1 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:04,505 Okay, I got the whole day planned. 2 00:00:04,588 --> 00:00:06,215 First, we see the primates. 3 00:00:06,298 --> 00:00:08,175 Then, the butterfly house, then a bathroom break, then... 4 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:10,761 Oh, come on, Lois. Can't we all just run around 5 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,012 in a disorganized fashion? 6 00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:13,388 -Yeah. -Let me go, Lois. 7 00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:14,848 Monkeys throw their poo. 8 00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:17,726 No. If we don't adhere to a strict schedule we won't see everything. 9 00:00:17,809 --> 00:00:20,020 Kids, gas masks. 10 00:00:20,103 --> 00:00:21,730 Run! 11 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:28,195 There you are. 12 00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:31,114 Oh, don't be such a pig, Mr. Pig. 13 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:34,576 Oh, now where's Mr. Sheep? Is he being Baaah-shful? 14 00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:36,870 ( laughing ) 15 00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:38,997 Oh, that's right. You're all ripe for parody. 16 00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:40,123 Can we go now? 17 00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:42,084 Shut up! I'm having fun. 18 00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:45,379 My, someone's awfully rude. 19 00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:46,922 Oh! My fanny is not on the menu! 20 00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:48,006 Wh... what... 21 00:00:48,090 --> 00:00:49,091 What the... I... 22 00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,217 Ah! 23 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:51,510 Ah! Oh, God! Oh, God! 24 00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:53,178 ( screaming ) 25 00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:58,892 Here, little fella. Come get the food. 26 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:03,272 I have always wanted to do this. 27 00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:05,148 Oh, here are the marsupials. 28 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,400 ( gasping ) 29 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,943 Peter, what the hell are you doing? 30 00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:09,486 Look at me, Lois, I'm Roo. 31 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:10,654 ( giggling ) 32 00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,322 Come on, Ma, let's go watch Pooh 33 00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,157 trick the bees out of their honey 34 00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:16,785 by pretending he's a rain cloud. 35 00:01:16,869 --> 00:01:22,583 I am going to kick... your... ass. 36 00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:26,253 ♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪ 37 00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:29,882 ♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪ 38 00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:33,260 ♪♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪♪ 39 00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:36,013 ♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪ 40 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:39,558 ♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪ 41 00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:43,103 ♪♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪♪ 42 00:01:43,187 --> 00:01:44,605 ♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪ 43 00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:46,648 ♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪ 44 00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:51,695 ♪♪ He's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪ 45 00:01:57,034 --> 00:02:00,120 ( barking ) 46 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:07,628 How's it going? 47 00:02:07,711 --> 00:02:09,046 Great, beautiful day. 48 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,255 Oh, gorgeous. 49 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:13,425 You know, we sit here and force small talk 50 00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:15,010 while they have the time of their lives. 51 00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:16,887 Yeah, yeah. 52 00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:23,060 ( whistling ) 53 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,478 Here, girl. 54 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,357 ( sniffs ) 55 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:29,900 ( shudders ) 56 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:36,740 Sorry, uh, I... I thought I smelled... cookies. 57 00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:38,992 Wow, does it really smell like cooki... 58 00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:41,537 Oh, God, she farted, and it went down my throat. 59 00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:44,748 Full house. 60 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,708 Dagnab, that's some poker face 61 00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:48,293 you've got, Peter. 62 00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:49,962 Years of practice, boys. 63 00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:51,630 Peter, you're on a roll. 64 00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:54,007 We ought to get you down to Atlantic City this weekend. 65 00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:55,884 Uh, sorry, guys, Lois is making me visit 66 00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:57,135 the in-laws this weekend. 67 00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,054 I don't know why she even bothers. 68 00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,181 Me and Lois' old man have never gotten along. 69 00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:04,309 Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt. 70 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,311 You should find some common ground 71 00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:08,063 with your father-in-law, Peter. 72 00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,898 Figure out what he likes, and study up on it. 73 00:03:09,982 --> 00:03:11,900 Hey, that's a great idea. 74 00:03:11,984 --> 00:03:13,819 I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. 75 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:15,195 In fact, I'm going to start right now. 76 00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:16,280 Cratchit! 77 00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:17,364 You're working through Christmas! 78 00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:19,283 But, sir, what of Tiny Tim? 79 00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,576 Bah! 80 00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:21,952 He and his ukulele shall go wanting. 81 00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:26,665 Huh, The New Yorker. 82 00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:28,959 I bet Lois' dad reads this. 83 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:33,005 "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic." 84 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,767 ( laughing ): Oh, I get it. 85 00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:47,561 Yeah, that's kind of funny. 86 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:48,979 Yeah, can I have a copy of Juggs? 87 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:54,818 In French, when you want to say "yes," you say "oui, oui." 88 00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,820 You got to be kidding me. 89 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,907 Oh, my God! That is hysterical. 90 00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:02,034 ( laughing ): Oh, man. 91 00:04:02,117 --> 00:04:04,244 What do you say for "no"? "Doo-doo?" 92 00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:05,746 ( laughing ) 93 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,706 Hey, I'll be right back. I got to go take a wicked "yes." 94 00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,926 ALL: Oh. 95 00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,469 It's a person. 96 00:04:22,221 --> 00:04:24,598 Peter, would you please fix the bathroom faucet? 97 00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:25,933 I fixed it already. 98 00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,184 No, you didn't, it's still dripping. 99 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,769 No way. 100 00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:30,521 I will give you all my Star Wars guys if it is. 101 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,189 W-wait-- except Boba Fett. 102 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,816 No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett-man. 103 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,654 Oh, my God. 104 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:43,325 Was... was he just mastur... 105 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,494 -Yes. -Oh, my. 106 00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:48,121 Do we... do we rub his nose in it? 107 00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:54,419 Oh, uh, hi, Brian. 108 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:56,922 Uh, listen, Lois, uh, a-about yesterday... 109 00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:59,550 Oh, Brian, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. 110 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:00,801 It's perfectly normal. 111 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,344 No, I-I know, it's just... 112 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:03,637 You know, I should be able 113 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,305 to control my baser instincts, but... 114 00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:07,891 Lately, I've just been having these... urges. 115 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,101 Brian, why don't you 116 00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:10,811 come up to my parents' house with us? 117 00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,396 The fresh air will help you relax. 118 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:15,023 Mm, I know where I go when I want to relax. 119 00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:16,608 ( loud techno music plays ) 120 00:05:16,692 --> 00:05:17,693 I know the guy 121 00:05:17,776 --> 00:05:19,111 that owns this place! 122 00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,195 What?! 123 00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:22,239 I said, I know the guy...! 124 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,950 Oh, I'll tell you later, I love this song! 125 00:05:29,872 --> 00:05:32,207 Thanks, but I think a quiet weekend here by myself 126 00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:33,584 is just the thing I need. 127 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:36,211 Well, have a good time. 128 00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:37,880 All right. 129 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:40,465 I'm just going to relax, mellow out, and watch some television. 130 00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:42,551 ANNOUNCER: We now return to World's Sluttiest Dogs 131 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:45,387 on Fox. 132 00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:47,931 Hey, wait up! 133 00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:50,142 ( Peter laughing ) 134 00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:51,602 Right into the bumper! 135 00:05:57,816 --> 00:05:59,568 Hi, Mom. 136 00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:01,653 Oh, look at you all. 137 00:06:01,737 --> 00:06:03,906 Oh, I know someone who's getting a gift certificate 138 00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:05,866 for liposuction in her stocking. 139 00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:07,034 Thank you, Nana. 140 00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:08,118 Hello, everyone. 141 00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:09,203 Hi, Daddy. 142 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:11,121 Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt. 143 00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:12,539 Did Peter have a stroke? 144 00:06:12,623 --> 00:06:14,708 No, Daddy, Peter's cultured himself-- 145 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,585 like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. 146 00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:19,463 Oh, so I should treat him like a high-class whore? 147 00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:24,134 That's fine, just no kissing on the lips. 148 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,970 Would you like a piece of candy? 149 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,972 I smell death on you. 150 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,976 Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt. 151 00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:34,937 Permission to come aboard? 152 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,063 -No. -Thanks! 153 00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:38,565 Hey, quite a schooner you got here. 154 00:06:38,649 --> 00:06:40,817 What is she, like, a 45-footer? 155 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,611 Peter, I didn't know you were a sailor. 156 00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:44,530 I didn't know you looked so good in shorts! 157 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,073 ( whistling and purring ) What? 158 00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:48,116 You don't have an eye spliced in this mooring line. 159 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,452 Here, I'll just tie a bowline in there and make one for you. 160 00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:51,703 That should hold her. 161 00:06:55,791 --> 00:06:57,835 And this is a '74 Pinot Noir. 162 00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:00,045 Mm, lovely. 163 00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:01,672 Carter, did you tell your son-in-law 164 00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,340 he's not supposed to swallow the wine? 165 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:04,925 ( giggling ): Hey... Hey... 166 00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:06,969 ( slurring ): Where the hell is that Peter Griffin? 167 00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:08,971 He said he'd give me $100 168 00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:11,557 if I took off all my clothes off. 169 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,100 ( groaning ) 170 00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:16,311 Thanks for bringing me here, Lois. 171 00:07:16,395 --> 00:07:17,437 This is just what I needed. 172 00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:18,730 Oh, I'm glad. 173 00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:20,983 It seems like everybody's having a lot of fun. 174 00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:22,734 So, how long are you and your family in tow... 175 00:07:22,818 --> 00:07:25,362 Uh-uh, no conversation. 176 00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:26,738 You idiot! 177 00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:28,740 I'm never taking you to my country club again. 178 00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:30,367 Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. 179 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,660 Your husband is a moron. 180 00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,412 He walks up to the Premier of China 181 00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:36,665 and says, "Dong, where is my automobile?" 182 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,710 Lois, I tried to fit in with your Dad's crowd 183 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:40,961 but it's worse than before. 184 00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:42,379 I tell you, this sucks worse 185 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:43,922 than that time I was on Survivor. 186 00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,091 How dare you wash your clothes 187 00:07:46,175 --> 00:07:48,093 in our drinking water, B.B.! 188 00:07:48,177 --> 00:07:49,761 Now how are we going to survive 189 00:07:49,845 --> 00:07:52,264 in this harsh, unforgiving terrain? 190 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,058 All right, Donnie, make sure the wheel goes all the way around... 191 00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:57,644 ( feigned surprise ): Oh, oh, no, headhunters. 192 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:58,896 ( feigned fear ): Ooh... 193 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,105 Am I fired? 194 00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:02,399 Daddy, Peter's been trying really hard 195 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,901 to get you to like him. 196 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,360 Couldn't you give him another chance? 197 00:08:05,444 --> 00:08:07,070 Let him join your poker game tomorrow night? 198 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,155 Sorry, honey 199 00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:10,324 I'd rather be stuck in an elevator 200 00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:13,410 with Nathan Lane, Gilbert Godfried, Carrot Top 201 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,747 uh, Sean Hayes... Oh, you get the picture. 202 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,457 -Please? -No! 203 00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:20,000 Okay. 204 00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:21,668 You know, maybe later I'll take Mom 205 00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:22,878 by the shoeshine place 206 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:24,922 and introduce her to that nice mulatto boy 207 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,507 who looks an awful lot like... 208 00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,550 Say, would, uh, Peter like to play poker with us? 209 00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:29,635 He'd love to, Daddy. 210 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:30,719 That sounds dynamite. 211 00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,893 Brian, come over here and meet Sea Breeze 212 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,228 my prize-winning dog. 213 00:08:39,311 --> 00:08:41,104 Isn't she a perfect specimen? 214 00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:42,481 I mean, look at these legs 215 00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:43,982 and that beautiful coat 216 00:08:44,066 --> 00:08:46,151 and feel the heat coming off of her genitalia-- 217 00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:47,486 you could roast a marshmallow. 218 00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:49,154 That's how you can tell she's a champion. 219 00:08:49,238 --> 00:08:50,447 Go on, put your hand there. 220 00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:52,574 Oh... boy, that is... that-that is... 221 00:08:52,658 --> 00:08:53,992 Is that something? 222 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:55,369 That-that-that is something. 223 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,995 That is... that is hot. 224 00:08:57,079 --> 00:08:58,914 Isn't she the most beautiful dog you've ever seen? 225 00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:00,165 Yes, yes. 226 00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:02,167 Sh-She is a beautiful dog. 227 00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:04,586 ( sighing ): And that's... okay. 228 00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:07,798 Gentlemen, this is Peter. 229 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,424 He's the idiot my daughter married. 230 00:09:09,508 --> 00:09:10,509 Michael Eisner. 231 00:09:10,592 --> 00:09:11,718 Bill Gates. 232 00:09:11,802 --> 00:09:13,595 Bill, Peter's an antitrust lawyer 233 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:15,222 with the Justice Department. 234 00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:17,975 Ah, just kidding, he's a fisherman or some stupid thing. 235 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,268 Hey, fellas. 236 00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:21,645 Wow, Ted Turner! 237 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,272 I told you guys not to invite him. 238 00:09:23,355 --> 00:09:24,523 Oh, he must have followed us. 239 00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:25,607 Come on, ladies. 240 00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:27,526 We going to play cards or what? 241 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:29,194 Peter, why don't you deal? 242 00:09:29,278 --> 00:09:30,988 Okay, guys, we're playing Texas Hold 'Em. 243 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,281 Are aces high or low? 244 00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:33,657 They go both ways. 245 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,742 ( giggling ): He said "They go both ways." 246 00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:37,536 ( laughing ) 247 00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:39,580 Like a bisexual. 248 00:09:39,663 --> 00:09:41,456 Thank you, Ted, that was the joke. 249 00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:45,002 I see your bet, Carter 250 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,795 and I raise you CNN. 251 00:09:46,879 --> 00:09:47,963 Oh, I don't think I can... 252 00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:49,756 Wait, w-wait. You can beat him 253 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,508 Mr. Pewterschmidt, he's bluffing. 254 00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:52,676 Peter, he just bet CNN. 255 00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:53,969 There's no way he's bluffing. 256 00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:55,637 I'm sure he is. He's got a tell. 257 00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:57,931 Listen, if you lose this hand, I'll divorce your daughter. 258 00:09:58,015 --> 00:09:59,016 I'm in. 259 00:09:59,141 --> 00:10:00,184 All right, Teddy, I'll see 260 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:01,435 your CNN with U.S. Steel. 261 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,437 -What have you got? -Two pair. 262 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,771 Ace high, straight. 263 00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,899 You sold me out! I could use a man like you. 264 00:10:06,982 --> 00:10:08,525 How's a million a year sound? 265 00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:10,861 You disgust me. Get out of my face! 266 00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:13,697 Peter, that's the first time 267 00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,240 any of us have ever beaten Ted. 268 00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,075 Yeah, how did you know he was bluffing? 269 00:10:17,159 --> 00:10:19,244 When he lies, he blinks twice. 270 00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:22,080 I first noticed it when he did that Barbara Walters' interview 271 00:10:22,164 --> 00:10:23,707 and he said he'd be with Jane Fonda forever. 272 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,125 Well, I'm going to turn in. 273 00:10:25,209 --> 00:10:26,335 Yeah, me too. 274 00:10:26,418 --> 00:10:28,045 I got to be at Disneyland before it opens. 275 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,005 We're ethnically cleansing the Small World ride. 276 00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:32,174 Oh, come on, you guys practically run this country. 277 00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:33,967 There's got to be a ton of fun stuff we could do. 278 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,598 ( laughing and whooping ) 279 00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:41,683 Oh, man, there's a tollbooth. 280 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,061 Hey, anybody got a quarter? 281 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,145 What's a quarter? 282 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:47,856 Well, we got to give him something. 283 00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,944 ( laughing and whooping ) 284 00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:55,781 Man, looking up at the sky 285 00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:57,282 just makes you feel so small. 286 00:10:57,366 --> 00:10:59,159 Yeah. 287 00:10:59,243 --> 00:11:02,496 I mean, if God created all this, who created God? 288 00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:04,289 Maybe he created himself. 289 00:11:04,373 --> 00:11:06,041 Or herself. 290 00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:08,168 ( thoughtful murmuring ) 291 00:11:08,252 --> 00:11:09,753 Neat. This guy's deep, Carter. 292 00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:11,004 Where'd you find him? 293 00:11:11,088 --> 00:11:12,714 He's my son-in-law. 294 00:11:12,798 --> 00:11:14,258 ( cell phone rings ) 295 00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:15,592 Okay, honey. I got to go. 296 00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,803 -You want a ride? -Sure. 297 00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:26,687 Wow. 298 00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:27,938 You know, Peter 299 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,274 I actually had a good time with you tonight 300 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:31,733 and I just want to say... 301 00:11:31,817 --> 00:11:33,569 well, I'm glad you married my daughter. 302 00:11:33,652 --> 00:11:35,571 Oh, thank you, Jesus! 303 00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:37,614 Oh, a-actually, it wasn't me. It was... 304 00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:39,449 It's okay. I am used to it. 305 00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:44,496 Having fun, Peter? 306 00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:46,081 Oh, you bet. 307 00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,041 I put all my poker winnings on your dog, Mr. P. 308 00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:49,626 Dog? 309 00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,796 You've got nothing to worry about. 310 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:53,881 Sea Breeze is a sure thing. 311 00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:55,215 Sea Breeze? 312 00:11:56,717 --> 00:11:58,343 Dad, where are the jockeys? 313 00:11:58,427 --> 00:12:00,179 They're all in the laundry, son. 314 00:12:00,262 --> 00:12:01,805 I'm going Indian today. 315 00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:07,269 ALL: Come on, Sea Breeze! 316 00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:08,520 Yeah! 317 00:12:08,604 --> 00:12:10,814 Come on, Sea Breeze, come on! 318 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:12,566 ( lustful groan ) 319 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:15,319 What's Brian doing? 320 00:12:19,031 --> 00:12:20,490 Oh, my God. 321 00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:22,075 He's violating Sea Breeze! 322 00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:24,453 Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... 323 00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:26,163 Now he's violating Sea Breeze. 324 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:29,208 ( imitating porn jazz riff) 325 00:12:36,757 --> 00:12:38,175 Mr. Pewterschmidt, again 326 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,177 I just want to tell you how sorry I am about this. 327 00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:41,762 I don't know what came over me. 328 00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:44,264 You'd better not have ruined my race dog. 329 00:12:44,348 --> 00:12:46,266 Brian, I am very disappointed in you. 330 00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:47,643 I'd turn my back on you 331 00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,853 but I've seen what you do in that situation. 332 00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,271 Now, if you'll excuse me 333 00:12:51,355 --> 00:12:53,398 Carter and I have a polio match to attend. 334 00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:54,775 Get away from me-- 335 00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:56,610 you and that filthy mongrel of yours! 336 00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:57,736 How is she, Doctor? 337 00:12:57,819 --> 00:12:58,987 She's fine. 338 00:12:59,071 --> 00:13:00,656 Sea Breeze will be able to race again. 339 00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:03,367 But, unfortunately, not for another nine weeks. 340 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,743 She's pregnant. 341 00:13:04,826 --> 00:13:07,371 Look, Mr. Pewterschmidt, I just want you to know 342 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,081 I am going to do the right thing here. 343 00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:10,624 You're not doing anything. 344 00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,209 In fact, you're never going to see Sea Breeze again. 345 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,877 All of you, pack your things and get out! 346 00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:15,629 I am never speaking to you again. 347 00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:17,381 Don't worry, Mr. Pewterschmidt 348 00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:18,674 I have a plan. 349 00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:20,425 I am going to go back in time 350 00:13:20,509 --> 00:13:23,053 and stop Brian from getting it on with your dog. 351 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:25,305 Everybody stand back. 352 00:13:25,389 --> 00:13:29,476 ( making whirring noise ) 353 00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:30,811 ( groaning ) 354 00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:32,729 Uh, oh, oh, boy. 355 00:13:32,813 --> 00:13:34,982 A-ah! 356 00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:39,444 Mr. Pewterschmidt, please can we still be pals? 357 00:13:39,528 --> 00:13:40,904 See, look, I made a picture 358 00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,823 of you and me out of glue and macaroni. 359 00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:44,283 Peter, that means a lot to me 360 00:13:44,366 --> 00:13:45,367 because you made it. 361 00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:46,451 Really? 362 00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:47,536 No. Get out of here! 363 00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,037 Mr. Pewterschmidt, Sea Breeze is gone. 364 00:13:49,121 --> 00:13:50,122 What?! 365 00:13:50,205 --> 00:13:51,206 I can't find Brian. 366 00:13:51,290 --> 00:13:52,291 Peter, do you know 367 00:13:52,374 --> 00:13:54,126 what I'm going to do to you 368 00:13:54,209 --> 00:13:56,128 if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze? 369 00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,380 I think I have an idea. 370 00:14:00,132 --> 00:14:02,509 ( blubbering ) 371 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,182 This is the room. 372 00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,684 The light switch is here, it's mostly for show. 373 00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:11,768 There's your Murphy bed. 374 00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,395 Don't mind the Epsteins. 375 00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:14,813 They keep to themselves. 376 00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:16,773 We're going to see Bobby Darin 377 00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:18,817 at the Copa tomorrow, right, Charlie? 378 00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:20,235 Bobby Darin tomorrow. 379 00:14:20,319 --> 00:14:21,528 And this is the bathroom. 380 00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:22,988 But watch out. 381 00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:24,072 We got some bad roaches here. 382 00:14:24,156 --> 00:14:25,908 Hey, you're on our turf, man. 383 00:14:25,991 --> 00:14:27,492 Hey, man, I'll cut you. 384 00:14:27,576 --> 00:14:29,036 I'll cut you up so bad 385 00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:31,205 you gon' wish I no cut you up so bad. 386 00:14:31,288 --> 00:14:32,623 Those are bad roaches. 387 00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:33,707 I blame the schools. 388 00:14:38,003 --> 00:14:39,004 Were you followed? 389 00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:40,506 Don't worry; I've got a decoy. 390 00:14:40,589 --> 00:14:41,715 Hey, Lois. 391 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,342 Hubba-hubba... whoa, Lois 392 00:14:43,425 --> 00:14:44,635 you put on a few, huh? 393 00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:45,761 Well, I never! 394 00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:47,429 That's all right, honey. 395 00:14:47,513 --> 00:14:49,890 I don't think he was the one anyway. 396 00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:51,517 Now, let's go get sundaes. 397 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,268 You know, we all really miss you 398 00:14:53,352 --> 00:14:54,978 and Peter talks about you all the time. 399 00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:56,104 Oh, really? 400 00:14:56,188 --> 00:14:57,189 Anything nice? 401 00:14:57,272 --> 00:14:58,357 No. 402 00:14:58,440 --> 00:14:59,650 Mmm, so he's still mad, huh? 403 00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:00,734 Well, I should go. 404 00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,444 Here, take this. 405 00:15:02,528 --> 00:15:04,821 It's probably not a good idea for us to meet anymore. 406 00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:07,157 Daddy swore he'd track you down any way he could. 407 00:15:11,537 --> 00:15:13,163 Bingo! 408 00:15:13,247 --> 00:15:14,706 I told you she'd lead us to him. 409 00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:15,958 Let's call Pewterschmidt. 410 00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:17,292 No, wait-- let's take the jet packs. 411 00:15:17,376 --> 00:15:18,544 Cool! 412 00:15:20,963 --> 00:15:23,507 Man, the people look like ants from up here. 413 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,259 They are ants, Michael. 414 00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:27,052 They are ants. 415 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:32,015 This is Tricia Takanawa reporting live 416 00:15:32,099 --> 00:15:35,644 where police have discovered the whereabouts of Sea Breeze 417 00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:38,188 the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune. 418 00:15:38,272 --> 00:15:41,525 The dognapper has been traced to this sleazy motel. 419 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,735 Ah, I see my colleague, Tom Tucker 420 00:15:43,819 --> 00:15:45,195 is already on the scene. 421 00:15:45,279 --> 00:15:46,864 Who's that, baby? 422 00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:50,200 Hello, this is Tom Tucker...'s 423 00:15:50,284 --> 00:15:51,994 evil twin, Todd Tucker 424 00:15:52,077 --> 00:15:54,663 out to destroy his brother's reputation. 425 00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:56,081 Ha-ha-ha! 426 00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,541 Now I'm going back inside 427 00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,585 to have freaky sex with my prostitute 428 00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:01,461 with whom I still have 45 minutes. 429 00:16:01,545 --> 00:16:02,838 Now back to this breaking news. 430 00:16:14,183 --> 00:16:15,517 Brian, please, eat something. 431 00:16:15,601 --> 00:16:17,144 Why bother? 432 00:16:17,227 --> 00:16:18,979 My face is plastered all over the news 433 00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:22,065 your father won't let me see the dog who's carrying my puppies 434 00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:24,401 and my best friend is going to incredible lengths 435 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,527 to ignore me. 436 00:16:25,611 --> 00:16:27,196 Brian, don't let him get to you. 437 00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:28,739 Peter, come out of that thing! 438 00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:30,407 He can't hear you, Lois. 439 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,659 Besides, it's not him that's getting to me. 440 00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:33,785 It's your father. 441 00:16:33,869 --> 00:16:34,995 I'm sorry. 442 00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,747 I talked to him, but he wouldn't budge. 443 00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:37,956 He can be so stubborn. 444 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,958 I don't know how my mother puts up with it. 445 00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:42,628 He did promise to take good care of the puppies, though. 446 00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:44,546 Well, you know, they're not his to take care of. 447 00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:46,715 They're my kids, and I'm going to get them back. 448 00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:48,467 My father wasn't there for me 449 00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:50,886 but, damn it, I'm going to be there for my kids. 450 00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:52,721 I'm going to sue your dad for custody. 451 00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:02,314 Daddy, please, stop this. 452 00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:04,900 Brian has every right to see his puppies when they're born. 453 00:17:04,983 --> 00:17:05,984 Sorry, Pumpkin. 454 00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:07,694 I had no idea you could be so cruel. 455 00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:09,071 I'll never forgive you for this. 456 00:17:09,154 --> 00:17:10,155 Oh, you'll be fine. 457 00:17:10,239 --> 00:17:11,698 You're just having your period. 458 00:17:11,782 --> 00:17:13,283 This court will now come to order. 459 00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:14,535 Brian 460 00:17:14,618 --> 00:17:15,619 do you like children? 461 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:16,870 I-I love children. 462 00:17:16,954 --> 00:17:18,163 That's why I'm here. 463 00:17:18,247 --> 00:17:20,457 I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. 464 00:17:20,541 --> 00:17:23,168 Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's 465 00:17:23,252 --> 00:17:24,962 in December of 1996? 466 00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:26,421 Uh, yeah, I guess. 467 00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:30,342 ( bawling ) 468 00:17:34,847 --> 00:17:37,683 Waa! Waa! You like that, huh?! 469 00:17:37,808 --> 00:17:40,060 You like that?! Waa!!! 470 00:17:40,143 --> 00:17:43,564 You just tune this out, don't you?! Waa!!! 471 00:17:43,647 --> 00:17:45,858 Well, tune this out! Waa!!! 472 00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:49,069 ( cries ) Waa! 473 00:17:49,152 --> 00:17:50,779 Waa! ( cries ) 474 00:17:50,863 --> 00:17:52,865 ( cries ) Shut up! 475 00:17:52,948 --> 00:17:54,116 Look, I was angry 476 00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,118 because my Moon Over My Hammy was overcooked. 477 00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:58,036 I also have your rental records 478 00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,329 from the Quahog video store. 479 00:17:59,413 --> 00:18:01,415 Can you read the last two titles, please? 480 00:18:01,498 --> 00:18:03,959 Uh, Son-In-Law and Biodome. 481 00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:05,711 And who's the star of those films? 482 00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:06,795 Uh, Paulie Shore. 483 00:18:06,879 --> 00:18:08,213 Paulie... Shore. 484 00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:12,551 But, I... I-I rented those for Peter. 485 00:18:12,634 --> 00:18:13,844 He got banned from the video store 486 00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:14,970 for taping over their movies. 487 00:18:18,432 --> 00:18:19,766 Rosebud. 488 00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:23,103 It's his sled. 489 00:18:23,187 --> 00:18:25,397 It was his sled from when he was a kid. 490 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:28,525 There, I just saved you two long, boob-less hours. 491 00:18:28,609 --> 00:18:31,195 How convenient; blame it on someone else. 492 00:18:31,486 --> 00:18:33,739 Is that the kind of man we want raising these puppies? 493 00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:35,824 Peter... 494 00:18:35,908 --> 00:18:37,534 Oh, you've got to believe me, Your Honor. 495 00:18:37,618 --> 00:18:39,453 Peter, I'm putting together another card game. 496 00:18:39,578 --> 00:18:40,579 You in? 497 00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:42,581 Y-you want me to play? 498 00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:43,707 Absolutely. 499 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,584 But first, I want you to testify 500 00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:47,419 against that horny mutt of yours. 501 00:18:47,503 --> 00:18:48,962 I-I don't know if I can do that. 502 00:18:49,046 --> 00:18:50,756 Ooh, that's too bad 503 00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:53,050 because Bill and Michael really want to see you again. 504 00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,426 They're coming over later 505 00:18:54,510 --> 00:18:56,053 and Bill's going to bring his Stretch Armstrong. 506 00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:58,889 Oh, man, and his arms stretch out to next week! 507 00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:01,683 Your Honor, Peter Griffin would like to take the stand. 508 00:19:04,353 --> 00:19:07,022 Mr. Griffin, which of the following two phrases 509 00:19:07,105 --> 00:19:08,774 best describes Brian Griffin? 510 00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:10,150 Problem drinker 511 00:19:10,234 --> 00:19:11,818 or African-American haberdasher? 512 00:19:11,902 --> 00:19:13,904 Um... I-I guess problem drinker, but that's... 513 00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:15,197 Thank you. 514 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,407 Now: sexual deviant, or magic picture 515 00:19:17,491 --> 00:19:20,244 that-if-you-stare-at-it- long-enough-you-see-something? 516 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,162 Well, sexual deviant, but that other one's... 517 00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:23,330 Thank you. 518 00:19:23,413 --> 00:19:24,623 Now, isn't it true 519 00:19:24,706 --> 00:19:26,250 that you told my client, Carter Pewterschmidt 520 00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:28,210 that Brian is a menace to society 521 00:19:28,293 --> 00:19:30,379 and should never be allowed to see his children? 522 00:19:30,546 --> 00:19:31,547 ( all gasping ) 523 00:19:31,630 --> 00:19:32,923 Uh... uh... 524 00:19:39,638 --> 00:19:42,975 Brian should be allowed to see his puppies. 525 00:19:43,058 --> 00:19:44,643 Peter, think about what you're doing. 526 00:19:44,726 --> 00:19:45,811 I am. 527 00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:47,688 Your Honor, Brian will be a great dad. 528 00:19:47,771 --> 00:19:49,565 Hell, if I was half the parent Brian is 529 00:19:49,648 --> 00:19:51,066 I'd know that Chris' favorite ice cream is... 530 00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:52,150 Chocolate chip. 531 00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:54,862 -And Stewie's favorite bedtime story is.. -Goodnight, Moon. 532 00:19:54,945 --> 00:19:56,071 And Meg's real father's name is... 533 00:19:56,154 --> 00:19:57,155 Stan Thompson. 534 00:19:59,199 --> 00:20:00,742 I've heard enough. 535 00:20:00,826 --> 00:20:03,495 I do believe that Brian would be a successful parent. 536 00:20:03,579 --> 00:20:06,248 However, if he was to repeat his actions at the dog track 537 00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:08,667 he would be setting a bad example for his puppies. 538 00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:11,295 Therefore, I grant Brian custody with the condition 539 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,796 that he be neutered first. 540 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,423 Yeah! You did it, buddy! 541 00:20:14,506 --> 00:20:15,591 Oh, congratulations! 542 00:20:15,716 --> 00:20:17,342 Oh, man! 543 00:20:17,426 --> 00:20:18,802 What does "neutered" mean? 544 00:20:21,096 --> 00:20:22,639 You're almost there, Sea Breeze. 545 00:20:22,723 --> 00:20:25,350 Oh, and, uh, also, uh, I-I didn't bring this up before 546 00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:27,811 but, uh, promise me you won't eat any of them. 547 00:20:27,936 --> 00:20:29,354 You know, Brian, it occurs to me 548 00:20:29,438 --> 00:20:30,939 that this is like a Greek tragedy 549 00:20:31,023 --> 00:20:32,149 where a man must choose 550 00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:33,817 between himself and his children. 551 00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:36,570 Of course, you'll be playing the role of Sanstesticles. 552 00:20:36,695 --> 00:20:37,905 ( snickering ) 553 00:20:38,071 --> 00:20:39,489 We're ready for you down the hall. 554 00:20:40,616 --> 00:20:43,160 Are you sure you want to go through with this, Brian? 555 00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:45,245 'Cause, you know, you could have puppies with another dog. 556 00:20:45,329 --> 00:20:46,955 Oh, or maybe with a condor. 557 00:20:47,206 --> 00:20:48,707 Yeah, then you'd have flying puppies. 558 00:20:48,999 --> 00:20:50,375 Would you like that, Brian? 559 00:20:50,459 --> 00:20:51,460 Huh? Flying puppies? 560 00:20:51,543 --> 00:20:52,836 No, Peter. 561 00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:54,630 Those puppies in there are mine 562 00:20:54,713 --> 00:20:57,299 and I'll give anything to be with them. Anything. 563 00:20:57,382 --> 00:21:00,093 I am not looking forward to what you're going to be like 564 00:21:00,177 --> 00:21:01,220 once they do this to you. 565 00:21:02,346 --> 00:21:06,517 Mmm, I love chocolate! 566 00:21:07,726 --> 00:21:11,146 But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. 567 00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:13,815 But it's so good! 568 00:21:14,733 --> 00:21:15,943 Are you ready, Brian? 569 00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:17,653 I guess so. 570 00:21:17,736 --> 00:21:20,072 Stop! Brian, come quick. 571 00:21:22,658 --> 00:21:24,868 Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies. 572 00:21:24,952 --> 00:21:26,620 Well, then, whose are they? 573 00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:30,165 ( puppies saying "woof" and "bark" ) 574 00:21:30,249 --> 00:21:32,167 You-you're a whore! 575 00:21:32,251 --> 00:21:34,419 A filthy, filthy whore! 576 00:21:35,379 --> 00:21:37,005 You must be so relieved. 577 00:21:37,089 --> 00:21:38,423 Well, actually, I... 578 00:21:38,507 --> 00:21:40,801 I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. 579 00:21:40,884 --> 00:21:41,885 Well, don't worry. 580 00:21:41,969 --> 00:21:43,345 There will be other chances. 581 00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:44,429 You know what's funny? 582 00:21:44,513 --> 00:21:47,933 I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs. 583 00:21:49,101 --> 00:21:50,853 And I learned something today.