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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,016 --> 00:00:07,451
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,486 --> 00:00:10,821
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,856 --> 00:00:14,025
♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 12x17 ♪
The Most Interesting Man in the World
Original Air Date on April 13, 2014
11
00:00:30,446 --> 00:00:35,446
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:35,447 --> 00:00:37,648
You shower
with your dog every day.
13
00:00:37,682 --> 00:00:39,850
Do you and your dog use
the same soap?
14
00:00:39,885 --> 00:00:42,787
If so, one of you
is damaging your hair.
15
00:00:42,821 --> 00:00:44,855
Really?
16
00:00:44,890 --> 00:00:47,525
Dial Cross Species
is specially formulated
17
00:00:47,559 --> 00:00:49,527
for both humans and dogs.
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00:00:49,561 --> 00:00:51,328
You'll like
that it gets you clean.
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00:00:51,363 --> 00:00:52,897
He'll like
that it smells like beef.
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00:00:52,931 --> 00:00:54,632
That sounds great!
21
00:00:54,666 --> 00:00:57,334
Jim, are you showering
with the dog again?
22
00:00:57,369 --> 00:00:58,702
What the hell?!
23
00:00:58,737 --> 00:01:00,037
All right, Peter,
I'm leaving.
24
00:01:00,072 --> 00:01:01,872
Bonnie invited me to
the shooting range.
25
00:01:01,907 --> 00:01:03,374
What?
26
00:01:03,408 --> 00:01:05,443
Yeah, Bonnie says
she goes every week.
27
00:01:12,050 --> 00:01:14,919
I think next time
you should bring someone else.
28
00:01:14,953 --> 00:01:17,321
Now, you'll be watching Stewie,
and I don't want you just
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00:01:17,355 --> 00:01:19,090
to prop him up next
to the TV all day.
30
00:01:19,124 --> 00:01:20,624
Take him to
the park.
31
00:01:20,659 --> 00:01:21,859
I want him to get
some fresh air.
32
00:01:21,893 --> 00:01:23,894
Fresh air is bad
for a kid, Lois.
33
00:01:23,929 --> 00:01:25,396
Look at Michael J. Fox.
34
00:01:25,430 --> 00:01:26,764
What?
I don't know.
35
00:01:26,798 --> 00:01:28,532
Peter, you are taking
Stewie to the park.
36
00:01:28,567 --> 00:01:30,668
It'll do you good to spend
some time with your son.
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00:01:30,702 --> 00:01:32,603
I spend lots of time
with him, Lois.
38
00:01:32,637 --> 00:01:34,772
Just last week,
I took him to the doctor.
39
00:01:34,806 --> 00:01:37,508
Mr. Griffin, you're here
to get your prostate examined?
40
00:01:37,542 --> 00:01:39,410
Yeah, this is me.
41
00:01:43,915 --> 00:01:45,916
Is that your
little one there?
42
00:01:45,951 --> 00:01:48,786
Oh, no, it's-it's just
the way I'm sitting.
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00:01:48,820 --> 00:01:50,788
Ah, nothing like a day
at the park,
44
00:01:50,822 --> 00:01:53,791
surrounded by overcompensating
divorced dads.
45
00:01:53,825 --> 00:01:55,659
Wow! Look how high
you're going!
46
00:01:55,694 --> 00:01:57,428
What an amazing day this is!
47
00:01:58,864 --> 00:02:01,365
Is Mommy spending
$2,500 a month on you?
48
00:02:01,399 --> 00:02:03,701
Because that's what
I'm sending Mommy!
49
00:02:03,735 --> 00:02:05,603
Oh, my God,
it's only been five minutes,
50
00:02:05,637 --> 00:02:08,472
and I'm already bored
out of my mind.
51
00:02:10,909 --> 00:02:12,943
Damn, I wish I could go
to the Clam.
52
00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:18,916
Aah! Well, I guess
I see those guys all the time.
53
00:02:22,888 --> 00:02:25,022
A clown?!
Eh, well, I guess
54
00:02:25,056 --> 00:02:27,024
what's the big deal, huh?
It's just one.
55
00:02:33,999 --> 00:02:37,434
Oh, I was quite sure it was just
one from the size of the car!
56
00:02:37,469 --> 00:02:38,769
Hello?
57
00:02:38,803 --> 00:02:40,037
Peter, where the hell are you?
58
00:02:40,071 --> 00:02:41,605
You got to get down
to the Clam, man.
59
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:42,940
There's, like,
60 clowns in here.
60
00:02:42,974 --> 00:02:44,942
Ugh, I can't.
I got to watch Stewie.
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00:02:44,976 --> 00:02:48,145
Peter, they threw what I thought
was a bucket of water on me,
62
00:02:48,180 --> 00:02:50,915
but it turns out,
it was just a bunch of confetti!
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00:02:50,949 --> 00:02:52,983
Oh, man, I got
to get over there!
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00:02:57,989 --> 00:03:01,559
Okay, okay. It's okay
as long as I can still see him.
65
00:03:01,593 --> 00:03:03,494
Okay, Stewie, there you are.
66
00:03:03,528 --> 00:03:04,662
There you are, safe and sound.
67
00:03:04,696 --> 00:03:06,864
Daddy can still see you.
68
00:03:08,466 --> 00:03:10,434
Okay, Daddy
can still see you.
69
00:03:10,468 --> 00:03:12,803
Daddy can still see you.
70
00:03:19,177 --> 00:03:21,679
Daddy can still see you.
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00:03:32,257 --> 00:03:36,160
That was a wink, but you don't
know it 'cause it's just a eye.
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00:03:39,764 --> 00:03:42,233
We now return to Superman.
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00:03:44,035 --> 00:03:45,703
Lois, what's wrong?
74
00:03:45,737 --> 00:03:47,805
Clark, we all have
breast cancer!
75
00:03:47,839 --> 00:03:50,608
The doctor says it's as if
our breasts have been X-rayed
76
00:03:50,642 --> 00:03:53,711
five hours a day, every day,
for the last three years!
77
00:03:53,745 --> 00:03:55,646
Oh, my God,
that's terrible.
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00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,549
First, every woman I've ever
known, and now you guys.
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00:03:58,583 --> 00:04:00,551
Ah!
80
00:04:00,585 --> 00:04:02,820
Boy, it was smart
to wait out that thunderstorm.
81
00:04:02,854 --> 00:04:05,055
Aah, it's Lois!
82
00:04:05,090 --> 00:04:06,824
Oh, my God! Stewie!
83
00:04:06,858 --> 00:04:08,259
Oh, uh, hey, Lois.
84
00:04:08,293 --> 00:04:09,760
H-Hey, it's hard to hear you
85
00:04:09,794 --> 00:04:11,962
over the sound
of joyful children in the park.
86
00:04:11,997 --> 00:04:14,298
Are you and Stewie
having a good time?
87
00:04:14,332 --> 00:04:15,633
Uh, uh, yeah.
88
00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:17,368
Okay, well, let me talk to him.
89
00:04:17,402 --> 00:04:19,370
I want to tell him
Mommy's on her way home.
90
00:04:19,404 --> 00:04:21,305
She wants to talk to Stewie.
What do I do?!
91
00:04:21,339 --> 00:04:23,574
Here, give me the phone.
I do a great Stewie.
92
00:04:23,608 --> 00:04:25,843
Hey, Lois,
it's me, the baby.
93
00:04:25,877 --> 00:04:28,512
Hi, Stewie. I'm on my way home.
94
00:04:28,546 --> 00:04:29,847
Mommy misses you.
95
00:04:29,881 --> 00:04:31,382
All right, cool.
96
00:04:31,416 --> 00:04:33,584
Bring some beef
jerky maybe.
97
00:04:33,618 --> 00:04:36,720
I just bought
you ten minutes.
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00:04:36,755 --> 00:04:38,789
Stewie?
99
00:04:44,095 --> 00:04:46,130
Oh, there's my boy.
100
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,567
Hey, what happened
to my new friend,
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00:04:50,602 --> 00:04:52,970
that kid who sort of
looks like me from behind?
102
00:04:53,004 --> 00:04:54,772
Wait. Where's the fat man?
103
00:04:57,075 --> 00:04:58,642
Well, I guess this is it.
104
00:04:58,677 --> 00:05:00,311
I'm gonna die here.
105
00:05:00,345 --> 00:05:01,879
I'll never get to grow old
106
00:05:01,913 --> 00:05:04,081
and become an across-the-country
grandparent.
107
00:05:04,115 --> 00:05:05,616
What is this?
108
00:05:05,650 --> 00:05:06,984
It's a Skype.
109
00:05:07,018 --> 00:05:08,986
A Snyke?
No, a Skype.
110
00:05:09,020 --> 00:05:10,321
Snype?
111
00:05:10,355 --> 00:05:13,257
No, it's a Skype...
from your grandson.
112
00:05:13,291 --> 00:05:14,825
Stephen?
113
00:05:14,859 --> 00:05:17,594
Yes! He's right there
trying to say hi to you.
114
00:05:17,629 --> 00:05:19,129
What movie is this?
115
00:05:19,164 --> 00:05:20,864
It's not a movie.
116
00:05:20,899 --> 00:05:22,566
It's your grandson!
117
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,635
My grandson is in the pictures?
118
00:05:24,669 --> 00:05:26,603
You did this yesterday!
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00:05:26,638 --> 00:05:28,138
Don't holler at me!
120
00:05:28,173 --> 00:05:29,606
I don't understand anything!
121
00:05:29,641 --> 00:05:31,342
I'm very frightened!
122
00:05:34,779 --> 00:05:35,913
Wait a minute.
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00:05:35,947 --> 00:05:39,083
Stewie, what happened
to your head?
124
00:05:39,117 --> 00:05:40,584
Oh, you're not Stewie.
125
00:05:40,618 --> 00:05:42,753
I got to get you back
to the park and find...
126
00:05:50,995 --> 00:05:53,097
All right, kid,
your name is Stewie, all right?
127
00:05:53,131 --> 00:05:54,665
I'm your new dad.
128
00:05:54,699 --> 00:05:56,934
My name is Peter,
and I work at the brewer...
129
00:05:56,968 --> 00:05:59,636
NASA. I work at NASA.
130
00:06:02,180 --> 00:06:03,933
Uh, hey, Lois.
You look fat.
131
00:06:03,934 --> 00:06:05,776
You should go for a run.
Peter!
132
00:06:05,777 --> 00:06:08,078
I'm gonna go give my
baby a kiss good night.
133
00:06:08,113 --> 00:06:11,248
Uh, Lois, I had an affair, and
I think we should talk about it!
134
00:06:11,282 --> 00:06:14,418
Peter, jamming yourself into
a grapefruit is not an affair.
135
00:06:18,923 --> 00:06:21,658
See? There's a human baby
in there.
136
00:06:21,693 --> 00:06:23,794
Asleep in Stewie's overalls.
137
00:06:23,828 --> 00:06:25,729
Peter, please get
out of my way!
138
00:06:25,764 --> 00:06:27,064
Aah!
139
00:06:27,098 --> 00:06:28,065
Aah!
Aah!
140
00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:31,101
Great. We woke up the doorbell.
141
00:06:31,936 --> 00:06:33,871
I think there was
a mix-up at the park.
142
00:06:33,905 --> 00:06:35,773
My little Stewie!
143
00:06:35,807 --> 00:06:37,307
Oh, Jacob!
144
00:06:37,342 --> 00:06:39,476
Wh-Where's your little hat?
145
00:06:39,511 --> 00:06:40,978
He didn't have a hat.
146
00:06:41,012 --> 00:06:42,646
Oh, I am so sorry.
147
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:43,981
I just got
home myself.
148
00:06:44,015 --> 00:06:45,649
I left my husband in charge,
149
00:06:45,683 --> 00:06:47,985
which was obviously
a terrible mistake.
150
00:06:48,019 --> 00:06:51,121
Thank you so much.
151
00:06:51,156 --> 00:06:53,123
I took a bath
with the dad.
152
00:06:53,158 --> 00:06:55,292
Mmm. Oh, my baby's
back home.
153
00:06:55,326 --> 00:06:56,660
Mommy missed you.
154
00:06:56,694 --> 00:06:58,195
Congratulations, Lois.
155
00:06:58,229 --> 00:06:59,696
You passed the test.
156
00:06:59,731 --> 00:07:00,964
You really do
love Stewie.
157
00:07:00,999 --> 00:07:03,000
Now, what do you
say we all sit down
158
00:07:03,034 --> 00:07:05,135
and watch this Weird Al
Yankovic documentary?
159
00:07:05,170 --> 00:07:07,805
It's called
An Inconvenient Tooth.
160
00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:10,007
What's wrong
with you, Peter?!
161
00:07:10,041 --> 00:07:11,375
Lois, I'm sorry.
162
00:07:11,409 --> 00:07:13,043
How the hell
can you possibly
163
00:07:13,077 --> 00:07:14,378
mistake another baby
for Stewie?!
164
00:07:14,412 --> 00:07:16,013
Now, calm down, Lois.
165
00:07:16,047 --> 00:07:17,448
You're gonna say
something you don't mean.
166
00:07:17,482 --> 00:07:19,983
Oh, no, I'm not!
You're an idiot!
167
00:07:20,018 --> 00:07:22,219
You don't mean that.
168
00:07:22,253 --> 00:07:24,421
I already got a Facebook
friend request from the dad.
169
00:07:24,456 --> 00:07:26,023
Is that weird?
170
00:07:26,057 --> 00:07:28,392
Peter, I have put up
with your nonsense for 20 years,
171
00:07:28,426 --> 00:07:29,993
but today
you crossed a line.
172
00:07:30,028 --> 00:07:32,262
You left a helpless baby
in a public park.
173
00:07:32,297 --> 00:07:34,898
And that's something
only an idiot would do!
174
00:07:36,167 --> 00:07:38,035
I'm not an idiot.
175
00:07:40,071 --> 00:07:42,973
Hey, I think
there was a mix-up at the park.
176
00:07:48,256 --> 00:07:50,458
We now return
to The Karate Kid,
177
00:07:50,492 --> 00:07:52,426
with realistic human feelings.
178
00:07:52,461 --> 00:07:54,228
You're all right, LaRusso!
179
00:07:54,262 --> 00:07:56,831
You just tried
to cripple me!
180
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,168
I hate to sound like every
woman ever, but I'm depressed.
181
00:08:01,203 --> 00:08:02,503
Don't engage.
Don't engage.
182
00:08:02,537 --> 00:08:03,904
Why?
Damn it!
183
00:08:03,939 --> 00:08:05,840
Lois called me an idiot.
So?
184
00:08:05,874 --> 00:08:08,375
So, I don't tell her all the
bad things about herself.
185
00:08:08,410 --> 00:08:10,077
Like how the mole on her back
186
00:08:10,112 --> 00:08:12,279
is changing shape and
size really quickly.
187
00:08:12,314 --> 00:08:13,914
Being dumb isn't
the worst thing, Peter.
188
00:08:13,949 --> 00:08:15,850
At least you're not
two foreign guys
189
00:08:15,884 --> 00:08:18,119
talking too loud
in the next booth.
190
00:08:18,153 --> 00:08:20,121
Much sorry, friend!
191
00:08:20,155 --> 00:08:22,790
Man, there are
no womens here.
192
00:08:22,824 --> 00:08:25,626
We've got to make like '70s
rock man Garrett and leave.
193
00:08:25,660 --> 00:08:27,094
You said it, Belgard.
194
00:08:27,129 --> 00:08:29,396
Looks like you and me
will have to make hands
195
00:08:29,431 --> 00:08:30,464
on each other tonight.
196
00:08:30,499 --> 00:08:31,966
Aah, gross!
197
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,335
I was just
playing joke at you!
198
00:08:34,369 --> 00:08:36,270
Ah, good one! You
should be comedy writer.
199
00:08:36,304 --> 00:08:37,805
Too late, friend.
200
00:08:37,839 --> 00:08:39,807
I already have
comedy development at CBS.
201
00:08:39,841 --> 00:08:41,175
Oh, nice!
202
00:08:41,209 --> 00:08:42,943
CBS knows real situations
203
00:08:42,978 --> 00:08:44,912
I want to see
for 100 episodes!
204
00:08:44,946 --> 00:08:47,948
Thanks. My hysterical
multi-camera show is called
205
00:08:47,983 --> 00:08:50,484
Wizard Robot and His
Less Successful Friend.
206
00:08:50,519 --> 00:08:53,053
Oh, man, you know
what America wants.
207
00:08:53,088 --> 00:08:55,055
All right, fine, so
I'm a dumb, hot guy.
208
00:08:55,090 --> 00:08:56,991
All right? There's
worse things to be.
209
00:08:57,025 --> 00:08:58,893
Okay, we're only gonna
tackle one thing today.
210
00:08:58,927 --> 00:09:01,168
Peter, maybe you need to
broaden your horizons, you know?
211
00:09:01,196 --> 00:09:02,530
Read a book, travel.
212
00:09:02,564 --> 00:09:04,031
Oh, yeah, I love traveling.
213
00:09:04,065 --> 00:09:05,366
You see new things,
214
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:06,901
inconvenience thousands
of people.
215
00:09:06,935 --> 00:09:08,936
You know what?
You guys are right.
216
00:09:08,970 --> 00:09:11,939
It's time to travel, to learn,
to experience new things.
217
00:09:11,973 --> 00:09:13,941
I've been letting opportunities
pass me by
218
00:09:13,975 --> 00:09:15,409
ever since I was a kid.
219
00:09:17,212 --> 00:09:20,281
Hey, kid, get in my van, and
I'll give you some candy.
220
00:09:20,315 --> 00:09:23,150
No, my mom says I shouldn't.
221
00:09:29,858 --> 00:09:34,295
Hey, kid, get in my van, and
I'll give you some candy.
222
00:09:34,329 --> 00:09:36,096
Okay!
223
00:09:44,172 --> 00:09:47,408
Stella, I need you to go
to Chicago on Thursday.
224
00:09:47,442 --> 00:09:51,111
I can't. This week
is the Deaf Games.
225
00:09:57,118 --> 00:09:59,420
Oh, my God, this has been
a 12-minute round.
226
00:09:59,454 --> 00:10:01,956
Why does every fight
have to go to the death?
227
00:10:01,990 --> 00:10:03,557
Angela, if you got
business traveling
228
00:10:03,592 --> 00:10:05,893
that needs to be done,
I'm your guy.
229
00:10:05,927 --> 00:10:07,494
Griffin, I'm not
gonna look over there
230
00:10:07,529 --> 00:10:09,663
until you first assure
me you've got pants on.
231
00:10:09,698 --> 00:10:12,333
It's not a rule unless
there's a sign on the wall.
232
00:10:12,367 --> 00:10:14,368
I won that court case.
Fine.
233
00:10:14,402 --> 00:10:16,103
So you'd be willing
to take that trip
234
00:10:16,137 --> 00:10:17,438
to Chicago for
the company?
235
00:10:17,472 --> 00:10:18,806
Yeah, you know,
I was just saying
236
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:20,374
I need to broaden my horizons.
237
00:10:20,408 --> 00:10:22,076
You see, my wife thinks
I'm an idiot.
238
00:10:22,110 --> 00:10:24,245
She's always making me feel
small and insignificant.
239
00:10:24,279 --> 00:10:26,347
Like John Goodman's
heartbeat.
240
00:10:28,950 --> 00:10:32,453
Honey? My inside left boob
stomach did that thing again.
241
00:10:32,487 --> 00:10:34,021
You mean
your heart?
242
00:10:34,055 --> 00:10:36,523
Um, I don't know
about any of that,
243
00:10:36,558 --> 00:10:38,659
but I think
I should eat something.
244
00:10:42,464 --> 00:10:44,265
Well, gentlemen,
thank you for coming.
245
00:10:44,299 --> 00:10:46,533
Mr. Griffin, I believe you
have something for me.
246
00:10:46,568 --> 00:10:48,535
Yes, I do, Mr. Franks.
Terrific.
247
00:10:48,570 --> 00:10:50,537
We were completely
out of these tubes.
248
00:10:50,572 --> 00:10:52,539
Well, thank you all
for coming. Good day.
249
00:10:52,574 --> 00:10:54,475
Nicely done, Mr. Franks.
Thanks, Chief.
250
00:10:54,509 --> 00:10:56,577
Wait, so that's it?
Hey, you nailed it!
251
00:10:56,611 --> 00:10:57,891
But I'm here till
tomorrow night.
252
00:10:57,913 --> 00:10:59,413
What am I
supposed to do?
253
00:10:59,447 --> 00:11:01,115
Get out there
and explore Chicago, Peter.
254
00:11:01,149 --> 00:11:03,350
It's one of the great cities
of the world.
255
00:11:03,385 --> 00:11:06,186
There's museums,
a symphony, a Lyric Opera.
256
00:11:06,221 --> 00:11:07,521
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
257
00:11:07,555 --> 00:11:09,390
Did you say "chicken
fashion show"?
258
00:11:09,424 --> 00:11:11,025
No.
Oh.
259
00:11:11,059 --> 00:11:13,193
But that-that other stuff,
they all sound like
260
00:11:13,228 --> 00:11:16,196
the kind of things I could
do to expand my horizons.
261
00:11:17,999 --> 00:11:18,999
Wow.
262
00:11:19,034 --> 00:11:22,102
Chicago:
"The San Francisco Treat."
263
00:11:22,137 --> 00:11:24,171
I haven't felt this sense
of limitless adventure
264
00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:26,173
since I went cave jumping.
265
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:27,993
Here we go!
266
00:11:28,027 --> 00:11:31,797
I told no one
what I was doing today!
267
00:11:36,035 --> 00:11:39,805
Man, I'm, like, the fifth most
attractive woman in Chicago.
268
00:11:46,646 --> 00:11:48,280
Hi. Welcome
to the museum.
269
00:11:48,314 --> 00:11:49,948
Thanks.
Just to be clear,
270
00:11:49,982 --> 00:11:51,450
I should touch
everything, right?
271
00:11:51,484 --> 00:11:53,151
No, please don't
touch anything.
272
00:11:53,186 --> 00:11:55,454
Sorry, it's my first time
at an adult museum.
273
00:11:55,488 --> 00:11:57,255
I'm used to petting
the starfishes.
274
00:11:57,290 --> 00:11:59,324
Well, maybe you'd find
our audio tour helpful.
275
00:11:59,358 --> 00:12:00,625
You have your choice
of narrators:
276
00:12:00,660 --> 00:12:02,327
our senior curator
277
00:12:02,361 --> 00:12:04,396
or Chicago's own
Dennis Farina.
278
00:12:04,430 --> 00:12:07,098
Hmm.
279
00:12:07,133 --> 00:12:09,267
Hey there, chief.
Dennis Farina here.
280
00:12:09,302 --> 00:12:11,203
And welcome to our museum.
281
00:12:11,237 --> 00:12:14,539
Just so you know, I'll be
eating through most of this.
282
00:12:14,574 --> 00:12:16,208
Yeah. This one.
283
00:12:17,577 --> 00:12:19,411
Ah, man,
284
00:12:19,445 --> 00:12:21,279
that's good sausage.
285
00:12:21,314 --> 00:12:22,547
Oops. Excuse me.
286
00:12:22,582 --> 00:12:24,683
Anyways, this is
At the Moulin Rouge
287
00:12:24,717 --> 00:12:26,151
by Toulouse-Lautrec.
288
00:12:26,185 --> 00:12:28,153
Uh, it's from the 1890s.
289
00:12:28,187 --> 00:12:31,857
Now, he was a midge,
but he painted like a normal.
290
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:37,529
Now, here is a naked chick
made completely out of marble.
291
00:12:37,563 --> 00:12:39,698
I got to wonder--
I'm sure you do, too--
292
00:12:39,732 --> 00:12:42,501
how this thing didn't crack
when they were carving out
293
00:12:42,535 --> 00:12:44,669
her downstairs business.
294
00:12:44,704 --> 00:12:47,606
He did a great job
with the vagina.
295
00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:50,675
Here's a picture
by this guy Salvador Dalí.
296
00:12:50,710 --> 00:12:54,145
This guy, I'm telling you,
was a freakin' whack-a-doodle.
297
00:12:54,180 --> 00:12:57,349
Wow, who knew you could learn
so much at a museum?
298
00:12:57,383 --> 00:12:59,184
And this is only Chicago.
299
00:12:59,218 --> 00:13:01,686
From now on, I'm gonna volunteer
for every business trip,
300
00:13:01,721 --> 00:13:04,422
and see all the great stuff
that's out there.
301
00:13:04,457 --> 00:13:06,558
♪ I've been everywhere, man
302
00:13:06,592 --> 00:13:08,393
♪ I've been
everywhere, man ♪
303
00:13:08,427 --> 00:13:10,762
♪ Crossed
the deserts bare, man ♪
304
00:13:10,796 --> 00:13:11,963
♪ I've breathed
the mountain air, man ♪
305
00:13:13,933 --> 00:13:16,768
♪ I've been everywhere
306
00:13:16,802 --> 00:13:19,404
♪ I've been to Reno, Chicago,
Fargo, Minnesota ♪
307
00:13:19,438 --> 00:13:20,805
♪ Buffalo, Toronto, Winslow
308
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:22,807
♪ Sarasota, Wichita, Tulsa
309
00:13:22,842 --> 00:13:25,944
♪ Ottawa, Oklahoma, Tampa,
Panama, Mattawa, La Paloma ♪
310
00:13:25,978 --> 00:13:28,780
♪ Bangor, Baltimore,
Salvador, Amarillo, Tocopillo ♪
311
00:13:28,814 --> 00:13:30,482
♪ Barranquilla and Padilla,
I'm a killer ♪
312
00:13:30,516 --> 00:13:32,450
♪ I've been everywhere, man
313
00:13:32,485 --> 00:13:33,852
♪ I've been
everywhere, man ♪
314
00:13:33,886 --> 00:13:37,355
♪ Crossed
the deserts bare, man ♪
315
00:13:37,390 --> 00:13:39,558
♪ I've breathed
the mountain air, man ♪
316
00:13:39,592 --> 00:13:41,660
♪ Of travel,
I've had my share, man ♪
317
00:13:41,694 --> 00:13:45,330
♪ I've been everywhere
318
00:13:45,364 --> 00:13:48,199
♪ I've been to Boston,
Charleston, Dayton, Louisiana ♪
319
00:13:48,234 --> 00:13:49,901
♪ Washington, Houston,
Kingston, Texarkana ♪
320
00:13:49,936 --> 00:13:52,337
♪ Monterey, Ferriday,
Santa Fe, Tallapoosa ♪
321
00:13:52,371 --> 00:13:54,606
♪ Glen Rock, Black Rock,
Little Rock, Oskaloosa ♪
322
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,808
♪ Tennessee, Hennessey,
Chicopee, Spirit Lake ♪
323
00:13:56,842 --> 00:13:59,144
♪ Grand Lake, Devils Lake,
Crater Lake, for Pete's sake ♪
324
00:13:59,178 --> 00:14:01,947
♪ I've been everywhere.
325
00:14:04,717 --> 00:14:06,885
We now return
to Janeane Garofalo
326
00:14:06,919 --> 00:14:09,554
and Mark Ruffalo
in Garofaruffalo.
327
00:14:09,589 --> 00:14:10,822
Turn it off, Chris.
328
00:14:10,856 --> 00:14:12,757
I don't even want to know
what that is.
329
00:14:12,792 --> 00:14:15,160
Your father
has returned.
330
00:14:15,194 --> 00:14:16,728
Dad!
Oh, Peter!
331
00:14:16,762 --> 00:14:18,463
How were all your
business trips?
332
00:14:18,497 --> 00:14:20,231
Oh, exemplary, Chris.
333
00:14:20,266 --> 00:14:22,767
I don't understand what
either of those words mean.
334
00:14:22,802 --> 00:14:24,669
One of them
was "Chris."
335
00:14:24,704 --> 00:14:26,404
Peter, you seem...
different.
336
00:14:26,439 --> 00:14:29,441
That's right, Lois;
I live the life of the mind now.
337
00:14:29,475 --> 00:14:32,410
My brain is awash
with theorems and profundity
338
00:14:32,445 --> 00:14:35,347
and abstractions that I can
pontificate upon at length.
339
00:14:35,381 --> 00:14:37,415
Brian's a woof-cat!
340
00:14:37,450 --> 00:14:40,185
Peter, you sound
so refined.
341
00:14:40,219 --> 00:14:42,253
Are you...
intelligent now?
342
00:14:42,288 --> 00:14:44,356
Affirmative.
That means "yes."
343
00:14:44,390 --> 00:14:46,591
Does that please you?
It does, Peter.
344
00:14:46,626 --> 00:14:48,226
Well, it should.
345
00:14:48,260 --> 00:14:50,862
After all, knowledge is
the ultimate aphrodisiac.
346
00:14:50,896 --> 00:14:52,864
Shall we away
for relations?
347
00:14:52,898 --> 00:14:56,167
I'm not sure what you're
saying, but let's hump!
348
00:14:56,202 --> 00:14:58,069
Affirmative, affirmative,
349
00:14:58,104 --> 00:15:01,239
affirmative...
Oh, my God, affirmative!
350
00:15:01,273 --> 00:15:03,575
Wow, Peter, that was great!
351
00:15:03,609 --> 00:15:05,944
It was. Sorry I "arrived" early.
352
00:15:05,978 --> 00:15:07,545
That's okay.
353
00:15:07,580 --> 00:15:08,980
And sorry about the bedspread.
354
00:15:09,015 --> 00:15:11,583
That was about
a week's worth of arrive.
355
00:15:16,893 --> 00:15:20,028
Mom, Dad, the TV's broken!
356
00:15:20,233 --> 00:15:22,567
Actually, Chris,
I got rid of our television.
357
00:15:22,602 --> 00:15:25,137
This is our new bookshelf,
and I think you'll find
358
00:15:25,171 --> 00:15:28,206
it has more channels than
any TV we've ever owned.
359
00:15:28,241 --> 00:15:30,242
I want to watch
The Walking Dead!
360
00:15:30,276 --> 00:15:33,745
Then I shall read to you from
Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.
361
00:15:33,780 --> 00:15:35,180
I want to watch
New Girl.
362
00:15:35,214 --> 00:15:37,082
Perhaps you'd like to hear
about Jane Eyre,
363
00:15:37,116 --> 00:15:40,986
who felt quite the new girl
at Rochester's Thornfield Hall.
364
00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:42,788
How about
Game of Thrones?
365
00:15:42,822 --> 00:15:45,023
Instead, I shall read
to you from...
366
00:15:45,058 --> 00:15:46,691
Game of Thrones.
367
00:15:46,726 --> 00:15:48,960
Oh, finally, another reader
in the family.
368
00:15:48,995 --> 00:15:51,396
You know, these are some of
my favorite books and authors.
369
00:15:51,431 --> 00:15:53,131
Oh? What are you
reading right now?
370
00:15:53,166 --> 00:15:54,733
Oh, boy.
Well, I'm...
371
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:56,301
I'm sort of between
books right now.
372
00:15:56,335 --> 00:15:58,203
Yeah? What was
the last thing you read?
373
00:15:58,237 --> 00:15:59,905
He's got you on
the ropes now.
374
00:15:59,939 --> 00:16:02,007
I-I'm actually rereading
a lot of stuff.
375
00:16:02,041 --> 00:16:03,875
Yeah? Like what?
Just tap out.
376
00:16:03,910 --> 00:16:05,944
Uh... the classics,
you know?
377
00:16:05,978 --> 00:16:08,680
Going back to the,
uh... basics, really.
378
00:16:08,714 --> 00:16:10,916
Words on the printed page.
379
00:16:10,950 --> 00:16:12,918
Thank you,
Steve Guttenberg, right?
380
00:16:12,952 --> 00:16:14,252
What is this, oak?
381
00:16:14,287 --> 00:16:16,188
Oh, I don't even
think it's oak!
382
00:16:16,222 --> 00:16:18,957
Peter, I can't get over the way
you've transformed yourself.
383
00:16:18,991 --> 00:16:20,292
How'd you do it?
384
00:16:20,326 --> 00:16:22,327
Well, Lois, some of it
came from books,
385
00:16:22,361 --> 00:16:23,862
some came from museums,
386
00:16:23,896 --> 00:16:26,298
and, honestly, a lot of it
just came from travel.
387
00:16:26,332 --> 00:16:28,733
Hey, excuse me,
I need to rent a car.
388
00:16:28,768 --> 00:16:31,670
Preferably one where
the radio is stuck on NPR.
389
00:16:31,704 --> 00:16:33,171
Here you go.
390
00:16:35,308 --> 00:16:37,876
Hello.
It's me. I am returning.
391
00:16:37,910 --> 00:16:39,411
How was the car?
392
00:16:39,445 --> 00:16:41,113
Coastal and superior.
393
00:16:41,147 --> 00:16:43,248
I never knew whisper-talking
was so smart.
394
00:16:43,282 --> 00:16:45,984
And how will you be paying
for your rental, sir?
395
00:16:46,018 --> 00:16:48,687
I will pay you with stories
of my abusive father
396
00:16:48,721 --> 00:16:50,288
set to dissonant flute.
397
00:16:51,824 --> 00:16:54,292
I was seven when
he first came home drunk.
398
00:16:54,327 --> 00:16:58,230
A child should sleep
on his bed, not under it.
399
00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:02,367
Hey, what are you
listening to?
400
00:17:02,401 --> 00:17:04,236
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm learning Sanskrit.
401
00:17:04,270 --> 00:17:05,804
You know,
an ancient tongue
402
00:17:05,838 --> 00:17:07,873
can be as titillating
as a young one.
403
00:17:07,907 --> 00:17:09,674
Peter, what gives?
Ever since you had
404
00:17:09,709 --> 00:17:11,643
all those business trips,
you've been acting weird.
405
00:17:11,677 --> 00:17:15,247
Pity a man in familiar places
who yet feels like a stranger.
406
00:17:15,281 --> 00:17:18,150
You... you're the dick
who wrote that in the bathroom!
407
00:17:18,184 --> 00:17:21,386
Indeed. Being smart
and cultured is so lonely.
408
00:17:21,420 --> 00:17:24,022
Now I know why Oscar Wilde
turned to alcoholism
409
00:17:24,056 --> 00:17:26,024
and bone inhalation.
410
00:17:26,058 --> 00:17:28,126
Gentlemen, as they
say in Sanskrit,
411
00:17:28,161 --> 00:17:31,263
shubha prabhatam.
412
00:17:31,297 --> 00:17:33,932
You know
what's weird?
413
00:17:33,966 --> 00:17:35,367
Shubha Prabhatam
is my porn name.
414
00:17:35,401 --> 00:17:36,935
What?
415
00:17:36,969 --> 00:17:38,803
Yeah, first pet and
street you grew up on.
416
00:17:38,838 --> 00:17:40,906
You had a pet named Shubha?
Oh, yeah.
417
00:17:40,940 --> 00:17:42,440
Old Shubha was
a tough pooch.
418
00:17:42,475 --> 00:17:45,977
He was feared by everyone up
and down Prabhatam Drive.
419
00:17:46,012 --> 00:17:48,380
You have
a very weird past.
420
00:17:51,384 --> 00:17:53,818
All right, if this is
to be a smart family,
421
00:17:53,853 --> 00:17:55,453
we will have to learn
not to giggle
422
00:17:55,488 --> 00:17:58,056
at smart things that
sound dirty but are not.
423
00:17:58,090 --> 00:17:59,224
Balzac.
424
00:18:00,793 --> 00:18:02,160
Homo erectus.
425
00:18:03,863 --> 00:18:05,163
Spotted dick.
426
00:18:06,566 --> 00:18:09,167
The results have
been disappointing.
427
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:12,090
I always thought
spotted dick
428
00:18:12,124 --> 00:18:14,592
had something
to do with Morgan Freeman.
429
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,229
We now return to
430
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,798
Wizard Robot
and His Less Successful Friend.
431
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:24,202
Aah! We're in a real jar
of jam this time, Wizard Robot.
432
00:18:24,236 --> 00:18:25,403
Gip-gop.
433
00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:27,238
I have put too much suds
in this machine
434
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:28,840
for washing clothes.
435
00:18:28,874 --> 00:18:31,342
And tonight is the night
I meet with other members
436
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:33,278
of my form twelve
learning mates
437
00:18:33,312 --> 00:18:36,447
to celebrate the exactly
two groupings of ten years ago.
438
00:18:36,482 --> 00:18:37,815
Gip-gop.
439
00:18:39,518 --> 00:18:41,119
Oh, excellent!
440
00:18:41,153 --> 00:18:42,987
The situation
has abated itself.
441
00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:44,489
Let us leave the room
442
00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:47,325
where no comedic situation
will soon take place.
443
00:18:52,898 --> 00:18:56,801
Wizard Robot and
His Less Successful Friend.
444
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:01,873
Hi, Lois.
No, I wasn't!
445
00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:03,875
Oh, Brian, thank God
it's just you.
446
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:06,077
You know how Peter
thinks TV rots the mind.
447
00:19:06,111 --> 00:19:08,880
Oh, as long as you're here, can
you run some vocabulary with me?
448
00:19:08,914 --> 00:19:11,115
I need to know how to use
these words in sentences
449
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,417
by the time
Peter gets home.
450
00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:14,385
Oh, that should be easy.
Just give me the word,
451
00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:16,321
and I'll put it in
a sentence for you.
452
00:19:16,355 --> 00:19:17,989
"Anodyne."
453
00:19:18,023 --> 00:19:21,926
Uh... a friend asked me
what "anodyne" means.
454
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,361
Oh, who am I kidding?
455
00:19:23,395 --> 00:19:25,363
I'm never gonna learn
any of these words.
456
00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:27,198
I can't take
this anymore, Brian,
457
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:28,599
and the kids
can't either.
458
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:30,134
Peter's become
a nightmare.
459
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,203
Wait, I thought this was
what you always wanted--
460
00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:33,905
for Peter not to be
an idiot.
461
00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:35,606
Oh, at least that Peter was fun
462
00:19:35,641 --> 00:19:37,475
and didn't make me
feel so stupid.
463
00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:39,577
I miss the old Peter.
464
00:19:39,611 --> 00:19:41,145
Well, we got
to do something,
465
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,281
'cause this new Peter
just sounds all wrong.
466
00:19:43,315 --> 00:19:45,550
Like a pilot
without a calming voice.
467
00:19:45,584 --> 00:19:47,218
We've now
468
00:19:47,252 --> 00:19:49,220
reached our cruising altitude!
469
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:51,689
If you look out the window,
you'll see the Rocky Mountains!
470
00:19:53,058 --> 00:19:55,360
We have to get
out of here!
471
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,796
Wait a minute.
472
00:19:58,831 --> 00:20:01,499
If visiting San Francisco and
New York made Peter smart,
473
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:04,135
maybe if we send him
to the dumbest city
474
00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:06,671
in the whole country, it'll
bring back the old Peter.
475
00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:08,973
Huh. It's worth a try.
476
00:20:12,911 --> 00:20:14,579
Aloha!
477
00:20:24,356 --> 00:20:26,090
Is Peter home?
He's pulling in now.
478
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:28,092
I sure hope Tucson helped.
479
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:30,194
Heads up, guys.
I farted on the doorstep,
480
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,729
but it's hot
on my trail.
481
00:20:31,764 --> 00:20:34,165
Oh, Brian,
that's a good sign.
482
00:20:34,199 --> 00:20:36,300
How was your trip?
Oh, amazing.
483
00:20:36,335 --> 00:20:39,103
I saw a wet T-shirt contest
using chocolate milk.
484
00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:41,038
It was at
the Tucson Philharmonic.
485
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,240
What else did you do?
486
00:20:42,671 --> 00:20:44,761
Eh, mostly just picked
my desert boogers.
487
00:20:44,763 --> 00:20:47,272
Oh, Peter, you're back!
Thank God!
488
00:20:48,002 --> 00:20:50,002
We all owe that trash city
a debt of gratitude.
489
00:20:51,038 --> 00:20:53,406
Did you know Battleship
is still in theaters there?
490
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:58,440
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man