♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪
♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪
♪♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪♪
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪♪
♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪
♪♪ He's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪
Gosh, some of this stuff
you wonder who would ever need it in bulk.
I mean, like watermelons.
Touché, CostMart.
Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute?
Sure.
And please a close eye on him.
Remember what happened last time.
Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself.
Shut up. You're not my mother!
Good God, are you all right?
Fine. Why do you ask?
Mmm, delicious.
I will seriously consider purchasing this product.
Oh, what have we here?
May I partake?
Mmm...
( Asian accent ): Ah, sausage-san.
Plan to buy great amount for samurai buddies.
Sir, you don't have to keep moving to the back of the line.
You can have as many as you want; they're free.
What are you talking about?
Hey, can I have some more sausage?
Yeah, me, too.
Oh, they got a great deal on pianos
if you buy a four-pack.
Meg, help me get these down.
MAN: Lois?
Oh, my God.
( Meg screams )
I don't believe this.
Ross Fishman, is that really you?
I haven't seen you since college.
How are you?
Great, great.
Wow, Lois, you haven't aged a bit.
( chuckling ): Oh...
Mm, thank you.
This 12-pack of fungicide is for my daughter, Meg.
( clears throat )
Help... me.
( shoppers laugh )
He's funny. That was great.
Is it 1981?
( inhales deeply )
Ah, yes, there you are.
You people at the Industrial Adhesives Corporation
certainly know how to make a tasty glue.
Now, then, let the banquet begin.
Whoa, whoa. What the hell are you doing?
Don't eat that.
Oh, for God's sake, don't be such a nerd.
Look, I'm supposed to keep an eye on you.
If Lois sees this, she'll kill me.
You can let go of my hand now.
You can let go of mine.
( grunting and groaning )
( yelling )
( breathing heavily )
Oh...
Crap.
Well, Ross,I can't tell you
how wonderful it's been to see you.
It's a crime that it's been so long.
We were so close.
Maybe we could get together for a cup of coffee. Catch up.
Well... I don't know, Ross.
I'm married now.
( chuckles )
Well, so am I.
Does that mean we're not allowed
to stay in touch with old friends?
Tell you what.
If you change your mind, here's my card.
Hey, look, Dad, they have 12-packs of kidneys.
Yeah, but you got to buy the cooler, too.
That's how they get you.
Okay, thanks.
Well?
Well, the good news is
the same company makes a solvent
that'll get us unstuck.
The bad news is, it takes two weeks for delivery.
You're telling me that we're stuck like this
for a bloody fortnight?
You cannot tell Lois about this.
Oh? And what if I do?
I'll show her those pictures of you
wearing her wedding dress.
You said there was no film in that camera.
Come on, Stewie, it's time to change your diaper.
Uh, mind if I watch?
And I'm just ashamed of myself, Brian
that I let Peter's jealousy
prevent me from rekindling an old friendship
just because it was with a man.
Yeah, Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy
when it comes to you and other men.
Like that time at the movies...
Uh, I-I-I... this is...
this is terribly awkward
but I-I-I-I wanted to tell you something
but I-I... oh, I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.
Ah, that Hugh Grant is so handsome.
Oh, is that how it is?
Come here you home-wrecking bastard!
( grunting )
Don't do it, Dad.
He's bigger than you.
And when you went to that concert.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
This next one
is for all the ladies out there.
And then there was last Saturday night.
Oh, look at that handsome man.
You son of a bitch!
I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life.
I'm going to call Ross
and see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer.
Would you mind finishing up?
Uh, sure.
Yes, yes, do you like cleaning my doodie, Brian?
Say it. Say, "I like cleaning your doodie, Stewie."
Ha! Don't forget the 'taint.
( theme music playing )
T.C., you fly the chopper around the island.
I'll go talk to the beautiful women
and Tattoo here will keep an eye out for the kidnappers.
Higgins.
We'll need to have security
unlock the gate for me out front. Okay, Tattoo?
It's Higgins.
What?
The-the name is Higgins.
What's your name?
It's Tattoo.
Oh, um, Peter
I'm just, uh... going to go out for a few hours.
Uh... so, I... I'll return in a few hours.
Yeah, I'll do it when this is over.
Hey, Lois, could you grab me a beer?
Lois?
Dad, I think she went out.
All right, then you be Lois.
Okay.
Hey, Lois, could you grab me a beer?
Oh, my God, you've really let yourself go.
Well, maybe if you bought me
some nice clothes once in a while.
( over loudspeaker ): Peter Griffin, we know you're in there.
Come out with your hands up.
Fooled you.
( laughing )
Yeah, you sure did.
What the hell is this?
It's the new police surveillance van.
We're going on a beer run.
Want to join us?
No. I quit drinking.
I think I might be an alcoholic.
-What?! Aw, man. -Oh, my God!
( laughs )
Fooled you.
Come on, let's go drink
till we can't feel feelings anymore.
This van has the latest in law enforcement technology.
Watch.
( mechanical voice ): Suspect! Suspect!
You have the right to remain silent.
Ah, sweet.
Hey, let me try.
Cleveland, don't!
Minority suspect!
Danger! He's got a gun.
Oh, ow, ow! oh...
Hey, Joe, the van's gone!
No, no. It's got a cloaking device
that disguises it as two homeless guys
fighting over a wedge of cheese.
Hey, Peter, isn't that Lois over there in that diner?
Nah. What would Lois be doing at a diner? I already ate.
Take a look.
Oh, my God, that is Lois!
Why the hell would she...
Whoa, I can see your skin cells.
Oh, hey, I saw your picture
on the cover of Scientific American.
You looked great.
Oh, please, where my eyes are, like, half-closed?
God, just take the damn compliment.
What the hell is Lois doing with another man?
Is it possible she's a whore?
You know, just on weekends to help pay for her mom's dialysis?
As in my fantasy?
You know what, let's just start over.
Hi, I'm Quagmire.
I wish I knew what she was saying.
I think I can help.
Oh, your wife and children are beautiful.
It's so good to catch up, Ross.
I'm glad I called.
I'm glad you did, too.
So was your husband okay with you coming here?
Uh, yes. He turned out to be just fine with it.
All right, let's see what we can pick up.
( static )
MORT GOLDMAN: Please don't spit in my eggs.
Thank you for the eggs.
God, I hope he didn't spit in my eggs.
WAITER: Hey, Doug, I just spit in that guy's eggs.
-DEEP VOICE: Our armies are ready. -( static )
Soon it will be time to leave the sewers
and strike back at the humans in the overworld.
I'm glad we both found someone to make us happy.
( static )
I really enjoy being with you, Ross.
I'm having a great time.
Oh, my God, that's who that is.
Ross Fishman, Lois's old boyfriend.
I think we're losing them.
Wait, I got to hear more.
Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high.
QUAGMIRE'S VOICE: Damn, this itches.
I wonder who gave it to me.
Probably that skank who needed a ride to the gas station.
Last time I do somebody a favor.
Oh, God, they must've heard me.
Oh, God, I can hear me!
♪♪ Ba da-da-da-da-da ba-dada ♪
♪♪ Bampa, bampa ♪♪
( wet, lapping sound )
Ugh!
What the hell do you think you're doing?
I'm cleaning myself.
Ugh, you were clean 15 minutes ago.
Now you're just on vacation.
So, Lois is seeing old boyfriends, huh?
Well, two can play at that game.
I just got to find my little black book.
Ah, here it is.
Uh, Brenda?
( raspy-voiced ): Peter.
Oh, my God, it's been 25 years.
Yeah.
So, uh, I guess you're married now, huh?
Yeah.
( thud )
Hey, Ricky, you were right.
I was pregnant.
Hey, what's up, Pete? Long time, no see.
Gosh, Patty, the years have been great to you.
Well, I owe that to my better half.
Who is it, sir?
Uh, Angie?
Peter?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, come in.
Uh, what is all this stuff?
Peter, I have been waiting for this moment for 25 years.
I haven't washed my hand since you last touched it.
Oh, my God, that's disgusting.
And look, look!
I've left the toilet just as it was
the night we went to prom.
It's the little piece of you that's kept your memory alive.
But now I have you back.
( slams )
Oh, well, at least I still have you.
You hungry?
( siren wailing )
Oh, crap.
All right, let me handle this.
You were going 65, fella.
That's ten miles over the...
Why are you holding that infant's hand?
Oh, we met on the Internet.
Shut up. Yes, he lured me down to the park
with promises of candy and funny stories.
Officer, you ever hear of that Super Industrial Adhesive?
Actually, yes, we have.
Dad, how come you keep looking at the door?
( chuckling ): Oh, Meg, you and your drugs.
( doorbell rings )
Huh, I wonder who that could be.
Peter Gifford?
My God, Dora, my old girlfriend.
What a surprise that you would want to look me up.
You always thought I was so handsome.
Peter, can I see you in the other room?
Yeah, yeah, say it.
-Should I? -Yeah.
-I can't. -Just say it.
How far can you get this banana down...
I can't say it; she's looking right at me.
Peter, what the hell is this about?
I'll tell you what it's about.
It's about you and Ross Fishman.
-What? -I saw you with him the other day
breaking the fifth commandment.
Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.
That's it.
Peter, you're suffocating me with your jealousy.
I can't take it anymore.
I'm calling a marriage counselor.
I can't even have coffee with a friend
without you freaking out.
What is your problem?
You want to know what my problem is?
I love too much.
What are you talking about?
Don't you see, Lois? We're alive!
Peter, you're scaring me.
Good! Embrace the fear.
Dance with me, Lois.
Dance the dance of life.
Yeah, maybe you should call that marriage counselor.
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I've reviewed your situation
and I have a suggestion.
We're willing to do whatever it takes.
I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house
so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.
Wow, just like that show Big Brother.
Except somebody will be watching.
All right, I've looked through all the video footage
and I've compiled what I believe to be
an accurate cross section of your home life.
Here are the results.
Peter, give Chris a spanking.
Okay.
Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Ow!
"Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot.
Today he was out in the yard raking leaves."
( laughing )
"God, I wish he'd throw me into that pile of leaves."
( laughing )
Hey, what's everybody... Oh, my God, my diary!
I hate you all!
( crying )
Keep going.
No! It's step, hip, step, pivot.
Are you trying to piss off the volcano?
Get my back, would you?
Oh, that's it.
Ooh, that feels good.
Hey, Lois, can you give me a hand with this jar?
Oh, for heaven's sake, Peter.
( screaming )
( laughing ): Gotcha!
To be honest, I've never seen such dysfunction.
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, what I'm about to suggest
may seem unorthodox.
I recommend a trial separation
during which time I advise that you date other people.
I believe this will help you
gather perspective on your marriage.
Date other people?
Oh, my God.
I realize that this is very upsetting for you.
That's why I've invited Howie Mandel to lighten the mood
by blowing up a surgical glove with his nose.
( inhales deeply )
( gasps )
( laughs )
Boy, this feels really weird, Lois.
I know, but maybe the doctor's right.
This time apart could be good for us.
I don't know, Lois.
Splitting up didn't work too well for Pac-Man and his wife.
Hey, come on, buddy, forget about her.
Yeah, you're too good for her, anyway.
Cheer up, man.
Hey, hey, you want to eat us?
We're turning blue!
Oh, my God, we got nowhere to run!
He's going to get us!
Oh, he's not budging.
Come on, let's go to Q-Bert's.
I really appreciate
you putting me up, Cleveland.
Our house is your house, Peter.
I'd sit here and chat with you
but I need to get back upstairs to Loretta
because it's our anniversary and the gettin's good.
-CLEVELAND: Ow! Ow! Ow! -( thumping )
-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! -( thumping )
When is it going to be my turn?
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! ( thumping )
Peter, you are welcome to stay with us
as long as you like.
Oh, thanks, Muriel.
So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
We like to watch old movies
while listening to "Hotel California"
to see if it synchs up in a significant way
and so far, no, nothing has.
( phone rings )
Hello?
Hey, Lois, is Peter there?
Oh, hi, Quagmire.
No, Peter's not home.
We're, uh... we're having some minor marital problems.
Our therapist has advised us to date other people.
Hey, Lois, you want to go out?
What?
I don't know, Glenn.
Peter and I just separated.
I feel like I need more time.
How about now?
Well, we are supposed to see other people
and I guess it's better to go out with you
than some sex pervert.
I'm in! Giggedy-giggedy
giggedy-giggedy-goo!
( Stewie gasping for breath )
Oh! God blast it, will you hold it for five seconds?
( panting )
Okay.
( lisping ): So, Mr. Griffin
how's it feel to be
a bachelor on the prowl once again?
Eh, it's not as great as you might think.
I guess I just don't have
the same way with women that I used to.
( coughing and choking )
Mm, that was nice, that was nice.
I had a really great time
with you today, beautiful stranger.
What's your sign?
( coughing )
Ha, gross.
I still think you're neat, though.
You should try a video dating service, Peter.
That's how Muriel and I met.
Let me show you Mort's tape.
He was so charming.
Ah, oh, my eyes!
Could you please turn down that very bright light?
It's burning my retinas.
Ladies, I'm a very desperate man.
My name is Mort and I live with my mother
and I have very low standards.
( sneezes )
Oh, God, there's blood in my mucous!
( fly buzzing )
Ahh! What the hell is wrong with you!?!
Hey, there's the mail!
Oh, finally.
All right, it says it takes an hour
for this solvent to take effect.
Well, let's see-- what takes an hour?
We could watch Rita Rudner do five minutes of stand-up.
Ba-zing.
Oh, boy, we're going
to have a swell time tonight, Lois.
Glenn, thank you for being such a good friend
and looking after me like this.
No problem.
It's kind of chilly out, so I brought you a jacket.
No, thanks, I'll be fine.
Please?
Peter, Muriel and I both feel
that you need to follow your therapist's advice
and start dating.
Oh, jeez, Mort, I don't know if I'm ready.
Oh, come on, stud.
We've got it all set up for you
to go out with our niece.
Honey, come on out here and meet Peter Griffin!
Peter, this is our niece, Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Nice to meet you.
All right, I'm getting up.
Hi. Peter Griffin.
So where do you want to go?
We can go anywhere except the disco.
They don't let me in there anymore.
( dance music playing )
Ah! Oh!
Crafty Mexicans and your glass candy.
Hey, what's going on?
There's a little girl down in that well.
Oh, my God.
Unfortunately, nobody's arms
are long enough to reach her
except that one guy, but he's helping that woman
tickle a midget in a tree.
Tee-hee. Oh, stop!
Tee-hee.
( giggling )
Oh, God, you want to rescue her, don't you?
Ugh. It's times like this
I wish they'd used me for stem cell research.
Help me!
"It rubs the lotion on its skin
or else it gets the hose again." Ha!
All right, I'm going to lower you in.
I just noticed-- how often do you see
a 17th century well in this day and age?
Hurry up! The glue's wearing off!
All right, all right.
We did it.
Job well done.
And we're not stuck together anymore.
Thank God. You said it.
You want to hold hands on the walk home?
Yeah, sure.
Oh, Suzie.
Thank God, you're all right.
Wait a minute, this isn't my little girl.
Hey, that was my wife!
Tee-hee. Tee-hee.
I Know What You Did Last Summer?
No, never heard of it.
The Devil and Daniel Webster?
Nope.
Party of Five?
Was that a porno?
( sighs )
Don't worry about it.
Sometimes you got to do a lot of crap
before they put you in anything decent.
Oh, the food here is fantastic.
This is where I took Lois on our first date.
You ordered a pie for an appetizer?
Don't worry. I'll go to the john
and fire one out in about five minutes.
That should make some room for dinner.
Here's your table, Mr. Quagmire.
Thanks. Hey, how about a couple of drinks?
Certainly, sir. Martini for you
and the usual roofie colada for your date?
No, no, no...
( mumbling )
...glass of wine.
Oh, my God, it's Jennifer Love Hewitt!
Wow, I wonder who she's here with.
She could date any man she wanted to.
There, made lots of room.
Hey, waiter, that sign in the bathroom
about washing your hands--
that's only for the staff, right?
Uh, technically, yes.
That's what I thought. Great.
Oh, man, these all look good, every one of them.
Hey, you want some bread?
No!
Peter, is that you?
Peter? Oh, no!
I can't let him see me!
It's okay, Quagmire.
We're just doing what the therapist said we should do.
Peter, I think it's great
you're out with Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Hi.
I loved you in Heartbreakers.
You be on your best behavior.
Here you go, sweetheart, open up.
No!
There you go.
Isn't this romantic?
That's it.
You have got to be the most vile
disgusting human being I've ever met
and I have never been
more turned on in my life.
Hold on, toot!
I don't care what our therapist says
I'm not going to stand by and watch my husband
lock lips with another woman!
Now beat it!
What's your problem, grandma?
You are, and I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane!
And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free!
Wow, that was pretty cool, Lois.
Huh, gosh, I guess I finally understand...
( screaming )
Yeah, you better run, you little bitch!
I guess I finally understand how you
can get so jealous sometimes.
Oh, seeing her kiss you like that just made me crazy.
Well, I-I guess we're just going to have to learn
to control our jealousy...
together.
Together.
Ma'am, you dropped your napkin.
Here's your drink, sir.
Eh, we'll work on it later.
I love you, Lois.
I love you, too, Peter.
What a couple of freaks.
God, I need a drink.
Waiter, martini and a roofie colada!