1 00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:05,472 It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:08,712 Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:12,236 But where are those Good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:14,834 On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:18,158 Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:21,677 Lucky there's a man who Positively can do 7 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:23,193 All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:24,713 Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:29,829 He's a family guy 10 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:41,868 Aw, I can't wait to see all my old classmates. 11 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,270 This is gonna be so much fun, isn't it, Peter? 12 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,637 Oh, sure. It's a blast being in a room full of people you don't know. 13 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:49,631 I'd rather stay home and watch grass grow. 14 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,598 - Come on, you. Come on. - Hey, Peter. 15 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:54,716 Hey, Joe. Damn it! 16 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:56,233 You're not uncomfortable, are you? 17 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:59,551 Look, I'm just not wild about the idea of running into anybody you used to date. 18 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:00,835 - That's all. - Oh, boy. 19 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:05,039 - Speaking of exes. Here comes one now. - Oh, man. This is what I was afraid of. 20 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,953 If he tries anything, I'm gonna kick him right in the ball... 21 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:11,112 - gina? - Peter, this is Naomi. 22 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,475 Wait. You mean, you two used to, you know... 23 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,108 bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths? 24 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:20,558 Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. 25 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:23,917 No way! My wife messed around with another chick? 26 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:26,640 - Thank you, God! - Don't mention it, Peter. 27 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:31,473 Have fun! 28 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,437 Naomi, I'm so glad you're here. 29 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,875 I haven't seen you in, what, 20 years? 30 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,952 Oh, it's great to see you too, Lois. It really is. 31 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:42,271 You know, the fact is, I came here hoping to run into you. 32 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,271 Really? Well, that's nice. 33 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:47,398 You see, I'd like to propose something to you and your husband. 34 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:50,597 Oh, my God. I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming right now. 35 00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:53,194 Well, of course, Naomi. What did you have in mind? 36 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,590 Well, this really isn't the place to discuss it. 37 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:58,752 It's just something I was wondering if you and your husband... 38 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:01,912 would participate in. - I'm totally dreaming right now. 39 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,992 Well, as long as I'm dreaming, I might as well pee my pants. 40 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:09,432 Well, Naomi, whatever it is, I'm sure we'd be happy to help. 41 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:12,717 Oh, my God. I don't believe it. I'm gonna have a three-way! 42 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:14,836 This even tops sex with a mermaid! 43 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:16,592 - Where is it? - Keep looking. 44 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:19,194 - I can't find it anywhere. - Keep looking. 45 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,032 There's nothing but a fish tail down there. 46 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,668 - Keep looking. - Oh, there we go. 47 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:27,196 - That's not it. - It's gonna be. 48 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:32,992 We now return to Nature with a guy named Terry in it. 49 00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:37,275 The cheetahs will feed through the night. 50 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:41,797 While the strongest made the kill, the oldest will eat first. 51 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,552 And there's Terry. 52 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,359 She's gonna be here any minute. You got to get out. 53 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:47,919 Why do we have to leave, Dad? 54 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:49,957 Because Daddy's gonna have a three-way... 55 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:53,829 with your mother and her friend. Isn't that nice about Daddy's three-way? 56 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:55,513 I had a one-way one time. 57 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:58,154 That was amazing. 58 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:00,470 Sorry I farted in the middle. 59 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:02,437 All right, go on. Beat it, all of you! 60 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:05,990 Peter, you're not gonna be having a three-way. Lois isn't even into women. 61 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,549 She just had one experience in college with that girl, Naomi. 62 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,517 Naomi's the one who's coming. 63 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,229 Let me stay! Let me stay! 64 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,312 - Peter, why are you so antsy? - Because Naomi will be here shortly... 65 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:18,833 and I'm anxious to get started. 66 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:21,468 What do you mean? We don't even know why she's coming. 67 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:24,632 "We don't even know why she's coming." 68 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:25,915 You are so adorable. 69 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,718 - I'm gonna do you second. - Huh? 70 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:34,071 Hi, Naomi. Did you pick up those tear-away panties like I texted you? 71 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,310 I didn't get a text from you. 72 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:38,869 All right. I'm not sure why, but I'll bite. 73 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:41,270 - Hi, Naomi. - Hello, Lois. 74 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,637 - I want you to meet my husband, Dale. - Hi. Nice to meet you, Dale. 75 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:47,917 Dale? All right, I guess. But I'm doing you last. 76 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,957 Joke's on him. I only got two in me. 77 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:53,157 - Lois, this is such a lovely home. - Oh, thank you. 78 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,515 Peter and I did it ourselves on a shoestring. 79 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,875 - Well, you could have fooled me. - Oh, ha, ha. 80 00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:00,873 Well, let me show you around. This here is our living room. 81 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,838 All right, I got a few porn scenarios for you to choose from. 82 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:08,039 Hey, everybody. Got a pizza delivery for this sorority house. 83 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,350 Did somebody order sausage? 84 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:17,200 Peter! What the hell are you doing? Knock it off. 85 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,920 Uh, we brought you some wine, but it's best chilled before dinner. 86 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:23,993 Oh, that is so nice of you. Yeah, let's put it on ice. 87 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:26,958 Oh, you'll have to excuse my kitchen. I've been cooking all... 88 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,476 Girls, I've just finished grading your midterms and it's not good news. 89 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:33,757 Looks like you're gonna have to do some extra credit. 90 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,956 Peter, what the hell? I am so sorry about this. 91 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:42,633 Look, dinner's just about ready. 92 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:46,270 Why don't I get you seated in the dining room and then we'll pour the wine? 93 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,269 All right, new arrivals, there's only one way... 94 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,431 you're not getting on that train. 95 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,155 We got a few hours to kill. What do you want to do? 96 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,232 - Let's get something to eat. - We don't have any money. 97 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:10,110 Pull over there. I'll get us some money. 98 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:13,477 Now, wait. So the white ball has to hit one of the stripy balls? 99 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,551 Yes. How many times you gonna ask me that? 100 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,712 I don't know. I'm just a baby. All right, so I guess I'II, um... 101 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:20,472 - What is it you call it? - Break. 102 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:22,835 Break. Right, break. 103 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:28,471 Oh, my God! Beginner's luck, huh? 104 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:31,359 Start the car! Start the car! Go, go, go! 105 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:33,750 - We been hustled! - Nobody says that anymore. 106 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:36,275 - What would you call it? - I wouldn't comment on it. 107 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,032 We know what happened. 108 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:43,837 And so I went into corporate finance, and that's where I met Dale. 109 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,560 Six months later, I was asking her to marry me. 110 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:47,994 What took me so long, right? 111 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,073 All right. We're running out of time. 112 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,674 - We gonna get this orgy started or what? - What? 113 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:56,354 We are running out of time. 114 00:05:56,520 --> 00:06:01,753 Are we going to get this orgy started or what? 115 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,309 Oh, my God! You thought that's what we were here for? 116 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:05,993 - You're not? - No! 117 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:07,832 Well, then, what are you doing here? 118 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,230 Dale and I found out that we can't have children. 119 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:14,109 We've conceived many times, but for some reason the eggs won't attach. 120 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:16,669 It was suggested I find a woman who would consider... 121 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:20,230 carrying our child to term. And, well, Lois, that's why we're here. 122 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,595 We were wondering if you would be our surrogate. 123 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:26,275 Oh, my God! You want me to carry your child? 124 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,078 - Yes. - What? 125 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:29,878 I don't know what this is about. 126 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:33,874 But you're my best friend, and I'd like to think that you'd do the same for me. 127 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,670 Wait a minute. So you guys can't have a baby? 128 00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:42,955 Unfortunately, no. 129 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:45,509 Well, whose fault is it? I mean, which one of you... 130 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,319 has the thing that's horribly wrong with them? Is it you, Naomi? 131 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:51,313 - You got a bum cervix? - Peter! It's nobody's fault. 132 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:55,234 - Conception is complicated. - Dale, it's you. You got a bum dong. 133 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:56,549 Will you help us, Lois? 134 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,598 Well, l... I'm honored that you would ask me, Naomi. 135 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:03,639 L... I'll have to think about it. I mean, this is a life-altering choice. 136 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,712 You know, like an Italian choosing to get glasses. 137 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:08,677 Okay, read the third row down, please. 138 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:13,391 "A-A-O-A-O-O-A." 139 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,910 Everyone, I have something to say. 140 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,957 I've given this long and careful thought. 141 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,839 And I've decided to carry Naomi and Dale's child for them. 142 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,274 - You what? - That's right. 143 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:26,793 I want your blessing, Peter. 144 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:30,475 You'll have my stool in your eye, and that's all. You can't have their baby! 145 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:32,835 Yeah, Mom. You get crazy when you're pregnant. 146 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:35,670 Mom, I can't find my jacket. 147 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:50,154 Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! 148 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:01,480 Look, I know it's an inconvenience, but it's a wonderful gift... 149 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,996 to be able to give someone. So I am going through with it. 150 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,674 Well, I support you, Lois. I think it's great what you're doing. 151 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,479 Yeah, great. You're treating your vagina like a Red Roof Inn. 152 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:12,278 She's doing something wonderful... 153 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:15,796 for a couple who can't have children and are too egotistical to adopt. 154 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,394 You know what's interesting about Lois's vagina? 155 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:21,313 Everyone in this room has been in there except for you. 156 00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:23,675 You're the only one who doesn't know what it's like. 157 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:26,115 Lois, I don't want you pregnant for nine months... 158 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,555 just to hand over the thing when it comes out. 159 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,312 I mean, why does it got to be you? 160 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,278 Because they need a healthy female body to carry the baby. 161 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:34,714 I can do it. 162 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,997 It was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie. 163 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:39,752 - What? - Ha-ha-ha. 164 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,512 I'm just joking! 165 00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,432 Oh, not cool. 166 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,273 But really, Meg, you don't know anything about this stuff. 167 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,670 You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks. 168 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:51,718 I have too. Remember when I dated the Count? 169 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:55,074 One nipple. Ha-ha-ha! 170 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:58,118 Two nipples. Ha-ha-ha! 171 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,999 Three nip... Oh, hell, no. I'm out of here. 172 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,754 All right, then. It's settled. I'm gonna do this. 173 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:06,229 No, you're not, Lois. I'm sorry, but I forbid it! 174 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,516 Oh, and I'm supposed to go along... 175 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,750 with everything you decide for both of us? 176 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,672 Yes, Lois. That's how we coexist. 177 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:16,389 Just like I coexist with the tiny race of people who live in our carpet. 178 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:20,638 Dad, what's that? I think I hear music. 179 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,597 Oh, that's the little people, Chris. 180 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:26,878 They're playing music so that I will bless them with food. 181 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,990 Lois, Dale and I just want to thank you again. 182 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,718 You're making us so happy. 183 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,235 Well, I wish my husband felt the same way you do. 184 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,391 But he's just gonna have to accept it. 185 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,313 Mrs. Griffin, you should understand a procedure like this... 186 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:48,075 is not without its risks. Here's what happened when we fertilized an egg... 187 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:51,516 from Shelley Duvall with a sperm from James Blunt. 188 00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:54,114 Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. 189 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,396 Florence Griffith-Joyner and Stephen Hawking. 190 00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,676 - Okay. I think that's enough. - I got more funny ones. 191 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,239 I got Tina Fey and Joaquin Phoenix. 192 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,153 - Yeah, I think we're fine. - Lot of face stuff going on. 193 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,039 - Let's just get to it. - The eggs have been fertilized... 194 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,794 by means of intracytoplasmic sperm injection. 195 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,916 And now the embryos will be inserted. 196 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,871 The insertion procedure will be performed... 197 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,917 by these South American Hovitos blow-gunners. 198 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:19,878 Wait a minute. I don't want them shooting things into my vagina. 199 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:23,271 Well, perhaps you could tell them, if only you spoke Hovitos. 200 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,431 I can't believe she went ahead and did it... 201 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,591 after I specifically told her how I felt. 202 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,274 Clearly she believed it was within her right to... 203 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:40,555 Lois just peed on something. 204 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,438 - Hey, Brian, you picking up on that? - Yup. 205 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,034 It worked, everybody! I'm pregnant! 206 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,758 Damn it! This has gone too far! 207 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:49,229 And if I'm gonna do something about it, it's got to be now. 208 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,517 - What are you gonna do? - I'm not gonna do anything, Brian. 209 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:55,558 But sometimes things happen. The house is a dangerous place... 210 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:59,030 for today's modern woman. Rickety staircases, faulty wiring... 211 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,031 gay poltergeists. 212 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:04,712 Boo, to that outfit. 213 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,593 Lois, I've hired some 1980s black break dancers... 214 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,557 to do their routine on your stomach. 215 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,109 Peter, come on! I'm having this baby and that's the end of it. 216 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:18,714 But if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center... 217 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:24,079 from being torn down and replaced by some mall. Ozone, Turbo, do your thing! 218 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:28,438 Oh, no. Lois, those are '90s black guys. Those aren't '80s black guys at all! Run! 219 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:30,878 We're here to dance for the kids. 220 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:35,158 Run, '80s black guys! You're no match for the '90s black guys! 221 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,558 Oh. 222 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:56,988 Ow. 223 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,110 Lois, I bet I can drink more bleach than you. 224 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:05,670 Okay, you know what, Peter? Stop it! I know you're not happy about this... 225 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,990 but I am pregnant and I am having this baby. 226 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:09,912 So knock it off because I have had it! 227 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:13,356 No, I've had it! I don't want you pregnant! You'll be fat and cranky. 228 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:15,829 Your boobs will get big. You'll stop your period. 229 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:19,231 Wait. How do I feel about this? No. No, I'm against it, I say. 230 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:23,154 Peter, this is important. Naomi and Dale are placing their trust in us. 231 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:27,029 And besides, it's just nine months, then everything will be back to normal. 232 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,634 We interrupt this program for breaking news. 233 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:34,078 A devastating pileup on l-95 has injured eight people and killed two others. 234 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,913 Naomi and Dale Robinson were pronounced dead on arrival... 235 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,913 at Quahog Hospital. - Oh, my God! 236 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,355 In other news, a local man has won the lottery. 237 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:46,229 Lucky Quahog resident Dale Robinson has hit the jackpo... Oh, boy. 238 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,194 I still just... I can't believe they're gone. 239 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,271 They had their whole lives ahead of them. 240 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:59,193 I'll be the one to say it. What are you gonna do about the baby? 241 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,157 Let's keep it for parts! 242 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:03,276 You know, Lois, you're not a young woman. 243 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,510 That baby's gonna be chromosomally damaged... 244 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:08,990 like those cats you see in the Special Anima-lympics. 245 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:15,119 So, Whiskers, how does it feel to finally win your event... 246 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:16,599 after years of training? 247 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:22,596 Why don't you put the baby up for adoption? 248 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:26,309 Well, what do we do until then? We can't afford nine months of medical bills. 249 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,710 Well, you could have an abortion. 250 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:32,156 Well, there you go, Lois. We abort it. Send it on up to Dale and Naomi. 251 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,880 If they left their mittens here you wouldn't keep them. 252 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,918 - Send them back. Abort the thing. - Oh, I don't know, Peter. 253 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:40,275 No harm visiting the Family Planning Center... 254 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:44,228 just to see what your options are. - Oh, it's such a big decision. 255 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,789 Of course it's a big decision. Life is full of big decisions. 256 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:49,030 Like deciding whether or not to have Indian food. 257 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,158 Lois, do I need to do anything tomorrow that doesn't involve... 258 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:55,392 me being bent over in excruciating pain 3 feet from a toilet? 259 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:59,075 No. - Time for some tikka masala. 260 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:05,190 Doctor, I won't lie to you. I'm a little uncertain about this. 261 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,157 That's perfectly natural, Mrs. Griffin. 262 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:10,630 And you should ask as many questions as you can before you decide. 263 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:14,270 So how does it work, doc? You go hacking at her like Sweeney Todd? 264 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:19,195 No, no. Good Lord! This is not 2005. We've come a long way since then. 265 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,316 So you go stabbing in there with a laser... 266 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:25,473 and you try to zap it out like burning an ant with a magnifying glass? 267 00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,392 - No, Mr. Griffin. - What? So, what? 268 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,074 You hold her legs open and send a pit bull in there? 269 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,231 You know, one of them little rat hunting dogs? 270 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,550 And he comes back out with it in his mouth and he goes: 271 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,599 And you can't get it away from him because, you know, it's his thing. 272 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:42,878 No. Mr. Griffin, it's a very simple, safe procedure in which we very precisely... 273 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,271 and delicately remove the embryo. We do it all the time. 274 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:48,908 And I promise, it's virtually risk free. 275 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,833 Well, I have to say I feel a little better about it. 276 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,275 I think this may be the right thing to do. 277 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:56,954 Mrs. Griffin, we have a saying around here: 278 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,954 - Let's keep abortion safe, legal, and rare. - Okay. Well, why don't you get started? 279 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:04,874 I'm gonna go sit in the car and pretend like I'm driving. I'm gonna be in a race. 280 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:11,517 Hey, what are you guys bellyaching about? 281 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:14,274 Sir, we are doing all that we can to stop the killing... 282 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:17,352 of millions of unborn babies. If you have a few moments... 283 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,431 I'd like you to watch this video presentation. 284 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,319 Yeah, I got a few minutes. My wife's getting an abortion. 285 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:30,110 Hello, friend. I hear you're contemplating having an abortion. 286 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,714 But before you do, remember, science has proven... 287 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:36,350 that within hours of conception, a fetus has started a college fund... 288 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:40,229 and has already made your first Mother's Day card out of macaroni. 289 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:44,113 Aw! 290 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,158 But don't take my word for it. Just ask my little friend Ziggy. 291 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:49,754 Hi! I'm Ziggy the Zygote. 292 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:53,469 I'm looking forward to being an active member of your community. 293 00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:54,959 Can I hug you? 294 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,031 Ha-ha-ha. Of course you can, Ziggy. 295 00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:00,636 Because even though they're not visible yet, you already have tiny arms. 296 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:04,395 Arms that will one day work, play, and fold in prayer. 297 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,757 - Yay! - But uh-oh, what's this? 298 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,239 Oh, my God! 299 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,836 Well, he's gone, just like so many other promising human lives... 300 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,070 who were probably snuffed out by abortion. 301 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:19,390 Like the guy who would have killed Hitler. 302 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,437 Nice going, Schweinhund! 303 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,192 The fourth Stooge. That's right. 304 00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,351 There were supposed to be four Stooges. 305 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,750 It was gonna be hilarious! 306 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:31,515 And Osama bin Laden's America-Ioving older brother. 307 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,591 I would have talked him out of it! 308 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:37,309 Wow, thanks a lot for 9/11, abortion enthusiasts. 309 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,550 And remember, not only is abortion murder... 310 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:43,190 but it's also larceny, jaywalking, and securities fraud. 311 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:44,952 Did you know the baby you abort... 312 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:47,873 may also have a baby inside of it that you're aborting? 313 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:50,554 Now that you know this, do you want an abortion? 314 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,836 No! No, I do not! 315 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,556 Peter, what the hell are you doing? Have you lost your mind? 316 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:03,554 Don't you worry, unborn fetus child. I am here to save you and protect you. 317 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,153 I have seen the light! 318 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,039 Bless you, sir. You should be very proud of yourself. 319 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,760 Oh, I am. Prouder than when I was a peacock. 320 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,388 Griffin, nice work on the Anderson account. 321 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,479 So how did it go at the clinic? 322 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,200 Fine at first, but then there was a complication. 323 00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:36,954 - We have decided against the procedure. - Really? Why? 324 00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:38,792 Because it's killing babies, Brian. 325 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,997 If God wanted us to kill babies, he'd make them all Chinese girls. 326 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,230 Peter, it's not a baby. It's a fertilized egg. 327 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,834 - It's the size of a pin tip. - It's alive, isn't it? 328 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,070 To kill any living thing is an abortion. 329 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:52,835 The man outside the clinic told me. And he had a t-shirt on that confirmed it. 330 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,274 Okay. Well, sperm is alive. 331 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,829 And every time you masturbate, millions of them die. 332 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,592 So is it wrong to kill sperm? 333 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,352 Yes. Yes, it is. 334 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,431 No more masturbating in this house. 335 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,113 - What? - Why? 336 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:05,872 Because masturbation is abortion. 337 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,554 But abortion helps me get my homework done... 338 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,995 and sometimes I abort in my sleep. 339 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,991 What am I supposed to do about that? 340 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,037 Peter, I'm sorry if you disagree with me. 341 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:17,953 But according to the law, it is still my right to choose... 342 00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:20,793 what I do with my body. - Well, the law is wrong, Lois! 343 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,032 Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this. 344 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,192 Would you go down to the orphanage and claim an unwanted baby... 345 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:29,828 and take care of it? - I'm here to save the unborn. 346 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,389 Once out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves. 347 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,233 What's inside Lois won't be remotely human for six months. 348 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,914 There's no brain activity until at least the 27th week. 349 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,550 It's still a person. It's a woman's responsibility to carry it to term. 350 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:42,948 Well, what if a woman is raped? 351 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,350 Should've thought before she asked me for directions. 352 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,317 - Huh? - What about incest, Peter? 353 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,311 - What's incest? - You know how Cousin Lou... 354 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,311 has that kid whose eyes touch? 355 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,516 You're saying Touch Eyes doesn't deserve to exist? 356 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:55,671 You don't mind him when you want a needle threaded. 357 00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:59,116 - They should have had the option. - How can you say that? 358 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,999 Think of all the love he's given to Uncle Mom and Aunt Dad? 359 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,628 Okay, this isn't working. What if carrying the baby to term... 360 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,233 would endanger the mother's life? 361 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,072 I don't know seven of those words. 362 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:12,756 What if you see that the baby's gonna be born with no arms and no legs? 363 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,114 You name it Mat. 364 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,556 Peter, I honestly don't care what you say. 365 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,473 I am going back to that clinic and I'm having that abortion. 366 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,551 - Oh, no, you're not! - Oh, yes, I am! 367 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:23,994 Now, you get out of my way. 368 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:25,912 You go and I'll blow the place up! 369 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,435 - You wouldn't. - You've seen Family Guy. I would. 370 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,830 So, what, you'd kill a bunch of doctors... 371 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:34,072 to show them that killing is wrong? Does that make sense to you, Peter? 372 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:35,912 - Well... - Does it? 373 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:37,399 I... 374 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:40,791 guess not. - So, what the hell do we do, huh? 375 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,552 I mean, we're not gonna solve anything... 376 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,109 by standing here screaming at each other. 377 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,316 You and I are in this together, Peter. 378 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:51,678 And whatever we decide, we both have to agree that it's the right thing to do. 379 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:52,955 Well, so now what? 380 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,793 I say we go upstairs and have a long talk. 381 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,030 And we don't come down until we've made a decision... 382 00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,394 that we both can live with. 383 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:01,948 All right, Lois. 384 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,230 Well, I think we made the right decision. 385 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,914 I mean, sure, having a baby costs a fortune. 386 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:14,832 There's cutbacks on things we love. 387 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,709 There's diapers, and crying, and late nights with no sleep. 388 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:22,475 Flu shots, and mumps, and driver's ed, and college tuition. 389 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:23,868 But you know what? 390 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,395 It's one more person to share the world with. 391 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:29,313 Another little voice in the back seat of the car. 392 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,677 One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. 393 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:35,749 We had the abortion.