1 00:00:02,369 --> 00:00:05,600 It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:05,705 --> 00:00:08,799 Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,908 --> 00:00:12,639 But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:15,476 On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,982 --> 00:00:18,815 Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:22,345 Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:22,455 --> 00:00:24,150 All the things that make us 8 00:00:24,257 --> 00:00:25,918 Laugh and cry 9 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:30,827 He's a family guy 10 00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:37,726 Peter, this game night was a great idea. 11 00:00:37,837 --> 00:00:40,032 Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday... 12 00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:41,780 when we went to see The Vagina Monologues. 13 00:00:41,841 --> 00:00:45,971 So, in international news, no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden. 14 00:00:46,079 --> 00:00:49,981 So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly. 15 00:00:51,184 --> 00:00:52,446 Gillooly. 16 00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:58,587 Sorry, I guess that joke was not so fresh, but you know... 17 00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:03,092 Okay, Joe. Right foot, green. 18 00:01:03,196 --> 00:01:05,255 All right, let's do it! 19 00:01:05,465 --> 00:01:07,797 Yes! I am the king! 20 00:01:07,934 --> 00:01:10,903 Thanks for including my civil rights board game... 21 00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:13,234 in the game night rotation, guys. 22 00:01:13,339 --> 00:01:16,399 We're always happy to play Two Decades of Dignity. 23 00:01:16,509 --> 00:01:19,034 It makes us all feel a little less guilty. 24 00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:24,055 For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. 25 00:01:24,117 --> 00:01:26,244 Man, does anyone ever win at this game? 26 00:01:26,352 --> 00:01:30,049 You don't win. You just do a little better each time. 27 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,518 Okay, everybody, time for paintball. 28 00:01:33,626 --> 00:01:35,321 I forgot to pick up the paintball guns. 29 00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:38,864 Well, we could use these. I brought them from the office. 30 00:01:39,566 --> 00:01:42,501 Peter, is it safe to be firing real guns at each other in the house? 31 00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:45,799 All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared. 32 00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:47,969 All right, one, two, three, go! 33 00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:01,218 Missed, you ass. 34 00:02:02,388 --> 00:02:04,549 - Damn it, Peter, that hurt. - Relax, Quagmire. 35 00:02:04,657 --> 00:02:07,717 You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of RoboCop. 36 00:02:10,763 --> 00:02:14,028 Well, now that the mess is cleaned up and we're back from the emergency room... 37 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,796 it's time for the last game of the night, Trivial Pursuit. 38 00:02:16,903 --> 00:02:20,498 Man, I hate Trivial Pursuit. Always makes me feel so stupid. 39 00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:23,269 More stupid than that time you locked your keys out of the car? 40 00:02:23,676 --> 00:02:24,676 Damn it! 41 00:02:24,944 --> 00:02:28,345 Hey! Hey! Somebody! Hey! 42 00:02:28,515 --> 00:02:31,507 Hey, sir! Sir, you see those keys there? Sir! 43 00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:33,015 Oh, screw you! 44 00:02:42,762 --> 00:02:44,252 All right, Brian, this one's for you. 45 00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:48,926 "What naturally occurring element has the highest melting point of all metals?" 46 00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:51,328 - Cadmium? - Sorry, tungsten. 47 00:02:51,638 --> 00:02:52,982 Dumb ass. My turn. What do you got? 48 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:56,442 Okay, here we go. "What color is a fire truck?" 49 00:02:56,943 --> 00:02:58,706 Oh, God, I always get these. 50 00:02:58,878 --> 00:03:00,937 Okay, all right, fire truck. 51 00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:05,608 Fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, what color are those red fire trucks? 52 00:03:06,052 --> 00:03:08,543 Oh, God, I can picture them now, all red and everything. 53 00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:10,953 That's right, Peter, they are red. 54 00:03:11,057 --> 00:03:12,251 Lois, what are you doing? 55 00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:14,986 I switched Peter's questions to the pre-school edition. 56 00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:16,561 Just to let him have his moment. 57 00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:20,463 Good thing I just watched that National Geographic special on fire trucks. 58 00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:24,194 A solitary killer, the fire truck stalks its prey. 59 00:03:40,853 --> 00:03:44,345 The fire truck can consume eight times its body weight. 60 00:03:47,994 --> 00:03:50,326 The ambulances will have to wait their turn. 61 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:54,666 Okay, Brian, "Name the 16th century ecumenical body... 62 00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:57,759 "that marked a major turning point for Christianity in Europe." 63 00:03:57,870 --> 00:04:00,100 I think that was the Council of Trent. 64 00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:03,238 You could not be more wrong. 65 00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:05,205 The answer is Phyllis Diller. 66 00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:07,438 - Peter, you're reading the pink... - My turn. 67 00:04:07,547 --> 00:04:09,538 Okay, Peter, this is for the win. 68 00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:11,947 "Say the word 'what. "' 69 00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:15,752 Wow. Okay. 70 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,851 This really separates the men from the boys. 71 00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:25,127 Peter, just say "what." 72 00:04:25,231 --> 00:04:29,167 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, now, Lois. This is not a race. 73 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:32,131 Okay, I wanna say "who." 74 00:04:33,806 --> 00:04:35,000 Oh, boy. 75 00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:36,808 Fantastic Four. 76 00:04:37,377 --> 00:04:42,314 Fantastic Four, steak, steak, steak, steak, a small amount of peas. 77 00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:44,483 Is it "what?" 78 00:04:44,584 --> 00:04:47,553 That's right. You win, Peter. You did it. 79 00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:49,918 Oh, my God! I won. I won! 80 00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:51,581 My dad's smarter than your dad. 81 00:04:51,691 --> 00:04:55,559 - We have the same dad, idiot. - Yeah, but mine's smarter. 82 00:04:55,662 --> 00:04:56,890 What a feeling. 83 00:04:56,996 --> 00:04:59,863 This is even better than that time I met Timer the Cheese Guy. 84 00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:02,992 I hanker for a hunk of A slab or slice or chunk of 85 00:05:03,102 --> 00:05:05,297 I hanker for a hunk of cheese 86 00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:08,704 When your get-up-and-go has got up and went 87 00:05:09,609 --> 00:05:10,701 Howdy, pardner. 88 00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:12,675 Pardon me, sir. I live next door. 89 00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:16,111 It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired. 90 00:05:16,215 --> 00:05:17,705 Look, a wagon wheel. 91 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:19,017 What the hell is your problem? 92 00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:20,779 I just smoked a whole bunch of crack. 93 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,652 Good night, losers. 94 00:05:23,389 --> 00:05:25,084 Well, game night was a success. 95 00:05:25,191 --> 00:05:28,058 Peter, you do know that all your questions were incredibly easy. 96 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,789 Yeah, easy for me. Good night, morons. 97 00:05:31,364 --> 00:05:33,958 You ever stop and think, "Wow, I'm married to that guy"? 98 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:35,500 No, I just repress it. 99 00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:38,434 - Is that healthy? - What's the worst that could happen? 100 00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:40,105 I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor 101 00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:42,436 I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor 102 00:05:42,542 --> 00:05:44,601 I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor 103 00:05:44,777 --> 00:05:46,301 Oh, oh, oh, I'm a tumor 104 00:05:48,514 --> 00:05:52,177 The administration's plan for peace in the Middle East is shallow and pedantic. 105 00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:55,118 I agree. Shallow and pedantic. 106 00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:58,082 I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic. 107 00:06:00,993 --> 00:06:02,358 Everything all right. Peter? 108 00:06:02,462 --> 00:06:05,920 Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. 109 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:08,032 What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... 110 00:06:08,134 --> 00:06:10,068 just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? 111 00:06:10,169 --> 00:06:11,169 Perhaps. 112 00:06:11,237 --> 00:06:13,432 Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter. 113 00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:15,150 As a matter of fact, let's make it official. 114 00:06:15,174 --> 00:06:17,233 You ever heard of the MacArthur genius grant? 115 00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:18,343 Perhaps. 116 00:06:18,411 --> 00:06:20,038 Well, if you qualify as a genius... 117 00:06:20,146 --> 00:06:22,580 the Foundation will give you a $500,000 grant... 118 00:06:22,682 --> 00:06:24,360 just to sit around and do whatever you want. 119 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:28,150 Wow! Imagine what a genius like me could do with all that money. 120 00:06:28,354 --> 00:06:30,822 All right, Cloris Leachman, I've bought you legally. 121 00:06:30,923 --> 00:06:32,185 Now juggle these beanbags. 122 00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:33,553 I don't know how to juggle... 123 00:06:33,659 --> 00:06:35,299 God help you, Cloris! Juggle the beanbags! 124 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:41,556 You may begin your exam now. 125 00:06:47,173 --> 00:06:48,800 A dog says... 126 00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:52,902 A cow says... 127 00:06:55,314 --> 00:06:56,645 Of course, of course. 128 00:06:58,217 --> 00:07:01,516 Well, here they are, Brian. My test results. Read them and weep. 129 00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:04,047 Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. 130 00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:06,148 In fact, you're mentally retarded. 131 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,951 Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally retarded guy... 132 00:07:09,061 --> 00:07:12,087 have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house... 133 00:07:12,198 --> 00:07:14,462 in celebration of his fantastic test results? 134 00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,001 Maybe. 135 00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:17,135 Uh-oh. 136 00:07:18,538 --> 00:07:20,665 Congratulations. 137 00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:28,944 So, as you can see, you are just over the line of mental retardation. 138 00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:30,488 Don't you mean, just under the line? 139 00:07:30,550 --> 00:07:32,450 The day I'm corrected by a... 140 00:07:32,752 --> 00:07:36,347 I'm sorry. Just please trust the analysis. 141 00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:39,185 Hello. Sally? 142 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,782 Hey, it's Peter Griffin. 143 00:07:40,893 --> 00:07:44,294 That's right, senior prom. Yeah. Yeah, it's been a while, yeah. 144 00:07:44,497 --> 00:07:46,362 So, listen. 145 00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:48,395 I just found out I'm retarded. 146 00:07:48,501 --> 00:07:51,664 And I'm just calling to let you know... 147 00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:54,833 you might want to get yourself tested. 148 00:07:56,442 --> 00:07:57,534 Hello? 149 00:07:57,844 --> 00:08:00,677 Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born. 150 00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:03,840 It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting? 151 00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:06,282 Well, excuse me for being retarded. 152 00:08:06,385 --> 00:08:08,410 My whole world has been turned upside down. 153 00:08:08,521 --> 00:08:10,011 Black is east, up is white. 154 00:08:10,122 --> 00:08:14,252 You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... 155 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:18,262 yeah! In your... face, ! 156 00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:21,993 I'm sorry about that. 157 00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:25,730 I can't believe this is happening to me. I can never go back to school again. 158 00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:27,237 Oh, yes, Meg, yes. 159 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,638 Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. 160 00:08:29,742 --> 00:08:32,609 Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. 161 00:08:32,712 --> 00:08:36,239 Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces... 162 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:39,045 or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. 163 00:08:39,151 --> 00:08:40,448 No, no, no, it's this. 164 00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:43,181 Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight. 165 00:08:43,389 --> 00:08:45,357 Peter, you're still you. 166 00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:47,458 No piece of paper from the city is gonna tell me... 167 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,790 you're any different from the man I married. 168 00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:51,736 And your life's not gonna change because of it. 169 00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:53,865 What is that? 170 00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:57,797 Oh, my God, what are they doing? 171 00:08:57,904 --> 00:09:00,771 Why are they trying to publicly humiliate me like this? 172 00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:03,535 I mean, what's the purpose... Shiny red ball. 173 00:09:04,410 --> 00:09:05,968 Peter, watch out! 174 00:09:09,148 --> 00:09:10,428 So what can I do for you, Peter? 175 00:09:10,516 --> 00:09:13,383 Well, Joe, I need to talk to you about something kind of personal. 176 00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:15,351 - Shoot. - Well, you know, I took this test... 177 00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:19,914 and it sort of turns out that I'm technically mentally retarded. 178 00:09:20,192 --> 00:09:22,888 And, you know, I just wanted to ask... 179 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:25,030 you know, how do you deal with it? 180 00:09:25,164 --> 00:09:27,758 - Deal with what? - You know, with being retarded. 181 00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:30,233 Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped. 182 00:09:30,336 --> 00:09:31,803 Now you're just splitting hairs. 183 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,935 Hi, Cleveland 184 00:09:36,042 --> 00:09:37,532 Hi, Joseph 185 00:09:37,643 --> 00:09:41,443 What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird? 186 00:09:41,547 --> 00:09:43,538 Have you heard? Peter Griffin is slow 187 00:09:43,649 --> 00:09:46,914 Can he still drive a car? Can he drink at a bar? 188 00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:50,284 Will they let him have kids? Is his life on the skids? 189 00:09:50,389 --> 00:09:53,825 Hello, Mrs. Griffin, it's your neighbor, Quagmire 190 00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:57,623 Now that Peter's mental You probably have some needs 191 00:09:58,097 --> 00:10:01,430 He's retarded Peter is 192 00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:04,799 He's retarded Peter is 193 00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:09,534 He's retarded Peter is slow 194 00:10:12,378 --> 00:10:13,743 Griffin. Party of two. 195 00:10:13,846 --> 00:10:16,076 Mr. Griffin, we've been expecting you. 196 00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:18,980 Peter, relax. It's for liability reasons. 197 00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:20,916 Now, let's just try to enjoy our meal. 198 00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:23,301 I kind of get the helmet. But what's with the water wings? 199 00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:24,687 Well, you did order the soup. 200 00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,815 Like something could happen... 201 00:10:26,926 --> 00:10:30,828 Get me out! 202 00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:34,829 These water wings didn't help at all. 203 00:10:35,835 --> 00:10:37,666 This is the worst day of my life. 204 00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:40,364 Now, there are plenty of people who have had worse days. 205 00:10:43,843 --> 00:10:46,641 A parking ticket. I was gone five minutes. 206 00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:49,974 How could this day get any worse? 207 00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:54,047 Oh, my God. 208 00:10:56,555 --> 00:10:57,647 Oh, no! 209 00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:02,819 I wish I could just close my eyes and make all this go away. 210 00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:04,520 Peter, look out! 211 00:11:05,097 --> 00:11:06,189 Holy crap! 212 00:11:06,966 --> 00:11:07,990 Oh, my God! 213 00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:09,431 Mr. Tucker, are you all right? 214 00:11:09,535 --> 00:11:12,834 Do I look like I'm all right? My back is broken and my leg is twisted! 215 00:11:12,938 --> 00:11:15,168 Oh, my God! Your hooker's dead. 216 00:11:15,274 --> 00:11:17,606 Well, she was already dead, but that doesn't excuse... 217 00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:19,974 Wait a minute. You're Peter Griffin, the retarded fellow. 218 00:11:20,079 --> 00:11:22,070 - Yeah. - Well, then don't worry about it. 219 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,672 Wait a minute. You mean you're not even gonna call the cops? 220 00:11:24,784 --> 00:11:28,015 Oh, my God. I could get away with anything. 221 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:32,084 "And on the sixth day, God said: 222 00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:35,092 "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and... "' 223 00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:36,593 Bible fight! 224 00:11:40,666 --> 00:11:42,793 - Sorry. Retarded. - That's okay then. 225 00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:46,538 - Don't know any better. - Bless your heart. 226 00:11:48,007 --> 00:11:50,100 Jeez, didn't you hear me a second ago? I'm retarded. 227 00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:52,343 You're just curious. 228 00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:55,003 Well, let me show you how everything works down there. 229 00:11:58,017 --> 00:11:59,017 Hey, everyone. 230 00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:02,521 Say hello to my state-appointed inspirational social worker, Vern. 231 00:12:02,621 --> 00:12:04,099 It's truly a pleasure to meet you all. 232 00:12:04,123 --> 00:12:07,524 Hey, Peter, looks like you've got yourself one super family. 233 00:12:07,626 --> 00:12:10,094 High five! All right! 234 00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:15,194 So, Vern, what exactly is it that you do? 235 00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:17,997 I'm here to lend a hand to my main man, Peter. 236 00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:19,366 - Right, Peter? - Right. 237 00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:21,838 High five! All right! 238 00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:23,975 Done. 239 00:12:24,643 --> 00:12:26,474 - Peter! - What? I don't know any better. 240 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,240 Peter, I don't like this. 241 00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:31,111 You are really starting to take advantage of this whole situation. 242 00:12:31,217 --> 00:12:32,980 Peter's just expressing himself. 243 00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:35,019 High five for expressing yourself, Peter. 244 00:12:35,121 --> 00:12:36,918 High five! All right! 245 00:12:39,391 --> 00:12:42,827 This man seems bent on diluting the already watered-down significance... 246 00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:44,259 of the elevated hand slap. 247 00:12:44,363 --> 00:12:46,331 - Hey, Stewie, high five. - Well, it's about time. 248 00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:47,524 - Psych. - Damn! 249 00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:50,329 I look even more foolish than when I was at that cocktail party. 250 00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:53,663 All right, you're gonna love this. So... Hang on a sec. 251 00:13:07,419 --> 00:13:10,547 Okay, so these two black guys walk into a bar, and the bartender looks... 252 00:13:10,656 --> 00:13:12,000 Hey, what are you guys talking about? 253 00:13:12,024 --> 00:13:14,049 I was just telling a joke. 254 00:13:14,693 --> 00:13:17,457 So, the bartender looks around and says: 255 00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:19,827 "What'll you two fine gentlemen have?" 256 00:13:20,099 --> 00:13:24,468 And they paid their tab and couldn't have been more courteous. 257 00:13:26,071 --> 00:13:29,529 All right, my first trip to a fast-food joint as a retarded guy. 258 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,940 Excuse me, pardon me, coming through. Special needs. 259 00:13:32,044 --> 00:13:34,604 Yeah, I'll have a... Is this thing on? 260 00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:39,580 Attention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. 261 00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:40,845 Give me that. 262 00:13:40,953 --> 00:13:45,151 Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? 263 00:13:45,357 --> 00:13:48,121 It's all whiney and nasally. 264 00:13:48,227 --> 00:13:50,027 You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food. 265 00:13:50,129 --> 00:13:53,098 - Peter, get back here. - No freaking way. 266 00:13:53,265 --> 00:13:56,428 The fryolator. I am so taking this. 267 00:14:00,539 --> 00:14:03,474 Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask. 268 00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:05,908 Rocky, I don't even know what you look like. 269 00:14:06,278 --> 00:14:09,008 - Can I touch your face? - Of course, Diana. 270 00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:10,741 Oh, God. 271 00:14:11,383 --> 00:14:13,749 Oh, God. What is this? 272 00:14:15,054 --> 00:14:16,578 What is all this? 273 00:14:16,755 --> 00:14:19,121 Am I touching the outside of a house? 274 00:14:19,291 --> 00:14:22,089 Oh, God! You're a monster. 275 00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:23,821 I'm beautiful on the inside. 276 00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:26,022 Yeah, but, Rocky, there's a limit. 277 00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:30,925 What is this now? Does your face have a pelvis? 278 00:14:32,738 --> 00:14:35,798 Oh, God, what have I done? I'm the worst husband ever. 279 00:14:35,908 --> 00:14:37,637 Make that the worst father ever. 280 00:14:37,743 --> 00:14:40,906 Hi, I'm Agent Jessup from Child Services. I'm here to take your kids away. 281 00:14:41,013 --> 00:14:42,071 What? Why? 282 00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:44,581 Because you're mentally unfit to take care of them. 283 00:14:44,683 --> 00:14:45,683 No way! 284 00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:46,877 - Oh, my God. - Finally. 285 00:14:50,522 --> 00:14:52,547 I can't believe they took the kids away. 286 00:14:52,658 --> 00:14:54,894 Well, at least Cleveland offered to take care of them. 287 00:14:56,428 --> 00:15:00,990 Sorry you have to share a bed, boys. I'm a little short on space. 288 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:02,590 Have a good sleep. 289 00:15:03,802 --> 00:15:05,030 Hey, Chris... 290 00:15:05,371 --> 00:15:07,305 whatever happened to Geena Davis? 291 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:10,872 She used to be in movies, but she's not in movies anymore. 292 00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:12,341 She's attractive enough... 293 00:15:12,444 --> 00:15:14,935 but when she smiles, you see too much gum. 294 00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:17,377 Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio. 295 00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:19,376 Chris? 296 00:15:20,052 --> 00:15:21,849 I'll tell you tomorrow. 297 00:15:22,888 --> 00:15:25,186 Thanks for letting my friends sleep over, Mr. Brown. 298 00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:26,417 No problem, Meg. 299 00:15:26,525 --> 00:15:30,017 If y'all get hungry, there's some cottage cheese in the fridge. 300 00:15:30,162 --> 00:15:33,757 I'm gonna get me a spoonful now before y'all have at it. 301 00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:36,630 Oh, my God. Craig Hoffman's new car is so cool. 302 00:15:36,735 --> 00:15:38,794 Oh, my God. Totally. I love the color. 303 00:15:38,904 --> 00:15:40,394 Really? What color is it? 304 00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:42,303 It's like blue, kind of blue-green. 305 00:15:42,741 --> 00:15:44,606 It's the same color as his eyes. 306 00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:47,645 Wow. I bet he looks so hot driving it. 307 00:15:47,746 --> 00:15:49,179 I heard he bought it from his dad. 308 00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:51,647 Yeah, I remember his dad dropped him off at school in it... 309 00:15:51,750 --> 00:15:53,240 one time when he was a freshman. 310 00:15:53,352 --> 00:15:55,411 - Doesn't his dad live in Hartford? - I think so. 311 00:15:55,521 --> 00:15:57,045 My aunt Sheila lives in Hartford. 312 00:15:57,156 --> 00:15:59,920 They have a mall there that's pretty cool. It's part underground. 313 00:16:00,025 --> 00:16:01,356 That's awesome. 314 00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,428 Damn it, you guys are boring the crap out of me. 315 00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:05,394 It's stupid, mindless chatter, is what it is. 316 00:16:05,497 --> 00:16:06,577 You know what I'm gonna do? 317 00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:09,157 I'm just gonna go back to my place and rent a dirty movie. 318 00:16:09,268 --> 00:16:10,963 This is ridiculous. 319 00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:14,697 That was weird. Oh, well. Hey, let's compare breasts. 320 00:16:17,209 --> 00:16:19,302 Lois? Hey, how you doing, honey? 321 00:16:19,445 --> 00:16:21,538 Listen, there's no toilet paper in the bathroom... 322 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,137 so, I'm just gonna... 323 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:24,816 There we go. 324 00:16:28,087 --> 00:16:30,715 Oh, God. Hang on! 325 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,951 The doctors still don't know how much longer she's gonna have to be here. 326 00:16:34,059 --> 00:16:35,321 I feel horrible, Brian. 327 00:16:35,427 --> 00:16:38,055 I put Lois in the hospital, and I lost the kids. 328 00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:40,927 This is turning out worse than Stewie's iPod commercial. 329 00:16:52,478 --> 00:16:54,810 Peter, you just need to show what a good father you are. 330 00:16:54,913 --> 00:16:56,713 Then you can get the kids back from Cleveland. 331 00:16:56,815 --> 00:16:58,646 Wait a second, Brian. You're right. 332 00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:02,380 And the best way to do that is to show what a terrible father Cleveland is. 333 00:17:02,488 --> 00:17:05,480 This plan is so perfect, it's retarded. 334 00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:10,352 Good evening. I'm Dan Rather. 335 00:17:10,462 --> 00:17:12,896 And tonight on CBS News... 336 00:17:12,998 --> 00:17:15,432 seven Saudi soldiers sodomize... 337 00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:19,766 several of Saddam's southern settlement squatters. 338 00:17:27,646 --> 00:17:28,738 I'm Dan Rather. 339 00:17:29,181 --> 00:17:31,274 All right, come on, ladies. Right this way. 340 00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:33,749 This'll show them that Cleveland's not fit to be a parent. 341 00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:36,878 So, tell me, is there any tread left on the tires at all? 342 00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:40,254 Or at this point, would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway? 343 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:42,224 Oh, my Lord. Look who's here. 344 00:17:42,327 --> 00:17:45,023 Agent Jessup, look at all these prostitutes. 345 00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:48,224 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven 346 00:17:48,467 --> 00:17:50,662 Seven. Seven prostitutes. 347 00:17:50,769 --> 00:17:52,259 This is a shakedown. 348 00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:54,100 Mr. Griffin, this isn't going to work. 349 00:17:54,206 --> 00:17:57,573 Yeah. Peter, you and five of those prostitutes, get out. 350 00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:03,578 So, in conclusion, Peter Griffin, you've inspired me... 351 00:18:03,849 --> 00:18:06,113 to distrust all mentally challenged parents. 352 00:18:06,218 --> 00:18:07,218 Thank you, Your Honor. 353 00:18:07,319 --> 00:18:10,720 And thank you, Agent Jessup, for your comically misleading remarks. 354 00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:13,815 Mr. Griffin, do you have anything to say in your defense... 355 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:16,986 as to why this court should return custody of your children to you? 356 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:20,065 Your Honor, I would like to call to the stand my surprise witness... 357 00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:22,133 The Ghost That Never Lies. 358 00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:26,076 But I'm the only one who can see him and hear him... 359 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,185 so I'll let everyone know what he's saying and doing. 360 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,367 Objection, Your Honor. This is ridiculous. 361 00:18:30,476 --> 00:18:32,171 Overruled. I'll allow it. 362 00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:34,768 You better be going somewhere with this, Mr. Griffin. 363 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,142 Thank you, Your Honor. 364 00:18:36,248 --> 00:18:37,875 Ghost That Never Lies... 365 00:18:37,983 --> 00:18:41,282 did you witness the events that took place on that fateful day? 366 00:18:41,653 --> 00:18:43,951 You did? Well, how interesting. 367 00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:47,989 And, do you see the culprit or culprits in this courtroom today? 368 00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:49,420 You do? 369 00:18:49,828 --> 00:18:53,525 Well, would you kindly point him or them out for this court? 370 00:18:53,932 --> 00:18:55,763 Don't point at me, you jackass! 371 00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:58,598 Well, if there's nothing further, I hereby sentence... 372 00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:01,298 Wait, wait, wait. Your Honor, there is something further. 373 00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:03,601 Look, I know I screwed up big time. 374 00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:05,973 But I only did it so I could get my kids back. 375 00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:07,078 I love them. 376 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,580 And I think it's a bum rap that just because I'm retarded... 377 00:19:09,681 --> 00:19:11,148 that makes me an unfit parent. 378 00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:14,048 There are plenty of unfit parents out there who aren't retarded... 379 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,363 but they get to keep their kids. 380 00:19:15,387 --> 00:19:19,153 Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford. I think the Ramseys still got one left. 381 00:19:19,258 --> 00:19:22,421 I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. 382 00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:23,528 What do you say? 383 00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:25,563 Are you kidding? You're a monster. 384 00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:27,427 In fact, if I could... 385 00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:31,466 I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. 386 00:19:31,570 --> 00:19:34,903 Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people... 387 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,907 for a pre-determined period of time... 388 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,307 based on the nature and degree of your offense. 389 00:19:39,411 --> 00:19:42,346 Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. 390 00:19:42,447 --> 00:19:45,075 So I have no choice but to set you free. 391 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,549 Does that mean I get my kids back? 392 00:19:46,652 --> 00:19:48,586 Absolutely not. Case closed. 393 00:19:48,687 --> 00:19:49,711 Oh, crap! 394 00:19:50,155 --> 00:19:52,282 It was prison you were thinking of. Prison. 395 00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:53,983 I already banged the hammer. 396 00:19:56,528 --> 00:19:58,553 And now, back to Jake and the Fatman. 397 00:19:58,664 --> 00:20:01,690 Hey, look over here on the carpet. That's a cigarette butt. 398 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,791 This is probably evidence. 399 00:20:06,471 --> 00:20:09,406 What do you think was in that Danish? 400 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,476 You think it was cheese? 401 00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:16,340 'Cause I got a little problem with cheese. 402 00:20:16,448 --> 00:20:19,349 Hey, I'm talking about evidence here. There's lipstick on it. 403 00:20:19,451 --> 00:20:22,545 Yeah, well, can you bring it over to me? 404 00:20:22,654 --> 00:20:25,054 I can't move it. This is a crime scene. 405 00:20:26,925 --> 00:20:28,893 Well, can you describe it to me? 406 00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:31,254 You know what? Forget it. I'll take care of this, okay? 407 00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:34,663 Oh, no. Just... 408 00:20:38,203 --> 00:20:39,864 Just let me close my eyes for a minute. 409 00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:42,167 Look, I know his wife is a smoker. 410 00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:44,606 Just yesterday, when we saw her at the country club... 411 00:20:44,710 --> 00:20:47,270 she had a cigarette in her hand. 412 00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:54,410 What, so that's it, Peter? You're just giving up? 413 00:20:54,519 --> 00:20:56,009 I don't know what else to do, Brian. 414 00:20:56,121 --> 00:20:58,214 I guess we're never gonna be a family again. 415 00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:00,518 - Hi, Peter. - Oh, my God, Lois. 416 00:21:00,659 --> 00:21:02,388 - You're all better. - That's right. 417 00:21:02,494 --> 00:21:05,657 And the doctors say I'll smell like French fries for the next six months. 418 00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:06,764 I'll enjoy that. 419 00:21:06,865 --> 00:21:09,425 And, Peter, I got a surprise for you. 420 00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:10,660 You got the kids back. 421 00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:14,261 I love you so much, delicious French-fry wife. 422 00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:17,809 Now we can live with you again even though you're a dangerous retard. 423 00:21:17,909 --> 00:21:21,310 Don't say "retard," Chris. We prefer to be called "little people." 424 00:21:21,413 --> 00:21:24,075 Because there's nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. 425 00:21:24,182 --> 00:21:26,912 In fact, I've learned that we are superior people. 426 00:21:27,019 --> 00:21:29,317 Above all you dumb brainy smarties. 427 00:21:29,421 --> 00:21:32,788 Someday, you will beg us for mercy and we will consider it. 428 00:21:32,891 --> 00:21:36,190 Isn't it wonderful that everything's back to normal? 429 00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:37,295 Yeah. 430 00:21:37,429 --> 00:21:39,056 Oh, God. Nobody move. 431 00:21:39,164 --> 00:21:41,500 - What is it? - Nothing. Nothing. I'll get it.