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00:00:00,561 --> 00:00:03,849
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:03,949 --> 00:00:07,017
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,052 --> 00:00:10,754
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,789 --> 00:00:13,757
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,792 --> 00:00:17,127
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,162 --> 00:00:20,597
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,632 --> 00:00:21,965
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:23,967
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,002 --> 00:00:25,054
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:25,055 --> 00:00:29,055
♪ Family Guy 14x11 ♪
The Peanut Butter Kid
Original Air Date on January 10, 2016
11
00:00:29,056 --> 00:00:33,556
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:33,557 --> 00:00:35,378
We now return to Wes Anderson's
13
00:00:35,414 --> 00:00:38,482
Pan Up, Pan Down,
French Song, The End.
14
00:00:41,854 --> 00:00:44,187
♪ Viens, suis-moi ♪
15
00:00:44,223 --> 00:00:45,989
♪ Je connais une route... ♪
16
00:00:46,024 --> 00:00:47,891
Wow, that was amazing, I think!
17
00:00:47,926 --> 00:00:49,626
All right, everyone,
18
00:00:49,661 --> 00:00:51,294
it's time to open up
our bank statements.
19
00:00:51,330 --> 00:00:53,663
Let's gather
'round for prayer.
20
00:00:53,699 --> 00:00:55,966
Hey, God, it's the Griffins.
21
00:00:56,001 --> 00:00:57,667
Again, we're very sorry
22
00:00:57,703 --> 00:00:59,136
we cyber-bullied
that girl to death.
23
00:00:59,171 --> 00:01:01,004
But we still want a snowmobile.
24
00:01:01,039 --> 00:01:02,572
Today, though,
please let there be money
25
00:01:02,608 --> 00:01:03,907
in our bank account.
26
00:01:03,942 --> 00:01:05,509
Amen. Amen.
Amen. Amen.
27
00:01:06,745 --> 00:01:08,044
Damn it.
It didn't work.
28
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:09,579
We're still poor.
29
00:01:09,615 --> 00:01:12,249
Peter, every month our savings
get smaller and smaller.
30
00:01:12,284 --> 00:01:14,084
We really gotta
figure out a better way
31
00:01:14,119 --> 00:01:15,519
to budget for this
family's future.
32
00:01:15,554 --> 00:01:16,753
Bitcoin.
33
00:01:16,789 --> 00:01:18,021
What?
I don't know.
34
00:01:18,056 --> 00:01:19,422
This is serious.
35
00:01:19,458 --> 00:01:21,358
We need to think
about our kids' education.
36
00:01:21,393 --> 00:01:24,161
Of course, it's already too late
for Meg to go to college.
37
00:01:24,196 --> 00:01:26,530
And Chris is too dumb
to get in anywhere.
38
00:01:26,565 --> 00:01:27,731
Yay!
39
00:01:27,766 --> 00:01:29,032
No, Chris.
Not yay.
40
00:01:29,067 --> 00:01:31,067
But there's still
time for Stewie.
41
00:01:31,103 --> 00:01:33,236
Let's sit down later
and see if we can figure out
42
00:01:33,272 --> 00:01:35,038
a plan to get our
finances in order.
43
00:01:35,073 --> 00:01:36,439
Eh, don't worry
about it, Lois.
44
00:01:36,475 --> 00:01:38,208
I will always provide
for the family.
45
00:01:38,243 --> 00:01:40,110
Even if I have to
shoot our dinner.
46
00:01:43,649 --> 00:01:45,882
This will look great
in my study.
47
00:01:45,918 --> 00:01:47,684
I'm a hunter,
48
00:01:47,719 --> 00:01:49,953
but I'm a silly hunter.
49
00:01:58,664 --> 00:02:00,063
Hey, don't fill up on that.
50
00:02:00,098 --> 00:02:01,531
We got breakfast coming.
51
00:02:01,567 --> 00:02:03,867
Hey, Peter, I think
I figured out one way
52
00:02:03,902 --> 00:02:05,635
we can save money
for Stewie's college.
53
00:02:05,671 --> 00:02:08,371
If we bundle our cable
and Internet together,
54
00:02:08,407 --> 00:02:10,707
we can save
$14 a month.
55
00:02:10,742 --> 00:02:13,076
No! Bundling is
a sign of defeat!
56
00:02:13,111 --> 00:02:14,911
Plus, I figured out
something better.
57
00:02:14,947 --> 00:02:17,214
A metal detector.
What?
58
00:02:17,249 --> 00:02:19,316
Yeah, it combines two of
America's greatest resources:
59
00:02:19,351 --> 00:02:20,584
garbage and luck.
60
00:02:20,619 --> 00:02:21,818
That's stupid,
Peter.
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00:02:21,854 --> 00:02:23,386
Ah, you're just
saying that
62
00:02:23,422 --> 00:02:25,155
because the battery it uses
causes bladder cancer.
63
00:02:25,190 --> 00:02:26,556
Well, then, I'm off.
64
00:02:26,592 --> 00:02:28,558
I shall be at the beach
looking for valuables
65
00:02:28,594 --> 00:02:30,460
and occasionally using
a doorless bathroom.
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00:02:30,495 --> 00:02:31,962
Good day, madam.
67
00:02:35,901 --> 00:02:39,035
We now return to
The Awkward Stepdad Show.
68
00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:41,671
Man, your mom's
a real groaner.
69
00:02:41,707 --> 00:02:43,440
Do you hear that
in your room?
70
00:02:43,475 --> 00:02:46,243
Hey, Dad,
where are you going?
71
00:02:46,278 --> 00:02:48,378
Well, Meg, now that
I'm a metal detector guy,
72
00:02:48,413 --> 00:02:50,947
I gotta start eating breakfast
at on-the-sand cafes,
73
00:02:50,983 --> 00:02:52,582
where I will
judge tourists
74
00:02:52,618 --> 00:02:54,618
as my skin browns
and hardens.
75
00:02:54,653 --> 00:02:56,419
Stop throwin' your kid's diapers
76
00:02:56,455 --> 00:02:58,889
in the trash
with all the soda cans!
77
00:03:02,561 --> 00:03:05,061
Hey, Lois, check out what
I found with my metal detector.
78
00:03:06,732 --> 00:03:09,032
Are those... are
those Purple Hearts?
79
00:03:09,067 --> 00:03:10,907
Yeah, some idiot buried,
like, a hundred of 'em
80
00:03:10,936 --> 00:03:12,602
in this big lawn
under these bone cages.
81
00:03:12,638 --> 00:03:14,104
Peter!
82
00:03:14,139 --> 00:03:16,706
I think you desecrated
a military graveyard!
83
00:03:16,742 --> 00:03:18,375
Hey, guys, like four jeeps
84
00:03:18,410 --> 00:03:19,943
just drove up
onto our front yard.
85
00:03:19,978 --> 00:03:21,444
They must be here
for the medals!
86
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,380
Maybe. Or it could be
because of my
87
00:03:23,415 --> 00:03:25,749
"I'm Gonna Barf
on the White House" blog.
88
00:03:32,324 --> 00:03:35,091
Ah, sweet!
89
00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:36,927
Huh.
90
00:03:36,962 --> 00:03:39,482
Wonder what happens if I turn it
on and point 'em at each other.
91
00:03:42,467 --> 00:03:43,900
Oh, my God!
92
00:03:43,936 --> 00:03:46,503
Did you also call
into a talk show
93
00:03:46,538 --> 00:03:49,239
without turning down
your radio first?
94
00:03:52,311 --> 00:03:54,144
Jackpot.
95
00:03:54,179 --> 00:03:55,679
Wow, an iPad!
96
00:03:55,714 --> 00:03:56,947
This thing finds
everything!
97
00:03:56,982 --> 00:03:58,949
Engagement ring!
98
00:03:58,984 --> 00:04:00,784
Family locket!
99
00:04:00,819 --> 00:04:02,786
Sunglasses that are an upgrade
100
00:04:02,821 --> 00:04:05,121
- over my current pair!
- There he is!
101
00:04:05,157 --> 00:04:07,958
There's the guy who's been
stealing everyone's stuff!
102
00:04:07,993 --> 00:04:10,527
Don't yell at me,
I'm very sunburned!
103
00:04:10,562 --> 00:04:13,964
Go, crappy car, go!
104
00:04:17,202 --> 00:04:20,437
Peter, did you rob
a bunch of people
105
00:04:20,472 --> 00:04:22,172
on the beach
with your metal detector?
106
00:04:22,207 --> 00:04:23,773
Well, that's only
half the story.
107
00:04:23,809 --> 00:04:25,842
I also hooted at a lady
who was breastfeeding.
108
00:04:25,877 --> 00:04:28,211
I want you to get rid of
that metal detector.
109
00:04:28,246 --> 00:04:30,013
All you're doing is
getting into trouble
110
00:04:30,048 --> 00:04:32,015
and digging up junk
when we really need
111
00:04:32,050 --> 00:04:33,683
to be saving
for Stewie's college.
112
00:04:33,719 --> 00:04:35,352
Tomorrow we are
going to the mall
113
00:04:35,387 --> 00:04:37,153
and returning that
thing to the store.
114
00:04:37,189 --> 00:04:38,822
Okay, fine.
115
00:04:38,857 --> 00:04:41,291
But you should know, the day
I bought this metal detector
116
00:04:41,326 --> 00:04:43,693
was the happiest
day of my life.
117
00:04:43,729 --> 00:04:46,663
Well, obviously,
the second happiest.
118
00:04:46,698 --> 00:04:50,667
♪ Now we gonna do this thing
a little different tonight ♪
119
00:04:52,371 --> 00:04:57,507
♪ You gonna come over,
pick me up in your ride ♪
120
00:04:57,542 --> 00:05:00,010
Oh, my God, I wasn't even
supposed to be here.
121
00:05:00,045 --> 00:05:02,145
I passed out at the Tom Petty
concert last night
122
00:05:02,180 --> 00:05:03,480
and just stayed.
123
00:05:03,515 --> 00:05:06,216
♪ You're gonna open my door ♪
124
00:05:06,251 --> 00:05:09,719
♪ And I'm gonna reach over
and open yours ♪
125
00:05:09,755 --> 00:05:12,889
♪ Gonna pay for dinner,
take me to see a movie ♪
126
00:05:12,924 --> 00:05:16,092
♪ And whisper in my ear how bad
you really want to do me... ♪
127
00:05:16,128 --> 00:05:18,028
Please, go slow.
128
00:05:18,063 --> 00:05:19,963
I have IBS.
129
00:05:24,536 --> 00:05:26,269
Well, I'm glad
the store was willing
130
00:05:26,304 --> 00:05:27,837
to take that
metal detector back.
131
00:05:27,873 --> 00:05:29,239
All right, let's go
to the food court.
132
00:05:29,274 --> 00:05:31,074
I love eating
Panda Express
133
00:05:31,109 --> 00:05:33,176
while squeezin' our purchases
between our knees
134
00:05:33,211 --> 00:05:34,577
'cause someone
might grab 'em.
135
00:05:34,613 --> 00:05:36,679
God, the mall sucks,
doesn't it, kids?
136
00:05:36,715 --> 00:05:38,515
If I had a credit card,
I'd shop online.
137
00:05:38,550 --> 00:05:40,050
Oh, hey, Bonnie.
138
00:05:40,085 --> 00:05:41,451
What are you guys
doing here?
139
00:05:41,486 --> 00:05:42,786
Oh, hey, Lois.
140
00:05:42,821 --> 00:05:44,788
We saw an ad
looking for a toddler
141
00:05:44,823 --> 00:05:46,589
to appear in a peanut
butter commercial
142
00:05:46,625 --> 00:05:48,925
and we thought
we'd bring Susie.
143
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,594
Joe, are you wearing a corsage?
Yeah.
144
00:05:51,630 --> 00:05:53,630
You can get a really good deal
on them after prom season.
145
00:05:53,665 --> 00:05:54,898
They're for girls, Joe.
146
00:05:54,933 --> 00:05:56,433
Hey, Peter,
147
00:05:56,468 --> 00:05:59,369
why don't you let me do me,
and you do you, okay?
148
00:05:59,404 --> 00:06:01,071
Peanut butter commercial, huh?
149
00:06:01,106 --> 00:06:02,739
Hey, Bri, maybe
you should audition.
150
00:06:02,774 --> 00:06:04,941
You know, because of that
one time you got in the trash
151
00:06:04,976 --> 00:06:06,943
and ate a whole jar of
recalled peanut butter?
152
00:06:06,978 --> 00:06:08,578
It wasn't peanut butter.
153
00:06:08,613 --> 00:06:10,380
It was that pre-mixed peanut
butter and jelly thing.
154
00:06:10,415 --> 00:06:11,915
Oh, Mom bought that?
155
00:06:11,950 --> 00:06:14,617
That's what the scab kid
at school always has!
156
00:06:14,653 --> 00:06:16,386
That was really great, Jake.
157
00:06:16,421 --> 00:06:17,620
Really, really great.
158
00:06:17,656 --> 00:06:19,322
Your face is upside-down,
159
00:06:19,357 --> 00:06:21,558
so we're not gonna pick you,
but thanks for coming.
160
00:06:21,593 --> 00:06:23,226
Hey. Hey.
This is you.
161
00:06:23,261 --> 00:06:24,461
"I'm Brian.
162
00:06:24,496 --> 00:06:26,229
"I like garbage
peanut butter,
163
00:06:26,264 --> 00:06:29,099
and I wear my 'I Voted' sticker
for a week and a half."
164
00:06:29,134 --> 00:06:30,333
Num-num-num-num-num-
num-num-num-num!
165
00:06:31,636 --> 00:06:33,103
I'm sorry, we're looking for
166
00:06:33,138 --> 00:06:34,504
more of a
"Num-num-num-num-num-num-num."
167
00:06:34,539 --> 00:06:37,140
Bob, look over there!
168
00:06:37,175 --> 00:06:39,476
Num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-
num-num-num-num-num!
169
00:06:41,255 --> 00:06:42,488
Whose kid is that?
170
00:06:42,523 --> 00:06:44,323
Oh, that's our son, Stewie.
171
00:06:44,359 --> 00:06:45,758
He's adorable!
172
00:06:45,793 --> 00:06:47,693
And exactly what
we're looking for!
173
00:06:47,729 --> 00:06:51,430
Congratulations, your son
is the new peanut butter kid!
174
00:06:51,466 --> 00:06:53,432
My God, I don't believe it!
175
00:06:53,468 --> 00:06:55,067
That's so cool!
176
00:06:55,103 --> 00:06:57,103
Hey, what's Dad doing
over there with Chris?
177
00:06:57,138 --> 00:07:00,039
Oh, he's telling him that he's
no longer his favorite son.
178
00:07:03,411 --> 00:07:05,077
No!
179
00:07:05,113 --> 00:07:07,880
No, Daddy!
180
00:07:07,915 --> 00:07:11,250
Daddy!
181
00:07:11,285 --> 00:07:13,185
Daddy...
182
00:07:20,228 --> 00:07:22,194
I didn't even tell him.
183
00:07:22,230 --> 00:07:24,063
He just does not
like to be touched.
184
00:07:29,144 --> 00:07:30,911
Thanks for coming
to the viewing party
185
00:07:30,946 --> 00:07:33,013
for Stewie's commercial,
everybody.
186
00:07:33,048 --> 00:07:35,916
We're sorry that it's
airing during 2 Broke Girls,
187
00:07:35,951 --> 00:07:37,818
but we have no
control over that.
188
00:07:37,853 --> 00:07:39,853
Thanks for coming to
my big night, Brian.
189
00:07:39,889 --> 00:07:42,823
I see you got all dressed up
in your exposed wiener.
190
00:07:42,858 --> 00:07:44,958
Quiet, everybody!
Here it comes!
191
00:07:46,996 --> 00:07:48,962
Welcome home, honey!
192
00:07:49,965 --> 00:07:51,498
There's my family!
193
00:07:51,534 --> 00:07:53,534
H-Hey, wait,
where's the baby?
194
00:07:53,569 --> 00:07:56,103
Well, he likes
his hero dad,
195
00:07:56,138 --> 00:07:58,639
but he loves
Scooter's Peanut Butter.
196
00:07:58,674 --> 00:08:02,276
Num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-
num-num-num-num-num-num-num!
197
00:08:02,311 --> 00:08:03,844
Scooter's Peanut Butter.
198
00:08:03,879 --> 00:08:05,712
So good, your baby
will want to eat it
199
00:08:05,748 --> 00:08:07,814
in an airport terminal
bathroom.
200
00:08:09,318 --> 00:08:11,552
He's a baby
who did a baby thing.
201
00:08:11,587 --> 00:08:13,186
Let's all calm down
a little.
202
00:08:13,222 --> 00:08:15,489
Wow, I can't believe
Stewie's a commercial star.
203
00:08:15,524 --> 00:08:17,391
We haven't had a
celebrity in the family
204
00:08:17,426 --> 00:08:19,893
since my great-aunt,
Queen of Burlesque Griffin.
205
00:08:21,196 --> 00:08:22,729
♪ Cheesy jokes ♪
206
00:08:22,765 --> 00:08:25,566
♪ And ugly broads ♪
207
00:08:25,601 --> 00:08:27,534
♪ Way back when ♪
208
00:08:27,570 --> 00:08:29,836
♪ They had no porn ♪
209
00:08:29,872 --> 00:08:31,338
♪ Just scarves ♪
210
00:08:31,373 --> 00:08:32,739
♪ Fans ♪
211
00:08:32,775 --> 00:08:34,074
♪ Fat ♪
212
00:08:34,109 --> 00:08:35,342
♪ Gross ♪
213
00:08:35,377 --> 00:08:37,744
♪ A terrible time ♪
214
00:08:37,780 --> 00:08:40,547
♪ For your penis to live in... ♪
215
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,688
Bill. Bill. Bill.
216
00:08:47,723 --> 00:08:50,324
Weird magazine about
our town that's just ads.
217
00:08:50,359 --> 00:08:52,526
Hmm, this one's for Stewie.
218
00:08:52,561 --> 00:08:55,228
Whoa, a check for $2,000?
219
00:08:55,264 --> 00:08:56,897
Let me see that.
220
00:08:56,932 --> 00:08:59,700
It's a royalty check
from Stewie's commercial.
221
00:08:59,735 --> 00:09:02,102
Apparently, he gets paid
every time it airs.
222
00:09:02,137 --> 00:09:03,737
This is great.
223
00:09:03,772 --> 00:09:06,039
We can put it right into
Stewie's college fund.
224
00:09:06,075 --> 00:09:08,008
Yeah, yeah,
but, you know,
225
00:09:08,043 --> 00:09:09,910
maybe we should keep
a little bit out to celebrate.
226
00:09:09,945 --> 00:09:11,678
I mean, I ain't
done nothin' fancy
227
00:09:11,714 --> 00:09:13,680
since I bought
those rich guy socks.
228
00:09:13,716 --> 00:09:15,349
Ah, there.
229
00:09:15,384 --> 00:09:18,552
I'm ready to get caught
cheating with my secretary.
230
00:09:18,587 --> 00:09:21,121
♪ ♪
231
00:09:23,826 --> 00:09:25,392
Welcome, folks.
232
00:09:25,427 --> 00:09:27,427
Would you like flat
or sparkling water to start?
233
00:09:27,463 --> 00:09:28,695
Garden hose
will be fine.
234
00:09:28,731 --> 00:09:31,031
We prefer it to be hot
and then metal-y.
235
00:09:31,066 --> 00:09:32,466
Actually, Peter,
236
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:34,401
let's go for the
sparkling water.
237
00:09:34,436 --> 00:09:35,936
I mean, we are
celebrating
238
00:09:35,971 --> 00:09:38,572
our little commercial
star and his big payday.
239
00:09:38,607 --> 00:09:40,807
Oh, I don't care
about that, ma'am.
240
00:09:40,843 --> 00:09:42,476
You know, this is
a nice dinner and all,
241
00:09:42,511 --> 00:09:44,311
but I thought you guys
were going to save
242
00:09:44,346 --> 00:09:46,313
this commercial money
for Stewie's college fund.
243
00:09:46,348 --> 00:09:48,482
We are saving it, Brian.
244
00:09:48,517 --> 00:09:50,250
This is just
a little celebration.
245
00:09:50,285 --> 00:09:52,419
The rest of it is going
right in the bank.
246
00:09:52,454 --> 00:09:53,954
Yeah, and besides,
it's been a while
247
00:09:53,989 --> 00:09:55,889
since we ate at a place
where if you ask for ketchup,
248
00:09:55,924 --> 00:09:57,124
they look at you
like you're dirt.
249
00:09:57,159 --> 00:09:58,792
You know, Stewie
actually got a call
250
00:09:58,827 --> 00:10:00,227
for another
commercial tomorrow.
251
00:10:00,262 --> 00:10:01,928
Who knows?
252
00:10:01,964 --> 00:10:04,097
This could be the beginning
of a nice career for him.
253
00:10:04,133 --> 00:10:05,599
You sure about this, Lois?
254
00:10:05,634 --> 00:10:07,434
I mean... I mean,
the world of child acting
255
00:10:07,469 --> 00:10:09,336
can be a pretty bad
environment for a kid.
256
00:10:09,371 --> 00:10:11,338
Maybe we should just
let Stewie's childhood
257
00:10:11,373 --> 00:10:12,806
be about being a child.
258
00:10:12,841 --> 00:10:14,808
Wasn't your kid an actor,
you jagoff?
259
00:10:14,843 --> 00:10:16,510
Didn't your father
hate your guts and die?
260
00:10:16,545 --> 00:10:17,778
Whoa!
261
00:10:17,813 --> 00:10:19,279
Bring a gun to a knife fight.
262
00:10:19,314 --> 00:10:20,681
Look, I-I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
263
00:10:20,716 --> 00:10:22,249
All I'm saying is,
264
00:10:22,284 --> 00:10:24,117
just try to keep Stewie's
best interests in mind.
265
00:10:24,153 --> 00:10:25,519
Relax, Brian.
266
00:10:25,554 --> 00:10:27,020
Stewie's fine.
I mean, look at him.
267
00:10:27,056 --> 00:10:29,156
He's happier than
a sunny-side-up egg.
268
00:10:29,191 --> 00:10:31,158
What a great way
to start the day.
269
00:10:31,193 --> 00:10:33,994
What a pan, what a grill.
270
00:10:34,029 --> 00:10:35,829
Oh no, I'm at Denny's.
271
00:10:35,864 --> 00:10:38,265
Hey, I'm a drug addict
and it's midnight--
272
00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:39,666
where's my breakfast?!
273
00:10:39,702 --> 00:10:41,501
Help, he's only
gonna eat the toast
274
00:10:41,537 --> 00:10:43,537
and put a cigarette out on me.
275
00:10:47,009 --> 00:10:49,376
Okay, Stewie, you booked
the last commercial
276
00:10:49,411 --> 00:10:52,212
without even trying, so this
one should be a piece of cake.
277
00:10:54,483 --> 00:10:57,851
Oh, I guess there are other
people auditioning, too.
278
00:10:57,886 --> 00:11:01,288
Oh, is your child up for the
cough syrup commercial, too?
279
00:11:01,323 --> 00:11:03,290
You'd have no way
of knowing this,
280
00:11:03,325 --> 00:11:05,292
but the moms tend
to dress up.
281
00:11:05,327 --> 00:11:07,294
Oh, thank you.
282
00:11:07,329 --> 00:11:09,129
And you'd have
no way of knowing
283
00:11:09,164 --> 00:11:10,964
that my son is the
Scooter's Peanut Butter Kid.
284
00:11:10,999 --> 00:11:12,966
That's cute.
285
00:11:13,001 --> 00:11:16,369
My son had a gun waved in
his face in a Dexter episode.
286
00:11:16,405 --> 00:11:18,805
Are you guys talking
about your kids?
287
00:11:18,841 --> 00:11:21,541
My daughter is the American
Apparel slut baby.
288
00:11:22,811 --> 00:11:26,480
My son got crapped on
in the last Jackass movie.
289
00:11:26,515 --> 00:11:29,483
God, everyone here
is so talented.
290
00:11:29,518 --> 00:11:31,885
Hi, everybody, we're
a little crunched for time,
291
00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:33,720
so we're gonna have
to audition people
292
00:11:33,756 --> 00:11:35,055
right here
in the hallway.
293
00:11:35,090 --> 00:11:36,490
You, do something
exceptional.
294
00:11:36,525 --> 00:11:38,391
Uh, okay.
295
00:11:43,866 --> 00:11:45,665
Ow! Ow.
296
00:11:45,701 --> 00:11:47,067
Oh, my grundle.
297
00:11:47,102 --> 00:11:48,068
It's bruised.
298
00:11:48,103 --> 00:11:49,503
It's bruised bad.
299
00:11:49,538 --> 00:11:51,338
Oh, okay, I'm out, I'm out.
300
00:11:51,373 --> 00:11:52,739
Tappin' out.
301
00:11:52,775 --> 00:11:55,175
Well, that was
a disaster.
302
00:11:55,210 --> 00:11:57,177
It was humiliating
is what it was.
303
00:11:57,212 --> 00:11:58,578
That woman just smiled
304
00:11:58,614 --> 00:12:00,580
when Stewie banged
his balls on the floor.
305
00:12:00,616 --> 00:12:02,582
A damn disaster.
306
00:12:02,618 --> 00:12:04,584
Num-num-num-num-num-
num-num-num-num?
307
00:12:04,620 --> 00:12:06,353
Shut up,
that's over!
308
00:12:06,388 --> 00:12:07,554
Did you see those other kids?
309
00:12:07,589 --> 00:12:08,755
They were amazing.
310
00:12:08,791 --> 00:12:10,190
One of them was texting
311
00:12:10,225 --> 00:12:12,025
with the funny-dumb kid
from Modern Family.
312
00:12:12,060 --> 00:12:13,593
I want to text with that kid.
313
00:12:13,629 --> 00:12:15,428
Holy Christmas, there were
a lot of hot moms
314
00:12:15,464 --> 00:12:17,097
in yoga pants in there though.
315
00:12:17,132 --> 00:12:19,933
Dear me, they're really
disappointed in me, Rupert.
316
00:12:19,968 --> 00:12:21,768
I haven't seen
the fat man this upset
317
00:12:21,804 --> 00:12:23,637
since he went
to the 9/11 museum.
318
00:12:23,672 --> 00:12:25,639
Lois made us do this,
319
00:12:25,674 --> 00:12:28,742
but I wanted to go to the
Central Park merry-go-round.
320
00:12:28,777 --> 00:12:31,111
We had time to do both!
321
00:12:35,584 --> 00:12:38,118
What the hell?
322
00:12:40,055 --> 00:12:42,055
♪ ♪
323
00:12:50,465 --> 00:12:52,432
Okay, that's great, that's
great, that's great.
324
00:12:52,467 --> 00:12:54,267
Just one question,
Stewie--
325
00:12:54,303 --> 00:12:56,670
do you get pleasure out of
humiliating your family?
326
00:12:56,705 --> 00:12:59,105
Yeah, is there some kind
of sick joy in it?
327
00:12:59,141 --> 00:13:00,941
Why can't he just
be Pierce Brosnan?
328
00:13:00,976 --> 00:13:02,242
Pierce Brosnan
would've got this.
329
00:13:02,277 --> 00:13:03,243
In a heartbeat!
330
00:13:03,278 --> 00:13:04,511
It's 3:00
in the morning.
331
00:13:04,546 --> 00:13:05,946
What the hell
are you guys doing?
332
00:13:05,981 --> 00:13:08,148
What does it look like?
We're practicing.
333
00:13:08,183 --> 00:13:09,783
Stewie has another
audition tomorrow,
334
00:13:09,818 --> 00:13:11,685
and we're not gonna be
embarrassed like we were today.
335
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,120
See, this is the kind
of thing I was talking about.
336
00:13:14,156 --> 00:13:15,856
And look at him,
he can barely stand up.
337
00:13:15,891 --> 00:13:18,792
That's why I made this--
I call it "8 Hour Energy."
338
00:13:18,827 --> 00:13:21,428
It's one part 5-Hour Energy,
and the other three hours are
339
00:13:21,463 --> 00:13:23,029
espresso, Scotts
Turf Builder,
340
00:13:23,065 --> 00:13:26,032
and a tiny, tiny super-small
amount of cocaine.
341
00:13:26,068 --> 00:13:27,500
Just a little bit.
342
00:13:27,536 --> 00:13:29,936
I can't stress the
littleness of it enough.
343
00:13:31,807 --> 00:13:34,174
Whoa, mama,
there's a kick like a mule!
344
00:13:34,209 --> 00:13:37,177
♪ Who will buy
this wonderful morning ♪
345
00:13:37,212 --> 00:13:39,613
♪ Such a sky
you never did see. ♪
346
00:13:39,648 --> 00:13:41,448
There he is,
there's the magic.
347
00:13:41,483 --> 00:13:42,849
Peter, you're giving
your baby drugs
348
00:13:42,885 --> 00:13:44,284
to improve
his acting career?
349
00:13:44,319 --> 00:13:45,685
Oh, he's fine
with it.
350
00:13:45,721 --> 00:13:46,686
Stewie, if you're
fine with it,
351
00:13:46,722 --> 00:13:49,122
bleed from the nose.
352
00:13:49,157 --> 00:13:51,024
I think that's
pretty close.
353
00:13:59,304 --> 00:14:01,671
All right, Stewie, now remember
what we practiced last night.
354
00:14:01,706 --> 00:14:03,673
And here's a trick
to keep that confidence up.
355
00:14:03,708 --> 00:14:05,108
You go in that room
356
00:14:05,143 --> 00:14:07,510
and imagine everyone in it
wants you sexually.
357
00:14:07,545 --> 00:14:10,513
I'm doing it right now,
and I feel powerful.
358
00:14:10,548 --> 00:14:11,948
Okay.
359
00:14:11,983 --> 00:14:13,950
And don't forget--
if you screw this up,
360
00:14:13,985 --> 00:14:15,910
Mommy's gonna kill
all of your toys.
361
00:14:15,934 --> 00:14:16,821
Okay.
362
00:14:16,821 --> 00:14:19,288
All right, now I'm gonna go
psych out these other kids.
363
00:14:19,324 --> 00:14:20,690
Hey, little guy.
364
00:14:20,725 --> 00:14:21,691
Nervous?
365
00:14:21,726 --> 00:14:23,126
Sure you are.
366
00:14:23,161 --> 00:14:24,527
Here's something
that might help you.
367
00:14:26,564 --> 00:14:28,197
Hey, little guy.
368
00:14:28,233 --> 00:14:29,399
Stewie Griffin?
369
00:14:29,434 --> 00:14:30,633
Oh, right here.
370
00:14:30,668 --> 00:14:32,035
Peter, he
needs a boost.
371
00:14:32,070 --> 00:14:33,770
Give him some of
the acting soup.
372
00:14:36,207 --> 00:14:38,608
I want to say curse words!
373
00:14:40,745 --> 00:14:43,146
Okay, Stewie, you're just
gonna drink this juice,
374
00:14:43,181 --> 00:14:45,982
then say, "Mmm,"
and rub your belly.
375
00:14:46,017 --> 00:14:47,017
Yeah, yeah,
you got it.
376
00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:50,219
Yeah! Bye, juice!
377
00:14:50,255 --> 00:14:51,654
That was amazing.
378
00:14:51,689 --> 00:14:53,056
I've got goosebumps.
379
00:14:53,091 --> 00:14:54,657
I want him
sexually.
380
00:14:54,692 --> 00:14:57,193
Well, Mom, Dad,
381
00:14:57,228 --> 00:14:59,495
I think we've got our
new orange juice boy.
382
00:14:59,531 --> 00:15:01,497
Does this guy really
think we're his parents?
383
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:02,899
Stewie got the part?!
384
00:15:02,934 --> 00:15:04,333
Yes!
385
00:15:04,369 --> 00:15:07,370
That is how
you do it.
386
00:15:12,710 --> 00:15:14,277
Oh, hey, Brian.
What's going on?
387
00:15:14,312 --> 00:15:15,278
Where's the fridge?
388
00:15:15,313 --> 00:15:16,679
Oh, we got a new one.
389
00:15:16,714 --> 00:15:18,514
Stewie booked that
orange juice commercial,
390
00:15:18,550 --> 00:15:20,917
so we thought we'd make a few
upgrades around the house.
391
00:15:20,952 --> 00:15:23,920
Yeah, I even bought an awesome
voice-activated 3-D printer.
392
00:15:23,955 --> 00:15:25,855
Why the hell do you
need a 3-D printer?
393
00:15:25,890 --> 00:15:27,256
Print coyote.
394
00:15:32,730 --> 00:15:34,097
Hey, what,
hey, no, no, no!
395
00:15:34,132 --> 00:15:36,065
Heel, heel, heel!
396
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:37,300
I can't make him
attack you, Brian,
397
00:15:37,335 --> 00:15:38,534
but if I keep
printing them,
398
00:15:38,570 --> 00:15:40,069
eventually one will
go after you.
399
00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:41,904
That money is supposed to
be for Stewie's college.
400
00:15:41,940 --> 00:15:44,740
He's an actor, you idiot--
he doesn't need college.
401
00:15:44,776 --> 00:15:47,577
Look, I-I just don't think any
of this is good for Stewie.
402
00:15:47,612 --> 00:15:48,978
It's great for Stewie.
403
00:15:49,013 --> 00:15:50,213
He's becoming a star.
404
00:15:50,248 --> 00:15:52,215
That's right.
405
00:15:52,250 --> 00:15:55,084
Man, this must be what it's like
to be Anne Hathaway's parents.
406
00:15:56,654 --> 00:15:58,454
Oh, that's Anne's car.
407
00:15:58,490 --> 00:15:59,922
Ugh.
408
00:16:02,961 --> 00:16:04,427
Hey, Stewie, can
I talk to you?
409
00:16:04,462 --> 00:16:05,928
What are you doing?
410
00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:07,597
I don't know.
411
00:16:07,632 --> 00:16:10,933
Mom and Dad just, uh, stuck
a book on my head and-and left.
412
00:16:10,969 --> 00:16:12,935
Stewie, look at you,
you're a wreck.
413
00:16:12,971 --> 00:16:15,338
And for what? So Peter and Lois
can spend the money you earned
414
00:16:15,373 --> 00:16:16,772
on crap they
don't even need?
415
00:16:16,808 --> 00:16:19,175
Uh, I'm not supposed
to use my voice
416
00:16:19,210 --> 00:16:21,010
for non-paying
stuff, Brian.
417
00:16:21,045 --> 00:16:22,845
This is insane--
you've got to stop.
418
00:16:22,881 --> 00:16:25,681
Ugh, stop worrying,
I'm fine.
419
00:16:25,717 --> 00:16:28,117
And besides, the fat man
knows what he's doing.
420
00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:29,519
No, he doesn't,
he's an idiot.
421
00:16:29,554 --> 00:16:30,994
Remember? He couldn't
even figure out
422
00:16:31,022 --> 00:16:32,989
how to use a hotel
business center.
423
00:16:33,024 --> 00:16:35,825
So what business
are you in?
424
00:16:35,860 --> 00:16:37,827
Oh, I'm just here to look
at other people's e-mails
425
00:16:37,862 --> 00:16:40,263
who haven't logged out.
And how's business?
426
00:16:40,298 --> 00:16:43,266
Well, I've left some pretty wild
replies on a bunch of Evites.
427
00:16:43,301 --> 00:16:46,269
Look at this-- I'm
bringing 53 guests.
428
00:16:46,304 --> 00:16:49,872
You're the coolest guy I've ever
met in one of these things.
429
00:16:55,013 --> 00:16:56,379
Oh, hey.
430
00:16:56,414 --> 00:16:58,214
You caught me
pigging out.
431
00:16:58,249 --> 00:17:00,216
I'm dipping this celery
stalk into some lemon water.
432
00:17:00,251 --> 00:17:02,051
But don't freak out.
433
00:17:02,086 --> 00:17:04,053
I'm just gonna smell it and
then throw it in the trash.
434
00:17:04,088 --> 00:17:05,888
Stewie, this has
gotten out of control.
435
00:17:05,924 --> 00:17:07,723
If you're gonna
continue on this path,
436
00:17:07,759 --> 00:17:09,559
you need to know
what your future holds.
437
00:17:09,594 --> 00:17:11,994
Being a child actor
almost never ends well.
438
00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:13,829
You remember that kid
from A Christmas Story
439
00:17:13,865 --> 00:17:15,231
who got his tongue
stuck to that pole?
440
00:17:15,266 --> 00:17:16,666
Yeah, whatever
happened to him?
441
00:17:16,701 --> 00:17:18,067
I'll tell you
what happened to him.
442
00:17:18,102 --> 00:17:19,502
He did porn.
443
00:17:19,537 --> 00:17:21,337
Boner from Growing Pains? Dead.
444
00:17:21,372 --> 00:17:23,339
Screech from
Saved by the Bell? Porn.
445
00:17:23,374 --> 00:17:24,740
Corey Haim? Dead.
446
00:17:24,776 --> 00:17:27,076
Dana Plato? Porn, then dead.
447
00:17:27,111 --> 00:17:28,878
Oh, no, this is horrible.
448
00:17:28,913 --> 00:17:31,314
You see, Stewie, there are
tons of actors like this.
449
00:17:31,349 --> 00:17:33,316
They all started out
just like you,
450
00:17:33,351 --> 00:17:34,717
but eventually
they were destroyed
451
00:17:34,752 --> 00:17:36,552
by their parents'
greed, drugs
452
00:17:36,588 --> 00:17:37,987
or perverted
Hollywood directors.
453
00:17:38,022 --> 00:17:39,388
Oh, like Bryan Singer.
454
00:17:39,424 --> 00:17:42,225
Exactly. The point is
it's a dark path.
455
00:17:42,260 --> 00:17:44,660
My God, I had no idea
it could be so bad.
456
00:17:44,696 --> 00:17:46,495
Brian, I don't want
to act anymore.
457
00:17:46,531 --> 00:17:49,498
Good. Now we just got to make
Peter and Lois understand.
458
00:17:49,534 --> 00:17:51,500
Yes, well, if they want
to make me into a monster
459
00:17:51,536 --> 00:17:54,337
like those people, we'll
give 'em a monster.
460
00:17:54,372 --> 00:17:56,539
Like when Godzilla
attacked Haiti.
461
00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:02,712
Oh, my God.
462
00:18:13,424 --> 00:18:15,391
Peter, did you
get my text?
463
00:18:15,426 --> 00:18:17,793
No, hold on.
464
00:18:17,829 --> 00:18:19,795
No, I don't know
what he's doing here.
465
00:18:19,831 --> 00:18:22,231
Okay, Stewie, when Barbara
hands you that orange juice,
466
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:24,066
you're gonna drink it
and smile.
467
00:18:24,102 --> 00:18:26,469
And really show us that
energy from your audition.
468
00:18:26,504 --> 00:18:28,471
H-Hold on a second,
he's got a smudge on his face.
469
00:18:28,506 --> 00:18:30,039
Let me just take care
of that for you guys.
470
00:18:30,074 --> 00:18:31,440
Here, drink this.
471
00:18:31,476 --> 00:18:32,875
I threw a little Molly
in there, too,
472
00:18:32,910 --> 00:18:34,310
so we'll go out
clubbing afterwards.
473
00:18:38,983 --> 00:18:40,383
Hey, you want this?
474
00:18:40,418 --> 00:18:41,784
Sure, I'll
drink anything.
475
00:18:41,819 --> 00:18:43,419
All right, action!
476
00:18:43,454 --> 00:18:46,822
As a mom, I want my kids
to start their day right.
477
00:18:46,858 --> 00:18:48,824
And there's no better way
than with a glass
478
00:18:48,860 --> 00:18:51,260
of fresh-squeezed
Sunnydale Orange Juice.
479
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:52,662
Isn't that right,
sweetie?
480
00:18:52,697 --> 00:18:54,497
Shut your hole, bitch!
481
00:18:54,532 --> 00:18:56,499
I'll tell you what I want
fresh-squeezed-- these.
482
00:18:57,969 --> 00:18:59,335
What the hell's
he doing?
483
00:18:59,370 --> 00:19:00,803
He's blowing this.
484
00:19:00,838 --> 00:19:04,240
Oh, here's what I think
of this orange juice.
485
00:19:07,278 --> 00:19:10,246
I-I can't... I can't go right
now with everybody watching.
486
00:19:10,281 --> 00:19:13,949
But-but I presume you understand
the disrespect I intended.
487
00:19:13,985 --> 00:19:15,951
Oh, my God, he's
having a meltdown.
488
00:19:15,987 --> 00:19:17,353
You don't suppose this
has anything to do
489
00:19:17,388 --> 00:19:19,355
with the sleep deprivation
and narcotics?
490
00:19:19,390 --> 00:19:22,191
Oh, Peter, what have
we been thinking?
491
00:19:22,226 --> 00:19:25,194
It's us-- we're the ones
who turned him into this.
492
00:19:25,229 --> 00:19:27,496
Get this kid out of here!
He's fired.
493
00:19:28,533 --> 00:19:29,932
Well done.
494
00:19:29,967 --> 00:19:31,334
Not a bad performance.
495
00:19:31,369 --> 00:19:32,768
Thank you, Brian, I...
496
00:19:32,804 --> 00:19:33,769
Uh, there's the poop.
497
00:19:33,805 --> 00:19:34,770
Right now.
498
00:19:34,806 --> 00:19:36,172
Oh, Stewie.
499
00:19:36,207 --> 00:19:38,174
Mommy and Daddy
are so sorry.
500
00:19:38,209 --> 00:19:41,010
I-I guess we just got
too caught up in your success
501
00:19:41,045 --> 00:19:43,012
and forgot that you're
just a baby.
502
00:19:43,047 --> 00:19:44,447
You were
right, Brian.
503
00:19:44,482 --> 00:19:46,849
I guess we pushed Stewie
a little too hard.
504
00:19:46,884 --> 00:19:48,851
Well, the good news is
that now he can go back
505
00:19:48,886 --> 00:19:50,853
to being a regular kid.
506
00:19:50,888 --> 00:19:52,855
♪ ♪
507
00:19:52,890 --> 00:19:54,857
Why are you winking at
our baby, you creep?
508
00:19:54,892 --> 00:19:56,659
God, that's weird.
509
00:19:56,694 --> 00:19:58,527
I don't want to ever
see that happen again.
510
00:20:02,633 --> 00:20:05,601
Well, we went a little crazy
there, didn't we, Peter?
511
00:20:05,636 --> 00:20:07,002
But I'm glad we have
512
00:20:07,038 --> 00:20:09,772
our normal, very average,
non-famous baby back.
513
00:20:09,807 --> 00:20:11,607
You know, I was once
a very famous baby.
514
00:20:11,642 --> 00:20:13,209
Were you, Peter?
515
00:20:13,244 --> 00:20:15,444
No, but you see how easy
it is for me to lie to you?
516
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,146
I do it every day.
517
00:20:17,181 --> 00:20:19,548
Anyway, looks like everything
worked out for the best.
518
00:20:19,584 --> 00:20:21,584
You know, Brian, that acting
stuff was a bit much for me,
519
00:20:21,619 --> 00:20:24,220
but I did quite enjoy
the dancing and the cocaine.
520
00:20:24,255 --> 00:20:26,055
Yeah?
Yep.
521
00:20:26,090 --> 00:20:27,890
So you're just gonna be a
dancer and a drug addict?
522
00:20:27,925 --> 00:20:30,326
For a while. I might
crash when I'm 18,
523
00:20:30,361 --> 00:20:32,728
but then I'll just turn
to the Lord and working out.
524
00:20:32,764 --> 00:20:37,266
I'll-I'll just be a 180 degree
different type of insufferable.
525
00:20:37,301 --> 00:20:39,268
I used to need drugs
to feel powerful,
526
00:20:39,303 --> 00:20:41,704
but now my power comes
from my core strength.
527
00:20:41,739 --> 00:20:43,539
And let's look at that
word, "strength."
528
00:20:43,574 --> 00:20:45,541
The "S" stands
for sacrifice.
529
00:20:45,576 --> 00:20:47,343
No gain without
sacrifice.
530
00:20:47,378 --> 00:20:50,513
The "T," of course, stands for
the sufferings of the cross.
531
00:20:50,548 --> 00:20:52,314
The "R"...
You want some cocaine?
532
00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:54,950
Oh, my God, please, yes!
That's all I want all the time!
533
00:20:54,974 --> 00:21:01,474
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man