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00:00:02,728 --> 00:00:05,395
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:05,397 --> 00:00:08,323
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,918
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,995 --> 00:00:14,921
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪
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I'm glad you're finally getting
your hair cut, Peter.
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You were starting to look like
that Bongo from The Beatles.
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I am so excited
for you to meet Jerry.
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He's been cutting my hair
for decades.
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-I'm like family here.
-How do you do?
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Well, that's a fine
"how do you do."
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-I have a 12:00 with Jerry.
-Oh.
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Well, I'm sorry to tell you
this, Mr. Griffin,
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but your barber Jerry
has passed away.
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What? When?
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-Recently.
-Jerry.
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Oh, that's someone else.
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But I can assure you,
we have a wonderful team
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00:01:05,749 --> 00:01:08,567
of lesbians wearing all black
for you to choose from.
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No! I want Jerry.
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Come on, Peter,
it's just a haircut.
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Come on, get up.
You're embarrassing me.
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I'm not gonna. I hate you.
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Come on, Peter.
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You're acting worse
than the time Chris auditioned
30
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for Stanley Kubrick.
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Good day, Mr. Kubrick.
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My name is Chris Griffin.
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And the following
is a loose cutting
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from Air Bud: Golden Receiver.
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Show me in the rule book
where it says a dog
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can't play football.
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He ain't gonna walk again.
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Doc says he broke his back.
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You're gold
when you're a retriever.
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You're gold when
you're a retriever.
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Peter, this is Jan.
Now you just sit there
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while she and I
conspiratorially discuss
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your haircut in front of you.
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(whispering indistinctly)
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(laughs)
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Okay, Peter, think.
You're a cartoon character.
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You can conjure up
anything in the world
48
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to get yourself out of this.
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So long, Lois and lady
I accidentally called "sir."
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The lines are speed.
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I didn't draw any food
or supplies.
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I drew that.
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Good morning, family.
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Peter, why are you
wearing that hat?
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You look like you're getting
ready to ride
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a moped in Thailand.
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♪
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Oh, God, how does it look wet
and dry at the same time?
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You look like if Shelley Duvall
ate Shelley Duvall.
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Peter, you have
to get a haircut.
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Lois, Jerry's dead.
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So I think I'm just gonna
be a long-haired old guy
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from here on out.
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I'm, like, not mad at his hair.
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Sorry, but, like, I would.
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You would what?
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-And with who?
-Anything. With anybody.
68
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I don't give a horse's tomato.
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Okay, come on, guys,
it's just hair.
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I'm still the same old Peter.
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Nothing's gonna change.
Oh, I'm late.
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The hair doesn't know yet
that he doesn't need
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a briefcase for work.
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What are we doing here, Dad?
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00:03:57,463 --> 00:03:59,404
Well, now that I have long,
stringy hair,
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we're bidding on
an abandoned storage unit.
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Gentlemen, the auction
is about to begin.
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Are we all wearing
our cargo shorts?
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If so, please rattle
your trinkets and van keys.
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(metal clinking)
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00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,234
Very good.
The first unit up for bids today
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00:04:13,236 --> 00:04:16,496
contains the band members
from Sugar Ray.
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Every morning there are old guys
bidding for the value
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00:04:19,985 --> 00:04:22,243
of my bandmates'
four gross beds.
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Shut the door, baby,
don't say a word.
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They still got it. This, Chris.
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This is why we got up
at 5:00 a.m.
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and drove 90 miles to be here.
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Hey, Brian, you're just in time.
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The fat man's segment is on.
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♪
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PETER:
How would I describe it here?
93
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Well, we're just normal
long-haired people
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who happen to share
a love of soup
95
00:04:52,518 --> 00:04:56,870
and, uh, also vigorous
den-floor tongue dunking.
96
00:04:56,946 --> 00:04:59,464
-(slurping)
-Yeah, honestly the soups
97
00:04:59,541 --> 00:05:01,875
are a much bigger part of it
than I was led to believe.
98
00:05:01,951 --> 00:05:03,618
Like, I-I can't
stress that enough.
99
00:05:03,695 --> 00:05:06,096
I always have to pee wicked
during the other thing.
100
00:05:08,124 --> 00:05:10,033
There's a framed
grandparent photo
101
00:05:10,035 --> 00:05:12,552
watching all that activity
in the den.
102
00:05:12,629 --> 00:05:13,979
I don't know if this is
appropriate for Stewie.
103
00:05:14,056 --> 00:05:16,890
Sorry, I'm just so preoccupied
with Peter's hair.
104
00:05:16,966 --> 00:05:18,391
Every time he comes in a room,
105
00:05:18,468 --> 00:05:20,802
he's accompanied
by the "Aqualung" guitar lick.
106
00:05:20,879 --> 00:05:22,804
("Aqualung" plays)
107
00:05:22,881 --> 00:05:24,731
I'll be out back.
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("Aqualung" plays)
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Forgot my keys.
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("Aqualung" plays)
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Wrong ones.
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-I'll go talk to him.
-Oh, thank you, Brian.
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He's probably out by the still.
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(insects chirping)
115
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(Southern accent):
You from the QVA?
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What the hell?
Peter, it's me, Brian.
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Quahog Valley Authority
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-trying to flood me out of here.
-What is all this?
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(regular accent):
It's where I make my liquor
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free from
government interference.
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Here, try a swig.
122
00:05:54,913 --> 00:05:57,522
(coughing)
What's in this?
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I have no idea.
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I could really use
some government interference.
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-Uh, it's actually not bad.
-(siren wailing)
126
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It's the police. Run!
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(guns cock)
128
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Well, don't worry.
I won't get far on foot.
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(slurring):
Hello? Anyone?
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Man, I'm-I'm starting
to think Peter didn't throw
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a tennis ball in this direction.
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Crap.
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I'm lost in the woods,
drunk on moonshine.
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I guess the only thing to do
is watch Alex Jones videos
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at full volume on my phone.
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00:06:29,873 --> 00:06:31,631
ALEX JONES:
My supplements don't
have lead in them.
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00:06:31,633 --> 00:06:33,950
If your magnet bracelet
won't come off,
138
00:06:33,952 --> 00:06:35,619
it's probably something you did.
139
00:06:35,621 --> 00:06:38,121
But now let's get back
to the real news, my friends.
140
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There is a pedophile ring
at TCBY.
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00:06:40,792 --> 00:06:44,385
It does not stand for
"The Country's Best Yogurt,"
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it stands for
"Take Children. Boys? Yes."
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(groaning)
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00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,977
-Good morning, buddy.
-It's morning?
145
00:07:00,979 --> 00:07:02,587
(bleep), you can talk?
146
00:07:02,664 --> 00:07:04,648
Uh, yeah.
147
00:07:04,650 --> 00:07:05,924
Oh, my God. I knew it.
148
00:07:06,042 --> 00:07:08,818
They told me I was crazy,
but I knew it. (exhales)
149
00:07:08,820 --> 00:07:11,504
I've said good morning to,
like, thousands of dogs.
150
00:07:11,581 --> 00:07:14,290
Is this the pound?
How did I get to the pound?
151
00:07:14,292 --> 00:07:16,009
Oh, my God, that's so awesome.
152
00:07:16,085 --> 00:07:18,678
Okay, you were brought to us
as a lost dog,
153
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,440
but, good news: we scanned you
and found your microchip.
154
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-I didn't know I was chipped.
-Yep.
155
00:07:23,351 --> 00:07:25,185
So you can go back
to your owners,
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the Hendersons
of Bristol County.
157
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What? Well, who are
these people?
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My family is the Griffins.
159
00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:35,528
Well, that's not
what your chip says.
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00:07:35,605 --> 00:07:37,772
Man, no one's gonna
believe this.
161
00:07:37,849 --> 00:07:41,017
Wait, will you record my
outgoing message? Oh, hang on.
162
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No one will know you're a dog.
163
00:07:42,688 --> 00:07:44,296
Oh. Can I record you on mute?
164
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Wait, then no one
will hear you can talk.
165
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Okay, we're gonna do
something together.
166
00:07:47,859 --> 00:07:50,093
I don't know what it is,
but we're gonna do something.
167
00:07:57,536 --> 00:07:59,961
You still researching
your other family?
168
00:07:59,963 --> 00:08:02,314
Yeah. Apparently,
they reported me missing
169
00:08:02,390 --> 00:08:03,707
right before Peter found me.
170
00:08:03,709 --> 00:08:05,800
I just think it's important
I understand
171
00:08:05,877 --> 00:08:09,729
who these people were, you know,
as an anthropologist might.
172
00:08:09,731 --> 00:08:12,657
This is a search for "Hendersons
net worth question mark."
173
00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:14,659
Ah, sorry, let me go back.
174
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,886
That says "Hendersons feet."
175
00:08:16,888 --> 00:08:18,555
"Hendersons daughter."
176
00:08:18,557 --> 00:08:21,725
"Hendersons daughter age."
Yikes, Bri.
177
00:08:21,727 --> 00:08:23,335
"Hendersons naked." Whoa.
178
00:08:23,411 --> 00:08:25,562
"Florence Henderson naked."
179
00:08:25,564 --> 00:08:27,580
Her boobs look like her eyes.
180
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Anyway, I just thought
it might be helpful
181
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to reconnect with them.
182
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It's funny, but I-I have
no memory of living with them.
183
00:08:33,739 --> 00:08:35,496
Yeah, sort of like Chris
doesn't remember we stole him
184
00:08:35,498 --> 00:08:37,974
-from a Dutch family.
-What's this now?
185
00:08:43,765 --> 00:08:45,932
Oh, Peter, you cut your hair.
186
00:08:46,009 --> 00:08:48,434
It actually got caught
in the garage door opener chain.
187
00:08:48,511 --> 00:08:50,754
Good news is,
we'll know exactly how far
188
00:08:50,756 --> 00:08:51,863
to pull in when we park.
189
00:08:51,940 --> 00:08:53,848
What about the tennis ball?
190
00:08:53,925 --> 00:08:55,992
What tennis ball?
191
00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:01,522
Hey, cool out.
I-I can be your assistant.
192
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,691
We can both do it.
Checks and balances.
193
00:09:03,769 --> 00:09:05,335
(screaming)
194
00:09:19,968 --> 00:09:22,285
Okay, Brian, you can do this.
195
00:09:22,287 --> 00:09:23,787
The Griffins
are still your family.
196
00:09:23,789 --> 00:09:26,731
You're just curious
to learn about yourself.
197
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,716
Yes. To learn about yourself.
198
00:09:28,794 --> 00:09:29,734
(doorbell rings)
199
00:09:31,797 --> 00:09:33,387
Oh, my God, it's you.
200
00:09:33,465 --> 00:09:35,574
-Is this really happening?
-Sure is.
201
00:09:37,469 --> 00:09:39,578
We thought we'd never
see you again.
202
00:09:39,654 --> 00:09:41,304
We made a grave for you
and everything.
203
00:09:41,306 --> 00:09:42,972
Want to see it?
Want to see your own grave?
204
00:09:42,974 --> 00:09:44,490
Um, uh, no, thanks.
205
00:09:44,567 --> 00:09:47,586
Good, 'cause we had to move it
to put in the trampoline anyway.
206
00:09:47,662 --> 00:09:49,004
Come in, come in.
207
00:09:51,407 --> 00:09:54,317
Wow, this place is incredible.
208
00:09:54,319 --> 00:09:56,595
These say "Henderson."
Did you write all these?
209
00:09:56,597 --> 00:10:00,340
Yep. I've written one more book
than James Patterson.
210
00:10:00,416 --> 00:10:03,009
He writes one, I write one more.
That's sort of my thing.
211
00:10:03,011 --> 00:10:06,253
Oh, and it looks like you got
some of my favorites over here.
212
00:10:06,331 --> 00:10:08,514
1984. Chilling.
213
00:10:08,591 --> 00:10:10,442
-Could happen, right?
-Which part?
214
00:10:10,518 --> 00:10:13,686
Oh, just all of it.
You know, the-- just, the year.
215
00:10:13,763 --> 00:10:17,264
Are you saying the year 1984
could happen?
216
00:10:17,266 --> 00:10:19,433
Ah, and Sense and Sensibility.
217
00:10:19,511 --> 00:10:22,695
Very similar words.
But there is a difference there.
218
00:10:22,772 --> 00:10:26,625
Well, I think Ms. Austen meant
"sense" as in the rational mind,
219
00:10:26,701 --> 00:10:30,019
and "sensibility" as in one's
preferences, or irrational mind,
220
00:10:30,021 --> 00:10:32,538
so it's kind of a winking
tug-of-war at work.
221
00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:34,524
(chuckles)
222
00:10:34,526 --> 00:10:37,861
Do you have Jaws here?
I-I'd like to talk about Jaws.
223
00:10:37,863 --> 00:10:39,787
-By Peter Benchley?
-(chuckles)
224
00:10:39,865 --> 00:10:43,099
No. No, by Steven Spielberg.
225
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,889
Well, that was
all pretty unexpected.
226
00:10:49,966 --> 00:10:52,317
The Hendersons were
actually amazing.
227
00:10:52,394 --> 00:10:54,878
I can totally see where I get
my literary chops from.
228
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,579
Ah, uh, can't hear you...
229
00:10:56,581 --> 00:10:58,398
I mean, their kids are
at Harvard now.
230
00:10:58,474 --> 00:11:00,659
Yeah, I can't--
I got my music going, so...
231
00:11:00,735 --> 00:11:02,385
Makes me think
I could have gone to Harvard
232
00:11:02,387 --> 00:11:04,478
-if I'd just stuck around.
-(sighs)
233
00:11:04,556 --> 00:11:07,891
Okay, fine. Not gonna make
Sinéad compete with you.
234
00:11:07,893 --> 00:11:09,559
Not gonna do that to her.
235
00:11:09,561 --> 00:11:11,336
I was just thinking,
you know, how different
236
00:11:11,413 --> 00:11:13,563
my life could be
if I'd actually grown up
237
00:11:13,565 --> 00:11:15,632
with the right kind of family.
238
00:11:16,993 --> 00:11:19,736
Yeah, Bri, I have
that thought sometimes, too.
239
00:11:19,738 --> 00:11:21,421
(slurping)
240
00:11:21,497 --> 00:11:23,848
-Oh, hey.
-Hey yourself.
241
00:11:23,925 --> 00:11:26,518
You, uh, working hard
or hardly working?
242
00:11:26,594 --> 00:11:27,852
Get up here and find out.
243
00:11:27,929 --> 00:11:29,354
Uh, Brian, I got to go.
244
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:30,504
-But, Stewie...
-I got to go!
245
00:11:30,506 --> 00:11:32,840
Hey, you want to get
in the pool?
246
00:11:32,918 --> 00:11:36,419
Oh, I'd love to, but I had
active diarrhea three days ago.
247
00:11:36,421 --> 00:11:39,531
Oh, it's okay,
the lifeguard's totally cool.
248
00:11:40,759 --> 00:11:42,442
(whistle blows)
249
00:11:42,518 --> 00:11:43,593
Hey, guys?
250
00:11:43,595 --> 00:11:44,494
Uh-uh.
251
00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:49,857
Ah, the weekend scholars.
252
00:11:49,859 --> 00:11:52,026
You two tackling your studies?
253
00:11:52,103 --> 00:11:54,620
We're buying tickets
to Fyre Fest Two. You in?
254
00:11:54,697 --> 00:11:57,457
You do realize the first one was
a historic failure.
255
00:11:57,533 --> 00:11:59,959
Yeah, but this one's
on the moon.
256
00:11:59,961 --> 00:12:01,461
And Brittany Murphy's going!
257
00:12:01,537 --> 00:12:03,704
You guys are
clearly being conned.
258
00:12:03,706 --> 00:12:04,964
There isn't even water up there.
259
00:12:04,966 --> 00:12:07,617
Trust me,
there's a very dedicated man
260
00:12:07,619 --> 00:12:10,437
who will make sure
we get water, Brian.
261
00:12:15,384 --> 00:12:17,810
Hey, Chris, did you tell
everyone the big news?
262
00:12:17,812 --> 00:12:19,571
No, it's stupid.
263
00:12:19,647 --> 00:12:20,905
Go on, tell 'em!
264
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:24,300
Well, I got into
Orange Julius school today.
265
00:12:24,302 --> 00:12:25,651
-That's wonderful, Chris!
-Congratulations!
266
00:12:25,728 --> 00:12:26,894
Unique.
267
00:12:26,972 --> 00:12:28,413
Tell 'em
what the guy said, Chris.
268
00:12:28,490 --> 00:12:31,824
He said I was lucky I was
the only one who applied.
269
00:12:31,826 --> 00:12:33,251
You're being too modest.
270
00:12:33,328 --> 00:12:35,236
He also said they only accept
271
00:12:35,238 --> 00:12:37,238
99% of applicants.
272
00:12:37,315 --> 00:12:39,649
Anyway, I've already been fired
for touching myself
273
00:12:39,651 --> 00:12:42,668
while the Hot Dog on a Stick
ladies made lemonade.
274
00:12:42,745 --> 00:12:43,928
That's terrible, Chris.
275
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:46,339
Well, to be fair,
the hot dogs look
276
00:12:46,341 --> 00:12:48,415
like wieners
and lemonade looks like pee,
277
00:12:48,493 --> 00:12:50,769
so I was kind of doomed
from the get-go.
278
00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:52,253
Okay, that's it!
279
00:12:52,330 --> 00:12:54,347
How are you all
actually this dumb?
280
00:12:54,423 --> 00:12:57,350
I can't even believe I've wasted
my intellect living here.
281
00:12:57,426 --> 00:12:58,777
What are you saying, Brian?
282
00:12:58,853 --> 00:13:00,353
I'm saying I'm moving back in
283
00:13:00,429 --> 00:13:02,355
with the Hendersons
where I belong.
284
00:13:02,431 --> 00:13:05,266
Okay, Brian, I guess
that's your choice.
285
00:13:05,343 --> 00:13:06,117
Yeah, fine. Go!
286
00:13:06,511 --> 00:13:08,511
And if you think
we're just going to sadly
287
00:13:08,513 --> 00:13:10,363
watch you walk away,
you're wrong, mister!
288
00:13:10,439 --> 00:13:12,457
Now get the hell out of here!
289
00:13:17,872 --> 00:13:19,964
♪ Every time you go ♪
290
00:13:20,041 --> 00:13:21,691
♪ Away... ♪
291
00:13:21,693 --> 00:13:23,301
(music stops)
292
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:26,529
♪ You take
a piece of me with... ♪
293
00:13:26,531 --> 00:13:29,532
CHRIS:
Hey, Stewie, was there
a men's department
294
00:13:29,534 --> 00:13:31,434
-in that record store?
-Shut up!
295
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,893
Lois, there's a spider
in my golf bag.
296
00:13:40,970 --> 00:13:42,378
I need you to kill it.
297
00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:44,305
Peter, why is there
a huge pile of food
298
00:13:44,382 --> 00:13:45,806
under the table by your chair?
299
00:13:45,884 --> 00:13:47,975
What? Oh, that's all
the gross food you made.
300
00:13:48,053 --> 00:13:50,477
-Don't worry, Brian will eat it.
-Brian's gone.
301
00:13:50,555 --> 00:13:52,738
He moved in with that
smarty-pants Henderson family.
302
00:13:52,815 --> 00:13:55,482
Oh, that's right. Well,
then this is a perfect chance
303
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,894
to do something I've been
wanting to do forever.
304
00:13:57,896 --> 00:13:59,337
Kids, family meeting!
305
00:14:00,565 --> 00:14:03,490
Now that there's no dog in
the house, we can finally throw
306
00:14:03,568 --> 00:14:05,751
gross things in the open
bathroom trash.
307
00:14:05,870 --> 00:14:09,330
I've got a bloody Kleenex from
when I blew my nose too hard!
308
00:14:09,407 --> 00:14:11,591
-Put it in there!
-How about bloody toilet paper
309
00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:13,184
from wiping too hard?
310
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,353
Everything bloody
from everything too hard
311
00:14:15,430 --> 00:14:18,606
-goes in there.
-I'm not proud of this family.
312
00:14:21,510 --> 00:14:23,936
All right, well,
since Brian's not coming back,
313
00:14:23,938 --> 00:14:25,938
I, I guess you and I should try
314
00:14:25,940 --> 00:14:27,757
to develop
our own comedic patter.
315
00:14:27,759 --> 00:14:29,516
Guess so.
316
00:14:29,594 --> 00:14:32,428
Oh, hey, can I get some
of that pie and Cool "Hwip"?
317
00:14:32,430 --> 00:14:35,522
-What did you say?
-We can't have pie
without Cool "Hwip."
318
00:14:35,524 --> 00:14:37,358
That's not how you're supposed
to say it!
319
00:14:37,435 --> 00:14:38,451
You said it weird!
320
00:14:38,527 --> 00:14:41,528
Whoa, buddy.
It was-- it was just a joke.
321
00:14:41,530 --> 00:14:43,272
Somehow this is at my expense,
I know it!
322
00:14:43,274 --> 00:14:45,625
No, it's a goof...
323
00:14:45,627 --> 00:14:48,461
-It's my bit, bud.
-Oh, you like bits, huh?
324
00:14:48,463 --> 00:14:52,539
Well, this is my bit-- want
to ride the Stewie-Go-Round?
325
00:14:52,617 --> 00:14:53,799
Aah! Make it stop!
326
00:14:53,876 --> 00:14:55,560
I can't!
327
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,228
It's like an SNL bit!
328
00:14:57,305 --> 00:14:59,230
Too long with no ending!
329
00:14:59,307 --> 00:15:01,441
-♪
-(cheering and applause)
330
00:15:06,889 --> 00:15:09,240
Welcome back
to the family, Brian.
331
00:15:09,317 --> 00:15:11,242
We're so happy to have you
for dinner.
332
00:15:11,361 --> 00:15:13,319
I think it was Oscar Wilde
who once said,
333
00:15:13,396 --> 00:15:15,972
"After good dinner,
one can forgive anybody,
334
00:15:15,974 --> 00:15:17,398
even one's own relations."
335
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:20,919
And Oscar Wilde? Famous gaybo.
336
00:15:20,995 --> 00:15:23,312
Whoa, where do you think
you're going?
337
00:15:23,314 --> 00:15:25,590
Oh. I just assumed
that was my seat.
338
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:28,834
Brian, we've never had
an unwiped dog anus
339
00:15:28,911 --> 00:15:30,486
on a chair cushion before.
340
00:15:30,488 --> 00:15:32,764
And we're not about
to change that now,
341
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,766
as happy as we are
you've returned to us.
342
00:15:34,842 --> 00:15:37,584
You eat down here.
343
00:15:37,662 --> 00:15:39,586
Ah. Dog bowl.
(chuckles)
344
00:15:39,664 --> 00:15:41,564
Classic.
345
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,769
Ugh, this food looks gross.
346
00:15:55,847 --> 00:15:58,698
-It's very good for you.
-I don't believe you.
347
00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:00,016
Well, who would you believe?
348
00:16:00,018 --> 00:16:02,018
I don't know, Robert Loggia?
349
00:16:02,020 --> 00:16:04,854
♪
350
00:16:04,856 --> 00:16:06,205
Whoa, Robert Loggia!
351
00:16:06,282 --> 00:16:08,357
Mrs. Henderson is right.
352
00:16:08,359 --> 00:16:11,452
Alpo dog food is nutritious
and delicious.
353
00:16:11,529 --> 00:16:13,972
-Thanks, Robert Loggia!
-No problem.
354
00:16:14,048 --> 00:16:16,307
Mind if I take a whiz
in your bathroom?
355
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:17,976
But you took one
when you got here.
356
00:16:18,052 --> 00:16:19,885
Well, I have to take another.
357
00:16:19,962 --> 00:16:21,887
Stop counting my whizzes.
358
00:16:21,964 --> 00:16:24,390
♪
359
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:26,042
You know, Brian,
we were wondering,
360
00:16:26,044 --> 00:16:27,710
what do you think
of the name Brian?
361
00:16:27,712 --> 00:16:29,895
-What do you mean?
-Well, we never had
the chance to name you,
362
00:16:29,972 --> 00:16:32,639
so we were thinking something
a bit more sophisticated.
363
00:16:32,717 --> 00:16:33,974
What if we call you Ishmael?
364
00:16:34,052 --> 00:16:35,326
Call me Ishmael?
365
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:38,312
Ha. See, honey, I told
you he wasn't secretly
366
00:16:38,389 --> 00:16:39,980
a stupid alcoholic fraud.
367
00:16:40,058 --> 00:16:41,557
We love the name.
368
00:16:41,559 --> 00:16:43,984
We heard a really wonderful
lecture on Moby Dick
369
00:16:44,062 --> 00:16:45,670
when we went to TED last summer.
370
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,396
Oh, Ted? Ted 's a classic!
371
00:16:47,398 --> 00:16:49,323
I didn't know you like TED, too?
372
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:50,842
Well, Ted 2 was just okay.
373
00:16:50,918 --> 00:16:51,917
I mean, I-I wanted to like it.
374
00:16:51,994 --> 00:16:53,569
You know, I came to buy.
375
00:16:53,571 --> 00:16:55,588
Really long courtroom scene,
really long.
376
00:16:55,664 --> 00:16:57,757
I don't think
we saw that TED Talk.
377
00:16:57,833 --> 00:17:01,668
Really? He says the opposite
of things you think he'd say!
378
00:17:01,746 --> 00:17:03,746
I mean, that's kinda...
379
00:17:03,748 --> 00:17:05,481
that's kinda the whole thing.
380
00:17:12,774 --> 00:17:14,848
Stop kicking me, Peter!
381
00:17:14,926 --> 00:17:16,275
Your toenails are so long.
382
00:17:16,352 --> 00:17:18,393
I feel like I'm sleeping
with Mo'Nique.
383
00:17:18,429 --> 00:17:20,613
I'm over here.
I found your vibrator,
384
00:17:20,689 --> 00:17:23,190
and I was holding
my thing up next to it.
385
00:17:23,268 --> 00:17:25,284
I thought they should meet
each other.
386
00:17:25,361 --> 00:17:27,787
Chris, what the hell
are you doing?!
387
00:17:27,863 --> 00:17:29,605
Dad told me to sleep in here.
388
00:17:29,607 --> 00:17:32,275
Sorry, Lois. I just missed
having Brian at the foot
389
00:17:32,277 --> 00:17:34,034
of the bed, so I,
I asked Chris to do it.
390
00:17:34,112 --> 00:17:37,037
Peter, we had sex
20 minutes ago!
391
00:17:37,115 --> 00:17:40,299
Actually,
it was 17 minutes ago.
392
00:17:40,301 --> 00:17:43,636
Though neither of you finished,
so technically it's still going.
393
00:17:43,712 --> 00:17:45,971
Just-- I-I was very full.
394
00:17:46,048 --> 00:17:47,640
Just, just know that.
395
00:17:47,716 --> 00:17:49,901
Okay, that's it.
This is no way to live.
396
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:51,327
We need Brian back.
397
00:17:51,329 --> 00:17:53,404
Ah, you're right. I miss him.
398
00:17:53,481 --> 00:17:56,390
I wonder what Brian would say
if he were here right now.
399
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:58,634
Hey, Peter. I bet
you're secretly,
400
00:17:58,636 --> 00:18:00,912
like, the best
in the world at karate.
401
00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:03,748
Yeah. I am, buddy. Thanks.
402
00:18:03,825 --> 00:18:07,234
And did I hear you just became
Jet Ski President of the World?
403
00:18:07,236 --> 00:18:08,920
Yeah, that's right.
404
00:18:08,996 --> 00:18:11,997
Man, I miss Brian. I got to
figure out how to get him back.
405
00:18:12,074 --> 00:18:13,816
And I hear you're really cool
at sleepovers.
406
00:18:13,818 --> 00:18:17,386
Well, I don't go to bed
if that's what you mean.
407
00:18:22,493 --> 00:18:24,393
(sighs)
408
00:18:27,665 --> 00:18:29,565
♪
409
00:18:37,842 --> 00:18:39,933
Hey, how come,
when I went missing,
410
00:18:40,011 --> 00:18:41,786
you guys didn't keep
looking for me?
411
00:18:41,863 --> 00:18:45,014
Well, we really like to leave
things up to God's will.
412
00:18:45,016 --> 00:18:46,124
Oh, boy.
413
00:18:46,775 --> 00:18:48,851
Ha-ha!
414
00:18:48,853 --> 00:18:50,128
Road House callback!
415
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:52,296
Road House callback!
416
00:18:52,373 --> 00:18:54,874
I never saw Road House.
417
00:18:54,950 --> 00:18:55,949
It's about kicking!
418
00:18:56,027 --> 00:18:57,969
Hey, Brian. Nice place.
419
00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,621
They got one of them soda
fridges in the garage or what?
420
00:19:00,698 --> 00:19:02,715
-I-I don't think so.
-Ah, that's wack.
421
00:19:02,791 --> 00:19:06,218
Hey, thanks for committing
a brutal crime for me, Peter.
422
00:19:06,295 --> 00:19:07,961
You didn't have to do that.
423
00:19:08,039 --> 00:19:10,389
The Hendersons treated me
like a pet.
424
00:19:10,466 --> 00:19:13,467
But you guys treat me
like family.
425
00:19:13,544 --> 00:19:14,652
And I miss that.
426
00:19:14,729 --> 00:19:17,563
Look, Brian, I know
we ain't as "fisticated"
427
00:19:17,565 --> 00:19:20,049
or "smort"
or "intolergant" as them,
428
00:19:20,051 --> 00:19:21,975
but you're still our cat,
you know?
429
00:19:21,977 --> 00:19:23,828
We want you to corn home.
430
00:19:23,905 --> 00:19:26,055
(toilet flushes)
431
00:19:26,057 --> 00:19:28,815
That was just one whiz.
432
00:19:28,893 --> 00:19:31,127
For those of you counting.
433
00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:36,323
Well, it sure is great
to be back home.
434
00:19:36,401 --> 00:19:38,901
I think I finally learned
that I would much rather
435
00:19:38,903 --> 00:19:40,920
be the smartest guy
in a dumb family
436
00:19:40,996 --> 00:19:42,996
than the dumbest guy
in a smart family.
437
00:19:43,074 --> 00:19:45,683
Uh, would we say you're
the smartest guy in our family?
438
00:19:45,801 --> 00:19:48,911
You, uh, you ever invent
a time machine, Brian?
439
00:19:48,913 --> 00:19:51,355
-Grow a brain, dick.
-(knocking)
440
00:19:52,767 --> 00:19:53,858
Hey, Joe. What's up?
441
00:19:53,976 --> 00:19:55,359
Peter, I'm afraid
you're under arrest
442
00:19:55,436 --> 00:19:56,677
for entering another man's home
443
00:19:56,754 --> 00:19:59,088
and kicking both he
and his wife in the head.
444
00:19:59,090 --> 00:20:00,940
But it was from a movie.
445
00:20:00,942 --> 00:20:01,924
Well, that doesn't make
a difference
446
00:20:01,926 --> 00:20:03,517
in the eyes of the law.
447
00:20:03,519 --> 00:20:05,203
But I said the name
of the movie!
448
00:20:05,279 --> 00:20:07,947
Peter, I'd move away
from that as a legal strategy.
449
00:20:07,949 --> 00:20:09,707
Eh, I'll take my chances.
450
00:20:12,027 --> 00:20:14,453
Has the jury reached a verdict?
451
00:20:14,530 --> 00:20:15,955
We have.
452
00:20:15,957 --> 00:20:17,215
Not guilty.
453
00:20:17,291 --> 00:20:19,866
Nobody puts Peter in a corner.
454
00:20:19,944 --> 00:20:21,219
Yay!
455
00:20:21,295 --> 00:20:22,553
I lucked out
with jury selection.
456
00:20:29,470 --> 00:20:32,805
I'm glad everything is back
to average.
457
00:20:32,881 --> 00:20:34,623
Yes, it's happy to be back home.
458
00:20:34,625 --> 00:20:35,900
I, too, am gleeful.
459
00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:37,902
You are improper.
460
00:20:37,979 --> 00:20:39,628
Your hair is like hay.
461
00:20:39,630 --> 00:20:40,796
A horse would eat it.
462
00:20:40,798 --> 00:20:42,740
Go into the wood-burning oven.
463
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:45,526
(sighs)
464
00:20:45,561 --> 00:20:48,320
I miss our stolen son
in America.
465
00:20:48,397 --> 00:20:50,656
Do you think he remembers us?
466
00:20:50,733 --> 00:20:52,308
Wooden shoe?
467
00:20:52,310 --> 00:20:53,809
(audience laughing)
468
00:20:53,811 --> 00:20:56,254
ANNOUNCER: Familiemaan:
Dutch TV is probably
469
00:20:56,330 --> 00:20:58,464
not that great, we assume?