1
00:00:03,949 --> 00:00:07,451
¶ is violence in movies
and sex on tv ¶
2
00:00:07,519 --> 00:00:10,488
¶ but where are those
good old-fashioned values ¶
3
00:00:10,556 --> 00:00:14,158
¶ on which we used to rely? ¶
4
00:00:14,226 --> 00:00:17,428
¶ lucky there's a family guy ¶
5
00:00:17,496 --> 00:00:20,865
¶ lucky there's a man
who positively can do ¶
6
00:00:20,933 --> 00:00:22,466
¶ all the things that make us ¶
7
00:00:22,534 --> 00:00:23,834
¶ laugh and cry ¶
8
00:00:23,902 --> 00:00:29,466
¶ he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ¶
9
00:00:28,373 --> 00:00:31,475
Sync By YesCool
www.addic7ed.com
10
00:00:36,582 --> 00:00:39,116
Oh, I am so excited
for stewie's first play.
11
00:00:39,184 --> 00:00:40,585
Don't you think
it's a little soon
12
00:00:40,652 --> 00:00:42,453
For a musical
about terri schiavo?
13
00:00:42,521 --> 00:00:43,421
Or too late?
14
00:00:43,488 --> 00:00:52,863
Shh, it's starting.
(monitor beeping) (ventilator wheezing)
15
00:00:55,000 --> 00:01:00,338
(clinking rhythmically)
(dripping rhythmically)
16
00:01:02,341 --> 00:01:04,675
(lively tune begins)
17
00:01:06,979 --> 00:01:09,380
Hi, doctor, it's me--
michael schiavo.
18
00:01:09,448 --> 00:01:11,816
- How's my wife doing?
- She's a vegetable.
19
00:01:11,883 --> 00:01:15,186
I hate vegetables.
(laughter)
20
00:01:15,254 --> 00:01:16,754
Don't worry about her,
mr. Schiavo.
21
00:01:16,822 --> 00:01:19,290
She's being kept alive
by medical science.
22
00:01:19,358 --> 00:01:21,058
Gee, look at
all this stuff.
23
00:01:21,126 --> 00:01:22,260
How does it
all work?
24
00:01:22,327 --> 00:01:24,395
Well, I'll tell you.
25
00:01:24,463 --> 00:01:26,564
¶ this one keeps
her liver clean ¶
26
00:01:26,632 --> 00:01:28,633
¶ this one checks her pee ¶
27
00:01:28,700 --> 00:01:31,269
¶ how about this one
over here? ¶
28
00:01:31,336 --> 00:01:33,738
¶ oh, that's just the tv ¶
¶ ha, ha, ha ¶
29
00:01:33,805 --> 00:01:35,806
¶ this one checks
her heart rate ¶
30
00:01:35,874 --> 00:01:37,908
¶ this one checks her veins ¶
31
00:01:37,976 --> 00:01:42,079
¶ and this dispenses gravy
for her mashed potato brains ¶
32
00:01:42,147 --> 00:01:43,481
¶ oh, oh, oh ¶
33
00:01:43,548 --> 00:01:47,251
¶ terri schiavo
is kind of alive-oh ¶
34
00:01:47,319 --> 00:01:49,720
¶ what a lively little bugger ¶
35
00:01:49,788 --> 00:01:52,556
(in deep voice): ¶ maybe
we should just unplug her ¶
36
00:01:52,624 --> 00:01:56,661
¶ terri schiavo
is kind of alive-oh ¶
37
00:01:56,728 --> 00:02:00,031
¶ the most expensive plant
you'll ever see... ¶
38
00:02:01,333 --> 00:02:03,801
Oh, my god, here
comes jared.
39
00:02:03,869 --> 00:02:06,370
Wow, he's in kindergarten.
40
00:02:06,438 --> 00:02:08,072
Hey, so you're the
plug this year?
41
00:02:08,140 --> 00:02:09,073
Hey, jared.
42
00:02:09,141 --> 00:02:10,374
Yeah, I'm the plug.
43
00:02:10,442 --> 00:02:12,243
Yeah, I was the plug
three years in a row.
44
00:02:12,311 --> 00:02:13,344
Like I don't know that?
45
00:02:13,412 --> 00:02:15,012
Everybody knows that,
jared.
46
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,815
Well, listen, don't you try
to be a jared plug, all right?
47
00:02:17,883 --> 00:02:20,718
You just go out there, you be
the best stewie plug you can.
48
00:02:20,786 --> 00:02:22,086
I sure will, jared.
49
00:02:22,154 --> 00:02:23,654
Hey, you got any
gummi bears on you?
50
00:02:23,722 --> 00:02:24,822
No.
51
00:02:24,890 --> 00:02:26,724
It'd be a lot
cooler if you did.
52
00:02:26,792 --> 00:02:28,159
(laughs)
53
00:02:29,628 --> 00:02:31,595
You know, they say
don't meet your heroes,
54
00:02:31,663 --> 00:02:33,798
But they can eat my ass,
because that was awesome!
55
00:02:33,865 --> 00:02:35,266
I don't know, don't you think
56
00:02:35,334 --> 00:02:37,034
It's kind of weird
that he's in kindergarten
57
00:02:37,102 --> 00:02:39,270
And he's still hanging
around kids our age?
58
00:02:39,338 --> 00:02:42,640
Hey, we are
very lucky.
59
00:02:42,708 --> 00:02:44,342
(piano chord plays)
oh, here I go.
60
00:02:44,409 --> 00:02:46,544
¶ there's only
one solution ¶
61
00:02:46,611 --> 00:02:48,879
¶ it's in the
constitution ¶
62
00:02:48,947 --> 00:02:53,084
¶ we've got to
pull the plug... ¶
63
00:02:53,151 --> 00:02:54,218
(gasps)
there he is.
64
00:02:54,286 --> 00:02:55,553
Quick, peter,
grab the video camera.
65
00:02:55,620 --> 00:02:57,121
All right, all right.
66
00:03:06,765 --> 00:03:08,065
What's wrong
with stewie?
67
00:03:08,133 --> 00:03:09,400
I think he has
stage fright.
68
00:03:09,468 --> 00:03:10,868
I think he has
stage fright, peter.
69
00:03:10,936 --> 00:03:12,570
That's what I just
said, I said that.
70
00:03:14,773 --> 00:03:20,745
(sobbing)
71
00:03:20,812 --> 00:03:22,680
Peter (laughs):
Look at stewie.
72
00:03:22,748 --> 00:03:23,914
What a baby.
73
00:03:23,982 --> 00:03:25,182
Aw, no way.
74
00:03:25,250 --> 00:03:27,618
Hey, chris, look,
is that richard dreyfuss?
75
00:03:27,686 --> 00:03:29,653
Oh, for crying out loud.
76
00:03:29,721 --> 00:03:30,721
Hey, dreyfuss,
where you going?
77
00:03:30,789 --> 00:03:31,922
Get back here.
78
00:03:31,990 --> 00:03:33,657
Dreyfuss, what are you
doing here in quahog?
79
00:03:33,725 --> 00:03:35,059
My nephew's in the play.
80
00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:36,627
God, can't you go
anywhere these days
81
00:03:36,695 --> 00:03:37,728
Without these damn paparazzi?
82
00:03:37,796 --> 00:03:38,729
(sighs)
83
00:03:38,797 --> 00:03:39,797
Where you going?
84
00:03:39,865 --> 00:03:41,165
Oh, you going
to the bathroom?
85
00:03:41,233 --> 00:03:43,401
You going to have a close
encounter of the turd kind?
86
00:03:43,468 --> 00:03:44,668
(laughs)
87
00:03:44,736 --> 00:03:46,470
Hey, I think you're going
to need a bigger boat.
88
00:03:46,538 --> 00:03:47,538
(laughs)
89
00:03:47,606 --> 00:03:49,073
These jokes are
for you, peter,
90
00:03:49,141 --> 00:03:51,041
When you watch this tape
in the future.
91
00:03:51,109 --> 00:03:52,410
Hi, future peter.
92
00:03:52,477 --> 00:03:54,879
I'm going to plant a tree
for you when I get home.
93
00:03:54,946 --> 00:03:57,848
Look outside and you'll see
a grown tree.
94
00:03:57,916 --> 00:04:00,351
I'm going to plant a tree
for you when I get home.
95
00:04:00,419 --> 00:04:03,187
Look outside
and you'll see a grown tree.
96
00:04:04,723 --> 00:04:06,190
Eeeeeee!
97
00:04:06,258 --> 00:04:07,958
Now look at your hand.
98
00:04:08,026 --> 00:04:10,528
It's just a nub, 'cause I'm
gonna cut off all the fingers.
99
00:04:10,595 --> 00:04:12,096
Oh, yeah, past peter?
100
00:04:12,164 --> 00:04:14,131
Well, two can play that game.
101
00:04:14,199 --> 00:04:15,132
Take that.
102
00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:16,133
(laughs)
103
00:04:16,201 --> 00:04:17,268
Uh, wait a minute.
104
00:04:20,972 --> 00:04:22,873
How was your bowel movement,
peter?
105
00:04:22,941 --> 00:04:25,009
Eh, I got some, but I didn't
get the troublemaker.
106
00:04:25,076 --> 00:04:27,244
Wait, what time is it?
I got to turn on tmz.
107
00:04:27,312 --> 00:04:31,282
¶ ¶
108
00:04:31,349 --> 00:04:33,451
Announcer:
Rene russo got a little hot
under the collar
109
00:04:33,518 --> 00:04:36,053
When we caught up with her
outside her home in the hills.
110
00:04:36,121 --> 00:04:38,389
Rene, what was it like working
with douglas fairbanks?
111
00:04:38,457 --> 00:04:41,859
Is it true you
were born in 1880?
112
00:04:41,927 --> 00:04:45,830
This is my rassinfrackin' land,
and I don't care what no man
113
00:04:45,897 --> 00:04:49,366
From no tennessee valley
authority says, consarnit!
114
00:04:49,434 --> 00:04:50,568
Why are we watching tmz?
115
00:04:50,635 --> 00:04:51,702
I hate this show.
116
00:04:51,770 --> 00:04:53,003
Keep watching.
117
00:04:53,071 --> 00:04:54,338
So what do you got?
118
00:04:54,406 --> 00:04:56,407
I got richard dreyfuss
coming out of the bathroom
119
00:04:56,475 --> 00:04:58,476
At his nephew's play
in rhode island.
120
00:04:58,543 --> 00:05:00,411
Peter:
Richard, hey, richard.
121
00:05:00,479 --> 00:05:01,779
Hey, can I get
your autograph?
122
00:05:01,847 --> 00:05:02,780
(sighs)
fine.
123
00:05:02,848 --> 00:05:04,248
Do you have a pen and paper?
124
00:05:04,316 --> 00:05:05,416
What do I look like,
a staples?
125
00:05:05,484 --> 00:05:06,750
I don't carry
that stuff around.
126
00:05:06,818 --> 00:05:08,118
Look, I'm sorry,
I can't help you.
127
00:05:08,186 --> 00:05:09,954
Oh, what, you too big
and famous to walk over
128
00:05:10,021 --> 00:05:12,323
To that corner drugstore
and pick up a pen and paper
129
00:05:12,390 --> 00:05:14,225
And possibly
some other groceries I need
130
00:05:14,292 --> 00:05:16,293
And come back and sign
several things for me?
131
00:05:16,361 --> 00:05:17,595
You're a jerk.
132
00:05:17,662 --> 00:05:19,396
That was my
tape, everybody.
133
00:05:19,464 --> 00:05:21,465
I sent that in and
they put it on tv,
134
00:05:21,533 --> 00:05:23,667
Which makes me a
famous journalist.
135
00:05:23,735 --> 00:05:25,402
Journalist?
You're badgering a celebrity
136
00:05:25,470 --> 00:05:27,004
And passing it off
as news.
137
00:05:27,072 --> 00:05:28,105
Yeah, journalist.
138
00:05:28,173 --> 00:05:29,573
And I got a hundred bucks
for it,
139
00:05:29,641 --> 00:05:32,510
Which I used to buy
this $4,000 video camera.
140
00:05:32,577 --> 00:05:35,246
Meet peter griffin,
video paparazzi.
141
00:05:35,313 --> 00:05:37,481
From now on I'm gonna be
right where the action is,
142
00:05:37,549 --> 00:05:39,950
Like my uncle "the guy
in the white hat" griffin.
143
00:05:54,099 --> 00:05:56,033
Stewie, stewie,
how's that oatmeal?
144
00:05:56,101 --> 00:05:58,102
Is it true you're having
an affair with that oatmeal?
145
00:05:58,169 --> 00:05:59,169
What do you say
about the rumors
146
00:05:59,237 --> 00:06:00,271
That you have
a full diaper?
147
00:06:00,338 --> 00:06:01,539
I'm just trying to eat here.
148
00:06:01,606 --> 00:06:03,040
What did you do
to your mother's vagina?
149
00:06:03,108 --> 00:06:04,108
Leave me alone!
150
00:06:04,175 --> 00:06:05,509
How come your feet
are so small?
151
00:06:05,577 --> 00:06:07,111
Is it true you can't say
"spaghetti"?
152
00:06:07,178 --> 00:06:08,746
What about the rumors
that you have cooties?
153
00:06:08,813 --> 00:06:10,548
Is it true you doubled your
weight in the last six months?
154
00:06:10,615 --> 00:06:12,917
(shuddering)
155
00:06:12,984 --> 00:06:14,318
(screams)
156
00:06:14,386 --> 00:06:16,120
Daddy, help me, daddy!
157
00:06:16,187 --> 00:06:18,155
I can't get involved
'cause of journalism.
158
00:06:18,223 --> 00:06:20,591
Tom,
tom tucker, tom!
159
00:06:20,659 --> 00:06:21,759
The news isn't funny.
160
00:06:21,826 --> 00:06:22,993
It's not supposed
to be funny.
161
00:06:23,061 --> 00:06:24,461
Tom, who were you having
dinner with in there?
162
00:06:24,529 --> 00:06:25,896
Was it a guy?
Are you gay?
163
00:06:25,964 --> 00:06:26,897
Someone said
you were gay.
164
00:06:26,965 --> 00:06:27,965
It was me.
165
00:06:28,033 --> 00:06:29,500
Are the rumors
I'm making up true?
166
00:06:29,568 --> 00:06:31,969
Ignore me
if you're gay.
167
00:06:33,171 --> 00:06:34,538
Mayor west,
over here.
168
00:06:34,606 --> 00:06:36,674
What hot spot are you going
to this Friday night?
169
00:06:36,741 --> 00:06:39,009
Oh, I've got
some pretty nifty plans,
170
00:06:39,077 --> 00:06:40,778
My camera-wielding friend.
171
00:06:40,845 --> 00:06:42,246
Yeah?
That's right.
172
00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:45,883
Every Friday night,
I'm a clearance sale area rug.
173
00:06:49,054 --> 00:06:51,188
(muffled):
Boy, I hope somebody buys me.
174
00:06:51,256 --> 00:06:53,791
I'd look swell in their den.
175
00:06:57,429 --> 00:06:59,663
(giggles)
176
00:06:59,731 --> 00:07:01,198
Aw.
177
00:07:01,266 --> 00:07:03,334
Ollie williams, why do you
look so much like will smith?
178
00:07:03,401 --> 00:07:04,635
Hey, will smith,
179
00:07:04,703 --> 00:07:06,503
What was it like to punch
that alien in the face?
180
00:07:06,571 --> 00:07:07,705
Eddie murphy,
what was that whole thing
181
00:07:07,772 --> 00:07:09,340
With you and that
transvestite hooker?
182
00:07:09,407 --> 00:07:10,874
Bernie mac,
how come you died?
183
00:07:10,942 --> 00:07:12,443
Oprah, why are you so fat,
don cheadle?
184
00:07:12,510 --> 00:07:13,377
(thud)
185
00:07:17,649 --> 00:07:19,516
You almost done
in there, peter?
186
00:07:19,584 --> 00:07:22,086
Hang on, lois-- stupid ollie
williams broke my glasses.
187
00:07:22,153 --> 00:07:23,420
I got to put in
my contacts.
188
00:07:23,488 --> 00:07:25,155
By the way,
the repair shop called.
189
00:07:25,223 --> 00:07:27,124
They said
they can't fix your camera.
190
00:07:27,192 --> 00:07:28,592
Well, that's just great,
lois, that's great.
191
00:07:28,660 --> 00:07:30,361
And here I was going
to use the money
192
00:07:30,428 --> 00:07:32,062
To take you to
"can-cun" this winter.
193
00:07:32,130 --> 00:07:33,497
Cancún, peter.
194
00:07:33,565 --> 00:07:35,966
Whoa, whoa, I don't like
ollie any more than you do,
195
00:07:36,034 --> 00:07:37,501
But we are a
21st-century family,
196
00:07:37,569 --> 00:07:39,503
And I will not have
that kind of talk here.
197
00:07:39,571 --> 00:07:40,638
Whatever.
198
00:07:43,675 --> 00:07:44,708
(tv plays)
199
00:07:44,776 --> 00:07:46,210
Griffin, did you call
the distributor
200
00:07:46,277 --> 00:07:48,679
About the...?
201
00:07:48,747 --> 00:07:50,247
What, what's the problem?
202
00:07:50,315 --> 00:07:52,216
(stammers) okay, look, I know
I was watching tv,
203
00:07:52,283 --> 00:07:53,550
But I'll, I'll stay late.
204
00:07:53,618 --> 00:07:55,452
No, that's not it,
griffin.
205
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:58,555
There's, there's something
different about you.
206
00:07:58,623 --> 00:08:00,324
You're not wearing
glasses.
207
00:08:00,392 --> 00:08:02,192
Yeah, they got busted;
I'm wearing contacts.
208
00:08:02,260 --> 00:08:04,862
I can see your eyes
and, and your eyelashes--
209
00:08:04,929 --> 00:08:07,064
They're beautiful.
210
00:08:07,132 --> 00:08:09,099
Who cares? What gives?
211
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:17,741
¶ ¶
212
00:08:17,809 --> 00:08:19,543
(whooshing)
213
00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:37,327
¶ ¶
214
00:08:55,947 --> 00:08:58,415
Griffin, I never
noticed you before.
215
00:08:58,483 --> 00:09:00,417
I like what I see.
216
00:09:00,485 --> 00:09:02,920
Uh, okay.
217
00:09:04,322 --> 00:09:06,657
Oh, no, I dropped
my pencil.
218
00:09:06,725 --> 00:09:07,891
Oh, I'll get it for you.
219
00:09:09,060 --> 00:09:10,627
Yeah, this is gonna
220
00:09:10,695 --> 00:09:12,896
Work out just fine.
221
00:09:12,964 --> 00:09:14,465
(breaks wind)
222
00:09:14,532 --> 00:09:15,833
(chuckling):
Excuse me.
223
00:09:19,822 --> 00:09:22,323
Family,
we need to talk.
224
00:09:22,391 --> 00:09:25,927
Your father was sexually
harassed at work today.
225
00:09:25,995 --> 00:09:26,895
What?
226
00:09:26,962 --> 00:09:27,896
That's right.
227
00:09:27,963 --> 00:09:29,530
Angela grabbed my ass.
228
00:09:29,598 --> 00:09:30,932
So what?
229
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,901
Peter, a woman can't
sexually harass a man.
230
00:09:32,968 --> 00:09:34,335
Why not?
231
00:09:34,403 --> 00:09:36,704
I don't know, it just
doesn't make any sense.
232
00:09:36,772 --> 00:09:39,007
I mean, guys like
being touched by women.
233
00:09:39,074 --> 00:09:41,009
It's not harassment
if you like it.
234
00:09:41,076 --> 00:09:42,477
But I didn't like it.
235
00:09:42,544 --> 00:09:44,245
I got sexually
harassed at school.
236
00:09:44,313 --> 00:09:46,714
My chemistry teacher, mr.
Taylor, rubbed my shoulders
237
00:09:46,782 --> 00:09:49,918
For 35 minutes in class the
one day I didn't wear a bra.
238
00:09:49,985 --> 00:09:52,086
See, peter,
that's harassment.
239
00:09:52,154 --> 00:09:54,389
An older man,
a weak, younger woman.
240
00:09:54,456 --> 00:09:55,823
He could have taken advantage
of her,
241
00:09:55,891 --> 00:09:57,625
Forced her to do
things to him.
242
00:09:57,693 --> 00:09:59,527
He did--
awful things.
243
00:09:59,595 --> 00:10:00,695
See?
244
00:10:00,763 --> 00:10:03,331
But you, it just can't happen.
245
00:10:06,502 --> 00:10:08,503
Griffin, get in here,
246
00:10:08,570 --> 00:10:11,406
And make sure you have on
your new uniform.
247
00:10:11,473 --> 00:10:14,442
Why am I the only one who
has to wear denim shorts?
248
00:10:14,510 --> 00:10:17,078
Because you're the only one
who looks this good in them.
249
00:10:17,146 --> 00:10:20,581
Damn, griffin,
you fill those out nicely.
250
00:10:20,649 --> 00:10:22,216
Why is there a
dusty gas station
251
00:10:22,284 --> 00:10:26,354
And a diet pepsi
machine in your office?
252
00:10:26,422 --> 00:10:28,256
'cause your car broke down,
and you need
253
00:10:28,324 --> 00:10:31,459
To wipe a cold soda
on your neck to cool off.
254
00:10:31,527 --> 00:10:33,461
Well, may-maybe I don't
need to cool off.
255
00:10:33,529 --> 00:10:35,830
Maybe you don't need
to be employed.
256
00:10:43,105 --> 00:10:44,572
It's hot in
here, isn't it?
257
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:45,640
Yes.
258
00:10:45,708 --> 00:10:47,675
You need to cool
off, don't you?
259
00:10:47,743 --> 00:10:49,010
I need to cool off.
260
00:10:49,078 --> 00:10:52,280
You need to wipe your
neck with the soda can.
261
00:10:52,348 --> 00:10:54,615
I need to wipe my neck
with the soda can.
262
00:10:54,683 --> 00:10:55,683
Do it!
263
00:11:01,156 --> 00:11:03,191
Now, get out of
here, you slut.
264
00:11:03,258 --> 00:11:05,226
Okay. Can I keep the soda?
265
00:11:05,294 --> 00:11:06,761
Oh, all right.
266
00:11:06,829 --> 00:11:08,062
Yeah!
267
00:11:20,109 --> 00:11:21,909
Ohhh...
268
00:11:21,977 --> 00:11:23,978
Oh, god.
269
00:11:24,046 --> 00:11:26,914
I really hope there's a
hungry horse back there.
270
00:11:28,751 --> 00:11:30,385
(phone ringing)
271
00:11:30,452 --> 00:11:32,086
Hello?
272
00:11:32,154 --> 00:11:33,721
Oh, hi, angela, hang on.
273
00:11:33,789 --> 00:11:35,156
Peter, it's your boss.
274
00:11:35,224 --> 00:11:36,424
I don't want to
talk to her.
275
00:11:36,492 --> 00:11:37,692
She's gonna harass me.
276
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,794
Oh, don't be such a baby.
277
00:11:39,862 --> 00:11:42,196
I'm sorry, angela,
peter can't talk.
278
00:11:42,264 --> 00:11:43,731
He's upstairs in the shower
279
00:11:43,799 --> 00:11:45,333
Touching himself
to your picture.
280
00:11:45,401 --> 00:11:48,269
Gimme that.
Why are you calling me at home?
281
00:11:48,337 --> 00:11:50,271
I want to hear you breathe.
282
00:11:50,339 --> 00:11:52,306
Breathe into the phone for me,
griffin.
What?
283
00:11:52,374 --> 00:11:54,675
Shh, shh, shh.
Don't talk, just breathe.
284
00:11:54,743 --> 00:11:58,579
It turns me on.
(breathing heavily)
285
00:12:03,786 --> 00:12:05,019
That's it, griffin.
286
00:12:05,087 --> 00:12:08,689
Keep breathing.
God, I'm almost there.
287
00:12:08,757 --> 00:12:12,727
(moans)
Your breath is filling me up.
288
00:12:12,795 --> 00:12:15,463
(mumbling)
I like kangaroos.
289
00:12:15,531 --> 00:12:17,365
Oh, sure you do.
290
00:12:17,433 --> 00:12:21,335
Well, tomorrow, I'm getting you
a kangaroo t-shirt.
291
00:12:24,573 --> 00:12:26,774
And she wants me to come over
to her house tonight
292
00:12:26,842 --> 00:12:28,409
To work on
a "special project."
293
00:12:28,477 --> 00:12:30,611
I know she's gonna make me
have sex with her.
294
00:12:30,679 --> 00:12:32,880
What the hell
am I gonna do?
I don't know, peter.
295
00:12:32,948 --> 00:12:34,982
If you have sex with her,
you give her all the power.
296
00:12:35,050 --> 00:12:36,617
If you don't have sex with her,
you're gay.
297
00:12:36,685 --> 00:12:37,618
You can't win.
298
00:12:37,686 --> 00:12:39,153
I don't want to get fired
299
00:12:39,221 --> 00:12:40,521
And have to look
for another job.
300
00:12:40,589 --> 00:12:41,889
What the hell do I do?
301
00:12:41,957 --> 00:12:43,491
I might be able to
help you, peter.
302
00:12:46,462 --> 00:12:48,362
All right, hurry up, let's
get this over with.
303
00:12:48,430 --> 00:12:50,231
All right, unbutton your shirt
and your pants.
304
00:12:53,936 --> 00:12:55,703
That oughta do it.
Okay, close up.
305
00:12:57,339 --> 00:12:59,107
All right, let me get
lined up right,
306
00:12:59,174 --> 00:13:01,275
So she'll think it's you
she's having sex with.
307
00:13:01,343 --> 00:13:02,877
Wow, that's really clever.
Thanks.
308
00:13:02,945 --> 00:13:04,812
And if you don't feel
like doing lois later,
309
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,581
I can stick around.
(laughs)
310
00:13:06,648 --> 00:13:09,016
Let's-let's just
see how this goes.
311
00:13:09,084 --> 00:13:15,022
(doorbell rings)
- Hello, griffin. - Hello, angela.
312
00:13:15,090 --> 00:13:17,859
You know, angela, I've been
thinking about it,
313
00:13:17,926 --> 00:13:19,927
And I want to have
sex with you now.
314
00:13:19,995 --> 00:13:21,262
Really?
Giggity.
315
00:13:21,330 --> 00:13:22,864
Yeah, but-but I want
to just do it
316
00:13:22,931 --> 00:13:24,198
Through my zipper,
all right?
317
00:13:24,266 --> 00:13:25,967
I-I-I don't want to have
to take off all my clothes,
318
00:13:26,034 --> 00:13:27,135
'cause I'm self-conscious
319
00:13:27,202 --> 00:13:29,170
About my congressman
barney frank body.
320
00:13:29,238 --> 00:13:31,339
Well, I suppose I can
work with that.
321
00:13:33,142 --> 00:13:34,509
Quagmire:
Oh, yuck.
322
00:13:34,576 --> 00:13:39,113
What do you say we go
Into the bedroom? Uh, yeah, sure.
323
00:13:39,181 --> 00:13:42,083
Aw, she's so ugly.
I don't want to get in that.
324
00:13:42,151 --> 00:13:44,051
Peter, I'm-I'm not gonna do it.
Deal's off. Deal's off.
325
00:13:44,119 --> 00:13:45,653
No, it isn't!
Yes, it is.
326
00:13:45,721 --> 00:13:47,855
I'm gonna spread my legs, and
it'll be you doing it, not me.
327
00:13:47,923 --> 00:13:49,423
You better not.
I am.
328
00:13:49,491 --> 00:13:50,825
I'm re-jiggering my position
right now.
329
00:13:50,893 --> 00:13:54,462
Oh, no, you don't!
(both grunting)
330
00:13:54,530 --> 00:13:56,631
What the hell is
going on here?
331
00:14:00,102 --> 00:14:02,436
Hi, angela, I'm peter's friend,
glenn quagmire.
332
00:14:02,504 --> 00:14:05,106
Uh, thank you so much
for having me in your home.
333
00:14:05,174 --> 00:14:06,874
And, um, I would have had sex
with you,
334
00:14:06,942 --> 00:14:08,276
But peter neglected to tell me
335
00:14:08,343 --> 00:14:10,344
That you are a complete
dumpster fire.
336
00:14:10,412 --> 00:14:11,812
(chuckles)
some friend, huh?
337
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,749
Okay, all right,
take it easy.
338
00:14:14,816 --> 00:14:16,751
I am tired of playing games,
griffin.
339
00:14:16,818 --> 00:14:18,753
I mean, let's go.
I have waited long enough.
340
00:14:18,820 --> 00:14:21,455
I'm having sex with you
right now.
341
00:14:21,523 --> 00:14:22,990
No! I don't wanna!
342
00:14:23,058 --> 00:14:26,260
Griffin, you have sex with me,
or you're fired.
343
00:14:26,328 --> 00:14:27,528
Fine! Fire me!
344
00:14:27,596 --> 00:14:29,297
I'm through bein'
harassed by you!
345
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:33,534
You know, this is
awful timing,
346
00:14:33,602 --> 00:14:35,970
But I-I remembered part of
the reason I came over was
347
00:14:36,038 --> 00:14:39,574
'cause my cousin is lookin'
for a job at the brewery.
348
00:14:39,641 --> 00:14:41,809
I'll-I'll just put his
résumé under the door.
349
00:14:47,347 --> 00:14:50,549
- Gimme another one, horace.
- All right, but slow down, peter.
350
00:14:50,617 --> 00:14:52,718
Or else I'm gonna have to get
that lady boss of yours
351
00:14:52,786 --> 00:14:55,320
To come in here and give you
a good shoe to the gift bag.
352
00:14:55,388 --> 00:14:56,522
You know,
keep you in line.
353
00:14:56,589 --> 00:14:59,491
(all laugh)
I'm just kiddin' ya, peter.
354
00:14:59,559 --> 00:15:01,527
You'll find yourself
a new job.
355
00:15:01,594 --> 00:15:05,664
Tv announcer: We now return to robert mitchum
In a backhand for sally.
356
00:15:05,732 --> 00:15:07,633
You're getting
on that train with me.
357
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:10,402
I can't go with you.
I just can't. (gasps)
358
00:15:10,470 --> 00:15:14,506
Okay, I'll go.
Ow! I said I'd go.
359
00:15:14,574 --> 00:15:16,041
Why'd you give me the
back of your hand?
360
00:15:16,109 --> 00:15:17,976
Because I love you.
361
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,815
Wow, I thought
you had to be in the nba
362
00:15:22,882 --> 00:15:24,283
To hit a girl in the face.
363
00:15:24,350 --> 00:15:25,751
But I guess anyone can.
364
00:15:25,819 --> 00:15:28,153
Of course you can hit a girl
in the face.
365
00:15:28,221 --> 00:15:29,888
They have faces, don't they?
366
00:15:29,956 --> 00:15:32,124
Are-are you talkin' to me,
robert mitchum?
367
00:15:32,192 --> 00:15:35,928
You bet your ass I am.
Look at you, you're pathetic.
368
00:15:35,995 --> 00:15:38,397
What kind of a man gets fired
by a broad?
369
00:15:38,465 --> 00:15:41,233
A man with a female boss?
Don't crack wise.
370
00:15:41,301 --> 00:15:44,303
Listen, peter, somewhere along
the line, you got turned around.
371
00:15:44,370 --> 00:15:45,604
You're a man.
372
00:15:45,672 --> 00:15:47,573
And whaddaya think it means
to be a man?
373
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:50,242
Um, it means not gettin'
pushed around.
374
00:15:50,310 --> 00:15:52,111
Exactly.
It means drinkin'
375
00:15:52,178 --> 00:15:54,546
Not because I want to,
but because I need to.
376
00:15:54,614 --> 00:15:56,381
Right!
It means standing up to fart,
377
00:15:56,449 --> 00:15:58,050
Not hidin' it in a pillow,
378
00:15:58,118 --> 00:15:59,585
Or holdin' it in
till your stomach goes...
379
00:15:59,652 --> 00:16:03,489
(growling)
Now you've got it!
380
00:16:03,556 --> 00:16:05,190
Gimme my keys, horace!
381
00:16:05,258 --> 00:16:06,992
I'm going to see my boss!
382
00:16:07,060 --> 00:16:09,027
But, peter, you're drunk!
383
00:16:09,095 --> 00:16:11,096
Horace?
384
00:16:11,164 --> 00:16:13,098
You're right.
This is more important.
385
00:16:13,166 --> 00:16:18,704
(tires screeching)
Angela!
386
00:16:18,771 --> 00:16:22,007
Open up in there!
(motor running)
387
00:16:26,846 --> 00:16:28,680
Oh, my god!
388
00:16:35,388 --> 00:16:36,522
Angela!
389
00:16:36,589 --> 00:16:41,793
Angela, wake up!
What the-- griffin?
390
00:16:41,861 --> 00:16:44,396
Angela, what the hell are you
doin' tryin' to kill yourself?
391
00:16:44,464 --> 00:16:47,232
Oh, why the hell did you
pull me out of there?
392
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:49,201
You shoulda just
left me alone!
393
00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:51,270
That's how I'm gonna
end up, anyway.
394
00:16:51,337 --> 00:16:53,906
What are you talkin' about?
I'm talking about the fact
395
00:16:53,973 --> 00:16:55,674
That I have nothing
to live for.
396
00:16:55,742 --> 00:16:57,276
Sure, you do.
397
00:16:57,343 --> 00:17:00,112
Someday, a white man's gonna
be elected president again.
398
00:17:00,180 --> 00:17:03,615
Griffin, I haven't been with
anyone in ten years.
399
00:17:03,683 --> 00:17:05,517
And when you spurned
my advances,
400
00:17:05,585 --> 00:17:07,186
It was a wakeup call.
401
00:17:07,253 --> 00:17:09,421
No one's ever gonna
love me again.
402
00:17:09,489 --> 00:17:11,056
Wait a minute.
403
00:17:11,124 --> 00:17:13,759
So that's why you been actin'
like such a wacky ass around me?
404
00:17:13,826 --> 00:17:16,595
It's been so long since
I've been with a man,
405
00:17:16,663 --> 00:17:18,897
I don't even remember
what it feels like.
406
00:17:18,965 --> 00:17:20,899
I always imagined
it felt very painful.
407
00:17:20,967 --> 00:17:23,302
You just sorta grit your teeth
and let us do what we want.
408
00:17:23,369 --> 00:17:27,039
I just wish one person was able
to find me attractive.
409
00:17:27,106 --> 00:17:32,044
That's not too much to ask,
is it? - No...
410
00:17:32,111 --> 00:17:34,880
Look, angela, I came
over here to punch you
411
00:17:34,948 --> 00:17:36,548
And maybe kick you
in the boob.
412
00:17:36,616 --> 00:17:38,183
But now I'm all
turned around.
413
00:17:38,251 --> 00:17:39,551
Angela?
414
00:17:39,619 --> 00:17:40,485
Angela?!
Right here.
415
00:17:41,688 --> 00:17:43,855
But now all I want to do
is help you out.
416
00:17:43,923 --> 00:17:45,857
I'll tell you what,
you know that ritzy,
417
00:17:45,925 --> 00:17:47,492
Upscale place
over on third?
418
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:49,094
The stuffy fella?
That's it.
419
00:17:49,162 --> 00:17:52,097
You be at the stuffy fella
tonight around 9:00.
420
00:17:52,165 --> 00:17:55,434
I think I know someone
who might be perfect for you.
421
00:18:03,743 --> 00:18:06,345
Mmm, well, hello.
422
00:18:06,412 --> 00:18:07,646
Good evening, sir.
423
00:18:07,714 --> 00:18:10,549
I am reginald new york
knickerbocker, millionaire.
424
00:18:10,617 --> 00:18:11,650
(sniffing)
425
00:18:11,718 --> 00:18:13,452
Are you serving fish
this evening?
426
00:18:13,519 --> 00:18:14,653
No, sir.
427
00:18:14,721 --> 00:18:16,688
Then I believe
my guest has arrived.
428
00:18:16,756 --> 00:18:21,593
There she is!
You must be angela.
429
00:18:21,661 --> 00:18:23,729
Hi, are you peter's
friend, reginald?
430
00:18:23,796 --> 00:18:25,664
Mmm, indeed I am.
431
00:18:28,167 --> 00:18:31,803
Mmm, what a beautiful shade
of lipstick on those teeth.
432
00:18:31,871 --> 00:18:34,239
Oh, thank you, but that's
just my gums bleeding
433
00:18:34,307 --> 00:18:36,308
From aggressive gingivitis.
434
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:38,910
Mmm, well,
your mouth is too sweet
435
00:18:38,978 --> 00:18:40,679
For your teeth
to want to stay in.
436
00:18:40,747 --> 00:18:42,681
(giggling): Oh.
Yes.
437
00:18:42,749 --> 00:18:44,549
Well, I-I'm just gonna
go to the powder room
438
00:18:44,617 --> 00:18:46,518
And freshen up.
439
00:18:46,586 --> 00:18:48,220
She's eatin' it up.
440
00:18:48,288 --> 00:18:51,189
This is easier than an american
finding his brother in china.
441
00:18:51,257 --> 00:18:52,858
Ron?
442
00:18:52,925 --> 00:18:54,526
Ron, where are you?
443
00:18:54,594 --> 00:18:55,761
Over here, paul!
444
00:18:55,828 --> 00:18:57,062
Oh, good, there you are.
445
00:18:57,130 --> 00:18:58,363
It's pretty here.
446
00:18:58,431 --> 00:18:59,564
Yes, it is.
447
00:19:05,071 --> 00:19:07,306
Mmm, what a
wonderful dinner.
448
00:19:07,373 --> 00:19:08,907
Would you like
some dessert?
449
00:19:08,975 --> 00:19:11,910
Did you bake a pie?
Well, there is a pie.
450
00:19:11,978 --> 00:19:14,212
It's been baking
since I met you.
451
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:17,049
Mmm, gross.
What?Nothing.
452
00:19:17,116 --> 00:19:19,851
You know, angela, there's
something I need to tell you.
453
00:19:19,919 --> 00:19:22,721
My doctor has given me
24 hours to live.
454
00:19:22,789 --> 00:19:24,122
Oh, my god!
455
00:19:24,190 --> 00:19:25,524
No, no, it's quite
all right.
456
00:19:25,591 --> 00:19:29,394
Because I vowed to myself
That I would spend the last night of my life
457
00:19:29,462 --> 00:19:32,397
In the company of the most
beautiful woman in the world.
458
00:19:32,465 --> 00:19:34,766
And that's just what
I have done.
459
00:19:34,834 --> 00:19:38,270
Oh, reginald.
No, no, no.
460
00:19:38,338 --> 00:19:40,739
This is already a perfect
end to a perfect evening.
461
00:19:40,807 --> 00:19:43,542
Good night, my dear.
Reginald...
462
00:19:43,609 --> 00:19:45,744
I want you
to make love to me.
463
00:19:45,812 --> 00:19:47,446
Oh, if only I could,
464
00:19:47,513 --> 00:19:50,315
But I must to a jew to put
my affairs in order.
465
00:19:50,383 --> 00:19:52,651
(sighs) I know what's
going on here.
466
00:19:52,719 --> 00:19:54,252
You don't want
to be with me.
467
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:55,654
You're just like
everybody else.
468
00:19:55,722 --> 00:19:57,055
So-so go, then.
469
00:19:57,123 --> 00:19:59,791
I'm just gonna stay here
and kill myself.
470
00:19:59,859 --> 00:20:02,094
But you can't
kill yourself
471
00:20:02,161 --> 00:20:03,695
Every time somebody won't
sleep with you.
472
00:20:03,763 --> 00:20:04,930
I won't.
473
00:20:04,997 --> 00:20:06,765
Just sleep with me
just this once,
474
00:20:06,833 --> 00:20:08,700
And it'll give me
everything I need.
475
00:20:08,768 --> 00:20:10,202
Sleep with me tonight.
476
00:20:10,269 --> 00:20:12,137
Save my life.
477
00:20:17,009 --> 00:20:19,678
Oh, that was fantastic!
478
00:20:19,746 --> 00:20:21,713
It was exactly
what I needed.
479
00:20:21,781 --> 00:20:24,983
Mmm, well, hopefully there'll
be no more talk of suicide.
480
00:20:25,051 --> 00:20:28,387
Oh, no. I feel better
than I've felt in years.
481
00:20:28,454 --> 00:20:30,489
I have my confidence again.
482
00:20:30,556 --> 00:20:33,525
I'm ready to go back out there
and meet someone.
483
00:20:33,593 --> 00:20:35,527
Well, I'm glad to
be of service.
484
00:20:35,595 --> 00:20:37,929
Oh, just one more thing
before you go.
485
00:20:37,997 --> 00:20:39,398
What's that, my dear?
486
00:20:39,465 --> 00:20:41,700
See you at work on
Monday, griffin.
487
00:20:41,768 --> 00:20:43,869
Huh? Oh, I'm gonna
have to have a word
488
00:20:43,936 --> 00:20:46,505
With rite-aid about
this fake moustache.
489
00:20:49,509 --> 00:20:52,043
Well, I got my job back,
angela's happy again,
490
00:20:52,111 --> 00:20:54,079
And she's not gonna
harass me anymore.
491
00:20:54,147 --> 00:20:55,547
Everything worked out
perfect.
492
00:20:55,615 --> 00:20:56,782
Not really, peter.
493
00:20:56,849 --> 00:20:58,250
Yeah, you cheated
on your wife.
494
00:20:58,317 --> 00:21:00,152
No, I didn't.
I used mort.
495
00:21:00,219 --> 00:21:02,020
Oh, my god,
I forgot about mort!
496
00:21:03,256 --> 00:21:05,123
I want my two dollars!
497
00:21:05,186 --> 00:21:08,286
Sync By YesCool
www.addic7ed.com