1 00:00:00,813 --> 00:00:04,068 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,168 --> 00:00:07,437 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,471 --> 00:00:11,007 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,042 --> 00:00:14,010 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:14,045 --> 00:00:17,514 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:17,548 --> 00:00:20,817 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:20,851 --> 00:00:22,385 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:22,420 --> 00:00:23,753 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:23,788 --> 00:00:24,503 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:25,104 --> 00:00:29,104 ♪ Family Guy 12x10 ♪ Grimm Job Original Air Date on January 12, 2014 11 00:00:29,105 --> 00:00:34,105 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 12 00:00:34,131 --> 00:00:36,366 We now return to An Early Draft 13 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:38,534 of A Streetcar Named Desire. 14 00:00:38,569 --> 00:00:42,272 Deb? Deb! 15 00:00:42,306 --> 00:00:45,341 Debbie! 16 00:00:45,376 --> 00:00:46,743 Good night, Lois. 17 00:00:46,777 --> 00:00:48,444 Sorry about hitting you at dinner. 18 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:50,647 It was nice of the manager not to call the cops. 19 00:00:50,681 --> 00:00:52,048 Yeah, it worked out. 20 00:00:52,082 --> 00:00:53,583 Happy anniversary. 21 00:00:53,617 --> 00:00:55,518 Hey, hey! 22 00:00:55,552 --> 00:00:56,920 I can't remember if I'm supposed 23 00:00:56,954 --> 00:00:58,655 to sleep on my stomach or my back. 24 00:00:58,689 --> 00:01:00,657 What does the current literature say? 25 00:01:00,691 --> 00:01:01,991 Peter, go check on Stewie. 26 00:01:02,026 --> 00:01:04,127 Fine. 27 00:01:04,161 --> 00:01:06,362 Oh, my God, look at you. 28 00:01:06,397 --> 00:01:07,497 You're out of breath. 29 00:01:07,531 --> 00:01:10,133 It's 15 feet from your door to mine. 30 00:01:10,167 --> 00:01:11,534 Aw, what's the matter, Stewie? 31 00:01:11,568 --> 00:01:12,936 You a little scared in here? 32 00:01:12,970 --> 00:01:14,737 Don't worry, there's no monsters. 33 00:01:14,772 --> 00:01:16,205 Of course there's no monsters. 34 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,674 Or are you worried about what happened 35 00:01:17,708 --> 00:01:19,275 to that family down the street? 36 00:01:19,310 --> 00:01:21,644 Those three guys broke in, beat up the father 37 00:01:21,679 --> 00:01:23,713 with a croquet mallet, and then stole the baby, 38 00:01:23,747 --> 00:01:25,782 and nobody knows where the baby is now? 39 00:01:25,816 --> 00:01:27,456 Is that what you're thinking about, buddy? 40 00:01:27,484 --> 00:01:28,885 I am now! 41 00:01:28,919 --> 00:01:31,754 Tell you what, Daddy'll read you a bedtime story. 42 00:01:31,789 --> 00:01:33,089 Ah, let's see. 43 00:01:33,123 --> 00:01:35,058 Dr. Seuss, Peter Rabbit... 44 00:01:35,092 --> 00:01:38,127 Ah, here we go, James Michener's Hawaii. 45 00:01:38,162 --> 00:01:40,363 Let's skip three feet in. 46 00:01:40,397 --> 00:01:42,298 Aah, Pearl Harbor! 47 00:01:42,333 --> 00:01:44,033 Okay, let's see, uh... 48 00:01:44,068 --> 00:01:45,168 Ah, here we go. 49 00:01:45,202 --> 00:01:46,936 Fairy Tales. 50 00:01:48,505 --> 00:01:50,006 Oh, not on your lap. 51 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:52,675 Aah, gross! 52 00:01:52,710 --> 00:01:54,544 "Jack and the Beanstalk." 53 00:01:54,578 --> 00:01:57,046 Now, that title could be a fairy tale or a porn. 54 00:01:57,081 --> 00:01:59,082 Let's find out. 55 00:02:08,359 --> 00:02:10,526 Jack, we need to put food on the table. 56 00:02:10,561 --> 00:02:11,861 Oh, give me a break, Wife. 57 00:02:11,895 --> 00:02:13,696 You know, if you could spin straw into gold 58 00:02:13,731 --> 00:02:15,932 or-or maybe meth, I wouldn't need a job. 59 00:02:15,966 --> 00:02:17,333 Well, then, sell the cow! 60 00:02:17,368 --> 00:02:19,369 And be sure you get real money for it. 61 00:02:19,403 --> 00:02:20,737 What else would I get? 62 00:02:20,771 --> 00:02:22,739 I don't know-- magic beans? 63 00:02:22,773 --> 00:02:24,240 There are magic beans? 64 00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:25,274 I don't know. 65 00:02:25,309 --> 00:02:26,609 Who cares? 66 00:02:26,643 --> 00:02:28,478 Well, what's magic about them? 67 00:02:28,512 --> 00:02:30,580 Don't get magic beans, you idiot. 68 00:02:30,614 --> 00:02:32,115 What? I-I'd never even freaking heard 69 00:02:32,149 --> 00:02:33,783 of magic beans till you said them. 70 00:02:33,817 --> 00:02:36,285 If I do get them, it's you what caused it. 71 00:02:41,392 --> 00:02:42,859 So, you're selling me? 72 00:02:42,893 --> 00:02:44,360 Yeah, well, you heard her back there. 73 00:02:44,395 --> 00:02:48,164 She wants her stupid magic beans so the whole world has to stop. 74 00:02:48,198 --> 00:02:49,565 Halt, travelers! 75 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:50,833 Oh, my God! 76 00:02:50,868 --> 00:02:52,201 Why do you look like that? 77 00:02:52,236 --> 00:02:54,871 Ah, all of these stories were written by Germans. 78 00:02:54,905 --> 00:02:57,840 But nobody can cross my bridge without paying a toll. 79 00:02:57,875 --> 00:02:59,208 A toll? Like what? 80 00:02:59,243 --> 00:03:01,411 You have to name three great Jewish athletes 81 00:03:01,445 --> 00:03:03,813 or pay a thousand gold coins. 82 00:03:03,847 --> 00:03:06,082 Uh, Hank Greenberg, 83 00:03:06,116 --> 00:03:07,583 Sandy Koufax 84 00:03:07,618 --> 00:03:09,619 and, uh, Gal Fridman, 85 00:03:09,653 --> 00:03:11,154 Olympic windsurfer. 86 00:03:11,188 --> 00:03:12,588 Took gold in Athens in 2000 87 00:03:12,623 --> 00:03:14,390 and the bronze in Atlanta in '96. 88 00:03:14,425 --> 00:03:16,426 I can see you're on your phone. 89 00:03:16,460 --> 00:03:18,094 Oh, come on, I'm supposed to go into town 90 00:03:18,128 --> 00:03:19,362 and sell this cow. 91 00:03:19,396 --> 00:03:21,097 Ooh, you're selling that cow? 92 00:03:21,131 --> 00:03:24,200 I don't have much, but I'll give you some magic beans for it. 93 00:03:26,103 --> 00:03:29,439 That's exactly what I was supposed to get! 94 00:03:30,641 --> 00:03:32,942 I said not magic beans. 95 00:03:32,976 --> 00:03:34,844 Look, le-let's just admit we both 96 00:03:34,878 --> 00:03:36,179 kind of got our wires crossed, 97 00:03:36,213 --> 00:03:38,614 and commit to being clearer in the future. 98 00:03:38,649 --> 00:03:41,084 Jack, I'm sick of your irresponsible behavior. 99 00:03:41,118 --> 00:03:43,619 Like when you were supposed to be babysitting Georgie Porgie 100 00:03:43,654 --> 00:03:46,055 and his sleazy brother Rick Porgie. 101 00:03:46,090 --> 00:03:48,658 Hey, Rick, you want to kiss some girls and make them cry? 102 00:03:48,692 --> 00:03:52,095 No, but let's thumb-blast them and make them puke. 103 00:03:52,129 --> 00:03:54,363 What the hell are we supposed to do with these anyway? 104 00:03:54,398 --> 00:03:56,632 I knew you'd be mad, so I've asked the band Heart 105 00:03:56,667 --> 00:03:59,635 to explain these beans in a way you can dreamily digest. 106 00:03:59,670 --> 00:04:01,938 ♪ These beans 107 00:04:01,972 --> 00:04:05,942 ♪ Go on when I close my eyes 108 00:04:05,976 --> 00:04:08,978 ♪ Every second of the night 109 00:04:09,012 --> 00:04:12,115 ♪ I live another life 110 00:04:12,149 --> 00:04:17,753 ♪ These beans that sleep when it's cold outside. ♪ 111 00:04:17,788 --> 00:04:21,324 They changed the word "dreams" to "beans." 112 00:04:21,358 --> 00:04:23,926 I-I was hoping they'd change a few more words 113 00:04:23,961 --> 00:04:25,728 to pertain to our situation, 114 00:04:25,762 --> 00:04:27,864 but I-I-I'm just happy they did this. 115 00:04:27,898 --> 00:04:29,232 Jack, this is ridiculous. 116 00:04:29,266 --> 00:04:31,134 Tomorrow I want you to go back out there 117 00:04:31,168 --> 00:04:33,803 and look for a job that pays actual money. 118 00:04:33,837 --> 00:04:35,671 These things are worthless. 119 00:04:37,774 --> 00:04:39,942 I know she's gone, but can you do the other one? 120 00:04:39,977 --> 00:04:42,145 ♪ What about beans? 121 00:04:42,179 --> 00:04:46,182 ♪ Don't you want someone to care about you? ♪ 122 00:04:59,830 --> 00:05:02,165 "Mary Davis gives birth to... 123 00:05:02,199 --> 00:05:04,167 lamb?" 124 00:05:04,201 --> 00:05:06,202 Holy crap! 125 00:05:15,145 --> 00:05:17,079 Oh, my God! 126 00:05:17,114 --> 00:05:18,548 Wha-What is that? 127 00:05:18,582 --> 00:05:21,984 I think those magic beans grew into a giant beanstalk. 128 00:05:22,019 --> 00:05:23,699 Hey, where the hell'd that thing come from? 129 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,222 It's blocking my view of Little Miss Muffet's tuffet. 130 00:05:26,256 --> 00:05:28,257 Ooh, isn't my tuffet soft 131 00:05:28,292 --> 00:05:30,359 and pink and wonderful? 132 00:05:30,394 --> 00:05:31,994 Ah, damn it! I need to see that 133 00:05:32,029 --> 00:05:33,696 so I can make curds and whey. 134 00:05:33,730 --> 00:05:35,198 Relax, Rumpleforeskin. 135 00:05:35,232 --> 00:05:37,767 This is a magic beanstalk that grew overnight. 136 00:05:37,801 --> 00:05:39,135 And I'm gonna climb it. 137 00:05:39,169 --> 00:05:40,503 Jack, what are you talking about? 138 00:05:40,537 --> 00:05:42,171 You can't climb all the way up there. 139 00:05:42,206 --> 00:05:43,339 I have to. 140 00:05:43,373 --> 00:05:45,541 My old gym coach is over there with a whistle. 141 00:05:46,577 --> 00:05:48,277 Come on, Jack, your brother was 142 00:05:48,312 --> 00:05:50,012 varsity beanstalk climbing. 143 00:05:50,047 --> 00:05:52,048 He's dead! 144 00:06:03,594 --> 00:06:06,262 And now to throw this handful of change down 145 00:06:06,296 --> 00:06:09,265 because I'm a psychopath. 146 00:06:09,299 --> 00:06:10,566 Aah, damn it! 147 00:06:10,601 --> 00:06:12,501 Thank you! 148 00:06:14,238 --> 00:06:16,639 I say, who the devil are you? Go away! 149 00:06:16,673 --> 00:06:17,840 Aw, I-I'm sorry. 150 00:06:17,874 --> 00:06:19,475 Are you taking a goose poop? 151 00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:21,177 I'm not defecating, you nitwit. 152 00:06:21,211 --> 00:06:22,211 I'm laying an egg. 153 00:06:26,950 --> 00:06:28,951 Golden eggs! 154 00:06:28,986 --> 00:06:30,519 Oh, my God! 155 00:06:30,554 --> 00:06:32,121 This is probably what famous black rappers 156 00:06:32,155 --> 00:06:35,024 eat for breakfast. 157 00:06:35,058 --> 00:06:37,059 Who goes there?! 158 00:06:37,094 --> 00:06:39,629 Oh, boy. You woke up dum-dum. 159 00:06:40,864 --> 00:06:43,699 Fee-fi-fo-fum. 160 00:06:43,734 --> 00:06:47,470 I smell the blood of an English man. 161 00:06:47,504 --> 00:06:50,039 It's odd that you would speak gibberish of your own choosing 162 00:06:50,073 --> 00:06:51,741 and not make it rhyme. 163 00:06:51,775 --> 00:06:53,309 How did you get here? 164 00:06:53,343 --> 00:06:54,443 By beanstalk. 165 00:06:54,478 --> 00:06:55,778 How did you get up here? 166 00:06:55,812 --> 00:06:57,680 This is just a house floating in the air. 167 00:06:57,714 --> 00:06:59,282 I fell from a higher cloud. 168 00:06:59,316 --> 00:07:01,384 That is not what happened. H-He's out of his mind. 169 00:07:01,418 --> 00:07:04,053 He just sits in his room all day and inhales hair spray. 170 00:07:04,087 --> 00:07:06,389 Well, you can't have my goose. 171 00:07:06,423 --> 00:07:08,524 Okay, two men fighting over me. 172 00:07:08,558 --> 00:07:09,825 Neat. 173 00:07:09,860 --> 00:07:11,794 All right, we're just gonna have to quietly run away. 174 00:07:11,828 --> 00:07:13,262 I'll create a diversion. 175 00:07:13,297 --> 00:07:14,563 Aah! Look at me! 176 00:07:14,598 --> 00:07:15,998 Look at me! Look at me! 177 00:07:16,033 --> 00:07:17,066 Aah! 178 00:07:38,889 --> 00:07:40,256 Damn beanstalk. 179 00:07:40,290 --> 00:07:41,957 Hey, Little Boy Brown! 180 00:07:41,992 --> 00:07:43,592 You said you were gonna help me saw. 181 00:07:43,627 --> 00:07:45,161 I can't find no gloves! 182 00:08:04,214 --> 00:08:05,448 Aah! 183 00:08:10,887 --> 00:08:13,422 Jack six, giant zero. 184 00:08:13,457 --> 00:08:15,925 What? What? Why-why is that six points? 185 00:08:15,959 --> 00:08:17,426 Oh, Jack, you're safe. 186 00:08:17,461 --> 00:08:19,061 I was so worried. 187 00:08:19,096 --> 00:08:20,596 And I got this golden goose. 188 00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:22,631 Our troubles are over. 189 00:08:22,666 --> 00:08:24,533 Well, our-our money troubles are over. 190 00:08:24,568 --> 00:08:27,937 Our sexual troubles are still... are still very much alive. 191 00:08:34,478 --> 00:08:37,246 Now we wait. 192 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:38,681 "The end." 193 00:08:38,715 --> 00:08:40,649 So, the lesson there is if you steal, 194 00:08:40,684 --> 00:08:42,651 you better be ready to murder, too. 195 00:08:42,686 --> 00:08:44,820 What do you say we read another one? 196 00:08:44,855 --> 00:08:47,757 Wow, you got a great view into Bonnie's window from here. 197 00:08:47,791 --> 00:08:49,825 Man, how do you get any work done? 198 00:08:49,860 --> 00:08:51,660 What do you mean? Lois is prettier than Bonnie. 199 00:08:51,695 --> 00:08:52,962 Oh, I get it. 200 00:08:52,996 --> 00:08:54,363 It's worse, but it's different. 201 00:08:54,398 --> 00:08:55,464 Okay, all right, so that's something. 202 00:08:55,499 --> 00:08:56,499 Okay. 203 00:09:00,888 --> 00:09:03,122 So I got out of the car to take a leak, 204 00:09:03,157 --> 00:09:04,824 because I'd been drinking, and I didn't know 205 00:09:04,858 --> 00:09:06,325 it was next to a children's park. 206 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:07,660 But anyway, that's why this lady 207 00:09:07,694 --> 00:09:09,762 has to watch whenever I play with you. 208 00:09:09,796 --> 00:09:11,230 Both hands on the book, please. 209 00:09:11,265 --> 00:09:13,199 It's my son! Come on! 210 00:09:13,233 --> 00:09:14,200 Geez! 211 00:09:14,234 --> 00:09:15,568 Thank you, Maya. 212 00:09:15,602 --> 00:09:19,272 All right, the next story is "Little Red Riding Hood." 213 00:09:23,744 --> 00:09:25,845 Red Riding Hood was choosing her clothes 214 00:09:25,879 --> 00:09:28,214 for a journey across the forest. 215 00:09:28,248 --> 00:09:29,515 You know, if I had the guts, 216 00:09:29,550 --> 00:09:31,050 I would be Little White Turtleneck. 217 00:09:31,084 --> 00:09:33,119 And by "guts," I mean "body." 218 00:09:33,153 --> 00:09:36,989 Red, don't forget this basket of food for Grandma. 219 00:09:37,024 --> 00:09:38,858 This whole thing is way too heavy. 220 00:09:38,892 --> 00:09:40,993 Wh-why are you putting a bag of ice in here? 221 00:09:41,028 --> 00:09:44,230 Is this... is this a Coors Party Ball? 222 00:09:44,264 --> 00:09:45,398 Is Grandma going to be entertaining 223 00:09:45,432 --> 00:09:47,433 Florida Jet Ski people? 224 00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:50,069 Remember, stay on the path and you'll be fine. 225 00:09:50,103 --> 00:09:52,305 Oh, yes, great advice from mother of the year. 226 00:09:52,339 --> 00:09:56,042 You do realize Grandma lives 68 miles away, right? 227 00:09:56,076 --> 00:09:58,544 You-you're sending your child out there to die. 228 00:10:01,915 --> 00:10:03,516 ♪ Tra-la-la-la-la 229 00:10:03,550 --> 00:10:05,818 ♪ Skipping song, skipping song ♪ 230 00:10:05,852 --> 00:10:08,354 ♪ No one's here to call me gay. ♪ 231 00:10:08,388 --> 00:10:10,790 If you were my son, I would kill you. 232 00:10:10,824 --> 00:10:13,459 Really? Because I hear your son is a sap. 233 00:10:14,828 --> 00:10:16,095 If you're gonna hit the king, 234 00:10:16,129 --> 00:10:18,130 you better kill the king. 235 00:10:27,808 --> 00:10:28,874 Oh, hey. 236 00:10:28,909 --> 00:10:30,109 You're the wolf, right? 237 00:10:30,143 --> 00:10:31,844 Yup, and don't forget "big" and "bad." 238 00:10:33,513 --> 00:10:34,680 Nah. 239 00:10:37,651 --> 00:10:40,953 So, um, what happened with you and those three little pigs? 240 00:10:40,988 --> 00:10:42,855 Wh-Why did you want to eat them so badly? 241 00:10:42,889 --> 00:10:46,158 It-it's so amazing that that's what people think happened. 242 00:10:46,193 --> 00:10:48,327 First of all, I didn't want to eat them, all right? 243 00:10:48,362 --> 00:10:49,729 I wanted to talk to one of them. 244 00:10:49,763 --> 00:10:50,730 About what? 245 00:10:50,764 --> 00:10:51,964 Well, she was my ex-girlfriend, 246 00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:54,533 and I believed I was due an explanation 247 00:10:54,568 --> 00:10:56,836 about why she was such a whore. 248 00:10:56,870 --> 00:10:58,671 All right, well, I'm off to my grandmother's, 249 00:10:58,705 --> 00:11:01,307 but before I go, I better take a deep-woods dump. 250 00:11:01,341 --> 00:11:03,843 Her bathroom is right off the dining room. 251 00:11:03,877 --> 00:11:07,647 So, it's either now or three days from now. 252 00:11:10,984 --> 00:11:12,351 Where are you going, dear? 253 00:11:12,386 --> 00:11:14,754 I got to go check on my shoe apartment complex. 254 00:11:14,788 --> 00:11:17,523 Old woman breeds like a gopher. 255 00:11:21,628 --> 00:11:23,663 Hello? Is anyone home? 256 00:11:23,697 --> 00:11:26,432 Ay, no, no. 257 00:11:26,466 --> 00:11:29,368 I can hear the muffled Mexican music. 258 00:11:30,771 --> 00:11:32,305 Look, if you guys don't shape up, 259 00:11:32,339 --> 00:11:33,439 I'm gonna rent this place 260 00:11:33,473 --> 00:11:35,841 to Goldilocks and the three bears. 261 00:11:35,876 --> 00:11:37,810 Ooh, this is nice. 262 00:11:37,844 --> 00:11:40,446 It's every bit as darling as you said. 263 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,381 They're gonna fix up the place. 264 00:11:47,454 --> 00:11:48,888 Who is it? 265 00:11:48,922 --> 00:11:50,856 It's your granddaughter, Red. 266 00:11:50,891 --> 00:11:52,591 How do I know it's you? 267 00:11:52,626 --> 00:11:54,293 Oh, come on, that's a perfect imitation. 268 00:11:54,328 --> 00:11:57,530 Open up. I brought strawberry shortcake and Cool Whip. 269 00:11:57,564 --> 00:11:58,531 And what? 270 00:11:58,565 --> 00:12:00,266 Oh, sorry. I mean Cool Hwhip. 271 00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:03,002 That's my little girl. 272 00:12:03,036 --> 00:12:06,105 Oh, my! 273 00:12:12,212 --> 00:12:14,280 Come in. 274 00:12:14,314 --> 00:12:15,881 Who the hell are you? 275 00:12:15,916 --> 00:12:17,583 Why, your grandma, of course. 276 00:12:17,617 --> 00:12:18,651 All right, fine. 277 00:12:18,685 --> 00:12:19,785 I guess we're doing this. 278 00:12:19,820 --> 00:12:22,455 My, what big eyes you have, Grandma. 279 00:12:22,489 --> 00:12:24,990 All the better to see you with, my dear. 280 00:12:25,025 --> 00:12:26,592 My, what big... You know what? 281 00:12:26,626 --> 00:12:27,860 I-I'm sorry, I-I can't. 282 00:12:27,894 --> 00:12:30,229 I-I can't do this. I-I'm not an idiot. 283 00:12:30,263 --> 00:12:31,831 My grandma is a human woman. 284 00:12:31,865 --> 00:12:33,499 How-how was this ever a scene? 285 00:12:33,533 --> 00:12:34,734 All right, fine, yes. 286 00:12:34,768 --> 00:12:35,835 It's me, the wolf. 287 00:12:35,869 --> 00:12:37,370 Must we go through this charade? 288 00:12:37,404 --> 00:12:38,604 It's insulting. 289 00:12:38,638 --> 00:12:39,905 I don't know why you're complaining. 290 00:12:39,940 --> 00:12:41,040 I'm the one who's about 291 00:12:41,074 --> 00:12:43,142 to get violently bisected by the woodsman. 292 00:12:43,176 --> 00:12:44,877 What woodsman? 293 00:12:44,911 --> 00:12:47,580 Ha-ha! 294 00:12:58,325 --> 00:13:00,493 You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero 295 00:13:00,527 --> 00:13:01,727 or just a lunatic 296 00:13:01,762 --> 00:13:03,429 going house to house murdering people. 297 00:13:03,463 --> 00:13:04,864 Ha-ha! 298 00:13:09,202 --> 00:13:10,636 Yeah, he-he-he just did it again. 299 00:13:10,670 --> 00:13:11,871 I think we should... 300 00:13:11,905 --> 00:13:13,973 I think we should call somebody. 301 00:13:20,291 --> 00:13:22,525 Aw, look at the little guy. 302 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,460 So peaceful. 303 00:13:24,495 --> 00:13:25,962 Hey! Wake up! We got one more! 304 00:13:27,398 --> 00:13:30,199 Now, if this don't get you to sleep, nothing will. 305 00:13:30,234 --> 00:13:33,169 "Cinderella" by nobody remembers. 306 00:13:35,539 --> 00:13:38,441 A long time ago, in a magical, faraway land, 307 00:13:38,475 --> 00:13:41,844 several women lived together and, surprise, surprise, 308 00:13:41,879 --> 00:13:43,980 they didn't exactly get along. 309 00:13:46,317 --> 00:13:48,985 Hey, Cinderella, how's the scrubbing going? 310 00:13:49,019 --> 00:13:51,721 God, we have so few female characters to work with. 311 00:13:51,755 --> 00:13:53,623 You just keep scrubbing that poo spot 312 00:13:53,657 --> 00:13:55,892 so I can come back and poo on that spot again. 313 00:13:55,926 --> 00:13:58,861 You guys are gonna regret being mean to me someday. 314 00:13:58,896 --> 00:14:00,463 Mean to you? Us? 315 00:14:00,497 --> 00:14:03,032 When are we ever mean to you? 316 00:14:03,067 --> 00:14:04,934 Remember the time you told King Midas 317 00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:06,636 to go to third base with me? 318 00:14:06,670 --> 00:14:08,404 Now I'm dealing with this. 319 00:14:09,907 --> 00:14:11,908 I dated him, too. 320 00:14:18,582 --> 00:14:21,618 It's so unfair that we're called the "evil" stepsisters. 321 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:23,686 Yeah, I mean, you'd be evil, too, 322 00:14:23,721 --> 00:14:25,622 if your stepdad was Bruce Jenner. 323 00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:28,891 Hey, girls, feel my cheek, it's like a bottom! 324 00:14:31,161 --> 00:14:32,895 He stole me horn! 325 00:14:36,233 --> 00:14:38,067 Well, I don't, I don't know what that was, 326 00:14:38,102 --> 00:14:40,436 but th-the first one has a parchment from the Charmings. 327 00:14:42,773 --> 00:14:44,941 It's an invite to a party for the prince! 328 00:14:44,975 --> 00:14:46,442 I hear he's looking for someone 329 00:14:46,477 --> 00:14:47,777 to spend the rest of his life with. 330 00:14:47,811 --> 00:14:49,245 Well, it won't be you. 331 00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:52,148 Yeah, there's a reason this story's not called "Cinderella." 332 00:14:52,182 --> 00:14:53,549 Actually, it is. 333 00:14:53,584 --> 00:14:56,486 Ah, that does not bode well for us. 334 00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:02,892 Now, since we're all planning on drinking, 335 00:15:02,926 --> 00:15:04,994 I called us a pumpkin. 336 00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:06,162 Wait for me! 337 00:15:09,833 --> 00:15:11,901 You said if I had a nice dress, 338 00:15:11,935 --> 00:15:13,436 I could go to the ball. 339 00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:15,672 How did you even make that dress so fast? 340 00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:18,107 Oh, you know, I-I have an eye for fashion, 341 00:15:18,142 --> 00:15:20,276 and I'm pretty good with my hands. 342 00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:21,644 Unbelievable. 343 00:15:21,679 --> 00:15:23,946 Now I'm worried about that screenplay we gave her. 344 00:15:23,981 --> 00:15:25,581 You're not going to the ball! 345 00:15:25,616 --> 00:15:28,551 It's for ladies, not scumbag nobodies. 346 00:15:28,585 --> 00:15:32,021 Girls, shred her dress and divvy it up for monthlies. 347 00:15:45,869 --> 00:15:47,737 Well, that's not cool, either. 348 00:15:47,771 --> 00:15:49,338 They're all kind of bitches. 349 00:15:53,377 --> 00:15:56,746 And then they ripped up my dress so now I have nothing to wear. 350 00:15:56,780 --> 00:15:59,849 Well, sometimes "nothing to wear" is a fun time. 351 00:15:59,883 --> 00:16:01,884 You know, just get weird. 352 00:16:04,054 --> 00:16:07,123 Cinderella, I am your fairy godmother. 353 00:16:07,157 --> 00:16:10,827 "Fairy" in the magical sense, not about kissing guys. 354 00:16:10,861 --> 00:16:12,462 Oh, my God! 355 00:16:12,496 --> 00:16:15,598 I want that bitch Snow White to just admit she had an abortion. 356 00:16:15,632 --> 00:16:16,799 Whoa, whoa! 357 00:16:16,834 --> 00:16:19,335 I was thinking more like a new dress for the party. 358 00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:20,970 Or a bunch of chew toys. 359 00:16:21,004 --> 00:16:22,105 Your choice. 360 00:16:22,139 --> 00:16:23,506 Chew toys. Take the chew toys. 361 00:16:23,540 --> 00:16:24,841 A new dress? 362 00:16:24,875 --> 00:16:27,076 Well, that means I could go to the ball! 363 00:16:31,849 --> 00:16:34,183 Oh, what a beautiful dress. 364 00:16:34,218 --> 00:16:35,985 B-But how will I get to the ball? 365 00:16:36,019 --> 00:16:38,221 I-I don't have a horse or a carriage. 366 00:16:44,361 --> 00:16:46,963 Oh, yeah, that's... yeah, just change me into whatever. 367 00:16:46,997 --> 00:16:48,564 Yeah, that's cool. Thanks. 368 00:16:48,599 --> 00:16:50,266 Well, is everything all right in here...? 369 00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:53,703 This hurts! This hurts! 370 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,047 This ball is kind of lame. 371 00:17:05,082 --> 00:17:07,850 All these royal types are inbreeding, walleyed, 372 00:17:07,885 --> 00:17:10,153 bucktooth monsters who have to be wheeled around 373 00:17:10,187 --> 00:17:11,287 under a blanket. 374 00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:14,223 I say! Wherever is Grandmum-mum? 375 00:17:14,258 --> 00:17:17,426 She would so enjoy the festoonities! 376 00:17:17,461 --> 00:17:18,861 That's not a word, sir. 377 00:17:18,896 --> 00:17:21,964 My mind races from the damp! 378 00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:23,299 Hey, how are you? 379 00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:25,301 Hey, hi, there. Thanks for coming. 380 00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:28,571 These are my daughters, and they will do anything 381 00:17:28,605 --> 00:17:31,574 to be your princess, right, girls? 382 00:17:31,608 --> 00:17:33,142 See anything you like? 383 00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:35,578 Oh, I'm so fancy and moist. 384 00:17:35,612 --> 00:17:36,979 Ew, you guys are gross. 385 00:17:37,014 --> 00:17:39,482 But stick around in case I don't find anyone else. 386 00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:48,558 Okay, first of all, obviously the dress. 387 00:17:48,592 --> 00:17:49,926 Wow. 388 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,961 And you smell slightly less worse 389 00:17:51,995 --> 00:17:53,830 than everyone else in the kingdom. 390 00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:56,399 Oh, why, thank you, I just bathed last year. 391 00:18:21,692 --> 00:18:22,959 Hey, wh-where you going? 392 00:18:22,993 --> 00:18:23,993 Come back here! 393 00:18:24,027 --> 00:18:25,328 You brushed up against it! 394 00:18:25,362 --> 00:18:27,096 You got to take care of it now! 395 00:18:36,540 --> 00:18:39,075 Wait, wait, you forgot your glass slipper. 396 00:18:42,412 --> 00:18:43,646 And a box of condoms. 397 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,549 Aw, man! Things were gonna happen. 398 00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:54,724 We almost kissed. 399 00:18:54,758 --> 00:18:57,093 Why couldn't the magic have lasted five more minutes? 400 00:18:57,127 --> 00:19:00,229 Now I'll never get to be a rich, do-nothing wife. 401 00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:03,532 Sorry your dreams haven't come true. 402 00:19:10,474 --> 00:19:13,209 My lord, there is no sign of her, and we searched far. 403 00:19:13,243 --> 00:19:15,111 Did you search wide? No. 404 00:19:15,145 --> 00:19:17,346 You got to search wide, that's like half of it. 405 00:19:19,750 --> 00:19:21,984 And so the prince searched all over the kingdom 406 00:19:22,019 --> 00:19:23,619 for the foot that fit the glass slipper. 407 00:19:23,654 --> 00:19:24,887 Well, not "all" over. 408 00:19:24,922 --> 00:19:28,124 He skipped the, uh, south side of town, 409 00:19:28,158 --> 00:19:29,892 which, uh, even in fairy tale times, 410 00:19:29,927 --> 00:19:31,761 was, um... 411 00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:33,829 let's just say "loud." 412 00:19:37,834 --> 00:19:40,970 And so, whoever fits in this slipper will be my princess. 413 00:19:41,004 --> 00:19:42,805 Or prince. 414 00:19:42,839 --> 00:19:44,507 I'm bi. 415 00:19:44,541 --> 00:19:46,542 Oh, there's my slipper! 416 00:19:46,576 --> 00:19:48,056 Oh, I've been looking all over for it. 417 00:19:48,078 --> 00:19:50,780 Well, when I'm not doing gymnastics. 418 00:19:50,814 --> 00:19:52,782 This could be your life. 419 00:19:52,816 --> 00:19:54,483 Enough! 420 00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:57,987 It's you. 421 00:19:58,021 --> 00:19:59,288 Her? 422 00:20:10,033 --> 00:20:12,802 I can't wait to make love to you a hundred years 423 00:20:12,836 --> 00:20:16,205 before the invention of toilet paper. 424 00:20:16,239 --> 00:20:19,141 And so, two people who danced together one time 425 00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:22,144 entered into an ill-advised, long-term relationship. 426 00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:25,047 And they lived happily ever after for seven months 427 00:20:25,082 --> 00:20:27,750 and then separated with the goal of fixing themselves 428 00:20:27,784 --> 00:20:29,151 and getting back together. 429 00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:31,287 They got into a huge fight when his mom got sick. 430 00:20:31,321 --> 00:20:33,489 And now they don't even follow each other on Twitter. 431 00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:35,124 The end. 432 00:20:41,999 --> 00:20:45,234 Good night, Stewie. 433 00:20:45,268 --> 00:20:47,803 Good night, Chris. 434 00:20:49,272 --> 00:20:51,273 Good night, Meg. 435 00:20:51,308 --> 00:20:56,308 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man