1 00:00:02,706 --> 00:00:05,244 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:05,310 --> 00:00:08,316 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:11,991 ♪ But where are those good old‐fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:12,057 --> 00:00:14,997 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:15,063 --> 00:00:18,403 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,470 --> 00:00:21,844 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,911 --> 00:00:23,313 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,380 --> 00:00:24,616 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,683 --> 00:00:30,528 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪ 10 00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:36,807 I'm glad you're finally getting your hair cut, Peter. 11 00:00:36,874 --> 00:00:40,113 You were starting to look like that Bongo from The Beatles. 12 00:00:40,180 --> 00:00:42,284 I am so excited for you to meet Jerry. 13 00:00:42,351 --> 00:00:44,021 He's been cutting my hair for decades. 14 00:00:44,088 --> 00:00:46,994 - I'm like family here. - How do you do? 15 00:00:47,061 --> 00:00:48,598 Well, that's a fine "how do you do." 16 00:00:48,664 --> 00:00:50,735 - I have a 12:00 with Jerry. - Oh. 17 00:00:50,802 --> 00:00:53,340 Well, I'm sorry to tell you this, Mr. Griffin, 18 00:00:53,406 --> 00:00:56,145 but your barber Jerry has passed away. 19 00:00:56,212 --> 00:00:58,951 What? When? 20 00:00:59,018 --> 00:01:01,022 - Recently. - Jerry. 21 00:01:01,089 --> 00:01:02,826 Oh, that's someone else. 22 00:01:02,892 --> 00:01:05,732 But I can assure you, we have a wonderful team 23 00:01:05,798 --> 00:01:08,704 of lesbians wearing all black for you to choose from. 24 00:01:08,771 --> 00:01:10,508 No! I want Jerry. 25 00:01:10,575 --> 00:01:13,514 Come on, Peter, it's just a haircut. 26 00:01:13,581 --> 00:01:16,119 Come on, get up. You're embarrassing me. 27 00:01:16,185 --> 00:01:18,524 I'm not gonna. I hate you. 28 00:01:18,591 --> 00:01:19,826 Come on, Peter. 29 00:01:19,893 --> 00:01:21,897 You're acting worse than the time Chris auditioned 30 00:01:21,964 --> 00:01:23,834 for Stanley Kubrick. 31 00:01:28,043 --> 00:01:30,047 Good day, Mr. Kubrick. 32 00:01:30,113 --> 00:01:33,053 My name is Chris Griffin. 33 00:01:33,119 --> 00:01:36,059 And the following is a loose cutting 34 00:01:36,125 --> 00:01:41,335 from Golden Receiver. 35 00:01:44,910 --> 00:01:48,784 Show me in the rule book where it says a dog 36 00:01:48,851 --> 00:01:50,922 can't play football. 37 00:01:50,988 --> 00:01:53,861 He ain't gonna walk again. 38 00:01:53,928 --> 00:01:58,002 Doc says he broke his back. 39 00:01:58,069 --> 00:02:00,440 You're gold when you're a retriever. 40 00:02:00,508 --> 00:02:05,618 You're gold when you're a retriever. 41 00:02:09,425 --> 00:02:11,797 Peter, this is Jan. Now you just sit there 42 00:02:11,864 --> 00:02:14,001 while she and I conspiratorially discuss 43 00:02:14,068 --> 00:02:15,772 your haircut in front of you. 44 00:02:18,944 --> 00:02:21,617 Okay, Peter, think. You're a cartoon character. 45 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,486 You can conjure up anything in the world 46 00:02:23,554 --> 00:02:25,357 to get yourself out of this. 47 00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:33,139 So long, Lois and lady I accidentally called "sir." 48 00:02:33,206 --> 00:02:35,778 The lines are speed. 49 00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:42,725 I didn't draw any food or supplies. 50 00:02:42,792 --> 00:02:44,796 I drew that. 51 00:02:47,836 --> 00:02:49,639 Good morning, family. 52 00:02:49,706 --> 00:02:51,209 Peter, why are you wearing that hat? 53 00:02:51,275 --> 00:02:52,788 You look like you're getting ready to ride 54 00:02:52,812 --> 00:02:54,215 a moped in Thailand. 55 00:03:13,888 --> 00:03:17,528 Oh, God, how does it look wet and dry at the same time? 56 00:03:17,595 --> 00:03:20,601 You look like if Shelley Duvall ate Shelley Duvall. 57 00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:22,739 Peter, you have to get a haircut. 58 00:03:22,805 --> 00:03:24,408 Lois, Jerry's dead. 59 00:03:24,475 --> 00:03:26,880 So I think I'm just gonna be a long‐haired old guy 60 00:03:26,947 --> 00:03:28,049 from here on out. 61 00:03:28,116 --> 00:03:30,020 I'm, like, not mad at his hair. 62 00:03:30,086 --> 00:03:32,057 Sorry, but, like, I would. 63 00:03:32,124 --> 00:03:33,527 You would what? 64 00:03:33,594 --> 00:03:36,098 - And with who? - Anything. With anybody. 65 00:03:36,165 --> 00:03:37,702 I don't give a horse's tomato. 66 00:03:37,769 --> 00:03:39,606 Okay, come on, guys, it's just hair. 67 00:03:39,673 --> 00:03:41,142 I'm still the same old Peter. 68 00:03:41,208 --> 00:03:43,681 Nothing's gonna change. Oh, I'm late. 69 00:03:48,624 --> 00:03:50,561 The hair doesn't know yet that he doesn't need 70 00:03:50,628 --> 00:03:52,732 a briefcase for work. 71 00:03:56,005 --> 00:03:57,642 What are we doing here, Dad? 72 00:03:57,709 --> 00:03:59,746 Well, now that I have long, stringy hair, 73 00:03:59,813 --> 00:04:02,150 we're bidding on an abandoned storage unit. 74 00:04:02,217 --> 00:04:04,455 Gentlemen, the auction is about to begin. 75 00:04:04,522 --> 00:04:06,560 Are we all wearing our cargo shorts? 76 00:04:06,626 --> 00:04:09,064 If so, please rattle your trinkets and van keys. 77 00:04:10,768 --> 00:04:13,439 Very good. The first unit up for bids today 78 00:04:13,507 --> 00:04:16,713 contains the band members from Sugar Ray. 79 00:04:16,780 --> 00:04:20,186 Every morning there are old guys bidding for the value 80 00:04:20,253 --> 00:04:22,491 of my bandmates' four gross beds. 81 00:04:22,558 --> 00:04:25,163 Shut the door, baby, don't say a word. 82 00:04:25,230 --> 00:04:27,835 They still got it. This, Chris. 83 00:04:27,902 --> 00:04:29,706 This is why we got up at 5:00 a. m. 84 00:04:29,773 --> 00:04:32,444 and drove 90 miles to be here. 85 00:04:39,291 --> 00:04:40,570 Hey, Brian, you're just in time. 86 00:04:40,594 --> 00:04:42,264 The fat man's segment is on. 87 00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:49,011 How would I describe it here? 88 00:04:49,078 --> 00:04:50,848 Well, we're just normal long‐haired people 89 00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:52,752 who happen to share a love of soup 90 00:04:52,819 --> 00:04:57,227 and, uh, also vigorous den‐floor tongue dunking. 91 00:04:57,294 --> 00:04:59,766 ‐ ‐Yeah, honestly the soups 92 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:02,170 are a much bigger part of it than I was led to believe. 93 00:05:02,237 --> 00:05:03,807 Like, I‐I can't stress that enough. 94 00:05:03,874 --> 00:05:06,479 I always have to pee wicked during the other thing. 95 00:05:08,282 --> 00:05:10,286 There's a framed grandparent photo 96 00:05:10,353 --> 00:05:12,725 watching all that activity in the den. 97 00:05:12,792 --> 00:05:14,370 I don't know if this is appropriate for Stewie. 98 00:05:14,394 --> 00:05:17,234 Sorry, I'm just so preoccupied with Peter's hair. 99 00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:18,737 Every time he comes in a room, 100 00:05:18,804 --> 00:05:21,108 he's accompanied by the "Aqualung" guitar lick. 101 00:05:23,179 --> 00:05:25,083 I'll be out back. 102 00:05:27,287 --> 00:05:29,024 Forgot my keys. 103 00:05:30,961 --> 00:05:32,063 Wrong ones. 104 00:05:32,130 --> 00:05:34,802 - I'll go talk to him. - Oh, thank you, Brian. 105 00:05:34,869 --> 00:05:37,240 He's probably out by the still. 106 00:05:42,450 --> 00:05:44,254 You from the QVA? 107 00:05:44,321 --> 00:05:46,325 What the hell? Peter, it's me, Brian. 108 00:05:46,392 --> 00:05:47,895 Quahog Valley Authority 109 00:05:47,962 --> 00:05:50,634 - trying to flood me out of here. - What is all this? 110 00:05:50,701 --> 00:05:52,204 It's where I make my liquor 111 00:05:52,270 --> 00:05:54,241 free from government interference. 112 00:05:54,308 --> 00:05:55,243 Here, try a swig. 113 00:05:55,310 --> 00:05:58,182 What's in this? 114 00:05:58,249 --> 00:05:59,249 I have no idea. 115 00:05:59,284 --> 00:06:01,590 I could really use some government interference. 116 00:06:01,656 --> 00:06:04,294 - Uh, it's actually not bad. - 117 00:06:04,361 --> 00:06:06,165 It's the police. Run! 118 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:11,075 Well, don't worry. I won't get far on foot. 119 00:06:12,612 --> 00:06:14,949 Hello? Anyone? 120 00:06:15,016 --> 00:06:18,155 Man, I'm‐I'm starting to think Peter didn't throw 121 00:06:18,222 --> 00:06:20,126 a tennis ball in this direction. 122 00:06:20,193 --> 00:06:21,395 Crap. 123 00:06:21,462 --> 00:06:24,836 I'm lost in the woods, drunk on moonshine. 124 00:06:24,902 --> 00:06:28,109 I guess the only thing to do is watch Alex Jones videos 125 00:06:28,175 --> 00:06:30,079 at full volume on my phone. 126 00:06:30,146 --> 00:06:31,983 My supplements don't have lead in them. 127 00:06:32,050 --> 00:06:34,187 If your magnet bracelet won't come off, 128 00:06:34,254 --> 00:06:35,991 it's probably something you did. 129 00:06:36,058 --> 00:06:38,362 But now let's get back to the real news, my friends. 130 00:06:38,429 --> 00:06:41,101 There is a pedophile ring at TCBY. 131 00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:44,809 It does not stand for "The Country's Best Yogurt," 132 00:06:44,876 --> 00:06:48,550 it stands for "Take Children. Boys? Yes." 133 00:06:59,438 --> 00:07:01,308 - Good morning, buddy. - It's morning? 134 00:07:01,375 --> 00:07:03,012 (bleep), you can talk? 135 00:07:03,079 --> 00:07:04,982 Uh, yeah. 136 00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:06,385 Oh, my God. I knew it. 137 00:07:06,452 --> 00:07:09,191 They told me I was crazy, but I knew it. 138 00:07:09,257 --> 00:07:11,930 I've said good morning to, like, thousands of dogs. 139 00:07:11,996 --> 00:07:14,669 Is this the pound? How did I get to the pound? 140 00:07:14,736 --> 00:07:16,438 Oh, my God, that's so awesome. 141 00:07:16,506 --> 00:07:19,010 Okay, you were brought to us as a lost dog, 142 00:07:19,077 --> 00:07:21,883 but, we scanned you and found your microchip. 143 00:07:21,950 --> 00:07:23,720 - I didn't know I was chipped. - Yep. 144 00:07:23,787 --> 00:07:25,657 So you can go back to your owners, 145 00:07:25,724 --> 00:07:28,162 the Hendersons of Bristol County. 146 00:07:29,999 --> 00:07:32,203 What? Well, who are these people? 147 00:07:32,270 --> 00:07:33,907 My family is the Griffins. 148 00:07:33,974 --> 00:07:35,844 Well, that's not what your chip says. 149 00:07:35,911 --> 00:07:38,215 Man, no one's gonna believe this. 150 00:07:38,282 --> 00:07:41,388 Wait, will you record my outgoing message? Oh, hang on. 151 00:07:41,455 --> 00:07:43,125 No one will know you're a dog. 152 00:07:43,192 --> 00:07:44,796 Oh. Can I record you on mute? 153 00:07:44,862 --> 00:07:46,933 Wait, then no one will hear you can talk. 154 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,145 Okay, we're gonna do something together. 155 00:07:48,169 --> 00:07:50,674 I don't know what it is, but we're gonna do something. 156 00:07:58,022 --> 00:08:00,426 You still researching your other family? 157 00:08:00,493 --> 00:08:02,798 Yeah. Apparently, they reported me missing 158 00:08:02,865 --> 00:08:04,100 right before Peter found me. 159 00:08:04,167 --> 00:08:05,938 I just think it's important I understand 160 00:08:06,004 --> 00:08:09,912 who these people were, you know, as an anthropologist might. 161 00:08:09,979 --> 00:08:13,152 This is a search for "Hendersons net worth question mark." 162 00:08:13,219 --> 00:08:15,122 Ah, sorry, let me go back. 163 00:08:15,189 --> 00:08:17,260 That says "Hendersons feet." 164 00:08:17,327 --> 00:08:18,997 "Hendersons daughter." 165 00:08:19,064 --> 00:08:22,170 "Hendersons daughter age." Yikes, Bri. 166 00:08:22,237 --> 00:08:23,874 "Hendersons naked." Whoa. 167 00:08:23,940 --> 00:08:25,878 "Florence Henderson naked." 168 00:08:25,944 --> 00:08:28,082 Her boobs look like her eyes. 169 00:08:28,148 --> 00:08:30,086 Anyway, I just thought it might be helpful 170 00:08:30,152 --> 00:08:31,221 to reconnect with them. 171 00:08:31,288 --> 00:08:34,027 It's funny, but I‐I have no memory of living with them. 172 00:08:34,094 --> 00:08:36,007 Yeah, sort of like Chris doesn't remember we stole him 173 00:08:36,031 --> 00:08:38,570 - from a Dutch family. - What's this now? 174 00:08:44,314 --> 00:08:46,351 Oh, Peter, you cut your hair. 175 00:08:46,418 --> 00:08:48,990 It actually got caught in the garage door opener chain. 176 00:08:49,057 --> 00:08:51,194 Good news is, we'll know exactly how far 177 00:08:51,261 --> 00:08:52,463 to pull in when we park. 178 00:08:52,531 --> 00:08:54,334 What about the tennis ball? 179 00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:56,606 What tennis ball? 180 00:08:59,110 --> 00:09:01,983 Hey, cool out. I‐I can be your assistant. 181 00:09:02,050 --> 00:09:04,187 We can both do it. Checks and balances. 182 00:09:20,554 --> 00:09:22,725 Okay, Brian, you can do this. 183 00:09:22,791 --> 00:09:24,260 The Griffins are still your family. 184 00:09:24,327 --> 00:09:27,200 You're just curious to learn about yourself. 185 00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:29,270 Yes. To learn about yourself. 186 00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:33,947 Oh, my God, it's you. 187 00:09:34,014 --> 00:09:36,218 - Is this really happening? - Sure is. 188 00:09:38,022 --> 00:09:39,992 We thought we'd never see you again. 189 00:09:40,059 --> 00:09:41,829 We made a grave for you and everything. 190 00:09:41,896 --> 00:09:43,475 Want to see it? Want to see your own grave? 191 00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:45,102 Um, uh, no, thanks. 192 00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:48,208 Good, 'cause we had to move it to put in the trampoline anyway. 193 00:09:48,275 --> 00:09:49,679 Come in, come in. 194 00:09:51,916 --> 00:09:54,855 Wow, this place is incredible. 195 00:09:54,922 --> 00:09:57,193 These say "Henderson." Did you write all these? 196 00:09:57,260 --> 00:10:00,834 Yep. I've written one more book than James Patterson. 197 00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:03,606 He writes one, I write one more. That's sort of my thing. 198 00:10:03,673 --> 00:10:06,846 Oh, and it looks like you got some of my favorites over here. 199 00:10:06,913 --> 00:10:09,150 1984. Chilling. 200 00:10:09,217 --> 00:10:11,121 - Could happen, right? - Which part? 201 00:10:11,188 --> 00:10:14,327 Oh, just all of it. You know, the‐‐ just, the year. 202 00:10:14,394 --> 00:10:17,835 Are you saying the year 1984 could happen? 203 00:10:17,901 --> 00:10:20,072 Ah, and Sense and Sensibility. 204 00:10:20,139 --> 00:10:23,378 Very similar words. But there is a difference there. 205 00:10:23,445 --> 00:10:27,353 Well, I think Ms. Austen meant "sense" as in the rational mind, 206 00:10:27,420 --> 00:10:30,660 and "sensibility" as in one's preferences, or irrational mind, 207 00:10:30,727 --> 00:10:33,198 so it's kind of a winking tug‐of‐war at work. 208 00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:38,475 Do you have Jaws here? I‐I'd like to talk about Jaws. 209 00:10:38,543 --> 00:10:40,446 - By Peter Benchley? - 210 00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:43,887 No. No, by Steven Spielberg. 211 00:10:47,260 --> 00:10:50,600 Well, that was all pretty unexpected. 212 00:10:50,667 --> 00:10:53,071 The Hendersons were actually amazing. 213 00:10:53,138 --> 00:10:55,510 I can totally see where I get my literary chops from. 214 00:10:55,577 --> 00:10:57,180 Ah, uh, can't hear you... 215 00:10:57,246 --> 00:10:59,150 I mean, their kids are at Harvard now. 216 00:10:59,217 --> 00:11:01,388 Yeah, I can't‐‐ I got my music going, so... 217 00:11:01,454 --> 00:11:03,067 Makes me think I could have gone to Harvard 218 00:11:03,091 --> 00:11:05,162 - if I'd just stuck around. - 219 00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:08,468 Okay, fine. Not gonna make Sinéad compete with you. 220 00:11:08,536 --> 00:11:10,005 Not gonna do that to her. 221 00:11:10,072 --> 00:11:12,076 I was just thinking, you know, how different 222 00:11:12,143 --> 00:11:14,080 my life could be if I'd actually grown up 223 00:11:14,147 --> 00:11:16,418 with the right kind of family. 224 00:11:17,688 --> 00:11:20,392 Yeah, Bri, I have that thought sometimes, too. 225 00:11:22,096 --> 00:11:24,602 - Oh, hey. - Hey yourself. 226 00:11:24,668 --> 00:11:27,273 You, uh, working hard or hardly working? 227 00:11:27,340 --> 00:11:28,643 Get up here and find out. 228 00:11:28,710 --> 00:11:30,045 Uh, Brian, I got to go. 229 00:11:30,112 --> 00:11:31,224 - But, Stewie... - I got to go! 230 00:11:31,248 --> 00:11:33,553 Hey, you want to get in the pool? 231 00:11:33,620 --> 00:11:37,093 Oh, I'd love to, but I had active diarrhea three days ago. 232 00:11:37,159 --> 00:11:40,332 Oh, it's okay, the lifeguard's totally cool. 233 00:11:43,272 --> 00:11:44,274 Hey, guys? 234 00:11:44,340 --> 00:11:45,342 Uh‐uh. 235 00:11:48,382 --> 00:11:50,553 Ah, the weekend scholars. 236 00:11:50,620 --> 00:11:52,791 You two tackling your studies? 237 00:11:52,858 --> 00:11:55,229 We're buying tickets to Fyre Fest Two. You in? 238 00:11:55,296 --> 00:11:58,268 You do realize the first one was a historic failure. 239 00:11:58,335 --> 00:12:00,707 Yeah, but this one's on the moon. 240 00:12:00,774 --> 00:12:02,209 And Brittany Murphy's going! 241 00:12:02,276 --> 00:12:04,380 You guys are clearly being conned. 242 00:12:04,447 --> 00:12:05,693 There isn't even water up there. 243 00:12:05,717 --> 00:12:08,288 Trust me, there's a very dedicated man 244 00:12:08,355 --> 00:12:11,261 who will make sure we get water, Brian. 245 00:12:16,071 --> 00:12:18,543 Hey, Chris, did you tell everyone the big news? 246 00:12:18,609 --> 00:12:20,379 No, it's stupid. 247 00:12:20,446 --> 00:12:21,682 Go on, tell 'em! 248 00:12:21,749 --> 00:12:25,022 Well, I got into Orange Julius school today. 249 00:12:25,089 --> 00:12:26,501 - That's wonderful, Chris! - Congratulations! 250 00:12:26,525 --> 00:12:27,561 Unique. 251 00:12:27,627 --> 00:12:29,230 Tell 'em what the guy said, Chris. 252 00:12:29,297 --> 00:12:32,571 He said I was lucky I was the only one who applied. 253 00:12:32,637 --> 00:12:34,073 You're being too modest. 254 00:12:34,140 --> 00:12:35,977 He also said they only accept 255 00:12:36,044 --> 00:12:38,015 99% of applicants. 256 00:12:38,081 --> 00:12:40,219 Anyway, I've already been fired for touching myself 257 00:12:40,285 --> 00:12:43,492 while the Hot Dog on a Stick ladies made lemonade. 258 00:12:43,559 --> 00:12:44,728 That's terrible, Chris. 259 00:12:44,795 --> 00:12:47,133 Well, to be fair, the hot dogs look 260 00:12:47,199 --> 00:12:49,203 like wieners and lemonade looks like pee, 261 00:12:49,270 --> 00:12:51,609 so I was kind of doomed from the get‐go. 262 00:12:51,675 --> 00:12:53,078 Okay, that's it! 263 00:12:53,145 --> 00:12:55,182 How are you all actually this dumb? 264 00:12:55,249 --> 00:12:58,188 I can't even believe I've wasted my intellect living here. 265 00:12:58,255 --> 00:12:59,658 What are you saying, Brian? 266 00:12:59,725 --> 00:13:01,227 I'm saying I'm moving back in 267 00:13:01,294 --> 00:13:03,165 with the Hendersons where I belong. 268 00:13:03,231 --> 00:13:06,271 Okay, Brian, I guess that's your choice. 269 00:13:06,337 --> 00:13:07,039 Yeah, fine. Go! 270 00:13:07,273 --> 00:13:09,043 And if you think we're just going to sadly 271 00:13:09,110 --> 00:13:11,181 watch you walk away, you're wrong, mister! 272 00:13:11,247 --> 00:13:13,318 Now get the hell out of here! 273 00:13:18,729 --> 00:13:20,767 ♪ Every time you go ♪ 274 00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:22,470 ♪ Away... ♪ 275 00:13:24,207 --> 00:13:27,279 ♪ You take a piece of me with... ♪ 276 00:13:27,346 --> 00:13:30,285 Hey, Stewie, was there a men's department 277 00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:32,356 - in that record store? - Shut up! 278 00:13:39,237 --> 00:13:41,775 Lois, there's a spider in my golf bag. 279 00:13:41,842 --> 00:13:43,044 I need you to kill it. 280 00:13:43,111 --> 00:13:45,149 Peter, why is there a huge pile of food 281 00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:46,585 under the table by your chair? 282 00:13:46,652 --> 00:13:48,823 What? Oh, that's all the gross food you made. 283 00:13:48,890 --> 00:13:51,127 - Don't worry, Brian will eat it. - Brian's gone. 284 00:13:51,194 --> 00:13:53,633 He moved in with that smarty‐pants Henderson family. 285 00:13:53,699 --> 00:13:56,337 Oh, that's right. Well, then this is a perfect chance 286 00:13:56,404 --> 00:13:58,676 to do something I've been wanting to do forever. 287 00:13:58,743 --> 00:14:00,547 Kids, family meeting! 288 00:14:01,447 --> 00:14:04,287 Now that there's no dog in the house, we can finally throw 289 00:14:04,353 --> 00:14:06,625 gross things in the open bathroom trash. 290 00:14:06,692 --> 00:14:10,165 I've got a bloody Kleenex from when I blew my nose too hard! 291 00:14:10,232 --> 00:14:12,436 - Put it in there! - How about bloody toilet paper 292 00:14:12,504 --> 00:14:14,040 from wiping too hard? 293 00:14:14,106 --> 00:14:16,244 Everything bloody from everything too hard 294 00:14:16,311 --> 00:14:19,551 - goes in there. - I'm not proud of this family. 295 00:14:22,389 --> 00:14:24,795 All right, well, since Brian's not coming back, 296 00:14:24,861 --> 00:14:26,799 I, I guess you and I should try 297 00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:28,603 to develop our own comedic patter. 298 00:14:28,669 --> 00:14:30,372 Guess so. 299 00:14:30,439 --> 00:14:33,278 Oh, hey, can I get some of that pie and Cool "Hwip"? 300 00:14:33,345 --> 00:14:36,217 - What did you say? - We can't have pie without Cool "Hwip." 301 00:14:36,284 --> 00:14:38,388 That's not how you're supposed to say it! 302 00:14:38,455 --> 00:14:39,390 You said it weird! 303 00:14:39,457 --> 00:14:42,363 Whoa, buddy. It was‐‐ it was just a joke. 304 00:14:42,429 --> 00:14:44,133 Somehow this is at my expense, I know it! 305 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,505 No, it's a goof... 306 00:14:46,572 --> 00:14:49,377 - It's my bit, bud. - Oh, you like bits, huh? 307 00:14:49,443 --> 00:14:53,451 Well, this is my bit‐‐ want to ride the Stewie‐Go‐Round? 308 00:14:53,519 --> 00:14:54,755 Aah! Make it stop! 309 00:14:54,821 --> 00:14:56,457 I can't! 310 00:14:56,525 --> 00:14:58,228 It's like an SNL bit! 311 00:14:58,295 --> 00:15:00,165 Too long with no ending! 312 00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:02,403 - ♪ - 313 00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:10,185 Welcome back to the family, Brian. 314 00:15:10,252 --> 00:15:12,222 We're so happy to have you for dinner. 315 00:15:12,289 --> 00:15:14,226 I think it was Oscar Wilde who once said, 316 00:15:14,293 --> 00:15:16,765 "After good dinner, one can forgive anybody, 317 00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,234 even one's own relations." 318 00:15:18,301 --> 00:15:21,909 And Oscar Wilde? Famous gaybo. 319 00:15:21,975 --> 00:15:24,180 Whoa, where do you think you're going? 320 00:15:24,246 --> 00:15:26,518 Oh. I just assumed that was my seat. 321 00:15:26,585 --> 00:15:29,791 Brian, we've never had an unwiped dog anus 322 00:15:29,858 --> 00:15:31,361 on a chair cushion before. 323 00:15:31,427 --> 00:15:33,532 And we're not about to change that now, 324 00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,770 as happy as we are you've returned to us. 325 00:15:35,837 --> 00:15:38,542 You eat down here. 326 00:15:38,609 --> 00:15:40,546 Ah. Dog bowl. 327 00:15:40,613 --> 00:15:42,617 Classic. 328 00:15:54,674 --> 00:15:56,745 Ugh, this food looks gross. 329 00:15:56,812 --> 00:15:59,651 - It's very good for you. - I don't believe you. 330 00:15:59,718 --> 00:16:00,920 Well, who would you believe? 331 00:16:00,987 --> 00:16:02,924 I don't know, Robert Loggia? 332 00:16:05,763 --> 00:16:07,166 Whoa, Robert Loggia! 333 00:16:07,232 --> 00:16:09,270 Mrs. Henderson is right. 334 00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:12,376 Alpo dog food is nutritious and delicious. 335 00:16:12,443 --> 00:16:14,981 - Thanks, Robert Loggia! - No problem. 336 00:16:15,048 --> 00:16:17,286 Mind if I take a whiz in your bathroom? 337 00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:18,989 But you took one when you got here. 338 00:16:19,056 --> 00:16:20,860 Well, I have to take another. 339 00:16:20,927 --> 00:16:22,864 Stop counting my whizzes. 340 00:16:25,435 --> 00:16:26,972 You know, Brian, we were wondering, 341 00:16:27,039 --> 00:16:28,609 what do you think of the name Brian? 342 00:16:28,676 --> 00:16:30,823 - What do you mean? - Well, we never had the chance to name you, 343 00:16:30,847 --> 00:16:33,619 so we were thinking something a bit more sophisticated. 344 00:16:33,686 --> 00:16:34,955 What if we call you Ishmael? 345 00:16:35,021 --> 00:16:36,324 Call me Ishmael? 346 00:16:36,390 --> 00:16:39,296 Ha. See, honey, I told you he wasn't secretly 347 00:16:39,363 --> 00:16:40,967 a stupid alcoholic fraud. 348 00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:42,469 We love the name. 349 00:16:42,537 --> 00:16:44,975 We heard a really wonderful lecture on Moby Dick 350 00:16:45,041 --> 00:16:46,678 when we went to TED last summer. 351 00:16:46,745 --> 00:16:48,381 Oh, Ted? Ted's a classic! 352 00:16:48,448 --> 00:16:50,318 I didn't know you like TED, too? 353 00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:51,922 Well, Ted 2 was just okay. 354 00:16:51,989 --> 00:16:53,033 I mean, I‐I wanted to like it. 355 00:16:53,057 --> 00:16:54,561 You know, I came to buy. 356 00:16:54,628 --> 00:16:56,632 Really long courtroom scene, really long. 357 00:16:56,698 --> 00:16:58,836 I don't think we saw that TED Talk. 358 00:16:58,903 --> 00:17:02,644 Really? He says the opposite of things you think he'd say! 359 00:17:02,710 --> 00:17:04,681 I mean, that's kinda... 360 00:17:04,748 --> 00:17:06,552 that's kinda the whole thing. 361 00:17:13,832 --> 00:17:15,736 Stop kicking me, Peter! 362 00:17:15,803 --> 00:17:17,306 Your toenails are so long. 363 00:17:17,372 --> 00:17:19,343 I feel like I'm sleeping with Mo'Nique. 364 00:17:19,410 --> 00:17:21,648 I'm over here. I found your vibrator, 365 00:17:21,715 --> 00:17:24,053 and I was holding my thing up next to it. 366 00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:26,324 I thought they should meet each other. 367 00:17:26,390 --> 00:17:28,862 Chris, what the hell are you doing?! 368 00:17:28,929 --> 00:17:30,600 Dad told me to sleep in here. 369 00:17:30,666 --> 00:17:33,271 Sorry, Lois. I just missed having Brian at the foot 370 00:17:33,338 --> 00:17:35,075 of the bed, so I, I asked Chris to do it. 371 00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:38,081 Peter, we had sex 20 minutes ago! 372 00:17:38,147 --> 00:17:41,253 Actually, it was 17 minutes ago. 373 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,728 Though neither of you finished, so technically it's still going. 374 00:17:44,794 --> 00:17:47,065 Just‐‐ I‐I was very full. 375 00:17:47,132 --> 00:17:48,602 Just, just know that. 376 00:17:48,669 --> 00:17:51,007 Okay, that's it. This is no way to live. 377 00:17:51,073 --> 00:17:52,275 We need Brian back. 378 00:17:52,342 --> 00:17:54,547 Ah, you're right. I miss him. 379 00:17:54,614 --> 00:17:57,486 I wonder what Brian would say if he were here right now. 380 00:17:57,553 --> 00:17:59,691 Hey, Peter. I bet you're secretly, 381 00:17:59,758 --> 00:18:01,962 like, the best in the world at karate. 382 00:18:02,029 --> 00:18:04,768 Yeah. I am, buddy. Thanks. 383 00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:08,241 And did I hear you just became Jet Ski President of the World? 384 00:18:08,307 --> 00:18:09,811 Yeah, that's right. 385 00:18:09,878 --> 00:18:13,017 Man, I miss Brian. I got to figure out how to get him back. 386 00:18:13,084 --> 00:18:14,804 And I hear you're really cool at sleepovers. 387 00:18:14,854 --> 00:18:18,529 Well, I don't go to bed if that's what you mean. 388 00:18:38,936 --> 00:18:41,040 Hey, how come, when I went missing, 389 00:18:41,107 --> 00:18:42,944 you guys didn't keep looking for me? 390 00:18:43,010 --> 00:18:46,083 Well, we really like to leave things up to God's will. 391 00:18:46,150 --> 00:18:47,319 Oh, boy. 392 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:49,891 Ha‐ha! 393 00:18:49,958 --> 00:18:51,327 Road House callback! 394 00:18:52,195 --> 00:18:53,498 Road House callback! 395 00:18:53,565 --> 00:18:56,036 I never saw Road House. 396 00:18:56,103 --> 00:18:57,103 It's about kicking! 397 00:18:57,139 --> 00:18:58,876 Hey, Brian. Nice place. 398 00:18:58,942 --> 00:19:01,748 They got one of them soda fridges in the garage or what? 399 00:19:01,815 --> 00:19:03,819 - I‐I don't think so. - Ah, that's wack. 400 00:19:03,886 --> 00:19:07,325 Hey, thanks for committing a brutal crime for me, Peter. 401 00:19:07,392 --> 00:19:09,062 You didn't have to do that. 402 00:19:09,129 --> 00:19:11,500 The Hendersons treated me like a pet. 403 00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:14,741 But you guys treat me like family. 404 00:19:14,808 --> 00:19:15,808 And I miss that. 405 00:19:15,843 --> 00:19:18,582 Look, Brian, I know we ain't as "fisticated" 406 00:19:18,649 --> 00:19:21,120 or "smort" or "intolergant" as them, 407 00:19:21,187 --> 00:19:23,057 but you're still our cat, you know? 408 00:19:23,124 --> 00:19:25,028 We want you to corn home. 409 00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:29,938 That was just one whiz. 410 00:19:30,004 --> 00:19:32,342 For those of you counting. 411 00:19:35,148 --> 00:19:37,452 Well, it sure is great to be back home. 412 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,024 I think I finally learned that I would much rather 413 00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:42,128 be the smartest guy in a dumb family 414 00:19:42,195 --> 00:19:43,899 than the dumbest guy in a smart family. 415 00:19:43,966 --> 00:19:46,938 Uh, would we say you're the smartest guy in our family? 416 00:19:47,005 --> 00:19:50,044 You, uh, you ever invent a time machine, Brian? 417 00:19:50,111 --> 00:19:52,617 - Grow a brain, dick. - 418 00:19:54,019 --> 00:19:55,154 Hey, Joe. What's up? 419 00:19:55,221 --> 00:19:56,661 Peter, I'm afraid you're under arrest 420 00:19:56,691 --> 00:19:57,903 for entering another man's home 421 00:19:57,927 --> 00:20:00,231 and kicking both he and his wife in the head. 422 00:20:00,298 --> 00:20:02,135 But it was from a movie. 423 00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:03,070 Well, that doesn't make a difference 424 00:20:03,137 --> 00:20:04,674 in the eyes of the law. 425 00:20:04,741 --> 00:20:06,477 But I said the name of the movie! 426 00:20:06,544 --> 00:20:09,149 Peter, I'd move away from that as a legal strategy. 427 00:20:09,216 --> 00:20:11,020 Eh, I'll take my chances. 428 00:20:13,291 --> 00:20:15,729 Has the jury reached a verdict? 429 00:20:15,796 --> 00:20:17,165 We have. 430 00:20:17,232 --> 00:20:18,502 Not guilty. 431 00:20:18,568 --> 00:20:21,106 Nobody puts Peter in a corner. 432 00:20:21,173 --> 00:20:22,510 Yay! 433 00:20:22,576 --> 00:20:23,912 I lucked out with jury selection. 434 00:20:30,726 --> 00:20:34,099 I'm glad everything is back to average. 435 00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:35,869 Yes, it's happy to be back home. 436 00:20:35,936 --> 00:20:37,205 I, too, am gleeful. 437 00:20:37,272 --> 00:20:39,142 You are improper. 438 00:20:39,209 --> 00:20:40,813 Your hair is like hay. 439 00:20:40,879 --> 00:20:42,048 A horse would eat it. 440 00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:44,119 Go into the wood‐burning oven. 441 00:20:46,891 --> 00:20:49,664 I miss our stolen son in America. 442 00:20:49,731 --> 00:20:52,002 Do you think he remembers us? 443 00:20:52,068 --> 00:20:53,572 Wooden shoe? 444 00:20:55,108 --> 00:20:57,613 Dutch TV is probably 445 00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:59,884 not that great, we assume?