1 00:00:02,561 --> 00:00:05,245 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:05,397 --> 00:00:08,081 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:11,844 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,995 --> 00:00:14,847 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,998 --> 00:00:18,242 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,260 --> 00:00:21,503 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,080 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,098 --> 00:00:24,506 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:30,237 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:36,095 --> 00:00:37,611 Ah, the record store-- 11 00:00:37,763 --> 00:00:39,596 full of the greatest albums of all time 12 00:00:39,615 --> 00:00:42,041 and the employees who hate every one of 'em. 13 00:00:42,192 --> 00:00:43,950 Hey, do you have the Eagles' Greatest Hits? 14 00:00:44,045 --> 00:00:46,545 Yeah. It's under "O" for "obvious." 15 00:00:46,696 --> 00:00:47,938 And "overrated." 16 00:00:47,956 --> 00:00:49,773 Thank you, bearded failures. 17 00:00:49,866 --> 00:00:51,383 You know, it's stores like this where you learn 18 00:00:51,493 --> 00:00:53,535 about the real history of rock and roll, 19 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,888 not the watered-down version you get in every movie 20 00:00:56,039 --> 00:00:57,297 about a musician's life. 21 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,374 Yeah, all those biopics are the same story: 22 00:00:59,468 --> 00:01:01,510 unsupportive parents, hit song, 23 00:01:01,620 --> 00:01:02,561 band turmoil... 24 00:01:02,788 --> 00:01:04,788 Having giant horse teeth and dying of AIDS. 25 00:01:04,807 --> 00:01:06,548 All of 'em are exactly the same. 26 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,625 Check out this section for the Doors. 27 00:01:08,718 --> 00:01:10,127 Jim Morrison is a legend, 28 00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:11,144 whether we like it or not. 29 00:01:11,297 --> 00:01:12,571 He had the good sense to die 30 00:01:12,798 --> 00:01:15,223 before we could see him at the Pechanga Casino and go, 31 00:01:15,317 --> 00:01:17,225 "Oh, my God, that's him?" 32 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:19,578 ♪ 33 00:01:19,729 --> 00:01:21,080 It was the '60s, 34 00:01:21,231 --> 00:01:24,324 a time of great fateful missed Frisbee catches. 35 00:01:24,476 --> 00:01:26,643 The iconic band was formed one day 36 00:01:26,662 --> 00:01:29,646 when Ray Manzarek met Jim Morrison on Venice Beach. 37 00:01:29,665 --> 00:01:32,316 Thanks! I'm Ray Manzarek. What's your name? 38 00:01:32,334 --> 00:01:34,075 Jim Morrison. Light my fire. 39 00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:35,577 W-Wait a minute, wait. What'd you just say? 40 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:36,411 Say that again. 41 00:01:36,505 --> 00:01:37,262 Light my fire? 42 00:01:37,414 --> 00:01:39,098 Yeah, that! That could be a song 43 00:01:39,249 --> 00:01:41,100 that's tolerated for generations! 44 00:01:41,251 --> 00:01:43,102 What do you say you and I form a band? 45 00:01:43,329 --> 00:01:45,178 A band? But this is the '60s. 46 00:01:45,331 --> 00:01:48,273 We don't have nearly enough floppy heads of hair to do that. 47 00:01:48,500 --> 00:01:50,851 Hey, you guys starting a band? Mind if we join? 48 00:01:50,945 --> 00:01:52,093 Yes. You're both in. 49 00:01:52,187 --> 00:01:54,004 We are gonna be huge, you guys. 50 00:01:54,022 --> 00:01:55,614 And nothing's gonna get between us-- 51 00:01:55,765 --> 00:01:57,449 not drugs or alcohol 52 00:01:57,601 --> 00:02:00,344 or the first toxic relationship that comes my way. 53 00:02:00,362 --> 00:02:04,105 Look out! Easily manipulated runaway comin' through! 54 00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:06,125 Screw you guys! I'm following that lady, 55 00:02:06,276 --> 00:02:08,018 and there's nothing you can do about it! 56 00:02:08,111 --> 00:02:09,294 I am the Doors! 57 00:02:09,521 --> 00:02:10,537 Jim, be reasonable. 58 00:02:10,689 --> 00:02:12,856 We haven't even named ourselves that yet. 59 00:02:12,875 --> 00:02:14,133 Look, I'm gonna get right to it 60 00:02:14,284 --> 00:02:17,970 and say I miss making music with you bastards. 61 00:02:18,121 --> 00:02:19,138 Thanks! 62 00:02:19,247 --> 00:02:21,047 I'm Charles Manson. What's your name? 63 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:22,790 Jim Morrison. Kill Sharon Tate. 64 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,810 Wait a minute. What did you just say? 65 00:02:24,961 --> 00:02:26,478 Say that again. 66 00:02:26,705 --> 00:02:28,630 -♪ -(humming) 67 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:32,709 ♪ This is how women on drugs dance. ♪ 68 00:02:32,802 --> 00:02:33,986 Yeah. 69 00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:37,656 Jim Morrison. Love me two times. 70 00:02:37,883 --> 00:02:39,491 W-Wait a minute. What'd you just say? 71 00:02:39,643 --> 00:02:40,909 Say that again. 72 00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:44,496 Well, Jim, I'm flattered you broke into my home, 73 00:02:44,648 --> 00:02:47,557 but I have a serious boyfriend and I think you should leave. 74 00:02:47,576 --> 00:02:48,742 But I'm a rock star! 75 00:02:48,894 --> 00:02:50,485 And he's an astronaut. 76 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:53,172 You know, unfortunately for you, this is the one time in history 77 00:02:53,323 --> 00:02:55,823 where astronauts are cooler than rock stars. 78 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,492 Well, I don't care. You're my muse, 79 00:02:57,511 --> 00:03:01,180 and I'm moving in with my trash bags of bad poetry. 80 00:03:02,999 --> 00:03:04,016 "The caterpillar-- 81 00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:05,926 "a tiny hair snake? 82 00:03:06,078 --> 00:03:09,579 Nay. Because of his many, many legs." 83 00:03:09,598 --> 00:03:10,689 "The snake. 84 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:13,192 "A large, hairless caterpillar? 85 00:03:13,419 --> 00:03:16,253 Nay. On account of no legs." 86 00:03:16,271 --> 00:03:17,921 "The snakeapillar..." 87 00:03:17,940 --> 00:03:20,257 Wow. Such a genius, huh? 88 00:03:20,350 --> 00:03:22,259 Now, I do have a boyfriend, 89 00:03:22,352 --> 00:03:24,277 but I'm also a free spirit. 90 00:03:24,430 --> 00:03:28,281 (quietly): That's my fun little way of sayin' I'm a slut. 91 00:03:28,434 --> 00:03:31,877 So, how'd you like to have sex with my kite-sized woman weave? 92 00:03:32,028 --> 00:03:36,715 Mm, it'll mesh perfectly with my giant nest of tight ringlets. 93 00:03:36,866 --> 00:03:38,625 (moaning) 94 00:03:38,777 --> 00:03:40,126 LOIS: Oh, Jim. 95 00:03:40,279 --> 00:03:42,036 PETER: Call me the Lizard King. 96 00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:44,539 LOIS: (moans) Oh, Lizard King! 97 00:03:44,633 --> 00:03:47,059 PETER: Yeah. Now call me Archduke Salamander, 98 00:03:47,286 --> 00:03:48,227 Emperor of Newts. 99 00:03:48,378 --> 00:03:49,895 LOIS: (exhales) You're the Archduke... 100 00:03:50,122 --> 00:03:50,878 PETER: Ah, I'm done. 101 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:52,789 (Velcro ripping) 102 00:03:52,808 --> 00:03:54,958 (giggles) Velcro. 103 00:03:54,977 --> 00:03:56,643 Just like my shoes. 104 00:03:56,795 --> 00:03:58,695 ♪ 105 00:04:04,394 --> 00:04:07,228 Early on, Jim Morrison had terrible stage fright, 106 00:04:07,248 --> 00:04:09,564 so he performed with his back to the crowd. 107 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,157 The only thing that calmed his nerves 108 00:04:11,310 --> 00:04:13,493 was what everyone was using back then, 109 00:04:13,645 --> 00:04:14,902 Strawberry Nesquik. 110 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,313 It upset his stomach terribly 111 00:04:16,331 --> 00:04:17,981 because of his lactose intolerance, 112 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:21,593 a condition that would escalate to full-on cream bigotry. 113 00:04:21,745 --> 00:04:23,745 Yeah, that's the stuff. 114 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,747 ♪ 115 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,657 ♪ And a one, two, three. ♪ 116 00:04:27,676 --> 00:04:29,751 -(stomach gurgles) -Uh-oh. 117 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,853 (flatulence) 118 00:04:33,015 --> 00:04:34,439 (quietly): My fart's stuck in the pants. 119 00:04:34,625 --> 00:04:36,758 Well, get it out. We've got a show to do. 120 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,986 (cheering) 121 00:04:42,932 --> 00:04:44,524 We all feeling good tonight? 122 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:45,951 (cheering) 123 00:04:46,102 --> 00:04:48,328 I know I'm feeling good. 124 00:04:49,515 --> 00:04:51,606 (jingling) 125 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:54,209 (amplified flatulence) 126 00:04:57,539 --> 00:04:59,280 (woman coughs) 127 00:05:00,283 --> 00:05:03,135 Uh, this next one's called "Break On Through." 128 00:05:03,244 --> 00:05:05,304 -♪ -(cheering) 129 00:05:05,455 --> 00:05:06,880 Yes. 130 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,533 "Break on through." 131 00:05:09,551 --> 00:05:11,977 (soft chatter) 132 00:05:12,128 --> 00:05:14,054 Jim, there's someone you have to meet. 133 00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:17,057 Hello. I'm someone with no knowledge of music 134 00:05:17,151 --> 00:05:20,043 who is somehow controlling the music industry, 135 00:05:20,062 --> 00:05:22,321 and I want to make you a star. 136 00:05:22,472 --> 00:05:23,897 How do I know I can trust you? 137 00:05:24,049 --> 00:05:25,565 'Cause I'm not just an agent-- 138 00:05:25,717 --> 00:05:26,766 I'm a fan. 139 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,493 -Really? -Absolutely. 140 00:05:28,645 --> 00:05:31,330 In fact, I'd love your autograph on the bottom of this contract, 141 00:05:31,481 --> 00:05:33,406 in absence of any legal counsel. 142 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,742 Come on, buddy, you're embarrassing me. 143 00:05:35,894 --> 00:05:36,893 They did it. 144 00:05:36,912 --> 00:05:38,003 They signed the contract 145 00:05:38,230 --> 00:05:40,505 that would make their cocaine dealer rich. 146 00:05:40,657 --> 00:05:41,915 And then it was off to the studio 147 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,592 for a shirtless rehearsal. 148 00:05:45,328 --> 00:05:46,345 (clacking) 149 00:05:46,496 --> 00:05:49,598 ♪ 150 00:05:53,428 --> 00:05:54,578 (hawking) 151 00:05:54,596 --> 00:05:56,613 (coughing, chokes) 152 00:05:56,615 --> 00:05:57,597 What the hell, Jim? 153 00:05:57,749 --> 00:05:58,598 You look terrible. 154 00:05:58,750 --> 00:05:59,599 Are you back on the Quik? 155 00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,418 (clearing throat) 156 00:06:01,511 --> 00:06:03,344 Please, I've barely stirred today. 157 00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:05,364 Look, I'm sorry. I'm ready now, all right? 158 00:06:05,515 --> 00:06:08,516 I'm ready to make this college dorm room poster. 159 00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:09,743 (inhales) 160 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:14,206 Damn it, Jim. We're here to make an album, not a poster. 161 00:06:14,357 --> 00:06:16,375 (grunts) Make an album? 162 00:06:16,526 --> 00:06:17,934 Why didn't you say so? 163 00:06:17,953 --> 00:06:21,213 Bring in the terrible, too-involved girlfriends, guys! 164 00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:23,882 -(tapping) -(strumming) 165 00:06:24,109 --> 00:06:26,534 Jim, meet my girlfriend, Yoko O-yes. 166 00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,612 She's beloved by everyone close to me 167 00:06:28,630 --> 00:06:30,964 and prides herself on not messing with a good thing. 168 00:06:31,116 --> 00:06:32,115 I'm just gonna get out of the way 169 00:06:32,134 --> 00:06:33,058 and let you guys do your music. 170 00:06:33,209 --> 00:06:34,784 You won't even know I'm here. 171 00:06:34,803 --> 00:06:36,978 ♪ 172 00:06:38,807 --> 00:06:40,982 (cheering) 173 00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:52,135 You guys want to see something? 174 00:06:52,228 --> 00:06:55,163 You want to see if it's as big as they say it is? 175 00:06:56,065 --> 00:06:57,565 What the hell is he doing now? 176 00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:59,159 PETER: That night marked the end 177 00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:01,661 of Jim Morrison's rock god status, 178 00:07:01,813 --> 00:07:04,589 when he was unable to find and expose his penis 179 00:07:04,741 --> 00:07:06,316 in a Florida music venue. 180 00:07:06,334 --> 00:07:08,468 (booing) 181 00:07:11,323 --> 00:07:13,990 Like every man who can't find his penis, 182 00:07:14,083 --> 00:07:15,600 Jim Morrison moved to Paris, 183 00:07:15,752 --> 00:07:19,137 where he did heroin one night and drowned in a bathtub. 184 00:07:19,289 --> 00:07:20,439 There was a movie about the Doors. 185 00:07:20,666 --> 00:07:22,089 If you're a bunch of guys in college 186 00:07:22,184 --> 00:07:23,608 wanting to make all the girls go away, 187 00:07:23,835 --> 00:07:25,944 put on the movie The Doors. Poof, they're gone. 188 00:07:26,095 --> 00:07:27,854 Then it's just you and your buddies. 189 00:07:28,006 --> 00:07:29,448 You could've gotten laid, but you put on The Doors. 190 00:07:29,675 --> 00:07:30,574 Why'd you do that? 191 00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,456 ♪ 192 00:07:37,683 --> 00:07:40,533 Well, if we learned anything from Jim Morrison's tragic tale, 193 00:07:40,686 --> 00:07:43,778 it's that white guys definitely invented rock and roll. 194 00:07:43,872 --> 00:07:45,613 What? That's bullcrap! 195 00:07:45,707 --> 00:07:48,525 Rock and roll was invented in the Mississippi Delta 196 00:07:48,543 --> 00:07:49,784 by Black people. 197 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,695 Jerome, if Black guys invented rock and roll, 198 00:07:51,713 --> 00:07:54,698 then how come everyone else in a vintage vinyl record store 199 00:07:54,716 --> 00:07:57,058 is a stock photo meme white guy? 200 00:08:06,228 --> 00:08:09,154 You ain't heard of the Black man who invented rock and roll 201 00:08:09,305 --> 00:08:11,472 'cause he never got a movie about his life. 202 00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:15,068 But I'm-a educate y'all on the greatest rocker of all time, 203 00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:18,330 Delta bluesman Muddy Drawers. 204 00:08:18,481 --> 00:08:21,482 ♪ 205 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:24,836 Muddy grew up in a shotgun shack in the Deep South. 206 00:08:24,988 --> 00:08:26,563 His family was so poor, 207 00:08:26,581 --> 00:08:29,991 they lived underneath the mighty Mississippi. 208 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,902 They all had to share one room 209 00:08:32,921 --> 00:08:35,255 and one mustache. 210 00:08:35,407 --> 00:08:39,092 Well, I'm off to make something of myself with this here guitar. 211 00:08:39,244 --> 00:08:41,094 Don't go chasin' no white women! 212 00:08:41,246 --> 00:08:43,763 Too far away! Can't hear you! 213 00:08:43,915 --> 00:08:47,042 ♪ 214 00:08:47,044 --> 00:08:49,435 In those days, Black people had nothing, 215 00:08:49,530 --> 00:08:52,364 but they still had to wear suits everywhere. 216 00:08:52,515 --> 00:08:56,760 The only instrument Muddy could afford was a one-string guitar. 217 00:08:56,853 --> 00:09:00,705 That one guitar string was also the family belt. 218 00:09:02,726 --> 00:09:04,117 ♪ 219 00:09:04,269 --> 00:09:06,452 Despite all his setbacks, 220 00:09:06,605 --> 00:09:09,381 Muddy would do whatever it took to master the guitar, 221 00:09:09,532 --> 00:09:13,200 even if it meant making a deal with the devil himself. 222 00:09:13,295 --> 00:09:17,204 So he headed on down to the crossroads. 223 00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:20,633 The Crossroads being a fancy school in Los Angeles. 224 00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:22,894 Tobey Maguire's kid goes there. 225 00:09:23,046 --> 00:09:25,212 You'd see him sometimes, dropping off. 226 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,882 Not all the time but sometimes. 227 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:28,975 Hey, Tobey! 228 00:09:29,127 --> 00:09:30,852 See you at the holiday show! 229 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,238 (scoffs) Stupid fanboy. 230 00:09:33,389 --> 00:09:35,164 You ain't ever getting that invite 231 00:09:35,166 --> 00:09:36,816 to dinner with the Gyllenhaals. 232 00:09:36,968 --> 00:09:38,243 Muddy was right. 233 00:09:38,394 --> 00:09:41,729 He never got invited to dinner with Jake Gyllenhaal 234 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,973 or his sleepy-eyed sister, 235 00:09:43,992 --> 00:09:45,491 which is probably for the best. 236 00:09:45,644 --> 00:09:48,311 She looks like she chews with her mouth open. 237 00:09:48,404 --> 00:09:50,905 But Muddy did get his guitar lessons. 238 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,591 From the devil. 239 00:09:52,742 --> 00:09:55,501 Sign here and you'll be the greatest guitar player 240 00:09:55,654 --> 00:09:56,502 who ever lived. 241 00:09:56,655 --> 00:09:59,246 All it'll cost you is... your soul. 242 00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:02,175 Okay. You got yourself a deal. 243 00:10:02,327 --> 00:10:04,585 And just so you know, with this purchase of a soul, 244 00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:06,846 I will also give a soul to a child in need. 245 00:10:06,998 --> 00:10:08,422 Yeah, yeah, I don't want that. 246 00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:10,591 -It's no additional cost to you. -(skeptical): Mm-hmm. 247 00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:13,094 It's just my way of giving back, out of my end. 248 00:10:13,188 --> 00:10:16,022 Seems like it's probably baked into the price. 249 00:10:16,174 --> 00:10:19,676 So Muddy went out and created a new sound, 250 00:10:19,694 --> 00:10:21,936 the sound of rock and roll. 251 00:10:22,030 --> 00:10:23,622 It was so groundbreaking 252 00:10:23,773 --> 00:10:26,532 that an apathetic sound mixer put down his newspaper 253 00:10:26,685 --> 00:10:30,186 and his stale cup of coffee to pay attention. 254 00:10:30,279 --> 00:10:32,872 ♪ 255 00:10:33,024 --> 00:10:35,358 ♪ This song has one line ♪ 256 00:10:35,377 --> 00:10:39,879 ♪ I'm gonna sing it several times ♪ 257 00:10:40,031 --> 00:10:41,714 ♪ That's it ♪ 258 00:10:41,867 --> 00:10:43,791 ♪ Well ♪ 259 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,460 ♪ This song has one line ♪ 260 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,649 ♪ I'm gonna sing it several times ♪ 261 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:53,318 ♪ Not just once ♪ 262 00:10:53,545 --> 00:10:54,819 ♪ Listen ♪ 263 00:10:54,971 --> 00:10:57,656 ♪ This song has one line ♪ 264 00:10:57,807 --> 00:11:01,159 ♪ I'm gonna sing it several times. ♪ 265 00:11:01,310 --> 00:11:02,886 ♪ 266 00:11:02,904 --> 00:11:04,237 The song was a hit 267 00:11:04,389 --> 00:11:08,166 and got Muddy his first record contract. 268 00:11:08,317 --> 00:11:09,726 ♪ 269 00:11:09,744 --> 00:11:11,836 Now, since he was a Black performer, 270 00:11:11,988 --> 00:11:13,487 naturally, he went on tour 271 00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:16,249 in the part of the country that's so racist 272 00:11:16,401 --> 00:11:18,251 it's known as the Boston of the South. 273 00:11:18,403 --> 00:11:21,012 He was given a white driver. 274 00:11:21,164 --> 00:11:24,331 The record company chose an Italian American man 275 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,242 so Muddy would be used to hearing 276 00:11:26,335 --> 00:11:27,835 all the worst racial slurs 277 00:11:27,929 --> 00:11:29,746 before he got there. 278 00:11:29,839 --> 00:11:31,915 Big crawdads guy, huh? 279 00:11:31,933 --> 00:11:33,249 Oh, yeah. They're the best. 280 00:11:33,342 --> 00:11:35,251 Please look at the road while you're driving. 281 00:11:35,344 --> 00:11:37,178 I wouldn't know about crawdads. 282 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,755 -Never had 'em. -What? 283 00:11:38,773 --> 00:11:39,772 You got to try 'em! 284 00:11:39,925 --> 00:11:41,899 Here, take the rest of mine. I insist. 285 00:11:42,126 --> 00:11:44,427 JEROME: But Muddy had had crawdads. 286 00:11:44,446 --> 00:11:45,945 Many times. 287 00:11:46,097 --> 00:11:49,282 That was just his little trick for getting free crawdads 288 00:11:49,434 --> 00:11:51,376 from coarse Italians. 289 00:11:51,527 --> 00:11:54,212 ♪ 290 00:11:54,363 --> 00:11:55,788 What are you working on? 291 00:11:55,941 --> 00:11:58,791 I'm trying to write a nice letter to my wife Margerie, 292 00:11:58,944 --> 00:12:00,777 but I never been any good with... 293 00:12:00,795 --> 00:12:02,053 Damn it, what are those things? 294 00:12:02,205 --> 00:12:04,964 -Words? -Yeah, I-I never been any good at words. 295 00:12:05,116 --> 00:12:07,283 In fact, I'm downright great at 'em. 296 00:12:07,302 --> 00:12:08,709 I could help you if you want. 297 00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:11,788 Yeah? Could you make it sound so she thinks me, 298 00:12:11,806 --> 00:12:14,474 a white guy, is the one who actually wrote it? 299 00:12:14,626 --> 00:12:16,142 Easy. Write this. 300 00:12:16,294 --> 00:12:17,736 "Dearest Margerie, 301 00:12:17,887 --> 00:12:19,738 "I can't wait to get home 302 00:12:19,889 --> 00:12:23,149 "and back that big fat ass up. 303 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:25,744 "Back, back, back it up. 304 00:12:25,895 --> 00:12:28,304 "Back, back, back it up. 305 00:12:28,323 --> 00:12:31,750 Wu Tang Clan ain't nothing to mess with." 306 00:12:31,977 --> 00:12:33,234 PETER: Dearest Margerie, 307 00:12:33,328 --> 00:12:35,587 a lady who worked at the hotel we were staying at 308 00:12:35,738 --> 00:12:38,757 had, like, the freckliest chest I've ever seen. 309 00:12:38,984 --> 00:12:40,425 Yours, Vinny. 310 00:12:40,576 --> 00:12:42,652 JEROME: Ultimately, Vinny went his own way 311 00:12:42,670 --> 00:12:43,595 with the letter. 312 00:12:43,822 --> 00:12:46,598 ♪ 313 00:12:46,825 --> 00:12:48,007 Hey, Muddy, I was thinking, 314 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,675 since we made it to the part of the story 315 00:12:49,828 --> 00:12:52,086 where we realize that we're not so different from each other, 316 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,104 we should celebrate. 317 00:12:53,256 --> 00:12:55,440 Yeah? What did you have in mind? 318 00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:57,258 I don't know. Maybe... 319 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,259 that! 320 00:12:58,353 --> 00:13:00,320 ♪ 321 00:13:03,432 --> 00:13:04,699 (tires screech) 322 00:13:05,786 --> 00:13:07,434 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 323 00:13:07,529 --> 00:13:09,362 This is a "whites only" carnival. 324 00:13:09,514 --> 00:13:11,531 It's okay, Vinny. Let's get out of here. 325 00:13:11,683 --> 00:13:15,668 No! This is unacceptable, and it will not stand! 326 00:13:17,856 --> 00:13:20,298 My friend is a human being! 327 00:13:23,953 --> 00:13:26,095 We demand recourse! 328 00:13:28,958 --> 00:13:30,124 (slurping) 329 00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,143 Unconscionable! 330 00:13:32,295 --> 00:13:34,203 JEROME: And though the trip was soon over, 331 00:13:34,222 --> 00:13:37,315 a friendship was formed that transcended race. 332 00:13:37,466 --> 00:13:39,208 But it would not last long. 333 00:13:39,227 --> 00:13:40,376 What the hell?! 334 00:13:40,469 --> 00:13:43,404 All the pages in my songbook are torn out! 335 00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:48,660 PETER: Dear Muddy, I have something to confess. 336 00:13:48,811 --> 00:13:50,236 I stole all your songs, 337 00:13:50,388 --> 00:13:52,146 and my real name is Elvis Presley. 338 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,998 That son of a bitch! 339 00:13:54,150 --> 00:13:56,501 Damn you, Elvis Presley! 340 00:13:56,652 --> 00:13:57,743 (sighs) Oh, well. 341 00:13:57,896 --> 00:14:00,321 There's still an exciting future ahead of me. 342 00:14:00,415 --> 00:14:03,049 This ain't the end of my story. 343 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,327 Oh, no. The screen's turnin' sepia. 344 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,071 This is the end of my story! 345 00:14:08,164 --> 00:14:09,530 I got to get to a stool for the one 346 00:14:09,591 --> 00:14:11,591 "old-timey Black guy musician" photo 347 00:14:11,743 --> 00:14:13,576 anyone will ever know me by. 348 00:14:13,595 --> 00:14:17,096 Muddy didn't make it to the stool in time for his photo. 349 00:14:17,248 --> 00:14:19,582 Elvis never gave him the credit he deserved. 350 00:14:19,601 --> 00:14:24,011 And people were pissed when Green Book won that Oscar. 351 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,238 The end. 352 00:14:29,777 --> 00:14:32,019 ♪ 353 00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:33,596 Great story, Jerome. 354 00:14:33,689 --> 00:14:36,265 Elvis really was the best. 355 00:14:36,359 --> 00:14:38,284 Peter, is that Stewie? 356 00:14:38,436 --> 00:14:40,712 PETER: Oh, yeah. Looks like he's gonna do one next. 357 00:14:40,863 --> 00:14:42,046 You're gonna let the baby do one? 358 00:14:42,198 --> 00:14:44,865 Oh, I'm sorry, are your children funny? 359 00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:46,109 No. 360 00:14:46,127 --> 00:14:48,553 Ah, here it is. 361 00:14:48,704 --> 00:14:50,446 Elton John's Greatest Hits, 362 00:14:50,465 --> 00:14:53,207 a collection of songs by the one gay guy on earth 363 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,376 with a worse haircut than Pete Rose. 364 00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:58,304 ♪ 365 00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,732 We'll defer that end-of-year bonus 366 00:15:00,959 --> 00:15:02,233 to the following fiscal quarter, 367 00:15:02,460 --> 00:15:04,085 harvest the losses on our cap gains-- 368 00:15:04,087 --> 00:15:05,403 that's a no-brainer-- and, let's see, 369 00:15:05,630 --> 00:15:07,463 update my beneficiary designations? 370 00:15:07,482 --> 00:15:09,482 (chuckles): Uh, yeah, I think so. 371 00:15:09,634 --> 00:15:10,557 Damn, I'm good. 372 00:15:11,819 --> 00:15:14,971 Elton John, what the hell do you think you're doing?! 373 00:15:15,064 --> 00:15:16,748 It's just a little number crunchin', Pop. 374 00:15:16,975 --> 00:15:18,324 What's going on in here? 375 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:20,977 Why don't you ask your son, the tax man? 376 00:15:20,995 --> 00:15:22,828 I found these under his mattress! 377 00:15:22,981 --> 00:15:24,163 W-2s! 378 00:15:24,315 --> 00:15:27,091 I-I was holding them for a friend. 379 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:30,820 Wh-Wh-What are you doin', Pop? 380 00:15:30,838 --> 00:15:34,173 No son of mine is gonna be a heterosexual paper pusher. 381 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:38,353 You need to be a loud-and-proud performer like your gay old dad! 382 00:15:39,998 --> 00:15:42,065 (air whooshing softly) 383 00:15:49,765 --> 00:15:51,598 Aah! You hit me! 384 00:15:51,693 --> 00:15:55,178 Oh, Elton. I'm telling you this because I love you. 385 00:15:55,196 --> 00:15:57,680 You'll never find someone to love you. 386 00:15:57,699 --> 00:16:00,349 Not even Dolly Levi could help you. 387 00:16:00,443 --> 00:16:02,351 -Who's Dolly Levi? -(gasping) 388 00:16:02,370 --> 00:16:05,538 Oh, where did we go so wrong?! 389 00:16:05,690 --> 00:16:08,615 STEWIE: So Elton John collaborated with Bernie Taupin, 390 00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:11,118 who would write the lyrics for Elton's songs. 391 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,713 Bernie was married three times in a desperate bid 392 00:16:13,865 --> 00:16:16,474 to convince the world he was not a homosexual. 393 00:16:16,625 --> 00:16:18,050 (plays note) 394 00:16:18,203 --> 00:16:19,460 All right, Bernie, what do you got? 395 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:20,294 Uh, how 'bout this? 396 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,129 "Yours are the sweetest eyes 397 00:16:22,223 --> 00:16:23,314 I've ever seen." 398 00:16:23,466 --> 00:16:24,482 They are? 399 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,818 Whoa! I-I'm not gay. 400 00:16:26,969 --> 00:16:28,820 You're not? Y-You just seem very... 401 00:16:28,971 --> 00:16:31,063 Yeah. I'm British. We all seem that way, 402 00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:33,307 even if we're not but secretly are. 403 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,551 ♪ 404 00:16:35,570 --> 00:16:38,571 Elton, meet the best producer in the business. 405 00:16:38,723 --> 00:16:41,315 Kid, how would you like to sign with my label, 406 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,392 Naive-Young-Talent Records. 407 00:16:43,486 --> 00:16:47,063 Together, we are gonna make me millions! 408 00:16:47,081 --> 00:16:49,232 Sounds fair to me. Let's get to it! 409 00:16:49,250 --> 00:16:51,676 From then on, Elton's new male producer 410 00:16:51,827 --> 00:16:54,237 rode him day and night. 411 00:16:54,330 --> 00:16:56,663 When Elton was tired of playing, he'd get right behind him 412 00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:59,333 and push him on the stool until he was finished. 413 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:00,426 Sometimes Elton would cry 414 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,336 because of how hard he was pushing. 415 00:17:02,430 --> 00:17:04,747 But it paid off, because, in the end, 416 00:17:04,766 --> 00:17:07,266 they had a massive load. Of hits. 417 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:10,753 Just a-- just a big, messy load of hits. 418 00:17:10,772 --> 00:17:13,773 The night Elton John performed at Dodger Stadium, 419 00:17:13,925 --> 00:17:17,184 he was so nervous, he almost never left the dressing room. 420 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,370 CROWD (in distance): Elton! Elton! 421 00:17:19,522 --> 00:17:21,205 Elton! Elton! 422 00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:30,214 Whoa, dude, no! 423 00:17:30,366 --> 00:17:32,216 I'm just a straight moment of clarity. 424 00:17:32,368 --> 00:17:34,218 Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't, uh... 425 00:17:34,370 --> 00:17:36,554 But his reflection had walked away, 426 00:17:36,705 --> 00:17:38,114 never to return. 427 00:17:38,132 --> 00:17:40,283 And he had to do his own makeup. 428 00:17:40,301 --> 00:17:41,208 (cheering) 429 00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,061 Also, due to a scheduling error, 430 00:17:43,212 --> 00:17:45,212 the Dodgers had a game that night, 431 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:48,232 and Elton had to bat fourth in the lineup. 432 00:17:51,462 --> 00:17:54,072 ANNOUNCER: It's a mince-off single and the Dodgers win! 433 00:17:54,223 --> 00:17:57,558 (cheering, whooping) 434 00:17:57,652 --> 00:18:00,803 STEWIE: Elton John was heavily involved in the L.A. party scene, 435 00:18:00,896 --> 00:18:02,638 and things took a dark turn one night 436 00:18:02,731 --> 00:18:05,416 when he and Bernie went to a party in the Hollywood Hills, 437 00:18:05,568 --> 00:18:07,401 one where you park way down at the bottom 438 00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,328 and have to walk all the way up. 439 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,647 (panting) 440 00:18:11,666 --> 00:18:13,316 God, how much farther is it? 441 00:18:13,409 --> 00:18:14,741 I don't know. You didn't get a TripTik. 442 00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:17,169 That's 'cause the rock star doesn't get the TripTik. 443 00:18:17,322 --> 00:18:19,004 The writer gets the TripTik. 444 00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:20,656 Damn it, here comes another person 445 00:18:20,675 --> 00:18:22,174 walking to the same party. 446 00:18:22,327 --> 00:18:24,493 Let's stop, so we don't have to walk with him the whole way. 447 00:18:24,587 --> 00:18:27,105 When they said this party was "far out," 448 00:18:27,256 --> 00:18:28,422 they weren't kidding. 449 00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,333 (forced chuckling) I know, right? Yeah. 450 00:18:30,351 --> 00:18:31,442 -♪ -Look, we've got to be close. 451 00:18:31,594 --> 00:18:33,035 I can hear the music. 452 00:18:33,095 --> 00:18:34,670 Damn it! We're in the wrong canyon! 453 00:18:34,689 --> 00:18:35,947 Well, I'm exhausted. 454 00:18:36,098 --> 00:18:37,340 Come on, let's just go home. 455 00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:39,508 I don't know. I kind of want to stay out. 456 00:18:39,527 --> 00:18:41,177 Hang on. Hey! 457 00:18:41,270 --> 00:18:43,937 What's the cocaine sitch like at that party?! 458 00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:45,957 Enough to kill a Belushi! 459 00:18:46,108 --> 00:18:47,516 But you probably don't want to come! 460 00:18:47,535 --> 00:18:50,019 It's a real sausage fest over here! 461 00:18:50,037 --> 00:18:51,462 I'm going to that (bleep) party. 462 00:18:51,614 --> 00:18:54,707 Elton, if you leave me right now, it's a big deal, 463 00:18:54,859 --> 00:18:57,026 because this is the time of the story where that's a big deal. 464 00:18:57,044 --> 00:19:00,379 What'd you say?! I couldn't hear you over the sound of snorting! 465 00:19:00,531 --> 00:19:03,457 Have fun getting home without a TripTik, trip dick! 466 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:06,886 Whoa-ho! Looks like Elton learned how to write! 467 00:19:07,038 --> 00:19:08,629 (snorting) 468 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,607 ♪ 469 00:19:12,968 --> 00:19:14,635 How is he, Doctor? 470 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:17,213 Well, looks like your husband's gonna be all right, Mr., uh... 471 00:19:17,231 --> 00:19:19,382 I've been married three times! I'm Bernie Taupin! 472 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,383 You know what, don't worry about it. 473 00:19:20,401 --> 00:19:21,642 I already forgot who you are. 474 00:19:21,736 --> 00:19:23,068 Anyway, congratulations. 475 00:19:23,221 --> 00:19:25,905 Elton will be back on his knees in no time. 476 00:19:26,057 --> 00:19:27,890 Look at me. At some hospital 477 00:19:27,909 --> 00:19:29,650 next to a Denny's by the airport. 478 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,411 All day long, it's just Denny's and the jets. 479 00:19:32,563 --> 00:19:34,622 Wait, what'd you just say? Say that again. 480 00:19:35,658 --> 00:19:37,583 The important thing is you're alive. 481 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,753 Thanks. Hey, what do you say we get the ole team back together 482 00:19:40,905 --> 00:19:44,240 for a "what do they look like now" credits montage? 483 00:19:44,333 --> 00:19:47,167 Well, we can, but I'm not sure you'll like it. 484 00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,078 STEWIE: That's what I look like?! 485 00:19:49,096 --> 00:19:51,338 Who is letting me out of the house like-- 486 00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:54,250 Someone in the future is seriously failing me! 487 00:19:54,268 --> 00:19:57,010 BRIAN: Yeah, you look like a Candy Land villain that came to life. 488 00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:58,270 -STEWIE: I know! -You look like a Muppet 489 00:19:58,423 --> 00:20:00,439 that teaches kids about being gay. 490 00:20:00,591 --> 00:20:02,349 STEWIE: All right, that's enough. Why are we making fun of me? 491 00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:05,594 I'm not a bad guy. Let's just make fun of Sean Hannity again. 492 00:20:05,613 --> 00:20:08,597 BRIAN: He looks like a guy who just OD'd on Just For Men. 493 00:20:08,616 --> 00:20:10,208 STEWIE: He looks like Alan Thicker. 494 00:20:10,359 --> 00:20:11,858 BRIAN: He's a guy whose wife yells at him 495 00:20:11,953 --> 00:20:13,711 for getting his ball powder all over the bathroom. 496 00:20:13,862 --> 00:20:15,862 STEWIE: All right, we could do this all day. 497 00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:19,217 For more Hannity slams, go to Family Guy's YouTube page. 498 00:20:19,368 --> 00:20:22,053 And, hey, if you think of your own, leave it in the comments. 499 00:20:22,204 --> 00:20:24,113 BRIAN: He's the guy your mom dates twice 500 00:20:24,206 --> 00:20:25,448 and then yells at you for the remote. 501 00:20:25,466 --> 00:20:27,475 STEWIE: (laughs) Okay. But now we're done. 502 00:20:33,124 --> 00:20:35,566 Well, I can't think of a better way to end our visit 503 00:20:35,718 --> 00:20:39,795 than by remembering the four lads who started a band in 1962 504 00:20:39,814 --> 00:20:41,405 and changed the world forever. 505 00:20:41,632 --> 00:20:43,890 -Steve, Dal, Bob and Robin. -John, Paul, George and Ringo. 506 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,892 -Who? -Steve, Dal, Bob and Robin. 507 00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:46,911 The Trashmen. 508 00:20:47,062 --> 00:20:48,079 Oh... 509 00:20:48,230 --> 00:20:49,413 ♪ Uh, well, everybody's heard ♪ 510 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:50,397 ♪ About the bird ♪ 511 00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:51,749 ♪ B-B-B-Bird, bird, bird ♪ 512 00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:52,808 ♪ B-Bird's the word ♪ 513 00:20:52,827 --> 00:20:54,067 ♪ Uh, well, a bird, bird, bird ♪ 514 00:20:54,161 --> 00:20:55,670 ♪ Bird is the word, uh, well... ♪