1 00:00:33,451 --> 00:00:35,371 - Peter, did you brush your teeth? - No. 2 00:00:35,451 --> 00:00:37,371 - Peter, brush your teeth. - I don't wanna. 3 00:00:37,491 --> 00:00:38,611 Peter, brush your teeth. 4 00:00:38,811 --> 00:00:39,930 No, it's stupid. 5 00:00:40,050 --> 00:00:42,186 Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. 6 00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:43,250 - No! - Open your mouth. 7 00:00:43,370 --> 00:00:44,426 - No! No! - Peter, open your mouth! 8 00:00:44,450 --> 00:00:46,250 Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth! 9 00:00:47,370 --> 00:00:48,410 Peter, did you hear that? 10 00:00:55,329 --> 00:00:57,689 Oh, my God, there are men breaking into our house. 11 00:00:57,809 --> 00:00:59,369 Dad, what is it? What's going on? 12 00:00:59,449 --> 00:01:00,529 I heard a noise. 13 00:01:00,649 --> 00:01:02,569 Is somebody downstairs? 14 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,648 Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry. 15 00:01:04,728 --> 00:01:06,728 What the hell's your problem, you dumbass? 16 00:01:06,808 --> 00:01:08,568 What the deuce is all the commotion? 17 00:01:08,688 --> 00:01:10,088 Quick, everyone get in the attic. 18 00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:15,888 Peter, what is that? 19 00:01:16,448 --> 00:01:18,327 Well, I got the idea to build a panic room 20 00:01:18,407 --> 00:01:20,727 after I saw that movie, The Butterfly Effect. 21 00:01:20,807 --> 00:01:22,807 I thought, " Wow, this is terrible. 22 00:01:22,927 --> 00:01:25,927 "I wish I could escape to a place where this movie couldn't find me," 23 00:01:26,007 --> 00:01:28,207 - and then... - What the hell are we waiting for? 24 00:01:30,926 --> 00:01:32,846 These monitors are for watching the house. 25 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,326 See, there's Stewie's room, Chris' room, Meg's room... 26 00:01:35,446 --> 00:01:36,702 Peter, there's no phone in here. 27 00:01:36,726 --> 00:01:37,942 How are we gonna call the police? 28 00:01:37,966 --> 00:01:39,406 Oh, my God. We're all gonna die! 29 00:01:39,486 --> 00:01:40,486 That's not true. 30 00:01:40,566 --> 00:01:42,005 We'll survive by eating each other. 31 00:01:42,125 --> 00:01:45,845 But I think it's important for the last one of us left alive to know this story. 32 00:01:45,965 --> 00:01:48,525 The story of the Griffin family history. 33 00:01:48,605 --> 00:01:50,165 Here's how it all began. 34 00:01:50,285 --> 00:01:52,685 Everything started with the big bang. 35 00:01:52,765 --> 00:01:53,925 It was a Saturday night, 36 00:01:54,005 --> 00:01:56,364 and God and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling. 37 00:01:56,444 --> 00:01:58,644 You're going down, man. 38 00:02:00,124 --> 00:02:02,124 Oh, dude, that is sick. 39 00:02:02,324 --> 00:02:04,364 Yeah! Undefeated! 40 00:02:04,444 --> 00:02:08,083 Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter. 41 00:02:12,563 --> 00:02:13,803 You smell that? 42 00:02:13,923 --> 00:02:17,763 Then, over millions of years, evolution took its course. 43 00:02:25,322 --> 00:02:27,482 Of course, I'm obligated by the State of Kansas 44 00:02:27,602 --> 00:02:30,562 to present the Church's alternative to the theory of evolution. 45 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:48,400 And the noblest of all those early creatures was the dinosaur. 46 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,640 Hey, Lois. I'm gonna go nail a couple of dinosaurs in the next valley. 47 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:53,080 Peter, that's terrible. 48 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:54,360 Hey, I don't know any better. 49 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,320 I'm a dinosaur. I don't have morals. 50 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:57,639 Hey, a herpesaur. 51 00:02:57,759 --> 00:02:59,015 Hey, Peter, does your tail itch? 52 00:02:59,039 --> 00:03:01,279 After that, a meteor hit the earth, 53 00:03:01,359 --> 00:03:03,479 turning it into a block of ice for some reason. 54 00:03:03,599 --> 00:03:05,919 But then it thawed and cavemen came. 55 00:03:08,319 --> 00:03:09,678 Why Peter look sad? 56 00:03:09,798 --> 00:03:13,318 Brian, Peter invent wheel. Peter show wheel to people in town, 57 00:03:13,398 --> 00:03:14,558 but no one want wheel. 58 00:03:14,638 --> 00:03:16,558 Everyone excited about trapezoid. 59 00:03:16,638 --> 00:03:17,798 No one buy wheel. 60 00:03:17,878 --> 00:03:19,198 Peter, you invent wheel? 61 00:03:19,278 --> 00:03:20,358 That big breakthrough. 62 00:03:20,518 --> 00:03:21,653 This maybe make you millionaire. 63 00:03:21,677 --> 00:03:23,637 Then how come no one buy Peter wheel? 64 00:03:23,757 --> 00:03:25,357 Maybe sales pitch not good enough. 65 00:03:25,477 --> 00:03:26,717 Brian help. 66 00:03:28,957 --> 00:03:30,957 Okay, sell wheel just like practice. 67 00:03:31,117 --> 00:03:32,197 Not sure can do it. 68 00:03:32,317 --> 00:03:33,956 You so money. Don't know it. 69 00:03:34,076 --> 00:03:35,436 Hi, me Peter. 70 00:03:35,596 --> 00:03:36,996 Tired walking everyplace? 71 00:03:37,156 --> 00:03:38,556 Need something make you go? 72 00:03:38,636 --> 00:03:40,196 Peter wheel make you go. 73 00:03:40,276 --> 00:03:42,316 Maybe Joe want try wheel on chair. 74 00:03:42,436 --> 00:03:44,356 For last time, Joe no want. 75 00:03:47,955 --> 00:03:49,795 Brian, Peter fail again. 76 00:03:49,875 --> 00:03:52,315 Not so fast. Brian have other idea. 77 00:03:53,035 --> 00:03:55,835 Anyone buy wheel get dead bird. 78 00:03:57,275 --> 00:03:59,114 Not working. Try drastic measure. 79 00:03:59,234 --> 00:04:01,034 Brian, what hell? 80 00:04:01,194 --> 00:04:02,474 Hot lady next to wheel. 81 00:04:02,594 --> 00:04:03,794 Make me want wheel. 82 00:04:03,914 --> 00:04:07,394 Maybe if me buy wheel, me get pretty lady, too. I buy wheel. 83 00:04:09,314 --> 00:04:12,153 People want Peter wheel thanks to sexy wife. 84 00:04:12,233 --> 00:04:14,793 Tonight you and me party like it's nine. 85 00:04:16,233 --> 00:04:19,073 Damn all. What deuce? Victory's Stewie's. 86 00:04:19,233 --> 00:04:21,793 There have been many great Griffins throughout history, 87 00:04:21,873 --> 00:04:24,952 including Moses Griffin, who led the Jews out of Egypt. 88 00:04:26,992 --> 00:04:29,152 All right, it's gonna be a long journey, everyone, 89 00:04:29,232 --> 00:04:31,152 but I will lead you to freedom. 90 00:04:31,272 --> 00:04:33,232 Now, Jews, ho! 91 00:04:37,151 --> 00:04:38,951 Here we are, the Red Sea. 92 00:04:39,071 --> 00:04:40,551 Now, all we gotta do is swim across. 93 00:04:40,671 --> 00:04:41,831 I didn't bring my trunks. 94 00:04:41,951 --> 00:04:43,391 I don't want to step on a shell. 95 00:04:43,511 --> 00:04:45,031 I can't get water in my ears. 96 00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:46,591 I ate 20 minutes ago. 97 00:04:46,671 --> 00:04:49,230 You know, what they flush in Cairo ends up right here. 98 00:04:49,350 --> 00:04:52,070 All right, I'll see what I can do. 99 00:04:59,310 --> 00:05:01,069 Oh, I can part the Red Sea. 100 00:05:01,189 --> 00:05:03,949 You know he hasn't talked to his brother in three years? 101 00:05:05,829 --> 00:05:07,149 All right, listen up. 102 00:05:07,269 --> 00:05:09,949 Before we go any further, I'm gonna lay down a few rules, all right? 103 00:05:09,989 --> 00:05:12,069 Commandment Number One: Shut the hell up. 104 00:05:12,189 --> 00:05:15,508 Commandment Number two: There's nothing I can do about the sun. 105 00:05:15,588 --> 00:05:16,588 Commandment Number three: 106 00:05:16,708 --> 00:05:19,428 There are no more Jolly Ranchers, they're all gone. 107 00:05:19,548 --> 00:05:20,548 Commandment Number four: 108 00:05:20,628 --> 00:05:23,708 When we pass a billboard, please don't read it out loud, all right? 109 00:05:23,828 --> 00:05:25,268 Now, come on, let's get going. 110 00:05:28,227 --> 00:05:31,387 Ooh, look at that. "Danny Gans, Entertainer of the Year." 111 00:05:31,507 --> 00:05:32,747 What did I say? 112 00:05:32,867 --> 00:05:34,747 "Hassle-free checking." Damn it! 113 00:05:34,827 --> 00:05:37,107 "Mancow in the morning." - Shut up! 114 00:05:37,627 --> 00:05:39,706 Peter, can we stop the stories for a minute? 115 00:05:39,786 --> 00:05:41,706 We need to figure out how we're gonna survive. 116 00:05:41,826 --> 00:05:43,466 I mean, is there even any food in here? 117 00:05:43,586 --> 00:05:44,586 Right, good thinking. 118 00:05:44,666 --> 00:05:45,946 Meg, go get us some sandwiches. 119 00:05:46,026 --> 00:05:47,362 Wait a minute, that's a great idea. 120 00:05:47,386 --> 00:05:48,666 If Meg can get through the vent, 121 00:05:48,706 --> 00:05:49,962 she can sneak out and go get help. 122 00:05:49,986 --> 00:05:51,625 Dad, I can't go through the vent. 123 00:05:51,745 --> 00:05:54,361 Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck. 124 00:05:54,385 --> 00:05:55,545 Everybody, spit on Meg. 125 00:05:55,665 --> 00:05:58,545 Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay, okay! 126 00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:01,625 I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there. 127 00:06:01,745 --> 00:06:03,161 Come on, they're not gonna touch you. 128 00:06:03,185 --> 00:06:04,185 You're covered with spit. 129 00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:05,664 Be careful, Meg. 130 00:06:08,024 --> 00:06:09,304 I hate you all! 131 00:06:09,464 --> 00:06:10,784 Hey, I hate you too, bitch. 132 00:06:10,864 --> 00:06:12,784 Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine? 133 00:06:16,863 --> 00:06:18,823 You think Meg made it through the vent? 134 00:06:18,943 --> 00:06:20,183 Well, let's find out. 135 00:06:21,343 --> 00:06:23,343 Oh, there she is. She's in the kitchen. 136 00:06:23,423 --> 00:06:26,183 Hey, Meg. I see you there in the kitchen. 137 00:06:26,303 --> 00:06:28,222 Put my sandwich on whole wheat, please. 138 00:06:28,342 --> 00:06:29,678 No, no, no, no, don't use that mustard. 139 00:06:29,702 --> 00:06:30,942 Use the other mustard. 140 00:06:31,062 --> 00:06:32,518 Oh, God, Meg, they know you're there. 141 00:06:32,542 --> 00:06:33,782 Quick, scrape that mustard off. 142 00:06:33,822 --> 00:06:34,902 Use the other mustard! 143 00:06:34,982 --> 00:06:37,662 Oh, no. The burglars got my baby. 144 00:06:38,742 --> 00:06:41,501 I think they're making a sign to tell us something. 145 00:06:41,621 --> 00:06:44,301 Better not be using my crayons, mixing them up. 146 00:06:45,981 --> 00:06:47,621 "We have your son." 147 00:06:47,901 --> 00:06:49,541 Meg's our daughter. 148 00:06:52,541 --> 00:06:53,980 Peter, do something! 149 00:06:54,060 --> 00:06:58,060 You know, Meg being captured by evil men reminds me of another story. 150 00:06:58,140 --> 00:06:59,500 It's distracting. 151 00:06:59,580 --> 00:07:02,460 Um, this is the story of my ancestor Nate Griffin. 152 00:07:02,540 --> 00:07:04,500 Of course, Nate Griffin was his slave name. 153 00:07:04,620 --> 00:07:06,739 His real name was Richard Bachman. 154 00:07:06,859 --> 00:07:09,419 And this is the story of his roots. 155 00:07:10,219 --> 00:07:14,179 It all began in Africa in the tiny village of Quahogswana 156 00:07:14,299 --> 00:07:17,819 where he was a proud member of the tribe of Tootie-and-Blair. 157 00:07:17,978 --> 00:07:20,138 Hey, Quagdingo, how was your date last night? 158 00:07:20,218 --> 00:07:22,778 Oh, it was awesome. You never feel as big as you do with a pygmy. 159 00:07:22,898 --> 00:07:25,738 Hey, you guys wanna go get a drink at Club 227? 160 00:07:25,818 --> 00:07:27,018 Not today, Joemama. 161 00:07:27,098 --> 00:07:29,138 I'm going off to find a log to build a drum, 162 00:07:29,218 --> 00:07:31,297 so I can play the opening part from Hot For Teacher. 163 00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:32,417 I'll see you guys later. 164 00:07:32,537 --> 00:07:33,777 Coming up in this half hour, 165 00:07:33,897 --> 00:07:36,257 flies on your face: How many is too many? 166 00:07:36,377 --> 00:07:37,937 But first, that orange thing in the sky 167 00:07:38,017 --> 00:07:39,417 and what you can do to please it. 168 00:07:44,216 --> 00:07:46,072 You know, you shouldn't be poking around out here. 169 00:07:46,096 --> 00:07:47,616 White men have been spotted nearby, 170 00:07:47,736 --> 00:07:51,256 laying traps and forming slo-pitch softball leagues. 171 00:07:51,376 --> 00:07:52,696 Well, whatever makes them happy. 172 00:07:52,776 --> 00:07:54,616 Live and let live, that's what I say. 173 00:07:54,696 --> 00:07:56,256 And I'm sure that's what they say, too. 174 00:07:56,375 --> 00:07:59,535 Hello. I'm Cleveland from South Carolina. 175 00:07:59,615 --> 00:08:01,295 Wow, you're a different color than me. 176 00:08:01,415 --> 00:08:02,895 Would you like to be equals? 177 00:08:08,934 --> 00:08:10,774 Hey, Quagdingo, you wanna play I-spy again? 178 00:08:10,854 --> 00:08:11,854 No! 179 00:08:11,894 --> 00:08:13,814 I spy something beige. 180 00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,254 - Wood. - Yeah. 181 00:08:15,414 --> 00:08:17,814 Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. 182 00:08:17,934 --> 00:08:19,374 Our top story continues to be, 183 00:08:19,494 --> 00:08:21,653 where is this giant canoe heading? 184 00:08:21,773 --> 00:08:23,109 But first, let's go to Ollie Williams 185 00:08:23,133 --> 00:08:24,773 with the portside window report. 186 00:08:24,853 --> 00:08:25,933 - Ollie? - I saw a fish! 187 00:08:26,053 --> 00:08:27,533 Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. 188 00:08:35,132 --> 00:08:37,012 Hey, guys, one of my cuffs is loose. 189 00:08:37,132 --> 00:08:39,132 If we can break out of here, I've got an idea 190 00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:42,412 how to give the captain of this boat what he deserves. 191 00:08:49,291 --> 00:08:50,331 Hey, where's the captain? 192 00:08:50,451 --> 00:08:52,331 I don't know. I haven't seen him all morning. 193 00:09:01,970 --> 00:09:03,010 You dirty... 194 00:09:04,410 --> 00:09:08,010 This is gonna be the best summer ever. 195 00:09:08,530 --> 00:09:09,610 And it was. 196 00:09:09,730 --> 00:09:13,329 But Nate soon found himself put to work on a Southern plantation. 197 00:09:13,449 --> 00:09:14,449 It was way down there. 198 00:09:14,529 --> 00:09:16,265 You know, where you stop seeing Howard Johnsons 199 00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,649 and you start seeing Stuckey's. 200 00:09:17,769 --> 00:09:19,089 Anyway, it was a horrible place 201 00:09:19,169 --> 00:09:21,169 where they took away everybody's African names 202 00:09:21,289 --> 00:09:23,048 and gave them new names. 203 00:09:23,488 --> 00:09:24,728 What's your name? 204 00:09:24,888 --> 00:09:26,128 Tobi with an "I." 205 00:09:26,248 --> 00:09:29,128 With an accent over the "I," and a little line over the "O," 206 00:09:29,248 --> 00:09:32,088 so you know it's a long vowel sound and not a short one. 207 00:09:32,208 --> 00:09:34,048 And sometimes I like to dot the "I" 208 00:09:34,128 --> 00:09:36,647 with a little smiley face or a heart or something. 209 00:09:36,727 --> 00:09:38,287 Something to brighten the reader's day. 210 00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:40,127 I asked you what your name was. 211 00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,967 Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be. 212 00:09:43,087 --> 00:09:44,167 Of course, back then, 213 00:09:44,247 --> 00:09:46,567 the South was a very different place than it is today. 214 00:09:46,647 --> 00:09:48,727 A backward place where they didn't believe in science 215 00:09:48,846 --> 00:09:50,886 and hated others just for being different. 216 00:09:50,966 --> 00:09:53,886 Time has a way of changing a place and its people. 217 00:09:53,966 --> 00:09:56,086 Uh, excuse me. Hi. Yeah, is there, like, 218 00:09:56,206 --> 00:09:58,566 a human resources guy we could talk to? 219 00:09:58,686 --> 00:10:01,805 - Um, I have a work-related grievance. - What? 220 00:10:01,925 --> 00:10:04,165 Yeah, the quarters are too crowded, the hours are long, 221 00:10:04,245 --> 00:10:07,445 and, uh, you know, I don't like to be "this guy," 222 00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:11,925 but a couple of the overseers have been making racial slurs. 223 00:10:14,804 --> 00:10:17,364 And then, all of a sudden, he saw her. 224 00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:20,164 Lois Laura Bush Lynne Cheney Pewterschmidt, 225 00:10:20,244 --> 00:10:21,884 the plantation owner's daughter. 226 00:10:21,964 --> 00:10:24,643 Of course, ordinarily, black guys aren't attracted to white women, 227 00:10:24,763 --> 00:10:26,323 but she was something different. 228 00:10:26,443 --> 00:10:29,243 As a poet might say, she was the kind of woman 229 00:10:29,323 --> 00:10:31,843 you just want to have sex with over and over. 230 00:10:31,963 --> 00:10:34,763 With the kind of breasts you just wanna push together 231 00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:37,003 so she looks like a cross-eyed torso. 232 00:10:37,122 --> 00:10:39,362 He knew he had to have her. 233 00:10:55,361 --> 00:10:56,641 Is someone there? 234 00:10:56,721 --> 00:10:58,281 - Lois! - Who are you? 235 00:10:58,401 --> 00:10:59,561 Hi. I'm Nate Griffin. 236 00:10:59,681 --> 00:11:01,401 I work against my will for your dad. 237 00:11:01,481 --> 00:11:03,320 Oh, yeah? Well, what do you do? 238 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,520 Well, let's just say I know my way around a hoe. 239 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,840 And from the moment that piece of off-color blue comedy was uttered, 240 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,080 their lives were changed forever. 241 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:17,319 - You wanna do it? - You bet your sweet black ass I do. 242 00:11:17,479 --> 00:11:21,439 So for the next 15 years, they raised a family in secrecy. 243 00:11:22,119 --> 00:11:24,399 Supper's ready! Come and get it, kids! 244 00:11:24,519 --> 00:11:27,158 You know the best part about being half-black and half-white? 245 00:11:27,238 --> 00:11:30,038 When I grow up, I'll be accepted by everybody. 246 00:11:30,318 --> 00:11:31,478 A- ha! 247 00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:32,558 Daddy! 248 00:11:32,598 --> 00:11:33,718 Just as I thought! 249 00:11:33,798 --> 00:11:36,678 Lois, how in God's name could you embarrass the family like this? 250 00:11:36,798 --> 00:11:39,038 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Sitting right here. 251 00:11:39,118 --> 00:11:40,757 Daddy, you're the embarrassment. 252 00:11:40,837 --> 00:11:42,277 Nate and I love each other! 253 00:11:42,357 --> 00:11:45,157 Tell it to the authorities, because you're all going to jail! 254 00:11:45,837 --> 00:11:46,837 Run! 255 00:11:47,797 --> 00:11:50,517 And so they set off on their escape to the North. 256 00:11:50,597 --> 00:11:53,276 Luckily, they were helped by Nate's good friend, Al Cowlings, 257 00:11:53,396 --> 00:11:55,516 who showed up on his trusty white bronco. 258 00:11:55,636 --> 00:11:57,956 But the law was hot on their trail. 259 00:12:01,796 --> 00:12:04,276 Well, we're getting a good view of the chase from up here, Tom. 260 00:12:04,315 --> 00:12:07,075 That's right, Diane. We're looking at Nate Griffin and Al Cowlings, 261 00:12:07,195 --> 00:12:08,651 the man we believe to be Al Cowlings. 262 00:12:08,675 --> 00:12:09,995 We'll stay with the chase. 263 00:12:10,115 --> 00:12:12,171 Um, it seems like a futile effort on their part, Diane. 264 00:12:12,195 --> 00:12:15,075 At some point, that horse is going to have to stop and eat some grain. 265 00:12:15,195 --> 00:12:16,595 But luck was on their side 266 00:12:16,674 --> 00:12:18,834 and eventually, they made it to the North. 267 00:12:18,914 --> 00:12:20,314 After that, Nate devoted his life 268 00:12:20,394 --> 00:12:21,714 to getting back at the white man 269 00:12:21,794 --> 00:12:23,434 for the injustice of slavery 270 00:12:23,554 --> 00:12:26,114 by inventing the Department of Motor Vehicles. 271 00:12:26,234 --> 00:12:28,394 - Sir, did you fill out the 1170? - I think I did. 272 00:12:28,514 --> 00:12:30,434 - Did you fill out the 1170? - I filled this out. 273 00:12:30,553 --> 00:12:33,113 That's the 1190. You're gonna have to go stand in the blue line. 274 00:12:33,193 --> 00:12:34,369 Look, I was already in that line. 275 00:12:34,393 --> 00:12:35,529 Sir, don't get snippy with me. 276 00:12:35,553 --> 00:12:36,689 What? I've been here all morning. 277 00:12:36,713 --> 00:12:37,809 That is not my prerogative, sir. 278 00:12:37,833 --> 00:12:39,369 I wait in one line, they send me to another line... 279 00:12:39,393 --> 00:12:41,289 You know what? You can always call to make an appointment. 280 00:12:41,313 --> 00:12:42,368 I tried to call! I can't get through. 281 00:12:42,392 --> 00:12:43,312 The line's always busy! It's ridiculous. 282 00:12:43,392 --> 00:12:44,848 You can go wait in the appointment line, then. 283 00:12:44,872 --> 00:12:46,568 - I know! I don't wanna wait! - Sir, I can't help you. 284 00:12:46,592 --> 00:12:47,512 I don't have all day. 285 00:12:47,592 --> 00:12:48,888 You're going to have to take that somewhere else. 286 00:12:48,912 --> 00:12:50,688 - It shouldn't be this hard! - You know what? I'm on break. 287 00:12:50,712 --> 00:12:53,232 Peter, enough with the storytelling. We gotta get outta here! 288 00:12:53,312 --> 00:12:54,391 They're gonna kill Meg! 289 00:12:54,471 --> 00:12:56,831 Oh, yeah? Over Meg's dead body. 290 00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:00,631 Hey! A flare gun. Good idea, Peter. 291 00:13:00,711 --> 00:13:01,991 If we angle it through the vent, 292 00:13:02,111 --> 00:13:04,231 we might be able to alert the authorities. 293 00:13:05,471 --> 00:13:07,390 Oh, my God! We're gonna drown! 294 00:13:07,510 --> 00:13:09,350 We'll be fine. Here, put these on. 295 00:13:09,470 --> 00:13:10,750 Peter, these are parachutes. 296 00:13:10,870 --> 00:13:12,550 What are we supposed to do with these? 297 00:13:12,670 --> 00:13:13,950 They're supposed to distract you 298 00:13:13,990 --> 00:13:15,870 while I put on the one scuba suit. 299 00:13:25,749 --> 00:13:26,749 What's the matter? 300 00:13:26,869 --> 00:13:27,869 That wasn't oxygen. 301 00:13:27,949 --> 00:13:29,829 That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath. 302 00:13:29,949 --> 00:13:31,668 I wonder who got my oxygen tank. 303 00:13:32,868 --> 00:13:33,988 Kiss me, Tony. 304 00:13:34,108 --> 00:13:36,468 I want your breath inside me. 305 00:13:38,988 --> 00:13:39,988 Hey! 306 00:13:40,108 --> 00:13:42,428 Well, as long as death is staring us in the face, 307 00:13:42,548 --> 00:13:44,947 I might as well tell you about my great-grandfather, 308 00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:47,787 who was the greatest silent-movie star of the '20s. 309 00:13:48,027 --> 00:13:50,547 His name was Willie ' "Black-Eye'" Griffin, 310 00:13:50,627 --> 00:13:53,427 and his ocular misadventures made him a star. 311 00:15:12,580 --> 00:15:14,060 ' "Black-Eye'" Griffin and his family 312 00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:16,300 were among the wealthiest people in Hollywood. 313 00:15:16,380 --> 00:15:19,180 They spent their idle time cavorting, doing the Charleston, 314 00:15:19,260 --> 00:15:22,340 and enjoying America's prosperity following World War I, 315 00:15:22,420 --> 00:15:25,579 which, at that time, was called International Civil War II. 316 00:15:25,659 --> 00:15:27,659 But the golden years soon ended. 317 00:15:27,779 --> 00:15:29,339 Sadly, ' "Black-Eye'" Griffin's voice 318 00:15:29,459 --> 00:15:31,379 just wasn't right for the talking pictures. 319 00:15:34,579 --> 00:15:36,778 Pardon me, madam. I'm the truant officer. 320 00:15:36,898 --> 00:15:39,698 I found these two children of yours playing hooky from school. 321 00:15:39,818 --> 00:15:43,378 Oh, my! This will never do, will it, dear? 322 00:15:43,538 --> 00:15:45,698 Chris, you gotta... You gotta... 323 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,778 It's important for you to get an education! 324 00:15:47,858 --> 00:15:50,337 Get in there and finish your homework! 325 00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,857 ' "Black-Eye'" Griffin struggled to make ends meet 326 00:15:52,977 --> 00:15:54,817 until he died tragically in the same manner 327 00:15:54,897 --> 00:15:57,417 as 78% of Americans at that time. 328 00:15:57,537 --> 00:15:59,657 He was stabbed in a card fight. 329 00:16:00,337 --> 00:16:03,256 It was a simpler time. It was a better time. 330 00:16:03,376 --> 00:16:06,536 Well, no matter what happens to us, I just hope Meg's okay. 331 00:16:08,016 --> 00:16:10,016 So, is... Is this, like, the part 332 00:16:10,096 --> 00:16:12,056 - where you guys have your way with me? - What? 333 00:16:12,176 --> 00:16:13,735 You know, where I'm, like, helpless, 334 00:16:13,855 --> 00:16:15,895 and you guys take turns. You know? 335 00:16:16,015 --> 00:16:19,655 Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no! 336 00:16:19,775 --> 00:16:20,775 What did she say? 337 00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,631 She asked if we were gonna have our way with her. 338 00:16:22,655 --> 00:16:24,975 - Ew! - No, seriously. I won't scream or anything. 339 00:16:25,095 --> 00:16:27,574 No! No! I... I... No. No sale. 340 00:16:27,694 --> 00:16:29,094 Come on! I'm pretty! 341 00:16:32,214 --> 00:16:33,334 Are you okay? 342 00:16:33,454 --> 00:16:34,854 Yeah. I was so scared. 343 00:16:34,934 --> 00:16:37,054 Well, it sure would suck if you guys died 344 00:16:37,134 --> 00:16:39,573 without hearing the story of my great-uncle, Peter Hitler, 345 00:16:39,693 --> 00:16:41,053 who was Adolf's favorite brother. 346 00:16:44,173 --> 00:16:45,173 Hey, there you are. 347 00:16:45,253 --> 00:16:48,453 Hey, you ready to go check out that new skin flick over at the Boobengarden? 348 00:16:48,533 --> 00:16:50,173 Peter, can't you see I'm busy? 349 00:16:50,253 --> 00:16:51,612 Yeah? What are you doing? 350 00:16:51,732 --> 00:16:53,372 - Stuff? - Yes. 351 00:16:53,772 --> 00:16:54,932 Nazi stuff? 352 00:16:55,052 --> 00:16:56,812 Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff. 353 00:16:57,092 --> 00:16:58,092 Can I help? 354 00:16:58,212 --> 00:16:59,972 No, Peter. Just let me work, all right? 355 00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:02,572 All right, all right. Okay. All right. 356 00:17:11,811 --> 00:17:13,211 Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. 357 00:17:13,331 --> 00:17:14,411 Addy, I'm Tojo. 358 00:17:14,531 --> 00:17:17,090 Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. 359 00:17:19,810 --> 00:17:20,970 I am from Japan. 360 00:17:25,730 --> 00:17:26,810 Sweet! 361 00:17:31,649 --> 00:17:33,449 That's what a gun sounds like. 362 00:17:33,569 --> 00:17:34,609 Will you stop that? 363 00:17:34,729 --> 00:17:35,969 Hey, can I borrow 50 marks? 364 00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:38,649 Oh, what happened to the 50 marks I gave you last week? 365 00:17:38,729 --> 00:17:40,648 Oh, come on. Your girlfriend's not cheap. 366 00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:41,768 Ooh! 367 00:17:42,888 --> 00:17:45,248 Just kidding. Oh, look at your face. 368 00:17:45,368 --> 00:17:46,984 Hey, whatever happened with that art school? 369 00:17:47,008 --> 00:17:48,664 You ever gonna take another crack at that? 370 00:17:48,688 --> 00:17:50,088 Look, I'm going to do a rally. 371 00:17:50,168 --> 00:17:51,728 I'll be back in an hour. 372 00:17:52,008 --> 00:17:53,727 A rally? Sweet. 373 00:17:55,887 --> 00:17:58,807 The days of despair and hardship are over! 374 00:17:58,887 --> 00:18:01,087 Today begins a new order! 375 00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:03,047 All of Europe will tremble 376 00:18:03,127 --> 00:18:06,966 as Germany takes its rightful place as ruler of the world! 377 00:18:07,046 --> 00:18:08,246 Oh, yeah! 378 00:18:08,326 --> 00:18:11,926 Yes. As I was saying, the time for victory is upon us! 379 00:18:12,006 --> 00:18:14,406 Victory up the ass, baby! Yeah, come on! 380 00:18:14,526 --> 00:18:17,605 A new world! A better world! 381 00:18:17,725 --> 00:18:19,325 A German world! 382 00:18:19,405 --> 00:18:23,285 Yeah! Germanator! I'll be back! Yeah! 383 00:18:23,365 --> 00:18:26,045 We will emerge as the dominant people! 384 00:18:26,165 --> 00:18:27,901 And it's all 'cause of you guys. You know what? 385 00:18:27,925 --> 00:18:30,700 You guys, with your marching, and your letters, and your phone calls... 386 00:18:30,724 --> 00:18:32,444 This is all thanks to you. 387 00:18:32,644 --> 00:18:34,364 You made this happen, you guys. 388 00:18:34,484 --> 00:18:35,604 You know... My God. 389 00:18:35,684 --> 00:18:36,860 Give yourselves a round of applause. 390 00:18:36,884 --> 00:18:39,324 Come on. You deserve it. You deserve it. 391 00:18:41,164 --> 00:18:44,003 Hey, what do you say we all head over to the Boozenpuken, eh? 392 00:18:44,083 --> 00:18:46,683 Free beer on this motherfuhrer! Eh? Come on! 393 00:18:52,603 --> 00:18:54,043 I just... I can't take it anymore. 394 00:18:54,163 --> 00:18:55,562 He's driving me crazy. 395 00:18:55,682 --> 00:18:57,082 Take it easy, honey. 396 00:18:57,202 --> 00:18:58,602 Knock, knock. 397 00:18:59,202 --> 00:19:01,242 Hey, there, bro. How's it going? 398 00:19:01,322 --> 00:19:05,482 Getting a lot of positive feedback about that rally. Lot of positive feedback. 399 00:19:05,602 --> 00:19:07,362 Everybody loved my Germanator joke. 400 00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,841 Look, Peter. I want you to move out. 401 00:19:10,081 --> 00:19:11,081 What? 402 00:19:11,161 --> 00:19:14,161 You can't live here anymore. You're a pain in my ass. I want you out. 403 00:19:14,241 --> 00:19:16,521 Oh, come on, man. That's not fair. 404 00:19:16,641 --> 00:19:19,321 Look, if this is about the whole me-leaving-the-seat-up thing, 405 00:19:19,401 --> 00:19:21,360 I mean, that's... Is that really a big deal? 406 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,480 Yes, it is, Peter, because sometimes at night when Eva has to go, 407 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,240 if she goes in there and the seat is up 408 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:27,960 and it's dark, she sits in the water. 409 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:30,560 No way. Get the hell out of here. 410 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:35,479 Oh, no. You stupid idiot! What did you do? 411 00:19:35,599 --> 00:19:36,879 Oh, my God! 412 00:19:37,039 --> 00:19:38,919 All right, listen, there'll be time to grieve, 413 00:19:39,039 --> 00:19:40,599 but you-you go to tell me first, 414 00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:42,679 did you actually sit in the water or was that... 415 00:19:49,078 --> 00:19:51,518 Well, that's pretty much all there is to tell, kids. 416 00:19:51,638 --> 00:19:54,478 The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. 417 00:19:54,638 --> 00:19:56,278 But since we're all gonna die, 418 00:19:56,358 --> 00:19:59,197 there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you. 419 00:19:59,517 --> 00:20:02,277 - I did not care for The Godfather. - What? 420 00:20:02,397 --> 00:20:03,877 Did not care for The Godfather. 421 00:20:03,997 --> 00:20:05,357 How can you even say that, Dad? 422 00:20:05,437 --> 00:20:06,637 Didn't like... Didn't like it. 423 00:20:06,677 --> 00:20:08,917 Peter, it's so good. It's like the perfect movie. 424 00:20:08,997 --> 00:20:11,076 This is what everyone always says whenever... 425 00:20:11,196 --> 00:20:12,836 Robert De Niro, Al Pacino... 426 00:20:12,956 --> 00:20:15,516 I mean, you never see... Robert Duvall! 427 00:20:15,636 --> 00:20:17,316 I know. Fine, fine actor. 428 00:20:17,436 --> 00:20:18,476 Did not like the movie. 429 00:20:18,556 --> 00:20:20,252 - Why not? - Did not... Couldn't get into it. 430 00:20:20,276 --> 00:20:22,156 Explain yourself. What didn't you like about it? 431 00:20:22,235 --> 00:20:24,115 - It insists upon itself, Lois. - What? 432 00:20:24,235 --> 00:20:26,251 - It insists upon itself. - What does that even mean? 433 00:20:26,275 --> 00:20:28,875 'Cause it has a valid point to make, it's insistent! 434 00:20:28,955 --> 00:20:31,051 It takes forever getting in, and then you spend, you know, 435 00:20:31,075 --> 00:20:32,611 like six-and-a-half hours, and then, you know, 436 00:20:32,635 --> 00:20:34,690 I can't even get through it. I can't even finish the movie. 437 00:20:34,714 --> 00:20:36,850 - I've never even seen the ending. - You've never seen the ending? 438 00:20:36,874 --> 00:20:38,130 Well, how can you say you don't like it 439 00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:39,650 if you haven't even given it a chance? 440 00:20:39,674 --> 00:20:42,050 - I agree with Stewie. It's not really fair. - It's outrageous. 441 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,554 I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, 442 00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:45,690 and I... I get to the scene where all the guys 443 00:20:45,714 --> 00:20:47,049 are sitting around on the easy chairs... 444 00:20:47,073 --> 00:20:48,529 Yeah. That's a great scene. I love that scene. 445 00:20:48,553 --> 00:20:50,033 It's noted in every annal. 446 00:20:50,113 --> 00:20:51,569 I have no idea what they're talking about. 447 00:20:51,593 --> 00:20:53,209 It's like they're speaking a different language. 448 00:20:53,233 --> 00:20:55,649 - That's where I lose interest and I go away. - They're speaking Italian! 449 00:20:55,673 --> 00:20:57,809 The language they're speaking is the language of subtlety, 450 00:20:57,833 --> 00:20:59,049 something you don't understand. 451 00:20:59,073 --> 00:21:00,592 I love The Money Pit. 452 00:21:00,712 --> 00:21:02,432 That is my answer to that statement. 453 00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:04,192 - Exactly. - Well, there you go. 454 00:21:04,472 --> 00:21:06,312 - Whatever. - I like that movie, too. 455 00:21:08,192 --> 00:21:10,072 Thank God you guys are okay! 456 00:21:10,152 --> 00:21:12,711 Wow! You saved our lives, Mr. Swanson! 457 00:21:12,791 --> 00:21:13,951 We've captured the burglars. 458 00:21:14,071 --> 00:21:15,151 Oh, thank God. 459 00:21:15,271 --> 00:21:18,231 Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges 460 00:21:18,351 --> 00:21:19,471 against your daughter. 461 00:21:19,591 --> 00:21:20,911 Well, that was a close call. 462 00:21:20,991 --> 00:21:22,271 You know... 463 00:21:22,391 --> 00:21:24,031 Meg should probably get a lawyer. 464 00:21:24,151 --> 00:21:27,790 Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories. 465 00:21:27,910 --> 00:21:29,350 Your daughter's a sexual predator. 466 00:21:29,430 --> 00:21:32,190 If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time. 467 00:21:32,310 --> 00:21:34,110 Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my ancestors 468 00:21:34,230 --> 00:21:36,270 for living lives of greatness. 469 00:21:36,350 --> 00:21:37,909 All right, guys, just take her away. 470 00:21:38,029 --> 00:21:39,269 Dad, help! 471 00:21:40,509 --> 00:21:42,869 - Dad! - Have fun at the dance, Meg. 472 00:21:42,949 --> 00:21:45,109 I hope she does. That kid really deserves it.