1
00:00:34,973 --> 00:00:35,973
Hey, where's Cleveland?
2
00:00:35,974 --> 00:00:38,002
Doesn't he have a
relative in town or something?
3
00:00:38,003 --> 00:00:40,499
I dunno, but I ordered him a
beer and now it's just sittin' there
4
00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:43,163
lookin' lonlier than Alan
Rickman's answering machine.
5
00:00:45,339 --> 00:00:48,553
Hello. You've reached Alan Rickman
6
00:00:48,583 --> 00:00:52,876
at 0-5-5-5-0-1-2-2.
7
00:00:53,172 --> 00:00:56,148
Please leave a message at the beep.
8
00:00:57,128 --> 00:01:01,127
Hello, Alan Rickman.
It's Alan Rickman
9
00:01:01,570 --> 00:01:06,915
reminding you to move
the pork chops from the
freezer to the refigerator
10
00:01:06,952 --> 00:01:09,356
so they defrost properly.
11
00:01:09,506 --> 00:01:12,340
Do not disappoint me.
12
00:01:14,764 --> 00:01:17,968
Hello. You've reached Alan Rickman
13
00:01:18,003 --> 00:01:22,219
at 0-5-5-5-0-1-2-2.
14
00:01:22,387 --> 00:01:25,234
Please leave a message at the beep.
15
00:01:26,322 --> 00:01:28,878
Alan, it's me again.
16
00:01:29,137 --> 00:01:32,732
Remember that
turtle joke for the party.
17
00:01:32,643 --> 00:01:34,314
Hah hah hah hah hah.
18
00:01:34,797 --> 00:01:38,015
Hey, y'all, I want you to
meet my cousin from Jamaica,
19
00:01:38,016 --> 00:01:40,520
- Madam Claude.
- Nice to meet you all.
20
00:01:40,521 --> 00:01:43,161
Eh heh, you sound like
the crab from Little Mermaid.
21
00:01:43,162 --> 00:01:45,025
I had crabs once. It was awful.
22
00:01:45,026 --> 00:01:47,381
You gotta by that cream
that comes with the little comb.
23
00:01:47,682 --> 00:01:51,307
- 'Course I can still use the comb.
- Well, that's Quagmire.
24
00:01:51,308 --> 00:01:54,049
And you know what else?
Madam Claude is psychic.
25
00:01:54,250 --> 00:01:56,753
She can tell you what
you were in a past life.
26
00:01:56,754 --> 00:01:58,054
I already know what I was.
27
00:01:58,308 --> 00:01:59,575
A strawberry.
28
00:01:59,576 --> 00:02:03,739
Ah ... it's another pleasant day
for me, Peter the Strawberry.
29
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,639
Hey, Mr. Worm.
I welcome you arrival
30
00:02:06,674 --> 00:02:08,571
'cos we're all part of the same garden.
31
00:02:09,418 --> 00:02:13,318
Wait ... whadda ya ... uh ... uh...
hey .. hey ... hey, get outta here!
32
00:02:13,319 --> 00:02:17,838
Hey, hey! Aaah! Aaaaahhh!
Aaaahhhh! Aaaahhhh! Aaaaahhh!
33
00:02:18,039 --> 00:02:19,871
He was my neighbour,
34
00:02:20,072 --> 00:02:21,883
and he violated me.
35
00:02:22,737 --> 00:02:25,677
Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie.
36
00:02:26,174 --> 00:02:28,940
What d'you say, Joe?
You want your past life read?
37
00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:30,040
It'll be fun.
38
00:02:30,041 --> 00:02:31,250
Sure, why not?
39
00:02:32,502 --> 00:02:35,865
OK, dear. Close your
eyes and clear your mind.
40
00:02:36,691 --> 00:02:38,680
OK. I'm seein' somethin'.
41
00:02:39,241 --> 00:02:41,944
Joe, you were an octopus.
42
00:02:41,945 --> 00:02:45,145
Yes! Yes, this is so awesome!
43
00:02:45,592 --> 00:02:46,754
Damn it!!
44
00:02:47,482 --> 00:02:50,188
Ah, that's so cool!
That's so cool! Do me next!
45
00:02:50,748 --> 00:02:52,391
I'm gettin' somethin'.
46
00:02:52,392 --> 00:02:55,887
I see you in London.
I think it's the 1800's.
47
00:02:56,489 --> 00:02:58,916
Oh, my! You were Jack the Ripper!
48
00:03:05,677 --> 00:03:06,492
Giggity!
49
00:03:07,259 --> 00:03:09,123
- What about Peter!
- Yeah, Peter next.
50
00:03:09,124 --> 00:03:11,782
Oh, I don't think there's
anything in that black bag for me.
51
00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:14,509
You're wrong, Peter.
Let us begin.
52
00:03:15,381 --> 00:03:19,053
Oh, my! You were
a very important man.
53
00:03:19,054 --> 00:03:23,326
You were Griffin Peterson,
the founder of the city of Quahog.
54
00:03:23,427 --> 00:03:25,782
Now wait a second, Cool
Runnings. We learned in school
55
00:03:25,817 --> 00:03:30,157
that Miles Chatterbox
Musket founded Quahog, after
he was saved by the magic clam.
56
00:03:30,158 --> 00:03:32,332
No, that is a myth.
57
00:03:32,333 --> 00:03:35,377
Peter, you were
the founder of Quahog.
58
00:03:35,897 --> 00:03:40,074
I see ... I see
England a long time ago.
59
00:03:48,675 --> 00:03:51,031
It is a crisp, clear Spring morning,
60
00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:54,923
and Griffin Peterson is
ridin' to the home of his beloved.
61
00:04:00,995 --> 00:04:03,193
Peterson, what are you doing
here? Shouldn't you be down at
62
00:04:03,274 --> 00:04:06,256
your job, making oblong
bricks out of manure and straw?
63
00:04:06,257 --> 00:04:08,430
No, we're off. It's Martin Luther Day.
64
00:04:08,431 --> 00:04:11,087
- Ah hah!
- Yes, that's a very smart joke.
65
00:04:11,088 --> 00:04:15,630
- Isn't that right, comedy professors?
- Mmmmm. Oh, yeah. Well done. Indeed.
66
00:04:15,631 --> 00:04:18,315
- Now, what d'you want?
- I wanna marry your daughter.
67
00:04:18,316 --> 00:04:20,071
and I'm here to
ask for your blessing.
68
00:04:20,072 --> 00:04:22,566
What could you possibly
have to offer my daughter?
69
00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:24,258
Well, I'm one of
the few guys in this town
70
00:04:24,358 --> 00:04:27,156
who isn't dying a
slow, painful diarrhoea death.
71
00:04:27,744 --> 00:04:28,878
Alright, come on in.
72
00:04:31,669 --> 00:04:37,075
- Knock, Knock. Lady Redbush?
- Griffin! It's so good to see you.
73
00:04:37,076 --> 00:04:39,460
I'm so horny. Kiss my hand.
74
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:41,556
What are you doin' here?
75
00:04:41,557 --> 00:04:44,542
I was just walkin' off the rotted
goose anus I had for breakfast
76
00:04:44,543 --> 00:04:47,011
and I thought I'd come by
and ask you a little question.
77
00:04:47,012 --> 00:04:49,644
- What's that?
- Will you marry me?
78
00:04:49,645 --> 00:04:52,096
Ah! Oh, my God, yes!!
79
00:04:52,097 --> 00:04:55,758
Yes, I will, Griffin. Oh,
I thought you'd never ask.
80
00:04:57,218 --> 00:04:58,683
- Did you do it?
- I did it.
81
00:04:58,684 --> 00:05:00,889
Ooh yah yah yah
oh boy yah yah yah yah ...
82
00:05:01,190 --> 00:05:04,432
But in another part of
London there was a man
83
00:05:04,467 --> 00:05:06,532
who was not in such good spirits.
84
00:05:06,733 --> 00:05:09,813
The King of England.
Stewart, the turd.
85
00:05:09,814 --> 00:05:13,172
Oh .... I'm so bored.
I wish to be entertained.
86
00:05:13,173 --> 00:05:14,285
Where's my troop of actors?
87
00:05:16,614 --> 00:05:20,326
Presenting ... the cast
of How I Met Your Mother.
88
00:05:21,205 --> 00:05:24,997
- You told her, I told you I kissed her?
- Dude, you broke the bro' code.
89
00:05:24,998 --> 00:05:28,239
- That's not against the bro' code.
- Yes it is. Article 15B.
90
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,965
That's the heart
of the bro' code, man.
91
00:05:29,969 --> 00:05:31,995
Well, you're right, I
guess I did break the bro' code.
92
00:05:32,083 --> 00:05:34,694
Hey! Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa ... whoa ... whoa!
93
00:05:34,729 --> 00:05:36,995
What is this?
Are these jokes?
94
00:05:37,512 --> 00:05:40,003
Do people in other
castles think this is funny?
95
00:05:40,004 --> 00:05:43,242
Well, yeah. We get a pretty
sizeable chunk of Princes 18 to 34.
96
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,622
I think I'd like to
delete this from my TIVO.
97
00:05:46,023 --> 00:05:48,932
- Are you sure you
want to delete this program?
- Yes.
98
00:05:50,273 --> 00:05:52,569
Bring me my mid
season replacement fool!
99
00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:55,040
- Hi there.
- I want to hear some jokes, fool.
100
00:05:55,041 --> 00:05:57,145
Well, y'know, I don't really tell jokes.
101
00:05:57,194 --> 00:05:58,972
I .. I like to tell stories from my life
102
00:05:59,007 --> 00:06:02,040
and let the humour flow
organically from everyday situations.
103
00:06:02,252 --> 00:06:03,076
A-hem.
104
00:06:03,077 --> 00:06:05,756
Yeah, my aunt Frieda was a real card
105
00:06:05,757 --> 00:06:07,532
She always had
the most wonderful spirit,
106
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:09,357
even when her mind started to go.
107
00:06:09,358 --> 00:06:11,888
I remember once, she
wrote a letter to my uncle Tom
108
00:06:11,889 --> 00:06:14,055
from whom she'd been
divorced for several years.
109
00:06:14,056 --> 00:06:17,250
And in the letter, she'd
misspelled his name T-O-M-M.
110
00:06:17,251 --> 00:06:19,847
And I said, "Frieda, you've
spelled Tom's name wrong."
111
00:06:19,848 --> 00:06:21,378
"You need to take out one of the M's."
112
00:06:21,379 --> 00:06:23,389
And she said, "Which one?"
113
00:06:23,890 --> 00:06:25,888
Y'know, you're gonna
be #@%*!@$ dead in 5 seconds
114
00:06:25,923 --> 00:06:27,462
if aunt Frieda doesn't
throw a pie at somebody!
115
00:06:27,663 --> 00:06:29,710
I mean, part of that is you
sorta have to know my family ...
116
00:06:29,711 --> 00:06:30,543
Make me laugh!!!
117
00:06:30,744 --> 00:06:32,287
Hey, look .... keys!
118
00:06:32,288 --> 00:06:34,904
Ha ha ha ah ah.
Oh, that's so satirical.
119
00:06:34,905 --> 00:06:36,759
Ah ha ha. What social commentary?
120
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,539
Ah ha ha. Well, now
I'm in a wonderful humour.
121
00:06:39,540 --> 00:06:41,711
I wish to go for a walk into town.
122
00:06:45,145 --> 00:06:47,617
Hey, coachman. Let's drive
on the left side of the road
123
00:06:47,652 --> 00:06:48,959
and see if that catches on.
124
00:06:49,662 --> 00:06:52,592
Good Lord! Who is that?
125
00:06:56,002 --> 00:06:59,075
That's Lady Redbush, and her
husband-to-be, Griffin Peterson.
126
00:06:59,076 --> 00:07:02,854
That piece of arse is marrying
that tall glass of poop juice?
127
00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:04,994
Well, not if I have
anything to say about it.
128
00:07:04,995 --> 00:07:07,683
A woman of that calibre
should be married to a King.
129
00:07:07,684 --> 00:07:10,786
- Well, what are
you gonna do about him?
- I'm the King, jester.
130
00:07:10,787 --> 00:07:13,828
I'm going to have him exiled
to the farthest corner of the world.
131
00:07:13,905 --> 00:07:15,918
And then she'll be all mine.
132
00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:18,246
Why is he such a jerk to everybody?
133
00:07:18,247 --> 00:07:21,200
Because he has
a very, very small penis.
134
00:07:21,401 --> 00:07:22,810
I've seen it, actually, and .. and it's,
135
00:07:22,845 --> 00:07:24,628
like, you don't even
want to make fun of it,
136
00:07:24,663 --> 00:07:28,398
- y'know ... it's just
... medically fascinating.
- I kinda wanna see it.
137
00:07:28,433 --> 00:07:32,288
Yeah, it's like
that one grape in the
bunch that never got to be a grape.
138
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,798
I wonder what's keepin' Griffin.
139
00:07:39,799 --> 00:07:41,829
Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, sweetie.
140
00:07:41,664 --> 00:07:44,237
Remember, he's tubby. It
takes him a while to move around.
141
00:07:44,438 --> 00:07:47,072
I hope he didn't get diarrhoea and die.
142
00:07:47,073 --> 00:07:50,160
- Can I feel those boobs?
- No! Daddy, what are you, sick?
143
00:07:50,161 --> 00:07:51,944
Hey, it's a different time!
144
00:07:52,729 --> 00:07:56,173
What a wonderfully exciting day.
I'm young, I'm all dressed up,
145
00:07:56,208 --> 00:07:58,766
and I'm on my way
to marry the woman I love.
146
00:07:58,767 --> 00:08:03,598
And there's 290 years separating
me from the films of Kevin Smith.
147
00:08:03,699 --> 00:08:04,857
Hey, Peterson!
148
00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:09,887
- Who are you?
- I'm King Stewart.
149
00:08:09,888 --> 00:08:11,834
- Don't you recognise
me from the coins?
150
00:08:11,869 --> 00:08:13,462
Oh, yeah. The one's with your profile.
151
00:08:13,463 --> 00:08:15,698
You know, you look
really weird from the side.
152
00:08:15,699 --> 00:08:18,415
Well, that's something we
didn't really think out too well
153
00:08:18,450 --> 00:08:20,123
when we started ...
but never mind that!!
154
00:08:20,124 --> 00:08:22,022
You're going into exile, Peterson.
155
00:08:22,029 --> 00:08:24,729
I'm shipping you out on
the first boat to the new world.
156
00:08:24,730 --> 00:08:26,509
But I'm supposed to get married today.
157
00:08:26,510 --> 00:08:28,296
Oh, yeah? Where you
going for your honeymoon?
158
00:08:28,297 --> 00:08:31,287
- That medium sized hill.
- Wrong. Seize him!
159
00:08:33,215 --> 00:08:36,708
And King Stewart's
cruelty was only just beginning.
160
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:40,413
Maybe he changed his
mind. Maybe he's not comin'.
161
00:08:40,414 --> 00:08:44,604
Ohhhhh, come on now. There,
feel better after I just said that?
162
00:08:44,605 --> 00:08:46,377
- Give me one little touch.
- No!
163
00:08:46,378 --> 00:08:49,527
I hate this. I .. I .. I hate my life!
164
00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:54,044
- Oh ... the King!
- The King is here.
165
00:08:54,245 --> 00:08:55,680
I didn't vote for him.
166
00:08:55,881 --> 00:08:58,587
Your Majesty, this is
a real honour. Carter Redbush.
167
00:08:58,625 --> 00:08:59,724
Very glad to meet you.
168
00:08:59,725 --> 00:09:01,434
Hello. Harry McAfee.
169
00:09:01,469 --> 00:09:04,110
As a citizen, I'm proud
to have you reign over me
170
00:09:04,145 --> 00:09:06,138
and the McAfee Fertilizer company.
171
00:09:07,378 --> 00:09:10,646
Lady Redbush, I wish I
was here on a happier errand.
172
00:09:10,647 --> 00:09:14,549
But I'm afraid I must inform
you that Griffin Peterson is dead.
173
00:09:14,949 --> 00:09:15,550
What?!
174
00:09:16,675 --> 00:09:18,759
Now that some time has
passed, do you wanna go out?
175
00:09:22,260 --> 00:09:25,252
With Griffin Peterson
exiled to the new world
176
00:09:25,253 --> 00:09:27,570
and Lady Redbush
believing he was dead,
177
00:09:27,571 --> 00:09:30,356
King Stewart was
now free to marry her.
178
00:09:30,357 --> 00:09:33,512
The bride and groom
have written their own vows.
179
00:09:33,513 --> 00:09:37,601
Our love is like two
figs hanging from a fig tree,
180
00:09:37,602 --> 00:09:39,908
cradled by Cupid's own hand.
181
00:09:39,909 --> 00:09:41,908
You and I are like t...
182
00:09:42,361 --> 00:09:43,761
Oh ...oh ... I'm sorry.
183
00:09:43,762 --> 00:09:46,962
Is my wedding interrupting
your .. your promotion?
184
00:09:46,963 --> 00:09:49,076
We're right in the middle of our show.
185
00:09:49,077 --> 00:09:52,361
OK, right now. You
have a time slot. Go there!
186
00:09:53,011 --> 00:09:56,137
Maybe finish this candy bar
before you open another one.
187
00:09:56,951 --> 00:09:59,508
Well, at least it wasn't one of those
promos where they've got the whole
188
00:09:59,509 --> 00:10:02,712
cast shoving each other
playfully, like they're all good pals.
189
00:10:03,486 --> 00:10:07,641
Oh, oh, look! There we go! Oh, look
at 'em jostling each other around.
190
00:10:07,642 --> 00:10:11,429
Oh, they give each other a
hard time, but they're friends.
191
00:10:11,430 --> 00:10:12,635
Is that areal show?
192
00:10:12,636 --> 00:10:15,689
No, it's just ... no, it's ..
somebody's makin' a joke. Forget it.
193
00:10:15,980 --> 00:10:20,072
Meanwhile, Griffin Peterson and
the other exiles passed the time
194
00:10:20,168 --> 00:10:21,851
on the ship to the new world.
195
00:10:22,146 --> 00:10:24,321
Ah, crap! A splinter.
196
00:10:24,322 --> 00:10:27,389
- Well, it's been nice knowin' you guys.
- So, what'd you do to get exiled?
197
00:10:27,390 --> 00:10:30,533
I got caught pleasuring
myself to a painstakingly
198
00:10:30,534 --> 00:10:32,868
etched engraving of the wife of Bath.
199
00:10:33,069 --> 00:10:33,948
What you do?
200
00:10:33,949 --> 00:10:35,567
Ah, I slept with an underaged virgin
201
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:36,994
to cure my puff penis.
202
00:10:36,995 --> 00:10:39,854
Hey, fellers. You wanna join
me in a game of mumble peg?
203
00:10:39,855 --> 00:10:42,248
- Oh, no thanks.
- Fine, I'll play by myself.
204
00:10:42,249 --> 00:10:45,972
.. mumble .. mumble .. mumble ..
.. mumble .. mumble .. mumble ..
205
00:10:45,991 --> 00:10:47,053
One - nothing.
206
00:10:47,154 --> 00:10:50,505
Eventually, after many months at sea
207
00:10:50,506 --> 00:10:54,519
Griffen Peterson and his shipmates
finally reached the new world.
208
00:10:55,364 --> 00:10:57,714
I declare this land .. Quahog.
209
00:10:57,915 --> 00:11:00,612
This place is nothin' but a
wilderness. What're we gonna do?
210
00:11:00,713 --> 00:11:02,916
We're gonna build a new settlement.
211
00:11:02,917 --> 00:11:06,294
We'll have a happy new life,
and we'll have equal rights for all.
212
00:11:06,395 --> 00:11:10,354
Except Blacks, Asians, Hispanics,
Jews, Gays, Women, Muslims ..
213
00:11:10,655 --> 00:11:12,562
Um ... everybody
who's not a white man.
214
00:11:12,763 --> 00:11:13,896
And I mean "white" white,
215
00:11:13,931 --> 00:11:17,932
so no Italians, no Polish. Just people
from Ireland, England, and Scotland.
216
00:11:18,033 --> 00:11:20,182
But from only certain
parts of Scotland and Ireland.
217
00:11:20,583 --> 00:11:22,218
Just full blooded whites.
218
00:11:22,219 --> 00:11:24,235
No, y'know what? Not even whites.
219
00:11:24,236 --> 00:11:25,463
Nobody gets any rights.
220
00:11:26,256 --> 00:11:27,905
Ahhhh ... America.
221
00:11:33,011 --> 00:11:35,680
How's your
stewed fox-quail, my dear?
222
00:11:35,832 --> 00:11:39,048
Oh, it's quite good.
I'm also enjoyin' the turtled hen.
223
00:11:39,049 --> 00:11:40,567
Isn't the turtled hen good?
224
00:11:41,143 --> 00:11:43,586
So, listen. You and I
need to have a conversation
225
00:11:43,587 --> 00:11:45,624
about you not bearing me a son.
226
00:11:45,625 --> 00:11:47,240
Well, my Lord, we've discussed this.
227
00:11:47,241 --> 00:11:50,139
We have to have sex in
order for me to bear you a son.
228
00:11:50,140 --> 00:11:53,533
Oh, I know. I've just been so
tired, and I've had so much work,
229
00:11:53,534 --> 00:11:55,314
and I think .. I think
I wanted to the other day
230
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:59,805
but I couldn't find you.
So, y'know, it's like both of
us on our schedules, y'know?
231
00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:01,664
Well, why don't we do it tonight?
232
00:12:01,665 --> 00:12:04,291
Maybe. Tonight might work. Yea...
233
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:06,558
Oh, no! I got that thing in the morning.
234
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,378
Oh .. how 'bout tomorrow at four?
235
00:12:08,379 --> 00:12:10,547
You know I'm with
my mother tomorrow at four.
236
00:12:10,648 --> 00:12:13,924
Oh, darn it! I'm going to
be so horny tomorrow at four.
237
00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:17,410
Y'know, I gotta say, I'm a little mad
at you for not bein' more available.
238
00:12:17,482 --> 00:12:19,570
We can have sex
right now on the table.
239
00:12:19,605 --> 00:12:21,633
Hey! hey, hey, hey ... hey.
240
00:12:21,872 --> 00:12:22,860
We eat here.
241
00:12:27,307 --> 00:12:31,028
Griffin Peterson and the other
colonists worked day and night
242
00:12:31,029 --> 00:12:33,681
to build their new
settlement, until finally,
243
00:12:33,682 --> 00:12:38,174
after much hard work, the
colony of Quahog was complete.
244
00:12:46,987 --> 00:12:51,384
It didn't take long before Quahog
was a thriving new world settlement,
245
00:12:51,385 --> 00:12:52,685
bustling with life.
246
00:12:53,691 --> 00:12:55,482
Boy, everything's
shapin' up real nice.
247
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:58,317
Yeah, and we finally
finished the town Abortion Clinic.
248
00:13:03,792 --> 00:13:06,989
Time had helped
Griffin forget Lady Redbush,
249
00:13:06,990 --> 00:13:09,792
and soon he found
himself a hearty new wife.
250
00:13:09,893 --> 00:13:11,832
Boy, that was fantastic.
251
00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,461
You must have had a lot of practice.
252
00:13:13,462 --> 00:13:16,717
No, not really. I've been
saving myself for marriage.
253
00:13:16,818 --> 00:13:19,910
Ahhhhhh ....... We should
probably open up some windows.
254
00:13:23,659 --> 00:13:27,683
I don't know what to do, jester. I
can't be married to the King anymore.
255
00:13:27,684 --> 00:13:30,320
My heart still
belongs to Griffin Peterson,
256
00:13:30,321 --> 00:13:31,677
but he's dead.
257
00:13:31,678 --> 00:13:34,855
- Ahh. No. He's not.
- What?
258
00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:38,336
I was ordered to keep silent by
the King, under threat of execution
259
00:13:38,337 --> 00:13:40,432
but .. you're gonna see this anyway.
260
00:13:46,144 --> 00:13:50,966
Oh, my God! He's alive!
Jester, I've got to get to him.
261
00:13:50,967 --> 00:13:53,071
I'll help you. But
only if I can go with you.
262
00:13:53,072 --> 00:13:55,810
If I stay here, the King'll
execute me for telling you all this.
263
00:13:55,811 --> 00:13:57,983
Well .. OK. But how
are we gonna get there?
264
00:13:58,029 --> 00:14:00,580
We'll hitch a ride on one of
the slave ships tomorrow night,
265
00:14:00,759 --> 00:14:02,620
after an all new Shovin' Buddies.
266
00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:08,752
Followed by an all
new slowly rotating black man.
267
00:14:12,772 --> 00:14:16,245
And so Lady Redbush
sailed off to the new world.
268
00:14:16,246 --> 00:14:17,838
to find her beloved.
269
00:14:17,839 --> 00:14:21,315
And the timin' was good, because
his new wife was a pain in him arse.
270
00:14:21,316 --> 00:14:23,087
.. and then I
finished scrubbing the kettle
271
00:14:23,088 --> 00:14:25,187
but .. then I saw that I'd missed a spot
272
00:14:25,188 --> 00:14:27,742
and, oh .. I was so worried that
the whole thing wasn't clean enough
273
00:14:27,743 --> 00:14:30,804
so I went back and started
washing it again, and sure enough ...
274
00:14:30,805 --> 00:14:33,382
.. I'd missed another spot, and
there was a clump of cornmeal
275
00:14:33,417 --> 00:14:36,953
- under the rim
from when I made breakfast.
- Shut up, Meg! I prithee, shut up!
276
00:14:37,322 --> 00:14:37,973
Griffen!
277
00:14:38,497 --> 00:14:39,697
Lady Redbush.
278
00:14:42,993 --> 00:14:47,548
And so, Griffin Peterson and
Lady Redbush were happily reunited.
279
00:14:47,549 --> 00:14:51,847
Of course, Griffin had to go
through the complex, extensive divorce
280
00:14:51,848 --> 00:14:55,160
procedure required
by 18th century society.
281
00:14:59,846 --> 00:15:02,046
Gone! What do you mean she's gone?
282
00:15:02,047 --> 00:15:05,283
Sire, Lady Redbush has
been gone these 6 months.
283
00:15:05,284 --> 00:15:10,070
- 6 months?
- Yes. Forgive me, Sire, but how
could you not be aware of this?
284
00:15:10,071 --> 00:15:11,919
Don't you share a
bed chamber with her?
285
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:15,283
Well, I mean, sometimes we .. we..
we sleep .. we.. we go to different ..
286
00:15:15,318 --> 00:15:18,210
er, we go to bed at.. at different
times. We've both been so busy ...
287
00:15:18,299 --> 00:15:21,747
it's been .. rediculous! I .. I thought
she was takin' a class or something.
288
00:15:22,048 --> 00:15:24,931
Oh, man, that sucks!
Because I'm so horny.
289
00:15:24,932 --> 00:15:28,237
Damn it! Oh, I wanted
to do sex to her tonight.
290
00:15:28,238 --> 00:15:30,056
Well then, I guess
we've gotta go get her.
291
00:15:30,357 --> 00:15:31,479
Yeah .. alright.
292
00:15:33,264 --> 00:15:37,668
Months rolled by, and Griffin
and Lady Redbush continued to
293
00:15:37,669 --> 00:15:40,022
flourish happily in
the colony of Quahog,
294
00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:44,466
completely unaware that
King Stewart was on the march.
295
00:15:44,667 --> 00:15:48,349
There was a peaceful
town called Quahog
296
00:15:49,452 --> 00:15:53,193
Where people lived in harmony
297
00:15:54,310 --> 00:15:58,447
They never had no kind of trouble
298
00:15:59,077 --> 00:16:03,387
There was no hint of misery.
299
00:16:07,752 --> 00:16:09,903
Then all at once the trouble started
300
00:16:10,580 --> 00:16:13,044
A pack of murderers and thieves
301
00:16:13,682 --> 00:16:15,822
Like swarms of
locusts they descended
302
00:16:16,883 --> 00:16:19,773
Their aim to
make the townfolk flee
303
00:16:22,158 --> 00:16:23,481
They've gotta be here somewhere.
304
00:16:23,582 --> 00:16:24,988
Where's my 1st lieutenant?
305
00:16:24,989 --> 00:16:28,757
Here I am, sir. Yessir, right
indeed, here indeed, yes I am, sir.
306
00:16:28,758 --> 00:16:31,330
I want you to turn this
settlement upside down until
307
00:16:31,331 --> 00:16:33,076
you find Lady
Redbush and Griffin Peterson.
308
00:16:33,377 --> 00:16:36,488
That fat bastard thinks he can
steal my bride and get away with it
309
00:16:36,489 --> 00:16:38,871
I wouldn't bet a corn
farthing on him escaping.
310
00:16:38,872 --> 00:16:41,921
No, I wouldn't. Not a corn
farthing would I bet. No sir.
311
00:16:42,122 --> 00:16:44,754
- What's wrong with you?
- Little wrong in the head, I am,
312
00:16:44,755 --> 00:16:49,008
from eatin' some
bad sausages. Yes, bad
sausages that I eat, indeed, sir.
313
00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:51,519
Yes, I did some bad sausages ate I.
314
00:16:55,285 --> 00:16:59,008
Oh, Griffin, this time together
has been the happiest of my life.
315
00:16:59,009 --> 00:17:00,472
Me too, Lady Redbush.
316
00:17:00,473 --> 00:17:03,313
All those months I was
without you, I never stopped
317
00:17:03,344 --> 00:17:05,328
seein' your face in
the back of my wife's head.
318
00:17:05,529 --> 00:17:08,296
And all those months I
was sailin' for the new world
319
00:17:08,297 --> 00:17:11,228
I saw your face
in every slave's stomach.
320
00:17:11,229 --> 00:17:12,980
Tell me we'll be together forever.
321
00:17:12,981 --> 00:17:13,977
We will.
322
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:18,523
I found 'em, your Majesty.
Indeed, yes I did found 'em, did I
323
00:17:18,524 --> 00:17:21,256
- did, yessir, I did.
- Yeah. OK, OK ... whatever.
324
00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:23,647
Alright, Peterson. Two
things are gonna happen here:
325
00:17:23,648 --> 00:17:26,119
I'm gonna take my wife back,
and then I'm gonna kill you!
326
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,276
Alright, alright,
Mr. King, sir. You win.
327
00:17:28,783 --> 00:17:31,306
I'm sorry, Lady Redbush.
But he is your husband.
328
00:17:31,507 --> 00:17:35,112
Let me just, uh, walk over
here and get your things for you.
329
00:17:35,113 --> 00:17:36,550
Nyaah-ahhhhh!
330
00:17:36,551 --> 00:17:39,209
Alright, your Majesty. If
you wanna leave with your pal in
331
00:17:39,210 --> 00:17:41,371
one piece, I suggest you
throw down your weapons.
332
00:17:42,074 --> 00:17:44,544
Go ahead and kill him, Griffin.
You kill him, and I'll kill her.
333
00:17:44,545 --> 00:17:46,204
Go ahead. You kill her, I'll kill him.
334
00:17:46,405 --> 00:17:47,746
Go ahead. You kill him, I'll kill her.
335
00:17:47,747 --> 00:17:49,402
Knock yourself out.
You kill her, I'll kill him.
336
00:17:49,503 --> 00:17:51,831
Ha ha ha. This is me laughing.
You kill him, I'll kill her.
337
00:17:51,932 --> 00:17:54,182
Ha ha ha. This is me
before Ultra Slim-Fast.
338
00:17:54,183 --> 00:17:55,254
You kill her, I'll kill him.
339
00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:58,051
Wait! Wait! There's gotta
be a better way to settle this.
340
00:17:59,236 --> 00:18:01,247
- Talent show?
- Talent show!
341
00:18:05,322 --> 00:18:09,443
Hear ye! Hear ye!
This talent competition will
decide rightful possession of
342
00:18:09,444 --> 00:18:12,530
the good Lady Redbush and
control of the colony of Quahog.
343
00:18:12,631 --> 00:18:16,782
We first present
King Stewart of England with
some observational humour.
344
00:18:16,983 --> 00:18:18,102
Hi, there, everybody.
345
00:18:18,103 --> 00:18:20,685
You know, my aunt
Frieda was a real card.
346
00:18:20,686 --> 00:18:22,541
She always had
the most wonderful spirit,
347
00:18:22,576 --> 00:18:24,462
even when her mind started to go.
348
00:18:24,463 --> 00:18:25,439
What the !*$#@?
349
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,057
I remember once, she
wrote a letter to my uncle Tom
350
00:18:28,058 --> 00:18:30,056
from whom she'd been
divorced for several years.
351
00:18:30,075 --> 00:18:33,152
And in the letter, she'd
misspelled his name T-O-M-M.
352
00:18:33,248 --> 00:18:35,493
This .. this is my bit.
These .. these are all my bits.
353
00:18:35,494 --> 00:18:36,647
Ssshh. This is funny.
354
00:18:36,648 --> 00:18:37,607
Unbelievable.
355
00:18:37,608 --> 00:18:39,946
And I said, "Frieda, you've
spelled Tom's name wrong."
356
00:18:39,981 --> 00:18:41,414
"You need to take out one of the M's."
357
00:18:41,449 --> 00:18:43,053
And she said, "Which one?"
358
00:19:24,187 --> 00:19:25,987
Clap your hands, everybody.
359
00:19:25,988 --> 00:19:27,897
And everybody clap your hands.
360
00:19:28,298 --> 00:19:31,205
We are the Quahog colonists
361
00:19:31,206 --> 00:19:33,113
- and Mort the Jew.
- Hey there.
362
00:19:33,114 --> 00:19:35,223
We're out here on stage tonight
363
00:19:35,339 --> 00:19:37,020
to do a show for you
364
00:19:37,321 --> 00:19:39,856
We got Peterson on the violin
365
00:19:39,857 --> 00:19:42,004
and Quagmire and
Joe will be joinin' in
366
00:19:42,005 --> 00:19:44,336
We got Stumpy
Shamus on the lead guitar
367
00:19:44,337 --> 00:19:46,448
and he's gonna
give you a great big ...
368
00:19:46,449 --> 00:19:50,106
Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrr! Break!
369
00:19:52,547 --> 00:19:55,348
Oh, God. They put
so much work into theirs.
370
00:19:55,349 --> 00:19:57,454
I .. I didn't know
we could rip off movies.
371
00:20:09,675 --> 00:20:13,429
And from then on, Lady
Redbush and Griffin Peterson
372
00:20:13,430 --> 00:20:15,634
lived in peace and happiness.
373
00:20:17,330 --> 00:20:20,830
- Oh, Griffen, I love you.
- And I, you.
374
00:20:20,831 --> 00:20:23,271
Let's grow old into our 30's together.
375
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:27,475
I wanna have a baby with you.
376
00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:30,184
And I wanna be there there
when you die, giving birth to it.
377
00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:40,014
And so ends the tale of Griffin
Peterson and the founding of Quahog.
378
00:20:40,028 --> 00:20:42,708
Well, what a bunch of
delightfully colorful characters.
379
00:20:42,997 --> 00:20:44,825
- So, was that it?
- That's it.
380
00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:48,141
Now stay tuned for an
all new Cross Armed Opposites.
381
00:20:48,570 --> 00:20:51,283
- This guy.
- No. This guy.
382
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:54,237
- No. This guy.
- No. This guy.
383
00:20:54,238 --> 00:20:55,673
Both of us.
384
00:20:55,874 --> 00:21:05,495
Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha .... ahhhhhh.
385
00:21:05,896 --> 00:21:06,496
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9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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