1
00:00:01,376 --> 00:00:04,629
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

2
00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:08,174
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

3
00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:11,553
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

4
00:00:11,636 --> 00:00:14,764
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

5
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,268
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

6
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,896
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

7
00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:23,481
♪ All the things that make us ♪

8
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:24,816
♪ Laugh and cry ♪

9
00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:30,447
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

10
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:39,456
(alarm beeping)

11
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:40,790
(alarm off)

12
00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:44,002
(yawns)

13
00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:48,089
(blows raspberry)

14
00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:50,717
Alexa, what's in the news this morning?

15
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,510
ALEXA: Here is your morning briefing.

16
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:55,138
In Washington, D.C.,
Congress has passed a measure...

17
00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:57,849
Alexa, skip to celebrity birthdays.

18
00:00:57,932 --> 00:01:00,727
Mario Lopez is 47 years old today.

19
00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:03,772
No way! Someone should tell his face.

20
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,190
I know, right?

21
00:01:05,273 --> 00:01:07,192
(chuckles): Seriously!

22
00:01:07,275 --> 00:01:09,569
Okay, see you later, Alexa.

23
00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:11,905
You're my best friend.

24
00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:14,574
And you're... you're awesome, Lois.

25
00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:17,202
Best friends.

26
00:01:17,285 --> 00:01:20,580
MEG (calling out):
Hey, Mom, my period started on the couch.

27
00:01:20,663 --> 00:01:21,956
(takes deep breath)

28
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,335
You wanted to have a family,
you wanted this life.

29
00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:28,171
My shoes are on the roof. Get 'em.

30
00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:30,757
(children's song playing on TV)

31
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,176
-♪ The driver on the bus peeks
to check his phone ♪ -Come on, move your arm up.

32
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:34,928
-Up. Close your hand.
-♪ Check his phone ♪

33
00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:37,263
-Okay, push it through. Good.
-♪ Check his phone ♪

34
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,307
-Just let me do it.
-♪ The driver on the bus peeks to check his phone ♪

35
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:41,559
-Other arm. Almost done.
-♪ Whoops, he hit a dog ♪

36
00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:44,479
Move your thumb. Move your thumb. Push.

37
00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:46,398
-There. Done.
-♪ The driver on the bus ♪

38
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:48,233
♪ Says, "Shut up, shut up, shut up ♪

39
00:01:48,316 --> 00:01:51,528
♪ Let me think for a second." ♪

40
00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:53,238
(Lois straining)

41
00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:54,989
Why did you do this?

42
00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:57,075
If they didn't want us
to put our foot down there,

43
00:01:57,158 --> 00:02:00,120
they shouldn't make it
a perfect fit for a toilet shoe.

44
00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:02,288
-Who's "they"?
-Uh, Big Toilet?

45
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:04,290
Big Toilet? Is that a thing?

46
00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:05,834
Shh!

47
00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:07,919
MAN: Welcome back to
the Stuff You Should Just Spend

48
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:09,671
the Money On podcast.

49
00:02:09,754 --> 00:02:12,549
Today's episode:
"Expressing Your Dog's Anal Glands."

50
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:15,343
MAN 2: Yeah, you really don't
want to DIY on the anal glands.

51
00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:17,303
Just spend the money.
It can't cost more than,

52
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:19,389
-I don't know, 30 bucks.
-(Brian grunts)

53
00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:21,391
-MAN: $30 is three months of Netflix.
-(grunts)

54
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:23,393
MAN 2: So don't watch
The Crown for three months.

55
00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:25,562
-I like The Crown.
-MAN: What if I like The Crown?

56
00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:27,814
-MAN 2: Watch it all in one weekend.
-(both grunting)

57
00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:29,899
If you don't finish
a Netflix series in a weekend,

58
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,901
-that's on you.
-Lois, can we just...

59
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:33,653
can we just kiss a little first?

60
00:02:33,737 --> 00:02:35,155
You know what?
I think it's actually starting

61
00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,365
to clear up on its own.
♪ Whoa, Black Betty ♪

62
00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:39,117
♪ Bam-a-lam, hey, Black Betty ♪

63
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:40,285
♪ Bam-a-lam! ♪

64
00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:42,370
♪ ♪

65
00:02:46,332 --> 00:02:48,585
-(horn honks)
-(Lois honks back)

66
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:51,796
Take a bite out of my ass,
you sack of dirt!

67
00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:56,676
(mellow music playing)

68
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,094
(inhales deeply)

69
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,680
Ah... you made it.

70
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,809
Morning, Kyle, Lisa, Kyle H.

71
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:06,102
Morning, Lois.

72
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,104
What'll it be this morning? The usual?

73
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,190
Ah, you know it.
And with the morning I had,

74
00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:11,649
better make it a large.

75
00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:14,235
So the usual.

76
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,529
How are the muffins this morning, Lisa?

77
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:19,324
Oh, not the banana nut, 'cause
I know you're allergic to nuts.

78
00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:21,326
(chuckles)
That's right, I am. Good memory.

79
00:03:21,409 --> 00:03:23,119
Well, it's what makes you so unique.

80
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,454
MAN: Hurry up!

81
00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:26,456
You know, I always thought
that peanut allergies

82
00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:28,458
just went away when you became an adult.

83
00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:29,876
You know, like tonsils.

84
00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:31,336
Tonsils go away, right?

85
00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:32,671
I thought I read that.

86
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:33,922
What are tonsils?

87
00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:35,840
Anyway, let me put in my card.

88
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,759
I got one with a chip on it.

89
00:03:37,842 --> 00:03:40,220
It's like we're living in the Star Wars.

90
00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:41,763
Okay, tip.

91
00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:43,223
I'll do cash.

92
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:44,641
Good, you heard me.

93
00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:46,851
"Would you like to donate a cup of coffee

94
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:48,645
to a soldier overseas?"

95
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:51,648
Yeah, that seems like a good cause.

96
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,692
MAN:
Hey. Here's your free cup of coffee

97
00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,902
-from a lady in Rhode Island.
-What?

98
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,416
♪ ♪

99
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:24,848
Excuse me.
Are you in line for the bathroom?

100
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:26,474
-No.
-Oh.

101
00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:28,184
Then move!

102
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,937
-(rattles doorknob)
-Give me the key!

103
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,860
So, how was everybody's day?

104
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:39,279
-I made the football team...
-Congratulations.

105
00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:42,032
...throw up because
I put cleaner in the Gatorade.

106
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,450
Still pretty good.

107
00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:46,745
You know, the funniest thing
happened to me today.

108
00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:48,747
I go to this coffee shop every morning,

109
00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,749
and they do this fun thing
where every week

110
00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:52,709
they choose a Customer of the Week.

111
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:55,128
It's just a silly thing,
which is why it's so fun.

112
00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:57,213
Anyway, I've never been picked.

113
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,049
Which is fine.

114
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,592
The thing is...

115
00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:01,634
Oh, boy.

116
00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,636
...I'm friendly, I always tip,

117
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,890
I almost never say anything
when foreigners loudly FaceTime,

118
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:09,809
and in general, I'm a pretty good person.

119
00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:11,186
Right?

120
00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:13,188
Yeah. I mean, you show little patience

121
00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:16,107
for the handicapped at times, but... yeah.

122
00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:17,734
Yeah, it just, it just feels like

123
00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:19,611
it should probably be my time.

124
00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:21,237
Well, maybe this'll be your week.

125
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,447
Oh, you think so?

126
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:23,865
I don't know.
That-that felt like

127
00:05:23,948 --> 00:05:25,408
the right thing to say, so I said it.

128
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:26,910
I do impulsive things.

129
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:29,537
That's how I ended up getting
Rod Stewart's hair.

130
00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:30,997
Morning, luv.

131
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:33,708
Mind if I sing a tune into your vagina?

132
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:36,711
♪ ♪

133
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:40,965
Everybody, if we could
have your attention,

134
00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:44,219
we'd like to announce this
week's Customer of the Week.

135
00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:46,471
Ah. I've never seen them do it live.
(chuckles)

136
00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:49,182
This must be what it feels like
to see Bruce.

137
00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:54,437
This week's Customer of the Week is...

138
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:55,647
Lester!

139
00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,401
♪ ♪

140
00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:09,577
(sobbing)

141
00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:14,082
(sobbing loudly)

142
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:22,132
Hey, Bon, Wednesday Wisdom's live!

143
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,467
-Is it good?
-No.

144
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,302
It's great!

145
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,643
You know what I think
the problem is, Stewie?

146
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,228
I need to show them

147
00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:37,313
that I deserve to be Customer of the Week.

148
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,232
-You don't.
-Well, they probably see a woman like me and think,

149
00:06:39,315 --> 00:06:41,234
-"She's got it all."
-They don't.

150
00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:43,236
I know it's a silly little award,

151
00:06:43,319 --> 00:06:45,238
-but I don't ask for much.
-You do.

152
00:06:45,321 --> 00:06:46,448
And this is the one place,

153
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:48,450
the one place that makes me feel happy.

154
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:51,161
-You aren't.
-I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

155
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,580
I-I feel like I really vibe
with everyone there.

156
00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:55,582
-You don't.
-I'm one of their best customers.

157
00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:57,208
You know, if I stopped showing up,

158
00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:58,668
they'd probably wonder where I went.

159
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,670
-They wouldn't.
-Because I'm a nice person.

160
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,297
-You're not.
-I tip in cash.

161
00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:04,132
-So?
-And I can't think of one reason

162
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:05,925
-why they wouldn't pick me.
-I can.

163
00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:07,260
Oh, thanks for listening, Stewie.

164
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:09,262
-I had no choice.
-You know, I'm gonna show them

165
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:11,264
that I deserve to win this award.

166
00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:13,266
I need this.
Just like I needed

167
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:16,019
my own Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane.

168
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,562
-Next.
-Hi, Gil.

169
00:07:17,645 --> 00:07:18,646
Uh, can I get...

170
00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:20,398
Pound of honey ham.
Cut it thin.

171
00:07:20,482 --> 00:07:22,400
Oh, excuse me, I believe I was next.

172
00:07:22,484 --> 00:07:24,319
Step aside, lady.

173
00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:30,158
Yeah, hi, Gil.

174
00:07:30,241 --> 00:07:32,786
Can I try a piece of the pepper turkey?

175
00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:34,871
♪ ♪

176
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,793
Here you go.
Anything else today?

177
00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:41,670
Yeah, the coffee, and you know what?

178
00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:44,381
I'll take that piece of artwork
for sale on the wall.

179
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,383
Really?
That's my painting.

180
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,967
Wha...? Is it?

181
00:07:48,051 --> 00:07:50,011
You are very talented.

182
00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:52,389
Well, how much do I owe you?

183
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,809
-$600.
-(chokes) $600?

184
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:57,060
Do you still want it?

185
00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:58,144
Of course.

186
00:07:58,228 --> 00:07:59,437
(quiet grunt)

187
00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:01,147
It's important to support local artists

188
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:03,149
by spending a year's worth of co-pays

189
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,193
on a painting of a...
(chokes, belches)

190
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:06,361
(pounding counter)

191
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:07,529
...bridge.

192
00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:09,322
A ladder and an apple.

193
00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:12,200
A ladder and an apple!
What a theme!

194
00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:14,202
Can you split it on two debit cards?

195
00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:16,913
-I have a limit.
-I can't really ring it up on the register.

196
00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:18,957
-It has to be cash.
-(chokes)

197
00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:21,751
Perfect!

198
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,837
♪ ♪

199
00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:29,634
-By the way, I told you.
-Told me what?

200
00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:31,636
I told you nobody
could tell I was drinking.

201
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:34,431
-No one cares.
-I care. I do.

202
00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:38,852
Here, take this. Start recording
right before they say my name.

203
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:41,062
And hold it landscape, not portrait.

204
00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:43,481
This is an important moment,
not a fast-food worker fight.

205
00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:45,734
(quietly):
I wish it was a fast-food worker fight.

206
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:49,279
-What?
-(loudly): I wish it was a fast-food worker fight.

207
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,697
Welcome, everybody.

208
00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:53,616
This week's Customer of the Week is...

209
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,786
...Terry Newcustomer.

210
00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:03,043
Wow, this is so unexpected,
because I'm such a new customer.

211
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,461
Lois, should I stop recording?

212
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:05,712
Oh, you got a text.

213
00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:06,963
Oh, I clicked it.

214
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:07,964
Oh, it's Bonnie.

215
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,341
She's responding to you.

216
00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:11,718
Oh, about me.
Oh, I'm reading the old texts.

217
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:12,927
Oh, I should stop.

218
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:13,970
Oh, but I can't.

219
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,180
Oh, you're unhappy.

220
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:16,514
Oh, who's Greg?

221
00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:18,099
Oh, there's Greg.

222
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:20,185
♪ ♪

223
00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:23,938
All right, on three, everyone
say their favorite Spider-Man.

224
00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:26,524
All right?
One, two, three.

225
00:09:26,608 --> 00:09:28,026
(saying different Spider-Man
characters and actors)

226
00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:29,235
ALL BUT LOIS:
What?!

227
00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:32,322
(Meg, Chris, Peter,
Brian and Stewie arguing)

228
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:37,077
In fact, there'd be no superhero movies
without Tobey Maguire.

229
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,746
No way!
Garfield never got a chance.

230
00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:41,122
Is Affleck the best Batman?

231
00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:42,582
No.
But he had the best Batman body.

232
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:45,168
He'll be the first ex-Spider-Man
to win an Oscar.

233
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:47,837
Just 'cause it's in animation,
people think it's not legit.

234
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,715
(indistinct arguing)

235
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,677
♪ ♪

236
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,762
(others continue arguing)

237
00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:02,852
I don't get it!

238
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,020
Wait, Spider-Man?

239
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,689
He's a guy with spider powers.

240
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:07,190
Can't I have one thing in my life?

241
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,441
Is that too much to ask?

242
00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:10,026
What is it, do they hate me?

243
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,278
Because astrologically I'm very compatible

244
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,280
with Kyle H. and Lisa.

245
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,282
I'm a Gemini and they're both Aquarius,

246
00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:18,118
so we're natural matches!

247
00:10:18,201 --> 00:10:20,120
Kyle is a Virgo,
which doesn't match with Gemini,

248
00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:22,539
but they're supposed
to at least care about people!

249
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,207
What am I missing?

250
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:26,209
You know, Mom, if you
really want to get noticed,

251
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,044
you should save one of their lives.

252
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,879
-What?
-There was a kid at school

253
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,465
who got a whole page
in the yearbook dedicated to him

254
00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:35,468
because he saved a kid
who had a peanut allergy.

255
00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:37,512
Peanut allergy?

256
00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:39,347
I have a peanut allergy.

257
00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:42,934
Yeah. This kid accidentally ate
something with peanuts in it

258
00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,853
and the other kid came over

259
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,855
and Pulp Fictioned him with an EpiPen.

260
00:10:46,938 --> 00:10:48,023
Huh...

261
00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:49,816
I can't even touch peanuts.

262
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:52,277
That kid was a hero.

263
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:53,737
Hero...

264
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:54,904
You flush it!

265
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,740
It scares me when it goes away.

266
00:10:58,324 --> 00:10:59,617
Yes... hero.

267
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:00,994
I'll be a hero,

268
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,787
and then they'll have
to make me Customer of the Week.

269
00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:05,165
Why is this story all about Mom this week?

270
00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,792
What, are we giving Seth's voice a rest?

271
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:16,217
(electric guitar riff plays)

272
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:25,477
Okay, I'll just pour
some of these Planters peanuts

273
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,145
into Lisa's car.

274
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,355
The official peanut

275
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:29,898
of poisoning people with allergies.

276
00:11:29,981 --> 00:11:32,108
What?
No, she's kidding!

277
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,526
Come on, look at me:

278
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,987
top hat, gloves, shoes, no other clothes.

279
00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,364
I'm a good guy!

280
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:40,784
Okay, now I wait for her to get in her car

281
00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:42,744
and start to have a reaction.

282
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:45,538
Then I'll swoop in
and save her with this EpiPen.

283
00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:48,166
Then I'll be a lock
to be Customer of the Week.

284
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:50,293
Stewie, you okay back there?

285
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,587
Having fun playing with Mommy's phone?

286
00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:54,673
Yup. I put the headphones up my nose,

287
00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:55,924
but I made it work.

288
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,552
Okay, there she is.

289
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:01,388
She's walking to her car...

290
00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:03,056
she's getting out her keys...

291
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:04,766
she's starting her car...

292
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:06,059
driving away?

293
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:13,191
Damn it, I didn't put
enough peanuts in there.

294
00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:16,277
Oh, shaving cream!

295
00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:20,323
Ooh, shaving cream.

296
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,536
Oh...

297
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:27,205
shaving cream.

298
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:32,669
Oh, good.

299
00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:36,006
Oh, shaving cream.

300
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:45,473
Mom, why are we at the hospital
to visit your barista?

301
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:48,059
Chris, I promise
that if one of your baristas

302
00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:50,770
ever gets into an accident,
I'll go to the hospital, too.

303
00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,647
Okay. That's all I wanted to hear.

304
00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:55,859
I've got a lot of baristas
who make questionable choices.

305
00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:58,778
Hi, you must be Lisa's mother.

306
00:12:58,862 --> 00:12:59,904
How's she doing?

307
00:12:59,988 --> 00:13:01,656
Did she say what happened?

308
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:03,950
No, she's mostly just said...

309
00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:05,910
(ghastly moaning)

310
00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,829
Oh, that's not a good moan.

311
00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:10,415
Well, apparently,
someone put peanuts in her car

312
00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:12,000
and she's deathly allergic.

313
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,251
Oh, no.

314
00:13:13,335 --> 00:13:14,961
Here are flowers.

315
00:13:15,045 --> 00:13:17,255
STEWIE:
She took those from a guardrail memorial.

316
00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:19,299
D-Do they have any leads
on who could have done it?

317
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:20,300
No.

318
00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:21,760
Good. Grief!

319
00:13:21,843 --> 00:13:24,429
"Good grief," is what
Charlie Brown would say here.

320
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,556
Peanuts.
Probably a poor choice of reference.

321
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,683
But they're going to check
the parking lot surveillance tape

322
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:29,893
to see who did.

323
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:32,228
Surveillance tape?
Good grief!

324
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,813
Uh, who are you again?

325
00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:36,232
I'm a... a very good customer.

326
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,776
Oh, my God, I've got to go.

327
00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:39,778
Exit stage left!

328
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:45,658
That was a very sad door to run in to.

329
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,672
What the hell?
Lois?

330
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,176
LOIS:
Put the phone down, Kyle H.

331
00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:06,805
...so then I start hearing people say

332
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,306
there are different levels

333
00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:10,016
of peanut allergies
and I was like, "Levels?"

334
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,686
I mean, when I hear allergy, I think rash,

335
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,854
not throat-close-car-crash.

336
00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:17,899
Okay, well, I-I'm so glad
that we could talk about this

337
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,485
and that you understand
how we got to where we are.

338
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:22,070
So, are you gonna let me go?

339
00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:23,321
Yes.

340
00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:25,323
I mean, once I figure out
this whole kerfuffle.

341
00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:26,408
Oh.

342
00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,827
Why, are you scared, Kyle H.?

343
00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:31,413
This isn't scary.

344
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,039
I'm a good person.

345
00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:35,583
Now, there are two ways
we can go from here:

346
00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:37,502
you can give me your absolute trust,

347
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:40,296
or I can get you hooked on heroin.

348
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,881
Heroin's not bad.

349
00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:44,843
Not having heroin, that's what's bad.

350
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:47,345
Y-You can trust me.
It's just...

351
00:14:47,429 --> 00:14:48,471
Just what?

352
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:49,806
I have a cat.

353
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,349
Someone needs to feed him.

354
00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:54,185
(long inhale)

355
00:14:54,269 --> 00:14:57,564
Now, a bad person
would say "who cares" here.

356
00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:00,150
But since I am a good person,

357
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,235
I will take care of your cat.

358
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:03,987
Now, open your mouth, I'm gonna stuff

359
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,488
my son's baseball sock in it.

360
00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:18,626
What the hell?
Who are you?

361
00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:20,003
Oh, hello.

362
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:23,673
Um, hi, I'm Kyle H.'s cat-sitter.

363
00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:26,009
He didn't tell me he had roommates

364
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:28,094
who could feed his cat for him.

365
00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:30,889
Wait, why do you have his laser pointer

366
00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:32,724
and Heisenberg keychain?

367
00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:35,268
Yeah, his keychain flair is how
he expresses his quirkiness.

368
00:15:35,352 --> 00:15:36,686
He must be in danger!

369
00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:43,860
You can't leave us like this, lady.

370
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:44,986
Don't say "lady."

371
00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:46,321
It makes me feel old.

372
00:15:46,404 --> 00:15:48,573
And why is everyone acting
like this is my fault?

373
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,992
If anything, it's Kyle H.'s fault.

374
00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:52,744
I'm a good person.

375
00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:54,329
People are gonna know we're gone.

376
00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:55,663
I promised my boyfriend that I'd...

377
00:15:55,747 --> 00:15:57,040
-Wait, you're gay?
-Yeah.

378
00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:58,291
You sound surprised.

379
00:15:58,375 --> 00:15:59,918
I don't know,
you just don't present as gay.

380
00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:01,378
Oh, so gays "present"?

381
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:02,921
No, no, no, that's not...

382
00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:05,006
What? I'm woke, okay?

383
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,007
Is he your boyfriend?

384
00:16:06,091 --> 00:16:07,133
No, I'm not gay.

385
00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:09,010
What?
But you're roommates.

386
00:16:09,094 --> 00:16:10,845
-So?
-So?!

387
00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:12,013
And that's not weird?

388
00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:13,723
I mean, do you have your own bathrooms?

389
00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,350
-No.
-What, so you just walk around

390
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:17,852
-like there's nothing potentially sexual?
-Yeah.

391
00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,021
Yeah. I mean,
ever since he joined the gym,

392
00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:21,523
he's really turned his body around.

393
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:23,233
But that's not what I'd be attracted to.

394
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,568
It's more sticking to his commitment
to get healthy.

395
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,862
-That's attractive.
-Aw, thank you, bro.

396
00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:28,947
Mm, you're welcome, bro.

397
00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:30,490
See, this!

398
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,742
I don't know.
I-I guess I'm not woke, okay?

399
00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:34,786
Fine, you win with your gay stuff.

400
00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:36,663
That's what you want, right?
To win?

401
00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:40,000
Here, drink whatever you think
a day's worth of water is.

402
00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:41,710
Look, what I was trying to say is that

403
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:44,254
you can't leave us like this
because I promised my boyfriend

404
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,548
that I'd make a meal
for his grandmother's meal train.

405
00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:49,217
If I don't drop it off,
they're gonna know something's wrong.

406
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:52,220
(long inhale)

407
00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:53,680
(exhales)

408
00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:55,348
What are you supposed to make?

409
00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:57,934
-Beef Wellington.
-What... Beef Wellington?!

410
00:16:58,018 --> 00:16:59,310
-For tonight?
-Yeah, why?

411
00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:00,645
-Is that hard?
-Yes!

412
00:17:00,729 --> 00:17:04,149
If you're starting
at 2:00 p.m., very! Yes!

413
00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:11,614
Lois, have you seen the pooping iPad?

414
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,783
I can only go while watching Tiger King .

415
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:15,577
-Huh?
-The iPad we use only

416
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:18,163
while pooping and occasionally
on flights for Stewie.

417
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:21,124
Ew, I play Elmo's ABCs on that.

418
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:23,251
Is that why I keep getting pink eye?

419
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,628
I don't know where it is.

420
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:26,838
But it's definitely not in the shed.

421
00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:28,423
So don't even look back there in the shed.

422
00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:30,592
What, you mean the earwig fortress?
No thanks.

423
00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:32,010
I haven't been in there

424
00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:33,386
since I won the Battle of the Wheelbarrow.

425
00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:34,888
Nyah-ha!

426
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,557
Too fast and too smart for you, earwigs.

427
00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:42,145
Now, to continue clearing the yard...

428
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:45,815
(monotone): ...collecting moisture
and sleeping in wood.

429
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,567
Hey, Lois, what ever happened to

430
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:49,361
-that Customer of the Week thing?
-Th-The what?

431
00:17:49,444 --> 00:17:51,071
The Customer of the Week
at the coffee shop.

432
00:17:51,154 --> 00:17:52,238
Did you ever win?

433
00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:53,490
Why?
Why would you bring that up?

434
00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:54,699
What are you, obsessed with it?

435
00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:56,868
Uh, you-you had been talking about it...

436
00:17:56,951 --> 00:17:58,703
Oh, so you can hear me when I say that,

437
00:17:58,787 --> 00:18:00,455
but can't hear me
when I say "get off the couch."

438
00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:02,165
I like to be up by people.

439
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:04,292
May I be excused to...

440
00:18:04,376 --> 00:18:07,796
(monotone): bring this plate of moisture
to the crawl space?

441
00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:11,466
Yeah, for the record,

442
00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:12,759
I would rather drink a sinus infection

443
00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:14,010
than win that stupid award.

444
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:15,595
It's all rigged anyway.

445
00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:18,223
Did you know that Lester
lived in the same building as Lisa?

446
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,100
How is that fair, huh?

447
00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:22,811
God, what a boring thing
to bring up at dinner, Brian.

448
00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:24,604
I'm going to the sunroom,

449
00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:27,273
and that's where I'll be from
9:00 to 11:00 if anyone asks.

450
00:18:27,357 --> 00:18:29,067
No one come check on me.

451
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:33,029
You guys want to play spin
the bottle for finger stuff?

452
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:34,656
Crank this night up a notch?

453
00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:36,366
I'm in.

454
00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:40,120
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.

455
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,497
In local news, two roommates were found

456
00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:44,374
bound and gagged
in their apartment this morning

457
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:47,377
in what they're calling,
"The Cat-Sitter Tie-er Upper."

458
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:49,963
Guys, we need to get better
name-comer-upper-withers.

459
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:52,465
♪ ♪

460
00:18:54,551 --> 00:18:56,970
(sirens wail faintly)

461
00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:15,447
Okay.

462
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,370
Lois?

463
00:19:22,454 --> 00:19:24,831
I'm just finishing the dishes.

464
00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:26,958
I'm a good person, Joe.

465
00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:29,461
Sometimes good people do bad things, Lois.

466
00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:31,212
You can finish the dishes.

467
00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:32,881
Then I got to take you in.

468
00:19:32,964 --> 00:19:34,799
You can't take her away, Joe!

469
00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:36,343
(whispering)

470
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:38,178
And you can put in one load of laundry.

471
00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:39,721
Then I got to take you in.

472
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:41,306
(whispering)

473
00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,475
After that, you can
write down the Wi-Fi log-in.

474
00:19:43,558 --> 00:19:45,518
Then I got to take you in.

475
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:46,895
(whispering)

476
00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:48,480
Where's the peanut butter?

477
00:19:48,563 --> 00:19:49,898
(whispering)

478
00:19:49,981 --> 00:19:51,483
Well, Peter, I think
the main difference is

479
00:19:51,566 --> 00:19:53,234
Chinese people are from China

480
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,278
and Japanese people are from Japan.

481
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:56,821
(whispering)

482
00:19:56,905 --> 00:20:00,283
Yes, that's probably why you
were banned from the restaurant.

483
00:20:03,787 --> 00:20:05,705
(lock buzzes)

484
00:20:05,789 --> 00:20:07,791
♪ ♪

485
00:20:29,187 --> 00:20:31,106
Good morning.

486
00:20:31,189 --> 00:20:33,400
Ah, what a charming place this is.

487
00:20:33,483 --> 00:20:35,944
Oh, look, you do a Customer of the Week.

488
00:20:36,027 --> 00:20:37,362
How cute.

489
00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:40,907
Now, I'll take a Nitro Cold Brew.

490
00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:43,451
And with the morning I've had,
better make it a large.

491
00:20:43,535 --> 00:20:45,120
Hey, that's funny.

492
00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:46,996
Yeah, I know.

493
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,665
There you go.

494
00:20:49,791 --> 00:20:52,502
And there you go.

495
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:55,213
Well, you could have said thank you.

496
00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:57,966
Don't see a lot
of five dollar bills in there.

497
00:20:58,049 --> 00:21:01,261
I must be a pretty good person
to give a five.

498
00:21:34,377 --> 00:21:36,338
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH