1
00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:05,506
♪♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪♪

2
00:00:05,589 --> 00:00:08,592
♪♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪♪

3
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:11,595
♪♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪♪

4
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:15,015
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪

5
00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:18,644
♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪

6
00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:21,855
♪♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪♪

7
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,357
♪♪ All the things
that make us ♪♪

8
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,067
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪

9
00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:30,030
♪♪ He's...
a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪

10
00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:37,371
Look, Meg, I'm that pretty
dark-haired figure skater

11
00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:38,664
with the horse teeth.

12
00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:40,332
You know, the one who got

13
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:41,542
what she had coming.

14
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:42,793
Nice figure eight, Mom.

15
00:00:50,592 --> 00:00:52,553
All right.

16
00:00:52,636 --> 00:00:55,305
Okay, Bonnie,
one two, three, push.

17
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,390
( yelling )

18
00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:04,731
( cracking )

19
00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:06,275
My God, I can walk.

20
00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:07,693
It's a mira...!

21
00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:09,736
Sorry, Dad.

22
00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:11,697
Just get the chair.

23
00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:15,200
Good shot.

24
00:01:15,284 --> 00:01:17,953
Made my brown eye blue
with that one.

25
00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:19,663
Next one's coming
for your head.

26
00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:20,873
Oh, no.

27
00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:22,416
No, help!
Oh, help!

28
00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:24,209
What the hell?

29
00:01:24,293 --> 00:01:25,878
Now is the winter
of your discontent.

30
00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:29,464
Hey, Chris,
you want to race?

31
00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,341
On your mark,
get set, go.

32
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,510
First one to the marker
where that Pakistani girl

33
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,345
fell through the ice
after coming to the States

34
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,306
to get treatment for her
severely burned face

35
00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:39,391
which she got when the man
she refused to marry

36
00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:40,726
dumped sulfuric acid
on her wins.

37
00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:42,477
I win.
Yes! Yes!

38
00:01:42,561 --> 00:01:45,230
In your face.
In your face!

39
00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:47,524
In my face.
In my face.

40
00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:49,860
( yells )

41
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,069
Oh, no, Acid Girl!

42
00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:52,154
It's Acid Girl!

43
00:01:54,656 --> 00:01:57,659
( girls chanting ):
...James Woods High

44
00:01:57,743 --> 00:01:59,328
I am high on James Woods High.

45
00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:00,662
Hey, guys.

46
00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:01,872
What do you want, Meg?

47
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,832
I'm here to try out
for cheerleading.

48
00:02:03,916 --> 00:02:05,667
Peter Rabbit
would be wise

49
00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:07,211
to stay out of
Mr. MacGregor's garden.

50
00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:08,962
Why don't you try
the flag girl squad?

51
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,387
Are you trying out
for flag girl?

52
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,556
( garbled )

53
00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:26,563
Yes! I win again, Andy.

54
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:27,898
Come on, mate.

55
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,942
One more before
the missus notices

56
00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:31,818
I'm not snoozing
on the couch.

57
00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:33,403
Too late.

58
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:37,824
Hey, careful, Quagmire.

59
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:38,992
Don't get too close

60
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,452
to that thing.

61
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:42,496
What the hell.

62
00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:43,872
Did I just get laid?

63
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:44,998
Nice game, Peter.

64
00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:46,124
Yeah, I'm on a roll.

65
00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:48,168
I whipped Chris
on the ice today, too.

66
00:02:48,252 --> 00:02:49,837
Enjoy it while it lasts.

67
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,756
It's only a matter of time
before he beats you.

68
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:53,882
What are you talking about?

69
00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:55,592
I'm better than him
at everything.

70
00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:56,969
You name it--
sports, video games

71
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,053
even magic tricks.

72
00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,390
Ha, ha, got your nose.

73
00:03:01,473 --> 00:03:02,558
Oh, yeah?

74
00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,142
Well, I got your face.

75
00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:06,478
( screaming )

76
00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:08,814
Calm down, Chris.

77
00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,899
It's only a trick.

78
00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:12,609
Face it, Peter,
sooner or later

79
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:14,653
you're going to have
to pass the torch.

80
00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:16,738
I remember the first time
Kevin beat me.

81
00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:18,282
I was so proud of him.

82
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:21,076
I gave him a little congratulatory punch
in the arm...

83
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:22,202
and then another

84
00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:24,162
and then everything
got a little hazy.

85
00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:26,498
Kevin went to live with
a foster family for a while.

86
00:03:26,582 --> 00:03:27,791
Anyway, it's inevitable.

87
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,168
Oh, don't feel bad, Joe.

88
00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:31,545
I think I know why
your son beat you.

89
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:34,548
Apparently, you're a 12-year-old
prepubescent girl.

90
00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:36,425
Which is good

91
00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:38,969
'cause I finally have someone to give this
training bra to.

92
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,262
Here you go, Josephina.

93
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,806
Does that feel good on
your new budding bosoms?

94
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,892
( high-pitched voice ):
It sure does, Mr...

95
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,101
Get the hell off of me!

96
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:50,397
Well, Rudolph, we finally
figured out

97
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:51,982
what makes
your nose red.

98
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,568
Is it pixie dust,
or leprechaun tails?

99
00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:55,736
No, it's a tumor.

100
00:03:55,819 --> 00:03:57,863
You mean like a magical
Christmas tumor?

101
00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:59,489
No, a malignant tumor--

102
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:02,409
the base of which is lodged
deep within your brain.

103
00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,077
Oh.

104
00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:05,871
Like a happy, special...

105
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:07,706
You're going to die.

106
00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:10,667
Hey, everybody,
guess what I am.

107
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,420
The end result of a drunken
backseat grope-fest

108
00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:14,922
and a broken prophylactic?

109
00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:17,174
I'm on the flag girl squad.

110
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,384
Oh, honey,
congratulations.

111
00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:21,553
Hey, Chris, I bet
you can't do this.

112
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:23,847
I bet I can.

113
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,058
We perform at all
the football games.

114
00:04:26,141 --> 00:04:27,809
I'm practically
a cheerleader.

115
00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:29,102
Oh, Meg,
that's wonderful.

116
00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:30,854
Isn't that
wonderful, Peter?

117
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,231
Yeah. Way to go, Stewie.

118
00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:33,899
All right, Chris,
I'll see you a fork

119
00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:35,317
and raise you
a gravy ladle.

120
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:36,735
You're on.

121
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:38,237
So, you're
a flag girl.

122
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,404
That's great, Meg.

123
00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:41,031
Yes, yes.

124
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,991
Now you can be
somewhere else

125
00:04:43,075 --> 00:04:44,660
when the boys
don't call.

126
00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:47,829
( snickering )

127
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:49,873
All right, saltshaker
up the nose.

128
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,959
I've got pepper.

129
00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:53,418
( loud sneeze )

130
00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:54,586
( laughing)

131
00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:56,421
Yes! I win!

132
00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:57,714
That was fun, Dad.

133
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:58,799
I'm the man!

134
00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:00,968
Yeah! Yea...

135
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:04,429
Um, Lois, go get
the medical dictionary

136
00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:07,140
and look up
fork and lung.

137
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:08,517
Why?

138
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:09,601
Time's a factor, Lois.

139
00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:16,275
Say, Meg,
looking sharp.

140
00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:18,819
You want to go out
after the game tonight?

141
00:05:18,902 --> 00:05:20,279
Neal, I'm a flag girl now.

142
00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,489
I'm way too cool
to be seen with you.

143
00:05:22,573 --> 00:05:23,782
Really?

144
00:05:23,866 --> 00:05:27,494
Not even if I smoke
this corncob pipe?

145
00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,004
Hey, you guys.

146
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:39,423
Are we all ready to cheer at the
game tonight?

147
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:40,883
We?

148
00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:43,218
You made flag girl, huh?

149
00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:44,928
Yes. So this morning
my mom was all like

150
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,346
"Meg, don't forget
your lunch."

151
00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:48,182
And I'm all like,
"Mom, I'm a flag girl now.

152
00:05:48,265 --> 00:05:49,558
I'm not going
to forget my lunch."

153
00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,143
And she's all like,
"Meg, don't forget

154
00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:52,644
your half-time routine
at the game."

155
00:05:52,728 --> 00:05:54,313
Moms.

156
00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:57,107
Hey, maybe we could all, like, hang out
after the game.

157
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:58,567
Go, team!

158
00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,695
Uncool people
are like animals.

159
00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:04,615
You want to go feed the science club
after school?

160
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,204
( whistle blowing )

161
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,710
Look at me.

162
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:18,795
Look at me.
I'm smoking.

163
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,048
Dog, Dog, look.

164
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:23,217
You know, alcohol doesn't
really make you warmer.

165
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,511
In fact, it constricts
the blood vessels, causing...

166
00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:26,929
Shut up.

167
00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:28,847
The dog just told me
to shut up.

168
00:06:28,931 --> 00:06:31,475
I demand to know what
you plan to do about this.

169
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,268
Hey, hey, the dog
just told me...

170
00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:34,937
Be quiet, Stewie.

171
00:06:37,356 --> 00:06:38,982
Freezing my nips
off out here.

172
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:40,317
Oh, look, there's Meg.

173
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,902
Meg.

174
00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:43,111
Meg!

175
00:06:43,529 --> 00:06:44,947
Meg!

176
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:46,907
Meg!

177
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,201
Hi, there.

178
00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:50,285
Hi, Meg.

179
00:06:50,369 --> 00:06:51,828
Here we go.

180
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,748
( marching band playing
"Electric Avenue" )

181
00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:06,134
Peter, isn't she beautiful?

182
00:07:06,218 --> 00:07:07,928
Yeah, but I think
she's with that guy.

183
00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:09,680
They've been holding
hands all night.

184
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,473
I mean Meg.

185
00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:12,850
Oh, oh, yeah.

186
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,351
Yeah, she's hot.

187
00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:18,313
Aw, this meat stinks
something fierce.

188
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,983
This ought to knock her
down a couple notches.

189
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:28,073
( crowd gasping )

190
00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:31,201
( all laughing )

191
00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:32,661
Yay, Meg.

192
00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,956
I love how these kids
celebrate these days.

193
00:07:39,168 --> 00:07:40,210
What do you got?

194
00:07:40,294 --> 00:07:41,587
What do you got, huh?

195
00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:43,046
Come on.

196
00:07:44,548 --> 00:07:46,300
Come on, ref.
That's charging.

197
00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,260
Your feet were
moving. No foul.

198
00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:49,386
No foul?

199
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:50,721
There's a stupid call.

200
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,764
And I know something
about stupid calls.

201
00:07:52,848 --> 00:07:54,474
( phone ringing )

202
00:07:54,558 --> 00:07:55,976
Hello.

203
00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:58,020
Peter: Lois, I can't take out
the garbage

204
00:07:58,103 --> 00:08:01,273
because I'm at the office
and they're making me stay late.

205
00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:03,483
Peter, the caller ID says
you're calling from the kitchen.

206
00:08:03,609 --> 00:08:05,569
In fact, I can see you.

207
00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:06,778
Can you see me now?

208
00:08:06,862 --> 00:08:07,863
No.

209
00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:09,198
Okay, now
I'm at the office.

210
00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:11,491
The score's tied.
Next basket wins.

211
00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:13,285
Chris, you might finally
beat your old man.

212
00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:14,953
What are you talking
about "old man"?

213
00:08:15,037 --> 00:08:16,330
I'm the white Larry Bird.

214
00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:17,497
What do you got?

215
00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:19,625
What do you got, huh?
Come on.

216
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,627
Your mother and I
are getting a divorce.

217
00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:22,711
You are?

218
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:24,546
Yes! Yes!

219
00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:26,715
Oh, no, we worked it out.

220
00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:27,883
Yes!

221
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:29,551
Well, son, you played good

222
00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:31,762
but your dad is
still number one.

223
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:35,057
Yeah, I don't think
I'll ever beat you.

224
00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:37,726
Hey, Chris, what's
with your leg?

225
00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:38,977
Oh, my God!

226
00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:40,103
That's not your leg!

227
00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:49,029
( Peter groaning )

228
00:08:49,112 --> 00:08:50,280
What's wrong, honey?

229
00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:51,573
I'll tell you
what's wrong.

230
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:52,908
I'm trying to make
love to you

231
00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:54,576
and you're thinking
about Chris.

232
00:08:54,660 --> 00:08:56,161
Peter, is there something
you need to tell me?

233
00:08:56,245 --> 00:08:58,705
Thanks to you, our son
has a huge wang.

234
00:08:58,789 --> 00:08:59,998
Thanks to me?

235
00:09:00,082 --> 00:09:01,917
Well, he didn't
get it from me.

236
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,252
What are you
talking about?

237
00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:04,378
I'll show you.

238
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:08,882
All right, stand back, Lois.

239
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,759
Oh, my.

240
00:09:10,843 --> 00:09:12,511
Well, no wonder
he's always slouching.

241
00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:13,762
How the hell
did this happen?

242
00:09:13,846 --> 00:09:15,639
I'm supposed to be
the man of the house.

243
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,182
You must be
so ashamed of me.

244
00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:20,185
Oh, Peter, I care as much about the
size of your penis

245
00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:22,396
as you care about
the size of my breasts.

246
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:23,856
Oh, my God!

247
00:09:27,818 --> 00:09:30,195
Meg, honey, you can't let those awful kids
get to you.

248
00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:31,446
Oh, they won't.

249
00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:32,614
Because I'm never
going back

250
00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:33,740
to that school again.

251
00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:35,450
Dad, after dinner

252
00:09:35,534 --> 00:09:37,411
could you help me
with my algebra?

253
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:38,745
Hey, you're
a big man.

254
00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:39,872
You figure it out.

255
00:09:39,955 --> 00:09:41,415
You know, I bet
there's a part of you

256
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,292
that really wants
to be friends with them.

257
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:44,626
Maybe.

258
00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:45,961
So, be nice to them.

259
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:48,297
Win your enemies over
with unflappable kindness.

260
00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:49,590
Chris, drink
your milk.

261
00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:51,133
It'll make you
big and strong.

262
00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:52,718
No! No more milk
for him, Lois!

263
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:53,802
He's had enough!

264
00:09:53,886 --> 00:09:55,470
Give me that.

265
00:09:55,554 --> 00:09:58,098
Meghan, you must
try the brisket.

266
00:09:58,182 --> 00:09:59,683
Allow me to serve it
in the manner

267
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:00,976
to which you're accustomed.

268
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,605
Come talk to me sometime,
sweetheart.

269
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,940
I know what it takes
to be cool.

270
00:10:09,318 --> 00:10:12,321
She packed my bags...

271
00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:14,698
last night-- preflight.

272
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:20,078
Zero hour-- 9:00 a.m.

273
00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:27,169
And I'm gonna be high...

274
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:34,676
as a kite by then.

275
00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:44,228
( Elton John's
"Rocket Man" playing )

276
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:47,356
♪♪ And I think it's gonna be
a long, long time ♪♪

277
00:10:47,439 --> 00:10:50,442
♪♪ Till touchdown brings me
round again to find ♪♪

278
00:10:50,526 --> 00:10:53,487
♪♪ I'm not the man
they think I am at home ♪♪

279
00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:55,739
♪♪ Oh, no, no, no... ♪♪

280
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:59,409
♪♪ I'm a Rocket Man ♪♪

281
00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:04,998
♪♪ Rocket Man, burning out
his fuse out here alone ♪♪

282
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:12,923
♪♪ And I think it's going to be
a long, long time ♪♪

283
00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:15,926
♪♪ Till touchdown brings me
round again to find ♪♪

284
00:11:16,051 --> 00:11:18,804
♪♪ I'm not the man
they think I am at home ♪♪

285
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,390
♪♪ Oh, no, no, no ♪♪

286
00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:25,102
♪♪ I'm a Rock-It-Man ♪♪

287
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:29,815
♪♪ Rocket Man, burning out
his fuse up here alone. ♪♪

288
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:39,658
Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff.

289
00:11:44,288 --> 00:11:45,622
Hi, you guys.

290
00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:47,833
Oh, God,
it's her.

291
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,835
Look, about
the other night...

292
00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:51,211
Oh, that was
hilarious.

293
00:11:51,295 --> 00:11:53,714
I just wish I'd
known ahead of time.

294
00:11:53,797 --> 00:11:55,340
I would have brought
potato salad.

295
00:11:55,424 --> 00:11:56,425
( laughs )

296
00:11:56,508 --> 00:11:57,509
( chuckles)

297
00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:00,304
Hey, you guys want
tomorrow's Biology test?

298
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,055
Whoa! How'd
you get that?

299
00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:03,724
I spent the night
with Mr. Burler.

300
00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:10,772
Ah, the sun's up.

301
00:12:10,856 --> 00:12:12,399
I'm safe for
another night.

302
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:13,775
Thanks, Meg.

303
00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:15,527
Wow. Thanks.

304
00:12:15,611 --> 00:12:16,695
See ya.

305
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,322
That was kind of cool.

306
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:19,406
Yeah.

307
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:20,949
I'm bored.

308
00:12:21,033 --> 00:12:22,534
Hey, you want to go
push the janitor

309
00:12:22,618 --> 00:12:24,161
knowing he can't
legally push us back?

310
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:25,245
Sure.

311
00:12:25,329 --> 00:12:26,538
Awesome.

312
00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:27,623
Okay, cool.

313
00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:32,336
Hey, Dad, look at
these little bananas.

314
00:12:32,628 --> 00:12:33,754
( laughs )

315
00:12:33,837 --> 00:12:35,923
Why, you smug
little bastard.

316
00:12:36,006 --> 00:12:37,132
Peter!

317
00:12:37,216 --> 00:12:39,134
Chris, these
are plantains

318
00:12:39,218 --> 00:12:42,137
and there's nothing
wrong with them.

319
00:12:42,221 --> 00:12:44,389
In fact, a lot of women
prefer them

320
00:12:44,473 --> 00:12:48,143
to normal-sized bananas
because they're exotic

321
00:12:48,227 --> 00:12:50,979
and flavorful
and very, very special.

322
00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:53,357
Oh, yeah, sure, Lois,
all the sorority girls

323
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,484
are clamoring for
the plantain section.

324
00:12:55,567 --> 00:12:56,902
Stop with this.

325
00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:59,613
Look, Peter, you're overreacting
to this Chris stuff.

326
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:02,032
I mean, mine goes inside
of me when I stand up.

327
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,408
How do you think I feel?

328
00:13:03,492 --> 00:13:04,535
Is Dad mad at me?

329
00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:05,869
Oh, of course
not, honey.

330
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:07,579
Now go pick out
a box of cereal

331
00:13:07,663 --> 00:13:09,915
and meet me
at the ten-inches-or-less line.

332
00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:11,208
Items!

333
00:13:12,668 --> 00:13:14,461
Nice, huh?

334
00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:17,422
Yeah, you like this?

335
00:13:17,506 --> 00:13:18,841
Stop it, Peter.

336
00:13:18,924 --> 00:13:20,592
You're embarrassing me.

337
00:13:20,676 --> 00:13:22,845
Look, I know you're
upset, but...

338
00:13:22,928 --> 00:13:24,555
Oh, my God.
Where's Stewie?

339
00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:25,639
He's around.

340
00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:27,099
Stewie:
Let me out of this

341
00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:28,934
stink-filled
corduroy dungeon!

342
00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,227
Peter, that's sick!

343
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,563
It's okay. He's outside
the underwear.

344
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:36,567
Enjoy your new car,
Mr. Griffin.

345
00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:38,569
Thanks, Jim.

346
00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:40,821
( engine revving )

347
00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:43,991
( loud rock music playing )

348
00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:50,497
Hey, when you pull that
thing into your garage

349
00:13:50,581 --> 00:13:52,958
does the garage say,
"Is it in yet?"

350
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:54,376
( laughs )

351
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,591
Don't worry, baby.

352
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:01,800
I'll be gentle.

353
00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:10,642
( loud crash )

354
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,312
( all laughing)

355
00:14:17,566 --> 00:14:19,359
Ow, my pride.

356
00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:22,029
Mom, you were right!

357
00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:23,697
I was nice
to the cool kids

358
00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,157
and they didn't spit on me.

359
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:28,035
Connie D'Amico even invited me
to her Sweet 16.

360
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:29,453
Oh, how wonderful.

361
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,622
Now, what time do we nail
those snot-nosed punks?

362
00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:33,248
"Nail them"?

363
00:14:33,332 --> 00:14:35,125
You told me to win them
over with kindness.

364
00:14:35,209 --> 00:14:38,003
Yes, and now that they think
you're their friend

365
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:40,422
it's the perfect time
to exact your revenge.

366
00:14:40,506 --> 00:14:41,632
"Revenge"?

367
00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:43,884
See, Meg, I'm like
one of those bald eagles

368
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:45,636
you see on
the Discovery Channel:

369
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:46,803
beautiful to look at

370
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:48,305
but mess with one of my chicks

371
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,307
and I'll use
my razor-sharp talons

372
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,059
to rip your ( timer dings )
eyes out.

373
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,436
Cookies are done.
Who wants chocolate chip?

374
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:55,521
Ooh, I do.

375
00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:57,064
But keep talking.

376
00:14:57,147 --> 00:15:00,317
All this stuff about eye-gouging
has got me all frisky.

377
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,486
Really, I've got
about a half a pack

378
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:03,737
of Rolaids in my diaper.

379
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,120
I'm glad you're interested

380
00:15:12,204 --> 00:15:13,997
in joining the National Gun
Association, Peter.

381
00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:15,082
Let me show you around.

382
00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:16,834
This is
our shooting range.

383
00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:29,888
And here we have
our locker room

384
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:31,431
with full shower
facilities.

385
00:15:31,515 --> 00:15:35,227
Holy crap, they're all so small.

386
00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:37,396
Well, you see, Peter,
the way we look at it

387
00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:39,606
a man's only as big
as the gun he carries.

388
00:15:39,690 --> 00:15:41,149
Sign me up, Jack

389
00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:43,151
and give me the biggest
freaking gun you got.

390
00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:44,778
Hey, Stewie,
you can come out now.

391
00:15:44,862 --> 00:15:46,363
Ah! Turn off the light.

392
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,240
I'm reading a ghost story.

393
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,745
Pull.

394
00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:55,831
Oh, yeah.

395
00:15:55,914 --> 00:15:58,458
Who's the big
man now, huh?

396
00:15:58,542 --> 00:15:59,918
Madonna or Janet Jackson?

397
00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:01,086
Which Janet Jackson?

398
00:16:01,170 --> 00:16:02,171
Velvet Rope.

399
00:16:02,254 --> 00:16:03,255
Yeah, that one.
Pull!

400
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:05,632
Peter, what the hell
are you doing

401
00:16:05,716 --> 00:16:06,717
with that thing?

402
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:07,926
You want to touch it?

403
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:09,386
Go on. Got to be
careful, though.

404
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,013
You don't want it
to get too excited

405
00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:12,264
and go off in your hair.

406
00:16:12,347 --> 00:16:13,348
This is pathetic.

407
00:16:13,432 --> 00:16:14,433
And all because

408
00:16:14,516 --> 00:16:15,642
you feel inadequate
next to Chris.

409
00:16:15,726 --> 00:16:16,727
Don't be stupid.

410
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:18,228
I don't need to compete
with my son

411
00:16:18,312 --> 00:16:19,563
or his freakishly
large penis.

412
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:20,647
I'm a freak.

413
00:16:20,731 --> 00:16:21,982
Don't despair.

414
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:24,318
Let's just hang a tire
on the end of it

415
00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,695
and head on down
to the old swimming hole.

416
00:16:27,571 --> 00:16:29,740
Okay, listen up.

417
00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:32,201
Connie D'Amico's house
is two stories.

418
00:16:32,284 --> 00:16:35,162
Now, if we set up
booby traps here, here...

419
00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:37,289
How'd you get
these blueprints?

420
00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:39,249
Oh, your mother
has her ways.

421
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:40,501
She has her ways.

422
00:16:40,584 --> 00:16:42,503
Can I have the blueprints
to the D'Amico house?

423
00:16:42,586 --> 00:16:43,587
Sure, here you go.

424
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:46,256
Now, I've put together
a little flash bomb

425
00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:47,883
to create a diversion.

426
00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:50,761
I used to date the pyro guy
from Whitesnake.

427
00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:52,054
What's Whitesnake?

428
00:16:52,137 --> 00:16:55,349
That's the music mommies
and daddies listen to.

429
00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:56,517
Fire in the hole!

430
00:16:59,311 --> 00:17:00,938
Peter, some of the guys
from the club

431
00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:02,147
are going
hunting tomorrow.

432
00:17:02,231 --> 00:17:03,315
Count me in.

433
00:17:03,398 --> 00:17:04,608
Hunting?

434
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,527
I thought you were going
to play hockey with Chris.

435
00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:07,819
Well, you can
bring him along.

436
00:17:07,903 --> 00:17:09,488
Oh, no, it's
too dangerous.

437
00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:13,617
Lois, Lois, the National Gun
Association is all about safety

438
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,078
especially when
it comes to kids.

439
00:17:16,161 --> 00:17:17,621
Take a look
at our new video.

440
00:17:21,834 --> 00:17:23,460
Man:
Let's face it.

441
00:17:23,544 --> 00:17:24,837
Your kids are going
to get into your guns.

442
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:25,921
That's a fact.

443
00:17:26,046 --> 00:17:27,631
Gun accidents can be avoided

444
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,175
by introducing your children
to guns as early as possible.

445
00:17:30,259 --> 00:17:32,594
Hi, I'm Petey
the Pistol.

446
00:17:32,678 --> 00:17:34,763
Say, do you ever
get lonely?

447
00:17:34,847 --> 00:17:36,014
Yes.

448
00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:37,391
Me, too.

449
00:17:37,474 --> 00:17:38,767
Hold me.

450
00:17:38,851 --> 00:17:39,893
If you squeeze me

451
00:17:39,977 --> 00:17:41,562
I make bad people go away.

452
00:17:41,645 --> 00:17:42,896
But wait a minute.

453
00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:44,982
I though guns were bad.

454
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:47,067
Announcer:
Guns are good.

455
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:48,735
In fact, did you know that

456
00:17:48,819 --> 00:17:51,572
Jesus and Moses used guns
to conquer the Romans?

457
00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,826
So, remember, guns
don't kill people--

458
00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:57,619
dangerous minorities do.

459
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,376
See, Lois, they're
responsible.

460
00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:10,883
Hey, check it
out, Chris.

461
00:18:10,966 --> 00:18:12,968
I can write my name
in the snow.

462
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:16,430
This is fun, Dad.

463
00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:18,056
Son, son, I told you

464
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:21,685
out here in the wilderness
call me Rooster Cogburn.

465
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,187
You know, Rooster

466
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:25,397
I was starting to think
you didn't like me anymore.

467
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,024
Chris, look. Tracks.

468
00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:29,318
There must be a deer
around here.

469
00:18:29,401 --> 00:18:31,486
Those are snowmobile tracks.

470
00:18:31,570 --> 00:18:32,571
Shh, there he is.

471
00:18:36,325 --> 00:18:38,035
( gasps )

472
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,121
Ah, such grace.

473
00:18:41,205 --> 00:18:42,956
That's the thing
about hunting.

474
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:44,541
You got to be patient.

475
00:18:44,625 --> 00:18:45,626
( loud growl )

476
00:18:45,709 --> 00:18:46,919
What the hell
was that?

477
00:18:47,002 --> 00:18:48,170
( screams )

478
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:52,549
( dance music playing )

479
00:18:56,887 --> 00:18:58,847
Here, put this in
the heating grate

480
00:18:58,931 --> 00:19:00,641
and set it off
in five minutes.

481
00:19:00,724 --> 00:19:01,725
I changed my mind.

482
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:02,809
I'm not doing it.

483
00:19:02,893 --> 00:19:04,311
These people are
my friends now.

484
00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:05,771
After they pelted
you with meat?

485
00:19:05,854 --> 00:19:06,855
Did you forget how

486
00:19:06,939 --> 00:19:08,232
the neighbor kids
chased after you

487
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,067
and tried to sprinkle
you with Fixin's?

488
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,861
Yes, I did.

489
00:19:12,945 --> 00:19:17,074
Okay, now we're going to play
"Seven Minutes in Heaven"

490
00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:19,451
and it's my party
so I want Doug

491
00:19:19,535 --> 00:19:21,578
to go in the closet
with Meg.

492
00:19:23,956 --> 00:19:26,083
Have fun.

493
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,418
( all giggling )

494
00:19:28,502 --> 00:19:30,754
Okay, everyone, get ready.

495
00:19:30,838 --> 00:19:32,673
Say hello to the lovers.

496
00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:35,384
( screams )

497
00:19:37,469 --> 00:19:40,389
I don't know who should
be more humiliated

498
00:19:40,472 --> 00:19:41,557
Meg or the pig?

499
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:42,724
She's such a dork.

500
00:19:42,808 --> 00:19:44,560
I think I feel worse
for the pig.

501
00:19:44,643 --> 00:19:46,103
( pig squealing )

502
00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:47,563
Mom, you were right.

503
00:19:47,646 --> 00:19:49,940
I should have just
stuck to the plan.

504
00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:51,024
Well, I figured

505
00:19:51,108 --> 00:19:52,734
you might get
soft on me

506
00:19:52,818 --> 00:19:55,988
so I hired an old friend
to scar them for life.

507
00:19:56,071 --> 00:19:57,072
( doorbell rings )

508
00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:58,448
Hey, there, sweetie.

509
00:19:58,532 --> 00:19:59,533
How old are you?

510
00:19:59,616 --> 00:20:00,617
Sixteen.

511
00:20:00,701 --> 00:20:02,327
18? You're first.

512
00:20:02,411 --> 00:20:03,453
Mom?

513
00:20:03,537 --> 00:20:05,455
I like where
this is going.

514
00:20:05,539 --> 00:20:07,499
Giggety-giggety, giggety.

515
00:20:07,583 --> 00:20:08,876
Don't worry, Chris.

516
00:20:08,959 --> 00:20:10,169
I'll handle the bear.

517
00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:11,920
Say hello to Satan for me.

518
00:20:13,881 --> 00:20:15,799
( screams )

519
00:20:15,883 --> 00:20:17,926
It's a boy,
Mrs. Griffin.

520
00:20:18,010 --> 00:20:19,386
I'm afraid the fever

521
00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:21,471
has affected his motor skills,
Mrs. Griffin.

522
00:20:21,555 --> 00:20:23,223
Looks like he's going
to have to repeat

523
00:20:23,307 --> 00:20:24,308
the fourth grade,
Mrs. Griffin.

524
00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:26,476
Looks like he's going
to have to repeat

525
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,145
the fourth grade,
Mrs. Griffin.

526
00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:29,771
The only way
to get rid of them

527
00:20:29,855 --> 00:20:32,816
is with this special shampoo
and a tiny comb, Mr. Griffin.

528
00:20:32,900 --> 00:20:35,819
Congratulations, you've passed
the fourth grade, Mr. Griffin.

529
00:20:35,903 --> 00:20:37,738
Oh, great. Listen, I got
to leave, though.

530
00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:39,031
I'm going hunting
with my son.

531
00:20:39,114 --> 00:20:41,033
Dad, I know what to do.

532
00:20:41,116 --> 00:20:43,952
I saw it on Fox's
When Bears Attack.

533
00:20:44,036 --> 00:20:46,413
Go away! Go on! Get!

534
00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:50,209
Stay tuned
for an all-new Ally McBeal.

535
00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:51,376
Holy crap.

536
00:20:51,460 --> 00:20:53,003
Chris, that
was amazing.

537
00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:54,671
I mean, I just
froze up

538
00:20:54,755 --> 00:20:56,965
but you handled that bear
like a real man.

539
00:20:57,049 --> 00:20:58,425
I'm proud of you, son.

540
00:20:58,509 --> 00:20:59,801
You are?

541
00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:01,553
'Cause I heard
what you said

542
00:21:01,637 --> 00:21:03,096
about my huge...
you know.

543
00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:04,681
Oh, oh, you...

544
00:21:04,765 --> 00:21:06,850
You heard that, huh?

545
00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:08,810
Well, I was just
being stupid.

546
00:21:08,894 --> 00:21:09,895
Take it from me

547
00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:12,314
that thing you got
there is a blessing.

548
00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:14,733
I mean, every guy
you see with a big house

549
00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:16,818
or a fancy car
or a shiny gold tooth

550
00:21:16,902 --> 00:21:19,530
is really just saying,
"Don't look at my penis"

551
00:21:19,613 --> 00:21:21,573
but you'll never have
to worry about that.

552
00:21:21,657 --> 00:21:22,658
Thanks, Dad.

553
00:21:22,741 --> 00:21:24,159
You're the best.

554
00:21:25,202 --> 00:21:28,372
You know, Dad,
I just realized something.

555
00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:29,790
Your name's Peter.

556
00:21:30,082 --> 00:21:31,333
( laughs )

557
00:21:31,416 --> 00:21:32,876
You're right. It is.

558
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,378
( laughs )

559
00:21:34,461 --> 00:21:35,671
Peter.

560
00:21:35,754 --> 00:21:37,881
( both laugh )