♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪
♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪
♪♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪♪
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪♪
♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪
♪♪ He's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪
Alan Adler, David Preshlack, Julie Axelrod
Shep Sutton, Scott McCormick.
And that concludes the list of people who were mean to me
in junior high.
Tomorrow, high school.
Finally, we go to Asian Reporter Tricia Takanawa
for 60 seconds of filler.
Thanks, Tom.
I'm here on Spooner Street
where several Quahog families
are holding a car wash
to raise money
for an organ transplant for young Paul Lewis.
So, what do you call this device, Paul?
It's an iron lung. It keeps me from dying.
I want to play baseball!
And with me is one of Paul's classmates, Chris Griffin
who helped organize this charity event.
You're a very thoughtful young man, Chris.
C-can I say hello to my mom?
Sure.
Hi, Mom!
Hi, sweetheart.
Okay, so you want the full wash, and, uh...
oh, you got a nick there.
I can probably get that out for you.
Now, if you want to go with a scent
I've got "PB and J," "Sugar Cereal," and "New Toy."
What the deuce?
Hey, somebody dropped their money clip.
Wow, $26.
I've never seen so much money at one time!
What do you think we should do with it?
I say we buy $26 worth of ice cream and just pig out.
Oh, we can dish, talk about who's getting fat--
oh, we'll just be great big bitches.
Hold on, kids, that's not your money yet.
The law says you got to put up signs and wait two weeks
for someone to claim it.
If no one does, it's yours.
Ah, lunch is here.
Everyone, we've reached our goal.
It looks like somebody's going to live to see puberty.
Oh, my God, that man just took our money!
What man?
He-he was a wearing a Jimmy Carter mask
like that robber in the Keanu Reeves movie.
The Matrix.
No, no, no. It wasn't that recent.
The one where they're jumping out of the plane.
Executive Decision?
No, that was with Kurt Russell.
But-but the other guy in this movie
he kind of looks like Kurt Russell.
He's getting away!
Don't worry. He won't get far.
( sirens blare )
Stop! Police!
( panting )
( gasping )
Joe, what happened?
I got the money...
( cheering )
but I lost the perp.
Well, the money's the important thing.
Now little Paul can get his...
Point Break! That was the movie!
Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver
and, barring a massive infection
a new lease on life.
Don't you understand?
I lost the perp.
I lost the perp!
( sobbing )
( continues sobbing )
MEG: So, um, the $26
would probably be safe in my room.
( scoffing ): Right-- it'd probably get lost
among the pinups of Justin Timberlake
and Tom Cruise and... oh, blast
who the devil do the teenagers like?
Um, Morgan Freeman.
Well, we can't keep it in my room
'cause there's an evil monkey
that lives in my closet.
You know, the sad part is, he wasn't always evil.
Honey, good news!
I made partner!
( screeching )
( all screeching )
Peter, Bonnie says Joe's been really depressed
about that robbery.
Why don't you go talk to him?
Well, I don't know. There's a game on.
Shame on you.
You march right over there and cheer your old friend up.
Don't listen to that sissy.
Grab a beer and watch the game.
Yeah, that sounds good.
( gunshot )
Oh, my God!
Now, get your fat ass over to Joe's.
Look, buddy, I-I... Move!
All right, all right, just take it easy, man.
Everything's cool.
Hey, buddy.
Close the door.
I don't want to see the light.
Oh, come on, Joe, cheer up, huh?
Hey, hey, what do you say you and me go rollerska...
Bike rid...
Jump ro...
Go lay on the grass?
Peter, the other day was the first time
I've ever lost a perp.
It was also the first time I've ever really felt handicapped.
I've made up my mind about this.
I'm quitting the force.
Oh, come on, Joe, you don't have to quit the force.
You could get a desk job. Eh? You-you could be a desk.
Forget it. I'm washed up.
In local news, Quahog will soon play proud host
to the Special People's Games.
If you and-or a friend are disabled
and would like to challenge yourself
and raise your self-esteem, sign up today.
Joe, that's it.
You got to compete in the Special People's Games.
Gosh, I-I don't know, Peter.
You really think I can?
Hey, I'm the guy that believed you could be a desk, eh?
Come on, I'll even be your coach.
Well, all right. Let's do it!
Coming up in this half hour, our undercover exposé
on conveniently placed news reports in television shows.
But first-- Peter, look out for that skateboard.
( screaming )
Had a bit of a row with a fellow in the steam room.
You don't say?
Gave him a cauliflower ear.
Bully!
Come on, come on. Come on, two more!
Peter, you're pushing me too hard.
Oh, trust me, Joe. I know physical fitness.
I was in Richard Simmons' Sweating to Books on Tape.
SOMBER VOICE: The Red Sox were in town, but I didn't care
because it was Tuesday
and I was on my way to see Maury.
He couldn't go to the bathroom by himself anymore
but his indomitable spirit...
So, how's he checked out, Doc?
Is my boy ready to compete?
Um, I don't quite know how to tell you this, Mr. Swanson.
You're paralyzed from the waist down.
I know.
Oh, thank God!
( laughing )
Oh, God, I was standing out there
( laughing ): for, like, ten minutes. I... I...
Whew!
Boy, is that a load off!
Hey, Mort, Joe here is going to be competing
in the Special People's Games.
You got anything
that might give him a little extra juice?
You mean steroids?
But, Peter, haven't you seen what happens
to those ladies on ESPN2?
They get big hair faces
and their breasts become like flapjacks!
I-I was thinking more like a protein shake.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Aisle three, next to the creams.
Ooh, I don't like saying that word.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Touched by an Angel.
Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?
Here?
Oh, come on, who you going to believe?
I got a freakin' halo!
Shh, shh...
Bye, I'm going to the mall.
What are you going to the mall for?
Don't worry. The $26 is safe.
Safe, huh?
The skirt's trying to pull a fast one.
Knuckles, get the handbag.
Right, boss!
Hey, give me my purse, you psycho!
Let's see... makeup, chewing gum, a picture of Meg
in a two-piece swimsuit...
Oh! God, I pray this is not my first memory.
Look, everybody, cool it.
I'm not putting up with this racket for two weeks.
I'll hold on to the money.
I'm a neutral party, so it'll be safe.
Okay. All right.
I suppose we can trust you.
Now, where is it?
What the... ?
Oh, very clever.
Take another reach, you forgot your change.
Hello, and welcome to the Quahog Special People's Games.
I'm Tom Tucker.
And I'm Diane Simmons.
It's a great day to be alive, Tom, able-bodied or not.
It sure is, Diane.
Today we'll see some of Quahog's finest athletes
struggle valiantly against God's twisted designs.
You'll cheer, you'll cry
you might even get a cheap laugh or two.
I know I will, Tom.
In fact, there's the distinct possibility
that by the end of the day, we'll all be going to hell.
I'll see you there, Diane.
Oh, it sounds like the opening ceremonies have begun.
There are the paraplegics...
Followed by the blind team...
Still no sign of the deaf team, I noticed...
( knocking )
( phone ringing )
( alarm buzzing )
MAN: Hey, you guys aregoing to be late!
MAN 2: Maybe they're not in there.
DIANE: And now, we turn our attention
to the lighting of the flame.
TOM: And these games are under way!
We begin with the 100-meter dash
for people afraid of yellow tape.
( cheering )
DIANE: It's anybody's race now, Tom.
( screaming )
And it's Odai Mutumbo of Kenya.
Decathlon... I don't know.
That's quite a mountain to climb, Peter.
Joe, look at me. Look at me.
Do I have food in my teeth?
No.
Oh, great. Thank God.
Now-now listen here, Joe.
You and I both know you have what it takes
to win this thing.
So get out there and do it, huh?
( computer voice ): The gold medal is mine, pretty boy.
You don't have a chance in hell.
He may be right, Peter.
Joe, he's an android.
Don't let him push you around.
You can do this. I know you can.
Yeah. Yeah!
Hey, you think you're so hot, fellow?
Well, at least I can do this.
( singing scales )
( singing one note repeatedly )
Oh, crap.
Let's do it!
TOM: Let's go to the first
decathlon event of the day:
the pole vault, where Joe Swanson takes
his starting position.
( cheering and applause )
Way to go, Joe!
Yeah!
How do you like that, buddy?
The sphincter says what?
What?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
You stupid bastard.
Oh, good to see your new fiscal responsibilities
haven't interfered with your reading.
Ah, Dostoyevsky. The mad Russian.
Good stuff. Good stuff.
You're not going to get the $26
and you're despicable for trying.
What? Oh-oh, you thought...
I wasn't trying to get the $26.
I thought we were just having
a perfectly innocent conversation
about literature.
Oh, you're silly. You're silly.
I love that you go there. You're silly.
Good-bye.
We'll take you to bulimic pie eating in just a moment.
But first, decathlon front-runner Joe Swanson
will attempt the long jump.
Come on, Joe, break a wheel.
I'm ready. Let's get it on.
Ooh, a short jump.
That's going to knock him out of the lead.
-Tough break. -Tough break it is, Tom.
Good contribution, Diane.
If Swanson expects to take the gold
he's going to have to come in first
in the final event, the 100-meter dash.
That's okay, Joe. You can still win this thing.
That was pathetic.
Tell your wife to come over to my place
if she wants a little boom-shaka-lacka-lacka-lacka
boom-shaka-lacka- lacka-lacka-boom.
Peter, it's over.
Over? What are you talking about?
Well, if I couldn't catch a two-bit criminal
how am I supposed to win a race?
Hey, hey, hey, what kind of talk is that? It's un-American.
( "America, the Beautiful" plays )
Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote?
No.
Did he quit after losing millions of dollars
of his father's friends' money
in failed oil companies?
No.
Did he quit after knocking that girl up?
No.
Did he quit after he got that DUI?
No.
Did he quit after getting arrested for drunk
and disorderly conduct at a football game?
No. Did he quit...?
I get the message, Peter.
( soft pop song plays )
♪♪ And I'll carry it with me, like my daddy did ♪♪
♪♪ If you're going my way ♪♪
♪♪ I'll go with you ♪♪
♪♪ La-di-di-da ♪♪
♪♪ Moving me down the highway... ♪♪
Gee, Peter, this water tastes kind of funny.
Uh, you mean, like, ha-ha, Jerry Seinfeld funny
or Elaine Boosler, God bless her, she's trying funny?
Racers, on your mark.
Go get 'em, Joe.
Get set.
( panting )
Yeah.
Joe Swanson wins the gold medal.
You did it, Joe.
We did it, Peter.
Mommy, look at the ladybu... ( screaming )
( gasping )
-Hey, Greased Lightening. -Do I know you?
Jim Kaplan, sports agent. Do you like this car?
-Yeah. -It's yours.
-Do you like my pants? -Uh, sure.
They're yours. You know what a merkin is?
No.
Pubic wig, I've got one. You want it?
-No. -Of course, you don't.
You're a classy guy. You want to be rich?
-Yes. -Sign here.
What the hell?
I just, I don't understand how he could do that without me.
We were going to do everything together.
It was one cereal ad, Peter.
Besides, he's the one who won the medal.
Yeah, I guess.
ANNOUNCER: Coming to ABC
the simple story of a man and his chair.
What the hell is this?
Starring Tony Danza as Joe Swanson.
Once a man at his physical peak
brought down by a cruel twist of fate.
Why?
With Valerie Bertinelli as Bonnie.
Joe, you've got to accept your limitations.
Why don't you just ask me to lay down and die?
I can't live like this anymore.
That's it.
That's not how it happened. It was my idea.
With Bea Arthur as Peter Griffin.
You'll never make it, Joe.
Why don't you just give up right now?
No, I've got to try...
even if it's by myself.
You're a fool, Joe, a fool.
Rolling Courage: The Joe Swanson Story.
Friday on ABC, followed by Dharma and Greg...
( whispers ): ...but you don't have to watch that.
I don't believe this. Joe wouldn't be famous
if it hadn't been for me.
How come he's getting all the glory?
He's handicapped. That's what makes
his story so inspirational.
Handicapped...
Hmm...
Ah, how did these get up here?
What the hell is this, Brian?
It's my new passport. What are you doing going through my mail?
You weren't planning on going somewhere
with our $26, were you?
Oh, for God's sake, I just had the damn thing renewed.
What's the matter with you?
Look here, you're obviously
taking us for saps, but we're not.
Now fess up, or I'll do to you what I did to John Lennon.
John, have you met Yoko? Yoko, John.
You want your money, fine.
I hope you all kill each other.
All right, I know how to settle this.
Whoever wants the money... raise your hand.
Oh, you're smarter than I thought.
Give yourselves a round of applause.
Damn!
Yeah, honey, I'm going to be a little late tonight.
I've got a hooker coming over.
Well, I know it's late notice.
But what about the pool guy? He likes you.
Mr. Tucker, Mr. Griffin's here to see you.
I got to go.
Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped
like Joe Swanson, and I demand
commercial endorsements and a TV movie
based on me starring Valerie Bert-and-Ernie.
But Mr. Griffin...
I even got the first piece you're going to run:
exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.
Oh, no, a car going too fast to stop in time.
( screaming )
( wailing ): I'm handicapped now.
Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this.
That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.
Oh, come on.
And when I freeze-frame...
that's you driving the car.
-Well there's your hook. -Get out.
Today we're here to honor Joe Swanson
for pulling my poor one-eyed cat, Bootsie
out of the old stovepipe of my grandmother's cabin.
Joe Swanson won the Special People's Decathlon
and we're here to honor him.
( cheering )
Backstabber.
Oh, Peter, I'm sure Joe's going to acknowledge you, you'll see.
Just don't forget our deal, Lois.
I sit through this, and later tonight, I get anal.
You hear me?
No matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it.
Thank you, thank you.
You know, no one could win a gold medal by himself.
It takes friends, and I want to acknowledge
a special friend in the audience today.
My friend, Peter.
Peter Yarrow, of Peter, Paul and Mary.
Let's give him a hand, folks.
But that's nothing compared to what this next man did.
He challenged me to go that extra mile.
And that man is Mr. Griffin.
Comedian Eddie Griffin, get up here.
Your acerbic, anti-white humor was a constant inspiration.
Thank you, sir.
And last, but not least, who could forget the fat guy?
Chef Paul Prudhomme, you get your Cajun ass up here.
Wow, I didn't even do anything.
That's it. Excuse me, but there's someone else
he didn't thank:
Mr. Steroid. That's how he won.
That's not true.
Yes, it is. I put steroids
in your water bottle right before the last race.
( booing )
I'm sorry, everybody. I've let you all down.
Yes.
You suck. I rule.
Who da man?
All right, if anyone tries to lift the glass
the bell will ring.
Well, then, let's all go to bed.
Off we go, then.
( grunts and groans )
( doorbell rings )
Did you find the place okay?
No problem.
Hey, kids?
( yawning ): I only had soup. I don't see why
we should split the bill evenly.
Wake up. This is Mr. Taylor.
He's here to claim the money clip.
Oh.
Ugh!
Peter, you should go talk the him.
After all, you set out to make him feel better
and now he's worse than ever.
Yeah, I don't know, Lois.
He's probably over there waiting
to be interviewed by Dan Rather
or that dreadful Gene Shalit.
Oh, I think those days are over now, Peter.
Uh, hey, there.
Uh... hi, Peter.
Listen, Joe, about this whole mess...
Hold it, Peter.
That's the car wash thief.
Ha, ha, tough luck, wheelie.
Yeah, for you.
I'm Joe, your waiter.
Today's special is justice, served cold with a side of jail.
And order the soufflé now, 'cause it takes ten to 15 years.
Hey, Peter, I really appreciate what you did for me.
What do you mean?
Well, that slimy agent had me believing the hype.
And I forgot it was really you
who got me to believe in myself again.
Oh, and by the way, I'm going back to the force.
Good for you.
Say, what happened to the car wash thief?
Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.
Well, looks like you've got more competition
at next year's games, huh?
Nope, he's dead.