1
00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:04,410
ś It seems today
that all you see ś
2
00:00:04,410 --> 00:00:07,550
ś Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ś
3
00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:11,010
ś But where are those
good old-fashioned values ś
4
00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:13,980
ś On which we used to rely? ś
5
00:00:13,980 --> 00:00:17,410
ś Lucky there's a family guy ś
6
00:00:17,420 --> 00:00:20,820
ś Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ś
7
00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:22,720
ś All the things that make us ś
8
00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:24,090
ś Laugh and cry ś
9
00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:30,260
ś He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ś
10
00:00:35,070 --> 00:00:35,870
Okay, okay, I got one.
11
00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:39,970
Would you rather have dinner and
then sex with Megan Fox's body
12
00:00:39,970 --> 00:00:41,370
with Leonard Nimoy's
head on it
13
00:00:41,380 --> 00:00:44,920
or reroof an entire
condo complex by yourself?
14
00:00:44,910 --> 00:00:45,880
Oh, boy.
15
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:46,440
Can I close my eyes?
16
00:00:46,450 --> 00:00:49,060
No, eye contact the whole time
and a lot of kissing.
17
00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:52,350
Well, how about Megan Fox's head
on Leonard Nimoy's body?
18
00:00:52,350 --> 00:00:53,850
I know, somehow
that's better.
19
00:00:53,860 --> 00:00:56,500
The hybrid organism exists
as I've described it.
20
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,350
How many units
are in the condo?
21
00:00:58,360 --> 00:00:59,220
Thirty-two.
22
00:00:59,230 --> 00:01:00,100
Tile roof or shingles?
23
00:01:00,090 --> 00:01:01,120
Yeah, 'cause it
makes a difference
24
00:01:01,130 --> 00:01:02,430
what you're carrying
up that ladder.
25
00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:03,990
Wait, whose neck is it?
Huh?
26
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:05,130
I mean, where's the cutoff?
27
00:01:05,130 --> 00:01:06,260
You know,
is it Megan Fox's neck
28
00:01:06,270 --> 00:01:09,440
or am I burying my face in
Leonard Nimoy's turkey gizzard?
29
00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:10,440
Nimoy's neck.
30
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:11,970
You have got yourself a roof.
31
00:01:11,970 --> 00:01:13,970
I'll take the
Spock-Fox intercourse.
32
00:01:13,980 --> 00:01:15,350
All right, Peter,
your turn.
33
00:01:15,340 --> 00:01:18,910
Uh... boxers or briefs?
34
00:01:18,910 --> 00:01:19,280
What?
35
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,480
That's the worst one
I've ever heard.
36
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:22,380
Look, I'm sorry.
37
00:01:22,380 --> 00:01:23,310
I'm exhausted, all right?
38
00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:24,620
I-I didn't get any sleep
'cause Brian
39
00:01:24,620 --> 00:01:27,250
and the neighbor's dog
kept me up all night.
40
00:01:27,260 --> 00:01:29,160
BRIAN:
Hello?
41
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,030
Hello?
DOG:
Hello.
42
00:01:31,030 --> 00:01:32,970
Are you a dog?
Yes!
43
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,060
I am also a dog.
44
00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:34,720
All right!
Yeah!
45
00:01:34,730 --> 00:01:36,160
We're dogs!
Yeah,
we're dogs!
46
00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:37,960
We're dogs that live
near each other!
47
00:01:37,970 --> 00:01:39,340
DOG 2: Hey, are
you guys dogs?
48
00:01:39,330 --> 00:01:41,000
Yeah!
We're totally dogs!
49
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:41,460
Yeah, both of us!
50
00:01:41,470 --> 00:01:43,400
Oh, wow. Well, if you're
that tired, Peter,
51
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:44,530
maybe you should
have some coffee.
52
00:01:44,540 --> 00:01:46,370
Yeah, or you could
have some Red Bull.
53
00:01:46,370 --> 00:01:48,200
Red Bull?
What the hell is Red Bull?
54
00:01:48,210 --> 00:01:49,510
You never heard of Red Bull?
55
00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:50,240
It's an energy drink.
56
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,780
Here you go, Peter.
It's on the house.
57
00:01:57,080 --> 00:02:00,050
So? What do you think?
58
00:02:00,050 --> 00:02:03,890
ś And I feel
like I just got home ś
59
00:02:03,890 --> 00:02:06,190
ś And I feel ś
60
00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:12,040
ś And I feel
like I just got home ś
61
00:02:12,030 --> 00:02:16,930
ś And I feel... ś
62
00:02:21,580 --> 00:02:22,580
Good evening.
63
00:02:22,580 --> 00:02:23,420
Our top story tonight:
64
00:02:23,410 --> 00:02:26,280
Barack Obama makes a visit
to James Woods High School.
65
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,440
Yes, it's time to get
jiggy with it, Quahog--
66
00:02:28,450 --> 00:02:29,550
I thought
we had taken that out.
67
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,980
President Barack Obama
will visit James Woods High
68
00:02:31,990 --> 00:02:35,390
next month, and this little town
of ours couldn't be more abuzz.
69
00:02:35,390 --> 00:02:38,090
Oh, my God, this is
gonna be so amazing!
70
00:02:38,090 --> 00:02:40,960
It's all anybody in my class
is talking about.
71
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,430
Darn it, why is
this so hard?!
72
00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:44,230
What's wrong, Chris?
73
00:02:44,230 --> 00:02:47,430
Just 'cause Obama's coming,
everybody in my English class
74
00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:50,110
has to write a stupid
essay about hope.
75
00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:51,900
But this is all I
can come up with.
76
00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:55,110
Chris, this is just a shaded-in
triangle and the word "muff."
77
00:02:55,110 --> 00:02:57,040
For God's sakes, Meg,
it's a first draft.
78
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,080
Just tell me if you
think the tone is right.
79
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:00,340
Well, I don't know
what this is,
80
00:03:00,350 --> 00:03:02,010
but it's not what hope
is about, Chris.
81
00:03:02,020 --> 00:03:05,290
Well, if you're such a genius,
you tell me what hope is.
82
00:03:05,290 --> 00:03:08,930
Hope is what gets you
out of bed in the morning
83
00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:12,150
when it's the day of prom
and you haven't been asked.
84
00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,990
Hope pushes the caterpillar
through the cocoon
85
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,070
and drives the salmon upstream.
86
00:03:17,060 --> 00:03:20,730
Your breasts may be small
and your glasses may be thick,
87
00:03:20,740 --> 00:03:22,640
but hope doesn't
hold up a mirror.
88
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:24,580
Hope is a horizon we head for,
89
00:03:24,570 --> 00:03:27,140
leaving nothing behind us
but fear.
90
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,170
And though we may
never reach our goals,
91
00:03:29,180 --> 00:03:33,450
it's hope that will save us
from who we once were.
92
00:03:33,450 --> 00:03:34,420
Wow.
93
00:03:34,420 --> 00:03:35,620
Did you learn
that at school?
94
00:03:35,620 --> 00:03:38,420
No. You can't just learn
creative writing, Chris.
95
00:03:38,420 --> 00:03:42,180
It's got to be inside you,
like musical talent
96
00:03:42,190 --> 00:03:45,990
or athleticism or the ability
to choose to be gay.
97
00:03:45,990 --> 00:03:47,620
I don't think
they choose that.
98
00:03:47,630 --> 00:03:50,660
Oh, please,
they choose that.
99
00:03:50,670 --> 00:03:53,070
(doorknob rattling)
100
00:03:53,070 --> 00:03:55,040
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey!
101
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,480
What's up, party people?
Ah, what the hell
102
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:58,330
are these things,
curtains or something? Boring!
103
00:03:58,340 --> 00:03:59,900
Holy smoke,
it's crowded in here.
Hey!
104
00:03:59,910 --> 00:04:02,420
There, ah, that's terrific;
it opens up the whole room.
105
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:03,340
Peter, there
you are.
106
00:04:03,340 --> 00:04:04,410
Where the hell
have you been?
107
00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:05,210
I've been
worried sick.
108
00:04:05,210 --> 00:04:07,180
Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls,
drove to New York.
109
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:09,410
What's the big deal?
Ah, there's my little man!
110
00:04:09,420 --> 00:04:12,060
(shuddering)
111
00:04:18,530 --> 00:04:19,170
Done!
112
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,490
Wow, Dad, that
was pretty cool.
113
00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:22,340
Can I try
some Red Bull?
114
00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:23,430
Oh, my God, can you
try some Red Bull?
115
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,930
Chris, I'd take it
as an insult if you didn't.
116
00:04:24,930 --> 00:04:26,160
Here you go, have some cans,
one, two, three, four, five.
117
00:04:26,170 --> 00:04:28,370
Go on, take 'em, take 'em,
take 'em, take 'em, take 'em.
118
00:04:28,370 --> 00:04:29,530
(laughs) That's what
Woody Woodpecker says.
119
00:04:29,540 --> 00:04:32,240
All right, I'm gonna go outside
and milk the cow.
120
00:04:32,870 --> 00:04:35,500
Peter, where'd
you get that cow?
121
00:04:35,510 --> 00:04:36,610
Oh, that's a silly
question, Lois.
122
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,980
I bought it so we can have
fresh milk every day.
123
00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:43,510
(mooing)
124
00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:46,590
Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's
some strong stuff.
125
00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:48,530
(screaming)
126
00:04:54,230 --> 00:04:56,260
Hey, everybody, welcome back
to The Price Is Right.
127
00:04:56,260 --> 00:04:57,090
Time to spin the wheel.
128
00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:58,030
Top winner
for the day is Peter,
129
00:04:58,030 --> 00:04:59,660
so you're gonna be
the first to spin it.
130
00:04:59,670 --> 00:05:01,010
Go ahead, Peter,
close as you can
131
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,570
to a dollar
without going over.
132
00:05:03,570 --> 00:05:05,970
(beeping)
133
00:05:06,970 --> 00:05:08,940
All right, while we're waiting
for the wheel to spin,
134
00:05:08,940 --> 00:05:09,740
you want to say hi to anybody?
135
00:05:09,740 --> 00:05:10,740
Oh, yeah, Drew, I
want to say hi to
136
00:05:10,750 --> 00:05:12,520
Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie,
Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire,
137
00:05:12,510 --> 00:05:14,440
Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam
West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce,
138
00:05:14,450 --> 00:05:16,480
Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker,
Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert,
139
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:19,250
Jillian, Consuela, Giant
Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy!
140
00:05:19,250 --> 00:05:20,150
(chuckles):
Okay.
141
00:05:20,150 --> 00:05:23,250
I'm sure they're
happy to hear that.
142
00:05:24,590 --> 00:05:26,560
(crowd screaming)
143
00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:30,230
Whoa, paramedics,
come on down!
144
00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:32,630
(laughing frantically)
145
00:05:39,610 --> 00:05:40,710
Mom, oh, my God,
guess what!
146
00:05:40,710 --> 00:05:43,040
Oh, God! You scared
the (bleep) out of me.
147
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,240
You know that essay about hope
I had to write?
148
00:05:45,250 --> 00:05:47,720
Well, the principal said it was
the best one in the class,
149
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:51,190
and he wants me to read it aloud
to introduce the President!
150
00:05:51,190 --> 00:05:53,190
Ah, Chris,
that's incredible!
151
00:05:53,190 --> 00:05:55,430
Remember when I used to
come to school to wipe you,
152
00:05:55,420 --> 00:05:58,590
and I'd say, "Someday I won't
have to wipe you anymore
153
00:05:58,590 --> 00:06:00,260
and you'll do great things"?
154
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:02,690
Well, this has been
a big year for us.
155
00:06:02,700 --> 00:06:05,100
Wait a second.
Give me that.
156
00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:07,500
"Hope pushes the caterpillar
through the cocoon
157
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:10,000
and drives the salmon upstream."
158
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,230
I wrote that!
159
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:12,300
You stole
this from me.
160
00:06:12,310 --> 00:06:14,150
Hey, you didn't say
I couldn't use it.
161
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:17,310
But now you get to meet the
President of the United States
162
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,210
because of
what I wrote.
163
00:06:18,210 --> 00:06:21,480
Ugh! I bet you don't even
know what his first name is.
164
00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:24,450
I-I don't know-- Mike?
165
00:06:25,620 --> 00:06:27,320
Hey, what are
you doing?
166
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:30,550
Lois, where is my Red Bull?
167
00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:32,090
Peter, I got
rid of it.
168
00:06:32,090 --> 00:06:33,260
Why the hell
would you do that?!
169
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:36,030
It was making you crazy,
and it's not good for you.
170
00:06:36,030 --> 00:06:39,330
That's why I poured it
all out in the garden.
171
00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:46,140
(grunting)
172
00:06:47,410 --> 00:06:48,340
(tires screech)
173
00:06:48,340 --> 00:06:51,410
Official flower business.
174
00:06:51,410 --> 00:06:53,580
(tires screeching)
175
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:56,660
What are you doing, Peter?
176
00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,180
I'm making my
own Red Bull.
177
00:06:58,190 --> 00:07:00,160
Lois can't stop me
from experiencing
178
00:07:00,150 --> 00:07:02,520
the manic highs and
lows my body demands.
179
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:05,120
Whoa, whoa, hang on,
you're adding kerosene?
180
00:07:05,130 --> 00:07:06,270
Peter, that's insane.
181
00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,420
That'll destroy your body.
182
00:07:07,430 --> 00:07:09,230
Kerosene is
fuel, Brian.
183
00:07:09,230 --> 00:07:10,390
Red Bull is fuel.
184
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:11,270
Kerosene is
Red Bull.
185
00:07:11,270 --> 00:07:12,440
Now, why don't you
leave me alone
186
00:07:12,430 --> 00:07:14,400
while I'm doing
my important work?
187
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:15,400
(blender whirring)
188
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:16,670
Peter, that drink will kill you.
189
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:20,640
Brian, whatever kills
me makes me stronger.
190
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:21,400
(sighs)
191
00:07:21,410 --> 00:07:23,940
See, Brian?
I feel great.
192
00:07:23,940 --> 00:07:25,340
Peter?
193
00:07:25,350 --> 00:07:27,690
Peter, are you alive?
194
00:07:31,420 --> 00:07:32,250
(groaning)
195
00:07:32,250 --> 00:07:33,250
Ah, you're alive.
196
00:07:33,250 --> 00:07:35,080
Okay, I won't, uh,
197
00:07:35,090 --> 00:07:38,020
I won't, uh, eat you then.
198
00:07:38,030 --> 00:07:40,130
I was gonna eat you.
199
00:07:44,060 --> 00:07:44,630
Dr. Hartman,
200
00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:47,460
please tell me, is my
husband gonna be all right?
201
00:07:47,470 --> 00:07:49,470
Uh, Cancun, actually,
thanks for asking.
202
00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:50,100
Just got back.
203
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:52,200
Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid
all the toxic chemicals
204
00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:54,710
your husband ingested from
his homemade energy drink
205
00:07:54,710 --> 00:07:56,540
have caused
total kidney failure.
206
00:07:56,540 --> 00:07:59,340
(all gasping)
207
00:07:59,350 --> 00:08:01,550
How was Cancun?
208
00:08:06,490 --> 00:08:09,060
(gasps)
Oh, my God.
209
00:08:09,060 --> 00:08:10,400
Kidney failure?
210
00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:11,750
Is he gonna be okay?
211
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:12,590
Well, yes and no.
212
00:08:12,590 --> 00:08:14,720
We'll put him on
a kidney transplant list,
213
00:08:14,730 --> 00:08:15,490
but that could take months.
214
00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:18,040
Until a donor is found,
he's gonna have to undergo
215
00:08:18,030 --> 00:08:20,300
dialysis treatments
three times a week.
216
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:21,360
Dialysis?
217
00:08:21,370 --> 00:08:23,200
Is there any other way?
218
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:24,730
Yes, there is.
219
00:08:24,740 --> 00:08:25,670
No, no, no, no, no!
220
00:08:25,670 --> 00:08:28,300
W-We'll do
the dialysis.
221
00:08:32,550 --> 00:08:34,390
Hey, Doc, I'm here
for my dialysis.
222
00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:35,480
Ah, have a seat, Peter.
223
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:36,650
Let's get you hooked up.
224
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:39,220
Doc, I don't know how much
more of this I can take.
225
00:08:39,220 --> 00:08:40,220
It's been
three weeks.
226
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:40,850
I know, I saw the caption.
227
00:08:40,860 --> 00:08:43,760
Yeah, but I-I just go crazy
just sitting here for so long.
228
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:44,530
Aw, I know it's tough,
229
00:08:44,530 --> 00:08:46,670
but maybe there's something
I can do to make it easier.
230
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:50,060
Here, play with this
bucket of afterbirth.
231
00:08:53,470 --> 00:08:54,610
Ha!
232
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:55,660
The Lockhorns.
233
00:08:55,670 --> 00:08:56,870
Always locking horns.
234
00:08:56,870 --> 00:09:00,600
(gasps) Oh, my God,
that's why they call it that.
235
00:09:04,410 --> 00:09:06,680
Oh, Peter, you got here
just in time!
236
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:07,680
Chris is almost on.
237
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,210
Shh. Mom, here it is.
238
00:09:09,220 --> 00:09:10,860
As Quahog prepares
for the arrival of
239
00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:13,520
President Barack Obama,
it will be a very big day
240
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:16,550
for one local teenager
who will be reading his essay
241
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:17,560
to introduce the President.
242
00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:20,690
I sat down with accomplished
wordsmith Chris Griffin.
243
00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:23,090
"Hope is a horizon
we head for,
244
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:25,200
leaving nothing
behind us but fear."
245
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,400
Chris, tell me
how those words came to you.
246
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,600
Do you believe
in angels, Tom?
247
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:30,670
Of course I do.
248
00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:31,670
Well, there you go.
249
00:09:31,670 --> 00:09:32,570
I suspected angels.
250
00:09:32,570 --> 00:09:33,640
It was angels.
Very good.
251
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,740
Chris Griffin,
a weaver of dreams
252
00:09:35,740 --> 00:09:37,770
at the loom of the mind.
253
00:09:37,780 --> 00:09:42,440
A weaver of dreams at
the loom of the mind.
254
00:09:42,450 --> 00:09:44,150
A neat thing I just said.
255
00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:44,910
And now sports.
256
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,650
Oh, Chris, we are
so proud of you.
257
00:09:47,660 --> 00:09:50,300
I got to admit, Chris,
this is pretty exciting.
258
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:52,660
When did you become so coherent?
259
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:53,920
Mom, I wrote that!
260
00:09:53,930 --> 00:09:56,790
He stole it, and he's
taking all the credit!
261
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,270
Chris, is that true?
262
00:09:58,270 --> 00:09:59,770
You didn't write anything!
263
00:09:59,770 --> 00:10:01,310
This is my essay!
264
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:02,730
Meg, is that true?
265
00:10:02,740 --> 00:10:03,880
No, he's lying!
266
00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:06,570
That should be me getting
to meet the President!
267
00:10:06,570 --> 00:10:07,540
Meg, for God's sake, relax.
268
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:10,440
You're not the first person
to be out-shined by a sibling.
269
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:11,840
What about the third
Bronte sister?
270
00:10:11,850 --> 00:10:15,490
Oh, Emily, Wuthering Heights
was truly splendid.
271
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:19,380
Oh, no, Charlotte, Jane Eyre
was so very brilliant.
272
00:10:19,390 --> 00:10:22,130
I made blood out
me lady parts!
273
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:22,580
Good for you.
274
00:10:22,590 --> 00:10:24,290
So we've all
done something.
275
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,790
It's happening now.
276
00:10:25,790 --> 00:10:27,660
Ah, it's a
period joke.
277
00:10:27,660 --> 00:10:29,590
It's a period period joke.
278
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:30,500
Ha, ha.
279
00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:31,840
Okay, moving on.
280
00:10:33,970 --> 00:10:37,300
ANNOUNCER (over TV): Coming up
next, Charles in Charge.
281
00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:37,770
Oh, my God!
282
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:41,470
Aw, I want to watch this, but
I got stupid dialysis at 3:00.
283
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,820
I am so sick of this crap
mucking up my life.
284
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,540
Well, Peter, I mean, what,
y-you can get away with
285
00:10:46,550 --> 00:10:47,420
skipping one treatment, right?
286
00:10:47,410 --> 00:10:48,640
I mean, that's not
gonna kill you.
287
00:10:48,650 --> 00:10:50,850
Yeah, it's probably just
like missing an antibiotic.
288
00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:52,280
You just take
the next one.
289
00:10:52,290 --> 00:10:53,260
Yeah, you're probably right.
290
00:10:53,250 --> 00:10:54,850
Besides,
it's Charles in Charge.
291
00:10:54,860 --> 00:10:56,300
JOE:
You know what I like?
292
00:10:56,290 --> 00:10:57,390
The "Charles"
part is formal,
293
00:10:57,390 --> 00:11:00,760
but the "In Charge"
part is kind of casual.
294
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,320
QUAGMIRE:
Oh, wow. Remember this?
295
00:11:02,330 --> 00:11:04,690
Remember when nobody had
any muscle tone?
296
00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:07,660
Geez, how many "A's"
does that guy need?
297
00:11:07,670 --> 00:11:08,630
Uh, two, apparently.
298
00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:10,910
You know, it's kinda
weird that '80s white clothes
299
00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,870
could pass for
'90s black clothes.
300
00:11:12,870 --> 00:11:15,800
Yeah, is that like
a rummage sale thing?
301
00:11:15,810 --> 00:11:17,610
Ah, Nicole Eggert.
302
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:20,540
Didn't she bang
somebody gross?
303
00:11:20,550 --> 00:11:21,450
I don't know.
304
00:11:21,450 --> 00:11:23,350
Yeah, I feel like she
banged somebody gross.
305
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:24,750
You know, I heard
the sweater budget
306
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:27,050
on this show
was 200 grand.
307
00:11:27,050 --> 00:11:29,220
Didn't you tell me
that, Peter?
308
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:31,350
Oh, my God!
309
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:32,390
Peter, you don't
look so good.
310
00:11:32,390 --> 00:11:34,690
What are you
talkin' about?
I feel great.
311
00:11:34,700 --> 00:11:37,640
Like I could go
another 20 years or more.
312
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,610
Dr. Hartman, this was
just too close a call.
313
00:11:45,610 --> 00:11:47,150
Next time, we could be too late.
314
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:50,040
Suppose he's stuck somewhere,
or-or he's trapped in
315
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:52,010
an elevator
or God knows what else?!
316
00:11:52,010 --> 00:11:54,340
He could die!
He needs a new kidney now!
317
00:11:54,350 --> 00:11:56,780
Well, as I said, Mrs.
Griffin, he's on a list,
318
00:11:56,780 --> 00:11:58,750
but there are a lot
of people ahead of him.
319
00:11:58,750 --> 00:12:01,850
Well, what are the chances of
getting him moved up the list?
320
00:12:01,860 --> 00:12:04,060
Honestly, not great.
It could be months
321
00:12:04,060 --> 00:12:05,020
before he can get
a transplant.
322
00:12:05,030 --> 00:12:07,400
Unless you know someone
who's a compatible organ match
323
00:12:07,390 --> 00:12:09,090
and would be willing
to donate one of theirs.
324
00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:11,670
I'll do it.
He could have one of my kidneys.
325
00:12:11,670 --> 00:12:14,510
Well, we always check spouse
records for compatibility.
326
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:15,530
I'm afraid you're not a match.
327
00:12:15,540 --> 00:12:18,040
But it turns out you are a match
for a little girl
328
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:20,100
who's dying in that next room
over there.
329
00:12:20,110 --> 00:12:22,350
Oh, well, how 'bout we
concentrate
330
00:12:22,340 --> 00:12:23,410
on this family, Doctor?
331
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,510
Well, the only other
option is your children.
332
00:12:25,510 --> 00:12:27,510
No, I won't put the kids
through that.
333
00:12:27,510 --> 00:12:29,650
Well, then I don't know
what else to do.
334
00:12:29,650 --> 00:12:31,080
You'll just have
to roll the dice
335
00:12:31,090 --> 00:12:32,990
and hope a kidney
comes through soon.
336
00:12:32,990 --> 00:12:36,100
Well... what about me?
337
00:12:36,090 --> 00:12:38,850
Is that possible, Doctor?
338
00:12:38,860 --> 00:12:40,590
Well... I suppose.
339
00:12:40,590 --> 00:12:42,420
Stranger things have
happened in medicine.
340
00:12:42,430 --> 00:12:44,030
I once tried
to clone a chicken.
341
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:45,930
The result wound up
being a man-sized chicken
342
00:12:45,930 --> 00:12:48,960
that was incredibly
hostile and ended up
escaping from the lab.
343
00:12:48,970 --> 00:12:51,170
Okay, Doc, we gotta have
a talk at some point,
344
00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:53,270
but Brian, are, are, you,
are you sure about this?
345
00:12:53,270 --> 00:12:57,510
Well, there's no harm in
seeing if I'm compatible.
346
00:13:00,610 --> 00:13:04,610
Well, according to these
results, Brian is a match.
347
00:13:04,620 --> 00:13:05,110
(all cheering)
348
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,950
Hooray, yay, yeah,
ice cream sounds great.
349
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,530
The only thing is...
350
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:12,920
Mrs. Griffin, could I speak with
you and Brian alone, please?
351
00:13:12,930 --> 00:13:13,730
Well, of course.
352
00:13:13,730 --> 00:13:16,240
Kids, why don't you wait
in the car?
Okay, Mom.
353
00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:18,960
Let's go find the big,
black sassy nurse.
354
00:13:18,970 --> 00:13:19,940
There's always one.
355
00:13:19,930 --> 00:13:23,570
NURSE: You can cry about it,
or you can decide to live.
356
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:24,530
It's your choice.
357
00:13:24,540 --> 00:13:25,230
STEWIE:
Found her.
358
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,800
Hey, w-w-what is it, Doc?
359
00:13:26,810 --> 00:13:29,780
Well, as a dog,
Brian's kidneys are smaller
360
00:13:29,780 --> 00:13:32,650
and don't have the capacity
of a human kidney.
361
00:13:32,650 --> 00:13:33,850
For the procedure
to work,
362
00:13:33,850 --> 00:13:36,820
we would need
to transplant two.
363
00:13:36,820 --> 00:13:39,730
But, but I only have two.
364
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:40,780
That's right.
365
00:13:40,790 --> 00:13:43,100
The procedure would kill you.
366
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:47,600
Ha-ha, that car's
gettin' towed!
367
00:13:51,730 --> 00:13:55,460
My God, Dr. Hartman,
isn't there any other way?
368
00:13:55,470 --> 00:13:58,000
I'm afraid not,
Mrs. Griffin.
369
00:13:58,010 --> 00:13:59,950
BRIAN:
I'll do it.
370
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:01,170
What?
371
00:14:01,180 --> 00:14:03,320
I'll... I'll do it.
372
00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:04,870
I'll give you my kidneys.
373
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:07,980
But Brian...
you'll die!
374
00:14:07,980 --> 00:14:10,050
Peter, you're my best friend.
375
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:12,750
You, you gave me a home
when I didn't have one.
376
00:14:12,750 --> 00:14:15,650
And you've treated me like
a family member ever since.
377
00:14:15,660 --> 00:14:17,700
I wouldn't be here
if it wasn't for you.
378
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,150
I'd probably be dead anyway,
379
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,620
lying under
some freeway overpass.
380
00:14:21,630 --> 00:14:24,590
And I-I-I wanna,
I wanna return the favor.
381
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,160
After all, I'm, I'm a dog.
382
00:14:26,170 --> 00:14:28,070
I have another eight years,
at best.
383
00:14:28,070 --> 00:14:33,840
I'm, I'm willing to give that up
so you can have another 40.
384
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,140
Brian, I...
385
00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:36,710
I-I don't know what to say.
386
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:39,110
You're savin' my life.
387
00:14:39,110 --> 00:14:40,140
Well, you saved mine.
388
00:14:40,150 --> 00:14:43,990
And, hey, we, we had a lotta
good years together, right?
389
00:14:43,980 --> 00:14:47,480
(voice breaking):
Yeah. We, uh...
390
00:14:47,490 --> 00:14:49,930
we sure did, buddy.
391
00:15:05,970 --> 00:15:07,500
Hello, everyone.
392
00:15:07,510 --> 00:15:09,150
Lois, did you put Stewie to bed?
393
00:15:09,140 --> 00:15:10,240
Yeah, he's asleep.
394
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:13,640
Good. I'd rather he didn't know
about this till it's over.
395
00:15:13,650 --> 00:15:14,290
He's just a baby.
396
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:18,880
Now, since the operation is
tomorrow, I thought it might be
397
00:15:18,890 --> 00:15:21,930
a good idea to just kinda close
the book, you know?
398
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,290
So I just wanted to share
my final thoughts
399
00:15:25,290 --> 00:15:26,990
with each one of you.
400
00:15:26,990 --> 00:15:29,630
Meg, you're so beautiful
on the inside,
401
00:15:29,630 --> 00:15:32,860
but it's very important that
you know your limitations.
402
00:15:32,870 --> 00:15:33,610
What do you mean?
403
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,860
Well, I know they say
"Reach for the stars,"
404
00:15:35,870 --> 00:15:36,800
but if we all did that,
405
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,640
there'd be nobody left
here on Earth, right?
406
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:40,600
I guess.
407
00:15:40,610 --> 00:15:41,750
Ha-ha, there you go.
408
00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:44,970
Chris, I have watched
you grow from a little boy
409
00:15:44,980 --> 00:15:46,940
into the young man
you are today.
410
00:15:46,950 --> 00:15:49,220
I know sometimes
life seems tough,
411
00:15:49,220 --> 00:15:52,190
but you just remember
to reach for the stars.
412
00:15:52,190 --> 00:15:53,960
You really think I can?
413
00:15:53,950 --> 00:15:55,880
I know you can,
slugger!
414
00:15:55,890 --> 00:15:58,250
And, Lois, I only ask this
415
00:15:58,260 --> 00:16:01,090
because of the dire situation
I'm in, but...
416
00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:05,860
can I, can I hump your leg
for 15 uninterrupted seconds?
417
00:16:05,870 --> 00:16:08,640
I suppose so, Brian.
418
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:14,640
I-I said you could do it
for 15 seconds.
419
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,100
Didn't need it.
420
00:16:20,850 --> 00:16:23,860
No! It can't be!
421
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:41,230
Where... where am I?
422
00:16:41,230 --> 00:16:43,370
We're at the
playground, Brian.
423
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:43,930
I kidnapped you.
424
00:16:43,940 --> 00:16:47,010
You and I are going
to spend the rest of our lives
425
00:16:47,010 --> 00:16:48,010
living right here
under the slide.
426
00:16:48,010 --> 00:16:50,370
Stewie, what the hell?
Are you outta your mind?
427
00:16:50,380 --> 00:16:51,220
I most certainly am not!
428
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:53,780
I know what you're planning
to do, and I won't allow it!
429
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:56,480
You're not going to kill
yourself for that fat bastard!
430
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,850
Look, I've made up
my mind, all right?
431
00:16:58,850 --> 00:16:59,780
Now untie me.
432
00:16:59,790 --> 00:17:00,630
No, I will not!
433
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:02,450
How dare you make plans
to abandon me!
434
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:05,200
Come on, you, you can live
without a dog, Stewie,
435
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:06,820
but you can't live
without a father.
436
00:17:06,830 --> 00:17:09,070
And besides, h-how exactly
do you think we're supposed
437
00:17:09,060 --> 00:17:10,830
to live here on
the playground?
438
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:11,830
We'll do fine, Brian!
439
00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:13,660
Everything is right here
where we need it!
440
00:17:13,670 --> 00:17:15,670
The jungle gym is
the grocery store,
441
00:17:15,670 --> 00:17:16,900
the swing set is
the mall,
442
00:17:16,900 --> 00:17:18,400
the seesaw is
the post office,
443
00:17:18,410 --> 00:17:20,650
and the sandbox is
our summer home.
444
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:21,970
Can you believe it,
Brian?
445
00:17:21,980 --> 00:17:23,080
We, we have
a summer home!
446
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:25,780
I mean, yes, we'll,
we'll have to rent it out
447
00:17:25,780 --> 00:17:27,140
some years to help pay for...
448
00:17:27,150 --> 00:17:28,250
Oh, no, wait,
no, we won't,
449
00:17:28,250 --> 00:17:30,480
because I'm a famous race car
driver. I forgot!
450
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,310
Stewie, you're not
a race car driver.
451
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,820
And if you don't let
me go right now,
452
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:36,180
you're gonna lose your dad.
453
00:17:36,190 --> 00:17:39,320
(sniffles) But Brian...
454
00:17:39,330 --> 00:17:41,500
I-I don't wanna lose anybody!
455
00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:47,140
I don't... I don't
wanna lose anybody!
456
00:17:47,130 --> 00:17:49,200
(sobbing)
457
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,000
Oh, my God.
458
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,700
Just stop, stop, just stop it.
459
00:17:51,710 --> 00:17:54,650
But Brian, I love you!
460
00:17:58,250 --> 00:18:00,590
Oh, God,
just wipe your nose, man!
461
00:18:02,350 --> 00:18:03,950
Can I have a hug,
Brian?!
462
00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:06,380
Oh, no, no, God,
no, no, not now, no!
463
00:18:06,390 --> 00:18:07,890
I want a hug!
I love...
464
00:18:07,890 --> 00:18:09,990
No, no. Just wipe...
Oh, God, there's no Kleenex.
465
00:18:09,990 --> 00:18:12,090
I love you, Brian!
I love you so much!
466
00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:13,490
Go... Go roll around
in the sandbox...
467
00:18:13,490 --> 00:18:14,220
in-in-in the summer house!
468
00:18:14,230 --> 00:18:17,100
Go... go to the summer house
and roll around!
469
00:18:25,070 --> 00:18:28,270
Well, here we go.
You know, buddy,
470
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,150
I'm really gonna miss
havin' a dog.
471
00:18:30,140 --> 00:18:33,340
Hey, whaddaya say
you be my dog one
last time, huh?
472
00:18:33,350 --> 00:18:35,320
Sure, Peter.
Whatever you want.
473
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:36,820
Hey, hey, whassat?
474
00:18:36,820 --> 00:18:37,990
Whassat, boy?
Whassat?
475
00:18:37,980 --> 00:18:39,950
Uh, surgical equipment.
476
00:18:39,950 --> 00:18:41,420
Whose is that?
Whose is that?
477
00:18:41,420 --> 00:18:42,920
Probably belongs
to the hospital.
478
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,050
Whassat for? Huh?
Whassat for?
479
00:18:45,060 --> 00:18:45,990
Um... cutting me open,
480
00:18:45,990 --> 00:18:47,290
harvesting my organs
and killing me.
481
00:18:47,290 --> 00:18:49,690
You gonna go get it?
You gonna get it, boy?
482
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:51,470
No, I think, I think
the doctors need it.
483
00:18:51,470 --> 00:18:54,110
Can we, can we
just lay here?
484
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,430
Dr. Hartman,
w-what're you...?
485
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,980
You're not dressed
for surgery.
486
00:18:59,970 --> 00:19:00,700
I sure am.
487
00:19:00,710 --> 00:19:03,150
But I, I don't
understand.
488
00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:04,110
Well, you see, Mrs. Griffin,
489
00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:06,480
I found another donor
for your husband.
490
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,440
You did?! Who?
491
00:19:08,450 --> 00:19:09,910
Me.
What?!
492
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,420
It turns out
I'm a perfect match.
493
00:19:11,420 --> 00:19:14,450
And I'm willing to give up
one of my kidneys.
494
00:19:14,450 --> 00:19:16,150
Oh, my God,
Dr. Hartman,
495
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,430
y-you'd do that
for us?!
496
00:19:17,420 --> 00:19:20,960
Well, the truth is you folks are
my only remaining patients.
497
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,960
I couldn't afford
to lose two of you.
498
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,060
What do you mean,
two of us?
499
00:19:24,060 --> 00:19:26,900
Well, chances are Peter never
would have survived the surgery.
500
00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:28,330
I mean, I mean,
dog kidneys?!
501
00:19:28,340 --> 00:19:31,040
I'm not even sure
dogs have kidneys.
502
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:32,940
Do dogs have kidneys?
503
00:19:32,940 --> 00:19:33,570
Yes.
504
00:19:33,570 --> 00:19:36,370
Ah, this...
this is the guy.
505
00:19:36,380 --> 00:19:38,150
Oh, my God, Brian...
506
00:19:38,140 --> 00:19:39,040
(all clamoring)
507
00:19:39,050 --> 00:19:41,150
You're gonna live!
508
00:19:41,150 --> 00:19:43,920
Oh, I love you!
I love you!
509
00:19:48,490 --> 00:19:49,480
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
510
00:19:49,490 --> 00:19:52,250
I'm happy to welcome you all
here to our auditorium
511
00:19:52,260 --> 00:19:55,160
for something that's
not a terrible play.
512
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:56,690
In fact, tonight we're graced
513
00:19:56,700 --> 00:19:59,340
with the presence
of our Commander in Chief.
514
00:19:59,330 --> 00:20:03,800
But first, to introduce him
is a very talented young man,
515
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,900
James Woods' own Chris Griffin.
516
00:20:06,910 --> 00:20:08,010
(applause)
517
00:20:08,010 --> 00:20:09,040
Thank you, Principal Shepherd.
518
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:12,310
My sister Meg will be helping me
introduce the President,
519
00:20:12,310 --> 00:20:14,540
since we wrote this essay
together.
520
00:20:14,550 --> 00:20:18,580
"What is Hope?" by
Chris and Meg Griffin.
521
00:20:18,590 --> 00:20:20,960
Hope is what gets you
out of bed in the morning
522
00:20:20,950 --> 00:20:24,350
when it's the day of prom
and you haven't been asked.
523
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:26,200
Hope pushes the
caterpillar
524
00:20:26,190 --> 00:20:29,390
through the cocoon and drives
the salmon upstream.
525
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:33,140
Your breasts may be small
and your glasses may be thick,
526
00:20:33,130 --> 00:20:35,130
but hope doesn't
hold up a mirror.
527
00:20:35,140 --> 00:20:37,280
CHRIS:
Hope is a horizon we head for,
528
00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:39,940
leaving nothing behind us
but fear.
529
00:20:39,940 --> 00:20:41,600
And though we may never reach
our goals,
530
00:20:41,610 --> 00:20:46,470
it's hope that will save us
from who we once were.
531
00:20:54,290 --> 00:20:55,890
And now...
532
00:20:55,890 --> 00:20:57,250
Ladies and gentlemen...
533
00:20:57,260 --> 00:21:01,500
President Mike Obama!
President Barack Obama!
534
00:21:01,490 --> 00:21:03,190
(soft tremolo chord plays)
535
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:07,610
ś You gotta be sincere ś
536
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,000
(moans)
537
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:13,700
ś You gotta be sincere ś
538
00:21:13,710 --> 00:21:16,250
ś You gotta feel it here ś
539
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:18,940
ś 'Cause if you feel it here ś
540
00:21:18,950 --> 00:21:21,650
ś Well, then you're gonna be ś
541
00:21:21,650 --> 00:21:27,180
ś Honestly sincere ś
542
00:21:27,190 --> 00:21:28,190
(up-tempo rhythm plays)
543
00:21:28,190 --> 00:21:29,520
ś If you're really sincere ś
544
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:31,520
ś If you're really
sincere ś
545
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,190
ś If you feel it in here ś
546
00:21:33,190 --> 00:21:34,760
ś Then it's gotta be right! ś
547
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,690
ś Oh, baby! ś
(girls squealing)
548
00:21:36,700 --> 00:21:39,040
ś Oh, honey! ś
549
00:21:39,030 --> 00:21:40,500
ś Hug me! ś
550
00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:42,400
ś Suffer! ś
551
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,270
(girls screaming)