♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪
♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪
♪♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪♪
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪♪
♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪
♪♪ He's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪
So, uh... tell me about yourself, Tina.
Well, I really love music.
Oh, God. Me, too.
You know, I just saw Don Giovanni.
In my opinion, the best opera of the 18th century.
Definitely.
And the use of recitative throughout...
Mozart was a genius.
Oh, yeah, reci-ta-teev is really, you know, where it's at.
Sir, are we ready to order?
Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.
You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
Sure, I do.
Opera is bitchin'!
Um... okay, I guess I'll have the es-car-got
and a glass of cha-bliss.
( sighs ): Same here.
Es-car-got and the cha-bliss.
( playing scales )
Don't dawdle, Jonas.
Play your exercises.
Brian, you're home early.
What happened with your date?
Same thing that always happens.
She was an idiot.
Oh, Brian.
Don't slow down, Jonas.
Keep the rhythm.
♪♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪♪
( singing with scale : ♪♪ Brian, your standards are ridiculously high. ♪♪
♪♪ You'll never find a girl ♪♪
♪♪ Unless you're willing ♪♪
♪♪ To make exceptions and compromise ♪♪
♪♪ So you can find your love. ♪♪
♪♪ Lois, I don't think I have to compromise a thing. ♪♪
♪♪ I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't get me. ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, and how long has the coffee ♪♪
♪♪ Been on the burner in the kitchen? ♪♪
♪♪ I could really use a cup about now. ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, it's not very fresh. ♪♪
♪♪ You see, I meant to make more ♪♪
♪♪ But I made the mistake ♪♪
♪♪ Of getting caught up watching Oprah. ♪♪
♪♪ She had on James Garner. ♪♪
♪♪ James Garner? What's he plugging? ♪♪
♪♪ I don't know, some crappy movie on TNT. ♪♪
Very good, Jonas.
I'll see you next week.
So what is it, Brian?
You don't think these women understand you?
You know, Lois, I'm really not comfortable
talking about this a-melodically.
Peter, I was wondering if you could...
Shh! Hang on a second, Lois.
And now back to The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams.
Um... Grizzly... who's Steve?
What?
There's a message on the machine
from somebody named Steve.
Oh, yeah. Steve.
Um... he's, uh... new to the mountain.
I met him down at the general store.
He makes canoes.
Oh.
How come I've never met him?
Mmm... He hasn't really been here that long.
Long enough to get your number!
Ben... Ben!
Damn it.
Look at that Grizzly Adams, huh?
Look at how confident he is-- how majestic.
Lois, I'm going to grow a beard.
Oh, Peter, you know I hate beards.
No, no, Lois.
It's time I joined the ranks of great men with beards.
Why do you think Jesus Christ was so popular? Huh?
'Cause... 'cause of all them magic tricks?
Listen, Brian's very depressed.
Could you and the guys take him with you
to the laser rock show tonight?
Sure. If there's one thing I'm good at doing
it's cheering people up.
Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey
Jon-Benet's untimely death is a tragedy
and I will not rest until I find her killer.
Or killers.
Oh, really, don't... don't bother.
Nothing's going to bring our baby back.
No, no, no. I insist.
I will make it my life's work to find out...
We're fine! Just drop it!
MAN: The next laser rock show will begin in 20 minutes.
You hear that, Brian?
A laser rock show!
Come on. Cheer up, would you?
Aw, I don't much feel like it.
Binary code is the language of computers
in which words are translated
into sequences of zeros and ones.
Anything at all can be expressed in binary
as we demonstrate in this famous scene from The Miracle Worker.
Zero-one-one-zero. One-zero-zero-one.
( speaking gibberish )
Zero-one-one-zero. One-zero-zero-one.
Zero-one! Zero-one!
What? You don't think this is amazing?
When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair
I nearly crapped my pants!
All right! Virtual reality!
Whoa! You guys got to try this!
Hey, look at me!
I'm a pole in a strip club!
Oh! It's show time!
Uh... Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh! Oh! Hey, stop!
False alarm!
Oh, my God! I'm... I'm flying!
I'm flying!
Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite.
♪♪ One is the loneliest number ♪♪
♪♪ That you'll ever do ♪♪
♪♪ Two can be as bad as one ♪♪
♪♪ It's the loneliest number since the number one. ♪♪
You are a filthy whore.
( sighs )
Okay, Johnny Depp or Richard Grieco?
Oh, that's gross!
Yeah. Let's not do this.
Come on. If you're secure in your masculinity
you can answer a simple hypothetical.
All right, Johnny Depp
'cause he kind of looks like a chick, I guess.
What about you, Peter?
Oh, man. Uh... uh... well, I don't know.
Richard Grieco would probably appreciate you more.
You know, not take you for granted.
I mean, with Johnny Depp, it's like...
it's like he wouldn't really need you, you know?
He'd probably sneak out after you fell asleep.
Of course, with Johnny
you'd get the financial security.
I... I'd go with Johnny.
( siren wailing )
Oh, great.
Brian.
Uh... hey, Joe. How's it going?
Pretty good.
You were doing a little swerving back there.
Yeah. Yeah, well, you know
me and the boys were just, uh...
Whoa! You're off the meter, Brian!
You're under arrest.
Oh, come on.
Move it!
Are one of you guys all right to drive?
Um... yeah. I can do it.
( cans clattering )
Great. I'll met you at the Drunken Clam.
We'll tie one on.
I'm very disappointed in you.
God! A DUI.
I can't believe this.
I could actually go to jail.
It's okay, Brian.
You'll get through this DUI
and you'll be a better person for it.
Now, hold on a minute!
Don't disguise his alcohol dependence
as a ticket to self-realization.
Look, you're not one to talk.
You remember that time I gave you apple juice
and told you it was wine?
I think you are a special person.
Thanks.
No, now, come on.
I'm... I'm being... I'm being serious.
I'm going to be serious here for... for a second.
Are you... are you going... are you going to listen to me?
Are you going to listen to me so...
so I can tell you that I respect you?
( drunken laughter )
Now, Brian, I know this is a bad time for you.
And if I have any advice to give you
it is this: grow a beard.
Peter, I wish you'd shave that thing.
Beards are so ugly.
Hey!
Oh, relax, Wooly Willy.
There's lots of fun things you can do with that.
There we go.
Thanks.
On the charge of driving
under the influence, this court finds you guilty.
( gasps )
Yes! Good call!
Churn the butter! Ooh-ooh!
( sighs )
In lieu of jail time
I sentence you to 100 hours of community service.
Next item.
Dearly beloved
we are gathered here to join these two
in holy matrimony.
If anyone objects to this union
speak now or forever hold your peace.
Quiet down.
You had your chance.
So what do you have to do for your community service?
I got assigned to the Outreach to the Elderly Program.
I got to take care of some old woman
who hasn't been out of her house in 30 years.
When I got caught at school
with my hand down my pants
I had to keep it there for a whole week.
Ha! What a week!
I guess taking care of this old woman
will be just like baby-sitting, only with bigger diapers.
Aha! So they do make bigger diapers!
That deceitful woman told me
I'd have to learn to use the toilet!
Well, fie on the toilet!
It's made slaves of you all.
I've seen it sitting in there:
lazy, slothful, porcelain layabout
feeding on other people's doo-doos
while contributing nothing of its own to society.
You get a job!
( doorbell rings )
Uh... Pearl Burton?
Uh... my name's Brian.
I'm here from the Outreach to the Elderly Program.
You're late.
( many locks clicking )
Ah! What the hell is this?
Delousing powder.
Everyone on the outside is filthy.
You could have given me some warning.
Here's your warning.
It's going to burn like hell in 30 seconds.
Now, I like my tea at 4:00 and my dinner at 6:00.
And I take my bath at 7:00 sharp
so I can listen to Paul Harvey.
You will warm up my bathwater
with quick bursts from the faucet
during commercials only.
It'll take you a while to get the rhythm.
Paul Harvey moves seamlessly into commercials.
By the way, it's been 30 seconds.
( screaming )
Peter, stop scratching that thing.
I can't. It's itching like crazy.
Dad, can I scratch your beard?
Have you finished your homework?
Yes.
Okay, then.
( laughing )
Brian, you've been awfully quiet.
Is the community service not going that well?
Oh, Lois, it's horrible.
I was cleaning her house all day.
It's the worst job I've ever had.
Well, except for one.
Uh... excuse me.
Would you like to taste my smoked meat log?
Here you go.
Enjoy your food.
Enjoy your studio apartment.
Peter, you got a little something right here.
Where? Here?
No, no, no. Other side.
Over here? Left side, Peter.
Your other left side, Peter.
Up a little. Do I have it?
Is it gone? Up a little.
Now go down. Is it gone?
( screaming ): Oh, my God!
Is it gone?
Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!
Hold still! Hold still!
Wait! Don't touch that bird!
What's it to you, pal?
I'm Dr. Goodman of the Quahog Ornithological Society
ironically dining in a restaurant
that exclusively serves poultry.
Doctor, what is this?
Oh, it's a very rare species:
the endangered White-Rumped Swallow.
( giggling ): Rump.
This isn't funny, Chris!
( giggling ): Swallow.
Look, just get rid of this bird, all right?!
Unfortunately, I can't do that.
Once the swallow has chosen its nesting place
it's illegal to disturb it.
But he can't walk around with a bird in his beard.
I'm sorry. You have to wait
until the bird departs of its own accord
or you'll be prosecuted
to the full extent of the law.
Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff.
It's great to learn.
ALL: 'Cause knowledge is power!
What is this? Spit soup?
Tomato bisque.
What is this? Snot soup?
Tomato bisque.
What is this? Diarrhea soup?
I'm not making you anything else
so just eat it. All right?
Fine. Then I'll have to call the judge
and that means you'll go to jail!
You're one phone call away
from getting a human booster shot from a guy named Molly.
( sighs )
( crunching )
-Damn it all! -Shh!
-Shh!
-Sorry. Sorry. -( bird squawking )
Shut up!
Keep it down!
There's nothing I can do, all right?
Take it outside, pal!
Look, it's an endangered species!
What am I supposed to do?
I'll make you an endangered species!
Oh, oh, good comeback, Potsie!
I'll kick your ass, that's what I'll do!
( all clamoring )
Look, everybody just shut up!
He has stopped squawking.
He's receded into my beard.
We can all watch the movie!
Shut up!
Eric, if you're in here
we're all going to Marty's after the movie.
Oh, I love you so much.
I love you, too, honey.
( squawking )
What's wrong?
( squawking and screaming )
That's it! You're history, pal!
No bird Frenches my wife
and gets away with it!
PEARL: Help! Help! I've broken my hip!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Brian!
5.3 seconds.
I could have been dead by now!
What, you mean you're not...
I heard you drop that lightbulb, too.
That'll be 67 cents.
Now, go warm me up some of that diarrhea soup!
That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag!
Y-You're just a-a miserable, dried-up shut-in
trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do.
Why don't you do the world a big favor and drop dead!
Uh, this last one won't open.
You got to jiggle it a little bit.
Like... like this?
Nah, here, let me get it.
Oh, thanks.
And, uh, and, you know, drop dead.
( loud rock playing )
Get out of my beard, you squawking bastard!
( sighing ): Nothing.
Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.
Oh, my God! Peter, no!
( both grunting )
Lois, the bird must die!
( both grunting )
It's gone! It's gone! Oh, thank God!
-( chirping ) -Peter, what's that sound?
Oh, my God, they're babies.
Hey, look, Lois--
there are three of them-- just like ours.
And, uh...
Sweet!
We now return to E!'s Mysteries and Scandals:
"Pearl Burton, the Jingle Queen."
Pearl?
I'm A.J. Benza.
You won't find Pearl Burton's name
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
yet from 1945 to 1960
you couldn't turn on a radio or television
without hearing one of her trademark jingles.
♪♪ You're only healthy when you're tan ♪♪
♪♪ So soak up all the sun you can ♪♪
♪♪ With copper Coppertone! ♪
BENZA:At her peak, Pearl Burton earned 26 grand a year
which by today's standards
would be just under $49 billion.
Brian, she's beautiful.
Yeah, and-and that voice-- I... I had no idea.
BENZA: In 1961, Pearl used an appearance at Carnegie Hall
to make the leap from jingle singer to artist.
( singing aria from Carmen a cappella )
That's "Habanera" from Carmen.
I've never heard it sung so beautifully.
Sing Coppertone!
Yeah, Coppertone!
Do Doan's Pills!
Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder!
( audience booing and shouting requests )
No one has seen Pearl Burton
since that fateful night over 30 years ago.
She's presumed dead.
My God. And I said all those awful things to her.
( gasping : Pearl!
Come on, Pearl, don't do this!
You should be happy.
I'm taking your advice and doing the world a big favor.
Now, move! Your fur is making my feet sweat.
Pearl, listen to me. I heard you sing.
It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life.
Oh, sure, warbling for Vicks VapoRub and Dippity Do.
No, no, Pearl, I mean...
Oh, stop trying to talk me out of it.
I'm a pathetic sellout.
No one who sings Carmen like you is pathetic.
What?
I-I heard you sing "Habanera."
You were sublime.
You... you liked my aria?
I was overwhelmed.
You're the first person
who ever complimented my "Habanera."
Thank you.
Well, I'd, uh, I'd better get going.
I'll, uh... I'll see you tomorrow.
But you're not scheduled tomorrow.
I know.
( soft grunting )
"And then the cow came out of the barn."
See? See? Look-- there's the cow.
Now, what does a cow say?
( chirping ) Yes, yes that's right--
a cow says peep, peep, peep, peep.
You know, Peter, they're getting awfully big. So?
So every good mother knows
when it's time for her babies to leave the nest.
Hey, they're free to go anytime they want.
Aah!
Fine, I'll let them go.
( operatic singing )
Pearl, do you rent or own?
Own what?
Those wings, you angel.
That was fantastic.
That was so incredible!
So, what do you want for dinner?
I was thinking about making us that lamb and rice you love.
You know, Pearl, what I'd really like for dinner
is, uh, to go out.
Brian, you know I can't do that.
I haven't left this house in such a long time.
I'm afraid.
I know, but I'll be with you.
I don't know...
Come on, Pearl, there's so much you've missed
in the last 30 years.
In fact, allow me to fill you in.
♪♪ The 60s brought ♪♪
♪♪ The hippie breed ♪♪
♪♪ And decades later, things have changed indeed ♪♪
♪♪ We lost the values ♪♪
♪♪ But we kept the weed ♪♪
♪♪ You've got a lot to see ♪♪
♪♪ The Reagan years ♪♪
♪♪ Have laid the frame ♪♪
♪♪ For movie stars to play the White House game ♪
♪♪ We're not too far from voting Feldman/Haim ♪
♪♪ You've got a lot to see ♪♪
♪♪ The town of Vegas ♪♪
♪♪ Has got a different face ♪♪
♪♪ 'Cause it's a family place ♪♪
♪♪ With lots to do ♪♪
♪♪ Where in the '50s ♪♪
♪♪ A man could mingle with scores ♪♪
♪♪ Of all the seediest whores ♪♪
♪♪ Well, now his children can, too! ♪♪
♪♪ You heard it from ♪♪
♪♪ The canine's mouth ♪♪
♪♪ The country's changed ♪♪
♪♪ That is, except the South ♪♪
♪♪ And you'll agree ♪♪
♪♪ No one really knows, my dear lady friend ♪♪
♪♪ Just quite how it all will end ♪♪
♪♪ So hurry 'cause you've got a lot to see ♪♪
♪♪ The baldness gene ♪♪
♪♪ Was cause for dread ♪♪
♪♪ But that's a fear that you can put to bed ♪♪
♪♪ They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head ♪♪
♪♪ You've got a lot to see ♪♪
♪♪ The PC age ♪♪
♪♪ Has moved the bar ♪♪
♪♪ A word like "redneck" is a step too far ♪♪
♪♪ The proper term is "country music star" ♪♪
♪♪ You've got a lot to see ♪♪
♪♪ Our flashy cell phones ♪♪
♪♪ Make people mumble, "Gee whiz ♪♪
♪♪ "Look how important he is ♪♪
♪♪ His life must rule" ♪♪
♪♪ You'll get a tumor ♪♪
♪♪ But on your surgery day ♪♪
♪♪ The doc will see it and say ♪♪
♪♪ "Wow, you must really be cool" ♪♪
There's lots of things you may have missed.
Like Peewee and his famous wrist.
Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye.
That awesome Thundercats cartoon.
Neil Armstrong landing on the moon.
Neil Armstrong? Wait, was he the trumpet guy?
♪♪ So let's go see ♪♪
♪♪ The USA ♪♪
♪♪ They'll treat you right unless you're black or gay ♪♪
♪♪ Or Cherokee ♪♪
♪♪ But you can forgive the world and its flaws ♪♪
♪♪ And follow me there because ♪♪
♪♪ You've still got a hell of a lot ♪♪
♪♪ To see ♪♪
♪♪ You've got a lot to see! ♪♪
Brian, I've missed so much!
I wouldn't be standing here right now if it wasn't for you!
( gasps )
She's right in here, sir.
Just tell the disorderly when you're ready to leave.
Uh, don't you mean the orderly?
No, I mean the disorderly.
That's a little doctor joke we like to make around here.
We also like Kevin Pollak.
Oh, my God, Pearl...
Brian, I don't have much time.
God, I never should've made you leave the house.
This is all my fault.
Shh-shh-shh. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Aside from the truck part
this was the best day of my life.
I only wish we could have a little more time together.
We can.
Good-bye, kids.
( steady tone )
Good-bye, Pearl.
Hey! Who wants to see a dead body?
Rough week, eh?
I've seen better.
Hey, Brian, looks like somebody's checking you out.
No, I'm... I'm not ready yet.
Hey, you're getting some looks yourself.
Eh, I-I'm not ready, either.