1 00:00:01,183 --> 00:00:03,951 ¶ it seems today that all you see ¶ 2 00:00:04,019 --> 00:00:07,288 ¶ is violence in movies and sex on tv ¶ 3 00:00:07,356 --> 00:00:10,892 ¶ but where are those good old-fashioned values ¶ 4 00:00:10,959 --> 00:00:13,594 ¶ on which we used to rely? ¶ 5 00:00:13,662 --> 00:00:17,164 ¶ lucky there's a family guy ¶ 6 00:00:17,232 --> 00:00:20,601 ¶ lucky there's a man who positively can do ¶ 7 00:00:20,669 --> 00:00:22,203 ¶ all the things that make us ¶ 8 00:00:22,271 --> 00:00:24,005 ¶ laugh and cry ¶ 9 00:00:24,072 --> 00:00:27,241 ¶ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy! ¶ 10 00:00:27,309 --> 00:00:34,110 Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 11 00:00:34,182 --> 00:00:36,784 How's the garage sale going, quagmire? Pretty good. 12 00:00:36,852 --> 00:00:38,786 Just clearing some of my stuff out of the basement. 13 00:00:38,854 --> 00:00:41,289 It's amazing what you find when you clean your basement. 14 00:00:41,356 --> 00:00:43,524 Peter, you almost done down there? 15 00:00:43,592 --> 00:00:45,126 (laughing) 16 00:00:45,193 --> 00:00:46,661 Look what I found. 17 00:00:46,728 --> 00:00:48,396 That's wonderful, peter. 18 00:00:48,463 --> 00:00:50,998 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go do some skywriting. 19 00:00:57,205 --> 00:00:59,774 (cackling) 20 00:00:59,841 --> 00:01:03,678 Hey, look at all these videos mr. Quagmire's selling. 21 00:01:03,745 --> 00:01:06,847 Wow, the best of the world's wildest police chases. 22 00:01:06,915 --> 00:01:09,417 (gasps) and it even has the one with the flintstones! 23 00:01:10,419 --> 00:01:12,019 (horns honking) 24 00:01:12,087 --> 00:01:14,121 Announcer: Amazingly, this drunk driver 25 00:01:14,189 --> 00:01:16,424 Turns left into oncoming traffic! 26 00:01:16,491 --> 00:01:18,726 He narrowly misses hitting a pedestrian 27 00:01:18,794 --> 00:01:20,895 Who jumps out of the way just in time. 28 00:01:20,963 --> 00:01:22,330 Now the driver can add 29 00:01:22,397 --> 00:01:24,599 Attempted battery to the charges. 30 00:01:24,666 --> 00:01:26,601 The driver turns right into the parking lot 31 00:01:26,668 --> 00:01:28,803 Of a drive-in movie theater. 32 00:01:28,870 --> 00:01:32,640 At this point, the dinosaur in the back seat 33 00:01:32,708 --> 00:01:34,275 Pokes his head up through the roof 34 00:01:34,343 --> 00:01:37,144 And the driver places two small children on top of it. 35 00:01:37,212 --> 00:01:40,281 Now he's not only endangering his own life, 36 00:01:40,349 --> 00:01:43,417 But their lives as well. 37 00:01:43,485 --> 00:01:46,387 The driver totals the car and makes a run for it, 38 00:01:46,455 --> 00:01:49,557 But the pursuing officers are prepared. 39 00:01:49,625 --> 00:01:51,092 Running from the cops? 40 00:01:51,159 --> 00:01:53,327 Yabba-dabba-don't! 41 00:01:53,395 --> 00:01:57,264 Hey, quagmire, I think I might wanna buy this ham radio off ya. 42 00:01:57,332 --> 00:01:58,633 Sure, peter, that'll be 50 dollars. 43 00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:00,167 50 bucks? 44 00:02:00,235 --> 00:02:01,769 All right, fine, I'll buy it. 45 00:02:01,837 --> 00:02:04,171 Man, this is a bigger rip-off than shrunky dinks. 46 00:02:04,239 --> 00:02:06,874 They already been shrunk. 47 00:02:06,942 --> 00:02:08,509 Happy "birthmas." 48 00:02:12,047 --> 00:02:15,049 (static crackling) 49 00:02:15,117 --> 00:02:17,551 Peter, you been fiddling with that ham radio for seven weeks. 50 00:02:17,619 --> 00:02:18,953 Take a shower! 51 00:02:19,021 --> 00:02:21,656 I can barely get any reception on this stupid thing. 52 00:02:21,723 --> 00:02:24,191 So far the only station that comes in is some british guys 53 00:02:24,259 --> 00:02:26,494 Reading news from places I'm not sure exist. 54 00:02:26,561 --> 00:02:29,630 Today, in kuzikistan, a peaceful demonstration 55 00:02:29,698 --> 00:02:32,233 Turned to bloodshed as members of the turzirly tribe 56 00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:34,468 Flooded kenpao square in remembrance 57 00:02:34,536 --> 00:02:37,371 Of the third anniversary of the hormsburg massacre. 58 00:02:37,439 --> 00:02:40,441 But finally, some good news out of neighboring kanduzi, 59 00:02:40,509 --> 00:02:42,910 As locals there have reached an uneasy alliance 60 00:02:42,978 --> 00:02:45,246 With the bordering trolika bubsie wubsie dal. 61 00:02:45,313 --> 00:02:48,349 And now with sports, here's framptal tromwibbler. 62 00:02:48,417 --> 00:02:51,085 From the world of sport, the cointen spinky whompers 63 00:02:51,153 --> 00:02:53,220 Flumped the floing boing welfencloppers, 64 00:02:53,288 --> 00:02:55,523 70-fluff to 40-flabe. 65 00:02:55,590 --> 00:02:57,725 At the tone, the time will be 26 railroad. 66 00:02:57,793 --> 00:02:59,026 (tone beeps) 67 00:02:59,094 --> 00:03:00,828 I'm not sure about any of that. 68 00:03:00,896 --> 00:03:03,264 You know, dad, I saw that movie white noise, 69 00:03:03,331 --> 00:03:05,433 And they said you can use empty radio static 70 00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,201 To talk to dead people. 71 00:03:07,269 --> 00:03:08,836 You idiot, ghosts don't exist. 72 00:03:08,904 --> 00:03:11,205 Wait a second. They might. 73 00:03:11,273 --> 00:03:13,407 (static crackling) 74 00:03:13,475 --> 00:03:15,476 Hello, ghosts. 75 00:03:15,544 --> 00:03:16,877 Come in, ghosts. 76 00:03:16,945 --> 00:03:18,079 Man: Hello? 77 00:03:18,146 --> 00:03:19,447 Hello? Who's this? 78 00:03:19,514 --> 00:03:21,082 This is ronald reagan. 79 00:03:21,149 --> 00:03:22,450 Ronald reagan? 80 00:03:22,517 --> 00:03:24,485 The guy that used to bang that 70-pound witch? 81 00:03:24,553 --> 00:03:27,521 Ronald reagan, former president of the United States. 82 00:03:27,589 --> 00:03:29,123 Oh, my god! 83 00:03:29,191 --> 00:03:31,192 (dialing) 84 00:03:31,259 --> 00:03:34,562 Hey, quagmire, guess who I'm talking to right now? 85 00:03:34,629 --> 00:03:35,796 Yep! 86 00:03:39,401 --> 00:03:41,535 Brian, will you take me down to baby gap? 87 00:03:41,603 --> 00:03:43,404 I want to dress like a small douche. 88 00:03:43,472 --> 00:03:44,739 No, maybe tomorrow or Tuesday. 89 00:03:44,806 --> 00:03:46,273 But you said you'd do it today. 90 00:03:46,341 --> 00:03:47,341 Eh, I'm kinda tired. 91 00:03:47,409 --> 00:03:48,642 Oh, for god's sake. 92 00:03:48,710 --> 00:03:50,077 Cancel my Tuesday appointments! 93 00:03:50,145 --> 00:03:51,512 Sure thing, stewie. 94 00:03:51,580 --> 00:03:53,280 You want me to move it to another day? 95 00:03:53,348 --> 00:03:54,381 No, no, just cancel it. 96 00:03:54,449 --> 00:03:56,751 Okay, will do. 97 00:03:56,818 --> 00:03:58,085 Who the hell was that? Hmm? 98 00:03:58,153 --> 00:03:59,720 There was another stewie right there. 99 00:03:59,788 --> 00:04:01,989 Oh, yeah, well, you know, I've been so damn busy lately, 100 00:04:02,057 --> 00:04:03,457 My schedule's been so packed, 101 00:04:03,525 --> 00:04:05,459 I felt like I needed some kind of an errand boy 102 00:04:05,527 --> 00:04:07,495 To do all my nitpicky, pain-in-the-ass stuff. 103 00:04:07,562 --> 00:04:08,729 So I cloned myself. 104 00:04:08,797 --> 00:04:10,431 You... You cloned yourself? 105 00:04:10,499 --> 00:04:11,866 What are you deaf? 106 00:04:11,933 --> 00:04:14,835 So he's an exact copy of you? Well, not exact. 107 00:04:14,903 --> 00:04:16,270 I have to remain superior 108 00:04:16,338 --> 00:04:17,905 So I bred out some of the intelligence. 109 00:04:17,973 --> 00:04:19,607 Made him sort of a simpleton, you know. 110 00:04:19,674 --> 00:04:21,175 I call him bitch stewie. 111 00:04:21,243 --> 00:04:23,611 Would you like to meet him? 112 00:04:23,678 --> 00:04:26,547 Would you like to meet bitch stewie? 113 00:04:26,615 --> 00:04:27,848 Uh, yeah, I guess. 114 00:04:27,916 --> 00:04:29,383 Bitch stewie! 115 00:04:29,451 --> 00:04:30,918 Come here and meet my friend, brian. 116 00:04:30,986 --> 00:04:32,219 Hey, there, stewie. 117 00:04:32,287 --> 00:04:33,921 Oh, what's that? You got a friend? 118 00:04:33,989 --> 00:04:35,856 Oh, I'm always happy to meet one of your friends. 119 00:04:35,924 --> 00:04:37,591 Dear god. 120 00:04:37,659 --> 00:04:39,593 How do you do? Pleased to meet you. I'm bitch stewie. 121 00:04:39,661 --> 00:04:41,128 He's got quite a grip. 122 00:04:41,196 --> 00:04:43,731 Hey, bitch stewie, why are there no midget accountants? 123 00:04:43,799 --> 00:04:46,100 Because they always come up short. 124 00:04:46,168 --> 00:04:47,735 (laughing) 125 00:04:47,803 --> 00:04:49,570 Oh, another good one, stewie! 126 00:04:49,638 --> 00:04:51,038 I don't know where you come up with them. 127 00:04:51,106 --> 00:04:52,706 Isn't he wonderful? 128 00:04:52,774 --> 00:04:54,175 And all I have to feed him is a crude peanut paste. 129 00:04:54,242 --> 00:04:55,109 Watch this. 130 00:04:57,145 --> 00:04:59,146 Uh-huh! 131 00:04:59,214 --> 00:05:00,648 It's not much, but it's healthier 132 00:05:00,715 --> 00:05:02,116 Than what people ate in the '50s. 133 00:05:02,184 --> 00:05:03,617 Steak and donut sandwich, please. 134 00:05:03,685 --> 00:05:04,919 You want cigarettes on that sandwich? 135 00:05:04,986 --> 00:05:06,287 What do I look like? A mary? 136 00:05:06,354 --> 00:05:07,454 Yes, I want cigarettes! 137 00:05:10,826 --> 00:05:12,726 Okay, next up on the stage, 138 00:05:12,794 --> 00:05:15,996 Let's have a big karaoke welcome for peter and ron! 139 00:05:16,064 --> 00:05:17,498 (light applause) 140 00:05:17,566 --> 00:05:19,600 Okay, this is one of our favorites. 141 00:05:19,668 --> 00:05:21,802 Hope it's one of yours. 142 00:05:21,870 --> 00:05:24,638 ¶ ¶ 143 00:05:28,143 --> 00:05:31,045 ¶ don't go breaking my heart ¶ 144 00:05:31,112 --> 00:05:32,613 (feedback squealing) ¶ I couldn't... ¶ 145 00:05:32,681 --> 00:05:34,481 (screaming) ow! 146 00:05:34,549 --> 00:05:38,552 ¶ oh, honey, if I get restless ¶ 147 00:05:38,620 --> 00:05:39,887 ¶ baby, you're... ¶ (feedback squealing) 148 00:05:39,955 --> 00:05:41,655 (screaming) 149 00:05:44,593 --> 00:05:48,028 ¶ don't go breaking my heart ¶ 150 00:05:48,096 --> 00:05:50,865 (feedback squealing) (screaming) 151 00:05:50,932 --> 00:05:55,536 ¶ oh, honey, when I knock on your door ¶ 152 00:05:55,604 --> 00:05:58,239 (feedback squealing) (screaming) 153 00:06:02,444 --> 00:06:04,245 Oh, sorry, didn't realize somebody was in here. 154 00:06:04,312 --> 00:06:05,779 What the hell? 155 00:06:05,847 --> 00:06:08,015 Oh, hello, brian. 156 00:06:08,083 --> 00:06:09,516 Oh, there's your friend, brian! 157 00:06:09,584 --> 00:06:10,851 Hey, brian! 158 00:06:10,919 --> 00:06:13,354 I sure did enjoy talking to you the other day! 159 00:06:13,421 --> 00:06:15,856 I'm just making sure stewie is nice and clean 160 00:06:15,924 --> 00:06:17,958 For his trip to the playground this afternoon. 161 00:06:18,026 --> 00:06:19,827 We had a little bit of a problem earlier 162 00:06:19,895 --> 00:06:22,363 Because bitch stewie was stooling in the tub, wasn't he? 163 00:06:22,430 --> 00:06:23,597 I did some poos. 164 00:06:23,665 --> 00:06:25,299 I did some poos I didn't mean to. 165 00:06:25,367 --> 00:06:27,401 But we've rectified that now, and everything's fine. 166 00:06:27,469 --> 00:06:28,736 This is really weird. 167 00:06:28,803 --> 00:06:30,237 I mean, it's one thing to have him help you out 168 00:06:30,305 --> 00:06:31,672 With a busy schedule. 169 00:06:31,740 --> 00:06:33,073 It's another thing to let him wash your back. 170 00:06:33,141 --> 00:06:35,042 Well, he does more than that, brian. 171 00:06:35,110 --> 00:06:36,744 Bitch stewie, give me a bubble beard. 172 00:06:38,146 --> 00:06:41,181 Look at me, I'm george bernard shaw. 173 00:06:41,249 --> 00:06:43,450 (laughing): That's awful funny, stewie! 174 00:06:43,518 --> 00:06:45,886 I don't know who george bernard shaw is, 175 00:06:45,954 --> 00:06:48,255 But you look like an old stewie, stewie. 176 00:06:48,323 --> 00:06:50,457 Enjoy your weird bath. 177 00:06:50,525 --> 00:06:52,393 I told him I did the poos 178 00:06:52,460 --> 00:06:54,128 Even though you did the poos, stewie. 179 00:06:54,195 --> 00:06:55,829 Did I do good, stewie? 180 00:06:55,897 --> 00:06:57,531 That was very correct of you, bitch stewie. 181 00:06:57,599 --> 00:06:59,133 You're a good helper. 182 00:07:03,471 --> 00:07:05,239 Reagan: And what a lot of people don't know 183 00:07:05,307 --> 00:07:07,675 Is that I was jane wyman's first. 184 00:07:07,742 --> 00:07:09,877 You might say I broke her jane wyman. 185 00:07:09,945 --> 00:07:11,912 (all laughing) 186 00:07:11,980 --> 00:07:13,280 Oh, reagan is a delight! 187 00:07:13,348 --> 00:07:14,982 He sure is, and you know what else? 188 00:07:15,050 --> 00:07:18,285 The ghost of reagan is gonna be the new fourth guy in our group. 189 00:07:18,353 --> 00:07:19,553 I'm all for that. 190 00:07:19,621 --> 00:07:20,955 What other stories you got, reagan? 191 00:07:21,022 --> 00:07:22,456 Well, I remember the time 192 00:07:22,524 --> 00:07:25,192 I invited ed sullivan to the white house. 193 00:07:25,260 --> 00:07:27,294 He sounded a little something like this: 194 00:07:27,362 --> 00:07:29,997 (imitating ed sullivan): Hey, ron, tonight we got a really big show. 195 00:07:30,065 --> 00:07:32,032 Ah, reagan does impressions! 196 00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:33,467 That's right. 197 00:07:33,535 --> 00:07:34,835 And you know who else does impressions? 198 00:07:34,903 --> 00:07:36,370 Rich little. 199 00:07:36,438 --> 00:07:39,306 In fact, you ought to go see his show at the mohegan sun casino 200 00:07:39,374 --> 00:07:41,608 Next Saturday at 3:00 pm and 5:00 pm. 201 00:07:41,676 --> 00:07:43,377 Wait a second. 202 00:07:43,445 --> 00:07:45,079 Yeah, no (bleep). What? 203 00:07:45,146 --> 00:07:46,347 Peter, that's not ronald reagan. 204 00:07:46,414 --> 00:07:47,514 That's rich little! 205 00:07:47,582 --> 00:07:48,949 You're rich little! 206 00:07:49,017 --> 00:07:50,951 He must be on his own ham radio! 207 00:07:51,019 --> 00:07:52,853 (imitating johnny carson): Ah, well, uh, you know, ed, 208 00:07:52,921 --> 00:07:55,789 The kids say you gotta go viral to promote yourself these days. 209 00:07:55,857 --> 00:07:57,257 So, this is not reagan? 210 00:07:57,325 --> 00:07:58,392 No, it's rich little. 211 00:07:58,460 --> 00:07:59,626 He's an impressionist. 212 00:07:59,694 --> 00:08:00,828 He's been screwing with your head. 213 00:08:00,895 --> 00:08:02,296 Well, this thing is worthless! 214 00:08:02,364 --> 00:08:04,231 Like my palestinian alarm clock. 215 00:08:05,433 --> 00:08:07,401 Allahu akbar! 216 00:08:15,110 --> 00:08:16,076 Hey, peter, what's up? 217 00:08:16,144 --> 00:08:17,378 Hey, quagmire, uh, listen, 218 00:08:17,445 --> 00:08:19,680 I'm here to get my money back for that ham radio. 219 00:08:19,748 --> 00:08:21,248 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there, partner. 220 00:08:21,316 --> 00:08:22,683 All sales are final. 221 00:08:22,751 --> 00:08:24,818 Yeah, but you were agamemnon with me during the sale. 222 00:08:24,886 --> 00:08:26,153 What? 223 00:08:26,221 --> 00:08:28,255 I just saw that word somewhere. I wanted to use it. 224 00:08:28,323 --> 00:08:30,624 Look, peter, why don't you just go home before you get hurt? 225 00:08:30,692 --> 00:08:31,992 Well, I'm clearly not the only one 226 00:08:32,060 --> 00:08:33,794 Who was dissatisfied with his purchase. 227 00:08:33,862 --> 00:08:36,096 Whoever bought that baby from you obviously didn't want it. 228 00:08:36,164 --> 00:08:38,432 A baby? I didn't sell a baby. 229 00:08:41,102 --> 00:08:42,536 Look, there's a note. 230 00:08:42,604 --> 00:08:45,439 "glenn, this is your child. 231 00:08:45,507 --> 00:08:47,441 Next time wear a condom, jerk." 232 00:08:47,509 --> 00:08:49,043 Oh, my god! 233 00:08:49,110 --> 00:08:50,711 Well, now, hang on, quagmire. 234 00:08:50,779 --> 00:08:52,546 There's no guarantee it's your baby. 235 00:08:52,614 --> 00:08:53,914 Giggity? 236 00:08:53,982 --> 00:08:56,183 Oh... I say that. 237 00:09:03,716 --> 00:09:05,451 Well, the dna test results are back. 238 00:09:05,519 --> 00:09:08,187 This little girl is definitely your baby, quagmire. 239 00:09:08,554 --> 00:09:09,621 Wh-what am I supposed to do? 240 00:09:09,689 --> 00:09:11,190 I-I don't want a baby. 241 00:09:11,257 --> 00:09:12,991 Look, somebody's gotta take this kid off my hands. 242 00:09:13,059 --> 00:09:14,359 I-I can't be a father. 243 00:09:14,427 --> 00:09:16,395 Well, glenn, you don't have a choice. 244 00:09:16,462 --> 00:09:18,630 This baby is your responsibility. 245 00:09:18,698 --> 00:09:21,133 Now, I brought you a basket of things to get you started. 246 00:09:21,201 --> 00:09:23,902 There's baby clothes, some toys, and some books. 247 00:09:23,970 --> 00:09:26,238 Now, if you have any questions, we're right across the street. 248 00:09:31,878 --> 00:09:34,813 Hey, what's going on? 249 00:09:34,881 --> 00:09:36,215 (coos) 250 00:09:36,282 --> 00:09:39,351 Not really sure what I'm supposed to do with you. 251 00:09:39,419 --> 00:09:42,554 There's some frozen steaks in the freezer. 252 00:09:42,622 --> 00:09:45,057 Bathroom's down the hall to the right. 253 00:09:45,124 --> 00:09:47,626 Uh, if you ever come home and there's a tie on the door, 254 00:09:47,694 --> 00:09:49,328 It means I'm froggin' someone, 255 00:09:49,395 --> 00:09:51,964 So give me at least, uh, a couple hours. 256 00:09:52,031 --> 00:09:54,266 You smoke? 257 00:09:59,205 --> 00:10:00,672 Stewie, what are you doing here? 258 00:10:00,740 --> 00:10:02,774 I thought you were going to bobby stalling's birthday party. 259 00:10:02,842 --> 00:10:04,009 Ugh, I hate that kid. 260 00:10:04,077 --> 00:10:06,245 And I hate children's birthday parties. 261 00:10:06,312 --> 00:10:07,846 I sent bitch stewie in my place. 262 00:10:10,917 --> 00:10:13,585 Oh, what a great little party, janet. 263 00:10:13,653 --> 00:10:15,954 You know, I've never seen stewie come out of his shell so much. 264 00:10:17,690 --> 00:10:20,025 Oh, no, it's not on his tail. 265 00:10:20,093 --> 00:10:22,494 It's on his face. I've ruined it! 266 00:10:22,562 --> 00:10:24,596 Oh, no, well, that's okay, though. 267 00:10:24,664 --> 00:10:26,498 Somebody else will come along and get it right! 268 00:10:26,566 --> 00:10:28,867 Thanks for coming to my birthday party, stewie. 269 00:10:28,935 --> 00:10:31,003 Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for anything! 270 00:10:31,070 --> 00:10:32,838 I've never been to a party before! 271 00:10:32,905 --> 00:10:34,473 Wanna watch me blow out the candles? 272 00:10:34,540 --> 00:10:36,174 I would love to see that! 273 00:10:36,242 --> 00:10:38,477 And gosh, bobby, I'd love to play 274 00:10:38,544 --> 00:10:39,945 With some of your birthday toys, 275 00:10:40,013 --> 00:10:41,380 But only after you've played with them 276 00:10:41,447 --> 00:10:43,081 And only if you say it's okay! 277 00:10:43,149 --> 00:10:44,650 You know, stewie, I gotta say, 278 00:10:44,717 --> 00:10:46,652 That clone of yours has come in pretty handy. 279 00:10:46,719 --> 00:10:48,787 I, uh, don't suppose you'd consider 280 00:10:48,855 --> 00:10:50,389 Making one of those for me, would you? 281 00:10:50,456 --> 00:10:52,257 (chuckles) maybe. 282 00:10:52,325 --> 00:10:54,092 What would you be willing to do for me? 283 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:55,594 What do you want? 284 00:10:55,662 --> 00:10:58,130 Take your index finger and your thumb 285 00:10:58,197 --> 00:11:00,165 And lightly grip the base of your tail. 286 00:11:00,233 --> 00:11:02,067 What? 287 00:11:02,135 --> 00:11:04,069 Lightly grip the base of your tail 288 00:11:04,137 --> 00:11:06,171 With your index finger and your thumb 289 00:11:06,239 --> 00:11:09,374 And then slide your fingers up the length of your tail 290 00:11:09,442 --> 00:11:10,575 To the tip. 291 00:11:10,643 --> 00:11:11,777 Why? 292 00:11:11,844 --> 00:11:13,512 Because that's what I asked you to do. 293 00:11:13,579 --> 00:11:14,780 That's kind of weird. 294 00:11:14,847 --> 00:11:16,148 Is this some kind of sexual thing? 295 00:11:16,215 --> 00:11:17,783 Nobody said anything about "sexual." 296 00:11:17,850 --> 00:11:19,217 There's nothing sexual about it. 297 00:11:19,285 --> 00:11:21,620 I'm just asking you to perform a simple task. 298 00:11:21,688 --> 00:11:24,289 Take your index finger and your thumb 299 00:11:24,357 --> 00:11:27,059 And lightly grip the base of your tail 300 00:11:27,126 --> 00:11:30,495 And run your fingers along the length of your tail. 301 00:11:30,563 --> 00:11:31,830 You mean, stroke it? 302 00:11:31,898 --> 00:11:34,066 Nobody used that word. This is not a stroking motion. 303 00:11:34,133 --> 00:11:37,269 This is a completely nonsexual thing I am asking you to do 304 00:11:37,337 --> 00:11:39,671 In a completely nonsexual way. 305 00:11:39,739 --> 00:11:42,174 Squeeze the base of the tail lightly 306 00:11:42,241 --> 00:11:44,276 With your thumb and index finger 307 00:11:44,344 --> 00:11:47,145 And then, while continuing to squeeze, 308 00:11:47,213 --> 00:11:50,449 Run them up the length of your tail to the tip. 309 00:11:50,516 --> 00:11:52,584 And I'll make you a clone. 310 00:11:52,652 --> 00:11:54,219 I only have to do it once? 311 00:11:54,287 --> 00:11:56,154 I'll tell you when to stop. 312 00:11:59,992 --> 00:12:01,293 (laughing): I don't know why you're stopping. 313 00:12:01,361 --> 00:12:03,228 Nobody told you to stop. 314 00:12:05,665 --> 00:12:08,166 Give me a little smile. 315 00:12:08,234 --> 00:12:09,568 Your lips look a little dry. 316 00:12:09,635 --> 00:12:11,436 Why don't you wet 'em a little bit? 317 00:12:13,072 --> 00:12:14,239 (laughing) 318 00:12:14,307 --> 00:12:17,008 Oh, my god, you're so weird! 319 00:12:17,076 --> 00:12:19,044 All right, I'll make you a clone, buddy. 320 00:12:22,215 --> 00:12:24,916 Oh, she's a beautiful little girl, glenn. 321 00:12:24,984 --> 00:12:26,518 Have you given her a name yet? 322 00:12:26,586 --> 00:12:28,019 Yeah, I named her anna lee, 323 00:12:28,087 --> 00:12:29,821 But I'm probably just going to call her "annal" for short. 324 00:12:29,889 --> 00:12:30,922 That's funny. Thank you. 325 00:12:30,990 --> 00:12:32,557 Anyway, thanks for all the baby stuff. 326 00:12:32,625 --> 00:12:34,192 Hey, what's that big tarp over there? 327 00:12:34,260 --> 00:12:36,595 Oh, that was chris's blankie from when he was a baby. 328 00:12:36,662 --> 00:12:37,996 Yeah, he was a big kid. 329 00:12:38,064 --> 00:12:39,898 Almost split lois in half, coming out of her. 330 00:12:39,966 --> 00:12:41,533 It's true. 331 00:12:41,601 --> 00:12:43,602 I never mentioned this because I don't want him to feel bad, 332 00:12:43,669 --> 00:12:46,872 But after he was born, they had to rearrange most of my organs. 333 00:12:46,939 --> 00:12:49,341 Oh, yeah. He dragged half of lois right out with him. 334 00:12:49,409 --> 00:12:51,777 Yeah, the doctors said I'll be lucky if I live past 50, 335 00:12:51,844 --> 00:12:55,247 But chris is healthy, and I thank god for that. 336 00:12:58,017 --> 00:13:00,252 Oh, there you are, brian. 337 00:13:00,319 --> 00:13:02,220 All right, you ready to meet your clone? 338 00:13:02,288 --> 00:13:03,488 Am I ever? 339 00:13:03,556 --> 00:13:05,524 I've got a to-do list three pages long for him. 340 00:13:05,591 --> 00:13:07,759 Okay, now I want to qualify this by reminding you 341 00:13:07,827 --> 00:13:09,261 That, as with my clone, 342 00:13:09,328 --> 00:13:11,163 The intelligence level is reduced a bit. 343 00:13:11,230 --> 00:13:12,798 That's good. We don't want him thinking too much. 344 00:13:12,865 --> 00:13:15,000 Yeah, well, I might have dialed yours back 345 00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:16,067 A little more than I ought to have. 346 00:13:16,135 --> 00:13:17,335 What do you mean? 347 00:13:17,403 --> 00:13:19,037 Brian, meet bitch brian. 348 00:13:19,105 --> 00:13:22,908 Hi, brian. You got some stuff you want me to do for you? 349 00:13:22,975 --> 00:13:24,242 Oh, my god. 350 00:13:24,310 --> 00:13:26,044 Yeah. That's kind of what I said, too. 351 00:13:26,112 --> 00:13:27,145 You know, I'll-I'll be honest with you, brian. 352 00:13:27,213 --> 00:13:28,346 Here's what happened. 353 00:13:28,414 --> 00:13:29,648 I didn't really want to do the work, 354 00:13:29,715 --> 00:13:31,650 So bitch stewie sort of did it. 355 00:13:31,717 --> 00:13:33,985 Hey, stewie, how'd the clone turn out? 356 00:13:34,053 --> 00:13:36,488 Brian, I can't go to the bathroom by myself. 357 00:13:36,556 --> 00:13:37,756 Will you please help me? 358 00:13:37,824 --> 00:13:39,458 But I'm good at other stuff! 359 00:13:42,395 --> 00:13:44,229 (doorbell rings) 360 00:13:45,465 --> 00:13:46,898 Hello, candy. 361 00:13:46,966 --> 00:13:48,099 Hi, glenn. 362 00:13:48,167 --> 00:13:50,035 Come on in. 363 00:13:53,272 --> 00:13:55,040 (retro jazz tune plays) 364 00:13:58,811 --> 00:14:00,545 ¶ ¶ 365 00:14:21,467 --> 00:14:23,268 So, how long you been in beauty school? 366 00:14:23,336 --> 00:14:24,569 Two months. 367 00:14:24,637 --> 00:14:25,937 Well, tonight we're doing facials. 368 00:14:27,874 --> 00:14:28,974 (baby crying) 369 00:14:29,041 --> 00:14:31,910 Oh, god. Hang on a second. 370 00:14:33,546 --> 00:14:35,680 Okay, okay. Stop. Just stop crying. 371 00:14:35,748 --> 00:14:37,282 Stop crying, anna lee. 372 00:14:37,350 --> 00:14:39,184 Oh, no wonder. You dropped your pacifier. 373 00:14:40,553 --> 00:14:43,188 (buzzes) 374 00:14:46,092 --> 00:14:47,559 You have a baby? 375 00:14:47,627 --> 00:14:48,860 Yeah. It's a long story. 376 00:14:48,928 --> 00:14:50,896 Damn kid's kept me up every night for two weeks. 377 00:14:50,963 --> 00:14:52,464 Now, where were we? 378 00:14:52,532 --> 00:14:53,798 Giggity-giggity... 379 00:14:53,866 --> 00:14:56,301 (snoring) 380 00:15:04,610 --> 00:15:07,045 Candy: Glenn, you fell asleep, so I took off. 381 00:15:07,113 --> 00:15:08,747 It's probably for the best. 382 00:15:08,814 --> 00:15:10,415 I've never had sex before, 383 00:15:10,483 --> 00:15:12,317 And I probably wouldn't have been much good at it. 384 00:15:12,385 --> 00:15:13,952 (screaming) 385 00:15:14,020 --> 00:15:15,253 (anna lee crying) 386 00:15:15,321 --> 00:15:17,455 That's it. That kid is out of here. 387 00:15:17,523 --> 00:15:19,624 Hey, there's another note. 388 00:15:19,692 --> 00:15:23,094 "glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jer..." 389 00:15:23,162 --> 00:15:25,730 Oh, that's the note from earlier. 390 00:15:25,798 --> 00:15:26,998 I... 391 00:15:27,066 --> 00:15:28,333 Need a file cabinet. 392 00:15:33,387 --> 00:15:36,089 So, it's just not working out, me being a father. 393 00:15:36,156 --> 00:15:37,390 And that's why I'm wondering 394 00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:39,425 If you and lois would be willing to adopt the baby. 395 00:15:39,493 --> 00:15:41,327 Uh... Oh, boy, quagmire. 396 00:15:41,395 --> 00:15:42,729 I-I don't know that we can do that. 397 00:15:42,796 --> 00:15:44,697 We-we-we can barely take care of the two we have. 398 00:15:44,765 --> 00:15:46,599 Now-now, this is just a suggestion. 399 00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:49,502 Just throwing it out there. Have you considered abortion? 400 00:15:49,570 --> 00:15:51,571 Uh, peter, I think it's too late for that. 401 00:15:51,639 --> 00:15:53,640 Oh, don't let the press put the scare into you. 402 00:15:53,707 --> 00:15:55,742 Wade v. Boggs has not been overturned. 403 00:15:55,809 --> 00:15:58,211 Yeah, but you can't really abort a live baby. 404 00:15:58,278 --> 00:16:00,380 Ho, boy, they have got you. 405 00:16:00,447 --> 00:16:02,215 Glenn, glenn. 406 00:16:02,282 --> 00:16:04,083 (whispering): Give her back to god. 407 00:16:04,151 --> 00:16:06,219 Peter, I'm going to go ahead and move the conversation forward. 408 00:16:06,286 --> 00:16:08,187 Is there any way you guys could take anna lee? 409 00:16:08,255 --> 00:16:09,355 No, quagmire. 410 00:16:09,423 --> 00:16:10,657 We got enough kids of our own, 411 00:16:10,724 --> 00:16:11,824 Plus ol' brian over there. 412 00:16:11,892 --> 00:16:13,092 Right, buddy? 413 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:14,861 I sharpened a pencil in my bum 414 00:16:14,928 --> 00:16:16,629 And now I need a band-aid. 415 00:16:21,935 --> 00:16:24,170 You're doing the right thing, quagmire. 416 00:16:24,238 --> 00:16:26,205 All right, quagmire, just so you're clear on the law, 417 00:16:26,273 --> 00:16:28,608 Once you give this child up to the adoption agency, 418 00:16:28,676 --> 00:16:31,244 You can no longer abort it. 419 00:16:31,311 --> 00:16:32,845 Hello, sir. 420 00:16:32,913 --> 00:16:34,681 Do you wish to put this child up for adoption? 421 00:16:34,748 --> 00:16:35,848 Yeah. It's not working out. 422 00:16:35,916 --> 00:16:37,083 I need to get her out of my hair. 423 00:16:37,151 --> 00:16:38,284 Well, we can help you there. 424 00:16:38,352 --> 00:16:39,786 Is it a boy or a girl? 425 00:16:39,853 --> 00:16:41,821 It's a girl. Her name's anna lee. 426 00:16:41,889 --> 00:16:43,089 Oh, beautiful name. 427 00:16:43,157 --> 00:16:44,223 Let me take her from you. 428 00:16:48,395 --> 00:16:50,596 Well, go on, quagmire. Give her the baby. 429 00:16:50,664 --> 00:16:52,131 I-I will. 430 00:16:52,199 --> 00:16:53,366 I-I just... 431 00:16:56,003 --> 00:16:57,603 Oh... 432 00:16:57,671 --> 00:16:59,072 Here. 433 00:16:59,139 --> 00:17:02,308 She, uh... She'll go to a good home, right? 434 00:17:02,376 --> 00:17:03,743 Oh, yes. 435 00:17:03,811 --> 00:17:05,244 She'll be somewhere safe, right? 436 00:17:05,312 --> 00:17:07,647 Like, you're not going to put her with sand people, right? 437 00:17:07,715 --> 00:17:09,582 You mean like from star wars? 438 00:17:09,650 --> 00:17:11,851 (laughs) no, no, no, no, no. 439 00:17:14,788 --> 00:17:17,890 Brian, I didn't know if you wanted a god's eye, 440 00:17:17,958 --> 00:17:19,025 But I made you one. 441 00:17:19,093 --> 00:17:20,259 Uh... 442 00:17:20,327 --> 00:17:21,861 Okay, thank you. 443 00:17:21,929 --> 00:17:23,596 Did you wash my car, like I asked? 444 00:17:23,664 --> 00:17:25,298 No, but I hit it with a rock. 445 00:17:25,365 --> 00:17:26,933 Okay, thanks. 446 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,602 Brian, I think my jaw is falling off. 447 00:17:29,670 --> 00:17:31,337 Oh! Oh, g... 448 00:17:31,405 --> 00:17:32,805 Stewie, what is happening to this thing?! 449 00:17:32,873 --> 00:17:35,541 Oh, yeah. Turns out the clones aren't too stable, brian. 450 00:17:35,609 --> 00:17:37,477 I've been having some trouble with mine, too. 451 00:17:37,544 --> 00:17:40,680 Hey, stewie, everything sounds like rushing water. 452 00:17:40,748 --> 00:17:43,049 And I can't stand up so very good. 453 00:17:43,117 --> 00:17:44,784 Yeah, I figure they've got less than a minute 454 00:17:44,852 --> 00:17:46,285 Before they dissolve completely. 455 00:17:46,353 --> 00:17:48,287 Hey, brian? Knock-knock. 456 00:17:48,355 --> 00:17:49,489 Who's there? 457 00:17:49,556 --> 00:17:50,823 (passes gas) 458 00:17:50,891 --> 00:17:52,892 (laughing) 459 00:17:54,928 --> 00:17:57,396 Whoa. I hope that doesn't happen to me. 460 00:17:59,233 --> 00:18:00,666 He took my dry cleaning 461 00:18:00,734 --> 00:18:02,802 And I have no idea what he did with the ticket. 462 00:18:02,870 --> 00:18:05,037 Yeah, this was not a fruitful endeavor. 463 00:18:05,105 --> 00:18:08,074 I'm not proud of this, but I need to lick that up. 464 00:18:11,278 --> 00:18:13,112 (hard rock playing) 465 00:18:14,381 --> 00:18:15,615 This will be great, quagmire. 466 00:18:15,682 --> 00:18:17,950 A nudie bar is the perfect way to celebrate 467 00:18:18,018 --> 00:18:19,252 Your first night without a baby. 468 00:18:19,319 --> 00:18:20,453 Yeah, peter, this is great. 469 00:18:20,521 --> 00:18:21,854 I feel like myself again. 470 00:18:21,922 --> 00:18:24,357 I'll tell ya, my life was so dominated by that baby. 471 00:18:24,424 --> 00:18:25,691 I'm glad she's gone. 472 00:18:25,759 --> 00:18:26,859 Eh, you know sometimes, you just got 473 00:18:26,927 --> 00:18:28,528 To make a decision and go with it. 474 00:18:28,595 --> 00:18:30,830 Like when I decided to try that radical penis enlargement. 475 00:18:32,499 --> 00:18:33,800 Peter, I don't think... 476 00:18:33,867 --> 00:18:35,268 Brian, your objections are duly noted. 477 00:18:35,335 --> 00:18:36,536 Now hit the gas! 478 00:18:36,603 --> 00:18:37,670 (tires squealing) 479 00:18:38,806 --> 00:18:40,139 (loud snapping) 480 00:18:40,207 --> 00:18:43,142 You know that would never work again in a million years. 481 00:18:43,210 --> 00:18:44,677 Don't need it to, brian. 482 00:18:47,714 --> 00:18:50,016 Heh. That stripper has a rash on her ass, 483 00:18:50,083 --> 00:18:51,450 Just like anna lee used to get. 484 00:18:51,518 --> 00:18:53,186 Uh, yeah. 485 00:18:53,253 --> 00:18:55,121 And that other stripper's sitting on that guy's lap, 486 00:18:55,189 --> 00:18:56,789 Just like anna lee used to do. 487 00:18:56,857 --> 00:18:58,391 I guess. 488 00:18:58,458 --> 00:19:01,160 And that stripper only has one tooth, just like anna lee. 489 00:19:01,228 --> 00:19:02,762 Quagmire, you feeling okay? 490 00:19:02,830 --> 00:19:04,096 I don't know. 491 00:19:04,164 --> 00:19:05,932 I think I might have made a terrible mistake. 492 00:19:05,999 --> 00:19:08,000 I abandoned my daughter! 493 00:19:08,068 --> 00:19:10,503 Why did I give away my only daughter?! 494 00:19:10,571 --> 00:19:12,271 (sobbing): Oh... 495 00:19:12,339 --> 00:19:14,340 Oh, god. 496 00:19:14,408 --> 00:19:16,209 (sobbing) 497 00:19:16,276 --> 00:19:17,710 He'll be fine. 498 00:19:17,778 --> 00:19:19,145 We shouldn't let this ruin our night. 499 00:19:19,213 --> 00:19:20,913 Let's just enjoy the strippers. 500 00:19:20,981 --> 00:19:22,281 I guess. 501 00:19:22,349 --> 00:19:24,450 I just hate the way that one gets so into her work. 502 00:19:24,518 --> 00:19:26,619 You boys have been very naughty. 503 00:19:26,687 --> 00:19:29,789 I'm going to have to assign you extra homework. 504 00:19:29,857 --> 00:19:32,725 Darn it. Fractions are so hard. 505 00:19:32,793 --> 00:19:34,393 What did you get for number four? 506 00:19:34,461 --> 00:19:36,162 She said, "don't share answers"! 507 00:19:39,433 --> 00:19:41,634 All right, here it is: 625 maple. 508 00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:43,369 That's the family that adopted anna lee. 509 00:19:45,606 --> 00:19:47,373 Hey, wait, wait. Guys?! 510 00:19:47,441 --> 00:19:51,744 Well, it's just me and my old nemesis, first step. 511 00:19:51,812 --> 00:19:52,912 (laughing) 512 00:19:52,980 --> 00:19:54,113 Hey, joe, what you doing? 513 00:19:54,181 --> 00:19:55,348 You out for a walk? 514 00:19:55,415 --> 00:19:57,016 I hate this block. 515 00:19:59,519 --> 00:20:00,653 (gasps) there she is! 516 00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:01,721 There's anna lee! 517 00:20:04,691 --> 00:20:06,092 Hang on, anna lee. I'm coming. 518 00:20:06,159 --> 00:20:07,159 (grunting) 519 00:20:08,962 --> 00:20:10,229 (gasps) it's them. 520 00:20:17,738 --> 00:20:19,872 Look at her. 521 00:20:19,940 --> 00:20:22,108 She looks so happy. 522 00:20:22,175 --> 00:20:25,211 Almost like she belongs there. 523 00:20:25,279 --> 00:20:27,914 They look like a real family. 524 00:20:27,981 --> 00:20:30,750 I can't take her away from this. 525 00:20:30,817 --> 00:20:32,418 Joe: What's happening?! 526 00:20:32,486 --> 00:20:33,986 He's not going to go through with it! 527 00:20:34,054 --> 00:20:36,555 It's a nice family and the kid will be better off here! 528 00:20:36,623 --> 00:20:38,157 Aw, that's sweet! 529 00:20:38,225 --> 00:20:40,493 What's the inside of the house look like?! 530 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:41,994 Colonial! Furniture's pretty good! 531 00:20:42,062 --> 00:20:43,763 Possibly imported area rug! 532 00:20:43,830 --> 00:20:45,131 Oh, that's nice! 533 00:20:45,198 --> 00:20:47,300 A bit pricey, but for the money you're spending, 534 00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:49,068 You know, it's not a bad way to go! 535 00:20:49,136 --> 00:20:50,236 Yeah, for the money! 536 00:20:50,304 --> 00:20:51,437 You ready to go, quagmire? 537 00:20:51,505 --> 00:20:52,905 Yeah. 538 00:20:52,973 --> 00:20:55,341 You know, I got to tell you, I think you did a good thing. 539 00:20:55,409 --> 00:20:58,210 Well, I guess I just realized it's not about me. 540 00:20:58,278 --> 00:21:00,713 This family is what's best for anna lee. 541 00:21:00,781 --> 00:21:02,615 This is her home now. 542 00:21:02,683 --> 00:21:04,317 I got to let her go. 543 00:21:04,384 --> 00:21:05,651 I'm proud of you, quagmire. 544 00:21:05,719 --> 00:21:07,420 Thanks, man. Hey, who knows? 545 00:21:07,487 --> 00:21:08,888 Maybe I'll bump into her in 18 years. 546 00:21:08,956 --> 00:21:10,356 What?! 547 00:21:10,424 --> 00:21:12,325 Did you really think I was going to change that much? 548 00:21:12,392 --> 00:21:13,726 Good night, everybody!