1
00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:05,380
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

2
00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:08,383
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

3
00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:11,845
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪

4
00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:14,932
♪ On which we used to rely?

5
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:18,519
♪ Lucky there's a family guy

6
00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:21,855
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

7
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,315
♪ All the things that make us

8
00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:25,067
♪ Laugh and cry

9
00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:30,030
♪ He's...
a... fam... ily... guy! ♪

10
00:00:32,908 --> 00:00:34,701
MERRY CHRISTMAS, DUDE.

11
00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:35,953
DON'T PUT IT
IN YOUR NOSE.

12
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,538
IT BURNS LIKE HELL.

13
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:43,502
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY.

14
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:47,172
AS PRESIDENT OF THE QUAHOG
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE

15
00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:49,675
I'D LIKE TO THANK
THE SENIOR CENTER

16
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:51,552
FOR DECORATING OUR TREE.

17
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,264
(all cackling)

18
00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:56,348
(bone cracks)

19
00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:57,850
OOH, BROKE
MY HIP.

20
00:00:57,933 --> 00:00:59,977
LOOK, HONEY,
THERE'S THE MANGER

21
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,395
FOR THE CHRISTMAS
PAGEANT.

22
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,106
YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE THE
CUTEST BABY JESUS EVER.

23
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:05,732
SO, YOU WANT TO DRESS ME UP

24
00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,527
AND TROT ME ABOUT
LIKE A CIRCUS POODLE, HMM?

25
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:11,655
WELL, LET ME CONSULT MY AGENT,
MR. IRVING R. POINTY-STICK!

26
00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,448
OH, STEWIE.

27
00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:15,075
NO SWEETS
BEFORE DINNER.

28
00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:16,326
MOM, I'M FREEZING.

29
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,411
CAN WE GO HOME?

30
00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:18,745
IN A MINUTE.

31
00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:21,498
WOULD YOU JUST LOOK
AT THIS BEAUTIFUL TREE?

32
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:23,667
EVERY YEAR
I LOOK UP AT THAT STAR

33
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,919
AND I THINK OF ALL
THE JOY AND WONDER

34
00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:27,212
THAT CHRISTMAS
PROMISES.

35
00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:29,089
AND THAT MIRACLE THAT OCCURRED

36
00:01:29,173 --> 00:01:31,091
ON THAT SILENT WINTER'S NIGHT.

37
00:01:32,968 --> 00:01:34,678
HEY, I'M ON VACATION!

38
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,847
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS!

39
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,015
♪ SEVEN MAIDS A-MILKIN'

40
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,308
♪ SIX MAIDS A-MILKIN'

41
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:41,602
♪ FIVE MAIDS A-MILK--

42
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:45,480
BRIAN, YOU'RE
NOT WEARING

43
00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:47,149
THE SWEATER
I MADE YOU.

44
00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:49,443
UH, WELL, IT'S A LITTLE
WARM IN HERE.

45
00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:51,195
"DON WE NOW OUR
GAY APPAREL."

46
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,282
DOESN'T GET MUCH GAYER
THAN THIS.

47
00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:56,909
PETER, TOMORROW'S
CHRISTMAS EVE

48
00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,660
AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T
GOTTEN US A TREE.

49
00:01:58,744 --> 00:01:59,912
LOIS, I TOLD YOU

50
00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:01,788
I'M ON DIPS O'
LUSCIOUS VACATION.

51
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,874
WHAT PART OF THAT
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

52
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,334
COME ON, HONEY.

53
00:02:05,417 --> 00:02:06,752
IT'S THE ONLY THING
I'VE ASKED YOU TO DO.

54
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:07,836
PLEASE?

55
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,004
(whines)

56
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:10,088
BRIAN, TAPE THIS FOR ME.

57
00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:11,340
SORRY, THE VCR
HASN'T WORKED

58
00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,300
SINCE YOU TRIED TO TAPE
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.

59
00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:18,931
DO YOU HAVE THE EXPRESS
WRITTEN CONSENT OF ABC SPORTS

60
00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,557
AND THE NATIONAL
FOOTBALL LEAGUE?

61
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:21,934
JUST ABC.

62
00:02:22,017 --> 00:02:23,060
(guns cocking)

63
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,813
WELL, IF YOU
GET US A TREE

64
00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:29,233
I'LL MAKE SURE
SANTA BRINGS YOU A NEW VCR.

65
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:30,317
PLEASE?

66
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:31,401
AH, CRAP.

67
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:32,611
HOW COME I...
COMMERCIAL!

68
00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:38,951
HEY, MOM,
I GOT SOMETHING

69
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,577
TO ADD
TO MY CHRISTMAS LIST.

70
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,704
A PAIR OF THOSE
JEWELED BUG BARRETTES.

71
00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:44,122
NOT COSTUME, REAL.

72
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:45,666
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
WRITE THAT DOWN?

73
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:48,669
HONEY, SANTA GOT ALL
HIS SHOPPING DONE BEFORE THE RUSH.

74
00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,420
I THINK YOU'LL
BE VERY HAPPY.

75
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,422
I JUST WANT
PEACE ON EARTH.

76
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:55,592
THAT'S BETTER THAN BEING
SELFISH LIKE MEG, RIGHT?

77
00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:57,636
SO I SHOULD
GET MORE THAN HER.

78
00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,221
HERE'S A TREE--
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

79
00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,098
AND TO ALL,
SHUT THE HELL UP.

80
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,516
AH-AH-AH! BEFORE
YOU SIT DOWN

81
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,142
WE'RE DUE AT JOE
AND BONNIE'S FOR EGGNOG.

82
00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:06,144
LOIS, CAN'T WE TELL THEM
THAT YOUR MOTHER DIED?

83
00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:07,604
PETER, I'M NOT
GOING TO LIE

84
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,022
ABOUT SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.

85
00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:11,233
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'LL KILL YOUR MOTHER.

86
00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:13,235
GOD, WHEN DID CHRISTMAS
BECOME SO COMPLICATED?

87
00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:19,908
SO, UH, YOU GUYS
KNOW THAT RUDOLPH IS ON, RIGHT?

88
00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:21,243
PETER!

89
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:23,287
THANK YOU FOR THE LOVELY
GINGERBREAD HOUSE, LOIS.

90
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,038
OH, YEAH, IT'S PERFECT

91
00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:27,708
FOR ALL THE HAPPY, ACTIVE
GINGERBREAD MEN...

92
00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:29,251
EXCEPT FOR THE ONE

93
00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:31,211
WITH NO LEGS!

94
00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:33,338
LOOK AT THE PARENTS
TELLING THEIR KIDS NOT TO STARE.

95
00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,090
"HOW DOES HIS PEE-PEE WORK,
MOMMY?"

96
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,842
WELL, I GOT NEWS
FOR YOU, BECKY--

97
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,385
NOT SO WELL!

98
00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:40,929
JOE, YOU PROMISED.

99
00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:43,015
IT'S CHRISTMAS.

100
00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,767
UH, JOE HAD HIS ACCIDENT
AT CHRISTMASTIME.

101
00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:47,936
(weak chuckle)

102
00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:50,439
♪ DECK THE BALLS
ON UNCLE CHARLIE... ♪

103
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:51,815
YES!

104
00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,400
TIME TO GO A-WASSAILING.

105
00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:54,735
HEY, PETER!

106
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:57,196
HI, I'M PRANCER.

107
00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,323
HEY, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE JOE ALONG?

108
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:01,241
YEAH, LOIS, THAT'LL
BE ABOUT AS MUCH FUN

109
00:04:01,325 --> 00:04:03,327
AS A LECTURE
ON ONTOLOGICAL EMPIRICISM.

110
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:04,536
- WHAT?
- WHAT?

111
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:07,372
HONEY, HE COULD USE
SOME CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.

112
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:09,750
FOR ME? PLEASE?

113
00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:10,834
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

114
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:11,919
BUT YOU OWE ME.

115
00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:13,587
LATER, UNDER
THE MISTLETOE.

116
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,255
OPEN MOUTH, NO MATTER
HOW DRUNK I AM.

117
00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,594
PETER, THE GIFTS ARE HIDDEN
IN THE TRUNK.

118
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:23,263
DON'T FORGET TO DROP OFF
THE ONE FOR "TOYS FOR TODDLERS."

119
00:04:23,347 --> 00:04:24,556
ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.

120
00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:25,849
SOMEBODY GIVE ME
A BEER.

121
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,184
HEADS UP!

122
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,061
UH, PETER, ONE
OF US HAS TO BE

123
00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:30,479
THE DESIGNATED
DRIVER

124
00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:33,106
AND I'VE ALREADY
HAD FOUR EGGNOGS

125
00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,525
SO I GUESS
YOU'RE IT.

126
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,068
(laughing):
THAT'S A GOOD ONE, JOE.

127
00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,486
WAY TO GET
INTO THE SPIRIT.

128
00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:39,238
I'M A COP FIRST
AND A BUDDY SECOND

129
00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:41,031
SO DON'T THINK
I WOULDN'T THROW

130
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,866
YOUR DRUNK-DRIVING
ASS IN THE SLAMMER!

131
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:43,951
(gulping)

132
00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:45,619
ALL RIGHT!
LET'S WASSAIL!

133
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,122
STEWIE, HONEY

134
00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:50,499
TIME FOR BED.

135
00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:53,293
YOU HAVE A BIG DAY
TOMORROW, BABY JESUS.

136
00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:55,003
TRUST ME, WOMAN,
IF I COULD WALK ON WATER

137
00:04:55,087 --> 00:04:57,005
I WOULD STROLL YOU OUT
TO THE MIDDLE OF A LAKE

138
00:04:57,089 --> 00:04:59,299
AND HOLD YOUR HEAD UNDER
UNTIL THE BUBBLES STOPPED!

139
00:04:59,383 --> 00:05:02,052
OOH, SOMEONE'S BEING
NAUGHTY, NOT NICE.

140
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,263
YOU KNOW SANTA'S
WATCHING YOU.

141
00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:06,139
WHAT THE DEVIL DO YOU MEAN,
"WATCHING"?

142
00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:07,933
WELL, HONEY, SANTA'S
"MAKING A LIST

143
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:09,643
AND CHECKING
IT TWICE."

144
00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,395
"HE SEES YOU
WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING."

145
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,063
"AND HE KNOWS
WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE."

146
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,773
I ALMOST CAUGHT HIM LAST YEAR

147
00:05:14,857 --> 00:05:16,900
BUT HE'S MAGIC.

148
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,777
CONSTANT SURVEILLANCE
OF EVERY CHILD ON EARTH--

149
00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,362
IMPOSSIBLE!

150
00:05:20,445 --> 00:05:21,697
UNLESS...

151
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:23,949
HIDDEN CAMERAS.

152
00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:25,284
OH, VERY CLEVER!

153
00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:27,703
WATCHING TO SEE
IF I'M NAUGHTY, ARE YOU?

154
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,496
THEN CHECK THIS TWICE!

155
00:05:30,622 --> 00:05:31,623
♪ ROCK THE BOAT!

156
00:05:31,707 --> 00:05:32,708
♪ DON'T ROCK THE BOAT, BABY

157
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:33,876
♪ ROCK THE BOAT!

158
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,002
♪ DON'T TIP
THE BOAT OVER ♪

159
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,086
♪ ROCK THE BOAT!

160
00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:37,671
♪ DON'T ROCK
THE BOAT, BABY ♪

161
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:40,424
♪ ROCK THE BO-O-O-OAT!

162
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:42,134
ROCK ON!

163
00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:44,094
HEY, HEY, GUYS,
CHECK ME OUT.

164
00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:45,345
WHOA!

165
00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:46,722
WHOA!

166
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:47,848
WHOA!

167
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,349
(dog yelping)

168
00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:53,270
(grunting with effort)

169
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,396
WH-WHOA!

170
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:55,480
(screams)

171
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:57,524
OH, NO!

172
00:05:57,608 --> 00:05:58,734
OH, NO!

173
00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:00,194
I'VE BROKEN MY LEGS!

174
00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:03,655
(laughing)

175
00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,574
THAT'S ABOUT AS FUNNY
AS SINBAD.

176
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,910
NOT THE COMEDIAN,
HE'S HILARIOUS-- THE SAILOR.

177
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:10,162
BUT, THEN AGAIN,
HE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE FUNNY.

178
00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:11,246
NOW, COME ON,
I GOT TO GO

179
00:06:11,330 --> 00:06:12,789
TO FREAKIN'
"TOYS FOR TODDLERS."

180
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:16,210
SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'S
GOT A "HUMBUG" UP HIS BUTT.

181
00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:18,212
(laughing)

182
00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:19,671
HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD
SET HIM UP

183
00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:21,006
WITH ANOTHER LEMON
SNOW CONE, EH?

184
00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:22,090
OH, THANKS.

185
00:06:22,174 --> 00:06:23,175
THE LAST ONE YOU GAVE ME

186
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,301
DIDN'T TASTE LIKE LEMON AT ALL.

187
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,511
IT TASTED LIKE...

188
00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:27,387
OH, YOU GUYS ARE ASSES.

189
00:06:27,471 --> 00:06:29,431
(laughing)

190
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:32,935
I KNEW YOU WERE AWAKE.

191
00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,686
(gasps):
YOU.

192
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,109
NOW, STEWIE,
YOU ARE

193
00:06:41,193 --> 00:06:42,194
IN MY POWER.

194
00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:43,278
(screams)

195
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,363
NO, DAMN YOU!

196
00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:45,447
DAMN YOU,
LET ME GO!

197
00:06:45,531 --> 00:06:46,573
(screams)

198
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:49,826
GOOD, MELVIN.

199
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,828
NICE WORK, WOODROW.

200
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,914
EXCELLENT, STEWIE.

201
00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:56,250
(screams)

202
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:58,418
OH, IT'S JUST A DREAM.

203
00:06:58,502 --> 00:06:59,795
I NEEDN'T FEAR THIS SANTA.

204
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,505
IF HE WERE TRULY OMNIPOTENT

205
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:04,216
HE'D HAVE THE TESTICULAR
FORTITUDE TO SHOW HIMSELF!

206
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:06,677
SEE?

207
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,970
I'M JUST BARKING IN THE DARK.

208
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:09,972
NO ONE HERE BUT ME.

209
00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:12,891
(humming nervously)

210
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,142
ALL RIGHT, WHERE IS IT?

211
00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:15,269
WHERE'S THE WIRE?

212
00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:16,353
SHOW YOURSELF, CLAUS!

213
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,729
Lois: STEWIE, GO TO SLEEP.

214
00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:19,606
THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU, LOIS!

215
00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:21,441
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
TO COME IN THERE.

216
00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:23,151
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
TO COME IN THERE!

217
00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:27,197
SHH! DAD'S AWAKE.

218
00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:29,783
DON'T BOTHER WHISPERING,
I DON'T HAVE A HANGOVER.

219
00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,577
IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

220
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,036
SHOULDN'T YOU
HAVE YOUR SWEATER ON?

221
00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:34,955
(groans)

222
00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:37,583
THAT'S FOR LETTING JOE
JOIN IN

223
00:07:37,666 --> 00:07:38,876
YOUR REINDEER GAMES.

224
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,169
NOW, YOU GO RELAX

225
00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:42,087
WHILE I MAKE
MY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ANGEL

226
00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:43,922
A BIG STACK OF PANCAKES.

227
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,258
IF I'M SLEEPING, STUFF THEM
IN MY MOUTH AND RUB MY THROAT.

228
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:48,802
JUST ONE
MORE THING--

229
00:07:48,886 --> 00:07:49,887
LOIS!

230
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:50,971
I NEED YOU
TO TAKE

231
00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:52,181
THE PRESENTS OUT
OF THE TRUNK.

232
00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:54,725
AREN'T YOU GOING
TO DO IT?

233
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:55,809
IT'S ALREADY DONE.

234
00:07:55,893 --> 00:07:56,894
I DROPPED THEM ALL OFF

235
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:57,978
AT "TOYS FOR TODDLERS"
LAST NIGHT.

236
00:07:58,103 --> 00:07:59,104
ALL?

237
00:07:59,188 --> 00:08:00,647
PETER, ONLY ONE GIFT
WAS FOR CHARITY.

238
00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:01,732
THE REST
WERE FOR THE FAMILY.

239
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,650
NO, THE REST WERE
FROM THE FAMILY.

240
00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:06,528
WEREN'T... WEREN'T THEY?

241
00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:08,030
AW, CRAP.

242
00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:09,114
SINCE WHEN DID THEY CHANGE

243
00:08:09,198 --> 00:08:10,741
THE MEANING OF
"FOR" TO "FROM"?

244
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,367
I THINK THEY HAD A MEETING
ABOUT IT LAST NIGHT.

245
00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:13,493
WHY WASN'T I TOLD?

246
00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:14,703
THEY SENT YOU A CARD

247
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,205
BUT IT SAID
"FOR PETER" ON IT

248
00:08:16,288 --> 00:08:17,748
SO YOU MUST'VE THOUGHT
IT WAS "FROM" YOU

249
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,374
SO YOU DIDN'T, UH...

250
00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:21,835
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST EASIER
TO CALL YOU "STUPID."

251
00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:29,176
YOU'RE REALLY GOING
TO TAKE BACK

252
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:30,802
DONATED GIFTS
ON CHRISTMAS EVE?

253
00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:32,721
YEP. NOW, HERE'S THE PLAN--

254
00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:35,307
YOU'LL ENTER THROUGH
THE AIR CONDITIONING DUCT HERE.

255
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,351
NOW, THERE'LL BE
AN INVISIBLE LASER GRID

256
00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:38,894
THREE INCHES
ABOVE THE FLOOR

257
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:40,729
SO YOU'LL HAVE TO COMPRESS
YOUR BODY

258
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:42,981
TO THE SIZE OF AN ORDINARY
HOUSEHOLD SPONGE

259
00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:44,233
AND SLIDE UNDERNEATH

260
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,151
LIKE SOME KIND OF WEIRD,
AMPHIBIOUS DOLPHIN.

261
00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:47,903
CAN I BUY SOME
POT FROM YOU?

262
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,738
WHAT YOU WANT?

263
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:50,822
(both gasping)

264
00:08:50,906 --> 00:08:52,741
SO YOU UNDERSTAND
ALL THESE GIFTS

265
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,743
ARE SUPPOSED TO BE
FOR MY FAMILY.

266
00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:56,245
IT WAS JUST
SOME CRAZY MIX-UP.

267
00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:57,538
(nervous laughter)

268
00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:00,040
KILL 'EM.

269
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,626
NO, NO, NO, IT'S TRUE!

270
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,962
SEE, THAT REMOTE CONTROL CAR
WAS FOR MY SON AND...

271
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,005
AND THOSE BARRETTES
WERE FOR MY DAUGHTER

272
00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:09,049
AND, UH... HEY,
WHERE'S MY VCR?

273
00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:11,844
DANG IT, BUCK, IT'S MY
TURN TO USE THE SEX BOX.

274
00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:13,720
IT'S MY SEX BOX...

275
00:09:13,804 --> 00:09:15,848
AND HER NAME
IS "SONY."

276
00:09:15,931 --> 00:09:16,974
Lois:
YOU GAVE AWAY

277
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,225
ALL THE PRESENTS?

278
00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:19,977
LOIS, IF YOU
STRIKE ME DOWN

279
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,937
I SHALL BECOME
MORE POWERFUL

280
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,856
THAN YOU CAN
POSSIBLY IMAGINE.

281
00:09:23,939 --> 00:09:26,108
PETER, YOU BROUGHT
GLAD TIDINGS TO A FAMILY

282
00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:27,568
LESS FORTUNATE
THAN YOUR OWN.

283
00:09:27,651 --> 00:09:28,944
YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT MAD?

284
00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:30,487
WELL, I AM
A LITTLE IRRITATED

285
00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:32,823
THAT I HAVE TO DO
ALL THE SHOPPING AGAIN

286
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,950
BUT AT LEAST SOME GOOD
CAME OUT OF IT.

287
00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:36,785
SO I CAN DRINK BEER
AND WATCH TV?

288
00:09:36,869 --> 00:09:39,037
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
KISS SAVES SANTA IS ON.

289
00:09:39,121 --> 00:09:41,373
BUT, MRS. CLAUS,
WHO WOULD KIDNAP SANTA?

290
00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:44,585
WELL, ACE, THAT'S WHAT
I WANT YOU BOYS TO FIND OUT.

291
00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:45,919
SOMEONE STOLE SANTA?

292
00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:47,379
THAT DOES NOT ROCK!

293
00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:48,463
EASY, GENE.

294
00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,674
GUYS, LET'S GO
SAVE CHRISTMAS.

295
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:52,259
TO THE KISS COPTER!

296
00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:53,677
- YAY!
- YAY!

297
00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:02,227
YOU CAN WATCH
ALL THE TV YOU WANT...

298
00:10:02,311 --> 00:10:03,604
JUST AS SOON AS WE GET BACK
FROM THE MALL.

299
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:05,439
THE MALL?!
ON CHRISTMAS EVE?!

300
00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:07,399
PETER, I JUST
WANT THIS FAMILY

301
00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:09,151
TO HAVE
A PERFECT CHRISTMAS

302
00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,236
AND I NEED
A LITTLE HELP, OKAY?

303
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:12,946
BRIAN, MY TURKEY'S
IN THE OVEN.

304
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:14,031
CAN YOU TURN IT OFF
AT 3:00?

305
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,324
NO PROBLEM.

306
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:16,909
WE'LL SHOP, COME HOME, EAT

307
00:10:16,992 --> 00:10:18,827
AND THEN IT'S OFF
TO THE PAGEANT

308
00:10:18,911 --> 00:10:21,121
TO SEE OUR LITTLE STEWIE
PLAY BABY JESUS.

309
00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:24,583
OH, YES, YES, BY ALL MEANS
TURN ME INTO A CHILD STAR.

310
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,211
PERHAPS I CAN MOVE
TO "CALI-FORN-EYE-AY"

311
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,338
AND WRANGLE ME A THREE-WAY
WITH THE OLSEN TWINS.

312
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,595
THERE'S A SPOT!

313
00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:38,388
(engine revving)

314
00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:39,932
AW, SCREW THIS.

315
00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:41,016
(tires squealing)

316
00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:50,984
OKAY, PETER, WE'LL EACH TAKE
HALF THE LIST TO SAVE TIME.

317
00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:53,904
KIDS, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE STEWIE TO SEE SANTA?

318
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:56,657
SANTA?

319
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,118
OH, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!

320
00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:02,204
SITTING ALONE
IN THIS PUBLIC SETTING?

321
00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:03,914
NO BULLETPROOF GLASS?

322
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,124
CLAUS, YOU MAKE IT TOO EASY.

323
00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:07,793
CHANGE ME-- I'VE LEAKED
THROUGH MY SKI PANTS

324
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,044
AND I WON'T FACE HIM WET!

325
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:17,553
We now return to Bob Hope's
Christmas with the Troops.

326
00:11:17,636 --> 00:11:19,179
Hey, it's good to see
you Union boys.

327
00:11:19,263 --> 00:11:20,722
I would've been here sooner

328
00:11:20,806 --> 00:11:22,766
but Lincoln gave me
the wrong Gettysburg Address.

329
00:11:24,643 --> 00:11:26,520
And how about this having
to sit still for 60 seconds

330
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:27,688
to have your picture taken?

331
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:28,772
How about that?

332
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,065
(troops laughing)

333
00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:33,527
AW, SWEET!

334
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:34,611
IT'S KISS SAVES SANTA.

335
00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:35,696
Hang on, Santa!

336
00:11:35,779 --> 00:11:36,822
WE'RE COMING.

337
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:37,906
HURRY, BOYS!

338
00:11:37,990 --> 00:11:39,032
THE EGGS ARE HATCHING!

339
00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:40,117
WHAT DO WE DO?

340
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,201
WAIT A SECOND--

341
00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:42,953
EVERYONE KNOWS
PTERODACTYLS

342
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,788
CAN'T STAND THE
SCREECH OF A GUITAR!

343
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,874
(electrified screeching)

344
00:11:49,585 --> 00:11:50,752
IT'S WORKING!

345
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:51,837
HEY, SANTA,
BE CAREFUL!

346
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,130
OH, NO!
CAREFUL, SANTA!

347
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,214
HANG ON, SANTA!

348
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,552
HEY, I WAS WATCHING THAT! HEY!

349
00:11:58,635 --> 00:12:00,095
IT'LL BE ON
NEXT CHRISTMAS.

350
00:12:00,179 --> 00:12:02,097
WELL, WHO THE HELL KNOWS
WHEN THAT'S GOING TO BE?

351
00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:05,809
(bell dings)

352
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:12,441
AH!

353
00:12:14,318 --> 00:12:16,236
IF I WAS AN OVEN MITT...

354
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,696
(smoke alarm beeping)

355
00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:27,623
DAMN IT, PETER!

356
00:12:30,209 --> 00:12:31,418
HO, HO, HO.

357
00:12:31,502 --> 00:12:34,004
AND WHAT CAN I BRING YOU,
THIS YEAR?

358
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,088
OH, A PEACE
OFFERING, IS IT?

359
00:12:35,172 --> 00:12:36,340
VERY WELL.

360
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,884
WHAT SAY YOU TRIM THOSE
GIN-SOAKED WHISKERS

361
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:40,511
AND BRING ME
SOME PLUTONIUM?

362
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,930
WELL, CAN YOU
BE A GOOD BOY?

363
00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:45,015
HMM, YOUR INQUIRY
INTRIGUES ME.

364
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,391
CAN ANY OF US
BE A GOOD BOY?

365
00:12:46,475 --> 00:12:48,310
ARE OUR PRIMAL URGES
INNATE OR THE RESULT

366
00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:49,478
OF THE CHOICES WE MAKE?

367
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:50,896
OKAY, WRAP IT UP, KID.

368
00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:52,272
ALL RIGHT, KRINGLE.

369
00:12:52,356 --> 00:12:53,649
IF THE REWARD
IS PLUTONIUM

370
00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:54,858
THEN YOUR WAGER
IS ACCEPTED.

371
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,318
I WILL BE...

372
00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:57,402
NICE.

373
00:12:57,486 --> 00:12:58,612
GOOD BOY.

374
00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:00,405
NOW, SMILE
FOR THE CAMERA.

375
00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:02,449
YES, YES, SMILE!

376
00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:04,159
LIKE A GOOD BOY.

377
00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:14,044
AH...

378
00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:17,297
AHA!

379
00:13:17,381 --> 00:13:18,507
MEG'S BARRETTES.

380
00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:20,342
YOU MEAN
JULIE'S BARRETTES!

381
00:13:21,385 --> 00:13:23,554
YOU STILL WANT THEM,
YOU BONY OLD BLUE HAIR?

382
00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:24,638
OW, OW!

383
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:25,764
TITTY TWISTER!

384
00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:26,974
OW, HURTS!

385
00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:28,100
HEY!

386
00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:00,132
AHA!

387
00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:02,259
ALL THE CLOWN FISH

388
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,052
AND YELLOW TANGS IN THE WORLD

389
00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:05,137
CAN'T HELP YOU NOW.

390
00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:10,267
THAT'S IT?

391
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:11,560
FISH FOOD?

392
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:13,270
THAT'S YOUR ACE
IN THE HOLE?

393
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,522
(laughs)

394
00:14:15,647 --> 00:14:17,566
OW, OW... OW, OW, OW!

395
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,362
TURKEY!

396
00:14:26,742 --> 00:14:27,743
(glass breaking)

397
00:14:30,204 --> 00:14:31,663
OH, LOIS, IT WAS HORRIBLE.

398
00:14:31,747 --> 00:14:32,998
THE FISH WERE JUMPING

399
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,416
ALL OVER MY EYES
AND IN MY NOSE

400
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,376
AND ON THE WAY OUT,
I THINK ONE OF THEM

401
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:37,961
MUTTERED SOMETHING ANTI-SEMITIC.

402
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:39,296
WE'RE ALMOST HOME, HONEY.

403
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,464
OH, LOOK!

404
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,633
THERE'S THE STAR
ON THE TOWN CHRISTMAS TREE.

405
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:43,967
WE'RE FOLLOWING
IT HOME.

406
00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:45,469
JUST LIKE THE THREE WISE MEN.

407
00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:46,929
SO, WHAT'D YOU
GET HIM?

408
00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:48,013
GOLD.

409
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:49,139
GOLD?

410
00:14:49,223 --> 00:14:50,349
AH, I THOUGHT
WE AGREED ON

411
00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:51,600
A FIVE DOLLAR
LIMIT, HERE.

412
00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:52,684
YEAH,
I JUST GOT HIM

413
00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:53,936
A CRAPPY LITTLE
BOTTLE OF MYRRH.

414
00:14:54,019 --> 00:14:55,562
HELLO!
FRANKINCENSE.

415
00:14:55,646 --> 00:14:56,939
YOU ALWAYS
DO THIS.

416
00:14:57,022 --> 00:14:58,023
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

417
00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,316
LOOK, WE'LL PUT
EVERYTHING TOGETHER

418
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:00,526
AND PUT ALL
OUR NAMES ON IT.

419
00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:01,610
NO!

420
00:15:01,693 --> 00:15:02,694
THAT IS
SO CHEAP.

421
00:15:02,778 --> 00:15:04,238
(all talking at once)

422
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:08,909
(gasps)

423
00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:10,911
(turkey sizzling)

424
00:15:10,994 --> 00:15:11,995
OH, MY GOD.

425
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:13,413
BRIAN, ARE
YOU OKAY?

426
00:15:13,497 --> 00:15:14,831
I TOLD YOU

427
00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,291
WE SHOULD HAVE LEFT
COOKIES FOR SANTA.

428
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:19,461
(screams)

429
00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:22,881
MY COUCH, MY TV!

430
00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:24,049
WHAT THE HELL
DID YOU DO?

431
00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:25,133
ME?

432
00:15:25,217 --> 00:15:27,010
WHO THE HELL
BUYS A NOVELTY FIRE EXTINGUISHER?

433
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:28,554
I'LL TELL YOU WHO.

434
00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:31,181
SOMEONE WHO CARES ENOUGH
ABOUT PHYSICAL COMEDY

435
00:15:31,265 --> 00:15:33,016
TO PUT HIS WHOLE
FAMILY AT SERIOUS RISK.

436
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,685
BOYS, PLEASE!

437
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:36,311
IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.

438
00:15:36,395 --> 00:15:39,523
THIS IS A NIGHT FOR MAGIC
AND WONDER AND JOY.

439
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:42,359
OKAY, SO A COUPLE
OF THINGS HAVE GONE WRONG

440
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,820
BUT WE CAN STILL HAVE
A GREAT CHRISTMAS!

441
00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:46,989
(sighs)

442
00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:48,365
AH, JEEZ, KIDS.

443
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:49,491
I WAS THIS CLOSE
TO LOSING IT

444
00:15:49,575 --> 00:15:50,576
BUT YOUR MOM'S RIGHT.

445
00:15:50,659 --> 00:15:52,452
WELL, SURE I AM.

446
00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:54,580
MEG, HONEY, GET ME
SOME PAPER TOWELS.

447
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:56,248
LET'S LOSE THE
BAD TIDINGS

448
00:15:56,331 --> 00:15:58,792
CLEAN UP THIS MESS
AND FIND THAT HOLIDAY CHEER.

449
00:15:58,876 --> 00:15:59,918
YEAH, ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

450
00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:02,171
WE'RE OUT OF PAPER TOWELS.

451
00:16:02,254 --> 00:16:05,841
NO... PAPER... TOWELS!

452
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:09,011
(screaming)

453
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,014
HEY, I WAS GOING
TO PICK AT THAT.

454
00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:13,765
SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH!

455
00:16:13,849 --> 00:16:16,101
YOU ALL THINK
CHRISTMAS JUST HAPPENS.

456
00:16:16,185 --> 00:16:17,644
YOU THINK ALL THIS GOODWILL

457
00:16:17,728 --> 00:16:19,146
JUST FALLS
FROM THE FREAKIN' SKY!

458
00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:20,355
WELL, IT DOESN'T!

459
00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:22,399
IT FALLS OUT
OF MY HOLLY JOLLY BUTT!

460
00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:25,777
SO YOU CAN COOK
YOUR OWN DAMN TURKEY

461
00:16:25,861 --> 00:16:27,279
WRAP YOUR OWN
DAMN PRESENTS

462
00:16:27,362 --> 00:16:28,530
AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT

463
00:16:28,614 --> 00:16:30,449
YOU CAN ALL RIDE
A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH

464
00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:31,533
TO HELL!

465
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,203
(screaming)

466
00:16:34,286 --> 00:16:37,623
(panting and muttering)

467
00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:41,084
OH, HERE'S THE
PAPER TOWELS.

468
00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:46,173
I-I-I CHANGED MY MIND.

469
00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:47,966
CLARENCE, I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN.

470
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:49,051
I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN.

471
00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:50,135
WHOA!

472
00:16:50,219 --> 00:16:51,261
(splash)

473
00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:56,016
HEY!

474
00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:58,352
I GUESS THERE'S SOME MAGIC
IN THAT OLD SILK HAT.

475
00:16:58,435 --> 00:16:59,478
(Lois growling)

476
00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:00,771
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

477
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:01,855
(socks)

478
00:17:01,939 --> 00:17:02,940
EASY, LADY!

479
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:04,107
YOU WANT SOME
OF THIS?

480
00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:05,192
(laughs and pants)

481
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:07,277
AH!

482
00:17:07,361 --> 00:17:08,529
WHAT THE HELL
IS HER PROBLEM?

483
00:17:08,612 --> 00:17:09,905
FROSTY,
LET IT GO!

484
00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:11,323
JUST A SECOND, JUST A SECOND.

485
00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:12,950
HEY, LADY, YOU GOT
SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?

486
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,159
YEAH, ALL HE DID

487
00:17:14,243 --> 00:17:15,285
WAS WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

488
00:17:15,369 --> 00:17:16,537
WISH?

489
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:17,996
IT'S EASY TO WISH

490
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,456
BUT DOES ANYONE
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

491
00:17:19,540 --> 00:17:20,791
AND MAKE IT HAPPEN?

492
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:22,251
NO!

493
00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:24,044
YOU ALL EXPECT
SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT FOR YOU.

494
00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:25,754
LIKE SANTY CLAUS

495
00:17:25,838 --> 00:17:26,839
OR MOMMY!

496
00:17:26,922 --> 00:17:28,090
AH, AH, AH!

497
00:17:33,345 --> 00:17:34,429
AH, TAKE IT OFF!

498
00:17:34,513 --> 00:17:35,514
TAKE IT OFF!

499
00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:42,062
MUST... KILL... STAR.

500
00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:43,981
DAD, WHAT HAPPENED TO MOM?

501
00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:46,233
WHAT IF SHE NEVER COMES BACK?

502
00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:47,985
I-I-I THINK THE
BIGGER QUESTION

503
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,736
IS IF THIS IS THE
WAY SHE'S GOING TO ACT AT CHRISTMAS

504
00:17:49,820 --> 00:17:50,863
DO WE EVEN
WANT HER BACK?

505
00:17:50,946 --> 00:17:52,155
ALL RIGHT,
WHICH IS BETTER?

506
00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:53,824
AROUND THE WAIST
OR OFF THE SHOULDER?

507
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:54,992
WAIST? SHOULDER?

508
00:17:55,117 --> 00:17:56,118
WAIST? SHOULDER?

509
00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:57,202
STEWIE, I THOUGHT

510
00:17:57,286 --> 00:17:58,662
YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO BE IN THE PAGEANT.

511
00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,038
OH, MEGAN!

512
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:01,999
SANTA WOULD THINK IT
TERRIBLY NAUGHTY OF ME

513
00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:03,959
NOT TO FULFILL MY OBLIGATION
TO MOTHER.

514
00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:06,044
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
THE PAGEANT MEANS TO HER.

515
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:07,546
WHERE DO YOU THINK SHE IS?

516
00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:08,881
WELL, THANK GOD

517
00:18:08,964 --> 00:18:11,008
YEARS AGO I PLANTED
A HOMING DEVICE

518
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:13,260
IN YOUR MOTHER'S SKULL
FOR JUST SUCH AN OCCASION.

519
00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:14,720
(computer beeping)

520
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:16,763
I FORGOT, I ALSO
PUT THEM IN A BUNCH OF SQUIRRELS.

521
00:18:16,847 --> 00:18:18,390
THIS ISN'T GOING
TO DO US ANY GOOD.

522
00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,058
MAY AS WELL
SEE IF SHE'S AT THE PAGEANT.

523
00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:21,143
YOU...

524
00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:23,604
YOU LIED TO ME.

525
00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:24,688
OH, MY GOD!

526
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,315
THERE'S MOM!

527
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:27,399
HI, LOIS!

528
00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:28,567
HEY, DO WE LOOK
LIKE ANTS DOWN HERE?

529
00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:29,693
BITE ME!

530
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:30,777
(glass breaking)

531
00:18:30,861 --> 00:18:32,070
PETER, GREAT
TIME LAST NIGHT.

532
00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:33,155
DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL GET LOIS DOWN.

533
00:18:33,238 --> 00:18:34,239
LOCKED AND
LOADED, SIR.

534
00:18:34,323 --> 00:18:35,365
WAIT!

535
00:18:35,449 --> 00:18:36,450
YOU CAN'T SHOOT MY MOM.

536
00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:37,534
DON'T WORRY, KID.

537
00:18:37,618 --> 00:18:38,952
IT'S JUST A
MILD SEDATIVE.

538
00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:40,037
GO!

539
00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:41,663
JOE, HANG ON.

540
00:18:41,914 --> 00:18:43,415
LOOK, LOIS IS
ONLY UP THERE

541
00:18:43,498 --> 00:18:44,958
BECAUSE WE SUCKED
THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

542
00:18:45,042 --> 00:18:46,043
RIGHT OUT OF HER.

543
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:47,377
MAYBE IF SHE SEES
THE PAGEANT

544
00:18:47,461 --> 00:18:48,462
IT'LL BRING HER AROUND.

545
00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:49,546
GIVE HER A CHANCE, HUH?

546
00:18:49,671 --> 00:18:50,672
TRUST HIM, JOE.

547
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:51,798
THIS MAN HAS SEEN

548
00:18:51,882 --> 00:18:53,008
EVERY CHRISTMAS
SPECIAL EVER MADE.

549
00:18:53,091 --> 00:18:54,468
ARE YOU WEARING
A GIRL'S SWEATER?

550
00:18:54,551 --> 00:18:55,928
DOES THAT REALLY
MATTER RIGHT NOW?

551
00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:57,012
YOU GOT TEN MINUTES.

552
00:18:58,263 --> 00:18:59,264
LIGHTS, PLEASE.

553
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:02,809
AS WE ALL KNOW

554
00:19:02,893 --> 00:19:05,020
CHRISTMAS IS THAT MYSTICAL
TIME OF YEAR

555
00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:07,773
WHEN THE GHOST OF JESUS
RISES FROM THE GRAVE

556
00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:10,067
TO FEED ON THE FLESH
OF THE LIVING.

557
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:13,612
SO, WE ALL SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS
TO LULL HIM BACK TO SLEEP.

558
00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:14,863
OUTRAGEOUS!

559
00:19:14,947 --> 00:19:16,281
HOW DARE HE SAY SUCH BLASPHEMY!

560
00:19:16,365 --> 00:19:17,616
I'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

561
00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:18,992
BOB, THERE'S
NOTHING YOU CAN DO.

562
00:19:19,076 --> 00:19:20,202
(sighs)

563
00:19:20,285 --> 00:19:22,079
WELL, I... GUESS
I'LL JUST HAVE TO

564
00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:23,747
DEVELOP A SENSE OF HUMOR.

565
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:27,125
I AM THE VIRGIN MARY.

566
00:19:27,292 --> 00:19:30,087
THAT'S MY STORY
AND I'M STICKING TO IT.

567
00:19:30,254 --> 00:19:33,298
OH, OUR SAVIOR HAS ARRIVED.

568
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:35,801
GOOD EVENING.

569
00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:37,928
I'M PLAYING THE ROLE
OF JESUS

570
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:39,721
A MAN ONCE PORTRAYED
ON THE BIG SCREEN

571
00:19:39,805 --> 00:19:41,014
BY JEFFREY HUNTER.

572
00:19:41,098 --> 00:19:42,891
YOU MAY REMEMBER HIM
AS THE ACTOR

573
00:19:42,975 --> 00:19:44,434
WHO WAS REPLACED
BY WILLIAM SHATNER

574
00:19:44,518 --> 00:19:45,561
ON STAR TREK.

575
00:19:45,644 --> 00:19:46,979
APPARENTLY, MR. HUNTER

576
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:48,438
WAS GOOD ENOUGH TO DIE
FOR OUR SINS

577
00:19:48,522 --> 00:19:51,191
BUT NOT QUITE UP TO THE TASK
OF SEDUCING GREEN WOMEN.

578
00:19:53,277 --> 00:19:54,695
ANYHOO...

579
00:19:54,778 --> 00:19:56,154
THE PERENNIAL DICTUM IS

580
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:58,574
TO SPREAD GOODWILL
TOWARDS ALL MEN.

581
00:19:58,657 --> 00:19:59,908
THE IRONY, OF COURSE

582
00:19:59,992 --> 00:20:01,493
IS THAT THIS IS CONTRARY
TO OUR NATURE.

583
00:20:01,577 --> 00:20:03,078
SO, WHY DO WE DO IT?

584
00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:05,455
BECAUSE WE ARE BEING WATCHED.

585
00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:09,710
AND SO...

586
00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:11,628
WE UNSELFISHLY THINK OF OTHERS

587
00:20:11,712 --> 00:20:14,464
ASSURED THAT OUR GOOD BEHAVIOR
WILL BE REWARDED

588
00:20:14,548 --> 00:20:17,050
WITH LOVE... AND PLUTONIUM.

589
00:20:19,595 --> 00:20:21,096
YEAH, SHE'S NOT GETTING IT.

590
00:20:21,180 --> 00:20:22,222
OKAY, BOYS, TAKE HER DOWN.

591
00:20:31,023 --> 00:20:32,149
MERRY CHRISTMAS, BUDDY.

592
00:20:32,316 --> 00:20:34,693
HUH, WONDER WHAT THIS COULD BE.

593
00:20:34,776 --> 00:20:35,819
OH.

594
00:20:35,903 --> 00:20:38,989
THIS CHRISTMAS ROCKS!

595
00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:40,657
MOM, STEWIE'S
OPENING HIS GIFTS.

596
00:20:40,741 --> 00:20:41,909
MOM?

597
00:20:41,992 --> 00:20:43,243
AH, IT'S OKAY, MEG.

598
00:20:43,327 --> 00:20:45,120
YOUR MOM'S JUST FULL
OF CHRISTMAS CHEER

599
00:20:45,204 --> 00:20:47,372
AND ENOUGH TRANQUILIZER
TO BRING DOWN A BULL ELEPHANT.

600
00:20:47,456 --> 00:20:49,625
UH, HONEY,
YOU GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING

601
00:20:49,708 --> 00:20:51,043
YOU GOT A LITTLE...

602
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:52,127
UH... I'LL GET IT.

603
00:20:52,211 --> 00:20:55,339
HUNGRY, HUNGRY HIPPOS?!

604
00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:58,300
KLAUS,
YOU PORCINE DOUBLE-CROSSER.

605
00:20:58,383 --> 00:21:00,260
AND TO THINK, I WAS NICE!

606
00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:01,762
YOU GOT ANOTHER ONE, DUDE.

607
00:21:03,138 --> 00:21:04,139
(gasps)

608
00:21:04,223 --> 00:21:05,474
PLUTONIUM!

609
00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:07,142
H-HE IS REAL.

610
00:21:07,226 --> 00:21:09,311
HE'S REALLY, REALLY REAL!

611
00:21:09,478 --> 00:21:10,646
SO, PETER
DID YOU GET EVERYTHING

612
00:21:10,729 --> 00:21:11,772
YOU WANTED
FOR CHRISTMAS?

613
00:21:11,897 --> 00:21:14,149
YOU BET!
A WEEK'S VACATION, A NEW VCR

614
00:21:14,233 --> 00:21:17,486
AND BEST OF ALL,
MY OWN COPY OF KISS SAVES SANTA.

615
00:21:19,780 --> 00:21:21,949
YOU JUST PRACTICE
THAT GUITAR, SANTA.

616
00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,493
NEXT TIME, WE'LL
LET YOU DO A SOLO.

617
00:21:24,576 --> 00:21:26,411
DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!

618
00:21:26,787 --> 00:21:28,497
(all laughing)

619
00:21:33,961 --> 00:21:35,420
FROM ALL OF US AT FAMILY GUY

620
00:21:35,504 --> 00:21:37,381
WE WISH YOU
CHRISTMAS JOY

621
00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:39,299
MAY ALL YOUR WISHES
NOW COME TRUE

622
00:21:39,383 --> 00:21:41,009
FOR EVERY GIRL AND BOY

623
00:21:41,093 --> 00:21:42,636
WE HOPE YOUR FREAKIN' HOLIDAYS

624
00:21:42,719 --> 00:21:44,429
ARE FILLED WITH FUN AND CHEER

625
00:21:44,513 --> 00:21:46,765
SO HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND...

626
00:21:46,849 --> 00:21:49,059
(mumbling)