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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,902 --> 00:00:07,171
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,205 --> 00:00:10,741
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,775 --> 00:00:13,744
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:24,059 --> 00:00:28,059
♪ Family Guy 13x08 ♪
Our Idiot Brian
Original Air Date on January 11, 2015
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00:00:28,060 --> 00:00:33,360
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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Hallmark
Original Pictures presents
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00:00:35,468 --> 00:00:38,770
an instant family classic:
Summers With My Slow Brother,
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00:00:38,805 --> 00:00:41,340
starring a cast of people
who make you say "Oh,"
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00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:43,275
because you didn't think
they were still acting.
16
00:00:43,309 --> 00:00:45,077
For example, Grant Show.
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00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:46,111
Oh.
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00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:47,112
Rachael Leigh Cook.
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00:00:47,113 --> 00:00:48,113
Oh.
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00:00:48,114 --> 00:00:49,114
David Faustino.
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00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:50,115
Oh.
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00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:51,583
And Robin Tunney.
Huh?
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00:00:51,617 --> 00:00:53,552
The bald-headed chick
from Empire Records.
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00:00:53,586 --> 00:00:54,653
Oh.
25
00:00:54,687 --> 00:00:55,887
Guys, could you
turn that down?
26
00:00:55,888 --> 00:00:57,656
I'm trying to study
for the SAT.
27
00:00:57,690 --> 00:00:58,990
Hey, careful, Meg.
28
00:00:59,025 --> 00:01:00,692
Remember what happened
the last time I had to choose
29
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:02,060
between you and the TV.
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00:01:02,095 --> 00:01:04,529
Don't worry.
Meg's holding our stuff.
31
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:07,399
Meg, don't drink
that soda!
32
00:01:07,433 --> 00:01:08,700
I'm serious, you guys.
33
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,369
I haven't been doing well
on these practice tests,
34
00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:12,704
and I need to improve my score
to get into a good college.
35
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,406
You're in high school,
sweetie.
36
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,375
You should be much more
concerned about your weight
37
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:18,043
than your SAT scores.
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00:01:18,077 --> 00:01:19,211
Don't listen to her, Meg.
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00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:20,746
Academics are
extremely important.
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00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:22,714
Are the SATs essential?
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00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:24,416
Vital? Crucial?
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00:01:24,450 --> 00:01:26,451
All of the above.
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00:01:26,486 --> 00:01:28,987
I'll get the scissors
and cut that poop off your bum.
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00:01:29,021 --> 00:01:30,822
Meg, trust me,
you ace these SATs,
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00:01:30,857 --> 00:01:32,424
you could go on
to do anything.
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00:01:32,458 --> 00:01:34,359
You could be a doctor,
an architect.
47
00:01:34,394 --> 00:01:36,695
Hell, you could even coach
the Mighty Ducks.
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00:01:36,729 --> 00:01:38,864
All right, the championship
is on the line.
49
00:01:38,898 --> 00:01:41,066
It's time for a formation
they're not expecting.
50
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:42,234
The Flying V?
51
00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:45,203
No. The Stinky V.
52
00:01:57,049 --> 00:01:58,917
Wassup, my sistas?
53
00:01:58,951 --> 00:02:01,887
Ooh, I ain't sat down
in a hot minute!
54
00:02:01,921 --> 00:02:03,822
What the hell? Why are
you talking like that?
55
00:02:03,856 --> 00:02:06,191
Sorry, I have
family in town.
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00:02:06,225 --> 00:02:07,559
You guys, I'm freaking out.
57
00:02:07,593 --> 00:02:09,161
The SATs are this weekend,
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00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:11,263
and there's no way
I'm gonna get a good score.
59
00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:13,832
You know, Meg, maybe you should
get someone super smart
60
00:02:13,866 --> 00:02:15,100
to take it for you.
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00:02:15,134 --> 00:02:16,435
Have someone
take it for me?
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00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:17,803
But that's cheating.
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00:02:17,837 --> 00:02:19,905
No one cares about
cheating anymore, Meg.
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00:02:19,939 --> 00:02:21,740
Not since
Slick Willy Clinton
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00:02:21,774 --> 00:02:23,708
lowered the nation's
moral standards.
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00:02:23,743 --> 00:02:25,544
God, give it up, Patty.
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00:02:25,578 --> 00:02:28,213
I'm just saying, find
someone really smart
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00:02:28,247 --> 00:02:30,782
to take the SAT for you
in exchange for money.
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00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:33,552
Did someone say
"Jewish"?
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00:02:33,586 --> 00:02:35,153
Oh, hey, Neil.
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00:02:35,188 --> 00:02:37,022
Listen, is there
any chance
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00:02:37,056 --> 00:02:39,991
you'd be willing to take the
SAT for me this weekend?
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00:02:40,026 --> 00:02:41,359
Sorry, Meg, I'm swamped.
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00:02:41,394 --> 00:02:43,462
I'm taking my body
into the shop.
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00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:46,965
I don't know what you've been
doing to this thing, Neil,
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00:02:46,999 --> 00:02:48,099
but you see this gunk?
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00:02:48,134 --> 00:02:49,634
That ain't supposed
to be there.
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00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:51,336
Well, just do
whatever you can.
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00:02:51,370 --> 00:02:53,638
All right, I'm gonna go eat
a sandwich with one hand
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00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,941
and fill out the invoice
with the other.
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00:02:55,975 --> 00:02:57,008
Don't worry, Meg.
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00:02:57,043 --> 00:02:58,203
There's got to
be someone else
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00:02:58,211 --> 00:02:59,891
who'd be willing to take
that test for you.
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00:02:59,912 --> 00:03:00,912
Like who?
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00:03:00,913 --> 00:03:02,080
You guys are my only friends,
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00:03:02,114 --> 00:03:03,682
and everyone
in my family's a moron.
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00:03:03,716 --> 00:03:05,217
What about your
hot mom, Meg?
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00:03:05,251 --> 00:03:07,385
What?
I said how about your dog? He's smart.
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00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:08,987
That doesn't sound
like what you said,
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00:03:09,021 --> 00:03:11,056
but yeah,
Brian is kind of smart.
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00:03:11,090 --> 00:03:13,425
Maybe I'll get him
to take it for me.
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00:03:13,459 --> 00:03:15,460
Your mom's so hot.
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00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:21,833
We now return to another
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00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,301
Michael Jordan
underwear commercial
95
00:03:23,336 --> 00:03:25,437
on a plane for some reason.
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00:03:25,471 --> 00:03:27,305
Does your underwear
have tags?
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00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:28,707
Uh, what?
98
00:03:28,741 --> 00:03:30,809
Uh, Mr. Jordan, you're gonna
have to take your seat
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00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:33,144
and stop asking people
about their underwear.
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00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:35,180
Oh, hey, Brian.
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00:03:35,214 --> 00:03:37,382
I was just thinking
about you.
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00:03:37,416 --> 00:03:39,417
You know how I've always
loved your novel
103
00:03:39,452 --> 00:03:41,052
Faster Than the
Speed of Love?
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00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:42,454
Okay, what's this?
105
00:03:42,488 --> 00:03:44,990
She's peanut buttering you up
for something.
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00:03:45,024 --> 00:03:47,058
No, I-I didn't even know
you'd read my novel.
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00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:49,294
Oh, yeah. I'm a huge
fan of "FATSPOL."
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00:03:49,328 --> 00:03:52,230
That's the acronym I use for
Faster Than the Speed of Love,
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00:03:52,265 --> 00:03:53,798
because I mention
it so much.
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00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:55,534
God, that would've
saved me years.
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00:03:55,568 --> 00:03:57,502
Anyway, I was just rereading
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00:03:57,537 --> 00:03:59,404
my favorite passage
the other day.
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00:03:59,438 --> 00:04:02,774
"The weight of the gun
in Jason's hand surprised him.
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00:04:02,808 --> 00:04:06,011
'How heavy,' he wondered,
'is the human soul?'"
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00:04:06,045 --> 00:04:07,078
That's page one.
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00:04:07,113 --> 00:04:08,513
She's quoting page one.
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00:04:08,548 --> 00:04:09,981
Your book is genius, Brian.
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00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:13,318
I can't believe Amazon
is dumping it for 99 cents.
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00:04:13,352 --> 00:04:14,753
What?! My book is on Amazon?!
120
00:04:14,787 --> 00:04:15,921
Oh, yeah, Brian,
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00:04:15,955 --> 00:04:17,989
there's something
for everyone on Amazon.
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00:04:25,131 --> 00:04:26,998
In fact,
you're so smart,
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00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:29,834
I thought you'd be
the perfect person
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00:04:29,869 --> 00:04:32,237
to maybe take
the SAT for me.
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00:04:32,271 --> 00:04:34,272
What? But that would be wrong.
126
00:04:34,307 --> 00:04:36,575
Well, I suppose you may
look at it that way.
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00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:39,778
But a wise book once said,
"With the heart at stake,
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00:04:39,812 --> 00:04:42,881
right and wrong is
a stake through the heart."
129
00:04:42,915 --> 00:04:44,049
That one's on the cover.
130
00:04:44,083 --> 00:04:47,218
Wow, ensnared by
my own verbal trap.
131
00:04:47,253 --> 00:04:49,321
Well played, me, through you.
132
00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:51,890
All right, Meg,
I'll take that test for you.
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00:04:51,924 --> 00:04:53,325
I guess what I'm saying is,
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00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:56,695
"Ace Pilotson,
reporting for World War Love."
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00:04:56,729 --> 00:04:58,430
What?
She didn't read the book, Bri.
136
00:04:58,464 --> 00:04:59,664
That's your
main character.
137
00:04:59,699 --> 00:05:01,666
Don't worry, Meg--
I'm always here to help.
138
00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:04,269
Like a 1960s British policeman.
139
00:05:04,303 --> 00:05:06,204
Officer! Me child's
been kidnapped!
140
00:05:06,238 --> 00:05:08,540
Calm down, ma'am, it's
all under control.
141
00:05:08,574 --> 00:05:10,308
I've got a whistle,
a cloth helmet,
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00:05:10,343 --> 00:05:12,911
a key to a call box, a
soft rubber truncheon,
143
00:05:12,945 --> 00:05:14,980
and a map of the city.
Please hurry!
144
00:05:15,014 --> 00:05:16,615
I don't much
like your tone.
145
00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:20,385
That's a tiny pencil-and-pad
citation for you!
146
00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:27,559
Okay, Bria you can do this.
147
00:05:31,430 --> 00:05:32,864
Hey, Meg.
Hi, Meg.
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00:05:32,898 --> 00:05:34,899
Hey, how's it going?
149
00:05:38,070 --> 00:05:39,704
My locker.
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00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:42,907
Meg, I thought we were
gonna try to work on that.
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00:05:47,079 --> 00:05:48,780
Hey, other teens,
152
00:05:48,814 --> 00:05:51,049
how about our youth culture,
am I right?
153
00:05:51,083 --> 00:05:52,917
All the new hairs we're getting.
154
00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:55,153
Hey, hashtag SATs, huh?
155
00:05:55,187 --> 00:05:56,655
Yeah, I guess.
156
00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:58,423
Wow, I can't believe
this worked.
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00:05:58,457 --> 00:06:00,692
I was afraid I'd stick out,
like the one guy
158
00:06:00,726 --> 00:06:02,927
in Lincoln's cabinet
who didn't have a beard.
159
00:06:02,962 --> 00:06:06,364
I want to win this war,
and I want to do it fast. Ideas?
160
00:06:06,399 --> 00:06:08,299
We should meet the rebels
head-on in Virginia.
161
00:06:08,334 --> 00:06:10,869
Yes, and use our ships
to block their supply chains.
162
00:06:10,903 --> 00:06:12,737
We could also use
our troop advantage
163
00:06:12,772 --> 00:06:14,472
to out-flank them
in the west.
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00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:16,941
Uh, what did that
baby just say?
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00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:19,644
All right, cell phones away,
eyes on your own paper,
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00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:22,480
and before we start,
who's giving me a ride home?
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00:06:22,515 --> 00:06:24,582
Not you, a girl.
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00:06:26,118 --> 00:06:27,686
For luck, Meg.
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00:06:29,121 --> 00:06:31,423
We're all rooting for ya.
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00:06:34,527 --> 00:06:37,595
We now return to Malcolm XXY.
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00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:39,097
We didn't land on Plymouth Rock!
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00:06:39,131 --> 00:06:40,298
Yeah!
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00:06:40,332 --> 00:06:42,434
Plymouth Rock gave us
both sets of genitals!
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00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:44,169
- Yeah!
- What?
175
00:06:44,203 --> 00:06:45,603
Mail's here.
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00:06:45,638 --> 00:06:47,439
I got my SAT scores.
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00:06:47,473 --> 00:06:48,640
So, how'd we do?
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00:06:48,674 --> 00:06:50,642
"We" scored a thousand.
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00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:53,678
Nice! One thousand,
on the nose.
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00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:55,847
Boop! You are welcome.
181
00:06:55,881 --> 00:06:59,751
Brian, that's a thousand
out of a possible 2,400!
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00:06:59,785 --> 00:07:02,120
That's the worst score
in my class!
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00:07:02,154 --> 00:07:03,354
What?!
Damn it,
184
00:07:03,389 --> 00:07:05,423
why did I ever think
you were smart?
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00:07:05,458 --> 00:07:08,059
That's... that's not possible.
186
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,794
Ha-ha! Brian's stupid!
187
00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:12,030
I must alert
the townsfolk!
188
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:16,367
Hyah! Fly, Artemis, fly!
189
00:07:16,402 --> 00:07:18,436
Hark, townsfolk!
190
00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:20,205
Brian, uh...
191
00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:22,907
he... oh, damn,
what was it?
192
00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:24,042
Brian...
193
00:07:24,076 --> 00:07:26,311
Brian goes to college?
No.
194
00:07:26,345 --> 00:07:28,379
Brian gets
another book published?
195
00:07:28,414 --> 00:07:30,515
Y-Yeah. Yeah,
maybe that's it.
196
00:07:30,549 --> 00:07:34,652
Tell all that Brian's getting
another book published!
197
00:07:34,687 --> 00:07:35,920
Oh, thank God!
198
00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:38,690
I thought it was gonna be
a Meg episode all throughout.
199
00:07:44,276 --> 00:07:46,845
I got the lowest score
in Meg's class?
200
00:07:46,879 --> 00:07:48,580
How could this happen?
201
00:07:48,614 --> 00:07:50,982
Face it, Brian,
this proves that you're stupid.
202
00:07:51,016 --> 00:07:53,418
Proves it empirically.
203
00:07:53,452 --> 00:07:55,620
That means it's verified.
I know!
204
00:07:55,654 --> 00:07:57,689
I just weirdly woke up
in the laundry room.
205
00:07:57,723 --> 00:07:59,958
Not now, Peter!
Geez, what's wrong with you?
206
00:07:59,992 --> 00:08:03,661
Brian took the SAT for Meg,
and it turns out he's an idiot.
207
00:08:03,696 --> 00:08:05,096
That's not true!
208
00:08:05,131 --> 00:08:06,931
Methinks the Hoff
protest a month.
209
00:08:06,966 --> 00:08:09,100
Do you even know what
you're trying to say?
210
00:08:09,135 --> 00:08:11,536
Hey, look, don't feel bad,
Brian-- it's fun being stupid.
211
00:08:11,570 --> 00:08:13,204
You don't got to
worry about nothing,
212
00:08:13,239 --> 00:08:15,640
you don't got to read books,
and you never die.
213
00:08:15,674 --> 00:08:17,142
Peter, that...
that's not correct.
214
00:08:17,176 --> 00:08:18,576
How would you
know, stupid?
215
00:08:20,279 --> 00:08:22,013
Thanks a lot, SAT.
216
00:08:22,047 --> 00:08:24,449
Man, this is
the worst day of my life.
217
00:08:24,483 --> 00:08:26,518
Empirically.
Eh, careful.
218
00:08:26,552 --> 00:08:28,386
Brian, being a dumb
guy's not so awful.
219
00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:30,889
I'll show you. Come on, you're
spending the day with me.
220
00:08:30,923 --> 00:08:33,358
Here, you want a beer?
Peter, it's 11:00 a.m.
221
00:08:33,392 --> 00:08:35,727
If the clock ain't digital,
you don't know that.
222
00:08:35,761 --> 00:08:38,163
Well, actually,
I could use a drink.
223
00:08:38,197 --> 00:08:39,831
There you go! You look
stupider already.
224
00:08:39,865 --> 00:08:41,432
Let's go.
Where are we going?
225
00:08:41,467 --> 00:08:42,901
Who cares?
Now, come on,
226
00:08:42,935 --> 00:08:45,470
we're gonna party like
it's the Roaring Twenties.
227
00:08:47,173 --> 00:08:49,207
♪ No TV, movies suck ♪
228
00:08:49,241 --> 00:08:51,342
♪ I'm here with my gal ♪
229
00:08:51,377 --> 00:08:53,344
♪ Shake your hands,
kick around ♪
230
00:08:53,379 --> 00:08:55,413
♪ Wear a suit to breakfast ♪
231
00:08:55,447 --> 00:08:57,148
♪ Underwear that laces up ♪
232
00:08:57,183 --> 00:08:59,184
♪ All girls have
a guy's haircut ♪
233
00:08:59,218 --> 00:09:01,386
♪ Crank your car
to make it start ♪
234
00:09:01,420 --> 00:09:05,223
♪ You will die of measles. ♪
235
00:09:13,766 --> 00:09:15,099
Oh, my God!
236
00:09:15,134 --> 00:09:17,502
Yeah, see, people go
to NASCAR hoping for a crash.
237
00:09:17,536 --> 00:09:19,003
Well, this is all crashes.
238
00:09:19,038 --> 00:09:21,039
But that guy could've been hurt!
Why are you laughing?
239
00:09:21,073 --> 00:09:23,274
'Cause it's funny! What, do you
think you're better than me?
240
00:09:23,309 --> 00:09:25,410
By the way, a huge part
of being an idiot
241
00:09:25,444 --> 00:09:26,511
is constantly
accusing people
242
00:09:26,545 --> 00:09:27,879
of thinking
they're better than you.
243
00:09:27,913 --> 00:09:30,148
That and forwarding
mildly funny e-mails
244
00:09:30,182 --> 00:09:32,250
way after everybody's
already seen them.
245
00:09:32,284 --> 00:09:34,118
Heh. You know this one's funny
246
00:09:34,153 --> 00:09:36,487
'cause there's
seven fonts in 12 colors.
247
00:09:37,990 --> 00:09:41,025
Ha-ha! Dad, I just got
this hilarious e-mail!
248
00:09:41,060 --> 00:09:43,194
You got to see this!
249
00:09:43,229 --> 00:09:45,830
Ha-ha! Chris would love this.
250
00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:49,667
Hey, it looks like
251
00:09:49,702 --> 00:09:51,736
they're shooting T-shirts
into the crowd.
252
00:09:53,706 --> 00:09:56,207
Oh, those aren't T-shirts.
Thems is hot dogs.
253
00:09:57,810 --> 00:09:59,377
Huh. That's
kind of cool.
254
00:09:59,411 --> 00:10:00,678
I want a hot dog.
255
00:10:00,713 --> 00:10:03,081
Well, then you better
move quick-- he's reloading!
256
00:10:07,853 --> 00:10:09,821
Yeah! Free
flying meat!
257
00:10:09,855 --> 00:10:11,856
Hey, you feel good
about yourself, jagoff?
258
00:10:11,890 --> 00:10:14,492
Yeah, that's right-- I knocked
your kid over to get a hot dog.
259
00:10:14,526 --> 00:10:16,127
What, do you think
you're better than me?!
260
00:10:16,161 --> 00:10:17,528
What, you think
you're better than me?!
261
00:10:17,563 --> 00:10:18,796
You think you're
better than me?!
262
00:10:18,831 --> 00:10:21,666
Ah, look at you, Brian,
right at home with us dumb guys.
263
00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:24,736
You're blending in better than
a centipede among millipedes.
264
00:10:24,770 --> 00:10:26,504
Well, what should
we do today?
265
00:10:26,538 --> 00:10:28,172
Let's try on
1,000 shoes.
266
00:10:28,207 --> 00:10:30,275
Wait a minute.
267
00:10:42,855 --> 00:10:45,056
You're an imposter!
268
00:10:45,090 --> 00:10:46,557
♪ If it hadn't been for
Cotton-Eye Joe ♪
269
00:10:46,592 --> 00:10:48,726
♪ I'd been married
long time ago ♪
270
00:10:48,761 --> 00:10:50,595
♪ Where did you come from,
where did you go? ♪
271
00:10:50,629 --> 00:10:52,230
♪ Where did you
come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? ♪
272
00:10:52,264 --> 00:10:54,198
♪ If it hadn't been
for Cotton-Eye Joe ♪
273
00:10:54,233 --> 00:10:55,967
♪ I'd been married
long time ago ♪
274
00:10:56,001 --> 00:10:57,869
♪ Where did you come from,
where did you go? ♪
275
00:10:57,903 --> 00:10:59,804
♪ Where did you
come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?Î
276
00:10:59,838 --> 00:11:01,839
♪ ♪
277
00:11:13,419 --> 00:11:15,420
♪ ♪
278
00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:29,767
♪ If it hadn't been
for Cotton-Eye Joe ♪
279
00:11:29,802 --> 00:11:32,003
♪ I'd been married
long time ago ♪
280
00:11:32,037 --> 00:11:33,838
♪ Where did you come from,
where did you go? ♪
281
00:11:33,872 --> 00:11:36,074
♪ Where did you
come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? ♪
282
00:11:36,108 --> 00:11:38,176
♪ If it hadn't been
for Cotton-Eye Joe ♪
283
00:11:38,210 --> 00:11:39,677
♪ I'd been married
long time ago ♪
284
00:11:39,712 --> 00:11:41,446
♪ Where did you come from,
where did you go? ♪
285
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,681
♪ Where did you
come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? ♪
286
00:11:48,921 --> 00:11:50,855
Hey, yo, Stew.
My boy Peter and I
287
00:11:50,889 --> 00:11:52,824
are watching the Sandler movie
That's My Boy.
288
00:11:52,858 --> 00:11:54,392
You gotta come
check it out, man.
289
00:11:54,426 --> 00:11:55,660
It's amazeballs.
290
00:11:55,694 --> 00:11:57,628
This is just
the DVD menu.
291
00:12:00,366 --> 00:12:01,532
No way.
292
00:12:01,567 --> 00:12:03,534
Aw, man, I am
buzzin' hardcore
293
00:12:03,569 --> 00:12:05,169
off of that chaw, man.
294
00:12:05,204 --> 00:12:06,304
Brian, what
the deuce?
295
00:12:06,338 --> 00:12:08,039
Deuce.
296
00:12:08,073 --> 00:12:09,774
Like poo.
Yes, yes, deuce like poo.
297
00:12:09,808 --> 00:12:11,242
But what the devil
has happened to you?
298
00:12:11,276 --> 00:12:13,244
Uh, I woke up, Kemosabe?
299
00:12:13,278 --> 00:12:15,880
No, I mean it. How
could one bad test score
300
00:12:15,914 --> 00:12:17,915
transform you into
a complete moron?
301
00:12:17,950 --> 00:12:20,251
Brian, I'm concerned something
is very wrong with you.
302
00:12:20,285 --> 00:12:22,520
Nah, man, I've never
felt better, Beef Stew.
303
00:12:22,554 --> 00:12:23,721
Bazinga!
304
00:12:23,756 --> 00:12:26,057
Like what
the gay scientist says.
305
00:12:26,091 --> 00:12:28,192
Hey, Brian,
say something else from TV.
306
00:12:28,227 --> 00:12:30,228
What you talkin' 'bout,
Phyllis?!
307
00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:36,401
Aw, gross,
he's getting his nose period.
308
00:12:36,435 --> 00:12:38,336
Oh, my God! We've got
to get him to a hospital!
309
00:12:38,370 --> 00:12:39,690
Don't worry, Brian,
I'll save you.
310
00:12:39,705 --> 00:12:40,838
I'm good in a crisis.
311
00:12:40,873 --> 00:12:43,307
After all, I used to work
the suicide hotline.
312
00:12:43,342 --> 00:12:45,843
I-I just can't take it.
313
00:12:45,878 --> 00:12:49,347
I discovered my wife's
been cheating on me for a while.
314
00:12:49,381 --> 00:12:51,149
And I just...
315
00:12:51,183 --> 00:12:54,852
I can't live like this.
316
00:12:54,887 --> 00:12:57,855
I have to kill myself.
317
00:12:57,890 --> 00:13:01,225
Doesn't it make more sense
to kill her?
318
00:13:04,663 --> 00:13:06,663
Brian, the good news is
we've stopped the bleeding.
319
00:13:06,665 --> 00:13:08,433
And we've removed
the Matchbox car
320
00:13:08,467 --> 00:13:09,967
that was lodged
in your rectum.
321
00:13:10,002 --> 00:13:11,636
I did that right
after you passed out.
322
00:13:11,670 --> 00:13:14,839
Classic P-Dog.
323
00:13:14,873 --> 00:13:17,175
But, Dr. Hartman,
why did he lose consciousness?
324
00:13:17,209 --> 00:13:19,644
Well, keeping in mind the
recent behavioral changes
325
00:13:19,678 --> 00:13:21,779
you've described,
I did a CAT scan...
326
00:13:21,814 --> 00:13:22,980
On a dog.
327
00:13:23,015 --> 00:13:24,515
We laughed about
that, too.
328
00:13:24,550 --> 00:13:28,419
However, I'm sorry to inform you
that Brian has a brain tumor.
329
00:13:29,588 --> 00:13:31,022
Oh, my God.
330
00:13:31,056 --> 00:13:32,623
There's only one thing to do:
331
00:13:32,658 --> 00:13:35,827
shrink down to microscopic size,
enter Brian's brain,
332
00:13:35,861 --> 00:13:38,696
and destroy the tumor
from within.
333
00:13:41,066 --> 00:13:43,067
I was raped by a bug.
334
00:13:46,965 --> 00:13:49,433
Brain tumor. How
is that possible?
335
00:13:49,468 --> 00:13:51,769
As a father in a hospital
getting bad news,
336
00:13:51,803 --> 00:13:55,273
I am gonna sadly slide down
the wall and take my hat off.
337
00:13:58,710 --> 00:14:00,344
I forgot the hat.
338
00:14:00,379 --> 00:14:03,614
So, Doc, w... um, how much
Jamba Juice do I have to drink
339
00:14:03,649 --> 00:14:05,149
to cure this?
Um...
340
00:14:05,183 --> 00:14:07,985
I-I've also heard that,
like, crystals exist?
341
00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:10,655
Dr. Hartman, do you think
the brain tumor might explain
342
00:14:10,689 --> 00:14:12,857
why Brian's been acting
so odd lately?
343
00:14:12,891 --> 00:14:16,027
Hmm, well, I haven't heard of
brains being linked to behavior,
344
00:14:16,061 --> 00:14:17,695
but I suppose
anything is possible.
345
00:14:17,729 --> 00:14:19,897
Mom, is Dad gonna die?
346
00:14:19,931 --> 00:14:22,333
No, Chris, Brian is the one
with the brain tumor.
347
00:14:22,367 --> 00:14:24,302
Dr. Hartman,
what's the prognosis?
348
00:14:24,336 --> 00:14:27,571
Well, it says here Brian's
tumor is for office use only.
349
00:14:27,606 --> 00:14:30,541
Benign. It says "benign."
350
00:14:30,575 --> 00:14:32,877
Oh, Brian, that's wonderful
news! You're going to be okay!
351
00:14:32,911 --> 00:14:34,512
Winning!
352
00:14:34,546 --> 00:14:36,480
Remember
somebody said that?
353
00:14:36,515 --> 00:14:39,016
Well, since Brian's tumor poses
no immediate threat,
354
00:14:39,051 --> 00:14:40,885
we can schedule surgery
to remove it,
355
00:14:40,919 --> 00:14:43,287
and he'll be back
to his old self in no time.
356
00:14:43,322 --> 00:14:45,322
Well, I say we get that tumor
out of him right away
357
00:14:45,324 --> 00:14:47,024
before he gets any dumber.
No way.
358
00:14:47,059 --> 00:14:48,693
I'm never going back
to my old self.
359
00:14:48,727 --> 00:14:50,695
I rock like this.
I'm legit.
360
00:14:50,729 --> 00:14:52,897
I'm uber.
I'm awesome-sauce.
361
00:14:52,931 --> 00:14:55,366
Either take the tumor out of him
or put one in me!
362
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:56,567
I can't stand this!
363
00:14:56,601 --> 00:14:58,502
So i-if Brian doesn't have
the surgery,
364
00:14:58,537 --> 00:15:00,037
will he be all right?
365
00:15:00,072 --> 00:15:02,206
I don't know. Is
Dax Shepard all right?
366
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,475
Eh, seems kind
of gratuitous.
367
00:15:04,509 --> 00:15:07,411
My point is, Brian could have
the surgery and be smart again,
368
00:15:07,446 --> 00:15:09,947
or he could skip the surgery
and stay dumb like this.
369
00:15:09,981 --> 00:15:12,616
Well, Brian,
if-if you're happy this way...
370
00:15:12,651 --> 00:15:14,485
Hells to the yeah,
I am!
371
00:15:14,519 --> 00:15:16,487
Hey, um, I was told
there would be a lollipop
372
00:15:16,521 --> 00:15:18,022
at the end of this?
373
00:15:18,056 --> 00:15:19,890
Good, he doesn't know
about the stickers.
374
00:15:19,925 --> 00:15:21,225
I'll take two.
375
00:15:21,259 --> 00:15:22,893
Brian, you're not thinking
clearly, all right?
376
00:15:22,928 --> 00:15:24,729
You've got to agree
to this surgery.
377
00:15:24,763 --> 00:15:27,164
Because right now, you're
as useless as Black Widow is
378
00:15:27,199 --> 00:15:28,532
to the Avengers.
379
00:15:28,567 --> 00:15:30,568
So... what's
your superpower?
380
00:15:30,602 --> 00:15:31,902
Kicking.
381
00:15:31,937 --> 00:15:33,804
Oh, right, 'cause
none of us can kick.
382
00:15:33,839 --> 00:15:36,907
Hey, which one
of you guys can kick?
383
00:15:36,942 --> 00:15:38,943
Hulk, stop being nice.
384
00:15:38,977 --> 00:15:40,745
Sorry.
385
00:15:45,751 --> 00:15:49,587
Hey, this isn't the
Kenny Chesney concert.
386
00:15:49,621 --> 00:15:52,390
No, I'm afraid that was a white
lie to get you here, Brian.
387
00:15:52,424 --> 00:15:54,892
This is the opera.
I'm hoping that re-exposing you
388
00:15:54,926 --> 00:15:58,562
to high culture will remind you
of the joys of a refined mind.
389
00:15:58,597 --> 00:16:01,232
Cool. I'm sitting on my
foot to hold in a dump.
390
00:16:01,266 --> 00:16:03,200
Please don't
embarrass me here.
391
00:16:03,235 --> 00:16:06,237
Pepperoni pie,
extra cheese. G32.
392
00:16:06,271 --> 00:16:07,905
Oh, cool.
My friend Pete is here.
393
00:16:07,939 --> 00:16:09,640
Pete Za.
394
00:16:09,674 --> 00:16:12,376
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. That's
gonna be me in, like, a minute.
395
00:16:12,411 --> 00:16:13,544
Over here, bro!
396
00:16:13,578 --> 00:16:16,247
Aw, I moved my foot.
397
00:16:18,250 --> 00:16:20,351
Hey, this isn't
the Kenny Chesney concert.
398
00:16:20,385 --> 00:16:22,686
No, Brian,
this is called yoga.
399
00:16:22,721 --> 00:16:25,222
Lots of smart people do it
instead of going to church.
400
00:16:25,257 --> 00:16:27,758
And after we get done with this,
you're going to talk a lot
401
00:16:27,793 --> 00:16:29,760
about being present
and grounded.
402
00:16:29,795 --> 00:16:31,562
You're going to be
impossible to be around.
403
00:16:31,596 --> 00:16:33,597
Let's get started.
404
00:16:34,599 --> 00:16:36,534
Whoa! Schwing!
405
00:16:36,568 --> 00:16:40,671
Schwing! Schwing!
Schwing! Schwing!
406
00:16:41,740 --> 00:16:43,040
That was from
Wayne's World.
407
00:16:43,074 --> 00:16:45,443
That's the sound
of Wayne's boner.
408
00:16:49,648 --> 00:16:51,115
Okay, before
you say anything, no,
409
00:16:51,149 --> 00:16:52,983
this is not
the Kenny Chesney concert.
410
00:16:53,018 --> 00:16:55,786
We're here to have a nice
civilized dinner and to show you
411
00:16:55,821 --> 00:16:57,955
that you don't have to eat
all your meals in your car.
412
00:16:57,989 --> 00:16:59,457
Now, we're going to start
by hearing the waiter
413
00:16:59,491 --> 00:17:00,958
give us the specials.
414
00:17:00,992 --> 00:17:04,028
Good evening. Our first special
is an almond-crusted salmon...
415
00:17:04,062 --> 00:17:05,896
Hey, cram it, skinny.
Give me free food
416
00:17:05,931 --> 00:17:08,899
or I'm gonna tell people on Yelp
there was a pube in my salad.
417
00:17:08,934 --> 00:17:10,301
Free food,
right away.
418
00:17:10,335 --> 00:17:11,469
Okay. All right.
419
00:17:11,503 --> 00:17:13,471
I forgot that Yelp
is a weapon for dumb people.
420
00:17:13,505 --> 00:17:15,139
You taught me something
today, Bri.
421
00:17:15,173 --> 00:17:17,475
That I can throw
a frog a hundred feet?
422
00:17:17,509 --> 00:17:19,310
I can't change you back.
423
00:17:19,344 --> 00:17:21,645
This whole endeavor
was doomed to fail.
424
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:24,114
Like an Asian guy
going to a salon.
425
00:17:24,149 --> 00:17:27,418
Hi. I want to have
my anus breached.
426
00:17:30,922 --> 00:17:32,423
He's gone, Rupert.
427
00:17:32,457 --> 00:17:34,758
It appears I've lost
Brian to the dumb side.
428
00:17:34,793 --> 00:17:37,294
So now I need you
to be Brian.
429
00:17:37,329 --> 00:17:39,363
Here's your collar.
And here's a laptop.
430
00:17:39,397 --> 00:17:41,432
Write something bad.
431
00:17:43,435 --> 00:17:45,336
"It was the last
day of summer
432
00:17:45,370 --> 00:17:47,872
and the first day of
the rest of her life."
433
00:17:47,906 --> 00:17:50,341
Wow! You did that
with your face!
434
00:17:50,375 --> 00:17:53,010
Hey, what's this?
Gaylord practice?
435
00:17:53,044 --> 00:17:55,379
That's the eighth time
you've asked me that today.
436
00:17:55,413 --> 00:17:57,281
Listen, Brian, I've been trying
to change you.
437
00:17:57,315 --> 00:17:59,783
But I realize
that if you're happy,
438
00:17:59,818 --> 00:18:02,520
I need to accept the you
that you want to be.
439
00:18:02,554 --> 00:18:04,255
No matter how painful that is.
440
00:18:04,289 --> 00:18:05,756
What are you doing?
441
00:18:05,790 --> 00:18:08,626
Oh, my friend Terry told me you
can get high from licking paint.
442
00:18:08,660 --> 00:18:09,660
Who's Terry?
443
00:18:09,661 --> 00:18:10,661
He's friends
with Gus.
444
00:18:10,662 --> 00:18:11,662
Who's Gus?
445
00:18:11,663 --> 00:18:13,063
Um, Gus is
Terry's friend.
446
00:18:13,098 --> 00:18:14,698
It... You kind of
had to be there.
447
00:18:14,733 --> 00:18:17,034
For what?
No story has been told!
448
00:18:17,068 --> 00:18:20,037
Okay, well, I'm gonna go put on
my python and walk to the park.
449
00:18:20,071 --> 00:18:21,639
Brian, wait. I'm...
450
00:18:21,673 --> 00:18:25,276
I'm trying to say that I accept
your choice to forego surgery.
451
00:18:25,310 --> 00:18:28,479
I release you into
the thick mire of stupidity.
452
00:18:28,513 --> 00:18:30,481
Hey, Brian, I started
the car in the garage
453
00:18:30,515 --> 00:18:31,815
and it's all
foggy in there.
454
00:18:31,850 --> 00:18:33,250
Want to go pretend
we're in London?
455
00:18:33,285 --> 00:18:35,719
Oh, totally!
Shrimp on the barbie, huh?
456
00:18:35,754 --> 00:18:38,489
Yes!
457
00:18:38,523 --> 00:18:40,357
Good Lord,
if I don't do something,
458
00:18:40,392 --> 00:18:41,825
his stupidity will kill him.
459
00:18:41,860 --> 00:18:43,761
And then I'd lose Brian forever.
460
00:18:43,795 --> 00:18:46,664
Like that dog
the Russians shot into space.
461
00:18:51,503 --> 00:18:53,470
He made it! Your
dog is in orbit!
462
00:18:53,505 --> 00:18:56,473
Is wonderful.
How do we get him back now?
463
00:18:56,508 --> 00:18:58,475
Oh... about that.
464
00:18:58,510 --> 00:18:59,810
We do not.
465
00:18:59,844 --> 00:19:03,180
Oh, my poor dog.
He will die up there.
466
00:19:10,188 --> 00:19:12,823
Joke on them!
I find happy dog planet.
467
00:19:12,857 --> 00:19:16,093
In 50 years, we all go back
to Earth and bite everybody.
468
00:19:16,127 --> 00:19:17,428
But now we dance!
469
00:19:21,933 --> 00:19:24,034
I've got to convince him
to get that tumor removed
470
00:19:24,069 --> 00:19:25,736
before it's too late.
471
00:19:27,606 --> 00:19:31,008
Now, remember, it's England,
so take long deep breaths.
472
00:19:31,042 --> 00:19:32,343
Wait a second.
473
00:19:32,377 --> 00:19:34,411
I've been approaching this
far too intelligently.
474
00:19:34,446 --> 00:19:36,914
He's an idiot,
so this won't be hard at all.
475
00:19:36,948 --> 00:19:39,249
Hey, Brian, you want
to go see Dr. Hartman
476
00:19:39,284 --> 00:19:41,585
and get that procedure
where you get two wieners?
477
00:19:41,620 --> 00:19:43,387
Whoa! Hell yeah!
478
00:19:43,421 --> 00:19:45,723
That way, when I watch
Black Swan, I can aim one
479
00:19:45,757 --> 00:19:47,858
at Natalie Portman
and aim the other at...
480
00:19:47,892 --> 00:19:50,728
Yes, yes, yes, we all know
who the other one was. Let's go.
481
00:19:53,565 --> 00:19:56,533
Well, good news, Griffins:
Brian is gonna be just fine.
482
00:19:56,568 --> 00:19:58,535
I was able
to remove his tumor.
483
00:19:58,570 --> 00:20:01,405
And if anyone wants to keep it,
it's here in this Tupperware.
484
00:20:01,439 --> 00:20:03,674
This-this is half
of a chicken cutlet.
485
00:20:03,708 --> 00:20:06,510
Oh, boy.
What did I have for lunch?
486
00:20:06,544 --> 00:20:08,946
Oh, Brian, I'm so glad
you're all right.
487
00:20:08,980 --> 00:20:11,949
Thanks. But this is
all kind of surreal.
488
00:20:11,983 --> 00:20:14,118
I mean,
being in this hospital bed,
489
00:20:14,152 --> 00:20:17,121
I-I feel like the main character
of As I Lay Dying
490
00:20:17,155 --> 00:20:18,789
as he or she lay dying.
491
00:20:18,823 --> 00:20:21,792
Oh, that's just the amount of
superficial quasi-knowledge
492
00:20:21,826 --> 00:20:23,227
the old Brian had.
493
00:20:23,261 --> 00:20:24,561
I missed you, buddy.
494
00:20:24,596 --> 00:20:26,230
Welcome back.
495
00:20:26,264 --> 00:20:27,264
Thanks, Stewie.
496
00:20:27,265 --> 00:20:28,732
You never gave up on me.
497
00:20:28,767 --> 00:20:30,634
You knew that wasn't really me.
498
00:20:30,669 --> 00:20:31,769
Yeah, well,
it's no big...
499
00:20:31,803 --> 00:20:33,937
I mean, I was having fun,
making new friends,
500
00:20:33,972 --> 00:20:36,206
getting laid all the time,
sleeping like a rock,
501
00:20:36,241 --> 00:20:37,675
but you made the call.
502
00:20:37,709 --> 00:20:40,010
You unilaterally decided
I was better off
503
00:20:40,045 --> 00:20:43,681
a bitter alcoholic failure who
can only hang out with a baby.
504
00:20:43,715 --> 00:20:45,683
Hey. We have fun.
505
00:20:46,118 --> 00:20:47,108
Hey, Lois, guess what.
506
00:20:47,109 --> 00:20:49,212
I had them do
that two-wiener operation on me.
507
00:20:49,212 --> 00:20:52,968
- You what?!
- Double trouble.
508
00:20:52,969 --> 00:20:55,384
Uh-oh. That was the original.
509
00:20:55,385 --> 00:20:57,351
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man