1 00:00:01,511 --> 00:00:04,546 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,614 --> 00:00:07,849 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,917 --> 00:00:11,019 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,087 --> 00:00:14,089 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,156 --> 00:00:17,859 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,927 --> 00:00:20,962 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,030 --> 00:00:22,564 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,632 --> 00:00:23,932 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:27,102 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:27,169 --> 00:00:30,170 Family Guy 9x03 Welcome Back Carter Original Air Date on October 10, 2010 11 00:00:30,238 --> 00:00:32,739 -- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com -- 12 00:00:37,567 --> 00:00:39,635 Oh, Lois, I'm so glad you were able 13 00:00:39,702 --> 00:00:41,036 to make it to dinner tonight. 14 00:00:41,104 --> 00:00:42,771 Oh, me, too, Mom. 15 00:00:42,839 --> 00:00:43,972 We haven't seen you in ages. 16 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:45,207 Oh, there you are. 17 00:00:45,275 --> 00:00:47,109 Did you find the new bathroom okay? 18 00:00:47,177 --> 00:00:48,710 Uh-huh. 19 00:00:48,778 --> 00:00:51,280 I'm so sorry about your father keeping us. 20 00:00:51,347 --> 00:00:52,948 He's probably down at the dock 21 00:00:53,016 --> 00:00:54,783 tinkering with that darn yacht of his. 22 00:00:54,851 --> 00:00:56,185 Oh, that's okay, Mom. 23 00:00:56,252 --> 00:00:57,853 We'll just have to entertain ourselves for... 24 00:00:57,921 --> 00:00:59,321 Hey, Babs, settle something for us. 25 00:00:59,389 --> 00:01:01,823 I wanted to bring, um, an owl on this trip, 26 00:01:01,891 --> 00:01:03,192 but Lois wouldn't let me. 27 00:01:03,259 --> 00:01:04,927 Could you have accommodated an owl? 28 00:01:04,994 --> 00:01:06,962 Well, I suppose there's some room in the owlery, 29 00:01:07,030 --> 00:01:08,797 but I can't be certain. 30 00:01:08,865 --> 00:01:10,499 I'll take that as a yes. 31 00:01:10,567 --> 00:01:12,201 You owe Dr. Hoo an apology. 32 00:01:12,268 --> 00:01:13,735 Hey, can we change the channel? 33 00:01:13,803 --> 00:01:15,304 I'm tired of watching Old Ships. 34 00:01:15,371 --> 00:01:17,940 Peter, that's not a TV, it's a painting. 35 00:01:18,007 --> 00:01:19,441 Actually, Lois, it is a TV. 36 00:01:19,509 --> 00:01:22,077 It's the PBS show Old Ships. 37 00:01:22,145 --> 00:01:24,413 Good, I hate PBS. 38 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:27,115 This PBS program is brought to you by generous grants 39 00:01:27,183 --> 00:01:28,984 from the Arthur Vining Davis Foundations 40 00:01:29,052 --> 00:01:31,520 and the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation 41 00:01:31,588 --> 00:01:32,721 in association with 42 00:01:32,789 --> 00:01:34,323 the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, 43 00:01:34,390 --> 00:01:36,592 with additional funding by Archer Midland Whiteman 44 00:01:36,659 --> 00:01:38,627 Colgate Palmolive, Exxon Mobil, 45 00:01:38,695 --> 00:01:41,763 and a 20 I found in a blazer I wore to a wedding last year. 46 00:01:41,831 --> 00:01:45,167 Tonight, on Ken Burns' nine-part series on street signs: 47 00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:47,936 "Part Four: Yield." 48 00:01:48,004 --> 00:01:50,906 OLD MAN: Before they had the sign, people just run into each other. 49 00:01:50,974 --> 00:01:53,675 I don't know, maybe, maybe you had to see the first three 50 00:01:53,743 --> 00:01:55,544 to get this, but I-I am completely lost. 51 00:01:55,612 --> 00:01:56,878 Lois, you said there would be 52 00:01:56,946 --> 00:01:58,247 other men my own age here. 53 00:01:58,314 --> 00:01:59,948 But there aren't, and I'm bored. 54 00:02:00,016 --> 00:02:01,950 Look, Peter, why don't you just grab a book 55 00:02:02,018 --> 00:02:03,619 off the shelf and be quiet? 56 00:02:03,686 --> 00:02:04,853 No! Books are jerks. 57 00:02:04,921 --> 00:02:06,188 Stop acting like a brat. 58 00:02:06,256 --> 00:02:08,156 What about a picture book? 59 00:02:08,224 --> 00:02:10,826 Only if it has a mirror at the end of it, 60 00:02:10,893 --> 00:02:12,728 and it says, "How about you?" 61 00:02:16,432 --> 00:02:18,333 Oh, wow, 62 00:02:18,401 --> 00:02:20,802 look at these old photos of you and Dad. 63 00:02:20,870 --> 00:02:22,337 This must be around the time 64 00:02:22,405 --> 00:02:24,206 you guys were first dating, huh? 65 00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:25,474 Oh dear, yes. 66 00:02:25,541 --> 00:02:28,877 Ah, your father was so handsome back then. 67 00:02:28,945 --> 00:02:31,280 I remember the day we met. 68 00:02:35,818 --> 00:02:40,322 It was one of those lovely, warm summer days by the shore. 69 00:02:40,390 --> 00:02:43,191 Perfect giant beach ball weather. 70 00:02:43,259 --> 00:02:46,228 Would you like another John Barrymore and soda? 71 00:02:46,296 --> 00:02:47,829 Ah, yes. Thank you, Clarence. 72 00:02:47,897 --> 00:02:49,231 How are things in Terriblehood? 73 00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:50,265 Terrible, sir. 74 00:02:50,333 --> 00:02:51,233 Good, good. 75 00:02:52,302 --> 00:02:54,136 Ah! You dumb bitch! 76 00:02:54,203 --> 00:02:56,238 My friend and I held our breath, 77 00:02:56,306 --> 00:02:58,774 wondering which one of us he was talking to. 78 00:03:00,410 --> 00:03:02,244 But the lucky one was me. 79 00:03:02,312 --> 00:03:05,013 And from there, our romance blossomed. 80 00:03:06,849 --> 00:03:08,684 Boy, you can take a punch, 81 00:03:08,751 --> 00:03:10,919 but at the same time, you cowered a little bit. 82 00:03:10,987 --> 00:03:12,454 Now, that's a woman. 83 00:03:13,923 --> 00:03:15,857 I love you, Pussycup. 84 00:03:15,925 --> 00:03:17,626 I love you, too. 85 00:03:17,694 --> 00:03:19,127 Now, let's kiss 86 00:03:19,195 --> 00:03:21,196 while the camera pans over to the drapes. 87 00:03:23,966 --> 00:03:26,668 Good stuff happening over here. 88 00:03:26,736 --> 00:03:28,103 All implied. 89 00:03:28,171 --> 00:03:30,972 It was the happiest time of our lives. 90 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,141 Unfortunately, that was the year 91 00:03:33,209 --> 00:03:35,444 the great war with Alaska broke out, 92 00:03:35,511 --> 00:03:38,013 and even Carter's lofty connections 93 00:03:38,081 --> 00:03:40,115 couldn't save him from the draft. 94 00:03:41,617 --> 00:03:44,353 In one of the bloodiest battles of the war, 95 00:03:44,420 --> 00:03:46,488 Carter nearly lost his life in the battle 96 00:03:46,556 --> 00:03:49,758 with the infamous, walrus-backed Nanookwaffe. 97 00:03:52,962 --> 00:03:54,896 But through all of it, 98 00:03:54,964 --> 00:03:56,865 Carter never forgot to write to me daily 99 00:03:56,933 --> 00:04:00,435 to send his love along with a mix tape. 100 00:04:00,503 --> 00:04:02,938 Babs, you want to spend a mind-blowing afternoon? 101 00:04:03,005 --> 00:04:04,873 Get stoned and listen to this song. 102 00:04:04,941 --> 00:04:09,745 ♪ Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers? ♪ 103 00:04:09,812 --> 00:04:13,548 But after some months, the letters stopped coming, 104 00:04:13,616 --> 00:04:17,085 and I was certain he had perished. 105 00:04:17,153 --> 00:04:21,089 So I took up with a young dandy named Rodginald. 106 00:04:21,157 --> 00:04:23,358 He would bring me small chocolates 107 00:04:23,426 --> 00:04:26,528 and sit in my front parlor and pitch woo at me, 108 00:04:26,596 --> 00:04:29,798 taking my hand gently and singing from bended knee 109 00:04:29,866 --> 00:04:31,900 the popular songs of his youth. 110 00:04:31,968 --> 00:04:33,201 ♪ Marry me ♪ 111 00:04:33,269 --> 00:04:38,006 ♪ And I will buy you chewing gum. ♪ 112 00:04:38,074 --> 00:04:40,142 With no other suitors to speak of, 113 00:04:40,209 --> 00:04:42,811 I agreed that I would marry him forthwith, 114 00:04:42,879 --> 00:04:46,681 even though my heart still belonged to Carter. 115 00:04:48,985 --> 00:04:53,422 I believe Rodginald knew this, and he even tried to strike me 116 00:04:53,489 --> 00:04:55,557 in the manner to which I had become accustomed. 117 00:04:56,659 --> 00:04:58,059 But it wasn't the same. 118 00:04:58,127 --> 00:05:00,495 And then a miracle happened. 119 00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:05,634 Babs! 120 00:05:05,701 --> 00:05:07,569 Carter! 121 00:05:18,915 --> 00:05:20,115 Oh! 122 00:05:21,317 --> 00:05:23,618 Oh, Carter, you're alive! 123 00:05:23,686 --> 00:05:25,153 I've missed you so. 124 00:05:25,221 --> 00:05:27,789 Babs, be my wife! 125 00:05:27,857 --> 00:05:30,892 Oh, yes, Carter, yes! 126 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,762 Hey, that's my gal! 127 00:05:33,830 --> 00:05:36,198 Dear, sir, I respectfully urge you 128 00:05:36,265 --> 00:05:38,567 to prepare yourself for one devil of a skirmish! 129 00:05:45,408 --> 00:05:47,609 Oh, I always love hearing that story, Mom. 130 00:05:47,677 --> 00:05:50,512 I got a story about a fat guy who's starving and bored. 131 00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:52,080 Look, Peter, if you're that hungry, 132 00:05:52,148 --> 00:05:53,949 go down to the dock and find Daddy, 133 00:05:54,016 --> 00:05:55,183 and we'll get dinner started. 134 00:05:55,251 --> 00:05:56,818 You're not gonna get dinner started. 135 00:05:56,886 --> 00:05:59,488 She's gonna tell that sloppy old Spanish maid to do it. 136 00:05:59,555 --> 00:06:01,423 And she will, but only because she needs money 137 00:06:01,491 --> 00:06:02,791 to pay for medicine 138 00:06:02,859 --> 00:06:04,993 for her prematurely overweight son Diabeto. 139 00:06:05,061 --> 00:06:07,429 Mama, may I have cookie? 140 00:06:07,497 --> 00:06:10,065 No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen. 141 00:06:10,132 --> 00:06:12,267 Oh...! 142 00:06:15,171 --> 00:06:16,204 Mr. Pewterschmidt! 143 00:06:16,272 --> 00:06:19,007 Mr. Pewterschmidt, dinner's ready! 144 00:06:21,344 --> 00:06:23,078 Damn it, he can't hear me. 145 00:06:39,395 --> 00:06:40,996 Ah, that was excellent. 146 00:06:41,063 --> 00:06:42,998 When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. 147 00:06:43,065 --> 00:06:44,733 You were right to do that. 148 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:45,800 Oh, my God! 149 00:06:46,903 --> 00:06:47,836 Mr. Pewterschmidt, 150 00:06:47,904 --> 00:06:49,804 you're having an affair?! Ew! 151 00:06:49,872 --> 00:06:51,506 No, no, this is my sister. 152 00:06:51,574 --> 00:06:53,608 Ew! No, no, no, I'm impotent. 153 00:06:53,676 --> 00:06:56,244 Ew! I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself. 154 00:06:56,312 --> 00:06:57,245 Ew! 155 00:06:57,313 --> 00:06:58,246 I mean, she's a man. 156 00:06:58,314 --> 00:07:00,315 Ew! 157 00:07:00,383 --> 00:07:02,918 We need more Es and Ws down here now! 158 00:07:02,985 --> 00:07:03,952 We're trying! 159 00:07:04,020 --> 00:07:05,420 We're running out of letters! 160 00:07:05,488 --> 00:07:07,589 Just turn the Ms upside down and send them down here! 161 00:07:07,657 --> 00:07:09,090 You can't just do that! 162 00:07:09,158 --> 00:07:10,458 There's a lot of paperwork before you can... 163 00:07:10,526 --> 00:07:11,893 I don't care! I'll take the heat! 164 00:07:11,961 --> 00:07:13,194 Just turn them over and send them down! 165 00:07:18,878 --> 00:07:20,979 Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair?! 166 00:07:21,047 --> 00:07:23,014 Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word 167 00:07:23,082 --> 00:07:24,583 about what you saw here. 168 00:07:24,650 --> 00:07:26,151 But how can you be having an affair? 169 00:07:26,219 --> 00:07:27,185 What about Babs? 170 00:07:27,253 --> 00:07:28,353 That's not your concern. 171 00:07:28,421 --> 00:07:29,888 You didn't see anything. 172 00:07:29,956 --> 00:07:31,723 Remember that or I'll ruin you. 173 00:07:31,791 --> 00:07:32,891 Okay, okay, I promise. 174 00:07:32,959 --> 00:07:34,593 I'll be as quiet as a church mouse. 175 00:07:34,660 --> 00:07:36,428 Hey, Billy, I was gonna have a party 176 00:07:36,496 --> 00:07:37,896 at the rectory this evening. 177 00:07:37,964 --> 00:07:41,266 Do you like sacramental wine and mouse Russell Crowe movies? 178 00:07:41,334 --> 00:07:42,934 Oh, boy, do I! 179 00:07:43,002 --> 00:07:44,703 Hey, can my sister come? 180 00:07:44,770 --> 00:07:46,171 No! She'd ruin it! 181 00:07:49,375 --> 00:07:51,076 Now, remember, you keep your mouth shut 182 00:07:51,143 --> 00:07:52,310 about what you saw. 183 00:07:52,378 --> 00:07:53,845 Yes, sir, Mr. Pewterschmidt. 184 00:07:55,147 --> 00:07:57,949 Oh, there you are, boys. 185 00:07:58,017 --> 00:07:59,618 Sorry, sweetheart, I lost track of time. 186 00:07:59,685 --> 00:08:00,952 Right, Peter? 187 00:08:03,990 --> 00:08:06,124 I'm Peter. 188 00:08:06,192 --> 00:08:07,192 Well, let's eat, huh? 189 00:08:07,260 --> 00:08:08,593 You must be starving, Peter. 190 00:08:08,661 --> 00:08:10,095 What am I, on trial here?! 191 00:08:10,162 --> 00:08:12,664 Uh, maybe you should just eat something, Peter. 192 00:08:12,732 --> 00:08:14,299 Go on, put some food in your mouth. 193 00:08:14,367 --> 00:08:15,767 Y-Y-Yes, sir, I sure will, 194 00:08:15,835 --> 00:08:17,969 Mr. Cooterschmidt... Pewterschmidt! Oh, God! 195 00:08:20,172 --> 00:08:21,973 Peter, are you feeling all right? 196 00:08:22,041 --> 00:08:23,275 Oh, he's fine. 197 00:08:23,342 --> 00:08:25,710 You know how hungry a man gets after a day at sea. 198 00:08:25,778 --> 00:08:26,745 He eats with porpoise. 199 00:08:26,812 --> 00:08:27,779 Ha-ha! Oop! 200 00:08:27,847 --> 00:08:29,347 Peter, for God's sake, 201 00:08:29,415 --> 00:08:31,216 you're always an embarrassment at the table. 202 00:08:31,284 --> 00:08:33,218 You should've seen him when we had dinner 203 00:08:33,286 --> 00:08:34,686 with Paul McCartney's ex-wife. 204 00:08:34,754 --> 00:08:37,122 He kept playing footsie with her under the table. 205 00:08:42,328 --> 00:08:43,662 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! 206 00:08:47,333 --> 00:08:48,833 Um, hey, guys? 207 00:08:48,901 --> 00:08:50,936 Uh, I-I got a problem. 208 00:08:51,003 --> 00:08:53,338 Um, you know how Lois has that dad? Yeah. 209 00:08:53,406 --> 00:08:55,640 Well, we were there the other night for dinner, 210 00:08:55,708 --> 00:08:57,709 and I caught him cheating with some bimbo. 211 00:08:57,777 --> 00:08:59,277 Oh, my God! You're kidding! 212 00:08:59,345 --> 00:09:01,046 Anyway, he told me not to tell anybody, 213 00:09:01,113 --> 00:09:03,582 but I'm having a real hard time not telling Lois. 214 00:09:03,649 --> 00:09:05,050 How could you not? 215 00:09:05,117 --> 00:09:07,719 Peter, once entered into, marriage is a sacred bond; 216 00:09:07,787 --> 00:09:11,189 an alliance blessed by God and hallowed by the community. 217 00:09:11,257 --> 00:09:13,091 That's why I'll never opt for the matrimonial condition. 218 00:09:13,159 --> 00:09:14,826 It wouldn't be fair to the historical framework 219 00:09:14,894 --> 00:09:16,194 of the institution. 220 00:09:16,262 --> 00:09:18,763 But for those who do, and then turn their back 221 00:09:18,831 --> 00:09:21,099 on its long-standing convictions? Shame! 222 00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:23,535 This is unwelcome news, Peter. Very unwelcome. 223 00:09:23,603 --> 00:09:25,837 Yeah, I know, but I don't know what to do. 224 00:09:25,905 --> 00:09:27,439 It's really hard keeping my mouth shut. 225 00:09:27,506 --> 00:09:28,740 Actually, you know something, Peter, 226 00:09:28,808 --> 00:09:30,675 this, this could be an opportunity for you. 227 00:09:30,743 --> 00:09:32,911 What do you mean? Well, Lois's dad is loaded. 228 00:09:32,979 --> 00:09:35,080 Y-You could probably get him to pay through the nose 229 00:09:35,147 --> 00:09:36,581 to keep your mouth shut. 230 00:09:36,649 --> 00:09:38,650 Yeah, you could really milk this thing, Peter. 231 00:09:38,718 --> 00:09:40,452 Huh, I never thought of it like that. 232 00:09:40,519 --> 00:09:41,753 Wait a minute. You're not serious. 233 00:09:41,821 --> 00:09:43,054 That's totally unethical. 234 00:09:43,122 --> 00:09:44,456 Yeah, Brian, no one cares what you think. 235 00:09:44,523 --> 00:09:45,724 Peter, you could make him your slave! 236 00:09:45,791 --> 00:09:47,892 Oh, man. He'd hate that even more 237 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,361 than he hates sitcom two-parters. 238 00:09:49,428 --> 00:09:50,895 Tootie, it's 8:29! 239 00:09:50,963 --> 00:09:53,365 Now either try that beer or dump it down the sink! Wait! 240 00:09:53,432 --> 00:09:56,701 Oh! Now, I have to wait a whole week to find out if she gave in 241 00:09:56,769 --> 00:09:58,103 to peer pressure at that drinking party! 242 00:10:04,110 --> 00:10:06,478 Carter! Carter, wake up! 243 00:10:06,545 --> 00:10:08,613 It's o-- it's okay, Lois. 244 00:10:08,681 --> 00:10:09,881 Daddy's just taking your temperature. 245 00:10:09,949 --> 00:10:11,349 Wh-What? 246 00:10:11,417 --> 00:10:12,450 Wh-What is it? 247 00:10:12,518 --> 00:10:14,219 I heard a noise downstairs. 248 00:10:14,286 --> 00:10:16,388 I'll go have a look. 249 00:10:16,455 --> 00:10:17,522 It's probably just the wine. 250 00:10:17,590 --> 00:10:18,590 The wind, dear. 251 00:10:18,658 --> 00:10:19,991 Is that how you say that? 252 00:10:20,059 --> 00:10:21,459 I've only seen that word written. 253 00:10:30,503 --> 00:10:32,237 Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. 254 00:10:32,304 --> 00:10:34,673 Griffin! What the hell are you doing in my house?! 255 00:10:34,740 --> 00:10:37,242 Well, I was getting ready to watch a movie on your big TV, 256 00:10:37,309 --> 00:10:39,210 but first I thought I'd use your hot bubbly toilet. 257 00:10:39,278 --> 00:10:40,478 That's not a toilet! 258 00:10:40,546 --> 00:10:42,013 Hey, when's it go down, by the way? 259 00:10:42,081 --> 00:10:43,381 It's just doing a lot of loop-de-loops. 260 00:10:43,449 --> 00:10:45,183 Get the hell out of there, you son of a bitch! 261 00:10:45,251 --> 00:10:48,319 Oh, no, no. No, you don't get to talk to me like that anymore. 262 00:10:48,387 --> 00:10:49,921 Not unless you want me to blab 263 00:10:49,989 --> 00:10:51,122 about what happened on the yacht. 264 00:10:51,190 --> 00:10:53,692 What are you getting at, Griffin? 265 00:10:53,759 --> 00:10:56,528 That's right, you're gonna start doing a lot of stuff for me. 266 00:10:56,595 --> 00:10:57,495 Like what? 267 00:10:57,563 --> 00:10:58,596 Well, for starters, 268 00:10:58,664 --> 00:11:00,098 you got more than one limo? Yeah. 269 00:11:00,166 --> 00:11:01,933 You and me are gonna do a limo joust. 270 00:11:02,001 --> 00:11:03,802 What the hell is that? 271 00:11:05,871 --> 00:11:07,138 All right, you ready? 272 00:11:07,206 --> 00:11:08,440 I don't want to do this. 273 00:11:08,507 --> 00:11:10,308 Go! 274 00:11:26,025 --> 00:11:28,960 That went exactly as I wanted it to go. 275 00:11:34,133 --> 00:11:35,633 All right here's your Mike and Ikes 276 00:11:35,701 --> 00:11:37,102 with all the Ikes taken out. 277 00:11:37,169 --> 00:11:39,104 I hope you were careful, 'cause I swear to God, 278 00:11:39,171 --> 00:11:41,539 if I find one Ike in there, I'm going straight to Babs. 279 00:11:41,607 --> 00:11:42,707 It's fine, I double-checked. 280 00:11:42,775 --> 00:11:44,809 Here's your Mikes. What's next? 281 00:11:44,877 --> 00:11:46,344 Next, I want you to fly to France 282 00:11:46,412 --> 00:11:48,046 and tell French people that a good-looking, 283 00:11:48,114 --> 00:11:49,781 depressed guy smoking a cigarette 284 00:11:49,849 --> 00:11:51,382 is not a movie. 285 00:11:53,319 --> 00:11:54,786 People of France, 286 00:11:54,854 --> 00:11:57,088 a good-looking, depressed guy 287 00:11:57,156 --> 00:11:58,723 smoking a cigarette 288 00:11:58,791 --> 00:12:00,525 is not a movie, 289 00:12:00,593 --> 00:12:03,394 and your sirens sound like gay guys having a threesome. 290 00:12:12,138 --> 00:12:14,072 All right, you got my catch phrases for me? 291 00:12:14,140 --> 00:12:17,108 I just want you to know this was a huge pain in the ass. 292 00:12:17,176 --> 00:12:19,177 "Peter's new catch phrases, by Carter Pewterschmidt." 293 00:12:19,245 --> 00:12:20,879 Title's all business. I like that. 294 00:12:20,946 --> 00:12:22,747 Also, I've been under the weather lately, 295 00:12:22,815 --> 00:12:24,649 so it may not be my best work. 296 00:12:24,717 --> 00:12:26,217 "Shape up or show me your balls." 297 00:12:26,285 --> 00:12:27,252 That's good. 298 00:12:27,319 --> 00:12:28,419 Really? 299 00:12:28,487 --> 00:12:29,687 How about this one? 300 00:12:29,755 --> 00:12:31,089 "In your face, Nancy Grace." 301 00:12:31,157 --> 00:12:32,257 Oh, I love it. 302 00:12:32,324 --> 00:12:34,325 Oh, man, there are a lot of good ones here. 303 00:12:34,393 --> 00:12:37,295 "Fire alarm? I am the fire alarm. 304 00:12:37,363 --> 00:12:39,097 "Find your own beach house, Crabby. 305 00:12:39,165 --> 00:12:40,999 Put that in your office and frame it." 306 00:12:41,066 --> 00:12:42,367 The last one's kind of lame. 307 00:12:42,434 --> 00:12:44,536 Did you get down to the one at the bottom there? 308 00:12:44,603 --> 00:12:46,070 Which one? 309 00:12:46,138 --> 00:12:48,306 "On your mark, get set, terrible." No, this one here. 310 00:12:48,374 --> 00:12:50,608 "If you've got a problem, take it up with my butt. 311 00:12:50,676 --> 00:12:52,710 He's the only one that gives a crap." 312 00:12:52,778 --> 00:12:54,312 Oh, my God, that's it. Yeah. 313 00:12:54,380 --> 00:12:55,747 That-that's the one. I thought you'd like... 314 00:12:55,815 --> 00:12:56,981 You are amaz... 315 00:12:57,049 --> 00:12:57,949 Peter, dinner. 316 00:12:58,017 --> 00:12:59,584 Take it up with my butt, 317 00:12:59,652 --> 00:13:01,553 'cause he's the only one who gives a crap. 318 00:13:01,620 --> 00:13:04,289 Wow, what a great sentence. 319 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,395 You know, Lois, I've noticed Peter and Carter 320 00:13:10,462 --> 00:13:12,630 spending a lot of time together lately. 321 00:13:12,698 --> 00:13:14,799 It's nice to see them finally getting on. 322 00:13:14,867 --> 00:13:16,734 I know. Who would have thought, huh? 323 00:13:16,802 --> 00:13:18,636 Boy, I can't wait to get this home. 324 00:13:18,704 --> 00:13:21,105 You know, I keep not laughing at The Big Bang Theory, 325 00:13:21,173 --> 00:13:23,741 and I figure it's got to be the television, you know? 326 00:13:23,809 --> 00:13:27,445 TV this size-- forget it, it'll have me laughing till I got snots falling out of my nose. 327 00:13:27,513 --> 00:13:29,747 Carter, where are you taking our television? 328 00:13:29,815 --> 00:13:31,216 I'm giving it to Peter. 329 00:13:31,283 --> 00:13:32,884 What?! Why? 330 00:13:32,952 --> 00:13:34,986 Yeah, why, Carter? 331 00:13:35,054 --> 00:13:37,055 Because Peter is the best 332 00:13:37,122 --> 00:13:40,091 and he is awesome and he makes better laser sounds than I do. 333 00:13:41,393 --> 00:13:42,894 Damn right. You hear that, Lois? 334 00:13:42,962 --> 00:13:44,596 And he's not just saying that 335 00:13:44,663 --> 00:13:46,497 'cause I covered for him about his affair. 336 00:13:46,565 --> 00:13:47,765 What? 337 00:13:47,833 --> 00:13:50,902 Carter, is this true? 338 00:13:50,970 --> 00:13:54,272 Yes, it's true. 339 00:13:54,340 --> 00:13:56,841 Oh... Oh, dear! 340 00:14:02,248 --> 00:14:04,549 Well, on your mark, get set, terrible. 341 00:14:05,985 --> 00:14:08,219 No, no, but I-I understand that this is bad. 342 00:14:13,864 --> 00:14:15,634 You stupid fat bastard! 343 00:14:15,699 --> 00:14:17,240 How could you tell her I had an affair?! 344 00:14:17,408 --> 00:14:18,042 We had a deal! 345 00:14:18,084 --> 00:14:20,252 Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. 346 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:21,587 She's divorcing me! 347 00:14:21,655 --> 00:14:23,122 Well, I don't blame her. 348 00:14:23,189 --> 00:14:25,291 Daddy, how could you do this to Mom? 349 00:14:25,358 --> 00:14:26,825 You two were perfect together. 350 00:14:26,893 --> 00:14:28,727 It was such a close marriage. 351 00:14:28,795 --> 00:14:30,596 You know, maybe the two of you splitting up 352 00:14:30,664 --> 00:14:31,964 is a blessing in disguise. 353 00:14:32,032 --> 00:14:33,599 I mean, there are obviously some problems 354 00:14:33,667 --> 00:14:35,167 in your relationship. 355 00:14:35,235 --> 00:14:37,703 Who knows, maybe some time apart could be just what you need. 356 00:14:37,771 --> 00:14:39,738 Yeah, plus think of all the fun stuff you can do 357 00:14:39,806 --> 00:14:41,073 as a single guy. 358 00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:42,574 Like-like going to loud, awful bars 359 00:14:42,642 --> 00:14:44,543 and not being able to heart the mediocre-looking chick 360 00:14:44,611 --> 00:14:45,711 next to you say something stupid. 361 00:14:45,779 --> 00:14:47,046 It's going to be awesome. 362 00:14:47,113 --> 00:14:48,714 I don't know how to do anything like that. 363 00:14:48,782 --> 00:14:50,115 It's easy. 364 00:14:50,183 --> 00:14:52,084 I'll help you meet some women, Mr. Pewterschmidt. 365 00:14:52,152 --> 00:14:54,320 Come on, it's been 50 years since I've been on a date. 366 00:14:54,387 --> 00:14:56,255 Well, how'd you get that chick on the boat, then? 367 00:14:56,323 --> 00:14:57,823 You know how in that movie 368 00:14:57,891 --> 00:14:59,892 Liam Neeson gets his daughter back? Yeah. 369 00:14:59,959 --> 00:15:02,361 Well, that was one of the girls their dad didn't get back. 370 00:15:10,303 --> 00:15:11,537 What kind of joint is this? 371 00:15:11,604 --> 00:15:12,738 Where's the cigarette girl? 372 00:15:12,806 --> 00:15:14,473 Yeah, they don't have those anymore. 373 00:15:14,541 --> 00:15:16,141 Peter, I don't know about this. 374 00:15:16,209 --> 00:15:18,577 I have no idea what women are like nowadays. 375 00:15:18,645 --> 00:15:20,212 Last time I was on the dating scene, 376 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:21,714 Joe McCarthy was on a rampage 377 00:15:21,781 --> 00:15:23,315 looking for anything red. 378 00:15:23,383 --> 00:15:25,217 Oh, back then I called my penis Joe McCarthy. 379 00:15:25,285 --> 00:15:26,452 Look, relax, will ya? 380 00:15:26,519 --> 00:15:28,487 Here, I got these off a Web site 381 00:15:28,555 --> 00:15:30,889 that tells you good things to say when hot women walk by. 382 00:15:30,957 --> 00:15:32,391 Ooh, here comes a hot one. 383 00:15:32,459 --> 00:15:34,159 Say the first thing on the list. 384 00:15:34,227 --> 00:15:36,562 Um, I-I love getting trendy cupcakes 385 00:15:36,629 --> 00:15:38,430 in the middle of the day for no reason. 386 00:15:38,498 --> 00:15:39,631 No way. So do I. 387 00:15:39,699 --> 00:15:40,833 Hi. I'm Paula. 388 00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:42,167 Carter. How do you do. 389 00:15:42,235 --> 00:15:43,602 Hey, why don't you and your friend 390 00:15:43,670 --> 00:15:45,170 come join us over at our table. 391 00:15:45,238 --> 00:15:46,572 Peter Griffin. How do you do. 392 00:15:48,575 --> 00:15:50,376 We would-- we would love to. 393 00:15:52,212 --> 00:15:54,713 Hey, girls, these are my two new friends. 394 00:15:54,781 --> 00:15:56,415 Hello, ladies. My name is Carter, 395 00:15:56,483 --> 00:15:58,751 and I require a tremendous amount of calcium. 396 00:15:58,818 --> 00:15:59,952 Carter, come here. 397 00:16:00,019 --> 00:16:01,620 Sit next to me. 398 00:16:01,688 --> 00:16:02,821 Oh, this is-- this is fun. 399 00:16:02,889 --> 00:16:04,089 We're having fun. 400 00:16:04,157 --> 00:16:05,724 Hey, what do you say we get some drinks. 401 00:16:05,792 --> 00:16:07,259 Hey, boy, boy, 402 00:16:07,327 --> 00:16:08,727 fetch me a John Barrymore and soda 403 00:16:08,795 --> 00:16:10,195 and three Myrna Loys for the women. 404 00:16:11,297 --> 00:16:12,464 Excuse me? 405 00:16:12,532 --> 00:16:14,633 What the hell is your problem, you jerk? 406 00:16:14,701 --> 00:16:17,736 What? Does he belong to somebody else? 407 00:16:17,804 --> 00:16:20,639 Come on, girls, let's ditch this racist dick. 408 00:16:20,707 --> 00:16:22,408 What happened? Did we get laid? 409 00:16:22,475 --> 00:16:24,510 You jackass. Those women were coming on to you 410 00:16:24,577 --> 00:16:25,611 and you blew it. 411 00:16:25,678 --> 00:16:27,246 Now we got to go to another club 412 00:16:27,313 --> 00:16:28,647 and start all over again. 413 00:16:28,715 --> 00:16:31,083 Peter, I don't want to go to another club. 414 00:16:31,151 --> 00:16:33,318 I don't want women like that. 415 00:16:33,386 --> 00:16:35,954 I... I want Babs. 416 00:16:36,022 --> 00:16:37,356 Babs? 417 00:16:37,424 --> 00:16:39,024 You got a room full of chicks like that 418 00:16:39,092 --> 00:16:40,325 and you're thinking about Babs? 419 00:16:40,393 --> 00:16:42,027 She looks like someone farted in a shoe. 420 00:16:42,095 --> 00:16:45,798 I had a moment of weakness, but I-I know now that I was wrong. 421 00:16:45,865 --> 00:16:47,766 I need her, Peter. 422 00:16:47,834 --> 00:16:49,001 I love her. 423 00:16:49,068 --> 00:16:51,003 You-you got to help me get her back. 424 00:16:51,070 --> 00:16:52,805 Well, it's probably the right move anyway. 425 00:16:52,872 --> 00:16:54,540 Those girls seemed kind of annoying. 426 00:16:54,607 --> 00:16:56,775 Look at them over there taking a group picture together. 427 00:16:56,843 --> 00:16:58,277 I love you! 428 00:16:58,344 --> 00:16:59,445 I love you! 429 00:16:59,512 --> 00:17:01,079 We're all such good friend! 430 00:17:01,147 --> 00:17:03,749 You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together. 431 00:17:06,820 --> 00:17:09,488 And that's where fat girls come from. 432 00:17:11,724 --> 00:17:13,759 All right, if I've learned anything from romantic comedies 433 00:17:13,827 --> 00:17:16,528 it's that the ex-wife always falls in love with her husband again 434 00:17:16,596 --> 00:17:17,930 after he befriends a little kid. 435 00:17:17,997 --> 00:17:19,064 Okay. 436 00:17:19,132 --> 00:17:21,200 And the kid needs to be really cute. 437 00:17:21,267 --> 00:17:23,202 So I ordered Jonathan Lipnicki. 438 00:17:23,269 --> 00:17:24,837 Ah, there's the cute little guy now. 439 00:17:24,904 --> 00:17:26,438 Hang on. 440 00:17:27,607 --> 00:17:29,708 Oh, my God! What happened to you! 441 00:17:29,776 --> 00:17:32,277 Oh! Oh! We-we got to get you to the hospital! 442 00:17:32,345 --> 00:17:33,846 Aah! Aah! You're hideous! 443 00:17:33,913 --> 00:17:35,113 Who did this to you?! 444 00:17:35,181 --> 00:17:36,615 Oh, oh, where are my keys? 445 00:17:36,683 --> 00:17:38,217 Where's my keys?! Where are my keys?! 446 00:17:38,284 --> 00:17:39,618 Peter, what about Babs? 447 00:17:39,686 --> 00:17:41,687 Forget about yourself for a second, Carter. 448 00:17:41,754 --> 00:17:44,056 Look what has happened to Jonathan Lipnicki. 449 00:17:44,123 --> 00:17:45,424 Oh, yeah. 450 00:17:45,492 --> 00:17:46,725 No, you're, you're, you're right. 451 00:17:46,793 --> 00:17:48,160 You should probably take care of that. 452 00:17:48,228 --> 00:17:49,962 I'll-I'll-I'll be-- I'll be here. 453 00:17:52,098 --> 00:17:53,332 All right, look, Carter, 454 00:17:53,399 --> 00:17:54,666 I think this will definitely work. 455 00:17:54,734 --> 00:17:56,168 Now as soon as she sees you, 456 00:17:56,236 --> 00:17:57,769 you've got to do exactly what I... 457 00:17:57,837 --> 00:17:59,738 Hey, whose Duesenberg is that parked in the driveway? 458 00:18:01,741 --> 00:18:05,711 There's only one man I know who drives a Duesenberg. 459 00:18:05,778 --> 00:18:12,251 ♪ And I will buy you laudanum and rhubarb cakes ♪ 460 00:18:12,318 --> 00:18:18,824 ♪ To balance out your fragile body's humours. ♪ 461 00:18:18,892 --> 00:18:21,460 Oh, Babs, I don't wish to overwhelm you 462 00:18:21,528 --> 00:18:23,762 with my passions, but I must say this. 463 00:18:23,830 --> 00:18:25,264 I'm ever so content. 464 00:18:25,331 --> 00:18:28,000 Oh, I am too, Rodginald. 465 00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:30,002 Do you think perhaps one day, 466 00:18:30,069 --> 00:18:32,971 if we should marry, that I could sit beside you? 467 00:18:33,039 --> 00:18:35,374 Yes, I think that would be fine. 468 00:18:35,441 --> 00:18:38,043 Get away from my wife, you rascal! 469 00:18:38,111 --> 00:18:41,013 Oh, such language in the presence of a lady. 470 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:44,082 If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt! 471 00:18:44,150 --> 00:18:46,852 Hang-hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. 472 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:47,986 Penis. 473 00:18:49,856 --> 00:18:52,457 Carter, get out of here this instant! 474 00:18:52,525 --> 00:18:54,560 I don't ever want to see you again. 475 00:18:54,627 --> 00:18:56,628 Pussycup, please. 476 00:18:56,696 --> 00:18:59,398 Mrs. Pewterschmidt, Carter has something important to say to you. 477 00:18:59,465 --> 00:19:02,067 I'll set the mood. 478 00:19:02,135 --> 00:19:06,405 ♪ B-B-Bird, bird, bird ♪ 479 00:19:06,472 --> 00:19:08,340 ♪ B-Bird's the word ♪ 480 00:19:08,408 --> 00:19:11,743 ♪ B-B-Bird, bird, bird ♪ 481 00:19:11,811 --> 00:19:14,379 ♪ B-Bird's the word ♪ 482 00:19:14,447 --> 00:19:19,585 ♪ Well, uh, don't you know about the bird? ♪ 483 00:19:19,652 --> 00:19:25,424 ♪ Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word. ♪ 484 00:19:25,491 --> 00:19:28,093 Uh, Peter, I kind of want to do this on my own. 485 00:19:28,161 --> 00:19:30,829 Babs, I need you. 486 00:19:30,897 --> 00:19:34,433 Cheating on you was the worst mistake of my life. 487 00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:37,002 I kneel before you a frightened soul 488 00:19:37,070 --> 00:19:38,303 and a broken man. 489 00:19:38,371 --> 00:19:40,539 A man who has nothing without you. 490 00:19:40,607 --> 00:19:42,374 Give me one more chance, 491 00:19:42,442 --> 00:19:45,944 and I pledge to place above you nothing-- not even myself-- 492 00:19:46,012 --> 00:19:49,481 for all my time here, and for time forever. 493 00:19:49,549 --> 00:19:52,351 Please, I beg you. 494 00:19:53,586 --> 00:19:57,389 Carter, what you did was unforgivable. 495 00:19:57,457 --> 00:19:59,858 And as beautiful as your words are, 496 00:19:59,926 --> 00:20:03,528 I... I just don't know that they can fix what's done. 497 00:20:03,596 --> 00:20:06,231 I know I can't do it overnight, 498 00:20:06,299 --> 00:20:08,567 but we can still have a lot of years together. 499 00:20:08,635 --> 00:20:11,336 Please, just let me try. 500 00:20:11,404 --> 00:20:15,774 Carter, you had sex with that woman. 501 00:20:15,842 --> 00:20:18,844 So, no, I can't trust you. 502 00:20:18,911 --> 00:20:22,781 But at my age, I'm certainly not going to remarry either. 503 00:20:22,849 --> 00:20:26,118 So, if you'd like to move back in 504 00:20:26,185 --> 00:20:29,721 and take things slowly one step at a time, 505 00:20:29,789 --> 00:20:32,324 I suppose I can give you the chance 506 00:20:32,392 --> 00:20:33,859 to earn my trust again. 507 00:20:33,926 --> 00:20:36,028 That sounds like a lot of work. Go to hell! 508 00:20:36,095 --> 00:20:37,496 Carter, what-what-what- what are we here for? 509 00:20:37,563 --> 00:20:38,597 What are we here for? 510 00:20:38,665 --> 00:20:39,831 All right, all right, fine. 511 00:20:39,899 --> 00:20:43,301 I'm... I'm... I'm gonna try. 512 00:20:48,474 --> 00:20:50,142 Come here, you. 513 00:20:59,886 --> 00:21:02,521 Hey look, I found a genie's lamp. 514 00:21:02,588 --> 00:21:04,289 Oh, no? 515 00:21:04,357 --> 00:21:05,924 Okay, maybe next week. 516 00:21:06,334 --> 00:21:10,354 -- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com --