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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ is violence in
movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ but where are those
godd old fashined values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Family Guy 8x18
Quagmire's Dad
Original Air Date on May 9, 2010
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-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
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Okay, I'm off.
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Well, we knew this day would come.
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Good luck wherever you wind up.
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Take care, buddy.
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Call if you want.
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If not, take care of yourself.
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I'm just going away for a few days.
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Oh. Oh, okay.
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Yeah, there's a
seminar on creating...
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Really? It would be
that easy for you?
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What? You thought I
was leaving forever
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and you just said, "Good luck"?
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What the hell was that?
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Brian, take it easy.
You're not leaving forever.
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You're just leaving for a few days.
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What do you want, a parade?
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You know what? Never mind.
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Look, Brian, face it, you're a dog.
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The fact that your last name
is Griffin is a pleasantry
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extended from our family,
not by any legality.
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Yeah, and someday,
when you're ready,
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you're gonna walk off
into the woods and die.
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And we're prepared for that.
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Yeah, so there's this seminar
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in New Haven on creating your
own Web-based Internet series.
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Sounds like it could
be right up my alley.
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Is this another one
of those classes
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where you make the checks out
directly to the teacher's name?
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Feel good about that?
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Feel good about what you just said?
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You gonna go, Brian,
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or should I get the can of pennies?
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Guys, I got some great news!
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My dad's coming to visit.
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Oh-ho! Hide the women!
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So, we're finally gonna get to meet
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the man of a thousand chicks.
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That's right. You think I've
been with a lot of broads.
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My dad's had more pie
than Kirstie Alley.
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What?!
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Anyway, the navy is honoring him
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at this year's naval ball
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for all his bravery in Vietnam.
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Wow, you must be proud.
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Sure am. He was like a hero
to me when I was growing up.
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You know who was my hero?
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Aquaman... and his secret
alter ego, Arthur Curry.
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Wow, you saved our lives, Aquaman!
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Just doing my job.
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Arthur Curry!
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Did you see Aquaman?
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He was just here!
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Oh, darn, I must've missed him.
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We forgot to tell him thanks.
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Oh, I have a feeling
he already knows.
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Hey, guys. Come on in.
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Dad, they're here!
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At ease, ladies.
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Hey, Glenn, you're not gonna
give your dad an entrance?
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Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot.
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Guys, watch this.
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♪ Are you ready, boots? ♪
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♪ Start walking! ♪
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Ha! That's my dad!
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No one dances like Lieutenant
Commander Dan Quagmire.
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Dad, this is Joe and Peter.
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Joe and Peter!
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Which one are you? Peter, sir.
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Look at you.
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You're a chowhound,
aren't ya, Pete?
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Don't want to get behind
you in the mess hall, huh?
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No, sir. No, you don't, sir.
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I'd stand and salute you, sir,
but this is the best I can do.
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I'll take it.
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And a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty
back to you, my friend.
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Sir, you gotta tell
them about the time
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you had to eject from your
plane behind enemy lines.
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And I will, but first,
it's been a long trip.
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This sailor needs a cosmo.
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A cosmo?
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Hey, it's got to be
5:00 somewhere, right?
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Okay, fine. I'll make you one;
you tell a story.
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He can be such a nudge.
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So, anyhoo, I remember that
day like it was yesterday.
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I'd gotten a haircut
earlier that day,
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the first one I ever got over there
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that looked like anything.
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So all of a sudden,
we get these orders.
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And, of course,
it's the day of all days
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I have to put on a helmet.
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I remember the sky was
a majestic orange.
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The breeze was just warm
enough that you could wear
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short sleeves,
but you know, not so warm
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that you break any kind of a sweat.
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because let me tell you,
I do hate to perspire. It just ruins...
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00:04:02,573 --> 00:04:06,309
Oh, sorry, that's my
auto spell correct.
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But, uh, yeah, he's super gay.
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Brian, it's so boring here.
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When are you coming back?
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I'll be back soon, Stewie.
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And I gotta tell you, though,
this seminar is great.
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I'm really learning a lot.
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I'll tell you all about
it when I get home, okay?
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I'll talk to you later.
Wait, wait, hang on, Brian!
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There was, um, something
else I wanted to tell you.
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What?
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Um, the mail came a little
later than usual today.
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Yeah, Stewie, I gotta go.
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Ooh, wait, hang on, hang on!
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Did I tell you about...
that over there?
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Stewie, I can't physically
see what you're pointing at.
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I'm getting off now. Bye.
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Well, your loss, Brian.
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That thing over there
is pretty interesting.
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Huh? An alien in a grass skirt
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juggling torches.
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Yeah.
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All right, you're all done. Go.
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Come on, Stewie. Time for bed.
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Oh, get a job!
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Peter, what are you doing home?
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I thought you'd be out on the town
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00:05:00,313 --> 00:05:01,413
with Quagmire and hid dad.
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00:05:01,481 --> 00:05:03,015
Lois, you're not
gonna believe this.
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00:05:03,083 --> 00:05:04,917
Quagmire's dad's gay.
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00:05:04,984 --> 00:05:07,519
What? Quagire never said
anything about that.
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I don't think he knows.
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It's like he doesn't
even notice it.
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00:05:10,657 --> 00:05:12,391
Really? Well, then how
do you know he's gay?
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00:05:12,459 --> 00:05:13,726
And a lot of little things:
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00:05:13,793 --> 00:05:15,294
the way he talks, his mannerisms,
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and he had the complete DVD
set of Sex and the City
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between his butt cheeks.
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Peter, no, he didn't!
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No. He had the DVD set.
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I was just being colorful
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with the rest of it.
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Well, maybe you should go
talk to Glenn about it.
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00:05:26,206 --> 00:05:27,940
I mean, especially
if he has no idea.
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00:05:28,007 --> 00:05:29,842
I guess I could, but I don't know
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if it'll do any good, Lois;
he's in complete denial,
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like people in massive debt.
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Well, honey, I've extended
our line of credit
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and exhausted all our savings.
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We should be good
for another month.
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Oh, that's great, honey.
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What are we gonna do next month?
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Well, I'll tell you
what we're not gonna do:
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shoot all of our children
and then kill ourselves.
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I'm gonna hold you to that.
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I don't think you'll
have any control over it.
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Hey, Peter, how you doing?
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Hey, Quagmire.
Um, is your dad around?
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Oh, he's off at his
stitch n' bitch club.
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I'm glad you stopped by, though,
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My dad wanted me to tell
you he would be thrilled
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if you and Lois would join us
as his guest at the naval ball.
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Yeah, yeah, that'd be great.
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Um... hey, remember when
we met him the other day,
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and he danced for a while?
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Oh, yeah, that was so funny, man!
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No, it, it wasn't funny.
Oh, my God.
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He's hilarious, that guy.
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It wasn't funny.
It wasn't funny. It was gay.
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What?
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Yeah, I think that
your father is gay.
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Gay?!
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We-we should all be so gay!
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Quagmire, don't you see it?
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See what? I'll tell
you what I'm seeing.
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You're jealous! Huh?
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Yeah, your father's a drunk,
and mine's a hero.
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Look, you'll see.
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At the navy ball,
you'll see how much of a man he is
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and how everyone in the
military respects him.
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Look at this, Dad.
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All of these people came
out just to honor you.
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Oh, it feels good, son;
I won't lie to you.
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Dan Quagmire!
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00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:01,934
Wally! Good to see you.
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00:07:02,001 --> 00:07:03,068
This my son Glenn.
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00:07:03,136 --> 00:07:04,503
Nice to meet you, Glenn.
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00:07:04,571 --> 00:07:06,138
You should be very
proud of your dad.
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00:07:06,206 --> 00:07:07,272
Oh, I am, sir.
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00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:08,974
It was an honor to serve with him.
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00:07:09,042 --> 00:07:10,576
Come on, Dan, let's get a drink.
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00:07:10,643 --> 00:07:12,010
Huh. It's great to see you
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00:07:12,078 --> 00:07:13,345
back in your element tonight;
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00:07:13,413 --> 00:07:14,513
surrounded by seamen.
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00:07:14,581 --> 00:07:15,981
"Seamen."
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00:07:16,049 --> 00:07:17,416
See, Quagmire? I told you he's gay.
203
00:07:17,484 --> 00:07:18,750
Shut up, Peter!
204
00:07:18,818 --> 00:07:20,819
Hey, you Dan's boy? That's right.
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00:07:20,887 --> 00:07:23,055
Your dad was very brave
back in Southeast Asia.
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00:07:23,122 --> 00:07:24,256
He flew supplies in
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00:07:24,324 --> 00:07:25,691
where others wouldn't dare to go.
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00:07:25,758 --> 00:07:27,459
I can't tell you how many loads
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00:07:27,527 --> 00:07:29,828
you dad took when I
served with him. Huh?
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00:07:29,896 --> 00:07:31,897
Glenn, I wouldn't miss
this night for the world.
211
00:07:31,965 --> 00:07:33,499
Everyone here admires your dad.
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00:07:33,566 --> 00:07:35,100
He'd walk into an army barracks
213
00:07:35,168 --> 00:07:37,035
and make every private
there feel important.
214
00:07:37,103 --> 00:07:39,471
Yeah, he just knew how
to stroke those privates.
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00:07:39,539 --> 00:07:40,639
Oh, God!
216
00:07:40,707 --> 00:07:42,474
Your dad was cock
of the walk, Glenn.
217
00:07:42,542 --> 00:07:44,943
Every day at rifle training,
he'd help me clean my butt.
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00:07:45,011 --> 00:07:46,612
Your dad once drank
me under the table.
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00:07:46,679 --> 00:07:48,614
If there was one man you
wanted in your hole,
220
00:07:48,681 --> 00:07:50,115
it was your dad.
221
00:07:50,183 --> 00:07:51,517
Your dad had the best
penis in the military.
222
00:07:51,584 --> 00:07:53,151
Okay, just stop, stop!
223
00:07:53,219 --> 00:07:54,553
Everybody stop!
224
00:07:54,621 --> 00:07:56,421
Dad...
225
00:07:56,489 --> 00:07:58,557
are you gay?
226
00:07:58,625 --> 00:07:59,825
What?
227
00:07:59,893 --> 00:08:01,260
Are you gay, Dad?!
228
00:08:01,327 --> 00:08:03,128
No, Glenn, I'm not gay.
229
00:08:03,196 --> 00:08:04,563
Just, just tell me the truth!
230
00:08:04,631 --> 00:08:06,031
I am telling you the truth.
231
00:08:06,099 --> 00:08:07,566
Now calm down.
You're ruining this ball.
232
00:08:07,634 --> 00:08:09,101
You know how much I love balls.
233
00:08:09,168 --> 00:08:11,003
All right, come on now!
That's not helping!
234
00:08:11,070 --> 00:08:14,439
Son, you have my word,
I am not gay.
235
00:08:14,507 --> 00:08:16,408
You promise?
236
00:08:16,476 --> 00:08:17,976
I promise.
237
00:08:18,044 --> 00:08:20,512
All right, I believe you.
238
00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:22,948
But I am a woman trapped
in a man's body.
239
00:08:23,016 --> 00:08:24,349
And while I'm in Quahog,
240
00:08:24,417 --> 00:08:26,785
I plan to have a
sex-change operation.
241
00:08:26,853 --> 00:08:28,754
Oh, come on.
242
00:08:28,821 --> 00:08:30,022
Just be gay.
243
00:08:34,694 --> 00:08:36,461
Hey, guys, you got a minute?
244
00:08:36,529 --> 00:08:37,996
Hey, what's up, buddy?
245
00:08:38,064 --> 00:08:40,198
It's, um, it's about my dad.
246
00:08:40,266 --> 00:08:43,101
He... he wants to have
a sex-change operation
247
00:08:43,169 --> 00:08:45,103
Whoa! I knew he was gay.
248
00:08:45,171 --> 00:08:46,705
I didn't think he was that gay.
249
00:08:46,773 --> 00:08:48,006
No, no, Peter, he's not gay.
250
00:08:48,074 --> 00:08:49,608
He's a woman stuck in a man's body.
251
00:08:49,676 --> 00:08:50,642
Yeah, gay.
252
00:08:50,710 --> 00:08:51,710
It's totally different!
253
00:08:51,778 --> 00:08:52,711
Sounds the same.
254
00:08:52,779 --> 00:08:53,779
Well, it's not!
255
00:08:53,846 --> 00:08:55,380
Okay, so he wants to be a woman
256
00:08:55,448 --> 00:08:56,548
so he can be a lesbian?
257
00:08:56,616 --> 00:08:57,749
No, he'd date men.
258
00:08:57,817 --> 00:08:59,418
Gay. Gay. Yeah, gay.
259
00:08:59,485 --> 00:09:02,020
Okay, this is not the
help I came over here for.
260
00:09:02,088 --> 00:09:04,423
Well, look, let's just all
agree that he's odd, huh?
261
00:09:05,825 --> 00:09:07,559
He has an appointment
Friday with Dr. Hartman
262
00:09:07,627 --> 00:09:10,228
to have the procedure,
and he wants me to go with him.
263
00:09:10,296 --> 00:09:12,397
I-I just, I don't know
if I can handle that.
264
00:09:12,465 --> 00:09:14,833
Well, I'm sure your friend
Peter would be happy
265
00:09:14,901 --> 00:09:16,501
to come along for moral support.
266
00:09:16,569 --> 00:09:18,170
All right, but look,
here's the deal:
267
00:09:18,237 --> 00:09:20,739
Anything he lops off,
we get to bring home for Brian.
268
00:09:20,807 --> 00:09:22,374
That's very green of you, Peter.
269
00:09:22,442 --> 00:09:23,542
What? I don't know.
270
00:09:23,610 --> 00:09:25,277
Lois, that doesn't
make any sense at all.
271
00:09:25,345 --> 00:09:26,845
Yeah, it's something I heard on TV.
272
00:09:26,913 --> 00:09:28,580
I don't know.
Have fun at the circus.
273
00:09:33,319 --> 00:09:35,854
I wonder how long it's gonna take.
274
00:09:35,922 --> 00:09:37,055
I don't know.
275
00:09:37,123 --> 00:09:39,057
Hey, hey, you know
what we should do?
276
00:09:39,125 --> 00:09:40,626
We should put on some '80s music,
277
00:09:40,693 --> 00:09:41,994
and then, like, every few minutes,
278
00:09:42,061 --> 00:09:43,395
have him come out of there
279
00:09:43,463 --> 00:09:45,731
as a different sex, and we'll go...
280
00:09:45,798 --> 00:09:47,633
And then like the
fifth or sixth sex,
281
00:09:47,700 --> 00:09:49,368
we'll go like this...
282
00:09:49,435 --> 00:09:51,503
This is not a joke, Peter, okay?!
283
00:09:51,571 --> 00:09:53,305
They're cutting off
his penis in there!
284
00:09:53,373 --> 00:09:54,506
All right, all right.
285
00:09:54,574 --> 00:09:56,508
I mean, this is my dad
we're talking about!
286
00:09:56,576 --> 00:09:58,610
Okay, okay.
287
00:09:58,678 --> 00:10:00,712
What are you gonna name it, huh?
288
00:10:00,780 --> 00:10:02,080
What are you gonna name
289
00:10:02,148 --> 00:10:03,115
your he/she father/mother?
290
00:10:03,182 --> 00:10:04,282
Knock it off!
291
00:10:04,350 --> 00:10:08,053
Wow! That thing was on there.
292
00:10:08,121 --> 00:10:10,055
How is he, Doc? Is he all right?
293
00:10:10,123 --> 00:10:11,923
No, I'm afraid not.
294
00:10:11,991 --> 00:10:14,459
But she's gonna be just fine!
295
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,268
Oh, my God!
296
00:10:23,336 --> 00:10:25,237
What do you think, boys!
297
00:10:34,054 --> 00:10:37,623
Okay, kids, Mr. Quagmire
and his dad... his moth...
298
00:10:37,691 --> 00:10:39,692
his friend are coming
over soon for dinner.
299
00:10:39,759 --> 00:10:41,527
So, remember, Chris, no staring.
300
00:10:41,594 --> 00:10:43,329
And, Meg, you know how it is
301
00:10:43,396 --> 00:10:45,164
to be different, so be very nice.
302
00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:49,501
Well, hi, you guys.
303
00:10:49,569 --> 00:10:52,037
I'm so glad you could come over.
304
00:10:52,105 --> 00:10:55,174
Everyone, I'd like you to meet Ida.
305
00:10:55,241 --> 00:10:56,775
Hello, everyone!
306
00:10:56,843 --> 00:10:58,177
Hello, Ida. What's up?
307
00:10:58,244 --> 00:10:59,678
I made a crumble.
308
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:01,013
Oh, how thoughtful.
309
00:11:01,081 --> 00:11:04,416
Throw it away in the
outside garbage.
310
00:11:08,321 --> 00:11:10,422
Okay, you know what?
Elephant in the room.
311
00:11:10,490 --> 00:11:12,925
I'll say it. So, Ida,
you miss your penis?
312
00:11:12,992 --> 00:11:15,361
Peter! Thank you for asking it.
313
00:11:15,428 --> 00:11:18,030
Jeez. No, it's okay,
it's a perfectly normal question.
314
00:11:18,098 --> 00:11:20,432
We can't sit here and just
pretend everything's the same.
315
00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:22,901
It is a big transition for me, yes.
316
00:11:22,969 --> 00:11:25,003
But the answer is, I still have it.
317
00:11:25,071 --> 00:11:27,239
They just turn it inside
out to simulate a vagina.
318
00:11:27,307 --> 00:11:28,640
Come on, Dad...
319
00:11:28,708 --> 00:11:30,409
Not a bad option to
have in the back pocket.
320
00:11:30,477 --> 00:11:32,978
So, Lois, wh-what is this meal?
321
00:11:33,046 --> 00:11:34,646
Wow... so good.
322
00:11:34,714 --> 00:11:35,948
Oh, thank you, Glenn.
323
00:11:36,015 --> 00:11:37,082
It's nothing fancy.
324
00:11:37,150 --> 00:11:38,517
Just chicken with rosemary.
325
00:11:38,585 --> 00:11:40,719
But I did put a lot of
planning into the meal.
326
00:11:40,787 --> 00:11:42,087
Yeah, we went down the list.
327
00:11:42,155 --> 00:11:43,822
Nothing with wieners,
nuts or grapes.
328
00:11:43,890 --> 00:11:45,224
Out of respect.
329
00:11:45,291 --> 00:11:47,192
Lois, I have to say,
you look so put together.
330
00:11:47,260 --> 00:11:48,327
Where do you buy your clothes?
331
00:11:48,395 --> 00:11:49,928
Oh, how sweet.
332
00:11:49,996 --> 00:11:51,697
Well, I love Anne Klein.
333
00:11:51,765 --> 00:11:52,865
Oh, I'll have to try them.
334
00:11:52,932 --> 00:11:54,466
I like the outfit you have on.
335
00:11:54,534 --> 00:11:56,201
Thank you, Meg.
Who did your procedure?
336
00:11:56,269 --> 00:11:57,636
Wow.
337
00:11:57,704 --> 00:11:59,605
You just burned your last
friend in this room, lady.
338
00:11:59,672 --> 00:12:01,240
This corn is special.
339
00:12:01,307 --> 00:12:02,608
So tell me about those knockers.
340
00:12:02,675 --> 00:12:03,776
Are we...? Are those...?
341
00:12:03,843 --> 00:12:05,611
Is that just like, r... implas
342
00:12:05,678 --> 00:12:07,746
or did they reassign
some ass fat up there?
343
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:09,715
All right, I'm out of here.
344
00:12:11,084 --> 00:12:13,652
I wonder if I could
push mine inside.
345
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:16,422
Oh, my God, it worked. It's gone!
346
00:12:16,489 --> 00:12:17,756
I can't believe-- Oh,
no, it's back.
347
00:12:25,932 --> 00:12:27,866
Well, that was quite a performance.
348
00:12:27,934 --> 00:12:30,135
My performance? What about you?
349
00:12:30,203 --> 00:12:31,570
Golly, Lois, where do you shop?
350
00:12:31,638 --> 00:12:32,871
"Gee, your house looks beautiful.
351
00:12:32,939 --> 00:12:34,673
Hey, I have an inside-out penis."
352
00:12:34,741 --> 00:12:36,008
I never said their
house looks beautiful.
353
00:12:36,075 --> 00:12:37,342
Because, frankly, it didn't.
354
00:12:37,410 --> 00:12:40,479
My dad, my dad,
talking about decorating
355
00:12:40,547 --> 00:12:41,880
and women's clothing?
356
00:12:41,948 --> 00:12:44,249
All I've talked about for
years with these people
357
00:12:44,317 --> 00:12:45,918
is what a war hero you were.
358
00:12:45,985 --> 00:12:47,352
And I was.
359
00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:49,321
I'm changing my future,
not my past.
360
00:12:49,389 --> 00:12:52,090
Oh, yeah? What about my future,
huh?
361
00:12:52,158 --> 00:12:53,692
I don't even know what to call you.
362
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,928
My dad? My other mother?
363
00:12:55,995 --> 00:12:58,797
My friend who pees sitting down
but can also palm a basketball?
364
00:12:58,865 --> 00:12:59,865
What about, Ida?
365
00:12:59,933 --> 00:13:01,333
Aw.
366
00:13:01,401 --> 00:13:03,502
No, man, you know,
this is too hard.
367
00:13:03,570 --> 00:13:05,871
You know, you're asking
me to accept an awful lot.
368
00:13:05,939 --> 00:13:08,807
I... I... I don't
know if I can do this.
369
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:10,309
I understand.
370
00:13:10,376 --> 00:13:13,178
I had the advantage of
thinking about this for years.
371
00:13:13,246 --> 00:13:15,681
For me it was easy:
Do I want to be happy
372
00:13:15,748 --> 00:13:17,149
the rest of my life or miserable?
373
00:13:17,217 --> 00:13:19,117
So now you're happy,
and I'm miserable.
374
00:13:19,185 --> 00:13:21,053
I see.
375
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,921
I'm sorry you feel that way.
376
00:13:31,564 --> 00:13:34,099
Oh, boy, nice to be back home.
377
00:13:34,167 --> 00:13:35,934
Those seminars can wear you out.
378
00:13:38,638 --> 00:13:40,439
Wow, did you say,
"Web-based Internet series?"
379
00:13:40,507 --> 00:13:43,742
No. Oh, my bad.
380
00:13:43,810 --> 00:13:45,844
Great... idea... for one...
381
00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:47,112
Where am I taking you again?
382
00:13:47,180 --> 00:13:48,947
You know what?
Drop me off at the Marriott.
383
00:13:49,015 --> 00:13:50,182
I could use a drink.
384
00:13:53,620 --> 00:13:55,587
Jack on the rocks, please.
385
00:13:57,724 --> 00:14:01,593
Hey, here's to exciting,
new opportunities on the Internet.
386
00:14:05,231 --> 00:14:07,266
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to bother you.
387
00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:08,567
Oh, no, it's not you.
388
00:14:08,635 --> 00:14:10,903
I'm... I'm just dealing
with a lot right now.
389
00:14:10,970 --> 00:14:12,804
You know, kids.
390
00:14:12,872 --> 00:14:15,374
Ah. Does not... come...
with a manual.
391
00:14:17,277 --> 00:14:18,977
So, wha-- you're doing
something with the Internet?
392
00:14:19,045 --> 00:14:20,512
I am, I am.
393
00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:22,281
Being a writer, I'm always
exploring new possibilities.
394
00:14:22,348 --> 00:14:23,782
Wow, I could never be a writer.
395
00:14:23,850 --> 00:14:25,150
How do you do it?
396
00:14:25,218 --> 00:14:27,486
Well, you see,
when I watch the world go by,
397
00:14:27,554 --> 00:14:29,688
I think of it kind of
like a huge screen.
398
00:14:29,756 --> 00:14:31,924
You know, every little interaction,
every little moment
399
00:14:31,991 --> 00:14:34,826
is another scene
captured by this camera.
400
00:14:34,894 --> 00:14:36,395
That's fascinating.
401
00:14:36,462 --> 00:14:37,696
Oh, yeah.
402
00:14:37,764 --> 00:14:38,830
Brian.
403
00:14:38,898 --> 00:14:40,032
Ida.
404
00:14:40,099 --> 00:14:41,533
Two more, please.
405
00:14:43,202 --> 00:14:44,636
So I finally tell them,
406
00:14:44,704 --> 00:14:47,406
"Hey, I came here to be at
the seminar, not run it."
407
00:14:51,110 --> 00:14:52,544
That's... Oh. Mm.
408
00:14:52,612 --> 00:14:53,779
Hmm.
409
00:15:00,219 --> 00:15:03,488
You know, we are in a hotel.
410
00:15:03,556 --> 00:15:05,457
And I'm in room 406.
411
00:15:05,525 --> 00:15:07,659
Go on ahead, I'll settle up.
412
00:15:10,964 --> 00:15:12,264
Put it on 406.
413
00:15:17,170 --> 00:15:19,404
Well, look who's home. Hey, buddy.
414
00:15:19,472 --> 00:15:20,839
How was the seminar?
415
00:15:20,907 --> 00:15:22,774
Oh, it was terrific.
The first day we were there...
416
00:15:22,842 --> 00:15:25,477
Brian, Brian, Brian.
I was after good or bad.
417
00:15:25,545 --> 00:15:26,845
You know what, fine.
418
00:15:26,913 --> 00:15:28,747
You-you guys are not gonna
get to me this morning.
419
00:15:28,815 --> 00:15:30,415
I am in too good a mood.
420
00:15:30,483 --> 00:15:32,851
I met an amazing woman;
Finally, the whole package.
421
00:15:32,919 --> 00:15:34,786
Oh, you met her at the seminar?
422
00:15:34,854 --> 00:15:37,556
No, that's just it--
it was right here in town last night.
423
00:15:37,624 --> 00:15:40,192
She's a classy, smart,
beautiful lady.
424
00:15:40,259 --> 00:15:41,893
Look, I took a picture of her.
425
00:15:41,961 --> 00:15:42,861
See.
426
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,034
Uh...
427
00:15:49,102 --> 00:15:53,071
Wha... Is-is...?
428
00:15:53,139 --> 00:15:54,506
Um...
429
00:15:54,574 --> 00:15:55,641
I...
430
00:15:55,708 --> 00:15:58,243
Here, Lois, take a look.
431
00:16:02,615 --> 00:16:04,483
Oh, my God!
432
00:16:04,550 --> 00:16:06,618
This is the best day of my life!
433
00:16:07,987 --> 00:16:09,421
You know what?
434
00:16:09,489 --> 00:16:11,089
You're just jealous 'cause
I found a real woman.
435
00:16:15,962 --> 00:16:17,496
Oh, hey, Brian.
436
00:16:17,563 --> 00:16:18,764
Hey.
437
00:16:18,831 --> 00:16:20,732
Not to worry, I called in,
438
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,669
and a new cell phone should be here
for you in three business days.
439
00:16:23,736 --> 00:16:25,504
What? Why? Well, clearly,
yours is broken.
440
00:16:25,571 --> 00:16:26,805
Because I haven't heard from you.
441
00:16:26,873 --> 00:16:28,540
I wanted to tell you about my week.
442
00:16:28,608 --> 00:16:30,242
God... Doesn't anyone in this house
443
00:16:30,309 --> 00:16:31,877
care about anyone but themselves?
444
00:16:31,944 --> 00:16:33,178
Hey, Brian, how was the seminar?
445
00:16:33,246 --> 00:16:34,279
Meg, please.
446
00:16:34,347 --> 00:16:35,847
I'm serious, Stewie.
447
00:16:35,915 --> 00:16:38,450
I've had an amazing few
days and nobody cares.
448
00:16:38,518 --> 00:16:40,085
Oh, come on in. Come on in.
449
00:16:40,153 --> 00:16:41,720
Tell old Stew.
450
00:16:41,788 --> 00:16:43,822
Okay, well, first,
the seminar was terrific.
451
00:16:43,890 --> 00:16:45,457
I absorbed so much.
452
00:16:45,525 --> 00:16:47,125
And then I get back
here last night,
453
00:16:47,193 --> 00:16:48,894
and I meet an incredible woman.
454
00:16:48,961 --> 00:16:51,396
You know, I've heard the
phrase soul mate for years,
455
00:16:51,464 --> 00:16:53,298
and I never got it till last night.
456
00:16:53,366 --> 00:16:56,835
Well, I've got a woman story for
you that you're not gonna believe.
457
00:16:56,903 --> 00:16:59,604
Quagmire's father,
decorated war hero,
458
00:16:59,672 --> 00:17:03,675
Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire,
is now a woman.
459
00:17:03,743 --> 00:17:05,143
You're kidding.
460
00:17:05,211 --> 00:17:07,112
No. Total sex change.
461
00:17:07,180 --> 00:17:09,047
That is hysterical. I know, huh?
462
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:11,116
Suck on that, Quagmire.
463
00:17:11,184 --> 00:17:14,786
Yeahit's, it's not settling
with the Q-man all too well.
464
00:17:14,854 --> 00:17:16,588
Oh, my God, what-
wha-what does it look like?
465
00:17:16,656 --> 00:17:17,923
You know, not half bad.
466
00:17:17,990 --> 00:17:19,791
Nothing you'd look twice at,
but not bad.
467
00:17:19,859 --> 00:17:22,260
Oh, my God, that-- you know,
that is a tough road ahead.
468
00:17:22,328 --> 00:17:24,062
I mean, like,
what do those people do
469
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:26,531
as far as relationships
and sex and stuff?
470
00:17:26,599 --> 00:17:27,899
I don't know.
471
00:17:27,967 --> 00:17:30,602
I mean, it's got to be a train
wreck down there, right?
472
00:17:30,670 --> 00:17:32,771
I mean, just-just an absolute
casserole of nonsense.
473
00:17:32,839 --> 00:17:35,107
Is she over there right now?
We should go take a look.
474
00:17:35,174 --> 00:17:37,142
No. They had a fight;
she's staying at the Marriott.
475
00:17:37,210 --> 00:17:38,610
Aw, damn, I was just there. Really?
476
00:17:38,678 --> 00:17:41,546
Yeah, maybe I saw him in the
lobby and didn't even know.
477
00:17:41,614 --> 00:17:42,881
Oh, no, you'd know.
478
00:17:42,949 --> 00:17:44,549
Aw, man, what-what
do we call him now?
479
00:17:44,617 --> 00:17:45,951
We... Do we still call him Dan?
480
00:17:46,018 --> 00:17:48,120
No, and I'm not crazy
about the name change.
481
00:17:48,187 --> 00:17:49,387
What is it...
like Danielle or Dana?
482
00:17:49,455 --> 00:17:50,422
No, Ida.
483
00:18:37,403 --> 00:18:39,704
Oh, what?! What the hell?
! What's wrong with you?!
484
00:18:39,772 --> 00:18:41,473
I had sex with her! What?!
485
00:18:41,541 --> 00:18:43,308
I had sex with her at the Marriott!
486
00:18:43,376 --> 00:18:44,743
Why?!
487
00:18:44,811 --> 00:18:46,311
I didn't know!
I didn't know it was her!
488
00:18:46,379 --> 00:18:47,312
Oh, my God!
489
00:18:49,615 --> 00:18:50,582
How does this happen?
490
00:18:50,650 --> 00:18:52,184
When they move to a new place,
491
00:18:52,251 --> 00:18:53,385
they're supposed to
notify the neighborhood.
492
00:18:53,452 --> 00:18:54,719
That's how it works!
493
00:18:54,787 --> 00:18:56,822
He didn't actually move,
he's just visiting!
494
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:09,868
Oh, Dad, I've been worried sick.
Where have you been?
495
00:19:09,936 --> 00:19:14,039
Listen, I... I feel awful about
the things I said last night.
496
00:19:14,106 --> 00:19:15,941
I was selfish.
497
00:19:16,008 --> 00:19:17,609
Aw, you weren't selfish.
498
00:19:17,677 --> 00:19:19,811
I realize I put a lot on you.
499
00:19:19,879 --> 00:19:21,313
I was wrong to just assume
500
00:19:21,380 --> 00:19:23,915
that you would understand
and be able to accept this.
501
00:19:23,983 --> 00:19:27,986
But, trust me, I had been
unhappy for a long, long time.
502
00:19:28,054 --> 00:19:30,288
Wow.
503
00:19:30,356 --> 00:19:32,591
Well, all I want is
for you to be happy.
504
00:19:32,658 --> 00:19:34,125
You're my dad.
505
00:19:34,193 --> 00:19:36,595
And if you're happy,
I'm happy for you.
506
00:19:36,662 --> 00:19:38,163
I'm sorry, Dad.
507
00:19:38,231 --> 00:19:39,297
I love you.
508
00:19:39,365 --> 00:19:41,132
I love you, too, Glenn.
509
00:19:43,002 --> 00:19:44,502
Glenn?
510
00:19:44,570 --> 00:19:45,737
Sorry, sorry.
511
00:19:45,805 --> 00:19:47,105
Damn thing can't
tell the difference.
512
00:19:49,542 --> 00:19:50,909
Oh, dear...
513
00:19:50,977 --> 00:19:53,678
Okay, well, so now that we got
all the mush out of the way,
514
00:19:53,746 --> 00:19:55,146
I have some news.
515
00:19:55,214 --> 00:19:56,648
Tell me. Tell me.
516
00:19:56,716 --> 00:19:57,883
I met someone.
517
00:19:57,950 --> 00:19:58,950
What? You did?
518
00:19:59,018 --> 00:20:00,752
Oh, my God, Glenn, he's amazing.
519
00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:01,953
I couldn't be happier.
520
00:20:02,021 --> 00:20:02,954
Really? What's his name?
521
00:20:04,624 --> 00:20:06,992
QUAGMIRE No!
522
00:20:22,141 --> 00:20:23,909
Where is he?!
523
00:20:23,976 --> 00:20:26,378
Where is that self-centered,
arrogant son of a bitch?!
524
00:20:29,515 --> 00:20:31,182
Get out of there,
you dirty little bastard!
525
00:20:31,250 --> 00:20:32,617
You're dead!
526
00:20:52,738 --> 00:20:54,673
If I ever see you
anywhere near my house,
527
00:20:54,740 --> 00:20:55,840
I'll blow your head off!
528
00:20:57,510 --> 00:20:59,577
Now lay there and die,
you piece of crap!
529
00:21:03,382 --> 00:21:04,382
Hey.
530
00:21:05,751 --> 00:21:08,620
I your dad.
531
00:21:09,430 --> 00:21:14,330
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --