1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:05,130
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:08,258
♪ ls violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:12,012
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:15,015
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:18,310
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:21,688
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:23,190
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,691
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:30,197
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:36,078 --> 00:00:37,704
All right, class,
today we're going
11
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:40,165
to be talking about variables.
12
00:00:40,165 --> 00:00:41,708
(kids laughing)
13
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,710
Okay, it's just a rear end.
14
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,212
We all have one.
15
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,839
Mine just happens to be
a hot Brazilian woman's.
16
00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:49,174
No, we're not laughing at you.
17
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,885
We're laughing at
Griffin's shoes.
18
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:53,512
Why, what's wrong with them?
19
00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:54,680
I don't even know
what those are.
20
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,056
What's "Teslik"?
21
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,183
Um, I'm not sure,
but my mom says they're
22
00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:00,561
very popular
with Latvian athletes.
23
00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:05,190
Running, throwing,
lifting big things.
24
00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:08,026
Teslik.
25
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,195
That's all right with me, man.
26
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ANNOUNCER:
Each shoe sold separate.
27
00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:14,199
Are they really that bad?
28
00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,076
(laughs): Are you kidding?
They're terrible.
29
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,287
Man, high school is rough.
30
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This year it's sneakers.
31
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Last year it was all about
being overweight
32
00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:22,958
and wearing a baseball cap.
33
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:26,086
Hey, guys,
sure hope we win
34
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:27,713
the big game
on Saturday.
35
00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:28,714
Get lost.
Dork.
36
00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:30,591
Yeah, gain some
weight, will ya?
37
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,217
(laughing)
38
00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,469
Oh, of all the years
to be trim and well-hatted.
39
00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:41,226
That was a fun birthday
party, huh, Stewie?
40
00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:43,729
That kid was Indian
and 11 years old.
41
00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:45,314
Where are you
finding my friends?
42
00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:47,316
Oh, someone's a
little cranky.
43
00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:49,234
Here, let me put
on the radio.
44
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:50,319
♪ Talkin' 'bout the club
45
00:01:50,319 --> 00:01:51,987
♪ Lookin' round
the club ♪
46
00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:53,238
♪ Pimpin' at the club
47
00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:55,115
♪ Emphasizing "club."
48
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,408
Yuck, this
is awful.
49
00:01:56,408 --> 00:02:01,288
ANNE MURRAY: ♪ Or am I really
lying here with you? ♪
50
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:04,291
My God, who is this enchantress?
51
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,627
♪ Baby
52
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,295
♪ You take me in your arms
Oh, isn't that cute?
53
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:10,547
My little Stewie
likes Anne Murray.
54
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:12,299
She sounds like an angel.
55
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:16,428
It's like her voice is putting
my entire body in her mouth.
56
00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:18,180
♪
57
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:21,308
♪ And, oh, I
58
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:25,312
♪ Just fall in love again
59
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:31,568
♪ Just one touch and then
it happens every time ♪
60
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:35,781
♪ And there I go, ♪
61
00:02:35,781 --> 00:02:38,659
♪ Just fall in love again
62
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:41,578
♪ And when I do
63
00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:45,165
♪ I can't help myself
64
00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:48,210
♪ I fall in love with you.
65
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,170
(music fades)
66
00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:51,963
You like that, Stewie?
67
00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:53,340
You like
Anne Murray's music?
68
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,716
Do I?
69
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:55,967
I've never known
such happiness.
70
00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:57,469
This must be what
it's like for you
71
00:02:57,552 --> 00:03:00,097
when you're buying potatoes
or scraping your heels
72
00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:03,100
or smushing on makeup
for a sad night out.
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00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,189
ANNOUNCER: This portion
of the Channel 5 News at 6:00
74
00:03:09,231 --> 00:03:11,483
is brought to you buy condoms.
75
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:12,984
Put us on backwards
a little bit,
76
00:03:13,068 --> 00:03:15,070
then put us on the right way.
77
00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:17,864
Mom, Dad, I need to
get new sneakers.
78
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:20,242
What? I just bought you
new sneakers.
79
00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:22,077
I know, but I
need cooler ones.
80
00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:23,328
Shut up, and stop complaining.
81
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:25,080
When I was your age,
I didn't even have sneakers.
82
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,873
We wore stale hamburger buns.
83
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:27,999
No, you didn't, Peter.
84
00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:29,251
Shh, he doesn't know that.
85
00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:30,210
He's just a dumb, fat loser.
86
00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:31,628
Did you see his shoes?
87
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:34,381
Look, Chris, I'm sorry,
but money's tight right now.
88
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,007
Yeah, I even had
to take a second job
89
00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:38,009
as a door-to-door
vacuum salesman.
90
00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:39,010
This thing can pick up anything.
91
00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:40,387
Here's a little demonstration.
92
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,389
I'll pour some wine,
rub in some feces,
93
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,891
and, to top it off,
some mustard mixed with feces.
94
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,226
Tough stain, right?
95
00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:47,894
Oh, crap, I forgot the vacuum.
96
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:50,021
(crickets chirping)
97
00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:52,524
(Anne Murray singing "Snowbird")
98
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:56,236
All right, Rupert, you ready to
get lost in some Anne?
99
00:03:56,278 --> 00:04:00,031
♪ Gentle breezes where
the peaceful waters flow ♪
100
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:04,369
♪ Spread your tiny wings
and fly away ♪
101
00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:06,246
♪ And take the snow
back with you ♪
102
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:10,584
♪ Where it came from
on that day ♪
103
00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:15,005
♪ The one I love forever
is untrue ♪
104
00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:20,469
♪ And if I could, you know
that I would fly away with you ♪
105
00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:25,599
♪ Yeah, if I could, you know
that I would fly-i-i-i-i ♪
106
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:30,395
♪ Away with you.
107
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,397
(Song ends)
108
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,776
What a woman.
109
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,277
To think Canada's got her,
110
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:40,655
and we have Kelly Clarkson going
to town at a Waffle House.
111
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:52,501
That's it,
I'm getting those sneakers.
112
00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:55,128
After all, shoes make the man.
113
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,421
Gentlemen, take your marks.
114
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:58,298
(pistol fires)
115
00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,424
(crowd cheering)
116
00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:02,427
I'm a different kind of winner.
117
00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:07,641
Oh, come on, Dad,
there's no cash in here.
118
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:11,061
Just a bunch of cards that say,
"I farted on your car,"
119
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,063
with his insurance info.
120
00:05:16,525 --> 00:05:18,568
(moans sadly)
121
00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:21,446
Busted.
122
00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,948
Geez, it's so weird
that Mom and Dad
123
00:05:22,948 --> 00:05:25,325
would leave the house
without their purse and wallet.
124
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,160
I wonder where they are?
125
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,328
Can I get you anything else?
126
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,705
Uh, two more
Cokes, please.
127
00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:33,166
Could you excuse me?
128
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,585
(keypad beeping)
129
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:37,546
(phone rings)
130
00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:39,840
Hello.
131
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,174
Damone, it's Peter.
132
00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:42,968
I'm at my date and I left
my wallet at home.
133
00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:44,469
Will you please borrow
your mom's car,
134
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:45,846
drive to my house,
get my wallet,
135
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,180
and bring it back here?
136
00:05:49,224 --> 00:05:51,685
Damone, are you there?
Damone?
137
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,857
Yeesh, I'm really kind of busy.
138
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,567
Come on,
just do me this one favor.
139
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:01,194
All right,
but you owe me for this one.
140
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:02,863
Oh, thanks, Damone.
141
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,490
And that was the last
we ever saw of him.
142
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,122
Well, well, well.
143
00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:14,249
Who do we have here?
144
00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:16,376
It's me, Chris,
you know me.
145
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,003
Why are you talking
like a bad guy?
146
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:21,214
Listen, I saw you steal
money from Mom's purse.
147
00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:22,883
Oh...
148
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,509
Well, I was just trying
to get new sneakers.
149
00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:26,845
You're not going to
tell on me, are you?
150
00:06:26,845 --> 00:06:30,098
Well, that depends.
On what?
151
00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:32,392
How about, I won't tell
Mom and Dad about the money
152
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,520
if you promise to
do whatever I say.
153
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,355
Meg, this is how a
lot of porn starts.
154
00:06:37,355 --> 00:06:38,398
I mean it, Chris.
155
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,399
I'll tell them.
156
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,026
Mom, Chris took
money out of the...
157
00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:42,152
Okay, okay, okay.
158
00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:45,280
I'll do whatever you want.
159
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:46,615
I thought you'd
see it that way.
160
00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:48,909
Here's a list of stuff
I need you to do for me.
161
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,745
Shouldn't have taken
that money, Chris.
162
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,622
Eh, she's right.
I'm a horrible person.
163
00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,540
I'm only one
step above those people
164
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:59,169
who really like dive bars and
really need you to know it.
165
00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:00,545
I love this place.
I love dive bars.
166
00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:01,922
Dive bars are my favorite.
167
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:03,548
They're so much better
than regular bars
168
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:04,549
because worse is better.
169
00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:05,675
I know, right?
170
00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:06,760
They're my favorite, too.
171
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,761
I'm quirky like that.
172
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:08,762
I've got quirky taste.
173
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,055
I'm a quirky girl.
174
00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:12,182
It seems like we would be
perfect for each other.
175
00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:15,060
But really we're
terrible for everyone.
176
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:22,943
ANNE MURRAY:
♪ And though I...
177
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,778
What the hell?
178
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,571
Are you listening
to Anne Murray?
179
00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:29,324
Uh, I am experiencing
Anne Murray.
180
00:07:29,324 --> 00:07:31,159
Why? That music
is complete crap.
181
00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:33,662
Um, excuse me?
182
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:35,455
It's all just vapid,
overproduced tripe.
183
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,706
It has no edge whatsoever.
184
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,708
Yeah, neither does a
soft summer breeze,
185
00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:40,293
or a letter from
an old friend.
186
00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:41,795
I'm pretty sure
envelopes have edges.
187
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,922
Fine, an e-mail. Dick.
188
00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,590
Whatever. You know what?
I don't care.
189
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,676
I think Anne Murray sucks,
and that's my opinion.
190
00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:49,094
Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm going to make
191
00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,595
a believer out of you, Brian.
192
00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:52,597
I am going to show you the true
meaning of Anne Murray.
193
00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:54,808
Don't waste your time,
I'm not going to change my mind.
194
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,434
I don't know, Bri, I can
make things happen
195
00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:57,727
when I want to.
196
00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,312
Just ask my twin brother.
197
00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:01,815
(grunting)
And here's baby boy number one.
198
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:05,485
I understand you've decided
to name him Stewie.
199
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,861
One more to go.
200
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,822
And here he... oh.
201
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,115
Oh, dear.
202
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:12,617
Oh, no,
did Dave not make it?
203
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,664
Okay, Meg,
I've cleaned your room
204
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:18,790
and I did your homework.
205
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,041
Can I be done now?
206
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:22,377
Oh, no, there's a
lot more things
207
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:23,795
I need you to do for me.
208
00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:25,046
There are?
Like what?
209
00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:26,506
Well, now you
have to watch
210
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,882
An Officer and
a Gentlemen with me.
211
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:29,134
And that's it?
212
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:30,677
(laughs)
No.
213
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:32,303
At the end,
when Richard Gere
214
00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:34,139
carries Debra Winger
out of the paper mill,
215
00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:37,934
you have to read what's
on this index card.
216
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:41,688
(on TV): ♪ Love lift us
up where we belong... ♪
217
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,189
(crying)
218
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:45,025
That's going to be
you some day, Meg.
219
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,192
I know it will.
220
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:49,654
I just know it will.
221
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,575
Okay, Chris, I want
to wear contacts,
222
00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:54,826
but I'm too squeamish
to put them in myself,
223
00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:57,037
so you need to help me.
224
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,538
Really?
Is it that hard?
225
00:08:58,580 --> 00:08:59,831
My eyes are
too sensitive.
226
00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:01,082
It's like they
overreact or something.
227
00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,042
Okay.
228
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,047
Ah, what happened
to your eye?!
229
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,840
Don't worry about it.
Just put the lens in.
230
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,550
But where do I put it?
231
00:09:10,592 --> 00:09:11,551
The pupil's gone.
232
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,094
Your eye just looks
like a ping-pong ball.
233
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:14,721
I think it rolled
up into my head.
234
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,681
Look, just... just
do the other one.
235
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,726
(screaming)
236
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,187
You look like one of
those blind jazz guys.
237
00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:24,230
Where are you?
I can't see anything.
238
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,733
(screaming)
239
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:27,859
I don't like this.
240
00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:29,360
Just wear your
stupid glasses.
241
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,361
Chris, I'm blind.
242
00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,113
I'm sorry, Meg.
243
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:33,698
(crying)
244
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,373
What the hell
is all this?
245
00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:43,750
This is history, Brian.
246
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,251
A key moment in the
history of happiness.
247
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:46,586
Have a seat.
248
00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:48,880
(sighs)
249
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:53,218
(piano plays gently)
250
00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:56,096
♪ I cried a tear
251
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:59,766
♪ You wiped it dry
252
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:03,478
♪ I was confused
253
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:08,108
♪ You cleared my mind
254
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:11,778
♪ I sold my soul
255
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:14,781
♪ You bought it back for me
256
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:18,034
♪ And held me up
257
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:22,747
♪ And gave me dignity
258
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:25,500
♪ Somehow you needed me
259
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:29,420
♪ You gave me strength
260
00:10:29,504 --> 00:10:33,133
♪ To stand alone again
261
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:36,928
♪ To face the world
262
00:10:36,928 --> 00:10:40,640
♪ Out on my own again
263
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:44,269
♪ You put me high
264
00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:49,816
♪ Upon a pedestal
265
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:56,573
♪ So high that I could almost
see eternity ♪
266
00:10:56,573 --> 00:11:00,451
♪ You needed me
267
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:07,167
♪ You needed me...
268
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,210
(Song ends)
269
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:13,548
(sniffles)
270
00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:15,341
Some hardcore
(bleep), right?
271
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,218
Wow, thank you
for turning me on
272
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:18,720
to something
so amazing.
273
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,555
Hey, I'm just glad
you enjoyed it.
274
00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:21,681
And I'm sure
Buzz Lightyear
275
00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:24,976
would have enjoyed it if he
had bothered to show up.
276
00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:28,354
Hey, how would you like
to go to my apartment...
277
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:30,732
and beyond?
278
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:36,112
Okay, Meg,
I stood outside
279
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:38,114
Planned Parenthood
for 36 hours
280
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:39,240
and here are
the pictures
281
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,992
of every girl in
your class who went in.
282
00:11:40,992 --> 00:11:42,076
All right, good.
283
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,369
Now I want you
to call them
284
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:45,705
as if you're
their dead baby.
285
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,999
No way, that was the last
thing on your list.
286
00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:49,751
L-I can't do this anymore.
287
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:51,002
Well, you should've
thought of that
288
00:11:51,002 --> 00:11:52,754
before you stole money out
of Mom's purse.
289
00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:54,505
I own you.
290
00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:56,216
Now, here's my
post office key.
291
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,717
I need you to
go downtown
292
00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:58,885
and get the stuff
from my P.O. box.
293
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:00,511
You-you don't get
your mail here?
294
00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:02,722
No, I get a lot of
private correspondence
295
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:03,890
from the Netherlands.
296
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:05,016
Like what?
297
00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:06,142
Like, I'm part
of a group that
298
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,645
kind of trashes Anne
Frank's house every year.
299
00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,271
You know what?
No. That's it.
300
00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:13,399
I'm not-I'm not doing
any more of your crap, Meg.
301
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,901
Chris, don't you see?
You have no choice.
302
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:17,528
I'll just go tell Mom
and Dad about the money
303
00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,114
and they'll ground
your ass for a year.
304
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,741
I don't care, tell them.
305
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,034
'Cause I'm not even
going to be here.
306
00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:26,037
I'm going to run away and
no one will ever see me again.
307
00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:27,538
Good, go.
308
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:28,873
And who's even
going to miss you?
309
00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:29,916
You're just a
little thief.
310
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,918
Where you going, Chris?
311
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,378
Who are you going to turn to?
312
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:35,922
You don't even have any friends.
313
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,548
(doorbell rings)
314
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,550
Hi. I ran away from home.
315
00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:42,428
Do you mind if I live with you?
316
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,930
Live with me?
317
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,181
My goodness, I feel like
318
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:48,268
I want to pinch myself
to see if I'm dreaming.
319
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:52,897
Hot dog, it's real.
320
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:02,782
Mr. Herbert, it's 6:00,
I'm-I'm not really tired yet.
321
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,784
Well, you had those
three cups of Nyquil.
322
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,661
You'll be down
soon enough.
323
00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,830
Okay, good night,
Mr. Herbert.
324
00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:11,291
Sweet dreams, Chris.
325
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:18,923
Mr. Herbert, what's
life really all about?
326
00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:22,093
Well, I suppose it's
about trying new things;
327
00:13:22,093 --> 00:13:24,304
sampling the sweet
and the savory;
328
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,597
not being afraid
to take everything
329
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:29,475
life wants to
throw up on into ya.
330
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:30,601
Wow.
331
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:31,811
I never looked at it
like that before.
332
00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:33,313
Thanks, Mr. Herbert.
333
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:39,110
But don't you
think it's scary
334
00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:40,445
to try new things?
335
00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:42,238
No, Chris.
336
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:43,865
Life is like a
new baseball glove.
337
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,491
At first you think
338
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,243
you're never going to get
a ball in there.
339
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,620
But then you oil it up,
work your fingers
340
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,998
around in there a little,
and pretty soon
341
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:54,125
you're pitching and catching.
342
00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:56,461
I guess that
makes sense.
343
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:59,005
(farting)
344
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:00,965
CHRIS:
Sorry.
345
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:02,967
You really know how
to waste a Cialis,
346
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:05,011
don't you?
347
00:14:07,638 --> 00:14:09,140
ANNE MURRAY:
r The snowbird sings the song
348
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:11,976
I He always sings...
349
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:13,644
You know,
this is definitely
350
00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:15,021
a mystery song for me.
351
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:16,898
It's so upbeat,
but the lyrics are so dark.
352
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,649
I'm-I'm sorry, are we both
listening to "Snowbird,"
353
00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:20,485
as recorded by
Miss Anne Murray?
354
00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:21,527
Yeah, the woman
in the song
355
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:22,904
is trying to cope
with getting older
356
00:14:22,904 --> 00:14:24,155
and she feels
trapped because
357
00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:26,032
she knows she can't
do anything about it.
358
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,533
No, “O, no, no.
359
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,160
I mean, you're right that
she's feeling trapped,
360
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:30,536
but the message
is positive.
361
00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:31,871
It's about being trapped
in a bad relationship
362
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:34,165
and having the guts
to get out of it.
363
00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:35,917
No, no. See, what I hear,
is that the woman
364
00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:37,043
is starting to hate life.
365
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:39,879
You know the line, "Now I feel
such emptiness within"?
366
00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,672
Yeah, I know the song.
367
00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:42,882
Well, Anne Murray feels old.
368
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:43,883
And then, to make things worse,
369
00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:45,551
the snowbird comes
around every year,
370
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:47,428
bringing the snow, or "death,"
371
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,055
to remind her that no matter
what she does,
372
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:51,057
her fate's already written.
373
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:53,935
Brian, the snowbird has nothing
to do with time or fate.
374
00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:55,061
Well, I disagree.
375
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:56,396
Look, there's only one
way to settle this.
376
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:59,148
Only the artist knows the
true meaning of their art.
377
00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:02,193
Now, Ms. O'Keefe, the flowers
in your paintings,
378
00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:04,278
what do they represent?
379
00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:07,573
Oh, wow,
that's a really good question.
380
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,075
(sucks air)
381
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,952
La, la, la...
382
00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,078
(blathering)
383
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:14,705
Mm... (blathering)
384
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:17,083
(blowing raspberries)
385
00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:21,963
Oh, hi, Meg.
386
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:24,090
Could you tell Chris
breakfast is ready?
387
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:27,051
Oh, um, I-I-I think
he got up early.
388
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:29,554
He, um, said something
about a fat kid rally
389
00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:30,930
at Little Caesars.
390
00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:32,849
Huh, it's not like Chris
to miss breakfast.
391
00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:34,058
Oh, don't worry, Mom.
392
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:36,727
I... I'm sure
he'll be home later.
393
00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:37,937
Well, I hope so.
394
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:39,605
We were supposed
to go to the library
395
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:40,940
to wipe boogers
in fancy books.
396
00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:42,483
I like to wipe mine
in Bronte novels.
397
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:45,987
It's like a time bomb to
gross out lonely chicks.
398
00:15:45,987 --> 00:15:48,114
Oh, Heathcliff.
399
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:49,323
Oh, come on.
400
00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:51,993
I want so little.
401
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:57,248
Chris, what did you
do with my video tapes?
402
00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:59,959
I had a whole system.
403
00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:01,627
I was trying to find a
good movie to watch.
404
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:03,254
I've never even heard of
most of these.
405
00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:05,089
"Jeffrey at the Park."
406
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:07,467
"Mikey's Scoliosis Exam."
407
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:11,137
"Nephew Somersault Compilation."
408
00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:12,472
Well, even if you
never heard of them,
409
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:13,848
I assume you heard
of the alphabet.
410
00:16:13,848 --> 00:16:16,476
You want to explain to me how
"Sammy Popsicle"
411
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:19,645
comes before "Napping, Various"?
412
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:20,980
Geez, I'm sorry.
413
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,648
Well, can we
watch "Lost Boys"?
414
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:23,900
I've heard of that one.
415
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:27,236
Those... those are
different lost boys.
416
00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:34,368
(whistling "Snowbird")
417
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:35,620
Are you whistling
"Snowbird"?
418
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:36,913
Yeah.
419
00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:37,997
That's awesome.
420
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,291
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
why do you get to ring it?
421
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:41,667
Because I was
into her first.
422
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,669
(doorbell rings)
Let's flip for it, or...
423
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:44,795
I can't believe
you did that.
424
00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:46,297
I cannot believe
you just did that.
425
00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:47,507
(doorbell rings)
Will you stop it.
426
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,799
She's going to
think we're weird.
427
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:49,842
Hi. Can I help you?
428
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:50,843
Hi. Miss Murray.
429
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,136
My name's Brian Griffin.
430
00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:53,971
Uh, first of all,
I just want to tell you
431
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:55,640
what a huge fan I am.
432
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,141
Aw, that's very
sweet of you.
433
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,267
And I'm Stewie.
434
00:16:58,267 --> 00:17:01,145
I'm the one who sent
you the vibrators.
435
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:02,021
Well, I'm glad you
enjoy my music.
436
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,272
Would you like to come in?
437
00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:04,357
We'd love to.
438
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,025
Wow, nothing says success
439
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,361
like free on a Tuesday
at 3:00 p.m.
440
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,404
I'll get there.
441
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,157
So, Miss Murray,
the reason we came
442
00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:14,867
is that we have a question
about "Snowbird."
443
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,369
It's about
a relationship, right?
444
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,371
No, no, it's obviously
about the fear of growing old.
445
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,373
You know, I think
you're both kind of right.
446
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:21,999
I guess I always thought it was
about human limitation,
447
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,418
both mental and physical.
448
00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:27,880
Okay, that...
that just blew my face off.
449
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,173
Well, I hope
that helps.
450
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:31,175
It does. Thank you so much,
Miss Murray.
451
00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:32,176
This has been terrific.
452
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:33,386
Hey, uh, before we go,
453
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:34,679
do you mind if I
use your restroom?
454
00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:36,180
It was a long
drive up here.
455
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:38,558
No, go right ahead.
456
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,184
We should do something
without him sometime.
457
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:41,769
Do you like tapas?
458
00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:43,563
Someone invited me
out for that once.
459
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,189
I thought they said
topless, so I was like,
460
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:46,315
(high-pitch): what?
461
00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:47,400
That's a good story.
462
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,901
Hey, you know,
that was really cool
463
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,028
how you told us what
"Snowbird" was about.
464
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:52,280
Well, you know,
that's just the way
465
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,781
I always interpreted the song.
466
00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:55,199
But I suppose Gene probably
467
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:56,784
could have explained
it better than I.
468
00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:58,327
Who's Gene?
469
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,204
Gene MacLellan.
He wrote the song.
470
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:02,456
I see.
471
00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:04,417
But you wrote all
your other songs, right?
472
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,794
No, all of my songs were
written by other people.
473
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,296
As a singer,
I've been blessed
474
00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:10,715
to interpret the works of
many gifted, sensitive
475
00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:12,091
songwriters.
476
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,719
Oh.
477
00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:17,346
So, you're just
a big (bleep) liar?
478
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:18,431
Sit back down.
479
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,725
All right, come on, Stewie,
let's go home...
480
00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:22,310
(muffled grunts)
481
00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:23,936
Stewie, what the
hell are you doing?
482
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,229
She's a fraud, Brian.
A fraud!
483
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,856
She didn't write any
of her songs.
484
00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:28,733
Well, so, that's the case
with a lot of singers.
485
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,818
It's a very common
industry practice.
486
00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:32,987
Well, then you're all a bunch of
frauds, aren't you?
487
00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:34,864
A bunch of frauds and
charlatans.
488
00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:36,240
You want to be a puppet?
489
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,326
Then sing for your life,
puppet. Come on.
490
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:41,871
♪ Spread your tiny wings
and fly away! ♪
491
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:46,375
(muffled singing)
492
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:48,127
Come on, Anne, sing along.
493
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,254
You know it. You didn't write
it, but you know it, bitch.
494
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:54,467
STEWIE AND ANNE: ♪ The one
I love forever is untrue ♪
495
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:59,263
♪ And if I could you know that
I would fly away with you. ♪
496
00:19:02,266 --> 00:19:04,268
Hey, Meg, you here for the
expired hot dogs?
497
00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:06,395
No, Carl, I'm
looking for Chris.
498
00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:08,356
I've looked everywhere
and I can't find him.
499
00:19:08,356 --> 00:19:10,983
Uh, I haven't seen him but
I'll keep an eye out.
500
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,276
(knocking on glass)
501
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:14,779
Hey, bozos, what do
you think of this?
502
00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:17,281
(laughing):
I did, I did it!
503
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:18,366
You're crazy man.
504
00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:20,159
You're so crazy.
505
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:24,664
(gunfire, men shouting on TV)
506
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,874
I thought I told you
to clean up in here?
507
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,292
And why aren't
you dressed?
508
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:29,669
We're supposed
to have dinner
509
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,420
with Judge
Maynard and Timmy.
510
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,297
Yeah, okay, as soon
as I finish this level.
511
00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:34,799
No, get your coat on.
512
00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:37,301
It's a three-hour
drive to that cabin.
513
00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:39,011
Can't you just
cook something here?
514
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,179
Excuse me?
515
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,931
I am not going
to cook you dinner
516
00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:43,683
while you sit here
in your own mess
517
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,309
playing your TV games.
518
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,520
Oh-ho,
and the martyr returns.
519
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:52,525
Chris, I... I think
it's time for you to go.
520
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,026
Okay, I'll go.
521
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,444
But I want you to know,
522
00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:57,321
I faked all
my light-headedness.
523
00:19:57,321 --> 00:19:58,948
Mm, good Kool-Aid.
524
00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:01,409
Whoa, whoa.
525
00:20:01,409 --> 00:20:02,910
Sound familiar?
526
00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:07,331
Oh, my God, Chris.
527
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:08,332
Oh, there you are.
528
00:20:08,332 --> 00:20:10,042
I've been looking all
over for you.
529
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,712
Why? You want to humiliate
me with more slave work?
530
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:16,340
No, I...
I wanted to apologize.
531
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:18,217
I should've never
blackmailed you.
532
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,719
I'm really sorry.
533
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:22,221
And I want you
to come home.
534
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,056
I thought you said no
one would miss me?
535
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,559
I said a lot of stupid
things I didn't mean, Chris.
536
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,436
But I miss you.
537
00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:31,188
Thanks, Meg.
I miss you, too.
538
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:33,065
You know,
living in that family,
539
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,358
we both have
pretty crappy lives.
540
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,943
And if we're
going to survive it,
541
00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:37,361
we can't turn on each other.
542
00:20:37,361 --> 00:20:39,071
We're all we have.
543
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,364
I know.
544
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,366
I'll never do anything
like that again.
545
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:44,076
Do you think you can
ever forgive me?
546
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:46,245
Yeah, I forgive you.
547
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,205
(engine starting)
548
00:20:50,374 --> 00:20:51,375
(tires squealing)
549
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,384
(crying)
550
00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:01,886
We broke up.
551
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:08,392
♪ Spread your tiny wings
and fly away ♪
552
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:10,519
♪ And take the snow
back with you ♪
553
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:14,398
♪ Where it came
from on that day ♪
554
00:21:14,398 --> 00:21:18,736
♪ The one I love
forever is untrue ♪
555
00:21:18,736 --> 00:21:24,283
♪ And if I could you know that I
would fly away with you ♪
556
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:29,789
♪ Yeah, if I could you know that
I would fly-i-i-i-i ♪
557
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:33,501
♪ Away with you.