1
00:00:02,228 --> 00:00:04,336
♪ It seems today
that all you see
♪
2
00:00:04,413 --> 00:00:07,655
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,733 --> 00:00:11,251
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,328 --> 00:00:14,254
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,331 --> 00:00:17,758
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,834 --> 00:00:21,186
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
♪
7
00:00:21,263 --> 00:00:22,596
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,672 --> 00:00:23,671
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:29,737
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:33,942 --> 00:00:37,127
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to House Hunters: Westeros.
11
00:00:37,129 --> 00:00:39,020
I love it. Sold!
12
00:00:39,098 --> 00:00:41,114
Be warned, Khaleesi.
13
00:00:41,191 --> 00:00:43,283
The fourth bedroom has
no point of egress.
14
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:46,027
And the HOA is known to be...
15
00:00:46,029 --> 00:00:47,287
unmerciful.
16
00:00:47,364 --> 00:00:49,531
-Shame.
-(rings bell)
17
00:00:49,608 --> 00:00:51,050
Shame.
18
00:00:51,126 --> 00:00:54,111
Trash cans must be off the curb
by 10:00 a.m.!
19
00:00:54,113 --> 00:00:56,129
And pick up after your dragons!
20
00:00:56,131 --> 00:00:57,705
Hey, can somebody change
the channel?
21
00:00:57,783 --> 00:01:00,726
I'll watch anything except these
stupid home renovation shows.
22
00:01:00,803 --> 00:01:03,303
-What's wrong with them?
-Besides their lack of Kermits?
23
00:01:03,380 --> 00:01:06,456
Lots of things. It's mindless,
cookie-cutter entertainment
24
00:01:06,458 --> 00:01:08,067
for wish-fulfillment nobodies.
25
00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:10,127
And the more I watch
these stupid shows,
26
00:01:10,129 --> 00:01:12,129
the more I realize
I really love 'em.
27
00:01:12,131 --> 00:01:13,630
Oh, my God-- me, too!
28
00:01:13,632 --> 00:01:15,649
It's the only thing
I watch on planes.
29
00:01:15,725 --> 00:01:19,152
No! Why would they pick that
house over the ranch-style?
30
00:01:19,229 --> 00:01:20,654
It's close to the city center,
31
00:01:20,730 --> 00:01:23,156
which, according
to these shows, is important.
32
00:01:23,233 --> 00:01:26,159
You know, I bet we could do
our own HGTV show.
33
00:01:26,236 --> 00:01:29,313
If those Property Husbands can
do it, we can do it.
34
00:01:29,315 --> 00:01:30,923
They're brothers, Cleveland.
35
00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:32,999
They're husbands.
36
00:01:33,001 --> 00:01:35,094
Are you guys suggesting
we make our own show
37
00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:36,653
instead of going to the doctor
38
00:01:36,655 --> 00:01:38,246
for our lethally high
blood pressure?
39
00:01:38,324 --> 00:01:41,158
-Uh, y-you could easily do both.
-One or the other.
40
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:42,750
Let's do it. It'll be fun.
41
00:01:42,828 --> 00:01:44,328
And, you know, we haven't done
anything together
42
00:01:44,330 --> 00:01:46,313
since we rode that ride
at the amusement park.
43
00:01:47,850 --> 00:01:50,183
I feel like, uh, I might be
too heavy for this ride.
44
00:01:50,260 --> 00:01:52,853
No, no, they account for all
types of people. You're fine.
45
00:01:52,929 --> 00:01:54,929
-(laughing)
-Aah! Help!
46
00:01:55,007 --> 00:01:57,841
I'm too heavy!
Glenn! I'm too heavy!
47
00:01:57,843 --> 00:01:59,860
I'm too heavy, Mr. Quagmire!
48
00:01:59,936 --> 00:02:02,979
I'm too heavy!
I'm too heavy, Glenn!
49
00:02:03,015 --> 00:02:04,790
I'm too heavy.
50
00:02:04,867 --> 00:02:07,417
I'm too heavy.
I'm too heavy.
51
00:02:11,874 --> 00:02:13,114
Why are you wearing that?
52
00:02:13,192 --> 00:02:15,709
Did you go to that John Popper
estate sale?
53
00:02:15,785 --> 00:02:18,195
No, me and the guys are
doing our own HGTV show.
54
00:02:18,197 --> 00:02:21,807
What?! I'm a mom!
I love those shows!
55
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,425
I would've done that with you.
56
00:02:23,427 --> 00:02:25,719
I'm just sitting here,
reading a blank book.
57
00:02:25,795 --> 00:02:28,463
When it's not my story,
they give me empty books.
58
00:02:28,540 --> 00:02:31,375
Sorry, we already shot
our first one. Check it out.
59
00:02:31,377 --> 00:02:32,985
FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
This week on Kitchen House,
60
00:02:33,061 --> 00:02:34,561
the kitchen boys take on
61
00:02:34,638 --> 00:02:36,062
a four-bed,
three-bath craftsman
62
00:02:36,215 --> 00:02:40,141
and transform it into a
nonsense seven-kitch', no-bath.
63
00:02:40,219 --> 00:02:42,310
But first they meet
with some new clients
64
00:02:42,388 --> 00:02:44,738
looking to make updates
to an old family home.
65
00:02:44,814 --> 00:02:47,057
Okay, the first thing I'd do
is take down this wall
66
00:02:47,059 --> 00:02:48,149
to open up the kitchen.
67
00:02:48,227 --> 00:02:49,393
Just make this
whole room a kitchen.
68
00:02:49,395 --> 00:02:51,228
And then
I'm gonna gut this bathroom,
69
00:02:51,230 --> 00:02:53,154
pull out all the toilets
and make it a kitchen.
70
00:02:53,232 --> 00:02:55,065
Same thing upstairs.
And in the master.
71
00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:57,067
So, we won't have any toilets?
72
00:02:57,069 --> 00:02:58,402
Well, sinks are
basically toilets.
73
00:02:58,404 --> 00:03:00,328
I mean, th-they're both just
holes with water.
74
00:03:00,406 --> 00:03:01,922
But it feels different.
75
00:03:01,998 --> 00:03:03,256
I can show you and you'll see
76
00:03:03,333 --> 00:03:04,925
there's a very
minimal difference.
77
00:03:05,001 --> 00:03:07,744
Uh, I just don't think I can go
to the bathroom in a sink.
78
00:03:07,746 --> 00:03:09,913
That's what everyone says
until they do it once.
79
00:03:09,915 --> 00:03:12,691
And then you realize they're
both just holes with water.
80
00:03:12,768 --> 00:03:15,252
-Why do you keep saying that?
-Because it's true.
81
00:03:15,254 --> 00:03:17,362
Now, let me walk you through
my thoughts on the garage.
82
00:03:17,439 --> 00:03:19,089
You see where
that car is parked?
83
00:03:19,091 --> 00:03:21,107
Imagine that, all kitchen.
84
00:03:21,184 --> 00:03:23,118
♪ Five front doors. ♪
85
00:03:23,946 --> 00:03:25,779
So, the first thing I think
86
00:03:25,855 --> 00:03:28,207
when I look at this house is
"Not enough front doors."
87
00:03:28,209 --> 00:03:30,951
And before you ask,
this is in no way related
88
00:03:31,027 --> 00:03:33,437
to any OCD compulsion I have
89
00:03:33,439 --> 00:03:35,288
about needing doors
to correspond to each weekday.
90
00:03:35,365 --> 00:03:38,032
Now, let's go buy
some doors and big hammers.
91
00:03:38,110 --> 00:03:39,960
♪ Five front doors. ♪
92
00:03:39,962 --> 00:03:42,554
Okay, we got our doors
and big hammers.
93
00:03:42,631 --> 00:03:45,449
Now it's time for
my favorite part of every job:
94
00:03:45,451 --> 00:03:46,967
the demo.
95
00:03:47,043 --> 00:03:49,061
Are you sure Lois said
this is okay?
96
00:03:49,137 --> 00:03:50,637
Yeah, yeah, it's
five front doors, Cleveland.
97
00:03:50,639 --> 00:03:52,956
It makes sense.
All right, start on five:
98
00:03:52,958 --> 00:03:56,460
one, two, three, four, five!
99
00:03:56,462 --> 00:03:59,053
(grunting)
100
00:03:59,131 --> 00:04:01,222
What the hell
are you doing, Peter?!
101
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:02,983
Five front doors, Lois!
102
00:04:02,985 --> 00:04:05,819
Damn it! Did you stop taking
your OCD meds?
103
00:04:05,895 --> 00:04:07,412
They don't make me
feel creative.
104
00:04:07,489 --> 00:04:09,039
Five front doors!
105
00:04:12,736 --> 00:04:16,088
Are you gonna at least fix
this huge hole in our wall?
106
00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:17,256
I mean, we're one step away
107
00:04:17,332 --> 00:04:19,407
from being
a blue-tarp-on-the-house family,
108
00:04:19,409 --> 00:04:21,835
and that's always been
my line in the sand.
109
00:04:21,837 --> 00:04:23,153
I'm gonna do
what all husbands do
110
00:04:23,155 --> 00:04:24,321
when they screw
something up:
111
00:04:24,323 --> 00:04:26,247
tuck my penis high
between my butt
112
00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:28,341
and hire a professional
to fix it for me.
113
00:04:28,418 --> 00:04:30,660
I can't wait to own a house.
114
00:04:30,662 --> 00:04:32,729
♪
115
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:40,020
(barking)
116
00:04:40,096 --> 00:04:41,354
Hey! This is my house!
117
00:04:41,431 --> 00:04:43,264
I'm gonna jump
forward but backwards
118
00:04:43,266 --> 00:04:44,858
to show you how serious I am!
119
00:04:44,934 --> 00:04:47,035
(growling)
120
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,271
Oh, hi.
121
00:04:50,273 --> 00:04:52,866
If I knew my lap was
gonna have visitors,
122
00:04:52,942 --> 00:04:54,960
I would have changed
my rowing underwear.
123
00:04:55,037 --> 00:04:57,796
Rowing, huh?
What are you, the cox?
124
00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:01,024
♪
125
00:05:01,026 --> 00:05:02,859
Aw, she's so cute.
126
00:05:02,861 --> 00:05:04,361
Can I keep her?
127
00:05:04,363 --> 00:05:06,287
Ah, I don't know.
Can she set up a cutaway?
128
00:05:06,365 --> 00:05:07,121
(meows)
129
00:05:07,199 --> 00:05:08,974
Can I help you?
130
00:05:09,051 --> 00:05:10,958
(meows)
131
00:05:11,036 --> 00:05:13,395
And just like that,
the Griffins have a cat.
132
00:05:20,470 --> 00:05:21,394
Morning, fam.
133
00:05:21,396 --> 00:05:24,823
What is that thing
still doing here?
134
00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:26,808
That thing's name is Pouncey.
135
00:05:26,885 --> 00:05:28,142
And she's my cat now.
136
00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:29,386
What do you think, Pounce?
137
00:05:29,388 --> 00:05:31,145
Want to split a can of tuna?
138
00:05:31,223 --> 00:05:33,481
One can of toon, Ma.
Keep the water.
139
00:05:33,559 --> 00:05:34,499
This suits her.
140
00:05:34,576 --> 00:05:36,242
But we're a dog family.
141
00:05:36,319 --> 00:05:37,911
You guys are okay with this?
142
00:05:37,987 --> 00:05:39,654
I stopped making decisions
for this family
143
00:05:39,731 --> 00:05:41,915
when you bought that Roomba
to replace me.
144
00:05:41,991 --> 00:05:43,249
(chiming)
145
00:05:43,326 --> 00:05:44,992
(robotic voice):
Living room complete.
146
00:05:45,070 --> 00:05:46,327
Thank you, Roomba.
147
00:05:46,405 --> 00:05:48,347
You'll never be their mother!
148
00:05:48,423 --> 00:05:51,332
I-I just feel like I should have
been consulted on this decision
149
00:05:51,410 --> 00:05:53,852
to bring my natural enemy
into the house.
150
00:05:53,929 --> 00:05:55,187
They may seem like good pets,
151
00:05:55,263 --> 00:05:57,247
but they always have
ulterior motives.
152
00:05:57,249 --> 00:05:59,340
Well, I think having a cat
will be good for Meg.
153
00:05:59,418 --> 00:06:01,418
You'll get used to it, Brian.
154
00:06:01,420 --> 00:06:04,104
Just like I got used to
Peter's extra pinky finger.
155
00:06:04,180 --> 00:06:07,090
To another 20 years
of marital bliss.
156
00:06:07,092 --> 00:06:08,992
Cheers, my love.
157
00:06:11,597 --> 00:06:13,330
Oh...
158
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,617
(sniffs)
Ugh, that finger stinks.
159
00:06:17,694 --> 00:06:20,420
I'm still learning
to wipe with it, my love.
160
00:06:23,458 --> 00:06:25,366
(doorbell rings)
161
00:06:25,444 --> 00:06:27,127
What day is it?
Is it the Purge?
162
00:06:27,129 --> 00:06:28,795
That's not a real thing.
163
00:06:28,872 --> 00:06:31,056
All right,
then you answer the door.
164
00:06:31,133 --> 00:06:32,516
Chris, answer the door.
165
00:06:34,043 --> 00:06:36,136
Hello, Christopher.
May I come in?
166
00:06:36,212 --> 00:06:39,139
I don't know,
I'm just "a dumb kid."
167
00:06:39,215 --> 00:06:42,067
Or at least that's what I'm told
when I ask for fun things.
168
00:06:42,144 --> 00:06:43,551
I want a Zippo!
169
00:06:43,629 --> 00:06:44,886
You'll burn things.
170
00:06:44,963 --> 00:06:46,488
Yeah! I know!
171
00:06:48,467 --> 00:06:51,076
Cool, just put that
on my puzzle.
172
00:06:51,153 --> 00:06:53,153
I never liked this string bean.
173
00:06:53,229 --> 00:06:54,971
What's going on, Quagmire?
174
00:06:54,973 --> 00:06:57,082
Before families can
officially adopt a cat,
175
00:06:57,159 --> 00:06:59,400
someone needs to make sure
the animal is being placed
176
00:06:59,478 --> 00:07:01,828
in a loving
and safe environment.
177
00:07:01,905 --> 00:07:03,088
That someone is me.
178
00:07:03,165 --> 00:07:05,665
Is this necessary? You know us.
179
00:07:05,667 --> 00:07:08,075
Good people can still be
bad cat owners, Lois.
180
00:07:08,153 --> 00:07:10,762
-Ever heard of Eric Hoernel?
-No.
181
00:07:10,839 --> 00:07:12,989
Oh. Well, that--
that would have helped
182
00:07:12,991 --> 00:07:14,324
my point a little bit more.
183
00:07:14,326 --> 00:07:16,435
Before I begin,
may I see the cat?
184
00:07:17,663 --> 00:07:19,253
Hi, you.
185
00:07:19,331 --> 00:07:21,940
Oh... such a sweetheart.
186
00:07:22,058 --> 00:07:27,020
Oh. You. Are. Why.
I. Give. Up. My. Sundays.
187
00:07:27,096 --> 00:07:29,172
(clears throat)
188
00:07:29,174 --> 00:07:31,265
Okay. Now I'm gonna walk
through the house
189
00:07:31,267 --> 00:07:33,118
and make sure
everything's cat-friendly.
190
00:07:33,195 --> 00:07:35,287
Okay, this is a problem
right here.
191
00:07:35,363 --> 00:07:37,605
Kind of in this whole area.
192
00:07:37,683 --> 00:07:40,183
Your front windows
are west-facing. That's good.
193
00:07:40,185 --> 00:07:42,686
Will make for very cozy
afternoon sun naps.
194
00:07:42,688 --> 00:07:45,371
Still getting a pretty
bad vibe from over here.
195
00:07:45,373 --> 00:07:48,282
Lastly, catnip is
a Class B narcotic.
196
00:07:48,284 --> 00:07:50,952
It is a drug.
It is a drug.
197
00:07:51,029 --> 00:07:53,955
Yeah, we don't-- we don't keep
any of that stuff around.
198
00:07:54,032 --> 00:07:56,032
Great. Adoption approved.
199
00:07:56,034 --> 00:07:58,143
(gasps)
Did you hear that, Pouncey?
200
00:07:58,220 --> 00:07:59,811
You're officially mine.
201
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,387
Here are all
your adoption papers.
202
00:08:01,389 --> 00:08:03,873
It has everything you need
to know about owning a cat.
203
00:08:03,875 --> 00:08:06,226
Standard stuff like
what to feed 'em, local vets,
204
00:08:06,228 --> 00:08:08,211
toxoplasmosis, blah, blah, blah.
205
00:08:08,213 --> 00:08:10,322
Wait, what's toxoplasmosis?
206
00:08:10,398 --> 00:08:12,899
Oh, it's nothing. Just a
parasite found in cat feces.
207
00:08:12,976 --> 00:08:14,159
If it gets in your bloodstream,
208
00:08:14,236 --> 00:08:16,052
it can make people
a little crazy.
209
00:08:16,054 --> 00:08:17,144
It's really nothing
to worry about
210
00:08:17,222 --> 00:08:18,905
unless you're an owner
like Eric Hoernel.
211
00:08:18,982 --> 00:08:20,832
Again, we don't know who he is.
212
00:08:20,909 --> 00:08:22,984
Oh, right.
Well, he wasn't good.
213
00:08:23,061 --> 00:08:25,395
Anyway, congratulations.
214
00:08:25,397 --> 00:08:29,156
Aah! Who put up this tripwire?!
215
00:08:29,158 --> 00:08:31,901
Puzzling, isn't it?
216
00:08:31,903 --> 00:08:34,012
♪
217
00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:40,243
(indistinct chatter)
218
00:08:40,245 --> 00:08:43,263
Welcome, everybody,
to this year's talent show.
219
00:08:43,265 --> 00:08:46,007
And to whomever wrote
"hot balls" on my forehead
220
00:08:46,084 --> 00:08:48,059
while I napped in my car,
I will find you.
221
00:08:48,136 --> 00:08:49,861
I will find you very soon.
222
00:08:49,938 --> 00:08:52,989
Our first performer today
is Meg Griffin.
223
00:08:54,609 --> 00:08:55,925
("Everybody, Everybody"
by Black Box playing)
224
00:08:55,927 --> 00:08:57,160
♪ Meow ♪
225
00:09:00,023 --> 00:09:01,164
♪ Meow ♪
226
00:09:03,101 --> 00:09:05,335
-♪ Heh ♪
-♪ Meow... ♪
227
00:09:07,939 --> 00:09:10,090
This is worse.
228
00:09:15,964 --> 00:09:17,964
Ah! Cat butt!
229
00:09:18,041 --> 00:09:20,784
What do I do? Where do I look?
What do I do?
230
00:09:20,786 --> 00:09:22,060
Oh, thank God.
231
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,377
I almost looked right at it.
232
00:09:23,455 --> 00:09:25,379
Ah! I looked right at it!
233
00:09:25,381 --> 00:09:28,308
Oh, it looks like
a worn-out dartboard bull's-eye!
234
00:09:28,384 --> 00:09:32,028
How was Michael Jackson
so into this?
235
00:09:37,302 --> 00:09:39,302
All right, nobody's home.
236
00:09:39,304 --> 00:09:41,487
Time to go down to the...
237
00:09:41,564 --> 00:09:43,081
Oh, hello.
238
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,083
Look, I'm-I'm just trying
to go downstairs, all right?
239
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,293
I don't want any trouble.
240
00:09:47,646 --> 00:09:49,379
Okay. Good talk.
241
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,334
(chuckles) Having a hard time
getting a read
242
00:09:54,410 --> 00:09:56,511
on what you're gonna do here.
243
00:10:13,004 --> 00:10:14,187
(laughs)
244
00:10:14,263 --> 00:10:16,689
Oh, my God,
I'm totally in your head.
245
00:10:16,766 --> 00:10:19,266
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
stop the clock, you can talk?
246
00:10:19,268 --> 00:10:22,011
Uh, yeah. All cats can talk.
247
00:10:22,013 --> 00:10:23,863
We just choose not to respond.
248
00:10:23,940 --> 00:10:25,365
To anything. Ever.
249
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:27,608
So, you choose to be dicks?
250
00:10:27,610 --> 00:10:28,960
Yeah. It's hilarious.
251
00:10:29,037 --> 00:10:30,854
Humans are masochists, man.
252
00:10:30,856 --> 00:10:32,797
You should see how many toys
they've bought me.
253
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,281
Haven't played with one.
254
00:10:34,283 --> 00:10:36,283
I just sit in the box.
255
00:10:36,361 --> 00:10:39,195
I knew you didn't really care
about this family or Meg.
256
00:10:39,197 --> 00:10:40,697
-So?
-So?
257
00:10:40,699 --> 00:10:42,289
Pets are supposed to care
about their owners.
258
00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:45,218
Cats aren't pets.
Humans are the pets.
259
00:10:45,294 --> 00:10:47,979
And I have big plans for Meg.
260
00:10:48,056 --> 00:10:50,206
Yeah?
Not if I expose you first.
261
00:10:50,208 --> 00:10:54,560
It's so cute how you still think
you're their favorite pet.
262
00:10:54,637 --> 00:10:57,063
You've been replaced, bub.
263
00:10:57,140 --> 00:10:58,973
I am still this family's dog,
264
00:10:59,050 --> 00:11:00,808
and I'm not gonna back down
to some cat.
265
00:11:00,886 --> 00:11:05,221
"Fate whispers to the dog, 'You
cannot withstand the storm.'
266
00:11:05,223 --> 00:11:07,891
-The dog replies, 'I am...'" Ow.
-(screeches)
267
00:11:07,893 --> 00:11:10,818
-"The dog replies,
'I am the...'" Ow.
-(screeches)
268
00:11:10,896 --> 00:11:12,337
-"'I am the...'" Ow.
-(screeches)
269
00:11:12,414 --> 00:11:13,913
-"'I am the...'" Ow.
-(screeches)
270
00:11:13,990 --> 00:11:15,322
"'I am the...'" Ow.
271
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,083
(laughing)
272
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:20,570
Well, I'd say
this is a
purr-fect
way
273
00:11:20,572 --> 00:11:24,090
to spend a Friday night.
274
00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:26,242
Ooh, I'm gonna comment that.
275
00:11:26,244 --> 00:11:28,411
-(knocking on door)
-MAN: Hello, it's Instacart.
276
00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:30,522
I have your $170 worth
of ice cream.
277
00:11:30,598 --> 00:11:34,025
Promo code: lonely.
278
00:11:36,922 --> 00:11:38,345
Stewie, I got to talk to you.
279
00:11:38,423 --> 00:11:40,198
Sure, what's up?
We were just reading.
280
00:11:40,275 --> 00:11:42,349
(gasps)
Kitty cat.
281
00:11:42,427 --> 00:11:43,927
That's what I wanted
to talk about.
282
00:11:43,929 --> 00:11:45,352
She's lying to everyone, Stewie.
283
00:11:45,430 --> 00:11:46,854
Did you know she can talk?
284
00:11:46,932 --> 00:11:48,114
Yeah. We were just
discussing our book
285
00:11:48,191 --> 00:11:50,542
about Chinese communism
with Chairman
Mayo.
286
00:11:50,618 --> 00:11:53,436
-(meows): Mao.
-You're right, you're right.
Sorry, sorry.
287
00:11:53,438 --> 00:11:55,121
No, I mean she can really talk.
288
00:11:55,198 --> 00:11:57,790
She told me
that she is using the family
289
00:11:57,867 --> 00:11:59,551
for some kind of cat plan.
290
00:11:59,627 --> 00:12:02,053
Brian, have you been
watching flat Earth videos?
291
00:12:02,130 --> 00:12:03,722
Those always
make you mistrustful.
292
00:12:03,798 --> 00:12:05,131
I'm serious, Stewie.
293
00:12:05,208 --> 00:12:07,116
And there are actually
some flat Earth models
294
00:12:07,118 --> 00:12:08,451
that aren't completely idiotic.
295
00:12:08,453 --> 00:12:10,061
Look, I can't do this right now.
296
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:12,046
We're pretty into our book
about Chairman Mayo.
297
00:12:12,123 --> 00:12:13,898
-(meows): Mao.
-(chuckles): Sorry, sorry.
298
00:12:13,975 --> 00:12:16,526
Get out of here, Brian,
you're messing me up.
299
00:12:19,314 --> 00:12:22,315
Meg, I need to talk to you
about Pouncey.
300
00:12:22,391 --> 00:12:24,242
It is my duty
as this family's dog
301
00:12:24,319 --> 00:12:26,152
to protect it
when I sense danger.
302
00:12:26,229 --> 00:12:28,154
And I sense danger with Pouncey.
303
00:12:28,231 --> 00:12:30,156
Look, you may be our family dog,
304
00:12:30,233 --> 00:12:32,250
but you've never really
been my dog.
305
00:12:32,327 --> 00:12:34,978
I'm a punching bag
at school and at home.
306
00:12:34,980 --> 00:12:37,981
And there were some days where
I could have really used a dog
307
00:12:37,983 --> 00:12:38,982
to help cheer me up.
308
00:12:38,984 --> 00:12:40,241
And where were you?
309
00:12:40,318 --> 00:12:42,502
Hanging out with Dad
or-or Chris or Stewie
310
00:12:42,578 --> 00:12:44,837
for your little
time travel adventures.
311
00:12:44,839 --> 00:12:46,155
You know about the time machine?
312
00:12:46,157 --> 00:12:47,915
Yeah, my room's right next door.
313
00:12:47,993 --> 00:12:49,917
That thing's loud as (bleep).
314
00:12:49,919 --> 00:12:50,935
I have a new pet now.
315
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:53,438
One that's there for me
when I need her.
316
00:12:53,515 --> 00:12:54,998
Unlike you.
317
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,849
Okay. I see.
318
00:12:56,926 --> 00:12:58,851
(microwave chimes)
319
00:12:58,853 --> 00:13:01,004
You have a microwave
in your room?
320
00:13:01,006 --> 00:13:03,172
Yeah, I got tired
of people groaning
321
00:13:03,174 --> 00:13:04,598
every time I went
into the kitchen.
322
00:13:04,676 --> 00:13:07,860
Oh. You got, uh,
Redenbacher's up in there?
323
00:13:07,862 --> 00:13:09,120
-Yeah.
-Oh, word?
324
00:13:09,197 --> 00:13:11,364
Brian, stop trying
to sound young.
325
00:13:11,366 --> 00:13:12,957
(chuckles)
Okay, Booger.
326
00:13:13,034 --> 00:13:15,376
-(scoffs) Boomer.
-Boomer.
327
00:13:19,949 --> 00:13:22,116
(purring)
328
00:13:22,193 --> 00:13:24,385
You make me so happy, Pouncey.
329
00:13:26,214 --> 00:13:30,199
This is gonna sound weird,
but do you want to dance?
330
00:13:30,201 --> 00:13:33,144
("Good Man in a Bad Time"
by Ian Hunter playing)
331
00:13:39,544 --> 00:13:41,694
This is fun, right?
332
00:14:04,402 --> 00:14:07,262
Whoa, did this just get
super hot?
333
00:14:14,913 --> 00:14:18,147
You're mine now, Meg.
334
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,842
Ow.
335
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,736
I like "ow."
336
00:14:24,847 --> 00:14:26,680
Hey. Whoa, weird.
337
00:14:26,758 --> 00:14:29,284
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm just cleaning my cleats.
338
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:36,949
(gasps)
Cats, kittens and cats.
339
00:14:37,026 --> 00:14:39,360
Cat lady. Lots of plastic bags.
340
00:14:39,437 --> 00:14:41,954
Tissues in-in my sleeves.
Velcro sneakers.
341
00:14:42,031 --> 00:14:43,940
Funny dish towels.
342
00:14:43,942 --> 00:14:46,292
(gasps, panting)
343
00:14:46,294 --> 00:14:47,960
Good.
344
00:14:48,037 --> 00:14:51,264
Come, Meg. It's time to go.
345
00:14:55,803 --> 00:14:57,729
Say goodbye to Meg.
346
00:14:59,974 --> 00:15:02,317
-(door opens, closes)
-Who's Ned?
347
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,742
Knock-knock? Meg, you in there?
348
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:14,637
Look, I just wanted to apologize
for the other day.
349
00:15:14,639 --> 00:15:16,331
Hello?
350
00:15:23,314 --> 00:15:25,423
What the hell does this say?
351
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:43,757
-Oh, my God.
-QUAGMIRE: She left, didn't she?
352
00:15:43,835 --> 00:15:47,261
-Quagmire?
-I heard everything you were
saying about Pouncey, Brian,
353
00:15:47,338 --> 00:15:49,172
and you were right
to be concerned.
354
00:15:49,174 --> 00:15:51,616
I knew it. Wait, how did you
hear everything I said?
355
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:55,194
I put a cat-cam in your house.
It was a repurposed shower-cam.
356
00:15:55,271 --> 00:15:57,180
It's standard cat adoption
procedure.
357
00:15:57,182 --> 00:15:59,123
-Is it? Really?
-Yep. Yep.
358
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,533
-The agency knew about it?
-Yep.
359
00:16:00,535 --> 00:16:02,276
-Because it seems weird that...
-Let it go, you prude.
360
00:16:02,278 --> 00:16:03,944
We're losing valuable time.
361
00:16:04,022 --> 00:16:06,280
Sometimes cats do have
ulterior motives.
362
00:16:06,282 --> 00:16:08,115
Sometimes, when they find
the right person,
363
00:16:08,193 --> 00:16:09,783
they enslave them
to do their bidding
364
00:16:09,861 --> 00:16:11,360
for the rest of their lives.
365
00:16:11,379 --> 00:16:14,806
Someone to take care of all the
feral cats in a neighborhood.
366
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:16,048
A crazy cat lady?
367
00:16:16,125 --> 00:16:17,883
-That's right.
-How do they do that?
368
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,978
Their poop. Toxoplasmosis.
369
00:16:20,054 --> 00:16:21,962
It can make people act crazy.
370
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,148
It's a real thing
discovered by this guy.
371
00:16:26,561 --> 00:16:28,302
Oh, dear God.
372
00:16:28,379 --> 00:16:30,062
So what you're saying
is that everyone who likes cats
373
00:16:30,139 --> 00:16:31,397
only likes them
because they literally
374
00:16:31,474 --> 00:16:33,140
have crap in their brain?
375
00:16:33,218 --> 00:16:34,993
-That's correct.
-And people who like dogs
376
00:16:35,069 --> 00:16:37,144
just like 'em
because they're chill as hell?
377
00:16:37,222 --> 00:16:39,998
-That's correct.
-Wow, what a bulletproof fact.
378
00:16:40,074 --> 00:16:41,482
There's still time to save Meg.
379
00:16:41,559 --> 00:16:44,151
There's a big house on
the loneliest block in Quahog.
380
00:16:44,153 --> 00:16:46,062
You can find her there.
But go quick.
381
00:16:46,064 --> 00:16:49,156
Once she puts on the fuzzy
sweater, it's too late.
382
00:16:49,234 --> 00:16:50,508
You're not gonna come with me?
383
00:16:50,585 --> 00:16:52,552
I can't.
384
00:16:53,921 --> 00:16:56,497
-(gasps)
-They have me, too.
385
00:16:56,574 --> 00:16:59,100
(crying):
Go, Brian, get out of here.
386
00:17:00,595 --> 00:17:03,521
♪
387
00:17:30,199 --> 00:17:32,216
I'll be right back.
388
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:35,219
I'm gonna save our Meg.
389
00:17:35,296 --> 00:17:37,280
(door opens, closes)
390
00:17:37,282 --> 00:17:39,432
Who the hell is Ned?
391
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,395
(cats mewing)
392
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,291
You're doing great, Meg.
393
00:17:48,293 --> 00:17:50,735
Yeah, I feel good.
Like I belong here.
394
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:54,072
-Will I get used to the...?
-You'll get used
to the smell, yes.
395
00:17:55,967 --> 00:17:58,968
Let her go. Ooh, oh, it stinks.
396
00:17:58,970 --> 00:18:00,319
It's too late, Brian.
397
00:18:00,396 --> 00:18:03,489
Years of ridicule and neglect
have brought me here.
398
00:18:03,566 --> 00:18:05,808
This is my destiny.
399
00:18:05,810 --> 00:18:09,161
Yes, it is.
She needs us and we need her.
400
00:18:09,238 --> 00:18:11,422
And I'm not gonna let you
get in the way.
401
00:18:11,499 --> 00:18:12,924
(hisses)
402
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,134
-(cats yowling)
-(Brian grunting)
403
00:18:23,010 --> 00:18:25,019
(coins clinking)
404
00:18:28,499 --> 00:18:30,274
(screeches)
405
00:18:31,352 --> 00:18:32,318
(grunts)
406
00:18:33,855 --> 00:18:36,364
(screeching)
407
00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:40,159
(shouts)
408
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:53,214
(screeches)
409
00:19:00,698 --> 00:19:03,432
(grunting)
410
00:19:21,068 --> 00:19:25,413
Now I'm gonna make you watch
as you lose her forever.
411
00:19:30,895 --> 00:19:32,244
Midnight.
412
00:19:32,246 --> 00:19:34,154
Not a sound from the pavement.
413
00:19:34,232 --> 00:19:36,156
-What?
-It's from Cats, you idiot.
414
00:19:36,234 --> 00:19:38,176
-Oh, word?
-MEG: Brian.
415
00:19:38,252 --> 00:19:41,086
Meg, you have your whole life
ahead of you.
416
00:19:41,163 --> 00:19:43,347
Cats are amazing.
417
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,257
But they're also complete dicks.
418
00:19:45,259 --> 00:19:47,593
And you're too young
to give it all up for them.
419
00:19:47,711 --> 00:19:50,855
You have a family and a dog
who care about you.
420
00:19:50,932 --> 00:19:53,357
I don't. I have nothing.
421
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:56,736
I should be the cat lady.
Give me the sweater.
422
00:20:01,850 --> 00:20:02,942
Quagmire, no.
423
00:20:03,018 --> 00:20:05,703
It's okay, Brian.
I'm already gone.
424
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,932
(cats mewing)
425
00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:14,528
♪ Look, a new day ♪
426
00:20:14,605 --> 00:20:17,506
♪ Has begun. ♪
427
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,304
Looks like you were right
about cats, Brian.
428
00:20:32,381 --> 00:20:34,548
I'm sorry I didn't
listen to you.
429
00:20:34,550 --> 00:20:35,882
You're a good dog.
430
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,218
No, I haven't been
a very good dog to you.
431
00:20:38,296 --> 00:20:40,145
But that's gonna change.
432
00:20:40,222 --> 00:20:44,283
Starting now, I'm gonna be
the best darn dog I can be.
433
00:20:47,563 --> 00:20:49,305
Me and the peanut butter
are heading up.
434
00:20:49,307 --> 00:20:50,990
See you in seven minutes.
435
00:20:51,066 --> 00:20:52,232
(sighs)
436
00:20:52,310 --> 00:20:54,401
Chunky's kind of
a weird choice, yeah?
437
00:20:54,479 --> 00:20:57,162
-Yep.
-Should I pause Hawaii Five-O?
438
00:20:57,239 --> 00:20:59,298
Nah, just watch it
but don't delete it.