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00:00:02,706 --> 00:00:05,244
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,310 --> 00:00:08,316
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:11,991
♪ But where are those
good old‐fashioned values ♪
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00:00:12,057 --> 00:00:14,997
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪
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I'm glad you're finally getting
your hair cut, Peter.
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You were starting to look like
that Bongo from The Beatles.
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I am so excited
for you to meet Jerry.
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He's been cutting my hair
for decades.
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- I'm like family here.
- How do you do?
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Well, that's a fine
"how do you do."
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- I have a 12:00 with Jerry.
- Oh.
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Well, I'm sorry to tell you
this, Mr. Griffin,
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but your barber Jerry
has passed away.
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What? When?
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- Recently.
- Jerry.
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Oh, that's someone else.
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But I can assure you,
we have a wonderful team
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00:01:05,798 --> 00:01:08,704
of lesbians wearing all black
for you to choose from.
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No! I want Jerry.
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Come on, Peter,
it's just a haircut.
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Come on, get up.
You're embarrassing me.
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I'm not gonna. I hate you.
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Come on, Peter.
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You're acting worse
than the time Chris auditioned
30
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for Stanley Kubrick.
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Good day, Mr. Kubrick.
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My name is Chris Griffin.
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And the following
is a loose cutting
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from Air Bud: Golden Receiver.
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Show me in the rule book
where it says a dog
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can't play football.
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He ain't gonna walk again.
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Doc says he broke his back.
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You're gold
when you're a retriever.
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You're gold when
you're a retriever.
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00:02:09,425 --> 00:02:11,797
Peter, this is Jan.
Now you just sit there
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while she and I
conspiratorially discuss
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your haircut in front of you.
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(whispering indistinctly)
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(laughs)
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Okay, Peter, think.
You're a cartoon character.
47
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You can conjure up
anything in the world
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to get yourself out of this.
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So long, Lois and lady
I accidentally called "sir."
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The lines are speed.
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I didn't draw any food
or supplies.
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I drew that.
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Good morning, family.
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Peter, why are you
wearing that hat?
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You look like you're getting
ready to ride
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a moped in Thailand.
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♪
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Oh, God, how does it look wet
and dry at the same time?
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You look like if Shelley Duvall
ate Shelley Duvall.
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Peter, you have
to get a haircut.
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Lois, Jerry's dead.
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So I think I'm just gonna
be a long‐haired old guy
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from here on out.
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I'm, like, not mad at his hair.
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Sorry, but, like, I would.
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You would what?
67
00:03:33,594 --> 00:03:36,098
- And with who?
- Anything. With anybody.
68
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I don't give a horse's tomato.
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Okay, come on, guys,
it's just hair.
70
00:03:39,673 --> 00:03:41,142
I'm still the same old Peter.
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00:03:41,208 --> 00:03:43,681
Nothing's gonna change.
Oh, I'm late.
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The hair doesn't know yet
that he doesn't need
73
00:03:50,628 --> 00:03:52,732
a briefcase for work.
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00:03:56,005 --> 00:03:57,642
What are we doing here, Dad?
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00:03:57,709 --> 00:03:59,746
Well, now that I have long,
stringy hair,
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we're bidding on
an abandoned storage unit.
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Gentlemen, the auction
is about to begin.
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Are we all wearing
our cargo shorts?
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If so, please rattle
your trinkets and van keys.
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00:04:09,131 --> 00:04:10,701
(metal clinking)
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00:04:10,768 --> 00:04:13,439
Very good.
The first unit up for bids today
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00:04:13,507 --> 00:04:16,713
contains the band members
from Sugar Ray.
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00:04:16,780 --> 00:04:20,186
Every morning there are old guys
bidding for the value
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00:04:20,253 --> 00:04:22,491
of my bandmates'
four gross beds.
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Shut the door, baby,
don't say a word.
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They still got it. This, Chris.
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This is why we got up
at 5:00 a. m.
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and drove 90 miles to be here.
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Hey, Brian, you're just in time.
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The fat man's segment is on.
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♪
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PETER:
How would I describe it here?
93
00:04:49,078 --> 00:04:50,848
Well, we're just normal
long‐haired people
94
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who happen to share
a love of soup
95
00:04:52,819 --> 00:04:57,227
and, uh, also vigorous
den‐floor tongue dunking.
96
00:04:57,294 --> 00:04:59,766
- (slurping)
- Yeah, honestly the soups
97
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:02,170
are a much bigger part of it
than I was led to believe.
98
00:05:02,237 --> 00:05:03,807
Like, I‐I can't
stress that enough.
99
00:05:03,874 --> 00:05:06,479
I always have to pee wicked
during the other thing.
100
00:05:08,282 --> 00:05:10,286
There's a framed
grandparent photo
101
00:05:10,353 --> 00:05:12,725
watching all that activity
in the den.
102
00:05:12,792 --> 00:05:14,370
I don't know if this is
appropriate for Stewie.
103
00:05:14,394 --> 00:05:17,234
Sorry, I'm just so preoccupied
with Peter's hair.
104
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:18,737
Every time he comes in a room,
105
00:05:18,804 --> 00:05:21,108
he's accompanied
by the "Aqualung" guitar lick.
106
00:05:21,175 --> 00:05:23,112
("Aqualung" plays)
107
00:05:23,179 --> 00:05:25,083
I'll be out back.
108
00:05:25,150 --> 00:05:27,220
("Aqualung" plays)
109
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Forgot my keys.
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("Aqualung" plays)
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Wrong ones.
112
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- I'll go talk to him.
- Oh, thank you, Brian.
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He's probably out by the still.
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(insects chirping)
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00:05:42,450 --> 00:05:44,254
(Southern accent):
You from the QVA?
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What the hell?
Peter, it's me, Brian.
117
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Quahog Valley Authority
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- trying to flood me out of here.
- What is all this?
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00:05:50,701 --> 00:05:52,246
(regular accent):
It's where I make my liquor
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00:05:52,270 --> 00:05:54,241
free from
government interference.
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Here, try a swig.
122
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(coughing)
What's in this?
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I have no idea.
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I could really use
some government interference.
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00:06:01,656 --> 00:06:04,294
- Uh, it's actually not bad.
- (siren wailing)
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It's the police. Run!
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00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:07,802
(guns cock)
128
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:11,075
Well, don't worry.
I won't get far on foot.
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(slurring):
Hello? Anyone?
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00:06:15,016 --> 00:06:18,155
Man, I'm‐I'm starting
to think Peter didn't throw
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a tennis ball in this direction.
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00:06:20,193 --> 00:06:21,395
Crap.
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00:06:21,462 --> 00:06:24,836
I'm lost in the woods,
drunk on moonshine.
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00:06:24,902 --> 00:06:28,109
I guess the only thing to do
is watch Alex Jones videos
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00:06:28,175 --> 00:06:30,079
at full volume on my phone.
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00:06:30,146 --> 00:06:32,026
ALEX JONES:
My supplements don't
have lead in them.
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If your magnet bracelet
won't come off,
138
00:06:34,254 --> 00:06:35,991
it's probably something you did.
139
00:06:36,058 --> 00:06:38,362
But now let's get back
to the real news, my friends.
140
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There is a pedophile ring
at TCBY.
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00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:44,809
It does not stand for
"The Country's Best Yogurt,"
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it stands for
"Take Children. Boys? Yes."
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(groaning)
144
00:06:59,438 --> 00:07:01,308
- Good morning, buddy.
- It's morning?
145
00:07:01,375 --> 00:07:03,012
(bleep), you can talk?
146
00:07:03,079 --> 00:07:04,982
Uh, yeah.
147
00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:06,385
Oh, my God. I knew it.
148
00:07:06,452 --> 00:07:09,191
They told me I was crazy,
but I knew it. (exhales)
149
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I've said good morning to,
like, thousands of dogs.
150
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Is this the pound?
How did I get to the pound?
151
00:07:14,736 --> 00:07:16,438
Oh, my God, that's so awesome.
152
00:07:16,506 --> 00:07:19,010
Okay, you were brought to us
as a lost dog,
153
00:07:19,077 --> 00:07:21,883
but, good news: we scanned you
and found your microchip.
154
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- I didn't know I was chipped.
- Yep.
155
00:07:23,787 --> 00:07:25,657
So you can go back
to your owners,
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00:07:25,724 --> 00:07:28,162
the Hendersons
of Bristol County.
157
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What? Well, who are
these people?
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My family is the Griffins.
159
00:07:33,974 --> 00:07:35,844
Well, that's not
what your chip says.
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Man, no one's gonna
believe this.
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Wait, will you record my
outgoing message? Oh, hang on.
162
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No one will know you're a dog.
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00:07:43,192 --> 00:07:44,796
Oh. Can I record you on mute?
164
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Wait, then no one
will hear you can talk.
165
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Okay, we're gonna do
something together.
166
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I don't know what it is,
but we're gonna do something.
167
00:07:58,022 --> 00:08:00,426
You still researching
your other family?
168
00:08:00,493 --> 00:08:02,798
Yeah. Apparently,
they reported me missing
169
00:08:02,865 --> 00:08:04,100
right before Peter found me.
170
00:08:04,167 --> 00:08:05,938
I just think it's important
I understand
171
00:08:06,004 --> 00:08:09,912
who these people were, you know,
as an anthropologist might.
172
00:08:09,979 --> 00:08:13,152
This is a search for "Hendersons
net worth question mark."
173
00:08:13,219 --> 00:08:15,122
Ah, sorry, let me go back.
174
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That says "Hendersons feet."
175
00:08:17,327 --> 00:08:18,997
"Hendersons daughter."
176
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"Hendersons daughter age."
Yikes, Bri.
177
00:08:22,237 --> 00:08:23,874
"Hendersons naked." Whoa.
178
00:08:23,940 --> 00:08:25,878
"Florence Henderson naked."
179
00:08:25,944 --> 00:08:28,082
Her boobs look like her eyes.
180
00:08:28,148 --> 00:08:30,086
Anyway, I just thought
it might be helpful
181
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to reconnect with them.
182
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It's funny, but I‐I have
no memory of living with them.
183
00:08:34,094 --> 00:08:36,007
Yeah, sort of like Chris
doesn't remember we stole him
184
00:08:36,031 --> 00:08:38,570
- from a Dutch family.
- What's this now?
185
00:08:44,314 --> 00:08:46,351
Oh, Peter, you cut your hair.
186
00:08:46,418 --> 00:08:48,990
It actually got caught
in the garage door opener chain.
187
00:08:49,057 --> 00:08:51,194
Good news is,
we'll know exactly how far
188
00:08:51,261 --> 00:08:52,463
to pull in when we park.
189
00:08:52,531 --> 00:08:54,334
What about the tennis ball?
190
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:56,606
What tennis ball?
191
00:08:59,110 --> 00:09:01,983
Hey, cool out.
I‐I can be your assistant.
192
00:09:02,050 --> 00:09:04,187
We can both do it.
Checks and balances.
193
00:09:04,254 --> 00:09:05,924
(screaming)
194
00:09:20,554 --> 00:09:22,725
Okay, Brian, you can do this.
195
00:09:22,791 --> 00:09:24,260
The Griffins
are still your family.
196
00:09:24,327 --> 00:09:27,200
You're just curious
to learn about yourself.
197
00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:29,270
Yes. To learn about yourself.
198
00:09:29,337 --> 00:09:30,373
(doorbell rings)
199
00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:33,947
Oh, my God, it's you.
200
00:09:34,014 --> 00:09:36,218
- Is this really happening?
- Sure is.
201
00:09:38,022 --> 00:09:39,992
We thought we'd never
see you again.
202
00:09:40,059 --> 00:09:41,829
We made a grave for you
and everything.
203
00:09:41,896 --> 00:09:43,475
Want to see it?
Want to see your own grave?
204
00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:45,102
Um, uh, no, thanks.
205
00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:48,208
Good, 'cause we had to move it
to put in the trampoline anyway.
206
00:09:48,275 --> 00:09:49,679
Come in, come in.
207
00:09:51,916 --> 00:09:54,855
Wow, this place is incredible.
208
00:09:54,922 --> 00:09:57,193
These say "Henderson."
Did you write all these?
209
00:09:57,260 --> 00:10:00,834
Yep. I've written one more book
than James Patterson.
210
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:03,606
He writes one, I write one more.
That's sort of my thing.
211
00:10:03,673 --> 00:10:06,846
Oh, and it looks like you got
some of my favorites over here.
212
00:10:06,913 --> 00:10:09,150
1984. Chilling.
213
00:10:09,217 --> 00:10:11,121
- Could happen, right?
- Which part?
214
00:10:11,188 --> 00:10:14,327
Oh, just all of it.
You know, the‐‐ just, the year.
215
00:10:14,394 --> 00:10:17,835
Are you saying the year 1984
could happen?
216
00:10:17,901 --> 00:10:20,072
Ah, and Sense and Sensibility.
217
00:10:20,139 --> 00:10:23,378
Very similar words.
But there is a difference there.
218
00:10:23,445 --> 00:10:27,353
Well, I think Ms. Austen meant
"sense" as in the rational mind,
219
00:10:27,420 --> 00:10:30,660
and "sensibility" as in one's
preferences, or irrational mind,
220
00:10:30,727 --> 00:10:33,198
so it's kind of a winking
tug‐of‐war at work.
221
00:10:33,265 --> 00:10:35,136
(chuckles)
222
00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:38,475
Do you have Jaws here?
I‐I'd like to talk about Jaws.
223
00:10:38,543 --> 00:10:40,446
- By Peter Benchley?
- (chuckles)
224
00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:43,887
No. No, by Steven Spielberg.
225
00:10:47,260 --> 00:10:50,600
Well, that was
all pretty unexpected.
226
00:10:50,667 --> 00:10:53,071
The Hendersons were
actually amazing.
227
00:10:53,138 --> 00:10:55,510
I can totally see where I get
my literary chops from.
228
00:10:55,577 --> 00:10:57,180
Ah, uh, can't hear you...
229
00:10:57,246 --> 00:10:59,150
I mean, their kids are
at Harvard now.
230
00:10:59,217 --> 00:11:01,388
Yeah, I can't‐‐
I got my music going, so...
231
00:11:01,454 --> 00:11:03,067
Makes me think
I could have gone to Harvard
232
00:11:03,091 --> 00:11:05,162
- if I'd just stuck around.
- (sighs)
233
00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:08,468
Okay, fine. Not gonna make
Sinéad compete with you.
234
00:11:08,536 --> 00:11:10,005
Not gonna do that to her.
235
00:11:10,072 --> 00:11:12,076
I was just thinking,
you know, how different
236
00:11:12,143 --> 00:11:14,080
my life could be
if I'd actually grown up
237
00:11:14,147 --> 00:11:16,418
with the right kind of family.
238
00:11:17,688 --> 00:11:20,392
Yeah, Bri, I have
that thought sometimes, too.
239
00:11:20,459 --> 00:11:22,029
(slurping)
240
00:11:22,096 --> 00:11:24,602
- Oh, hey.
- Hey yourself.
241
00:11:24,668 --> 00:11:27,273
You, uh, working hard
or hardly working?
242
00:11:27,340 --> 00:11:28,643
Get up here and find out.
243
00:11:28,710 --> 00:11:30,045
Uh, Brian, I got to go.
244
00:11:30,112 --> 00:11:31,224
- But, Stewie...
- I got to go!
245
00:11:31,248 --> 00:11:33,553
Hey, you want to get
in the pool?
246
00:11:33,620 --> 00:11:37,093
Oh, I'd love to, but I had
active diarrhea three days ago.
247
00:11:37,159 --> 00:11:40,332
Oh, it's okay,
the lifeguard's totally cool.
248
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,205
(whistle blows)
249
00:11:43,272 --> 00:11:44,274
Hey, guys?
250
00:11:44,340 --> 00:11:45,342
Uh‐uh.
251
00:11:48,382 --> 00:11:50,553
Ah, the weekend scholars.
252
00:11:50,620 --> 00:11:52,791
You two tackling your studies?
253
00:11:52,858 --> 00:11:55,229
We're buying tickets
to Fyre Fest Two. You in?
254
00:11:55,296 --> 00:11:58,268
You do realize the first one was
a historic failure.
255
00:11:58,335 --> 00:12:00,707
Yeah, but this one's
on the moon.
256
00:12:00,774 --> 00:12:02,209
And Brittany Murphy's going!
257
00:12:02,276 --> 00:12:04,380
You guys are
clearly being conned.
258
00:12:04,447 --> 00:12:05,693
There isn't even water up there.
259
00:12:05,717 --> 00:12:08,288
Trust me,
there's a very dedicated man
260
00:12:08,355 --> 00:12:11,261
who will make sure
we get water, Brian.
261
00:12:16,071 --> 00:12:18,543
Hey, Chris, did you tell
everyone the big news?
262
00:12:18,609 --> 00:12:20,379
No, it's stupid.
263
00:12:20,446 --> 00:12:21,682
Go on, tell 'em!
264
00:12:21,749 --> 00:12:25,022
Well, I got into
Orange Julius school today.
265
00:12:25,089 --> 00:12:26,501
- That's wonderful, Chris!
- Congratulations!
266
00:12:26,525 --> 00:12:27,561
Unique.
267
00:12:27,627 --> 00:12:29,230
Tell 'em
what the guy said, Chris.
268
00:12:29,297 --> 00:12:32,571
He said I was lucky I was
the only one who applied.
269
00:12:32,637 --> 00:12:34,073
You're being too modest.
270
00:12:34,140 --> 00:12:35,977
He also said they only accept
271
00:12:36,044 --> 00:12:38,015
99% of applicants.
272
00:12:38,081 --> 00:12:40,219
Anyway, I've already been fired
for touching myself
273
00:12:40,285 --> 00:12:43,492
while the Hot Dog on a Stick
ladies made lemonade.
274
00:12:43,559 --> 00:12:44,728
That's terrible, Chris.
275
00:12:44,795 --> 00:12:47,133
Well, to be fair,
the hot dogs look
276
00:12:47,199 --> 00:12:49,203
like wieners
and lemonade looks like pee,
277
00:12:49,270 --> 00:12:51,609
so I was kind of doomed
from the get‐go.
278
00:12:51,675 --> 00:12:53,078
Okay, that's it!
279
00:12:53,145 --> 00:12:55,182
How are you all
actually this dumb?
280
00:12:55,249 --> 00:12:58,188
I can't even believe I've wasted
my intellect living here.
281
00:12:58,255 --> 00:12:59,658
What are you saying, Brian?
282
00:12:59,725 --> 00:13:01,227
I'm saying I'm moving back in
283
00:13:01,294 --> 00:13:03,165
with the Hendersons
where I belong.
284
00:13:03,231 --> 00:13:06,271
Okay, Brian, I guess
that's your choice.
285
00:13:06,337 --> 00:13:07,039
Yeah, fine. Go!
286
00:13:07,273 --> 00:13:09,043
And if you think
we're just going to sadly
287
00:13:09,110 --> 00:13:11,181
watch you walk away,
you're wrong, mister!
288
00:13:11,247 --> 00:13:13,318
Now get the hell out of here!
289
00:13:18,729 --> 00:13:20,767
♪ Every time you go ♪
290
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:22,470
♪ Away... ♪
291
00:13:22,537 --> 00:13:24,140
(music stops)
292
00:13:24,207 --> 00:13:27,279
♪ You take
a piece of me with... ♪
293
00:13:27,346 --> 00:13:30,285
CHRIS:
Hey, Stewie, was there
a men's department
294
00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:32,356
- in that record store?
- Shut up!
295
00:13:39,237 --> 00:13:41,775
Lois, there's a spider
in my golf bag.
296
00:13:41,842 --> 00:13:43,044
I need you to kill it.
297
00:13:43,111 --> 00:13:45,149
Peter, why is there
a huge pile of food
298
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:46,585
under the table by your chair?
299
00:13:46,652 --> 00:13:48,823
What? Oh, that's all
the gross food you made.
300
00:13:48,890 --> 00:13:51,127
- Don't worry, Brian will eat it.
- Brian's gone.
301
00:13:51,194 --> 00:13:53,633
He moved in with that
smarty‐pants Henderson family.
302
00:13:53,699 --> 00:13:56,337
Oh, that's right. Well,
then this is a perfect chance
303
00:13:56,404 --> 00:13:58,676
to do something I've been
wanting to do forever.
304
00:13:58,743 --> 00:14:00,547
Kids, family meeting!
305
00:14:01,447 --> 00:14:04,287
Now that there's no dog in
the house, we can finally throw
306
00:14:04,353 --> 00:14:06,625
gross things in the open
bathroom trash.
307
00:14:06,692 --> 00:14:10,165
I've got a bloody Kleenex from
when I blew my nose too hard!
308
00:14:10,232 --> 00:14:12,436
- Put it in there!
- How about bloody toilet paper
309
00:14:12,504 --> 00:14:14,040
from wiping too hard?
310
00:14:14,106 --> 00:14:16,244
Everything bloody
from everything too hard
311
00:14:16,311 --> 00:14:19,551
- goes in there.
- I'm not proud of this family.
312
00:14:22,389 --> 00:14:24,795
All right, well,
since Brian's not coming back,
313
00:14:24,861 --> 00:14:26,799
I, I guess you and I should try
314
00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:28,603
to develop
our own comedic patter.
315
00:14:28,669 --> 00:14:30,372
Guess so.
316
00:14:30,439 --> 00:14:33,278
Oh, hey, can I get some
of that pie and Cool "Hwip"?
317
00:14:33,345 --> 00:14:36,217
- What did you say?
- We can't have pie
without Cool "Hwip."
318
00:14:36,284 --> 00:14:38,388
That's not how you're supposed
to say it!
319
00:14:38,455 --> 00:14:39,390
You said it weird!
320
00:14:39,457 --> 00:14:42,363
Whoa, buddy.
It was‐‐ it was just a joke.
321
00:14:42,429 --> 00:14:44,133
Somehow this is at my expense,
I know it!
322
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,505
No, it's a goof...
323
00:14:46,572 --> 00:14:49,377
- It's my bit, bud.
- Oh, you like bits, huh?
324
00:14:49,443 --> 00:14:53,451
Well, this is my bit‐‐ want
to ride the Stewie‐Go‐Round?
325
00:14:53,519 --> 00:14:54,755
Aah! Make it stop!
326
00:14:54,821 --> 00:14:56,457
I can't!
327
00:14:56,525 --> 00:14:58,228
It's like an SNL bit!
328
00:14:58,295 --> 00:15:00,165
Too long with no ending!
329
00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:02,403
- ♪
- (cheering and applause)
330
00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:10,185
Welcome back
to the family, Brian.
331
00:15:10,252 --> 00:15:12,222
We're so happy to have you
for dinner.
332
00:15:12,289 --> 00:15:14,226
I think it was Oscar Wilde
who once said,
333
00:15:14,293 --> 00:15:16,765
"After good dinner,
one can forgive anybody,
334
00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,234
even one's own relations."
335
00:15:18,301 --> 00:15:21,909
And Oscar Wilde? Famous gaybo.
336
00:15:21,975 --> 00:15:24,180
Whoa, where do you think
you're going?
337
00:15:24,246 --> 00:15:26,518
Oh. I just assumed
that was my seat.
338
00:15:26,585 --> 00:15:29,791
Brian, we've never had
an unwiped dog anus
339
00:15:29,858 --> 00:15:31,361
on a chair cushion before.
340
00:15:31,427 --> 00:15:33,532
And we're not about
to change that now,
341
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,770
as happy as we are
you've returned to us.
342
00:15:35,837 --> 00:15:38,542
You eat down here.
343
00:15:38,609 --> 00:15:40,546
Ah. Dog bowl.
(chuckles)
344
00:15:40,613 --> 00:15:42,617
Classic.
345
00:15:54,674 --> 00:15:56,745
Ugh, this food looks gross.
346
00:15:56,812 --> 00:15:59,651
- It's very good for you.
- I don't believe you.
347
00:15:59,718 --> 00:16:00,920
Well, who would you believe?
348
00:16:00,987 --> 00:16:02,924
I don't know, Robert Loggia?
349
00:16:02,991 --> 00:16:05,696
♪
350
00:16:05,763 --> 00:16:07,166
Whoa, Robert Loggia!
351
00:16:07,232 --> 00:16:09,270
Mrs. Henderson is right.
352
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:12,376
Alpo dog food is nutritious
and delicious.
353
00:16:12,443 --> 00:16:14,981
- Thanks, Robert Loggia!
- No problem.
354
00:16:15,048 --> 00:16:17,286
Mind if I take a whiz
in your bathroom?
355
00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:18,989
But you took one
when you got here.
356
00:16:19,056 --> 00:16:20,860
Well, I have to take another.
357
00:16:20,927 --> 00:16:22,864
Stop counting my whizzes.
358
00:16:22,931 --> 00:16:25,368
♪
359
00:16:25,435 --> 00:16:26,972
You know, Brian,
we were wondering,
360
00:16:27,039 --> 00:16:28,609
what do you think
of the name Brian?
361
00:16:28,676 --> 00:16:30,823
- What do you mean?
- Well, we never had
the chance to name you,
362
00:16:30,847 --> 00:16:33,619
so we were thinking something
a bit more sophisticated.
363
00:16:33,686 --> 00:16:34,955
What if we call you Ishmael?
364
00:16:35,021 --> 00:16:36,324
Call me Ishmael?
365
00:16:36,390 --> 00:16:39,296
Ha. See, honey, I told
you he wasn't secretly
366
00:16:39,363 --> 00:16:40,967
a stupid alcoholic fraud.
367
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:42,469
We love the name.
368
00:16:42,537 --> 00:16:44,975
We heard a really wonderful
lecture on Moby Dick
369
00:16:45,041 --> 00:16:46,678
when we went to TED last summer.
370
00:16:46,745 --> 00:16:48,381
Oh, Ted? Ted's a classic!
371
00:16:48,448 --> 00:16:50,318
I didn't know you like TED, too?
372
00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:51,922
Well, Ted 2 was just okay.
373
00:16:51,989 --> 00:16:53,033
I mean, I‐I wanted to like it.
374
00:16:53,057 --> 00:16:54,561
You know, I came to buy.
375
00:16:54,628 --> 00:16:56,632
Really long courtroom scene,
really long.
376
00:16:56,698 --> 00:16:58,836
I don't think
we saw that TED Talk.
377
00:16:58,903 --> 00:17:02,644
Really? He says the opposite
of things you think he'd say!
378
00:17:02,710 --> 00:17:04,681
I mean, that's kinda...
379
00:17:04,748 --> 00:17:06,552
that's kinda the whole thing.
380
00:17:13,832 --> 00:17:15,736
Stop kicking me, Peter!
381
00:17:15,803 --> 00:17:17,306
Your toenails are so long.
382
00:17:17,372 --> 00:17:19,343
I feel like I'm sleeping
with Mo'Nique.
383
00:17:19,410 --> 00:17:21,648
I'm over here.
I found your vibrator,
384
00:17:21,715 --> 00:17:24,053
and I was holding
my thing up next to it.
385
00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:26,324
I thought they should meet
each other.
386
00:17:26,390 --> 00:17:28,862
Chris, what the hell
are you doing?!
387
00:17:28,929 --> 00:17:30,600
Dad told me to sleep in here.
388
00:17:30,666 --> 00:17:33,271
Sorry, Lois. I just missed
having Brian at the foot
389
00:17:33,338 --> 00:17:35,075
of the bed, so I,
I asked Chris to do it.
390
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:38,081
Peter, we had sex
20 minutes ago!
391
00:17:38,147 --> 00:17:41,253
Actually, it was 17 minutes ago.
392
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,728
Though neither of you finished,
so technically it's still going.
393
00:17:44,794 --> 00:17:47,065
Just‐‐ I‐I was very full.
394
00:17:47,132 --> 00:17:48,602
Just, just know that.
395
00:17:48,669 --> 00:17:51,007
Okay, that's it.
This is no way to live.
396
00:17:51,073 --> 00:17:52,275
We need Brian back.
397
00:17:52,342 --> 00:17:54,547
Ah, you're right. I miss him.
398
00:17:54,614 --> 00:17:57,486
I wonder what Brian would say
if he were here right now.
399
00:17:57,553 --> 00:17:59,691
Hey, Peter. I bet
you're secretly,
400
00:17:59,758 --> 00:18:01,962
like, the best
in the world at karate.
401
00:18:02,029 --> 00:18:04,768
Yeah. I am, buddy. Thanks.
402
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:08,241
And did I hear you just became
Jet Ski President of the World?
403
00:18:08,307 --> 00:18:09,811
Yeah, that's right.
404
00:18:09,878 --> 00:18:13,017
Man, I miss Brian. I got to
figure out how to get him back.
405
00:18:13,084 --> 00:18:14,804
And I hear you're really cool
at sleepovers.
406
00:18:14,854 --> 00:18:18,529
Well, I don't go to bed
if that's what you mean.
407
00:18:23,539 --> 00:18:25,543
(sighs)
408
00:18:28,749 --> 00:18:30,753
♪
409
00:18:38,936 --> 00:18:41,040
Hey, how come,
when I went missing,
410
00:18:41,107 --> 00:18:42,944
you guys didn't keep
looking for me?
411
00:18:43,010 --> 00:18:46,083
Well, we really like to leave
things up to God's will.
412
00:18:46,150 --> 00:18:47,319
Oh, boy.
413
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:49,891
Ha‐ha!
414
00:18:49,958 --> 00:18:51,327
Road House callback!
415
00:18:52,195 --> 00:18:53,498
Road House callback!
416
00:18:53,565 --> 00:18:56,036
I never saw Road House.
417
00:18:56,103 --> 00:18:57,103
It's about kicking!
418
00:18:57,139 --> 00:18:58,876
Hey, Brian. Nice place.
419
00:18:58,942 --> 00:19:01,748
They got one of them soda
fridges in the garage or what?
420
00:19:01,815 --> 00:19:03,819
- I‐I don't think so.
- Ah, that's wack.
421
00:19:03,886 --> 00:19:07,325
Hey, thanks for committing
a brutal crime for me, Peter.
422
00:19:07,392 --> 00:19:09,062
You didn't have to do that.
423
00:19:09,129 --> 00:19:11,500
The Hendersons treated me
like a pet.
424
00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:14,741
But you guys treat me
like family.
425
00:19:14,808 --> 00:19:15,808
And I miss that.
426
00:19:15,843 --> 00:19:18,582
Look, Brian, I know
we ain't as "fisticated"
427
00:19:18,649 --> 00:19:21,120
or "smort"
or "intolergant" as them,
428
00:19:21,187 --> 00:19:23,057
but you're still our cat,
you know?
429
00:19:23,124 --> 00:19:25,028
We want you to corn home.
430
00:19:25,094 --> 00:19:27,165
(toilet flushes)
431
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:29,938
That was just one whiz.
432
00:19:30,004 --> 00:19:32,342
For those of you counting.
433
00:19:35,148 --> 00:19:37,452
Well, it sure is great
to be back home.
434
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,024
I think I finally learned
that I would much rather
435
00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:42,128
be the smartest guy
in a dumb family
436
00:19:42,195 --> 00:19:43,899
than the dumbest guy
in a smart family.
437
00:19:43,966 --> 00:19:46,938
Uh, would we say you're
the smartest guy in our family?
438
00:19:47,005 --> 00:19:50,044
You, uh, you ever invent
a time machine, Brian?
439
00:19:50,111 --> 00:19:52,617
- Grow a brain, dick.
- (knocking)
440
00:19:54,019 --> 00:19:55,154
Hey, Joe. What's up?
441
00:19:55,221 --> 00:19:56,661
Peter, I'm afraid
you're under arrest
442
00:19:56,691 --> 00:19:57,903
for entering another man's home
443
00:19:57,927 --> 00:20:00,231
and kicking both he
and his wife in the head.
444
00:20:00,298 --> 00:20:02,135
But it was from a movie.
445
00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:03,070
Well, that doesn't make
a difference
446
00:20:03,137 --> 00:20:04,674
in the eyes of the law.
447
00:20:04,741 --> 00:20:06,477
But I said the name
of the movie!
448
00:20:06,544 --> 00:20:09,149
Peter, I'd move away
from that as a legal strategy.
449
00:20:09,216 --> 00:20:11,020
Eh, I'll take my chances.
450
00:20:13,291 --> 00:20:15,729
Has the jury reached a verdict?
451
00:20:15,796 --> 00:20:17,165
We have.
452
00:20:17,232 --> 00:20:18,502
Not guilty.
453
00:20:18,568 --> 00:20:21,106
Nobody puts Peter in a corner.
454
00:20:21,173 --> 00:20:22,510
Yay!
455
00:20:22,576 --> 00:20:23,912
I lucked out
with jury selection.
456
00:20:30,726 --> 00:20:34,099
I'm glad everything is back
to average.
457
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:35,869
Yes, it's happy to be back home.
458
00:20:35,936 --> 00:20:37,205
I, too, am gleeful.
459
00:20:37,272 --> 00:20:39,142
You are improper.
460
00:20:39,209 --> 00:20:40,813
Your hair is like hay.
461
00:20:40,879 --> 00:20:42,048
A horse would eat it.
462
00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:44,119
Go into the wood‐burning oven.
463
00:20:45,789 --> 00:20:46,825
(sighs)
464
00:20:46,891 --> 00:20:49,664
I miss our stolen son
in America.
465
00:20:49,731 --> 00:20:52,002
Do you think he remembers us?
466
00:20:52,068 --> 00:20:53,572
Wooden shoe?
467
00:20:53,638 --> 00:20:55,041
(audience laughing)
468
00:20:55,108 --> 00:20:57,613
ANNOUNCER: Familiemaan:
Dutch TV is probably
469
00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:59,884
not that great, we assume?