1
00:00:01,620 --> 00:00:04,589
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,590 --> 00:00:07,759
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:11,489
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,490 --> 00:00:14,490
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:18,069
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:30,020 --> 00:00:31,380
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
11
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Aw, man, I've been dying
to see Maniac Pope 2.
12
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The first one was awesome.
13
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Is this one of those theaters
14
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where they bring your beef stew
right to your seat?
15
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What? That's
not a thing.
16
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Sure is.
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Don't get mad at me 'cause
you don't know nothing fancy.
18
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I feel like I'm being watched.
19
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I feel like I'm being watched.
20
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Of course you are, silly.
21
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The Lord is always watching us.
22
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(suspenseful music playing)
23
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May the sword be with you.
24
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(gasps)
25
00:01:20,345 --> 00:01:22,773
And also with you!
26
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Geez, this movie sucks.
27
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I know, it's terrible.
28
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(whispering): Excuse me,
who had the stroganoff
29
00:01:27,784 --> 00:01:28,983
with the roasted potatoes?
30
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CLEVELAND:
Right here.
31
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CLEVELAND:
Right here.
32
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Thank you for seeing me,
Your Excellency.
33
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Of course.
34
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What did you say your
name was, my child?
35
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Lucy.
36
00:01:42,594 --> 00:01:44,994
You've been "Lucified."
37
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That was awful.
38
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I know. They just redid
all the same stuff
39
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from the first Maniac Pope.
40
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Yeah, like in the first
Maniac Pope,
41
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,773
he says to Bruce,
"You've been Brucified."
42
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Like, that's smart, right?
43
00:01:59,784 --> 00:02:00,264
That's a smart line.
44
00:02:00,265 --> 00:02:01,283
That's a smart line.
45
00:02:01,284 --> 00:02:03,253
But he did the same thing
twice in this movie.
46
00:02:03,254 --> 00:02:05,753
Once to Lucy and once earlier
when he found that wild goose.
47
00:02:05,754 --> 00:02:07,553
It's just bad writing.
48
00:02:07,554 --> 00:02:09,023
Yeah, I mean, we could write
a better horror movie than that.
49
00:02:09,024 --> 00:02:10,893
Really? You
think we could?
50
00:02:10,894 --> 00:02:14,729
Absolutely. I'm as creative as
the first spider to spin a web.
51
00:02:14,730 --> 00:02:16,493
Hey, you know how
we always dreamed
52
00:02:16,494 --> 00:02:18,463
about having a house
that comes out of our butts?
53
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Uh, what?
54
00:02:19,504 --> 00:02:20,504
Eh?
55
00:02:20,505 --> 00:02:22,704
Yeah. Butt-house.
56
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I found your cigarettes.
57
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That's all I'm gonna say.
58
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That's all I'm gonna say.
59
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Morning, everybody.
60
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And the crisis continues.
61
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(chuckling):
What, these?
62
00:02:35,545 --> 00:02:36,613
Come on.
63
00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:38,544
Last thing I want is attention.
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It's just that when you've
read as many books as I have,
65
00:02:40,554 --> 00:02:42,023
it-it takes a toll,
you know?
66
00:02:42,024 --> 00:02:43,559
You sure it's not from watching
67
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,553
too much close-up
porn on your phone?
68
00:02:45,554 --> 00:02:47,254
(chuckling): You know,
I wouldn't be surprised
69
00:02:47,264 --> 00:02:48,499
if they have that now.
70
00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:50,524
Brian, what do you
want for breakfast?
71
00:02:50,534 --> 00:02:51,874
Uh, hold on.
72
00:02:54,764 --> 00:02:57,464
What do I want?
73
00:02:57,474 --> 00:02:59,773
You're so full of it.
You don't need those things.
74
00:02:59,774 --> 00:03:00,264
Wait, who said that?
75
00:03:00,265 --> 00:03:01,443
Wait, who said that?
76
00:03:01,444 --> 00:03:02,743
Oh, Stewie.
77
00:03:02,744 --> 00:03:03,979
You are just horrible.
78
00:03:03,980 --> 00:03:05,443
You're even worse
than those people
79
00:03:05,444 --> 00:03:07,004
who take dumps in the shower.
80
00:03:08,414 --> 00:03:09,444
What?
81
00:03:09,454 --> 00:03:10,683
W-Why are you cutting to me?
82
00:03:10,684 --> 00:03:11,953
What did somebody say?
83
00:03:11,954 --> 00:03:14,654
Whatever they said I do,
I don't do.
84
00:03:18,254 --> 00:03:20,523
All right, I got a
horror movie idea.
85
00:03:20,524 --> 00:03:22,223
It's called Cereal Killer.
86
00:03:22,224 --> 00:03:25,463
A serial killer who only
kills people who eat cereal.
87
00:03:25,464 --> 00:03:28,224
Wait, what... what if God
is a serial killer?
88
00:03:28,234 --> 00:03:30,263
He lowers the average lifespan
of humans to 65,
89
00:03:30,264 --> 00:03:31,743
He lowers the average lifespan
of humans to 65,
90
00:03:31,744 --> 00:03:35,334
but there are many exceptions
based on genetics and diet.
91
00:03:35,344 --> 00:03:38,613
That's stupid... I ain't never
heard of somebody lived to 65.
92
00:03:38,614 --> 00:03:40,683
Look, I think the problem is
this is a bar.
93
00:03:40,684 --> 00:03:41,943
We can't get inspired here.
94
00:03:41,944 --> 00:03:43,513
We have to go someplace
scary, you know?
95
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:44,813
To put us in the mood.
96
00:03:44,814 --> 00:03:47,383
I got it: the old Quahog Asylum.
97
00:03:47,384 --> 00:03:48,953
What?! We can't go there.
98
00:03:48,954 --> 00:03:51,014
That place has been
abandoned for years.
99
00:03:51,024 --> 00:03:53,529
And they say it's haunted
by a ghost with a hook-hand.
100
00:03:53,530 --> 00:03:54,993
That's why it's
the perfect place.
101
00:03:54,994 --> 00:03:56,524
If we want to write
a scary movie,
102
00:03:56,534 --> 00:03:57,763
we need to do it
somewhere scary.
103
00:03:57,764 --> 00:03:59,503
Well, I guess we could try it.
104
00:03:59,504 --> 00:04:00,264
We have sort of just been
spinning our wheels here.
105
00:04:00,265 --> 00:04:01,973
We have sort of just been
spinning our wheels here.
106
00:04:01,974 --> 00:04:03,394
No offense, Joe.
107
00:04:03,404 --> 00:04:05,409
(sighs) I guess
Cleveland's right.
108
00:04:05,410 --> 00:04:07,403
So far, this has been
a bigger waste of time
109
00:04:07,404 --> 00:04:09,634
than an acceptance speech
at the Asperger's Awards.
110
00:04:09,644 --> 00:04:11,643
I'd like to thank
everyone I've ever met,
111
00:04:11,644 --> 00:04:13,913
in the order that I met them,
last name first,
112
00:04:13,914 --> 00:04:17,284
and if anyone interrupts me,
I'll have to start over.
113
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(thunder crashes)
114
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♪ ♪
115
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(thunder crashes)
116
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This place is terrible.
117
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Are you kidding?
118
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It's the perfect place
to write a horror movie.
119
00:04:54,284 --> 00:04:55,414
All right, well, I got an idea.
120
00:04:55,424 --> 00:04:56,893
You know, I like
them horror movies
121
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where you got a couple
of teenagers getting busy
122
00:04:58,734 --> 00:05:00,254
in their car at Makeout Point,
123
00:05:00,264 --> 00:05:00,664
in their car at Makeout Point,
124
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but there's a killer
on the loose.
125
00:05:08,464 --> 00:05:11,733
Hey, Stacy, what do you say
we go all the way tonight?
126
00:05:11,734 --> 00:05:14,303
And then I unload
on the sun visors.
127
00:05:14,304 --> 00:05:15,834
Is that all
you ever think about?
128
00:05:15,844 --> 00:05:17,843
And besides, Richie,
aren't you worried
129
00:05:17,844 --> 00:05:20,349
about what the man on the radio
is saying right now?
130
00:05:20,350 --> 00:05:23,474
TOM TUCKER:
Another dead teenage couple
was found at Makeout Point,
131
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clawed beyond recognition.
132
00:05:25,454 --> 00:05:26,653
You see?
133
00:05:26,654 --> 00:05:28,023
There's a dangerous
creature out there.
134
00:05:28,024 --> 00:05:30,263
Oh, what, you mean the
big, rabid, slobbery cat
135
00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:30,764
Oh, what, you mean the
big, rabid, slobbery cat
136
00:05:30,765 --> 00:05:32,454
what's been scratching
people to death?
137
00:05:32,464 --> 00:05:34,029
I don't believe
it exists, Stacy.
138
00:05:34,030 --> 00:05:36,524
Now, help me get the right
angle and lower the visor.
139
00:05:36,534 --> 00:05:38,493
(cat yowls in distance)
140
00:05:38,494 --> 00:05:39,763
Richie, did you hear that?
141
00:05:39,764 --> 00:05:40,994
Will you calm down?
142
00:05:41,004 --> 00:05:42,543
We're the only ones out here...
143
00:05:42,544 --> 00:05:43,694
(screams)
144
00:05:43,704 --> 00:05:45,303
Rrrawwwr!
145
00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:46,334
(screaming)
146
00:05:46,344 --> 00:05:47,773
(screams)
147
00:05:47,774 --> 00:05:48,943
Oh, my God!
148
00:05:48,944 --> 00:05:50,613
(screaming)
149
00:05:50,614 --> 00:05:51,744
(screaming)
150
00:05:52,944 --> 00:05:54,404
(screaming)
151
00:05:54,414 --> 00:05:56,824
(roars)
152
00:05:57,984 --> 00:05:59,953
Wait, you were the guy
and the cat?
153
00:05:59,954 --> 00:06:00,264
And what's with
that visor stuff?
154
00:06:00,265 --> 00:06:01,689
And what's with
that visor stuff?
155
00:06:01,690 --> 00:06:03,514
Did Richie achieve release?
156
00:06:03,524 --> 00:06:04,759
Okay, of the three of you,
157
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,354
Cleveland's the only one
who gets it.
158
00:06:06,364 --> 00:06:08,263
That's an awful idea.
Well, I got one.
159
00:06:08,264 --> 00:06:10,463
We should write one of them
zombie movies
160
00:06:10,464 --> 00:06:12,969
where a guy wakes up in a
comfortable cotton hospital gown
161
00:06:12,970 --> 00:06:16,264
with the back open so there's
a nice breeze on your behind,
162
00:06:16,274 --> 00:06:17,973
and he's like, "This ain't bad."
163
00:06:17,974 --> 00:06:21,374
But then he notices
the hospital's empty!
164
00:06:26,244 --> 00:06:29,544
Nurse, I'm ready
for my sponge bath.
165
00:06:29,554 --> 00:06:30,264
Hmm.
166
00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:30,884
Hmm.
167
00:06:30,885 --> 00:06:32,553
What happened to this place?
168
00:06:32,554 --> 00:06:34,394
Everybody up and gone.
169
00:06:37,294 --> 00:06:39,563
(electrical crackling)
170
00:06:39,564 --> 00:06:41,563
Hmm, that's annoying.
171
00:06:41,564 --> 00:06:43,664
(static hissing)
172
00:06:45,234 --> 00:06:47,503
Maybe it's a loose filament.
173
00:06:47,504 --> 00:06:48,533
(rattling)
174
00:06:48,534 --> 00:06:51,234
Nope, that's a busted bulb.
175
00:06:54,274 --> 00:06:55,803
These are all 145s.
176
00:06:55,804 --> 00:06:57,404
I need a 180.
177
00:06:59,784 --> 00:07:00,264
Well, now, maybe I did
need a 145.
178
00:07:00,265 --> 00:07:02,724
Well, now, maybe I did
need a 145.
179
00:07:04,654 --> 00:07:06,694
There we go.
180
00:07:08,284 --> 00:07:09,514
(pops)
181
00:07:09,524 --> 00:07:11,993
Damn it, I guess
it's a wiring issue.
182
00:07:11,994 --> 00:07:13,493
That's it?
183
00:07:13,494 --> 00:07:15,303
What the hell? When do
the zombies show up?
184
00:07:15,304 --> 00:07:16,593
That's the thing.
185
00:07:16,594 --> 00:07:18,693
Their shuttle was late.
186
00:07:18,694 --> 00:07:20,424
I-I don't know,
I-I was thinking
187
00:07:20,434 --> 00:07:21,773
we'd write a movie
where something
188
00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:23,994
that's not supposed
to be scary becomes scary.
189
00:07:24,004 --> 00:07:25,433
Like an evil doll.
190
00:07:25,434 --> 00:07:27,634
Yeah, or-or like an
evil bar of soap.
191
00:07:27,644 --> 00:07:29,984
Peter, I don't think
that's such a good id...
Too late!
192
00:07:33,484 --> 00:07:35,713
Oh, yeah, that's nice.
193
00:07:35,714 --> 00:07:39,444
Time to wash my body
with this harmless bar of soap.
194
00:07:39,454 --> 00:07:41,594
(dramatic music plays)
195
00:07:44,254 --> 00:07:45,984
Hey, Ambassador Mumbasa,
196
00:07:45,994 --> 00:07:48,229
are you enjoying
that new soap I bought you
197
00:07:48,230 --> 00:07:49,724
from that mysterious Chinese man
198
00:07:49,734 --> 00:07:52,334
whose store was weirdly
not there the next day?
199
00:07:53,564 --> 00:07:55,394
Ambassador Mumbasa?
200
00:07:56,374 --> 00:07:58,703
Oh, my God, Ambassador Mumbasa!
201
00:07:58,704 --> 00:08:00,254
(dramatic music plays)
202
00:08:00,264 --> 00:08:01,474
(dramatic music plays)
203
00:08:04,514 --> 00:08:06,014
(screams)
204
00:08:10,014 --> 00:08:11,774
Ambassador Mumbasa?
205
00:08:11,784 --> 00:08:13,689
Assistant Ambassador Armstrong?
206
00:08:13,690 --> 00:08:15,584
Everything okay up there
with the bath?
207
00:08:18,494 --> 00:08:19,894
(screams)
208
00:08:30,634 --> 00:08:32,303
(gasps)
209
00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:35,873
I wonder if everything's okay
up at the old embassy.
210
00:08:35,874 --> 00:08:38,304
(wind howling, door slams)
211
00:08:38,314 --> 00:08:40,583
All right, maybe coming here
wasn't such a great idea.
212
00:08:40,584 --> 00:08:42,353
Is anybody else getting
a little freaked out
213
00:08:42,354 --> 00:08:43,844
by all these scary stories?
214
00:08:43,854 --> 00:08:46,483
Yeah, even my spine is tingling.
215
00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:47,683
You guys, I'm scared.
216
00:08:47,684 --> 00:08:48,853
You remember that movie
The Blob?
217
00:08:48,854 --> 00:08:50,014
What if the Blob?
218
00:08:50,024 --> 00:08:51,524
Let's get out of here!
219
00:08:53,624 --> 00:08:54,923
Aw, damn it, it's locked!
220
00:08:54,924 --> 00:08:56,824
Oh, my God, somebody
must have locked us in.
221
00:08:56,834 --> 00:08:58,593
We're gonna die in here!
222
00:08:58,594 --> 00:09:00,254
(high-pitched scream)
223
00:09:00,264 --> 00:09:01,264
(high-pitched scream)
224
00:09:01,664 --> 00:09:03,864
Sorry, guys,
somebody e-mailed me a video
225
00:09:03,874 --> 00:09:05,533
of a sheep screaming.
226
00:09:05,534 --> 00:09:07,634
(high-pitched scream)
227
00:09:14,844 --> 00:09:17,413
It was him.
It was the hook-handed killer.
228
00:09:17,414 --> 00:09:18,883
He locked us in!
229
00:09:18,884 --> 00:09:20,914
All the windows
have bars on 'em.
230
00:09:20,924 --> 00:09:23,663
I think the only way out of here
is through this duct system.
231
00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:26,654
Guys, do the words
"dead by dawn" scrawled
232
00:09:26,664 --> 00:09:28,933
in feces over there
mean we're in trouble?
233
00:09:28,934 --> 00:09:30,454
Did you do it?
I did.
234
00:09:30,464 --> 00:09:31,664
Then no.
235
00:09:36,374 --> 00:09:38,733
Still sticking with
the glasses, huh?
236
00:09:38,734 --> 00:09:39,054
What? Oh, right.
237
00:09:39,054 --> 00:09:39,734
What? Oh, right.
238
00:09:39,744 --> 00:09:41,443
Right, I have glasses.
239
00:09:41,444 --> 00:09:43,443
They're such a part of me now,
I-I forgot all about 'em.
240
00:09:43,444 --> 00:09:44,713
You're gross.
241
00:09:44,714 --> 00:09:46,243
You know, it's funny,
242
00:09:46,244 --> 00:09:47,704
I-I've gotten an awful
lot of writing done
243
00:09:47,714 --> 00:09:49,683
at that very table.
244
00:09:49,684 --> 00:09:51,683
You're a writer?
(Stewie groans)
245
00:09:51,684 --> 00:09:53,689
I-I like to consider
myself an observer.
246
00:09:53,690 --> 00:09:55,714
(chuckles) You have nice
breasts, for instance.
247
00:09:55,724 --> 00:09:57,723
(chuckles)
You want to join me?
248
00:09:57,724 --> 00:09:59,493
Guy with glasses
can't be all bad.
249
00:09:59,494 --> 00:10:00,663
Thanks.
250
00:10:00,664 --> 00:10:02,463
Boy, it's loud in here, huh?
251
00:10:02,464 --> 00:10:05,533
Wh-When they said "Professor
Griffin," I barely heard them.
252
00:10:05,534 --> 00:10:07,533
That's it, I'm putting
an end to this.
253
00:10:07,534 --> 00:10:09,064
I'm gonna destroy those glasses
if it's the last thing I do.
254
00:10:09,054 --> 00:10:10,394
I'm gonna destroy those glasses
if it's the last thing I do.
255
00:10:10,404 --> 00:10:11,903
You should really check out
256
00:10:11,904 --> 00:10:14,844
the Thanksgiving jazz
CD they sell here.
257
00:10:20,344 --> 00:10:21,844
(screaming)
258
00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:27,344
Where the hell are we?
259
00:10:27,354 --> 00:10:28,853
(footsteps echo)
260
00:10:28,854 --> 00:10:29,984
I heard something.
261
00:10:29,994 --> 00:10:31,723
Is... is someone else here?
262
00:10:31,724 --> 00:10:33,493
Oh, my God,
it's Hook-hand!
263
00:10:33,494 --> 00:10:34,763
He's coming for us!
264
00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:36,799
Damn it, why can't
I get any reception?
265
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:39,053
Because we're in a basement
in the middle of nowhere.
266
00:10:39,054 --> 00:10:39,264
Because we're in a basement
in the middle of nowhere.
267
00:10:39,265 --> 00:10:40,794
Besides, if cell phones worked,
268
00:10:40,804 --> 00:10:42,539
every movie would be
two minutes long.
269
00:10:42,540 --> 00:10:44,364
Like An Affair to Remember.
270
00:10:50,674 --> 00:10:53,443
Darling, I was running
to the Empire State Building
271
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:55,713
to see you,
but I got hit by a car.
272
00:10:55,714 --> 00:10:57,874
No wonder you were late.
I'll be right down.
273
00:10:57,884 --> 00:10:58,913
Are you okay?
274
00:10:58,914 --> 00:11:00,983
I think I may be paralyzed.
275
00:11:00,984 --> 00:11:03,754
I'm sorry, there's nobody here
by that name.
276
00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:15,563
Wow, Stewie, thanks for
taking me to the spa.
277
00:11:15,564 --> 00:11:17,233
Hey, you deserve it, buddy.
278
00:11:17,234 --> 00:11:19,603
So just relax, take
your glasses off,
279
00:11:19,604 --> 00:11:21,434
take a nice, dry sauna...
280
00:11:21,444 --> 00:11:22,743
No glasses in the sauna...
281
00:11:22,744 --> 00:11:23,883
Just leave those
puppies in the locker.
282
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,334
They'll be safe out here.
283
00:11:25,344 --> 00:11:27,284
Sounds good.
284
00:11:34,954 --> 00:11:37,023
(quietly): Come on, Chris.
Don't let me down.
285
00:11:37,024 --> 00:11:38,423
CHRIS:
Don't worry, Stewie.
286
00:11:38,424 --> 00:11:39,064
Chris! What are you
doing in here?
287
00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:40,523
Chris! What are you
doing in here?
288
00:11:40,524 --> 00:11:41,623
I did it.
289
00:11:41,624 --> 00:11:42,893
I locked us in the sauna!
290
00:11:42,894 --> 00:11:43,894
You what?!
291
00:11:43,895 --> 00:11:45,424
Yep, it's all set.
292
00:11:45,434 --> 00:11:46,769
It's turned up high,
293
00:11:46,770 --> 00:11:49,694
and nobody is coming
for the whole weekend.
294
00:11:50,804 --> 00:11:52,403
(pounding)
295
00:11:52,404 --> 00:11:54,534
(gasping, panting)
296
00:11:55,974 --> 00:11:58,734
Boy, you guys sure look steamed.
297
00:11:58,744 --> 00:12:01,453
ANNOUNCER:
This Family Guy joke was
written by Jimmy Sullivan,
298
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:03,513
age nine, of Decatur, Georgia.
299
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:05,313
Thanks, Jimmy!
300
00:12:05,314 --> 00:12:08,314
And we'll pass along your
gross request to Mila Kunis.
301
00:12:11,424 --> 00:12:13,363
(water dripping)
302
00:12:13,364 --> 00:12:16,363
(footsteps approaching)
303
00:12:16,364 --> 00:12:18,299
Those footsteps
are getting closer.
304
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:19,463
Those aren't footsteps.
305
00:12:19,464 --> 00:12:20,894
It's an old building.
Just relax.
306
00:12:20,904 --> 00:12:22,673
Besides, I can see an exit door
right there.
307
00:12:22,674 --> 00:12:24,364
Where?
Right there.
308
00:12:24,374 --> 00:12:25,513
Behind that guy with the hook...
309
00:12:25,514 --> 00:12:26,904
(terrified screaming)
310
00:12:30,544 --> 00:12:32,273
(screaming)
311
00:12:32,274 --> 00:12:33,944
Everybody run!
312
00:12:34,884 --> 00:12:37,254
(Joe screaming)
313
00:12:38,854 --> 00:12:39,064
(thunder crashes)
314
00:12:39,065 --> 00:12:40,744
(thunder crashes)
315
00:12:42,684 --> 00:12:43,953
(screams)
316
00:12:43,954 --> 00:12:45,384
Wait a minute.
317
00:12:45,394 --> 00:12:47,333
There's four of us,
and one of him.
318
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:49,224
Yeah, let's get him!
319
00:12:49,764 --> 00:12:51,704
(yelling)
320
00:12:52,694 --> 00:12:53,924
Son of a bitch!
Take that!
321
00:12:53,934 --> 00:12:56,244
Die, Hook-hand!
You won't kill us!
322
00:13:00,674 --> 00:13:04,943
Um, Hook-hand's name is Albert,
and he's dressed like a janitor.
323
00:13:04,944 --> 00:13:08,543
(groans)
I've been trying to help you.
324
00:13:08,544 --> 00:13:09,054
I'm the caretaker here.
325
00:13:09,055 --> 00:13:11,244
I'm the caretaker here.
326
00:13:11,254 --> 00:13:12,453
Wait, you work here?
327
00:13:12,454 --> 00:13:13,653
But you have a hook hand.
328
00:13:13,654 --> 00:13:15,323
I was a soldier.
329
00:13:15,324 --> 00:13:18,793
I lost my hand
saving six men in Korea.
330
00:13:18,794 --> 00:13:20,993
Oh, God, he's a war hero.
331
00:13:20,994 --> 00:13:23,263
(exhales)
332
00:13:23,264 --> 00:13:24,733
He's dead.
333
00:13:24,734 --> 00:13:25,963
What have we done?
334
00:13:25,964 --> 00:13:28,424
We killed an innocent man.
335
00:13:32,704 --> 00:13:36,404
Well, if this doesn't justify
a McFlurry, nothing does.
336
00:13:45,354 --> 00:13:48,323
Oh, my God,
we killed an innocent man.
337
00:13:48,324 --> 00:13:49,693
W-We've got to
report this!
338
00:13:49,694 --> 00:13:51,023
We gotta turn ourselves in!
339
00:13:51,024 --> 00:13:52,453
No way.
340
00:13:52,454 --> 00:13:53,884
If we do that,
we'll all go to jail.
341
00:13:53,894 --> 00:13:55,393
And I'm a cop.
342
00:13:55,394 --> 00:13:56,963
Do you know what they
do to cops in jail?
343
00:13:56,964 --> 00:13:59,533
Hey, man, when you were
a cop, did they...
344
00:13:59,534 --> 00:14:00,903
did they let you use the siren?
345
00:14:00,904 --> 00:14:02,603
Yeah, it's part of the job.
346
00:14:02,604 --> 00:14:03,733
That's so cool!
347
00:14:03,734 --> 00:14:05,264
Hey, hey, when you were a cop,
348
00:14:05,274 --> 00:14:06,714
when you were going
to a crime scene,
349
00:14:06,704 --> 00:14:07,734
did you go "chung chung,"
like Law & Order?
350
00:14:07,744 --> 00:14:08,274
Did you go "chung chung,"
like Law & Order?
351
00:14:08,275 --> 00:14:09,843
No, that would be
very unprofessional.
352
00:14:09,844 --> 00:14:11,543
All right, all right.
353
00:14:11,544 --> 00:14:13,253
Oh, hey, check it out,
man, when you were a cop,
354
00:14:13,254 --> 00:14:15,243
did you ever, you know,
use your handcuffs
355
00:14:15,244 --> 00:14:17,313
when you were getting
kinky with your girl?
356
00:14:17,314 --> 00:14:18,644
No, it's city property,
357
00:14:18,654 --> 00:14:20,253
so you're not really
supposed to take those home.
358
00:14:20,254 --> 00:14:21,393
Oh, for sure, for sure.
359
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:22,783
Oh, hey, by the way,
360
00:14:22,784 --> 00:14:24,884
a bunch of us are gonna kill
you in the shower later.
361
00:14:28,464 --> 00:14:30,903
Okay, so we're all on
the same page, right?
362
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:32,224
We bury the body,
363
00:14:32,234 --> 00:14:33,533
we never speak of this again.
364
00:14:33,534 --> 00:14:35,574
Deal.
Got it.
Yup.
365
00:14:42,274 --> 00:14:44,813
Wow, that was exhausting.
366
00:14:44,814 --> 00:14:47,384
Wait a minute, is-is
that... is that his car?
367
00:14:58,754 --> 00:14:59,984
(car alarm wailing)
368
00:14:59,994 --> 00:15:01,794
Aw, crap, it's still alive!
369
00:15:10,974 --> 00:15:14,614
It does not feel
like a Wednesday.
370
00:15:20,284 --> 00:15:22,343
Peter, I'm glad you're up.
371
00:15:22,344 --> 00:15:24,444
I need to talk to you
about something.
372
00:15:24,454 --> 00:15:26,594
I know what you did last night.
373
00:15:27,584 --> 00:15:28,744
You do?
374
00:15:28,754 --> 00:15:31,263
How could you do
something so heinous?
375
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,023
Last night,
376
00:15:33,024 --> 00:15:35,323
you left your dirty dishes
in the sink.
377
00:15:35,324 --> 00:15:37,493
It's disgusting.
378
00:15:37,494 --> 00:15:37,734
So I did half, and I left
the other half for you.
379
00:15:37,744 --> 00:15:40,504
So I did half, and I left
the other half for you.
380
00:15:41,934 --> 00:15:43,803
Ah, forget it.
You'll just do it wrong.
381
00:15:43,804 --> 00:15:45,373
I'll wash 'em myself.
382
00:15:45,374 --> 00:15:47,473
Why don't you just go
in the other room and relax?
383
00:15:47,474 --> 00:15:49,243
I'll call you
when breakfast is ready.
384
00:15:49,244 --> 00:15:50,584
Okay.
385
00:15:51,914 --> 00:15:54,353
LOIS: Oh, my God, Peter,
come look at the newspaper!
386
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:55,743
"Janitor dead."
387
00:15:55,744 --> 00:15:56,574
(gasps)
388
00:15:56,584 --> 00:15:57,883
What? No!
389
00:15:57,884 --> 00:16:00,883
Right here.
My college roommate, Jan Itter.
390
00:16:00,884 --> 00:16:02,814
She passed away yesterday.
391
00:16:02,824 --> 00:16:04,593
Are-are we really
doing this?
392
00:16:04,594 --> 00:16:06,333
'Cause I didn't get, like,
any sleep last night.
393
00:16:06,334 --> 00:16:07,723
What are you freaking out about?
394
00:16:07,724 --> 00:16:07,734
You didn't even know her.
395
00:16:07,744 --> 00:16:09,299
You didn't even know her.
396
00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:11,354
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
y-you're right, you're right.
397
00:16:12,634 --> 00:16:15,233
LOIS: You and the guys
killed and buried a man?!
398
00:16:15,234 --> 00:16:16,903
Ah, I knew you'd find out!
399
00:16:16,904 --> 00:16:18,603
Find out what?
400
00:16:18,604 --> 00:16:19,943
I just got
David Sedaris' new book,
401
00:16:19,944 --> 00:16:22,273
You and the Guys Killed
and Buried a Man.
402
00:16:22,274 --> 00:16:23,843
Okay, I am really on edge
403
00:16:23,844 --> 00:16:25,949
and this thing we're doing,
I'm not happy about it,
404
00:16:25,950 --> 00:16:28,474
and that's a very odd title
for a humorist's book.
405
00:16:28,484 --> 00:16:29,753
Peter, you're acting very weird.
406
00:16:29,754 --> 00:16:30,983
Just go in the other room.
407
00:16:30,984 --> 00:16:32,683
I don't want to go
in the other room.
408
00:16:32,684 --> 00:16:34,414
I want to stay here and
see what you're seeing,
409
00:16:34,424 --> 00:16:36,553
because you're saying
things that I think are
410
00:16:36,554 --> 00:16:37,734
something totally different
than what they are.
411
00:16:37,744 --> 00:16:38,394
Something totally different
than what they are.
412
00:16:38,395 --> 00:16:40,033
Peter, you're gonna
have a heart attack.
413
00:16:40,034 --> 00:16:43,594
I won't say anything.
I'll let you relax.
414
00:16:44,694 --> 00:16:46,594
LOIS: "They found a body
of a war hero
415
00:16:46,604 --> 00:16:48,463
down by the old asylum!"
416
00:16:48,464 --> 00:16:50,294
Okay, that has to be something.
417
00:16:50,304 --> 00:16:51,843
(song playing on radio)
Oh, sorry, Peter,
418
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:55,434
I'm just singing along with
this old John Mellencamp song.
419
00:16:55,444 --> 00:16:59,743
♪ They went up there
to write a movie ♪
420
00:16:59,744 --> 00:17:03,813
♪ Peter, Quagmire,
Cleveland and Joe ♪
421
00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:06,944
♪ Killed the old janitor
war hero ♪
422
00:17:06,954 --> 00:17:07,744
♪ Just why,
we'll never know... ♪
423
00:17:07,745 --> 00:17:10,023
♪ Just why,
we'll never know... ♪
424
00:17:10,024 --> 00:17:11,623
I don't remember this one.
425
00:17:11,624 --> 00:17:13,963
Guess it's never been
in a car commercial.
426
00:17:13,964 --> 00:17:16,893
♪ In a truck
that's built Dodge Tough. ♪
427
00:17:16,894 --> 00:17:18,994
Oh, yeah, no, I know this one.
428
00:17:21,234 --> 00:17:23,744
(whistling)
429
00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:27,964
Hey, Bri?
Yeah?
430
00:17:27,974 --> 00:17:30,343
Aah! Damn it! Aah!
431
00:17:30,344 --> 00:17:31,783
There's glass in my eye!
432
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,504
Oh! Son of a bitch!
433
00:17:33,514 --> 00:17:34,783
Aah!
434
00:17:34,784 --> 00:17:36,413
Mom says dinner's at 6:00.
435
00:17:36,414 --> 00:17:37,734
She wanted me to tell
people; I don't know why.
436
00:17:37,744 --> 00:17:38,923
She wanted me to tell
people; I don't know why.
437
00:17:38,924 --> 00:17:40,884
(groaning)
438
00:17:44,594 --> 00:17:47,763
Guys, I'm kind of freaking out
about killing that guy.
439
00:17:47,764 --> 00:17:49,999
Anybody else have
a hard time sleeping?
440
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,993
No, but there's an old
John Mellencamp song
441
00:17:51,994 --> 00:17:53,724
you're not gonna
(bleep) believe.
442
00:17:53,734 --> 00:17:54,903
Wait, w-what's
all this stuff
443
00:17:54,904 --> 00:17:56,439
about you guys killing someone?
444
00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:57,764
Last night, at the asylum.
445
00:17:57,774 --> 00:17:58,903
We killed that war hero.
446
00:17:58,904 --> 00:18:00,243
Whoa, whoa, what?!
447
00:18:00,244 --> 00:18:01,743
You-you really
killed someone?
448
00:18:01,744 --> 00:18:04,313
Holy moly, I don't think
I want to hear this.
449
00:18:04,314 --> 00:18:06,313
Quagmire, you were
there with us.
450
00:18:06,314 --> 00:18:07,483
You're so weird.
451
00:18:07,484 --> 00:18:07,744
Last night, I was
in St. Louis.
452
00:18:07,745 --> 00:18:08,753
Last night, I was
in St. Louis.
453
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:10,244
I even have a picture.
454
00:18:10,254 --> 00:18:11,583
See that?
455
00:18:11,584 --> 00:18:12,823
That's yesterday's date
on that newspaper.
456
00:18:12,824 --> 00:18:14,444
On The Quahog Informant?
457
00:18:14,454 --> 00:18:17,323
They sell The Quahog
Informant in St. Louis?
458
00:18:17,324 --> 00:18:18,823
Well, probably, but good
luck with that whole
459
00:18:18,824 --> 00:18:21,723
"you three and not me
killed a guy" thing.
460
00:18:21,724 --> 00:18:23,654
Damn it, that bastard
is bailing on us.
461
00:18:23,664 --> 00:18:26,703
He's a worse accomplice
than Johnny Wind Chimes.
462
00:18:26,704 --> 00:18:28,963
(chimes jingling)
463
00:18:28,964 --> 00:18:30,494
Hey! Shh!
464
00:18:30,504 --> 00:18:33,274
(loudly):
Sorry! It's my chimes.
465
00:18:41,444 --> 00:18:43,713
I hate to frame you like this,
Quagmire, but I gotta.
466
00:18:43,714 --> 00:18:45,244
I can't go to jail.
467
00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:47,724
They'll razz me good
on account of my belly.
468
00:18:51,624 --> 00:18:52,953
Cleveland?
469
00:18:52,954 --> 00:18:54,023
What are you doing here?
470
00:18:54,024 --> 00:18:55,523
What are you both doing here?
471
00:18:55,524 --> 00:18:57,393
Joe?
What the hell?
472
00:18:57,394 --> 00:18:58,824
QUAGMIRE:
You backstabbers.
473
00:19:00,364 --> 00:19:01,994
What the hell's going on?
474
00:19:02,004 --> 00:19:03,573
I'll tell you what's going on.
475
00:19:03,574 --> 00:19:05,003
Cleveland's trying to frame me.
476
00:19:05,004 --> 00:19:07,643
He's got my miniature
portraits of cool guys.
477
00:19:07,644 --> 00:19:07,744
Peter, those are baseball cards.
478
00:19:07,745 --> 00:19:09,279
Peter, those are baseball cards.
479
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,434
Whatever. He's using it
to frame me for murder!
480
00:19:11,444 --> 00:19:12,913
Well, I'm not the only one.
481
00:19:12,914 --> 00:19:15,783
Joe's got my Sports Illustrated
football phone.
482
00:19:15,784 --> 00:19:18,783
He was using this
as his main phone.
483
00:19:18,784 --> 00:19:20,453
It is a mess over there.
484
00:19:20,454 --> 00:19:21,889
Look at all you pathetic people,
485
00:19:21,890 --> 00:19:23,484
bringing stuff
to frame each other.
486
00:19:23,494 --> 00:19:24,693
You're supposed to be friends.
487
00:19:24,694 --> 00:19:26,253
Hey, that's my shovel!
488
00:19:26,254 --> 00:19:27,854
Damn right!
That's how smart I am.
489
00:19:27,864 --> 00:19:29,493
I only had to bring one thing.
490
00:19:29,494 --> 00:19:31,554
This way, I can dig the hole
and just throw this in.
491
00:19:31,564 --> 00:19:32,899
But once you throw it in there,
492
00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:34,824
how you gonna get
the dirt back on top?
493
00:19:34,834 --> 00:19:36,903
Give me your shovel!
494
00:19:36,904 --> 00:19:37,744
You're gonna have
to kill me first!
495
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:38,644
You're gonna have
to kill me first!
496
00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:40,664
Not with my shovel!
That's brand-new!
497
00:19:40,674 --> 00:19:43,013
Give me back
my rattle-y plastic phone!
498
00:19:43,014 --> 00:19:45,734
♪ ♪
499
00:19:51,784 --> 00:19:53,583
Wait, wait, wait, guys! Guys!
500
00:19:53,584 --> 00:19:54,344
What?
501
00:19:54,354 --> 00:19:55,483
Don't you see?
502
00:19:55,484 --> 00:19:56,514
This!
503
00:19:56,524 --> 00:19:58,664
This is our horror movie!
504
00:20:03,934 --> 00:20:05,933
(thunder crashes)
505
00:20:05,934 --> 00:20:07,743
♪ ♪
506
00:20:07,744 --> 00:20:08,744
♪ ♪
507
00:20:18,914 --> 00:20:23,254
It doesn't feel
like a Wednesday.
508
00:20:26,384 --> 00:20:27,444
Boy, that sucked.
509
00:20:27,454 --> 00:20:28,923
Yeah, I guess writing a movie
510
00:20:28,924 --> 00:20:30,763
isn't as easy as Joseph
Gordon-Levitt makes it look.
511
00:20:30,764 --> 00:20:32,514
Hey, at least we gave it a shot.
512
00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:34,693
I just feel bad
we killed an innocent man.
513
00:20:34,694 --> 00:20:36,493
Well, don't feel too bad.
514
00:20:36,494 --> 00:20:37,594
Look at that!
515
00:20:41,704 --> 00:20:42,903
Oh, my God.
516
00:20:42,904 --> 00:20:44,603
Wow, that's a relief!
517
00:20:44,604 --> 00:20:46,843
We may have actually made
this town a better place.
518
00:20:46,844 --> 00:20:48,273
Yeah, what a monster.
519
00:20:48,274 --> 00:20:50,584
But at least now
he's gone forever.