1
00:00:02,502 --> 00:00:05,938
It seems today that all you see
2
00:00:06,039 --> 00:00:09,236
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:12,800
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,912 --> 00:00:15,437
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,882 --> 00:00:19,215
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:22,618
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,722 --> 00:00:24,622
All the things that make us
8
00:00:24,724 --> 00:00:25,986
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:30,552
He's a family guy
10
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:39,933
This is ridiculous.
Why did y'all drag me here?
11
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,941
Because you can't just
sit home every night since Loretta left.
12
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,772
You got to get out and meet some women.
13
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,176
Well, I suppose I could give it a try.
14
00:00:47,747 --> 00:00:51,444
Hey, baby. How'd you like to go black
and then have to make...
15
00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:54,952
a difficult decision regarding
whether or not to go back?
16
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:58,024
Sorry, I went burnt sienna
and I never went back.
17
00:00:58,124 --> 00:01:00,319
Ready, baby? Who's this clown?
18
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:08,929
Open up, Stewie.
The airplane's coming in for a landing.
19
00:01:09,702 --> 00:01:12,762
I guess the pilot must have been
JFK Junior.
20
00:01:13,039 --> 00:01:15,439
Even I found that to be in bad taste.
21
00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:17,100
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
22
00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:20,577
Good morning, Chris. Oh, my God!
Look at the size of that pimple.
23
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,739
You're like a circus freak!
24
00:01:23,283 --> 00:01:25,751
I'm kidding.
You're just becoming a man, sweetie.
25
00:01:25,852 --> 00:01:27,843
Yeah. I remember when I became a man.
26
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:31,751
The operation was a success.
What are you gonna go by now?
27
00:01:31,858 --> 00:01:33,120
Peter.
28
00:01:33,226 --> 00:01:35,820
You know, Chris, we'll have to
do something about that.
29
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,829
But I don't wanna get rid of my zit.
30
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:41,196
I like him. He's my friend.
His name is Doug.
31
00:01:41,301 --> 00:01:43,030
I just wish I didn't have to look at it.
32
00:01:43,136 --> 00:01:45,434
We have to look at your anus all day.
33
00:01:45,538 --> 00:01:46,732
Thank you.
34
00:01:49,309 --> 00:01:52,176
The Bachelorette comes to Quahog
in search of male contestants.
35
00:01:52,278 --> 00:01:53,745
Story at 11:00.
36
00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:56,148
Well, actually, that was pretty much it.
37
00:01:56,249 --> 00:01:57,773
But there will be other stuff, too.
38
00:01:57,884 --> 00:01:59,579
Look, I'm turning down the thermostat.
39
00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:01,381
See Diane's erect nipples at 11:00.
40
00:02:01,488 --> 00:02:04,150
Oh, my God!
The Bachelorette is coming to Quahog.
41
00:02:04,257 --> 00:02:06,020
That's, like, my favorite show ever.
42
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,616
Meg, how can you watch that crap?
43
00:02:07,727 --> 00:02:09,592
That show is not reality. It's all staged.
44
00:02:09,696 --> 00:02:11,926
It's a complete mockery
of human relationships.
45
00:02:12,031 --> 00:02:15,125
You know, this could be the perfect way
for Cleveland to meet Mrs. Right.
46
00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:17,635
I got to tell him. Hey, Cleveland.
47
00:02:17,837 --> 00:02:21,796
Joe? Sorry, I dialed the wrong number.
I meant to call Cleveland.
48
00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:24,103
No, I just wanted to tell him something.
49
00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:26,906
No, I'd like to talk to you, too.
It's just that...
50
00:02:27,013 --> 00:02:29,743
Fine. I'll call you after
I talk to Cleveland.
51
00:02:29,849 --> 00:02:32,249
I don't feel obligated. I want to.
52
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:35,753
You're a good pimple, Doug.
53
00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:37,152
Feed me.
54
00:02:37,790 --> 00:02:39,485
You can talk?
55
00:02:39,592 --> 00:02:42,060
That's right.
And we're gonna raise some hell.
56
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,221
All right! Raise some hell!
57
00:03:10,456 --> 00:03:13,254
So, why would you be a good candidate
on The Bachelorette?
58
00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:15,486
I would be perfect for your show...
59
00:03:15,595 --> 00:03:18,894
because I know
how to talk dirty to the ladies.
60
00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:23,264
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That feels so good.
61
00:03:23,369 --> 00:03:25,394
Spit in my mouth.
62
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,367
Two hundred auditions and nothing.
63
00:03:29,475 --> 00:03:30,874
We still got one guy waiting.
64
00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:33,946
You lined up 201 auditions?
What a weird number.
65
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,047
You're weird.
66
00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:38,716
Peter, I can't do this.
I am too nervous. I got to go.
67
00:03:38,818 --> 00:03:40,843
No, Cleveland,
I'm not gonna let you do this.
68
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:42,444
I'll tie you down, if I have to.
69
00:03:43,623 --> 00:03:45,853
Peter, this is only making it worse.
70
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:48,587
Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in.
71
00:03:48,695 --> 00:03:50,856
It's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric.
72
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:53,432
It's your clothes. Let's
get your clothes off.
73
00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:56,331
Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked!
74
00:03:56,436 --> 00:03:58,597
Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry.
75
00:03:58,705 --> 00:04:00,536
Here. You know what?
Look, Cleveland, look.
76
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,301
See? Now you're not alone, Cleveland.
77
00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:05,400
Let me out of here!
I need to get out of here.
78
00:04:05,511 --> 00:04:09,413
Cleveland, no, you're staying.
This is for your own good.
79
00:04:09,882 --> 00:04:11,213
Oh, my God!
80
00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:15,444
Hi, we're here for the interview.
81
00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:21,151
Excuse me. Hi. Listen, I just wanted
to apologize for Peter.
82
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,491
He was just trying to help out his friend.
83
00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:26,326
You see, his wife left him
and he's been kind of lonely...
84
00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:28,229
confused about what he really wants.
85
00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:29,824
- What's your name?
- Brian.
86
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:33,633
Congratulations, Brian.
You're gonna be on The Bachelorette.
87
00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:36,709
Really? You're sure
you don't want to reconsider my friend?
88
00:04:36,809 --> 00:04:38,470
Let me see.
89
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,980
Oh, that ain't bad!
90
00:04:45,885 --> 00:04:49,048
Brian, I can't believe
you're gonna be on The Bachelorette.
91
00:04:49,155 --> 00:04:51,180
Yeah, I thought you said
those shows were stupid.
92
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,291
They are stupid.
93
00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:54,826
But I figured I got a few days
of free booze and food...
94
00:04:54,927 --> 00:04:56,895
before they kick me off.
I could use a vacation.
95
00:04:56,996 --> 00:05:00,659
Oh, yeah, because you've got
such a heavy workload around here.
96
00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:05,265
How you coming on that novel
you're working on, huh?
97
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:08,300
Got a big stack of papers there?
98
00:05:09,108 --> 00:05:12,441
Got a nice little story
you working on there?
99
00:05:12,545 --> 00:05:15,878
The big novel you've been working on
for three years, huh?
100
00:05:16,716 --> 00:05:19,116
Got a compelling protagonist?
101
00:05:19,218 --> 00:05:21,743
Got an obstacle for him to overcome?
102
00:05:23,122 --> 00:05:25,215
Little story brewing there? Working on?
103
00:05:25,792 --> 00:05:28,090
Working on that for quite some time, huh?
104
00:05:28,194 --> 00:05:32,255
Talking about that three years ago.
Been working on that the whole time?
105
00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:35,391
Nice little narrative.
Beginning, middle, and end.
106
00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:38,732
Some friends become enemies,
some enemies become friends?
107
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:42,569
At the end your main character
is richer for the experience? Yeah?
108
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,240
No, you deserve some time off.
109
00:05:47,947 --> 00:05:50,313
I am super excited.
You think she'll be hot?
110
00:05:50,416 --> 00:05:52,611
- I bet she'll be hot.
- I think she'll be hot, too.
111
00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:54,277
No way! So do I!
112
00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:59,057
- Quagmire.
- Hey, Brian!
113
00:05:59,158 --> 00:06:02,059
- How did you get on the show?
- I had to do a few favors.
114
00:06:02,161 --> 00:06:04,629
I got to get on that show.
Come on, I'll do anything.
115
00:06:04,731 --> 00:06:05,925
Anything?
116
00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:09,031
- Yeah.
- All right.
117
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:11,431
- Okay, you're ready?
- Yep.
118
00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:13,334
Okay, check under the bed.
119
00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:15,805
- No, nothing.
- Check in the closet.
120
00:06:15,908 --> 00:06:17,603
No, no monsters in here.
121
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,109
Now check the bathroom.
122
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,146
- No, none in here, either.
- Okay, good.
123
00:06:21,247 --> 00:06:24,045
- So, can I be on The Bachelorette?
- Yeah. Goodnight.
124
00:06:26,819 --> 00:06:29,049
Peter, I'm getting
a little worried about Chris.
125
00:06:29,155 --> 00:06:32,215
All he does lately is sit alone in his room
talking to that zit.
126
00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:34,088
Relax, Lois. What's a zit gonna do?
127
00:06:34,193 --> 00:06:37,390
Talk to him and tell him to
sneak out of the house and cause trouble?
128
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:42,329
Now light it, ring the doorbell,
and run like hell!
129
00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:44,995
- I don't know about this, Doug.
- Just do it!
130
00:06:48,474 --> 00:06:49,702
Oh, good Lord!
131
00:06:54,213 --> 00:06:56,443
Is that... Doody!
132
00:06:56,549 --> 00:06:59,848
I'm doing the dishes, Joe.
I'll change you in a minute.
133
00:07:04,290 --> 00:07:07,259
Trevor, this is Brooke, the bachelorette.
134
00:07:07,460 --> 00:07:09,460
I wasn't too nervous.
When I am nervous I work out.
135
00:07:10,496 --> 00:07:12,616
I wasn't working out,
so I must not have been nervous.
136
00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:14,299
I was very pleased and surprised.
137
00:07:15,535 --> 00:07:18,003
I really was not expecting an open bar.
138
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,072
Top-shelf booze, I tell you.
139
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:23,142
And this guy knew his stuff.
Made me a Mojito.
140
00:07:25,578 --> 00:07:27,876
I don't think it's a gay drink.
141
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,014
Mojito!
142
00:07:31,984 --> 00:07:34,748
Hey, guys.
Well, it's been great to meet you all.
143
00:07:34,854 --> 00:07:37,880
And I am looking forward
to getting to know you while we're here.
144
00:07:40,893 --> 00:07:43,123
- Dude, put your pants on.
- Shut up.
145
00:07:43,329 --> 00:07:44,921
Well, I really like all the guys.
146
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:47,625
But some of them
seem a little too competitive.
147
00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:52,567
I got to tell you. I don't know what she
would possibly see in Count Chocula.
148
00:07:52,672 --> 00:07:54,731
I think he's just here
because he's a minority.
149
00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:10,147
You were right, Doug. Mischief is fun.
150
00:08:10,256 --> 00:08:13,157
We're the best pals since the Snorks.
151
00:08:13,259 --> 00:08:15,454
I am having a really great time.
152
00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:18,530
Me, too. I really value our friendship.
153
00:08:18,631 --> 00:08:22,032
You're not like those other Snorks
who only want one thing.
154
00:08:22,134 --> 00:08:25,035
Oh, that was clumsy. Hang on a second.
155
00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:36,510
Gentlemen, it's time
for the first rose ceremony.
156
00:08:36,616 --> 00:08:39,483
Who gets to stay,
and who takes the bus ride home...
157
00:08:39,585 --> 00:08:40,950
it's up to Brooke.
158
00:08:41,888 --> 00:08:44,823
- Trevor.
- That's what Trevor's talking about.
159
00:08:45,291 --> 00:08:47,191
Hey, can I say hi to a friend of mine?
160
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:49,227
- Sure.
- Hi, Jesus!
161
00:08:49,495 --> 00:08:50,655
No way!
162
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:53,855
Hello. I know. I saw.
163
00:08:54,066 --> 00:08:55,158
Glenn.
164
00:08:59,171 --> 00:09:02,004
- Brian.
- What? Are you serious?
165
00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:04,042
I feel like I didn't get
to know you at all.
166
00:09:04,143 --> 00:09:06,236
- Would you accept this rose?
- All right.
167
00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:09,610
But I think this whole thing is about
as pointless as Peter's cow-kite.
168
00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:18,254
This is never gonna work. Damn cow.
Cleveland, what am I doing wrong?
169
00:09:18,357 --> 00:09:21,952
You got to get her running
before you start running.
170
00:09:25,131 --> 00:09:26,131
Chris.
171
00:09:26,432 --> 00:09:28,764
Chris, honey, can I talk to you?
172
00:09:32,004 --> 00:09:34,029
Oh, my God, he's gone!
173
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:35,869
That means this room is mine now.
174
00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:37,966
I am gonna party my ass off in here.
175
00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:39,806
Great pot, Stewie.
176
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:42,073
Yeah, I got it from
our cleaning lady's boyfriend.
177
00:09:42,181 --> 00:09:45,150
It's okay, though, 'cause she's gonna
use the money to get a mammogram.
178
00:09:46,118 --> 00:09:48,586
Chris, where have you been?
179
00:09:48,688 --> 00:09:51,179
Doug told me I don't need to listen to you.
180
00:09:51,290 --> 00:09:53,918
Doug? Your pimple? Oh, that is it!
181
00:09:54,026 --> 00:09:56,859
First thing tomorrow, we're going down
to Goldman's Pharmacy...
182
00:09:56,963 --> 00:09:59,090
and get some astringent
to get rid of that thing.
183
00:09:59,198 --> 00:10:01,564
What did I tell you?
She's trying to drive us apart.
184
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,066
We can't let that happen.
185
00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:06,399
I am in no mood.
186
00:10:09,408 --> 00:10:12,935
Welcome to the Saddleback Ranch
and our first group date.
187
00:10:13,045 --> 00:10:15,206
Is everyone ready
for a little cowboy action?
188
00:10:15,314 --> 00:10:18,112
- Yeah!
- I love horses.
189
00:10:18,217 --> 00:10:20,412
Sorry, I am late, Brian. Here's your ride.
190
00:10:20,519 --> 00:10:22,749
Oh, come on, you can't expect me
to ride that thing.
191
00:10:22,855 --> 00:10:24,652
Sorry, we're short on horses.
192
00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:28,459
You know what? Forget it.
I'll just go smoke.
193
00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:31,225
- Hey, there, Adam.
- Hello, Henry.
194
00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:34,231
I have the power!
195
00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:46,741
Brooke, what are you doing here?
196
00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:48,677
Oh, I just can't take it anymore.
197
00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:51,215
All these guys just coming on to me.
198
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:54,218
I had to sneak off.
Oh, could I bum one of those?
199
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:58,152
You know, I don't even know
why I agreed to do this show.
200
00:10:58,257 --> 00:10:59,485
This is just so not me.
201
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:02,925
I'd much rather just be home
listening to my old jazz records.
202
00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:05,930
Really? I didn't know. I actually have
quite a jazz collection myself.
203
00:11:06,032 --> 00:11:08,557
- What do you like?
- DJ Jazzy Jeff!
204
00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:10,869
I'm kidding!
205
00:11:12,104 --> 00:11:14,299
Oh, you got me. Oh, you got me, yeah.
206
00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:17,899
No, I really like Coleman Hawkins,
Ben Webster.
207
00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:20,877
Oh, and early Coltrane,
before he got clean.
208
00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:22,845
Yeah, no junk, no soul.
209
00:11:22,948 --> 00:11:25,314
No kidding. I mean, look at Chevy Chase.
210
00:11:25,951 --> 00:11:27,179
Right.
211
00:11:27,286 --> 00:11:30,050
You know, I got to say, I thought
she was just some actress...
212
00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:34,354
looking for her 15 minutes of fame,
but she's pretty sharp, you know.
213
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:37,293
I guess you can't judge
a Brooke by her cover.
214
00:11:38,597 --> 00:11:40,690
You can cut that out, right?
215
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:45,499
And maybe you can cut out when I said
junk earlier, the whole Chevy Chase thing.
216
00:11:45,604 --> 00:11:49,040
Seems like he's probably
the kind of guy who might sue.
217
00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:51,268
I mean, the guy's got to have
no money left.
218
00:11:53,079 --> 00:11:54,341
All right, gentlemen...
219
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:57,439
let's see how Glenn's
private date with Brooke is going.
220
00:11:58,150 --> 00:12:00,846
Hey, Brooke, what do you say,
we get you some more champagne?
221
00:12:00,953 --> 00:12:02,113
Sure.
222
00:12:08,761 --> 00:12:10,092
All right.
223
00:12:13,199 --> 00:12:15,258
Hey, forgot about you guys.
224
00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:17,392
Well, I guess the date's over.
225
00:12:17,503 --> 00:12:20,370
Goodnight, Brooke.
Thanks for a lovely evening.
226
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,708
Oh, my God, Peter,
it looks like there's been a break in.
227
00:12:31,984 --> 00:12:33,542
Do you think so?
228
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:36,611
Oh, God, they're back.
229
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:42,260
Whoa, awesome! Totally awesome!
230
00:12:43,562 --> 00:12:45,154
All right, Goldman.
231
00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:47,061
What the hell is your problem, Mort?
232
00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:50,158
I am sorry, Peter. I thought you were
one of those criminals...
233
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:54,103
who broke in and destroyed
my entire stock of acne medication.
234
00:12:54,206 --> 00:12:57,004
Oh, my God. Peter, do you think
Chris might have done this?
235
00:12:57,109 --> 00:13:00,442
Come on, Lois, he doesn't have the wild
streak you had when you were younger.
236
00:13:00,546 --> 00:13:04,004
For God's sake, you used to make
Plasto molds of celebrity body parts.
237
00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:08,049
Okay, Daryl, it's almost dry.
238
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:09,781
Very nice, by the way.
239
00:13:09,889 --> 00:13:12,585
This one's going on the shelf
right next to Dan Fogelberg.
240
00:13:12,691 --> 00:13:14,318
Hey, Lois, am I up next?
241
00:13:14,426 --> 00:13:17,987
Just wait in your dressing room.
I'll come back for you, Oates.
242
00:13:18,097 --> 00:13:20,031
I am not coming back for Oates.
243
00:13:22,101 --> 00:13:24,194
Glenn, will you accept this rose?
244
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,503
Really? After I drugged you...
245
00:13:25,571 --> 00:13:27,698
and tried to have sex
with your unconscious body?
246
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:28,807
- What?
- Yes.
247
00:13:28,874 --> 00:13:31,274
This is the final rose tonight.
248
00:13:34,246 --> 00:13:35,838
- Brian.
- Yes!
249
00:13:35,948 --> 00:13:38,212
Yeah, I mean,
I know I was skeptical at first...
250
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:42,219
but I got to be honest, I've never
felt this way about anyone before.
251
00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:45,484
I mean, I am in love. That's it.
252
00:13:46,258 --> 00:13:47,589
I am in love.
253
00:13:48,093 --> 00:13:51,085
I finally understand
those songs on the radio.
254
00:13:51,630 --> 00:13:54,394
What did you think
255
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:58,633
I would do at this moment
256
00:13:59,238 --> 00:14:02,537
When you're standing before me
257
00:14:02,741 --> 00:14:05,608
With tears in your eyes
258
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:11,045
Brooke has narrowed her choice down
to Quagmire and Brian.
259
00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:13,948
All that's left is for Brooke
to meet their families.
260
00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:22,693
Hey, Brian, I can't wait
to meet your family.
261
00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:25,093
Yeah, me, too. They're pretty great.
262
00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:28,064
Brian, welcome home, you son of a bitch!
263
00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:30,601
So, did you loose?
You got to tell me all about it.
264
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,603
Hey, how was your bachelorette?
265
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,333
Was she a dumb bimbo like you said
but with a big rack.
266
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:37,033
Come on in and tell me everything.
267
00:14:37,142 --> 00:14:40,873
I bet your stories will make me laugh
so hard, I'll shoot milk out of my nose.
268
00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:42,914
Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette.
269
00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:44,744
She's having dinner with us tonight.
270
00:14:44,850 --> 00:14:47,751
I went over this with you
a few minutes ago.
271
00:14:50,289 --> 00:14:53,747
Why, it's wonderful to meet you.
We've heard so many nice things.
272
00:14:53,859 --> 00:14:56,623
Yes, indeed.
So, how long have you been a prostitute?
273
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,459
No, Doug, I will not lift up her shirt.
274
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:01,226
Chris, we have company.
275
00:15:01,333 --> 00:15:03,733
So, you ever been with a woman?
276
00:15:04,103 --> 00:15:05,195
No.
277
00:15:05,304 --> 00:15:06,635
- Peter!
- What?
278
00:15:07,273 --> 00:15:09,468
There. Are you happy, Doug?
279
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:13,207
Christopher Cross Griffin,
what are you doing?
280
00:15:13,312 --> 00:15:15,177
Joe, what are you doing here?
281
00:15:15,281 --> 00:15:19,843
Peter, we have proof that it was Chris
who vandalized Goldman's Pharmacy.
282
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:24,116
I knew it.
I didn't want to believe it, but it's true.
283
00:15:24,223 --> 00:15:27,386
Oh, God, what happened to my baby.
284
00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:28,892
Who sold you the drugs?
285
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,518
I can't believe this!
286
00:15:40,639 --> 00:15:43,130
...what a cavity search is.
287
00:15:45,577 --> 00:15:47,772
You made my mom cry tonight, Doug.
288
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,178
I don't think you're a very good friend.
289
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:52,375
I am not gonna listen to you anymore.
290
00:15:52,484 --> 00:15:55,385
Oh, yeah? I'm inside your head now, fatty.
291
00:15:55,487 --> 00:15:58,217
And I just might reach into your brain
and do this.
292
00:15:58,490 --> 00:16:00,822
Okay, I'll listen.
293
00:16:02,094 --> 00:16:03,254
That's my boy.
294
00:16:03,362 --> 00:16:06,456
Now, grab my bacon grease
and slather me up some homeys.
295
00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:11,302
- What's going on, man?
- Wassup, dog.
296
00:16:11,403 --> 00:16:13,462
Yeah, where are all the whiteheads at?
297
00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:21,336
Brian, we've had some wonderful times.
I really like you.
298
00:16:21,447 --> 00:16:23,711
Look, I understand. It's okay.
299
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,649
I hope you and Quagmire
have all the happiness in the world.
300
00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:27,878
But I am choosing you.
301
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,421
Just promise me
you'll make him wear this... What?
302
00:16:30,522 --> 00:16:33,923
You're choosing me?
After what happened with my family?
303
00:16:34,026 --> 00:16:37,553
Well, it wasn't as bad as the evening
I spent with Glenn and his mother.
304
00:16:40,199 --> 00:16:41,996
Glenn, would you feed Mittens?
305
00:16:42,101 --> 00:16:43,500
Mittens has food in his bowl.
306
00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:45,399
That's old food!
307
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:47,438
Mittens, shut up!
308
00:16:47,539 --> 00:16:50,975
Don't you talk to Mittens that way.
Mittens is a member of this family.
309
00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:54,603
Mom, you want this three-way to happen,
you're gonna have to change your tone.
310
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:58,248
My God, you've just made me
the happiest dog in the world.
311
00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:01,251
- I love you, Brooke.
- I love you, too, Brian.
312
00:17:06,425 --> 00:17:08,416
All right, that's a wrap.
313
00:17:09,395 --> 00:17:12,159
Well, it was great working with you, Brian.
Good luck.
314
00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:15,696
What are you talking about?
What about us?
315
00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:17,928
Oh, stop it. It's just TV.
316
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:23,037
- Hi, Brian.
- Michael Eisner?
317
00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:26,168
On behalf of ABC,
I'd like to give you this parting gift.
318
00:17:26,278 --> 00:17:27,506
A bill for the mansion.
319
00:17:27,613 --> 00:17:29,547
No givesies-backsies!
320
00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:37,821
Hey, Brooke, it's me again, Brian.
321
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:41,719
Hi. Wasn't sure
if you got my last message...
322
00:17:42,194 --> 00:17:45,891
or any of the other ones.
Anyway, I'll just leave a quick message...
323
00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:48,193
'cause you might be trying
to call me right now.
324
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:51,565
And I don't want to tie up the line.
So, I guess...
325
00:17:51,670 --> 00:17:54,161
I guess... Yeah, give me a call.
326
00:17:55,174 --> 00:17:56,937
Okay, I'm hanging up...
327
00:17:57,042 --> 00:18:00,307
in three, two, one.
328
00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:02,202
Okay, call me back.
329
00:18:02,314 --> 00:18:05,841
I'll be here all day, and tonight.
330
00:18:06,218 --> 00:18:07,549
Okay, bye.
331
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:14,452
Hey, me again. Thought I might've
heard a voice when I was hanging up.
332
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,586
Nope? I guess not.
Okay, I will talk to you soon.
333
00:18:17,796 --> 00:18:19,457
Hello? No. Sorry.
334
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,991
Hey, babe. Just trying you again.
335
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:28,096
Listening to our guy Coltrane,
you know. Okay.
336
00:18:28,207 --> 00:18:32,166
Anyway, I got a fax earlier
about cheap airfare to Cancun.
337
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:35,303
Didn't know if that was you
trying to reach me.
338
00:18:35,747 --> 00:18:38,580
Let me give you my home number again
just in case you lost it.
339
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,879
- Voicemail is full.
- Damn.
340
00:18:42,988 --> 00:18:46,082
- Package for Brooke Roberts.
- Oh, that's me. Thanks.
341
00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:49,589
Hey, there. Me again.
342
00:18:49,695 --> 00:18:53,426
Your voicemail was full,
so I got you this answering machine.
343
00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:56,626
So, what's going on?
344
00:18:56,735 --> 00:18:59,465
I was thinking about
doing something tonight...
345
00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:00,765
Hey, you're home.
346
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:06,039
Listen, Brian, I want you
to leave me alone, or I'm calling the cops.
347
00:19:07,179 --> 00:19:11,275
Brooke, I'm so in love with you
348
00:19:20,959 --> 00:19:22,483
Chris, where the hell are we?
349
00:19:22,594 --> 00:19:25,825
I told you, Doug, this
is the bacon factory.
350
00:19:26,265 --> 00:19:28,563
Doctor, I need you to get rid of this zit.
351
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:31,261
- You traitor!
- That's a doozy.
352
00:19:31,370 --> 00:19:34,066
I bet some of those awful kids at school
call you zit-face.
353
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,173
- No.
- Pop-a-zit.
354
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:36,240
- No.
- Puspeak.
355
00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:37,308
- No.
- Fat ass?
356
00:19:37,376 --> 00:19:39,276
- Yeah.
- That's terrible.
357
00:19:39,378 --> 00:19:41,471
We're gonna have to use
some cortisone on that.
358
00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:43,946
Oh, yeah? Two can play at that game.
359
00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:47,314
Don't think I won't do it, man.
360
00:19:47,419 --> 00:19:49,785
All right, let's all be cool here.
361
00:19:59,831 --> 00:20:01,264
No!
362
00:20:03,902 --> 00:20:05,096
You okay, fat ass?
363
00:20:07,806 --> 00:20:11,970
She told me she loved me
on what used to be a hit TV show.
364
00:20:12,077 --> 00:20:15,205
I can't believe I got sucked into
that phony reality world...
365
00:20:15,314 --> 00:20:18,545
just like everyone else.
I became the very thing I was mocking.
366
00:20:18,650 --> 00:20:21,517
I know it hurts now, Brian,
but look at the bright side.
367
00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:24,646
You have some new material
for that novel you've been writing.
368
00:20:24,756 --> 00:20:27,554
You know, the novel
you've been working on.
369
00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:31,587
You know, the one
you've been working on for three years.
370
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,626
You know, the novel.
371
00:20:34,199 --> 00:20:37,032
You got something new
to write about now, you know.
372
00:20:37,135 --> 00:20:41,037
Maybe a main character
gets into a relationship...
373
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:44,140
then suffers a little heartbreak.
374
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:47,474
Something like
what you've just been through.
375
00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:49,943
Draw from a real-life experience.
376
00:20:50,649 --> 00:20:54,278
Little heartbreak, you know,
work it into the story.
377
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,321
Make those characters
a little more three-dimensional.
378
00:20:58,423 --> 00:21:01,256
A little richer experience for the reader.
379
00:21:01,493 --> 00:21:03,757
Make those second hundred pages...
380
00:21:03,862 --> 00:21:06,524
really keep the reader guessing
what's going to happen.
381
00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:09,226
Some twists and turns. Little epilogue.
382
00:21:10,035 --> 00:21:12,868
Everybody learns the hero's journey
isn't always a happy one.
383
00:21:12,971 --> 00:21:14,666
Yeah, I look forward to reading it.