1
00:00:00,519 --> 00:00:03,646
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:03,746 --> 00:00:06,847
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:06,882 --> 00:00:10,284
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,319 --> 00:00:13,554
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,589 --> 00:00:16,957
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:16,993 --> 00:00:20,294
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,329 --> 00:00:21,862
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:23,797
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:23,833 --> 00:00:24,373
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:24,374 --> 00:00:28,374
♪ Family Guy 14x12 ♪
Scammed Yankees
Original Air Date on January 17, 2016
11
00:00:28,375 --> 00:00:33,375
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:33,376 --> 00:00:38,312
We now return
to the NBA on TNT... on LSD.
13
00:00:40,016 --> 00:00:42,916
Man, I'm out my mind!
14
00:00:42,952 --> 00:00:46,754
Okay, my mom will be here
any minute for our spa day.
15
00:00:46,789 --> 00:00:48,756
"Spa," S-P-A.
16
00:00:48,791 --> 00:00:51,225
Yes, very good, Peter.
17
00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:53,627
And remember, while we're
off getting our massages,
18
00:00:53,663 --> 00:00:55,629
you and Daddy are gonna
spend the day together here.
19
00:00:55,665 --> 00:00:57,631
Aw, I don't want
to hang out with him.
20
00:00:57,667 --> 00:00:59,466
He's, like, not
ticklish anywhere.
21
00:00:59,502 --> 00:01:01,468
Look, I'm sorry,
but my mom said
22
00:01:01,504 --> 00:01:03,303
he can't be left alone
at home anymore.
23
00:01:03,339 --> 00:01:07,041
Last time, he went crazy and
moved all the furniture around.
24
00:01:07,076 --> 00:01:09,410
♪ Dancing, walking ♪
25
00:01:09,445 --> 00:01:12,413
♪ Rearranging furniture ♪
26
00:01:12,448 --> 00:01:15,249
♪ Babs is shopping ♪
27
00:01:15,284 --> 00:01:17,818
♪ I let the bird
out of the cage... ♪
28
00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:21,655
Hello, dear.
29
00:01:21,691 --> 00:01:23,657
Oh, I always forget
30
00:01:23,693 --> 00:01:26,160
you walk right into
the living room in your house.
31
00:01:26,195 --> 00:01:27,594
Hey, do you have
a Band-Aid?
32
00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:29,430
Nothing happened,
but I'm bleeding.
33
00:01:29,465 --> 00:01:31,625
You know what, I'll just
rummage through your bathroom.
34
00:01:33,035 --> 00:01:34,835
Man, spending
a whole day with him
35
00:01:34,870 --> 00:01:37,037
is gonna be worse
than eating at a ball park.
36
00:01:37,073 --> 00:01:38,872
Uh, I'll take
one terrible beer,
37
00:01:38,908 --> 00:01:40,874
filled up way too high,
so I spill most of it,
38
00:01:40,910 --> 00:01:43,711
and a too-long hot dog
on a too-short bun.
39
00:01:43,746 --> 00:01:45,145
And do you have
mustard and relish?
40
00:01:45,181 --> 00:01:46,780
Yeah, it's right there
between the entrance
41
00:01:46,816 --> 00:01:48,182
and the exit to
the bathroom.
42
00:01:48,217 --> 00:01:50,184
Perfect. And can I get
a bag of unsalted peanuts?
43
00:01:50,219 --> 00:01:51,618
You know, something
I would never eat
44
00:01:51,654 --> 00:01:53,020
anywhere else in the world?
45
00:01:53,055 --> 00:01:54,021
Sure, here you go.
46
00:01:54,056 --> 00:01:55,656
Great, great.
47
00:01:55,691 --> 00:01:58,292
I can't wait to have diarrhea
in the stall with no door
48
00:01:58,327 --> 00:02:00,661
while 20 guys wait
for me to finish.
49
00:02:04,433 --> 00:02:06,800
No.
Ah, no.
50
00:02:06,836 --> 00:02:08,802
All right,
left cankle, red.
51
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,639
Right muffin top, blue.
52
00:02:16,078 --> 00:02:17,478
Sorry.
53
00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:19,713
Ugh, God, kill me.
54
00:02:19,749 --> 00:02:22,549
Stewie, I can't take any more
of Meg and her gross friends.
55
00:02:22,585 --> 00:02:23,984
Ah, ah,
hang on, hang on.
56
00:02:24,019 --> 00:02:25,853
I'm just finishing up
an e-mail to Delta.
57
00:02:25,888 --> 00:02:28,689
"I have never not screamed
at the top of my lungs
58
00:02:28,724 --> 00:02:32,092
during air pressure changes, and
I do not intend to stop now."
59
00:02:32,128 --> 00:02:33,093
Okay, what was it?
60
00:02:33,129 --> 00:02:34,728
Meg's friends.
61
00:02:34,764 --> 00:02:36,563
They're just so loud
and boring and annoying.
62
00:02:36,599 --> 00:02:39,399
Well, not everybody can be
as fascinating as you, Brian.
63
00:02:39,435 --> 00:02:40,834
Thanks for coming by.
64
00:02:40,870 --> 00:02:42,836
Hey, Brian, Mom
took the car.
65
00:02:42,872 --> 00:02:45,239
Can you give me and my friends
a ride to field hockey practice?
66
00:02:45,274 --> 00:02:49,243
Uh, I'm kind of helping Stewie
with an e-mail to Delta.
67
00:02:49,278 --> 00:02:50,744
Please, Brian.
68
00:02:50,780 --> 00:02:52,746
It would get them
out of the house.
69
00:02:52,782 --> 00:02:54,748
Well, that's true.
And I gotta do something,
70
00:02:54,784 --> 00:02:57,184
'cause they're more annoying
than ants at a picnic.
71
00:02:58,621 --> 00:03:00,053
Would you mind
turning that down?
72
00:03:02,892 --> 00:03:05,259
And you're not supposed
to be grilling.
73
00:03:05,294 --> 00:03:07,995
I know you can
understand me.
74
00:03:12,902 --> 00:03:16,470
So... what, uh, what
do you want to do?
75
00:03:16,505 --> 00:03:17,905
I don't know.
76
00:03:17,940 --> 00:03:19,306
Sucks that we're
stuck here alone.
77
00:03:19,341 --> 00:03:21,742
Wait a minute,
here alone.
78
00:03:21,777 --> 00:03:23,610
You thinking what
I'm thinking?
79
00:03:23,646 --> 00:03:25,445
This was not
what I was thinking.
80
00:03:25,481 --> 00:03:27,314
That's weird, it's not
what I was thinking either.
81
00:03:27,349 --> 00:03:28,916
I don't even know
how it happened.
82
00:03:28,951 --> 00:03:30,918
No, me neither, but this
spaghetti's not half bad.
83
00:03:30,953 --> 00:03:32,953
A "happy mistake,"
we'll call it.
84
00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:37,958
Now what do you
want to do?
85
00:03:37,993 --> 00:03:39,226
Well, we could
watch porn.
86
00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:40,627
Have you heard
of porn?
87
00:03:40,663 --> 00:03:42,062
Is that something
you're aware of?
88
00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:43,997
You have postcards
from France?!
89
00:03:44,033 --> 00:03:45,632
No, no, no, like...
like, on the computer.
90
00:03:45,668 --> 00:03:47,434
There's like tons
and tons of videos
91
00:03:47,469 --> 00:03:48,836
of people doing
it on there.
92
00:03:48,871 --> 00:03:50,270
Wait, l-let me understand:
93
00:03:50,306 --> 00:03:52,673
You want to watch
that with me?
94
00:03:52,708 --> 00:03:54,508
Well, not anymore,
you just made it weird.
95
00:03:54,543 --> 00:03:56,076
But there's other
stuff on there.
96
00:03:56,111 --> 00:03:58,345
You want to see a guy in
a human-sized hamster ball
97
00:03:58,380 --> 00:03:59,346
roll off a mountain?
98
00:03:59,381 --> 00:04:00,814
Uh, yeah.
99
00:04:02,818 --> 00:04:04,618
So this is in Russia?
100
00:04:04,653 --> 00:04:06,453
Somebody's gonna
slow him down, right?
101
00:04:06,488 --> 00:04:07,855
Whoa!
102
00:04:07,890 --> 00:04:09,690
I got
to e-mail that to Babs.
103
00:04:09,725 --> 00:04:10,924
She hates people.
104
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,926
Huh, got a new e-mail here.
105
00:04:12,962 --> 00:04:14,928
And it's from a Nigerian prince.
106
00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:17,764
It says he's got millions
frozen in an account.
107
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:20,767
All he needs is a hundred grand
to pay legal fees,
108
00:04:20,803 --> 00:04:23,670
and then as soon as he gets his
money, I get a million bucks.
109
00:04:23,706 --> 00:04:25,672
Wow, and he must
need it quick,
110
00:04:25,708 --> 00:04:27,674
'cause there was, like, a
bazillion typos in that e-mail.
111
00:04:27,710 --> 00:04:29,109
You got to send
that money.
112
00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:30,944
You think so?
Absolutely.
113
00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:33,347
I mean, can you imagine if
you make a million bucks?
114
00:04:33,382 --> 00:04:35,682
You'll be happier than the
guy on his wedding day.
115
00:04:35,718 --> 00:04:37,117
Thanks, everyone.
116
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:38,518
Good-bye, Mom. Good-bye, Dad.
117
00:04:38,554 --> 00:04:40,354
Good-bye, friends.
Good-bye, free time.
118
00:04:40,389 --> 00:04:43,190
Farewell, sex.
So long, golf on TV.
119
00:04:43,225 --> 00:04:45,025
I'll miss you, privacy.
120
00:04:45,060 --> 00:04:47,461
Good-bye, being honest
about how many beers I've had.
121
00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:49,296
Nice knowing you,
my own choices.
122
00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:50,731
See ya later, money!
123
00:04:55,738 --> 00:04:56,904
Thanks for
the ride, Brian.
124
00:04:56,939 --> 00:04:58,338
Yeah, and thanks
for the lecture
125
00:04:58,374 --> 00:05:00,374
on what real music is,
Mr. Griffin.
126
00:05:02,878 --> 00:05:04,845
Geez, how many Snickers
could they eat
127
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:06,680
in a five-minute car ride?
128
00:05:06,715 --> 00:05:09,383
Ah, crap, somebody left
their gym bag.
129
00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:14,655
God, it would've been real
easy to bring a gun in here.
130
00:05:14,690 --> 00:05:16,957
Where the hell'd they go?
131
00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:21,195
Oh, whoops.
132
00:05:27,603 --> 00:05:29,202
Wow.
133
00:05:32,775 --> 00:05:34,174
Holy crap.
134
00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:35,575
That was Patty.
135
00:05:35,611 --> 00:05:37,344
And she's got
a smokin' hot body.
136
00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:39,413
This is a bigger surprise
than when I found out
137
00:05:39,448 --> 00:05:41,281
Joe was a clown.
138
00:05:43,252 --> 00:05:45,252
I think
that belongs to me.
139
00:05:46,655 --> 00:05:48,622
I'm sorry you had
to find out this way.
140
00:05:48,657 --> 00:05:50,057
Okay.
141
00:05:50,092 --> 00:05:51,892
You won't tell
anyone, will you?
142
00:05:51,927 --> 00:05:52,893
No.
143
00:05:52,928 --> 00:05:55,295
You can tell people.
144
00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:01,735
Hey, so how
was the spa?
145
00:06:01,770 --> 00:06:04,137
Oh, it was fine, though
I don't know why they made us
146
00:06:04,173 --> 00:06:06,573
face each other during
the mother-daughter bikini wax.
147
00:06:06,608 --> 00:06:08,976
Did you two have
a nice afternoon?
148
00:06:09,011 --> 00:06:10,978
Sure did.
I made a million dollars!
149
00:06:11,013 --> 00:06:12,779
What?! How?
150
00:06:12,815 --> 00:06:15,248
Carter sent $100,000
to a Nigerian prince
151
00:06:15,284 --> 00:06:16,950
who's gonna give
him a million.
152
00:06:16,986 --> 00:06:20,053
Oh, Peter, don't tell me
you two fell for that scam.
153
00:06:20,089 --> 00:06:21,455
What? What are you
talking about?
154
00:06:21,490 --> 00:06:23,890
It's the oldest
e-mail scam out there.
155
00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:26,293
Their assets are frozen,
you cover legal fees.
156
00:06:26,328 --> 00:06:28,128
Blah, blah, blah.
157
00:06:28,163 --> 00:06:30,130
Oh, my God, he did say,
"Blah, blah, blah."
158
00:06:30,165 --> 00:06:32,065
You're never getting
that money back.
159
00:06:32,101 --> 00:06:34,468
What?! So that-that money's
just been Josh Hartnett-ed?!
160
00:06:34,503 --> 00:06:35,469
What's that?
161
00:06:35,504 --> 00:06:36,770
Gone! Disappeared!
162
00:06:36,805 --> 00:06:38,071
Never to be
heard from again!
163
00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:40,073
Isn't he in that
Showtime thing
164
00:06:40,109 --> 00:06:41,441
with the blood
and the hats?
165
00:06:41,477 --> 00:06:42,843
Look, the point is
I was swindled.
166
00:06:42,878 --> 00:06:44,277
I guess so.
167
00:06:44,313 --> 00:06:46,279
Well, come on, Mom,
the man was very specific
168
00:06:46,315 --> 00:06:48,315
that we need to go
put lotion on each other.
169
00:06:50,319 --> 00:06:52,119
Geez, I'm really
sorry, Carter.
170
00:06:52,154 --> 00:06:53,587
But at least you
have your health.
171
00:06:55,391 --> 00:06:56,757
Oh...
172
00:06:56,792 --> 00:06:57,958
You know,
this is your fault.
173
00:06:57,993 --> 00:06:59,393
You're the one
who said I should do it!
174
00:06:59,428 --> 00:07:01,261
Mm-hmm, there's
that judgy-ness
175
00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,196
Babs is always calling
me and talking about.
176
00:07:03,232 --> 00:07:05,599
Look, nobody steals
from Carter Pewterschmidt.
177
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,667
I am going to Africa
and getting my money back.
178
00:07:07,703 --> 00:07:09,102
And you're coming with me.
179
00:07:09,138 --> 00:07:11,505
Africa?
We're going to Africa?!
180
00:07:11,540 --> 00:07:13,473
I wonder if it
will change us.
181
00:07:13,509 --> 00:07:15,609
But, of course,
it did change us.
182
00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:19,012
I've been working here for 50
years, pretending I'm a woman.
183
00:07:19,048 --> 00:07:20,814
: Do you ever
regret not having children,
184
00:07:20,849 --> 00:07:22,449
Mother Bernadette?
185
00:07:22,484 --> 00:07:24,785
Oh, I've had many children.
186
00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:27,821
♪ ♪
187
00:07:36,569 --> 00:07:38,135
We now return
188
00:07:38,171 --> 00:07:40,371
to Kevin James Got Too Fat
To Be In Movies.
189
00:07:40,406 --> 00:07:43,374
Kevin James, why'd you have
to come back to television?
190
00:07:43,409 --> 00:07:45,376
I ate Adam Sandler.
191
00:07:45,411 --> 00:07:47,211
Uh, yoo-hoo!
192
00:07:47,246 --> 00:07:49,280
I'm in here
with the pizza.
193
00:07:51,751 --> 00:07:53,717
Okay, time to go to Africa
and get my money back.
194
00:07:53,753 --> 00:07:55,119
Are you ready?
195
00:07:55,154 --> 00:07:57,121
I was born three
months early.
196
00:07:57,156 --> 00:07:58,956
Peter, who's
that at the door?
197
00:07:58,991 --> 00:08:00,958
Oh, just so you know, I didn't
tell Lois where we're going,
198
00:08:00,993 --> 00:08:02,960
and I couldn't be
touched until I was two.
199
00:08:02,995 --> 00:08:04,395
Daddy, what are
you doing here?!
200
00:08:04,430 --> 00:08:05,996
Oh, hey, Lois.
201
00:08:06,032 --> 00:08:07,832
Uh, Carter and I are going away
for the next week or so.
202
00:08:07,867 --> 00:08:09,266
You are? Where?
203
00:08:09,302 --> 00:08:11,669
Oh, uh... we're, uh...
204
00:08:11,704 --> 00:08:13,671
I mean, um...
205
00:08:13,706 --> 00:08:14,672
Pinterest!
206
00:08:14,707 --> 00:08:15,673
Wow, sounds great.
207
00:08:15,708 --> 00:08:16,841
Have fun.
208
00:08:16,876 --> 00:08:18,108
This is getting easier.
209
00:08:18,144 --> 00:08:20,110
Now I just say
daytime-mom words.
210
00:08:20,146 --> 00:08:21,512
Okay, so see you soon,
211
00:08:21,547 --> 00:08:23,347
and... Chablis The View.
212
00:08:23,382 --> 00:08:24,782
Aw, you too,
sweetheart.
213
00:08:24,817 --> 00:08:26,383
Bye.
214
00:08:30,556 --> 00:08:33,257
I'm telling you, you wouldn't
believe Patty's body.
215
00:08:33,292 --> 00:08:36,260
Just, uh, a tiny waist,
firm butt, great rack.
216
00:08:36,295 --> 00:08:38,095
♪ She's in high school. ♪
217
00:08:38,130 --> 00:08:39,930
I know, and she's
in high school.
218
00:08:39,966 --> 00:08:41,131
It's, like,
7:00 a.m., dude.
219
00:08:41,167 --> 00:08:42,333
Calm down.
220
00:08:42,368 --> 00:08:44,335
Meg, hey, how's it going?
221
00:08:44,370 --> 00:08:45,636
Uh, hey, Brian.
222
00:08:45,671 --> 00:08:46,770
Cool, that's
great to hear.
223
00:08:46,806 --> 00:08:47,806
Hey, where's Patty?
224
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:48,806
Oh, I don't know.
225
00:08:48,841 --> 00:08:50,174
Probably at her house?
226
00:08:50,209 --> 00:08:52,009
You're
hilarious, Meg.
227
00:08:52,044 --> 00:08:54,445
Hey, so, uh, what kind of movies
do you and your friends like?
228
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:55,846
Well, Ruth likes...
Not her.
229
00:08:55,882 --> 00:08:57,281
Esther likes...
Not her.
230
00:08:57,316 --> 00:08:58,549
I like...
Patty, just Patty.
231
00:08:58,584 --> 00:09:00,551
Oh, she loves anything
232
00:09:00,586 --> 00:09:02,987
where a teenage girl
is sick and dies of cancer.
233
00:09:03,022 --> 00:09:05,389
Or any movie where
a character is named Patty.
234
00:09:05,424 --> 00:09:07,491
Ugh, she loses
her mind for that.
235
00:09:07,527 --> 00:09:10,528
Well, okay, Miss Chatterbox,
you better get off to school.
236
00:09:11,931 --> 00:09:14,331
Wow, you're really
obsessed with Patty.
237
00:09:14,367 --> 00:09:16,834
You want her even more than
I wanted the new iPhone.
238
00:09:16,869 --> 00:09:18,469
How's it going?
Good.
239
00:09:18,504 --> 00:09:19,870
Just looking forward to
getting that new phone.
240
00:09:19,906 --> 00:09:20,871
What are you
talking about?
241
00:09:20,907 --> 00:09:22,306
This isn't
the Apple store.
242
00:09:22,341 --> 00:09:23,707
This is
a super-gay club.
243
00:09:23,743 --> 00:09:26,143
Yeah, right, I leave
and you get my phone.
244
00:09:26,178 --> 00:09:28,345
Nice try, cutie pie.
245
00:09:28,381 --> 00:09:30,381
♪ ♪
246
00:09:43,229 --> 00:09:46,196
Wow, there's so much
wildlife in Africa.
247
00:09:46,232 --> 00:09:48,198
You know, they say there's
some animal species here
248
00:09:48,234 --> 00:09:49,600
that haven't even
been discovered yet.
249
00:09:49,635 --> 00:09:51,035
Is that right?
250
00:09:51,070 --> 00:09:52,870
Yes, that is right.
251
00:09:52,905 --> 00:09:54,805
Oh, my God,
look over there!
252
00:09:57,310 --> 00:09:59,109
That African warlord
is brutalizing
253
00:09:59,145 --> 00:10:00,945
those innocent people.
Yeah, but it's okay,
254
00:10:00,980 --> 00:10:02,780
because he's wearing
a large cowboy hat
255
00:10:02,815 --> 00:10:04,615
and follows everything
with "hamburger,"
256
00:10:04,650 --> 00:10:06,617
like that stand-up
comic from the '90s.
257
00:10:06,652 --> 00:10:10,588
We are going to force all these
young boys to be child soldiers.
258
00:10:10,623 --> 00:10:12,423
Hamburger.
259
00:10:13,659 --> 00:10:15,459
After 18 hours in the mines,
260
00:10:15,494 --> 00:10:17,461
we are going to check
your butts for diamonds.
261
00:10:17,496 --> 00:10:19,096
Hamburger.
262
00:10:19,131 --> 00:10:20,397
I get it.
263
00:10:20,433 --> 00:10:21,398
If you do not work
264
00:10:21,434 --> 00:10:22,399
on my rubber plantation,
265
00:10:22,435 --> 00:10:24,368
I will burn your tongues.
266
00:10:24,403 --> 00:10:25,703
Oh, my God!
267
00:10:25,738 --> 00:10:27,104
Hamburger.
268
00:10:28,574 --> 00:10:29,540
Ah, I found him.
269
00:10:29,575 --> 00:10:31,542
Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones.
270
00:10:31,577 --> 00:10:34,445
He made it to YouTube.
Must be filthy rich.
271
00:10:38,918 --> 00:10:40,284
Oh, my God!
272
00:10:40,319 --> 00:10:42,286
I didn't expect to
see you guys here.
273
00:10:42,321 --> 00:10:44,722
So teenagers know
about the mall, too?
274
00:10:44,757 --> 00:10:46,090
Know what
about the mall?
275
00:10:46,125 --> 00:10:47,091
Yeah, right?
276
00:10:47,126 --> 00:10:49,093
Boy, the day I'm having.
277
00:10:49,128 --> 00:10:50,928
I actually made
one too many Build-a-Bears
278
00:10:50,963 --> 00:10:52,329
for the cancer kids.
279
00:10:52,365 --> 00:10:54,498
If only I could build
a cure, huh?
280
00:10:54,533 --> 00:10:56,734
Aw...
Hey, you know what, Patty?
281
00:10:56,769 --> 00:10:58,302
Why don't you take
the extra one?
282
00:10:58,337 --> 00:10:59,637
Wow, thanks, Brian.
283
00:10:59,672 --> 00:11:00,904
Yeah, that's cool, Brian.
284
00:11:00,940 --> 00:11:02,406
Will you buy me a hat at Lids?
285
00:11:02,441 --> 00:11:03,907
No. You know, Patty,
286
00:11:03,943 --> 00:11:06,143
I've got $7.50 left
on my Panda Express card
287
00:11:06,178 --> 00:11:07,845
if you want to split
a three-item combo.
288
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:09,246
No drink.
Sure!
289
00:11:09,281 --> 00:11:12,016
Well, then, hop on board
the Panda Express!
290
00:11:12,051 --> 00:11:14,118
In bed, right?
291
00:11:14,153 --> 00:11:16,520
Like-like with the fortune
cookies, you know...
292
00:11:16,555 --> 00:11:18,822
Brian, can I talk
to you for a second?
293
00:11:18,858 --> 00:11:20,658
What the hell
is going on?
294
00:11:20,693 --> 00:11:22,359
You're hitting on Patty
and it's gross.
295
00:11:22,395 --> 00:11:23,627
She's 18!
296
00:11:23,663 --> 00:11:25,462
Stop it!
Me?
297
00:11:25,498 --> 00:11:27,264
Meg, I am not even
going to dignify that
298
00:11:27,299 --> 00:11:28,866
with a mall erection.
299
00:11:28,901 --> 00:11:31,101
Don't...
don't look down.
300
00:11:36,709 --> 00:11:38,809
Well, we made it.
301
00:11:38,844 --> 00:11:40,711
East Bola.
302
00:11:40,746 --> 00:11:44,882
All right, let's find our
"prince" and get my money back.
303
00:11:44,917 --> 00:11:46,150
Get down!
304
00:11:46,185 --> 00:11:47,551
On the ground!
305
00:11:47,586 --> 00:11:48,819
This is unacceptable.
306
00:11:48,854 --> 00:11:50,688
I demand to speak
to Anthony Anderson.
307
00:11:55,594 --> 00:11:57,394
Okay, hold on.
Shoot me if you must,
308
00:11:57,430 --> 00:11:59,663
but it is imperative
that I answer this call.
309
00:12:01,801 --> 00:12:03,300
Yello?
310
00:12:03,335 --> 00:12:04,868
Yes, this is Peter Griffin.
311
00:12:04,904 --> 00:12:08,205
Yes, I did call you about the
eight-piece lawn croquet set.
312
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:11,008
Now, it says "weathered,"
just how weathered is it?
313
00:12:11,043 --> 00:12:14,011
Yeah, go ahead and send me
a pic, that'd be very helpful.
314
00:12:15,281 --> 00:12:16,880
Sir, shoot me if you must,
315
00:12:16,916 --> 00:12:19,483
but it is imperative
that I look at these pictures.
316
00:12:25,853 --> 00:12:27,085
The hell with this.
317
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:28,220
I'm getting my money back
318
00:12:28,255 --> 00:12:29,655
if it's the last
thing I do.
319
00:12:29,690 --> 00:12:31,557
Hey, here's the guys.
320
00:12:31,592 --> 00:12:33,592
Who are you
and why are you here?
321
00:12:33,627 --> 00:12:35,060
I'm Carter Pewterschmidt,
322
00:12:35,095 --> 00:12:36,862
and I'm here because
you stole my money!
323
00:12:36,897 --> 00:12:39,198
You?
You are Carter Pewterschmidt?
324
00:12:39,233 --> 00:12:40,499
You're damn right I am!
325
00:12:40,534 --> 00:12:41,867
Oh! It's him!
326
00:12:41,902 --> 00:12:44,069
It's the Great Father
Pewterschmidt!
327
00:12:44,104 --> 00:12:46,438
What's happening?
What's he talking about?
328
00:12:46,473 --> 00:12:48,507
You are a great hero to us.
329
00:12:48,542 --> 00:12:50,242
It is with the money
that you sent
330
00:12:50,277 --> 00:12:51,877
that we have been able to make
331
00:12:51,912 --> 00:12:53,946
many wonderful improvements
to our village.
332
00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:56,114
And he used my computer.
333
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,450
I'm Griff, by the way,
that's what everybody calls me.
334
00:12:58,485 --> 00:13:00,619
That's not true.
Nobody calls him that.
335
00:13:03,390 --> 00:13:05,958
It was your money that
paid for the school,
336
00:13:05,993 --> 00:13:08,594
a well to provide
clean drinking water,
337
00:13:08,629 --> 00:13:10,796
our first health clinic,
338
00:13:10,831 --> 00:13:13,398
and a Redbox with
one movie in it.
339
00:13:13,434 --> 00:13:14,867
It's Baby Geniuses.
340
00:13:14,902 --> 00:13:16,835
Which I, personally,
could begin watching
341
00:13:16,871 --> 00:13:18,904
at any point in the film
and enjoy from there.
342
00:13:18,939 --> 00:13:20,772
Oh, yeah, that's how
I feel about that video
343
00:13:20,808 --> 00:13:22,474
of Kelsey Grammer
fallin' off the stage.
344
00:13:22,509 --> 00:13:23,809
I don't understand.
345
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:25,577
So there never was
a Nigerian prince?
346
00:13:25,613 --> 00:13:29,381
No. You see, no one will
actually give money to Africa
347
00:13:29,416 --> 00:13:30,949
unless they are tricked into it.
348
00:13:30,985 --> 00:13:32,718
So again, we thank you
349
00:13:32,753 --> 00:13:34,620
for your generosity,
Father Pewterschmidt.
350
00:13:34,655 --> 00:13:36,121
Well, I hope you enjoyed it...
351
00:13:36,156 --> 00:13:37,389
'cause I'm taking it all back.
352
00:13:37,424 --> 00:13:38,156
What?
What?
353
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,324
You heard me!
354
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:40,592
Nobody steals
from Carter Pewterschmidt
355
00:13:40,628 --> 00:13:41,827
and gets away with it!
356
00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:43,395
Carter, why you
bein' so mean?
357
00:13:43,430 --> 00:13:44,630
The money's spent.
358
00:13:44,665 --> 00:13:46,632
And look how happy
you made these people.
359
00:13:46,667 --> 00:13:48,734
Talk to me--
it's your buddy Griff.
360
00:13:48,769 --> 00:13:50,335
Tear it all down! Now.
361
00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:52,304
Or I'm canceling Kwanzaa.
362
00:13:52,339 --> 00:13:53,572
What is Kwanzaa?
363
00:13:53,607 --> 00:13:55,507
Ah!
I knew it wasn't real!
364
00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:00,612
Hey, there, babe.
365
00:14:00,648 --> 00:14:01,847
Hey, Brian.
366
00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:03,282
You ready?
367
00:14:03,317 --> 00:14:05,150
Got the Smash Mouth
cued up in the Pri.
368
00:14:05,185 --> 00:14:06,425
Brian, what are you doing here?
369
00:14:06,453 --> 00:14:08,320
I'm here to
pick up Patty.
370
00:14:08,355 --> 00:14:10,355
We're going to see a movie
called Brittany Finds a Lump.
371
00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:12,357
You're parked in
Mr. Tackleman's space.
372
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:13,959
You're going on a date
with Patty?
373
00:14:13,994 --> 00:14:15,427
I told you to back off.
374
00:14:15,462 --> 00:14:17,429
And since when
do you wear high-tops?
375
00:14:17,464 --> 00:14:18,430
What, my kicks?
376
00:14:18,465 --> 00:14:19,665
Ah, it's nothin'.
377
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:21,099
I just use these
for Instagram.
378
00:14:21,135 --> 00:14:22,334
That's something I like!
379
00:14:22,369 --> 00:14:23,602
Ah, shut up, Esther!
380
00:14:23,637 --> 00:14:25,337
All right, we're out of here.
381
00:14:25,372 --> 00:14:27,806
Feel free to use the seat
warmer, keep that box hot.
382
00:14:29,310 --> 00:14:31,476
♪ Somebody once told me ♪
383
00:14:31,512 --> 00:14:33,378
♪ The world is gonna... ♪
384
00:14:40,888 --> 00:14:43,155
Geez, I can't believe you're
going through with this, Carter.
385
00:14:43,190 --> 00:14:45,157
Paying these thugs
to tear down the village
386
00:14:45,192 --> 00:14:46,391
isn't gonna bring
your money back.
387
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:48,026
This isn't about the money.
388
00:14:48,062 --> 00:14:50,395
This is payback for Sammy
Davis dating Kim Novak.
389
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,431
Oh, come on, Carter,
don't do this.
390
00:14:52,466 --> 00:14:54,399
You don't want to be
the first white guy
391
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:55,634
to do something
bad to Africa.
392
00:14:55,669 --> 00:14:56,969
Are you about done?
393
00:14:57,004 --> 00:14:58,203
I'm supposed to go
lion shooting
394
00:14:58,238 --> 00:14:59,805
with a scumbag dentist.
395
00:15:03,610 --> 00:15:06,345
Oh, my God, they're even taking
down the mosquito netting.
396
00:15:09,216 --> 00:15:12,050
♪ Buzz, buzz, buzz. ♪
397
00:15:13,687 --> 00:15:15,487
No, Carter, I can't
let you do this!
398
00:15:15,522 --> 00:15:16,922
I won't stand by
399
00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:18,757
and let you further ruin
this terrible place!
400
00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:20,325
Oh, is that right?
401
00:15:20,361 --> 00:15:22,060
Yes, that is right.
402
00:15:22,096 --> 00:15:23,762
Here's 5,000 bucks.
403
00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:25,063
Lock up that fat-ass.
404
00:15:30,604 --> 00:15:33,071
Damn it, this sucks.
405
00:15:33,107 --> 00:15:34,773
I may never get out of here.
406
00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:37,843
Well, as a man
falsely imprisoned in Africa,
407
00:15:37,878 --> 00:15:40,579
I have no choice but to write
a memoir of my struggles.
408
00:15:40,614 --> 00:15:42,881
"Chapter One:
409
00:15:42,916 --> 00:15:46,284
"Harry Potter's aunt and uncle
were super mean.
410
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:49,721
"'Spank me harder,' the lady
says to Fifty Shades of Grey.
411
00:15:49,757 --> 00:15:52,257
"'That's Mr. Fifty
Shades of Grey
412
00:15:52,292 --> 00:15:54,059
"to you,
Kate from Ben and Kate.'
413
00:15:54,094 --> 00:15:56,228
"And then he turned her butt
inside out.
414
00:15:56,263 --> 00:15:58,196
Because, sexy."
415
00:15:58,232 --> 00:16:00,932
"'Isn't that special,'
said the Church Lady,
416
00:16:00,968 --> 00:16:03,235
"before reporting
for her botched surgery.
417
00:16:03,270 --> 00:16:05,604
"Anyway, I'm here in a prison
against my will,
418
00:16:05,639 --> 00:16:06,872
"and I should be free.
419
00:16:06,907 --> 00:16:09,374
The end."
420
00:16:09,410 --> 00:16:10,942
Take this, Cheebo.
421
00:16:10,978 --> 00:16:13,045
Take this to a French-Canadian
flight attendant.
422
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,247
And he will give it
to everybody.
423
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:27,893
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
424
00:16:27,928 --> 00:16:30,462
Our top story:
sinking newscaster.
425
00:16:31,665 --> 00:16:33,398
Just kidding, it's the chair.
426
00:16:33,434 --> 00:16:36,501
But, in other news, domestic
abuse enthusiast Paul Simon
427
00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:39,104
has released a new song
inspired by a memoir
428
00:16:39,139 --> 00:16:41,440
written by Quahog's
own Peter Griffin,
429
00:16:41,475 --> 00:16:43,842
who has been falsely imprisoned
by his father-in-law
430
00:16:43,877 --> 00:16:45,310
in an African jail.
431
00:16:45,345 --> 00:16:47,446
Oh, for God's sake.
432
00:16:47,481 --> 00:16:50,449
I bet there's not one word
about you in that book.
433
00:16:54,354 --> 00:16:56,254
Wow, what a beautiful night.
434
00:16:56,290 --> 00:16:58,090
Yeah.
435
00:16:58,125 --> 00:17:00,592
Hey, I wonder if any of those
stars are wishing on us, huh?
436
00:17:00,627 --> 00:17:02,594
You're so deep.
437
00:17:02,629 --> 00:17:04,529
I betcha you're
pretty deep, too.
438
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:07,432
Aw, you're so sweet.
439
00:17:07,468 --> 00:17:09,434
Why are you so nice to me?
440
00:17:09,470 --> 00:17:11,169
Most guys never give me
the time of day
441
00:17:11,205 --> 00:17:12,804
because I'm so plain-looking.
442
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,473
Well, I'm not
like most guys.
443
00:17:14,508 --> 00:17:15,974
I can see past
that sweater.
444
00:17:16,009 --> 00:17:17,442
Speaking of which,
445
00:17:17,478 --> 00:17:19,158
why don't we get rid
of that big old thing?
446
00:17:20,314 --> 00:17:21,513
Brian, stop!
447
00:17:21,548 --> 00:17:23,215
You don't have
to do this, Patty.
448
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,950
Brian's just taking
advantage of you.
449
00:17:24,985 --> 00:17:26,451
What? That's crazy!
450
00:17:26,487 --> 00:17:28,553
What?
Why would he do that?
451
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,522
Because you have
an amazing body.
452
00:17:30,557 --> 00:17:31,790
I do?
453
00:17:31,825 --> 00:17:33,291
But... you're always saying
454
00:17:33,327 --> 00:17:35,794
dumpy girls like us
only have each other.
455
00:17:35,829 --> 00:17:37,362
You're not dumpy.
456
00:17:37,397 --> 00:17:38,897
I was just saying that
457
00:17:38,932 --> 00:17:40,298
because I was worried
you'd become popular
458
00:17:40,334 --> 00:17:42,000
and not want to be friends
with us anymore.
459
00:17:42,035 --> 00:17:43,835
Meg, I'm $18
into this evening,
460
00:17:43,871 --> 00:17:45,470
so can you maybe
just get out of here?
461
00:17:45,506 --> 00:17:46,872
Meg, that's silly.
462
00:17:46,907 --> 00:17:48,740
I'll always be your friend.
463
00:17:48,775 --> 00:17:50,342
You promise?
464
00:17:50,377 --> 00:17:52,677
♪ ♪
465
00:17:56,950 --> 00:17:59,384
Oh, come on, what the hell?
466
00:17:59,419 --> 00:18:00,652
Bummer.
467
00:18:00,687 --> 00:18:02,187
He's never gonna
get to hit that.
468
00:18:02,222 --> 00:18:04,156
I know. That's exactly
what I wished for.
469
00:18:04,191 --> 00:18:07,726
Well, I actually wished
for it 30,000 years ago.
470
00:18:07,761 --> 00:18:09,761
♪ ♪
471
00:18:12,432 --> 00:18:13,765
It's true.
472
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,367
Even at the speed of light,
473
00:18:15,402 --> 00:18:17,536
mean-spirited thoughts
from the stars
474
00:18:17,571 --> 00:18:19,938
can take thousands or
even millions of years
475
00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:22,507
to reach the Earth.
476
00:18:22,543 --> 00:18:24,943
Ham-burger.
477
00:18:30,551 --> 00:18:32,918
♪ There's a great man
locked up in a cell ♪
478
00:18:32,953 --> 00:18:35,420
♪ The African folks
all know him well ♪
479
00:18:35,455 --> 00:18:37,856
♪ He's a great spirit
with a lot to say ♪
480
00:18:37,891 --> 00:18:40,425
♪ That's why they locked
Peter Griffin away ♪
481
00:18:40,460 --> 00:18:43,061
♪ There's a breeze
that's in the air ♪
482
00:18:43,096 --> 00:18:45,797
♪ Peter Griffin in my hair ♪
483
00:18:45,832 --> 00:18:48,099
♪ Peter Griffin up my nose ♪
484
00:18:48,135 --> 00:18:50,769
♪ In my lungs
and down to my toes ♪
485
00:18:50,804 --> 00:18:53,271
♪ Peter Griffin in my skin ♪
486
00:18:53,307 --> 00:18:55,473
♪ Everybody breathe him in ♪
487
00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:58,076
♪ Peter Griffin ♪
488
00:18:58,111 --> 00:19:00,478
♪ Freedom for Peter Griffin ♪
489
00:19:00,514 --> 00:19:02,981
♪ Peter Griffin ♪
490
00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:06,117
♪ Let my Peter go. ♪
491
00:19:06,153 --> 00:19:07,586
Now wait, let me
get this straight:
492
00:19:07,621 --> 00:19:09,888
none of you guys has
ever heard of Bono?
493
00:19:09,923 --> 00:19:11,122
He says he knows you.
494
00:19:11,158 --> 00:19:12,991
Daddy! What the hell
are you doing?
495
00:19:13,026 --> 00:19:14,593
You threw Peter in jail?
496
00:19:14,628 --> 00:19:16,728
Hey, Pumpkin, welcome!
497
00:19:16,763 --> 00:19:18,830
Whatever you do, don't tell
them you have a clitoris.
498
00:19:18,865 --> 00:19:20,665
Yeah, they told me
that at the embassy.
499
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,500
Look, I'm sorry
you got swindled,
500
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:24,669
but you can't treat
people this way.
501
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:27,005
You let Peter out of
that jail right now.
502
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,340
And give these
people back
503
00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:29,815
their health clinic
and their school.
504
00:19:29,843 --> 00:19:31,076
No.
505
00:19:31,111 --> 00:19:33,078
Hi, Lois!
I like your shorts!
506
00:19:33,113 --> 00:19:34,479
Bye, Lois!
507
00:19:34,514 --> 00:19:35,780
Oh, my God!
508
00:19:35,816 --> 00:19:37,015
Enough is enough!
509
00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:38,283
That's your son-in-law!
510
00:19:38,318 --> 00:19:39,484
And my husband!
511
00:19:39,519 --> 00:19:42,053
I know how
families work, Lois.
512
00:19:42,089 --> 00:19:44,089
All right.
Let him go.
513
00:19:44,124 --> 00:19:46,124
Yay!
514
00:19:46,159 --> 00:19:47,392
Lois, how much was your flight
515
00:19:47,427 --> 00:19:48,793
and which card
did you put it on?
516
00:19:48,829 --> 00:19:50,996
Daddy, I don't
understand any of this.
517
00:19:51,031 --> 00:19:52,897
I mean, you've
always been grouchy,
518
00:19:52,933 --> 00:19:55,433
but why are you being
so mean-spirited?
519
00:19:55,469 --> 00:19:57,168
What's gotten into you?
520
00:19:57,204 --> 00:19:59,604
What's gotten into me?
I'm angry!
521
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,206
For God's sake, I can't
even be left alone
522
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:02,841
in my own house
for an afternoon.
523
00:20:02,876 --> 00:20:04,643
You have to drop me
off at your house
524
00:20:04,678 --> 00:20:06,711
so this fat idiot
can babysit me!
525
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:08,546
I'm old and it sucks!
526
00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:10,448
I'm sorry, Daddy.
527
00:20:10,484 --> 00:20:12,617
I realize growing old is no fun,
528
00:20:12,653 --> 00:20:14,686
but this is no way to act.
529
00:20:14,721 --> 00:20:16,054
I know.
530
00:20:16,089 --> 00:20:18,123
I'm sorry I almost had you shot.
531
00:20:18,158 --> 00:20:19,357
Oh, that's all right.
532
00:20:19,393 --> 00:20:20,892
I got a fever
of a 108.
533
00:20:20,927 --> 00:20:22,627
I'm not gonna
remember any of this.
534
00:20:22,663 --> 00:20:25,030
And I'm sorry for what
I did to your village, Dave.
535
00:20:25,065 --> 00:20:26,298
His name is "Dave"?
536
00:20:26,333 --> 00:20:28,700
Yeah. Get to know
these people, okay?
537
00:20:28,735 --> 00:20:30,835
Listen, when I get home,
I'll transfer enough money
538
00:20:30,871 --> 00:20:32,470
so you can rebuild your town.
539
00:20:32,506 --> 00:20:34,172
You've all been very kind.
540
00:20:34,207 --> 00:20:35,573
Yeah, this has been great, guys.
541
00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:37,309
Now all I need is a group photo
542
00:20:37,344 --> 00:20:39,010
of me kneeling
in the front of the village,
543
00:20:39,046 --> 00:20:41,112
so I can brag about
what a good person I am.
544
00:20:51,782 --> 00:20:58,282
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man