.
476
00:18:56,696 --> 00:18:59,398
Mrs. Pewterschmidt,
Carter has something
important to say to you.
477
00:18:59,465 --> 00:19:02,067
I'll set the mood.
478
00:19:02,135 --> 00:19:06,405
♪ B-B-Bird, bird, bird ♪
479
00:19:06,472 --> 00:19:08,340
♪ B-Bird's the word ♪
480
00:19:08,408 --> 00:19:11,743
♪ B-B-Bird, bird, bird ♪
481
00:19:11,811 --> 00:19:14,379
♪ B-Bird's the word ♪
482
00:19:14,447 --> 00:19:19,585
♪ Well, uh, don't you
know about the bird? ♪
483
00:19:19,652 --> 00:19:25,424
♪ Well, everybody knows
that the bird is the word. ♪
484
00:19:25,491 --> 00:19:28,093
Uh, Peter, I kind of want
to do this on my own.
485
00:19:28,161 --> 00:19:30,829
Babs, I need you.
486
00:19:30,897 --> 00:19:34,433
Cheating on you was the
worst mistake of my life.
487
00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:37,002
I kneel before you
a frightened soul
488
00:19:37,070 --> 00:19:38,303
and a broken man.
489
00:19:38,371 --> 00:19:40,539
A man who has nothing
without you.
490
00:19:40,607 --> 00:19:42,374
Give me one more chance,
491
00:19:42,442 --> 00:19:45,944
and I pledge to place above you
nothing-- not even myself--
492
00:19:46,012 --> 00:19:49,481
for all my time here,
and for time forever.
493
00:19:49,549 --> 00:19:52,351
Please, I beg you.
494
00:19:53,586 --> 00:19:57,389
Carter, what you did
was unforgivable.
495
00:19:57,457 --> 00:19:59,858
And as beautiful
as your words are,
496
00:19:59,926 --> 00:20:03,528
I... I just don't know
that they can fix what's done.
497
00:20:03,596 --> 00:20:06,231
I know I can't
do it overnight,
498
00:20:06,299 --> 00:20:08,567
but we can still have
a lot of years together.
499
00:20:08,635 --> 00:20:11,336
Please, just let me try.
500
00:20:11,404 --> 00:20:15,774
Carter, you had sex
with that woman.
501
00:20:15,842 --> 00:20:18,844
So, no, I can't trust you.
502
00:20:18,911 --> 00:20:22,781
But at my age, I'm certainly
not going to remarry either.
503
00:20:22,849 --> 00:20:26,118
So, if you'd like
to move back in
504
00:20:26,185 --> 00:20:29,721
and take things slowly
one step at a time,
505
00:20:29,789 --> 00:20:32,324
I suppose I can
give you the chance
506
00:20:32,392 --> 00:20:33,859
to earn my trust again.
507
00:20:33,926 --> 00:20:36,028
That sounds like a lot
of work. Go to hell!
508
00:20:36,095 --> 00:20:37,496
Carter, what-what-what-
what are we here for?
509
00:20:37,563 --> 00:20:38,597
What are we here for?
510
00:20:38,665 --> 00:20:39,831
All right, all right, fine.
511
00:20:39,899 --> 00:20:43,301
I'm... I'm...
I'm gonna try.
512
00:20:48,474 --> 00:20:50,142
Come here, you.
513
00:20:59,886 --> 00:21:02,521
Hey look, I found
a genie's lamp.
514
00:21:02,588 --> 00:21:04,289
Oh, no?
515
00:21:04,357 --> 00:21:05,924
Okay, maybe next week.
516
00:21:06,334 --> 00:21:10,354
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
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