1
00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:06,215
I don't want to go
on a rant here

2
00:00:06,298 --> 00:00:09,176
but America's foreign policy
makes about as much sense

3
00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:11,553
as Beowulf having sex
with Robert Fulton

4
00:00:11,637 --> 00:00:13,472
at the First Battle of Antietam.

5
00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:16,225
I mean, when a neoconservative
defenestrates

6
00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:19,770
it's like Raskolnikov
filibuster deoxymonohydroxynate.

7
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,480
What the hell does "rant" mean?

8
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,317
♪♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪♪

9
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,904
♪♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪♪

10
00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:32,074
♪♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪♪

11
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:35,494
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪

12
00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:38,914
♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪

13
00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:42,251
♪♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪♪

14
00:00:42,334 --> 00:00:43,752
♪♪ All the things
that make us ♪♪

15
00:00:43,836 --> 00:00:45,504
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪

16
00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:50,634
♪♪ He's...
a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪

17
00:00:58,141 --> 00:00:59,852
Go, Dust Mites!

18
00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:02,020
I wish they'd put
Chris in already.

19
00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:04,147
Peter, relax.
It's his first game.

20
00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:07,776
Griffin, get in there.

21
00:01:07,860 --> 00:01:08,861
Oh, they're
sending him in.

22
00:01:08,944 --> 00:01:10,028
Yay, Chris!

23
00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:11,113
Attaboy Chris!

24
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,826
Oh, yeah, that's
my son out there.

25
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,286
I taught him
how to wipe.

26
00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:19,037
Why won't you teach
me how to wipe, Dad?

27
00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:20,622
Because you don't
have a bottom, son.

28
00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:21,748
Aw...

29
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:25,586
Yeah, man, you and
that towel are representin'.

30
00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:27,504
Yo, that sweat's
just frontin', G.

31
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:31,258
Ladies and gentlemen, the Buddy
Cianci Junior High Cheerleaders.

32
00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:32,509
Is everybody pumped up?!

33
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:33,594
Yeah!

34
00:01:33,677 --> 00:01:35,804
Give me a D-U-S-T!

35
00:01:35,888 --> 00:01:37,639
D-U-S-T!

36
00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:39,224
M-I-T-E-S!

37
00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:41,185
M-I-T-E-S!

38
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:42,311
What does that spell?!

39
00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:43,395
Dust Mites!

40
00:01:43,478 --> 00:01:44,688
Who's going to win this game?!

41
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:45,772
Dust Mites!

42
00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:49,443
My God, what...
what just happened to me?

43
00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:51,111
It's those sirens.

44
00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:54,114
They had us all completely
under their spell

45
00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:55,991
like that hypnotist
at the airport Hilton.

46
00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:01,288
And... three!

47
00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:03,916
Wow. Were we
just hypnotized?

48
00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:06,627
That's incredible.
I don't remember a thing.

49
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:07,920
Why do I taste crotch?

50
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:12,633
I must unlock the secret
to their mind-control powers.

51
00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,426
Lois, can we go now?
I'm starving.

52
00:02:14,510 --> 00:02:16,011
The game's
almost over, Peter.

53
00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:17,846
Try to think
about something else.

54
00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:55,133
Ah...

55
00:02:56,093 --> 00:02:57,094
Peter!

56
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,387
Oh, sorry.

57
00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,097
Hey nice job out
there tonight, Chris.

58
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,807
You wiped the floor
with that towel.

59
00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:03,100
Yo, did y'all check me

60
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,185
when that hottie
was all up in my Kool-Aid?

61
00:03:05,269 --> 00:03:07,855
Yeah, I was looking to break off
a little somethin' somethin'

62
00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:09,815
but my crew gave me
the 411 on that skank

63
00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:11,733
and she's all
about the bling-bling.

64
00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:13,652
Peter, what's wrong?

65
00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:15,404
He's speaking in
tongues, Lois.

66
00:03:15,487 --> 00:03:16,488
Our son is possessed.

67
00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:17,698
Meg, start at Psalm 41

68
00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:19,575
and don't stop reading
till I tell you.

69
00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:21,743
The power of Christ
compels you.

70
00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:22,828
( shrieking )

71
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,204
The power of Christ
compels you.

72
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:25,330
( shrieking )

73
00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:26,415
Peter, stop.

74
00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:27,624
He's not possessed.

75
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,334
Yeah, he's just talking street.

76
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:30,419
Lots of kids do it.

77
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:32,713
Oh. Well, that's
kind of weird.

78
00:03:32,796 --> 00:03:33,964
Pete, that's
just a phase.

79
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,174
You've gone through

80
00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:36,341
a few yourself,
you know.

81
00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:37,634
Yeah, like
those two weeks

82
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,136
you spent
narrating your own life.

83
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:42,097
I walked into the kitchen
and sat down at the table.

84
00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:44,516
I looked with a grimace
at the questionable meal

85
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,059
Lois had placed
in front of me.

86
00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:48,854
Of course, I'd never tell
her how disgusted I was

87
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:51,273
with her cooking, but
somehow, I think she knew.

88
00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:53,734
Lois had always been full
of energy and life

89
00:03:53,817 --> 00:03:56,653
but lately I had
begun to grow more aware of her aging.

90
00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:57,863
The bright,
exuberant eyes

91
00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:59,573
that I had fallen
in love with

92
00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:01,742
were now beginning to
grow dull and listless

93
00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:03,785
with the long fatigue
of a weary life.

94
00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:09,791
I awoke several hours
later in a daze.

95
00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:15,297
♪♪ I was brought up on the
street, no moms and dads ♪♪

96
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,883
♪♪ I had to fend for myself
with my own two hands ♪♪

97
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:20,135
♪♪ But today I'm hurtin'
and I'll tell you why ♪♪

98
00:04:20,219 --> 00:04:21,553
♪♪ I got a hangnail ♪♪
♪♪ Hangnail! ♪♪

99
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:23,055
♪♪ Hanging from my cuticle,
a hangnail ♪♪

100
00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:24,139
♪♪ Hangnail! ♪♪

101
00:04:24,223 --> 00:04:25,224
♪♪ It ain't beautiful ♪♪

102
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,808
♪♪ It hurts like a bitch ♪♪

103
00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:28,060
♪♪ That I did last night ♪♪

104
00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:29,561
Hey, Chris,
whatcha doing?

105
00:04:29,645 --> 00:04:30,938
Just layin' back
in da cut

106
00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:32,606
peepin' at this
here homey.

107
00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:34,358
Yo, Pops, me have
some cheddar?

108
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:35,609
Some player haters

109
00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:36,944
be throwin' salt
in my game

110
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,362
grillin' me
over my gear

111
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:40,155
and I needs to
be mackin' style.

112
00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:41,406
Well, uh...

113
00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:45,077
the important thing is
you tried, son.

114
00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:48,455
There they are. Very well.

115
00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:50,332
And now to infiltrate this coven

116
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:52,459
and learn
their mind-control secrets

117
00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:54,461
I just need
to get their attention.

118
00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:56,797
Okay, that was
much better

119
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,174
but it still sucked worse
than anything I've ever seen.

120
00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:00,801
What's wrong
with you guys?

121
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,704
Oh, look how
cute he is.

122
00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:31,123
He must be one
of the teachers' babies.

123
00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:33,709
Oh, he wants to be
a cheerleader, too.

124
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:35,878
My, so it's that easy
to win you over.

125
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,838
Oh, consider
yourselves lucky

126
00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:39,506
I'm not after
your gully-holes.

127
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,135
And, and, and then
Chris starts in

128
00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:44,386
with all this
"yo-yo-yo" stuff

129
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:45,679
and I-I don't know

130
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,055
what the hell
he's talking about.

131
00:05:47,139 --> 00:05:48,891
So I started
beating him with a hose

132
00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,809
then my arm got tired
and so I came here.

133
00:05:50,893 --> 00:05:52,603
Peter, perhaps
Chris has adopted

134
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,146
another culture's
mannerisms

135
00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:56,940
because he doesn't know
enough about his own.

136
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,400
Aw, gee,
I never thought of that.

137
00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:01,153
Hey, you know, I should teach
Chris about his Irish roots.

138
00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:03,030
Besides, we haven't
spent any time together

139
00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:04,406
since we played Operation.

140
00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:06,909
I'm going
for the funny bone, Dad.

141
00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:08,243
Oh, you touched
the sides.

142
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:09,578
Aw, geez,
he's waking up.

143
00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:11,914
Quick, let's get him
back to the bus station.

144
00:06:13,749 --> 00:06:15,292
Dad, I don't
want to be here.

145
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,252
I want to be chillin'
with my homeys.

146
00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:18,712
Now, Chris,
it's important

147
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,631
you learn about
your Irish heritage.

148
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:33,352
( praying )

149
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:34,937
( crying )

150
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,522
( praying )

151
00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:38,607
( crying )

152
00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:40,943
Ancient archaeological
evidence indicates

153
00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:42,986
that Ireland was a
much different place

154
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,988
before the discovery
of alcohol.

155
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:47,699
Most experts believe it
was something like this.

156
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,956
Gentlemen, today we,
Ireland's top scientists

157
00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:55,707
have found a way
to convert

158
00:06:55,791 --> 00:06:57,709
our entire population
to pure energy.

159
00:06:57,793 --> 00:06:59,253
Oh, it's a
glorious day.

160
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:00,546
It's a glorious day.

161
00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,130
Hey, Michael McLeod's
just invented

162
00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:04,550
a new kind of beverage
in his basement.

163
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,385
Hmm. Whiskey.

164
00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:10,889
( laughing, shrieking )

165
00:07:17,229 --> 00:07:19,314
You were right, Dad.
Being Irish rocks.

166
00:07:19,398 --> 00:07:20,816
That's more like it, son.

167
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,401
Now, today
we're going to learn

168
00:07:22,484 --> 00:07:24,194
about the Griffin
family history.

169
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:25,571
What's a library, Dad?

170
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:27,948
Oh, it's just a place
where homeless people

171
00:07:28,031 --> 00:07:29,491
come to shave
and go B.M.

172
00:07:29,575 --> 00:07:30,742
Let's go inside.

173
00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:35,664
Look, Dad, I found this
book on our genealogy.

174
00:07:35,747 --> 00:07:36,999
Huh. Way to go, son.

175
00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,667
Hey, look, here's a picture

176
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:41,336
of your great-great-
granddad, Osias Griffin.

177
00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:43,964
He owned one of the
first dozen telephones.

178
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:45,090
( phone ringing )

179
00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:46,175
Hello?

180
00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:47,259
Hello, Jonathan?

181
00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:48,927
No, what number are you calling?

182
00:07:49,011 --> 00:07:50,012
Seven.
Well, this is three.

183
00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:51,346
Oh, sorry.

184
00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:53,307
And his great-grandpa

185
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:55,684
was Thomas Griffin,
a great philosopher.

186
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:56,894
Thomas, would
you please

187
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,604
go look for a job.

188
00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,731
Why?

189
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:01,899
Wow! That's cool.

190
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,692
Go back even further, Dad.

191
00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:05,611
Okay, settle down, spaz.

192
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:09,615
"In 1840, Nathaniel 'Nate'
Griffin used to groom horses."

193
00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:10,866
What the hell...?

194
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:15,954
Holy crap, I'm black.

195
00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:21,543
But I... I...
I can't be black.

196
00:08:21,627 --> 00:08:23,253
I got to say, Peter

197
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,839
the man in this book does
look an awful lot like you.

198
00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:27,841
The Diary of Nate Griffin.

199
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:30,052
"May 7, 1836.

200
00:08:30,135 --> 00:08:32,804
"I was brushing down Lucy,
the new colt

201
00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:35,724
"when she let out a fart
right near my face.

202
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:38,560
"So I took her head
and stuck it by my butt

203
00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:41,188
and blew a huge fart
right back at her."

204
00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:42,481
( laughing )

205
00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:44,358
Oh, uh...
that laugh's in here, too.

206
00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:45,776
See? "Hehehehehehehe."

207
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,528
Wow. Then it's true.

208
00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:50,072
Cool! I get
to be black and Irish!

209
00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:52,032
Yeah, and now I can wear clothes

210
00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:53,909
that actually show off
my big butt!

211
00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:55,077
Oh, I got
to tell Bonnie

212
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,912
I'm sleeping
with a black man!

213
00:08:58,497 --> 00:09:00,541
Oh, my God!
Update! Exclaim!

214
00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:03,043
Scott Martin just
asked me out again.

215
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,837
Oh, my God, this
is date number three!

216
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,964
Are you going to let
him get to second base?

217
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,132
I think that
would be a bad idea

218
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,802
and I know something
about bad ideas.

219
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,595
I'm...
I'm telling you, Juice

220
00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:15,931
she's screwing around
behind your back.

221
00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:18,308
And, if I were
in your Bruno Maglis

222
00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:19,810
I wouldn't stand for it.

223
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:20,894
Another mai tai.

224
00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:22,187
Thanks.

225
00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:24,606
So, listen...

226
00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:25,858
Here comes Scott.

227
00:09:25,941 --> 00:09:27,442
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

228
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,239
( laughing )

229
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:35,492
Have yet to discover the secret
of their mind-control powers.

230
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,995
Also, trying to comprehend
their obsession

231
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,913
with the homosexuals
from 'N Sync.

232
00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,126
Hey, uh, Cleveland,
you got a minute?

233
00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:45,711
I really need
to talk to you.

234
00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:47,546
Sure, I was just
going for a ride.

235
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,131
Hop on.

236
00:09:51,383 --> 00:09:53,677
So, I found out
I have a black ancestor.

237
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,137
Is that right?

238
00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:56,513
Well, that's
fantastic, Peter.

239
00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:57,806
Yeah, but see,
the problem is

240
00:09:57,890 --> 00:09:59,975
I, I, I got no idea
how to be black.

241
00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:03,020
Except for not smiling when
I get my picture taken.

242
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,938
Well, Peter, it sounds like

243
00:10:05,022 --> 00:10:06,899
you should go out and commingle

244
00:10:06,982 --> 00:10:09,067
amongst your newly found
brethren.

245
00:10:09,151 --> 00:10:11,111
You know, absorb the culture.

246
00:10:11,195 --> 00:10:12,946
Wheelie time!

247
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:14,865
Yee-haw!
Aah!

248
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,742
You know, you're
right, Cleveland.

249
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,493
I should be hanging
around more black people like myself.

250
00:10:18,577 --> 00:10:19,578
Thanks.

251
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:22,915
( motorcycle idling loudly)

252
00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:24,416
Hey, Peter, what the...

253
00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:25,626
It's the vibration.

254
00:10:27,336 --> 00:10:29,379
Who here used to wear
a lot of Jherri Curl?

255
00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:31,507
Yeah, that's right.

256
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,675
Y'all know that
Exxon Valdez thing?

257
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,469
That ain't how it happened.

258
00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:37,179
Some brother just fell
in the ocean.

259
00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:38,430
( laughing )

260
00:10:38,514 --> 00:10:39,765
Oh, God, I remember that.

261
00:10:39,848 --> 00:10:42,809
And all those seals died.

262
00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:45,979
It was...
it was all over the news.

263
00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:48,899
The Channel 2 News
with Dan Rather.

264
00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:50,776
Although I think Connie Chung

265
00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:55,489
might have been substituting
for him that night.

266
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:59,618
Well, about time for me to be
hitting the old dusty trail.

267
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,913
I like your hat.

268
00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:06,208
Can't get out that way.

269
00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:11,213
( alarm blaring )

270
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:13,632
Oh, found the
emergency exit.

271
00:11:14,925 --> 00:11:17,344
And 1967 was the same year

272
00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:19,763
that Thurgood Marshall
was named to the Supreme Court

273
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,056
of the United States.

274
00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:22,266
Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

275
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:24,685
Woo! Woo! Woo!
Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

276
00:11:26,687 --> 00:11:29,982
Well, I should probably
be saddling up now.

277
00:11:31,817 --> 00:11:33,735
( alarm blaring )

278
00:11:33,819 --> 00:11:35,863
Oh, found the fire door.

279
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:40,242
Ugh, look at how fat you are.

280
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:41,910
You disgust me.

281
00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:43,829
Oink-oink, fatty.

282
00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:46,832
Oh, yes, you'll take butter on
that English muffin, won't you

283
00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:49,418
because you're the cheerleading
squad's token blimp.

284
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:52,171
You don't deserve to eat.

285
00:11:52,254 --> 00:11:53,255
( retches )

286
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,093
Hey, thanks for bringing
me here, Cleveland.

287
00:11:58,177 --> 00:12:00,387
Welcome.
For our first order of business

288
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,764
I believe Brother Cleveland
has an announcement.

289
00:12:02,848 --> 00:12:06,143
Yesterday I received reparations

290
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,937
from the family
that enslaved my ancestors.

291
00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:10,439
Amen!
( applause )

292
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:13,609
Now the family has become
poor white trash since then

293
00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:16,069
so they only gave
what they could--

294
00:12:16,153 --> 00:12:19,198
this tray of scrumptious
Rice Krispie treats.

295
00:12:19,281 --> 00:12:21,617
I share them with all of you
in the hopes

296
00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:24,995
that one day your wounds
may be healed as well.

297
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,914
-Amen!
-Right on, man, right on.

298
00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:28,290
Hey, why is he taking one?

299
00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:30,334
Oh, this is my friend
Peter Griffin.

300
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,753
He recently discovered
he was black.

301
00:12:32,836 --> 00:12:34,546
He doesn't look
very black to me.

302
00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:35,881
Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen

303
00:12:36,048 --> 00:12:37,382
gentlemen, please.

304
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:39,593
Please, judge me not
by the color of my skin

305
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:41,303
for I have always
been there with you.

306
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,096
( murmuring dissent )

307
00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:44,681
I was there when
George and Weezie

308
00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:45,807
moved on up to the East Side.

309
00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:46,892
Sing it!
Movin' on up.

310
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,227
Now you talking history.

311
00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:50,979
Hallelujah,
those were happy times.

312
00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:52,940
Yes, but, but I was also there
for the bad times.

313
00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:54,483
Yes, he was.
Uh-huh.

314
00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:57,069
When Florida lost James
to that tragic auto accident.

315
00:12:57,152 --> 00:12:59,947
Now you talking real.

316
00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:02,991
And I was there when Tootie got
those terribly painful braces.

317
00:13:03,075 --> 00:13:04,701
Oh, yeah, that hurt.

318
00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:07,162
Oh, yes, and when Arnold Jackson
got beat up by the Gooch

319
00:13:07,246 --> 00:13:09,414
I was there.

320
00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:11,708
So before you decide
that I don't belong here

321
00:13:11,792 --> 00:13:13,168
remember this--

322
00:13:13,252 --> 00:13:14,837
I was there!

323
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,547
( cheering )

324
00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:23,846
Way to go, Peter.

325
00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:25,389
You tell it like it is.

326
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:28,892
Now, Chris,
this one's for you:

327
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:30,102
What's the secret
to happiness?

328
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:31,270
Money.

329
00:13:31,395 --> 00:13:32,396
Very good.

330
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:33,480
Babs, give him a caramel.

331
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:41,405
Hey-hey-hey.

332
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:43,282
Hey, Lois, what are
your parents doing here?

333
00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:45,158
Oh, they surprised us
with a visit

334
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:47,744
after I told them
about your recent discovery.

335
00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:50,539
Yes, Peter, we hear
you're a Negro now.

336
00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:52,124
Yep, I even got
my own posse.

337
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:54,251
Hey, uh, Big Dog,
T-Bone, Shades

338
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,253
you guys
go make yourself some sandwiches.

339
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:57,713
We'll hook up later.

340
00:13:57,796 --> 00:14:00,174
My jacket's in the kitchen.
Please don't write on it.

341
00:14:00,257 --> 00:14:02,426
Well, I think Chris and Meg
should know

342
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,928
the Pewterschmidt side
of their ancestry, too.

343
00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:06,305
Kids, did you know
the Pewterschmidts

344
00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,390
were among the first
to colonize America?

345
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:10,934
Now, kids, don't be taken in
by the Man.

346
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,394
Stay black and proud.

347
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:13,520
Here's your ancestor

348
00:14:13,604 --> 00:14:14,980
Silas Pewterschmidt

349
00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:16,523
bartering with
some local Indians.

350
00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:18,066
-Cool.
-And here's a picture of...

351
00:14:18,150 --> 00:14:19,610
Oh, uh, never mind that one.

352
00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:20,819
Wait, wait, wait,
what was that?

353
00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:22,237
Oh, that was nothing.

354
00:14:22,321 --> 00:14:23,989
Just some fellow
we fed and took care of

355
00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:25,490
in exchange for doing
a few chores.

356
00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:27,159
You mean a slave.
Let me see that.

357
00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:29,328
Oh, my God.

358
00:14:29,411 --> 00:14:32,623
It's Nate Griffin.

359
00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:37,211
Well, 'bout time for me to be
hitting the old dusty trail.

360
00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:42,299
Lois, your family
owned my family.

361
00:14:42,424 --> 00:14:43,509
Daddy, is that true?

362
00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:44,885
Well, it appears so.

363
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,178
Boy, this is pretty
embarrassing.

364
00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:48,222
Yes, it is. And don't
call me "boy!"

365
00:14:48,305 --> 00:14:50,390
Peter, please, calm down.

366
00:14:50,474 --> 00:14:52,100
Babs, I think it's time
we went to bed.

367
00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:53,894
Things will look better
in the morning.

368
00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:56,605
Come here, kids. Give Grandma
and Grandpa a kiss good night.

369
00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,233
Whoa!

370
00:14:59,316 --> 00:15:00,859
Ah!

371
00:15:00,943 --> 00:15:02,611
You can whip me all you like,
white devil

372
00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:04,780
but you'll never
break my spirit.

373
00:15:12,246 --> 00:15:14,414
Damn. There must be some clue
to the source

374
00:15:14,498 --> 00:15:16,708
of their mental
manipulation techniques.

375
00:15:16,792 --> 00:15:18,877
"Your Body and You."

376
00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:20,754
"Every four weeks
for three to four days

377
00:15:20,838 --> 00:15:22,714
it's entirely normal
for every young woman to..."

378
00:15:22,798 --> 00:15:25,050
Oh, my God! Oh!

379
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:27,386
That's the most disgusting thing
I've ever heard in my life!

380
00:15:27,469 --> 00:15:29,263
Oh!

381
00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:31,098
( girls talking )

382
00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:32,766
That totally sucked.

383
00:15:32,850 --> 00:15:34,560
You guys call yourselves
cheerleaders.

384
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:37,437
Well, I call you cheerlosers!

385
00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:39,940
This Cindi is definitely
the alpha of the group.

386
00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:41,525
And what happened
with the pyramid?

387
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,110
I almost broke my neck.

388
00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:44,403
( gasps ):
The pyramid!

389
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:45,821
Of course.

390
00:15:45,904 --> 00:15:47,531
That must be the key
to their power.

391
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,408
Mission objective:
eliminate Cindi

392
00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:51,451
and take her place
at the top of the pyramid.

393
00:15:51,535 --> 00:15:53,954
( gasps ):
They're getting nude.

394
00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:55,789
I mustn't watch.
It's not the proper thing to...

395
00:15:55,873 --> 00:15:58,792
Whoa! I say, nice ones, Janine.

396
00:15:58,876 --> 00:16:01,795
And look at Lisa
in all of her curvaceous glory.

397
00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:03,714
Oh, Heavens, it appears
that my wee-wee

398
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,299
has been stricken
with rigor mortis.

399
00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:10,137
Good morning.

400
00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:11,680
Peter, what on earth
are you wearing?

401
00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:12,931
It's a dashiki.

402
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:14,016
And don't call me Peter.

403
00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:15,100
That's my slave name.

404
00:16:15,184 --> 00:16:17,728
From now on, call me
Kichwa-Tembo.

405
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:20,439
Cool.
And I'll be Mambutu O'Malley.

406
00:16:20,522 --> 00:16:21,982
Peter...
Kichwa.

407
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:23,942
I'd like to have
a word with you.

408
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:25,402
Peter, I think...

409
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,862
Kichwa!

410
00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:29,198
( sighs ):
Kichwa, we're both sensible men.

411
00:16:29,281 --> 00:16:31,867
There must be something I can do
to make things right with you.

412
00:16:31,950 --> 00:16:32,951
Actually, there is.

413
00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:34,161
I want reparations

414
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:35,412
just like
Cleveland got.

415
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:36,955
What the hell
are you talking about?

416
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:39,875
I want an apology and
some Rice Krispie treats.

417
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:42,002
Well, I absolutely will not
give you an apology.

418
00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,587
And I'm assuming
"Rice Krispie treats"

419
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:46,256
is black slang for money,
so here's $10,000.

420
00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:48,008
And I expect you
never to mention

421
00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:49,468
this ugly business again.

422
00:16:49,551 --> 00:16:51,094
$10,000?

423
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:52,304
Not enough? Fine, make it 20.

424
00:16:52,387 --> 00:16:53,597
How do you spell "Kichwa"?

425
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,098
You know what,
screw the Kichwa.

426
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:57,601
Make it out to Peter.
P-E-T-E...

427
00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:00,437
This just in: Slave owner
descendant Carter Pewterschmidt

428
00:17:00,521 --> 00:17:03,899
has paid $20,000
or two million pennies

429
00:17:03,982 --> 00:17:06,193
in reparations
to a local black man.

430
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:08,320
We now go live
to the local black man.

431
00:17:08,403 --> 00:17:12,991
Well, the money helps, but I'll
always feel my ancestors' pain.

432
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,327
( laughs ):
Hey, from down there does it look like

433
00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:17,663
I'm talking into
a bunch of robot penises?

434
00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:20,999
Hey, Lois, come in here

435
00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:22,960
and see what I did
with the money your dad gave me.

436
00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:25,045
( gasps ):
Oh, my God.

437
00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:27,673
You turned the den
into Pee Wee's Playhouse?

438
00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:29,007
♪♪ Come on, get up ♪♪

439
00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:31,593
♪♪ Knock off your napping ♪♪

440
00:17:31,677 --> 00:17:36,223
♪♪ It's a crazy messed-up place
where anything can happen ♪♪

441
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:38,517
♪♪ There's a chair that
freakin' talks, hey look! ♪♪

442
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,602
♪♪ There's some fish
that give advice, holy crap! ♪♪

443
00:17:40,686 --> 00:17:45,107
♪♪ It's screwy
in Peter's Playhouse ♪♪

444
00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:46,692
-Peter...
-Wait, wait, wait. Watch this.

445
00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:48,068
Hey, Jambi!

446
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,612
Okay, say it.

447
00:17:50,821 --> 00:17:52,531
Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hiney...

448
00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:54,116
God, I hate you so much.

449
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:55,450
Peter, that reparation money

450
00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:57,661
should be going to
a worthy black charity.

451
00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:00,122
Lois, the King of Cartoons
will be here in five minutes

452
00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:01,832
and I will not have you
embarrass me.

453
00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:03,041
You're acting ridiculous.

454
00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:04,668
( yelling ):
Aggh!

455
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,795
You said the secret word!

456
00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:09,006
( siren blares )

457
00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:10,757
Uh-oh.

458
00:18:12,593 --> 00:18:13,844
Hey, you're
that black guy

459
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:15,262
I saw on the news
conference, ain't ya?

460
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:16,513
Uh, yeah, that's me.

461
00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:18,223
This is car 15, I'm
going to need backup.

462
00:18:18,307 --> 00:18:19,725
I've got a stolen
vehicle here.

463
00:18:19,808 --> 00:18:21,685
-But this is my car...
-Suspect's getting belligerent.

464
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,562
What?
Officer down.

465
00:18:27,357 --> 00:18:28,692
So it's agreed.

466
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,569
We'll keep on pretending
to like pigs' feet

467
00:18:30,652 --> 00:18:32,487
simply to confound
the white man.

468
00:18:32,571 --> 00:18:34,198
Oh, sorry I'm late, you guys.

469
00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:36,200
The white man was
making me his bitch.

470
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:40,120
What? Oh, sorry.
His be-yatch.

471
00:18:40,204 --> 00:18:42,456
Peter, we know about
your selfish squandering

472
00:18:42,539 --> 00:18:44,416
of your
reparation money.

473
00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,959
I shared mine.

474
00:18:46,043 --> 00:18:48,712
You, however, have given nothing
back to the community.

475
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,923
Uh, that's not true.

476
00:18:51,006 --> 00:18:53,592
I've brought you
the greatest gift of all:

477
00:18:53,675 --> 00:18:55,427
a child's laughter.

478
00:18:55,511 --> 00:18:59,389
( high-pitched giggle )

479
00:18:59,598 --> 00:19:01,475
Peter, I think you should go.

480
00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:02,559
Yeah, I'm gone.

481
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,107
Hi, guys.

482
00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:11,777
Uh, hey, how's it going?

483
00:19:11,860 --> 00:19:13,904
Geez, Lois, no one
wants to sit with me.

484
00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:15,155
It's like I'm
a freakin' leper.

485
00:19:15,447 --> 00:19:16,698
Hey, can we
sit there?

486
00:19:16,782 --> 00:19:18,617
No, these are saved.

487
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,077
Where is Cindi?

488
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:21,787
I don't know, but she
better show up soon.

489
00:19:21,870 --> 00:19:22,996
It's almost half-time.

490
00:19:23,914 --> 00:19:25,666
You know, Cindi, I'd
feel worse about this

491
00:19:25,749 --> 00:19:26,959
if you didn't
spell your name

492
00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:28,919
with that insufferable
"I" at the end.

493
00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:31,964
Oh, and that
cockadoody smiley face you use to dot it.

494
00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:33,507
You sicken me!

495
00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:35,467
I'm not going to hurt you.
I'm not going to hurt you.

496
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:44,268
Ah!

497
00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:45,352
Hello, Peter.

498
00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,896
Nate Griffin.

499
00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:49,565
Oh, my God,
you're haunting me

500
00:19:49,648 --> 00:19:51,275
because I've been
a terrible black man.

501
00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:52,442
Peter, you got to stop

502
00:19:52,526 --> 00:19:54,194
putting so much
importance on race.

503
00:19:54,278 --> 00:19:55,279
I know I didn't.

504
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:56,613
-You didn't?
-No.

505
00:19:56,697 --> 00:19:58,031
If I had, do you think
I would've slept

506
00:19:58,115 --> 00:19:59,908
with your white great-great-
great-great granny?

507
00:19:59,992 --> 00:20:01,243
I guess not.

508
00:20:01,410 --> 00:20:02,744
That's right.
And I wouldn't have slept

509
00:20:02,828 --> 00:20:04,246
with her fine sister neither.

510
00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:05,914
You see, Peter,
the most important thing

511
00:20:05,998 --> 00:20:07,374
is how a man acts.

512
00:20:07,791 --> 00:20:08,876
You know what I'm getting at?

513
00:20:08,959 --> 00:20:11,044
You think I should
do something good

514
00:20:11,128 --> 00:20:12,838
with that reparation money,
don't you?

515
00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:14,214
That'd be mighty fine,
Peter.

516
00:20:14,339 --> 00:20:16,008
Eh, I guess
you're right.

517
00:20:16,091 --> 00:20:17,384
Listen, for what it's worth

518
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:18,927
I'm real sorry
my wife's ancestors

519
00:20:19,011 --> 00:20:20,179
made you suffer so much.

520
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:21,471
Oh, don't worry about me.

521
00:20:21,555 --> 00:20:23,015
If it makes you
feel any better

522
00:20:23,098 --> 00:20:24,683
I peed in their cereal
every morning.

523
00:20:24,766 --> 00:20:26,351
Hehehehehe!
Hehehehehe!

524
00:20:26,435 --> 00:20:27,853
Well, so long, Peter.

525
00:20:27,936 --> 00:20:29,479
Wait, wait, wait.
Before you go...

526
00:20:29,563 --> 00:20:31,190
what's heaven like?

527
00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:32,441
Oh, it's fine.

528
00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:34,276
There's a shortage of chairs.

529
00:20:34,818 --> 00:20:36,195
Oh.

530
00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:37,988
Yeah.

531
00:20:38,071 --> 00:20:39,615
Take it easy, Peter.

532
00:20:41,575 --> 00:20:44,620
Okay, look, we're just going
to have to go on without her.

533
00:20:44,703 --> 00:20:48,165
( up-tempo music starts )

534
00:20:53,837 --> 00:20:56,673
Give me a "D"!
"D"!

535
00:20:56,757 --> 00:20:58,717
That's enough of that.
There's a large hunting knife

536
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,093
under each one of your seats.

537
00:21:00,177 --> 00:21:02,304
Oh, my command, I want you to...
Aah!

538
00:21:03,764 --> 00:21:05,682
Ah! You idiots, I had them!

539
00:21:05,933 --> 00:21:08,268
Oh, Cindi was right.
We need a lot more work.

540
00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:10,979
Uh, excuse me.

541
00:21:11,063 --> 00:21:13,524
Yeah, uh, hi, I'm Peter Griffin.

542
00:21:13,607 --> 00:21:15,984
Listen, uh,
as many of you may know

543
00:21:16,068 --> 00:21:18,612
I recently came into some money.

544
00:21:18,695 --> 00:21:21,114
Well, I don't really deserve it.

545
00:21:21,198 --> 00:21:25,077
So I've decided to share it
with my brothers.

546
00:21:28,205 --> 00:21:31,667
Uh, actually, I just meant
the black guys. Uh.

547
00:21:31,750 --> 00:21:33,877
Peter, that was
very generous.

548
00:21:33,961 --> 00:21:35,712
And look how happy
you've made everyone.

549
00:21:35,796 --> 00:21:37,548
Yeah, it just goes
to show you, Lois.

550
00:21:37,631 --> 00:21:39,550
It doesn't matter if
you're black or white

551
00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:42,469
the only color that
really matters is green.

552
00:21:42,553 --> 00:21:43,720
Oh, Peter.

553
00:21:45,055 --> 00:21:47,307
I wonder what
happened to Cindi.

554
00:21:51,353 --> 00:21:53,397
Dear diary...

555
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,648
jackpot.

556
00:21:57,526 --> 00:22:00,779
( rap version
of theme song plays )