1 00:00:01,168 --> 00:00:02,878 Previously on Family Guy. 2 00:00:02,961 --> 00:00:04,213 Oh, my God! 3 00:00:04,296 --> 00:00:06,089 Tell your father not to start the car! 4 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,052 Do you want my badge number? 5 00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:11,803 Here. Here's my freaking badge number! 6 00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:14,806 I can't lose this case. 7 00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:16,600 Lois, the case is already over. 8 00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,143 ( sobbing ) 9 00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:20,270 Who did this to you? 10 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,605 In all my years of research 11 00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:23,857 I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly. 12 00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:30,322 ( screaming ) 13 00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:32,407 Everyone I told about the file is dead. 14 00:00:32,491 --> 00:00:34,326 What do you mean, cut the blue wire? 15 00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:35,786 They're all blue wires! 16 00:00:37,913 --> 00:00:40,290 Face it. He's never coming out of that coma. 17 00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:49,383 ( screaming ) 18 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:53,220 Brian's gone to Los Angeles to find himself. 19 00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:57,140 ♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪ 20 00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,352 ♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪ 21 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:03,939 ♪♪ But where are those good, old-fashioned values ♪♪ 22 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:06,650 ♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪ 23 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:10,362 ♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪ 24 00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:13,824 ♪♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪♪ 25 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,659 ♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪ 26 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:17,369 ♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪ 27 00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:22,249 ♪♪ He's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪ 28 00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:28,005 Peter, don't throw out Brian's things. 29 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,299 It's not like he's going to be in Los Angeles forever. 30 00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:31,925 He just needs to find himself. 31 00:01:32,009 --> 00:01:33,135 He's not coming back, Lois. 32 00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:34,344 You saw him. 33 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,054 He just walked out on us. 34 00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:37,890 Boy, did we have some good times! 35 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,184 Here it comes, buddy. 36 00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:45,981 Oh! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh! 37 00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:49,359 Oh! What are the odds? 38 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,736 Well, if he does come back 39 00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,988 I want everything to be just how he left it. 40 00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:54,156 Easy! Massage the scalp. 41 00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:55,908 You're washing a baby's hair 42 00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:58,243 not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress 43 00:01:58,327 --> 00:01:59,703 you holiday drunk! 44 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,455 You guys, we got a letter from Brian. 45 00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:02,956 Tell him I'm not here. 46 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,458 Let me see. 47 00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:06,001 ( yelling ) 48 00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:08,086 Oh, I'm sorry, Sweetie, 49 00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:10,130 There. All better? 50 00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:12,424 You know, you are some piece of work, lady. 51 00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:14,301 If you... actually, yes, it is. 52 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,094 "Greetings from California. 53 00:02:16,178 --> 00:02:17,763 "I've been very busy. 54 00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:19,431 "I'm having a great time 55 00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:22,351 "trying to make it as a writer in L.A. 56 00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:24,853 "It's just as easy as everyone thinks it is. 57 00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:28,315 I've been working the room at a lot of Hollywood parties." 58 00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:30,359 Oh! 59 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,821 Bobby, loved you in Raging Bull. 60 00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:36,573 Hey, Jodie, how's the baby? 61 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,200 All right. 62 00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:41,370 Hey, I need more cheese puffs, Manny. 63 00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:42,996 Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again. 64 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,207 And skip the toothpicks. She'll just hurt herself. 65 00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:47,042 Hey, Bri, did you hear about Jason? 66 00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:48,252 Paramount bought his script. 67 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:51,046 They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger? 68 00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:52,214 Hundred grand. 69 00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:53,423 Pretty good, huh? 70 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,217 Sheesh! He's been in L.A. how long? 71 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:56,635 Unbelievable. 72 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:57,845 You know, he actually 73 00:02:57,928 --> 00:02:59,805 called the main character "John Everyman"? 74 00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:01,431 Come on. 75 00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,433 Well, good for him. 76 00:03:05,269 --> 00:03:08,146 ( takes a deep breath ) 77 00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:15,863 Keanu Reeves. Wow! 78 00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:17,447 You know, I don't usually gush 79 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,157 so you'll have to forgive me 80 00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:21,201 but when I was writing Coast Guard-- 81 00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:22,911 that's what I do-- I'm a writer. 82 00:03:22,995 --> 00:03:25,122 Anyway, when I was writing Coast Guard 83 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,416 I couldn't think of anyone other than... 84 00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:29,668 uh-uh... there's a woodpecker on your head. 85 00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:31,378 Yeah, he comes and goes. 86 00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:35,591 And now back to Kids Say the Darndest Things. 87 00:03:35,674 --> 00:03:37,426 It's okay. Take your time. 88 00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:39,011 Then what happened? 89 00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:43,432 He... he said he would kill me if I ever said anything. 90 00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:45,517 Do you remember what he looked like? 91 00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:48,270 Yeah. He had a scar on his arm 92 00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:51,523 and he had a big, stupid doo-doo head! 93 00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:55,110 "A big, stupid doo-doo head!" 94 00:03:57,654 --> 00:04:01,116 Honestly, the things children come up with. 95 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,243 If you have a child you'd like to exploit in order to get 96 00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:04,745 a free trip to Los Angeles 97 00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:06,413 why not have them try out for our show? 98 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,457 Our next auditions will be held in New York, Chicago 99 00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:09,917 and Quahog, Rhode Island. 100 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,085 Hey, maybe Stewie could get on that show. 101 00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:14,546 Eh! You must be 'shrooming. 102 00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:17,299 Yeah! We can get a free trip to L.A., and see Brian. 103 00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:19,092 Jeez, I haven't been to California 104 00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:20,719 since I lived with my other family. 105 00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:23,722 Guys. I just got invited 106 00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:25,933 to a party at Sharon Tate's house. 107 00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,059 You guys can come 108 00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:28,268 but you got to promise 109 00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:29,520 not to embarrass me. 110 00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:32,397 Talk, damn you! 111 00:04:32,481 --> 00:04:33,690 I know you've been plotting 112 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,484 to foil my plans of world domination. 113 00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:36,735 Who are you working for? 114 00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:37,903 The Libyans? The French? 115 00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:40,030 Very well. 116 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,406 If torture won't work 117 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:43,200 perhaps a little tenderness will. 118 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,160 Mmm! I like your taste in women. 119 00:04:45,244 --> 00:04:46,662 Yes, I think she and I 120 00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:49,289 are going to have a good time together. 121 00:04:49,373 --> 00:04:51,750 Yes, you like this, don't you? 122 00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:55,379 Oh, God, look at me, having sex with a pig. 123 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,548 I've become my father. 124 00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:58,757 Come on, Stewie. 125 00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:00,092 Let's get your sailor suit. 126 00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:01,468 You got to look cute 127 00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:03,095 if you're auditioning for national television. 128 00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:04,596 Lois, I told you. 129 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,181 There's no way... 130 00:05:06,265 --> 00:05:07,850 National television, you say? 131 00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:09,351 Coast to coast? 132 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,854 Well, that could be the ideal place 133 00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:14,273 to unleash my mass-hypnosis device 134 00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:16,275 on the unsuspecting public. 135 00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:19,027 Oh, I always loved this little sailor suit. 136 00:05:19,111 --> 00:05:21,196 Or we could do nice corduroys and a sweater. 137 00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:22,781 Or you could make yourself useful 138 00:05:22,865 --> 00:05:23,907 and wipe my button. 139 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,868 Circular motion, one finger-- 140 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,411 and don't you look at me! 141 00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,960 Oh, my God, that's Michael Eisner. 142 00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:37,171 I... I'll take it from here, Julio. 143 00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,216 Uh... here you go, Mr. Eisner. 144 00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:43,427 It's, uh... it's been Brianized. 145 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:46,096 You might notice that new script smell. 146 00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:49,391 Every car I hand-wash comes with a smile, an air freshener, 147 00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:52,186 and a copy on my can't-miss, coming-of-age teen comedy 148 00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:53,687 set in Wisconsin. 149 00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:54,980 -What's your name? -Brian. 150 00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:56,565 Let's see. 151 00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:57,941 There we go... 152 00:05:58,025 --> 00:06:00,360 Brian. 153 00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:01,945 See you at Disneyland. 154 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,488 Bring money. 155 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,164 Look. It's Tom Tucker from The News. 156 00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:13,790 And that must be his son. 157 00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:15,709 Oh, my. 158 00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:16,960 I feel bad staring 159 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,462 without having paid for a ticket. 160 00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:21,048 I mean, really, how am I supposed to follow that act? 161 00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:22,174 Bite the head off a chicken? 162 00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:23,800 Dad, they're staring at me. 163 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,093 They're just jealous. 164 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:26,970 Ew! 165 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,055 Uh... you're next. 166 00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,890 Hey, wait a minute. Wait. We were next. 167 00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:32,434 Hey! Hey, don't walk away from me! 168 00:06:32,518 --> 00:06:34,061 Hey! 169 00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:35,437 ( sighs ) 170 00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:36,563 You know what we're going to do? 171 00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:38,357 We're going to get the video camera out 172 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:39,525 and we'll make our own show. 173 00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:41,485 I don't want to! Yes, you do. 174 00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:43,862 You do because it's normal. 175 00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:48,242 Tell us, Stewie, what job does a mommy do? 176 00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:49,868 Oh, interesting question. 177 00:06:49,952 --> 00:06:52,496 More to the point, how does one define "job" 178 00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:55,207 without branding oneself with useless labels? 179 00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:56,834 Oh, I'm sorry. 180 00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,211 I'm afraid I answered your question with another question. 181 00:06:59,545 --> 00:07:02,548 Um... how old do you think Daddy is? 182 00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:03,882 42. 183 00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:06,718 Oh, um... uh... 184 00:07:06,802 --> 00:07:08,762 I mean... I mean... Daddy's old! 185 00:07:08,846 --> 00:07:10,222 I think he's seven. 186 00:07:10,305 --> 00:07:11,682 ( all laughing ) 187 00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:12,975 Yeah, that's it. 188 00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:15,686 That's what you want to hear, isn't it? 189 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,813 Yes, yes. Jump through the hoop. 190 00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:19,439 Daddy's feet smell! 191 00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:21,233 ( under breath ): Oh... jackasses. 192 00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:24,820 Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, he's adorable. 193 00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:26,613 Congratulations. 194 00:07:26,697 --> 00:07:28,699 Stewie's going to be on the show. 195 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,033 Did you hear that, Lois? 196 00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:31,368 We're going to Hollywood-- 197 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,412 where the people are sexy and clever 198 00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:35,330 and they always say something funny 199 00:07:35,414 --> 00:07:37,249 right before the commercial break. 200 00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:47,342 Oh, great. 201 00:07:47,426 --> 00:07:50,179 I always end up sitting next to a damn baby. 202 00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:51,471 What? What did you just say? 203 00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:52,931 Stewie, stop fussing. 204 00:07:53,015 --> 00:07:54,016 Not now, Lois. 205 00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:55,559 Hey, big man, turn around. 206 00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:56,685 If you've got something to say 207 00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:57,978 say it to my face! 208 00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,855 Oh, you can't hear me now? 209 00:07:59,938 --> 00:08:01,273 All right, that's it. 210 00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:03,442 I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. 211 00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:05,360 For the next five hours, you're my bitch. 212 00:08:05,444 --> 00:08:07,404 Waa! Waa! My ears are popping 213 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,115 and there's no way to console me. 214 00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:12,743 I'm hungry, and possibly teething! 215 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,494 Maybe I'm wet. 216 00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:15,704 Who knows? 217 00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:16,997 I'm a baby. 218 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,332 Waa! Waa! 219 00:08:21,919 --> 00:08:23,212 ( machine beeps ) 220 00:08:23,295 --> 00:08:25,422 Yeah, uh... this is a message for Brian. 221 00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:27,257 This is Jack Nicholson. 222 00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:29,968 Uh... listen, I read your script 223 00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:32,721 and it just, uh... you know, jumped right off the page. 224 00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:34,556 Uh... I think it's something 225 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:38,143 I'd be excited to be a part of, so, uh... call my, uh... but... 226 00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:39,520 ( laughing ) 227 00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:42,981 Listen, I'm just jacking you, man. 228 00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:46,151 Me and my buddy Phil just found your script at Starbucks 229 00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:47,236 Phil: Tell him it sucks. 230 00:08:47,319 --> 00:08:48,820 Yeah, it sucks! 231 00:08:48,904 --> 00:08:50,906 Give it up, loser. 232 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:54,117 And don't put your number on the cover, you stupid. 233 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,744 I'm hungry. 234 00:08:55,827 --> 00:08:56,870 ( hangs up ) 235 00:08:56,954 --> 00:08:57,955 ( phone rings ) 236 00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,164 Jasper's residence. 237 00:08:59,248 --> 00:09:01,083 Who the hell is Jasper? Where's Brian? 238 00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,543 Peter? It's me. 239 00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:03,710 Jasper's my cousin. 240 00:09:03,794 --> 00:09:05,337 I'm using his place while he's working at Club Med. 241 00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:06,588 Are you on a cell phone? 242 00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:07,881 Yeah, we're in L.A. 243 00:09:07,965 --> 00:09:11,593 What?! Uh... what a terrific surprise. 244 00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:14,638 Brian, can we see you for dinner? 245 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,515 Yeah... yeah, you're not too famous to get together 246 00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:17,933 with your old family, are you? 247 00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:19,393 Well, I, uh... uh... 248 00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:20,894 I was invited to the premiere of the new, uh... 249 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:26,567 the new Val Kilmer picture 250 00:09:26,650 --> 00:09:28,902 but I'd much rather take you guys out to dinner. 251 00:09:28,986 --> 00:09:30,612 How about Musso and Frank's, 8:00? 252 00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:34,575 Okay. See you later, Mr. Big Shot... 253 00:09:34,658 --> 00:09:36,201 Oh, crap. I didn't push "end." 254 00:09:36,285 --> 00:09:37,953 This is going to cost me a fortune. 255 00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:39,580 ( beep ) 256 00:09:41,373 --> 00:09:42,916 Brian! Okay, I'm back. 257 00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:44,251 Tell me everything. 258 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,419 I'm sitting, I'm hearing. 259 00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:46,962 That's Ricardo, Ricardo, Brian. 260 00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:48,172 He doesn't speak any English. 261 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:49,256 Can I? Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. 262 00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:50,883 Catching up-- okay, me first. 263 00:09:50,966 --> 00:09:52,968 I'm in love... ooh, too much dressing. 264 00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:54,261 He's from the Philippines. 265 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,221 I know, I know, I'm a rice queen. 266 00:09:56,305 --> 00:09:58,098 So how's the writing thingie going? 267 00:09:58,182 --> 00:10:00,017 Terrible. I can't even get my foot in the door. 268 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:01,894 Oh, okay, I have somebody you have to meet. 269 00:10:01,977 --> 00:10:03,395 He's a producer. He's great. 270 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,397 Really? Oh, thanks. 271 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:06,815 That would be great. 272 00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:08,317 So, do you like Sex in the City? 273 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:09,693 Yeah, it's an all right show. 274 00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:12,029 I wasn't talking about the show. 275 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,197 Ooh, I'm nasty! 276 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:14,573 ( imitates horn honking ) 277 00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:15,782 Someone send me out to sea. 278 00:10:18,202 --> 00:10:19,912 Ooh... it says here 279 00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:21,288 that this is the actual gutter 280 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:22,915 where the policeman fell over laughing 281 00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:24,249 after Eddie Murphy told him 282 00:10:24,333 --> 00:10:26,001 he was just giving the transvestite a ride home. 283 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:27,753 ( phone rings ) 284 00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:29,046 Oh, I think that's me. 285 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:30,214 Hello? 286 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:31,840 Hey, hey, Peter, it's Quagmire. 287 00:10:31,924 --> 00:10:33,675 Oh, hey, Quagmire. 288 00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:36,637 Guess what? Last night I had sex with a black chick. 289 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,305 Uh, I gotta go. 290 00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:39,890 Huh. Sorry. 291 00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,975 What? All he said was "black chick." 292 00:10:42,059 --> 00:10:43,769 Yeah, I know, but your boyfriend looks like 293 00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:45,187 one of your typical angry black guys 294 00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:46,647 and I didn't want to offend him. 295 00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:48,232 Hey, we cool, G'? 296 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,316 Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? 297 00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:50,692 All right. 298 00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:55,906 I, uh... I was thinking Halle Berry 299 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,366 would be perfect as the camp counselor 300 00:10:57,449 --> 00:10:58,534 all the kids want to get with. 301 00:10:58,617 --> 00:10:59,618 Jasper was right. 302 00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:01,161 You're very talented. 303 00:11:01,245 --> 00:11:03,121 You know, I'm having a brainstorm here. 304 00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:04,873 Have you ever thought about directing? 305 00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:06,834 Oh, just every waking hour! 306 00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:07,918 Well, I got this movie. 307 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,211 I'm not going to lie. 308 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:12,047 It's a low-budget movie, but the script is solid. 309 00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,299 My director dropped out and I need somebody 310 00:11:14,383 --> 00:11:16,218 who's smart, ambitious and not addicted to meth. 311 00:11:16,301 --> 00:11:18,011 Well, I am smart and ambitious. 312 00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:19,638 ( both laughing ) 313 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,014 Seriously. 314 00:11:21,098 --> 00:11:22,140 No, no. I'm clean. 315 00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,145 Brian: You know, uh, Musso and Frank's is famous. 316 00:11:27,229 --> 00:11:28,897 See the bar over there? 317 00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:31,066 Great writers like Hemmingway and Faulkner drank there. 318 00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:33,318 Hey... hey, where'd that guy who wrote Porky's drink? 319 00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:35,070 Huh? Huh? Oh, man. 320 00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:37,990 When that fat broad grabbed that kid's crank through the hole-- 321 00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:39,616 Ah! Where do they get their ideas? 322 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:41,118 Huh? Where do they get 'em? 323 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,661 You're the writer. You tell me. 324 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:44,496 Oh, boy, this is great. 325 00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:45,664 All that searching-- 326 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,541 that emptiness I felt back home-- gone. 327 00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:50,085 I think I've finally found my life's calling, you know? 328 00:11:50,169 --> 00:11:52,379 Oh, how wonderful. 329 00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:54,590 You know, Brian, I've always found your writing 330 00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,175 to be a little hackneyed and stilted 331 00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:57,426 but I guess that's why 332 00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:58,969 I'm not working out here in Hollywood, huh? 333 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,054 ( chuckles) 334 00:12:01,138 --> 00:12:04,349 Oh, congratulations on all your success. 335 00:12:04,433 --> 00:12:06,560 Uh... th-thank you. 336 00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,645 Hey, you know what might be a thrill for you guys? 337 00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:10,314 Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble! 338 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:13,066 Yes, but I was talking about stopping by the set 339 00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:14,443 to see me in action. 340 00:12:14,526 --> 00:12:16,612 Brian, could we really? 341 00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:19,656 Well, you, uh, you do know somebody in the business. 342 00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:21,909 Yes, well, I'm in the business, too, you know. 343 00:12:21,992 --> 00:12:23,535 I'm going to be on television. 344 00:12:23,619 --> 00:12:24,703 Great. 345 00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:26,038 Yes, and when I make my appearance 346 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,664 I promise you'll all be talking about it 347 00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:29,374 at the watercooler the next day. 348 00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:30,751 Yeah. Well, good luck with that. 349 00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:33,170 "Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz. 350 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,464 ( phone rings ) 351 00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:37,716 ( Woman on phone ): Hello. I'm trying to reach Peter Griffin. 352 00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:39,176 You're in him. 353 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,136 Mr. Griffin, are you happy with your long distance service? 354 00:12:41,220 --> 00:12:43,222 Yes, and I'm sick and tired 355 00:12:43,305 --> 00:12:45,015 of you people always calling during dinner. 356 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,600 I demand to speak to your supervisor. 357 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:47,809 Hold, please. 358 00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:50,354 ( mainstream '70s pop playing ) 359 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,481 Oh, Peter, I love this song. 360 00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:53,565 Open your mouth. 361 00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:56,735 ♪♪ Looks like we made it... ♪♪ 362 00:12:58,570 --> 00:13:01,114 Brian. Right on time-- I like that. 363 00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:02,866 Come in. 364 00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:04,076 So, ready? 365 00:13:04,159 --> 00:13:05,577 Ready to shoot your first scene? 366 00:13:05,661 --> 00:13:06,828 I sure am. Where's the set? 367 00:13:06,912 --> 00:13:07,996 Second door on your left. 368 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:17,256 So... this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right? 369 00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:19,508 Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one? 370 00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:20,926 Hey, can someone fluff Paul? 371 00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:23,220 He's got, like, a wind sock thing going on. 372 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:26,723 So this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right? 373 00:13:31,103 --> 00:13:32,354 Look, Zack, I'm... I'm sorry. 374 00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:33,814 There's just no way I can do this. 375 00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:35,774 I mean, I've been around, you know, I've... 376 00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,609 I've licked my share of peanut butter 377 00:13:37,693 --> 00:13:39,528 but... I-I just... I think you need to find yourself 378 00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,696 a new director. 379 00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:41,822 Are you sure? 380 00:13:41,905 --> 00:13:43,448 I just can't do this. 381 00:13:43,532 --> 00:13:45,701 Come on. Is this any more degrading than washing cars? 382 00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:47,578 At least here, you can be creative. 383 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,955 Look, I... I want to make this perfectly clear. 384 00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:52,791 There is absolutely no way I would possibly consider 385 00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:54,251 doing something like this. 386 00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:56,962 Unless I saw a script first. 387 00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:59,089 Of course. 388 00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:02,759 You know, this isn't bad. 389 00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:04,845 It's kind of like Bang the Drum Slowly 390 00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,346 Except the drum's a chick. 391 00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,517 ( horn honks ) 392 00:14:10,601 --> 00:14:12,144 ( tires squeal ) 393 00:14:12,227 --> 00:14:13,896 Peter, slow down. 394 00:14:13,979 --> 00:14:16,190 Brian said he was going to be on the set all day. 395 00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:18,025 Ah! "On the set." Listen to me! 396 00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:20,694 Two days in Hollywood, and I sound like a contract player. 397 00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:21,778 ( laughs ) 398 00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:23,405 ( siren blaring ) 399 00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:26,241 Oh, crap-- The L.A.P.D. 400 00:14:26,325 --> 00:14:29,536 ( grunting ) 401 00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:32,039 Come on, Peter, want to save some tape 402 00:14:32,122 --> 00:14:33,582 for the Hollywood sign. 403 00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:36,126 Okay. Hey, thanks a lot, you guys. 404 00:14:36,210 --> 00:14:37,336 Hey, our pleasure. 405 00:14:37,419 --> 00:14:38,754 Have a nice vacation, sir. 406 00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:39,838 Ooh! 407 00:14:41,340 --> 00:14:43,050 Woman: Yes... yes... 408 00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:44,176 Yes... 409 00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:45,844 ( panting ) 410 00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:47,387 Yes... 411 00:14:47,471 --> 00:14:48,889 Yes... Cut. 412 00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:51,433 Uh, okay. Uh, nice take, Jenna. 413 00:14:51,517 --> 00:14:54,436 But, uh, let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time. 414 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,022 Your husband's always away on business 415 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:59,316 and you feel increasingly isolated and unloved 416 00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:00,776 so you begin to think 417 00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,444 maybe you should go back to graduate school 418 00:15:02,528 --> 00:15:03,904 and finish your dissertation 419 00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:05,822 and that's when you notice the cable man 420 00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:07,157 has taken his pants off. 421 00:15:07,241 --> 00:15:09,076 Oh, wow! 422 00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:10,327 A real movie set! 423 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:11,995 Hey, this house looks kind of familiar. 424 00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:14,456 I'll bet Samuel L. Jackson is here. 425 00:15:14,540 --> 00:15:15,707 He's in everything. 426 00:15:15,791 --> 00:15:17,209 There's Brian! 427 00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:19,086 All right, now, Samuel, when you lay her down 428 00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,296 in front of the fireplace, I want you to enter from... 429 00:15:21,380 --> 00:15:22,714 Oh, my God! 430 00:15:22,798 --> 00:15:24,758 Uh, h-hey, you guys. 431 00:15:24,842 --> 00:15:26,134 Hey, Brian. Can I be in the movie? 432 00:15:26,218 --> 00:15:28,637 Well, actually, one of the Jacuzzi girls didn't show up. 433 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,722 How long can you hold your breath underwater, sweetie? 434 00:15:30,806 --> 00:15:32,724 Real long. One time at Hatch Pond... 435 00:15:32,808 --> 00:15:34,142 No! Absolutely not. 436 00:15:34,226 --> 00:15:35,644 This is a closed set. 437 00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:37,271 You gotta leave. Get these people out of here... now. 438 00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:40,065 Oh, what? Now that you're a big director, we embarrass you? 439 00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:42,401 No! No, I-I mean, yes. 440 00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:44,236 Does anyone else smell Astroglide? 441 00:15:46,572 --> 00:15:48,407 You're going to look so handsome. 442 00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:50,367 Oh, look at these crow's feet. 443 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,119 My God, you stay up past 7:30 444 00:15:52,202 --> 00:15:54,413 and you pay for it in the morning. 445 00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:56,915 Who the hell does Brian think he is? 446 00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:58,792 Well, maybe he thought we'd get in the way. 447 00:15:58,876 --> 00:16:00,502 I mean, it wouldn't be the first time 448 00:16:00,586 --> 00:16:01,753 you've disrupted a performance. 449 00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:11,138 Oh, geez! Oh, God! Oh, God, I didn't see it. 450 00:16:11,221 --> 00:16:13,223 It jumped right out in front of my car. 451 00:16:13,307 --> 00:16:15,350 Oh, I am so sorry. 452 00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:17,686 I think we just have to face it, Peter. 453 00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:19,688 Brian's a big-time Hollywood director 454 00:16:19,771 --> 00:16:21,857 and we're just simple, small-town people. 455 00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,400 Uh... all right, one more, one more. 456 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,735 Rob Lowe. 457 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:25,903 Straight. 458 00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:26,987 -No! -Yes. 459 00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:28,155 Come... stop. Ho-hum. 460 00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:29,573 Pull over. Absolutely. 461 00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:30,782 Really? Yep. 462 00:16:30,866 --> 00:16:32,117 Oh, well, he hides it well. 463 00:16:32,201 --> 00:16:33,202 Yeah, he wishes. 464 00:16:33,285 --> 00:16:34,578 ( applause ) 465 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:38,248 Stewie-- that's a funny name-- Stewie. 466 00:16:38,332 --> 00:16:41,126 It's like Stew, only with an "E" at the end. 467 00:16:41,210 --> 00:16:42,336 ( audience laughs ) 468 00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:43,670 Hmm. 469 00:16:43,754 --> 00:16:45,756 I meant it's funny, Stewie. 470 00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:50,093 See, I had an uncle named Stewie and he used to sell bicycles. 471 00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:51,428 Look, I'm sorry. 472 00:16:51,512 --> 00:16:53,430 Aren't you supposed to be asking me a question? 473 00:16:53,514 --> 00:16:56,141 Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of? 474 00:16:56,225 --> 00:16:57,351 Sunshine and farts! 475 00:16:57,434 --> 00:16:59,770 What the hell kind of question is that? 476 00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:03,565 I love candy! When I was a little boy 477 00:17:03,649 --> 00:17:06,109 we would play stickball. 478 00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:08,529 No, no, I'll wait. 479 00:17:08,612 --> 00:17:09,988 Oh, are you finished? 480 00:17:10,072 --> 00:17:11,823 I'm sorry. You know, it's my fault, really. 481 00:17:11,907 --> 00:17:14,117 I was under the impression the name of the show was 482 00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:15,619 Kids Say the Darndest Things 483 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,955 not Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell up. 484 00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:19,831 Ask me what I want to be when I grow up. 485 00:17:19,915 --> 00:17:21,834 And we also used to play brock-brock. 486 00:17:21,917 --> 00:17:23,502 Enough of your blather. 487 00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:24,962 Good evening, world. 488 00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:27,339 From this moment on, I will be your... 489 00:17:27,422 --> 00:17:28,507 Ooh! 490 00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:30,634 ( muttering and chortling ) 491 00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,261 What you got there? 492 00:17:32,344 --> 00:17:34,304 Oh, you get to go skiing now! 493 00:17:34,388 --> 00:17:35,848 Give... give that back to me! 494 00:17:35,931 --> 00:17:37,182 They're of no use to you! 495 00:17:37,266 --> 00:17:39,309 Oh, I'm going down the mountain. 496 00:17:39,393 --> 00:17:40,811 Goo-goo-ga-choo! 497 00:17:40,894 --> 00:17:41,979 ( all laughing ) 498 00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:44,314 No! Don't listen to him! 499 00:17:44,398 --> 00:17:45,899 That's not funny! 500 00:17:45,983 --> 00:17:48,986 That's just saying what happens when you go skiing!! 501 00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:50,279 Ah! 502 00:17:50,362 --> 00:17:51,780 Here I go, down the slope. 503 00:17:51,864 --> 00:17:53,907 Oh, I'm going zip-zop- zoopedy-bop! 504 00:17:55,492 --> 00:17:57,411 Stop it! Stop applauding him! 505 00:17:57,494 --> 00:18:00,122 He's not even using real words anymore! 506 00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:03,166 We'll be back with a little girl from Atlanta 507 00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:06,003 who skips rope with here sister's pigtails! 508 00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,421 ( muttering nonsense syllables) 509 00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:09,089 No! my segment's not over! 510 00:18:09,173 --> 00:18:10,424 Come on, little fellow. 511 00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:12,676 You like to jump rope, don't you? 512 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:15,262 ( robotic, child-like voice : I like jump rope. 513 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:19,266 All right, so you gonna just sit here and enjoy it. 514 00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:21,810 I'm going to sit here and enjoy it 515 00:18:21,894 --> 00:18:23,395 and I like pudding 516 00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:26,565 and Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen 517 00:18:26,648 --> 00:18:28,400 since Leonard Part VI. 518 00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:30,944 ( audience applauds ) 519 00:18:31,028 --> 00:18:33,238 Good news, good news! 520 00:18:33,322 --> 00:18:34,740 What, more people I love 521 00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:36,241 think I'm an arrogant jerk? 522 00:18:36,325 --> 00:18:37,492 You're more than that 523 00:18:37,576 --> 00:18:39,161 Mr. Nominated-for-an-adult movie-award 524 00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:40,370 for-Best-New-Director. 525 00:18:40,454 --> 00:18:42,289 A Woody? I'm up for a Woody? 526 00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:43,582 Come on! Call your family! 527 00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:45,709 I'll bet they'll be really proud of you. 528 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,504 No. I'd rather they think I'm a jerk than a smut peddler. 529 00:18:48,587 --> 00:18:50,380 Brian, they're your family. 530 00:18:50,464 --> 00:18:53,008 They'll love you even if you made a couple of crappy movies. 531 00:18:53,091 --> 00:18:55,385 I mean, Blythe Danner still loves Gwyneth Paltrow. 532 00:18:55,469 --> 00:18:56,720 Ooh! Score one for me. 533 00:19:00,349 --> 00:19:03,769 Welcome back to E!'s Adult Video Awards preshow. 534 00:19:03,852 --> 00:19:06,063 It's a good crowd here tonight, Mom. 535 00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:07,814 It sure is, Melissa. 536 00:19:07,898 --> 00:19:10,526 All the studs and sluts are arriving. 537 00:19:10,609 --> 00:19:12,319 Brian! Brian! 538 00:19:12,402 --> 00:19:13,403 Uh, hey. 539 00:19:13,654 --> 00:19:16,240 You're nominated for three of the seven films 540 00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:17,824 you directed yesterday-- 541 00:19:17,908 --> 00:19:20,827 Add Mama to the Train, The Purple Head of Cairo 542 00:19:20,911 --> 00:19:22,913 and, uh... what was the third one? 543 00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:25,332 Uh, You've Got Male Genitalia. 544 00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:27,876 You know, I was asked to star in a porno once 545 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,754 but I couldn't because, you know, most of my body 546 00:19:30,838 --> 00:19:32,214 is less than 18 years old. 547 00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:33,674 ( wheezing chuckle ) 548 00:19:33,757 --> 00:19:36,510 I used to guest-host the Tonight Show. 549 00:19:36,593 --> 00:19:39,137 Oh, yeah. What was that, like 30 years ago? 550 00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:41,431 Your mic isn't plugged in. 551 00:19:41,515 --> 00:19:45,018 You're... you're not even on television right now, are you? 552 00:19:45,102 --> 00:19:46,395 In my mind... 553 00:19:46,478 --> 00:19:48,355 ( sobs theatrically ) 554 00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:51,733 The next award is for best original score in an adult film 555 00:19:51,817 --> 00:19:54,361 and the nominees are Rod Jones... 556 00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:59,032 ( sultry jazz playing ) 557 00:19:59,116 --> 00:20:00,367 Walter Murphy... 558 00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:05,080 ( identical song playing) 559 00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:06,707 ...and John Williams. 560 00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:08,667 ( dramatic theme playing) 561 00:20:13,505 --> 00:20:14,506 Lois: Well, you've come a long way 562 00:20:14,590 --> 00:20:16,842 from hiding from the vacuum cleaner. 563 00:20:16,925 --> 00:20:18,385 Lois! 564 00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:21,513 Hey, buddy. Hey, how are you, Alfred Hitchcock... eh? Eh? 565 00:20:21,597 --> 00:20:23,140 You like that one, Dick Hurtz? 566 00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:25,142 Ah, I'm sorry. I'm already drunk. 567 00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:27,561 H-how did you guys know... I...? 568 00:20:27,644 --> 00:20:30,731 Jasper called. Brian, why didn't you tell us? 569 00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:32,357 I thought you'd be ashamed of me. 570 00:20:32,441 --> 00:20:34,193 Oh, are you kidding? I ought to knock you out 571 00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:35,611 for not bringing me here sooner. 572 00:20:35,694 --> 00:20:36,945 Look at the pair on that one, Lois. 573 00:20:37,029 --> 00:20:38,155 Bigger than your head. 574 00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:40,157 So you guys aren't offended by this? 575 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:41,950 Well, I can't say I approve, but... 576 00:20:42,034 --> 00:20:43,535 we love you. 577 00:20:43,619 --> 00:20:45,579 If this is what makes you happy 578 00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:46,955 we support you. 579 00:20:47,039 --> 00:20:50,209 My God. I-I thought I needed to get away from you guys 580 00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:52,669 to find what was missing in my life, but... 581 00:20:52,753 --> 00:20:55,297 the only thing I'm missing is my family. 582 00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:57,424 How could I ever have become involved 583 00:20:57,508 --> 00:20:59,593 in this filthy, degrading business?! 584 00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:02,763 M.C.: And the award goes to... Brian Griffin. 585 00:21:02,971 --> 00:21:04,431 Whoo! 586 00:21:09,603 --> 00:21:10,896 Whoo! 587 00:21:10,979 --> 00:21:13,148 Oh-ho! Wow! My God! 588 00:21:13,232 --> 00:21:16,777 This is unexpected. 589 00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:18,737 I want to thank my incredible production team 590 00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:20,948 who have been me from Shaving Private Ryan 591 00:21:21,031 --> 00:21:22,658 all the way to Welcome to my Face... 592 00:21:22,741 --> 00:21:25,661 He lives with us back in Quahog. 593 00:21:25,744 --> 00:21:27,871 You got a nice wiggle, baby. 594 00:21:27,955 --> 00:21:29,373 You want to be in a movie? Huh? 595 00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:30,916 Little girl-girl action, maybe? 596 00:21:30,999 --> 00:21:32,751 Ah! Peter! 597 00:21:32,835 --> 00:21:34,002 Good luck, buddy. 598 00:21:34,086 --> 00:21:36,672 I've been barking up that tree for 17 years. 599 00:21:38,715 --> 00:21:41,009 Wow, that was a wonderful trip 600 00:21:41,093 --> 00:21:43,637 and everyone has something to remember it by. 601 00:21:46,932 --> 00:21:49,518 You're going to love it at our house, Janet Jameison. 602 00:21:49,601 --> 00:21:52,020 ( muffled muttering )