1
00:00:01,877 --> 00:00:04,630
♪♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪♪

2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,342
♪♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪♪

3
00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:11,845
♪♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪♪

4
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♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

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♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy♪

6
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♪♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪♪

7
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♪♪ All the things that make us ♪

8
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♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪

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♪♪ He's...
a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪

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Oh, my!
This place is enormous!

11
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Aw, man, they got these
little plastic disc guns.

12
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I haven't seen one
since Cleveland's wedding.

13
00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:48,090
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today

14
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to celebrate the joining of
these two young people...

15
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( Peter snickering )

16
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In the bonds
of holy matrimony...

17
00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:55,389
( snickering )

18
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:57,474
consecrated
before God Almighty.

19
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( snickering )

20
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Hey, Stratego!

21
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I used to love this game.

22
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Oh, my God!
Abe Vigoda?

23
00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:05,816
Go bother Steve Guttenberg.

24
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,068
He's behind
the Chinese checkers.

25
00:01:08,151 --> 00:01:09,194
Abe, shut up!

26
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:14,950
( keyboard playing melody )

27
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Hey, look at me, Chris.

28
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I'm Yanni,
sans the attitude.

29
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My God, that's amazing!

30
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You are so talented!

31
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Huh?

32
00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:26,795
Wait a second.

33
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Something's not
right here.

34
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( music stops )

35
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You were just making it
look like you were playing.

36
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You're a phony!

37
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Hey! This guy's
a great big phony!

38
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Come on, Chris.

39
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( timer clicking )

40
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( surprised gasp )

41
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Oh, there you are, Stewie.

42
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Hey, you're a great big phony,
you know that?

43
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Come on, Stewie. Your mom
and I have something for you.

44
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Oh, let me guess.

45
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You've picked out yet another
colorful box with a crank

46
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that I'm expected to turn
and turn

47
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until, ooh, big shocker:
a Jack pops out.

48
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And you laugh, and the kids
laugh, and the dog laughs

49
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and I die a little inside.

50
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-( gasps )
-LOIS: Surprise, honey.

51
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,290
A trikey!

52
00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,084
I think he likes it.

53
00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:08,837
When I stick this Army guy
with the sharp bayonet

54
00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:10,464
up my nose,
it tickles my brain.

55
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( laughing )

56
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Ow! Oh... now I don't know math.

57
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Give it to me!

58
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Give it to me now, damn it!

59
00:02:18,931 --> 00:02:20,641
Not now, Stewie.
When we get home.

60
00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:24,937
That's right.
You're a big fat phony!

61
00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:28,398
What I'm about to show you

62
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is a fight scene from Star Trek,
season one, episode 18.

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And, as a bonus, I'm going
to identify when it's Shatner

64
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and when it's his stunt double,
Fred Lubins.

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Let's watch.

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That's Shatner, of course.

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That's Lubins.

68
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That's Shatner.
That's Lubins.

69
00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:43,330
That's Shatner.

70
00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:44,665
That's Lubins.

71
00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,416
Now that's Shatner,
but when I freeze-frame

72
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you can clearly see Lubins'
coffee cup

73
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sitting on that rock!

74
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He is the biggest dork
on the planet!

75
00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:52,840
Oh, totally.

76
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:57,386
And so, because of his rough-
and-tumble style of command

77
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Captain Kirk is clearly superior
to Jean-Luc Picard.

78
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Any questions... Meg?

79
00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:05,018
No. Leave me alone!

80
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Thank you, Neil,
for that incredibly

81
00:03:06,562 --> 00:03:07,938
irrelevant presentation.

82
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We all know Captain Picard
is the superior officer.

83
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Ugh!

84
00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:18,365
Hey, everybody!

85
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,117
Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!

86
00:03:23,579 --> 00:03:25,664
Well, what, in God's name...

87
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Mr. Lazenby, what the hell's
going on here?

88
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Apparently there's some law

89
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against teaching
the evolutionary theory

90
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that Gil Gerard used
a time machine

91
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went back, and ejaculated
into the primordial ooze.

92
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This stupid country.

93
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Hello, Tom Tucker live

94
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at James Woods High School

95
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with this sensational
breaking story:

96
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a teacher caught
molesting children...

97
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with crackpot theories.

98
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Full story at 11:00.

99
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TOM'S ASSISTANT:
And out.

100
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:49,855
Oh, my God!

101
00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:51,857
That's Tom Tucker
from the news!

102
00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:54,359
Hey, kids, remember,
Mr. T says

103
00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:57,070
"I pity the fool
who does drugs."

104
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Better hurry up, Mr. Tucker.

105
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I'm coming.

106
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And reports indicate
she has also consumed

107
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:24,306
a record amount
of seamen.

108
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Well, that sounds like one
powerful hurricane, Diane.

109
00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:27,392
In other news

110
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school board elections
took place last evening

111
00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,396
and with six precincts reporting

112
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candidate Fred Johnson leads
candidate Betsy Lebow

113
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by a substantial margin.

114
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( "Moving in Stereo" playing)

115
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Hi, Meg.

116
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You know how cute
I think you are.

117
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( music playing )

118
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Whoa!

119
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Yikes.

120
00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:16,525
Awkward.

121
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,322
Hey, you know who lives
in this house?

122
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A great big phony!

123
00:05:24,408 --> 00:05:25,784
That's right!

124
00:05:25,868 --> 00:05:27,244
A phony lives here!

125
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,413
A big fat phony!

126
00:05:32,624 --> 00:05:34,084
I say, look at me.

127
00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:36,211
I feel
like a regular grease monkey.

128
00:05:36,295 --> 00:05:38,297
Hey, remember that time
I had that Mustang?

129
00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:39,882
Oh, yeah, you took it
for a spin that time.

130
00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:41,091
( laughs )

131
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,759
Yeah, that was awesome!

132
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,637
Then those chowder-heads on the
corner, they busted your stones.

133
00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:47,389
( both laughing )

134
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,099
Hey, your sister say
anything about me?

135
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,603
Oh, my God! I'm
missing the news!

136
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,062
We all miss The News, Meg

137
00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:56,106
but Huey Lewis needs time
to create

138
00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:57,941
and we have to learn
to be patient.

139
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And, in entertainment

140
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,278
Mary Tyler Moore is
64-years-old today.

141
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Really? 64?

142
00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:03,655
Yes.

143
00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:04,865
Now, I thought she was dead.

144
00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:06,074
Nope. She's alive.

145
00:06:06,158 --> 00:06:08,202
Fantastic.
And now this.

146
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Are you an area high
school student interested

147
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,539
in the glamorous world
of unpaid internships?

148
00:06:12,623 --> 00:06:14,208
If so, we'd like to invite you

149
00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:16,543
to try out for Channel Five's
Young Anchor Program.

150
00:06:16,627 --> 00:06:18,003
Oh, wow!

151
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You'll gain valuable experience

152
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have a chance to work closely
with Tom and me

153
00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:24,092
and, best of all,
produce your own on-air report.

154
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So call us now.

155
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BOTH:
Yeah!

156
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,900
All right, question #1:

157
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Would you consider
growing a mustache?

158
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I guess so.

159
00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:44,238
Question #2:

160
00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:45,739
Look at my mustache.

161
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:47,699
Do you think it tickles women
when I kiss them?

162
00:06:47,783 --> 00:06:49,535
I... I don't know.

163
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Wrong.

164
00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:52,412
The answer is:
"Only slightly. Only slightly."

165
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Next.

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Oh, God, I can't hire

167
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any of these girls.

168
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They're all too pretty.

169
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Their breasts are too perky.

170
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( gasps ):
Perfect!

171
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,676
Congratulations!
You got the job.

172
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,135
Oh, my God!

173
00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:09,012
Oh, oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

174
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:11,139
This is beyond anything
I've ever dreamed of!

175
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You and your
partner will start

176
00:07:12,558 --> 00:07:14,226
first thing tomorrow
after school.

177
00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:16,520
-Great! Who's my partner?
-Hey, there, hot stuff.

178
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,195
Well, well.

179
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:28,448
It appears the fates have conspired
in our favor, eh, Meg?

180
00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:29,992
Look, stay away from me, Neil.

181
00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:31,577
Just because
we're working together

182
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,036
does not mean
I have to like you.

183
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,246
Give it to me!

184
00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:35,455
What's that?

185
00:07:35,539 --> 00:07:36,748
Give it to me, Neil!

186
00:07:36,832 --> 00:07:37,833
MEG ( on tape ):
Give it to me!

187
00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:38,959
Give it to me, Neil!

188
00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:41,837
Yeah, that'll work just fine.

189
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,088
Ugh!

190
00:07:43,172 --> 00:07:44,590
Hey, look who's here, Diane.

191
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,466
It's our bright-eyed
young interns.

192
00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:48,302
Did you two remember
to wear your eager caps?

193
00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:50,053
I sure did, Mr. Tucker.

194
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,848
Great! 'Cause you two are going
to have so much fun.

195
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:54,224
Don't act any cheerier, Diane.

196
00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:55,809
You'll give us all diabetes.

197
00:07:55,893 --> 00:07:56,977
Bite me, Tom.

198
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,187
Come on, kids.

199
00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:00,272
And here's where we produce

200
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:02,065
our in-studio
celebrity interviews.

201
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:04,067
I just did one
with Dustin Hoffman.

202
00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:06,278
He's almost impossible to book,
but we got him.

203
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:08,030
So, Dustin, it's been a while.

204
00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:09,489
I got to say, you look great.

205
00:08:09,573 --> 00:08:11,325
Are you trying to seduce me,
Mr. Tucker?

206
00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:12,451
I am not trying

207
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:14,661
to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman.

208
00:08:14,745 --> 00:08:15,871
You really look great.

209
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:17,623
Uh-oh. 12 minutes to Wapner.

210
00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:19,666
Yes, I understand
your hectic schedule.

211
00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:22,044
Well, Dustin, we really
appreciate you taking the time

212
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,295
to be with us here
in the studio.

213
00:08:23,378 --> 00:08:25,005
If there's anything
I can ever do for you.

214
00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:27,216
Bring me Peter Pan!

215
00:08:27,299 --> 00:08:28,967
I'll keep my eye out for him.

216
00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:30,219
Thanks, Dustin.

217
00:08:30,302 --> 00:08:32,012
He's this tall.

218
00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,848
Uh, can you
believe it?

219
00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:37,351
Our little Stewie learning to ride
his first tricycle.

220
00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:39,478
Yeah, this is going to be even
more exciting

221
00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:41,522
than when Brian taught me
about Christopher Columbus.

222
00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:42,773
Where are we
going, Brian?

223
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,358
Peter, we're going
to visit the year 1492.

224
00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:45,692
That's when Columbus set sail

225
00:08:45,776 --> 00:08:47,152
on his famous voyage
to the New World.

226
00:08:47,236 --> 00:08:48,695
We're on a ship.
That's right.

227
00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:50,280
The Santa Maria--
one of three ships

228
00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,115
Columbus took
to find a direct route to India.

229
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,534
Any sign of India yet, fellas?

230
00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:54,993
Nothing yet, Captain.

231
00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:56,745
India! But I thought
Columbus was going to America!

232
00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:58,121
On the contrary, Peter.

233
00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,456
Columbus discovered America
entirely by mistake!

234
00:08:59,540 --> 00:09:00,666
Wow!

235
00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:02,793
What the deuce do you
think you're doing?

236
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,002
Back off, fat man.

237
00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:05,254
Hang on, Stewie.

238
00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:06,880
What the...?
Hey, hey, let go!

239
00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:08,423
Get your filthy
paws off.

240
00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:10,425
Let go! Let go,
I say! Let go!

241
00:09:10,509 --> 00:09:11,593
Don't let go!

242
00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:14,179
Oh, this is exhilarating!

243
00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:15,389
Go, Stewie!

244
00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:17,057
Yay, Stewie!

245
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,433
Here. I got to go check
on dinner.

246
00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:19,810
You keep taping Stewie.

247
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:20,894
Don't miss a moment.

248
00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:22,271
PETER:
I got it.

249
00:09:22,354 --> 00:09:26,650
Oh, look...
it's dancing with me.

250
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:29,695
It's like there's this
incredibly benevolent force

251
00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:32,739
that wants me to know
there's no reason to be afraid.

252
00:09:32,823 --> 00:09:35,450
Sometimes there's so much beauty
in the world

253
00:09:35,534 --> 00:09:37,160
it makes my heart burst.

254
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,496
It's just some trash blowing
in the wind!

255
00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:40,873
Do you have any idea

256
00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:43,250
how complicated
your circulatory system is?

257
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,336
Hi, Mr. Tucker.

258
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,005
I brought you
some Rice Krispies treats

259
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,257
'cause I remember you saying you liked
them once on the news.

260
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,843
See, look, this one--
it's in a the shape of a heart.

261
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,012
I'm sorry, but there's
a handsome man in my spoon.

262
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,221
You'll have to come back later.

263
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:58,974
( gasps )

264
00:09:59,057 --> 00:10:00,601
Oh, my God!

265
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:02,477
Meg's in love with Tom Tucker!

266
00:10:04,229 --> 00:10:07,316
Try to move in on my woman,
will you, Tom Tucker?

267
00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:08,859
Well, no one crosses
Neil Goldman

268
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,068
and gets away with it.

269
00:10:10,152 --> 00:10:11,445
( cackling )

270
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,071
I added a little something
to your coffee

271
00:10:13,155 --> 00:10:14,865
that I don't think
you're gonna like.

272
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,034
Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker.

273
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:18,911
What the hell
is in this?

274
00:10:18,994 --> 00:10:20,454
Sweet 'N Low!

275
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,164
That's for trying
to steal my woman!

276
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,124
Go back and bring it to me with urine
in it like I asked!

277
00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:25,334
Yes, sir.

278
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,714
Nice bike.

279
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,758
Oh, if that's not the understatement
of the century.

280
00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:33,842
It's cool.

281
00:10:33,926 --> 00:10:35,052
Too cool for you.

282
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,261
Oh, no, no.

283
00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:37,721
No, no, I think it's
right where I'm at.

284
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:38,847
Out of my way!

285
00:10:38,931 --> 00:10:40,224
Oh, well, I see.

286
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:42,142
Yes, yes, I suppose
you do have to ride it

287
00:10:42,226 --> 00:10:44,144
to truly appreciate
its virtues.

288
00:10:44,228 --> 00:10:46,772
Well, then, I'll just wait
right here till you get back.

289
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:49,233
( sighs )

290
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:50,817
Where the devil is he?

291
00:10:50,901 --> 00:10:52,486
You've obviously never met
a bully.

292
00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:54,029
What the deuce do you mean,
"bully"?

293
00:10:54,112 --> 00:10:56,406
He wasn't taking it
for a test ride. He was just taking it.

294
00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:58,617
( gasps )
You... you mean...?

295
00:10:58,700 --> 00:10:59,910
Mm-hmm.

296
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:03,789
He... stole... my... tri... key?

297
00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:08,210
( wailing )

298
00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:10,838
MEG:
You know, Mr. Tucker

299
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:12,214
has anyone
ever told you

300
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:13,465
your eyes are...?
Hang on, sweetie.

301
00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:14,883
I've got to call Peter Jennings

302
00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:16,176
and reschedule our golf game.

303
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:19,221
( ringing )

304
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:22,266
( Hendrix guitar intro playing)

305
00:11:28,397 --> 00:11:30,315
PETER JENNINGS:
This is Peter.

306
00:11:30,399 --> 00:11:31,900
You know what to do.
( beep )

307
00:11:31,984 --> 00:11:33,610
Mr. Tucker, Ms. Simmons!

308
00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:35,904
There's some nut on top of city
hall with a high-powered rifle!

309
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,198
The gunman has been identified

310
00:11:38,282 --> 00:11:39,533
as the notorious
mass-media murderer

311
00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:40,742
who targets members
of the press.

312
00:11:40,826 --> 00:11:42,035
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

313
00:11:42,119 --> 00:11:43,996
Mass media murderer?

314
00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:46,540
You know, I think
this would be a fine opportunity

315
00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:49,126
to give our interns
some real world experience.

316
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,544
Hey, that means
you'll get to ride

317
00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:51,837
in the Action 5
News Chopper.

318
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,338
I'm so jealous!

319
00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:54,423
Better put in for
some new interns.

320
00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:55,632
Good luck.

321
00:11:56,425 --> 00:11:58,385
I've got Hugh Downs up here

322
00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:01,096
and I'm going to splatter
his distinguished career

323
00:12:01,180 --> 00:12:02,472
all over the pavement.

324
00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:03,932
Hey, why me?
Why the media?

325
00:12:04,016 --> 00:12:05,309
I got my reasons.

326
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:07,352
Dan Rather thinks
he can just condense

327
00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,813
a whole day's worth
of events into a half hour.

328
00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:12,691
Oh, don't get me
started on Rather that arrogant jerk.

329
00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:13,859
Really? You know him?

330
00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:17,112
I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody.
In fact, he's right down there.

331
00:12:17,196 --> 00:12:18,572
Where?

332
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:19,740
Ha-ha!

333
00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:21,158
See you later, sucker!

334
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,410
And, by the way, Rather is
an okay guy in small doses.

335
00:12:25,871 --> 00:12:27,623
Look how close
we're getting, Meg.

336
00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:31,168
Hey, that was my
lucky assassin hat!

337
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:32,336
( gunfire )

338
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:35,631
Mayday! Mayday!
I'm going down!

339
00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:42,429
Oh, my God.
We're going to die!

340
00:12:42,513 --> 00:12:45,182
There's so much of life
I haven't experienced.

341
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,558
I never even
got the chance

342
00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:49,102
to be some drunk
college guy's last resort.

343
00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:50,979
My years of expensive
orthodontic work

344
00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:52,356
will be a total waste!

345
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,900
I never even had my first kiss!

346
00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:57,194
It's not too late, Meg.

347
00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:02,282
I'm here for you.

348
00:13:05,536 --> 00:13:07,412
Time to sign off.

349
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:09,748
Remember me

350
00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:10,999
dirtbag?

351
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:15,254
( clanking )

352
00:13:31,061 --> 00:13:32,187
( gun cocks )

353
00:13:35,274 --> 00:13:38,235
Wow, you saved those
kids' lives, Mr. Downs.

354
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,361
All in a day's work.

355
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:40,904
Remember, if you
ever need me

356
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,155
just blow this whistle.

357
00:13:42,239 --> 00:13:43,949
Or call John Stossel's
cell phone.

358
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,701
Hugh Downs away!

359
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,247
Oh, honey, thank God
you're safe.

360
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,373
We were so worried.

361
00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:53,792
We now go to Junior
Anchor Neil Goldman

362
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:55,252
with exclusive
Channel 5 footage

363
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,879
from today's
exciting scene.

364
00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:58,839
Thank you, Diane.

365
00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:01,008
There may have been some sort
of commotion on the rooftop

366
00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:02,676
but the real story

367
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:06,722
was inside the mouths
of Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman

368
00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:10,017
where a meeting of the tongues,
a summit of saliva

369
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:13,812
established
a new world order of love.

370
00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:14,980
( screams )

371
00:14:17,566 --> 00:14:20,068
Let's watch it one more time
in super slo-mo.

372
00:14:20,152 --> 00:14:23,488
This is where we
cease to be Meg and Neil

373
00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:26,700
and begin life anew as Meil.

374
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:28,744
Oh, my God, he put it on TV.

375
00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:30,704
Oh, isn't
that cute, Peter?

376
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:32,206
Our daughter's
first love.

377
00:14:32,289 --> 00:14:33,874
I just want to kill myself!

378
00:14:33,957 --> 00:14:36,793
I'm going upstairs right now
and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.

379
00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:39,922
I'm allergic to peanuts.

380
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:42,883
You don't know anything
about me!

381
00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:45,928
Who was that guy?

382
00:14:47,471 --> 00:14:48,555
I say, Constable

383
00:14:48,639 --> 00:14:49,765
I'd like to report

384
00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:50,974
the theft of my tricycle.

385
00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:53,101
Oh, look at the little baby.

386
00:14:53,185 --> 00:14:54,561
Aren't you cute?

387
00:14:54,645 --> 00:14:56,438
Where's your mommy?

388
00:14:56,522 --> 00:14:58,315
How dare you
condescend to me?

389
00:14:58,398 --> 00:14:59,733
I demand justice!

390
00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:01,318
I'm here to turn
myself in.

391
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,986
I have a dismembered
Baltic hooker

392
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:04,780
bleeding through
the tarp in my trunk.

393
00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:06,532
Oh, look at
the little baby.

394
00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:08,158
Aren't you cute?

395
00:15:08,242 --> 00:15:09,826
Where's your mommy?

396
00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:11,036
( groans )

397
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,873
( snickering )

398
00:15:21,213 --> 00:15:22,339
Where did you
get that shirt?

399
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,590
Neil's giving them out.

400
00:15:23,674 --> 00:15:25,133
Hello, lover.

401
00:15:25,217 --> 00:15:26,927
Neil, what are you doing?

402
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:28,262
I'm not your lover.

403
00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:29,429
I don't even like you.

404
00:15:29,513 --> 00:15:31,807
Meg, I strongly suggest
you hold my hand

405
00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:33,600
lest you look like a slut.

406
00:15:33,684 --> 00:15:35,102
Listen, you freak!

407
00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:37,521
Tell these people that there's nothing
going on between us.

408
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,022
Oh, don't be afraid
of the fire, Meg.

409
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:41,525
I won't let you burn.

410
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:42,860
( groans )

411
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:44,903
Al, why haven't
I leaped?

412
00:15:44,987 --> 00:15:46,864
Uh, Ziggy says
you can't leap

413
00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:48,156
until she loves you back.

414
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:49,324
Don't worry.
I'll get her.

415
00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:52,953
So what were you
wanting to work on?

416
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,079
Cardio, upper body, what?

417
00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:55,622
Upper body, definitely.

418
00:15:55,706 --> 00:15:57,624
I-I need to get buff
so I can get my tricycle back.

419
00:15:57,708 --> 00:15:59,626
Well, luckily we're running
a special right now

420
00:15:59,710 --> 00:16:00,836
for the next 17 minutes.

421
00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:03,422
Uh, okay, well, that's,
that's a little unusual

422
00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:04,798
but, uh, okay, well, tell me.

423
00:16:04,882 --> 00:16:06,133
Okay, well, the normal plan

424
00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,385
is 78 months at 40 a month
and 200 down.

425
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,095
Watch this, forget the down,
are you watching?

426
00:16:10,179 --> 00:16:12,556
-Uh...
-Good-bye 40 a month, let's do 35.

427
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,766
Okay, 35, all right, now, now,
that's the cheapest?

428
00:16:14,850 --> 00:16:16,185
Yeah, hang on, hang on.

429
00:16:16,268 --> 00:16:18,187
Trace, can you bring me
some of those free gym bags?

430
00:16:18,312 --> 00:16:19,563
-Thanks.
-Gosh, you know, I-I, you know

431
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,565
I could probably just
do push ups at home.

432
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,817
Well, let's start you
off with the complete body fat test

433
00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:25,903
-maybe a heart rate...
-You're actually not hearing me.

434
00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:27,196
I don't think
this is for me.

435
00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:28,363
Um, thanks anyway

436
00:16:28,447 --> 00:16:30,282
and, uh, for the future...

437
00:16:30,365 --> 00:16:32,326
( whispering ):
you came on a little strong.

438
00:16:36,371 --> 00:16:37,831
What's going on here?

439
00:16:37,915 --> 00:16:40,250
Oh, we invited Neil's
family over for dinner.

440
00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:41,460
Hi.
Hello.

441
00:16:41,543 --> 00:16:42,753
You what?!

442
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,505
Yeah, we wanted to get
to know them better.

443
00:16:44,588 --> 00:16:46,256
Seeing as how the two
of you will one day

444
00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:47,883
bless our home with
the pitter-patter

445
00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:49,718
of sweet little grandchildren
as ugly as sin.

446
00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:50,969
Meg, you never told me

447
00:16:51,053 --> 00:16:53,055
your mother was such
a stone-cold fox.

448
00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:54,306
Now I see where
you get it.

449
00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:55,599
( chuckles )

450
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:56,725
Meg, he's so charming.

451
00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:59,019
My name is Chris.

452
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:01,438
I'm supposed to be on
my best behavior tonight

453
00:17:01,522 --> 00:17:03,482
and not mention pooh.

454
00:17:03,565 --> 00:17:06,193
Oh, God,
what have I done?!

455
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:07,528
Well...

456
00:17:07,611 --> 00:17:08,779
let's eat.

457
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,739
I think it's very, very nice

458
00:17:10,822 --> 00:17:13,158
that our children
had this wonderful kiss.

459
00:17:13,242 --> 00:17:15,827
I remember when Muriel
and I had our first kiss

460
00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:17,496
and it was just awful.

461
00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:19,373
Oh, just awful.

462
00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:20,958
We were both very sick.

463
00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:22,292
Weren't we, dear?

464
00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:24,545
Oh, we were
terribly sick.

465
00:17:24,628 --> 00:17:27,005
We were both 14,
and it was winter

466
00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:29,424
and we had terrible
head colds.

467
00:17:29,508 --> 00:17:31,844
Yes, mine especially
was very bad.

468
00:17:31,927 --> 00:17:34,847
I had terrible mucus coming
out from inside my nose

469
00:17:34,930 --> 00:17:36,139
and the other children

470
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:38,058
they were very nasty to me
about that.

471
00:17:38,141 --> 00:17:40,143
They said bad,
hurtful things to me.

472
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,271
They called me Tasty-Cakes

473
00:17:42,354 --> 00:17:45,983
and they would beat me
and stick pine cones in my ass.

474
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:48,068
Those were very bad times.

475
00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:50,070
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

476
00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:51,655
Thank you very much.

477
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:52,906
Excuse me.

478
00:17:52,990 --> 00:17:54,366
I'm going to go throw up.

479
00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:57,077
Ah, please flush
the toilet twice.

480
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,288
Once for the bulk and
again for the remainder.

481
00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:00,539
Thank you.

482
00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:01,748
Oh, she's a dear.

483
00:18:01,832 --> 00:18:03,584
( chuckling )

484
00:18:05,294 --> 00:18:07,504
Hey, you're blocking my light,
you stupid baby.

485
00:18:07,588 --> 00:18:09,173
You know, my hooligan friend

486
00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:11,967
I've been racking my brain
in a thus far fruitless attempt

487
00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:13,468
to resolve our recent
unpleasantness.

488
00:18:13,552 --> 00:18:15,429
Then it dawned on me.

489
00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:19,016
Your cruelty merely stems from
some deep-seated inner pain.

490
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:22,102
So the obvious remedy is
a healthy dose of outer pain!

491
00:18:25,981 --> 00:18:28,901
Schoolchildren washing cars
to raise money for charity.

492
00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:30,402
Is there anything
more arousing?

493
00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:33,155
Finally, we go to Meg Griffin
for a special Channel Five

494
00:18:33,238 --> 00:18:35,949
Junior Anchor segment
on the moon. Meg?

495
00:18:36,033 --> 00:18:37,409
MEG:
The moon.

496
00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:39,453
There's a reason
no one goes there.

497
00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:41,788
It's cold.
And it's ugly.

498
00:18:41,872 --> 00:18:44,750
And its surface is plagued with
deep craters and jagged peaks.

499
00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,543
( gasps ):
Oh, wait.

500
00:18:46,627 --> 00:18:47,711
That's not the moon.

501
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:50,255
It's Neil Goldman's face.

502
00:18:50,339 --> 00:18:53,717
Recently, many of you saw me
kissing this freak of nature.

503
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,928
But if I didn't think I was
seconds away from death

504
00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:57,262
I would've never done it.

505
00:18:57,346 --> 00:18:59,014
I mean, who in their
right mind would?

506
00:18:59,097 --> 00:19:01,767
Well, I went to the streets
to find out.

507
00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:02,976
Would you kiss this guy?

508
00:19:03,060 --> 00:19:04,144
Ugh, no.

509
00:19:04,228 --> 00:19:05,354
No way.

510
00:19:05,437 --> 00:19:06,563
No.
No.

511
00:19:06,647 --> 00:19:07,689
No.
No.

512
00:19:07,773 --> 00:19:08,899
Ugh! God, no.

513
00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:10,400
What's the matter with you? Oh!

514
00:19:10,484 --> 00:19:12,986
It's official:
Neil Goldman is unkissable.

515
00:19:13,070 --> 00:19:14,196
Hear that, Neil?

516
00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:15,572
I don't like you
and I never will!

517
00:19:15,656 --> 00:19:16,865
Back to you, Tom.

518
00:19:16,949 --> 00:19:17,950
Thank you, Meg.

519
00:19:18,033 --> 00:19:19,451
I guess beggars
can be choosers.

520
00:19:19,535 --> 00:19:20,744
And now this.

521
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:25,749
Well, well, isn't this
a darling picture?

522
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,918
Let me go, man.

523
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:29,419
Tell me, how old are you,
Charlie?

524
00:19:29,503 --> 00:19:31,255
Seven.
Seven?

525
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:33,841
Well, my, my,
you're practically a lady.

526
00:19:33,924 --> 00:19:36,468
Ironic that your fate is
in the hands of an infant.

527
00:19:36,552 --> 00:19:38,220
Now tell me where
my tricycle is!

528
00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:39,304
I don't know.

529
00:19:39,388 --> 00:19:40,472
I lost it.

530
00:19:40,556 --> 00:19:42,015
Ow!

531
00:19:42,099 --> 00:19:44,518
Very well, I have other ways
of obtaining the truth.

532
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:48,355
( crying ):
No! Don't!

533
00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:49,606
Stewie...

534
00:19:49,690 --> 00:19:50,774
look what I found.

535
00:19:50,858 --> 00:19:52,609
My trikey!

536
00:19:52,693 --> 00:19:54,611
What's going on
down here?

537
00:19:54,695 --> 00:19:56,321
Oh, we're playing house.

538
00:19:56,405 --> 00:19:58,448
That boy is all tied up.

539
00:19:58,532 --> 00:20:01,368
Roman Polanski's house.

540
00:20:02,870 --> 00:20:04,204
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

541
00:20:04,288 --> 00:20:06,248
Our top story,
the President has been shot.

542
00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:07,916
( clears throat )

543
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,044
Tragedy strikes the nation.
The President has been shot.

544
00:20:11,128 --> 00:20:12,838
What's the President doing
in this casket?

545
00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:14,214
We'll tell you right after this.

546
00:20:14,298 --> 00:20:16,383
Hey, Meg, nice job on
that report last night.

547
00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:18,302
Wow, thanks,
Mr. Tucker.

548
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:21,430
That means so much coming from
someone as handsome as yourself.

549
00:20:21,513 --> 00:20:23,432
Say, how'd you like to pick up
a handsome man's dry cleaning?

550
00:20:23,515 --> 00:20:25,350
Well, sure.

551
00:20:25,434 --> 00:20:26,852
But isn't that Neil's job?

552
00:20:26,935 --> 00:20:28,604
Little jerk hasn't
been in all day.

553
00:20:28,687 --> 00:20:29,730
He hasn't?

554
00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:31,023
We've got a breaking story!

555
00:20:31,106 --> 00:20:32,691
There's some geek
on top of town hall

556
00:20:32,774 --> 00:20:33,859
and he's about to jump.

557
00:20:35,110 --> 00:20:36,778
Oh, my God! Neil!

558
00:20:36,862 --> 00:20:38,238
Is it Neil?

559
00:20:38,322 --> 00:20:40,032
Huh, I've been calling
him Ned all week.

560
00:20:41,617 --> 00:20:43,827
Oh, my God.
Neil, please don't jump.

561
00:20:43,911 --> 00:20:46,246
I was just a piece of eye candy

562
00:20:46,330 --> 00:20:48,832
that she turned
into an all-day sucker.

563
00:20:52,252 --> 00:20:53,295
( gasps )

564
00:20:53,378 --> 00:20:54,379
Mr. Tucker!

565
00:20:54,463 --> 00:20:55,672
Thank God you're here.

566
00:20:55,756 --> 00:20:57,049
Someone's got
to do something.

567
00:20:57,132 --> 00:20:58,550
He's going to fall!
I'm on it, Meg.

568
00:20:58,634 --> 00:21:00,511
Hey, have that cartoon
sound effect guy

569
00:21:00,594 --> 00:21:03,305
cue up the
( falling bomb whistle )

570
00:21:03,388 --> 00:21:05,140
and then top it off
with a ( squish )

571
00:21:05,224 --> 00:21:06,725
and if there's time
before commercial

572
00:21:06,808 --> 00:21:09,645
be ready with a
wah-wah-wah-wah.

573
00:21:09,728 --> 00:21:10,812
Oh, my God.

574
00:21:10,896 --> 00:21:12,648
You don't care about
him at all, do you?

575
00:21:12,731 --> 00:21:14,566
All you care about are
your stupid ratings.

576
00:21:14,650 --> 00:21:16,610
You're a horrible man.

577
00:21:16,693 --> 00:21:18,362
Neil, I'm sorry!

578
00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:19,613
Meg?

579
00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:20,781
Uh-oh.

580
00:21:20,864 --> 00:21:22,324
There he goes.
( gasps )

581
00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:24,201
Good stuff, good stuff,
good stuff, good stuff!

582
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:25,494
Neil!

583
00:21:25,577 --> 00:21:26,620
( thud )

584
00:21:26,703 --> 00:21:27,704
Meg.

585
00:21:27,788 --> 00:21:29,498
You do care.

586
00:21:29,581 --> 00:21:31,291
Don't read too much
into this, Neil.

587
00:21:31,375 --> 00:21:32,709
Well, it's hard not to

588
00:21:32,793 --> 00:21:35,087
when I'm lying right
on top of you.

589
00:21:35,170 --> 00:21:37,464
Look, just because
you're repulsive

590
00:21:37,548 --> 00:21:39,758
and probably the most annoying
person on the planet--

591
00:21:39,842 --> 00:21:41,677
and I'm not the only
person who thinks so--

592
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,054
that doesn't mean I want you to go
and kill yourself.

593
00:21:44,137 --> 00:21:45,889
Ah, thanks, Meg.

594
00:21:45,973 --> 00:21:47,808
But I was never really
planning to jump.

595
00:21:47,891 --> 00:21:49,268
Wasn't going
to jump?

596
00:21:49,351 --> 00:21:50,644
You're a phony!

597
00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:52,020
Hey, everybody!

598
00:21:52,104 --> 00:21:54,147
This guy's a
great big phony!