1 00:00:04,455 --> 00:00:08,459 Family Guy The Former Life of Brian 2 00:00:09,304 --> 00:00:12,355 www.forom.com 3 00:00:22,462 --> 00:00:24,482 Transcript: Raceman Synchro: www.subsfactory.it 4 00:00:24,745 --> 00:00:29,063 Traduction: Lgy, Tezman, Skualler 2 00:00:39,776 --> 00:00:41,309 Hey, Stewie, you ready to go home? 3 00:00:41,310 --> 00:00:42,302 About an hour ago. 4 00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:43,535 This party sucks. 5 00:00:43,536 --> 00:00:44,602 What happened to your face? 6 00:00:44,603 --> 00:00:46,012 I'a ttcat. 7 00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:48,684 Stupid face-painters apparently never heard of Darth Maul. 8 00:00:48,685 --> 00:00:51,205 This party's worse than a Mexican funeral. 9 00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:55,808 Es con mucho dolor que digamos adios a Javier.. 10 00:00:56,065 --> 00:01:01,660 y Pepe y Carlos y Lupe, y otra Lu 11 00:01:01,661 --> 00:01:05,362 ,lvor Faan, Jesus, Maria, 12 00:01:05,401 --> 00:01:09,004 Vincente, y los perros de Vincente. 13 00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:19,453 Come on. Let's get out of here, Ban. 14 00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:20,982 Wait. Hang on a second. 15 00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:22,162 Who's that? 16 00:01:25,277 --> 00:01:26,493 That's Jared's mom. 17 00:01:26,498 --> 00:01:27,983 Her husband died in Iraq. 18 00:01:27,986 --> 00:01:28,843 Really? 19 00:01:29,625 --> 00:01:31,511 No, wait. He was either wounded or killed. 20 00:01:31,517 --> 00:01:32,150 don't remember. 21 00:01:32,157 --> 00:01:33,871 Well, which is it, Stewie, wounded or killed? 22 00:01:33,877 --> 00:01:34,621 I can work with either. 23 00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:35,661 No, no, he's dead. He's dead. 24 00:01:35,668 --> 00:01:36,982 Just like the Pink Panther. 25 00:01:37,688 --> 00:01:39,123 What's wrong with him, Doctor? 26 00:01:39,127 --> 00:01:41,480 Well, it seems his lungs are completely filled 27 00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:44,050 with Owens-Corning fiberglass insulation. 28 00:01:44,057 --> 00:01:44,771 What?! 29 00:01:44,936 --> 00:01:45,970 Will he be okay? 30 00:01:45,977 --> 00:01:47,650 Noheon bok. 31 00:01:47,658 --> 00:01:51,621 One-third of his body weight is Owens-Corning fiberglass insulation. 32 00:01:53,808 --> 00:01:55,223 llth'st. 33 00:01:55,226 --> 00:01:58,500 But don't worry, he won't burn in hell thanks to all that 34 00:01:58,506 --> 00:02:00,961 Owens-Corning fiberglass insulation. 35 00:02:03,088 --> 00:02:05,693 How about at gianhu Yeah, he's great. 36 00:02:05,747 --> 00:02:06,960 I love magicians. 37 00:02:07,055 --> 00:02:10,130 I don't know why, but I've always found magic very sexy. 38 00:02:10,138 --> 00:02:10,973 I'm a magician. 39 00:02:10,987 --> 00:02:11,671 You are? 40 00:02:11,886 --> 00:02:13,192 How long have you been doing magic? 41 00:02:13,196 --> 00:02:14,411 Oh, long time. 42 00:02:14,417 --> 00:02:15,763 I used to work with Doug Henning. 43 00:02:15,768 --> 00:02:16,472 Wow. 44 00:02:16,578 --> 00:02:18,462 Yeah. Want to e Dg nng? 45 00:02:19,028 --> 00:02:20,871 Welcome to the wonderful world of magic. 46 00:02:20,878 --> 00:02:22,640 Hope I don't get AIDS. 47 00:02:23,508 --> 00:02:25,993 Oh, God, that is so my humor. 48 00:02:25,997 --> 00:02:29,050 You know, my son's birthday party is next weekend. 49 00:02:29,198 --> 00:02:31,333 Any chance I can hire you to do your act? 50 00:02:31,338 --> 00:02:32,632 Absolutely! 51 00:02:32,667 --> 00:02:34,961 I think the magis arngo pp already. 52 00:02:36,216 --> 00:02:37,892 Brian, this is painful. 53 00:02:37,898 --> 00:02:39,891 It's like listening to those two foreign guys 54 00:02:39,926 --> 00:02:42,201 down at the coffee shop o' bn vi ithU. 55 00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:44,083 almost long enough to sound American. 56 00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:47,921 Oh, man, what a good bunch of partying at that discotheque. 57 00:02:47,928 --> 00:02:49,743 eylad e mauence requests. 58 00:02:49,747 --> 00:02:50,743 Way awesome. 59 00:02:50,758 --> 00:02:53,341 I myself drank, like, five liters of beer. 60 00:02:53,346 --> 00:02:55,932 Any more and I would have ended up in hospital, man. 61 00:02:55,937 --> 00:03:00,511 Ohyosa ifrnd to stay 'cause I almost hadsex on this girl. 62 00:03:00,515 --> 00:03:02,842 Oh, yeah! But itwas soxpsive. 63 00:03:02,847 --> 00:03:05,231 Each drink was, like,x lls. 64 00:03:08,506 --> 00:03:09,772 And if I've donethis right, 65 00:03:09,927 --> 00:03:12,573 then this isyour car Swi 66 00:03:12,745 --> 00:03:14,731 Really, Brian?Card tricks? 67 00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:16,711 That's what's gonna closethe deal with this woman? 68 00:03:16,716 --> 00:03:17,893 Well, yeah.Why not? 69 00:03:17,908 --> 00:03:19,771 You need more than t u need an act. 70 00:03:19,775 --> 00:03:22,601 Listen, I'll beyour assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show. 71 00:03:22,637 --> 00:03:23,101 Really? 72 00:03:23,106 --> 00:03:24,441 Yeah, we'll doall the great tricks. 73 00:03:24,447 --> 00:03:25,972 You can evensplit me in half. 74 00:03:25,978 --> 00:03:27,261 What?w iha. 75 00:03:27,305 --> 00:03:29,301 Well, I am still a little shaky onsome of this stuff. 76 00:03:29,307 --> 00:03:30,683 I guess I coulduse the help. 77 00:03:30,686 --> 00:03:33,440 Great. And we'll get youa wand, a top hat and a cape. 78 00:03:33,526 --> 00:03:36,582 In fact, you can usePeter's cape from last year'sHaeen costume. 79 00:03:36,796 --> 00:03:37,621 Hi, Brian. 80 00:03:37,726 --> 00:03:40,800 I'm Count Crotchula,the bulging vampire. 81 00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:44,303 I'll bite your neck, but also look w gamowthe. 82 00:03:44,338 --> 00:03:45,772 That costume doesn'tmake any sense. 83 00:03:45,776 --> 00:03:47,702 Don't stiflemy creativity! 84 00:03:47,716 --> 00:03:49,363 See that bulgedown there, Brian. 85 00:03:49,367 --> 00:03:51,431 Whats atWh iit 86 00:03:51,477 --> 00:03:54,612 Can't be my pointy teeth, 'cause those areall the way up here. 87 00:03:55,097 --> 00:03:57,050 I'll let you inon a little secret. 88 00:03:57,988 --> 00:03:59,803 Happy Halloween. 89 00:04:02,997 --> 00:04:05,093 Okay, kids, it's time forthe magic show. 90 00:04:05,098 --> 00:04:09,312 Hoabt birod applause for The Amazing Brian?! 91 00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:11,501 Yay!I love magic! 92 00:04:11,665 --> 00:04:14,393 I can't believe I agreedto four costume changes. 93 00:04:14,468 --> 00:04:17,542 Oh, who am I kidding?I insisted on it. 94 00:04:17,555 --> 00:04:19,420 Brian thanks so muchfor doing this. 95 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:22,072 Paul and I are so excitedto see your act. 96 00:04:22,077 --> 00:04:23,611 Oh, thank...Wait. What? 97 00:04:23,617 --> 00:04:25,092 Paul, my boyfriend. 98 00:04:25,227 --> 00:04:26,540 Paul, this is Brian. 99 00:04:26,545 --> 00:04:28,190 Boyfriend?!Oh, come on! 100 00:04:28,275 --> 00:04:30,142 I id80foalth crap! 101 00:04:30,148 --> 00:04:31,322 You have a boyfriend?! 102 00:04:31,326 --> 00:04:31,811 Yeah. 103 00:04:31,817 --> 00:04:32,920 And I'm a great guy. 104 00:04:32,928 --> 00:04:35,763 I'm unemployed, but that makes her feel usefulin the relationship. 105 00:04:35,766 --> 00:04:36,903 m nnfihi 106 00:04:36,907 --> 00:04:39,160 Our relationshipwill do fine on that basis. 107 00:04:39,198 --> 00:04:41,363 If he had his life together, I wouldn'tbe into it. 108 00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:42,140 But I don't. 109 00:04:42,147 --> 00:04:44,183 God! I am so sickof this crap! 110 00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:45,530 Is this the show? 111 00:04:45,538 --> 00:04:47,232 You know what? The hell withboth of you! 112 00:04:47,237 --> 00:04:48,012 I'm outta here! 113 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:50,500 Are we doing this thing or what? 114 00:04:50,505 --> 00:04:52,861 Brian? Brian? 115 00:04:53,405 --> 00:04:55,441 Well, this was a lot of effortfor nothing... 116 00:04:55,516 --> 00:04:58,582 like trying to tellMatthew McConaughey how much he sucks. 117 00:04:58,587 --> 00:05:02,051 You know, Matthew, I-I may not ever getotr an to say this,so I 118 00:05:02,055 --> 00:05:04,152 just want to get this offmy chest. 119 00:05:04,357 --> 00:05:06,442 You are just awful. 120 00:05:06,457 --> 00:05:09,753 You're one of the worst actors t hto ofi.. 121 00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:12,243 ...and I think that you needto go away. 122 00:05:12,247 --> 00:05:13,093 Oh, thanks, man. 123 00:05:13,097 --> 00:05:16,481 The truth is I spendat least 90% of my year going away 124 00:05:16,488 --> 00:05:19,150 exploringexotic places, having sex with mybeautiful 125 00:05:19,195 --> 00:05:20,383 girlfriend,just doing sit-ups. 126 00:05:20,417 --> 00:05:22,251 I mean, I really...And then counting money. 127 00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:25,220 Money that I made off thteib fmsat I put out into the American 128 00:05:25,257 --> 00:05:27,253 populacebecause they just love to see me 129 00:05:27,298 --> 00:05:28,850 doing whatit is that I do. 130 00:05:28,858 --> 00:05:29,851 Yes, but you'renot hearing me. 131 00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:32,851 Dazed anCous wathonthgthat was passable. 132 00:05:32,855 --> 00:05:34,031 After that...Oh, thanks, man. 133 00:05:34,078 --> 00:05:35,172 That actuallylaunched my care 134 00:05:35,217 --> 00:05:37,862 After that, everything elsewas awful. 135 00:05:37,897 --> 00:05:40,532 Contact, they didn'teven need u tt vi They could have donethe 136 00:05:40,535 --> 00:05:41,451 whole movie without you. 137 00:05:41,455 --> 00:05:42,632 I know. I know. I saidthe same thing. 138 00:05:42,637 --> 00:05:44,622 but they're just, like, "Oh, we need agood-looking guy " 139 00:05:44,626 --> 00:05:47,471 with a greaasanso thtbs "to just provide 140 00:05:47,508 --> 00:05:49,382 some down-home enthusiasmin this picture. 141 00:05:49,386 --> 00:05:51,221 Something to counterbalanceJodie Foster." 142 00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:54,873 They took her to be,uh, slightlyd,, apoaab, you know? 143 00:05:54,878 --> 00:05:55,720 So they put mein there. 144 00:05:55,721 --> 00:05:56,912 I said it didn'tmake any sense. 145 00:05:56,911 --> 00:05:59,904 Said the, saidthe same thing about that Bill Murrayelephant movie, 146 00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:02,243 but they were just, like,"Oh, theudnc nd u. 147 00:06:03,109 --> 00:06:05,073 You make me physicallysick to my stomach, 148 00:06:05,108 --> 00:06:07,040 and I wish that you would get aheart attack. 149 00:06:07,048 --> 00:06:08,141 I totally feel you, man. 150 00:06:08,146 --> 00:06:11,111 Truth of the mte isI n'li my movies either, but, man, they 151 00:06:11,117 --> 00:06:13,081 justkeep offering me money 152 00:06:13,087 --> 00:06:14,982 and I do it and I getto go around the world. 153 00:06:15,026 --> 00:06:16,293 I mean, didyou see Sahara? 154 00:06:17,147 --> 00:06:19,233 te you whatthe move gave me was an opportunity to take an 155 00:06:19,237 --> 00:06:20,800 Airstreamall across the country 156 00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:23,011 and sell that pictureone person at a time. 157 00:06:23,017 --> 00:06:24,482 You suck donkey ass. 158 00:06:24,486 --> 00:06:25,712 Now, you can'tprove that. 159 00:06:28,797 --> 00:06:30,403 That was so humiliating! 160 00:06:30,405 --> 00:06:33,560 I mean, look atall the stuff I t se toujust to get laid. 161 00:06:33,565 --> 00:06:34,672 Oh, don't worry,my friend. 162 00:06:34,676 --> 00:06:36,400 One day you'llfind your soul mate. 163 00:06:36,455 --> 00:06:39,180 The sad thing is I already did...years ago. 164 00:06:39,758 --> 00:06:44,000 Try anan She was the greatest girl I ever met,and I blew it. 165 00:06:44,345 --> 00:06:45,281 You should look her up. 166 00:06:45,297 --> 00:06:46,131 Oh, am I boring you? 167 00:06:46,138 --> 00:06:48,281 No, it's just...long day. 168 00:06:48,357 --> 00:06:50,023 Well, I supposeI could look her up. 169 00:06:50,108 --> 00:06:51,922 I just wonder if she'd evenwant to see me. 170 00:06:52,018 --> 00:06:54,183 I wasn't exactly the nicestguy in the world. 171 00:06:54,577 --> 00:06:58,590 And then, inghchl, I was violated sexuallyby my father. 172 00:06:58,595 --> 00:07:02,063 It happened onnumerous occasions, and I was too idto tell 173 00:07:02,105 --> 00:07:05,283 anyone because I felt likesomehow it w mfat. 174 00:07:06,415 --> 00:07:09,502 So... you do goall the way. 175 00:07:15,905 --> 00:07:17,493 Well, here goes. 176 00:07:23,718 --> 00:07:25,343 Uh, Tracy? 177 00:07:26,078 --> 00:07:27,460 acFlag? 178 00:07:27,527 --> 00:07:30,873 Oh, my God, Brian Griffin, is that you? 179 00:07:30,898 --> 00:07:33,610 Uh, yeah, it's me. 180 00:07:33,615 --> 00:07:36,640 Analheanis to kiss you just one more time. 181 00:07:37,117 --> 00:07:40,922 Wow, you sure look...different than the last timeI saw you. 182 00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:42,562 ahhacu 183 00:07:42,565 --> 00:07:45,013 So to get out of hereI just make a left out 184 00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:46,962 of the driveway and drive as fastas I can? 185 00:07:46,965 --> 00:07:50,553 Wait. Brian, I'm actually gladyofod. 186 00:07:50,588 --> 00:07:53,890 There's someoneI've wanted you to meet for a long time. 187 00:07:53,898 --> 00:07:55,233 From the lookat those toenails, 188 00:07:55,238 --> 00:07:57,591 I bet it's thatlittle Lamisil monster. 189 00:07:57,767 --> 00:08:00,052 Brian, this is Dylan. 190 00:08:00,058 --> 00:08:02,413 He's... your son. 191 00:08:02,587 --> 00:08:04,210 Oh, no way! 192 00:08:04,215 --> 00:08:06,372 Jey!er! rr 193 00:08:09,807 --> 00:08:13,033 Gosh, this is alovely home, Tracy. 194 00:08:13,058 --> 00:08:14,102 That's so weird. 195 00:08:14,167 --> 00:08:17,163 It smells likethere's a cat, buI t ersno cat. 196 00:08:17,165 --> 00:08:20,160 I wanted you to meet Dylanfor a long time, Brian. 197 00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:22,092 Well, Brian, a son. 198 00:08:22,098 --> 00:08:23,242 How about that? 199 00:08:23,317 --> 00:08:26,683 Myodth imounmftable than the good-byein The Wizard of Oz. 200 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,163 Good-bye, Tin Man. 201 00:08:28,166 --> 00:08:31,331 Good-bye, Doro Good-bye, Lion. 202 00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:32,821 Good-bye, Dorothy. 203 00:08:32,936 --> 00:08:35,580 I think I'll miss youmost of all, Scarecrow. 204 00:08:35,996 --> 00:08:36,993 Oh, okay. 205 00:08:36,996 --> 00:08:38,213 That's kind of anodd thing to say. 206 00:08:38,216 --> 00:08:40,770 Yeah, sort of a weird commentrit fntf 207 00:08:40,816 --> 00:08:42,410 l u Kinda thoughtthis was a team effort. 208 00:08:42,427 --> 00:08:45,491 Yeah, yeah.Really, really glad I risked my lifeand everything. 209 00:08:45,497 --> 00:08:48,321 Yeah, you're, like,five minutes from gone and you leave with that? 210 00:08:48,337 --> 00:08:51,633 You know, it's likecutting a huge fart and then walkingout of the room. 211 00:08:51,716 --> 00:08:54,771 And that's how we'll remember you,as a big fart. 212 00:08:54,908 --> 00:08:56,452 Good-bye, big fart. 213 00:08:59,715 --> 00:09:03,211 So, Dylan, um, shouldn'tyou be in school? 214 00:09:03,226 --> 00:09:04,063 I doknow. 215 00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:05,813 It's Wednesday.Up yours! 216 00:09:05,815 --> 00:09:08,042 Nice kid. Say, Brian,now that I think about it, 217 00:09:08,085 --> 00:09:12,331 how can you possible havea 13-year-old son enouourselfare only seven? 218 00:09:12,405 --> 00:09:13,683 Well, those are dog years. 219 00:09:13,706 --> 00:09:14,892 That doesn't makeany sense. 220 00:09:14,898 --> 00:09:15,690 You know what, Stewie? 221 00:09:15,695 --> 00:09:17,651 If you don't like it, go on the Internetand complain. 222 00:09:21,067 --> 00:09:22,060 Oh, it was awful. 223 00:09:22,065 --> 00:09:23,513 That kid was acomplete thug. 224 00:09:23,526 --> 00:09:25,570 I'm telling you, I couldn't get outof there fast enough. 225 00:09:25,575 --> 00:09:28,363 Boy, Brian, youdodged a bullet not having toraise that kid. 226 00:09:28,365 --> 00:09:30,001 Your life would havebeen more miserable 227 00:09:30,005 --> 00:09:31,152 than a lonely old widow 228 00:09:31,167 --> 00:09:32,931 livingin a downstairs apartment. 229 00:09:35,686 --> 00:09:37,620 Quiet! Keep itdown up there! 230 00:09:38,576 --> 00:09:39,900 What did I just say? 231 00:09:39,928 --> 00:09:41,131 I'm callg e li! 232 00:09:42,097 --> 00:09:43,360 I don't know, Brian. 233 00:09:43,365 --> 00:09:45,920 Don't you think you havea responsibility to your son? 234 00:09:45,928 --> 00:09:48,770 Hey, Lois, I didn't even knowI had a son until today. 235 00:09:48,818 --> 00:09:51,523 Anbede is t keTracy ever asked for my help. 236 00:09:51,525 --> 00:09:53,320 Yeah, it seemed likethey're all set without you. 237 00:09:53,327 --> 00:09:59,723 She's done a fine job creating a child-friendlyenvironment... 238 00:10:03,645 --> 00:10:04,762 Great parenting. 239 00:10:04,777 --> 00:10:05,673 I don't know, Brian. 240 00:10:05,678 --> 00:10:08,431 Raising a child is a veryrewarding experience. 241 00:10:08,436 --> 00:10:09,692 You know what elseis rewarding, Lois? 242 00:10:09,697 --> 00:10:10,781 Shuttin' your vag. 243 00:10:10,786 --> 00:10:11,542 What?Wh? 244 00:10:14,165 --> 00:10:16,513 Dylan! What are youdoing here? 245 00:10:16,518 --> 00:10:18,450 My mom wanted meto give you this. 246 00:10:18,667 --> 00:10:22,242 "To Brian from Tracy.He's your obm w. 247 00:10:22,725 --> 00:10:25,313 "P.S. Will you write mea letter of recommendation for the 248 00:10:25,315 --> 00:10:26,832 Universityof Phoenix?" 249 00:10:27,455 --> 00:10:29,673 No. No, I'm not gonna t se othli like that. 250 00:10:29,678 --> 00:10:31,181 But Dylan, my God! 251 00:10:31,245 --> 00:10:34,802 Everybody, thishandsome muscular boy is Brian's son, Dylan. 252 00:10:34,807 --> 00:10:37,000 Dyn gnae ayingwith us for a while. 253 00:10:37,005 --> 00:10:38,962 Dylan, it's so niceto meet you. 254 00:10:39,037 --> 00:10:40,093 Shut up, bitch! 255 00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:41,931 Oh! He gotyou, Lois. 256 00:10:41,947 --> 00:10:44,910 No, no,!accat ts. She can't justleave him here. 257 00:10:44,917 --> 00:10:47,040 Well, we can't justturn him away, Brian. 258 00:10:47,087 --> 00:10:48,882 After all, he is family. 259 00:10:48,967 --> 00:10:51,103 I don't know. ers gna sleep? 260 00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:52,923 He could sleepin Stewie's room. 261 00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:54,763 Would you likethat, sweetie? 262 00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:57,552 No, my pants just got shorter'cause I hated the idea. 263 00:11:00,825 --> 00:11:02,000 And this is Chris. 264 00:11:02,005 --> 00:11:04,121 Chris, this ismy son, Dylan. 265 00:11:04,296 --> 00:11:05,241 Hi, Dylan. 266 00:11:05,335 --> 00:11:07,463 All istu ihe imi now. 267 00:11:08,388 --> 00:11:09,122 Well... 268 00:11:09,266 --> 00:11:11,862 Okay, but be carefulopening the closet, 269 00:11:11,895 --> 00:11:13,930 'cause that's wherethe evil monkey lives. 270 00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:21,712 y! 271 00:11:21,717 --> 00:11:24,131 I haven't been inmy closet for years! 272 00:11:24,995 --> 00:11:27,831 Boy, there is a lotof feces in here. 273 00:11:33,345 --> 00:11:34,683 Something on yourmind, son? 274 00:11:34,698 --> 00:11:37,012 Shut up, dude. You'rejust a fat old bastard. 275 00:11:37,015 --> 00:11:40,443 ll, not to get technical,sir, but you are the bastard. 276 00:11:42,716 --> 00:11:44,772 Front... 277 00:11:44,775 --> 00:11:49,373 I say.. 278 00:11:49,377 --> 00:11:51,651 i'll.. 279 00:11:51,656 --> 00:11:54,543 you run.. 280 00:11:54,545 --> 00:11:56,500 schn.. 281 00:11:56,765 --> 00:11:58,012 I hate you all! 282 00:11:58,016 --> 00:11:59,520 I didn't askto be born. 283 00:11:59,616 --> 00:12:02,081 Iad g, Iwould kill you all! 284 00:12:02,327 --> 00:12:03,340 Did you hear that, Lois? 285 00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,530 Now we know what toget him for Christmas. 286 00:12:05,535 --> 00:12:08,362 Oh! I love the holidays. 287 00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:10,790 Brian, you have gotto get Dylan under control. 288 00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:12,580 He's terrorizingthe whole family. 289 00:12:12,588 --> 00:12:14,993 Yeah, you wouldn't believe what he didto Meg yesterday. 290 00:12:15,008 --> 00:12:18,542 He made her watc thotr 8 urof Monty Python stuff that isn't 291 00:12:18,548 --> 00:12:20,463 funnyor memorable. 292 00:12:20,465 --> 00:12:24,420 I have a pet hedgehog named Zippy and I shall walk her to town, 293 00:12:24,426 --> 00:12:27,421 and each time my foot hits the ground, I shall say, "Boing, 294 00:12:27,425 --> 00:12:29,920 boing, boing." 295 00:12:29,926 --> 00:12:31,112 m gi! 296 00:12:31,117 --> 00:12:33,771 I don't even like the good Monty Python sketches. 297 00:12:34,058 --> 00:12:36,212 Don't worry, I got itunder control, Lois. 298 00:12:36,258 --> 00:12:38,921 I'm monitoring Dylan from hereon Stewie's baby monitor. 299 00:12:39,236 --> 00:12:41,530 Hey, Dylan. Hey, come on in here for a sec. 300 00:12:41,536 --> 00:12:43,300 Stewie, why are you nude? 301 00:12:43,307 --> 00:12:45,622 Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here 302 00:12:45,668 --> 00:12:47,033 ll aak t party. 303 00:12:47,115 --> 00:12:48,993 Got my teacup here. 304 00:12:48,998 --> 00:12:50,612 Now all I need is a tea bag. 305 00:12:51,467 --> 00:12:53,181 That's something that interests you, my friend? 306 00:12:53,185 --> 00:12:54,973 u' wrd Yeah, and you're attractive 307 00:12:55,016 --> 00:12:56,773 Now take your beep pants off! 308 00:12:56,778 --> 00:12:57,952 I'm outta here. 309 00:12:58,576 --> 00:13:00,551 Oh, did you see that, Rupert? 310 00:13:00,746 --> 00:13:05,491 How Le Gu ineneconds, starring Stewie Griffin, huh? 311 00:13:05,636 --> 00:13:07,602 Gee whiz. 312 00:13:11,566 --> 00:13:13,483 Hey, Lois, is theair conditioning on? 313 00:13:13,486 --> 00:13:15,551 I just woke up from anap and I feel drafty. 314 00:13:15,655 --> 00:13:17,482 Peter, we don't haveair conditioning 315 00:13:17,527 --> 00:13:19,411 Well, that'sawful peculiar. 316 00:13:19,497 --> 00:13:21,932 Oh, my God. Peter, look. 317 00:13:22,036 --> 00:13:24,400 Oh, damn it, Dylan.What the hell? 318 00:13:24,476 --> 00:13:26,380 llthk dI'm full of Play-Doh. 319 00:13:32,338 --> 00:13:33,363 The are. 320 00:13:33,368 --> 00:13:37,231 That's it. I'mtelling Brian he has to reign Dylan inonce and for all. 321 00:13:37,236 --> 00:13:38,620 Hey, where isBrian anyway? 322 00:13:46,036 --> 00:13:47,252 Oh, thanks, Lois. 323 00:13:47,255 --> 00:13:49,503 Dylan put this paperbaony ad and I could not, 324 00:13:49,546 --> 00:13:51,753 for the life of me, figure out howto get it off. 325 00:13:51,757 --> 00:13:53,151 The kid's a sociopath. 326 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,252 Well, it's time yoiddown the law with him. 327 00:13:55,258 --> 00:13:56,443 I couldn't agree more. 328 00:13:56,505 --> 00:13:59,163 I am gonna kick himout of this house faster than NASA kicked 329 00:13:59,168 --> 00:14:00,703 outthe Cocoa Puffs bird. 330 00:14:00,856 --> 00:14:02,970 Okay, your physicalexam was within range. 331 00:14:02,977 --> 00:14:04,803 You aced theflight simulator. 332 00:14:04,807 --> 00:14:07,061 I guess all that's left isthe psychological screening. 333 00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:08,001 Okay. 334 00:14:08,016 --> 00:14:09,390 How do youfeel about this? 335 00:14:09,417 --> 00:14:11,502 Ah, oh, my God,Cocoa Puffs. 336 00:14:11,507 --> 00:14:12,773 No, that's not me anymore. 337 00:14:12,778 --> 00:14:14,043 I'm just here to fly, sir. 338 00:14:15,948 --> 00:14:17,423 All right, Dylan.You know what? 339 00:14:17,468 --> 00:14:20,130 This isn't working out Alrit? don't carethat I'm your father, 340 00:14:20,136 --> 00:14:21,813 and you don't care that you're my son. 341 00:14:21,826 --> 00:14:23,191 We don't have anything in common. 342 00:14:23,236 --> 00:14:25,632 I think it's best if you just get out of this house. 343 00:14:25,636 --> 00:14:27,383 Fine. I hated you anyhow. 344 00:14:27,387 --> 00:14:28,543 Get out of my way. 345 00:14:29,725 --> 00:14:31,042 - My pot! - My pot! 346 00:14:31,046 --> 00:14:32,180 - Your pot? - Your pot? 347 00:14:32,885 --> 00:14:36,081 And then in chapter 28 of my novel, 348 00:14:36,096 --> 00:14:39,331 the other pilots finally trust the Japanese 349 00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:41,770 pilot and let him, let him into... 350 00:14:43,318 --> 00:14:44,371 their group. 351 00:14:44,377 --> 00:14:46,230 Dude, that is an amazing story. 352 00:14:46,666 --> 00:14:50,750 Hey. Hey, what if, um, there were a Korean pilot? 353 00:14:50,877 --> 00:14:52,903 Yeah. Um, I'm not really looking for notes, 354 00:14:52,937 --> 00:14:55,540 but you know, Dylan, I gotta tell you something. 355 00:14:55,678 --> 00:14:58,550 I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up. 356 00:14:58,558 --> 00:15:00,531 Don't. Just, just don't. 357 00:15:00,536 --> 00:15:01,910 If-if I had known having 358 00:15:01,925 --> 00:15:03,473 a son could be like this... 359 00:15:03,477 --> 00:15:05,301 - How dare you? - I didn't know! 360 00:15:05,308 --> 00:15:07,012 You had no right, man. No right. 361 00:15:07,026 --> 00:15:09,412 - It wasn't my fault. - You weren't there for me. 362 00:15:09,416 --> 00:15:11,322 Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be? 363 00:15:14,786 --> 00:15:17,382 Shh. Shh. It's okay. 364 00:15:17,425 --> 00:15:20,260 It's okay. Look, I know I wasn't there 365 00:15:20,268 --> 00:15:22,600 for you man, for all those years, 366 00:15:22,607 --> 00:15:24,613 but...that's gonna change. 367 00:15:25,055 --> 00:15:26,473 It's gonna be different from now on. 368 00:15:26,505 --> 00:15:29,040 And I'm gonna make you into a better person, 369 00:15:29,075 --> 00:15:30,353 starting first thing tomorrow. 370 00:15:30,755 --> 00:15:31,591 Just passing through. 371 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,060 See anything you like, speak up. 372 00:15:39,145 --> 00:15:40,391 Hey, there, everybody. 373 00:15:40,485 --> 00:15:42,270 Was somebody looking for a son 374 00:15:42,285 --> 00:15:43,771 with a bright new path to 375 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,662 adulthood and his very, very proud Dad? 376 00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:48,903 Oh, Dylan, you got a haircut. 377 00:15:48,938 --> 00:15:50,242 Aren't you handsome? 378 00:15:50,345 --> 00:15:51,990 From now on, I plan on being 379 00:15:51,996 --> 00:15:53,581 a real father to Dylan, 380 00:15:53,587 --> 00:15:55,971 and together, we are gonna turn his life around. 381 00:15:55,975 --> 00:15:56,631 Right champ? 382 00:15:56,635 --> 00:15:57,802 You said it, Dad. 383 00:15:57,807 --> 00:15:59,383 All right! You ready for school? 384 00:15:59,388 --> 00:16:01,381 Yeah. Hey, can I drive today? 385 00:16:01,388 --> 00:16:03,571 Oh, this kid! He's only 13. 386 00:16:03,577 --> 00:16:05,171 I know. I was just kidding. 387 00:16:05,187 --> 00:16:09,821 Oh. We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think. 388 00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:10,531 Right? 389 00:16:11,477 --> 00:16:12,811 - Right? - Yes. 390 00:16:17,148 --> 00:16:18,663 - Bye, Mom. - Bye! 391 00:16:18,665 --> 00:16:20,893 All right, kids. Have a good day at school. 392 00:16:22,557 --> 00:16:25,302 Hey, Dylan. Have a great day at school. 393 00:16:25,308 --> 00:16:26,272 Thanks, Dad. 394 00:16:26,445 --> 00:16:27,780 Hey. Knock-knock. 395 00:16:27,786 --> 00:16:28,550 Who's there? 396 00:16:28,707 --> 00:16:29,821 You're there. 397 00:16:30,085 --> 00:16:31,771 I'll always be there, Dylan. 398 00:16:35,647 --> 00:16:37,033 Crudely painted, not-so-funny, 399 00:16:37,035 --> 00:16:38,062 plywood cutout folk art. 400 00:16:38,095 --> 00:16:39,432 Crudely painted, not-so-funny, 401 00:16:39,435 --> 00:16:40,422 plywood cutout folk art. 402 00:16:40,468 --> 00:16:42,012 Crudely painted, not-so-funny, 403 00:16:42,016 --> 00:16:43,172 plywood cutout folk art. 404 00:16:43,207 --> 00:16:44,201 Hi! I'm Al Harrington of 405 00:16:44,216 --> 00:16:45,380 Al Harrington's Wacky Waving 406 00:16:45,388 --> 00:16:47,122 Inflatable, Arm-Flailing Tube-Man 407 00:16:47,126 --> 00:16:48,251 Warehouse and Emporium. 408 00:16:48,265 --> 00:16:49,970 As an unwanted result of a recent lawsuit, 409 00:16:49,975 --> 00:16:50,962 I am now in possession of 410 00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:52,601 hundreds of palettes of crudely 411 00:16:52,616 --> 00:16:54,153 painted, not-so-funny plywood 412 00:16:54,187 --> 00:16:55,633 cutout folk art, and it's just 413 00:16:55,635 --> 00:16:57,180 waiting to transform your uncut, 414 00:16:57,186 --> 00:16:59,583 trash-strewn lawn into a living canvas that tells 415 00:16:59,587 --> 00:17:03,371 passers-by, "Hey, everyone, a real funny bugler lives here." 416 00:17:03,376 --> 00:17:04,790 Your neighbors will chuckle warmly, 417 00:17:04,796 --> 00:17:05,922 and motorists will slow down 418 00:17:05,938 --> 00:17:07,321 and applaud when they cast 419 00:17:07,325 --> 00:17:08,543 their eyes on such favorites as... 420 00:17:08,548 --> 00:17:10,152 Sort-of Ben and Jerry's-Looking Cow, 421 00:17:10,155 --> 00:17:12,291 Black Silhouetted Cowboy Leaning on Barn 422 00:17:12,296 --> 00:17:13,553 and everybody's favorite, 423 00:17:13,588 --> 00:17:16,011 Fat Woman Bending Over Tending to her Garden in Big, 424 00:17:16,017 --> 00:17:17,193 Polka-Dotted Bloomers. 425 00:17:17,198 --> 00:17:18,850 Most of this stuff is price to move 426 00:17:18,857 --> 00:17:21,111 and until it does, it's an enormous fire hazard, 427 00:17:21,125 --> 00:17:22,431 so please, come see me, 428 00:17:22,435 --> 00:17:23,790 on Route 2 in Weekapaug. 429 00:17:23,796 --> 00:17:26,103 Look for the Sort-of Ben and Jerry's Cow out front! 430 00:17:26,316 --> 00:17:27,903 We interrupt this program to bring 431 00:17:27,908 --> 00:17:28,830 you grim news out of 432 00:17:28,867 --> 00:17:31,091 LaGuardia airport, where a 767 has been 433 00:17:31,098 --> 00:17:32,862 forced to make a crash landing. 434 00:17:32,878 --> 00:17:35,111 Oh, man, I tell you, now that I'm a parent, 435 00:17:35,117 --> 00:17:36,940 I can't even watch stories like that. 436 00:17:37,076 --> 00:17:38,533 I just think, you know, I just think, 437 00:17:38,537 --> 00:17:40,681 "Oh, my God, what if Dylan were on that plane?" 438 00:17:40,707 --> 00:17:42,383 Oh, my God, oh, I just don't know what I would do. 439 00:17:42,398 --> 00:17:43,343 I don't know what I would do. 440 00:17:43,347 --> 00:17:44,880 Yeah, yeah, I understand. 441 00:17:44,885 --> 00:17:45,762 That'd be tough. 442 00:17:45,777 --> 00:17:47,113 Oh, oh, no. Oh, no. 443 00:17:47,145 --> 00:17:47,801 No, no. No, no, no. 444 00:17:47,807 --> 00:17:50,360 Quagmire, no. You do not understand. 445 00:17:50,395 --> 00:17:54,520 Until you have a child... Until you have a child, 446 00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:57,472 you do not understand. Okay? 447 00:17:57,606 --> 00:17:58,260 Damn it. 448 00:17:58,265 --> 00:17:59,683 It's been like this all week. 449 00:17:59,688 --> 00:18:01,753 Watch this: Hey, Brian, what would you 450 00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:03,213 do if Dylan fell out a window? 451 00:18:03,218 --> 00:18:05,600 Oh, my God. Oh, my God I don't even want to think about that. 452 00:18:05,608 --> 00:18:06,492 I don't even want to think about that. 453 00:18:06,536 --> 00:18:08,561 Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. 454 00:18:08,567 --> 00:18:10,321 Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? 455 00:18:10,328 --> 00:18:12,703 Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's... 456 00:18:12,748 --> 00:18:13,781 Oh, God. Oh, no, no,no. 457 00:18:13,818 --> 00:18:15,001 Knock on wood. Knock on wood, Knock on wood. 458 00:18:15,006 --> 00:18:16,510 Oh, I can't hear any more of this. 459 00:18:17,756 --> 00:18:20,282 Peter, your dog is giving me diabetes. 460 00:18:20,317 --> 00:18:21,771 Oh, boy, you're not kidding. 461 00:18:21,805 --> 00:18:23,843 I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's 462 00:18:23,857 --> 00:18:25,562 had never even told him he had a kid. 463 00:18:25,567 --> 00:18:26,501 Well, wait a minute, Peter. 464 00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:27,552 Maybe that's the answer. 465 00:18:27,557 --> 00:18:29,461 You just gotta get his mother take him back. 466 00:18:29,466 --> 00:18:31,071 How the hell am I supposed to do that? 467 00:18:31,085 --> 00:18:32,590 She's an idiot redneck, Peter. 468 00:18:32,635 --> 00:18:34,391 Tricking her should be easier than 469 00:18:34,396 --> 00:18:36,053 escaping from Canadian Alcatraz. 470 00:18:37,068 --> 00:18:38,291 Can I go through here? 471 00:18:38,305 --> 00:18:39,790 Just be back by bedtime. 472 00:18:39,796 --> 00:18:40,560 Okay. 473 00:18:45,285 --> 00:18:46,893 Lunch is ready, everyone. 474 00:18:47,606 --> 00:18:49,082 Whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa. Lois, Lois. 475 00:18:49,125 --> 00:18:50,303 This is, this is white bread. 476 00:18:50,307 --> 00:18:51,122 Yeah. So? 477 00:18:51,127 --> 00:18:53,113 Well, don't we have any of that whole-grain stuff? 478 00:18:53,117 --> 00:18:54,451 No. This was cheaper. 479 00:18:54,457 --> 00:18:57,241 I just, I just, I don't want Dylan eating white bread. 480 00:18:57,247 --> 00:18:59,893 Brian, there's nothing wrong with it. 481 00:18:59,926 --> 00:19:01,441 Lois, Lois, I do not want 482 00:19:01,446 --> 00:19:02,951 Dylan eating white bread. 483 00:19:02,955 --> 00:19:04,682 Brian, I promise you, it's fine. 484 00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:08,570 Lois. Lois, Lois I will decide what is best for my child, all right? 485 00:19:08,575 --> 00:19:09,893 Look, will you take it easy? 486 00:19:09,895 --> 00:19:11,711 And, and, I do not want to have 487 00:19:11,716 --> 00:19:13,892 this conversation in front of my son. 488 00:19:13,897 --> 00:19:15,983 Okay, you know what? That's it, Brian. 489 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,210 Feed him whatever you want. 490 00:19:17,215 --> 00:19:18,232 Tell, tell you what. 491 00:19:18,237 --> 00:19:19,562 Go up to my jewelry box, 492 00:19:19,568 --> 00:19:20,722 take my gold jewelry. 493 00:19:20,725 --> 00:19:22,551 Melt it down. Make it into bread 494 00:19:22,555 --> 00:19:23,502 and feed him that. 495 00:19:23,507 --> 00:19:24,451 That good enough? 496 00:19:24,457 --> 00:19:26,672 Gold bread good enough for your Dylan?! 497 00:19:27,206 --> 00:19:28,662 Hey, everybody! 498 00:19:28,666 --> 00:19:30,961 Look at who's back to pick up her son. 499 00:19:30,965 --> 00:19:32,860 This isn't The Price is Right. 500 00:19:32,875 --> 00:19:35,451 You said we were going to The Price is Right. 501 00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:36,770 Peter. What the hell is this? 502 00:19:36,778 --> 00:19:38,353 Mom. What are you doing here? 503 00:19:38,397 --> 00:19:39,930 Tracy wants Dylan back. 504 00:19:39,975 --> 00:19:41,710 Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy? 505 00:19:42,798 --> 00:19:44,782 What a joyous family reunion. 506 00:19:44,788 --> 00:19:46,101 Isn't this great, Brian? 507 00:19:46,116 --> 00:19:47,781 Now Dylan can go back with his mom, 508 00:19:47,786 --> 00:19:49,120 and you can stop acting like 509 00:19:49,128 --> 00:19:50,132 such a jackass. 510 00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:51,900 So that's what this is all about, huh? 511 00:19:51,906 --> 00:19:54,031 I must say, you have been a little 512 00:19:54,037 --> 00:19:55,731 insufferable lately, Brian. 513 00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:57,912 We just want the old you back, that's all. 514 00:19:57,917 --> 00:19:59,623 Look. All right. Okay, maybe I have 515 00:19:59,626 --> 00:20:01,653 been acting different lately, all right? 516 00:20:01,858 --> 00:20:03,262 But that's only because I've truly 517 00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:04,461 connected with the one bit of 518 00:20:04,467 --> 00:20:07,252 flesh and blood that I have on this earth. 519 00:20:07,255 --> 00:20:09,713 And I have no intention of giving that up. 520 00:20:10,657 --> 00:20:12,290 Who wants a half-and-half? 521 00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:13,840 Oh, I'll throw my hat into that ring. 522 00:20:13,885 --> 00:20:14,980 Wait a minute, Dad. 523 00:20:15,185 --> 00:20:17,091 I think maybe I should go with her. 524 00:20:17,138 --> 00:20:19,262 What? Dylan, why? 525 00:20:19,267 --> 00:20:21,193 Look at her. She needs me- 526 00:20:21,396 --> 00:20:22,760 a lot more than you do. 527 00:20:22,766 --> 00:20:25,701 But we were just starting to make a real connection. 528 00:20:25,706 --> 00:20:26,130 Listen. 529 00:20:26,175 --> 00:20:28,082 I'll always be grateful to you for 530 00:20:28,086 --> 00:20:29,600 turning my life around, but 531 00:20:29,608 --> 00:20:31,270 now, thanks to you, I finally 532 00:20:31,275 --> 00:20:32,773 have a chance to transform 533 00:20:32,818 --> 00:20:34,630 my mom's life in the same way 534 00:20:34,636 --> 00:20:35,953 you transformed mine. 535 00:20:37,727 --> 00:20:39,602 You know, I guess a dad couldn't 536 00:20:39,605 --> 00:20:40,950 ask for more than that. 537 00:20:41,575 --> 00:20:43,010 I'm proud of you, Dylan. 538 00:20:43,688 --> 00:20:44,952 My life will never be the 539 00:20:44,957 --> 00:20:46,021 same for knowing you. 540 00:20:46,556 --> 00:20:47,892 Good-bye and... 541 00:20:48,516 --> 00:20:49,442 good luck. 542 00:20:49,515 --> 00:20:50,532 Good-bye, Dad. 543 00:20:52,958 --> 00:20:54,770 Come on, Mom. Let's go. 544 00:20:56,165 --> 00:20:57,323 Bye. Thanks for coming. 545 00:21:01,575 --> 00:21:03,080 I'm gonna miss that boy. 546 00:21:04,825 --> 00:21:06,651 You know, I just finally figured it out. 547 00:21:06,656 --> 00:21:09,091 She looks like a really hot Tim Russert. 548 00:21:09,538 --> 00:21:10,172 Right? 549 00:21:10,745 --> 00:21:12,271 - Right? - Yes.