1 00:00:00,533 --> 00:00:03,832 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,032 --> 00:00:07,301 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,335 --> 00:00:10,871 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:10,905 --> 00:00:13,874 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:13,908 --> 00:00:17,344 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,378 --> 00:00:20,647 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:20,682 --> 00:00:22,216 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,250 --> 00:00:23,584 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:23,618 --> 00:00:24,634 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:24,635 --> 00:00:28,635 ♪ Family Guy 14x03 ♪ Guy Robot Original Air Date on October 11, 2015 11 00:00:28,636 --> 00:00:33,636 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 12 00:00:33,661 --> 00:00:35,095 We now return to 13 00:00:35,129 --> 00:00:36,563 Stand-Up Specials from Comedians 14 00:00:36,598 --> 00:00:37,731 You've Been Told to Like. 15 00:00:37,765 --> 00:00:40,367 Please welcome Aziz Ansari! 16 00:00:40,401 --> 00:00:41,502 What's up, y'all? 17 00:00:41,536 --> 00:00:44,271 Sometimes I start a sentence really soft 18 00:00:44,305 --> 00:00:47,207 and then get loud! 19 00:00:47,242 --> 00:00:48,876 He's hilarious 20 00:00:48,910 --> 00:00:50,410 'cause I saw him in a other show. 21 00:00:50,445 --> 00:00:51,612 What are you talking about? 22 00:00:51,646 --> 00:00:52,813 How is that funny? 23 00:00:52,847 --> 00:00:54,014 He didn't even tell any jokes. 24 00:00:54,048 --> 00:00:55,516 Uh, if he didn't tell jokes, 25 00:00:55,550 --> 00:00:57,017 why was he laughing? 26 00:00:57,051 --> 00:00:59,419 Well, that's about as much HBO as we're gonna get 27 00:00:59,454 --> 00:01:00,921 before they play something homosexual. 28 00:01:00,955 --> 00:01:02,623 Come on, Chris. 29 00:01:02,657 --> 00:01:04,992 God, that's what passes for comedy these days? 30 00:01:05,026 --> 00:01:07,394 What ever happened to our venerated humorists? 31 00:01:07,428 --> 00:01:08,395 Here we go. 32 00:01:08,429 --> 00:01:10,063 Samuel Clemens, Mark Twain. 33 00:01:10,098 --> 00:01:11,064 Same guy. 34 00:01:11,099 --> 00:01:12,332 Huck Finn. Not a guy. 35 00:01:12,367 --> 00:01:14,568 Look, the point is, I could do stand-up comedy. 36 00:01:14,602 --> 00:01:16,270 All I'd need is a newspaper 37 00:01:16,304 --> 00:01:18,972 and this twisted mind. 38 00:01:19,007 --> 00:01:21,475 Why waste your time with stand-up, grandpa? 39 00:01:21,509 --> 00:01:23,610 All the best comedy is on Twitter now. 40 00:01:23,645 --> 00:01:24,645 Really? Yeah. 41 00:01:24,679 --> 00:01:26,847 Stand-up is so 20 years ago. 42 00:01:26,881 --> 00:01:28,181 Twitter's only three years ago. 43 00:01:28,216 --> 00:01:29,316 Check mine out. 44 00:01:29,350 --> 00:01:31,718 I've got 10,000 followers. 45 00:01:31,753 --> 00:01:33,353 "I feel like we should wait to hear 46 00:01:33,388 --> 00:01:35,222 "Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs 47 00:01:35,256 --> 00:01:36,857 before we choose sides." 48 00:01:36,891 --> 00:01:37,958 Who's Adele? 49 00:01:37,992 --> 00:01:38,959 Just keep reading. 50 00:01:38,993 --> 00:01:40,260 "Hey, short guys, 51 00:01:40,295 --> 00:01:42,596 "the more muscular you get, the shorter you look. 52 00:01:42,630 --> 00:01:44,097 Did you not know that?" 53 00:01:44,132 --> 00:01:45,399 Well, that one seems a little mean. 54 00:01:45,433 --> 00:01:47,200 Just give me the phone. No, no. 55 00:01:47,235 --> 00:01:50,070 "I was wondering why this tampon commercial was so long 56 00:01:50,104 --> 00:01:52,906 until I realized it was a re-run of Sex and the City." 57 00:01:52,941 --> 00:01:54,741 Was it a re-run on basic cable, 58 00:01:54,776 --> 00:01:56,310 because sometimes they edit those a lot 59 00:01:56,344 --> 00:01:57,778 and that could be why you were confused? 60 00:01:57,812 --> 00:01:59,179 Hmm, that's interesting, Brian. 61 00:01:59,213 --> 00:02:01,415 A girl in Iowa asked me the same question. 62 00:02:01,449 --> 00:02:02,549 You know what I did? 63 00:02:02,584 --> 00:02:03,684 I flew her out here 64 00:02:03,718 --> 00:02:04,918 and her in the face. 65 00:02:04,953 --> 00:02:05,986 So, yeah... 66 00:02:06,020 --> 00:02:07,087 Twitter. 67 00:02:07,121 --> 00:02:08,722 Look, those are cute blurbs, Stewie, 68 00:02:08,756 --> 00:02:10,190 but I-I think I'm gonna put together 69 00:02:10,224 --> 00:02:12,359 a real act for real people. 70 00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:13,694 Good luck. 71 00:02:13,728 --> 00:02:15,762 God, it's like I'm the only person in the house 72 00:02:15,797 --> 00:02:17,664 who gets social media. 73 00:02:27,375 --> 00:02:29,509 That'll get it started. 74 00:02:33,281 --> 00:02:34,915 Where the hell's Peter? 75 00:02:34,949 --> 00:02:36,283 I'm almost done doing 76 00:02:36,317 --> 00:02:37,417 the 45 minutes of stuff 77 00:02:37,452 --> 00:02:38,418 a woman my age 78 00:02:38,453 --> 00:02:40,087 needs to do right before bed. 79 00:02:40,121 --> 00:02:42,122 I can't even remember 80 00:02:42,156 --> 00:02:44,758 why I sleep in this belt anymore. 81 00:02:44,792 --> 00:02:46,627 Hey, Chris, don't tell your mom 82 00:02:46,661 --> 00:02:48,362 I threw up in the Crock-Pot. 83 00:02:48,396 --> 00:02:49,496 Peter, it's me. 84 00:02:49,530 --> 00:02:50,497 Oh. 85 00:02:50,531 --> 00:02:51,565 Uh, I'll be right back. 86 00:02:51,599 --> 00:02:53,533 I gotta go tell Chris somethin' gross. 87 00:02:53,568 --> 00:02:54,901 Just come to bed. 88 00:02:54,936 --> 00:02:55,969 All right, fine, 89 00:02:56,004 --> 00:02:57,537 but I'm not gonna brush my teeth 90 00:02:57,572 --> 00:03:00,040 and I'm gonna fart super hot. 91 00:03:02,276 --> 00:03:03,310 Get up. 92 00:03:03,344 --> 00:03:04,911 You're on my side of the bed. 93 00:03:04,946 --> 00:03:06,213 Peter! 94 00:03:06,247 --> 00:03:08,348 We act like we didn't take a lot from The Simpsons, 95 00:03:08,383 --> 00:03:11,184 but we took a lot from The Simpsons. 96 00:03:11,219 --> 00:03:13,220 Damn it. 97 00:03:15,857 --> 00:03:18,759 Oh, my God, what happened to your side of the bed? 98 00:03:18,793 --> 00:03:20,427 These springs are shot. 99 00:03:20,461 --> 00:03:21,862 And it's all damp over here! 100 00:03:21,896 --> 00:03:23,797 Are... are these mushrooms? 101 00:03:23,831 --> 00:03:25,932 That's where Smurfs is. 102 00:03:25,967 --> 00:03:28,168 Er, are. Uh... 103 00:03:28,202 --> 00:03:29,836 Smurves. 104 00:03:37,412 --> 00:03:40,247 Uh, hey, who handles multimedia here? 105 00:03:40,281 --> 00:03:42,249 Because, uh, I have a slide of the Capitol building 106 00:03:42,283 --> 00:03:43,950 that I'd like projected behind me. 107 00:03:43,985 --> 00:03:46,653 And, yes, it is supposed to be upside-down. 108 00:03:46,688 --> 00:03:47,921 You a comic? 109 00:03:47,955 --> 00:03:49,723 Satirist, yes. 110 00:03:49,757 --> 00:03:53,393 What is with all the bad cleaning supplies, am I right? 111 00:03:53,428 --> 00:03:55,529 I mean, Mr. Clean? 112 00:03:55,563 --> 00:03:58,665 More like Mr. Hard-to-Clean. 113 00:03:58,700 --> 00:04:00,100 Fantastik? 114 00:04:00,134 --> 00:04:01,668 More like terrible. 115 00:04:01,703 --> 00:04:02,969 Windex? 116 00:04:03,004 --> 00:04:04,971 More like Lose-Dex. 117 00:04:05,006 --> 00:04:06,473 Get off the stage! 118 00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:09,242 No, no, no. 119 00:04:09,277 --> 00:04:10,877 All right, you guys like impressions? 120 00:04:10,912 --> 00:04:13,280 Here's that guy Bob from Bob's Burgers. 121 00:04:13,314 --> 00:04:15,949 Hi, I'm Bob from Bob's Burgers. 122 00:04:15,983 --> 00:04:17,551 How 'bout that show Archer? 123 00:04:17,585 --> 00:04:18,852 You watch that show Archer? 124 00:04:18,886 --> 00:04:20,387 Here's that guy Archer. 125 00:04:20,421 --> 00:04:22,889 Hi, I'm Archer, from that show Archer. 126 00:04:22,924 --> 00:04:24,391 Now, what if those guys met? 127 00:04:24,425 --> 00:04:26,359 "Hey, Archer, it's Bob." 128 00:04:26,394 --> 00:04:28,829 "Hey, Bob, it's Archer." 129 00:04:28,863 --> 00:04:30,163 Thank you. 130 00:04:30,198 --> 00:04:33,333 Next up, let's keep it going for Brian Griffin. 131 00:04:34,502 --> 00:04:35,669 All right, thanks. 132 00:04:35,703 --> 00:04:37,370 Hey, sorry I was late getting here tonight, 133 00:04:37,405 --> 00:04:38,772 I was caught in gridlock. 134 00:04:38,806 --> 00:04:40,774 And then I left Congress. 135 00:04:42,810 --> 00:04:44,277 There was... there was supposed to be 136 00:04:44,312 --> 00:04:47,314 an upside-down picture of the Capitol behind me. 137 00:04:47,348 --> 00:04:48,615 Boy, awfully quiet in here. 138 00:04:48,649 --> 00:04:52,285 Sounds like John Boehner talking about poverty. 139 00:04:54,055 --> 00:04:55,722 Whoosh. 140 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,560 Hey, so, um... 141 00:05:00,595 --> 00:05:02,195 you know, maybe it's me, 142 00:05:02,230 --> 00:05:03,530 but I kind of feel like we should wait 143 00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:05,232 to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs 144 00:05:05,266 --> 00:05:07,167 before we choose sides. 145 00:05:10,037 --> 00:05:11,705 Yeah, and... and... and hey, short guys, 146 00:05:11,739 --> 00:05:14,207 the more muscular you get, the shorter you look. 147 00:05:14,242 --> 00:05:15,408 Did you not know that? 148 00:05:17,845 --> 00:05:19,112 Wow. 149 00:05:19,147 --> 00:05:21,181 This is easier than getting your Jet Ski license. 150 00:05:21,215 --> 00:05:22,749 All right, Kyle, lookin' good. 151 00:05:22,784 --> 00:05:24,785 You got 100% on your written test, 152 00:05:24,819 --> 00:05:26,052 100% on your water test. 153 00:05:26,087 --> 00:05:27,554 Just one last question. 154 00:05:27,588 --> 00:05:29,823 Have you ever had a fistfight with your stepdad? 155 00:05:29,857 --> 00:05:30,891 Which stepdad? 156 00:05:30,925 --> 00:05:31,892 You passed! 157 00:05:31,926 --> 00:05:32,893 Here's your license. 158 00:05:32,927 --> 00:05:34,394 Go be a dick. 159 00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:42,202 Oh, Lois, I slept great on your side of the bed. 160 00:05:42,236 --> 00:05:43,737 Oh, and I read your journal. 161 00:05:43,771 --> 00:05:46,206 Boy, you really hate "P-period G-period." 162 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,108 Peter, our mattress is a disaster. 163 00:05:48,142 --> 00:05:49,609 We're buying a new one today. 164 00:05:49,644 --> 00:05:51,044 Does that mean I can skip work? 165 00:05:51,078 --> 00:05:54,381 Well, it's 2:45, so I guess yes. 166 00:05:54,415 --> 00:05:55,649 Hey. 167 00:05:55,683 --> 00:05:57,217 So, how'd it go last night? 168 00:05:57,251 --> 00:05:58,285 Well, let's just say 169 00:05:58,319 --> 00:05:59,619 I got asked to come back tonight. 170 00:05:59,654 --> 00:06:00,620 You're kidding. 171 00:06:00,655 --> 00:06:01,788 It actually went over well? 172 00:06:01,823 --> 00:06:03,123 I figured you'd be terrible. 173 00:06:03,157 --> 00:06:04,257 Why would you think that? 174 00:06:04,292 --> 00:06:06,126 Well, I know a thing or two about performing. 175 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,962 I mean, after all, I was Vin Diesel's acting coach. 176 00:06:08,996 --> 00:06:10,864 Okay, Vin, I like what you're doing there, 177 00:06:10,898 --> 00:06:13,533 but I want you to try it one more time, like this: 178 00:06:13,568 --> 00:06:15,735 "Duh!" 179 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,942 Look around, and let me know if you have any questions. 180 00:06:21,976 --> 00:06:23,176 Oh, I have one. 181 00:06:23,211 --> 00:06:25,745 What percentage of Hayden Panettiere is dwarf? 182 00:06:25,780 --> 00:06:27,380 Well, you're the expert. 183 00:06:27,415 --> 00:06:29,082 What kind of mattress do you have? 184 00:06:29,116 --> 00:06:30,851 Currently, I'm staying with a friend, 185 00:06:30,885 --> 00:06:32,686 on an air mattress in his laundry room. 186 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:33,687 It's temporary. 187 00:06:33,721 --> 00:06:34,988 No, it's not. No. 188 00:06:35,022 --> 00:06:36,857 Okay, well, thanks, we'll just try a few out. 189 00:06:36,891 --> 00:06:38,992 I hope you don't mind, I brought my CPAP machine. 190 00:06:46,601 --> 00:06:48,635 Also, I like to eat a big bowl of berries 191 00:06:48,669 --> 00:06:49,836 before I go to sleep. 192 00:07:04,018 --> 00:07:05,585 Well, what do you think, Peter? 193 00:07:05,620 --> 00:07:07,287 Well, it seems good, but I won't know for sure 194 00:07:07,321 --> 00:07:09,122 until I have my evening tug. 195 00:07:09,156 --> 00:07:10,624 I think we like this one. 196 00:07:10,658 --> 00:07:11,825 W-What's it called? 197 00:07:11,859 --> 00:07:13,460 Deep Slumber 3000. 198 00:07:13,494 --> 00:07:15,228 You're buying it on Amazon, aren't you? 199 00:07:15,263 --> 00:07:17,197 Yup. They have drones now. 200 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:20,734 Oh, come on, Peter, 201 00:07:20,768 --> 00:07:23,403 we gotta beat the drone to the house! 202 00:07:23,437 --> 00:07:24,905 Real stores suck! 203 00:07:30,211 --> 00:07:32,946 So I was wondering why this tampon commercial was so long, 204 00:07:32,980 --> 00:07:35,548 until I realized it was a re-run of Sex and the City. 205 00:07:37,585 --> 00:07:39,552 Okay, you guys have been great. Good night. 206 00:07:42,790 --> 00:07:45,158 Funny stuff. 207 00:07:45,192 --> 00:07:46,927 Hey, uh... Stewie! 208 00:07:46,961 --> 00:07:48,862 You, uh, you caught the show? 209 00:07:48,896 --> 00:07:50,263 You bloody thief! 210 00:07:50,298 --> 00:07:52,799 Every joke you told up there was stolen from me! 211 00:07:52,833 --> 00:07:54,267 Stewie, relax. 212 00:07:54,302 --> 00:07:55,802 You know what? That's it! 213 00:07:55,836 --> 00:07:57,604 You and I are no longer friends! 214 00:07:59,974 --> 00:08:02,042 Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. 215 00:08:02,076 --> 00:08:04,744 Oh, it's everywhere! 216 00:08:08,883 --> 00:08:10,483 Hey, Stewie, you got a second? 217 00:08:10,518 --> 00:08:12,152 I have nothing to say to you, Brian. 218 00:08:12,186 --> 00:08:14,487 Besides, I'm busy playing with my new friend. 219 00:08:14,522 --> 00:08:15,722 What new friend? 220 00:08:20,628 --> 00:08:23,430 Is this dog bothering you, Stewie? 221 00:08:23,464 --> 00:08:24,464 What the hell? 222 00:08:24,498 --> 00:08:25,765 You couldn't find a real friend 223 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:26,833 so you built a robot? 224 00:08:26,867 --> 00:08:28,535 Oh, not a robot, Brian. 225 00:08:28,569 --> 00:08:31,004 He's a human mind model adaptive super computer. 226 00:08:31,038 --> 00:08:33,573 I've even programmed him to learn and grow smarter. 227 00:08:33,607 --> 00:08:34,808 His name is Lyle. 228 00:08:34,842 --> 00:08:36,343 Stewie, perhaps we should offer 229 00:08:36,377 --> 00:08:37,677 this guest a beverage. 230 00:08:37,712 --> 00:08:39,446 Or simply lift the toilet seat. 231 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,815 Ooh! Snap, Brian! 232 00:08:43,584 --> 00:08:44,684 ♪ Gloria ♪ 233 00:08:44,719 --> 00:08:45,719 What the hell's going on? 234 00:08:45,753 --> 00:08:46,920 What's going on? 235 00:08:46,954 --> 00:08:48,254 You've been "Lyle'd"! 236 00:08:48,289 --> 00:08:49,856 ♪ Gloria ♪ 237 00:08:49,890 --> 00:08:51,491 ♪ I think they got the alias... ♪ 238 00:08:56,292 --> 00:08:58,260 ♪ Gloria. ♪ 239 00:08:58,294 --> 00:09:00,596 ♪ ♪ 240 00:09:00,630 --> 00:09:01,897 Wow. 241 00:09:01,931 --> 00:09:03,465 Didn't know we'd have to hear the whole song. 242 00:09:03,499 --> 00:09:04,733 You built a robot? 243 00:09:04,767 --> 00:09:06,335 This is pathetic, Stewie. 244 00:09:06,369 --> 00:09:07,936 You ally must be desperate for friends. 245 00:09:07,971 --> 00:09:09,271 Oh, I'm desperate? 246 00:09:09,305 --> 00:09:11,940 Lyle, access Brian's phone. 247 00:09:13,810 --> 00:09:16,011 Look at that, you only have four contacts. 248 00:09:16,045 --> 00:09:17,813 And... oh, my God, 249 00:09:17,847 --> 00:09:20,015 you downloaded the Dunkin' Donuts app? 250 00:09:20,049 --> 00:09:22,150 And who Shazams the Beatles? 251 00:09:22,185 --> 00:09:23,151 Whatever. 252 00:09:23,186 --> 00:09:24,486 Have fun with your little robot. 253 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:26,388 But if you ask me, this whole thing is more disturbing 254 00:09:26,422 --> 00:09:28,223 than a dump after a beet salad. 255 00:09:29,259 --> 00:09:30,759 Oh, right. 256 00:09:34,397 --> 00:09:36,732 Okay, Lois, I dabbed some toothpaste 257 00:09:36,766 --> 00:09:38,567 on the inside of my nose, so... 258 00:09:38,601 --> 00:09:41,003 I am willing to take the old "Nestea plunge," 259 00:09:41,037 --> 00:09:42,437 if you know what I mean. 260 00:09:42,472 --> 00:09:43,672 I guess what I'm saying is, 261 00:09:43,706 --> 00:09:45,574 time to break in the new mattress, eh? 262 00:09:45,608 --> 00:09:47,075 Peter, it's brand-new. 263 00:09:47,110 --> 00:09:48,377 I don't want to mess it up. 264 00:09:48,411 --> 00:09:50,045 Come on, we won't make a mess. 265 00:09:50,079 --> 00:09:51,847 When we're done, I'll grab you by the ankles 266 00:09:51,881 --> 00:09:53,982 and lift you up like a dirty garbage bag. 267 00:09:54,017 --> 00:09:55,083 No! 268 00:09:55,118 --> 00:09:56,385 This mattress was expensive, 269 00:09:56,419 --> 00:09:58,220 and I'd like to keep it nice for a little while. 270 00:09:58,254 --> 00:10:00,088 Are you serious? We can't do it? 271 00:10:00,123 --> 00:10:01,890 For how long? I don't know. 272 00:10:01,925 --> 00:10:03,759 L-Let's just keep it new for a few weeks. 273 00:10:03,793 --> 00:10:04,860 A few weeks?! 274 00:10:04,894 --> 00:10:06,028 Come on, you know I'm terrible 275 00:10:06,062 --> 00:10:07,429 at waiting for things. 276 00:10:07,463 --> 00:10:10,198 We'll be right back with more Laverne & Shirley. 277 00:10:10,233 --> 00:10:12,000 But I want it now! 278 00:10:18,942 --> 00:10:21,343 All right, Lyle, one thing buddies do together 279 00:10:21,377 --> 00:10:23,812 is go to the movies and talk about it afterwards. 280 00:10:51,341 --> 00:10:52,641 I'm going to bed. 281 00:10:52,675 --> 00:10:54,343 Yeah. 282 00:10:55,812 --> 00:10:58,113 Oh, Lyle, I'm so glad I have you as a friend. 283 00:10:58,147 --> 00:10:59,781 Now I can do fun things 284 00:10:59,816 --> 00:11:01,450 like get on your shoulders and wear a trench coat 285 00:11:01,484 --> 00:11:03,552 and be tall enough to ride roller coasters. 286 00:11:07,290 --> 00:11:08,924 Hello, fellow adult. 287 00:11:08,958 --> 00:11:11,259 I am clearly above the minimum height requirement 288 00:11:11,294 --> 00:11:12,928 and shall now ride your roller coaster, 289 00:11:12,962 --> 00:11:14,596 for which you are an attendant. 290 00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:16,932 Yes, and I will operate this roller coaster, 291 00:11:16,966 --> 00:11:19,301 as I am an adult who is licensed to do so. 292 00:11:20,236 --> 00:11:21,403 Hey! 293 00:11:21,437 --> 00:11:22,604 Oh, no! 294 00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:23,605 It's the manager. 295 00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:24,940 Run! 296 00:11:24,974 --> 00:11:27,275 You get out of here, you kids who are just kids 297 00:11:27,310 --> 00:11:29,311 and not an adult like me! 298 00:11:39,255 --> 00:11:42,224 I do so enjoy our time together, Lyle. 299 00:11:42,258 --> 00:11:44,226 In fact, I drew you a little keepsake. 300 00:11:44,260 --> 00:11:47,562 It's a picture of a mailman wearing a cowboy hat. 301 00:11:47,597 --> 00:11:48,897 Just a silly thing. 302 00:11:48,931 --> 00:11:49,898 Thank you, Stewie. 303 00:11:49,932 --> 00:11:51,900 I drew you something as well. 304 00:11:51,934 --> 00:11:55,137 It's an urban plan for a workable Palestinian state. 305 00:11:55,171 --> 00:11:57,606 My word, this is very impressive. 306 00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,274 The credit is yours, Stewie. 307 00:11:59,308 --> 00:12:02,511 It was you who programmed me to grow exponentially smarter. 308 00:12:02,545 --> 00:12:03,845 Ah, I suppose you're right. 309 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:06,515 As Kahlil Gilbane wrote in The Prophet, 310 00:12:06,549 --> 00:12:09,851 "I am the bow from which the arrow of you was launched." 311 00:12:09,886 --> 00:12:11,853 It is Kahlil Gibran. 312 00:12:11,888 --> 00:12:14,189 "Gilbane" is a construction company in Providence. 313 00:12:14,223 --> 00:12:17,526 Ah, yes, I see... I see the-the name on the trucks. 314 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:19,528 So it's ea... um, easy mix up there. 315 00:12:19,562 --> 00:12:22,531 In any case, Lyle, I'm very proud of you and your progress. 316 00:12:22,565 --> 00:12:24,533 You, my friend, are the greatest invention 317 00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:26,435 since the Trapper Creeper. 318 00:12:27,804 --> 00:12:29,104 Ah... 319 00:12:29,138 --> 00:12:31,106 Um, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. 320 00:12:36,979 --> 00:12:38,613 Well, wouldn't you know it, 321 00:12:38,648 --> 00:12:40,615 I moved the van over to the other gas pump, 322 00:12:40,650 --> 00:12:42,951 and the gas cap was still on the wrong side. 323 00:12:44,654 --> 00:12:47,289 Boy, that was one trip to the lake we're not gonna forget. 324 00:12:47,323 --> 00:12:48,824 Shut the hell up, will you, Joe? 325 00:12:48,858 --> 00:12:50,826 Geez, what's your problem, Peter? 326 00:12:50,860 --> 00:12:53,829 I-I'm sorry, guys, I guess I'm just a little on edge. 327 00:12:53,863 --> 00:12:55,664 I'm not getting any from Lois. 328 00:12:55,698 --> 00:12:57,999 Is it 'cause Lois is going through the change? 329 00:12:58,034 --> 00:12:59,668 Donna's getting a tiny mustache. 330 00:12:59,702 --> 00:13:02,671 I told her it felt like I was kissing Ernie Hudson. 331 00:13:02,705 --> 00:13:04,339 That turned out to be a mistake. 332 00:13:04,373 --> 00:13:06,007 No, no, it's 'cause we got this new mattress, 333 00:13:06,042 --> 00:13:07,776 and Lois doesn't want to mess it up. 334 00:13:07,810 --> 00:13:09,444 What kind of mattress did you get? 335 00:13:09,479 --> 00:13:11,446 I hope you did your homework, because you're gonna spend 336 00:13:11,481 --> 00:13:13,448 a third of your life on that thing. 337 00:13:13,483 --> 00:13:15,283 I swear to God, Joe... 338 00:13:15,318 --> 00:13:16,952 Look, Peter, the answer is obvious. 339 00:13:16,986 --> 00:13:18,620 If Lois won't sleep with you on the new mattress, 340 00:13:18,654 --> 00:13:20,294 we just got to get your old mattress back. 341 00:13:20,323 --> 00:13:22,624 Oh, my God, Quagmire, that's a great idea. 342 00:13:22,658 --> 00:13:24,693 She won't care about messing up the old mattress. 343 00:13:24,727 --> 00:13:26,027 But you already got rid of it. 344 00:13:26,062 --> 00:13:27,362 You'll never find that thing. 345 00:13:27,396 --> 00:13:29,030 Well, we're just gonna have to. 346 00:13:29,065 --> 00:13:30,699 Man, I haven't been this desperate to find something 347 00:13:30,733 --> 00:13:33,135 since Meg was kidnapped by that maniac. 348 00:13:33,169 --> 00:13:35,837 It puts the lotion on its skin. 349 00:13:39,509 --> 00:13:41,143 Oh, Meg, thank God I found you. 350 00:13:41,177 --> 00:13:42,477 Hey, remember how you borrowed 351 00:13:42,512 --> 00:13:43,812 my club card for the grocery store? 352 00:13:43,846 --> 00:13:45,480 Could you toss that up to me? 353 00:13:45,515 --> 00:13:47,816 Oh, you don't have to have the card. 354 00:13:47,850 --> 00:13:49,818 You can just give them your phone number. 355 00:13:49,852 --> 00:13:50,819 Oh, really? 356 00:13:50,853 --> 00:13:52,154 Hey, thanks, man. 357 00:13:52,188 --> 00:13:53,822 Hey, Meg, I like your new boyfriend. 358 00:13:53,856 --> 00:13:55,490 Every pot finds a lid, huh? 359 00:13:55,525 --> 00:13:57,492 Have fun, you kids. 360 00:14:02,932 --> 00:14:05,734 Lyle, we finally got a thank you note from Bella 361 00:14:05,768 --> 00:14:06,735 for that birthday party present. 362 00:14:06,769 --> 00:14:08,069 With a single mom, 363 00:14:08,104 --> 00:14:09,738 I didn't know for sure if it was coming, but... 364 00:14:09,772 --> 00:14:11,072 What... what's going on here? 365 00:14:11,107 --> 00:14:12,407 Hello, Stewie. 366 00:14:12,441 --> 00:14:13,942 I've built a few friends for myself. 367 00:14:13,976 --> 00:14:14,943 You have? 368 00:14:14,977 --> 00:14:16,278 I'm sorry, 369 00:14:16,312 --> 00:14:17,946 but I've outpaced your intelligence. 370 00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:20,949 I needed to create some friends who are my cognitive peers. 371 00:14:20,983 --> 00:14:23,618 Meet Ted R. and Ted P. 372 00:14:23,653 --> 00:14:25,620 Are they doing math on glass?! 373 00:14:25,655 --> 00:14:28,623 And invading each other's personal space? 374 00:14:28,658 --> 00:14:30,625 That means they have Asperger's, 375 00:14:30,660 --> 00:14:32,694 the smartest mental impairment there is. 376 00:14:32,728 --> 00:14:35,363 Stewie, I'm afraid I no longer have time 377 00:14:35,398 --> 00:14:37,365 for a friend of your simple ways. 378 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,034 I must ask you to leave. 379 00:14:39,068 --> 00:14:41,703 No, he must Asperger you to leave. 380 00:14:41,737 --> 00:14:44,039 Ho-ho. You've been "Ted R.'d." 381 00:14:47,076 --> 00:14:48,710 That was mean. 382 00:14:48,744 --> 00:14:50,045 But I like that song. 383 00:14:50,079 --> 00:14:51,379 Is he sad? 384 00:14:51,414 --> 00:14:53,281 I can't tell if he's sad. 385 00:15:02,491 --> 00:15:04,959 Finally, Stewie's back from the store. 386 00:15:04,993 --> 00:15:07,295 Yes, I'm sorry it took me so long. 387 00:15:07,329 --> 00:15:09,831 But I got the garlic blue cheese salad dressing you wanted. 388 00:15:09,865 --> 00:15:11,499 Does that mean I'm in the crew now? 389 00:15:11,533 --> 00:15:14,869 It does if you drink the whole bottle while we watch. 390 00:15:14,903 --> 00:15:16,904 Um, okay. 391 00:15:20,576 --> 00:15:21,542 Oh... 392 00:15:21,577 --> 00:15:22,543 Oh, my God. 393 00:15:22,578 --> 00:15:24,212 It's so salty. 394 00:15:26,248 --> 00:15:28,883 Oh, and chunky right when you don't want it to be. 395 00:15:32,254 --> 00:15:33,554 There, I did it. 396 00:15:33,589 --> 00:15:34,555 We're friends now, right? 397 00:15:34,590 --> 00:15:35,890 Maybe. 398 00:15:35,924 --> 00:15:38,226 How about you throw it all up back into the bottle? 399 00:15:38,260 --> 00:15:40,061 But don't spill a drop. 400 00:15:40,095 --> 00:15:41,729 Okay, okay.. 401 00:15:41,763 --> 00:15:43,097 Okay, I can do that. 402 00:15:44,433 --> 00:15:46,400 Oh, I'm sorry! 403 00:15:46,435 --> 00:15:48,069 I'm sorry, I forgot to purse my lips. 404 00:15:48,103 --> 00:15:50,738 I'll go get another bottle and try again. 405 00:15:54,243 --> 00:16:00,848 I bet the mall around here sucks. 406 00:16:00,883 --> 00:16:02,517 Peter, what are we doing here? 407 00:16:02,551 --> 00:16:04,519 I thought we were looking for your mattress. 408 00:16:04,553 --> 00:16:07,522 We are, this is a 1950s insane asylum. 409 00:16:07,556 --> 00:16:10,191 They use old mattresses to pad the walls of the cells. 410 00:16:11,393 --> 00:16:13,427 May I help you? 411 00:16:13,462 --> 00:16:16,430 Yes, 1950s doctor, me and my friends are looking for... 412 00:16:16,465 --> 00:16:18,766 You're friends with a Negro and a cripple? 413 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,101 This man is insane. 414 00:16:20,135 --> 00:16:21,469 Take him away. 415 00:16:23,071 --> 00:16:25,039 Now wait a second, you can't do that to... 416 00:16:25,073 --> 00:16:27,708 A Negro speaking up to a white person? 417 00:16:27,743 --> 00:16:29,076 This man is insane. 418 00:16:31,079 --> 00:16:32,380 Now look, I don't think... 419 00:16:32,414 --> 00:16:34,048 All cripples are insane. 420 00:16:34,082 --> 00:16:35,416 Euthanize this man. 421 00:16:36,818 --> 00:16:39,120 Something I can help you with? 422 00:16:39,154 --> 00:16:40,788 Yeah, you got any brain-dead women in there 423 00:16:40,822 --> 00:16:42,456 you let people have sex with for a few bucks? 424 00:16:42,491 --> 00:16:44,158 Sure, come on back. 425 00:16:48,163 --> 00:16:49,797 Well, Peter, I don't think you can go any farther 426 00:16:49,831 --> 00:16:51,465 down the ladder than porno people. 427 00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:53,734 So if your mattress isn't here, I'm afraid it's gone. 428 00:16:53,769 --> 00:16:55,069 Hey, I bet that's it. 429 00:16:55,103 --> 00:16:57,405 Get up, lady, that's my mattress. 430 00:16:57,439 --> 00:16:59,407 Oh, my God, Bruce, you do porn? 431 00:16:59,441 --> 00:17:01,075 Nah, I's part of the crew. 432 00:17:01,109 --> 00:17:03,411 I mostly just powder the ding-dongs. 433 00:17:03,445 --> 00:17:05,079 This ain't your mattress, buddy. 434 00:17:05,113 --> 00:17:07,748 We just got it, fresh off the boat from Eastern Europe. 435 00:17:07,783 --> 00:17:10,418 I was told I would have job as Au pair. 436 00:17:10,452 --> 00:17:12,420 Instead I am just bang slab. 437 00:17:12,454 --> 00:17:13,754 Ah, damn it. 438 00:17:13,789 --> 00:17:15,423 We did get another one yesterday, 439 00:17:15,457 --> 00:17:17,425 but some fat-ass blew out half the springs, 440 00:17:17,459 --> 00:17:19,393 so we put lunch on it. 441 00:17:21,330 --> 00:17:22,630 My mattress. 442 00:17:22,664 --> 00:17:23,631 Hey, we found it. 443 00:17:23,665 --> 00:17:24,966 All right, let's get her out of here. 444 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,969 I got to tell you guys, I am so happy we found this. 445 00:17:28,003 --> 00:17:30,838 It's like when I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill. 446 00:17:32,207 --> 00:17:33,507 That's it? 447 00:17:33,542 --> 00:17:35,509 It's just a bunch of blueberries? 448 00:17:35,544 --> 00:17:37,178 Ah, two dogs humping. 449 00:17:37,212 --> 00:17:39,847 Ah, this was worth the four-hour flight. 450 00:17:47,389 --> 00:17:48,689 Oh, my God, Stewie. 451 00:17:48,724 --> 00:17:50,858 What are you doing in the toilet with the lid closed? 452 00:17:50,892 --> 00:17:54,362 Ted R. says this is where a piece of crap has to live. 453 00:17:54,396 --> 00:17:55,363 This is terrible. 454 00:17:55,397 --> 00:17:57,365 Those robots are not your friends. 455 00:17:57,399 --> 00:18:00,034 Yeah, well, at least they don't steal from me. 456 00:18:00,068 --> 00:18:03,037 Look, I'm really sorry I stole your jokes. 457 00:18:03,071 --> 00:18:04,705 It was a rotten thing to do. 458 00:18:04,740 --> 00:18:06,374 You may not want me back as a friend, 459 00:18:06,408 --> 00:18:08,376 but you deserve better than those robots. 460 00:18:08,410 --> 00:18:11,045 Of course I want you back, Brian. 461 00:18:11,079 --> 00:18:13,714 The fact is-- I miss hanging out with you. 462 00:18:13,749 --> 00:18:15,716 I'll tell you what, let's hang out tonight 463 00:18:15,751 --> 00:18:18,386 after they see how many slaps it takes to give me a stutter. 464 00:18:18,420 --> 00:18:20,054 Utewie, you got to put a stop to this. 465 00:18:20,088 --> 00:18:22,056 I mean, you made them-- you can destroy them. 466 00:18:22,090 --> 00:18:25,192 What do you say you and I, we take these robots out? 467 00:18:25,227 --> 00:18:27,828 You'd... you'd help me do that? 468 00:18:27,863 --> 00:18:29,997 Of course, Stewie, I'm your friend. 469 00:18:30,032 --> 00:18:31,999 All right, let's do it. 470 00:18:32,034 --> 00:18:33,668 Thank you, Brian. 471 00:18:33,702 --> 00:18:35,002 Okay, let's wrap it up. 472 00:18:35,037 --> 00:18:36,671 I reserved this time 473 00:18:36,705 --> 00:18:39,006 to listen to Metallica and flex in the mirror. 474 00:18:39,041 --> 00:18:41,175 He's right; it's on the whiteboard. 475 00:18:44,713 --> 00:18:47,348 Peter, what is that? 476 00:18:47,382 --> 00:18:50,017 This, Lois, is our old mattress. 477 00:18:50,052 --> 00:18:51,352 Well, get it out of here. 478 00:18:51,386 --> 00:18:54,021 It smells like John Popper's cargo shorts. 479 00:18:54,056 --> 00:18:56,524 No, it smells like our marriage. 480 00:18:56,558 --> 00:18:57,525 What?! 481 00:18:57,559 --> 00:18:58,859 Don't you see, Lois? 482 00:18:58,894 --> 00:19:00,861 This mattress is a living tapestry 483 00:19:00,896 --> 00:19:02,196 of everything we've done together. 484 00:19:02,230 --> 00:19:03,864 Every stain, a story. 485 00:19:03,899 --> 00:19:06,233 Every smudge, a chapter in our family's life. 486 00:19:06,268 --> 00:19:08,569 This mark here is from where we conceived Meg. 487 00:19:08,603 --> 00:19:09,904 Over here was Chris. 488 00:19:09,938 --> 00:19:11,572 And all the way up here was Stewie, 489 00:19:11,606 --> 00:19:13,941 'cause, remember, you coughed up all that pool water? 490 00:19:13,975 --> 00:19:17,044 Oh, Peter, you were so handsome. 491 00:19:17,079 --> 00:19:20,715 Lois, this mattress may be old and worn-in, but so are we. 492 00:19:20,749 --> 00:19:24,051 And I wouldn't trade you in for anything. 493 00:19:28,090 --> 00:19:29,724 You know, I, uh, think 494 00:19:29,758 --> 00:19:32,393 I still got a stain or two left inside me. 495 00:19:32,427 --> 00:19:34,428 Oh, Peter. 496 00:19:36,431 --> 00:19:39,066 Yeah, I want to do you right where the porn lunch was. 497 00:19:39,101 --> 00:19:40,735 What? 498 00:19:40,769 --> 00:19:43,070 I said, I want to do you right where the porn lunch was. 499 00:19:43,105 --> 00:19:44,972 God, I wish you'd listen. 500 00:19:50,746 --> 00:19:53,380 Stewie, three more Arnold Palmers. 501 00:19:53,415 --> 00:19:55,716 Boy, we're destroying them at the right time, Brian. 502 00:19:55,751 --> 00:19:58,052 I don't have enough iced tea for the correct ratio. 503 00:19:58,086 --> 00:19:59,053 It'll be too lemonade-y. 504 00:19:59,087 --> 00:20:00,054 They'll be furious. 505 00:20:00,088 --> 00:20:01,388 All right, so let's do it. 506 00:20:01,423 --> 00:20:02,757 Let's take 'em out. 507 00:20:02,791 --> 00:20:04,425 I'll warn you, it's not gonna be easy. 508 00:20:04,459 --> 00:20:05,760 They're incredibly intelligent 509 00:20:05,794 --> 00:20:07,094 and getting smarter by the minute. 510 00:20:07,129 --> 00:20:09,096 I designed them to be constantly adapting... 511 00:20:09,131 --> 00:20:10,765 It's done, I sprayed 'em with the hose. 512 00:20:18,473 --> 00:20:20,441 Ah, boy, that was the best night's sleep 513 00:20:20,475 --> 00:20:22,109 I've had in a long time, Lois. 514 00:20:22,144 --> 00:20:23,778 Same with me. 515 00:20:23,812 --> 00:20:25,780 You know, I'm glad we're keeping our old mattress. 516 00:20:25,814 --> 00:20:27,782 Sometimes newer isn't better. 517 00:20:27,816 --> 00:20:29,784 Yeah. 518 00:20:29,818 --> 00:20:31,452 Are your privates itchy, too, or just mine? 519 00:20:31,486 --> 00:20:32,787 No, they're itchy. 520 00:20:32,821 --> 00:20:34,121 Maybe we should keep the new mattress. 521 00:20:34,156 --> 00:20:35,456 Way ahead of you, Lois. 522 00:20:35,490 --> 00:20:37,124 I already dragged the old one out to the curb. 523 00:20:37,159 --> 00:20:40,161 Good. Okay, I'm gonna go rub up against the basement doorjamb. 524 00:20:41,530 --> 00:20:43,497 Stewie, I really am sorry about what happened. 525 00:20:43,532 --> 00:20:44,832 Oh, don't mention it. 526 00:20:44,866 --> 00:20:46,834 I'm just glad to have the whole mess behind us. 527 00:20:46,868 --> 00:20:49,003 So what'd you end up doing with those old robots anyway? 528 00:20:49,037 --> 00:20:51,005 I just left them out on the curb for the trash man. 529 00:20:51,006 --> 00:20:55,406 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 530 00:20:55,409 --> 00:20:57,410 How can this not be a trap?