1
00:00:01,183 --> 00:00:03,951
¶ it seems today
that all you see ¶
2
00:00:04,019 --> 00:00:07,288
¶ is violence in movies
and sex on tv ¶
3
00:00:07,356 --> 00:00:10,892
¶ but where are those
good old-fashioned values ¶
4
00:00:10,959 --> 00:00:13,594
¶ on which we used to rely? ¶
5
00:00:13,662 --> 00:00:17,164
¶ lucky there's a family guy ¶
6
00:00:17,232 --> 00:00:20,601
¶ lucky there's a man
who positively can do ¶
7
00:00:20,669 --> 00:00:22,203
¶ all the things that make us ¶
8
00:00:22,271 --> 00:00:24,005
¶ laugh and cry ¶
9
00:00:24,072 --> 00:00:27,241
¶ he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ¶
10
00:00:27,309 --> 00:00:34,110
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
11
00:00:34,182 --> 00:00:36,784
How's the garage sale
going, quagmire?
Pretty good.
12
00:00:36,852 --> 00:00:38,786
Just clearing some of my stuff
out of the basement.
13
00:00:38,854 --> 00:00:41,289
It's amazing what you find
when you clean your basement.
14
00:00:41,356 --> 00:00:43,524
Peter, you almost done
down there?
15
00:00:43,592 --> 00:00:45,126
(laughing)
16
00:00:45,193 --> 00:00:46,661
Look what I found.
17
00:00:46,728 --> 00:00:48,396
That's wonderful, peter.
18
00:00:48,463 --> 00:00:50,998
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go do some skywriting.
19
00:00:57,205 --> 00:00:59,774
(cackling)
20
00:00:59,841 --> 00:01:03,678
Hey, look at all these videos
mr. Quagmire's selling.
21
00:01:03,745 --> 00:01:06,847
Wow, the best of the world's
wildest police chases.
22
00:01:06,915 --> 00:01:09,417
(gasps)
and it even has the one
with the flintstones!
23
00:01:10,419 --> 00:01:12,019
(horns honking)
24
00:01:12,087 --> 00:01:14,121
Announcer:
Amazingly, this drunk driver
25
00:01:14,189 --> 00:01:16,424
Turns left
into oncoming traffic!
26
00:01:16,491 --> 00:01:18,726
He narrowly misses
hitting a pedestrian
27
00:01:18,794 --> 00:01:20,895
Who jumps out of the way
just in time.
28
00:01:20,963 --> 00:01:22,330
Now the driver can add
29
00:01:22,397 --> 00:01:24,599
Attempted battery
to the charges.
30
00:01:24,666 --> 00:01:26,601
The driver turns right
into the parking lot
31
00:01:26,668 --> 00:01:28,803
Of a drive-in movie theater.
32
00:01:28,870 --> 00:01:32,640
At this point,
the dinosaur in the back seat
33
00:01:32,708 --> 00:01:34,275
Pokes his head up
through the roof
34
00:01:34,343 --> 00:01:37,144
And the driver places two
small children on top of it.
35
00:01:37,212 --> 00:01:40,281
Now he's not only
endangering his own life,
36
00:01:40,349 --> 00:01:43,417
But their lives as well.
37
00:01:43,485 --> 00:01:46,387
The driver totals the car
and makes a run for it,
38
00:01:46,455 --> 00:01:49,557
But the pursuing officers
are prepared.
39
00:01:49,625 --> 00:01:51,092
Running from the cops?
40
00:01:51,159 --> 00:01:53,327
Yabba-dabba-don't!
41
00:01:53,395 --> 00:01:57,264
Hey, quagmire, I think I might
wanna buy this ham radio off ya.
42
00:01:57,332 --> 00:01:58,633
Sure, peter,
that'll be 50 dollars.
43
00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:00,167
50 bucks?
44
00:02:00,235 --> 00:02:01,769
All right, fine,
I'll buy it.
45
00:02:01,837 --> 00:02:04,171
Man, this is a bigger rip-off
than shrunky dinks.
46
00:02:04,239 --> 00:02:06,874
They already been shrunk.
47
00:02:06,942 --> 00:02:08,509
Happy "birthmas."
48
00:02:12,047 --> 00:02:15,049
(static crackling)
49
00:02:15,117 --> 00:02:17,551
Peter, you been fiddling with
that ham radio for seven weeks.
50
00:02:17,619 --> 00:02:18,953
Take a shower!
51
00:02:19,021 --> 00:02:21,656
I can barely get any reception
on this stupid thing.
52
00:02:21,723 --> 00:02:24,191
So far the only station that
comes in is some british guys
53
00:02:24,259 --> 00:02:26,494
Reading news from places
I'm not sure exist.
54
00:02:26,561 --> 00:02:29,630
Today, in kuzikistan,
a peaceful demonstration
55
00:02:29,698 --> 00:02:32,233
Turned to bloodshed as members
of the turzirly tribe
56
00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:34,468
Flooded kenpao square
in remembrance
57
00:02:34,536 --> 00:02:37,371
Of the third anniversary
of the hormsburg massacre.
58
00:02:37,439 --> 00:02:40,441
But finally, some good news
out of neighboring kanduzi,
59
00:02:40,509 --> 00:02:42,910
As locals there have reached
an uneasy alliance
60
00:02:42,978 --> 00:02:45,246
With the bordering
trolika bubsie wubsie dal.
61
00:02:45,313 --> 00:02:48,349
And now with sports,
here's framptal tromwibbler.
62
00:02:48,417 --> 00:02:51,085
From the world of sport,
the cointen spinky whompers
63
00:02:51,153 --> 00:02:53,220
Flumped the floing boing
welfencloppers,
64
00:02:53,288 --> 00:02:55,523
70-fluff to 40-flabe.
65
00:02:55,590 --> 00:02:57,725
At the tone, the time
will be 26 railroad.
66
00:02:57,793 --> 00:02:59,026
(tone beeps)
67
00:02:59,094 --> 00:03:00,828
I'm not sure about any of that.
68
00:03:00,896 --> 00:03:03,264
You know, dad, I saw
that movie white noise,
69
00:03:03,331 --> 00:03:05,433
And they said you can
use empty radio static
70
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,201
To talk to dead people.
71
00:03:07,269 --> 00:03:08,836
You idiot, ghosts don't exist.
72
00:03:08,904 --> 00:03:11,205
Wait a second. They might.
73
00:03:11,273 --> 00:03:13,407
(static crackling)
74
00:03:13,475 --> 00:03:15,476
Hello, ghosts.
75
00:03:15,544 --> 00:03:16,877
Come in, ghosts.
76
00:03:16,945 --> 00:03:18,079
Man:
Hello?
77
00:03:18,146 --> 00:03:19,447
Hello? Who's this?
78
00:03:19,514 --> 00:03:21,082
This is ronald reagan.
79
00:03:21,149 --> 00:03:22,450
Ronald reagan?
80
00:03:22,517 --> 00:03:24,485
The guy that used to bang
that 70-pound witch?
81
00:03:24,553 --> 00:03:27,521
Ronald reagan, former
president of the United States.
82
00:03:27,589 --> 00:03:29,123
Oh, my god!
83
00:03:29,191 --> 00:03:31,192
(dialing)
84
00:03:31,259 --> 00:03:34,562
Hey, quagmire, guess who
I'm talking to right now?
85
00:03:34,629 --> 00:03:35,796
Yep!
86
00:03:39,401 --> 00:03:41,535
Brian, will you take me
down to baby gap?
87
00:03:41,603 --> 00:03:43,404
I want to dress
like a small douche.
88
00:03:43,472 --> 00:03:44,739
No, maybe tomorrow or Tuesday.
89
00:03:44,806 --> 00:03:46,273
But you said you'd do it today.
90
00:03:46,341 --> 00:03:47,341
Eh, I'm kinda tired.
91
00:03:47,409 --> 00:03:48,642
Oh, for god's sake.
92
00:03:48,710 --> 00:03:50,077
Cancel my Tuesday appointments!
93
00:03:50,145 --> 00:03:51,512
Sure thing, stewie.
94
00:03:51,580 --> 00:03:53,280
You want me to move it
to another day?
95
00:03:53,348 --> 00:03:54,381
No, no, just cancel it.
96
00:03:54,449 --> 00:03:56,751
Okay, will do.
97
00:03:56,818 --> 00:03:58,085
Who the hell was that?
Hmm?
98
00:03:58,153 --> 00:03:59,720
There was another
stewie right there.
99
00:03:59,788 --> 00:04:01,989
Oh, yeah, well, you know,
I've been so damn busy lately,
100
00:04:02,057 --> 00:04:03,457
My schedule's been so packed,
101
00:04:03,525 --> 00:04:05,459
I felt like I needed
some kind of an errand boy
102
00:04:05,527 --> 00:04:07,495
To do all my nitpicky,
pain-in-the-ass stuff.
103
00:04:07,562 --> 00:04:08,729
So I cloned myself.
104
00:04:08,797 --> 00:04:10,431
You... You cloned yourself?
105
00:04:10,499 --> 00:04:11,866
What are you deaf?
106
00:04:11,933 --> 00:04:14,835
So he's an exact
copy of you?
Well, not exact.
107
00:04:14,903 --> 00:04:16,270
I have to remain superior
108
00:04:16,338 --> 00:04:17,905
So I bred out some
of the intelligence.
109
00:04:17,973 --> 00:04:19,607
Made him sort of
a simpleton, you know.
110
00:04:19,674 --> 00:04:21,175
I call him bitch stewie.
111
00:04:21,243 --> 00:04:23,611
Would you like to meet him?
112
00:04:23,678 --> 00:04:26,547
Would you like
to meet bitch stewie?
113
00:04:26,615 --> 00:04:27,848
Uh, yeah, I guess.
114
00:04:27,916 --> 00:04:29,383
Bitch stewie!
115
00:04:29,451 --> 00:04:30,918
Come here and meet
my friend, brian.
116
00:04:30,986 --> 00:04:32,219
Hey, there, stewie.
117
00:04:32,287 --> 00:04:33,921
Oh, what's that?
You got a friend?
118
00:04:33,989 --> 00:04:35,856
Oh, I'm always happy to meet
one of your friends.
119
00:04:35,924 --> 00:04:37,591
Dear god.
120
00:04:37,659 --> 00:04:39,593
How do you do?
Pleased to meet you.
I'm bitch stewie.
121
00:04:39,661 --> 00:04:41,128
He's got quite a grip.
122
00:04:41,196 --> 00:04:43,731
Hey, bitch stewie, why are
there no midget accountants?
123
00:04:43,799 --> 00:04:46,100
Because they always
come up short.
124
00:04:46,168 --> 00:04:47,735
(laughing)
125
00:04:47,803 --> 00:04:49,570
Oh, another good one, stewie!
126
00:04:49,638 --> 00:04:51,038
I don't know where
you come up with them.
127
00:04:51,106 --> 00:04:52,706
Isn't he wonderful?
128
00:04:52,774 --> 00:04:54,175
And all I have to feed him
is a crude peanut paste.
129
00:04:54,242 --> 00:04:55,109
Watch this.
130
00:04:57,145 --> 00:04:59,146
Uh-huh!
131
00:04:59,214 --> 00:05:00,648
It's not much,
but it's healthier
132
00:05:00,715 --> 00:05:02,116
Than what people
ate in the '50s.
133
00:05:02,184 --> 00:05:03,617
Steak and donut
sandwich, please.
134
00:05:03,685 --> 00:05:04,919
You want cigarettes
on that sandwich?
135
00:05:04,986 --> 00:05:06,287
What do I look like?
A mary?
136
00:05:06,354 --> 00:05:07,454
Yes, I want cigarettes!
137
00:05:10,826 --> 00:05:12,726
Okay, next up on the stage,
138
00:05:12,794 --> 00:05:15,996
Let's have a big karaoke welcome
for peter and ron!
139
00:05:16,064 --> 00:05:17,498
(light applause)
140
00:05:17,566 --> 00:05:19,600
Okay, this is one
of our favorites.
141
00:05:19,668 --> 00:05:21,802
Hope it's one of yours.
142
00:05:21,870 --> 00:05:24,638
¶ ¶
143
00:05:28,143 --> 00:05:31,045
¶ don't go breaking my heart ¶
144
00:05:31,112 --> 00:05:32,613
(feedback squealing)
¶ I couldn't... ¶
145
00:05:32,681 --> 00:05:34,481
(screaming)
ow!
146
00:05:34,549 --> 00:05:38,552
¶ oh, honey, if I get restless ¶
147
00:05:38,620 --> 00:05:39,887
¶ baby, you're... ¶
(feedback squealing)
148
00:05:39,955 --> 00:05:41,655
(screaming)
149
00:05:44,593 --> 00:05:48,028
¶ don't go breaking my heart ¶
150
00:05:48,096 --> 00:05:50,865
(feedback squealing)
(screaming)
151
00:05:50,932 --> 00:05:55,536
¶ oh, honey, when I knock
on your door ¶
152
00:05:55,604 --> 00:05:58,239
(feedback squealing)
(screaming)
153
00:06:02,444 --> 00:06:04,245
Oh, sorry, didn't realize
somebody was in here.
154
00:06:04,312 --> 00:06:05,779
What the hell?
155
00:06:05,847 --> 00:06:08,015
Oh, hello, brian.
156
00:06:08,083 --> 00:06:09,516
Oh, there's your
friend, brian!
157
00:06:09,584 --> 00:06:10,851
Hey, brian!
158
00:06:10,919 --> 00:06:13,354
I sure did enjoy talking
to you the other day!
159
00:06:13,421 --> 00:06:15,856
I'm just making sure
stewie is nice and clean
160
00:06:15,924 --> 00:06:17,958
For his trip to the playground
this afternoon.
161
00:06:18,026 --> 00:06:19,827
We had a little bit
of a problem earlier
162
00:06:19,895 --> 00:06:22,363
Because bitch stewie was
stooling in the tub, wasn't he?
163
00:06:22,430 --> 00:06:23,597
I did some poos.
164
00:06:23,665 --> 00:06:25,299
I did some poos
I didn't mean to.
165
00:06:25,367 --> 00:06:27,401
But we've rectified that now,
and everything's fine.
166
00:06:27,469 --> 00:06:28,736
This is really weird.
167
00:06:28,803 --> 00:06:30,237
I mean, it's one thing
to have him help you out
168
00:06:30,305 --> 00:06:31,672
With a busy schedule.
169
00:06:31,740 --> 00:06:33,073
It's another thing
to let him wash your back.
170
00:06:33,141 --> 00:06:35,042
Well, he does more
than that, brian.
171
00:06:35,110 --> 00:06:36,744
Bitch stewie, give
me a bubble beard.
172
00:06:38,146 --> 00:06:41,181
Look at me, I'm
george bernard shaw.
173
00:06:41,249 --> 00:06:43,450
(laughing):
That's awful funny, stewie!
174
00:06:43,518 --> 00:06:45,886
I don't know who
george bernard shaw is,
175
00:06:45,954 --> 00:06:48,255
But you look like
an old stewie, stewie.
176
00:06:48,323 --> 00:06:50,457
Enjoy your weird bath.
177
00:06:50,525 --> 00:06:52,393
I told him I did the poos
178
00:06:52,460 --> 00:06:54,128
Even though you did
the poos, stewie.
179
00:06:54,195 --> 00:06:55,829
Did I do good, stewie?
180
00:06:55,897 --> 00:06:57,531
That was very correct
of you, bitch stewie.
181
00:06:57,599 --> 00:06:59,133
You're a good helper.
182
00:07:03,471 --> 00:07:05,239
Reagan:
And what a lot
of people don't know
183
00:07:05,307 --> 00:07:07,675
Is that I was
jane wyman's first.
184
00:07:07,742 --> 00:07:09,877
You might say
I broke her jane wyman.
185
00:07:09,945 --> 00:07:11,912
(all laughing)
186
00:07:11,980 --> 00:07:13,280
Oh, reagan is a delight!
187
00:07:13,348 --> 00:07:14,982
He sure is, and you
know what else?
188
00:07:15,050 --> 00:07:18,285
The ghost of reagan
is gonna be the new
fourth guy in our group.
189
00:07:18,353 --> 00:07:19,553
I'm all for that.
190
00:07:19,621 --> 00:07:20,955
What other stories
you got, reagan?
191
00:07:21,022 --> 00:07:22,456
Well, I remember the time
192
00:07:22,524 --> 00:07:25,192
I invited ed sullivan
to the white house.
193
00:07:25,260 --> 00:07:27,294
He sounded a little
something like this:
194
00:07:27,362 --> 00:07:29,997
(imitating ed sullivan):
Hey, ron, tonight we got
a really big show.
195
00:07:30,065 --> 00:07:32,032
Ah, reagan
does impressions!
196
00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:33,467
That's right.
197
00:07:33,535 --> 00:07:34,835
And you know who else
does impressions?
198
00:07:34,903 --> 00:07:36,370
Rich little.
199
00:07:36,438 --> 00:07:39,306
In fact, you ought to go see his
show at the mohegan sun casino
200
00:07:39,374 --> 00:07:41,608
Next Saturday
at 3:00 pm and 5:00 pm.
201
00:07:41,676 --> 00:07:43,377
Wait a second.
202
00:07:43,445 --> 00:07:45,079
Yeah, no (bleep).
What?
203
00:07:45,146 --> 00:07:46,347
Peter, that's not ronald reagan.
204
00:07:46,414 --> 00:07:47,514
That's rich little!
205
00:07:47,582 --> 00:07:48,949
You're rich little!
206
00:07:49,017 --> 00:07:50,951
He must be on his
own ham radio!
207
00:07:51,019 --> 00:07:52,853
(imitating johnny carson):
Ah, well, uh, you know, ed,
208
00:07:52,921 --> 00:07:55,789
The kids say you gotta go viral
to promote yourself these days.
209
00:07:55,857 --> 00:07:57,257
So, this is not reagan?
210
00:07:57,325 --> 00:07:58,392
No, it's rich little.
211
00:07:58,460 --> 00:07:59,626
He's an impressionist.
212
00:07:59,694 --> 00:08:00,828
He's been screwing
with your head.
213
00:08:00,895 --> 00:08:02,296
Well, this thing
is worthless!
214
00:08:02,364 --> 00:08:04,231
Like my palestinian
alarm clock.
215
00:08:05,433 --> 00:08:07,401
Allahu akbar!
216
00:08:15,110 --> 00:08:16,076
Hey, peter, what's up?
217
00:08:16,144 --> 00:08:17,378
Hey, quagmire, uh, listen,
218
00:08:17,445 --> 00:08:19,680
I'm here to get my money
back for that ham radio.
219
00:08:19,748 --> 00:08:21,248
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down there, partner.
220
00:08:21,316 --> 00:08:22,683
All sales are final.
221
00:08:22,751 --> 00:08:24,818
Yeah, but you were agamemnon
with me during the sale.
222
00:08:24,886 --> 00:08:26,153
What?
223
00:08:26,221 --> 00:08:28,255
I just saw that word somewhere.
I wanted to use it.
224
00:08:28,323 --> 00:08:30,624
Look, peter, why don't you just
go home before you get hurt?
225
00:08:30,692 --> 00:08:31,992
Well, I'm clearly
not the only one
226
00:08:32,060 --> 00:08:33,794
Who was dissatisfied
with his purchase.
227
00:08:33,862 --> 00:08:36,096
Whoever bought that baby from
you obviously didn't want it.
228
00:08:36,164 --> 00:08:38,432
A baby? I didn't sell a baby.
229
00:08:41,102 --> 00:08:42,536
Look, there's a note.
230
00:08:42,604 --> 00:08:45,439
"glenn, this is your child.
231
00:08:45,507 --> 00:08:47,441
Next time wear
a condom, jerk."
232
00:08:47,509 --> 00:08:49,043
Oh, my god!
233
00:08:49,110 --> 00:08:50,711
Well, now,
hang on, quagmire.
234
00:08:50,779 --> 00:08:52,546
There's no guarantee
it's your baby.
235
00:08:52,614 --> 00:08:53,914
Giggity?
236
00:08:53,982 --> 00:08:56,183
Oh...
I say that.
237
00:09:03,716 --> 00:09:05,451
Well, the dna test
results are back.
238
00:09:05,519 --> 00:09:08,187
This little girl is definitely
your baby, quagmire.
239
00:09:08,554 --> 00:09:09,621
Wh-what am I
supposed to do?
240
00:09:09,689 --> 00:09:11,190
I-I don't want a baby.
241
00:09:11,257 --> 00:09:12,991
Look, somebody's gotta take
this kid off my hands.
242
00:09:13,059 --> 00:09:14,359
I-I can't be a father.
243
00:09:14,427 --> 00:09:16,395
Well, glenn, you don't
have a choice.
244
00:09:16,462 --> 00:09:18,630
This baby is
your responsibility.
245
00:09:18,698 --> 00:09:21,133
Now, I brought you a basket
of things to get you started.
246
00:09:21,201 --> 00:09:23,902
There's baby clothes,
some toys, and some books.
247
00:09:23,970 --> 00:09:26,238
Now, if you have any questions,
we're right across the street.
248
00:09:31,878 --> 00:09:34,813
Hey, what's going on?
249
00:09:34,881 --> 00:09:36,215
(coos)
250
00:09:36,282 --> 00:09:39,351
Not really sure what I'm
supposed to do with you.
251
00:09:39,419 --> 00:09:42,554
There's some frozen steaks
in the freezer.
252
00:09:42,622 --> 00:09:45,057
Bathroom's down the hall
to the right.
253
00:09:45,124 --> 00:09:47,626
Uh, if you ever come home
and there's a tie on the door,
254
00:09:47,694 --> 00:09:49,328
It means I'm froggin' someone,
255
00:09:49,395 --> 00:09:51,964
So give me at least,
uh, a couple hours.
256
00:09:52,031 --> 00:09:54,266
You smoke?
257
00:09:59,205 --> 00:10:00,672
Stewie, what are
you doing here?
258
00:10:00,740 --> 00:10:02,774
I thought you were going to
bobby stalling's birthday party.
259
00:10:02,842 --> 00:10:04,009
Ugh, I hate that kid.
260
00:10:04,077 --> 00:10:06,245
And I hate children's
birthday parties.
261
00:10:06,312 --> 00:10:07,846
I sent bitch stewie
in my place.
262
00:10:10,917 --> 00:10:13,585
Oh, what a great
little party, janet.
263
00:10:13,653 --> 00:10:15,954
You know, I've never seen stewie
come out of his shell so much.
264
00:10:17,690 --> 00:10:20,025
Oh, no, it's not on his tail.
265
00:10:20,093 --> 00:10:22,494
It's on his face.
I've ruined it!
266
00:10:22,562 --> 00:10:24,596
Oh, no, well,
that's okay, though.
267
00:10:24,664 --> 00:10:26,498
Somebody else will come along
and get it right!
268
00:10:26,566 --> 00:10:28,867
Thanks for coming to my
birthday party, stewie.
269
00:10:28,935 --> 00:10:31,003
Oh, I wouldn't have
missed it for anything!
270
00:10:31,070 --> 00:10:32,838
I've never been
to a party before!
271
00:10:32,905 --> 00:10:34,473
Wanna watch me
blow out the candles?
272
00:10:34,540 --> 00:10:36,174
I would love to see that!
273
00:10:36,242 --> 00:10:38,477
And gosh, bobby,
I'd love to play
274
00:10:38,544 --> 00:10:39,945
With some of your
birthday toys,
275
00:10:40,013 --> 00:10:41,380
But only after you've
played with them
276
00:10:41,447 --> 00:10:43,081
And only if you
say it's okay!
277
00:10:43,149 --> 00:10:44,650
You know, stewie,
I gotta say,
278
00:10:44,717 --> 00:10:46,652
That clone of yours
has come in pretty handy.
279
00:10:46,719 --> 00:10:48,787
I, uh, don't suppose
you'd consider
280
00:10:48,855 --> 00:10:50,389
Making one of those
for me, would you?
281
00:10:50,456 --> 00:10:52,257
(chuckles)
maybe.
282
00:10:52,325 --> 00:10:54,092
What would you be
willing to do for me?
283
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:55,594
What do you want?
284
00:10:55,662 --> 00:10:58,130
Take your index finger
and your thumb
285
00:10:58,197 --> 00:11:00,165
And lightly grip
the base of your tail.
286
00:11:00,233 --> 00:11:02,067
What?
287
00:11:02,135 --> 00:11:04,069
Lightly grip
the base of your tail
288
00:11:04,137 --> 00:11:06,171
With your index finger
and your thumb
289
00:11:06,239 --> 00:11:09,374
And then slide your fingers
up the length of your tail
290
00:11:09,442 --> 00:11:10,575
To the tip.
291
00:11:10,643 --> 00:11:11,777
Why?
292
00:11:11,844 --> 00:11:13,512
Because that's
what I asked you to do.
293
00:11:13,579 --> 00:11:14,780
That's kind of weird.
294
00:11:14,847 --> 00:11:16,148
Is this some kind
of sexual thing?
295
00:11:16,215 --> 00:11:17,783
Nobody said anything
about "sexual."
296
00:11:17,850 --> 00:11:19,217
There's nothing
sexual about it.
297
00:11:19,285 --> 00:11:21,620
I'm just asking you
to perform a simple task.
298
00:11:21,688 --> 00:11:24,289
Take your index finger
and your thumb
299
00:11:24,357 --> 00:11:27,059
And lightly grip
the base of your tail
300
00:11:27,126 --> 00:11:30,495
And run your fingers
along the length of your tail.
301
00:11:30,563 --> 00:11:31,830
You mean, stroke it?
302
00:11:31,898 --> 00:11:34,066
Nobody used that word.
This is not a stroking motion.
303
00:11:34,133 --> 00:11:37,269
This is a completely nonsexual
thing I am asking you to do
304
00:11:37,337 --> 00:11:39,671
In a completely
nonsexual way.
305
00:11:39,739 --> 00:11:42,174
Squeeze the base
of the tail lightly
306
00:11:42,241 --> 00:11:44,276
With your thumb
and index finger
307
00:11:44,344 --> 00:11:47,145
And then,
while continuing to squeeze,
308
00:11:47,213 --> 00:11:50,449
Run them up the length
of your tail to the tip.
309
00:11:50,516 --> 00:11:52,584
And I'll make you a clone.
310
00:11:52,652 --> 00:11:54,219
I only have to do it once?
311
00:11:54,287 --> 00:11:56,154
I'll tell you when to stop.
312
00:11:59,992 --> 00:12:01,293
(laughing):
I don't know
why you're stopping.
313
00:12:01,361 --> 00:12:03,228
Nobody told you to stop.
314
00:12:05,665 --> 00:12:08,166
Give me a little smile.
315
00:12:08,234 --> 00:12:09,568
Your lips look
a little dry.
316
00:12:09,635 --> 00:12:11,436
Why don't you wet 'em
a little bit?
317
00:12:13,072 --> 00:12:14,239
(laughing)
318
00:12:14,307 --> 00:12:17,008
Oh, my god,
you're so weird!
319
00:12:17,076 --> 00:12:19,044
All right, I'll make you
a clone, buddy.
320
00:12:22,215 --> 00:12:24,916
Oh, she's a beautiful
little girl, glenn.
321
00:12:24,984 --> 00:12:26,518
Have you given her
a name yet?
322
00:12:26,586 --> 00:12:28,019
Yeah, I named her
anna lee,
323
00:12:28,087 --> 00:12:29,821
But I'm probably just going
to call her "annal" for short.
324
00:12:29,889 --> 00:12:30,922
That's funny.
Thank you.
325
00:12:30,990 --> 00:12:32,557
Anyway,
thanks for all the baby stuff.
326
00:12:32,625 --> 00:12:34,192
Hey, what's
that big tarp over there?
327
00:12:34,260 --> 00:12:36,595
Oh, that was chris's blankie
from when he was a baby.
328
00:12:36,662 --> 00:12:37,996
Yeah, he was a big kid.
329
00:12:38,064 --> 00:12:39,898
Almost split lois in half,
coming out of her.
330
00:12:39,966 --> 00:12:41,533
It's true.
331
00:12:41,601 --> 00:12:43,602
I never mentioned this because
I don't want him to feel bad,
332
00:12:43,669 --> 00:12:46,872
But after he was born, they had
to rearrange most of my organs.
333
00:12:46,939 --> 00:12:49,341
Oh, yeah. He dragged half
of lois right out with him.
334
00:12:49,409 --> 00:12:51,777
Yeah, the doctors said I'll
be lucky if I live past 50,
335
00:12:51,844 --> 00:12:55,247
But chris is healthy,
and I thank god for that.
336
00:12:58,017 --> 00:13:00,252
Oh, there you are, brian.
337
00:13:00,319 --> 00:13:02,220
All right, you ready
to meet your clone?
338
00:13:02,288 --> 00:13:03,488
Am I ever?
339
00:13:03,556 --> 00:13:05,524
I've got a to-do list
three pages long for him.
340
00:13:05,591 --> 00:13:07,759
Okay, now I want to qualify
this by reminding you
341
00:13:07,827 --> 00:13:09,261
That, as with my clone,
342
00:13:09,328 --> 00:13:11,163
The intelligence level
is reduced a bit.
343
00:13:11,230 --> 00:13:12,798
That's good. We don't
want him thinking too much.
344
00:13:12,865 --> 00:13:15,000
Yeah, well, I might
have dialed yours back
345
00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:16,067
A little more than
I ought to have.
346
00:13:16,135 --> 00:13:17,335
What do you mean?
347
00:13:17,403 --> 00:13:19,037
Brian,
meet bitch brian.
348
00:13:19,105 --> 00:13:22,908
Hi, brian. You got some stuff
you want me to do for you?
349
00:13:22,975 --> 00:13:24,242
Oh, my god.
350
00:13:24,310 --> 00:13:26,044
Yeah. That's kind of
what I said, too.
351
00:13:26,112 --> 00:13:27,145
You know, I'll-I'll be honest
with you, brian.
352
00:13:27,213 --> 00:13:28,346
Here's what happened.
353
00:13:28,414 --> 00:13:29,648
I didn't really want
to do the work,
354
00:13:29,715 --> 00:13:31,650
So bitch stewie
sort of did it.
355
00:13:31,717 --> 00:13:33,985
Hey, stewie,
how'd the clone turn out?
356
00:13:34,053 --> 00:13:36,488
Brian, I can't go
to the bathroom by myself.
357
00:13:36,556 --> 00:13:37,756
Will you please help me?
358
00:13:37,824 --> 00:13:39,458
But I'm good
at other stuff!
359
00:13:42,395 --> 00:13:44,229
(doorbell rings)
360
00:13:45,465 --> 00:13:46,898
Hello, candy.
361
00:13:46,966 --> 00:13:48,099
Hi, glenn.
362
00:13:48,167 --> 00:13:50,035
Come on in.
363
00:13:53,272 --> 00:13:55,040
(retro jazz tune plays)
364
00:13:58,811 --> 00:14:00,545
¶ ¶
365
00:14:21,467 --> 00:14:23,268
So, how long you been
in beauty school?
366
00:14:23,336 --> 00:14:24,569
Two months.
367
00:14:24,637 --> 00:14:25,937
Well, tonight we're
doing facials.
368
00:14:27,874 --> 00:14:28,974
(baby crying)
369
00:14:29,041 --> 00:14:31,910
Oh, god. Hang on a second.
370
00:14:33,546 --> 00:14:35,680
Okay, okay. Stop.
Just stop crying.
371
00:14:35,748 --> 00:14:37,282
Stop crying, anna lee.
372
00:14:37,350 --> 00:14:39,184
Oh, no wonder. You
dropped your pacifier.
373
00:14:40,553 --> 00:14:43,188
(buzzes)
374
00:14:46,092 --> 00:14:47,559
You have a baby?
375
00:14:47,627 --> 00:14:48,860
Yeah. It's a long story.
376
00:14:48,928 --> 00:14:50,896
Damn kid's kept me up
every night for two weeks.
377
00:14:50,963 --> 00:14:52,464
Now, where were we?
378
00:14:52,532 --> 00:14:53,798
Giggity-giggity...
379
00:14:53,866 --> 00:14:56,301
(snoring)
380
00:15:04,610 --> 00:15:07,045
Candy:
Glenn, you fell asleep,
so I took off.
381
00:15:07,113 --> 00:15:08,747
It's probably for the best.
382
00:15:08,814 --> 00:15:10,415
I've never had sex before,
383
00:15:10,483 --> 00:15:12,317
And I probably wouldn't
have been much good at it.
384
00:15:12,385 --> 00:15:13,952
(screaming)
385
00:15:14,020 --> 00:15:15,253
(anna lee crying)
386
00:15:15,321 --> 00:15:17,455
That's it.
That kid is out of here.
387
00:15:17,523 --> 00:15:19,624
Hey, there's another note.
388
00:15:19,692 --> 00:15:23,094
"glenn, this is your child.
Next time wear a condom, jer..."
389
00:15:23,162 --> 00:15:25,730
Oh, that's the note
from earlier.
390
00:15:25,798 --> 00:15:26,998
I...
391
00:15:27,066 --> 00:15:28,333
Need a file cabinet.
392
00:15:33,387 --> 00:15:36,089
So, it's just not working out,
me being a father.
393
00:15:36,156 --> 00:15:37,390
And that's why I'm wondering
394
00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:39,425
If you and lois would be
willing to adopt the baby.
395
00:15:39,493 --> 00:15:41,327
Uh... Oh, boy, quagmire.
396
00:15:41,395 --> 00:15:42,729
I-I don't know
that we can do that.
397
00:15:42,796 --> 00:15:44,697
We-we-we can barely take
care of the two we have.
398
00:15:44,765 --> 00:15:46,599
Now-now, this is
just a suggestion.
399
00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:49,502
Just throwing it out there.
Have you considered abortion?
400
00:15:49,570 --> 00:15:51,571
Uh, peter, I think
it's too late for that.
401
00:15:51,639 --> 00:15:53,640
Oh, don't let the press
put the scare into you.
402
00:15:53,707 --> 00:15:55,742
Wade v. Boggs has
not been overturned.
403
00:15:55,809 --> 00:15:58,211
Yeah, but you can't really
abort a live baby.
404
00:15:58,278 --> 00:16:00,380
Ho, boy, they have got you.
405
00:16:00,447 --> 00:16:02,215
Glenn, glenn.
406
00:16:02,282 --> 00:16:04,083
(whispering):
Give her back to god.
407
00:16:04,151 --> 00:16:06,219
Peter, I'm going to go ahead and
move the conversation forward.
408
00:16:06,286 --> 00:16:08,187
Is there any way
you guys could take anna lee?
409
00:16:08,255 --> 00:16:09,355
No, quagmire.
410
00:16:09,423 --> 00:16:10,657
We got enough kids of our own,
411
00:16:10,724 --> 00:16:11,824
Plus ol' brian over there.
412
00:16:11,892 --> 00:16:13,092
Right, buddy?
413
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:14,861
I sharpened a
pencil in my bum
414
00:16:14,928 --> 00:16:16,629
And now I need
a band-aid.
415
00:16:21,935 --> 00:16:24,170
You're doing
the right thing, quagmire.
416
00:16:24,238 --> 00:16:26,205
All right, quagmire, just so
you're clear on the law,
417
00:16:26,273 --> 00:16:28,608
Once you give this child up
to the adoption agency,
418
00:16:28,676 --> 00:16:31,244
You can no longer abort it.
419
00:16:31,311 --> 00:16:32,845
Hello, sir.
420
00:16:32,913 --> 00:16:34,681
Do you wish to put this
child up for adoption?
421
00:16:34,748 --> 00:16:35,848
Yeah.
It's not working out.
422
00:16:35,916 --> 00:16:37,083
I need to get her
out of my hair.
423
00:16:37,151 --> 00:16:38,284
Well, we can
help you there.
424
00:16:38,352 --> 00:16:39,786
Is it a boy or a girl?
425
00:16:39,853 --> 00:16:41,821
It's a girl.
Her name's anna lee.
426
00:16:41,889 --> 00:16:43,089
Oh, beautiful name.
427
00:16:43,157 --> 00:16:44,223
Let me take her from you.
428
00:16:48,395 --> 00:16:50,596
Well, go on, quagmire.
Give her the baby.
429
00:16:50,664 --> 00:16:52,131
I-I will.
430
00:16:52,199 --> 00:16:53,366
I-I just...
431
00:16:56,003 --> 00:16:57,603
Oh...
432
00:16:57,671 --> 00:16:59,072
Here.
433
00:16:59,139 --> 00:17:02,308
She, uh... She'll go
to a good home, right?
434
00:17:02,376 --> 00:17:03,743
Oh, yes.
435
00:17:03,811 --> 00:17:05,244
She'll be
somewhere safe, right?
436
00:17:05,312 --> 00:17:07,647
Like, you're not going to put
her with sand people, right?
437
00:17:07,715 --> 00:17:09,582
You mean like
from star wars?
438
00:17:09,650 --> 00:17:11,851
(laughs)
no, no, no, no, no.
439
00:17:14,788 --> 00:17:17,890
Brian, I didn't know if
you wanted a god's eye,
440
00:17:17,958 --> 00:17:19,025
But I made you one.
441
00:17:19,093 --> 00:17:20,259
Uh...
442
00:17:20,327 --> 00:17:21,861
Okay, thank you.
443
00:17:21,929 --> 00:17:23,596
Did you wash my car,
like I asked?
444
00:17:23,664 --> 00:17:25,298
No, but I hit it
with a rock.
445
00:17:25,365 --> 00:17:26,933
Okay, thanks.
446
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,602
Brian, I think my jaw
is falling off.
447
00:17:29,670 --> 00:17:31,337
Oh! Oh, g...
448
00:17:31,405 --> 00:17:32,805
Stewie, what is happening
to this thing?!
449
00:17:32,873 --> 00:17:35,541
Oh, yeah. Turns out the clones
aren't too stable, brian.
450
00:17:35,609 --> 00:17:37,477
I've been having
some trouble with mine, too.
451
00:17:37,544 --> 00:17:40,680
Hey, stewie, everything sounds
like rushing water.
452
00:17:40,748 --> 00:17:43,049
And I can't stand up
so very good.
453
00:17:43,117 --> 00:17:44,784
Yeah, I figure they've got
less than a minute
454
00:17:44,852 --> 00:17:46,285
Before they
dissolve completely.
455
00:17:46,353 --> 00:17:48,287
Hey, brian?
Knock-knock.
456
00:17:48,355 --> 00:17:49,489
Who's there?
457
00:17:49,556 --> 00:17:50,823
(passes gas)
458
00:17:50,891 --> 00:17:52,892
(laughing)
459
00:17:54,928 --> 00:17:57,396
Whoa. I hope
that doesn't happen to me.
460
00:17:59,233 --> 00:18:00,666
He took my dry cleaning
461
00:18:00,734 --> 00:18:02,802
And I have no idea
what he did with the ticket.
462
00:18:02,870 --> 00:18:05,037
Yeah, this was not
a fruitful endeavor.
463
00:18:05,105 --> 00:18:08,074
I'm not proud of this,
but I need to lick that up.
464
00:18:11,278 --> 00:18:13,112
(hard rock playing)
465
00:18:14,381 --> 00:18:15,615
This will be great,
quagmire.
466
00:18:15,682 --> 00:18:17,950
A nudie bar is
the perfect way to celebrate
467
00:18:18,018 --> 00:18:19,252
Your first night
without a baby.
468
00:18:19,319 --> 00:18:20,453
Yeah, peter,
this is great.
469
00:18:20,521 --> 00:18:21,854
I feel like myself again.
470
00:18:21,922 --> 00:18:24,357
I'll tell ya, my life was
so dominated by that baby.
471
00:18:24,424 --> 00:18:25,691
I'm glad she's gone.
472
00:18:25,759 --> 00:18:26,859
Eh, you know sometimes,
you just got
473
00:18:26,927 --> 00:18:28,528
To make a decision
and go with it.
474
00:18:28,595 --> 00:18:30,830
Like when I decided to try
that radical penis enlargement.
475
00:18:32,499 --> 00:18:33,800
Peter, I don't think...
476
00:18:33,867 --> 00:18:35,268
Brian, your objections
are duly noted.
477
00:18:35,335 --> 00:18:36,536
Now hit the gas!
478
00:18:36,603 --> 00:18:37,670
(tires squealing)
479
00:18:38,806 --> 00:18:40,139
(loud snapping)
480
00:18:40,207 --> 00:18:43,142
You know that would never work
again in a million years.
481
00:18:43,210 --> 00:18:44,677
Don't need it to, brian.
482
00:18:47,714 --> 00:18:50,016
Heh. That stripper
has a rash on her ass,
483
00:18:50,083 --> 00:18:51,450
Just like anna lee
used to get.
484
00:18:51,518 --> 00:18:53,186
Uh, yeah.
485
00:18:53,253 --> 00:18:55,121
And that other stripper's
sitting on that guy's lap,
486
00:18:55,189 --> 00:18:56,789
Just like anna lee used to do.
487
00:18:56,857 --> 00:18:58,391
I guess.
488
00:18:58,458 --> 00:19:01,160
And that stripper only has
one tooth, just like anna lee.
489
00:19:01,228 --> 00:19:02,762
Quagmire,
you feeling okay?
490
00:19:02,830 --> 00:19:04,096
I don't know.
491
00:19:04,164 --> 00:19:05,932
I think I might have
made a terrible mistake.
492
00:19:05,999 --> 00:19:08,000
I abandoned my daughter!
493
00:19:08,068 --> 00:19:10,503
Why did I give away
my only daughter?!
494
00:19:10,571 --> 00:19:12,271
(sobbing):
Oh...
495
00:19:12,339 --> 00:19:14,340
Oh, god.
496
00:19:14,408 --> 00:19:16,209
(sobbing)
497
00:19:16,276 --> 00:19:17,710
He'll be fine.
498
00:19:17,778 --> 00:19:19,145
We shouldn't let this
ruin our night.
499
00:19:19,213 --> 00:19:20,913
Let's just enjoy
the strippers.
500
00:19:20,981 --> 00:19:22,281
I guess.
501
00:19:22,349 --> 00:19:24,450
I just hate the way that one
gets so into her work.
502
00:19:24,518 --> 00:19:26,619
You boys have
been very naughty.
503
00:19:26,687 --> 00:19:29,789
I'm going to have to
assign you extra homework.
504
00:19:29,857 --> 00:19:32,725
Darn it.
Fractions are so hard.
505
00:19:32,793 --> 00:19:34,393
What did you get
for number four?
506
00:19:34,461 --> 00:19:36,162
She said, "don't
share answers"!
507
00:19:39,433 --> 00:19:41,634
All right, here
it is: 625 maple.
508
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:43,369
That's the family
that adopted anna lee.
509
00:19:45,606 --> 00:19:47,373
Hey, wait, wait.
Guys?!
510
00:19:47,441 --> 00:19:51,744
Well, it's just me
and my old nemesis, first step.
511
00:19:51,812 --> 00:19:52,912
(laughing)
512
00:19:52,980 --> 00:19:54,113
Hey, joe, what you doing?
513
00:19:54,181 --> 00:19:55,348
You out for a walk?
514
00:19:55,415 --> 00:19:57,016
I hate this block.
515
00:19:59,519 --> 00:20:00,653
(gasps)
there she is!
516
00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:01,721
There's anna lee!
517
00:20:04,691 --> 00:20:06,092
Hang on, anna lee.
I'm coming.
518
00:20:06,159 --> 00:20:07,159
(grunting)
519
00:20:08,962 --> 00:20:10,229
(gasps)
it's them.
520
00:20:17,738 --> 00:20:19,872
Look at her.
521
00:20:19,940 --> 00:20:22,108
She looks so happy.
522
00:20:22,175 --> 00:20:25,211
Almost like she belongs there.
523
00:20:25,279 --> 00:20:27,914
They look like a real family.
524
00:20:27,981 --> 00:20:30,750
I can't take her
away from this.
525
00:20:30,817 --> 00:20:32,418
Joe:
What's happening?!
526
00:20:32,486 --> 00:20:33,986
He's not going
to go through with it!
527
00:20:34,054 --> 00:20:36,555
It's a nice family and the kid
will be better off here!
528
00:20:36,623 --> 00:20:38,157
Aw, that's sweet!
529
00:20:38,225 --> 00:20:40,493
What's the inside
of the house look like?!
530
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:41,994
Colonial!
Furniture's pretty good!
531
00:20:42,062 --> 00:20:43,763
Possibly imported area rug!
532
00:20:43,830 --> 00:20:45,131
Oh, that's nice!
533
00:20:45,198 --> 00:20:47,300
A bit pricey, but for
the money you're spending,
534
00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:49,068
You know, it's not
a bad way to go!
535
00:20:49,136 --> 00:20:50,236
Yeah, for the money!
536
00:20:50,304 --> 00:20:51,437
You ready to go, quagmire?
537
00:20:51,505 --> 00:20:52,905
Yeah.
538
00:20:52,973 --> 00:20:55,341
You know, I got to tell you,
I think you did a good thing.
539
00:20:55,409 --> 00:20:58,210
Well, I guess I just realized
it's not about me.
540
00:20:58,278 --> 00:21:00,713
This family is what's
best for anna lee.
541
00:21:00,781 --> 00:21:02,615
This is her home now.
542
00:21:02,683 --> 00:21:04,317
I got to let her go.
543
00:21:04,384 --> 00:21:05,651
I'm proud of you, quagmire.
544
00:21:05,719 --> 00:21:07,420
Thanks, man.
Hey, who knows?
545
00:21:07,487 --> 00:21:08,888
Maybe I'll bump
into her in 18 years.
546
00:21:08,956 --> 00:21:10,356
What?!
547
00:21:10,424 --> 00:21:12,325
Did you really think I was
going to change that much?
548
00:21:12,392 --> 00:21:13,726
Good night, everybody!