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♪ It seems today
that all you see
♪
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00:00:04,821 --> 00:00:07,822
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Coming up tonight: Quahog's own
poet laureate comes to the set
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and graces us with her...
Oh, God, that's tonight?
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Hey, Jerome, turn on the game.
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Sorry, guys, cable's out.
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We're only getting
local stations.
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Oh, what, so now we got
to talk sports to pass the time?
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Or maybe watch Gilmore Girls.
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Just as, like, a goof.
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You know,
if you want to talk sports,
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I've got quite a story to tell.
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Oh! Oh! This is the one
where Lorelai's mom makes
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her martini with an onion
instead of an olive.
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Boy, that's
a passive-aggressive move.
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If you knew her mom,
you'd know that's
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a passive-aggressive move.
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It all started
when I was a young boy...
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Last chance
on this Gilmore Girls thing.
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I was a baseball prodigy.
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It was back home
in the Cuban league.
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I grew up working in the tobacco
fields outside of Havana.
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That's where I learned
to play baseball.
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Our mitts were made of cigars,
some of them still going.
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All right! Ha!
All right, I caught it!
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At night I drove a cab.
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We all had to drive
huge cars there.
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I was just a regular young man
wearing pants
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that went above my belly button.
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Pull your pants up.
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When I was nine,
my father took me
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to my first baseball game.
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Fidel Castro was there
to throw out the first pitch.
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He was wearing
the same outfit as always.
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Later we would find out
he had a fashion disease
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known as
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
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We would write more jokes
about him,
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but our dumb-dumb writers
only know what he looks like.
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Strike!
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(cheering and applause)
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We all worshipped Che Guevara.
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Although none of us really knew
what side he was on.
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Thank you?
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But we knew he'd make
a great poster
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in college dorm rooms someday.
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ANNOUNCER: Please rise
for the Cuban National Anthem.
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( I Love Lucy theme song
playing)
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CLEVELAND: In Cuba,
we hated America so much,
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we copied everything they did.
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And died trying to get there.
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(crowd cheering, clamoring)
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(music ends)
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Castro said there were CIA
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all over our island,
but I never saw any.
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(cheering, clamoring)
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Yeah! Ha-ha! All right!
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But from that day on,
I fell in love with baseball.
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I dreamed of one day
playing in the big leagues,
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so I signed up for a montage
to get better.
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(glass breaks)
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(Cuban music playing)
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I was at the top of my game.
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I didn't even need
the full montage.
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I was even recruited to play
on Cuba's national team,
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the Gooding Juniors.
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ANNOUNCER: Tonight,
the Cuba Gooding Juniors
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take on the Haiti Joel Osments!
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We tried to play,
but it was difficult
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because hurricane season
was February through January.
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(all shouting)
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Every time, a hurricane
would sweep through,
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decimating the island,
causing hundreds
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of dollars worth of damage.
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Aah!
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Under Castro, every male
over the age of 18
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was required to serve
two years as a band leader.
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♪ Babaloo-oo-oo ♪
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♪ Babaloo-oo-oo ♪
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♪ Jungo ♪
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♪ Oo-oo-oo ♪
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♪ Babaloo ♪
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(vocalizing)
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♪ Ta empezando lo velorio ♪
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♪ Que le hacemo a babalu. ♪
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I loved baseball,
but yearned to play in America.
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I would look across the water
and dream about
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the great time
they must be having there.
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I bet it's not so great.
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♪ If you're going my way ♪
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♪ I want to drive it
all night long ♪
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♪ Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, yeah... ♪
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Dang it!
I'm at the wrong country.
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I knew what I had to do.
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It was nothing against Cuba.
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Cuba was nice.
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We had a Bay of Hotties,
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but also another bay
of less attractive women.
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I forget what they called it.
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However, tensions between
the U.S. and Cuba were high.
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Castro was not happy
that they had named
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the most dangerously gay part
of San Francisco after him.
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Defecting to the U.S. was
punishable by prison or death.
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But I was determined.
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Then came my chance.
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The Cuba Gooding Juniors had
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an away game in Barbados.
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Oy, herma we can escape
to the Cayman Islands.
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Cayman, my ass.
I'm going to America.
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Okay, when we land in America,
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we all have to stop
saying "Cooba."
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The sea was choppy,
and the sharks were relentless.
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-(snores)
-(knock on door)
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-Who is it?
-MALE: Uh, not a shark?
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-Don't open it!
-MALE: No, it's just people.
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-MALE 2: Yeah, people.
-MALE 3: And sharks.
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MALE:
Shh! No sharks. Just people.
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CLEVELAND:
After a week at sea,
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we saw the glittering lights
of Miami.
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(cheering)
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It was beautiful.
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Then we decided
to go to Quahog instead,
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which took eight more months.
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Eventually,
I signed a large deal
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with the Toronto Blue Jays.
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But because I was
from a warm-weather climate,
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it didn't work out.
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-I still remember
my first major-league game.
-(cheering)
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It was four hours
and 25 minutes long.
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I was like, "What the (bleep)?"
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Wow, Cleveland. I had no idea
you played baseball.
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Too bad you couldn't
hit a home run
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with The Cleveland Show.
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00:06:52,471 --> 00:06:54,154
Well, it certainly
wasn't a whiff.
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More of a foul out.
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It was a double.
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You know,
you're not the only one
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who got a taste of sports glory.
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I had a pretty good run, myself.
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Scrawny little guy like you,
Quagmire?
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What did you play?
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I was
a competitive tennis player.
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Some might say too competitive.
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But I was
the breath of fresh air
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that the stuffy tennis world
needed.
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I was born
into a real tennis family.
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On my first birthday,
my mother gave me a little Head.
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I wanted to be the first
male cheerleader for tennis.
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I cheer on two occasions:
day and night!
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-Ooh, tennis!
-(crowd booing)
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And when that was weird,
I decided to just play tennis.
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But it was understood I'd
grow up to be a tennis player
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like my father
and his father before him
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and his father before him.
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We came from a long line
of tennis dicks.
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I had six brothers,
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but they'd all
sliced off their hands
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opening a tennis ball can,
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00:07:50,286 --> 00:07:53,287
possibly the most dangerous
object known to mankind.
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Hey, guys.
Anyone want to play tennis?
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Llewellyn, no!
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(screaming)
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QUAGMIRE:
But I would do
everything I could
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00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:07,819
to make
my now-female father happy.
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Practices were intense.
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PETER:
I feel like you skipped over
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a very big story point
right there.
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QUAGMIRE:
My father was
a World War II vet,
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00:08:14,386 --> 00:08:17,053
so he used to make me
reenact the D-Day landing
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00:08:17,055 --> 00:08:18,404
with tennis ball machines.
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(gasps)
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00:08:22,060 --> 00:08:23,668
(grunting)
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But the work paid off.
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I got invited
to the first U.S. Open,
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00:08:27,566 --> 00:08:30,416
which, at the time,
was called the U.S. Now Open.
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There, I met the player
who would become my archrival:
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00:08:33,588 --> 00:08:35,680
Sweden's Hedd Banssen.
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He'd bring his personal chef
to every match,
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which was very distracting.
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Aah!
What the hell?
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Hergy bergy meatball throwy!
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(grunts)
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00:08:46,268 --> 00:08:48,860
Come on, this can't be legal.
What are you, blind?
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Serve ball!
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00:08:54,183 --> 00:08:55,683
QUAGMIRE:
I was the bad boy of tennis,
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00:08:55,761 --> 00:08:59,186
and my unconventional style
of play changed the game.
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00:08:59,264 --> 00:09:01,540
Before I came along,
tennis was so safe,
194
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it was customary
to hit a six-handed backhand.
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00:09:03,952 --> 00:09:07,212
I pioneered
the one-handed backhand
196
00:09:07,289 --> 00:09:10,382
and, eventually,
the no-handed backhand.
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00:09:10,458 --> 00:09:11,699
(cheering)
198
00:09:11,777 --> 00:09:14,611
Quagmire, I love your backhand.
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00:09:14,613 --> 00:09:16,555
That sounds
like a backhanded compliment.
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00:09:16,631 --> 00:09:17,872
(audience gasps)
201
00:09:17,949 --> 00:09:20,541
I also flouted tennis etiquette
202
00:09:20,543 --> 00:09:22,561
by wearing
the longest, baggiest shorts
203
00:09:22,637 --> 00:09:24,971
the game had ever seen.
204
00:09:24,973 --> 00:09:26,731
People criticized
my style of play
205
00:09:26,808 --> 00:09:28,975
because I argued with umpires
206
00:09:29,052 --> 00:09:30,960
and was taught
to bounce the ball 40 times
207
00:09:30,962 --> 00:09:33,029
before my serve.
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00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:55,635
(grunts)
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00:09:56,746 --> 00:09:58,972
JUDGE:
Let, first service.
210
00:10:10,685 --> 00:10:12,352
I'd won the U.S. Open,
211
00:10:12,428 --> 00:10:14,187
but I wouldn't settle
for just that.
212
00:10:14,263 --> 00:10:17,282
My goal
was the coveted Grand Slam:
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00:10:17,359 --> 00:10:20,860
pancakes, eggs, sausage
and bacon at Denny's.
214
00:10:20,937 --> 00:10:23,622
One day, Glenn.
One day.
215
00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,531
Maybe your birthday.
216
00:10:25,608 --> 00:10:28,126
♪
217
00:10:32,691 --> 00:10:35,024
I made it to Wimbledon
218
00:10:35,026 --> 00:10:37,284
and got to play
in front of the queen--
219
00:10:37,362 --> 00:10:38,544
Freddie Mercury.
220
00:10:38,621 --> 00:10:41,622
I altered my 40-bounce routine
just for him.
221
00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:44,017
(bouncing and clapping
to rhythm of "We Will Rock You")
222
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,373
It was an honor playing
for Freddie on grass that day.
223
00:10:50,375 --> 00:10:53,559
He later died.
The doctor said it was asphalt.
224
00:10:53,561 --> 00:10:55,111
-♪
-(grunts)
225
00:10:57,473 --> 00:10:58,615
(grunting)
226
00:11:08,894 --> 00:11:10,585
(cheering)
227
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:16,341
It was the era before AIDS,
but a lot of tennis players
228
00:11:16,418 --> 00:11:19,419
had to deal with the scourge
of Penis Gerulaitis.
229
00:11:19,495 --> 00:11:21,404
Despite my on-court
temper tantrums,
230
00:11:21,406 --> 00:11:23,256
I was on top of the world.
231
00:11:23,258 --> 00:11:26,351
And that's when I saw her:
Tatum O'Seventies.
232
00:11:26,428 --> 00:11:28,353
The hottest actress of the era.
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00:11:28,430 --> 00:11:30,596
She was fresh off her success
playing an 11-year-old
234
00:11:30,673 --> 00:11:33,416
in a Little League movie,
which, for some reason,
235
00:11:33,418 --> 00:11:35,251
made her the biggest sex symbol
in Hollywood.
236
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:39,255
-Thought you might need this.
-Thanks. I'm Glenn.
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00:11:39,257 --> 00:11:42,016
I know. I watched you smash your
racket and scream at a baby.
238
00:11:42,093 --> 00:11:43,426
You know,
if you're free after this,
239
00:11:43,428 --> 00:11:45,019
we could go back to my place
240
00:11:45,021 --> 00:11:47,597
and try to fit some balls
in your can.
241
00:11:47,599 --> 00:11:49,207
I practiced tantrum sex,
242
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,617
something I'd learned from Sting
but probably misheard.
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00:11:51,694 --> 00:11:54,771
QUAGMIRE:
What?! Are you crazy?
That was in!
244
00:11:54,773 --> 00:11:58,365
We became New York's "It" couple
of the '70s.
245
00:11:58,443 --> 00:12:01,202
We hung out at Studio 55.
246
00:12:01,279 --> 00:12:03,221
There was no one there.
247
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,631
We could hear a lot of noise
coming from next door.
248
00:12:05,708 --> 00:12:09,619
I got to meet the greatest
athletes of my generation.
249
00:12:09,621 --> 00:12:11,804
Glenn, how would you like
to meet Bobby Orr?
250
00:12:11,881 --> 00:12:13,380
-Or who?
-Bobby Orr.
251
00:12:13,458 --> 00:12:15,382
Yeah, Bobby or who?
What's the other choice?
252
00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:17,477
-It's Bobby Orr!
-You told me Bobby's
the first choice!
253
00:12:17,553 --> 00:12:19,720
-What's the alternative?
-All right, forget that.
254
00:12:19,798 --> 00:12:21,314
Do you want to meet Rick Monday?
255
00:12:21,390 --> 00:12:23,390
Well, sure, I could do Monday,
but who is it?
256
00:12:23,468 --> 00:12:26,661
By the 1980s,
things were starting to unravel.
257
00:12:27,730 --> 00:12:28,821
(yells)
258
00:12:28,898 --> 00:12:30,248
Aw, damn it!
259
00:12:30,325 --> 00:12:32,584
My temper on the court
was increasingly an issue.
260
00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:33,810
Out.
261
00:12:33,828 --> 00:12:36,312
Are you serious?!
You cannot be serious!
262
00:12:36,314 --> 00:12:39,257
I had a hard time
telling if people were serious.
263
00:12:39,334 --> 00:12:41,242
I spilled spot remover
on my dog,
264
00:12:41,319 --> 00:12:42,761
and now he's gone.
265
00:12:42,837 --> 00:12:44,411
QUAGMIRE:
Are you serious?!
266
00:12:44,413 --> 00:12:46,322
I became famous
for smashing rackets
267
00:12:46,324 --> 00:12:48,249
when things didn't go my way.
268
00:12:48,326 --> 00:12:50,251
Of course, back then,
we didn't have multiple rackets,
269
00:12:50,328 --> 00:12:52,979
so I was forced to play with it.
270
00:12:55,850 --> 00:12:57,683
♪
271
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:01,654
Ultimately, my career ended
when I developed the yips.
272
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:09,436
And in 2001, at the U.S. Open,
my first serve hit a plane,
273
00:13:09,514 --> 00:13:12,773
causing it to go tragically
off course and hit a building.
274
00:13:12,851 --> 00:13:15,293
(explosion)
275
00:13:15,370 --> 00:13:18,445
Everyone blamed the Muslims.
276
00:13:18,523 --> 00:13:21,508
My second serve was no better.
277
00:13:29,868 --> 00:13:32,143
You guys talking sports stories?
278
00:13:32,220 --> 00:13:35,146
You know, I won a bronze medal
in the '84 Olympics.
279
00:13:35,223 --> 00:13:36,556
Are you serious?!
280
00:13:36,632 --> 00:13:39,392
Track and field.
It's a pretty good story.
281
00:13:39,394 --> 00:13:41,986
It's a series of coincidences
that if someone wrote,
282
00:13:42,063 --> 00:13:44,471
no one would believe.
283
00:13:44,549 --> 00:13:45,715
(soft ding)
284
00:13:45,717 --> 00:13:48,217
Oh, my God,
why is there only half a medal?
285
00:13:48,219 --> 00:13:50,644
Hoo!
How much time you got?
286
00:13:50,722 --> 00:13:52,572
We got about seven minutes,
and I haven't gone yet.
287
00:13:52,648 --> 00:13:53,890
Rocky.
288
00:13:53,892 --> 00:13:55,725
♪
289
00:13:55,727 --> 00:13:58,911
Like most, my day began
with block letters of my name
290
00:13:58,988 --> 00:14:01,322
floating past the screen.
291
00:14:01,399 --> 00:14:04,825
I grew up on the mean streets
of Philadelphia,
292
00:14:04,903 --> 00:14:06,660
the City of Brotherly Love.
293
00:14:06,662 --> 00:14:09,663
Or, as I called it, America's
Northernmost Hillbillies.
294
00:14:09,741 --> 00:14:11,850
I was an Italian guy
from the South Side
295
00:14:11,926 --> 00:14:13,518
who never had a chance in life.
296
00:14:13,595 --> 00:14:17,597
But I had a dream: to one day
be the heavyweight champ.
297
00:14:17,673 --> 00:14:18,672
Yo, Petey!
298
00:14:18,750 --> 00:14:19,691
Yo, fella!
299
00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:21,359
Yo, Petey!
300
00:14:21,436 --> 00:14:22,935
Yo, Delayheehoo!
301
00:14:22,937 --> 00:14:24,253
(lively harmonizing)
302
00:14:24,255 --> 00:14:26,255
It was a tough time
in Philadelphia.
303
00:14:26,257 --> 00:14:28,274
We were losing
dozens of men every day
304
00:14:28,351 --> 00:14:30,517
to singing
over open trash can fires.
305
00:14:30,595 --> 00:14:31,852
Yo, Petey!
306
00:14:31,930 --> 00:14:33,020
Yo, Flaming Guy!
307
00:14:33,022 --> 00:14:35,373
Aah! Aah!
308
00:14:35,450 --> 00:14:38,359
I was a two-bit knuckle breaker
for the mob.
309
00:14:38,436 --> 00:14:40,861
But it was a flash mob.
310
00:14:40,863 --> 00:14:43,715
-♪
-You owe us two grand.
311
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,551
Don't make me come back.
312
00:14:46,628 --> 00:14:48,294
♪
313
00:14:48,371 --> 00:14:50,796
You better pay
or we'll funk you up.
314
00:14:50,873 --> 00:14:53,224
I said we will funk you up.
315
00:14:53,301 --> 00:14:55,226
Like most fighters,
I fell in love
316
00:14:55,303 --> 00:14:58,212
with the local autistic girl
who worked at the pet shop.
317
00:14:58,289 --> 00:15:00,123
I was one of her pet shop boys.
318
00:15:00,125 --> 00:15:01,974
Yo, hey, turtles.
How you doin'?
319
00:15:02,051 --> 00:15:03,476
How come they're not moving?
320
00:15:03,552 --> 00:15:05,478
You sat on them yesterday.
They're dead.
321
00:15:05,554 --> 00:15:08,722
-What happened to your eye?
-I got beat up again in a fight.
322
00:15:08,724 --> 00:15:11,317
Yo, Lois, the San Gennaro
festival was last weekend.
323
00:15:11,319 --> 00:15:12,818
You know,
I was wondering if, uh,
324
00:15:12,895 --> 00:15:15,562
-maybe you might want
to go to it with me.
-When is it?
325
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:19,233
-Last weekend.
-Well, then I don't think
that's possible, Peter. No.
326
00:15:19,310 --> 00:15:21,586
I could see she was gonna
play hard to get.
327
00:15:21,663 --> 00:15:24,405
All right, okay, well, uh,
want to maybe go to the park
328
00:15:24,482 --> 00:15:25,924
and feed the pigeons yesterday?
329
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,593
Peter, I already did
yesterday stuff. Sorry.
330
00:15:28,670 --> 00:15:30,762
Well, then how about we
just get coffee this morning
331
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:33,598
-before you got to be at work?
-It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
332
00:15:33,675 --> 00:15:35,841
I'm afraid
that's not gonna work, either.
333
00:15:35,843 --> 00:15:37,493
Okay, well,
I'll circle back last week
334
00:15:37,495 --> 00:15:39,253
and see what
your schedule looks like.
335
00:15:39,330 --> 00:15:42,774
I was not the smartest guy,
but I wasn't gonna give up.
336
00:15:42,850 --> 00:15:45,426
♪
337
00:15:45,503 --> 00:15:48,112
I lived in the Little Italy
section of Philly.
338
00:15:49,598 --> 00:15:52,525
My apartment was tiny.
339
00:15:52,601 --> 00:15:54,694
(grunting)
340
00:15:54,770 --> 00:15:58,531
I didn't have much stuff,
but, still, it felt cramped.
341
00:15:58,607 --> 00:16:00,274
(clattering)
342
00:16:00,276 --> 00:16:03,294
I really needed a bigger place.
343
00:16:05,056 --> 00:16:06,297
I wanted to work the speed bag,
344
00:16:06,374 --> 00:16:08,374
but my gym was so cheap
it didn't have one.
345
00:16:08,451 --> 00:16:09,968
So I had to do the noises.
346
00:16:09,970 --> 00:16:11,285
Dug-a-duh, dug-a-duh, dug-a-duh,
dug-a-duh, dug-a-duh.
347
00:16:11,287 --> 00:16:12,470
Harder hit!
348
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:15,306
I fought my way up
through the amateur ranks.
349
00:16:15,383 --> 00:16:17,791
Most fights, my greatest
challenge was entering the ring
350
00:16:17,869 --> 00:16:20,036
without getting completely
tangled in the ropes.
351
00:16:20,038 --> 00:16:22,371
Little help?
Is my butt out?
352
00:16:22,373 --> 00:16:23,481
My butt's out, isn't it?
353
00:16:23,558 --> 00:16:25,817
Sorry you got to see that
back there, ma'am.
354
00:16:25,893 --> 00:16:28,319
Yeah, I couldn't wipe.
I had my gloves on already.
355
00:16:28,396 --> 00:16:31,397
Stop taking pictures, please.
356
00:16:31,474 --> 00:16:34,400
My least favorite part of boxing
was the weigh-ins.
357
00:16:34,477 --> 00:16:37,644
-(snickering)
-Hey, Keenan, Damon, Marlon.
358
00:16:37,722 --> 00:16:39,405
Good luck, Peter.
359
00:16:39,482 --> 00:16:40,665
(snickering)
360
00:16:40,742 --> 00:16:41,891
Moo!
361
00:16:41,893 --> 00:16:43,559
Oh, ha, ha.
362
00:16:43,561 --> 00:16:45,319
And I was the only guy
who wouldn't
363
00:16:45,396 --> 00:16:46,896
get naked
in the locker room.
364
00:16:46,898 --> 00:16:48,414
I don't got a problem
getting naked,
365
00:16:48,491 --> 00:16:51,567
I-I just don't
have to change right now.
366
00:16:51,569 --> 00:16:53,903
♪
367
00:16:53,905 --> 00:16:54,920
I became known
as an up-and-comer
368
00:16:54,997 --> 00:16:56,405
with a mean left hook,
369
00:16:56,424 --> 00:16:59,350
who farted every time
he got punched in the stomach.
370
00:16:59,427 --> 00:17:02,437
(farting)
371
00:17:04,265 --> 00:17:07,266
By the second round, the
entire front row had pink eye.
372
00:17:07,343 --> 00:17:10,269
(punches landing, farting)
373
00:17:10,387 --> 00:17:12,271
I ran with a towel
around my neck
374
00:17:12,348 --> 00:17:14,273
tucked into my sweat suit,
'cause I always wanted
375
00:17:14,350 --> 00:17:16,592
to look like a rich guy
in a bathrobe.
376
00:17:16,594 --> 00:17:19,445
Then I promised Lois
I'd see the Mark Rothko exhibit
377
00:17:19,522 --> 00:17:21,614
at the Philadelphia
Museum of Art.
378
00:17:21,690 --> 00:17:24,450
But when I got there,
it was closed.
379
00:17:24,452 --> 00:17:26,419
♪
380
00:17:28,364 --> 00:17:30,864
Meanwhile, Lois and I
were getting serious,
381
00:17:30,942 --> 00:17:32,216
so I popped the question.
382
00:17:32,293 --> 00:17:33,959
Hey, listen, Lois,
I was wondering,
383
00:17:33,961 --> 00:17:36,279
if you're not too busy,
what would you think
384
00:17:36,281 --> 00:17:38,539
about spending the previous part
of your life with me?
385
00:17:38,616 --> 00:17:41,650
I'm afraid that's
not possible, Peter.
386
00:17:41,652 --> 00:17:43,619
But I was rising
through the ranks
387
00:17:43,621 --> 00:17:45,879
and fighting
bigger and better opponents.
388
00:17:45,881 --> 00:17:47,640
I fought Butterbean,
389
00:17:47,716 --> 00:17:49,550
then I fought Can't Believe
It's Not Butterbean.
390
00:17:49,627 --> 00:17:52,386
I could barely tell
the difference.
391
00:17:52,463 --> 00:17:54,388
I fought
Sugar Ray Leonard Nimoy,
392
00:17:54,465 --> 00:17:56,482
who put
a Vulcan nerve pinch on me.
393
00:17:56,559 --> 00:17:58,484
The fight was deemed
highly illogical.
394
00:17:58,561 --> 00:18:00,986
I defeated
Lennox Lewis and the News,
395
00:18:01,063 --> 00:18:02,729
Evander Sallyfield
396
00:18:02,731 --> 00:18:04,582
and Roberto Duran Duran.
397
00:18:04,659 --> 00:18:06,309
I was supposed
to fight George Foreman,
398
00:18:06,311 --> 00:18:08,753
but I only got
George ThreeMenAndaBaby.
399
00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:10,571
There's a lot more puns,
but this episode's only got
400
00:18:10,648 --> 00:18:11,789
a few minutes left.
401
00:18:11,866 --> 00:18:14,592
So finally,
I got my shot at the title,
402
00:18:14,669 --> 00:18:16,319
against a world champion--
403
00:18:16,321 --> 00:18:18,988
Marvelous Marvin Mrs. Maisel.
404
00:18:18,990 --> 00:18:21,099
♪
405
00:18:22,418 --> 00:18:24,418
Lois, no one's
ever gone the distance
406
00:18:24,495 --> 00:18:26,345
with Marvelous Marvin
Mrs. Maisel before.
407
00:18:26,422 --> 00:18:28,681
But if I can just
get in that ring yesterday...
408
00:18:28,757 --> 00:18:31,517
-Tomorrow.
-and hear that bell ring,
still standing,
409
00:18:31,594 --> 00:18:34,612
I'll know I'm not just
a bum from the streets.
410
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,857
I believe in you, Peter.
Now go drink your eggs.
411
00:18:37,859 --> 00:18:40,676
MAN:
Aah! Our dinnerware hutch!
412
00:18:40,678 --> 00:18:42,436
-Sorry.
-(dish shatters)
413
00:18:42,513 --> 00:18:43,529
Sorry!
414
00:18:43,606 --> 00:18:45,014
Oh, they're mad.
415
00:18:45,016 --> 00:18:47,125
♪
416
00:18:50,279 --> 00:18:51,963
I was outmatched.
A no-name punk
417
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,965
fighting the world champion.
418
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:56,283
I fought my heart out.
I dug deep and had
419
00:18:56,285 --> 00:18:58,452
a kick-ass song on my side,
but we couldn't afford
420
00:18:58,529 --> 00:19:01,288
the song from the movie,
so we used the sound effects
421
00:19:01,366 --> 00:19:02,306
from Nintendo Punch-Out!!
422
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:03,957
-(video game music playing)
-ANNOUNCER: Body blow.
423
00:19:04,035 --> 00:19:06,035
Body blow.
Body blow. Uppercut.
424
00:19:06,037 --> 00:19:08,295
Uppercut. Body blow. Uppercut.
425
00:19:08,373 --> 00:19:10,723
-(cheering)
-(bell clanging)
426
00:19:10,799 --> 00:19:12,041
-(grunting)
-(clang)
427
00:19:12,043 --> 00:19:14,986
♪
428
00:19:17,398 --> 00:19:18,447
(clanging)
429
00:19:19,550 --> 00:19:20,658
(clang)
430
00:19:22,904 --> 00:19:24,829
The swollen eyes
weren't from the fight.
431
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,906
There was a cat in the arena
432
00:19:26,908 --> 00:19:29,016
-and I was highly allergic.
-(meows)
-(bell dings)
433
00:19:29,093 --> 00:19:30,576
But I'd done it.
434
00:19:30,578 --> 00:19:32,170
The only fighter
ever to go the distance
435
00:19:32,246 --> 00:19:33,078
with the champ.
436
00:19:33,155 --> 00:19:34,154
But in that moment,
437
00:19:34,415 --> 00:19:37,416
there was only one thing
I could think about.
438
00:19:37,493 --> 00:19:41,570
Peter, the Rothko exhibit
at the museum is reopened!
439
00:19:41,572 --> 00:19:43,664
Are you busy last week?
440
00:19:43,741 --> 00:19:44,998
She had nailed me.
441
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:48,001
I was, in fact, free last week.
442
00:19:48,079 --> 00:19:50,930
I was the pride of Philadelphia.
443
00:19:51,006 --> 00:19:53,265
Eventually, I became the champ.
444
00:19:53,267 --> 00:19:55,526
I also changed
my inspirational music
445
00:19:55,603 --> 00:19:57,361
to keep me motivated.
446
00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,588
♪ Baby shark,
doo, doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
447
00:19:59,590 --> 00:20:01,699
♪ Baby shark, doo, doo,
doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
448
00:20:01,776 --> 00:20:03,926
♪ Baby shark,
doo, doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
449
00:20:03,928 --> 00:20:05,761
-♪ Baby shark... ♪
-Yeah!
450
00:20:05,763 --> 00:20:07,538
Tragically, I died in training.
451
00:20:07,615 --> 00:20:09,373
I fell into a vat
of Philadelphia Cream Cheese
452
00:20:09,450 --> 00:20:10,725
and suffocated.
453
00:20:10,801 --> 00:20:12,618
I guess it was
a little taste of heaven.
454
00:20:12,695 --> 00:20:15,438
Let's just say, at my funeral,
there was quite a spread.
455
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,215
CLEVELAND:
Some of this story
ain't holding up for me.
456
00:20:17,291 --> 00:20:18,624
PETER:
I was cremated.
457
00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:20,534
JOE:
I don't think
any of this is true.
458
00:20:20,536 --> 00:20:22,637
PETER:
My ashes were spread
over an everything bagel.
459
00:20:28,544 --> 00:20:30,786
Hey, Joe, what about you?
You're a pretty athletic guy.
460
00:20:30,788 --> 00:20:33,231
-You got any sports stories?
-Funny you should ask.
461
00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:34,640
Actually, back in 1988,
462
00:20:34,642 --> 00:20:38,552
I took part in the Crystal Light
Aerobics Competition.
463
00:20:38,629 --> 00:20:41,572
ANNOUNCER:
Representing Valley Health
and Racket in Orlando,
464
00:20:41,649 --> 00:20:44,467
Mona Hartnett, Debbie Harvey
and Maressa MacEachin.
465
00:20:44,469 --> 00:20:45,726
♪
466
00:20:45,803 --> 00:20:48,153
Representing Shofer's
Athletic Club in San Jose,
467
00:20:48,230 --> 00:20:50,990
Diane Terese,
Deborah McGee and Debbie Pardue.
468
00:20:51,066 --> 00:20:52,250
♪
469
00:20:52,326 --> 00:20:53,659
JOE:
There I am!
470
00:20:53,777 --> 00:20:54,977
That guy on the left's dead.
471
00:20:54,979 --> 00:20:58,089
Asphalt.