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00:00:00,793 --> 00:00:03,972
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:07,341
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:10,911
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,945 --> 00:00:13,914
♪ On which we used to rely?
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00:00:13,948 --> 00:00:17,417
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:28,899
♪ Family Guy 12x06 ♪
Life of Brian
Original Air Date on November 24 , 2013
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00:00:28,900 --> 00:00:33,900
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:38,757 --> 00:00:41,058
Hurry, Brian,
they're gaining on us!
13
00:00:47,466 --> 00:00:48,899
Damn it,
we're surrounded!
14
00:00:54,873 --> 00:00:56,474
Crap, they got away.
15
00:00:56,508 --> 00:00:58,042
Better call the boss.
16
00:00:59,644 --> 00:01:02,513
Damn, I'm not getting
a smoke signal here.
17
00:01:12,691 --> 00:01:14,592
Damn it, Stewie, what
the hell did you do?!
18
00:01:14,626 --> 00:01:16,127
I know, I know,
I messed up.
19
00:01:16,161 --> 00:01:17,261
"I messed up."
20
00:01:17,295 --> 00:01:18,562
You went back
to 17th-century Jamestown
21
00:01:18,597 --> 00:01:20,131
and you gave guns
to the Indians.
22
00:01:20,165 --> 00:01:21,298
And now they're
running everything!
23
00:01:21,333 --> 00:01:23,000
I said I messed up,
all right?!
24
00:01:23,034 --> 00:01:24,301
I guess I just have
25
00:01:24,336 --> 00:01:25,703
this pathological need
to be liked.
26
00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:27,071
Well, it's not
a good trait.
27
00:01:27,105 --> 00:01:28,472
Aw, come on.
Don't say that.
28
00:01:28,507 --> 00:01:29,974
Let me buy you lunch.
29
00:01:30,008 --> 00:01:32,309
Thanks to you, the Indians
killed all the white people
30
00:01:32,344 --> 00:01:33,544
and took over America.
31
00:01:33,578 --> 00:01:35,446
I mean, you're the one
who's always saying,
32
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:36,680
"Never alter the past."
33
00:01:36,715 --> 00:01:38,182
Oh, come on, Brian,
let's be honest.
34
00:01:38,216 --> 00:01:39,583
I frequently alter
the past.
35
00:01:39,618 --> 00:01:43,187
All right, so, I guess
we'll split the bill 13 ways?
36
00:01:43,221 --> 00:01:46,157
Hey, Judas, he ordered,
like, five margaritas.
37
00:01:46,191 --> 00:01:48,759
All you had
was a salad.
38
00:01:57,769 --> 00:01:59,136
You know, it actually
looks like
39
00:01:59,171 --> 00:02:01,172
the Native Americans have
done all right for themselves.
40
00:02:01,206 --> 00:02:03,207
They do seem to have
a lot of shops.
41
00:02:09,581 --> 00:02:12,283
And it looks like they have
medical care as well.
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00:02:12,317 --> 00:02:14,885
Ma'am, I'm sorry,
but I've done this
43
00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:17,822
several times today, and your
husband just isn't responding.
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00:02:17,856 --> 00:02:19,557
Well, have you
tried this?
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00:02:19,591 --> 00:02:21,625
Ma'am, this is a place
of medicine.
46
00:02:21,660 --> 00:02:23,894
And their popular music
is interesting.
47
00:02:23,929 --> 00:02:26,096
And here it is,
the number one song
48
00:02:26,131 --> 00:02:28,566
for the 10,000th week in a row,
49
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:30,668
"Huya-Huya-Huya"!
50
00:02:30,702 --> 00:02:33,304
♪ Huya-Huya-Huya-Huya
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00:02:33,338 --> 00:02:36,273
♪ Huya-Huya-Huya-Huya...
52
00:02:36,308 --> 00:02:37,441
Well, no matter..
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00:02:37,476 --> 00:02:39,210
We better restore things
to the way they were.
54
00:02:39,244 --> 00:02:40,811
Let's go back to Jamestown
and undo...
55
00:02:40,846 --> 00:02:42,580
Oh, dear.
What? What is it?
56
00:02:42,614 --> 00:02:43,681
The return pad.
57
00:02:45,217 --> 00:02:47,485
Looks like it took some
bullets during our escape.
58
00:02:47,519 --> 00:02:49,253
Doesn't seem
to be working.
59
00:02:49,287 --> 00:02:50,254
Hmm.
60
00:02:50,288 --> 00:02:51,589
What?
Wha-What is that?
61
00:02:51,623 --> 00:02:52,723
What is that, "Hmm"?
62
00:02:52,757 --> 00:02:54,191
Wha-What are
you looking for?
63
00:02:54,226 --> 00:02:56,093
What are you looking
for specifically?
64
00:02:56,127 --> 00:02:57,127
Yeah, that's right.
65
00:02:57,162 --> 00:02:58,696
But I'm afraid
our only hope
66
00:02:58,730 --> 00:03:00,130
is that perhaps
the alternate Stewie
67
00:03:00,165 --> 00:03:01,298
in this universe
has created
68
00:03:01,333 --> 00:03:03,067
his own time machine
that we can use.
69
00:03:03,101 --> 00:03:04,168
Well, let's hope so,
70
00:03:04,202 --> 00:03:05,636
because otherwise
they're gonna kill us.
71
00:03:05,670 --> 00:03:06,971
Yeah, or stick us on
72
00:03:07,005 --> 00:03:08,485
some kind of white
people reservation.
73
00:03:10,242 --> 00:03:11,742
Don't give them
any money.
74
00:03:11,776 --> 00:03:14,211
They're just gonna spend
it all on deviled eggs.
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00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:24,555
Well, there's my brave warrior.
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00:03:24,589 --> 00:03:25,890
How was work today?
77
00:03:25,924 --> 00:03:27,057
Oh, it was so annoying.
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00:03:27,092 --> 00:03:28,626
Everyone was coming around
with their daughters,
79
00:03:28,660 --> 00:03:29,827
selling Girl Scout corn.
80
00:03:29,861 --> 00:03:32,696
Made me feel so guilty,
I had to buy, like, 20 ears.
81
00:03:32,731 --> 00:03:36,033
Hey, shot in the dark, but,
uh, is anyone else in the mood
82
00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:40,738
to run really fast
in one direction?
83
00:03:40,772 --> 00:03:42,873
Look, there it is!
84
00:03:42,908 --> 00:03:45,142
And it looks like he has
a return pad, too.
85
00:03:45,176 --> 00:03:46,510
All right, come on.
86
00:03:46,545 --> 00:03:49,613
Let's get back to Jamestown
and set things right.
87
00:03:57,322 --> 00:03:59,657
Look, there you are
giving them the guns!
88
00:04:04,195 --> 00:04:05,563
What the hell
are you doing there?
89
00:04:05,597 --> 00:04:07,398
You told me you were
checking on the horses.
90
00:04:07,432 --> 00:04:08,553
Well, she's a
sizeable woman.
91
00:04:08,567 --> 00:04:09,567
That's what I meant.
92
00:04:15,106 --> 00:04:16,106
All right, come on.
93
00:04:16,141 --> 00:04:17,421
We've got to get
those guns back.
94
00:04:17,442 --> 00:04:19,076
Hey, hi,
how are you today?
95
00:04:19,110 --> 00:04:20,477
Good to see you.
96
00:04:20,512 --> 00:04:22,012
Listen, uh, we've
just been informed
97
00:04:22,047 --> 00:04:23,480
that these guns
are defective.
98
00:04:23,515 --> 00:04:25,449
Uh, we're from
the gun company.
99
00:04:25,483 --> 00:04:26,884
Um, anyway, you know how
100
00:04:26,918 --> 00:04:29,320
we like to take things back
from you people?
101
00:04:29,354 --> 00:04:31,589
Well, we're gonna go ahead
and take these back.
102
00:04:31,623 --> 00:04:32,990
That's right.
We're from GunCo..
103
00:04:33,024 --> 00:04:34,491
Shut up,
you're blowing it.
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00:04:34,526 --> 00:04:36,460
Where you taking guns?
105
00:04:36,494 --> 00:04:39,163
Brian, grab
the return pad!
106
00:04:39,197 --> 00:04:41,498
Get 'um paleface!
107
00:04:43,368 --> 00:04:46,303
They're gone.
We can talk normal now.
108
00:04:50,575 --> 00:04:52,309
Well, everything looks
like it should.
109
00:04:52,344 --> 00:04:54,244
Only one way
to be certain.
110
00:04:54,279 --> 00:04:56,246
Okay, let's do
a quick search here.
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00:04:56,281 --> 00:04:57,881
"Native American
role models."
112
00:04:57,916 --> 00:04:58,949
"Zero results found."
113
00:04:58,984 --> 00:05:00,517
Looks like we did it, Brian.
114
00:05:00,552 --> 00:05:01,752
Ah, thank God!
115
00:05:01,786 --> 00:05:03,954
Hey, what are you gonna do
with all those guns?
116
00:05:03,989 --> 00:05:06,390
I don't know, sell 'em
to some messed up kid?
117
00:05:11,229 --> 00:05:12,730
What the hell is that?
118
00:05:12,764 --> 00:05:14,164
Stewie?
119
00:05:18,703 --> 00:05:20,270
Oh, my God!
What are you doing?!
120
00:05:20,305 --> 00:05:22,940
This time machine has
almost killed us
121
00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:24,174
a hundred times, Brian.
122
00:05:24,209 --> 00:05:26,110
And yesterday was
just too close a call.
123
00:05:26,144 --> 00:05:28,012
So I've decided
to get rid of it
124
00:05:28,046 --> 00:05:29,647
before something
irreparable happens.
125
00:05:29,681 --> 00:05:31,482
But, Stewie,
your-your time machine,
126
00:05:31,516 --> 00:05:32,850
it's, like, your crowning
achievement.
127
00:05:32,884 --> 00:05:34,485
I-I can't believe
you'd just destroy it.
128
00:05:34,519 --> 00:05:36,053
Trust me, Brian,
it's for the best.
129
00:05:36,087 --> 00:05:38,322
And, hey, at least I've
had some fun with it.
130
00:05:38,356 --> 00:05:40,190
Do you know what
I did last week?
131
00:05:40,225 --> 00:05:41,492
I time-traveled
ahead to Christmas
132
00:05:41,526 --> 00:05:43,360
so I wouldn't have
to wait all year
133
00:05:43,395 --> 00:05:44,962
for the new toys
to come out.
134
00:05:44,996 --> 00:05:46,897
Wow, good timing,
little fella.
135
00:05:46,931 --> 00:05:48,465
This just came out today.
136
00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:50,260
Yeah, I kind
of knew that already.
137
00:05:50,268 --> 00:05:52,036
Would you like to donate
an extra dollar
138
00:05:52,070 --> 00:05:53,270
to the Quahog Food Bank?
139
00:05:53,304 --> 00:05:54,638
Oh, sure.
140
00:05:54,673 --> 00:05:57,107
And would you like to come
home and clean my toilet,
141
00:05:57,142 --> 00:05:58,976
while we're both doing
stuff for each other?
142
00:06:10,622 --> 00:06:12,723
Well, I guess that's it.
143
00:06:12,757 --> 00:06:14,692
This is, like,
the end of an era.
144
00:06:14,726 --> 00:06:16,226
Oh, sack up, you twink.
145
00:06:16,261 --> 00:06:17,594
It's just a machine.
146
00:06:17,629 --> 00:06:19,329
God, look at all
the perfectly good stuff
147
00:06:19,364 --> 00:06:21,065
that people just throw out
for no reason.
148
00:06:21,099 --> 00:06:22,566
I don't know.
It's mostly twin mattresses.
149
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:23,967
If you have
a twin mattress,
150
00:06:24,002 --> 00:06:26,136
aren't you pretty much
a failure as a human being?
151
00:06:26,171 --> 00:06:27,237
No, I mean it.
152
00:06:27,272 --> 00:06:28,839
Like, here, look at this
street hockey net.
153
00:06:28,873 --> 00:06:30,007
It's in great shape.
154
00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:32,242
You know, we should take this
home and set it up.
155
00:06:32,277 --> 00:06:33,677
Get some fresh air,
get some exercise.
156
00:06:33,712 --> 00:06:35,546
Well, I suppose I could
use a new hobby
157
00:06:35,580 --> 00:06:37,047
now that the time
machine is gone.
158
00:06:37,082 --> 00:06:38,749
You sure you're
not gonna miss that thing?
159
00:06:38,783 --> 00:06:40,384
Nah, I was getting
bored of it anyway.
160
00:06:40,418 --> 00:06:41,618
You know, not every
historical event
161
00:06:41,653 --> 00:06:43,320
is all it's
cracked up to be.
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00:06:43,354 --> 00:06:45,222
Women, we've spent
decades fighting
163
00:06:45,256 --> 00:06:46,757
for our right to vote.
164
00:06:46,791 --> 00:06:50,060
So, when you go to those
booths and cast your ballot,
165
00:06:50,095 --> 00:06:53,831
remember, Warren G. Harding
is way the cutest!
166
00:06:55,300 --> 00:07:00,003
♪ Oh, girls just
want to have fun... ♪
167
00:07:01,873 --> 00:07:03,907
Okay, Brian, I'm just
putting this out there,
168
00:07:03,942 --> 00:07:05,075
but I'm a baby,
169
00:07:05,110 --> 00:07:07,411
and only dicks
don't let babies win.
170
00:07:07,445 --> 00:07:08,912
God, look at
this day, huh?
171
00:07:08,947 --> 00:07:10,881
You know, usually, I'd be
sitting inside writing,
172
00:07:10,915 --> 00:07:12,649
you'd be working on one
of your machines.
173
00:07:12,684 --> 00:07:14,384
But here we are
enjoying it.
174
00:07:14,419 --> 00:07:16,353
Yes, it is a nice change
of pace.
175
00:07:16,387 --> 00:07:18,522
Oh, wait, I got to go
grab my knee pads.
176
00:07:18,556 --> 00:07:20,758
I was using them for...
for-for this other thing.
177
00:07:20,792 --> 00:07:22,392
Anyway,
I'll be right back.
178
00:07:26,397 --> 00:07:27,698
Brian, look out!
179
00:07:32,070 --> 00:07:33,771
Ah, Brian!
180
00:07:33,805 --> 00:07:35,672
Oh, my God!
181
00:07:36,674 --> 00:07:39,143
Brian! Brian, can you hear me?!
182
00:07:39,177 --> 00:07:42,279
Holy crap!
What the hell happened?!
183
00:07:42,313 --> 00:07:44,348
That guy sucked.
184
00:07:49,689 --> 00:07:52,324
Mom, is Brian gonna be okay?
185
00:07:52,359 --> 00:07:53,659
I don't know, Meg.
186
00:07:53,693 --> 00:07:55,994
But this is the best
veterinarian in Quahog.
187
00:07:56,029 --> 00:07:58,163
Brian's getting
the finest care there is.
188
00:07:58,198 --> 00:08:00,499
He had to share the ambulance
with a chicken.
189
00:08:00,533 --> 00:08:03,602
Um, aren't you supposed
to be running around?
190
00:08:03,636 --> 00:08:04,970
Don't talk to me.
191
00:08:05,004 --> 00:08:07,706
You have a bad reputation
in the chicken community.
192
00:08:07,741 --> 00:08:09,241
Doctor, how is Brian?
193
00:08:09,275 --> 00:08:10,709
Is he gonna be okay?
194
00:08:10,744 --> 00:08:13,479
I'm so sorry, Mrs. Griffin,
but Brian's injuries
195
00:08:13,513 --> 00:08:15,814
are just too severe
for us to save him.
196
00:08:15,849 --> 00:08:17,883
I don't know
how much longer he has,
197
00:08:17,917 --> 00:08:20,686
but I suggest that you all go in
and say your good-byes.
198
00:08:36,336 --> 00:08:38,070
Oh, my God!
199
00:08:38,104 --> 00:08:39,271
Brian, no!
200
00:08:39,305 --> 00:08:40,773
I can't believe it.
201
00:08:40,807 --> 00:08:42,474
Y-You're really...
202
00:08:42,509 --> 00:08:44,276
Damn it, Brian,
you can't die!
203
00:08:44,310 --> 00:08:46,378
We were gonna do
so many things together.
204
00:08:46,413 --> 00:08:47,646
We were gonna become
windsurfers.
205
00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:49,882
I was gonna be
a little better than you,
206
00:08:49,916 --> 00:08:51,383
but we were both
gonna be good!
207
00:08:52,919 --> 00:08:54,620
You guys,
I think, I think
208
00:08:54,654 --> 00:08:56,388
Brian's trying
to say something!
209
00:08:56,423 --> 00:09:01,427
You... you've given me
a wonderful life.
210
00:09:01,461 --> 00:09:03,328
I love you all.
211
00:09:10,670 --> 00:09:13,405
I'm sorry, he's gone.
212
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,541
Oh, my God, he's...
213
00:09:15,575 --> 00:09:18,944
Yes, Chris, I'm afraid...
214
00:09:18,978 --> 00:09:21,914
I'm afraid that
our Brian is dead!
215
00:09:50,844 --> 00:09:53,812
Guys, I'm gonna need a few
minutes alone upstairs.
216
00:09:53,847 --> 00:09:57,382
I got to do, like,
a-a sad yank.
217
00:09:57,417 --> 00:09:59,451
Stupid street hockey.
218
00:09:59,486 --> 00:10:01,553
I wish we never went
to that dump.
219
00:10:01,588 --> 00:10:03,088
Oh, this is all my fault.
220
00:10:03,122 --> 00:10:05,924
I'm the one who had to throw
away the damn time machine.
221
00:10:05,959 --> 00:10:07,326
Wait a minute. That's it!
222
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,495
I've just got to rebuild
the time machine,
223
00:10:09,529 --> 00:10:11,663
and then I can go back
and save Brian!
224
00:10:14,901 --> 00:10:17,636
Oh, happy birthday, Neil!
225
00:10:20,740 --> 00:10:22,508
Stewie! How are you?
226
00:10:22,542 --> 00:10:25,210
Oh, not well, Yusuf.
I need your help.
227
00:10:25,245 --> 00:10:27,379
I have to track down
a titanium capacitor
228
00:10:27,413 --> 00:10:29,681
for a high-wattage mainframe
I'm going to construct.
229
00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:30,816
Titanium capacitors?
230
00:10:30,850 --> 00:10:32,918
Sorry, there's no way
to get those anymore.
231
00:10:32,952 --> 00:10:34,052
What do you mean?
232
00:10:34,087 --> 00:10:35,754
You've gotten them
for me before.
233
00:10:35,788 --> 00:10:39,324
I know, but the one guy who made
those drew a doodle of Mohammed,
234
00:10:39,359 --> 00:10:41,193
so he's not around anymore.
235
00:10:41,227 --> 00:10:43,128
He wasn't even doing it
on purpose,
236
00:10:43,162 --> 00:10:45,264
just absentmindedly
while talking on the phone.
237
00:10:45,298 --> 00:10:47,332
But it was Mohammed, so...
238
00:10:47,367 --> 00:10:48,534
you know.
239
00:10:48,568 --> 00:10:49,535
Oh, that's awful.
240
00:10:49,569 --> 00:10:52,004
Okay, Yusuf,
thanks, anyway.
241
00:10:52,038 --> 00:10:53,839
Oh, dear, Rupert,
without those capacitors,
242
00:10:53,873 --> 00:10:55,607
it'll be completely impossible
243
00:10:55,642 --> 00:10:57,309
to build
a functioning time machine.
244
00:10:58,478 --> 00:11:02,180
I guess that means Brian
is really gone for good.
245
00:11:09,789 --> 00:11:11,657
Thank you so much
for coming, guys.
246
00:11:11,691 --> 00:11:13,792
Brian would be very
thankful that you're here.
247
00:11:13,826 --> 00:11:14,960
No problem, Lois.
248
00:11:14,994 --> 00:11:16,595
You know, I usually
don't come to funerals.
249
00:11:16,629 --> 00:11:17,930
Since I'm a cop,
250
00:11:17,964 --> 00:11:20,632
I always wind up getting hit
by a black woman with a purse.
251
00:11:20,667 --> 00:11:22,501
You find the man
who did this.
252
00:11:22,535 --> 00:11:24,703
Uh, ma'am, what's your relationship to Brian?
You bring him to justice!
253
00:11:24,737 --> 00:11:26,471
You make sure this angel child
didn't die for nothing!
254
00:11:26,506 --> 00:11:28,240
Are you sure you're at
the right funeral?
255
00:11:28,274 --> 00:11:29,624
Ma'am, Brian's a dog.
256
00:11:29,649 --> 00:11:30,976
You show the world
why you became a cop!
257
00:11:30,977 --> 00:11:32,544
Okay.
258
00:11:34,581 --> 00:11:37,316
Thank you, everyone,
for coming today.
259
00:11:37,350 --> 00:11:39,952
None of you people came
to my funeral!
260
00:11:42,455 --> 00:11:45,958
I know Peter wanted
to say a few words.
261
00:11:47,193 --> 00:11:49,461
Oh, boy, this is, um...
262
00:11:49,495 --> 00:11:52,664
this is probably the worst pain
I've ever had to go through,
263
00:11:52,699 --> 00:11:55,334
and I've sprained
my ankle twice.
264
00:11:55,368 --> 00:11:57,736
Um... the truth is,
265
00:11:57,770 --> 00:11:59,504
Brian wasn't just my dog.
266
00:11:59,539 --> 00:12:02,207
He was my best friend
in the whole world.
267
00:12:02,241 --> 00:12:04,876
He was smart, he was loyal,
268
00:12:04,911 --> 00:12:08,046
and I guess what
I'm trying to say is
269
00:12:08,081 --> 00:12:10,315
he was like a brother to me.
270
00:12:10,350 --> 00:12:12,551
And I-I'm gonna spend
271
00:12:12,585 --> 00:12:14,720
the rest of my life missing him.
272
00:12:16,389 --> 00:12:18,323
We're all gonna
miss him, Peter.
273
00:12:18,358 --> 00:12:21,193
We're all gonna miss him
very much.
274
00:12:24,230 --> 00:12:25,430
Damn it, Ortiz.
275
00:12:25,465 --> 00:12:27,466
Stop swinging at junk.
276
00:12:56,129 --> 00:12:58,563
My God, I almost served
Brian again.
277
00:12:58,598 --> 00:13:01,199
I can't believe he's been gone
a whole month.
278
00:13:01,234 --> 00:13:03,068
Can we at least get rid
of the doggie door
279
00:13:03,102 --> 00:13:04,870
so Chris doesn't keep
getting stuck in it?
280
00:13:04,904 --> 00:13:07,639
Every day I get
a little further in.
281
00:13:07,674 --> 00:13:09,207
You know, I hate to say it,
282
00:13:09,242 --> 00:13:10,942
but I-I'm starting to think
the only way
283
00:13:10,977 --> 00:13:13,845
to stop missing Brian
is to get a new dog.
284
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,615
Or do we all get
Ghostbuster jumpsuits
285
00:13:16,649 --> 00:13:17,816
with our names on them?
286
00:13:17,850 --> 00:13:19,451
♪ Who you gonna call?
287
00:13:19,485 --> 00:13:21,353
♪ The Griffins.
288
00:13:21,387 --> 00:13:22,688
I'm serious, Peter.
289
00:13:22,722 --> 00:13:24,956
I know it might take time
to find the right dog,
290
00:13:24,991 --> 00:13:26,892
but I really feel like
it might be
291
00:13:26,926 --> 00:13:28,727
the best way for us
to move on.
292
00:13:28,761 --> 00:13:30,195
Yeah, Dad.
That would be nice.
293
00:13:30,229 --> 00:13:32,798
All right, well, I guess
it couldn't hurt to look.
294
00:13:32,832 --> 00:13:34,266
Really? Another dog?
295
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:36,168
Look, I miss Brian
more than any of you,
296
00:13:36,202 --> 00:13:37,869
but at least now
no one's forcing us
297
00:13:37,904 --> 00:13:40,405
to watch
those awful PBS documentaries.
298
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:44,142
And now PBS presents
Albino Children Are Normal.
299
00:13:44,177 --> 00:13:47,612
So, with the exception of not
being able to go out in the sun,
300
00:13:47,647 --> 00:13:48,914
you're completely normal?
301
00:13:48,948 --> 00:13:50,949
Yes. The moon is my sun.
302
00:13:50,983 --> 00:13:52,617
I like to kill beetles.
303
00:13:52,652 --> 00:13:54,419
Beetles are teachers.
304
00:13:54,454 --> 00:13:56,855
I sleep with a fork.
305
00:14:02,462 --> 00:14:05,363
All right, guys, time to
find a new family dog.
306
00:14:05,398 --> 00:14:06,965
Hey, Chris,
you're kind of a creep.
307
00:14:06,999 --> 00:14:08,133
You should get a ferret.
308
00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:09,868
You're right, I am.
309
00:14:09,902 --> 00:14:11,203
And I will!
310
00:14:12,605 --> 00:14:15,240
I don't know how to choose
between all these dogs.
311
00:14:15,274 --> 00:14:16,708
Hey, you, green pants.
312
00:14:16,743 --> 00:14:18,944
I hear you're looking for a dog
or something.
313
00:14:18,978 --> 00:14:21,446
Oh, finally, someone who sounds
like they went to college.
314
00:14:21,481 --> 00:14:23,081
Hi, I'm Peter.
Vinny.
315
00:14:23,116 --> 00:14:24,683
Oh, Vinny, like the Pooh.
316
00:14:24,717 --> 00:14:26,084
Hey, that's kind of cool.
317
00:14:26,119 --> 00:14:27,185
So, what's your story?
318
00:14:27,220 --> 00:14:28,854
Well, you know,
I'm just a regular guy.
319
00:14:28,888 --> 00:14:30,722
You throw a stick,
maybe I bring it back.
320
00:14:30,757 --> 00:14:33,792
Maybe I bring back
an iPhone that fell off a truck.
321
00:14:33,826 --> 00:14:34,960
So, what do you say?
322
00:14:34,994 --> 00:14:36,328
You want me as your dog?
323
00:14:36,362 --> 00:14:39,364
Yeah, I think I do!
324
00:14:39,398 --> 00:14:41,399
Hey, just out of curiosity,
what breed are you?
325
00:14:41,434 --> 00:14:43,235
Actually, I'm a pussy hound.
326
00:14:43,269 --> 00:14:44,703
Really? All right!
327
00:14:44,737 --> 00:14:47,038
That just means
I'm one-sixteenth cat.
328
00:14:47,073 --> 00:14:48,840
Oh, I wish you
hadn't told me that.
329
00:14:55,239 --> 00:14:57,607
Well, Vinny,
welcome to our home.
330
00:14:57,641 --> 00:14:59,042
All right,
this is good.
331
00:14:59,076 --> 00:15:00,710
This is good.
332
00:15:00,744 --> 00:15:02,612
Hey, you guys got a good
banging-broads couch,
333
00:15:02,646 --> 00:15:03,680
you know that?
334
00:15:03,714 --> 00:15:05,148
Vinny,
you must be starving.
335
00:15:05,182 --> 00:15:06,683
What can I make you
for dinner?
336
00:15:06,717 --> 00:15:07,717
Are you kidding?
337
00:15:07,751 --> 00:15:08,985
You're a hardworking lady.
338
00:15:09,019 --> 00:15:10,720
So, tonight, I'm gonna
make you dinner.
339
00:15:10,754 --> 00:15:12,088
Wow.
340
00:15:12,122 --> 00:15:13,756
Well, thank you, Vinny.
341
00:15:13,791 --> 00:15:14,924
Whoa, whoa, hang on, Lois.
342
00:15:14,959 --> 00:15:16,392
You promised me
we were all eating
343
00:15:16,427 --> 00:15:17,760
my Play-Doh pasta tonight.
344
00:15:17,795 --> 00:15:20,263
Oh, Stewie, did you
make something?
345
00:15:20,297 --> 00:15:22,832
Mmm, oh, it's so yummy.
346
00:15:22,866 --> 00:15:24,834
Num, num, num, num, num.
347
00:15:24,868 --> 00:15:27,637
You better mean
those "nums."
348
00:15:27,671 --> 00:15:29,205
Hey, you,
what's your name?
349
00:15:29,239 --> 00:15:30,373
Chris.
350
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:32,108
How about I call
you Hat Boy?
351
00:15:32,142 --> 00:15:33,610
Hell yeah!
352
00:15:33,644 --> 00:15:34,844
Lower your voice, Chris.
353
00:15:34,878 --> 00:15:36,646
It's Hat Boy, bitch!
354
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:37,947
Wow, look at you, Vinny.
355
00:15:37,982 --> 00:15:39,549
It's like you're already
part of the family.
356
00:15:39,583 --> 00:15:41,951
I don't know, fat man,
I think you're jumping the gun.
357
00:15:41,986 --> 00:15:44,454
I mean, crucifixion seemed great
at first, too.
358
00:15:44,488 --> 00:15:46,189
Why are you
doing that?
359
00:15:46,223 --> 00:15:47,890
'Cause I'm mad at this guy.
360
00:15:47,925 --> 00:15:50,026
I'm mad at this jar of
pickles I can't open.
361
00:15:50,060 --> 00:15:51,194
Nail it up.
362
00:15:54,898 --> 00:15:57,266
Hey, guys, I want you to
meet our new dog, Vinny.
363
00:15:57,301 --> 00:15:59,035
Vinny, this is Joe
and Quagmire.
364
00:15:59,069 --> 00:16:00,336
Hey, Vinny.
How you doing?
365
00:16:00,371 --> 00:16:01,371
Real good.
366
00:16:01,405 --> 00:16:02,839
Hey, so I hear
you're a cop.
367
00:16:02,873 --> 00:16:03,973
That's right.
368
00:16:04,008 --> 00:16:05,008
Hey, that's great.
369
00:16:05,042 --> 00:16:06,342
Maybe sometime
you could take me
370
00:16:06,377 --> 00:16:08,478
on a ride-along with you,
show me the neighborhood.
371
00:16:08,512 --> 00:16:10,913
Yeah, I don't take people out
on ride-alongs anymore.
372
00:16:10,948 --> 00:16:13,950
I had a bad experience
with Grimace.
373
00:16:16,487 --> 00:16:20,323
I got to be honest, I can't
get a bead on you, man.
374
00:16:29,366 --> 00:16:31,768
Oh, boy, Vinny, hanging out
with you has been the best.
375
00:16:31,802 --> 00:16:32,835
You want another beer?
376
00:16:32,870 --> 00:16:34,103
No.
377
00:16:34,138 --> 00:16:35,304
I'd love one!
378
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:38,408
What? What? The first
thing you said was...
379
00:16:38,442 --> 00:16:40,209
Oh, my God!
380
00:16:40,244 --> 00:16:42,512
You're on... you're, like,
on another level, Vinny!
381
00:16:43,847 --> 00:16:44,914
Congratulations.
382
00:16:44,948 --> 00:16:46,649
You've won over
a complete imbecile.
383
00:16:46,684 --> 00:16:47,784
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
384
00:16:47,818 --> 00:16:49,485
Did you just speak
ill of the man
385
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:51,154
who busts his tail
providing for you?
386
00:16:51,188 --> 00:16:53,289
He spent my college fund
on puppet clothes.
387
00:16:53,323 --> 00:16:55,658
Hey, don't get fresh
with me, Estudio.
388
00:16:55,693 --> 00:16:56,893
That's not my name.
389
00:16:56,927 --> 00:16:58,995
That's not even
an Italian version of my name.
390
00:16:59,029 --> 00:17:00,263
Oh, whatever.
391
00:17:00,297 --> 00:17:02,131
Hey, Vinny, you
want to see a puppet show?
392
00:17:02,166 --> 00:17:04,434
They all got
leather jackets!
393
00:17:04,468 --> 00:17:05,702
God, what a jerk.
394
00:17:05,736 --> 00:17:07,236
If this guy thinks
he's sticking around,
395
00:17:07,271 --> 00:17:08,504
he's sorely mistaken.
396
00:17:08,539 --> 00:17:09,939
I'm going to ruin him.
397
00:17:09,973 --> 00:17:12,408
Just like I ruined
that magician's act.
398
00:17:15,279 --> 00:17:17,280
People, people, people.
399
00:17:17,314 --> 00:17:19,649
This man drives a Saturn.
400
00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:24,787
All right, Rupert,
I've been left with no choice.
401
00:17:24,822 --> 00:17:27,156
I'm going to tell Vinny
so much bad news
402
00:17:27,191 --> 00:17:28,424
about Italian-Americans
403
00:17:28,459 --> 00:17:30,426
that he goes
into cardiac arrest.
404
00:17:30,461 --> 00:17:31,894
Vinny, there you are.
405
00:17:31,929 --> 00:17:33,262
I have some
terrible news.
406
00:17:33,297 --> 00:17:36,099
Sal Annuncio's kid was
killed by a falling piano!
407
00:17:36,133 --> 00:17:38,234
Oh! How could this happen?!
408
00:17:38,268 --> 00:17:39,869
That kid was
an honors student!
409
00:17:39,903 --> 00:17:41,871
He'd just applied
to SUNY Albany.
410
00:17:41,905 --> 00:17:43,573
He just got in
to SUNY Albany.
411
00:17:43,607 --> 00:17:45,007
Oh!
412
00:17:45,042 --> 00:17:46,275
This is too much, Stewie.
413
00:17:46,310 --> 00:17:47,443
I can't take it.
414
00:17:47,478 --> 00:17:49,011
Oh, my God, it's working.
415
00:17:49,046 --> 00:17:50,813
Hey, Vinny, Bobby
Lammaduro's kid
416
00:17:50,848 --> 00:17:52,348
just got out of
the hospital.
417
00:17:52,382 --> 00:17:54,117
He beat the cancer!
418
00:17:54,151 --> 00:17:55,818
Oh, thank heavens.
419
00:17:55,853 --> 00:17:59,088
Big man in the sky
knows what he's doing.
420
00:17:59,123 --> 00:18:00,456
Chris, what are you doing?
421
00:18:00,491 --> 00:18:02,759
Call me a creep,
you piece of crap!
422
00:18:06,263 --> 00:18:07,897
Hey, Doonesbury,
423
00:18:07,931 --> 00:18:10,733
how about a joke that ain't
for fancy millionaires?
424
00:18:21,411 --> 00:18:23,713
Stewie, what's with
the waterworks?
425
00:18:23,747 --> 00:18:25,948
Oh, um, um...
I-I just...
426
00:18:25,983 --> 00:18:28,050
I realized I paid too much
for my muffler.
427
00:18:28,085 --> 00:18:29,752
Come on, kid,
quit crying.
428
00:18:29,787 --> 00:18:31,521
You're gonna get
your pants wrinkled.
429
00:18:31,555 --> 00:18:32,889
What's the matter?
430
00:18:32,923 --> 00:18:34,090
Fine.
431
00:18:34,124 --> 00:18:35,725
Do you want to know
what's the matter?
432
00:18:35,759 --> 00:18:37,026
You're the matter.
433
00:18:37,060 --> 00:18:39,262
Everyone in this family
is so damn thrilled with you,
434
00:18:39,296 --> 00:18:40,963
they've forgotten
all about Brian.
435
00:18:40,998 --> 00:18:42,365
Well, I'm not thrilled.
436
00:18:42,399 --> 00:18:44,100
I'll never forget Brian.
437
00:18:44,134 --> 00:18:45,802
He was my best friend.
438
00:18:45,836 --> 00:18:49,071
You're not supposed to lose
your best friend at my age.
439
00:18:49,106 --> 00:18:51,541
You're not supposed
to lose him ever!
440
00:18:51,575 --> 00:18:54,644
Look, Stewie, I know it
doesn't seem like it now,
441
00:18:54,678 --> 00:18:56,112
but you're gonna be okay.
442
00:18:56,146 --> 00:18:57,980
Yeah, right.
How do you know?
443
00:18:58,015 --> 00:19:02,151
Because, I once had a thing
happen to me with some stuff.
444
00:19:02,186 --> 00:19:03,719
Really?
That's what's happening to me.
445
00:19:03,754 --> 00:19:04,987
Stuff.
446
00:19:05,022 --> 00:19:06,956
You know, before you guys
found me at the shop,
447
00:19:06,990 --> 00:19:08,691
I lived with an old man
named Leo.
448
00:19:08,725 --> 00:19:11,127
It was just him and me
in a tiny apartment,
449
00:19:11,161 --> 00:19:12,495
and we got pretty tight.
450
00:19:12,529 --> 00:19:14,397
He kind of became
my whole world.
451
00:19:14,431 --> 00:19:18,067
By the time he passed away,
it was real tough.
452
00:19:18,101 --> 00:19:20,069
So, how did he die?
453
00:19:20,103 --> 00:19:21,737
He tried to go
to a yoga class,
454
00:19:21,772 --> 00:19:24,373
and on the first pose, his
ball sack split in half.
455
00:19:24,408 --> 00:19:25,441
Really?
456
00:19:25,475 --> 00:19:26,742
Yeah, it was
on Dateline.
457
00:19:26,777 --> 00:19:28,044
It was a whole thing.
458
00:19:28,078 --> 00:19:31,280
Anyway, I guess Leo was
kind of like my Brian.
459
00:19:31,315 --> 00:19:33,950
Well, so,
how'd you get over him?
460
00:19:33,984 --> 00:19:35,918
Well, I met your family
in the pet store.
461
00:19:35,953 --> 00:19:37,787
When I saw you guys
looking for a dog,
462
00:19:37,821 --> 00:19:39,689
I kind of sensed
you were all going through
463
00:19:39,723 --> 00:19:41,524
the same feelings of loss
that I was.
464
00:19:41,558 --> 00:19:42,925
And it made me think,
465
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,927
hey, maybe I was meant
to find these guys.
466
00:19:44,962 --> 00:19:47,563
Maybe we were meant
to be together.
467
00:19:47,598 --> 00:19:49,198
You know what, Vinny?
468
00:19:49,233 --> 00:19:51,901
I'm starting to think
that may be true.
469
00:19:51,935 --> 00:19:54,470
Bring it in, Stewie.
470
00:19:58,976 --> 00:20:00,977
Hey, Stewie,
now that we're pals,
471
00:20:01,011 --> 00:20:02,778
maybe you can
answer me something.
472
00:20:02,813 --> 00:20:05,114
Why does your living room
smell so much like puke?
473
00:20:05,148 --> 00:20:07,183
Somebody throw up a
lot in there once?
474
00:20:07,217 --> 00:20:10,253
Vinny, my friend, you got a lot
of stories to catch up on.
475
00:20:10,287 --> 00:20:11,787
I got most of them on DVD.
476
00:20:11,822 --> 00:20:12,889
Oh, cool.
477
00:20:12,923 --> 00:20:14,690
Like, by season
and stuff?
478
00:20:14,725 --> 00:20:17,460
No, not by season.
479
00:20:21,965 --> 00:20:24,133
Boy, I can't remember
the last time
480
00:20:24,167 --> 00:20:25,935
Stewie fell asleep
this early.
481
00:20:25,969 --> 00:20:28,504
Well, I think the little guy
had a long day.
482
00:20:28,538 --> 00:20:30,907
All right, come on,
time for bed, Vinny.
483
00:20:30,941 --> 00:20:33,209
I'll tell Peter to turn off
the nightlight this time.
484
00:20:33,243 --> 00:20:35,878
No! I need it
for in case there's witches!
485
00:20:35,913 --> 00:20:37,146
You know, actually, Lois,
486
00:20:37,180 --> 00:20:39,582
I think I'm gonna sleep
in here with Stewie tonight.
487
00:20:39,616 --> 00:20:41,617
Oh, well,
isn't that nice.
488
00:20:41,652 --> 00:20:43,319
Sleep tight, you two.
489
00:20:47,557 --> 00:20:48,591
Good night, Vinny.
490
00:20:48,625 --> 00:20:50,126
Good night, Stewie.
491
00:20:50,374 --> 00:20:52,371
Hey, you guys know
which room is Peter's?
492
00:20:52,372 --> 00:20:53,620
Across the hall.
493
00:20:53,645 --> 00:20:56,536
Ah, it's too bright in there.
Never mind.
494
00:20:56,537 --> 00:21:01,537
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man