1 00:00:02,228 --> 00:00:04,336 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,488 --> 00:00:07,564 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,583 --> 00:00:11,235 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,328 --> 00:00:14,238 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,331 --> 00:00:17,591 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:21,169 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,670 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,765 --> 00:00:24,081 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,099 --> 00:00:29,611 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,614 ♪ 11 00:00:35,444 --> 00:00:37,852 All right, time for 8:15 drop-off. 12 00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:41,064 Now Mommy's on a quick break till 3:30. 13 00:00:41,066 --> 00:00:42,949 (sighs) Toughest job in the world. 14 00:00:43,102 --> 00:00:45,711 Oh, look, Kylie's mom is out of rehab. 15 00:00:45,862 --> 00:00:47,713 Good morning, little guy. 16 00:00:47,864 --> 00:00:50,440 Hey, Janet, good to see you. 17 00:00:50,459 --> 00:00:53,293 Hey, listen, thank you so much for your apology email. 18 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,203 An individual one would have been nice, 19 00:00:55,297 --> 00:00:57,723 but one to the whole class was fine, too. 20 00:00:57,874 --> 00:01:00,375 Have a good day, Stewie. 21 00:01:00,469 --> 00:01:02,561 (loud thud) 22 00:01:02,712 --> 00:01:05,105 Oh, my God, please be a dog. Please be a dog. 23 00:01:07,068 --> 00:01:09,142 (crying): Ow. Ow... 24 00:01:09,295 --> 00:01:11,052 Oh, my God, it's a kid! 25 00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:13,647 It's Doug! Nice hit, bitch. 26 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:16,057 Oh, and Elsa underwear. 27 00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:19,161 This day just keeps getting better! 28 00:01:22,065 --> 00:01:23,974 Well, thank you all for coming. 29 00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:26,085 Can I get anyone something to drink? 30 00:01:26,236 --> 00:01:28,478 I'm fine, but Doug's mother would probably like 31 00:01:28,497 --> 00:01:30,831 three martinis, and then to have unprotected sex 32 00:01:30,983 --> 00:01:32,240 with her boss at work. 33 00:01:32,334 --> 00:01:35,260 And Doug's father would love a glass of warm tap water 34 00:01:35,412 --> 00:01:37,170 and to never make more than $30,000 a year 35 00:01:37,323 --> 00:01:38,822 for the rest of his life. 36 00:01:38,841 --> 00:01:41,600 And here we go. 37 00:01:41,827 --> 00:01:44,252 Okay, well, I am just so sorry 38 00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:46,012 about what happened with Doug. 39 00:01:46,165 --> 00:01:48,014 I just didn't see the little guy. 40 00:01:48,167 --> 00:01:50,334 Well, maybe you ought to get your eyes examined. 41 00:01:50,352 --> 00:01:53,503 I appreciate that it was an accident, Mrs. Griffin. 42 00:01:53,597 --> 00:01:55,839 But nonetheless, we've retained a lawyer. 43 00:01:55,932 --> 00:01:58,024 Well, there must be some way short of a lawsuit 44 00:01:58,119 --> 00:01:59,434 we can make this up to you. 45 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,511 Well, this is my weekend with Doug, 46 00:02:01,530 --> 00:02:03,438 but I've got tickets to see Lana Del Rey 47 00:02:03,532 --> 00:02:05,682 with our former nanny Jessica. 48 00:02:05,701 --> 00:02:06,867 (exhales sharply) 49 00:02:07,019 --> 00:02:10,036 She's 24. So as a form of settlement, 50 00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,689 maybe this weekend you can put together a tree house 51 00:02:12,782 --> 00:02:14,024 I don't want to deal with. 52 00:02:14,193 --> 00:02:16,802 Fine. If that's what I have to do to make this right, 53 00:02:17,029 --> 00:02:19,972 then Peter and my children will build your son's tree house. 54 00:02:20,123 --> 00:02:20,973 Deal. 55 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,142 All right, I guess now the four men 56 00:02:23,327 --> 00:02:25,535 awkwardly sit here while my mom gives your mom 57 00:02:25,629 --> 00:02:27,663 a tour of the house that doesn't deserve one. 58 00:02:27,723 --> 00:02:32,651 LOIS: And this is a room adjacent to the room 59 00:02:32,802 --> 00:02:33,801 we were just in. 60 00:02:33,896 --> 00:02:36,196 DOUG'S MOTHER: Ooh, what a fun house. 61 00:02:39,234 --> 00:02:41,735 Okay, Mrs. Griffin, tell me what you see. 62 00:02:41,887 --> 00:02:44,812 Um, I see a cow in a lab coat, 63 00:02:44,907 --> 00:02:46,665 some vultures in a cowboy hat, 64 00:02:46,816 --> 00:02:50,410 and a dog trying to trick a cat into a clothes dryer. 65 00:02:50,562 --> 00:02:53,230 Just as I thought. You're Far-Sided. 66 00:02:53,248 --> 00:02:55,340 Oh, no. What-what do I do about it? 67 00:02:55,492 --> 00:02:57,250 Oh, well, I'm no doctor, but I would say 68 00:02:57,403 --> 00:02:59,236 you either need to get glasses or maybe LASIK. 69 00:02:59,254 --> 00:03:01,180 Is that the surgery people get 70 00:03:01,331 --> 00:03:02,514 and then tell everybody they got it? 71 00:03:02,666 --> 00:03:05,166 Yes, it's the veganism of elective surgery. 72 00:03:05,186 --> 00:03:06,501 If you're unsure of what to do, 73 00:03:06,595 --> 00:03:08,503 here's a video of Radiohead front man 74 00:03:08,597 --> 00:03:11,506 and super weirdo Thom Yorke to help you decide. 75 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,417 Hello, I'm Thom Yorke. 76 00:03:13,435 --> 00:03:15,602 You might know me from Radiohead 77 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:19,364 or my passing resemblance to a melting Tilda Swinton. 78 00:03:19,516 --> 00:03:22,609 Not many people know that I'm blind in one eye. 79 00:03:22,761 --> 00:03:24,203 Can you guess which one? 80 00:03:24,354 --> 00:03:26,112 -This is awful. -Wait, just give it a few minutes. 81 00:03:26,265 --> 00:03:27,873 All his stuff starts kind of slow. 82 00:03:28,024 --> 00:03:29,766 Fine, I'll get the LASIK. 83 00:03:29,785 --> 00:03:31,284 Great. Make an appointment with my nurse. 84 00:03:31,437 --> 00:03:33,712 Now here's a lollipop from the Sackler family 85 00:03:33,863 --> 00:03:35,631 that says, "Sowwy." 86 00:03:37,459 --> 00:03:40,110 THOM YORKE: In the future, we won't even need our eyes. 87 00:03:40,203 --> 00:03:42,054 Computers will see for us. 88 00:03:42,281 --> 00:03:44,723 Oh, now you're a doctor? I guess I'm a singer now. 89 00:03:44,950 --> 00:03:47,041 ♪ Tra-la-la-la-la. ♪ I'm Casey Kasem. 90 00:03:47,135 --> 00:03:49,877 (à la Kasem): That was Elmer Hartman peaking at number 32 with 91 00:03:49,972 --> 00:03:53,232 "I Hate Computers (Tra-La-La)." 92 00:03:58,239 --> 00:04:00,239 Mrs. Griffin, the surgery was a success. 93 00:04:00,390 --> 00:04:02,466 And by that, I mean the hospital agreed 94 00:04:02,484 --> 00:04:03,633 to take your Discover card. 95 00:04:03,727 --> 00:04:05,635 Plus, we'll get one percent of that back, 96 00:04:05,729 --> 00:04:07,663 which is basically like getting nothing. 97 00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:20,908 (gasps) Oh, my God... I'm blind. 98 00:04:21,003 --> 00:04:22,928 PETER: What do you mean you're blind? 99 00:04:23,155 --> 00:04:25,264 -Y-You can't see me right now? -No! 100 00:04:25,415 --> 00:04:29,009 But you can still see, like, the stove and laundry, right? 101 00:04:29,161 --> 00:04:30,827 But, Mom, we got you a balloo... 102 00:04:30,846 --> 00:04:32,104 Shh, shh, shh. 103 00:04:32,255 --> 00:04:34,014 (whispers): She doesn't know about the balloon. 104 00:04:34,108 --> 00:04:36,591 Don't worry, Lois, we'll be right by your side 105 00:04:36,685 --> 00:04:39,528 the whole time, and not outside playing with a balloon. 106 00:04:42,599 --> 00:04:44,841 (Peter laughing) 107 00:04:44,860 --> 00:04:46,510 I love you, balloon. 108 00:04:46,528 --> 00:04:48,120 Oh-oh, oh, no, no! 109 00:04:48,347 --> 00:04:49,937 I'm coming, balloon! 110 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:52,682 (air hisses, Peter inhales) 111 00:04:52,701 --> 00:04:54,376 (helium voice): Don't tell your mother about this. 112 00:05:02,619 --> 00:05:05,304 Don't worry, Lois, I went blind a while back. 113 00:05:05,455 --> 00:05:07,197 It was cool. They're some of the last people 114 00:05:07,215 --> 00:05:08,548 you can still make fun of. 115 00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:10,642 -Dad! -It's fine, they won't see this. 116 00:05:10,869 --> 00:05:13,145 Dr. Hartman, you said there was very little risk 117 00:05:13,296 --> 00:05:15,147 to LASIK, but now I am blind. 118 00:05:15,298 --> 00:05:16,222 How did this happen? 119 00:05:16,375 --> 00:05:17,799 Okay, look, this isn't my fault. 120 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,709 It was Take-Your-Cat- To-Work day. 121 00:05:19,803 --> 00:05:22,070 (meows) 122 00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:29,903 Dr. Hartman, what does this mean, you know, for me? 123 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,555 Well, whatever your wife did for you, 124 00:05:31,573 --> 00:05:33,223 you'll now have to do for yourselves. 125 00:05:33,241 --> 00:05:35,108 And until she gets used to her new life, 126 00:05:35,260 --> 00:05:36,893 you'll need to take care of her. 127 00:05:36,912 --> 00:05:38,578 Feed her, bathe her, drive her places. 128 00:05:38,730 --> 00:05:41,715 -They're gone, aren't they? -They left, yes. 129 00:05:45,587 --> 00:05:48,180 There they are. I thought we said 10:00 sharp, 130 00:05:48,407 --> 00:05:50,331 but we must have said 10:18. 131 00:05:50,351 --> 00:05:52,667 (chuckles) No one's fault, but going forward, 132 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,837 let's make sure we respect each other's time, hmm? 133 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,098 -You must be Chris. -I must? 134 00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,525 You know, we have a friend in common: 135 00:06:00,677 --> 00:06:01,918 Mr. Herbert. 136 00:06:01,937 --> 00:06:03,195 How do you know Mr. Herbert? 137 00:06:03,422 --> 00:06:05,864 We're friends. Sometimes he comes to my art shows, 138 00:06:06,091 --> 00:06:07,107 and we get ice cream after. 139 00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:09,201 Let me guess, he takes you to the park 140 00:06:09,428 --> 00:06:11,444 where the swings go really high? 141 00:06:11,597 --> 00:06:13,263 -He does. -Uh-huh. 142 00:06:13,281 --> 00:06:15,432 That'll stop. And the ice cream? 143 00:06:15,450 --> 00:06:16,691 Don't get used to it. 144 00:06:16,785 --> 00:06:20,027 I've seen a thousand of you. I've outlasted them. 145 00:06:20,122 --> 00:06:21,529 I'll outlast you. 146 00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:24,883 Okay, uh, my dad left a note for you, Mr. Griffin. 147 00:06:25,034 --> 00:06:28,111 "Griffins, build this tree house for my son. 148 00:06:28,130 --> 00:06:30,463 "He will love it for a year, until my housekeeper 149 00:06:30,616 --> 00:06:33,058 "moves into it, even though it doesn't have electricity 150 00:06:33,209 --> 00:06:34,375 "or running water. 151 00:06:34,469 --> 00:06:37,044 She walked here from Guatemala. She'll be fine." 152 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,714 Let's get started, boys. 153 00:06:39,808 --> 00:06:41,382 Aw, man, this is gonna be more work 154 00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:43,885 than when I built that Habitat for Sean Hannity. 155 00:06:43,979 --> 00:06:46,053 As you can see, we've made everything white, 156 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,147 like you requested. 157 00:06:47,299 --> 00:06:48,073 Here's a room to recover 158 00:06:48,224 --> 00:06:49,074 from your sodium headaches, 159 00:06:49,225 --> 00:06:50,300 and on the walls, I painted 160 00:06:50,318 --> 00:06:51,726 some of your most famous quotes. 161 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:52,969 There's the one where you compared 162 00:06:53,062 --> 00:06:55,730 the homosexual lifestyle to playing in the sewer, 163 00:06:55,824 --> 00:06:57,474 and there's the one where you defended Roy Moore. 164 00:06:57,567 --> 00:06:59,175 -Nice. -Uh-huh. 165 00:06:59,177 --> 00:07:01,586 And here's a room where you can blame things on an immigrant. 166 00:07:01,738 --> 00:07:05,382 Hey, nothing personal, I just peddle hate for money. 167 00:07:08,411 --> 00:07:10,262 ANNOUNCER: We now return to Blindflix, 168 00:07:10,413 --> 00:07:12,413 the streaming service for blind people. 169 00:07:12,507 --> 00:07:15,249 I can't believe it's the year 2034, 170 00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:18,344 Earth is uninhabitable, and we're hurtling through space 171 00:07:18,497 --> 00:07:20,605 to find a place for humanity to start again. 172 00:07:20,832 --> 00:07:24,592 Thankfully, we are Chris Evans and Vanessa Hudgens, 173 00:07:24,686 --> 00:07:27,187 and have sexy bodies that will make beautiful 174 00:07:27,339 --> 00:07:29,172 racially nuanced babies. 175 00:07:29,265 --> 00:07:31,007 I love you, Chris Evans. 176 00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:33,452 I love you, too, Vanessa Hudgens. 177 00:07:33,603 --> 00:07:35,512 Kiss me. 178 00:07:35,530 --> 00:07:37,539 (both moaning) 179 00:07:41,703 --> 00:07:43,995 Ah, this show is so sexy. 180 00:07:44,222 --> 00:07:45,538 How you doing, Mom? 181 00:07:45,691 --> 00:07:46,856 Do you need to go poopies? 182 00:07:46,875 --> 00:07:49,192 Meg, please stop asking me that. 183 00:07:49,285 --> 00:07:52,471 I'm sorry, I just-- I hate being so dependent 184 00:07:52,698 --> 00:07:53,972 on other people. 185 00:07:54,199 --> 00:07:55,974 I feel helpless and worthless. 186 00:07:56,201 --> 00:08:00,127 I get it. I feel helpless and worthless 24-sevs. 187 00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,462 How do you deal with it? 188 00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:04,224 Cutting, minor arson, and sometimes I post 189 00:08:04,376 --> 00:08:06,133 empowerment videos on YouTube. 190 00:08:06,228 --> 00:08:07,877 Empowerment videos? 191 00:08:07,896 --> 00:08:09,971 I thought YouTube went out of business. 192 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,472 Uh, what am I thinking of? 193 00:08:11,566 --> 00:08:13,383 -Circuit City. -Yes. 194 00:08:13,401 --> 00:08:14,734 Here. The camera's on. 195 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,904 Just getting your feelings out will make you feel better. 196 00:08:18,056 --> 00:08:21,666 Oh, okay. Um, hello. 197 00:08:21,893 --> 00:08:23,651 Uh, my name is Lois Griffin, 198 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:27,580 and I... am blind. 199 00:08:27,733 --> 00:08:30,900 Uh, I went to the hospital for a simple surgery 200 00:08:30,994 --> 00:08:32,919 and woke up in the ICU. 201 00:08:33,071 --> 00:08:36,089 But the irony was I couldn't see you. 202 00:08:36,241 --> 00:08:38,758 I couldn't see anyone or anything. 203 00:08:38,910 --> 00:08:40,410 Even the people closest to me 204 00:08:40,428 --> 00:08:43,063 who need to be seen the most. 205 00:08:45,417 --> 00:08:48,693 So now I suppose if I want to see again, 206 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:50,845 I'll have to listen more 207 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,848 and-and feel more and focus on 208 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:58,019 what's on the inside and not what I can see on the outside. 209 00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,205 (sighs) 210 00:09:01,950 --> 00:09:05,101 Okay, that's all for now. 211 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,620 Mom, that was incredible. 212 00:09:07,773 --> 00:09:08,955 You really spoke to me. 213 00:09:09,107 --> 00:09:11,441 Who-Who's that? Is that Lois? 214 00:09:11,534 --> 00:09:13,610 Peter, I'm the one who's blind. 215 00:09:13,628 --> 00:09:16,096 Sorry, I-I'm still getting used to things. 216 00:09:19,542 --> 00:09:21,968 I can't believe Doug's dad texted me 217 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,953 and said we had to come to Doug's T-ball game 218 00:09:23,972 --> 00:09:24,971 or he was gonna sue us. 219 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,565 Looks like they got Big League Chew. 220 00:09:26,716 --> 00:09:29,475 Yeah, I saw that. I saw that they got Big League Chew. 221 00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:32,404 Ah, the baseball field. Good memories. 222 00:09:32,555 --> 00:09:35,240 Lost my v-card here with Jennifer Jason Leigh 223 00:09:35,391 --> 00:09:36,649 in that dugout right over there. 224 00:09:36,802 --> 00:09:37,892 That was Fast Times. 225 00:09:37,986 --> 00:09:41,204 Yeah, fast for her, maybe. I took a while. 226 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,825 (whistling) 227 00:09:45,977 --> 00:09:48,478 Excuse me. What happened to your big trip 228 00:09:48,496 --> 00:09:49,737 to Providence? 229 00:09:49,831 --> 00:09:52,073 Good morning, sports fans. 230 00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:54,834 You ready to witness the epitome of excellence? 231 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,303 Check this out. 232 00:09:57,839 --> 00:10:00,390 (chuckling): Oh. Ball one. 233 00:10:02,344 --> 00:10:03,727 (grunts) 234 00:10:06,331 --> 00:10:08,106 Look, spaz, hold the bat like this, 235 00:10:08,333 --> 00:10:10,692 and then step into it as you swing forward. 236 00:10:14,356 --> 00:10:16,781 I did it. Thanks, Mr. Griffin. 237 00:10:16,933 --> 00:10:19,266 -I'm leaving. -Come on, Chris. 238 00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:22,679 Don't be mad. My plans changed. 239 00:10:22,697 --> 00:10:23,863 Oh, hey, Doug. 240 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,707 CHRIS: Are you kidding me?! 241 00:10:29,871 --> 00:10:31,946 Mom, you won't believe what happened. 242 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,798 Your video went viral. 243 00:10:33,950 --> 00:10:36,617 Oh, does that mean Circuit City's back? 244 00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:40,697 No, it means your ICU video really connected with people. 245 00:10:40,715 --> 00:10:43,549 You're helping people who feel unseen, Mom. 246 00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:46,052 Like me. You're everywhere. 247 00:10:46,204 --> 00:10:48,054 Okay, so what am I supposed to do now? 248 00:10:48,206 --> 00:10:49,814 Make another video. 249 00:10:50,041 --> 00:10:51,132 Hi, Lois, I didn't get a monkey. 250 00:10:51,226 --> 00:10:52,876 Off to see Bananarama. Bye. 251 00:10:52,969 --> 00:10:54,802 ♪ I'm your Venus... ♪ 252 00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:58,198 Well, it's not what I thought it was gonna be either. 253 00:11:01,236 --> 00:11:03,477 Mom, I made some ICU T-shirts. 254 00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:06,831 What's going on? Who are these people? 255 00:11:07,058 --> 00:11:08,149 My team. 256 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,410 ICU has exploded. 257 00:11:10,562 --> 00:11:13,171 There's ICU Fashion, ICU Skincare, 258 00:11:13,398 --> 00:11:16,157 ICU Health. It is a gold mine. 259 00:11:16,251 --> 00:11:18,067 Okay, but what does any of this have to do with 260 00:11:18,161 --> 00:11:20,236 seeing people for who they really are? 261 00:11:20,255 --> 00:11:22,180 Oh, pfft, who cares about that? 262 00:11:22,407 --> 00:11:25,091 I do. ICU was an idea I could really believe in, 263 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,685 and you're ruining it. 264 00:11:26,912 --> 00:11:29,429 I'm not ruining it, I'm expanding it. 265 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,523 You know, I'm the one who went blind, Meg. 266 00:11:31,750 --> 00:11:33,249 I'm the one who's suffering. 267 00:11:33,384 --> 00:11:35,843 Now the least I can do is make some money from it. 268 00:11:35,937 --> 00:11:37,270 Now stand back. 269 00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,656 It's time to make another video. 270 00:11:41,642 --> 00:11:44,035 Hello, Seers, Lois here. 271 00:11:44,187 --> 00:11:47,597 You know, sometimes the darkness gets overwhelming, 272 00:11:47,690 --> 00:11:51,935 and that's when I turn to ICU Essential Oils. 273 00:11:51,953 --> 00:11:56,047 It calms you before sleep, or you can cook chicken in it. 274 00:11:56,199 --> 00:12:00,009 (upbeat music playing) 275 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,980 Oh, my God. 276 00:12:14,276 --> 00:12:15,900 I can see. 277 00:12:16,052 --> 00:12:17,402 Oh, God, but if anybody finds out, 278 00:12:17,629 --> 00:12:19,404 it'll ruin my ICU brand. 279 00:12:19,555 --> 00:12:22,315 Ugh. Peter told me he'd been doing laundry. 280 00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:25,468 You know, now I'm even wondering if he lost those 75 pounds 281 00:12:25,487 --> 00:12:26,244 like he said. 282 00:12:26,395 --> 00:12:27,245 PETER: What's that, Lois? 283 00:12:27,396 --> 00:12:28,913 I'm just on the spin bike. 284 00:12:29,065 --> 00:12:30,397 Got a good sweat going. 285 00:12:30,492 --> 00:12:33,293 Boy, you're right, Sarah loves those hills. 286 00:12:41,410 --> 00:12:43,653 Okay, here's the microphone. 287 00:12:43,671 --> 00:12:44,821 Yeah, I see it. 288 00:12:44,839 --> 00:12:47,173 I-I mean, oh, thank you. 289 00:12:47,325 --> 00:12:49,100 Uh, i-is that Meg? 290 00:12:49,327 --> 00:12:51,102 Mom, what's going on with you? 291 00:12:51,329 --> 00:12:54,013 Nothing. Especially my eyesight. 292 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,849 I am still very, very blind. 293 00:12:57,002 --> 00:12:59,352 Thank you all for coming today. 294 00:12:59,504 --> 00:13:02,505 I can't see you, because I'm blind, 295 00:13:02,524 --> 00:13:03,948 but ICU. 296 00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:05,950 (cheering) 297 00:13:06,102 --> 00:13:09,120 Please be sure to try out our new colonic partnership 298 00:13:09,272 --> 00:13:11,438 with increasingly irrelevant rapper Eminem, 299 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:12,849 the Eminenema. 300 00:13:12,984 --> 00:13:16,352 It promises to clear out "8 Miles" of mom's spaghetti. 301 00:13:16,371 --> 00:13:19,947 It goes in slim clear and comes out slim shady. 302 00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,283 Thank you, I'm blind. 303 00:13:22,377 --> 00:13:24,511 (cheering) 304 00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:32,143 That was incredible, Lois. 305 00:13:32,370 --> 00:13:34,220 You're a real inspiration. 306 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,314 My name is Wanda Keptmymaidenname, 307 00:13:36,465 --> 00:13:38,057 and I work for Helen. 308 00:13:38,209 --> 00:13:42,487 (gasps) Helen Disingenuous, the beloved daytime talk show host 309 00:13:42,714 --> 00:13:44,714 who gives millions away to those in need 310 00:13:44,807 --> 00:13:46,549 and is still somehow loathed? 311 00:13:46,642 --> 00:13:50,644 Well, "loathed" is a little bit exactly right, but yes. 312 00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,313 I'm here, Lois, because Helen has been 313 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:55,166 following your success and would love to make it her own. 314 00:13:55,393 --> 00:13:57,910 Would you consider being a guest on our show? 315 00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:00,746 Oh, my gosh, really? That's amazing. 316 00:14:00,899 --> 00:14:02,415 So I get to go to Hollywood? 317 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,083 We actually tape the show in Burbank. 318 00:14:04,235 --> 00:14:06,845 -Oh. What's the difference? -(laughs) 319 00:14:06,996 --> 00:14:09,072 That's hilarious. 320 00:14:09,090 --> 00:14:11,240 I'll have someone who makes a lot less money than me 321 00:14:11,259 --> 00:14:12,592 set everything up. 322 00:14:12,744 --> 00:14:14,410 Meg, can you believe it? 323 00:14:14,429 --> 00:14:17,171 This is gonna take ICU global. 324 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:20,483 I'll be more popular than a Robert Redford clip. 325 00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:32,111 Hey, guys. My dad made you another list. 326 00:14:32,263 --> 00:14:34,931 "Teach Doug to ride a bike, bake cookies, 327 00:14:34,949 --> 00:14:36,374 listen to his Archer impression." 328 00:14:36,601 --> 00:14:38,284 This is ridiculous. We're not doing any of this. 329 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:41,028 I don't know, I kind of want to hear his Archer impression. 330 00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:43,047 Yeah, I'm curious. 331 00:14:43,199 --> 00:14:47,110 (as Archer): I'm an international spy, but I also do mundane things. 332 00:14:47,203 --> 00:14:49,554 Okay, all right. That's-that's pretty good. 333 00:14:49,705 --> 00:14:50,889 But that's it. No more. 334 00:14:51,116 --> 00:14:54,041 Then I guess my dad will just have to sue you. 335 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,952 You know what? Go ahead and sue us. 336 00:14:55,970 --> 00:14:56,953 I mean, look at this guy. 337 00:14:56,971 --> 00:14:58,045 What do you think you're gonna get? 338 00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,381 We came here in his dog's car. 339 00:15:00,475 --> 00:15:02,049 But we had a deal. 340 00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,885 Well, the deal's off. I'll call your dad myself. 341 00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:07,130 No, don't. 342 00:15:07,223 --> 00:15:09,073 -(phone ringing) -What the...? 343 00:15:13,062 --> 00:15:15,914 It was you making us do all that stuff. 344 00:15:16,065 --> 00:15:17,473 You made fools of us, Doug! 345 00:15:17,492 --> 00:15:18,399 Get him. 346 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:20,919 -(Chris grunting) -(Brian barking) 347 00:15:21,070 --> 00:15:22,478 Dad, help. 348 00:15:22,497 --> 00:15:25,164 I'm not Dad. I'm Pete the Pirate. 349 00:15:25,316 --> 00:15:26,816 God, I already told you. 350 00:15:26,909 --> 00:15:28,167 Why did you do it? 351 00:15:28,319 --> 00:15:30,002 Why did you make us do all that stuff 352 00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:33,172 For this. I did it for this. 353 00:15:33,324 --> 00:15:35,224 What? What do you mean? 354 00:15:36,511 --> 00:15:39,845 (sighs) I don't have a dog or a brother. 355 00:15:39,998 --> 00:15:42,014 Or even a father, really. 356 00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:46,018 But these past few days I felt like I've had all that. 357 00:15:46,171 --> 00:15:48,688 I'm sorry, but I didn't know any other way 358 00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,764 to get you to spend time with me. 359 00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,284 Doug, there you are. Thank God! 360 00:15:53,436 --> 00:15:55,536 ♪ 361 00:16:00,201 --> 00:16:02,776 Hey, I got your message about the miscarriage. 362 00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:04,778 So, Saturday night? 363 00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,113 What a dick. 364 00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:08,524 You know what? I'm gonna go poop in his shoes. 365 00:16:08,543 --> 00:16:10,526 You'd do that for me? 366 00:16:10,545 --> 00:16:12,453 Sure I will, buddy. 367 00:16:12,547 --> 00:16:15,698 Hang on, Brian. I got one in the chamber. 368 00:16:15,791 --> 00:16:19,035 -I'll join you. -Thanks, guys. 369 00:16:19,053 --> 00:16:20,536 I guess that just leaves us. 370 00:16:20,629 --> 00:16:23,147 Look, I think you're a total garbage person. 371 00:16:23,374 --> 00:16:25,316 -Same. -And being nice to you goes against 372 00:16:25,468 --> 00:16:27,468 -everything I stand for. -Same. 373 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,378 Okay, don't be the person who just says "same," 374 00:16:29,397 --> 00:16:30,730 like it's a real response. 375 00:16:30,882 --> 00:16:33,232 You know what, let's just hate each other in public 376 00:16:33,384 --> 00:16:36,219 and maybe not hate each other as much in private. 377 00:16:36,312 --> 00:16:37,996 Like George and Kellyanne Conway? 378 00:16:38,147 --> 00:16:40,498 What is up with those two? 379 00:16:43,394 --> 00:16:46,653 Ah, this is really gonna put ICU over the top, Meg. 380 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,231 I am gonna be rich. 381 00:16:48,324 --> 00:16:51,492 Now, which one is better, the blue or the green? 382 00:16:51,586 --> 00:16:54,095 Wait, how do you know what colors they are? 383 00:16:55,498 --> 00:16:58,924 (gasps) Mom, you can see? I knew it. 384 00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:03,003 Okay, fine. Yes, I can see. 385 00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:05,765 I can't believe you've been lying. Why? 386 00:17:05,917 --> 00:17:07,750 Don't you get it? I have to be blind 387 00:17:07,769 --> 00:17:09,176 to keep the money rolling in. 388 00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:13,013 Nobody's gonna be inspired by a middle-aged, cisgendered, 389 00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:16,092 -able-bodied white woman. -Or man. 390 00:17:16,185 --> 00:17:17,535 Now, you keep your mouth shut, or I will... 391 00:17:17,686 --> 00:17:18,703 Knock knock. 392 00:17:18,854 --> 00:17:21,280 Helen, is that you? 393 00:17:21,432 --> 00:17:24,375 Oh, I'm so blind. (nervous chuckle) 394 00:17:25,787 --> 00:17:29,213 I just wanted to say hello, welcome you to the show. 395 00:17:29,365 --> 00:17:31,290 Have you been to Burbank before? 396 00:17:31,442 --> 00:17:34,201 -Never. -Oh, well, while you're waiting, 397 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,112 check out this video I made 398 00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:38,539 for the Burbank Tourism Association. 399 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,284 HELEN (narrating): Welcome to beautiful Burbank, California, 400 00:17:41,302 --> 00:17:43,469 home of more year-round Halloween stores 401 00:17:43,621 --> 00:17:45,229 than any other city in the world. 402 00:17:45,381 --> 00:17:47,881 Do you like Jack in the Box? Then you're in luck. 403 00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,216 We've got six of them. 404 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:50,902 If you've ever wanted to visit a place 405 00:17:51,129 --> 00:17:53,053 where you can hear the freeway from literally 406 00:17:53,147 --> 00:17:55,798 every spot in town, then Burbank is for you. 407 00:17:55,817 --> 00:17:58,301 Want to do drugs in an empty swimming pool 408 00:17:58,319 --> 00:17:59,802 with a couch in it? 409 00:17:59,821 --> 00:18:02,154 Want to see what you imagine an affluent neighborhood 410 00:18:02,307 --> 00:18:03,564 in Honduras looks like? 411 00:18:03,658 --> 00:18:05,917 You can do all of that and so much more 412 00:18:06,068 --> 00:18:08,211 in Burbank. 413 00:18:10,315 --> 00:18:12,423 (cheers and applause) 414 00:18:14,076 --> 00:18:17,578 We're here with Lois Griffin, founder of ICU 415 00:18:17,672 --> 00:18:21,432 and an inspiration to millions of easily persuadable women. 416 00:18:21,584 --> 00:18:25,085 So, Lois, I understand, in addition to everything else, 417 00:18:25,179 --> 00:18:27,830 you've started the ICU Foundation. 418 00:18:27,849 --> 00:18:29,256 That's right, Helen. 419 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:30,833 You know, you haven't really made it until 420 00:18:30,926 --> 00:18:32,335 you're able to convince rich people 421 00:18:32,428 --> 00:18:34,837 to give you money for a nebulous and undefined 422 00:18:34,856 --> 00:18:36,339 important cause. 423 00:18:36,357 --> 00:18:39,024 And what will your foundation focus on? 424 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:43,579 Women's issues. And the environment. 425 00:18:47,185 --> 00:18:50,628 -Refugees. -(applause) 426 00:18:50,855 --> 00:18:52,279 Well, we support you, 427 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,690 so we've got a surprise for you. 428 00:18:54,709 --> 00:18:57,802 ♪ 429 00:18:57,953 --> 00:18:59,953 Oh, my God. Reese Witherspoon?! 430 00:19:00,047 --> 00:19:01,380 I love her. 431 00:19:01,532 --> 00:19:02,698 (all gasp) 432 00:19:02,717 --> 00:19:06,793 Lois, how did you know it was Reese Witherspoon 433 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,146 -if you can't see? -Ah. 434 00:19:08,297 --> 00:19:11,983 Um, that's-that's just, um, what I say 435 00:19:12,134 --> 00:19:15,135 when I'm excited. Reese Witherspoon! 436 00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:17,546 Lois, are you actually blind? 437 00:19:17,565 --> 00:19:21,200 Yes. I mean... 438 00:19:28,910 --> 00:19:31,151 No. 439 00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:33,562 I was blind when I started ICU, 440 00:19:33,581 --> 00:19:36,248 but I got my sight back a few days ago. 441 00:19:36,401 --> 00:19:39,402 I just wanted to make a difference and, you know, 442 00:19:39,495 --> 00:19:42,755 maybe get money from sympathetic strangers. 443 00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,348 I'm sorry. 444 00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:47,685 Hey, y'all, can I put this big ole check down? 445 00:19:47,836 --> 00:19:49,336 My arms ain't but small sticks. 446 00:19:49,430 --> 00:19:52,857 Oh, shut up, Reese Witherspoon, you big phony. 447 00:19:53,084 --> 00:19:54,841 There's no way you've read all those books 448 00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:56,419 you slap your sticker on. 449 00:19:56,437 --> 00:19:59,530 Well, Lois, you've disappointed a lot of people here today. 450 00:19:59,757 --> 00:20:02,200 And since this is daytime TV, you'll have to stand trial 451 00:20:02,351 --> 00:20:03,943 on a Black judge show. 452 00:20:04,095 --> 00:20:07,446 (upbeat theme music playing) 453 00:20:07,598 --> 00:20:09,949 Lois Griffin, I find you guilty, 454 00:20:10,101 --> 00:20:12,543 and I sentence you to pay your roommate back 455 00:20:12,695 --> 00:20:13,860 for his dog food, 456 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,380 or whatever dumb (bleep) this one's about. 457 00:20:22,630 --> 00:20:25,205 Well, Lois, I'm glad you're not blind anymore. 458 00:20:25,299 --> 00:20:28,226 Oh, me, too. I just wish I'd handled it better. 459 00:20:28,453 --> 00:20:29,876 Hey, at least you got to go to Hollywood. 460 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:31,562 -Burbank. -What's the difference? 461 00:20:31,789 --> 00:20:33,789 Oh, boy, I'll show you. 462 00:20:33,882 --> 00:20:37,050 HELEN (narrating): Want to get your car washed by a former Nickelodeon star? 463 00:20:37,144 --> 00:20:38,978 Want to take an improv class from an instructor 464 00:20:39,130 --> 00:20:40,629 you have to drive home after? 465 00:20:40,648 --> 00:20:42,389 You can in Burbank. 466 00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:45,409 Buy a house with a second floor no one got permits for, 467 00:20:45,636 --> 00:20:48,971 and then watch the 98-degree winter nights tick by 468 00:20:49,064 --> 00:20:51,082 through rusty bars on your windows. 469 00:20:51,233 --> 00:20:54,234 Share a duplex with that guy from that thing. 470 00:20:54,328 --> 00:20:56,996 Pay L.A. prices for Orlando amenities 471 00:20:57,148 --> 00:20:58,965 in Burbank.