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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,935 --> 00:00:07,337
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,372 --> 00:00:10,773
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,809 --> 00:00:13,776
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 13x03 ♪
Baking Bad
Original Air Date on October 19, 2014
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00:00:29,361 --> 00:00:33,861
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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00:00:33,865 --> 00:00:36,466
We now return to Hotel TV,
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00:00:36,501 --> 00:00:38,835
the station that makes you feel
like you're at a hotel
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00:00:38,870 --> 00:00:40,570
when you're not at a hotel.
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00:00:40,605 --> 00:00:43,139
Have a romantic drink
by the concourse fountain.
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00:00:43,174 --> 00:00:45,808
Or you can watch the big game
at Chopper's Bar and Grill,
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00:00:45,844 --> 00:00:47,977
where they'll be pouring
till 2:00 a.m.
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00:00:48,013 --> 00:00:49,479
Or maybe you're in the mood
for something
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00:00:49,514 --> 00:00:50,780
a little more exotic.
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00:00:50,815 --> 00:00:52,849
Try Jose Gato's
Brazilian Steakhouse.
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00:00:52,884 --> 00:00:54,851
With rooftop views,
plus a fine selection
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00:00:54,886 --> 00:00:56,252
of blended rum drinks.
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00:00:56,287 --> 00:00:57,754
At the end of the night,
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00:00:57,789 --> 00:00:59,255
you won't want to say,
"Boa noite."
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00:00:59,290 --> 00:01:01,691
And you won't have to,
'cause Chopper's is open,
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00:01:01,726 --> 00:01:03,593
where they're pouring
till 2:00 a.m.
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00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:05,161
Should we go
to Chopper's?
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00:01:05,196 --> 00:01:06,396
We interrupt this program
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00:01:06,431 --> 00:01:08,731
to bring you a Chanel 5 News
special report.
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00:01:08,767 --> 00:01:10,733
Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.
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00:01:10,769 --> 00:01:12,368
Tragedy stuck Haiti today
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00:01:12,404 --> 00:01:14,904
as the island nation was rocked
by a major earthquake,
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00:01:14,939 --> 00:01:17,106
leaving thousands dead
and injured.
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00:01:18,276 --> 00:01:20,710
Coming up, local newsman
shows a camera operator
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00:01:20,745 --> 00:01:22,845
how to center a shot.
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00:01:22,881 --> 00:01:24,047
There we go.
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00:01:24,082 --> 00:01:25,415
There, there's Tom.
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00:01:25,450 --> 00:01:26,949
There's the star.
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00:01:26,985 --> 00:01:28,985
Oh, my God.
That's terrible about Haiti.
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00:01:29,020 --> 00:01:30,720
We got to do
something to help.
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00:01:30,755 --> 00:01:32,055
No, we don't.
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00:01:32,090 --> 00:01:33,790
Relax.
I'm sure Wyclef Jean
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00:01:33,825 --> 00:01:35,391
has got it all under control.
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00:01:35,427 --> 00:01:36,592
I've always talked about
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00:01:36,628 --> 00:01:38,094
wanting to help in
these situations,
46
00:01:38,129 --> 00:01:39,796
but I never
follow through.
47
00:01:39,831 --> 00:01:42,098
Well, this time, I'm
really gonna do it.
48
00:01:42,133 --> 00:01:43,599
I'm gonna start
a blood drive.
49
00:01:43,635 --> 00:01:44,867
Good for you, Lois.
50
00:01:44,903 --> 00:01:46,936
You'll be a local hero,
like Paul Revere.
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00:01:46,971 --> 00:01:48,571
The British will
be here soon.
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00:01:48,606 --> 00:01:50,039
We shall stand our ground
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00:01:50,075 --> 00:01:51,441
and fight them to the death!
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00:01:51,476 --> 00:01:53,142
Yes! Yes!
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00:01:53,178 --> 00:01:54,544
Although...
I mean, one of us
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00:01:54,579 --> 00:01:55,745
should probably
warn everyone.
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00:01:55,780 --> 00:01:57,280
You know... that the
British are coming.
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00:01:57,315 --> 00:01:58,347
I mean, not me.
59
00:01:58,383 --> 00:01:59,615
I mean,
I want to fight.
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00:01:59,651 --> 00:02:01,617
I mean, oh, shoot...
I've got the horse.
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00:02:01,653 --> 00:02:03,820
I mean, but if
anyone else wants to go?
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00:02:03,855 --> 00:02:04,855
I'll go.
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00:02:04,856 --> 00:02:05,988
No one?
All right.
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00:02:06,024 --> 00:02:08,191
I'll make sure everyone
remembers your names!
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00:02:15,533 --> 00:02:17,467
Wow, Lois, you really
got a great turnout
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00:02:17,502 --> 00:02:18,901
for the blood drive.
Oh, yeah.
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00:02:18,937 --> 00:02:20,536
The whole thing's going off
without a hitch.
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00:02:20,572 --> 00:02:21,938
Well, except
for that mosquito
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00:02:21,973 --> 00:02:23,706
who keeps trying
to sneak in.
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00:02:23,741 --> 00:02:25,007
Hi. I'm the new nurse.
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00:02:25,043 --> 00:02:26,242
Get out of here!
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00:02:26,277 --> 00:02:27,577
This blood's not for you!
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00:02:27,612 --> 00:02:29,512
Aw...
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00:02:29,547 --> 00:02:31,714
Oh, look, an empty tire
with some water in it.
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00:02:31,749 --> 00:02:34,250
All right,
I'm happy again.
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00:02:34,285 --> 00:02:36,085
I'm gonna go ahead
and thank you
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00:02:36,121 --> 00:02:37,286
for donating
blood today.
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00:02:37,322 --> 00:02:38,387
Donating?!
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00:02:38,423 --> 00:02:39,789
I thought we were
getting paid!
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00:02:42,060 --> 00:02:45,328
Peter, everyone else here
has donated except you.
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00:02:45,363 --> 00:02:46,529
That's not true.
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00:02:46,564 --> 00:02:47,797
That guy over there
didn't donate.
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00:02:47,832 --> 00:02:49,499
That's still
you, Peter.
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00:02:49,534 --> 00:02:51,234
Oh. Well, if I got to donate,
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00:02:51,269 --> 00:02:52,602
he's got to donate, too.
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00:02:52,637 --> 00:02:54,337
You, get in here!
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00:02:55,673 --> 00:02:57,006
Sucker!
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00:02:57,041 --> 00:02:58,374
Son of a bitch!
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00:03:02,180 --> 00:03:04,714
Lois! Lois!
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00:03:04,749 --> 00:03:05,848
Mommy!
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00:03:05,884 --> 00:03:07,216
Stewie,
what's going on?
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00:03:07,252 --> 00:03:08,718
You should be
asleep by now.
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00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:10,419
I can't sleep, Brian.
Where's the woman?
94
00:03:10,455 --> 00:03:12,288
I need her to read me
a bedtime story.
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00:03:12,323 --> 00:03:13,723
Oh, she's busy with
the blood drive.
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00:03:13,758 --> 00:03:14,790
Maybe I can help.
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00:03:14,826 --> 00:03:16,359
How about I read you
this book?
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00:03:16,394 --> 00:03:18,060
It's called
Apathetic George.
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00:03:18,096 --> 00:03:20,129
"George used to be
a curious monkey,
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00:03:20,165 --> 00:03:21,797
"but after
a month in captivity,
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00:03:21,833 --> 00:03:23,466
"all he did
was wait for food.
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00:03:23,501 --> 00:03:25,334
"The zoo people
wanted him to mate,
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00:03:25,370 --> 00:03:27,436
"but he lost interest
in that, too.
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00:03:27,472 --> 00:03:29,305
"20 years
and millions of dollars
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00:03:29,340 --> 00:03:31,040
in zoo revenue later,
he died."
106
00:03:31,075 --> 00:03:33,042
Okay, I've had enough.
All right, you know what,
107
00:03:33,077 --> 00:03:35,244
I know something that will help
you sleep. Wait here.
108
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:37,446
Well, I hope so.
Because I've tried everything.
109
00:03:37,482 --> 00:03:39,649
Counting sheep,
thinking sleepy thoughts.
110
00:03:39,684 --> 00:03:41,751
I even hired the Sandman.
111
00:03:41,786 --> 00:03:43,686
Sand and sand and
sand and sand
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00:03:43,721 --> 00:03:46,589
and sand and sand
and good night!
113
00:03:46,624 --> 00:03:48,457
Okay, I'll give you
a tiny bit of this.
114
00:03:48,493 --> 00:03:50,226
It should help you sleep.
What is it?
115
00:03:50,261 --> 00:03:51,994
It's cough syrup.
It's not really for kids,
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00:03:52,030 --> 00:03:54,030
but a capful
is pretty harmless.
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00:03:55,066 --> 00:03:56,365
Mmm.
118
00:03:56,401 --> 00:03:59,869
Oh, so this is what Lil Wayne
keeps almost dying from.
119
00:03:59,904 --> 00:04:02,138
Ah, this is so relaxing.
120
00:04:02,173 --> 00:04:03,873
I could get used to this.
121
00:04:03,908 --> 00:04:06,876
Like the way I got used to
wearing European diapers.
122
00:04:06,911 --> 00:04:08,244
Don't mind me.
123
00:04:08,279 --> 00:04:10,279
I'm just grabbing
a little cheese and vino.
124
00:04:13,318 --> 00:04:15,117
If anybody needs me,
I'll be poolside
125
00:04:15,153 --> 00:04:18,955
next to my weirdly hot
girlfriend with dark teeth.
126
00:04:23,761 --> 00:04:25,228
Well, Lois, I'm
done giving blood.
127
00:04:25,263 --> 00:04:26,429
Just ask this guy.
128
00:04:26,464 --> 00:04:27,763
Is true, Lois.
129
00:04:27,799 --> 00:04:29,298
I sucked him dry.
130
00:04:29,334 --> 00:04:31,234
He gave a blood
donation as well.
131
00:04:31,269 --> 00:04:33,236
Peter, knock it off.
Just give some blood,
132
00:04:33,271 --> 00:04:35,171
get your cookie
and be done with it.
133
00:04:35,206 --> 00:04:36,839
Cookie?
Yes, Peter.
134
00:04:36,874 --> 00:04:39,041
There are cookies
for everyone who donates.
135
00:04:39,077 --> 00:04:40,476
Well, I already ate
two wedding cakes,
136
00:04:40,511 --> 00:04:42,345
but I guess I could
go for a cookie.
137
00:04:42,380 --> 00:04:43,479
All right, I'll do it.
138
00:04:43,514 --> 00:04:45,548
Peter, you're doing
a good thing.
139
00:04:45,583 --> 00:04:47,750
Thanks, Lois, but you got
to promise you'll warn me
140
00:04:47,785 --> 00:04:49,352
before they stick
that needle in me.
141
00:04:49,387 --> 00:04:51,621
Actually, we
just finished.
142
00:04:51,656 --> 00:04:53,556
Wow, that wasn't so bad.
143
00:04:53,591 --> 00:04:56,225
See, Peter? And now
you can have a cookie.
144
00:04:56,261 --> 00:04:57,693
Oh, awesome!
145
00:04:57,729 --> 00:05:01,297
Mmm. Mmm. Oh, my God,
Th-these are delicious.
146
00:05:01,332 --> 00:05:02,965
Lois, you made these?
147
00:05:03,001 --> 00:05:05,434
Yeah, I found one
of my grandmother's old recipes,
148
00:05:05,470 --> 00:05:08,571
so I thought I'd make a special
batch for the blood drive.
149
00:05:08,606 --> 00:05:11,173
Well, I'm glad you did.
These cookies are amazing.
150
00:05:11,209 --> 00:05:14,176
They're even tastier
than Connie Britton's hair.
151
00:05:18,216 --> 00:05:20,383
Mmm. God, your
hair is delicious.
152
00:05:20,418 --> 00:05:21,851
Who are you?
153
00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:24,787
I'm the guy who killed
your bodyguard.
154
00:05:28,326 --> 00:05:30,226
Coming this fall
to every network,
155
00:05:30,261 --> 00:05:34,163
your favorite sitcom lines
preceded by the word "uh."
156
00:05:34,198 --> 00:05:36,165
Uh, knock much?
157
00:05:38,870 --> 00:05:41,504
Uh, that just happened.
158
00:05:43,708 --> 00:05:46,342
Uh, so I guess this
is a thing now?
159
00:05:46,377 --> 00:05:48,344
Uh, yeah, no.
160
00:05:48,379 --> 00:05:50,279
Uh, awkward.
161
00:05:51,716 --> 00:05:54,684
TV, that thing
you used to watch.
162
00:05:54,719 --> 00:05:56,185
Oh, these are incredible.
163
00:05:56,220 --> 00:05:57,453
Hey, you know something?
164
00:05:57,488 --> 00:05:59,722
If we sold these, we could
make a ton of money.
165
00:05:59,757 --> 00:06:01,490
Maybe we should open
our own cookie store.
166
00:06:01,526 --> 00:06:03,626
Are you serious?
Yeah, why not?
167
00:06:03,661 --> 00:06:05,594
I mean, if George Foreman
can make electric grills,
168
00:06:05,630 --> 00:06:06,996
we can do this.
169
00:06:07,031 --> 00:06:09,265
I mean, I've seen that guy
get punched in the face
170
00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:11,200
a thousand times, and now
he's making science stuff.
171
00:06:11,235 --> 00:06:13,602
Who'd think that idiot
would still be walking around
172
00:06:13,638 --> 00:06:15,971
and Muhammad Ali
can't even talk anymore?
173
00:06:16,007 --> 00:06:18,507
You know, having our own store
could be kind of fun.
174
00:06:18,543 --> 00:06:20,543
And you'd really do it with me?
175
00:06:20,578 --> 00:06:21,811
Absolutely.
176
00:06:21,846 --> 00:06:25,348
Oh, Peter, that actually sounds
kind of romantic.
177
00:06:25,383 --> 00:06:28,951
I always wanted you and me
to work on a project together.
178
00:06:28,986 --> 00:06:30,686
Oh, let's do it!
179
00:06:30,722 --> 00:06:33,289
All right! Now, let's
turn up the TV real loud
180
00:06:33,324 --> 00:06:36,092
so the kids can't
hear us having sex.
181
00:06:36,127 --> 00:06:37,893
Aah! Aah!
182
00:06:37,929 --> 00:06:40,830
Sex! Sex!
183
00:06:46,919 --> 00:06:49,219
There's my handsome
business partner.
184
00:06:49,255 --> 00:06:51,756
Now, we can't be late for
our meeting with the bank.
185
00:06:51,791 --> 00:06:54,225
That's so cool you guys
are gonna open a business.
186
00:06:54,260 --> 00:06:56,427
Yeah, well, I got a ton
of business experience.
187
00:06:56,463 --> 00:06:58,096
I mean, I had that job
creating ads
188
00:06:58,131 --> 00:07:00,398
for the North Dakota
board of tourism.
189
00:07:00,433 --> 00:07:02,066
Hi. Do you like South Dakota
190
00:07:02,102 --> 00:07:03,901
but don't want
to see Mount Rushmore?
191
00:07:03,937 --> 00:07:05,370
Come to North Dakota.
192
00:07:05,405 --> 00:07:07,772
It's just a very long drive
from wherever you live.
193
00:07:07,807 --> 00:07:09,874
Best of all,
most of the good license plates
194
00:07:09,909 --> 00:07:11,142
aren't taken yet.
195
00:07:11,177 --> 00:07:13,745
Imagine coming here
and having "Cool Dude"
196
00:07:13,780 --> 00:07:15,747
or "Yay Jews"
197
00:07:15,782 --> 00:07:17,582
or "Boo Jews,"
198
00:07:17,617 --> 00:07:19,784
depending on where you stand
on Jews.
199
00:07:19,819 --> 00:07:22,720
North Dakota.
We're not even the best Dakota.
200
00:07:23,757 --> 00:07:25,390
Stewie,
what are you doing?
201
00:07:25,425 --> 00:07:27,925
Huh? Oh, Brian,
oh, there you are.
202
00:07:27,961 --> 00:07:30,928
I've been... I've been looking
all over the table for you.
203
00:07:30,964 --> 00:07:33,931
You know, I've got to tell
you, this stuff you gave me
204
00:07:33,967 --> 00:07:36,200
was a lifesaver
last night.
205
00:07:36,236 --> 00:07:37,902
I was out
like a light.
206
00:07:37,937 --> 00:07:40,905
And, you know, normally,
I'm up five or six times
207
00:07:40,940 --> 00:07:43,908
to scream and defecate.
But you know what?
208
00:07:43,943 --> 00:07:45,576
I slept straight
through.
209
00:07:45,612 --> 00:07:47,512
Stewie, I told you,
there's alcohol in that.
210
00:07:47,547 --> 00:07:49,080
It's not for kids.
211
00:07:49,115 --> 00:07:52,417
You're not for kids.
212
00:07:52,452 --> 00:07:54,419
Stewie, you're drunk.
213
00:07:54,454 --> 00:07:56,421
Oh, Brian's all serious.
214
00:07:56,456 --> 00:07:58,756
"Oh, I don't... I don't
drink in the morning
215
00:07:58,792 --> 00:08:00,391
because I've got
to land a plane."
216
00:08:01,694 --> 00:08:03,928
All right, come on, I've got
to drive you to daycare.
217
00:08:03,963 --> 00:08:06,931
Okay, okay, it's all right.
C-Calm down, calm down.
218
00:08:06,966 --> 00:08:08,933
Uh, uh, oh. Oh, I think I...
219
00:08:08,968 --> 00:08:12,036
I think I've put my shoes
on the wrong feet.
220
00:08:12,072 --> 00:08:14,005
Is it 9:15 already?
221
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,040
Lois, we got to go!
222
00:08:22,482 --> 00:08:24,849
You know, I've got all
the papers for the loan officer,
223
00:08:24,884 --> 00:08:27,452
but, I got to admit,
I'm a little nervous.
224
00:08:27,487 --> 00:08:29,787
Don't worry, we're gonna
get this loan, no problem.
225
00:08:29,823 --> 00:08:32,056
And if you get nervous,
just do what I always do,
226
00:08:32,092 --> 00:08:33,724
picture your
audience naked.
227
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:35,460
Good afternoon,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
228
00:08:35,495 --> 00:08:37,795
Aah! Get that enormous
thing out of my face!
229
00:08:37,831 --> 00:08:40,465
I'll be your loan officer,
so why don't you have a seat
230
00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:42,166
and tell me
about your business.
231
00:08:42,202 --> 00:08:43,401
Our business
is cookies.
232
00:08:43,436 --> 00:08:44,902
Now let me ask
you a question.
233
00:08:44,938 --> 00:08:46,904
You ever heard of money?
Yes.
234
00:08:46,940 --> 00:08:48,906
Good, good. We're
on the same page.
235
00:08:48,942 --> 00:08:50,708
Now, sir, let me ask
you something else.
236
00:08:50,743 --> 00:08:54,045
Can you name one successful
company that isn't cookie-based?
237
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:55,446
Microsoft.
238
00:08:55,482 --> 00:08:57,381
Peter, I'll handle this.
239
00:08:57,417 --> 00:09:00,118
Uh, my husband and I would like
to open a cookie store.
240
00:09:00,153 --> 00:09:01,452
We've done all the research,
241
00:09:01,488 --> 00:09:04,122
and I'm very confident
we can turn a profit.
242
00:09:04,157 --> 00:09:07,325
I've brought some samples
if you'd like to try one.
243
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:08,926
She said one.
244
00:09:08,962 --> 00:09:10,962
Take one.
245
00:09:12,432 --> 00:09:15,066
Mmm. Well,
these are delicious.
246
00:09:15,101 --> 00:09:18,870
Let me just run this
by my supervisor.
247
00:09:18,905 --> 00:09:20,571
Yes!
248
00:09:20,607 --> 00:09:22,740
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
this bank would like
249
00:09:22,775 --> 00:09:24,275
to help you start
your business.
250
00:09:24,310 --> 00:09:26,944
Really?!
Oh, that's fantastic!
251
00:09:26,980 --> 00:09:28,479
And if you have
any other questions,
252
00:09:28,515 --> 00:09:31,349
you can call me
at any time.
253
00:09:33,453 --> 00:09:34,752
Hello?
254
00:09:34,787 --> 00:09:37,822
How far away are the stars?
255
00:09:43,129 --> 00:09:44,929
Brian! Brian!
256
00:09:44,964 --> 00:09:46,797
Hold-hold on one second.
257
00:09:46,833 --> 00:09:48,633
I'll be right with you,
Mr. Duckford.
258
00:09:48,668 --> 00:09:50,635
Brian!
What?
259
00:09:50,670 --> 00:09:54,172
Let's order... I was just
thinking, let's order a kebab.
260
00:09:54,207 --> 00:09:56,174
A what?
A kebab.
261
00:09:56,209 --> 00:09:58,176
But I... but I want it
in this order:
262
00:09:58,211 --> 00:10:00,178
vegetable, meat, meat,
263
00:10:00,213 --> 00:10:02,180
vegetable, meat.
264
00:10:02,215 --> 00:10:05,183
And, uh, Mr. Duckford
would like some quackers.
265
00:10:05,218 --> 00:10:07,518
Can I leave now?
266
00:10:07,554 --> 00:10:10,521
No, no, Bri... No, you can't.
Brian, I need your help.
267
00:10:10,557 --> 00:10:13,658
I've made a series
of small poops in my bath,
268
00:10:13,693 --> 00:10:16,327
and I need you to scoop them out
with this fishnet.
269
00:10:16,362 --> 00:10:18,329
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
You have to.
270
00:10:18,364 --> 00:10:20,231
You're my butler.
I'm not your butler.
271
00:10:20,266 --> 00:10:22,333
I know, but wouldn't
it be great if you were?
272
00:10:22,368 --> 00:10:24,335
It'd be... I'd be so happy.
273
00:10:24,370 --> 00:10:27,004
In fact, the only thing
that would make me happier is...
274
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:30,341
would... is... would be if this
tub was filled with "yawgurt."
275
00:10:30,376 --> 00:10:32,476
Can you... can you get me
some yawgurt?
276
00:10:32,512 --> 00:10:34,478
Is the yawgurt shop
still open?
277
00:10:34,514 --> 00:10:37,348
Is there... is there some place
to dial up yawgurt?
278
00:10:37,383 --> 00:10:39,684
Stop saying that.
What's the best skin yawgurt?
279
00:10:39,719 --> 00:10:42,220
Who can... who can prepare me
a nice yawgurt treatment?
280
00:10:42,255 --> 00:10:44,889
If you say it like that one
more time, I'm gonna drown you.
281
00:10:44,924 --> 00:10:46,891
Yawgurt. Uh, see?
282
00:10:46,926 --> 00:10:48,893
You're not... you're not
gonna do anything.
283
00:10:48,928 --> 00:10:53,231
Hey, hey, Brian,
am I a good little guy?
284
00:10:56,836 --> 00:10:59,070
This space
will be perfect, Peter.
285
00:10:59,105 --> 00:11:00,271
Yeah, it sure will, Lois.
286
00:11:00,306 --> 00:11:02,340
Now all we got to do
is name the store.
287
00:11:02,375 --> 00:11:03,574
Ooh, ooh, I got it.
288
00:11:03,610 --> 00:11:04,942
Peter's Wife's Cookies.
289
00:11:04,978 --> 00:11:06,377
I love it.
290
00:11:06,412 --> 00:11:07,678
And I love you.
291
00:11:07,714 --> 00:11:09,247
Really?
Yes.
292
00:11:09,282 --> 00:11:11,449
You know, we did so-so
building a family,
293
00:11:11,484 --> 00:11:12,717
but this business--
294
00:11:12,752 --> 00:11:15,119
I think we can really
knock it out of the park.
295
00:11:15,154 --> 00:11:16,554
Oh, we sure can, Lois.
296
00:11:16,589 --> 00:11:17,888
We're gonna be a great team.
297
00:11:17,924 --> 00:11:20,858
Like Moses and his buddy who
liked to collect seashells.
298
00:11:25,064 --> 00:11:27,064
Yay!
299
00:11:34,173 --> 00:11:36,340
I can't believe it, Peter.
300
00:11:36,376 --> 00:11:37,975
Our first day
of business.
301
00:11:38,011 --> 00:11:39,510
All right. Well,
we have got work to do,
302
00:11:39,545 --> 00:11:41,612
so let's roll up our sleeves
and get right to it.
303
00:11:41,648 --> 00:11:43,314
There's a lot to do,
so we can't be afraid
304
00:11:43,349 --> 00:11:45,283
to just roll up our sleeves
and get the job done.
305
00:11:45,318 --> 00:11:46,817
We can't be hands-off managers.
306
00:11:46,853 --> 00:11:48,819
We got to roll up our sleeves
and just dig in.
307
00:11:48,855 --> 00:11:50,655
Peter, your arms
are turning purple.
308
00:11:50,690 --> 00:11:53,257
Purple with success.
That's the color of money.
309
00:11:53,293 --> 00:11:55,693
You got to do the work of two
men and pay yourself for one.
310
00:11:55,728 --> 00:11:58,095
Just roll up those sleeves
and address the task at hand,
311
00:11:58,131 --> 00:12:00,364
whatever it may be, not shying
away from the dirty work,
312
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,500
but just rolling up our sleeves
and having at it.
313
00:12:02,535 --> 00:12:04,402
Success is not given.
It is taken.
314
00:12:04,437 --> 00:12:07,171
It's time to get in the game
and get dirty.
315
00:12:07,206 --> 00:12:09,206
All right, I'm going to lunch.
316
00:12:14,380 --> 00:12:16,280
Uh, yes, I'd like
a chocolate chip cookie.
317
00:12:16,316 --> 00:12:17,581
Elmer!
318
00:12:17,617 --> 00:12:19,583
What, Mom? You promised
I could get a cookie
319
00:12:19,619 --> 00:12:20,885
if I finished
all my surgery.
320
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,253
Did you?
321
00:12:22,288 --> 00:12:23,888
Yeah.
All of it?
322
00:12:23,923 --> 00:12:26,324
Um...
Get back there.
323
00:12:26,359 --> 00:12:27,525
I'm gonna do it.
324
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:30,161
What does it matter
when I do it?
325
00:12:35,535 --> 00:12:37,268
Lois, Lois, lock the door.
Why?
326
00:12:37,303 --> 00:12:39,136
It's that lady who comes
in, tries a sample,
327
00:12:39,172 --> 00:12:41,605
and then whispers about
how bad she is. Hey.
328
00:12:41,641 --> 00:12:44,475
Oh, my God, you have
chocolate macadamia nut?
329
00:12:44,510 --> 00:12:46,410
Oh, could I just try
a little sample?
330
00:12:46,446 --> 00:12:48,546
Oh, I'm so bad.
331
00:12:48,581 --> 00:12:49,980
Uh, sure.
332
00:12:50,016 --> 00:12:51,515
You gonna buy a
cookie this time?
333
00:12:51,551 --> 00:12:54,285
Oh, I better just
stick with the sample.
334
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:55,586
I'm so bad.
335
00:12:55,621 --> 00:12:57,054
But at least
I know I'm bad,
336
00:12:57,090 --> 00:12:59,190
so that makes me
a little less bad.
337
00:12:59,225 --> 00:13:00,491
Or worse.
338
00:13:01,527 --> 00:13:04,295
That was the right thing
to do, Peter.
339
00:13:08,835 --> 00:13:10,534
Oh, boy, it's been
really slow.
340
00:13:10,570 --> 00:13:12,403
I mean, if it doesn't
pick up soon,
341
00:13:12,438 --> 00:13:14,472
we're not gonna stay
in business very long.
342
00:13:14,507 --> 00:13:16,340
Don't you worry,
Lois, you keep baking,
343
00:13:16,376 --> 00:13:17,775
I'll drum up some business.
344
00:13:17,810 --> 00:13:19,577
We just got to think
outside the box,
345
00:13:19,612 --> 00:13:21,946
like the makers of
Dreyer's ice cream.
346
00:13:21,981 --> 00:13:24,281
Guys, I've said it before,
and I'll say it again:
347
00:13:24,317 --> 00:13:25,816
When people go to
the supermarket,
348
00:13:25,852 --> 00:13:27,184
they need something
to look at
349
00:13:27,220 --> 00:13:29,453
before they choose
Haagen-Dazs.
350
00:13:35,461 --> 00:13:37,895
Hey, dude, can you pass me
a speck of Spazz?
351
00:13:37,930 --> 00:13:39,363
Sorry, brah,
all out.
352
00:13:39,399 --> 00:13:41,065
You want a cube
of Froosh?
353
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:42,767
Nah, I'm not into Froosh.
354
00:13:42,802 --> 00:13:44,769
I got a tear
of Laser Dragon.
355
00:13:44,804 --> 00:13:46,036
Can I handle it?
356
00:13:46,072 --> 00:13:48,506
I don't know.
Can you?
357
00:13:48,541 --> 00:13:51,275
Gum! What the hell is going on?!
358
00:13:51,310 --> 00:13:53,310
I don't know
what to do, you guys.
359
00:13:53,346 --> 00:13:55,045
The cookie shop
is tanking.
360
00:13:55,081 --> 00:13:56,280
If it fails,
we're screwed.
361
00:13:56,315 --> 00:13:57,548
My God,
what does it take
362
00:13:57,583 --> 00:13:59,417
to get people
to buy a damn cookie?
363
00:13:59,452 --> 00:14:00,785
Peter, let me
tell you something.
364
00:14:00,820 --> 00:14:02,486
I spend $600 a month
365
00:14:02,522 --> 00:14:04,355
on scented candles
at the farmer's market
366
00:14:04,390 --> 00:14:06,023
just because there's
a hot chick selling them.
367
00:14:06,058 --> 00:14:07,291
So what are you saying?
368
00:14:07,326 --> 00:14:08,793
You just bragging
about candles?
369
00:14:08,828 --> 00:14:10,261
That's a weird thing
to brag about.
370
00:14:10,296 --> 00:14:11,796
No, I'm saying
sex sells.
371
00:14:11,831 --> 00:14:13,264
Trust me,
you get a few hotties
372
00:14:13,299 --> 00:14:14,532
in that cookie shop
of yours,
373
00:14:14,567 --> 00:14:16,434
I bet your sales
will go up.
374
00:14:16,469 --> 00:14:17,735
Giggity.
375
00:14:17,770 --> 00:14:19,770
That was an unearned
giggity, Quagmire.
376
00:14:19,806 --> 00:14:20,971
I said "up."
377
00:14:21,007 --> 00:14:22,173
No?
378
00:14:22,208 --> 00:14:23,374
No.
No.
379
00:14:23,409 --> 00:14:25,109
Well, I'll try
anything, Quagmire,
380
00:14:25,144 --> 00:14:26,844
'cause I actually like
running that cookie shop.
381
00:14:26,879 --> 00:14:28,512
It's way better
than that job I had
382
00:14:28,548 --> 00:14:30,481
telemarketing
to buttholes.
383
00:14:30,516 --> 00:14:31,882
Hello?
384
00:14:31,918 --> 00:14:33,083
Sorry, wrong number.
385
00:14:33,119 --> 00:14:34,285
Hello?
386
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,020
Sorry, wrong number.
387
00:14:37,290 --> 00:14:39,490
And how are you today, sir?
388
00:14:43,529 --> 00:14:45,396
Oh, my God.
389
00:14:45,431 --> 00:14:47,498
Customers.
390
00:14:49,302 --> 00:14:50,935
What the hell?
391
00:14:54,674 --> 00:14:56,273
Peter, what did you do?
392
00:14:56,309 --> 00:14:58,008
I saved our business.
393
00:14:58,044 --> 00:14:59,510
And don't worry,
I only hired women
394
00:14:59,545 --> 00:15:01,111
whose names are
cookie-related.
395
00:15:01,147 --> 00:15:03,147
Lois, meet
Cookie, Sugar,
396
00:15:03,182 --> 00:15:05,149
Spice, Cinnamon,
Brown Sugar
397
00:15:05,184 --> 00:15:06,350
and Butter.
398
00:15:06,385 --> 00:15:07,985
Oh, hey,
Butter.
399
00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:09,653
Some guys
like Butter.
400
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:18,944
Peter, you turned our store
into a strip club.
401
00:15:18,944 --> 00:15:20,977
And I don't like
what this place has become.
402
00:15:21,012 --> 00:15:22,945
You mean hugely
profitable?
403
00:15:22,980 --> 00:15:24,914
We made all that today?
404
00:15:24,949 --> 00:15:26,215
Well, it was
twice as much,
405
00:15:26,250 --> 00:15:28,017
but I had to bail out
Cinnamon's kid.
406
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:29,719
Thanks, Mr. Peter.
407
00:15:29,754 --> 00:15:32,455
This guy's the best.
408
00:15:32,490 --> 00:15:35,825
Well, I guess business
is better than ever.
409
00:15:35,860 --> 00:15:37,426
That's the spirit, Lois.
410
00:15:37,462 --> 00:15:39,295
Just you watch, we'll
be a bigger success
411
00:15:39,330 --> 00:15:41,097
than Richard Branson.
412
00:15:41,132 --> 00:15:43,399
Hey, where's the business
guy in this boardroom?
413
00:15:43,434 --> 00:15:45,634
It couldn't be that
tan, long-haired guy
414
00:15:45,670 --> 00:15:47,603
with the white linen
pants, could it?
415
00:15:47,638 --> 00:15:48,904
It is!
416
00:15:48,940 --> 00:15:51,941
And now, to my amphibious
sky submarine.
417
00:15:53,144 --> 00:15:56,746
I have way too much money!
418
00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:06,756
Come on, get-get down there,
419
00:16:06,791 --> 00:16:08,491
you old bag.
420
00:16:09,994 --> 00:16:11,894
There we go.
421
00:16:13,398 --> 00:16:14,663
Stewie, what are you doing?
422
00:16:14,699 --> 00:16:16,432
Being awesome.
423
00:16:19,003 --> 00:16:20,169
Whoa, whoa,
wait, wait.
424
00:16:20,204 --> 00:16:21,904
You're in no
condition to drive.
425
00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:24,507
I'm fine to drive.
I'm so fine.
426
00:16:24,542 --> 00:16:26,342
You s...
I can do all the tests.
427
00:16:26,377 --> 00:16:28,244
See?
I can touch my nose.
428
00:16:29,514 --> 00:16:30,813
I can touch my...
429
00:16:30,848 --> 00:16:33,315
♪ Head, shoulder, knees
and toes, knees and toes. ♪
430
00:16:33,351 --> 00:16:34,517
Stop it.
431
00:16:34,552 --> 00:16:35,818
No, you stop it.
432
00:16:35,853 --> 00:16:37,153
You stop it, Brian.
433
00:16:37,188 --> 00:16:38,220
You're interfering
434
00:16:38,256 --> 00:16:40,256
with my professional
business.
435
00:16:42,326 --> 00:16:44,160
Where's the radio?
436
00:16:46,364 --> 00:16:48,431
Oh, my God, are you okay?
437
00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:50,933
No. I don't feel so good.
438
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:53,636
We should probably
exchange numbers.
439
00:16:53,671 --> 00:16:55,938
Okay. I'm a ten,
you're a four.
440
00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:11,187
This one's our new
chocolate white chocolate,
441
00:17:11,222 --> 00:17:13,055
and for every
dozen we sell,
442
00:17:13,090 --> 00:17:14,990
we donate 50 cents
443
00:17:15,026 --> 00:17:17,193
to Operation Smile.
444
00:17:17,229 --> 00:17:18,395
Yeah, nobody's
listening to you.
445
00:17:18,429 --> 00:17:19,595
They're all watching Sugar
446
00:17:19,630 --> 00:17:21,430
write frosting
swears on her jugs.
447
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:25,034
She just wrote
"vagina" on her boobs.
448
00:17:25,069 --> 00:17:26,669
That doesn't even
make any sense.
449
00:17:26,704 --> 00:17:27,970
She's doing what?
450
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,271
I told her ten minutes ago
451
00:17:29,307 --> 00:17:31,140
to put another batch
of oatmeal in the oven.
452
00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:32,441
Oh, that dough
is gone, Lois.
453
00:17:32,477 --> 00:17:34,109
I warmed it up
and put it behind
454
00:17:34,145 --> 00:17:36,545
those waist-high
holes in the wall.
455
00:17:36,581 --> 00:17:38,781
Is it spaghetti?
A bowl of grapes?
456
00:17:38,816 --> 00:17:41,550
Ooh, this is the best
haunted house ever.
457
00:17:41,586 --> 00:17:43,486
Peter, this is disgusting.
458
00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,387
I know we made a few changes,
459
00:17:45,423 --> 00:17:48,557
but this store should
still be about selling cookies.
460
00:17:48,593 --> 00:17:51,060
Well, you're never gonna
sell any looking like that.
461
00:17:51,095 --> 00:17:53,262
There. Now you're
ready to sell cookies.
462
00:17:53,297 --> 00:17:54,463
You know what?
463
00:17:54,499 --> 00:17:56,765
That's it. I'm done.
464
00:17:56,801 --> 00:17:59,368
I don't know why I ever
let you talk me into this...
465
00:17:59,403 --> 00:18:01,203
this...
whatever this is now.
466
00:18:01,239 --> 00:18:03,539
It's a strip club that
gives away free cookies.
467
00:18:03,574 --> 00:18:05,541
Ugh.
468
00:18:17,655 --> 00:18:19,455
Oh, crap.
469
00:18:19,490 --> 00:18:20,990
I should've known
something was up
470
00:18:21,025 --> 00:18:23,225
when I saw all those
cars out front.
471
00:18:23,261 --> 00:18:25,160
Stewie, why don't you
come and have a seat
472
00:18:25,196 --> 00:18:26,762
with all your friends here?
473
00:18:26,797 --> 00:18:28,230
We have something
to say to you.
474
00:18:28,266 --> 00:18:29,632
I'll go first.
475
00:18:29,667 --> 00:18:32,401
"Stewie, I remember
the day you were born.
476
00:18:32,436 --> 00:18:34,270
"I thought to myself,
here's a kid
477
00:18:34,305 --> 00:18:35,838
"who's got a white,
empty canvas
478
00:18:35,873 --> 00:18:37,439
stretched out
in front of him."
479
00:18:37,475 --> 00:18:39,542
Oh, please.
What... Who...
480
00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:40,843
What is this...
What is this,
481
00:18:40,878 --> 00:18:42,778
the circle
of perfect people?
482
00:18:42,813 --> 00:18:44,246
Who are you
to judge me?
483
00:18:44,282 --> 00:18:46,181
Mis-Mister...
Mister Giraffe,
484
00:18:46,217 --> 00:18:49,318
who lets l-little boys
grind on his rump.
485
00:18:49,353 --> 00:18:52,988
Mr. Octopus, who lets
little boys grind on his rump.
486
00:18:53,024 --> 00:18:54,723
Every one of you
has your own problems.
487
00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:56,358
Yeah, but you're
the only one who almost
488
00:18:56,394 --> 00:18:57,760
killed a kid yesterday.
489
00:18:57,795 --> 00:18:59,461
Yeah, well, that's, d...
That's because that...
490
00:18:59,497 --> 00:19:01,430
'Cause, because that
kid... That's because...
491
00:19:01,465 --> 00:19:02,965
because that... 'ca...
because that kid...
492
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,567
that kid...
493
00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:06,368
I know.
494
00:19:06,404 --> 00:19:07,670
Oh, Brian.
495
00:19:07,705 --> 00:19:09,004
Who am I?
496
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,940
I don't have a cough,
and my sinuses
497
00:19:10,975 --> 00:19:12,942
are remarkably
wide open.
498
00:19:12,977 --> 00:19:14,343
But I have a problem.
499
00:19:14,378 --> 00:19:16,412
Good. Admitting it
is the first step.
500
00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:18,113
But don't worry,
I'll get you through it.
501
00:19:18,149 --> 00:19:19,315
Thank you, Brian.
502
00:19:19,350 --> 00:19:20,716
You're welcome, Stewie.
503
00:19:20,751 --> 00:19:23,218
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go to Chris's room.
504
00:19:23,254 --> 00:19:24,720
We're doing
a masturbation intervention.
505
00:19:24,755 --> 00:19:27,890
I got a bunch of his friends
sitting in a circle in there...
506
00:19:27,925 --> 00:19:29,858
Oh, dear God.
507
00:19:34,699 --> 00:19:36,165
Oh. Hey.
508
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:37,967
Lois, before you
say anything,
509
00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:39,842
there's something
important I want to tell you.
510
00:19:39,870 --> 00:19:42,204
After you left, I ate
cookie dough off the stomach
511
00:19:42,239 --> 00:19:43,639
of a 20-year-old,
and then I vomited
512
00:19:43,674 --> 00:19:45,074
and all the girls
laughed at me,
513
00:19:45,109 --> 00:19:47,743
and then it came out that they
all think I'm fat and old.
514
00:19:47,778 --> 00:19:48,944
Is that it?
515
00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:51,113
I guess what I'm trying
to say is...
516
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:53,916
I was wrong to choose
sexiness over my wife.
517
00:19:54,986 --> 00:19:56,151
Peter, what are you doing?
518
00:19:56,187 --> 00:19:57,353
What-what was that?
519
00:19:57,388 --> 00:19:59,421
Oh, back at the store,
I, uh, tucked my boner
520
00:19:59,457 --> 00:20:02,024
into the waistband of my pants
and now it's sitting weird.
521
00:20:02,059 --> 00:20:03,692
That's your apology?
522
00:20:03,728 --> 00:20:06,495
Well, that and this.
523
00:20:10,635 --> 00:20:11,800
Oh, Peter, did...
524
00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:13,369
did you bake this?
525
00:20:13,404 --> 00:20:15,871
Yeah. I love you, Lois.
526
00:20:15,906 --> 00:20:17,539
I really liked
having a store with you,
527
00:20:17,575 --> 00:20:19,642
and I'm...
I'm sorry I messed it up.
528
00:20:19,677 --> 00:20:21,777
I was only trying to help.
529
00:20:21,812 --> 00:20:23,646
I know, Peter.
530
00:20:23,681 --> 00:20:25,881
So you want
to split this with me?
531
00:20:25,916 --> 00:20:28,050
Uh, I wouldn't.
Butter helped me with it,
532
00:20:28,085 --> 00:20:30,386
and she has
chlamydia fingers.
533
00:20:34,058 --> 00:20:36,158
Well, it was fun
having our own store.
534
00:20:36,193 --> 00:20:37,693
But from now on,
my cookies
535
00:20:37,728 --> 00:20:39,895
are only
for these customers.
536
00:20:39,930 --> 00:20:42,364
Oh, Mom.
537
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,433
So, Mom, what are you
gonna do with the shop?
538
00:20:44,468 --> 00:20:45,868
Well, I talked
to the bank,
539
00:20:45,903 --> 00:20:48,037
and they agreed
to take it back.
540
00:20:48,072 --> 00:20:50,039
Me love Cookie. Om, nom, nom,
nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom...
541
00:20:50,074 --> 00:20:56,574
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man