1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,337
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

2
00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:08,133
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

3
00:00:08,216 --> 00:00:12,262
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

4
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

5
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

6
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

7
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♪ All the things that make us ♪

8
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪

9
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

10
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I'm glad you're finally getting
your hair cut, Peter.

11
00:00:36,786 --> 00:00:40,040
You were starting to look like
that Bongo from The Beatles.

12
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I am so excited for you to meet Jerry.

13
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He's been cutting my hair for decades.

14
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-I'm like family here.
-How do you do?

15
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Well, that's a fine "how do you do."

16
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-I have a 12:00 with Jerry.
-Oh.

17
00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:53,136
Well, I'm sorry to tell you
this, Mr. Griffin,

18
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but your barber Jerry has passed away.

19
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What? When?

20
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-Recently.
-Jerry.

21
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Oh, that's someone else.

22
00:01:02,812 --> 00:01:05,648
But I can assure you,
we have a wonderful team

23
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:08,360
of lesbians wearing all black
for you to choose from.

24
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No! I want Jerry.

25
00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:13,365
Come on, Peter, it's just a haircut.

26
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Come on, get up. You're embarrassing me.

27
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I'm not gonna. I hate you.

28
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Come on, Peter.

29
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You're acting worse
than the time Chris auditioned

30
00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:23,458
for Stanley Kubrick.

31
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Good day, Mr. Kubrick.

32
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My name is Chris Griffin.

33
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And the following is a loose cutting

34
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from Air Bud: Golden Receiver.

35
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Show me in the rule book
where it says a dog

36
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can't play football.

37
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He ain't gonna walk again.

38
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Doc says he broke his back.

39
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You're gold when you're a retriever.

40
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You're gold when you're a retriever.

41
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Peter, this is Jan. Now you just sit there

42
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while she and I conspiratorially discuss

43
00:02:13,758 --> 00:02:15,385
your haircut in front of you.

44
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(whispering indistinctly)

45
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(laughs)

46
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Okay, Peter, think.
You're a cartoon character.

47
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You can conjure up anything in the world

48
00:02:23,351 --> 00:02:24,894
to get yourself out of this.

49
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So long, Lois and lady
I accidentally called "sir."

50
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The lines are speed.

51
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:42,787
I didn't draw any food or supplies.

52
00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:44,372
I drew that.

53
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Good morning, family.

54
00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:50,920
Peter, why are you wearing that hat?

55
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You look like you're getting ready to ride

56
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a moped in Thailand.

57
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♪ ♪

58
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Oh, God, how does it look wet
and dry at the same time?

59
00:03:17,405 --> 00:03:20,408
You look like if Shelley Duvall
ate Shelley Duvall.

60
00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:22,327
Peter, you have to get a haircut.

61
00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,204
Lois, Jerry's dead.

62
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So I think I'm just gonna
be a long-haired old guy

63
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from here on out.

64
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I'm, like, not mad at his hair.

65
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Sorry, but, like, I would.

66
00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:33,296
You would what?

67
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,757
-And with who?
-Anything. With anybody.

68
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,509
I don't give a horse's tomato.

69
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,386
Okay, come on, guys, it's just hair.

70
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I'm still the same old Peter.

71
00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:43,181
Nothing's gonna change. Oh, I'm late.

72
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The hair doesn't know yet
that he doesn't need

73
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,273
a briefcase for work.

74
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,445
What are we doing here, Dad?

75
00:03:57,529 --> 00:03:59,572
Well, now that I have long, stringy hair,

76
00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:02,033
we're bidding on
an abandoned storage unit.

77
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Gentlemen, the auction is about to begin.

78
00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:06,329
Are we all wearing our cargo shorts?

79
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,915
If so, please rattle
your trinkets and van keys.

80
00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:10,542
(metal clinking)

81
00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:13,211
Very good.
The first unit up for bids today

82
00:04:13,294 --> 00:04:16,548
contains the band members from Sugar Ray.

83
00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:20,051
Every morning there are old guys
bidding for the value

84
00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:22,262
of my bandmates' four gross beds.

85
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Shut the door, baby, don't say a word.

86
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They still got it.
This, Chris.

87
00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:29,477
This is why we got up at 5:00 a.m.

88
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and drove 90 miles to be here.

89
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Hey, Brian, you're just in time.

90
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The fat man's segment is on.

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♪ ♪

92
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PETER:
How would I describe it here?

93
00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:50,665
Well, we're just normal long-haired people

94
00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:52,542
who happen to share a love of soup

95
00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:56,880
and, uh, also vigorous
den-floor tongue dunking.

96
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,549
-(slurping)
-Yeah, honestly the soups

97
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:02,010
are a much bigger part of it
than I was led to believe.

98
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,636
Like, I-I can't stress that enough.

99
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,139
I always have to pee wicked
during the other thing.

100
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,143
There's a framed grandparent photo

101
00:05:10,226 --> 00:05:12,479
watching all that activity in the den.

102
00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,189
I don't know if this is
appropriate for Stewie.

103
00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:17,108
Sorry, I'm just so preoccupied
with Peter's hair.

104
00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:18,526
Every time he comes in a room,

105
00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:20,945
he's accompanied
by the "Aqualung" guitar lick.

106
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,947
("Aqualung" plays)

107
00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:24,908
I'll be out back.

108
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:26,868
("Aqualung" plays)

109
00:05:26,951 --> 00:05:28,661
Forgot my keys.

110
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,497
("Aqualung" plays)

111
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Wrong ones.

112
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-I'll go talk to him.
-Oh, thank you, Brian.

113
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He's probably out by the still.

114
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(insects chirping)

115
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(Southern accent):
You from the QVA?

116
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,179
What the hell?
Peter, it's me, Brian.

117
00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:47,681
Quahog Valley Authority

118
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:50,350
-trying to flood me out of here.
-What is all this?

119
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(regular accent):
It's where I make my liquor

120
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,853
free from government interference.

121
00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:55,063
Here, try a swig.

122
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(coughing)
What's in this?

123
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I have no idea.

124
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I could really use
some government interference.

125
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:04,197
-Uh, it's actually not bad.
-(siren wailing)

126
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,032
It's the police.
Run!

127
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:07,617
(guns cock)

128
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:10,620
Well, don't worry.
I won't get far on foot.

129
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:15,000
(slurring):
Hello? Anyone?

130
00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,794
Man, I'm-I'm starting to think
Peter didn't throw

131
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:19,921
a tennis ball in this direction.

132
00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,256
Crap.

133
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:24,592
I'm lost in the woods, drunk on moonshine.

134
00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:27,721
I guess the only thing to do
is watch Alex Jones videos

135
00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:30,098
at full volume on my phone.

136
00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:32,017
ALEX JONES:
My supplements don't have lead in them.

137
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If your magnet bracelet won't come off,

138
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it's probably something you did.

139
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,231
But now let's get back
to the real news, my friends.

140
00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:41,151
There is a pedophile ring at TCBY.

141
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:44,571
It does not stand for
"The Country's Best Yogurt,"

142
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:48,158
it stands for "Take Children. Boys? Yes."

143
00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:59,252
(groaning)

144
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,129
-Good morning, buddy.
-It's morning?

145
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:02,589
(bleep), you can talk?

146
00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:04,549
Uh, yeah.

147
00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:06,259
Oh, my God.
I knew it.

148
00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:09,262
They told me I was crazy, but I knew it.
(exhales)

149
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:11,723
I've said good morning to,
like, thousands of dogs.

150
00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:14,392
Is this the pound?
How did I get to the pound?

151
00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:16,269
Oh, my God, that's so awesome.

152
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,813
Okay, you were brought to us
as a lost dog,

153
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:21,691
but, good news: we scanned you
and found your microchip.

154
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,443
-I didn't know I was chipped.
-Yep.

155
00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:25,403
So you can go back to your owners,

156
00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:27,697
the Hendersons of Bristol County.

157
00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:31,993
What?
Who are these people?

158
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:33,703
My family is the Griffins.

159
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,622
Well, that's not what your chip says.

160
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:38,291
Man, no one's gonna believe this.

161
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:41,252
Wait, will you record my outgoing message?
Oh, hang on.

162
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:42,671
No one will know you're a dog.

163
00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:44,547
Oh.
Can I record you on mute?

164
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,508
Wait, then no one will hear you can talk.

165
00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:48,343
Okay, we're gonna do something together.

166
00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:51,221
I don't know what it is,
but we're gonna do something.

167
00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:00,271
You still researching your other family?

168
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:02,524
Yeah.
Apparently, they reported me missing

169
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:04,150
right before Peter found me.

170
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:05,944
I just think it's important I understand

171
00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:09,698
who these people were, you know,
as an anthropologist might.

172
00:08:09,781 --> 00:08:12,951
This is a search for
"Hendersons net worth question mark."

173
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:14,703
Ah, sorry, let me go back.

174
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:17,080
That says "Hendersons feet."

175
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,790
"Hendersons daughter."

176
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:21,751
"Hendersons daughter age."
Yikes, Bri.

177
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,628
"Hendersons naked."
Whoa.

178
00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:25,630
"Florence Henderson naked."

179
00:08:25,714 --> 00:08:27,841
Her boobs look like her eyes.

180
00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:29,634
Anyway, I just thought it might be helpful

181
00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:31,261
to reconnect with them.

182
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,805
It's funny, but I-I have no memory
of living with them.

183
00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:35,932
Yeah, sort of like Chris
doesn't remember we stole him

184
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,309
-from a Dutch family.
-What's this, now?

185
00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:40,145
We'll talk about this later.

186
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:43,606
How do I understand what
you're saying to me?!

187
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,401
Oh, Peter, you cut your hair.

188
00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:48,945
It actually got caught
in the garage door opener chain.

189
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,989
Good news is we'll know exactly how far

190
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:52,282
to pull in when we park.

191
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,117
What about the tennis ball?

192
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,202
What tennis ball?

193
00:08:59,122 --> 00:09:01,750
Hey, cool out.
I-I can be your assistant.

194
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:03,752
We can both do it.
Checks and balances.

195
00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:05,420
(screaming)

196
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,395
Okay, Brian, you can do this.

197
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:24,230
The Griffins are still your family.

198
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:26,733
You're just curious
to learn about yourself.

199
00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,860
Yes.
To learn about yourself.

200
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:30,153
(doorbell rings)

201
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,698
Oh, my God, it's you.

202
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,992
-Is this really happening?
-Sure is.

203
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,746
We thought we'd never see you again.

204
00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:41,539
We made a grave for you and everything.

205
00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:43,249
Want to see it?
Want to see your own grave?

206
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:45,085
Um, uh, no, thanks.

207
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,754
Good, 'cause we had to move it
to put in the trampoline anyway.

208
00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:49,297
Come in, come in.

209
00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:54,552
Wow, this place is incredible.

210
00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:57,180
These say "Henderson."
Did you write all these?

211
00:09:57,263 --> 00:10:00,517
Yep. I've written one more book
than James Patterson.

212
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,478
He writes one, I write one more.
That's sort of my thing.

213
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:06,523
Oh, and it looks like you got
some of my favorites over here.

214
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,900
1984.
Chilling.

215
00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:10,902
-Could happen, right?
-Which part?

216
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:14,322
Oh, just all of it.
You know, the... just, the year.

217
00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:17,534
Are you saying the year 1984 could happen?

218
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,994
Ah, and Sense and Sensibility.

219
00:10:20,078 --> 00:10:23,373
Very similar words.
But there is a difference there.

220
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:27,335
Well, I think Ms. Austen meant "sense"
as in the rational mind,

221
00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:30,463
and "sensibility" as in one's preferences,
or irrational mind,

222
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:32,716
so it's kind of a winking
tug-of-war at work.

223
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,843
(chuckles)

224
00:10:34,926 --> 00:10:38,263
Do you have Jaws here?
I-I'd like to talk about Jaws.

225
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:40,181
-By Peter Benchley?
-(chuckles)

226
00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:43,476
No.
No, by Steven Spielberg.

227
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:50,358
Well, that was all pretty unexpected.

228
00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,819
The Hendersons were actually amazing.

229
00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:55,321
I can totally see where I get
my literary chops from.

230
00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:57,157
Ah, uh, can't hear you...

231
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,075
I mean, their kids are at Harvard now.

232
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,327
Yeah, I can't...
I got my music going, so...

233
00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:02,954
Makes me think
I could have gone to Harvard

234
00:11:03,038 --> 00:11:05,123
-if I'd just stuck around.
-(sighs)

235
00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:08,251
Okay, fine.
Not gonna make Sinéad compete with you.

236
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,919
Not gonna do that to her.

237
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,796
I was just thinking,
you know, how different

238
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,798
my life could be if I'd actually grown up

239
00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:15,425
with the right kind of family.

240
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:20,138
Yeah, Bri,
I have that thought sometimes, too.

241
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:21,681
(slurping)

242
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,351
-Oh, hey.
-Hey yourself.

243
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,770
You, uh, working hard or hardly working?

244
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:28,438
Get up here and find out.

245
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:29,731
Uh, Brian, I got to go.

246
00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:31,107
-But, Stewie...
-I got to go!

247
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,568
Hey, you want to get in the pool?

248
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:36,821
Oh, I'd love to,
but I had active diarrhea three days ago.

249
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:40,075
Oh, it's okay,
the lifeguard's totally cool.

250
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,036
(whistle blows)

251
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:43,787
Hey, guys?

252
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,038
Uh-uh.

253
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:50,335
Ah, the weekend scholars.

254
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:52,587
You two tackling your studies?

255
00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:55,131
We're buying tickets to Fyre Fest Two.
You in?

256
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:58,218
You do realize the first one
was a historic failure.

257
00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:00,512
Yeah, but this one's on the moon.

258
00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:02,138
And Brittany Murphy's going!

259
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:04,099
You guys are clearly being conned.

260
00:12:04,182 --> 00:12:05,433
There isn't even water up there.

261
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:08,228
Trust me, there's a very dedicated man

262
00:12:08,311 --> 00:12:10,689
who will make sure we get water, Brian.

263
00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:18,321
Hey, Chris, did you tell everyone
the big news?

264
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,073
No, it's stupid.

265
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,491
Go on, tell 'em.

266
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,703
Well, I got into
Orange Julius school today.

267
00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:26,204
-That's wonderful, Chris!
-Congratulations!

268
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:27,288
Unique.

269
00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:29,124
Tell 'em what the guy said, Chris.

270
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:32,168
He said I was lucky
I was the only one who applied.

271
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,920
You're being too modest.

272
00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:35,630
He also said they only accept

273
00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:37,674
99% of applicants.

274
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,093
Anyway, I've already been fired
for touching myself

275
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:43,221
while the Hot Dog on a Stick ladies
made lemonade.

276
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:44,514
That's terrible, Chris.

277
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,808
Well, to be fair, the hot dogs look

278
00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:49,102
like wieners and lemonade looks like pee,

279
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:51,354
so I was kind of doomed from the get-go.

280
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:52,731
Okay, that's it!

281
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:55,066
How are you all actually this dumb?

282
00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:57,902
I can't even believe
I've wasted my intellect living here.

283
00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:59,446
What are you saying, Brian?

284
00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:00,947
I'm saying I'm moving back in

285
00:13:01,031 --> 00:13:03,074
with the Hendersons, where I belong.

286
00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:05,744
Okay, Brian, I guess that's your choice.

287
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,078
Yeah, fine.
Go!

288
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:08,913
And if you think we're just going to sadly

289
00:13:08,997 --> 00:13:11,082
watch you walk away, you're wrong, mister!

290
00:13:11,166 --> 00:13:13,001
Now get the hell out of here!

291
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:20,550
♪ Every time you go ♪

292
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,135
♪ Away... ♪

293
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:23,803
(music stops)

294
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:27,182
♪ You take a piece of me with... ♪

295
00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:29,642
CHRIS:
Hey, Stewie, was there a men's department

296
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:32,729
-in that record store?
-Shut up!

297
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,529
Lois, there's a spider in my golf bag.

298
00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:42,697
I need you to kill it.

299
00:13:42,781 --> 00:13:44,824
Peter, why is there a huge pile of food

300
00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:46,534
under the table by your chair?

301
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:48,620
What?
Oh, that's all the gross food you made.

302
00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:50,789
-Don't worry, Brian will eat it.
-Brian's gone.

303
00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:53,625
He moved in with that
smarty-pants Henderson family.

304
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:56,211
Oh, that's right.
Well, then this is a perfect chance

305
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,380
to do something
I've been wanting to do forever.

306
00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,215
Kids, family meeting!

307
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:03,635
Now that there's no dog in the house,
we can finally

308
00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:06,596
throw gross things
in the open bathroom trash.

309
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:10,016
I've got a bloody Kleenex
from when I blew my nose too hard.

310
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,102
-Put it in there!
-How about bloody toilet paper

311
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,687
from wiping too hard?

312
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:16,106
Everything bloody from everything too hard

313
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,192
-goes in there.
-I'm not proud of this family.

314
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,572
All right, well,
since Brian's not coming back,

315
00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:26,574
I-I guess you and I should try

316
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:28,326
to develop our own comedic patter.

317
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:30,286
Guess so.

318
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,164
Oh, hey, can I get
some of that pie and Cool "Hwip"?

319
00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:36,084
-What did you say?
-We can't have pie without Cool "Hwip."

320
00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:37,836
That's not how you're supposed to say it!

321
00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,295
You said it weird!

322
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,257
Whoa, buddy.
It was... it was just a joke.

323
00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:43,967
Somehow this is at my expense, I know it!

324
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:46,428
No, it's a goof...

325
00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:49,264
-It's my bit, bud.
-Oh, you like bits, huh?

326
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:52,892
Well, this is my bit--
want to ride the Stewie-Go-Round?

327
00:14:52,976 --> 00:14:54,477
Aah!
Make it stop!

328
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,104
I can't!

329
00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:57,856
It's like an SNL bit!

330
00:14:57,939 --> 00:14:59,774
Too long with no ending!

331
00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:01,985
-♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause)

332
00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:10,035
Welcome back to the family, Brian.

333
00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:11,870
We're so happy to have you for dinner.

334
00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:14,080
I think it was Oscar Wilde who once said,

335
00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:16,499
"After good dinner,
one can forgive anybody,

336
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:18,084
even one's own relations."

337
00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:21,671
And Oscar Wilde?
Famous gaybo.

338
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,798
Whoa, where do you think you're going?

339
00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:26,426
Oh.
I just assumed that was my seat.

340
00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:29,512
Brian, we've never had an unwiped dog anus

341
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,222
on a chair cushion before.

342
00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:33,433
And we're not about to change that now,

343
00:15:33,516 --> 00:15:35,477
as happy as we are you've returned to us.

344
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,687
You eat down here.

345
00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:40,190
Ah. Dog bowl.
(chuckles)

346
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,275
Classic.

347
00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:56,706
Ugh, this food looks gross.

348
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:59,334
-It's very good for you.
-I don't believe you.

349
00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:00,669
Well, who would you believe?

350
00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:02,879
I don't know, Robert Loggia?

351
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:05,382
♪ ♪

352
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:06,800
Whoa, Robert Loggia!

353
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:09,094
Mrs. Henderson is right.

354
00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:12,222
Alpo dog food is nutritious and delicious.

355
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,724
-Thanks, Robert Loggia!
-No problem.

356
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:17,143
Mind if I take a whiz in your bathroom?

357
00:16:17,227 --> 00:16:18,937
But you took one when you got here.

358
00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:20,563
Well, I have to take another.

359
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,565
Stop counting my whizzes.

360
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:25,193
♪ ♪

361
00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:26,736
You know, Brian, we were wondering,

362
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,530
what do you think of the name Brian?

363
00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:30,740
-What do you mean?
-Well, we never had the chance to name you,

364
00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:33,284
so we were thinking something
a bit more sophisticated.

365
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:34,911
What if we call you Ishmael?

366
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,162
Call me Ishmael?

367
00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:39,124
Ha. See, honey,
I told you he wasn't secretly

368
00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:40,709
a stupid alcoholic fraud.

369
00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:42,335
We love the name.

370
00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:44,713
We heard a really wonderful
lecture on Moby Dick

371
00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:46,339
when we went to TED last summer.

372
00:16:46,423 --> 00:16:48,216
Oh, Ted?
Ted 's a classic!

373
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:50,135
I didn't know you like TED, too?

374
00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:51,636
Well, Ted 2 was just okay.

375
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:52,929
I mean, I-I wanted to like it.

376
00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:54,431
You know, I came to buy.

377
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,516
Really long courtroom scene, really long.

378
00:16:56,599 --> 00:16:58,768
I don't think we saw that TED Talk.

379
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:02,272
Really? He says the opposite
of things you think he'd say!

380
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,357
I mean, that's kinda... I...

381
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:06,109
that's kinda the whole thing.

382
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,410
Stop kicking me, Peter.

383
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:17,120
Your toenails are so long.

384
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,164
I feel like I'm sleeping with Mo'Nique.

385
00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:21,541
I'm over here.
I found your vibrator,

386
00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:24,002
and I was holding my thing up next to it.

387
00:17:24,085 --> 00:17:26,546
I thought they should meet each other.

388
00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:28,548
Chris, what the hell are you doing?

389
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,467
Dad told me to sleep in here.

390
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:33,053
Sorry, Lois.
I just missed having Brian at the foot

391
00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:35,013
of the bed, so I...
I asked Chris to do it.

392
00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:37,974
Peter, we had sex 20 minutes ago!

393
00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:40,852
Actually, it was 17 minutes ago.

394
00:17:40,935 --> 00:17:42,479
Though neither of you finished,

395
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,356
so, technically, it's still going.

396
00:17:44,439 --> 00:17:46,775
Just...
I-I was very full.

397
00:17:46,858 --> 00:17:48,443
Just... just know that.

398
00:17:48,526 --> 00:17:50,737
Okay, that's it.
This is no way to live.

399
00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:52,072
We need Brian back.

400
00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:54,407
Ah, you're right.
I miss him.

401
00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:57,327
I wonder what Brian would say
if he were here right now.

402
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,579
Hey, Peter.
I bet you're secretly,

403
00:17:59,662 --> 00:18:01,915
like, the best in the world at karate.

404
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,668
Yeah. I am, buddy.
Thanks.

405
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:08,046
And did I hear you just became
Jet Ski President of the World?

406
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:09,756
Yeah, that's right.

407
00:18:09,839 --> 00:18:12,759
Man, I miss Brian.
I got to figure out how to get him back.

408
00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:14,928
And I hear you're really cool
at sleepovers.

409
00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:17,889
Well, I don't go to bed,
if that's what you mean.

410
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:24,938
(sighs)

411
00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:30,360
♪ ♪

412
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,745
Hey, how come, when I went missing,

413
00:18:40,829 --> 00:18:42,872
you guys didn't keep looking for me?

414
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:45,792
Well, we really like to leave things
up to God's will.

415
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:46,793
Oh, boy.

416
00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:49,546
Ha-ha!

417
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:50,797
Road House callback!

418
00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:53,299
Road House callback!

419
00:18:53,383 --> 00:18:55,719
I never saw Road House.

420
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:56,970
It's about kicking!

421
00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:58,805
Hey, Brian.
Nice place.

422
00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:01,516
They got one of them soda fridges
in the garage or what?

423
00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:03,893
-I-I don't think so.
-Aw, that's wack.

424
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:07,105
Hey, thanks for committing
a brutal crime for me, Peter.

425
00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,982
You didn't have to do that.

426
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:11,317
The Hendersons treated me like a pet.

427
00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:14,362
But you guys treat me like family.

428
00:19:14,446 --> 00:19:15,864
And I miss that.

429
00:19:15,947 --> 00:19:18,450
Look, Brian,
I know we ain't as "fisticated"

430
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:21,036
or "smort" or "intolergant" as them,

431
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,996
but you're still our cat, you know?

432
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:24,914
We want you to corn home.

433
00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:27,083
(toilet flushes)

434
00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:29,586
That was just one whiz.

435
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,796
For those of you counting.

436
00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:37,218
Well, it sure is great to be back home.

437
00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:39,679
I think I finally learned
that I would much rather

438
00:19:39,763 --> 00:19:42,015
be the smartest guy in a dumb family

439
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,975
than the dumbest guy in a smart family.

440
00:19:44,059 --> 00:19:47,020
Uh, would we say
you're the smartest guy in our family?

441
00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:49,689
You, uh, you ever
invent a time machine, Brian?

442
00:19:49,773 --> 00:19:52,108
-Grow a brain, dick.
-(knocking)

443
00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:54,861
Hey, Joe.
What's up?

444
00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:56,446
Peter, I'm afraid you're under arrest

445
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:57,947
for entering another man's home

446
00:19:58,031 --> 00:20:00,158
and kicking both
he and his wife in the head.

447
00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:01,868
But it was from a movie.

448
00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:02,952
Well, that doesn't make a difference

449
00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:04,537
in the eyes of the law.

450
00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:06,247
But I said the name of the movie.

451
00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:08,875
Peter, I'd move away from that
as a legal strategy.

452
00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:10,627
Eh, I'll take my chances.

453
00:20:13,213 --> 00:20:15,298
Has the jury reached a verdict?

454
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:16,883
We have.

455
00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,259
Not guilty.

456
00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:20,762
Nobody puts Peter in a corner.

457
00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:22,138
Yay!

458
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:24,432
I lucked out with jury selection.

459
00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:33,733
I'm glad everything
is back to average.

460
00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:35,443
Yes, it's happy to be back home.

461
00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:37,112
I, too, am gleeful.

462
00:20:37,195 --> 00:20:38,822
You are improper.

463
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,407
Your hair is like hay.

464
00:20:40,490 --> 00:20:41,700
A horse would eat it.

465
00:20:41,783 --> 00:20:43,785
Go into the wood-burning oven.

466
00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:46,663
(sighs)

467
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:49,457
I miss our stolen son in America.

468
00:20:49,541 --> 00:20:51,626
Do you think he remembers us?

469
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:53,336
Wooden shoe?

470
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:55,130
(audience laughing)

471
00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:57,382
ANNOUNCER:
Familiemaan: Dutch TV is probably

472
00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,467
not that great, we assume?

473
00:21:34,002 --> 00:21:35,962
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH