1 00:00:01,618 --> 00:00:05,229 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:05,247 --> 00:00:08,398 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,417 --> 00:00:11,826 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:14,829 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:18,425 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:21,745 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,747 --> 00:00:23,022 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,173 --> 00:00:24,639 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:30,320 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:37,703 Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. 11 00:00:37,854 --> 00:00:39,112 Please don't adjust your sets. 12 00:00:39,265 --> 00:00:40,855 I've been sneezing all over the camera. 13 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:43,784 That's right. The flu epidemic has officially hit Quahog. 14 00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:45,711 So, for the rest of tonight's broadcast, 15 00:00:45,862 --> 00:00:48,622 my mommy will be spoon-feeding me chicken soup. 16 00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,549 -Mommy. -Tommy. 17 00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:52,867 Hey, guys, I brought a sneeze home from school. 18 00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:54,386 You want to see it? 19 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,870 Ah-ah... 20 00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:59,558 (distorted): No...! 21 00:00:59,751 --> 00:01:02,394 ...choo! 22 00:01:04,923 --> 00:01:07,399 -♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ -("Ode to My Family" by The Cranberries playing) 23 00:01:07,592 --> 00:01:09,960 ♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ 24 00:01:09,978 --> 00:01:12,404 ♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ 25 00:01:12,597 --> 00:01:15,741 ♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ 26 00:01:15,934 --> 00:01:17,910 ♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ 27 00:01:18,103 --> 00:01:20,320 ♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ 28 00:01:20,456 --> 00:01:22,397 ♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ 29 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:25,584 ♪ Do, do, do, do. ♪ 30 00:01:25,777 --> 00:01:27,711 ♪ 31 00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:33,074 (music stops) 32 00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:34,835 (groaning) 33 00:01:34,987 --> 00:01:35,819 (sneezes) 34 00:01:36,088 --> 00:01:38,322 Damn it, who's secretly an X-Man? 35 00:01:38,423 --> 00:01:40,766 You know, I'm actually starting to not feel well. 36 00:01:40,959 --> 00:01:43,602 Oh, boy. Guess we better line it up for butt temps. 37 00:01:43,795 --> 00:01:45,753 I'll go first and third. 38 00:01:45,815 --> 00:01:47,347 Peter, you look okay. Would you mind going out 39 00:01:47,499 --> 00:01:48,774 and grabbing some medicine? 40 00:01:48,925 --> 00:01:51,443 Okay, but if I get a DUI, it's your fault. 41 00:01:51,636 --> 00:01:52,669 You're drunk? 42 00:01:52,729 --> 00:01:54,571 It's after dinner! 43 00:02:04,741 --> 00:02:05,874 (shuts off engine) 44 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,044 Where is everybody? 45 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,374 Hmm. 46 00:02:14,526 --> 00:02:15,950 ♪ Glass of cold lemonade ♪ 47 00:02:16,286 --> 00:02:18,303 ("Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole playing) 48 00:02:18,496 --> 00:02:20,788 ♪ I will do the laundry ♪ 49 00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:24,977 ♪ If you pay all the bills ♪ 50 00:02:25,170 --> 00:02:28,814 ♪ Where is my John Wayne? ♪ 51 00:02:29,007 --> 00:02:32,651 ♪ Where is my prairie song? ♪ 52 00:02:32,844 --> 00:02:35,912 ♪ Where is my happy ending? ♪ 53 00:02:35,939 --> 00:02:38,548 ♪ Where have all the cowboys gone? ♪ 54 00:02:38,609 --> 00:02:41,385 (sighs) Damn it, I give up. 55 00:02:41,486 --> 00:02:43,478 ♪ 56 00:02:43,539 --> 00:02:44,979 Paula Cole! 57 00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:47,015 Oh, I hate her. I should've known that. 58 00:02:47,084 --> 00:02:48,483 ♪ Why don't you stay... ♪ 59 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,003 (crickets chirping) 60 00:02:51,196 --> 00:02:52,820 Two outs, bottom of the ninth, 61 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,822 man on second, Red Sox down by a run. 62 00:02:54,884 --> 00:02:56,675 Peter Griffin down to his last strike. 63 00:02:56,826 --> 00:02:57,901 Here comes the pitch. 64 00:02:57,961 --> 00:02:59,903 Strike three, and he knew it. 65 00:02:59,963 --> 00:03:01,905 Didn't even get the bat off his shoulder. 66 00:03:01,924 --> 00:03:05,242 Griffin will almost certainly be sent down to Triple-A Pawtucket. 67 00:03:05,260 --> 00:03:07,077 Strike three, and he knew it. 68 00:03:07,137 --> 00:03:10,338 Griffin will almost certainly be sent to Double-A Bristol. 69 00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:12,265 Strike three, and he knew it. 70 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,584 Griffin will certainly be sent to the dirt field 71 00:03:14,645 --> 00:03:16,086 where they filmed The Sandlot. 72 00:03:16,188 --> 00:03:18,179 Strike three, and he knew it. 73 00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:21,425 Mr. Griffin, maybe it's time to try a different sport. 74 00:03:21,443 --> 00:03:22,701 (shoes squeaking) 75 00:03:22,852 --> 00:03:24,352 Five seconds left, Celtics down by one. 76 00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:25,704 Griffin with a clear line to the basket. 77 00:03:25,855 --> 00:03:28,373 Off his foot and out of bounds! 78 00:03:34,757 --> 00:03:36,773 (dog panting) 79 00:03:36,833 --> 00:03:37,883 Stay. 80 00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,701 Sorry, I couldn't find a sitter. 81 00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:42,387 So, I ran some tests and it's official: 82 00:03:42,539 --> 00:03:43,780 you all have the flu. 83 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,724 But luckily you got here in time. 84 00:03:45,875 --> 00:03:47,392 Doc, this is very important. 85 00:03:47,585 --> 00:03:49,786 How long before she can make dinner again? 86 00:03:49,805 --> 00:03:51,396 I only know how to make eggs. 87 00:03:51,589 --> 00:03:53,457 Oh, don't worry. Everyone should make a full recovery 88 00:03:53,517 --> 00:03:54,882 in a couple of days. 89 00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:57,051 Okay, good. I can egg my way through that. 90 00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:59,053 I actually wanted to talk to you, Peter. 91 00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,481 It's very rare that someone would be around 92 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,817 so many infected people and not get sick themselves. 93 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,410 So I went ahead and tested you 94 00:04:05,603 --> 00:04:06,912 and I found something very interesting. 95 00:04:07,105 --> 00:04:08,247 (dog whimpering) 96 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,398 Sadie, quiet. I'm right here. 97 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,567 Rescues. Not worth it. 98 00:04:12,628 --> 00:04:14,811 Peter, you appear to have a very strong immune system. 99 00:04:14,830 --> 00:04:15,812 Kegels. 100 00:04:15,831 --> 00:04:17,089 -What? -I don't know. 101 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:19,758 Anyway, this flu season has decimated the hospital, 102 00:04:19,951 --> 00:04:21,576 and we're severely short-staffed. 103 00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:23,653 How would you like to be a male nurse? 104 00:04:23,755 --> 00:04:25,989 Do I get to wear those green pajama clothes all day? 105 00:04:26,091 --> 00:04:27,824 -Yes. -I'll do it! 106 00:04:27,884 --> 00:04:29,768 Wow. I've never helped anyone before. 107 00:04:29,961 --> 00:04:32,662 Well, except for that time I picked the last piece of bread. 108 00:04:32,723 --> 00:04:34,848 Whoa. You picked me. 109 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,683 I've been skipped and flipped 110 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,351 and reached over so many times, 111 00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:39,853 I wasn't sure I'd ever get out. 112 00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,521 So, what are you gonna put on me? 113 00:04:41,657 --> 00:04:43,282 Jelly? Cream cheese? 114 00:04:43,433 --> 00:04:44,691 Maybe some nut butters? 115 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,860 Actually, I'm just using you to squish a spider. 116 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:47,953 Aw. 117 00:04:48,146 --> 00:04:49,955 Yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck. 118 00:04:50,148 --> 00:04:52,082 (birds chirping) 119 00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:57,687 You know, last week's flu scare got me thinking. 120 00:04:57,748 --> 00:04:59,781 I don't know anything about my genetic makeup 121 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,949 or what other illnesses I might be susceptible to. 122 00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:04,210 You know who'd love this story? Chris. 123 00:05:04,363 --> 00:05:07,306 So, it made me want to do a 23andMe genetic test. 124 00:05:07,457 --> 00:05:09,533 -Chris! -It says I'm predisposed 125 00:05:09,593 --> 00:05:10,792 to like caffeine. 126 00:05:10,853 --> 00:05:12,627 So true, so true. 127 00:05:12,688 --> 00:05:14,538 I can't even function without my caff. 128 00:05:14,598 --> 00:05:15,797 I get all grr. 129 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,207 How many more of these are there? 130 00:05:17,225 --> 00:05:18,817 Whew, don't have the Alzheimer's gene. 131 00:05:19,010 --> 00:05:20,877 That's good. 132 00:05:20,896 --> 00:05:22,470 And it says I don't have the Alzheimer's gene, 133 00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:23,730 so that's good. 134 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:24,823 Hmm. 135 00:05:25,016 --> 00:05:25,915 Wait, what was that? 136 00:05:25,984 --> 00:05:27,409 It was nothing. 137 00:05:28,445 --> 00:05:29,828 Oh, my God. Brian. 138 00:05:30,021 --> 00:05:32,456 You're one percent cat! 139 00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:34,666 And part Black. 140 00:05:34,859 --> 00:05:36,501 -What?! -Whoa! 141 00:05:36,653 --> 00:05:38,003 I was just kidding about the Black thing. 142 00:05:38,154 --> 00:05:39,921 That was a test and you... (blows raspberry) 143 00:05:47,056 --> 00:05:48,254 Morning, family. 144 00:05:48,407 --> 00:05:49,906 I need breakfast stat. 145 00:05:49,925 --> 00:05:51,683 Are you excited for your first day as a nurse, Dad? 146 00:05:51,876 --> 00:05:53,000 I am. Thanks, Mug. 147 00:05:53,062 --> 00:05:54,019 Meg. 148 00:05:54,212 --> 00:05:56,413 M-Mug... 149 00:05:56,473 --> 00:05:58,506 So, how's this gonna work, Dad? 150 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,007 You don't know anything about medicine. 151 00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:01,918 Oh, there's a lot more to being a nurse 152 00:06:01,937 --> 00:06:03,436 than medical mumbo jumbo. 153 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:05,847 For example, what's the next holiday? 154 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:06,940 Memorial Day. 155 00:06:07,092 --> 00:06:08,683 -The next one. -Fourth of July. 156 00:06:08,744 --> 00:06:10,610 -Say "Christmas." -Christmas. 157 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:11,853 -(bell jingles) -Eh? 158 00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,279 That's good nursing. 159 00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:14,873 Yeah, I agree with Chris. 160 00:06:15,024 --> 00:06:16,783 I don't think you have the makeup to be a nurse. 161 00:06:16,919 --> 00:06:18,710 -You're impatient... -Are you done? 162 00:06:18,862 --> 00:06:20,103 ...and you faint when you see blood. 163 00:06:20,122 --> 00:06:22,631 I got over that. Pass the ketchup. 164 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:27,794 "Oh, don't buy a fainting couch, Stewie. 165 00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:31,056 No one in this house is gonna need a fainting couch, Stewie." 166 00:06:35,587 --> 00:06:37,020 Hey, Stewie. 167 00:06:39,424 --> 00:06:40,457 What was that? 168 00:06:40,475 --> 00:06:41,883 Was that a cat stretch? 169 00:06:41,944 --> 00:06:43,402 Oh, my God, is that what that looks like? 170 00:06:43,553 --> 00:06:44,719 I mean, you said it. 171 00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:47,054 I guess that DNA report was right on the money. 172 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,448 Nature over nurture. 173 00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:50,984 (purring) 174 00:06:51,136 --> 00:06:52,727 What are you-- Are you purring? 175 00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:54,487 Do you really think you're a cat? 176 00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:56,581 Yeah. No, I-- I don't know. 177 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,250 Okay? I-I just feel different. 178 00:06:58,419 --> 00:06:59,418 I don't care what that report said. 179 00:06:59,569 --> 00:07:00,902 You're not a cat. 180 00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:03,663 You're what's called a pretentious absorber. 181 00:07:03,815 --> 00:07:06,073 -What's that? -You remember how Madonna lived in London 182 00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:07,984 for, like, a month and then started talking 183 00:07:08,086 --> 00:07:09,261 with a British accent? 184 00:07:09,454 --> 00:07:10,503 It's that. 185 00:07:10,656 --> 00:07:11,746 If I weren't a cat, 186 00:07:12,007 --> 00:07:13,990 would I be obsessed with this scratch post? 187 00:07:14,050 --> 00:07:15,508 That's not a scratch post. 188 00:07:15,661 --> 00:07:17,494 That's Meg's leg. 189 00:07:17,554 --> 00:07:19,855 (intensely): Don't stop. 190 00:07:24,002 --> 00:07:25,852 Peter, welcome to your first day. 191 00:07:25,988 --> 00:07:28,021 Doc, this may sound silly, but... 192 00:07:28,173 --> 00:07:30,006 (Southern accent): what do I do? 193 00:07:30,066 --> 00:07:31,783 As a nurse, it's important to know 194 00:07:31,935 --> 00:07:33,785 how every department in a hospital works. 195 00:07:33,978 --> 00:07:36,696 So today I need you to observe surgery. 196 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:37,864 (monitor beeping steadily) 197 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,774 PETER: Boo! 198 00:07:39,910 --> 00:07:43,545 Boo! My sister can attach ventricles better than you! 199 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:45,855 (chanting): He's not Jewish! 200 00:07:45,916 --> 00:07:47,357 (clapping rhythmically) 201 00:07:47,417 --> 00:07:48,525 Come on, everybody! 202 00:07:48,543 --> 00:07:50,051 He's not Jewish! 203 00:07:56,201 --> 00:07:57,792 Peter? What are you doing here? 204 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:58,885 I'm your nurse. 205 00:07:59,170 --> 00:08:02,463 So, what brings you in today, Mr.... 206 00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:04,708 -Quagmire? -Look, I-I don't really feel comfortable 207 00:08:04,726 --> 00:08:07,377 sharing my health problems with one of my buddies. 208 00:08:07,437 --> 00:08:08,520 Can I get a different nurse? 209 00:08:08,672 --> 00:08:09,988 You're in a hospital, Glenn. 210 00:08:10,139 --> 00:08:12,081 Anything you say is private and confidential 211 00:08:12,150 --> 00:08:14,475 -and legally protected by HIPAA... -Don't say it. 212 00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:15,476 ...potamus. 213 00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:16,995 What's said here stays here. 214 00:08:17,146 --> 00:08:19,313 -So, what's your problem? -(sighs) 215 00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:21,725 Okay. So, I was at home watching Mrs. Fletcher. 216 00:08:21,743 --> 00:08:23,985 -Mm-hmm. -It's a pretty sexually driven show, 217 00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:26,654 -and it kinda gets me going. -Right, right. -(keys clacking, message sends) 218 00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,581 -(clacking) -So, I'm pretty revved up and I decide to... 219 00:08:28,734 --> 00:08:30,175 -you know. -Sure. -(message sends) 220 00:08:30,585 --> 00:08:30,967 -(phone chiming) -And I don't have a prayer of finishing 221 00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:34,513 -Like, weird notches. -Uh-huh. 222 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:37,407 -So I look over at my side table and I see the Apple TV remote -(chiming) 223 00:08:37,425 --> 00:08:39,576 -and I think, "Well, that could work." -Right. 224 00:08:39,594 --> 00:08:41,928 -(clacking, sending) -Before I know it, I've got six Apple TV remotes 225 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:43,913 -taped together and my foot behind my head. -Got it. 226 00:08:43,974 --> 00:08:45,932 And just as I get everything... you know... 227 00:08:46,084 --> 00:08:47,917 -(rapid chiming) -'Kay. -...Mrs. Fletcher ends 228 00:08:47,936 --> 00:08:49,936 -and Watchmen starts, which scares me... -Mm. Wow. 229 00:08:50,088 --> 00:08:52,438 ...but now it's too late because everything's... you know. 230 00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:54,032 -Oh, my stars. -(phone buzzes) 231 00:08:54,183 --> 00:08:56,076 Uh, hold on a second. I got a text. 232 00:09:07,030 --> 00:09:08,621 -What do we got? -Suspected heart attack. 233 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,106 He's not breathing. No pulse. 234 00:09:10,166 --> 00:09:11,883 I can save him, but we got to move fast. 235 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,535 Give me 20cc's of Music Factory. 236 00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:15,554 Clear! 237 00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,556 ♪ Everybody dance now! ♪ 238 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,040 Again! Clear! 239 00:09:19,101 --> 00:09:21,226 ♪ Everybody dance now! ♪ 240 00:09:21,377 --> 00:09:22,410 Clear! 241 00:09:22,412 --> 00:09:24,120 ♪ Everybody dance now! ♪ 242 00:09:24,180 --> 00:09:26,356 (beeping to the rhythm of "Everybody Dance Now") 243 00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:30,051 You did it! Great work. 244 00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:31,403 Don't thank me. 245 00:09:31,596 --> 00:09:33,405 Thank silly '90s songs. 246 00:09:33,556 --> 00:09:34,631 What do we got? 247 00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:36,149 Head injury. He got knocked down. 248 00:09:36,301 --> 00:09:37,467 We'll get him up again. 249 00:09:37,527 --> 00:09:38,985 I need two milligrams of Chumba 250 00:09:39,137 --> 00:09:40,537 and one of Wamba! 251 00:09:48,446 --> 00:09:49,421 Oh, hey, Brian. 252 00:09:49,614 --> 00:09:50,589 You want to come up? 253 00:09:50,782 --> 00:09:51,923 Come on up. 254 00:09:52,116 --> 00:09:53,650 Come on up. Come on. 255 00:09:53,752 --> 00:09:55,594 Right here. Jump up. 256 00:09:55,745 --> 00:09:56,986 Pss, pss, pss. (clicking tongue) 257 00:09:57,088 --> 00:09:58,579 Jump up. (smooching) 258 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,340 Come on. There's a spot right here. 259 00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:01,991 Come on up. Be a friend. 260 00:10:02,052 --> 00:10:03,417 Just jump up. 261 00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,011 I know you want to come up here. 262 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,921 Jump the hell up here, you dope. 263 00:10:06,982 --> 00:10:09,015 I demand that you jump up here and be a companion. 264 00:10:09,151 --> 00:10:11,501 Be a companion! Get up here! 265 00:10:11,561 --> 00:10:12,335 Mommy? 266 00:10:12,354 --> 00:10:13,853 All right. 267 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,522 Now I'm gonna scratch your forehead for a while, 268 00:10:16,675 --> 00:10:18,283 so don't seem like you like it at first, 269 00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:20,952 then suddenly bite my hand for no reason. 270 00:10:27,077 --> 00:10:29,044 (purring) 271 00:10:33,991 --> 00:10:35,991 Ow! That's it. I'm gonna go online 272 00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:38,637 and buy you a $70 toy you'll hate. 273 00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:45,685 Enjoy your soup, old man whose butt is out. 274 00:10:47,597 --> 00:10:49,648 (gasps) You! 275 00:10:49,841 --> 00:10:51,524 ♪ 276 00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,972 (coughs) 277 00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,991 Geez, what's wrong with you? We usually start fighting. 278 00:11:00,184 --> 00:11:01,718 I'm dying, Peter. 279 00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:03,386 Oh. 280 00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:04,829 Let me close your privacy curtains 281 00:11:04,981 --> 00:11:06,890 to make you more comfortable. 282 00:11:06,991 --> 00:11:09,726 (prolonged flatulence) 283 00:11:09,786 --> 00:11:11,086 That feel better? 284 00:11:18,962 --> 00:11:21,846 I'm sorry, Dr. Hartman, but I can't help this patient. 285 00:11:21,998 --> 00:11:23,515 We're really big rivals. 286 00:11:23,708 --> 00:11:25,684 Peter, if I only helped people I liked, 287 00:11:25,835 --> 00:11:27,686 everyone in this hospital would be dead. 288 00:11:27,879 --> 00:11:29,762 Just do what I do-- help them out, 289 00:11:29,915 --> 00:11:32,582 then angry Footloose dance-out your frustrations. 290 00:11:32,684 --> 00:11:35,268 WOMAN (over P.A.): Dr. Hartman, please report to Cardiology. 291 00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,086 -Dr. Hartman. -I got to go. 292 00:11:37,188 --> 00:11:39,155 ♪ 293 00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,944 (wheezes, coughs) 294 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:47,764 This must make you pretty happy. (coughs) 295 00:11:47,824 --> 00:11:49,449 Seeing me like this. 296 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,284 I took too much ecstasy in my 20s, 297 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:52,952 so nothing makes me happy anymore. 298 00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:55,438 -What's wrong with you anyway? -Bird flu. 299 00:11:55,498 --> 00:11:56,881 But there's a vaccine for that. 300 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,050 Yeah, loaded with... (coughs) 301 00:11:59,202 --> 00:12:01,035 mercury and antifreeze. (coughs) 302 00:12:01,096 --> 00:12:02,870 No... thank you. 303 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,782 Ah, I knew I hated you for a good reason. 304 00:12:05,842 --> 00:12:07,951 This is probably for the best anyway. 305 00:12:08,011 --> 00:12:09,894 There's nothing left for me in this world. 306 00:12:10,087 --> 00:12:12,564 I lost my job, I lost my house, 307 00:12:12,757 --> 00:12:14,958 my wife left me for a bigger cock. 308 00:12:14,976 --> 00:12:17,310 -Cocks are chickens. -I'm better off dead. 309 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,404 Oh, that's sad. I agree. 310 00:12:19,555 --> 00:12:20,888 I guess that means I win, huh? 311 00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:22,815 I guess so. 312 00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:26,060 After all these years, who thought it would end like this? 313 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,987 Yeah, it's, uh, kind of anticlimactic. 314 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,914 I always thought it would end with me 315 00:12:30,107 --> 00:12:31,916 -eating you for Thanksgiving. -Eating you for Thanksgiving? 316 00:12:32,068 --> 00:12:34,068 Wait. Birds eat people on Thanksgiving? 317 00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:36,755 -Yeah. -Huh. Cool. 318 00:12:36,948 --> 00:12:39,573 Well, a win's a win, even if it's like this. 319 00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:41,075 And it's too bad. I had an awesome line 320 00:12:41,136 --> 00:12:43,077 I was gonna say when I finally beat you. 321 00:12:43,138 --> 00:12:44,821 Oh, yeah? What was it? 322 00:12:44,923 --> 00:12:46,413 (chuckling): Oh, it was a good one. 323 00:12:46,475 --> 00:12:48,475 Say it. 324 00:12:53,890 --> 00:12:55,607 I got to go. 325 00:12:55,758 --> 00:12:58,835 You get five minutes to say goodbye to your father. 326 00:12:58,895 --> 00:13:00,427 Sup, Ernie? 327 00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,906 Holy moly, that's a huge cock. 328 00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:10,863 Chris, no footsy under the table. 329 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:12,457 It's disturbing. 330 00:13:12,608 --> 00:13:13,699 Good evening, family. 331 00:13:13,794 --> 00:13:14,867 Champagne? 332 00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:16,519 Maybe open that facing... 333 00:13:16,538 --> 00:13:19,022 -(yowls) -Ah, (bleep). My eye! 334 00:13:19,082 --> 00:13:20,690 What are we celebrating? 335 00:13:20,708 --> 00:13:22,283 Is our IRS audit finally over? 336 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,968 Oh, we wish. 337 00:13:24,161 --> 00:13:26,879 Also, we have to put a desk in the garage and the attic. 338 00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:28,865 Every room needs a desk. 339 00:13:28,883 --> 00:13:30,958 Our house has to be more office than living space. 340 00:13:31,019 --> 00:13:33,812 Anyway, this champagne is to celebrate my victory 341 00:13:34,005 --> 00:13:35,629 over the Giant Chicken. 342 00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,798 I saw him at the hospital today. 343 00:13:37,818 --> 00:13:39,984 He's dying, which means our great feud is finally over, 344 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,878 and I won. 345 00:13:41,938 --> 00:13:43,804 -What feud? -Wait. 346 00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:46,215 -Peter and the Giant Chicken? -Who? 347 00:13:46,234 --> 00:13:48,827 The Giant Chicken. Come on. Everybody knows we have a feud. 348 00:13:49,020 --> 00:13:50,887 It's like Bart and Sideshow Bob. 349 00:13:50,989 --> 00:13:54,499 Ooh! I love the Bart and Sideshow Bob feud! 350 00:13:54,692 --> 00:13:56,984 Multiple episodes over multiple seasons. 351 00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:59,671 An ongoing story line with a classic guest star 352 00:13:59,864 --> 00:14:01,898 played by television legend Kelsey Grammer. 353 00:14:01,958 --> 00:14:03,583 Giant Chicken is classic! 354 00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:05,902 -Who plays him? -Danny Smith. 355 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,421 -Who? -Danny Smith. 356 00:14:08,557 --> 00:14:10,756 Any-Anyway, I won. Another bottle? 357 00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,666 -You're the only one... -(yowls) 358 00:14:12,727 --> 00:14:14,185 (bleep)! My eye! 359 00:14:14,337 --> 00:14:15,912 The Giant Chicken is really dying? 360 00:14:15,972 --> 00:14:17,838 A-Aren't you gonna help him? You're a nurse. 361 00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:19,749 -You took an oath. -Actually, I didn't. 362 00:14:19,809 --> 00:14:22,435 I don't get paid, and they don't even validate my parking. 363 00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,420 What about a GoFundMe? 364 00:14:24,522 --> 00:14:27,348 We're white people. That seems like the natural response. 365 00:14:27,409 --> 00:14:29,442 No, Lois. I'm not helping him. He's my enemy. 366 00:14:29,594 --> 00:14:31,018 He gave me a bad coupon 367 00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:33,779 in what online idiots say was our best season. 368 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,856 Unforgivable, and I say, good riddance. 369 00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:37,283 Another bottle? 370 00:14:37,419 --> 00:14:39,102 -Oh, that's me. -(yowling) 371 00:14:39,162 --> 00:14:40,953 -You dick! -(yowling) 372 00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:42,788 You need him, Peter. 373 00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,865 Everyone needs a rival. 374 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:47,460 Wilt had Russell, Bird had Magic, 375 00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,220 LeBron has his hairline. 376 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,796 Oh, basketball? 377 00:14:50,949 --> 00:14:53,374 I know hair-related sports things. 378 00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:57,470 Hate is the most important emotion in life next to love. 379 00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,732 When you have someone to hate, you have something to live for, 380 00:15:00,925 --> 00:15:02,959 someone to beat at something. 381 00:15:02,977 --> 00:15:07,054 I have blue Subaru 8CXX475. 382 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,574 It stole my spot in a Target parking lot 383 00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:12,135 on Black Friday three years ago, 384 00:15:12,153 --> 00:15:15,655 and I've carried a D battery in my pocket every day since. 385 00:15:15,807 --> 00:15:18,065 This is either gonna break a windshield, teeth, 386 00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:19,900 or in a perfect world, both. 387 00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:21,419 And the thought of that car 388 00:15:21,612 --> 00:15:24,255 somewhere out there gets me up every morning. 389 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,983 Vengeance is a powerful alarm clock. 390 00:15:27,085 --> 00:15:28,760 If the Giant Chicken dies, 391 00:15:28,953 --> 00:15:31,504 a part of you dies, too, Peter! 392 00:15:31,656 --> 00:15:32,989 And you're gonna be searching for something 393 00:15:33,007 --> 00:15:36,083 to fill that void the rest of your life! 394 00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:37,918 That's good, Lois, but I'm not helping him. 395 00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:40,012 -Helping who? -The Giant Chicken. 396 00:15:40,165 --> 00:15:43,524 (mouth full): Oh, yeah, your big rival. 397 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:47,654 Aah! It was my turn. 398 00:15:50,566 --> 00:15:54,619 Now to curl up on a warm car hood with a book on tape. 399 00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,621 MORGAN FREEMAN: Garfield Tips the Scales 400 00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,957 as read by Morgan Freeman. 401 00:15:59,150 --> 00:16:01,851 "How did you like your lunch, Garfield?" 402 00:16:01,911 --> 00:16:05,688 "Burp, burp. I give it two burps." 403 00:16:05,748 --> 00:16:07,448 (laughs) 404 00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:09,116 Hey, what the hell are you doing? 405 00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:10,969 Oh. Hey, Quagmire. What, you haven't heard? 406 00:16:11,162 --> 00:16:12,862 I found out I'm a cat. 407 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:15,031 So, I guess you and I are cool. 408 00:16:15,091 --> 00:16:17,200 (laughs) I don't care what you did 409 00:16:17,218 --> 00:16:18,810 to convince yourself that you're a cat. 410 00:16:19,003 --> 00:16:20,536 You're not a cat, Brian. 411 00:16:20,555 --> 00:16:22,963 I think my genetic makeup would disagree. 412 00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:25,057 Okay, Brian, if you're really a cat, 413 00:16:25,210 --> 00:16:26,651 prove it by jumping off your roof. 414 00:16:26,844 --> 00:16:28,653 If you land on your feet, safe and sound, 415 00:16:28,804 --> 00:16:30,379 I'll agree that you're a cat. 416 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:31,881 That's it? Just jump? 417 00:16:31,941 --> 00:16:33,324 Done. 418 00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:37,870 ♪ Blame it on my ADD, baby ♪ 419 00:16:39,708 --> 00:16:41,791 ♪ Sail... ♪ 420 00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:47,088 Not a cat. 421 00:16:53,571 --> 00:16:55,555 (coughing) 422 00:16:56,966 --> 00:16:58,850 Nope. 423 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,479 ♪ 424 00:17:09,854 --> 00:17:12,012 (laughs) 425 00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:14,615 ♪ 426 00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:31,215 Ah. (laughs) 427 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,384 I'm dying. 428 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,869 You need him, Peter. 429 00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:37,555 I haven't been home in years. 430 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,223 Oh, my God. 431 00:17:39,416 --> 00:17:42,894 Lois was right. I have to help him. 432 00:17:43,045 --> 00:17:45,980 -(horns honking) -Aah! I pushed too far. 433 00:17:49,093 --> 00:17:51,736 Hey, Bri, sorry that roof jump didn't work out. 434 00:17:51,929 --> 00:17:53,554 I guess you were right about me. 435 00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:55,481 I'm just a nobody dog. 436 00:17:55,633 --> 00:17:56,741 Well, since you're going to be laid up, 437 00:17:56,934 --> 00:17:58,409 I got you another book on tape: 438 00:17:58,602 --> 00:18:01,487 Marmaduke as read by Benicio Del Toro. 439 00:18:02,740 --> 00:18:04,064 BENICIO DEL TORO: "Marmaduke, get out of that bathtub. 440 00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:05,750 You look like a (bleep) idiot." 441 00:18:05,943 --> 00:18:07,752 Please take this off my head. 442 00:18:07,945 --> 00:18:09,403 Anyway, I just wanted to say 443 00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:10,904 that you shouldn't need a DNA report 444 00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:13,073 to know who you really are on the inside, 445 00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:15,668 so I printed out a new report for you-- 446 00:18:15,820 --> 00:18:18,821 a Brian report, and here are the results. 447 00:18:18,923 --> 00:18:21,599 You're 30% beagle, 20% hound, 448 00:18:21,792 --> 00:18:25,586 15% terrible writer, 18% alcoholic, 449 00:18:25,647 --> 00:18:27,997 ten percent Snoopy and... 450 00:18:28,057 --> 00:18:30,399 two percent great guy. 451 00:18:32,970 --> 00:18:34,520 Thanks, Stewie. 452 00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:37,573 I'm ready for another Vicodin and peanut butter now. 453 00:18:40,903 --> 00:18:43,037 (beeping slowly) 454 00:18:47,076 --> 00:18:49,352 (monitor flatlines) 455 00:18:49,412 --> 00:18:52,521 Time of death: Bob. 456 00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:54,615 -8:08. -I know numbers! 457 00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:58,027 It's just been revoked. 458 00:18:58,087 --> 00:19:00,546 I think he uses that wrong a lot. 459 00:19:00,698 --> 00:19:02,974 Come on! You got to live, damn it! I need you! 460 00:19:03,167 --> 00:19:05,959 You do have something to live for: me! 461 00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:07,887 You hate me, remember? 462 00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:09,963 Remember! 463 00:19:10,024 --> 00:19:11,540 -(blows landing) -Aren't you gonna do something? 464 00:19:11,601 --> 00:19:12,966 He's punching a dead patient. 465 00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:14,652 Oh, yeah. You're right. 466 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,654 Good idea number 47: 467 00:19:16,805 --> 00:19:19,448 Fight Club, but with hospital people. 468 00:19:22,987 --> 00:19:24,387 (gasps) 469 00:19:24,447 --> 00:19:27,481 (beeping slowly) 470 00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:29,058 You... 471 00:19:29,076 --> 00:19:31,485 ♪ 472 00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:33,987 ...saved me? Why? 473 00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:35,731 Because I hate you. 474 00:19:35,791 --> 00:19:38,009 Every day, I wake up not knowing if you're gonna 475 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,510 come out of nowhere and punch me in the face. 476 00:19:39,703 --> 00:19:41,587 I flinch every time a door opens. 477 00:19:41,739 --> 00:19:42,847 I look over my shoulder 478 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:44,924 every time I bend down to tie my shoes. 479 00:19:45,059 --> 00:19:47,910 And I flip my porch light on every night before I go to bed 480 00:19:47,970 --> 00:19:50,003 just to see if you're standing there. 481 00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:52,431 Do you have any idea how exciting that is? 482 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:55,434 So I didn't save your life because I like you. 483 00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,511 I saved it because... 484 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,605 because I hate you. 485 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:02,849 I hate you, too, Peter Griffin. 486 00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:05,018 Also, if you die, I'll be solely responsible 487 00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:07,854 for all the destruction we've caused over the years, 488 00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:10,708 so this decision is both emotional and financial. 489 00:20:10,859 --> 00:20:12,693 You can give him his medicine now, Dr. Hartman. 490 00:20:12,754 --> 00:20:14,861 You haven't been giving him his medicine?! 491 00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,673 Nah, I'm scared of needles so I've been faking all my nursing. 492 00:20:20,002 --> 00:20:21,385 This guy's nuts. 493 00:20:35,092 --> 00:20:37,026 (refrigerator humming) 494 00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:45,818 (crickets chirping) 495 00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,912 Mmm. 496 00:20:56,163 --> 00:20:57,755 Good.