1
00:00:02,228 --> 00:00:04,336
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,488 --> 00:00:07,564
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,583 --> 00:00:11,235
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,328 --> 00:00:14,238
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,331 --> 00:00:17,591
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:21,169
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,670
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,765 --> 00:00:24,081
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,099 --> 00:00:29,611
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,614
♪
11
00:00:35,444 --> 00:00:37,852
All right,
time for 8:15 drop-off.
12
00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:41,064
Now Mommy's on a quick
break till 3:30.
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00:00:41,066 --> 00:00:42,949
(sighs)
Toughest job in the world.
14
00:00:43,102 --> 00:00:45,711
Oh, look, Kylie's mom
is out of rehab.
15
00:00:45,862 --> 00:00:47,713
Good morning, little guy.
16
00:00:47,864 --> 00:00:50,440
Hey, Janet, good to see you.
17
00:00:50,459 --> 00:00:53,293
Hey, listen, thank you so much
for your apology email.
18
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,203
An individual one
would have been nice,
19
00:00:55,297 --> 00:00:57,723
but one to the whole class
was fine, too.
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00:00:57,874 --> 00:01:00,375
Have a good day, Stewie.
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00:01:00,469 --> 00:01:02,561
(loud thud)
22
00:01:02,712 --> 00:01:05,105
Oh, my God, please be
a dog. Please be a dog.
23
00:01:07,068 --> 00:01:09,142
(crying):
Ow. Ow...
24
00:01:09,295 --> 00:01:11,052
Oh, my God, it's a kid!
25
00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:13,647
It's Doug!
Nice hit, bitch.
26
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:16,057
Oh, and Elsa underwear.
27
00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:19,161
This day just keeps
getting better!
28
00:01:22,065 --> 00:01:23,974
Well, thank you all for coming.
29
00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:26,085
Can I get anyone
something to drink?
30
00:01:26,236 --> 00:01:28,478
I'm fine, but Doug's mother
would probably like
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00:01:28,497 --> 00:01:30,831
three martinis, and then to have
unprotected sex
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00:01:30,983 --> 00:01:32,240
with her boss at work.
33
00:01:32,334 --> 00:01:35,260
And Doug's father would love
a glass of warm tap water
34
00:01:35,412 --> 00:01:37,170
and to never make more
than $30,000 a year
35
00:01:37,323 --> 00:01:38,822
for the rest of his life.
36
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And here we go.
37
00:01:41,827 --> 00:01:44,252
Okay, well, I am just so sorry
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00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:46,012
about what happened with Doug.
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00:01:46,165 --> 00:01:48,014
I just didn't see
the little guy.
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00:01:48,167 --> 00:01:50,334
Well, maybe you ought
to get your eyes examined.
41
00:01:50,352 --> 00:01:53,503
I appreciate that it was
an accident, Mrs. Griffin.
42
00:01:53,597 --> 00:01:55,839
But nonetheless,
we've retained a lawyer.
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00:01:55,932 --> 00:01:58,024
Well, there must be some way
short of a lawsuit
44
00:01:58,119 --> 00:01:59,434
we can make this up to you.
45
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,511
Well, this is my weekend
with Doug,
46
00:02:01,530 --> 00:02:03,438
but I've got tickets
to see Lana Del Rey
47
00:02:03,532 --> 00:02:05,682
with our former nanny Jessica.
48
00:02:05,701 --> 00:02:06,867
(exhales sharply)
49
00:02:07,019 --> 00:02:10,036
She's 24.
So as a form of settlement,
50
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,689
maybe this weekend you can
put together a tree house
51
00:02:12,782 --> 00:02:14,024
I don't want to deal with.
52
00:02:14,193 --> 00:02:16,802
Fine. If that's what
I have to do to make this right,
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00:02:17,029 --> 00:02:19,972
then Peter and my children will
build your son's tree house.
54
00:02:20,123 --> 00:02:20,973
Deal.
55
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,142
All right, I guess now
the four men
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00:02:23,327 --> 00:02:25,535
awkwardly sit here while
my mom gives your mom
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00:02:25,629 --> 00:02:27,663
a tour of the house
that doesn't deserve one.
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00:02:27,723 --> 00:02:32,651
LOIS: And this is
a room adjacent to the room
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00:02:32,802 --> 00:02:33,801
we were just in.
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00:02:33,896 --> 00:02:36,196
DOUG'S MOTHER:
Ooh, what a fun house.
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00:02:39,234 --> 00:02:41,735
Okay, Mrs. Griffin,
tell me what you see.
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00:02:41,887 --> 00:02:44,812
Um, I see a cow in a lab coat,
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00:02:44,907 --> 00:02:46,665
some vultures
in a cowboy hat,
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00:02:46,816 --> 00:02:50,410
and a dog trying to trick a cat
into a clothes dryer.
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00:02:50,562 --> 00:02:53,230
Just as I thought.
You're Far-Sided.
66
00:02:53,248 --> 00:02:55,340
Oh, no.
What-what do I do about it?
67
00:02:55,492 --> 00:02:57,250
Oh, well, I'm no doctor,
but I would say
68
00:02:57,403 --> 00:02:59,236
you either need to get glasses
or maybe LASIK.
69
00:02:59,254 --> 00:03:01,180
Is that the surgery people get
70
00:03:01,331 --> 00:03:02,514
and then tell everybody
they got it?
71
00:03:02,666 --> 00:03:05,166
Yes, it's the veganism
of elective surgery.
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00:03:05,186 --> 00:03:06,501
If you're unsure
of what to do,
73
00:03:06,595 --> 00:03:08,503
here's a video of Radiohead
front man
74
00:03:08,597 --> 00:03:11,506
and super weirdo Thom Yorke
to help you decide.
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00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,417
Hello, I'm Thom Yorke.
76
00:03:13,435 --> 00:03:15,602
You might know me
from Radiohead
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00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:19,364
or my passing resemblance
to a melting Tilda Swinton.
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00:03:19,516 --> 00:03:22,609
Not many people know
that I'm blind in one eye.
79
00:03:22,761 --> 00:03:24,203
Can you guess which one?
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00:03:24,354 --> 00:03:26,112
-This is awful.
-Wait, just give it
a few minutes.
81
00:03:26,265 --> 00:03:27,873
All his stuff starts
kind of slow.
82
00:03:28,024 --> 00:03:29,766
Fine, I'll get the LASIK.
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00:03:29,785 --> 00:03:31,284
Great. Make an appointment
with my nurse.
84
00:03:31,437 --> 00:03:33,712
Now here's a lollipop
from the Sackler family
85
00:03:33,863 --> 00:03:35,631
that says, "Sowwy."
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THOM YORKE:
In the future, we won't
even need our eyes.
87
00:03:40,203 --> 00:03:42,054
Computers will see for us.
88
00:03:42,281 --> 00:03:44,723
Oh, now you're a doctor?
I guess I'm a singer now.
89
00:03:44,950 --> 00:03:47,041
♪ Tra-la-la-la-la. ♪
I'm Casey Kasem.
90
00:03:47,135 --> 00:03:49,877
(à la Kasem):
That was Elmer Hartman
peaking at number 32 with
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00:03:49,972 --> 00:03:53,232
"I Hate Computers (Tra-La-La)."
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00:03:58,239 --> 00:04:00,239
Mrs. Griffin,
the surgery was a success.
93
00:04:00,390 --> 00:04:02,466
And by that,
I mean the hospital agreed
94
00:04:02,484 --> 00:04:03,633
to take your Discover card.
95
00:04:03,727 --> 00:04:05,635
Plus, we'll get one percent
of that back,
96
00:04:05,729 --> 00:04:07,663
which is basically
like getting nothing.
97
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:20,908
(gasps)
Oh, my God... I'm blind.
98
00:04:21,003 --> 00:04:22,928
PETER:
What do you mean you're blind?
99
00:04:23,155 --> 00:04:25,264
-Y-You can't see me right now?
-No!
100
00:04:25,415 --> 00:04:29,009
But you can still see, like,
the stove and laundry, right?
101
00:04:29,161 --> 00:04:30,827
But, Mom, we got you a balloo...
102
00:04:30,846 --> 00:04:32,104
Shh, shh, shh.
103
00:04:32,255 --> 00:04:34,014
(whispers):
She doesn't know
about the balloon.
104
00:04:34,108 --> 00:04:36,591
Don't worry, Lois, we'll be
right by your side
105
00:04:36,685 --> 00:04:39,528
the whole time, and not outside
playing with a balloon.
106
00:04:42,599 --> 00:04:44,841
(Peter laughing)
107
00:04:44,860 --> 00:04:46,510
I love you, balloon.
108
00:04:46,528 --> 00:04:48,120
Oh-oh, oh, no, no!
109
00:04:48,347 --> 00:04:49,937
I'm coming, balloon!
110
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:52,682
(air hisses, Peter inhales)
111
00:04:52,701 --> 00:04:54,376
(helium voice):
Don't tell your mother
about this.
112
00:05:02,619 --> 00:05:05,304
Don't worry, Lois,
I went blind a while back.
113
00:05:05,455 --> 00:05:07,197
It was cool.
They're some of the last people
114
00:05:07,215 --> 00:05:08,548
you can still make fun of.
115
00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:10,642
-Dad!
-It's fine, they won't see this.
116
00:05:10,869 --> 00:05:13,145
Dr. Hartman, you said
there was very little risk
117
00:05:13,296 --> 00:05:15,147
to LASIK, but now
I am blind.
118
00:05:15,298 --> 00:05:16,222
How did this happen?
119
00:05:16,375 --> 00:05:17,799
Okay, look,
this isn't my fault.
120
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,709
It was Take-Your-Cat-
To-Work day.
121
00:05:19,803 --> 00:05:22,070
(meows)
122
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:29,903
Dr. Hartman, what does this
mean, you know, for me?
123
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,555
Well, whatever your wife
did for you,
124
00:05:31,573 --> 00:05:33,223
you'll now have to do
for yourselves.
125
00:05:33,241 --> 00:05:35,108
And until she gets used
to her new life,
126
00:05:35,260 --> 00:05:36,893
you'll need to take care of her.
127
00:05:36,912 --> 00:05:38,578
Feed her, bathe her,
drive her places.
128
00:05:38,730 --> 00:05:41,715
-They're gone, aren't they?
-They left, yes.
129
00:05:45,587 --> 00:05:48,180
There they are.
I thought we said 10:00 sharp,
130
00:05:48,407 --> 00:05:50,331
but we must have said 10:18.
131
00:05:50,351 --> 00:05:52,667
(chuckles)
No one's fault,
but going forward,
132
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,837
let's make sure we respect
each other's time, hmm?
133
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,098
-You must be Chris.
-I must?
134
00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,525
You know, we have
a friend in common:
135
00:06:00,677 --> 00:06:01,918
Mr. Herbert.
136
00:06:01,937 --> 00:06:03,195
How do you know Mr. Herbert?
137
00:06:03,422 --> 00:06:05,864
We're friends. Sometimes
he comes to my art shows,
138
00:06:06,091 --> 00:06:07,107
and we get ice cream after.
139
00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:09,201
Let me guess,
he takes you to the park
140
00:06:09,428 --> 00:06:11,444
where the swings go really high?
141
00:06:11,597 --> 00:06:13,263
-He does.
-Uh-huh.
142
00:06:13,281 --> 00:06:15,432
That'll stop.
And the ice cream?
143
00:06:15,450 --> 00:06:16,691
Don't get used to it.
144
00:06:16,785 --> 00:06:20,027
I've seen a thousand of you.
I've outlasted them.
145
00:06:20,122 --> 00:06:21,529
I'll outlast you.
146
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:24,883
Okay, uh, my dad left
a note for you, Mr. Griffin.
147
00:06:25,034 --> 00:06:28,111
"Griffins, build this tree house
for my son.
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00:06:28,130 --> 00:06:30,463
"He will love it for a year,
until my housekeeper
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00:06:30,616 --> 00:06:33,058
"moves into it, even though
it doesn't have electricity
150
00:06:33,209 --> 00:06:34,375
"or running water.
151
00:06:34,469 --> 00:06:37,044
She walked here from Guatemala.
She'll be fine."
152
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,714
Let's get started, boys.
153
00:06:39,808 --> 00:06:41,382
Aw, man, this is gonna
be more work
154
00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:43,885
than when I built that Habitat
for Sean Hannity.
155
00:06:43,979 --> 00:06:46,053
As you can see, we've
made everything white,
156
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,147
like you requested.
157
00:06:47,299 --> 00:06:48,073
Here's a room to recover
158
00:06:48,224 --> 00:06:49,074
from your sodium headaches,
159
00:06:49,225 --> 00:06:50,300
and on the walls, I painted
160
00:06:50,318 --> 00:06:51,726
some of your most famous quotes.
161
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:52,969
There's the one where
you compared
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00:06:53,062 --> 00:06:55,730
the homosexual lifestyle
to playing in the sewer,
163
00:06:55,824 --> 00:06:57,474
and there's the one where
you defended Roy Moore.
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00:06:57,567 --> 00:06:59,175
-Nice.
-Uh-huh.
165
00:06:59,177 --> 00:07:01,586
And here's a room where you can
blame things on an immigrant.
166
00:07:01,738 --> 00:07:05,382
Hey, nothing personal,
I just peddle hate for money.
167
00:07:08,411 --> 00:07:10,262
ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Blindflix,
168
00:07:10,413 --> 00:07:12,413
the streaming service
for blind people.
169
00:07:12,507 --> 00:07:15,249
I can't believe it's
the year 2034,
170
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:18,344
Earth is uninhabitable,
and we're hurtling through space
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00:07:18,497 --> 00:07:20,605
to find a place for humanity
to start again.
172
00:07:20,832 --> 00:07:24,592
Thankfully, we are Chris Evans
and Vanessa Hudgens,
173
00:07:24,686 --> 00:07:27,187
and have sexy bodies that will
make beautiful
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00:07:27,339 --> 00:07:29,172
racially nuanced babies.
175
00:07:29,265 --> 00:07:31,007
I love you, Chris Evans.
176
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:33,452
I love you, too,
Vanessa Hudgens.
177
00:07:33,603 --> 00:07:35,512
Kiss me.
178
00:07:35,530 --> 00:07:37,539
(both moaning)
179
00:07:41,703 --> 00:07:43,995
Ah, this show is so sexy.
180
00:07:44,222 --> 00:07:45,538
How you doing, Mom?
181
00:07:45,691 --> 00:07:46,856
Do you need to go poopies?
182
00:07:46,875 --> 00:07:49,192
Meg, please stop
asking me that.
183
00:07:49,285 --> 00:07:52,471
I'm sorry, I just--
I hate being so dependent
184
00:07:52,698 --> 00:07:53,972
on other people.
185
00:07:54,199 --> 00:07:55,974
I feel helpless and worthless.
186
00:07:56,201 --> 00:08:00,127
I get it. I feel helpless
and worthless 24-sevs.
187
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,462
How do you deal with it?
188
00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:04,224
Cutting, minor arson,
and sometimes I post
189
00:08:04,376 --> 00:08:06,133
empowerment videos on YouTube.
190
00:08:06,228 --> 00:08:07,877
Empowerment videos?
191
00:08:07,896 --> 00:08:09,971
I thought YouTube went
out of business.
192
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,472
Uh, what am I thinking of?
193
00:08:11,566 --> 00:08:13,383
-Circuit City.
-Yes.
194
00:08:13,401 --> 00:08:14,734
Here. The camera's on.
195
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,904
Just getting your feelings out
will make you feel better.
196
00:08:18,056 --> 00:08:21,666
Oh, okay.
Um, hello.
197
00:08:21,893 --> 00:08:23,651
Uh, my name is Lois Griffin,
198
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:27,580
and I... am blind.
199
00:08:27,733 --> 00:08:30,900
Uh, I went to the hospital
for a simple surgery
200
00:08:30,994 --> 00:08:32,919
and woke up in the ICU.
201
00:08:33,071 --> 00:08:36,089
But the irony was
I couldn't see you.
202
00:08:36,241 --> 00:08:38,758
I couldn't see anyone
or anything.
203
00:08:38,910 --> 00:08:40,410
Even the people closest to me
204
00:08:40,428 --> 00:08:43,063
who need to be seen
the most.
205
00:08:45,417 --> 00:08:48,693
So now I suppose
if I want to see again,
206
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:50,845
I'll have to listen more
207
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,848
and-and feel more
and focus on
208
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:58,019
what's on the inside and not
what I can see on the outside.
209
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,205
(sighs)
210
00:09:01,950 --> 00:09:05,101
Okay, that's all for now.
211
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,620
Mom, that was incredible.
212
00:09:07,773 --> 00:09:08,955
You really spoke to me.
213
00:09:09,107 --> 00:09:11,441
Who-Who's that?
Is that Lois?
214
00:09:11,534 --> 00:09:13,610
Peter, I'm the one who's blind.
215
00:09:13,628 --> 00:09:16,096
Sorry, I-I'm still getting
used to things.
216
00:09:19,542 --> 00:09:21,968
I can't believe
Doug's dad texted me
217
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,953
and said we had to come
to Doug's T-ball game
218
00:09:23,972 --> 00:09:24,971
or he was gonna sue us.
219
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,565
Looks like they got
Big League Chew.
220
00:09:26,716 --> 00:09:29,475
Yeah, I saw that. I saw that
they got Big League Chew.
221
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:32,404
Ah, the baseball field.
Good memories.
222
00:09:32,555 --> 00:09:35,240
Lost my v-card here
with Jennifer Jason Leigh
223
00:09:35,391 --> 00:09:36,649
in that dugout right over there.
224
00:09:36,802 --> 00:09:37,892
That was Fast Times.
225
00:09:37,986 --> 00:09:41,204
Yeah, fast for her, maybe.
I took a while.
226
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,825
(whistling)
227
00:09:45,977 --> 00:09:48,478
Excuse me. What happened
to your big trip
228
00:09:48,496 --> 00:09:49,737
to Providence?
229
00:09:49,831 --> 00:09:52,073
Good morning, sports fans.
230
00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:54,834
You ready to witness
the epitome of excellence?
231
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,303
Check this out.
232
00:09:57,839 --> 00:10:00,390
(chuckling):
Oh. Ball one.
233
00:10:02,344 --> 00:10:03,727
(grunts)
234
00:10:06,331 --> 00:10:08,106
Look, spaz,
hold the bat like this,
235
00:10:08,333 --> 00:10:10,692
and then step into it
as you swing forward.
236
00:10:14,356 --> 00:10:16,781
I did it.
Thanks, Mr. Griffin.
237
00:10:16,933 --> 00:10:19,266
-I'm leaving.
-Come on, Chris.
238
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:22,679
Don't be mad.
My plans changed.
239
00:10:22,697 --> 00:10:23,863
Oh, hey, Doug.
240
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,707
CHRIS:
Are you kidding me?!
241
00:10:29,871 --> 00:10:31,946
Mom, you won't believe
what happened.
242
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,798
Your video went viral.
243
00:10:33,950 --> 00:10:36,617
Oh, does that mean
Circuit City's back?
244
00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:40,697
No, it means your ICU video
really connected with people.
245
00:10:40,715 --> 00:10:43,549
You're helping people
who feel unseen, Mom.
246
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:46,052
Like me.
You're everywhere.
247
00:10:46,204 --> 00:10:48,054
Okay, so what am I supposed
to do now?
248
00:10:48,206 --> 00:10:49,814
Make another video.
249
00:10:50,041 --> 00:10:51,132
Hi, Lois, I didn't get
a monkey.
250
00:10:51,226 --> 00:10:52,876
Off to see Bananarama. Bye.
251
00:10:52,969 --> 00:10:54,802
♪ I'm your Venus... ♪
252
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:58,198
Well, it's not what I thought
it was gonna be either.
253
00:11:01,236 --> 00:11:03,477
Mom, I made some ICU T-shirts.
254
00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:06,831
What's going on?
Who are these people?
255
00:11:07,058 --> 00:11:08,149
My team.
256
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,410
ICU has exploded.
257
00:11:10,562 --> 00:11:13,171
There's ICU Fashion,
ICU Skincare,
258
00:11:13,398 --> 00:11:16,157
ICU Health.
It is a gold mine.
259
00:11:16,251 --> 00:11:18,067
Okay, but what does any
of this have to do with
260
00:11:18,161 --> 00:11:20,236
seeing people for
who they really are?
261
00:11:20,255 --> 00:11:22,180
Oh, pfft,
who cares about that?
262
00:11:22,407 --> 00:11:25,091
I do. ICU was an idea
I could really believe in,
263
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,685
and you're ruining it.
264
00:11:26,912 --> 00:11:29,429
I'm not ruining it,
I'm expanding it.
265
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,523
You know, I'm the one
who went blind, Meg.
266
00:11:31,750 --> 00:11:33,249
I'm the one who's suffering.
267
00:11:33,384 --> 00:11:35,843
Now the least I can do is
make some money from it.
268
00:11:35,937 --> 00:11:37,270
Now stand back.
269
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,656
It's time to make
another video.
270
00:11:41,642 --> 00:11:44,035
Hello, Seers, Lois here.
271
00:11:44,187 --> 00:11:47,597
You know, sometimes the darkness
gets overwhelming,
272
00:11:47,690 --> 00:11:51,935
and that's when I turn
to ICU Essential Oils.
273
00:11:51,953 --> 00:11:56,047
It calms you before sleep,
or you can cook chicken in it.
274
00:11:56,199 --> 00:12:00,009
(upbeat music playing)
275
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,980
Oh, my God.
276
00:12:14,276 --> 00:12:15,900
I can see.
277
00:12:16,052 --> 00:12:17,402
Oh, God, but if anybody
finds out,
278
00:12:17,629 --> 00:12:19,404
it'll ruin my ICU brand.
279
00:12:19,555 --> 00:12:22,315
Ugh. Peter told me
he'd been doing laundry.
280
00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:25,468
You know, now I'm even wondering
if he lost those 75 pounds
281
00:12:25,487 --> 00:12:26,244
like he said.
282
00:12:26,395 --> 00:12:27,245
PETER:
What's that, Lois?
283
00:12:27,396 --> 00:12:28,913
I'm just on the spin bike.
284
00:12:29,065 --> 00:12:30,397
Got a good sweat going.
285
00:12:30,492 --> 00:12:33,293
Boy, you're right,
Sarah loves those hills.
286
00:12:41,410 --> 00:12:43,653
Okay, here's the microphone.
287
00:12:43,671 --> 00:12:44,821
Yeah, I see it.
288
00:12:44,839 --> 00:12:47,173
I-I mean, oh, thank you.
289
00:12:47,325 --> 00:12:49,100
Uh, i-is that Meg?
290
00:12:49,327 --> 00:12:51,102
Mom, what's going on with you?
291
00:12:51,329 --> 00:12:54,013
Nothing. Especially my eyesight.
292
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,849
I am still very, very blind.
293
00:12:57,002 --> 00:12:59,352
Thank you all
for coming today.
294
00:12:59,504 --> 00:13:02,505
I can't see you,
because I'm blind,
295
00:13:02,524 --> 00:13:03,948
but ICU.
296
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:05,950
(cheering)
297
00:13:06,102 --> 00:13:09,120
Please be sure to try out
our new colonic partnership
298
00:13:09,272 --> 00:13:11,438
with increasingly irrelevant
rapper Eminem,
299
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:12,849
the Eminenema.
300
00:13:12,984 --> 00:13:16,352
It promises to clear out
"8 Miles" of mom's spaghetti.
301
00:13:16,371 --> 00:13:19,947
It goes in slim clear
and comes out slim shady.
302
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,283
Thank you, I'm blind.
303
00:13:22,377 --> 00:13:24,511
(cheering)
304
00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:32,143
That was incredible, Lois.
305
00:13:32,370 --> 00:13:34,220
You're a real inspiration.
306
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,314
My name is
Wanda Keptmymaidenname,
307
00:13:36,465 --> 00:13:38,057
and I work for Helen.
308
00:13:38,209 --> 00:13:42,487
(gasps)
Helen Disingenuous, the beloved
daytime talk show host
309
00:13:42,714 --> 00:13:44,714
who gives millions away
to those in need
310
00:13:44,807 --> 00:13:46,549
and is still somehow loathed?
311
00:13:46,642 --> 00:13:50,644
Well, "loathed" is a little bit
exactly right, but yes.
312
00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,313
I'm here, Lois, because
Helen has been
313
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:55,166
following your success and would
love to make it her own.
314
00:13:55,393 --> 00:13:57,910
Would you consider being
a guest on our show?
315
00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:00,746
Oh, my gosh, really?
That's amazing.
316
00:14:00,899 --> 00:14:02,415
So I get to go to Hollywood?
317
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,083
We actually tape the show
in Burbank.
318
00:14:04,235 --> 00:14:06,845
-Oh. What's the difference?
-(laughs)
319
00:14:06,996 --> 00:14:09,072
That's hilarious.
320
00:14:09,090 --> 00:14:11,240
I'll have someone who makes
a lot less money than me
321
00:14:11,259 --> 00:14:12,592
set everything up.
322
00:14:12,744 --> 00:14:14,410
Meg, can you believe it?
323
00:14:14,429 --> 00:14:17,171
This is gonna take ICU global.
324
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:20,483
I'll be more popular than
a Robert Redford clip.
325
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:32,111
Hey, guys. My dad made you
another list.
326
00:14:32,263 --> 00:14:34,931
"Teach Doug to ride a bike,
bake cookies,
327
00:14:34,949 --> 00:14:36,374
listen to his Archer
impression."
328
00:14:36,601 --> 00:14:38,284
This is ridiculous.
We're not doing any of this.
329
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:41,028
I don't know, I kind of want
to hear his Archer impression.
330
00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:43,047
Yeah, I'm curious.
331
00:14:43,199 --> 00:14:47,110
(as Archer):
I'm an international spy,
but I also do mundane things.
332
00:14:47,203 --> 00:14:49,554
Okay, all right.
That's-that's pretty good.
333
00:14:49,705 --> 00:14:50,889
But that's it. No more.
334
00:14:51,116 --> 00:14:54,041
Then I guess my dad
will just have to sue you.
335
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,952
You know what?
Go ahead and sue us.
336
00:14:55,970 --> 00:14:56,953
I mean, look at this guy.
337
00:14:56,971 --> 00:14:58,045
What do you think
you're gonna get?
338
00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,381
We came here in his dog's car.
339
00:15:00,475 --> 00:15:02,049
But we had a deal.
340
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,885
Well, the deal's off.
I'll call your dad myself.
341
00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:07,130
No, don't.
342
00:15:07,223 --> 00:15:09,073
-(phone ringing)
-What the...?
343
00:15:13,062 --> 00:15:15,914
It was you making us do
all that stuff.
344
00:15:16,065 --> 00:15:17,473
You made fools of us, Doug!
345
00:15:17,492 --> 00:15:18,399
Get him.
346
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:20,919
-(Chris grunting)
-(Brian barking)
347
00:15:21,070 --> 00:15:22,478
Dad, help.
348
00:15:22,497 --> 00:15:25,164
I'm not Dad.
I'm Pete the Pirate.
349
00:15:25,316 --> 00:15:26,816
God, I already told you.
350
00:15:26,909 --> 00:15:28,167
Why did you do it?
351
00:15:28,319 --> 00:15:30,002
Why did you make us
do all that stuff
352
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:33,172
For this. I did it for this.
353
00:15:33,324 --> 00:15:35,224
What? What do you mean?
354
00:15:36,511 --> 00:15:39,845
(sighs)
I don't have a dog
or a brother.
355
00:15:39,998 --> 00:15:42,014
Or even a father, really.
356
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:46,018
But these past few days
I felt like I've had all that.
357
00:15:46,171 --> 00:15:48,688
I'm sorry, but I didn't know
any other way
358
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,764
to get you
to spend time with me.
359
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,284
Doug, there you are.
Thank God!
360
00:15:53,436 --> 00:15:55,536
♪
361
00:16:00,201 --> 00:16:02,776
Hey, I got your message
about the miscarriage.
362
00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:04,778
So, Saturday night?
363
00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,113
What a dick.
364
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:08,524
You know what?
I'm gonna go poop in his shoes.
365
00:16:08,543 --> 00:16:10,526
You'd do that for me?
366
00:16:10,545 --> 00:16:12,453
Sure I will, buddy.
367
00:16:12,547 --> 00:16:15,698
Hang on, Brian.
I got one in the chamber.
368
00:16:15,791 --> 00:16:19,035
-I'll join you.
-Thanks, guys.
369
00:16:19,053 --> 00:16:20,536
I guess that just leaves us.
370
00:16:20,629 --> 00:16:23,147
Look, I think you're
a total garbage person.
371
00:16:23,374 --> 00:16:25,316
-Same.
-And being nice to you
goes against
372
00:16:25,468 --> 00:16:27,468
-everything I stand for.
-Same.
373
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,378
Okay, don't be the person
who just says "same,"
374
00:16:29,397 --> 00:16:30,730
like it's a real response.
375
00:16:30,882 --> 00:16:33,232
You know what, let's just hate
each other in public
376
00:16:33,384 --> 00:16:36,219
and maybe not hate each other
as much in private.
377
00:16:36,312 --> 00:16:37,996
Like George
and Kellyanne Conway?
378
00:16:38,147 --> 00:16:40,498
What is up with those two?
379
00:16:43,394 --> 00:16:46,653
Ah, this is really gonna put
ICU over the top, Meg.
380
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,231
I am gonna be rich.
381
00:16:48,324 --> 00:16:51,492
Now, which one is better,
the blue or the green?
382
00:16:51,586 --> 00:16:54,095
Wait, how do you know
what colors they are?
383
00:16:55,498 --> 00:16:58,924
(gasps)
Mom, you can see? I knew it.
384
00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:03,003
Okay, fine.
Yes, I can see.
385
00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:05,765
I can't believe
you've been lying. Why?
386
00:17:05,917 --> 00:17:07,750
Don't you get it?
I have to be blind
387
00:17:07,769 --> 00:17:09,176
to keep the money rolling in.
388
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:13,013
Nobody's gonna be inspired
by a middle-aged, cisgendered,
389
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:16,092
-able-bodied white woman.
-Or man.
390
00:17:16,185 --> 00:17:17,535
Now, you keep
your mouth shut, or I will...
391
00:17:17,686 --> 00:17:18,703
Knock knock.
392
00:17:18,854 --> 00:17:21,280
Helen, is that you?
393
00:17:21,432 --> 00:17:24,375
Oh, I'm so blind.
(nervous chuckle)
394
00:17:25,787 --> 00:17:29,213
I just wanted to say hello,
welcome you to the show.
395
00:17:29,365 --> 00:17:31,290
Have you been to Burbank before?
396
00:17:31,442 --> 00:17:34,201
-Never.
-Oh, well, while you're waiting,
397
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,112
check out this video I made
398
00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:38,539
for the Burbank Tourism
Association.
399
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,284
HELEN (narrating):
Welcome to beautiful
Burbank, California,
400
00:17:41,302 --> 00:17:43,469
home of more year-round
Halloween stores
401
00:17:43,621 --> 00:17:45,229
than any other city
in the world.
402
00:17:45,381 --> 00:17:47,881
Do you like Jack in the Box?
Then you're in luck.
403
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,216
We've got six of them.
404
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:50,902
If you've ever wanted
to visit a place
405
00:17:51,129 --> 00:17:53,053
where you can hear the freeway
from literally
406
00:17:53,147 --> 00:17:55,798
every spot in town,
then Burbank is for you.
407
00:17:55,817 --> 00:17:58,301
Want to do drugs
in an empty swimming pool
408
00:17:58,319 --> 00:17:59,802
with a couch in it?
409
00:17:59,821 --> 00:18:02,154
Want to see what you imagine
an affluent neighborhood
410
00:18:02,307 --> 00:18:03,564
in Honduras looks like?
411
00:18:03,658 --> 00:18:05,917
You can do all of that
and so much more
412
00:18:06,068 --> 00:18:08,211
in Burbank.
413
00:18:10,315 --> 00:18:12,423
(cheers and applause)
414
00:18:14,076 --> 00:18:17,578
We're here with Lois Griffin,
founder of ICU
415
00:18:17,672 --> 00:18:21,432
and an inspiration to millions
of easily persuadable women.
416
00:18:21,584 --> 00:18:25,085
So, Lois, I understand,
in addition to everything else,
417
00:18:25,179 --> 00:18:27,830
you've started
the ICU Foundation.
418
00:18:27,849 --> 00:18:29,256
That's right, Helen.
419
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:30,833
You know, you haven't
really made it until
420
00:18:30,926 --> 00:18:32,335
you're able to convince
rich people
421
00:18:32,428 --> 00:18:34,837
to give you money
for a nebulous and undefined
422
00:18:34,856 --> 00:18:36,339
important cause.
423
00:18:36,357 --> 00:18:39,024
And what will your foundation
focus on?
424
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:43,579
Women's issues.
And the environment.
425
00:18:47,185 --> 00:18:50,628
-Refugees.
-(applause)
426
00:18:50,855 --> 00:18:52,279
Well, we support you,
427
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,690
so we've got a surprise for you.
428
00:18:54,709 --> 00:18:57,802
♪
429
00:18:57,953 --> 00:18:59,953
Oh, my God.
Reese Witherspoon?!
430
00:19:00,047 --> 00:19:01,380
I love her.
431
00:19:01,532 --> 00:19:02,698
(all gasp)
432
00:19:02,717 --> 00:19:06,793
Lois, how did you know
it was Reese Witherspoon
433
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,146
-if you can't see?
-Ah.
434
00:19:08,297 --> 00:19:11,983
Um, that's-that's just,
um, what I say
435
00:19:12,134 --> 00:19:15,135
when I'm excited.
Reese Witherspoon!
436
00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:17,546
Lois, are you actually blind?
437
00:19:17,565 --> 00:19:21,200
Yes. I mean...
438
00:19:28,910 --> 00:19:31,151
No.
439
00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:33,562
I was blind
when I started ICU,
440
00:19:33,581 --> 00:19:36,248
but I got my sight back
a few days ago.
441
00:19:36,401 --> 00:19:39,402
I just wanted to make
a difference and, you know,
442
00:19:39,495 --> 00:19:42,755
maybe get money
from sympathetic strangers.
443
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,348
I'm sorry.
444
00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:47,685
Hey, y'all, can I put
this big ole check down?
445
00:19:47,836 --> 00:19:49,336
My arms ain't but small sticks.
446
00:19:49,430 --> 00:19:52,857
Oh, shut up, Reese Witherspoon,
you big phony.
447
00:19:53,084 --> 00:19:54,841
There's no way you've read
all those books
448
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:56,419
you slap your sticker on.
449
00:19:56,437 --> 00:19:59,530
Well, Lois, you've disappointed
a lot of people here today.
450
00:19:59,757 --> 00:20:02,200
And since this is daytime TV,
you'll have to stand trial
451
00:20:02,351 --> 00:20:03,943
on a Black judge show.
452
00:20:04,095 --> 00:20:07,446
(upbeat theme music playing)
453
00:20:07,598 --> 00:20:09,949
Lois Griffin,
I find you guilty,
454
00:20:10,101 --> 00:20:12,543
and I sentence you
to pay your roommate back
455
00:20:12,695 --> 00:20:13,860
for his dog food,
456
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,380
or whatever dumb (bleep)
this one's about.
457
00:20:22,630 --> 00:20:25,205
Well, Lois, I'm glad
you're not blind anymore.
458
00:20:25,299 --> 00:20:28,226
Oh, me, too. I just wish
I'd handled it better.
459
00:20:28,453 --> 00:20:29,876
Hey, at least you got
to go to Hollywood.
460
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:31,562
-Burbank.
-What's the difference?
461
00:20:31,789 --> 00:20:33,789
Oh, boy, I'll show you.
462
00:20:33,882 --> 00:20:37,050
HELEN (narrating):
Want to get your car washed
by a former Nickelodeon star?
463
00:20:37,144 --> 00:20:38,978
Want to take an improv class
from an instructor
464
00:20:39,130 --> 00:20:40,629
you have to drive home after?
465
00:20:40,648 --> 00:20:42,389
You can in Burbank.
466
00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:45,409
Buy a house with a second floor
no one got permits for,
467
00:20:45,636 --> 00:20:48,971
and then watch the 98-degree
winter nights tick by
468
00:20:49,064 --> 00:20:51,082
through rusty bars
on your windows.
469
00:20:51,233 --> 00:20:54,234
Share a duplex with
that guy from that thing.
470
00:20:54,328 --> 00:20:56,996
Pay L.A. prices
for Orlando amenities
471
00:20:57,148 --> 00:20:58,965
in Burbank.