1 00:00:02,204 --> 00:00:04,342 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,408 --> 00:00:07,682 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,749 --> 00:00:11,289 ♪ But where are those good old‐fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,356 --> 00:00:14,295 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,362 --> 00:00:17,769 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,836 --> 00:00:21,142 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,209 --> 00:00:22,913 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,979 --> 00:00:23,848 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:23,915 --> 00:00:29,893 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,004 --> 00:00:37,243 ANNOUNCER: We now return to House Hunters: Westeros. 11 00:00:37,310 --> 00:00:39,247 I love it. Sold! 12 00:00:39,314 --> 00:00:41,318 Be warned, Khaleesi. 13 00:00:41,385 --> 00:00:43,522 The fourth bedroom has no point of egress. 14 00:00:43,589 --> 00:00:46,195 And the HOA is known to be... 15 00:00:46,261 --> 00:00:47,564 unmerciful. 16 00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:49,769 - Shame. - (rings bell) 17 00:00:49,836 --> 00:00:51,338 Shame. 18 00:00:51,405 --> 00:00:54,244 Trash cans must be off the curb by 10:00 a. m.! 19 00:00:54,311 --> 00:00:56,348 And pick up after your dragons! 20 00:00:56,415 --> 00:00:57,918 Hey, can somebody change the channel? 21 00:00:57,985 --> 00:01:01,058 I'll watch anything except these stupid home renovation shows. 22 00:01:01,125 --> 00:01:03,529 - What's wrong with them? - Besides their lack of Kermits? 23 00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:06,602 Lots of things. It's mindless, cookie‐cutter entertainment 24 00:01:06,669 --> 00:01:08,305 for wish‐fulfillment nobodies. 25 00:01:08,372 --> 00:01:10,176 And the more I watch these stupid shows, 26 00:01:10,243 --> 00:01:12,313 the more I realize I really love 'em. 27 00:01:12,380 --> 00:01:13,817 Oh, my God‐‐ me, too! 28 00:01:13,884 --> 00:01:15,888 It's the only thing I watch on planes. 29 00:01:15,954 --> 00:01:19,394 No! Why would they pick that house over the ranch‐style? 30 00:01:19,461 --> 00:01:20,931 It's close to the city center, 31 00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:23,435 which, according to these shows, is important. 32 00:01:23,502 --> 00:01:26,408 You know, I bet we could do our own HGTV show. 33 00:01:26,475 --> 00:01:29,514 If those Property Husbands can do it, we can do it. 34 00:01:29,581 --> 00:01:31,251 They're brothers, Cleveland. 35 00:01:31,318 --> 00:01:33,222 They're husbands. 36 00:01:33,289 --> 00:01:35,359 Are you guys suggesting we make our own show 37 00:01:35,426 --> 00:01:36,863 instead of going to the doctor 38 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,499 for our lethally high blood pressure? 39 00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:41,371 - Uh, y‐you could easily do both. - One or the other. 40 00:01:41,438 --> 00:01:42,942 Let's do it. It'll be fun. 41 00:01:43,008 --> 00:01:44,621 And, you know, we haven't done anything together 42 00:01:44,645 --> 00:01:46,683 since we rode that ride at the amusement park. 43 00:01:47,952 --> 00:01:50,489 I feel like, uh, I might be too heavy for this ride. 44 00:01:50,556 --> 00:01:53,162 No, no, they account for all types of people. You're fine. 45 00:01:53,229 --> 00:01:55,199 - (laughing) - Aah! Help! 46 00:01:55,266 --> 00:01:58,105 I'm too heavy! Glenn! I'm too heavy! 47 00:01:58,172 --> 00:02:00,209 I'm too heavy, Mr. Quagmire! 48 00:02:00,276 --> 00:02:03,182 I'm too heavy! I'm too heavy, Glenn! 49 00:02:03,249 --> 00:02:05,119 I'm too heavy. 50 00:02:05,186 --> 00:02:07,758 I'm too heavy. I'm too heavy. 51 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:13,369 Why are you wearing that? 52 00:02:13,435 --> 00:02:15,908 Did you go to that John Popper estate sale? 53 00:02:15,974 --> 00:02:18,445 No, me and the guys are doing our own HGTV show. 54 00:02:18,512 --> 00:02:22,120 What?! I'm a mom! I love those shows! 55 00:02:22,186 --> 00:02:23,657 I would've done that with you. 56 00:02:23,723 --> 00:02:26,061 I'm just sitting here, reading a blank book. 57 00:02:26,128 --> 00:02:28,565 When it's not my story, they give me empty books. 58 00:02:28,632 --> 00:02:31,639 Sorry, we already shot our first one. Check it out. 59 00:02:31,706 --> 00:02:33,418 FEMALE ANNOUNCER: This week on Kitchen House, 60 00:02:33,442 --> 00:02:35,146 the kitchen boys take on 61 00:02:35,212 --> 00:02:36,424 a four‐bed, three‐bath craftsman 62 00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:40,389 and transform it into a nonsense seven‐kitch', no‐bath. 63 00:02:40,456 --> 00:02:42,627 But first they meet with some new clients 64 00:02:42,695 --> 00:02:44,932 looking to make updates to an old family home. 65 00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:47,337 Okay, the first thing I'd do is take down this wall 66 00:02:47,403 --> 00:02:48,472 to open up the kitchen. 67 00:02:48,539 --> 00:02:49,751 Just make this whole room a kitchen. 68 00:02:49,775 --> 00:02:51,545 And then I'm gonna gut this bathroom, 69 00:02:51,611 --> 00:02:53,482 pull out all the toilets and make it a kitchen. 70 00:02:53,549 --> 00:02:55,386 Same thing upstairs. And in the master. 71 00:02:55,453 --> 00:02:57,223 So, we won't have any toilets? 72 00:02:57,290 --> 00:02:58,727 Well, sinks are basically toilets. 73 00:02:58,793 --> 00:03:00,664 I mean, th‐they're both just holes with water. 74 00:03:00,731 --> 00:03:02,233 But it feels different. 75 00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:03,569 I can show you and you'll see 76 00:03:03,635 --> 00:03:05,139 there's a very minimal difference. 77 00:03:05,206 --> 00:03:08,012 Uh, I just don't think I can go to the bathroom in a sink. 78 00:03:08,078 --> 00:03:10,116 That's what everyone says until they do it once. 79 00:03:10,182 --> 00:03:13,055 And then you realize they're both just holes with water. 80 00:03:13,122 --> 00:03:15,559 - Why do you keep saying that? - Because it's true. 81 00:03:15,626 --> 00:03:17,674 Now, let me walk you through my thoughts on the garage. 82 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,367 You see where that car is parked? 83 00:03:19,434 --> 00:03:21,405 Imagine that, all kitchen. 84 00:03:21,471 --> 00:03:23,575 ♪ Five front doors. ♪ 85 00:03:24,344 --> 00:03:25,947 So, the first thing I think 86 00:03:26,014 --> 00:03:28,585 when I look at this house is "Not enough front doors." 87 00:03:28,653 --> 00:03:31,358 And before you ask, this is in no way related 88 00:03:31,425 --> 00:03:33,696 to any OCD compulsion I have 89 00:03:33,763 --> 00:03:35,710 about needing doors to correspond to each weekday. 90 00:03:35,734 --> 00:03:38,405 Now, let's go buy some doors and big hammers. 91 00:03:38,472 --> 00:03:40,342 ♪ Five front doors. ♪ 92 00:03:40,409 --> 00:03:43,015 Okay, we got our doors and big hammers. 93 00:03:43,082 --> 00:03:45,787 Now it's time for my favorite part of every job: 94 00:03:45,854 --> 00:03:47,390 the demo. 95 00:03:47,457 --> 00:03:49,527 Are you sure Lois said this is okay? 96 00:03:49,594 --> 00:03:51,074 Yeah, yeah, it's five front doors, Cleveland. 97 00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:53,302 It makes sense. All right, start on five: 98 00:03:53,368 --> 00:03:56,843 one, two, three, four, five! 99 00:03:56,909 --> 00:03:59,447 (grunting) 100 00:03:59,514 --> 00:04:01,551 What the hell are you doing, Peter?! 101 00:04:01,618 --> 00:04:03,322 Five front doors, Lois! 102 00:04:03,388 --> 00:04:06,194 Damn it! Did you stop taking your OCD meds? 103 00:04:06,261 --> 00:04:07,831 They don't make me feel creative. 104 00:04:07,898 --> 00:04:09,501 Five front doors! 105 00:04:13,142 --> 00:04:16,481 Are you gonna at least fix this huge hole in our wall? 106 00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:17,718 I mean, we're one step away 107 00:04:17,784 --> 00:04:19,755 from being a blue‐tarp‐on‐the‐house family, 108 00:04:19,822 --> 00:04:22,226 and that's always been my line in the sand. 109 00:04:22,293 --> 00:04:23,538 I'm gonna do what all husbands do 110 00:04:23,562 --> 00:04:24,674 when they screw something up: 111 00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,669 tuck my penis high between my butt 112 00:04:26,736 --> 00:04:28,773 and hire a professional to fix it for me. 113 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,011 I can't wait to own a house. 114 00:04:31,077 --> 00:04:33,248 ♪ 115 00:04:37,958 --> 00:04:40,496 (barking) 116 00:04:40,563 --> 00:04:41,799 Hey! This is my house! 117 00:04:41,866 --> 00:04:43,535 I'm gonna jump forward but backwards 118 00:04:43,602 --> 00:04:45,306 to show you how serious I am! 119 00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:47,577 (growling) 120 00:04:48,980 --> 00:04:50,684 Oh, hi. 121 00:04:50,750 --> 00:04:53,355 If I knew my lap was gonna have visitors, 122 00:04:53,422 --> 00:04:55,492 I would have changed my rowing underwear. 123 00:04:55,559 --> 00:04:58,298 Rowing, huh? What are you, the cox? 124 00:04:58,365 --> 00:05:01,371 ♪ 125 00:05:01,438 --> 00:05:03,242 Aw, she's so cute. 126 00:05:03,308 --> 00:05:04,510 Can I keep her? 127 00:05:04,577 --> 00:05:06,716 Ah, I don't know. Can she set up a cutaway? 128 00:05:06,782 --> 00:05:07,516 (meows) 129 00:05:07,583 --> 00:05:09,454 Can I help you? 130 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,391 (meows) 131 00:05:11,458 --> 00:05:13,930 And just like that, the Griffins have a cat. 132 00:05:21,044 --> 00:05:21,812 Morning, fam. 133 00:05:21,879 --> 00:05:25,352 What is that thing still doing here? 134 00:05:25,419 --> 00:05:27,256 That thing's name is Pouncey. 135 00:05:27,323 --> 00:05:28,592 And she's my cat now. 136 00:05:28,660 --> 00:05:29,795 What do you think, Pounce? 137 00:05:29,862 --> 00:05:31,598 Want to split a can of tuna? 138 00:05:31,666 --> 00:05:33,936 One can of toon, Ma. Keep the water. 139 00:05:34,003 --> 00:05:35,039 This suits her. 140 00:05:35,105 --> 00:05:36,642 But we're a dog family. 141 00:05:36,709 --> 00:05:38,412 You guys are okay with this? 142 00:05:38,478 --> 00:05:40,149 I stopped making decisions for this family 143 00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:42,420 when you bought that Roomba to replace me. 144 00:05:42,486 --> 00:05:43,790 (chiming) 145 00:05:43,856 --> 00:05:45,492 (robotic voice): Living room complete. 146 00:05:45,559 --> 00:05:46,829 Thank you, Roomba. 147 00:05:46,896 --> 00:05:48,800 You'll never be their mother! 148 00:05:48,866 --> 00:05:51,839 I‐I just feel like I should have been consulted on this decision 149 00:05:51,906 --> 00:05:54,444 to bring my natural enemy into the house. 150 00:05:54,510 --> 00:05:55,780 They may seem like good pets, 151 00:05:55,847 --> 00:05:57,616 but they always have ulterior motives. 152 00:05:57,684 --> 00:05:59,855 Well, I think having a cat will be good for Meg. 153 00:05:59,922 --> 00:06:01,692 You'll get used to it, Brian. 154 00:06:01,759 --> 00:06:04,597 Just like I got used to Peter's extra pinky finger. 155 00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:07,503 To another 20 years of marital bliss. 156 00:06:07,570 --> 00:06:09,574 Cheers, my love. 157 00:06:12,079 --> 00:06:13,916 Oh... 158 00:06:15,552 --> 00:06:18,125 (sniffs) Ugh, that finger stinks. 159 00:06:18,191 --> 00:06:20,997 I'm still learning to wipe with it, my love. 160 00:06:24,003 --> 00:06:25,740 (doorbell rings) 161 00:06:25,807 --> 00:06:27,610 What day is it? Is it the Purge? 162 00:06:27,677 --> 00:06:29,347 That's not a real thing. 163 00:06:29,414 --> 00:06:31,618 All right, then you answer the door. 164 00:06:31,685 --> 00:06:33,121 Chris, answer the door. 165 00:06:34,590 --> 00:06:36,695 Hello, Christopher. May I come in? 166 00:06:36,762 --> 00:06:39,701 I don't know, I'm just "a dumb kid." 167 00:06:39,768 --> 00:06:42,674 Or at least that's what I'm told when I ask for fun things. 168 00:06:42,741 --> 00:06:44,076 I want a Zippo! 169 00:06:44,143 --> 00:06:45,412 You'll burn things. 170 00:06:45,479 --> 00:06:47,116 Yeah! I know! 171 00:06:48,986 --> 00:06:51,692 Cool, just put that on my puzzle. 172 00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:53,763 I never liked this string bean. 173 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,499 What's going on, Quagmire? 174 00:06:55,566 --> 00:06:57,704 Before families can officially adopt a cat, 175 00:06:57,771 --> 00:06:59,975 someone needs to make sure the animal is being placed 176 00:07:00,042 --> 00:07:02,346 in a loving and safe environment. 177 00:07:02,413 --> 00:07:03,649 That someone is me. 178 00:07:03,716 --> 00:07:06,154 Is this necessary? You know us. 179 00:07:06,221 --> 00:07:08,592 Good people can still be bad cat owners, Lois. 180 00:07:08,659 --> 00:07:11,364 - Ever heard of Eric Hoernel? - No. 181 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,468 Oh. Well, that‐‐ that would have helped 182 00:07:13,535 --> 00:07:14,738 my point a little bit more. 183 00:07:14,805 --> 00:07:17,076 Before I begin, may I see the cat? 184 00:07:18,211 --> 00:07:19,781 Hi, you. 185 00:07:19,848 --> 00:07:22,553 Oh... such a sweetheart. 186 00:07:22,620 --> 00:07:27,630 Oh. You. Are. Why. I. Give. Up. My. Sundays. 187 00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:29,701 (clears throat) 188 00:07:29,768 --> 00:07:31,805 Okay. Now I'm gonna walk through the house 189 00:07:31,872 --> 00:07:33,743 and make sure everything's cat‐friendly. 190 00:07:33,809 --> 00:07:35,914 Okay, this is a problem right here. 191 00:07:35,980 --> 00:07:38,184 Kind of in this whole area. 192 00:07:38,251 --> 00:07:40,690 Your front windows are west‐facing. That's good. 193 00:07:40,757 --> 00:07:43,194 Will make for very cozy afternoon sun naps. 194 00:07:43,261 --> 00:07:45,967 Still getting a pretty bad vibe from over here. 195 00:07:46,034 --> 00:07:48,839 Lastly, catnip is a Class B narcotic. 196 00:07:48,906 --> 00:07:51,511 It is a drug. It is a drug. 197 00:07:51,578 --> 00:07:54,550 Yeah, we don't‐‐ we don't keep any of that stuff around. 198 00:07:54,617 --> 00:07:56,621 Great. Adoption approved. 199 00:07:56,689 --> 00:07:58,826 (gasps) Did you hear that, Pouncey? 200 00:07:58,893 --> 00:08:00,462 You're officially mine. 201 00:08:00,529 --> 00:08:01,932 Here are all your adoption papers. 202 00:08:01,999 --> 00:08:04,203 It has everything you need to know about owning a cat. 203 00:08:04,270 --> 00:08:06,809 Standard stuff like what to feed 'em, local vets, 204 00:08:06,875 --> 00:08:08,746 toxoplasmosis, blah, blah, blah. 205 00:08:08,813 --> 00:08:10,950 Wait, what's toxoplasmosis? 206 00:08:11,017 --> 00:08:13,521 Oh, it's nothing. Just a parasite found in cat feces. 207 00:08:13,588 --> 00:08:14,828 If it gets in your bloodstream, 208 00:08:14,891 --> 00:08:16,427 it can make people a little crazy. 209 00:08:16,494 --> 00:08:17,773 It's really nothing to worry about 210 00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:19,533 unless you're an owner like Eric Hoernel. 211 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,504 Again, we don't know who he is. 212 00:08:21,571 --> 00:08:23,608 Oh, right. Well, he wasn't good. 213 00:08:23,676 --> 00:08:25,980 Anyway, congratulations. 214 00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:29,721 Aah! Who put up this tripwire?! 215 00:08:29,788 --> 00:08:32,459 Puzzling, isn't it? 216 00:08:32,526 --> 00:08:34,731 ♪ 217 00:08:38,839 --> 00:08:40,810 (indistinct chatter) 218 00:08:40,877 --> 00:08:43,883 Welcome, everybody, to this year's talent show. 219 00:08:43,949 --> 00:08:46,655 And to whomever wrote "hot balls" on my forehead 220 00:08:46,722 --> 00:08:48,726 while I napped in my car, I will find you. 221 00:08:48,793 --> 00:08:50,595 I will find you very soon. 222 00:08:50,663 --> 00:08:53,736 Our first performer today is Meg Griffin. 223 00:08:55,338 --> 00:08:56,550 ("Everybody, Everybody" by Black Box playing) 224 00:08:56,574 --> 00:08:57,911 ♪ Meow ♪ 225 00:09:00,717 --> 00:09:01,852 ♪ Meow ♪ 226 00:09:03,723 --> 00:09:06,060 - ♪ Heh ♪ - ♪ Meow... ♪ 227 00:09:08,565 --> 00:09:10,803 This is worse. 228 00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:18,652 Ah! Cat butt! 229 00:09:18,719 --> 00:09:21,457 What do I do? Where do I look? What do I do? 230 00:09:21,524 --> 00:09:22,761 Oh, thank God. 231 00:09:22,827 --> 00:09:24,029 I almost looked right at it. 232 00:09:24,096 --> 00:09:25,900 Ah! I looked right at it! 233 00:09:25,967 --> 00:09:29,006 Oh, it looks like a worn‐out dartboard bull's‐eye! 234 00:09:29,073 --> 00:09:32,781 How was Michael Jackson so into this? 235 00:09:37,991 --> 00:09:39,961 All right, nobody's home. 236 00:09:40,028 --> 00:09:42,166 Time to go down to the... 237 00:09:42,232 --> 00:09:43,803 Oh, hello. 238 00:09:43,869 --> 00:09:45,883 Look, I'm‐I'm just trying to go downstairs, all right? 239 00:09:45,907 --> 00:09:47,109 I don't want any trouble. 240 00:09:48,344 --> 00:09:50,182 Okay. Good talk. 241 00:09:52,754 --> 00:09:55,025 (chuckles) Having a hard time getting a read 242 00:09:55,091 --> 00:09:57,329 on what you're gonna do here. 243 00:10:13,762 --> 00:10:14,965 (laughs) 244 00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:17,502 Oh, my God, I'm totally in your head. 245 00:10:17,569 --> 00:10:20,008 Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop the clock, you can talk? 246 00:10:20,075 --> 00:10:22,747 Uh, yeah. All cats can talk. 247 00:10:22,814 --> 00:10:24,684 We just choose not to respond. 248 00:10:24,751 --> 00:10:26,153 To anything. Ever. 249 00:10:26,220 --> 00:10:28,358 So, you choose to be dicks? 250 00:10:28,424 --> 00:10:29,828 Yeah. It's hilarious. 251 00:10:29,895 --> 00:10:31,530 Humans are masochists, man. 252 00:10:31,597 --> 00:10:33,635 You should see how many toys they've bought me. 253 00:10:33,702 --> 00:10:35,038 Haven't played with one. 254 00:10:35,105 --> 00:10:37,075 I just sit in the box. 255 00:10:37,142 --> 00:10:39,915 I knew you didn't really care about this family or Meg. 256 00:10:39,981 --> 00:10:41,450 - So? - So? 257 00:10:41,517 --> 00:10:43,130 Pets are supposed to care about their owners. 258 00:10:43,154 --> 00:10:46,060 Cats aren't pets. Humans are the pets. 259 00:10:46,127 --> 00:10:48,866 And I have big plans for Meg. 260 00:10:48,933 --> 00:10:51,003 Yeah? Not if I expose you first. 261 00:10:51,070 --> 00:10:55,445 It's so cute how you still think you're their favorite pet. 262 00:10:55,512 --> 00:10:57,951 You've been replaced, bub. 263 00:10:58,017 --> 00:10:59,821 I am still this family's dog, 264 00:10:59,888 --> 00:11:01,658 and I'm not gonna back down to some cat. 265 00:11:01,725 --> 00:11:05,967 "Fate whispers to the dog, 'You cannot withstand the storm.' 266 00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:08,538 - The dog replies, 'I am...'" Ow. - (screeches) 267 00:11:08,604 --> 00:11:11,645 - "The dog replies, 'I am the...'" Ow. - (screeches) 268 00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:13,181 - "'I am the...'" Ow. - (screeches) 269 00:11:13,247 --> 00:11:14,751 - "'I am the...'" Ow. - (screeches) 270 00:11:14,818 --> 00:11:16,153 "'I am the...'" Ow. 271 00:11:16,220 --> 00:11:17,957 (laughing) 272 00:11:18,024 --> 00:11:21,364 Well, I'd say this is a purr‐fect way 273 00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:24,871 to spend a Friday night. 274 00:11:24,938 --> 00:11:27,042 Ooh, I'm gonna comment that. 275 00:11:27,109 --> 00:11:29,079 - (knocking on door) - MAN: Hello, it's Instacart. 276 00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:31,450 I have your $170 worth of ice cream. 277 00:11:31,517 --> 00:11:34,958 Promo code: lonely. 278 00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:39,199 Stewie, I got to talk to you. 279 00:11:39,266 --> 00:11:41,103 Sure, what's up? We were just reading. 280 00:11:41,170 --> 00:11:43,207 (gasps) Kitty cat. 281 00:11:43,274 --> 00:11:44,778 That's what I wanted to talk about. 282 00:11:44,844 --> 00:11:46,213 She's lying to everyone, Stewie. 283 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:47,984 Did you know she can talk? 284 00:11:48,051 --> 00:11:49,062 Yeah. We were just discussing our book 285 00:11:49,086 --> 00:11:51,490 about Chinese communism with Chairman Mayo. 286 00:11:51,557 --> 00:11:54,296 ‐(meows): Mao. ‐You're right, you're right. Sorry, sorry. 287 00:11:54,363 --> 00:11:56,033 No, I mean she can really talk. 288 00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:58,705 She told me that she is using the family 289 00:11:58,772 --> 00:12:00,508 for some kind of cat plan. 290 00:12:00,575 --> 00:12:02,947 Brian, have you been watching flat Earth videos? 291 00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:04,651 Those always make you mistrustful. 292 00:12:04,717 --> 00:12:05,920 I'm serious, Stewie. 293 00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:07,957 And there are actually some flat Earth models 294 00:12:08,024 --> 00:12:09,264 that aren't completely idiotic. 295 00:12:09,326 --> 00:12:10,963 Look, I can't do this right now. 296 00:12:11,030 --> 00:12:12,900 We're pretty into our book about Chairman Mayo. 297 00:12:12,967 --> 00:12:14,647 - (meows): Mao. - (chuckles): Sorry, sorry. 298 00:12:14,671 --> 00:12:17,476 Get out of here, Brian, you're messing me up. 299 00:12:20,248 --> 00:12:23,221 Meg, I need to talk to you about Pouncey. 300 00:12:23,287 --> 00:12:25,191 It is my duty as this family's dog 301 00:12:25,258 --> 00:12:27,095 to protect it when I sense danger. 302 00:12:27,162 --> 00:12:29,099 And I sense danger with Pouncey. 303 00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:31,003 Look, you may be our family dog, 304 00:12:31,070 --> 00:12:33,207 but you've never really been my dog. 305 00:12:33,274 --> 00:12:35,813 I'm a punching bag at school and at home. 306 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,785 And there were some days where I could have really used a dog 307 00:12:38,852 --> 00:12:39,854 to help cheer me up. 308 00:12:39,921 --> 00:12:41,157 And where were you? 309 00:12:41,223 --> 00:12:43,261 Hanging out with Dad or‐or Chris or Stewie 310 00:12:43,327 --> 00:12:45,766 for your little time travel adventures. 311 00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:47,011 You know about the time machine? 312 00:12:47,035 --> 00:12:48,839 Yeah, my room's right next door. 313 00:12:48,906 --> 00:12:50,776 That thing's loud as (bleep). 314 00:12:50,843 --> 00:12:51,912 I have a new pet now. 315 00:12:51,978 --> 00:12:54,449 One that's there for me when I need her. 316 00:12:54,516 --> 00:12:55,920 Unlike you. 317 00:12:55,986 --> 00:12:57,823 Okay. I see. 318 00:12:57,890 --> 00:12:59,794 (microwave chimes) 319 00:12:59,861 --> 00:13:01,865 You have a microwave in your room? 320 00:13:01,932 --> 00:13:04,036 Yeah, I got tired of people groaning 321 00:13:04,102 --> 00:13:05,505 every time I went into the kitchen. 322 00:13:05,572 --> 00:13:08,745 Oh. You got, uh, Redenbacher's up in there? 323 00:13:08,812 --> 00:13:10,081 - Yeah. - Oh, word? 324 00:13:10,148 --> 00:13:12,285 Brian, stop trying to sound young. 325 00:13:12,352 --> 00:13:13,922 (chuckles) Okay, Booger. 326 00:13:13,989 --> 00:13:16,393 - (scoffs) Boomer. - Boomer. 327 00:13:20,903 --> 00:13:23,040 (purring) 328 00:13:23,107 --> 00:13:25,411 You make me so happy, Pouncey. 329 00:13:27,215 --> 00:13:31,123 This is gonna sound weird, but do you want to dance? 330 00:13:31,190 --> 00:13:34,196 ("Good Man in a Bad Time" by Ian Hunter playing) 331 00:13:40,508 --> 00:13:42,780 This is fun, right? 332 00:14:05,224 --> 00:14:08,297 Whoa, did this just get super hot? 333 00:14:15,879 --> 00:14:19,219 You're mine now, Meg. 334 00:14:21,256 --> 00:14:22,827 Ow. 335 00:14:22,893 --> 00:14:24,831 I like "ow." 336 00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,670 Hey. Whoa, weird. 337 00:14:27,737 --> 00:14:30,375 Sorry to interrupt. I'm just cleaning my cleats. 338 00:14:34,984 --> 00:14:37,957 (gasps) Cats, kittens and cats. 339 00:14:38,023 --> 00:14:40,395 Cat lady. Lots of plastic bags. 340 00:14:40,461 --> 00:14:43,033 Tissues in‐in my sleeves. Velcro sneakers. 341 00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:44,937 Funny dish towels. 342 00:14:45,004 --> 00:14:47,342 (gasps, panting) 343 00:14:47,409 --> 00:14:49,045 Good. 344 00:14:49,112 --> 00:14:52,419 Come, Meg. It's time to go. 345 00:14:56,928 --> 00:14:58,865 Say goodbye to Meg. 346 00:15:01,103 --> 00:15:03,407 - (door opens, closes) - Who's Ned? 347 00:15:09,186 --> 00:15:11,791 Knock‐knock? Meg, you in there? 348 00:15:11,858 --> 00:15:15,631 Look, I just wanted to apologize for the other day. 349 00:15:15,699 --> 00:15:17,469 Hello? 350 00:15:24,349 --> 00:15:26,553 What the hell does this say? 351 00:15:41,283 --> 00:15:44,857 - Oh, my God. - QUAGMIRE: She left, didn't she? 352 00:15:44,924 --> 00:15:48,364 - Quagmire? - I heard everything you were saying about Pouncey, Brian, 353 00:15:48,430 --> 00:15:50,234 and you were right to be concerned. 354 00:15:50,301 --> 00:15:52,740 I knew it. Wait, how did you hear everything I said? 355 00:15:52,806 --> 00:15:56,346 I put a cat‐cam in your house. It was a repurposed shower‐cam. 356 00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:58,217 It's standard cat adoption procedure. 357 00:15:58,284 --> 00:16:00,154 - Is it? Really? - Yep. Yep. 358 00:16:00,221 --> 00:16:01,533 - The agency knew about it? - Yep. 359 00:16:01,557 --> 00:16:03,336 - Because it seems weird that... - Let it go, you prude. 360 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:04,997 We're losing valuable time. 361 00:16:05,064 --> 00:16:07,302 Sometimes cats do have ulterior motives. 362 00:16:07,368 --> 00:16:09,172 Sometimes, when they find the right person, 363 00:16:09,239 --> 00:16:11,043 they enslave them to do their bidding 364 00:16:11,109 --> 00:16:12,312 for the rest of their lives. 365 00:16:12,378 --> 00:16:15,919 Someone to take care of all the feral cats in a neighborhood. 366 00:16:15,986 --> 00:16:17,155 A crazy cat lady? 367 00:16:17,221 --> 00:16:18,992 - That's right. - How do they do that? 368 00:16:19,059 --> 00:16:21,129 Their poop. Toxoplasmosis. 369 00:16:21,196 --> 00:16:23,067 It can make people act crazy. 370 00:16:23,133 --> 00:16:25,338 It's a real thing discovered by this guy. 371 00:16:27,743 --> 00:16:29,212 Oh, dear God. 372 00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:31,259 So what you're saying is that everyone who likes cats 373 00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:32,528 only likes them because they literally 374 00:16:32,552 --> 00:16:34,255 have crap in their brain? 375 00:16:34,322 --> 00:16:36,226 - That's correct. - And people who like dogs 376 00:16:36,293 --> 00:16:38,263 just like 'em because they're chill as hell? 377 00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:41,069 - That's correct. - Wow, what a bulletproof fact. 378 00:16:41,136 --> 00:16:42,472 There's still time to save Meg. 379 00:16:42,538 --> 00:16:45,111 There's a big house on the loneliest block in Quahog. 380 00:16:45,177 --> 00:16:47,181 You can find her there. But go quick. 381 00:16:47,248 --> 00:16:50,321 Once she puts on the fuzzy sweater, it's too late. 382 00:16:50,388 --> 00:16:51,724 You're not gonna come with me? 383 00:16:51,791 --> 00:16:53,795 I can't. 384 00:16:55,131 --> 00:16:57,502 ‐(gasps) ‐They have me, too. 385 00:16:57,568 --> 00:17:00,374 (crying): Go, Brian, get out of here. 386 00:17:01,778 --> 00:17:04,717 ♪ 387 00:17:31,369 --> 00:17:33,407 I'll be right back. 388 00:17:33,474 --> 00:17:36,446 I'm gonna save our Meg. 389 00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:38,417 (door opens, closes) 390 00:17:38,484 --> 00:17:40,722 Who the hell is Ned? 391 00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:45,699 (cats mewing) 392 00:17:47,502 --> 00:17:49,439 You're doing great, Meg. 393 00:17:49,506 --> 00:17:51,978 Yeah, I feel good. Like I belong here. 394 00:17:52,044 --> 00:17:55,384 - Will I get used to the...? - You'll get used to the smell, yes. 395 00:17:57,188 --> 00:18:00,227 Let her go. Ooh, oh, it stinks. 396 00:18:00,294 --> 00:18:01,596 It's too late, Brian. 397 00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:04,670 Years of ridicule and neglect have brought me here. 398 00:18:04,737 --> 00:18:06,841 This is my destiny. 399 00:18:06,908 --> 00:18:10,381 Yes, it is. She needs us and we need her. 400 00:18:10,447 --> 00:18:12,686 And I'm not gonna let you get in the way. 401 00:18:12,753 --> 00:18:14,155 (hisses) 402 00:18:14,222 --> 00:18:16,426 - (cats yowling) - (Brian grunting) 403 00:18:24,275 --> 00:18:26,313 (coins clinking) 404 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:31,590 (screeches) 405 00:18:32,625 --> 00:18:33,627 (grunts) 406 00:18:35,164 --> 00:18:37,669 (screeching) 407 00:18:40,274 --> 00:18:41,476 (shouts) 408 00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,569 (screeches) 409 00:19:01,884 --> 00:19:04,723 (grunting) 410 00:19:22,391 --> 00:19:26,767 Now I'm gonna make you watch as you lose her forever. 411 00:19:32,178 --> 00:19:33,513 Midnight. 412 00:19:33,580 --> 00:19:35,417 Not a sound from the pavement. 413 00:19:35,484 --> 00:19:37,455 - What? - It's from Cats, you idiot. 414 00:19:37,521 --> 00:19:39,525 - Oh, word? - MEG: Brian. 415 00:19:39,592 --> 00:19:42,431 Meg, you have your whole life ahead of you. 416 00:19:42,498 --> 00:19:44,670 Cats are amazing. 417 00:19:44,737 --> 00:19:46,539 But they're also complete dicks. 418 00:19:46,606 --> 00:19:48,945 And you're too young to give it all up for them. 419 00:19:49,012 --> 00:19:52,251 You have a family and a dog who care about you. 420 00:19:52,318 --> 00:19:54,690 I don't. I have nothing. 421 00:19:54,757 --> 00:19:58,163 I should be the cat lady. Give me the sweater. 422 00:20:03,206 --> 00:20:04,308 Quagmire, no. 423 00:20:04,375 --> 00:20:07,148 It's okay, Brian. I'm already gone. 424 00:20:08,985 --> 00:20:11,189 (cats mewing) 425 00:20:11,256 --> 00:20:15,899 ♪ Look, a new day ♪ 426 00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:18,971 ♪ Has begun. ♪ 427 00:20:31,362 --> 00:20:33,734 Looks like you were right about cats, Brian. 428 00:20:33,801 --> 00:20:35,839 I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. 429 00:20:35,905 --> 00:20:37,308 You're a good dog. 430 00:20:37,374 --> 00:20:39,646 No, I haven't been a very good dog to you. 431 00:20:39,713 --> 00:20:41,583 But that's gonna change. 432 00:20:41,650 --> 00:20:45,792 Starting now, I'm gonna be the best darn dog I can be. 433 00:20:48,898 --> 00:20:50,702 Me and the peanut butter are heading up. 434 00:20:50,768 --> 00:20:52,438 See you in seven minutes. 435 00:20:52,505 --> 00:20:53,674 (sighs) 436 00:20:53,741 --> 00:20:55,845 Chunky's kind of a weird choice, yeah? 437 00:20:55,912 --> 00:20:58,651 - Yep. - Should I pause Hawaii Five‐O? 438 00:20:58,718 --> 00:21:00,822 Nah, just watch it but don't delete it.