1 00:00:02,728 --> 00:00:05,395 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:05,397 --> 00:00:08,323 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,918 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,995 --> 00:00:14,921 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,998 --> 00:00:18,408 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,410 --> 00:00:21,762 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,838 --> 00:00:23,188 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,265 --> 00:00:24,581 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,583 --> 00:00:30,362 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪ 10 00:00:34,017 --> 00:00:36,760 I'm glad you're finally getting your hair cut, Peter. 11 00:00:36,762 --> 00:00:40,021 You were starting to look like that Bongo from The Beatles. 12 00:00:40,099 --> 00:00:42,266 I am so excited for you to meet Jerry. 13 00:00:42,268 --> 00:00:43,876 He's been cutting my hair for decades. 14 00:00:43,952 --> 00:00:46,937 -I'm like family here. -How do you do? 15 00:00:46,939 --> 00:00:48,455 Well, that's a fine "how do you do." 16 00:00:48,532 --> 00:00:50,624 -I have a 12:00 with Jerry. -Oh. 17 00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:53,201 Well, I'm sorry to tell you this, Mr. Griffin, 18 00:00:53,279 --> 00:00:56,037 but your barber Jerry has passed away. 19 00:00:56,115 --> 00:00:58,799 What? When? 20 00:00:58,875 --> 00:01:00,893 -Recently. -Jerry. 21 00:01:00,969 --> 00:01:02,786 Oh, that's someone else. 22 00:01:02,788 --> 00:01:05,672 But I can assure you, we have a wonderful team 23 00:01:05,749 --> 00:01:08,567 of lesbians wearing all black for you to choose from. 24 00:01:08,644 --> 00:01:10,569 No! I want Jerry. 25 00:01:10,646 --> 00:01:13,463 Come on, Peter, it's just a haircut. 26 00:01:13,465 --> 00:01:15,982 Come on, get up. You're embarrassing me. 27 00:01:16,059 --> 00:01:18,318 I'm not gonna. I hate you. 28 00:01:18,395 --> 00:01:19,727 Come on, Peter. 29 00:01:19,805 --> 00:01:21,747 You're acting worse than the time Chris auditioned 30 00:01:21,824 --> 00:01:23,665 for Stanley Kubrick. 31 00:01:27,904 --> 00:01:29,980 Good day, Mr. Kubrick. 32 00:01:29,982 --> 00:01:32,925 My name is Chris Griffin. 33 00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:35,986 And the following is a loose cutting 34 00:01:35,988 --> 00:01:41,100 from Air Bud: Golden Receiver. 35 00:01:44,754 --> 00:01:48,665 Show me in the rule book where it says a dog 36 00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:50,867 can't play football. 37 00:01:50,869 --> 00:01:53,687 He ain't gonna walk again. 38 00:01:53,763 --> 00:01:57,783 Doc says he broke his back. 39 00:01:57,860 --> 00:02:00,268 You're gold when you're a retriever. 40 00:02:00,346 --> 00:02:05,415 You're gold when you're a retriever. 41 00:02:09,279 --> 00:02:11,779 Peter, this is Jan. Now you just sit there 42 00:02:11,857 --> 00:02:13,799 while she and I conspiratorially discuss 43 00:02:13,876 --> 00:02:15,634 your haircut in front of you. 44 00:02:15,711 --> 00:02:17,377 (whispering indistinctly) 45 00:02:17,454 --> 00:02:18,712 (laughs) 46 00:02:18,788 --> 00:02:21,456 Okay, Peter, think. You're a cartoon character. 47 00:02:21,533 --> 00:02:23,367 You can conjure up anything in the world 48 00:02:23,369 --> 00:02:25,102 to get yourself out of this. 49 00:02:28,798 --> 00:02:32,967 So long, Lois and lady I accidentally called "sir." 50 00:02:33,045 --> 00:02:35,529 The lines are speed. 51 00:02:38,901 --> 00:02:42,494 I didn't draw any food or supplies. 52 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,496 I drew that. 53 00:02:47,576 --> 00:02:49,409 Good morning, family. 54 00:02:49,486 --> 00:02:50,985 Peter, why are you wearing that hat? 55 00:02:51,063 --> 00:02:52,654 You look like you're getting ready to ride 56 00:02:52,731 --> 00:02:53,988 a moped in Thailand. 57 00:02:54,066 --> 00:02:56,341 ♪ 58 00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:17,437 Oh, God, how does it look wet and dry at the same time? 59 00:03:17,514 --> 00:03:20,424 You look like if Shelley Duvall ate Shelley Duvall. 60 00:03:20,426 --> 00:03:22,517 Peter, you have to get a haircut. 61 00:03:22,594 --> 00:03:24,261 Lois, Jerry's dead. 62 00:03:24,263 --> 00:03:26,688 So I think I'm just gonna be a long-haired old guy 63 00:03:26,765 --> 00:03:27,855 from here on out. 64 00:03:27,933 --> 00:03:29,857 I'm, like, not mad at his hair. 65 00:03:29,859 --> 00:03:31,785 Sorry, but, like, I would. 66 00:03:31,861 --> 00:03:33,361 You would what? 67 00:03:33,439 --> 00:03:35,863 -And with who? -Anything. With anybody. 68 00:03:35,941 --> 00:03:37,532 I don't give a horse's tomato. 69 00:03:37,609 --> 00:03:39,367 Okay, come on, guys, it's just hair. 70 00:03:39,445 --> 00:03:40,944 I'm still the same old Peter. 71 00:03:40,946 --> 00:03:43,347 Nothing's gonna change. Oh, I'm late. 72 00:03:48,303 --> 00:03:50,229 The hair doesn't know yet that he doesn't need 73 00:03:50,305 --> 00:03:52,397 a briefcase for work. 74 00:03:55,719 --> 00:03:57,385 What are we doing here, Dad? 75 00:03:57,463 --> 00:03:59,404 Well, now that I have long, stringy hair, 76 00:03:59,481 --> 00:04:01,982 we're bidding on an abandoned storage unit. 77 00:04:02,058 --> 00:04:04,225 Gentlemen, the auction is about to begin. 78 00:04:04,303 --> 00:04:06,411 Are we all wearing our cargo shorts? 79 00:04:06,488 --> 00:04:08,822 If so, please rattle your trinkets and van keys. 80 00:04:08,898 --> 00:04:10,582 (metal clinking) 81 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,234 Very good. The first unit up for bids today 82 00:04:13,236 --> 00:04:16,496 contains the band members from Sugar Ray. 83 00:04:16,498 --> 00:04:19,983 Every morning there are old guys bidding for the value 84 00:04:19,985 --> 00:04:22,243 of my bandmates' four gross beds. 85 00:04:22,321 --> 00:04:24,912 Shut the door, baby, don't say a word. 86 00:04:24,990 --> 00:04:27,582 They still got it. This, Chris. 87 00:04:27,659 --> 00:04:29,417 This is why we got up at 5:00 a.m. 88 00:04:29,495 --> 00:04:32,062 and drove 90 miles to be here. 89 00:04:39,021 --> 00:04:40,186 Hey, Brian, you're just in time. 90 00:04:40,263 --> 00:04:42,005 The fat man's segment is on. 91 00:04:42,007 --> 00:04:44,157 ♪ 92 00:04:47,103 --> 00:04:48,620 PETER: How would I describe it here? 93 00:04:48,697 --> 00:04:50,455 Well, we're just normal long-haired people 94 00:04:50,532 --> 00:04:52,440 who happen to share a love of soup 95 00:04:52,518 --> 00:04:56,870 and, uh, also vigorous den-floor tongue dunking. 96 00:04:56,946 --> 00:04:59,464 -(slurping) -Yeah, honestly the soups 97 00:04:59,541 --> 00:05:01,875 are a much bigger part of it than I was led to believe. 98 00:05:01,951 --> 00:05:03,618 Like, I-I can't stress that enough. 99 00:05:03,695 --> 00:05:06,096 I always have to pee wicked during the other thing. 100 00:05:08,124 --> 00:05:10,033 There's a framed grandparent photo 101 00:05:10,035 --> 00:05:12,552 watching all that activity in the den. 102 00:05:12,629 --> 00:05:13,979 I don't know if this is appropriate for Stewie. 103 00:05:14,056 --> 00:05:16,890 Sorry, I'm just so preoccupied with Peter's hair. 104 00:05:16,966 --> 00:05:18,391 Every time he comes in a room, 105 00:05:18,468 --> 00:05:20,802 he's accompanied by the "Aqualung" guitar lick. 106 00:05:20,879 --> 00:05:22,804 ("Aqualung" plays) 107 00:05:22,881 --> 00:05:24,731 I'll be out back. 108 00:05:24,808 --> 00:05:26,825 ("Aqualung" plays) 109 00:05:26,902 --> 00:05:28,718 Forgot my keys. 110 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,478 ("Aqualung" plays) 111 00:05:30,556 --> 00:05:31,663 Wrong ones. 112 00:05:31,740 --> 00:05:34,482 -I'll go talk to him. -Oh, thank you, Brian. 113 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,835 He's probably out by the still. 114 00:05:36,912 --> 00:05:39,129 (insects chirping) 115 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,842 (Southern accent): You from the QVA? 116 00:05:43,919 --> 00:05:45,919 What the hell? Peter, it's me, Brian. 117 00:05:45,995 --> 00:05:47,571 Quahog Valley Authority 118 00:05:47,573 --> 00:05:50,256 -trying to flood me out of here. -What is all this? 119 00:05:50,333 --> 00:05:51,833 (regular accent): It's where I make my liquor 120 00:05:51,910 --> 00:05:53,910 free from government interference. 121 00:05:53,912 --> 00:05:54,911 Here, try a swig. 122 00:05:54,913 --> 00:05:57,522 (coughing) What's in this? 123 00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:58,840 I have no idea. 124 00:05:58,917 --> 00:06:01,434 I could really use some government interference. 125 00:06:01,511 --> 00:06:03,937 -Uh, it's actually not bad. -(siren wailing) 126 00:06:04,013 --> 00:06:05,847 It's the police. Run! 127 00:06:05,924 --> 00:06:07,515 (guns cock) 128 00:06:07,517 --> 00:06:10,660 Well, don't worry. I won't get far on foot. 129 00:06:12,264 --> 00:06:14,614 (slurring): Hello? Anyone? 130 00:06:14,616 --> 00:06:17,859 Man, I'm-I'm starting to think Peter didn't throw 131 00:06:17,861 --> 00:06:19,711 a tennis ball in this direction. 132 00:06:19,788 --> 00:06:21,104 Crap. 133 00:06:21,106 --> 00:06:24,457 I'm lost in the woods, drunk on moonshine. 134 00:06:24,534 --> 00:06:27,777 I guess the only thing to do is watch Alex Jones videos 135 00:06:27,779 --> 00:06:29,796 at full volume on my phone. 136 00:06:29,873 --> 00:06:31,631 ALEX JONES: My supplements don't have lead in them. 137 00:06:31,633 --> 00:06:33,950 If your magnet bracelet won't come off, 138 00:06:33,952 --> 00:06:35,619 it's probably something you did. 139 00:06:35,621 --> 00:06:38,121 But now let's get back to the real news, my friends. 140 00:06:38,123 --> 00:06:40,715 There is a pedophile ring at TCBY. 141 00:06:40,792 --> 00:06:44,385 It does not stand for "The Country's Best Yogurt," 142 00:06:44,463 --> 00:06:48,031 it stands for "Take Children. Boys? Yes." 143 00:06:56,900 --> 00:06:58,917 (groaning) 144 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,977 -Good morning, buddy. -It's morning? 145 00:07:00,979 --> 00:07:02,587 (bleep), you can talk? 146 00:07:02,664 --> 00:07:04,648 Uh, yeah. 147 00:07:04,650 --> 00:07:05,924 Oh, my God. I knew it. 148 00:07:06,042 --> 00:07:08,818 They told me I was crazy, but I knew it. (exhales) 149 00:07:08,820 --> 00:07:11,504 I've said good morning to, like, thousands of dogs. 150 00:07:11,581 --> 00:07:14,290 Is this the pound? How did I get to the pound? 151 00:07:14,292 --> 00:07:16,009 Oh, my God, that's so awesome. 152 00:07:16,085 --> 00:07:18,678 Okay, you were brought to us as a lost dog, 153 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,440 but, good news: we scanned you and found your microchip. 154 00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:23,275 -I didn't know I was chipped. -Yep. 155 00:07:23,351 --> 00:07:25,185 So you can go back to your owners, 156 00:07:25,261 --> 00:07:27,654 the Hendersons of Bristol County. 157 00:07:29,524 --> 00:07:31,766 What? Well, who are these people? 158 00:07:31,843 --> 00:07:33,452 My family is the Griffins. 159 00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:35,528 Well, that's not what your chip says. 160 00:07:35,605 --> 00:07:37,772 Man, no one's gonna believe this. 161 00:07:37,849 --> 00:07:41,017 Wait, will you record my outgoing message? Oh, hang on. 162 00:07:41,019 --> 00:07:42,686 No one will know you're a dog. 163 00:07:42,688 --> 00:07:44,296 Oh. Can I record you on mute? 164 00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,298 Wait, then no one will hear you can talk. 165 00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,782 Okay, we're gonna do something together. 166 00:07:47,859 --> 00:07:50,093 I don't know what it is, but we're gonna do something. 167 00:07:57,536 --> 00:07:59,961 You still researching your other family? 168 00:07:59,963 --> 00:08:02,314 Yeah. Apparently, they reported me missing 169 00:08:02,390 --> 00:08:03,707 right before Peter found me. 170 00:08:03,709 --> 00:08:05,800 I just think it's important I understand 171 00:08:05,877 --> 00:08:09,729 who these people were, you know, as an anthropologist might. 172 00:08:09,731 --> 00:08:12,657 This is a search for "Hendersons net worth question mark." 173 00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:14,659 Ah, sorry, let me go back. 174 00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,886 That says "Hendersons feet." 175 00:08:16,888 --> 00:08:18,555 "Hendersons daughter." 176 00:08:18,557 --> 00:08:21,725 "Hendersons daughter age." Yikes, Bri. 177 00:08:21,727 --> 00:08:23,335 "Hendersons naked." Whoa. 178 00:08:23,411 --> 00:08:25,562 "Florence Henderson naked." 179 00:08:25,564 --> 00:08:27,580 Her boobs look like her eyes. 180 00:08:27,657 --> 00:08:29,508 Anyway, I just thought it might be helpful 181 00:08:29,584 --> 00:08:31,067 to reconnect with them. 182 00:08:31,069 --> 00:08:33,661 It's funny, but I-I have no memory of living with them. 183 00:08:33,739 --> 00:08:35,496 Yeah, sort of like Chris doesn't remember we stole him 184 00:08:35,498 --> 00:08:37,974 -from a Dutch family. -What's this now? 185 00:08:43,765 --> 00:08:45,932 Oh, Peter, you cut your hair. 186 00:08:46,009 --> 00:08:48,434 It actually got caught in the garage door opener chain. 187 00:08:48,511 --> 00:08:50,754 Good news is, we'll know exactly how far 188 00:08:50,756 --> 00:08:51,863 to pull in when we park. 189 00:08:51,940 --> 00:08:53,848 What about the tennis ball? 190 00:08:53,925 --> 00:08:55,992 What tennis ball? 191 00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:01,522 Hey, cool out. I-I can be your assistant. 192 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,691 We can both do it. Checks and balances. 193 00:09:03,769 --> 00:09:05,335 (screaming) 194 00:09:19,968 --> 00:09:22,285 Okay, Brian, you can do this. 195 00:09:22,287 --> 00:09:23,787 The Griffins are still your family. 196 00:09:23,789 --> 00:09:26,731 You're just curious to learn about yourself. 197 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,716 Yes. To learn about yourself. 198 00:09:28,794 --> 00:09:29,734 (doorbell rings) 199 00:09:31,797 --> 00:09:33,387 Oh, my God, it's you. 200 00:09:33,465 --> 00:09:35,574 -Is this really happening? -Sure is. 201 00:09:37,469 --> 00:09:39,578 We thought we'd never see you again. 202 00:09:39,654 --> 00:09:41,304 We made a grave for you and everything. 203 00:09:41,306 --> 00:09:42,972 Want to see it? Want to see your own grave? 204 00:09:42,974 --> 00:09:44,490 Um, uh, no, thanks. 205 00:09:44,567 --> 00:09:47,586 Good, 'cause we had to move it to put in the trampoline anyway. 206 00:09:47,662 --> 00:09:49,004 Come in, come in. 207 00:09:51,407 --> 00:09:54,317 Wow, this place is incredible. 208 00:09:54,319 --> 00:09:56,595 These say "Henderson." Did you write all these? 209 00:09:56,597 --> 00:10:00,340 Yep. I've written one more book than James Patterson. 210 00:10:00,416 --> 00:10:03,009 He writes one, I write one more. That's sort of my thing. 211 00:10:03,011 --> 00:10:06,253 Oh, and it looks like you got some of my favorites over here. 212 00:10:06,331 --> 00:10:08,514 1984. Chilling. 213 00:10:08,591 --> 00:10:10,442 -Could happen, right? -Which part? 214 00:10:10,518 --> 00:10:13,686 Oh, just all of it. You know, the-- just, the year. 215 00:10:13,763 --> 00:10:17,264 Are you saying the year 1984 could happen? 216 00:10:17,266 --> 00:10:19,433 Ah, and Sense and Sensibility. 217 00:10:19,511 --> 00:10:22,695 Very similar words. But there is a difference there. 218 00:10:22,772 --> 00:10:26,625 Well, I think Ms. Austen meant "sense" as in the rational mind, 219 00:10:26,701 --> 00:10:30,019 and "sensibility" as in one's preferences, or irrational mind, 220 00:10:30,021 --> 00:10:32,538 so it's kind of a winking tug-of-war at work. 221 00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:34,524 (chuckles) 222 00:10:34,526 --> 00:10:37,861 Do you have Jaws here? I-I'd like to talk about Jaws. 223 00:10:37,863 --> 00:10:39,787 -By Peter Benchley? -(chuckles) 224 00:10:39,865 --> 00:10:43,099 No. No, by Steven Spielberg. 225 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,889 Well, that was all pretty unexpected. 226 00:10:49,966 --> 00:10:52,317 The Hendersons were actually amazing. 227 00:10:52,394 --> 00:10:54,878 I can totally see where I get my literary chops from. 228 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,579 Ah, uh, can't hear you... 229 00:10:56,581 --> 00:10:58,398 I mean, their kids are at Harvard now. 230 00:10:58,474 --> 00:11:00,659 Yeah, I can't-- I got my music going, so... 231 00:11:00,735 --> 00:11:02,385 Makes me think I could have gone to Harvard 232 00:11:02,387 --> 00:11:04,478 -if I'd just stuck around. -(sighs) 233 00:11:04,556 --> 00:11:07,891 Okay, fine. Not gonna make Sinéad compete with you. 234 00:11:07,893 --> 00:11:09,559 Not gonna do that to her. 235 00:11:09,561 --> 00:11:11,336 I was just thinking, you know, how different 236 00:11:11,413 --> 00:11:13,563 my life could be if I'd actually grown up 237 00:11:13,565 --> 00:11:15,632 with the right kind of family. 238 00:11:16,993 --> 00:11:19,736 Yeah, Bri, I have that thought sometimes, too. 239 00:11:19,738 --> 00:11:21,421 (slurping) 240 00:11:21,497 --> 00:11:23,848 -Oh, hey. -Hey yourself. 241 00:11:23,925 --> 00:11:26,518 You, uh, working hard or hardly working? 242 00:11:26,594 --> 00:11:27,852 Get up here and find out. 243 00:11:27,929 --> 00:11:29,354 Uh, Brian, I got to go. 244 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:30,504 -But, Stewie... -I got to go! 245 00:11:30,506 --> 00:11:32,840 Hey, you want to get in the pool? 246 00:11:32,918 --> 00:11:36,419 Oh, I'd love to, but I had active diarrhea three days ago. 247 00:11:36,421 --> 00:11:39,531 Oh, it's okay, the lifeguard's totally cool. 248 00:11:40,759 --> 00:11:42,442 (whistle blows) 249 00:11:42,518 --> 00:11:43,593 Hey, guys? 250 00:11:43,595 --> 00:11:44,494 Uh-uh. 251 00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:49,857 Ah, the weekend scholars. 252 00:11:49,859 --> 00:11:52,026 You two tackling your studies? 253 00:11:52,103 --> 00:11:54,620 We're buying tickets to Fyre Fest Two. You in? 254 00:11:54,697 --> 00:11:57,457 You do realize the first one was a historic failure. 255 00:11:57,533 --> 00:11:59,959 Yeah, but this one's on the moon. 256 00:11:59,961 --> 00:12:01,461 And Brittany Murphy's going! 257 00:12:01,537 --> 00:12:03,704 You guys are clearly being conned. 258 00:12:03,706 --> 00:12:04,964 There isn't even water up there. 259 00:12:04,966 --> 00:12:07,617 Trust me, there's a very dedicated man 260 00:12:07,619 --> 00:12:10,437 who will make sure we get water, Brian. 261 00:12:15,384 --> 00:12:17,810 Hey, Chris, did you tell everyone the big news? 262 00:12:17,812 --> 00:12:19,571 No, it's stupid. 263 00:12:19,647 --> 00:12:20,905 Go on, tell 'em! 264 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:24,300 Well, I got into Orange Julius school today. 265 00:12:24,302 --> 00:12:25,651 -That's wonderful, Chris! -Congratulations! 266 00:12:25,728 --> 00:12:26,894 Unique. 267 00:12:26,972 --> 00:12:28,413 Tell 'em what the guy said, Chris. 268 00:12:28,490 --> 00:12:31,824 He said I was lucky I was the only one who applied. 269 00:12:31,826 --> 00:12:33,251 You're being too modest. 270 00:12:33,328 --> 00:12:35,236 He also said they only accept 271 00:12:35,238 --> 00:12:37,238 99% of applicants. 272 00:12:37,315 --> 00:12:39,649 Anyway, I've already been fired for touching myself 273 00:12:39,651 --> 00:12:42,668 while the Hot Dog on a Stick ladies made lemonade. 274 00:12:42,745 --> 00:12:43,928 That's terrible, Chris. 275 00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:46,339 Well, to be fair, the hot dogs look 276 00:12:46,341 --> 00:12:48,415 like wieners and lemonade looks like pee, 277 00:12:48,493 --> 00:12:50,769 so I was kind of doomed from the get-go. 278 00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:52,253 Okay, that's it! 279 00:12:52,330 --> 00:12:54,347 How are you all actually this dumb? 280 00:12:54,423 --> 00:12:57,350 I can't even believe I've wasted my intellect living here. 281 00:12:57,426 --> 00:12:58,777 What are you saying, Brian? 282 00:12:58,853 --> 00:13:00,353 I'm saying I'm moving back in 283 00:13:00,429 --> 00:13:02,355 with the Hendersons where I belong. 284 00:13:02,431 --> 00:13:05,266 Okay, Brian, I guess that's your choice. 285 00:13:05,343 --> 00:13:06,117 Yeah, fine. Go! 286 00:13:06,511 --> 00:13:08,511 And if you think we're just going to sadly 287 00:13:08,513 --> 00:13:10,363 watch you walk away, you're wrong, mister! 288 00:13:10,439 --> 00:13:12,457 Now get the hell out of here! 289 00:13:17,872 --> 00:13:19,964 ♪ Every time you go ♪ 290 00:13:20,041 --> 00:13:21,691 ♪ Away... ♪ 291 00:13:21,693 --> 00:13:23,301 (music stops) 292 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:26,529 ♪ You take a piece of me with... ♪ 293 00:13:26,531 --> 00:13:29,532 CHRIS: Hey, Stewie, was there a men's department 294 00:13:29,534 --> 00:13:31,434 -in that record store? -Shut up! 295 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,893 Lois, there's a spider in my golf bag. 296 00:13:40,970 --> 00:13:42,378 I need you to kill it. 297 00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:44,305 Peter, why is there a huge pile of food 298 00:13:44,382 --> 00:13:45,806 under the table by your chair? 299 00:13:45,884 --> 00:13:47,975 What? Oh, that's all the gross food you made. 300 00:13:48,053 --> 00:13:50,477 -Don't worry, Brian will eat it. -Brian's gone. 301 00:13:50,555 --> 00:13:52,738 He moved in with that smarty-pants Henderson family. 302 00:13:52,815 --> 00:13:55,482 Oh, that's right. Well, then this is a perfect chance 303 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,894 to do something I've been wanting to do forever. 304 00:13:57,896 --> 00:13:59,337 Kids, family meeting! 305 00:14:00,565 --> 00:14:03,490 Now that there's no dog in the house, we can finally throw 306 00:14:03,568 --> 00:14:05,751 gross things in the open bathroom trash. 307 00:14:05,870 --> 00:14:09,330 I've got a bloody Kleenex from when I blew my nose too hard! 308 00:14:09,407 --> 00:14:11,591 -Put it in there! -How about bloody toilet paper 309 00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:13,184 from wiping too hard? 310 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,353 Everything bloody from everything too hard 311 00:14:15,430 --> 00:14:18,606 -goes in there. -I'm not proud of this family. 312 00:14:21,510 --> 00:14:23,936 All right, well, since Brian's not coming back, 313 00:14:23,938 --> 00:14:25,938 I, I guess you and I should try 314 00:14:25,940 --> 00:14:27,757 to develop our own comedic patter. 315 00:14:27,759 --> 00:14:29,516 Guess so. 316 00:14:29,594 --> 00:14:32,428 Oh, hey, can I get some of that pie and Cool "Hwip"? 317 00:14:32,430 --> 00:14:35,522 -What did you say? -We can't have pie without Cool "Hwip." 318 00:14:35,524 --> 00:14:37,358 That's not how you're supposed to say it! 319 00:14:37,435 --> 00:14:38,451 You said it weird! 320 00:14:38,527 --> 00:14:41,528 Whoa, buddy. It was-- it was just a joke. 321 00:14:41,530 --> 00:14:43,272 Somehow this is at my expense, I know it! 322 00:14:43,274 --> 00:14:45,625 No, it's a goof... 323 00:14:45,627 --> 00:14:48,461 -It's my bit, bud. -Oh, you like bits, huh? 324 00:14:48,463 --> 00:14:52,539 Well, this is my bit-- want to ride the Stewie-Go-Round? 325 00:14:52,617 --> 00:14:53,799 Aah! Make it stop! 326 00:14:53,876 --> 00:14:55,560 I can't! 327 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,228 It's like an SNL bit! 328 00:14:57,305 --> 00:14:59,230 Too long with no ending! 329 00:14:59,307 --> 00:15:01,441 -♪ -(cheering and applause) 330 00:15:06,889 --> 00:15:09,240 Welcome back to the family, Brian. 331 00:15:09,317 --> 00:15:11,242 We're so happy to have you for dinner. 332 00:15:11,361 --> 00:15:13,319 I think it was Oscar Wilde who once said, 333 00:15:13,396 --> 00:15:15,972 "After good dinner, one can forgive anybody, 334 00:15:15,974 --> 00:15:17,398 even one's own relations." 335 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:20,919 And Oscar Wilde? Famous gaybo. 336 00:15:20,995 --> 00:15:23,312 Whoa, where do you think you're going? 337 00:15:23,314 --> 00:15:25,590 Oh. I just assumed that was my seat. 338 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:28,834 Brian, we've never had an unwiped dog anus 339 00:15:28,911 --> 00:15:30,486 on a chair cushion before. 340 00:15:30,488 --> 00:15:32,764 And we're not about to change that now, 341 00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,766 as happy as we are you've returned to us. 342 00:15:34,842 --> 00:15:37,584 You eat down here. 343 00:15:37,662 --> 00:15:39,586 Ah. Dog bowl. (chuckles) 344 00:15:39,664 --> 00:15:41,564 Classic. 345 00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,769 Ugh, this food looks gross. 346 00:15:55,847 --> 00:15:58,698 -It's very good for you. -I don't believe you. 347 00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:00,016 Well, who would you believe? 348 00:16:00,018 --> 00:16:02,018 I don't know, Robert Loggia? 349 00:16:02,020 --> 00:16:04,854 ♪ 350 00:16:04,856 --> 00:16:06,205 Whoa, Robert Loggia! 351 00:16:06,282 --> 00:16:08,357 Mrs. Henderson is right. 352 00:16:08,359 --> 00:16:11,452 Alpo dog food is nutritious and delicious. 353 00:16:11,529 --> 00:16:13,972 -Thanks, Robert Loggia! -No problem. 354 00:16:14,048 --> 00:16:16,307 Mind if I take a whiz in your bathroom? 355 00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:17,976 But you took one when you got here. 356 00:16:18,052 --> 00:16:19,885 Well, I have to take another. 357 00:16:19,962 --> 00:16:21,887 Stop counting my whizzes. 358 00:16:21,964 --> 00:16:24,390 ♪ 359 00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:26,042 You know, Brian, we were wondering, 360 00:16:26,044 --> 00:16:27,710 what do you think of the name Brian? 361 00:16:27,712 --> 00:16:29,895 -What do you mean? -Well, we never had the chance to name you, 362 00:16:29,972 --> 00:16:32,639 so we were thinking something a bit more sophisticated. 363 00:16:32,717 --> 00:16:33,974 What if we call you Ishmael? 364 00:16:34,052 --> 00:16:35,326 Call me Ishmael? 365 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:38,312 Ha. See, honey, I told you he wasn't secretly 366 00:16:38,389 --> 00:16:39,980 a stupid alcoholic fraud. 367 00:16:40,058 --> 00:16:41,557 We love the name. 368 00:16:41,559 --> 00:16:43,984 We heard a really wonderful lecture on Moby Dick 369 00:16:44,062 --> 00:16:45,670 when we went to TED last summer. 370 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,396 Oh, Ted? Ted 's a classic! 371 00:16:47,398 --> 00:16:49,323 I didn't know you like TED, too? 372 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:50,842 Well, Ted 2 was just okay. 373 00:16:50,918 --> 00:16:51,917 I mean, I-I wanted to like it. 374 00:16:51,994 --> 00:16:53,569 You know, I came to buy. 375 00:16:53,571 --> 00:16:55,588 Really long courtroom scene, really long. 376 00:16:55,664 --> 00:16:57,757 I don't think we saw that TED Talk. 377 00:16:57,833 --> 00:17:01,668 Really? He says the opposite of things you think he'd say! 378 00:17:01,746 --> 00:17:03,746 I mean, that's kinda... 379 00:17:03,748 --> 00:17:05,481 that's kinda the whole thing. 380 00:17:12,774 --> 00:17:14,848 Stop kicking me, Peter! 381 00:17:14,926 --> 00:17:16,275 Your toenails are so long. 382 00:17:16,352 --> 00:17:18,393 I feel like I'm sleeping with Mo'Nique. 383 00:17:18,429 --> 00:17:20,613 I'm over here. I found your vibrator, 384 00:17:20,689 --> 00:17:23,190 and I was holding my thing up next to it. 385 00:17:23,268 --> 00:17:25,284 I thought they should meet each other. 386 00:17:25,361 --> 00:17:27,787 Chris, what the hell are you doing?! 387 00:17:27,863 --> 00:17:29,605 Dad told me to sleep in here. 388 00:17:29,607 --> 00:17:32,275 Sorry, Lois. I just missed having Brian at the foot 389 00:17:32,277 --> 00:17:34,034 of the bed, so I, I asked Chris to do it. 390 00:17:34,112 --> 00:17:37,037 Peter, we had sex 20 minutes ago! 391 00:17:37,115 --> 00:17:40,299 Actually, it was 17 minutes ago. 392 00:17:40,301 --> 00:17:43,636 Though neither of you finished, so technically it's still going. 393 00:17:43,712 --> 00:17:45,971 Just-- I-I was very full. 394 00:17:46,048 --> 00:17:47,640 Just, just know that. 395 00:17:47,716 --> 00:17:49,901 Okay, that's it. This is no way to live. 396 00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:51,327 We need Brian back. 397 00:17:51,329 --> 00:17:53,404 Ah, you're right. I miss him. 398 00:17:53,481 --> 00:17:56,390 I wonder what Brian would say if he were here right now. 399 00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:58,634 Hey, Peter. I bet you're secretly, 400 00:17:58,636 --> 00:18:00,912 like, the best in the world at karate. 401 00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:03,748 Yeah. I am, buddy. Thanks. 402 00:18:03,825 --> 00:18:07,234 And did I hear you just became Jet Ski President of the World? 403 00:18:07,236 --> 00:18:08,920 Yeah, that's right. 404 00:18:08,996 --> 00:18:11,997 Man, I miss Brian. I got to figure out how to get him back. 405 00:18:12,074 --> 00:18:13,816 And I hear you're really cool at sleepovers. 406 00:18:13,818 --> 00:18:17,386 Well, I don't go to bed if that's what you mean. 407 00:18:22,493 --> 00:18:24,393 (sighs) 408 00:18:27,665 --> 00:18:29,565 ♪ 409 00:18:37,842 --> 00:18:39,933 Hey, how come, when I went missing, 410 00:18:40,011 --> 00:18:41,786 you guys didn't keep looking for me? 411 00:18:41,863 --> 00:18:45,014 Well, we really like to leave things up to God's will. 412 00:18:45,016 --> 00:18:46,124 Oh, boy. 413 00:18:46,775 --> 00:18:48,851 Ha-ha! 414 00:18:48,853 --> 00:18:50,128 Road House callback! 415 00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:52,296 Road House callback! 416 00:18:52,373 --> 00:18:54,874 I never saw Road House. 417 00:18:54,950 --> 00:18:55,949 It's about kicking! 418 00:18:56,027 --> 00:18:57,969 Hey, Brian. Nice place. 419 00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,621 They got one of them soda fridges in the garage or what? 420 00:19:00,698 --> 00:19:02,715 -I-I don't think so. -Ah, that's wack. 421 00:19:02,791 --> 00:19:06,218 Hey, thanks for committing a brutal crime for me, Peter. 422 00:19:06,295 --> 00:19:07,961 You didn't have to do that. 423 00:19:08,039 --> 00:19:10,389 The Hendersons treated me like a pet. 424 00:19:10,466 --> 00:19:13,467 But you guys treat me like family. 425 00:19:13,544 --> 00:19:14,652 And I miss that. 426 00:19:14,729 --> 00:19:17,563 Look, Brian, I know we ain't as "fisticated" 427 00:19:17,565 --> 00:19:20,049 or "smort" or "intolergant" as them, 428 00:19:20,051 --> 00:19:21,975 but you're still our cat, you know? 429 00:19:21,977 --> 00:19:23,828 We want you to corn home. 430 00:19:23,905 --> 00:19:26,055 (toilet flushes) 431 00:19:26,057 --> 00:19:28,815 That was just one whiz. 432 00:19:28,893 --> 00:19:31,127 For those of you counting. 433 00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:36,323 Well, it sure is great to be back home. 434 00:19:36,401 --> 00:19:38,901 I think I finally learned that I would much rather 435 00:19:38,903 --> 00:19:40,920 be the smartest guy in a dumb family 436 00:19:40,996 --> 00:19:42,996 than the dumbest guy in a smart family. 437 00:19:43,074 --> 00:19:45,683 Uh, would we say you're the smartest guy in our family? 438 00:19:45,801 --> 00:19:48,911 You, uh, you ever invent a time machine, Brian? 439 00:19:48,913 --> 00:19:51,355 -Grow a brain, dick. -(knocking) 440 00:19:52,767 --> 00:19:53,858 Hey, Joe. What's up? 441 00:19:53,976 --> 00:19:55,359 Peter, I'm afraid you're under arrest 442 00:19:55,436 --> 00:19:56,677 for entering another man's home 443 00:19:56,754 --> 00:19:59,088 and kicking both he and his wife in the head. 444 00:19:59,090 --> 00:20:00,940 But it was from a movie. 445 00:20:00,942 --> 00:20:01,924 Well, that doesn't make a difference 446 00:20:01,926 --> 00:20:03,517 in the eyes of the law. 447 00:20:03,519 --> 00:20:05,203 But I said the name of the movie! 448 00:20:05,279 --> 00:20:07,947 Peter, I'd move away from that as a legal strategy. 449 00:20:07,949 --> 00:20:09,707 Eh, I'll take my chances. 450 00:20:12,027 --> 00:20:14,453 Has the jury reached a verdict? 451 00:20:14,530 --> 00:20:15,955 We have. 452 00:20:15,957 --> 00:20:17,215 Not guilty. 453 00:20:17,291 --> 00:20:19,866 Nobody puts Peter in a corner. 454 00:20:19,944 --> 00:20:21,219 Yay! 455 00:20:21,295 --> 00:20:22,553 I lucked out with jury selection. 456 00:20:29,470 --> 00:20:32,805 I'm glad everything is back to average. 457 00:20:32,881 --> 00:20:34,623 Yes, it's happy to be back home. 458 00:20:34,625 --> 00:20:35,900 I, too, am gleeful. 459 00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:37,902 You are improper. 460 00:20:37,979 --> 00:20:39,628 Your hair is like hay. 461 00:20:39,630 --> 00:20:40,796 A horse would eat it. 462 00:20:40,798 --> 00:20:42,740 Go into the wood-burning oven. 463 00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:45,526 (sighs) 464 00:20:45,561 --> 00:20:48,320 I miss our stolen son in America. 465 00:20:48,397 --> 00:20:50,656 Do you think he remembers us? 466 00:20:50,733 --> 00:20:52,308 Wooden shoe? 467 00:20:52,310 --> 00:20:53,809 (audience laughing) 468 00:20:53,811 --> 00:20:56,254 ANNOUNCER: Familiemaan: Dutch TV is probably 469 00:20:56,330 --> 00:20:58,464 not that great, we assume?