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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,933 --> 00:00:07,035
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,069 --> 00:00:10,739
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,773 --> 00:00:13,742
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 14x08 ♪
Brokeback Swanson
Original Air Date on December 6, 2015
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00:00:27,902 --> 00:00:34,102
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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It's that time of year again.
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00:00:36,068 --> 00:00:38,425
Are you a New England dirtbag
who wants to run with bulls,
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00:00:38,449 --> 00:00:40,097
but thinks Spain is gay?
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00:00:40,585 --> 00:00:42,861
Then don't miss
the Seriously Wicked Bull Run
16
00:00:42,885 --> 00:00:44,444
in South Attleboro, Mass!
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00:00:44,468 --> 00:00:47,171
You and your friends can run
from a bunch live bulls,
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00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:49,778
and lots of times, there's a
chick whose boob comes out.
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00:00:49,978 --> 00:00:51,739
Order your tickets
before it too late!
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00:00:55,053 --> 00:00:56,137
Toilets limited.
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00:00:56,161 --> 00:00:57,910
Wow, that seems
pretty cool.
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00:00:57,934 --> 00:01:00,140
Nah, I don't know.
Seems pretty lame to me.
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00:01:00,164 --> 00:01:01,537
Yeah, waste of time.
24
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:02,304
I agree.
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00:01:02,318 --> 00:01:03,592
Hey Joe,
isn't this your round?
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00:01:03,616 --> 00:01:05,130
Sure.
I'll wheel over to the bar
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00:01:05,154 --> 00:01:06,166
and bring back your beers
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00:01:06,190 --> 00:01:07,673
one by one in my lap.
29
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:10,498
You guys, we are
so doing that bull run.
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00:01:10,598 --> 00:01:12,245
Buying the tickets as we speak!
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00:01:12,269 --> 00:01:13,163
But we can't tell Joe.
32
00:01:13,187 --> 00:01:14,847
Of course not,
he'll be dead weight.
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00:01:14,848 --> 00:01:16,882
You can't do a bull run
with a guy in a wheelchair.
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00:01:16,917 --> 00:01:19,351
Yeah, this is for athletes.
35
00:01:24,725 --> 00:01:27,025
Just the regular wash, please.
36
00:01:27,060 --> 00:01:30,061
And, uh, I'm supposed to mention
that I saw you on LivingSocial?
37
00:01:30,097 --> 00:01:31,263
Was that worth it?
38
00:01:31,298 --> 00:01:33,298
Was that worth the
one dollar you saved?
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00:01:33,333 --> 00:01:35,734
I'm sorry, we're not doing
that promotion anymore.
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00:01:35,769 --> 00:01:36,835
Oh-ho!
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00:01:36,870 --> 00:01:40,205
All the humiliation,
none of the reward.
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00:01:43,343 --> 00:01:46,645
You know, some people are okay
with the drive-through car wash.
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00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,047
Me, I'm a fan of the hand job.
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00:01:49,082 --> 00:01:50,215
Hi, I'm Brian.
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00:01:50,250 --> 00:01:51,883
Yes, I like to have fun
with language.
46
00:01:51,919 --> 00:01:53,885
You're so funny.
47
00:01:53,921 --> 00:01:55,153
I'm Tori.
48
00:01:55,189 --> 00:01:56,555
I got hit by a car
in high school,
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00:01:56,590 --> 00:01:57,956
so I don't have to work.
50
00:01:57,991 --> 00:02:00,225
Cool. Hey, so what's
your afternoon like?
51
00:02:00,260 --> 00:02:01,526
I don't have plans.
52
00:02:01,562 --> 00:02:04,296
Maybe we could grab lunch
and then see what happens.
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00:02:04,331 --> 00:02:06,431
This will not end well.
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00:02:06,466 --> 00:02:08,466
Like eating an artichoke.
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00:02:08,502 --> 00:02:09,835
Good Lord!
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00:02:09,870 --> 00:02:12,971
I ate nothing and I'm
soaking wet for some reason.
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00:02:16,643 --> 00:02:18,577
So, you guys all pumped
to run with the bulls?
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00:02:18,612 --> 00:02:20,579
You bet, this is gonna be
my first exercise
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00:02:20,614 --> 00:02:22,581
since I chased that balloon.
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00:02:22,616 --> 00:02:23,815
Hey, what's going on?
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00:02:23,851 --> 00:02:24,950
Hey, Joe.
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00:02:24,985 --> 00:02:27,085
We are competing...
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00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:30,655
in the international Chef
Boyardee look-alike contest.
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00:02:30,691 --> 00:02:32,657
Oh, well,
where's your chef hat?
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00:02:32,693 --> 00:02:34,025
You guys are gonna lose.
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00:02:34,061 --> 00:02:35,460
Especially Cleveland.
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00:02:35,495 --> 00:02:36,928
He's in the Cream of Wheat
competition,
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00:02:36,964 --> 00:02:38,396
which is down the street.
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00:02:38,432 --> 00:02:39,965
We-we got to go now.
We're very late.
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00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,300
Well, this is funny, because...
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00:02:42,336 --> 00:02:43,969
guess where I'm going.
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00:02:44,004 --> 00:02:45,437
And I got the hat.
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00:02:45,472 --> 00:02:46,805
You guys are dead!
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00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,840
Look, Joe.
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00:02:48,876 --> 00:02:50,742
We didn't want to tell
you, but we're going
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00:02:50,777 --> 00:02:52,410
to the Seriously
Wicked Bull Run.
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00:02:52,446 --> 00:02:55,280
We didn't invite you because we
didn't think you could keep up.
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00:02:55,315 --> 00:02:58,149
Yeah, we thought it seemed
too dangerous for, uh,
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00:02:58,185 --> 00:03:01,786
incapacitated, half-man,
shrivel-legged gimps.
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00:03:01,822 --> 00:03:03,655
And we didn't want
to hurt your feelings.
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00:03:03,690 --> 00:03:06,057
Come on, my handicap
has never held me back.
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00:03:06,093 --> 00:03:07,626
I'm coming with you guys.
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00:03:07,661 --> 00:03:10,095
Joe, you peed in your bag
while you said that.
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00:03:10,130 --> 00:03:12,297
Can you honestly say
that you didn't pee
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00:03:12,332 --> 00:03:15,133
just now while you
were talking?
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00:03:15,168 --> 00:03:17,335
Okay, you can come.
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00:03:21,375 --> 00:03:24,075
Wow, that was amazing.
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00:03:24,111 --> 00:03:25,243
Hey, uh, uh,
just to be clear,
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00:03:25,279 --> 00:03:26,845
I don't really
think you're a whore.
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00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,981
I-I just need to say that
to, you know, to finish.
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00:03:30,017 --> 00:03:31,983
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, of course.
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00:03:32,019 --> 00:03:34,219
And obviously, I don't think
you're my Uncle Dale.
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00:03:34,254 --> 00:03:35,420
Good, good, same page.
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00:03:36,623 --> 00:03:38,490
Oh, crap,
my husband's home early.
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00:03:38,525 --> 00:03:39,758
Wait a minute,
you're married?!
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00:03:39,793 --> 00:03:40,959
And he's here?
Now?!
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00:03:42,062 --> 00:03:43,094
Yeah, that's him.
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00:03:43,130 --> 00:03:44,429
You've got to get out of here.
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00:03:44,464 --> 00:03:45,830
He's really jealous.
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00:03:45,866 --> 00:03:47,565
I think he's bitter
because he never got
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00:03:47,601 --> 00:03:50,368
the credit he deserved
for killing Osama bin Laden.
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00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:52,203
Your husband's a Navy SEAL?!
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00:03:54,374 --> 00:03:55,707
What the hell
is going on here?!
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00:03:55,742 --> 00:03:57,075
What is this?
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00:03:58,879 --> 00:04:00,578
Ruff!
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00:04:00,614 --> 00:04:02,547
You got a dog?
107
00:04:02,582 --> 00:04:03,949
Uh... yeah!
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00:04:03,984 --> 00:04:06,217
I rescued him
from the pound.
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00:04:08,055 --> 00:04:09,821
Well, hey there, buddy.
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00:04:09,856 --> 00:04:11,589
Wow, his nose is super wet!
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00:04:11,625 --> 00:04:13,058
He must be healthy.
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00:04:13,093 --> 00:04:15,994
Uh, and somebody's been
rooting in a sardine can.
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00:04:16,029 --> 00:04:18,063
Well, I'm gonna
grab a shower.
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00:04:18,098 --> 00:04:20,131
Great, honey.
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00:04:20,167 --> 00:04:22,100
Oh. Oh, my God,
that was close.
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00:04:22,135 --> 00:04:24,035
Yeah, but think about it.
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00:04:24,071 --> 00:04:26,037
As long as he thinks
you're our new pet,
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00:04:26,073 --> 00:04:28,239
we can keep fooling
around behind his back.
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00:04:28,275 --> 00:04:30,375
Huh, you're right.
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00:04:30,410 --> 00:04:32,077
Wow, this could be
an even better scam
121
00:04:32,112 --> 00:04:34,612
than that claw machine
at the arcade.
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00:04:35,816 --> 00:04:37,515
Damn it, this game is so stupid!
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00:04:37,551 --> 00:04:40,885
It's impossible to do anything
with a dumb, crappy claw!
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00:04:40,921 --> 00:04:43,221
Hey, that's mean,
and it's not even true!
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00:04:43,256 --> 00:04:45,056
I'm leaving!
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00:04:45,092 --> 00:04:47,092
Dang it!
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00:04:51,031 --> 00:04:52,230
You need a little help?
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00:04:52,265 --> 00:04:54,265
No!
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00:04:56,403 --> 00:04:59,270
If you could angle up the ring,
then I could kind of hook it.
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00:05:03,443 --> 00:05:04,843
How do you drive?
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00:05:04,878 --> 00:05:06,644
Bad!
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00:05:17,691 --> 00:05:19,424
We clearly overdressed.
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00:05:19,459 --> 00:05:21,493
They have the type
of fat white woman here
134
00:05:21,528 --> 00:05:24,162
that not even
I am interested in.
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00:05:24,197 --> 00:05:25,296
Ladies, gentlemen,
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00:05:25,332 --> 00:05:27,132
and alternative high school
graduates,
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00:05:27,167 --> 00:05:29,434
get ready to run for your lives!
138
00:05:37,144 --> 00:05:39,310
Aah! I shouldn't
have worn high heels!
139
00:05:39,346 --> 00:05:40,779
Oh, stop it!
You look great.
140
00:05:40,814 --> 00:05:43,681
Oh, well, I didn't
want all this attention.
141
00:05:45,218 --> 00:05:46,351
Cleveland, why do you let them
142
00:05:46,386 --> 00:05:47,919
talk you into these things?
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00:05:47,954 --> 00:05:50,522
This is how
people pleasers die!
144
00:05:50,557 --> 00:05:52,357
Hey, guys, after this,
let's beat alligators
145
00:05:52,392 --> 00:05:53,491
with sticks or something.
146
00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:54,893
You read my mind!
147
00:05:54,928 --> 00:05:57,162
We just talked about this!
148
00:05:58,765 --> 00:06:00,565
This is amazing!
149
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,700
I told you guys I could do it!
150
00:06:21,254 --> 00:06:24,856
Look... out...
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00:06:24,891 --> 00:06:28,259
Joe...!
152
00:07:07,901 --> 00:07:10,034
Joe, oh, my God!
153
00:07:10,070 --> 00:07:11,469
Are you all right?!
154
00:07:11,505 --> 00:07:14,005
I can't feel anything
below my neck!
155
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,241
I can't move a muscle, guys!
156
00:07:16,276 --> 00:07:17,408
Oh, my God!
157
00:07:17,444 --> 00:07:19,911
Joe's completely
paralyzed!
158
00:07:21,815 --> 00:07:22,847
Oop, that's me.
159
00:07:22,883 --> 00:07:24,082
That's unfortunate.
160
00:07:24,117 --> 00:07:25,483
That's Lois, hold on.
161
00:07:25,519 --> 00:07:26,718
Hey, babe.
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00:07:26,753 --> 00:07:27,785
Uh, good.
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00:07:27,821 --> 00:07:28,987
Little hiccup, but fun.
164
00:07:37,093 --> 00:07:39,093
You guys!
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00:07:39,128 --> 00:07:41,528
I've been trying to keep
my birthday a secret.
166
00:07:41,564 --> 00:07:43,831
No, Dr. Hartman, we're not
here for your birthday.
167
00:07:43,866 --> 00:07:44,999
We're here for Joe.
168
00:07:45,034 --> 00:07:46,200
Don't sugarcoat it, Doc.
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00:07:46,235 --> 00:07:47,668
Just give it to me straight.
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00:07:47,703 --> 00:07:49,903
Well, Mr. Swanson, I did
an exploratory procedure,
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00:07:49,939 --> 00:07:52,072
which revealed extensive damage.
172
00:07:52,108 --> 00:07:55,209
Please, just tell me--
am I completely paralyzed?
173
00:07:55,244 --> 00:07:56,310
I'm afraid...
174
00:07:56,345 --> 00:07:57,811
of ghosts.
175
00:07:57,847 --> 00:07:59,013
And yes.
176
00:07:59,048 --> 00:08:00,314
Mr. Swanson
has lost all movement,
177
00:08:00,349 --> 00:08:02,383
and will require
around-the-clock care.
178
00:08:02,418 --> 00:08:04,218
Most of it disgusting.
179
00:08:04,253 --> 00:08:06,687
Oh, my God, Bonnie,
I'm so sorry.
180
00:08:06,722 --> 00:08:08,322
If there's anything
I can do...
181
00:08:08,357 --> 00:08:09,723
There actually is.
182
00:08:09,759 --> 00:08:11,825
Could you collect
my mail forever?
183
00:08:11,861 --> 00:08:13,961
I'm leaving Joe
and moving to Europe.
184
00:08:13,996 --> 00:08:16,063
I didn't sign up for this.
185
00:08:16,098 --> 00:08:18,165
Bonnie, wait!
God, this is awful.
186
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,034
What am I gonna do?
187
00:08:20,069 --> 00:08:22,202
Well, seems like you folks
have this all taken care of.
188
00:08:23,272 --> 00:08:24,238
Surprise!
189
00:08:24,273 --> 00:08:26,473
Oh, you guys!
190
00:08:26,509 --> 00:08:27,975
Hey, don't go in
that room back there.
191
00:08:28,010 --> 00:08:30,177
It's, like,
super sad.
192
00:08:35,384 --> 00:08:38,185
Coming up, quintuplets
born at Quahog General.
193
00:08:38,220 --> 00:08:40,087
What?
That's...
194
00:08:40,122 --> 00:08:41,655
Oh, that's supposed
to be "burn"?
195
00:08:41,691 --> 00:08:45,626
Oh, coming up, quintuplets
burn at Quahog General.
196
00:08:46,729 --> 00:08:49,396
Hey, honey, get in here.
197
00:08:49,432 --> 00:08:51,765
Check this out--
the way he's sitting,
198
00:08:51,801 --> 00:08:54,001
it looks like the dog's
watching the news.
199
00:08:54,036 --> 00:08:56,637
You like watching the
news, you dumb dog?
200
00:08:56,672 --> 00:08:59,606
Well, I'm off to do what
former Navy SEALs do--
201
00:08:59,642 --> 00:09:02,142
sell lawnmowers.
202
00:09:02,178 --> 00:09:04,144
Wow, he really
has no idea.
203
00:09:04,180 --> 00:09:06,447
Hey, want to take
a shower with me?
204
00:09:06,482 --> 00:09:08,082
Sure.
205
00:09:08,117 --> 00:09:09,650
Man, this is a pretty sweet gig.
206
00:09:09,685 --> 00:09:11,985
Like being a member
of Daft Punk.
207
00:09:12,021 --> 00:09:14,188
Look at this old Casio keyboard
208
00:09:14,223 --> 00:09:16,423
from the 1980s
that I have found.
209
00:09:16,459 --> 00:09:19,026
Watch what happens
when I push this demo button.
210
00:09:19,061 --> 00:09:22,429
♪ ♪
211
00:09:22,465 --> 00:09:23,997
Hello, Daft Punk?
212
00:09:24,033 --> 00:09:26,133
Great song.
Here's a Grammy.
213
00:09:26,168 --> 00:09:27,568
Oh-ho-ho!
214
00:09:27,603 --> 00:09:28,802
You know, is funny.
215
00:09:28,838 --> 00:09:31,772
Until you spoke, I did
not know we were French!
216
00:09:35,311 --> 00:09:37,578
There you go, Joe.
All settled.
217
00:09:37,613 --> 00:09:39,446
Now, which wall
would you like to look at
218
00:09:39,482 --> 00:09:40,581
for the rest of your life?
219
00:09:40,616 --> 00:09:42,883
I don't know,
maybe that one.
220
00:09:42,918 --> 00:09:44,952
I-I have no idea
what you're pointing at, Joe.
221
00:09:44,987 --> 00:09:46,253
You got to meet us halfway.
222
00:09:46,288 --> 00:09:48,222
Look, guys, I don't want
to be a burden to anyone.
223
00:09:48,257 --> 00:09:50,157
You go ahead
and live your lives.
224
00:09:50,192 --> 00:09:51,592
I'll be fine.
225
00:09:51,627 --> 00:09:53,227
We can't just
leave you, Joe.
226
00:09:53,262 --> 00:09:56,029
So before we go, I'm gonna
put the remote in your mouth.
227
00:09:56,065 --> 00:09:58,132
Here's a can of chili.
228
00:09:58,167 --> 00:10:01,335
And the opener we'll put...
in your mouth.
229
00:10:01,370 --> 00:10:03,303
And here's a magazine I thought
you might like to read.
230
00:10:03,339 --> 00:10:06,240
I'm gonna put it
in your mouth.
231
00:10:06,275 --> 00:10:08,208
You're a good friend, Peter.
232
00:10:08,244 --> 00:10:10,043
Joe, I just wish
we could do more,
233
00:10:10,079 --> 00:10:12,579
but obviously your
mouth is full.
234
00:10:12,615 --> 00:10:14,448
And you probably don't want
any reminders of Bonnie
235
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:17,017
around the house, so I cleared
out all of her underwear.
236
00:10:17,052 --> 00:10:18,786
Okay, don't be a stranger.
237
00:10:18,821 --> 00:10:21,021
Yeah, 'cause we're not
supposed to talk to those.
238
00:10:21,056 --> 00:10:24,224
I don't know, I'm not sure
I feel right about leaving Joe.
239
00:10:24,260 --> 00:10:27,361
Doesn't seem like he's gonna be
able to take care of himself.
240
00:10:27,396 --> 00:10:29,363
Yeah, we're-we're kind
of all he has now.
241
00:10:29,398 --> 00:10:30,430
What-- Joe?
242
00:10:30,466 --> 00:10:31,532
What're you talking about?
243
00:10:31,567 --> 00:10:33,934
He's fine.
244
00:10:33,969 --> 00:10:36,537
Look, he's already watching
The Price Is Right in there.
245
00:10:36,572 --> 00:10:38,939
Oop, he's biting
too hard on the volume.
246
00:10:43,779 --> 00:10:45,612
Okay, you can play over there
in the sandbox, honey.
247
00:10:45,648 --> 00:10:47,848
Mommy's just gonna
read her book.
248
00:10:47,883 --> 00:10:49,783
Okay, I'm just gonna
walk 30 feet away,
249
00:10:49,819 --> 00:10:52,319
and then panic
because I can't see you.
250
00:10:52,354 --> 00:10:54,254
Can you fit me in
at 10:00 tomorrow?
251
00:10:54,290 --> 00:10:56,023
It's getting a little
long on the sides.
252
00:10:56,058 --> 00:10:58,158
Brian? What are you
doing on a leash?
253
00:10:58,194 --> 00:10:59,526
And who's that?
254
00:10:59,562 --> 00:11:00,727
Be cool.
255
00:11:00,763 --> 00:11:02,095
This is the guy whose
wife I'm banging.
256
00:11:02,131 --> 00:11:03,897
Oh, what a romantic way
to put it.
257
00:11:03,933 --> 00:11:05,098
Yeah, it's great.
258
00:11:05,134 --> 00:11:06,533
I just pretend
to be their dog,
259
00:11:06,569 --> 00:11:08,068
and then when he
leaves for work,
260
00:11:08,103 --> 00:11:11,538
I get to go to the pound,
if you know what I mean.
261
00:11:11,574 --> 00:11:13,173
God, Brian,
you are such a scumbag.
262
00:11:13,209 --> 00:11:14,575
I can't believe you--
263
00:11:14,610 --> 00:11:16,610
Mommy! Mommy!
Where's my Mommy?!
264
00:11:16,645 --> 00:11:18,378
I have no one and nothing!
265
00:11:18,414 --> 00:11:19,880
I'm right here, honey.
266
00:11:19,915 --> 00:11:21,248
Oh, thank God.
267
00:11:21,283 --> 00:11:24,017
She's such a gross hog.
268
00:11:27,823 --> 00:11:29,723
Joe, you can't
just sit here.
269
00:11:29,758 --> 00:11:31,491
You need intellectual
stimulation.
270
00:11:31,527 --> 00:11:33,493
So I brought something
to read to you.
271
00:11:33,529 --> 00:11:36,396
It's the word search
from the Sunday Circular.
272
00:11:36,432 --> 00:11:37,898
"Kangaroo."
273
00:11:37,933 --> 00:11:40,334
Let's see if we
can find that one.
274
00:11:40,369 --> 00:11:41,602
"Outback."
275
00:11:41,637 --> 00:11:43,470
I think it's an
Australian theme.
276
00:11:43,505 --> 00:11:44,771
"Koala."
277
00:11:44,807 --> 00:11:46,306
It definitely is.
278
00:11:46,342 --> 00:11:47,875
Can't make out this one.
279
00:11:47,910 --> 00:11:50,110
"Abor... Aborgine...
280
00:11:50,145 --> 00:11:51,645
Aborgina"?
281
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:53,714
That's what they call
eggplant down there.
282
00:11:53,749 --> 00:11:55,349
You know what?
Forget this.
283
00:11:55,384 --> 00:11:57,517
I'll just read
to you from Jet.
284
00:11:57,553 --> 00:11:59,753
Look, this whole page is
all the Wayans brothers
285
00:11:59,788 --> 00:12:01,755
sitting in different
positions.
286
00:12:01,790 --> 00:12:04,358
How you suppose they come up
with all them positions?
287
00:12:04,393 --> 00:12:05,926
You could give me
a million years.
288
00:12:05,961 --> 00:12:07,928
I just ain't
wired that way.
289
00:12:07,963 --> 00:12:09,229
Marlon's like
a rubber man.
290
00:12:09,265 --> 00:12:10,831
He can sit in
any kind of way.
291
00:12:10,866 --> 00:12:13,634
Here's Keenan telling the
younger ones how to sit.
292
00:12:13,669 --> 00:12:14,968
Like they
gonna listen.
293
00:12:15,004 --> 00:12:16,470
Damon's doing
his own thing.
294
00:12:16,505 --> 00:12:17,638
No surprise there.
295
00:12:17,673 --> 00:12:18,839
That's Damon.
296
00:12:18,874 --> 00:12:20,374
You enjoying
all this, Joe?
297
00:12:20,409 --> 00:12:22,175
I'm honestly
just glad it seems
298
00:12:22,211 --> 00:12:24,311
like you have
something you like.
299
00:12:29,518 --> 00:12:30,918
Hey, my laptop's
out of battery.
300
00:12:30,953 --> 00:12:32,286
You want to have sex?
301
00:12:32,321 --> 00:12:35,188
Sure, I've almost finished
my sandwich, anyway.
302
00:12:36,792 --> 00:12:39,426
Oh, come on, I don't want
to have to watch this.
303
00:12:39,461 --> 00:12:40,994
Yeah, that's right.
304
00:12:41,030 --> 00:12:44,231
I was the only one
who didn't get to meet Biden.
305
00:12:44,266 --> 00:12:45,532
You know what?
306
00:12:45,567 --> 00:12:47,834
Screw this.
I'm out of here.
307
00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:53,507
Ha! Skewered.
308
00:12:53,542 --> 00:12:55,142
Hey!
309
00:12:55,177 --> 00:12:56,343
Where do you think you're going?
310
00:12:56,378 --> 00:12:57,444
You're my dog.
311
00:12:57,479 --> 00:12:59,212
You're not going anywhere.
312
00:12:59,248 --> 00:13:00,480
Besides, I need you, boy.
313
00:13:00,516 --> 00:13:02,282
Now more than ever.
314
00:13:02,318 --> 00:13:04,785
I think my wife
is cheating on me.
315
00:13:05,554 --> 00:13:07,587
Hey, Tori, it's Brian.
316
00:13:07,623 --> 00:13:09,222
I'm getting
the Chinese food for us.
317
00:13:09,258 --> 00:13:11,792
I think I'm gonna order
some Me Like Bang Ho.
318
00:13:11,827 --> 00:13:14,161
That's-that's not a real thing,
319
00:13:14,196 --> 00:13:15,629
I'm talking about sex.
320
00:13:15,664 --> 00:13:17,731
All right,
I'll be there in five.
321
00:13:17,766 --> 00:13:19,733
Man, when I find
that son of a bitch,
322
00:13:19,768 --> 00:13:22,069
I'm gonna rip
his head off.
323
00:13:23,706 --> 00:13:25,172
God, what a nightmare.
324
00:13:25,207 --> 00:13:28,208
That guy's even scarier
than a thesaurus-asaurus.
325
00:13:28,243 --> 00:13:30,944
Tread, stomp, trudge.
326
00:13:30,980 --> 00:13:33,447
Growl, roar, ululate.
327
00:13:33,482 --> 00:13:35,816
Antonym-- whisper.
328
00:13:35,851 --> 00:13:36,984
What's wrong with him?
329
00:13:37,019 --> 00:13:38,019
He's on the spectrum.
330
00:13:38,053 --> 00:13:39,152
"Spectrum"?
331
00:13:39,188 --> 00:13:40,520
In my day we'd
throw him in the army
332
00:13:40,556 --> 00:13:42,522
and have him
play the bugle.
333
00:13:46,195 --> 00:13:48,362
Peter, this just isn't working.
334
00:13:48,397 --> 00:13:50,263
We can't take
proper care of Joe.
335
00:13:50,299 --> 00:13:51,732
It's a huge amount of work
336
00:13:51,767 --> 00:13:52,866
and we don't have
any idea what we're doing.
337
00:13:52,901 --> 00:13:54,034
Quagmire's right.
338
00:13:54,069 --> 00:13:55,235
It's too much.
339
00:13:55,270 --> 00:13:56,570
I just think he'd
be better off
340
00:13:56,605 --> 00:13:59,539
under the care of grumpy,
Filipino nurses.
341
00:13:59,575 --> 00:14:01,274
Yeah, that's why
I looked into it,
342
00:14:01,310 --> 00:14:02,743
and we've reserved
a place for him
343
00:14:02,778 --> 00:14:05,445
at the State Home for
Mentals and Bastards.
344
00:14:05,481 --> 00:14:09,316
Oh, my God, sometimes
they whip them with hoses...
345
00:14:09,351 --> 00:14:11,952
outside?!
This is perfect!
346
00:14:19,795 --> 00:14:22,329
Hi, I work here.
347
00:14:22,364 --> 00:14:24,731
I don't think
this guy works here.
348
00:14:24,767 --> 00:14:25,866
Hi, can I help you?
349
00:14:25,901 --> 00:14:27,567
Yeah, this is Joe Swanson.
350
00:14:27,603 --> 00:14:29,936
We arranged for a 9:15 dump-off?
351
00:14:29,972 --> 00:14:31,505
Go on, guys, get out of here.
352
00:14:31,540 --> 00:14:33,073
I'll be fine.
353
00:14:33,108 --> 00:14:34,108
Bye, Joe.
354
00:14:34,143 --> 00:14:35,108
Take care, man.
355
00:14:35,144 --> 00:14:37,144
See ya, Joe.
356
00:14:38,647 --> 00:14:40,313
Hold on, guys.
357
00:14:40,349 --> 00:14:43,450
There's one last thing
I got to say to my friend.
358
00:14:43,485 --> 00:14:46,086
Hey, Joe, you know
that movie you told me to watch
359
00:14:46,121 --> 00:14:48,188
that you said was
your favorite movie of all time,
360
00:14:48,223 --> 00:14:49,322
and you said
I had to watch it?
361
00:14:49,358 --> 00:14:51,258
Backdraft-- you
finally watched it?
362
00:14:51,293 --> 00:14:52,659
Yeah.
Wasn't it great?
363
00:14:52,694 --> 00:14:53,827
I thought it was stupid.
364
00:14:53,862 --> 00:14:55,128
Take care, Joe.
365
00:15:00,426 --> 00:15:03,894
You know, tha-that state home we
left Joe in didn't seem so bad.
366
00:15:03,929 --> 00:15:05,095
Yeah, it's got
to be good.
367
00:15:05,131 --> 00:15:06,964
I mean, Napoleon Bonaparte
was there.
368
00:15:06,999 --> 00:15:08,999
Would the French people
let their boss walk around
369
00:15:09,035 --> 00:15:10,675
in stained underwear
trying to stab people
370
00:15:10,703 --> 00:15:12,536
if the place wasn't nice?
371
00:15:12,571 --> 00:15:13,971
Yeah, no, no,
y-you're right, you're right.
372
00:15:14,006 --> 00:15:15,272
Joe will get
much better care there.
373
00:15:15,307 --> 00:15:17,041
I still feel bad.
374
00:15:17,076 --> 00:15:18,809
Come on, you guys.
Joe's gonna be fine.
375
00:15:18,844 --> 00:15:20,044
He'll fit in great there.
376
00:15:20,079 --> 00:15:22,179
Not like when
I went to Hogwarts.
377
00:15:22,214 --> 00:15:24,415
Slytherin.
378
00:15:26,118 --> 00:15:28,118
Hufflepuff.
379
00:15:29,822 --> 00:15:32,890
Housing for registered
sex offenders!
380
00:15:32,925 --> 00:15:35,092
Aw.
381
00:15:41,767 --> 00:15:43,200
Oh, Tori, thank God.
382
00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:44,334
Listen, you got
to unchain me.
383
00:15:44,370 --> 00:15:45,569
Look what Vic did.
384
00:15:45,604 --> 00:15:46,604
Tell me about it.
385
00:15:46,639 --> 00:15:48,238
He's lost his mind.
386
00:15:48,274 --> 00:15:50,307
That's why I'm gonna go stay
with my mother in Baltimore
387
00:15:50,342 --> 00:15:51,842
and work at her wife's bar.
388
00:15:51,877 --> 00:15:53,277
Wait, what?!
389
00:15:53,312 --> 00:15:54,578
Tori, come back!
390
00:15:54,613 --> 00:15:55,646
Damn it!
391
00:15:55,681 --> 00:15:57,247
Wow, shocker.
392
00:15:57,283 --> 00:15:59,616
Your gross hookup
from the car wash ended poorly?
393
00:15:59,652 --> 00:16:00,684
Stewie, thank God!
394
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:01,785
How'd you find me?
395
00:16:01,821 --> 00:16:03,287
Well, you remember
when the vet knocked you out
396
00:16:03,322 --> 00:16:04,922
to take out that rotten tooth?
397
00:16:04,957 --> 00:16:06,690
He also put a tracking chip
in your neck.
398
00:16:06,726 --> 00:16:08,959
What?! That's a total
violation of my rights!
399
00:16:08,994 --> 00:16:11,328
Heh, I like how you're
chained up in a yard
400
00:16:11,363 --> 00:16:13,063
and still trying
to pretend you're a guy.
401
00:16:13,099 --> 00:16:14,732
Look, you got to help me.
402
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:16,700
Her husband's a maniac and the
only reason he hasn't killed me
403
00:16:16,736 --> 00:16:18,376
is because he thinks
I'm just his pet dog.
404
00:16:18,404 --> 00:16:20,671
Hmm, he's got
a padlock on here.
405
00:16:20,706 --> 00:16:22,339
But don't worry,
I'll figure something out.
406
00:16:22,374 --> 00:16:25,075
Well, hurry, 'cause I'm trapped
like a baseball announcer.
407
00:16:25,111 --> 00:16:26,810
And the count is two and two.
408
00:16:26,846 --> 00:16:29,279
Garcia steps
off the mound again,
409
00:16:29,315 --> 00:16:31,048
virtually guaranteeing
that my wife
410
00:16:31,083 --> 00:16:32,816
will be asleep when I get home.
411
00:16:32,852 --> 00:16:35,319
The big right-hander kicks
a little dirt and tosses
412
00:16:35,354 --> 00:16:37,888
the rosin bag as my children
grow up without me.
413
00:16:37,923 --> 00:16:40,157
Okay, and now a fan in the
stands is giving me the finger.
414
00:16:40,192 --> 00:16:41,458
I agree.
415
00:16:41,494 --> 00:16:42,760
Hey, I don't know
if you can hear it,
416
00:16:42,795 --> 00:16:45,529
but I'm peeing
in my coffee cup right now.
417
00:16:49,702 --> 00:16:50,702
There you are.
418
00:16:50,736 --> 00:16:52,169
Where the hell have you been?
419
00:16:52,204 --> 00:16:54,772
I got arrested for huckin'
a TV/VCR combo off the dam.
420
00:16:54,807 --> 00:16:56,740
Off the damn what?
421
00:16:56,776 --> 00:16:58,108
Off the damn overpass.
422
00:16:58,144 --> 00:16:59,777
Oh...
423
00:16:59,812 --> 00:17:00,844
God, I love you, Lois.
424
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:02,346
That was like great sex.
425
00:17:02,381 --> 00:17:04,081
But seriously,
it-it was bad.
426
00:17:04,116 --> 00:17:05,215
It hit a school bus.
427
00:17:05,251 --> 00:17:06,450
Oh, my God!
428
00:17:06,485 --> 00:17:08,085
Well-well, can you
go talk to Joe?
429
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,621
Maybe he can put in a word for
you down at the police station.
430
00:17:10,656 --> 00:17:13,590
Yeah, yeah, Joe, yeah, may--
yeah, maybe, maybe.
431
00:17:13,626 --> 00:17:15,626
Do you, uh, you-you
want a back rub?
432
00:17:15,661 --> 00:17:17,594
Peter, what's going on?
433
00:17:17,630 --> 00:17:19,062
Uh, what do you mean?
434
00:17:19,098 --> 00:17:20,631
Whenever you offer
me a back rub,
435
00:17:20,666 --> 00:17:22,566
it means you're
hiding something.
436
00:17:29,141 --> 00:17:31,175
You, uh, you-you
want a back rub?
437
00:17:31,210 --> 00:17:34,011
We may or may not
have put Joe
438
00:17:34,046 --> 00:17:36,146
in a smelly home
for the goofy.
439
00:17:36,182 --> 00:17:38,916
What?! Peter, those places
are a horror show!
440
00:17:38,951 --> 00:17:40,083
Joe's your friend!
441
00:17:40,119 --> 00:17:41,652
How could you treat
him like that?
442
00:17:41,687 --> 00:17:43,554
We just couldn't handle him
being fully paralyzed.
443
00:17:43,589 --> 00:17:45,189
We didn't know what else to do.
444
00:17:45,224 --> 00:17:46,490
But you're right.
445
00:17:46,525 --> 00:17:48,025
We got to get him out of there.
446
00:17:48,060 --> 00:17:49,660
You most certainly do.
447
00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:51,795
All right, how about
that back rub now?
448
00:17:51,831 --> 00:17:54,198
What are you, nuts?
449
00:17:58,237 --> 00:18:00,304
What the hell do you want?
450
00:18:00,339 --> 00:18:01,605
Oh, hello, sir.
451
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,273
I'm afraid there's
been a mistake.
452
00:18:03,309 --> 00:18:06,977
I believe you found our dog,
and we need to take him home.
453
00:18:07,012 --> 00:18:08,445
No way!
Get lost, kid.
454
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,080
He's my dog now.
455
00:18:10,115 --> 00:18:12,216
Well, we figured
you'd say no to us,
456
00:18:12,251 --> 00:18:14,885
but not to Vice President
Joe Biden!
457
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,453
Oh, my God!
458
00:18:16,488 --> 00:18:17,754
Mr. Vice President!
459
00:18:17,790 --> 00:18:19,423
First, I want
to thank you, Vic,
460
00:18:19,458 --> 00:18:22,359
for shooting the guy
we said was Osama bin Laden.
461
00:18:22,394 --> 00:18:25,162
Second, give these kids
their dog back.
462
00:18:25,197 --> 00:18:27,931
Of course, sir,
I'm so sorry!
463
00:18:27,967 --> 00:18:29,366
Here, take him!
464
00:18:29,401 --> 00:18:30,701
Thank you.
465
00:18:30,736 --> 00:18:32,603
You're a great American.
466
00:18:32,638 --> 00:18:34,004
Thanks, Mr. Biden!
467
00:18:34,039 --> 00:18:35,272
No problem.
468
00:18:35,307 --> 00:18:36,940
Hey, you guys watch Veep?
469
00:18:36,976 --> 00:18:37,941
No.
470
00:18:37,977 --> 00:18:39,409
Yeah, it's all fake.
471
00:18:39,445 --> 00:18:41,245
Yeah, we said no.
472
00:18:46,085 --> 00:18:48,085
Hi, uh, we're here
to pick up Joe Swanson.
473
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:49,386
Are you from the news?
474
00:18:49,421 --> 00:18:51,054
You have to tell us
if you're from the news.
475
00:18:51,090 --> 00:18:52,789
No, we're his friends.
476
00:18:52,825 --> 00:18:54,057
What are you guys
doing here?
477
00:18:54,093 --> 00:18:55,359
We came to bring
you home, Joe.
478
00:18:55,394 --> 00:18:57,928
We're all really sorry
we abandoned you.
479
00:18:57,963 --> 00:19:00,864
Yeah, we just kind of got
overwhelmed and all freaked out.
480
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:02,666
But we're your
friends, Joe.
481
00:19:02,701 --> 00:19:04,935
And we'll always be there
for you no matter what.
482
00:19:04,970 --> 00:19:06,503
Thanks, guys.
483
00:19:06,538 --> 00:19:09,206
I'd say let's get my stuff,
but it's all been stolen.
484
00:19:09,241 --> 00:19:10,207
That's okay.
485
00:19:10,242 --> 00:19:12,009
Come on, let's go home.
486
00:19:12,044 --> 00:19:13,477
Sorry, no one
gets out of here
487
00:19:13,512 --> 00:19:15,178
without a release
from their doctor.
488
00:19:15,214 --> 00:19:18,415
All right, we'll just
call him right now.
489
00:19:22,221 --> 00:19:24,221
What's that ringing?
490
00:19:27,793 --> 00:19:30,360
Joe, that ringing--
it's coming from your back!
491
00:19:30,396 --> 00:19:31,495
It is?
492
00:19:31,530 --> 00:19:32,896
Holy crap!
493
00:19:32,932 --> 00:19:35,032
Dr. Hartman must have
dropped his phone in Joe
494
00:19:35,067 --> 00:19:36,466
when he was looking
at his spine!
495
00:19:36,502 --> 00:19:37,601
Oh, thank God.
496
00:19:37,636 --> 00:19:39,503
I've been hearing
that ringing all week.
497
00:19:39,538 --> 00:19:40,971
I just thought
I was losing my mind
498
00:19:41,006 --> 00:19:43,407
from lunatics
screaming in my face.
499
00:19:43,442 --> 00:19:45,542
Your mother's a whore!
500
00:19:45,577 --> 00:19:48,946
I told you that
in confidence, Gary.
501
00:19:52,985 --> 00:19:54,985
Ah, it's so great
to have you back, Joe.
502
00:19:55,020 --> 00:19:56,553
You seem good as new.
503
00:19:56,588 --> 00:19:58,488
Yeah, it turns out Dr.
Hartman's cell phone
504
00:19:58,524 --> 00:20:00,424
was pressing on
my spinal cord,
505
00:20:00,459 --> 00:20:03,126
and that's what was causing
my total paralysis.
506
00:20:03,162 --> 00:20:05,262
Yeah, sorry we dropped
the ball for a while,
507
00:20:05,297 --> 00:20:07,831
which is the way we agreed we'd
describe what we did to you,
508
00:20:07,866 --> 00:20:09,599
which hopefully
makes it seem less heinous.
509
00:20:09,635 --> 00:20:11,001
It's all right, guys.
510
00:20:11,036 --> 00:20:12,803
I'm just glad to be
back on my feet.
511
00:20:12,838 --> 00:20:15,539
Well, you know
what I mean.
512
00:20:18,210 --> 00:20:21,011
I never saw much
of Joe after that.
513
00:20:21,046 --> 00:20:22,713
And while he's been gone
for many years,
514
00:20:22,748 --> 00:20:24,614
I've never forgotten his face
515
00:20:24,650 --> 00:20:27,117
or his laughter.
516
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,454
Come on, are we
going to the beach?
517
00:20:30,489 --> 00:20:32,089
We've been waiting forever.
518
00:20:32,124 --> 00:20:33,657
Yeah, be right there,
champ.
519
00:20:33,692 --> 00:20:36,059
He said that the first
two times we asked.
520
00:20:36,095 --> 00:20:40,630
I know, he spaces out
when he's at the computer.
521
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,307
These aren't my kids.
522
00:20:50,342 --> 00:20:51,908
And also, this isn't
play wrestling.
523
00:20:51,944 --> 00:20:53,410
We're actually fighting.
524
00:20:57,299 --> 00:21:03,799
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man