1 00:00:02,228 --> 00:00:04,336 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,413 --> 00:00:07,655 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,733 --> 00:00:11,251 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,328 --> 00:00:14,254 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,331 --> 00:00:17,758 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,834 --> 00:00:21,186 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,263 --> 00:00:22,596 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,672 --> 00:00:23,671 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:29,737 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:33,942 --> 00:00:37,127 ANNOUNCER: We now return to House Hunters: Westeros. 11 00:00:37,129 --> 00:00:39,020 I love it. Sold! 12 00:00:39,098 --> 00:00:41,114 Be warned, Khaleesi. 13 00:00:41,191 --> 00:00:43,283 The fourth bedroom has no point of egress. 14 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:46,027 And the HOA is known to be... 15 00:00:46,029 --> 00:00:47,287 unmerciful. 16 00:00:47,364 --> 00:00:49,531 -Shame. -(rings bell) 17 00:00:49,608 --> 00:00:51,050 Shame. 18 00:00:51,126 --> 00:00:54,111 Trash cans must be off the curb by 10:00 a.m.! 19 00:00:54,113 --> 00:00:56,129 And pick up after your dragons! 20 00:00:56,131 --> 00:00:57,705 Hey, can somebody change the channel? 21 00:00:57,783 --> 00:01:00,726 I'll watch anything except these stupid home renovation shows. 22 00:01:00,803 --> 00:01:03,303 -What's wrong with them? -Besides their lack of Kermits? 23 00:01:03,380 --> 00:01:06,456 Lots of things. It's mindless, cookie-cutter entertainment 24 00:01:06,458 --> 00:01:08,067 for wish-fulfillment nobodies. 25 00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:10,127 And the more I watch these stupid shows, 26 00:01:10,129 --> 00:01:12,129 the more I realize I really love 'em. 27 00:01:12,131 --> 00:01:13,630 Oh, my God-- me, too! 28 00:01:13,632 --> 00:01:15,649 It's the only thing I watch on planes. 29 00:01:15,725 --> 00:01:19,152 No! Why would they pick that house over the ranch-style? 30 00:01:19,229 --> 00:01:20,654 It's close to the city center, 31 00:01:20,730 --> 00:01:23,156 which, according to these shows, is important. 32 00:01:23,233 --> 00:01:26,159 You know, I bet we could do our own HGTV show. 33 00:01:26,236 --> 00:01:29,313 If those Property Husbands can do it, we can do it. 34 00:01:29,315 --> 00:01:30,923 They're brothers, Cleveland. 35 00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:32,999 They're husbands. 36 00:01:33,001 --> 00:01:35,094 Are you guys suggesting we make our own show 37 00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:36,653 instead of going to the doctor 38 00:01:36,655 --> 00:01:38,246 for our lethally high blood pressure? 39 00:01:38,324 --> 00:01:41,158 -Uh, y-you could easily do both. -One or the other. 40 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:42,750 Let's do it. It'll be fun. 41 00:01:42,828 --> 00:01:44,328 And, you know, we haven't done anything together 42 00:01:44,330 --> 00:01:46,313 since we rode that ride at the amusement park. 43 00:01:47,850 --> 00:01:50,183 I feel like, uh, I might be too heavy for this ride. 44 00:01:50,260 --> 00:01:52,853 No, no, they account for all types of people. You're fine. 45 00:01:52,929 --> 00:01:54,929 -(laughing) -Aah! Help! 46 00:01:55,007 --> 00:01:57,841 I'm too heavy! Glenn! I'm too heavy! 47 00:01:57,843 --> 00:01:59,860 I'm too heavy, Mr. Quagmire! 48 00:01:59,936 --> 00:02:02,979 I'm too heavy! I'm too heavy, Glenn! 49 00:02:03,015 --> 00:02:04,790 I'm too heavy. 50 00:02:04,867 --> 00:02:07,417 I'm too heavy. I'm too heavy. 51 00:02:11,874 --> 00:02:13,114 Why are you wearing that? 52 00:02:13,192 --> 00:02:15,709 Did you go to that John Popper estate sale? 53 00:02:15,785 --> 00:02:18,195 No, me and the guys are doing our own HGTV show. 54 00:02:18,197 --> 00:02:21,807 What?! I'm a mom! I love those shows! 55 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,425 I would've done that with you. 56 00:02:23,427 --> 00:02:25,719 I'm just sitting here, reading a blank book. 57 00:02:25,795 --> 00:02:28,463 When it's not my story, they give me empty books. 58 00:02:28,540 --> 00:02:31,375 Sorry, we already shot our first one. Check it out. 59 00:02:31,377 --> 00:02:32,985 FEMALE ANNOUNCER: This week on Kitchen House, 60 00:02:33,061 --> 00:02:34,561 the kitchen boys take on 61 00:02:34,638 --> 00:02:36,062 a four-bed, three-bath craftsman 62 00:02:36,215 --> 00:02:40,141 and transform it into a nonsense seven-kitch', no-bath. 63 00:02:40,219 --> 00:02:42,310 But first they meet with some new clients 64 00:02:42,388 --> 00:02:44,738 looking to make updates to an old family home. 65 00:02:44,814 --> 00:02:47,057 Okay, the first thing I'd do is take down this wall 66 00:02:47,059 --> 00:02:48,149 to open up the kitchen. 67 00:02:48,227 --> 00:02:49,393 Just make this whole room a kitchen. 68 00:02:49,395 --> 00:02:51,228 And then I'm gonna gut this bathroom, 69 00:02:51,230 --> 00:02:53,154 pull out all the toilets and make it a kitchen. 70 00:02:53,232 --> 00:02:55,065 Same thing upstairs. And in the master. 71 00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:57,067 So, we won't have any toilets? 72 00:02:57,069 --> 00:02:58,402 Well, sinks are basically toilets. 73 00:02:58,404 --> 00:03:00,328 I mean, th-they're both just holes with water. 74 00:03:00,406 --> 00:03:01,922 But it feels different. 75 00:03:01,998 --> 00:03:03,256 I can show you and you'll see 76 00:03:03,333 --> 00:03:04,925 there's a very minimal difference. 77 00:03:05,001 --> 00:03:07,744 Uh, I just don't think I can go to the bathroom in a sink. 78 00:03:07,746 --> 00:03:09,913 That's what everyone says until they do it once. 79 00:03:09,915 --> 00:03:12,691 And then you realize they're both just holes with water. 80 00:03:12,768 --> 00:03:15,252 -Why do you keep saying that? -Because it's true. 81 00:03:15,254 --> 00:03:17,362 Now, let me walk you through my thoughts on the garage. 82 00:03:17,439 --> 00:03:19,089 You see where that car is parked? 83 00:03:19,091 --> 00:03:21,107 Imagine that, all kitchen. 84 00:03:21,184 --> 00:03:23,118 ♪ Five front doors. ♪ 85 00:03:23,946 --> 00:03:25,779 So, the first thing I think 86 00:03:25,855 --> 00:03:28,207 when I look at this house is "Not enough front doors." 87 00:03:28,209 --> 00:03:30,951 And before you ask, this is in no way related 88 00:03:31,027 --> 00:03:33,437 to any OCD compulsion I have 89 00:03:33,439 --> 00:03:35,288 about needing doors to correspond to each weekday. 90 00:03:35,365 --> 00:03:38,032 Now, let's go buy some doors and big hammers. 91 00:03:38,110 --> 00:03:39,960 ♪ Five front doors. ♪ 92 00:03:39,962 --> 00:03:42,554 Okay, we got our doors and big hammers. 93 00:03:42,631 --> 00:03:45,449 Now it's time for my favorite part of every job: 94 00:03:45,451 --> 00:03:46,967 the demo. 95 00:03:47,043 --> 00:03:49,061 Are you sure Lois said this is okay? 96 00:03:49,137 --> 00:03:50,637 Yeah, yeah, it's five front doors, Cleveland. 97 00:03:50,639 --> 00:03:52,956 It makes sense. All right, start on five: 98 00:03:52,958 --> 00:03:56,460 one, two, three, four, five! 99 00:03:56,462 --> 00:03:59,053 (grunting) 100 00:03:59,131 --> 00:04:01,222 What the hell are you doing, Peter?! 101 00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:02,983 Five front doors, Lois! 102 00:04:02,985 --> 00:04:05,819 Damn it! Did you stop taking your OCD meds? 103 00:04:05,895 --> 00:04:07,412 They don't make me feel creative. 104 00:04:07,489 --> 00:04:09,039 Five front doors! 105 00:04:12,736 --> 00:04:16,088 Are you gonna at least fix this huge hole in our wall? 106 00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:17,256 I mean, we're one step away 107 00:04:17,332 --> 00:04:19,407 from being a blue-tarp-on-the-house family, 108 00:04:19,409 --> 00:04:21,835 and that's always been my line in the sand. 109 00:04:21,837 --> 00:04:23,153 I'm gonna do what all husbands do 110 00:04:23,155 --> 00:04:24,321 when they screw something up: 111 00:04:24,323 --> 00:04:26,247 tuck my penis high between my butt 112 00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:28,341 and hire a professional to fix it for me. 113 00:04:28,418 --> 00:04:30,660 I can't wait to own a house. 114 00:04:30,662 --> 00:04:32,729 ♪ 115 00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:40,020 (barking) 116 00:04:40,096 --> 00:04:41,354 Hey! This is my house! 117 00:04:41,431 --> 00:04:43,264 I'm gonna jump forward but backwards 118 00:04:43,266 --> 00:04:44,858 to show you how serious I am! 119 00:04:44,934 --> 00:04:47,035 (growling) 120 00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,271 Oh, hi. 121 00:04:50,273 --> 00:04:52,866 If I knew my lap was gonna have visitors, 122 00:04:52,942 --> 00:04:54,960 I would have changed my rowing underwear. 123 00:04:55,037 --> 00:04:57,796 Rowing, huh? What are you, the cox? 124 00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:01,024 ♪ 125 00:05:01,026 --> 00:05:02,859 Aw, she's so cute. 126 00:05:02,861 --> 00:05:04,361 Can I keep her? 127 00:05:04,363 --> 00:05:06,287 Ah, I don't know. Can she set up a cutaway? 128 00:05:06,365 --> 00:05:07,121 (meows) 129 00:05:07,199 --> 00:05:08,974 Can I help you? 130 00:05:09,051 --> 00:05:10,958 (meows) 131 00:05:11,036 --> 00:05:13,395 And just like that, the Griffins have a cat. 132 00:05:20,470 --> 00:05:21,394 Morning, fam. 133 00:05:21,396 --> 00:05:24,823 What is that thing still doing here? 134 00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:26,808 That thing's name is Pouncey. 135 00:05:26,885 --> 00:05:28,142 And she's my cat now. 136 00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:29,386 What do you think, Pounce? 137 00:05:29,388 --> 00:05:31,145 Want to split a can of tuna? 138 00:05:31,223 --> 00:05:33,481 One can of toon, Ma. Keep the water. 139 00:05:33,559 --> 00:05:34,499 This suits her. 140 00:05:34,576 --> 00:05:36,242 But we're a dog family. 141 00:05:36,319 --> 00:05:37,911 You guys are okay with this? 142 00:05:37,987 --> 00:05:39,654 I stopped making decisions for this family 143 00:05:39,731 --> 00:05:41,915 when you bought that Roomba to replace me. 144 00:05:41,991 --> 00:05:43,249 (chiming) 145 00:05:43,326 --> 00:05:44,992 (robotic voice): Living room complete. 146 00:05:45,070 --> 00:05:46,327 Thank you, Roomba. 147 00:05:46,405 --> 00:05:48,347 You'll never be their mother! 148 00:05:48,423 --> 00:05:51,332 I-I just feel like I should have been consulted on this decision 149 00:05:51,410 --> 00:05:53,852 to bring my natural enemy into the house. 150 00:05:53,929 --> 00:05:55,187 They may seem like good pets, 151 00:05:55,263 --> 00:05:57,247 but they always have ulterior motives. 152 00:05:57,249 --> 00:05:59,340 Well, I think having a cat will be good for Meg. 153 00:05:59,418 --> 00:06:01,418 You'll get used to it, Brian. 154 00:06:01,420 --> 00:06:04,104 Just like I got used to Peter's extra pinky finger. 155 00:06:04,180 --> 00:06:07,090 To another 20 years of marital bliss. 156 00:06:07,092 --> 00:06:08,992 Cheers, my love. 157 00:06:11,597 --> 00:06:13,330 Oh... 158 00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,617 (sniffs) Ugh, that finger stinks. 159 00:06:17,694 --> 00:06:20,420 I'm still learning to wipe with it, my love. 160 00:06:23,458 --> 00:06:25,366 (doorbell rings) 161 00:06:25,444 --> 00:06:27,127 What day is it? Is it the Purge? 162 00:06:27,129 --> 00:06:28,795 That's not a real thing. 163 00:06:28,872 --> 00:06:31,056 All right, then you answer the door. 164 00:06:31,133 --> 00:06:32,516 Chris, answer the door. 165 00:06:34,043 --> 00:06:36,136 Hello, Christopher. May I come in? 166 00:06:36,212 --> 00:06:39,139 I don't know, I'm just "a dumb kid." 167 00:06:39,215 --> 00:06:42,067 Or at least that's what I'm told when I ask for fun things. 168 00:06:42,144 --> 00:06:43,551 I want a Zippo! 169 00:06:43,629 --> 00:06:44,886 You'll burn things. 170 00:06:44,963 --> 00:06:46,488 Yeah! I know! 171 00:06:48,467 --> 00:06:51,076 Cool, just put that on my puzzle. 172 00:06:51,153 --> 00:06:53,153 I never liked this string bean. 173 00:06:53,229 --> 00:06:54,971 What's going on, Quagmire? 174 00:06:54,973 --> 00:06:57,082 Before families can officially adopt a cat, 175 00:06:57,159 --> 00:06:59,400 someone needs to make sure the animal is being placed 176 00:06:59,478 --> 00:07:01,828 in a loving and safe environment. 177 00:07:01,905 --> 00:07:03,088 That someone is me. 178 00:07:03,165 --> 00:07:05,665 Is this necessary? You know us. 179 00:07:05,667 --> 00:07:08,075 Good people can still be bad cat owners, Lois. 180 00:07:08,153 --> 00:07:10,762 -Ever heard of Eric Hoernel? -No. 181 00:07:10,839 --> 00:07:12,989 Oh. Well, that-- that would have helped 182 00:07:12,991 --> 00:07:14,324 my point a little bit more. 183 00:07:14,326 --> 00:07:16,435 Before I begin, may I see the cat? 184 00:07:17,663 --> 00:07:19,253 Hi, you. 185 00:07:19,331 --> 00:07:21,940 Oh... such a sweetheart. 186 00:07:22,058 --> 00:07:27,020 Oh. You. Are. Why. I. Give. Up. My. Sundays. 187 00:07:27,096 --> 00:07:29,172 (clears throat) 188 00:07:29,174 --> 00:07:31,265 Okay. Now I'm gonna walk through the house 189 00:07:31,267 --> 00:07:33,118 and make sure everything's cat-friendly. 190 00:07:33,195 --> 00:07:35,287 Okay, this is a problem right here. 191 00:07:35,363 --> 00:07:37,605 Kind of in this whole area. 192 00:07:37,683 --> 00:07:40,183 Your front windows are west-facing. That's good. 193 00:07:40,185 --> 00:07:42,686 Will make for very cozy afternoon sun naps. 194 00:07:42,688 --> 00:07:45,371 Still getting a pretty bad vibe from over here. 195 00:07:45,373 --> 00:07:48,282 Lastly, catnip is a Class B narcotic. 196 00:07:48,284 --> 00:07:50,952 It is a drug. It is a drug. 197 00:07:51,029 --> 00:07:53,955 Yeah, we don't-- we don't keep any of that stuff around. 198 00:07:54,032 --> 00:07:56,032 Great. Adoption approved. 199 00:07:56,034 --> 00:07:58,143 (gasps) Did you hear that, Pouncey? 200 00:07:58,220 --> 00:07:59,811 You're officially mine. 201 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,387 Here are all your adoption papers. 202 00:08:01,389 --> 00:08:03,873 It has everything you need to know about owning a cat. 203 00:08:03,875 --> 00:08:06,226 Standard stuff like what to feed 'em, local vets, 204 00:08:06,228 --> 00:08:08,211 toxoplasmosis, blah, blah, blah. 205 00:08:08,213 --> 00:08:10,322 Wait, what's toxoplasmosis? 206 00:08:10,398 --> 00:08:12,899 Oh, it's nothing. Just a parasite found in cat feces. 207 00:08:12,976 --> 00:08:14,159 If it gets in your bloodstream, 208 00:08:14,236 --> 00:08:16,052 it can make people a little crazy. 209 00:08:16,054 --> 00:08:17,144 It's really nothing to worry about 210 00:08:17,222 --> 00:08:18,905 unless you're an owner like Eric Hoernel. 211 00:08:18,982 --> 00:08:20,832 Again, we don't know who he is. 212 00:08:20,909 --> 00:08:22,984 Oh, right. Well, he wasn't good. 213 00:08:23,061 --> 00:08:25,395 Anyway, congratulations. 214 00:08:25,397 --> 00:08:29,156 Aah! Who put up this tripwire?! 215 00:08:29,158 --> 00:08:31,901 Puzzling, isn't it? 216 00:08:31,903 --> 00:08:34,012 ♪ 217 00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:40,243 (indistinct chatter) 218 00:08:40,245 --> 00:08:43,263 Welcome, everybody, to this year's talent show. 219 00:08:43,265 --> 00:08:46,007 And to whomever wrote "hot balls" on my forehead 220 00:08:46,084 --> 00:08:48,059 while I napped in my car, I will find you. 221 00:08:48,136 --> 00:08:49,861 I will find you very soon. 222 00:08:49,938 --> 00:08:52,989 Our first performer today is Meg Griffin. 223 00:08:54,609 --> 00:08:55,925 ("Everybody, Everybody" by Black Box playing) 224 00:08:55,927 --> 00:08:57,160 ♪ Meow ♪ 225 00:09:00,023 --> 00:09:01,164 ♪ Meow ♪ 226 00:09:03,101 --> 00:09:05,335 -♪ Heh ♪ -♪ Meow... ♪ 227 00:09:07,939 --> 00:09:10,090 This is worse. 228 00:09:15,964 --> 00:09:17,964 Ah! Cat butt! 229 00:09:18,041 --> 00:09:20,784 What do I do? Where do I look? What do I do? 230 00:09:20,786 --> 00:09:22,060 Oh, thank God. 231 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,377 I almost looked right at it. 232 00:09:23,455 --> 00:09:25,379 Ah! I looked right at it! 233 00:09:25,381 --> 00:09:28,308 Oh, it looks like a worn-out dartboard bull's-eye! 234 00:09:28,384 --> 00:09:32,028 How was Michael Jackson so into this? 235 00:09:37,302 --> 00:09:39,302 All right, nobody's home. 236 00:09:39,304 --> 00:09:41,487 Time to go down to the... 237 00:09:41,564 --> 00:09:43,081 Oh, hello. 238 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,083 Look, I'm-I'm just trying to go downstairs, all right? 239 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,293 I don't want any trouble. 240 00:09:47,646 --> 00:09:49,379 Okay. Good talk. 241 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,334 (chuckles) Having a hard time getting a read 242 00:09:54,410 --> 00:09:56,511 on what you're gonna do here. 243 00:10:13,004 --> 00:10:14,187 (laughs) 244 00:10:14,263 --> 00:10:16,689 Oh, my God, I'm totally in your head. 245 00:10:16,766 --> 00:10:19,266 Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop the clock, you can talk? 246 00:10:19,268 --> 00:10:22,011 Uh, yeah. All cats can talk. 247 00:10:22,013 --> 00:10:23,863 We just choose not to respond. 248 00:10:23,940 --> 00:10:25,365 To anything. Ever. 249 00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:27,608 So, you choose to be dicks? 250 00:10:27,610 --> 00:10:28,960 Yeah. It's hilarious. 251 00:10:29,037 --> 00:10:30,854 Humans are masochists, man. 252 00:10:30,856 --> 00:10:32,797 You should see how many toys they've bought me. 253 00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,281 Haven't played with one. 254 00:10:34,283 --> 00:10:36,283 I just sit in the box. 255 00:10:36,361 --> 00:10:39,195 I knew you didn't really care about this family or Meg. 256 00:10:39,197 --> 00:10:40,697 -So? -So? 257 00:10:40,699 --> 00:10:42,289 Pets are supposed to care about their owners. 258 00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:45,218 Cats aren't pets. Humans are the pets. 259 00:10:45,294 --> 00:10:47,979 And I have big plans for Meg. 260 00:10:48,056 --> 00:10:50,206 Yeah? Not if I expose you first. 261 00:10:50,208 --> 00:10:54,560 It's so cute how you still think you're their favorite pet. 262 00:10:54,637 --> 00:10:57,063 You've been replaced, bub. 263 00:10:57,140 --> 00:10:58,973 I am still this family's dog, 264 00:10:59,050 --> 00:11:00,808 and I'm not gonna back down to some cat. 265 00:11:00,886 --> 00:11:05,221 "Fate whispers to the dog, 'You cannot withstand the storm.' 266 00:11:05,223 --> 00:11:07,891 -The dog replies, 'I am...'" Ow. -(screeches) 267 00:11:07,893 --> 00:11:10,818 -"The dog replies, 'I am the...'" Ow. -(screeches) 268 00:11:10,896 --> 00:11:12,337 -"'I am the...'" Ow. -(screeches) 269 00:11:12,414 --> 00:11:13,913 -"'I am the...'" Ow. -(screeches) 270 00:11:13,990 --> 00:11:15,322 "'I am the...'" Ow. 271 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,083 (laughing) 272 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:20,570 Well, I'd say this is a purr-fect way 273 00:11:20,572 --> 00:11:24,090 to spend a Friday night. 274 00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:26,242 Ooh, I'm gonna comment that. 275 00:11:26,244 --> 00:11:28,411 -(knocking on door) -MAN: Hello, it's Instacart. 276 00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:30,522 I have your $170 worth of ice cream. 277 00:11:30,598 --> 00:11:34,025 Promo code: lonely. 278 00:11:36,922 --> 00:11:38,345 Stewie, I got to talk to you. 279 00:11:38,423 --> 00:11:40,198 Sure, what's up? We were just reading. 280 00:11:40,275 --> 00:11:42,349 (gasps) Kitty cat. 281 00:11:42,427 --> 00:11:43,927 That's what I wanted to talk about. 282 00:11:43,929 --> 00:11:45,352 She's lying to everyone, Stewie. 283 00:11:45,430 --> 00:11:46,854 Did you know she can talk? 284 00:11:46,932 --> 00:11:48,114 Yeah. We were just discussing our book 285 00:11:48,191 --> 00:11:50,542 about Chinese communism with Chairman Mayo. 286 00:11:50,618 --> 00:11:53,436 -(meows): Mao. -You're right, you're right. Sorry, sorry. 287 00:11:53,438 --> 00:11:55,121 No, I mean she can really talk. 288 00:11:55,198 --> 00:11:57,790 She told me that she is using the family 289 00:11:57,867 --> 00:11:59,551 for some kind of cat plan. 290 00:11:59,627 --> 00:12:02,053 Brian, have you been watching flat Earth videos? 291 00:12:02,130 --> 00:12:03,722 Those always make you mistrustful. 292 00:12:03,798 --> 00:12:05,131 I'm serious, Stewie. 293 00:12:05,208 --> 00:12:07,116 And there are actually some flat Earth models 294 00:12:07,118 --> 00:12:08,451 that aren't completely idiotic. 295 00:12:08,453 --> 00:12:10,061 Look, I can't do this right now. 296 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:12,046 We're pretty into our book about Chairman Mayo. 297 00:12:12,123 --> 00:12:13,898 -(meows): Mao. -(chuckles): Sorry, sorry. 298 00:12:13,975 --> 00:12:16,526 Get out of here, Brian, you're messing me up. 299 00:12:19,314 --> 00:12:22,315 Meg, I need to talk to you about Pouncey. 300 00:12:22,391 --> 00:12:24,242 It is my duty as this family's dog 301 00:12:24,319 --> 00:12:26,152 to protect it when I sense danger. 302 00:12:26,229 --> 00:12:28,154 And I sense danger with Pouncey. 303 00:12:28,231 --> 00:12:30,156 Look, you may be our family dog, 304 00:12:30,233 --> 00:12:32,250 but you've never really been my dog. 305 00:12:32,327 --> 00:12:34,978 I'm a punching bag at school and at home. 306 00:12:34,980 --> 00:12:37,981 And there were some days where I could have really used a dog 307 00:12:37,983 --> 00:12:38,982 to help cheer me up. 308 00:12:38,984 --> 00:12:40,241 And where were you? 309 00:12:40,318 --> 00:12:42,502 Hanging out with Dad or-or Chris or Stewie 310 00:12:42,578 --> 00:12:44,837 for your little time travel adventures. 311 00:12:44,839 --> 00:12:46,155 You know about the time machine? 312 00:12:46,157 --> 00:12:47,915 Yeah, my room's right next door. 313 00:12:47,993 --> 00:12:49,917 That thing's loud as (bleep). 314 00:12:49,919 --> 00:12:50,935 I have a new pet now. 315 00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:53,438 One that's there for me when I need her. 316 00:12:53,515 --> 00:12:54,998 Unlike you. 317 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,849 Okay. I see. 318 00:12:56,926 --> 00:12:58,851 (microwave chimes) 319 00:12:58,853 --> 00:13:01,004 You have a microwave in your room? 320 00:13:01,006 --> 00:13:03,172 Yeah, I got tired of people groaning 321 00:13:03,174 --> 00:13:04,598 every time I went into the kitchen. 322 00:13:04,676 --> 00:13:07,860 Oh. You got, uh, Redenbacher's up in there? 323 00:13:07,862 --> 00:13:09,120 -Yeah. -Oh, word? 324 00:13:09,197 --> 00:13:11,364 Brian, stop trying to sound young. 325 00:13:11,366 --> 00:13:12,957 (chuckles) Okay, Booger. 326 00:13:13,034 --> 00:13:15,376 -(scoffs) Boomer. -Boomer. 327 00:13:19,949 --> 00:13:22,116 (purring) 328 00:13:22,193 --> 00:13:24,385 You make me so happy, Pouncey. 329 00:13:26,214 --> 00:13:30,199 This is gonna sound weird, but do you want to dance? 330 00:13:30,201 --> 00:13:33,144 ("Good Man in a Bad Time" by Ian Hunter playing) 331 00:13:39,544 --> 00:13:41,694 This is fun, right? 332 00:14:04,402 --> 00:14:07,262 Whoa, did this just get super hot? 333 00:14:14,913 --> 00:14:18,147 You're mine now, Meg. 334 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,842 Ow. 335 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,736 I like "ow." 336 00:14:24,847 --> 00:14:26,680 Hey. Whoa, weird. 337 00:14:26,758 --> 00:14:29,284 Sorry to interrupt. I'm just cleaning my cleats. 338 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:36,949 (gasps) Cats, kittens and cats. 339 00:14:37,026 --> 00:14:39,360 Cat lady. Lots of plastic bags. 340 00:14:39,437 --> 00:14:41,954 Tissues in-in my sleeves. Velcro sneakers. 341 00:14:42,031 --> 00:14:43,940 Funny dish towels. 342 00:14:43,942 --> 00:14:46,292 (gasps, panting) 343 00:14:46,294 --> 00:14:47,960 Good. 344 00:14:48,037 --> 00:14:51,264 Come, Meg. It's time to go. 345 00:14:55,803 --> 00:14:57,729 Say goodbye to Meg. 346 00:14:59,974 --> 00:15:02,317 -(door opens, closes) -Who's Ned? 347 00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,742 Knock-knock? Meg, you in there? 348 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:14,637 Look, I just wanted to apologize for the other day. 349 00:15:14,639 --> 00:15:16,331 Hello? 350 00:15:23,314 --> 00:15:25,423 What the hell does this say? 351 00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:43,757 -Oh, my God. -QUAGMIRE: She left, didn't she? 352 00:15:43,835 --> 00:15:47,261 -Quagmire? -I heard everything you were saying about Pouncey, Brian, 353 00:15:47,338 --> 00:15:49,172 and you were right to be concerned. 354 00:15:49,174 --> 00:15:51,616 I knew it. Wait, how did you hear everything I said? 355 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:55,194 I put a cat-cam in your house. It was a repurposed shower-cam. 356 00:15:55,271 --> 00:15:57,180 It's standard cat adoption procedure. 357 00:15:57,182 --> 00:15:59,123 -Is it? Really? -Yep. Yep. 358 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,533 -The agency knew about it? -Yep. 359 00:16:00,535 --> 00:16:02,276 -Because it seems weird that... -Let it go, you prude. 360 00:16:02,278 --> 00:16:03,944 We're losing valuable time. 361 00:16:04,022 --> 00:16:06,280 Sometimes cats do have ulterior motives. 362 00:16:06,282 --> 00:16:08,115 Sometimes, when they find the right person, 363 00:16:08,193 --> 00:16:09,783 they enslave them to do their bidding 364 00:16:09,861 --> 00:16:11,360 for the rest of their lives. 365 00:16:11,379 --> 00:16:14,806 Someone to take care of all the feral cats in a neighborhood. 366 00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:16,048 A crazy cat lady? 367 00:16:16,125 --> 00:16:17,883 -That's right. -How do they do that? 368 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,978 Their poop. Toxoplasmosis. 369 00:16:20,054 --> 00:16:21,962 It can make people act crazy. 370 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,148 It's a real thing discovered by this guy. 371 00:16:26,561 --> 00:16:28,302 Oh, dear God. 372 00:16:28,379 --> 00:16:30,062 So what you're saying is that everyone who likes cats 373 00:16:30,139 --> 00:16:31,397 only likes them because they literally 374 00:16:31,474 --> 00:16:33,140 have crap in their brain? 375 00:16:33,218 --> 00:16:34,993 -That's correct. -And people who like dogs 376 00:16:35,069 --> 00:16:37,144 just like 'em because they're chill as hell? 377 00:16:37,222 --> 00:16:39,998 -That's correct. -Wow, what a bulletproof fact. 378 00:16:40,074 --> 00:16:41,482 There's still time to save Meg. 379 00:16:41,559 --> 00:16:44,151 There's a big house on the loneliest block in Quahog. 380 00:16:44,153 --> 00:16:46,062 You can find her there. But go quick. 381 00:16:46,064 --> 00:16:49,156 Once she puts on the fuzzy sweater, it's too late. 382 00:16:49,234 --> 00:16:50,508 You're not gonna come with me? 383 00:16:50,585 --> 00:16:52,552 I can't. 384 00:16:53,921 --> 00:16:56,497 -(gasps) -They have me, too. 385 00:16:56,574 --> 00:16:59,100 (crying): Go, Brian, get out of here. 386 00:17:00,595 --> 00:17:03,521 ♪ 387 00:17:30,199 --> 00:17:32,216 I'll be right back. 388 00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:35,219 I'm gonna save our Meg. 389 00:17:35,296 --> 00:17:37,280 (door opens, closes) 390 00:17:37,282 --> 00:17:39,432 Who the hell is Ned? 391 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,395 (cats mewing) 392 00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,291 You're doing great, Meg. 393 00:17:48,293 --> 00:17:50,735 Yeah, I feel good. Like I belong here. 394 00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:54,072 -Will I get used to the...? -You'll get used to the smell, yes. 395 00:17:55,967 --> 00:17:58,968 Let her go. Ooh, oh, it stinks. 396 00:17:58,970 --> 00:18:00,319 It's too late, Brian. 397 00:18:00,396 --> 00:18:03,489 Years of ridicule and neglect have brought me here. 398 00:18:03,566 --> 00:18:05,808 This is my destiny. 399 00:18:05,810 --> 00:18:09,161 Yes, it is. She needs us and we need her. 400 00:18:09,238 --> 00:18:11,422 And I'm not gonna let you get in the way. 401 00:18:11,499 --> 00:18:12,924 (hisses) 402 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,134 -(cats yowling) -(Brian grunting) 403 00:18:23,010 --> 00:18:25,019 (coins clinking) 404 00:18:28,499 --> 00:18:30,274 (screeches) 405 00:18:31,352 --> 00:18:32,318 (grunts) 406 00:18:33,855 --> 00:18:36,364 (screeching) 407 00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:40,159 (shouts) 408 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:53,214 (screeches) 409 00:19:00,698 --> 00:19:03,432 (grunting) 410 00:19:21,068 --> 00:19:25,413 Now I'm gonna make you watch as you lose her forever. 411 00:19:30,895 --> 00:19:32,244 Midnight. 412 00:19:32,246 --> 00:19:34,154 Not a sound from the pavement. 413 00:19:34,232 --> 00:19:36,156 -What? -It's from Cats, you idiot. 414 00:19:36,234 --> 00:19:38,176 -Oh, word? -MEG: Brian. 415 00:19:38,252 --> 00:19:41,086 Meg, you have your whole life ahead of you. 416 00:19:41,163 --> 00:19:43,347 Cats are amazing. 417 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,257 But they're also complete dicks. 418 00:19:45,259 --> 00:19:47,593 And you're too young to give it all up for them. 419 00:19:47,711 --> 00:19:50,855 You have a family and a dog who care about you. 420 00:19:50,932 --> 00:19:53,357 I don't. I have nothing. 421 00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:56,736 I should be the cat lady. Give me the sweater. 422 00:20:01,850 --> 00:20:02,942 Quagmire, no. 423 00:20:03,018 --> 00:20:05,703 It's okay, Brian. I'm already gone. 424 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,932 (cats mewing) 425 00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:14,528 ♪ Look, a new day ♪ 426 00:20:14,605 --> 00:20:17,506 ♪ Has begun. ♪ 427 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,304 Looks like you were right about cats, Brian. 428 00:20:32,381 --> 00:20:34,548 I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. 429 00:20:34,550 --> 00:20:35,882 You're a good dog. 430 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,218 No, I haven't been a very good dog to you. 431 00:20:38,296 --> 00:20:40,145 But that's gonna change. 432 00:20:40,222 --> 00:20:44,283 Starting now, I'm gonna be the best darn dog I can be. 433 00:20:47,563 --> 00:20:49,305 Me and the peanut butter are heading up. 434 00:20:49,307 --> 00:20:50,990 See you in seven minutes. 435 00:20:51,066 --> 00:20:52,232 (sighs) 436 00:20:52,310 --> 00:20:54,401 Chunky's kind of a weird choice, yeah? 437 00:20:54,479 --> 00:20:57,162 -Yep. -Should I pause Hawaii Five-O? 438 00:20:57,239 --> 00:20:59,298 Nah, just watch it but don't delete it.