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♪ It seems today
that all you see
♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old‐fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Coming up tonight: Quahog's own
poet laureate comes to the set
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and graces us with her...
Oh, God, that's tonight?
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Hey, Jerome, turn on the game.
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Sorry, guys, cable's out.
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We're only getting
local stations.
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Oh, what, so now we got
to talk sports to pass the time?
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Or maybe watch Gilmore Girls.
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Just as, like, a goof.
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You know,
if you want to talk sports,
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I've got quite a story to tell.
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Oh! Oh! This is the one
where Lorelai's mom makes
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her martini with an onion
instead of an olive.
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Boy, that's
a passive‐aggressive move.
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If you knew her mom,
you'd know that's
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a passive‐aggressive move.
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It all started
when I was a young boy...
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Last chance
on this Gilmore Girls thing.
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I was a baseball prodigy.
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It was back home
in the Cuban league.
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I grew up working in the tobacco
fields outside of Havana.
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That's where I learned
to play baseball.
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Our mitts were made of cigars,
some of them still going.
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All right! Ha!
All right, I caught it!
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At night I drove a cab.
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We all had to drive
huge cars there.
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I was just a regular young man
wearing pants
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that went above my belly button.
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Pull your pants up.
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When I was nine,
my father took me
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to my first baseball game.
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Fidel Castro was there
to throw out the first pitch.
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He was wearing
the same outfit as always.
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Later we would find out
he had a fashion disease
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known as
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
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We would write more jokes
about him,
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but our dumb‐dumb writers
only know what he looks like.
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Strike!
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(cheering and applause)
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We all worshipped Che Guevara.
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Although none of us really knew
what side he was on.
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Thank you?
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But we knew he'd make
a great poster
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in college dorm rooms someday.
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ANNOUNCER: Please rise
for the Cuban National Anthem.
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( I Love Lucy theme song
playing)
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CLEVELAND: In Cuba,
we hated America so much,
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we copied everything they did.
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And died trying to get there.
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(crowd cheering, clamoring)
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(music ends)
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Castro said there were CIA
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all over our island,
but I never saw any.
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(cheering, clamoring)
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Yeah! Ha‐ha! All right!
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But from that day on,
I fell in love with baseball.
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I dreamed of one day
playing in the big leagues,
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so I signed up for a montage
to get better.
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(glass breaks)
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(Cuban music playing)
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I was at the top of my game.
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I didn't even need
the full montage.
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I was even recruited to play
on Cuba's national team,
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00:03:35,096 --> 00:03:36,566
the Gooding Juniors.
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ANNOUNCER: Tonight,
the Cuba Gooding Juniors
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take on the Haiti Joel Osments!
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We tried to play,
but it was difficult
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because hurricane season
was February through January.
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(all shouting)
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Every time, a hurricane
would sweep through,
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decimating the island,
causing hundreds
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of dollars worth of damage.
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Aah!
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Under Castro, every male
over the age of 18
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was required to serve
two years as a band leader.
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♪ Babaloo‐oo‐oo ♪
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♪ Babaloo‐oo‐oo ♪
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♪ Jungo ♪
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♪ Oo‐oo‐oo ♪
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♪ Babaloo ♪
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(vocalizing)
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♪ Ta empezando lo velorio ♪
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♪ Que le hacemo a babalu. ♪
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I loved baseball,
but yearned to play in America.
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I would look across the water
and dream about
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the great time
they must be having there.
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I bet it's not so great.
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♪ If you're going my way ♪
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♪ I want to drive it
all night long ♪
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♪ Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, yeah... ♪
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Dang it!
I'm at the wrong country.
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I knew what I had to do.
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It was nothing against Cuba.
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Cuba was nice.
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We had a Bay of Hotties,
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but also another bay
of less attractive women.
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I forget what they called it.
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However, tensions between
the U. S. and Cuba were high.
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Castro was not happy
that they had named
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the most dangerously gay part
of San Francisco after him.
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Defecting to the U. S. was
punishable by prison or death.
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But I was determined.
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Then came my chance.
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The Cuba Gooding Juniors had
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an away game in Barbados.
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Oy, herma we can escape
to the Cayman Islands.
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Cayman, my ass.
I'm going to America.
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Okay, when we land in America,
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we all have to stop
saying "Cooba."
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The sea was choppy,
and the sharks were relentless.
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‐(snores) ‐(knock on door)
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- Who is it?
- MALE: Uh, not a shark?
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- Don't open it!
- MALE: No, it's just people.
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- MALE 2: Yeah, people.
- MALE 3: And sharks.
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MALE:
Shh! No sharks. Just people.
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CLEVELAND:
After a week at sea,
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we saw the glittering lights
of Miami.
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(cheering)
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It was beautiful.
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Then we decided
to go to Quahog instead,
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which took eight more months.
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Eventually,
I signed a large deal
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with the Toronto Blue Jays.
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But because I was
from a warm‐weather climate,
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it didn't work out.
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- I still remember
my first major‐league game.
- (cheering)
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It was four hours
and 25 minutes long.
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I was like, "What the (bleep)?"
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Wow, Cleveland. I had no idea
you played baseball.
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Too bad you couldn't
hit a home run
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with The Cleveland Show.
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00:06:52,925 --> 00:06:54,629
Well, it certainly
wasn't a whiff.
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More of a foul out.
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It was a double.
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You know,
you're not the only one
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who got a taste of sports glory.
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I had a pretty good run, myself.
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Scrawny little guy like you,
Quagmire?
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What did you play?
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I was
a competitive tennis player.
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Some might say too competitive.
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But I was
the breath of fresh air
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that the stuffy tennis world
needed.
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I was born
into a real tennis family.
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On my first birthday,
my mother gave me a little Head.
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I wanted to be the first
male cheerleader for tennis.
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I cheer on two occasions:
day and night!
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- Ooh, tennis!
- (crowd booing)
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And when that was weird,
I decided to just play tennis.
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But it was understood I'd
grow up to be a tennis player
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like my father
and his father before him
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and his father before him.
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We came from a long line
of tennis dicks.
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I had six brothers,
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but they'd all
sliced off their hands
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opening a tennis ball can,
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possibly the most dangerous
object known to mankind.
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Hey, guys.
Anyone want to play tennis?
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Llewellyn, no!
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(screaming)
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00:08:04,167 --> 00:08:05,938
QUAGMIRE:
But I would do
everything I could
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to make
my now‐female father happy.
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Practices were intense.
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PETER:
I feel like you skipped over
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a very big story point
right there.
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QUAGMIRE:
My father was
a World War II vet,
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so he used to make me
reenact the D‐Day landing
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with tennis ball machines.
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(gasps)
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00:08:22,505 --> 00:08:24,207
(grunting)
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But the work paid off.
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I got invited
to the first U. S. Open,
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which, at the time,
was called the U. S. Now Open.
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There, I met the player
who would become my archrival:
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Sweden's Hedd Banssen.
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He'd bring his personal chef
to every match,
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which was very distracting.
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Aah!
What the hell?
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Hergy bergy meatball throwy!
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00:08:45,249 --> 00:08:46,753
(grunts)
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00:08:46,819 --> 00:08:49,491
Come on, this can't be legal.
What are you, blind?
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Serve ball!
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QUAGMIRE:
I was the bad boy of tennis,
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00:08:56,271 --> 00:08:59,745
and my unconventional style
of play changed the game.
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Before I came along,
tennis was so safe,
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00:09:02,116 --> 00:09:04,421
it was customary
to hit a six‐handed backhand.
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00:09:04,487 --> 00:09:07,761
I pioneered
the one‐handed backhand
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00:09:07,828 --> 00:09:10,934
and, eventually,
the no‐handed backhand.
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00:09:11,001 --> 00:09:12,203
(cheering)
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00:09:12,270 --> 00:09:14,875
Quagmire, I love your backhand.
199
00:09:14,942 --> 00:09:17,113
That sounds
like a backhanded compliment.
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00:09:17,180 --> 00:09:18,349
(audience gasps)
201
00:09:18,415 --> 00:09:21,021
I also flouted tennis etiquette
202
00:09:21,088 --> 00:09:23,158
by wearing
the longest, baggiest shorts
203
00:09:23,225 --> 00:09:25,496
the game had ever seen.
204
00:09:25,564 --> 00:09:27,333
People criticized
my style of play
205
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,538
because I argued with umpires
206
00:09:29,605 --> 00:09:31,475
and was taught
to bounce the ball 40 times
207
00:09:31,542 --> 00:09:33,647
before my serve.
208
00:09:55,089 --> 00:09:56,324
(grunts)
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00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,665
JUDGE:
Let, first service.
210
00:10:11,354 --> 00:10:13,025
I'd won the U. S. Open,
211
00:10:13,092 --> 00:10:14,862
but I wouldn't settle
for just that.
212
00:10:14,929 --> 00:10:17,968
My goal
was the coveted Grand Slam:
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00:10:18,035 --> 00:10:21,542
pancakes, eggs, sausage
and bacon at Denny's.
214
00:10:21,609 --> 00:10:24,214
One day, Glenn.
One day.
215
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,218
Maybe your birthday.
216
00:10:26,284 --> 00:10:28,890
♪
217
00:10:33,332 --> 00:10:35,670
I made it to Wimbledon
218
00:10:35,737 --> 00:10:38,175
and got to play
in front of the queen‐‐
219
00:10:38,242 --> 00:10:39,244
Freddie Mercury.
220
00:10:39,310 --> 00:10:42,316
I altered my 40‐bounce routine
just for him.
221
00:10:42,383 --> 00:10:44,789
(bouncing and clapping
to rhythm of "We Will Rock You")
222
00:10:47,260 --> 00:10:51,034
It was an honor playing
for Freddie on grass that day.
223
00:10:51,101 --> 00:10:54,274
He later died.
The doctor said it was asphalt.
224
00:10:54,340 --> 00:10:55,911
- ♪
- (grunts)
225
00:10:58,215 --> 00:10:59,417
(grunting)
226
00:11:09,572 --> 00:11:11,341
(cheering)
227
00:11:13,513 --> 00:11:17,119
It was the era before AIDS,
but a lot of tennis players
228
00:11:17,186 --> 00:11:20,159
had to deal with the scourge
of Penis Gerulaitis.
229
00:11:20,226 --> 00:11:22,063
Despite my on‐court
temper tantrums,
230
00:11:22,129 --> 00:11:23,933
I was on top of the world.
231
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:27,139
And that's when I saw her:
Tatum O'Seventies.
232
00:11:27,206 --> 00:11:29,110
The hottest actress of the era.
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00:11:29,177 --> 00:11:31,348
She was fresh off her success
playing an 11‐year‐old
234
00:11:31,414 --> 00:11:33,987
in a Little League movie,
which, for some reason,
235
00:11:34,053 --> 00:11:36,157
made her the biggest sex symbol
in Hollywood.
236
00:11:36,993 --> 00:11:39,932
- Thought you might need this.
- Thanks. I'm Glenn.
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00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:42,671
I know. I watched you smash your
racket and scream at a baby.
238
00:11:42,738 --> 00:11:44,140
You know,
if you're free after this,
239
00:11:44,207 --> 00:11:45,710
we could go back to my place
240
00:11:45,777 --> 00:11:48,315
and try to fit some balls
in your can.
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00:11:48,382 --> 00:11:49,985
I practiced tantrum sex,
242
00:11:50,052 --> 00:11:52,390
something I'd learned from Sting
but probably misheard.
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00:11:52,456 --> 00:11:55,496
QUAGMIRE:
What?! Are you crazy?
That was in!
244
00:11:55,563 --> 00:11:59,137
We became New York's "It" couple
of the '70s.
245
00:11:59,203 --> 00:12:01,909
We hung out at Studio 55.
246
00:12:01,976 --> 00:12:03,947
There was no one there.
247
00:12:04,013 --> 00:12:06,384
We could hear a lot of noise
coming from next door.
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00:12:06,451 --> 00:12:10,326
I got to meet the greatest
athletes of my generation.
249
00:12:10,392 --> 00:12:12,564
Glenn, how would you like
to meet Bobby Orr?
250
00:12:12,631 --> 00:12:14,100
- Or who?
- Bobby Orr.
251
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,104
Yeah, Bobby or who?
What's the other choice?
252
00:12:16,171 --> 00:12:18,284
- It's Bobby Orr!
- You told me Bobby's
the first choice!
253
00:12:18,308 --> 00:12:20,446
- What's the alternative?
- All right, forget that.
254
00:12:20,513 --> 00:12:22,083
Do you want to meet Rick Monday?
255
00:12:22,149 --> 00:12:24,153
Well, sure, I could do Monday,
but who is it?
256
00:12:24,220 --> 00:12:27,527
By the 1980s,
things were starting to unravel.
257
00:12:28,495 --> 00:12:29,598
(yells)
258
00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:31,067
Aw, damn it!
259
00:12:31,134 --> 00:12:33,673
My temper on the court
was increasingly an issue.
260
00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:34,608
Out.
261
00:12:34,675 --> 00:12:37,013
Are you serious?!
You cannot be serious!
262
00:12:37,079 --> 00:12:40,019
I had a hard time
telling if people were serious.
263
00:12:40,085 --> 00:12:42,023
I spilled spot remover
on my dog,
264
00:12:42,089 --> 00:12:43,559
and now he's gone.
265
00:12:43,626 --> 00:12:45,162
QUAGMIRE:
Are you serious?!
266
00:12:45,229 --> 00:12:47,099
I became famous
for smashing rackets
267
00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:49,037
when things didn't go my way.
268
00:12:49,103 --> 00:12:51,117
Of course, back then,
we didn't have multiple rackets,
269
00:12:51,141 --> 00:12:53,880
so I was forced to play with it.
270
00:12:56,719 --> 00:12:58,556
♪
271
00:12:58,623 --> 00:13:02,496
Ultimately, my career ended
when I developed the yips.
272
00:13:06,304 --> 00:13:10,212
And in 2001, at the U. S. Open,
my first serve hit a plane,
273
00:13:10,279 --> 00:13:13,553
causing it to go tragically
off course and hit a building.
274
00:13:13,619 --> 00:13:16,124
(explosion)
275
00:13:16,191 --> 00:13:19,230
Everyone blamed the Muslims.
276
00:13:19,297 --> 00:13:22,403
My second serve was no better.
277
00:13:30,553 --> 00:13:33,024
You guys talking sports stories?
278
00:13:33,091 --> 00:13:36,030
You know, I won a bronze medal
in the '84 Olympics.
279
00:13:36,097 --> 00:13:37,399
Are you serious?!
280
00:13:37,466 --> 00:13:40,205
Track and field.
It's a pretty good story.
281
00:13:40,272 --> 00:13:42,844
It's a series of coincidences
that if someone wrote,
282
00:13:42,911 --> 00:13:45,382
no one would believe.
283
00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:46,484
(soft ding)
284
00:13:46,552 --> 00:13:49,056
Oh, my God,
why is there only half a medal?
285
00:13:49,123 --> 00:13:51,294
Hoo!
How much time you got?
286
00:13:51,361 --> 00:13:53,465
We got about seven minutes,
and I haven't gone yet.
287
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:54,701
Rocky.
288
00:13:54,768 --> 00:13:56,505
♪
289
00:13:56,572 --> 00:13:59,811
Like most, my day began
with block letters of my name
290
00:13:59,878 --> 00:14:02,149
floating past the screen.
291
00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:05,657
I grew up on the mean streets
of Philadelphia,
292
00:14:05,723 --> 00:14:07,326
the City of Brotherly Love.
293
00:14:07,393 --> 00:14:10,499
Or, as I called it, America's
Northernmost Hillbillies.
294
00:14:10,567 --> 00:14:12,737
I was an Italian guy
from the South Side
295
00:14:12,804 --> 00:14:14,407
who never had a chance in life.
296
00:14:14,473 --> 00:14:18,481
But I had a dream: to one day
be the heavyweight champ.
297
00:14:18,549 --> 00:14:19,483
Yo, Petey!
298
00:14:19,551 --> 00:14:20,553
Yo, fella!
299
00:14:20,620 --> 00:14:22,289
Yo, Petey!
300
00:14:22,356 --> 00:14:23,693
Yo, Delayheehoo!
301
00:14:23,759 --> 00:14:25,062
(lively harmonizing)
302
00:14:25,128 --> 00:14:27,066
It was a tough time
in Philadelphia.
303
00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:29,170
We were losing
dozens of men every day
304
00:14:29,237 --> 00:14:31,374
to singing
over open trash can fires.
305
00:14:31,441 --> 00:14:32,711
Yo, Petey!
306
00:14:32,777 --> 00:14:33,846
Yo, Flaming Guy!
307
00:14:33,913 --> 00:14:36,184
Aah! Aah!
308
00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:39,257
I was a two‐bit knuckle breaker
for the mob.
309
00:14:39,323 --> 00:14:41,729
But it was a flash mob.
310
00:14:41,795 --> 00:14:44,701
- ♪
- You owe us two grand.
311
00:14:45,703 --> 00:14:47,540
Don't make me come back.
312
00:14:47,607 --> 00:14:49,243
♪
313
00:14:49,310 --> 00:14:51,749
You better pay
or we'll funk you up.
314
00:14:51,815 --> 00:14:54,220
I said we will funk you up.
315
00:14:54,287 --> 00:14:56,190
Like most fighters,
I fell in love
316
00:14:56,257 --> 00:14:59,130
with the local autistic girl
who worked at the pet shop.
317
00:14:59,196 --> 00:15:00,867
I was one of her pet shop boys.
318
00:15:00,933 --> 00:15:02,871
Yo, hey, turtles.
How you doin'?
319
00:15:02,937 --> 00:15:04,373
How come they're not moving?
320
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,377
You sat on them yesterday.
They're dead.
321
00:15:06,444 --> 00:15:09,518
- What happened to your eye?
- I got beat up again in a fight.
322
00:15:09,584 --> 00:15:12,256
Yo, Lois, the San Gennaro
festival was last weekend.
323
00:15:12,323 --> 00:15:13,535
You know,
I was wondering if, uh,
324
00:15:13,559 --> 00:15:16,497
- maybe you might want
to go to it with me.
- When is it?
325
00:15:16,565 --> 00:15:20,138
- Last weekend.
- Well, then I don't think
that's possible, Peter. No.
326
00:15:20,205 --> 00:15:22,544
I could see she was gonna
play hard to get.
327
00:15:22,610 --> 00:15:25,215
All right, okay, well, uh,
want to maybe go to the park
328
00:15:25,282 --> 00:15:26,919
and feed the pigeons yesterday?
329
00:15:26,985 --> 00:15:29,423
Peter, I already did
yesterday stuff. Sorry.
330
00:15:29,490 --> 00:15:31,695
Well, then how about we
just get coffee this morning
331
00:15:31,762 --> 00:15:34,601
- before you got to be at work?
- It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
332
00:15:34,668 --> 00:15:36,772
I'm afraid
that's not gonna work, either.
333
00:15:36,839 --> 00:15:38,408
Okay, well,
I'll circle back last week
334
00:15:38,475 --> 00:15:40,212
and see what
your schedule looks like.
335
00:15:40,278 --> 00:15:43,786
I was not the smartest guy,
but I wasn't gonna give up.
336
00:15:43,853 --> 00:15:46,190
♪
337
00:15:46,257 --> 00:15:49,163
I lived in the Little Italy
section of Philly.
338
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,539
My apartment was tiny.
339
00:15:53,606 --> 00:15:55,710
(grunting)
340
00:15:55,777 --> 00:15:59,551
I didn't have much stuff,
but, still, it felt cramped.
341
00:15:59,618 --> 00:16:01,220
(clattering)
342
00:16:01,287 --> 00:16:04,326
I really needed a bigger place.
343
00:16:05,897 --> 00:16:07,299
I wanted to work the speed bag,
344
00:16:07,366 --> 00:16:09,336
but my gym was so cheap
it didn't have one.
345
00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:10,706
So I had to do the noises.
346
00:16:10,773 --> 00:16:12,419
Dug‐a‐duh, dug‐a‐duh, dug‐a‐duh,
dug‐a‐duh, dug‐a‐duh.
347
00:16:12,443 --> 00:16:13,445
Harder hit!
348
00:16:13,512 --> 00:16:16,317
I fought my way up
through the amateur ranks.
349
00:16:16,384 --> 00:16:18,622
Most fights, my greatest
challenge was entering the ring
350
00:16:18,689 --> 00:16:20,927
without getting completely
tangled in the ropes.
351
00:16:20,993 --> 00:16:23,498
Little help?
Is my butt out?
352
00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:24,500
My butt's out, isn't it?
353
00:16:24,568 --> 00:16:26,738
Sorry you got to see that
back there, ma'am.
354
00:16:26,805 --> 00:16:29,376
Yeah, I couldn't wipe.
I had my gloves on already.
355
00:16:29,443 --> 00:16:32,416
Stop taking pictures, please.
356
00:16:32,483 --> 00:16:35,222
My least favorite part of boxing
was the weigh‐ins.
357
00:16:35,288 --> 00:16:38,629
- (snickering)
- Hey, Keenan, Damon, Marlon.
358
00:16:38,696 --> 00:16:40,432
Good luck, Peter.
359
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:41,735
(snickering)
360
00:16:41,802 --> 00:16:42,837
Moo!
361
00:16:42,904 --> 00:16:44,508
Oh, ha, ha.
362
00:16:44,574 --> 00:16:46,344
And I was the only guy
who wouldn't
363
00:16:46,410 --> 00:16:47,847
get naked in the locker room.
364
00:16:47,914 --> 00:16:49,450
I don't got a problem
getting naked,
365
00:16:49,518 --> 00:16:52,557
I‐I just don't
have to change right now.
366
00:16:52,624 --> 00:16:54,861
♪
367
00:16:54,928 --> 00:16:56,264
I became known
as an up‐and‐comer
368
00:16:56,330 --> 00:16:57,432
with a mean left hook,
369
00:16:57,499 --> 00:17:00,472
who farted every time
he got punched in the stomach.
370
00:17:00,540 --> 00:17:03,512
(farting)
371
00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:08,288
By the second round, the
entire front row had pink eye.
372
00:17:08,354 --> 00:17:11,294
(punches landing, farting)
373
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:13,298
I ran with a towel
around my neck
374
00:17:13,364 --> 00:17:15,302
tucked into my sweat suit,
'cause I always wanted
375
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,507
to look like a rich guy
in a bathrobe.
376
00:17:17,574 --> 00:17:20,312
Then I promised Lois
I'd see the Mark Rothko exhibit
377
00:17:20,378 --> 00:17:22,650
at the Philadelphia
Museum of Art.
378
00:17:22,717 --> 00:17:25,455
But when I got there,
it was closed.
379
00:17:25,523 --> 00:17:27,527
♪
380
00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:31,902
Meanwhile, Lois and I
were getting serious,
381
00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:33,338
so I popped the question.
382
00:17:33,404 --> 00:17:35,008
Hey, listen, Lois,
I was wondering,
383
00:17:35,075 --> 00:17:37,279
if you're not too busy,
what would you think
384
00:17:37,346 --> 00:17:39,584
about spending the previous part
of your life with me?
385
00:17:39,651 --> 00:17:42,657
I'm afraid that's
not possible, Peter.
386
00:17:42,724 --> 00:17:44,561
But I was rising
through the ranks
387
00:17:44,628 --> 00:17:46,898
and fighting
bigger and better opponents.
388
00:17:46,965 --> 00:17:48,636
I fought Butterbean,
389
00:17:48,702 --> 00:17:50,640
then I fought Can't Believe
It's Not Butterbean.
390
00:17:50,706 --> 00:17:53,478
I could barely tell
the difference.
391
00:17:53,545 --> 00:17:55,482
I fought
Sugar Ray Leonard Nimoy,
392
00:17:55,549 --> 00:17:57,386
who put
a Vulcan nerve pinch on me.
393
00:17:57,452 --> 00:17:59,624
The fight was deemed
highly illogical.
394
00:17:59,691 --> 00:18:02,029
I defeated
Lennox Lewis and the News,
395
00:18:02,095 --> 00:18:03,732
Evander Sallyfield
396
00:18:03,799 --> 00:18:05,503
and Roberto Duran Duran.
397
00:18:05,569 --> 00:18:07,272
I was supposed
to fight George Foreman,
398
00:18:07,339 --> 00:18:09,644
but I only got
George ThreeMenAndaBaby.
399
00:18:09,711 --> 00:18:11,848
There's a lot more puns,
but this episode's only got
400
00:18:11,915 --> 00:18:12,850
a few minutes left.
401
00:18:12,917 --> 00:18:15,723
So finally,
I got my shot at the title,
402
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:17,259
against a world champion‐‐
403
00:18:17,325 --> 00:18:19,998
Marvelous Marvin Mrs. Maisel.
404
00:18:20,065 --> 00:18:22,269
♪
405
00:18:23,505 --> 00:18:25,408
Lois, no one's
ever gone the distance
406
00:18:25,475 --> 00:18:27,446
with Marvelous Marvin
Mrs. Maisel before.
407
00:18:27,513 --> 00:18:29,684
But if I can just
get in that ring yesterday...
408
00:18:29,751 --> 00:18:32,657
- Tomorrow.
- and hear that bell ring,
still standing,
409
00:18:32,724 --> 00:18:35,730
I'll know I'm not just
a bum from the streets.
410
00:18:35,796 --> 00:18:38,936
I believe in you, Peter.
Now go drink your eggs.
411
00:18:39,002 --> 00:18:41,742
MAN:
Aah! Our dinnerware hutch!
412
00:18:41,808 --> 00:18:43,545
- Sorry.
- (dish shatters)
413
00:18:43,612 --> 00:18:44,681
Sorry!
414
00:18:44,748 --> 00:18:46,083
Oh, they're mad.
415
00:18:46,150 --> 00:18:48,354
♪
416
00:18:51,427 --> 00:18:53,097
I was outmatched.
A no‐name punk
417
00:18:53,164 --> 00:18:55,101
fighting the world champion.
418
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,372
I fought my heart out.
I dug deep and had
419
00:18:57,439 --> 00:18:59,577
a kick‐ass song on my side,
but we couldn't afford
420
00:18:59,644 --> 00:19:02,315
the song from the movie,
so we used the sound effects
421
00:19:02,382 --> 00:19:03,382
from Nintendo Punch‐Out!!
422
00:19:03,484 --> 00:19:05,097
- (video game music playing)
- ANNOUNCER: Body blow.
423
00:19:05,121 --> 00:19:07,092
Body blow.
Body blow. Uppercut.
424
00:19:07,159 --> 00:19:09,396
Uppercut. Body blow. Uppercut.
425
00:19:09,463 --> 00:19:11,835
‐(cheering) ‐(bell clanging)
426
00:19:11,902 --> 00:19:13,104
‐(grunting) ‐(clang)
427
00:19:13,171 --> 00:19:16,177
♪
428
00:19:18,582 --> 00:19:19,651
(clanging)
429
00:19:20,653 --> 00:19:21,888
(clang)
430
00:19:24,092 --> 00:19:25,963
The swollen eyes
weren't from the fight.
431
00:19:26,030 --> 00:19:27,767
There was a cat in the arena
432
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:30,138
- and I was highly allergic.
- (meows)
- (bell dings)
433
00:19:30,205 --> 00:19:31,508
But I'd done it.
434
00:19:31,575 --> 00:19:33,377
The only fighter
ever to go the distance
435
00:19:33,444 --> 00:19:34,379
with the champ.
436
00:19:34,446 --> 00:19:35,446
But in that moment,
437
00:19:35,481 --> 00:19:38,589
there was only one thing
I could think about.
438
00:19:38,655 --> 00:19:42,697
Peter, the Rothko exhibit
at the museum is reopened!
439
00:19:42,763 --> 00:19:44,834
Are you busy last week?
440
00:19:44,901 --> 00:19:46,136
She had nailed me.
441
00:19:46,203 --> 00:19:49,176
I was, in fact, free last week.
442
00:19:49,243 --> 00:19:52,082
I was the pride of Philadelphia.
443
00:19:52,148 --> 00:19:54,419
Eventually, I became the champ.
444
00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:56,791
I also changed
my inspirational music
445
00:19:56,858 --> 00:19:58,562
to keep me motivated.
446
00:19:58,629 --> 00:20:00,699
♪ Baby shark,
doo, doo, doo‐doo, doo‐doo ♪
447
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:02,970
♪ Baby shark, doo, doo,
doo‐doo, doo‐doo ♪
448
00:20:03,037 --> 00:20:05,041
♪ Baby shark,
doo, doo, doo‐doo, doo‐doo ♪
449
00:20:05,108 --> 00:20:06,912
- ♪ Baby shark... ♪
- Yeah!
450
00:20:06,978 --> 00:20:08,582
Tragically, I died in training.
451
00:20:08,649 --> 00:20:10,786
I fell into a vat
of Philadelphia Cream Cheese
452
00:20:10,853 --> 00:20:11,888
and suffocated.
453
00:20:11,955 --> 00:20:13,892
I guess it was
a little taste of heaven.
454
00:20:13,959 --> 00:20:16,497
Let's just say, at my funeral,
there was quite a spread.
455
00:20:16,564 --> 00:20:18,544
CLEVELAND:
Some of this story
ain't holding up for me.
456
00:20:18,568 --> 00:20:19,871
PETER:
I was cremated.
457
00:20:19,938 --> 00:20:21,741
JOE:
I don't think
any of this is true.
458
00:20:21,808 --> 00:20:23,979
PETER:
My ashes were spread
over an everything bagel.
459
00:20:29,824 --> 00:20:31,995
Hey, Joe, what about you?
You're a pretty athletic guy.
460
00:20:32,062 --> 00:20:34,499
- You got any sports stories?
- Funny you should ask.
461
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:35,903
Actually, back in 1988,
462
00:20:35,970 --> 00:20:39,577
I took part in the Crystal Light
Aerobics Competition.
463
00:20:39,644 --> 00:20:42,883
ANNOUNCER:
Representing Valley Health
and Racket in Orlando,
464
00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:45,823
Mona Hartnett, Debbie Harvey
and Maressa MacEachin.
465
00:20:45,889 --> 00:20:46,992
♪
466
00:20:47,058 --> 00:20:49,496
Representing Shofer's
Athletic Club in San Jose,
467
00:20:49,564 --> 00:20:52,302
Diane Terese,
Deborah McGee and Debbie Pardue.
468
00:20:52,369 --> 00:20:53,605
♪
469
00:20:53,672 --> 00:20:55,008
JOE:
There I am!
470
00:20:55,074 --> 00:20:56,243
That guy on the left's dead.
471
00:20:56,310 --> 00:20:59,483
Asphalt.