1
00:00:00,805 --> 00:00:04,035
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,135 --> 00:00:07,404
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,438 --> 00:00:10,974
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,008 --> 00:00:13,977
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,011 --> 00:00:17,480
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:17,515 --> 00:00:20,817
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:20,852 --> 00:00:22,385
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:22,420 --> 00:00:23,787
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:23,821 --> 00:00:25,821
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:25,927 --> 00:00:29,927
♪ Family Guy 12x03 ♪
Quagmire's Quagmire
Original Air Date on November 3, 2013
11
00:00:29,928 --> 00:00:34,928
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:35,432 --> 00:00:37,967
Hey, thanks for helping me pick
out a new computer, you guys.
13
00:00:38,001 --> 00:00:39,268
Oh, no problem,
Quagmire.
14
00:00:39,303 --> 00:00:40,970
God, this place is
always so crowded.
15
00:00:41,004 --> 00:00:42,572
We gotta find someone
who works here.
16
00:00:42,606 --> 00:00:43,840
Can I help you, sir?
17
00:00:43,874 --> 00:00:46,342
Sorry, all I got
is a quarter, pal.
18
00:00:46,377 --> 00:00:47,977
Oh, excuse me, sir.
19
00:00:48,011 --> 00:00:49,979
My buddy here is
looking for a computer.
20
00:00:50,013 --> 00:00:51,914
I would like to elect you
president.
21
00:00:53,984 --> 00:00:55,118
What are you doing?
22
00:00:55,152 --> 00:00:57,120
You gonna get a new phone
while we're here?
23
00:00:57,154 --> 00:00:58,654
Maybe. But I gotta see
which one
24
00:00:58,689 --> 00:01:01,257
I wanna take in and out of
my pocket every 30 seconds
25
00:01:01,291 --> 00:01:02,492
for the next six years.
26
00:01:02,526 --> 00:01:03,766
What do you think,
Peter? Peter?
27
00:01:03,794 --> 00:01:06,929
I touched a iPhone headphone.
28
00:01:08,799 --> 00:01:10,933
You know what?
I think I'm gonna go with this one.
29
00:01:10,968 --> 00:01:13,102
Guy said it's the newest version.
Just came out this week.
30
00:01:13,137 --> 00:01:14,103
Ah, good call,
Quagmire.
31
00:01:14,138 --> 00:01:15,505
You're gonna be like
the first guy
32
00:01:15,539 --> 00:01:17,106
in the neighborhood
to own a Model T.
33
00:01:19,476 --> 00:01:21,077
See ya, suckers!
34
00:01:21,111 --> 00:01:24,847
I'll be there an hour after you
with throw-up all over my legs!
35
00:01:28,352 --> 00:01:30,219
Are you getting excited
for Halloween, Stewie?
36
00:01:30,254 --> 00:01:32,121
You know, we'll have
to start thinking
37
00:01:32,156 --> 00:01:33,489
about your costume soon.
38
00:01:33,524 --> 00:01:34,957
All right, but let's make sure
39
00:01:34,992 --> 00:01:36,692
we don't cover up this,
all right?
40
00:01:36,727 --> 00:01:38,628
It's what puts candy in the bag.
41
00:01:38,662 --> 00:01:40,430
Oh, look, Chris,
here's your costume
42
00:01:40,464 --> 00:01:42,465
from the year you went
as a condom.
43
00:01:42,499 --> 00:01:45,134
What the hell are you
supposed to be?
44
00:01:45,169 --> 00:01:48,337
Oh, Stewie, look!
45
00:01:48,372 --> 00:01:50,773
It's your very
first teddy bear!
46
00:01:52,209 --> 00:01:54,177
Oscar?
47
00:01:54,211 --> 00:01:56,012
Wow, I remember
that bear.
48
00:01:56,046 --> 00:01:57,980
That's the one Grandma
and Grandpa brought Stewie
49
00:01:58,015 --> 00:01:59,882
when he was still
in the hospital.
50
00:01:59,917 --> 00:02:01,717
Oh, and here's the card
they sent me.
51
00:02:01,752 --> 00:02:06,422
"Three kids on $40,000?
Have fun with your crap life."
52
00:02:06,457 --> 00:02:08,257
I guess he got tucked
away up here.
53
00:02:08,292 --> 00:02:09,826
You want him back,
sweetie?
54
00:02:13,397 --> 00:02:14,430
What, this old thing?
55
00:02:14,465 --> 00:02:15,698
No, no, thank you.
I've grown.
56
00:02:15,732 --> 00:02:16,732
I've changed.
57
00:02:16,767 --> 00:02:18,201
You sure you
don't want him?
58
00:02:18,235 --> 00:02:19,368
I said no, okay?
59
00:02:19,403 --> 00:02:20,736
Don't you have
a wedding dress
60
00:02:20,771 --> 00:02:22,738
to try halfway on
and then cry about?
61
00:02:27,578 --> 00:02:29,345
Hello? Oh, hey, Quagmire.
What's up?
62
00:02:29,379 --> 00:02:31,681
Hey, Peter, I need
some help with my computer.
63
00:02:31,715 --> 00:02:32,949
I can't find my photos.
64
00:02:32,983 --> 00:02:34,217
Did you look
under "Photos"?
65
00:02:34,251 --> 00:02:35,351
What is that?
66
00:02:35,385 --> 00:02:36,652
It's a folder
called "Photos."
67
00:02:36,687 --> 00:02:37,920
Yeah, I-I don't have that.
68
00:02:37,955 --> 00:02:39,956
I just have 40 folders
all called "New Folder."
69
00:02:39,990 --> 00:02:41,991
Okay. You know what?
Click on your hard drive.
70
00:02:42,025 --> 00:02:43,593
Okay, now-now the arrow
on the screen,
71
00:02:43,627 --> 00:02:44,894
that's me, right?
72
00:02:44,928 --> 00:02:46,762
Yeah, yeah, that's you.
Okay, now-now just...
73
00:02:46,797 --> 00:02:48,798
Whoa-whoa-whoa!
There's a calculator on this thing?!
74
00:02:48,832 --> 00:02:51,000
Listen, Quagmire,
what are you trying to do?
75
00:02:51,034 --> 00:02:51,929
I just wanna put pictures
of my cat
76
00:02:51,930 --> 00:02:53,355
on everyone's
Internet computer.
77
00:02:53,356 --> 00:02:54,556
Like, how do I do that?
78
00:02:54,938 --> 00:02:56,772
Okay, wait. There's an agreement
that just popped up.
79
00:02:56,807 --> 00:02:58,441
Hang on. L-Let me read
the whole thing.
80
00:02:58,475 --> 00:02:59,642
Just hit "Accept."
81
00:02:59,676 --> 00:03:01,477
Well, that seems a little foolhardy,
doesn't it, Peter?
82
00:03:01,512 --> 00:03:03,145
Look, do we have
to do this now?
83
00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:04,146
I'm watching something.
84
00:03:04,181 --> 00:03:05,147
I know. I'm sorry.
85
00:03:05,182 --> 00:03:06,516
I-I'm just nervous
that somebody else
86
00:03:06,550 --> 00:03:08,651
is gonna get pictures
of their cat on the Internet first,
87
00:03:08,685 --> 00:03:10,620
and then I'll always be known
as the second guy
88
00:03:10,654 --> 00:03:12,488
to get pictures of his cat
on the Internet.
89
00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:14,390
Quagmire, I don't know
how to tell you this,
90
00:03:14,424 --> 00:03:15,925
but there's already
cats on the Internet.
91
00:03:15,959 --> 00:03:17,460
Wait, it's-it's giving me
that pinwheel thing.
92
00:03:17,494 --> 00:03:20,263
It-It's frozen. Oh, my God,
oh, my God, it crashed!
93
00:03:20,297 --> 00:03:21,731
The whole thing
just crashed!
94
00:03:21,765 --> 00:03:22,832
Geez, Quagmire,
calm down.
95
00:03:22,866 --> 00:03:23,933
We'll figure it out.
96
00:03:23,967 --> 00:03:25,468
No, Peter,
the whole thing's fried!
97
00:03:25,502 --> 00:03:26,569
I can't even...!
98
00:03:26,603 --> 00:03:28,271
Ah! damn it!
What the hell?!
99
00:03:28,305 --> 00:03:30,139
Hey, you clicked "Accept."
100
00:03:33,443 --> 00:03:35,244
Hey, what's going on?
101
00:03:35,279 --> 00:03:36,746
You doing some
reading there?
102
00:03:36,780 --> 00:03:38,548
Yes, well, you know
I turn to poetry
103
00:03:38,582 --> 00:03:40,449
when matters of the heart
weigh heavily on me.
104
00:03:40,484 --> 00:03:42,184
"If you're happy
and you know it,
105
00:03:42,219 --> 00:03:45,655
"then your face will
surely show it.
106
00:03:45,689 --> 00:03:47,723
"If you're happy
and you know it,
107
00:03:47,758 --> 00:03:49,325
"clap your hands.
108
00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:50,326
Anonymous."
109
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:51,627
Wait-- matters
of the heart?
110
00:03:51,662 --> 00:03:53,029
What are you
talking about?
111
00:03:53,063 --> 00:03:55,731
Well, Lois found my old teddy
bear, Oscar, in the attic.
112
00:03:55,766 --> 00:03:57,967
And I'm just not sure how
to handle it,
113
00:03:58,001 --> 00:03:59,602
what with Rupert and all.
114
00:03:59,636 --> 00:04:01,203
Who cares?
Just play with them both.
115
00:04:01,238 --> 00:04:02,438
I can't do that!
116
00:04:02,472 --> 00:04:04,073
Oh, it would be
so awkward!
117
00:04:04,107 --> 00:04:05,441
Um... okay.
118
00:04:05,475 --> 00:04:06,776
Oscar was my...
119
00:04:06,810 --> 00:04:08,511
well, he was my first,
you know.
120
00:04:08,545 --> 00:04:09,946
And that's always exciting.
121
00:04:09,980 --> 00:04:12,081
But-but I've been
with Rupert for so long now.
122
00:04:12,115 --> 00:04:13,082
Uh-huh.
123
00:04:13,116 --> 00:04:14,617
Most of our finances
are intertwined.
124
00:04:14,651 --> 00:04:16,052
We've built
a life together.
125
00:04:16,086 --> 00:04:17,887
On the other hand,
Oscar...
126
00:04:17,921 --> 00:04:20,189
Oscar's the only one who can
really make me laugh.
127
00:04:20,223 --> 00:04:23,693
I hate to say it, but I'm mostly
with Rupert because of his insurance.
128
00:04:23,727 --> 00:04:25,328
Stewie, I think you're
overthinking this.
129
00:04:25,362 --> 00:04:26,963
No, you're right.
You're right, Brian.
130
00:04:26,997 --> 00:04:28,030
I'm with Rupert now.
131
00:04:28,065 --> 00:04:29,765
I just need
to forget Oscar.
132
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:32,134
No matter how intense
our relationship was.
133
00:04:36,006 --> 00:04:37,940
That's amazing.
134
00:04:37,975 --> 00:04:39,909
It's like you took
all the colors that exist
135
00:04:39,943 --> 00:04:43,145
and said, ",
here's a new one."
136
00:04:47,584 --> 00:04:48,918
Hi, can I help you?
137
00:04:48,952 --> 00:04:49,919
Well, that depends.
138
00:04:49,953 --> 00:04:51,621
Do you know how
to fix pieces of junk?!
139
00:04:51,655 --> 00:04:53,122
Haven't been stumped yet.
140
00:04:55,292 --> 00:04:58,160
Okay, I see what
your problem is.
141
00:04:58,195 --> 00:05:00,329
I-I-I tried to buy
a sweater online,
142
00:05:00,364 --> 00:05:02,198
and I-I think
I got a virus.
143
00:05:02,232 --> 00:05:04,600
No, the porn's
not the problem.
144
00:05:04,635 --> 00:05:06,102
Your browser history shows
145
00:05:06,136 --> 00:05:07,937
that you've been going
to kinkylatinas.net.
146
00:05:07,971 --> 00:05:10,206
But that site has
a bunch of malware.
147
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:11,407
Oh.
148
00:05:11,441 --> 00:05:12,842
Personally, I'd recommend
College Latinas.
149
00:05:12,876 --> 00:05:15,678
I mean, I wanna see Latinas,
but I also want them to
150
00:05:15,712 --> 00:05:17,680
Speak English. speak English.
Yes, exactly.
151
00:05:17,714 --> 00:05:20,516
Wow. So you're into that kind
of stuff, too?
152
00:05:20,550 --> 00:05:22,385
Uh-huh.
153
00:05:23,854 --> 00:05:26,122
Would you, uh, would you have
dinner with me?
154
00:05:26,156 --> 00:05:27,890
Absolutely.
155
00:05:27,924 --> 00:05:30,359
Excuse me. I bought this
laptop here yesterday,
156
00:05:30,394 --> 00:05:33,229
but when I got home I noticed
the apple already had
157
00:05:33,263 --> 00:05:35,831
a bite taken out of it!
158
00:05:40,937 --> 00:05:42,571
So, yeah, I was
the first woman
159
00:05:42,606 --> 00:05:44,640
to ride her bike
cross-country with no seat.
160
00:05:44,675 --> 00:05:46,008
Gosh, that's neat, Sonja.
161
00:05:46,043 --> 00:05:47,376
And-and where'd
you go to college?
162
00:05:47,411 --> 00:05:49,478
I think Syracuse,
but I don't know.
163
00:05:49,513 --> 00:05:52,148
My face was buried
in a pillow all four years.
164
00:05:52,182 --> 00:05:54,550
Wow, sounds like you took
a full class load.
165
00:05:56,286 --> 00:05:59,388
Oh, Glenn, I'm so glad
you asked me out.
166
00:05:59,423 --> 00:06:00,990
Whenever I talk
about stuff like this,
167
00:06:01,024 --> 00:06:02,425
most people look at me
168
00:06:02,459 --> 00:06:04,160
like I'm some kind
of disgusting perv.
169
00:06:04,194 --> 00:06:05,394
Me, too, but who cares?
170
00:06:05,429 --> 00:06:07,263
You should never be afraid
to be different.
171
00:06:07,297 --> 00:06:08,264
Hoo.
172
00:06:08,298 --> 00:06:09,265
Hoo.
173
00:06:09,299 --> 00:06:11,767
Whom.
174
00:06:15,772 --> 00:06:17,039
Morning.
175
00:06:17,074 --> 00:06:19,875
Morning.
176
00:06:19,910 --> 00:06:22,078
We kind of had
a crazy night.
177
00:06:22,112 --> 00:06:23,512
Yeah, we... Did we?
178
00:06:23,547 --> 00:06:24,714
I don't really remember,
179
00:06:24,748 --> 00:06:27,483
but I do feel like I might
be down a couple of quarts.
180
00:06:28,719 --> 00:06:31,220
Well, even though you seemed
like a sure thing,
181
00:06:31,254 --> 00:06:33,923
I really wanted
to make sure.
182
00:06:35,459 --> 00:06:37,893
Oh, my God!
You roofied me?!
183
00:06:37,928 --> 00:06:39,095
Are you mad?
184
00:06:39,129 --> 00:06:42,732
No. I'm in love!
185
00:06:45,001 --> 00:06:46,202
Sonja, honey,
stay right here.
186
00:06:46,236 --> 00:06:48,070
I just have to go
to the bathroom.
187
00:06:48,105 --> 00:06:49,205
Wait, Glenn.
188
00:06:49,239 --> 00:06:52,241
Take this wine glass.
We can use it later.
189
00:06:52,275 --> 00:06:54,176
My God, I...
190
00:06:54,211 --> 00:06:56,045
I've never been so happy!
191
00:07:00,401 --> 00:07:03,136
I'm telling you guys,
Sonja is the perfect woman.
192
00:07:03,171 --> 00:07:05,739
She's every bit as kinky
and as insatiable as I am.
193
00:07:05,773 --> 00:07:06,340
Really?
194
00:07:06,365 --> 00:07:08,341
I thought you said she was
just some computer geek.
195
00:07:08,342 --> 00:07:09,609
She is.
196
00:07:09,644 --> 00:07:12,746
Her mouth has enough storage
space for a giggity-byte. Oh!
197
00:07:14,048 --> 00:07:16,049
Geez, you changed your
relationship status already?
198
00:07:16,084 --> 00:07:17,617
When you know, you know.
199
00:07:17,652 --> 00:07:19,419
All right, but just
be careful, ya know?
200
00:07:19,454 --> 00:07:21,021
You don't wanna rush an
important decision.
201
00:07:21,055 --> 00:07:22,422
I'll take
the cheeseburger meal.
202
00:07:22,457 --> 00:07:24,524
Would you like to make it
an extra large meal?
203
00:07:24,559 --> 00:07:27,094
Uh...
204
00:07:52,420 --> 00:07:53,920
N-No. Yes.
205
00:07:53,955 --> 00:07:55,088
No.
206
00:07:55,123 --> 00:07:57,424
You sure? It's only
29 cents more.
207
00:07:57,458 --> 00:07:58,658
Yes.
208
00:07:58,693 --> 00:08:00,427
No.
209
00:08:05,199 --> 00:08:06,833
What the hell?
210
00:08:09,670 --> 00:08:10,904
Stewie, what are you doing
up here?
211
00:08:10,938 --> 00:08:12,706
Brian!
212
00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:13,907
It's not what you think!
213
00:08:13,941 --> 00:08:15,876
All right, I came up here
for a photo shoot
214
00:08:15,910 --> 00:08:17,844
and it just got way,
way out of hand!
215
00:08:17,879 --> 00:08:18,979
You're having tea.
216
00:08:19,013 --> 00:08:20,514
How is that
out of hand?
217
00:08:20,548 --> 00:08:21,982
Is your shirt
on backwards?
218
00:08:22,016 --> 00:08:24,618
Please! You can't tell Rupert
I was up here, all right?
219
00:08:24,652 --> 00:08:26,319
He wouldn't understand.
He'll kill himself, Brian!
220
00:08:26,354 --> 00:08:27,754
He's been through so much
already!
221
00:08:27,789 --> 00:08:29,523
He can't take much more!
222
00:08:29,557 --> 00:08:31,725
Brian, he watched
his brother drown!
223
00:08:31,759 --> 00:08:32,959
Stewie, relax.
224
00:08:32,994 --> 00:08:34,928
You're getting all
worked up over nothing.
225
00:08:34,962 --> 00:08:36,563
Says the guy who freaks out
226
00:08:36,597 --> 00:08:38,565
every time
a fire engine goes by.
227
00:08:39,634 --> 00:08:41,601
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
228
00:08:43,404 --> 00:08:46,740
Peter, Peter, you hear that?!
229
00:08:46,774 --> 00:08:50,877
I'm matching the sound!
230
00:08:50,912 --> 00:08:52,846
Is what I'm doing helping?
231
00:08:56,450 --> 00:08:58,785
Glenn, why did you
bring me here?
232
00:08:58,820 --> 00:09:00,020
Well, I've always had
this fantasy
233
00:09:00,054 --> 00:09:01,555
of having sex on
the basketball court
234
00:09:01,589 --> 00:09:03,056
in front of my
high school principal.
235
00:09:03,090 --> 00:09:07,227
Only problem is he's
now completely senile.
236
00:09:07,261 --> 00:09:09,763
Yeah, you like this,
Principal Goodrich, huh?
237
00:09:09,797 --> 00:09:10,997
Remember you once
suspended me
238
00:09:11,032 --> 00:09:12,532
for showing my wiener
in school?
239
00:09:12,567 --> 00:09:13,900
I did?
240
00:09:13,935 --> 00:09:16,269
This isn't as much fun
as I thought it would be.
241
00:09:16,304 --> 00:09:18,205
I'm sorry, Sonja,
I don't think I can finish.
242
00:09:18,239 --> 00:09:20,273
You never could finish,
Quagmire!
243
00:09:20,308 --> 00:09:22,375
Donahue, get in there!
244
00:09:23,945 --> 00:09:26,813
Okay, Glenn, now that we've
covered ourselves in black ink,
245
00:09:26,848 --> 00:09:28,448
let's do it until
we've created
246
00:09:28,482 --> 00:09:31,518
every character in
the Chinese alphabet.
247
00:09:41,262 --> 00:09:43,296
When all said and done,
248
00:09:43,331 --> 00:09:46,399
Quagmire body tell story
of sadness.
249
00:09:49,604 --> 00:09:52,138
Wow, I can't even imagine
what twisted deviant act
250
00:09:52,173 --> 00:09:53,773
you've thought of this time.
251
00:09:53,808 --> 00:09:56,343
I want you to have sex
with your father.
252
00:09:56,377 --> 00:09:57,844
What?!
253
00:09:57,879 --> 00:09:59,579
Yep, and I'm gonna watch.
254
00:09:59,614 --> 00:10:00,747
Hi, Glenn.
255
00:10:00,781 --> 00:10:02,816
Are you crazy?! No!
No way!
256
00:10:02,850 --> 00:10:05,418
Glenn, remember, the thing we love
most about each other
257
00:10:05,453 --> 00:10:07,087
is that we push
each other
258
00:10:07,121 --> 00:10:10,523
way beyond
our normal boundaries.
259
00:10:10,558 --> 00:10:12,859
Did you enjoy your stay
at the Marriott?
260
00:10:12,894 --> 00:10:14,694
No, I did not.
261
00:10:18,099 --> 00:10:21,534
Oh, well, excuse me for not
being six months old anymore!
262
00:10:21,569 --> 00:10:23,470
Oh, and here come
the tears!
263
00:10:23,504 --> 00:10:26,206
The show is starting,
everyone! Come on down!
264
00:10:27,775 --> 00:10:29,542
What's all that noise?
265
00:10:29,577 --> 00:10:31,044
What the hell's
going on up there?
266
00:10:31,078 --> 00:10:32,579
We're in a fight is
what's going on!
267
00:10:32,613 --> 00:10:34,681
Brian, I need you to settle
an argument for us:
268
00:10:34,715 --> 00:10:35,882
am I Hitler?
269
00:10:35,917 --> 00:10:37,384
Because I don't think
that I am,
270
00:10:37,418 --> 00:10:40,287
but maybe-maybe
I'm off base on this.
271
00:10:40,321 --> 00:10:41,421
Stewie, take it easy.
272
00:10:41,455 --> 00:10:42,455
No, you know what?
273
00:10:42,490 --> 00:10:43,890
You may as well call
your family now
274
00:10:43,891 --> 00:10:45,158
because I'm not going
to Sarasota.
275
00:10:45,192 --> 00:10:46,893
I don't care
if we can't get a refund,
276
00:10:46,928 --> 00:10:47,961
we're through!
277
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:49,095
Here, Brian, you take him.
278
00:10:49,130 --> 00:10:50,363
Maybe you can make him happy.
279
00:10:50,398 --> 00:10:51,665
What?
You heard me. Take him.
280
00:10:51,699 --> 00:10:53,433
Do whatever you want
with him, I don't care.
281
00:10:53,467 --> 00:10:54,701
Rupert and I are over!
282
00:10:54,735 --> 00:10:55,769
Are you sure?
283
00:10:55,803 --> 00:10:56,870
Yes, we're done.
284
00:10:56,904 --> 00:10:58,338
I just hope we can
handle it better
285
00:10:58,372 --> 00:11:00,307
than blue and yellow
did when they split up.
286
00:11:00,341 --> 00:11:02,242
You were supposed to have
the kids here by 5:00.
287
00:11:02,276 --> 00:11:03,343
We have plans.
288
00:11:03,377 --> 00:11:04,477
It's 5:15.
289
00:11:04,512 --> 00:11:05,946
Stop busting my hump, Alicia.
290
00:11:05,980 --> 00:11:07,213
Okay, you know
what, let's not...
291
00:11:07,248 --> 00:11:08,715
let's not do this
in front of the kids.
292
00:11:08,749 --> 00:11:09,983
God, you're right.
293
00:11:10,017 --> 00:11:11,217
What ever happened to us?
294
00:11:11,252 --> 00:11:13,053
Hey, baby, you
ready for dinner?
295
00:11:13,087 --> 00:11:14,220
What's up, Scott?
296
00:11:14,255 --> 00:11:16,222
We gonna get
some barbecue.
297
00:11:19,427 --> 00:11:20,593
Hey, guys.
298
00:11:20,628 --> 00:11:22,362
No, indoors, not okay.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
299
00:11:22,396 --> 00:11:23,830
Don't do it.
Nighttime, not allowed.
300
00:11:23,864 --> 00:11:25,198
What? There's nothing
wrong with this.
301
00:11:25,232 --> 00:11:27,100
No, no way, give me those.
302
00:11:28,602 --> 00:11:29,703
Oh, my God.
303
00:11:29,737 --> 00:11:31,104
Quagmire,
what the hell happened?
304
00:11:31,138 --> 00:11:32,872
Is this another one
of those sex-related injuries
305
00:11:32,907 --> 00:11:34,040
you keep getting?
306
00:11:34,075 --> 00:11:35,375
Yeah, it seems like lately
307
00:11:35,409 --> 00:11:37,844
that girlfriend of yours is
taking things a little too far.
308
00:11:37,878 --> 00:11:39,946
No, she's not;
everything's great with us.
309
00:12:02,503 --> 00:12:04,371
Are you guys still talking
about Sonja?
310
00:12:04,405 --> 00:12:05,739
All right, I should
probably get going.
311
00:12:05,773 --> 00:12:06,973
Sonja and I are supposed to go
312
00:12:06,974 --> 00:12:09,642
to a "Brown Eyes
Wide Shut" party.
313
00:12:09,677 --> 00:12:11,678
Geez, I don't know what's
going on with him.
314
00:12:11,712 --> 00:12:13,747
But I guess love does
funny things to people.
315
00:12:13,781 --> 00:12:15,115
Look at Forrest Gump.
316
00:12:15,149 --> 00:12:16,383
Hi, Forrest.
317
00:12:16,417 --> 00:12:19,019
I know you just got back
from Vietnam and you love me,
318
00:12:19,053 --> 00:12:20,787
but I'm gonna go run a train
319
00:12:20,821 --> 00:12:22,789
with this group
of Black Panthers I just met.
320
00:12:22,823 --> 00:12:24,791
Okay, Jenny.
321
00:12:24,825 --> 00:12:26,126
Hi, Forrest.
322
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:28,495
I know you came all this way
to New York to visit me,
323
00:12:28,529 --> 00:12:29,662
but I'm gonna go do blow
324
00:12:29,697 --> 00:12:31,498
and have sex
with a bunch of stockbrokers.
325
00:12:31,532 --> 00:12:33,466
Okay, Jenny.
326
00:12:33,501 --> 00:12:34,634
Hi, Forrest.
327
00:12:34,668 --> 00:12:36,202
Now that I have
the most contagious
328
00:12:36,237 --> 00:12:38,204
and incurable disease
known to mankind,
329
00:12:38,239 --> 00:12:40,140
I'll finally have pity sex
with you.
330
00:12:40,174 --> 00:12:41,975
Okay, Jenny.
331
00:12:42,009 --> 00:12:45,345
And I'll mow the grass
and raise the AIDS baby.
332
00:12:48,549 --> 00:12:49,682
Hey, sexy.
333
00:12:49,717 --> 00:12:52,018
Sonja, what are you doing here?
334
00:12:52,053 --> 00:12:54,654
Well, I got tired of waiting
for you to get home,
335
00:12:54,688 --> 00:12:56,756
so I thought I'd come to you.
336
00:12:56,791 --> 00:12:57,991
Come on, Sonja. How about...
337
00:12:58,025 --> 00:12:59,459
how about
we take a night off, huh?
338
00:12:59,493 --> 00:13:00,894
The sex has just been nonstop.
339
00:13:00,928 --> 00:13:03,596
I mean, I understand
that "no" doesn't mean "no,"
340
00:13:03,631 --> 00:13:05,999
but certainly some word
has got to mean "no."
341
00:13:09,537 --> 00:13:11,137
This is one of your
fantasies, right?
342
00:13:11,172 --> 00:13:13,306
Public humiliation?
343
00:13:13,340 --> 00:13:15,942
Mm, it's sexy, isn't it?
344
00:13:18,412 --> 00:13:19,813
Sonja, stop, please!
345
00:13:19,847 --> 00:13:22,282
Come on, you love it.
346
00:13:26,053 --> 00:13:28,021
Ow! Ow! Ow!
347
00:13:28,055 --> 00:13:30,557
You're hurting me, and I really
need to clean out my trunk!
348
00:13:30,591 --> 00:13:32,358
Oh, I'm gonna clean
out your trunk.
349
00:13:32,393 --> 00:13:33,560
Giggity.
350
00:13:33,594 --> 00:13:34,694
That's my word.
351
00:13:34,728 --> 00:13:36,096
That's my word!
352
00:13:41,001 --> 00:13:43,536
Okay, Joe, Joe,
you're drunk, okay?
353
00:13:43,571 --> 00:13:45,572
You're drunk;
give me your keys.
354
00:13:45,606 --> 00:13:47,941
And-and I'm drunk,
so I'll give you my keys.
355
00:13:47,975 --> 00:13:51,077
Okay, now we're both good
to drive home.
356
00:13:55,249 --> 00:13:56,950
You been drinking tonight, sir?
357
00:13:56,984 --> 00:14:00,720
Uh, no, Officer, I just had
a glass of dinner with my wine.
358
00:14:00,754 --> 00:14:02,989
Okay, I'm gonna need you
to step out of the car
359
00:14:03,023 --> 00:14:05,325
and walk a straight
line, please.
360
00:14:05,359 --> 00:14:07,727
All right, you be safe, sir.
361
00:14:07,761 --> 00:14:09,863
There's a lot of crazies
out there tonight.
362
00:14:17,799 --> 00:14:19,600
Oh, hey, Mr. and
Mrs. Quagmire.
363
00:14:19,635 --> 00:14:20,701
Hi, Peter.
364
00:14:20,736 --> 00:14:22,103
I'm a little worried
about Glenn.
365
00:14:22,137 --> 00:14:23,771
I haven't heard
from him in days.
366
00:14:23,805 --> 00:14:24,939
Have you seen him?
367
00:14:24,973 --> 00:14:26,107
I haven't seen anybody.
368
00:14:26,141 --> 00:14:27,909
I've been grounded
for pinching a girl.
369
00:14:27,943 --> 00:14:30,044
Hey, are you guys talking
about Quagmire?
370
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,646
He never showed
this morning,
371
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,348
and today's the day
we usually go apple picking.
372
00:14:34,383 --> 00:14:35,783
Get that one.
373
00:14:35,817 --> 00:14:36,951
Get that one!
374
00:14:36,985 --> 00:14:38,286
Hey, get that one.
375
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:39,620
Get that one over there.
376
00:14:39,655 --> 00:14:41,355
No, not-not that one.
377
00:14:41,390 --> 00:14:42,957
I already got it!
I can't put it back!
378
00:14:42,991 --> 00:14:44,392
Well, it's not
going in the pie.
379
00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,127
Well, if you're so smart,
why don't you come up here
380
00:14:46,161 --> 00:14:47,328
and pick them yourself?
381
00:14:47,362 --> 00:14:49,463
And now there's
no pie at all.
382
00:14:49,498 --> 00:14:50,965
I've already checked
Glenn's house,
383
00:14:50,999 --> 00:14:52,633
and there's no sign
he's even been there.
384
00:14:52,668 --> 00:14:54,535
I'm afraid something terrible
has happened.
385
00:14:54,569 --> 00:14:56,337
Now let's not jump
to any conclusions.
386
00:14:56,371 --> 00:14:58,239
I'm sure if we just check
his usual hangouts,
387
00:14:58,273 --> 00:14:59,840
someone will have seen him.
388
00:14:59,875 --> 00:15:00,975
Wait a second.
389
00:15:01,009 --> 00:15:03,044
He hangs out at the Clam
with some fat loudmouth.
390
00:15:03,078 --> 00:15:05,479
You find Loudy McFatass,
you find Quagmire.
391
00:15:05,514 --> 00:15:06,714
Come on, let's go.
392
00:15:06,748 --> 00:15:08,816
But Dad, it's the
night of my big show.
393
00:15:08,850 --> 00:15:12,486
Oh, Chris, I was never
gonna go to that.
394
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:17,758
We should get some food
in you, mister.
395
00:15:17,793 --> 00:15:19,593
You hardly ate
any of that cereal
396
00:15:19,628 --> 00:15:21,028
I smashed
on your mouth yesterday.
397
00:15:21,063 --> 00:15:22,563
Brian?
398
00:15:22,597 --> 00:15:24,365
Oh, hey.
399
00:15:24,399 --> 00:15:25,800
What the hell are you doing?
400
00:15:25,834 --> 00:15:28,269
Oh, I've been kind of using
Rupert as a chew toy.
401
00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:29,704
Chewing him
with your crotch?
402
00:15:29,738 --> 00:15:31,405
Hey, dogs like humping
stuffed animals.
403
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:32,506
What can I say?
404
00:15:32,541 --> 00:15:34,075
Besides, you said
I could have Rupert.
405
00:15:34,109 --> 00:15:35,743
I thought you liked
Oscar better anyway.
406
00:15:35,777 --> 00:15:37,244
Well, I just changed my mind.
407
00:15:37,279 --> 00:15:39,814
And you know Rupert's a dude,
right, you gaylord?
408
00:15:42,784 --> 00:15:45,086
Okay, you guys, where should
we start looking for Glenn?
409
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:46,988
Well, sometimes Quagmire
likes to hang out
410
00:15:47,022 --> 00:15:48,789
under all the clutter
in my garage.
411
00:15:48,824 --> 00:15:50,992
So, why don't we
just start sorting stuff
412
00:15:51,026 --> 00:15:52,526
and throwing stuff away
413
00:15:52,561 --> 00:15:53,828
but obviously checking
with me first
414
00:15:53,862 --> 00:15:55,062
before you throw stuff away.
415
00:15:55,097 --> 00:15:56,430
No problem, Peter.
416
00:15:56,465 --> 00:15:58,799
Quagmire, if you're in
there, hang tight, buddy.
417
00:15:58,834 --> 00:16:00,034
We're coming.
418
00:16:00,068 --> 00:16:01,802
Right, and if we can't
find him in here,
419
00:16:01,837 --> 00:16:03,170
he sometimes likes to hang out
420
00:16:03,205 --> 00:16:05,039
in between the blades
of grass in my lawn.
421
00:16:05,073 --> 00:16:07,541
And also, in the firewood
that needs to be split.
422
00:16:07,576 --> 00:16:09,543
Might he be under the leaves
in your gutter?
423
00:16:09,578 --> 00:16:10,911
Great question,
and yes, he might.
424
00:16:10,946 --> 00:16:12,780
So, while you guys
are taking care of that,
425
00:16:12,814 --> 00:16:14,682
I'll be around back
flicking pinecones
426
00:16:14,716 --> 00:16:16,550
at a tree
with this hockey stick.
427
00:16:21,256 --> 00:16:23,124
Aloha.
Welcome to Ryan's Hawaiians.
428
00:16:23,158 --> 00:16:24,525
Hey, how you doing?
429
00:16:24,559 --> 00:16:25,593
Amazing.
430
00:16:25,627 --> 00:16:26,994
Have you seen this man?
431
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:28,329
Glenn Quagmire?
432
00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:30,831
Nah, the last time I saw him
was three months ago.
433
00:16:30,866 --> 00:16:32,700
Sold him 70 red shirts.
434
00:16:32,734 --> 00:16:34,602
Yeah, he does look
good in that shirt.
435
00:16:34,636 --> 00:16:36,737
Uh, everyone looks good
in my shirts.
436
00:16:36,772 --> 00:16:38,139
How about you, Big Island?
437
00:16:38,173 --> 00:16:39,507
Uh, I don't know.
438
00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:41,175
Do you want to be
an oldies' DJ
439
00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:42,877
or a 1980's wrestling manager?
440
00:16:42,911 --> 00:16:44,412
Yes, both.
441
00:16:44,446 --> 00:16:46,781
This is beautiful.
442
00:16:46,815 --> 00:16:48,449
Heart disease looks better
443
00:16:48,483 --> 00:16:50,918
when it's wrapped in a
tropical, floral pattern.
444
00:16:54,122 --> 00:16:55,790
Oh, my God, this is hopeless.
445
00:16:55,824 --> 00:16:57,658
We've been searching for hours.
446
00:16:57,692 --> 00:16:59,260
Glenn could be dead by now.
447
00:16:59,294 --> 00:17:01,128
I know, and if you guys
are really hungry,
448
00:17:01,163 --> 00:17:02,263
I suppose I could eat.
449
00:17:02,297 --> 00:17:03,497
Come on, we can't give up.
450
00:17:03,532 --> 00:17:05,299
Someone's got to
have seen Quagmire.
451
00:17:05,333 --> 00:17:06,901
Or if not him,
at least Sonja.
452
00:17:06,935 --> 00:17:08,903
Excuse me, did you
just say "Sonja"?
453
00:17:08,937 --> 00:17:10,037
Yes! I did!
454
00:17:10,072 --> 00:17:11,372
That was my dog's name.
455
00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:13,674
Excuse me,
did he just say "Sonja"?
456
00:17:13,708 --> 00:17:14,942
Yeah, it was his dog's name.
457
00:17:14,976 --> 00:17:16,944
Oh, I thought
he might have been talking
458
00:17:16,978 --> 00:17:19,018
about this super kinky woman
who's always down here,
459
00:17:19,047 --> 00:17:21,048
trying to lure men
to her sex slave shed.
460
00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:22,950
No, I think he was talking
about his dog.
461
00:17:22,984 --> 00:17:25,219
No, Peter, that's the
Sonja we're looking for.
462
00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:27,221
Sonja must have
taken Glenn there.
463
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:28,889
Where exactly is
this sex slave shed?
464
00:17:28,924 --> 00:17:30,091
I'm not sure,
465
00:17:30,125 --> 00:17:32,226
but I've heard she has a unit
at Quahog Storage.
466
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,462
Apparently that chick's
a complete psycho.
467
00:17:34,496 --> 00:17:35,729
We got to get over there!
468
00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:37,498
Come on, you guys, let's go!
469
00:17:37,532 --> 00:17:40,000
Oh, man, I hope we don't catch
them doing something freaky.
470
00:17:40,035 --> 00:17:41,869
I'm still weirded out
from when I walked in
471
00:17:41,903 --> 00:17:43,571
on that masturbating Eskimo.
472
00:17:43,605 --> 00:17:45,840
Dinner time, Tikaloo.
473
00:17:45,874 --> 00:17:47,141
Oh, my God!
474
00:17:47,175 --> 00:17:48,876
Doesn't anybody knock?
475
00:17:51,947 --> 00:17:55,015
Hey, Stewie, look, I want
to apologize about earlier.
476
00:17:55,050 --> 00:17:56,684
What the hell is this?
477
00:17:56,718 --> 00:17:59,487
Brian, I think it's time
that Rupert made his choice.
478
00:17:59,521 --> 00:18:00,721
What are you talking about?
479
00:18:00,755 --> 00:18:02,123
Talking about love, Bri.
480
00:18:02,157 --> 00:18:03,691
Talking about adult decisions.
481
00:18:03,725 --> 00:18:05,826
Rupert's been with me,
and now he's been with you.
482
00:18:05,861 --> 00:18:07,495
It's time for him to pick.
483
00:18:07,529 --> 00:18:09,563
Stewie, this is stupid;
I'm not doing this.
484
00:18:09,598 --> 00:18:13,100
Brian, either you cooperate or I
blow my Adam Levine dog whistle.
485
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:15,002
Hey, my voice isn't that high.
486
00:18:15,036 --> 00:18:16,103
It is.
487
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:17,471
It is though.
488
00:18:17,506 --> 00:18:18,639
All right, Rupert.
489
00:18:18,673 --> 00:18:19,707
Who will it be?
490
00:18:19,741 --> 00:18:20,808
And before you answer,
491
00:18:20,842 --> 00:18:22,877
think of all the
good times we've had.
492
00:18:22,911 --> 00:18:25,246
The time we met The Beatles
on The Ed Sullivan Show,
493
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:27,915
that winter we lived
on the sun,
494
00:18:27,949 --> 00:18:29,283
and here's my favorite.
495
00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:32,119
A blank one we can fill up
496
00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:34,488
with a future together.
497
00:18:40,362 --> 00:18:41,595
Yes!
498
00:18:41,630 --> 00:18:44,031
Oh, my God, Rupert, I'm
so sorry for everything!
499
00:18:44,065 --> 00:18:45,399
I missed you, too!
500
00:18:45,433 --> 00:18:46,767
Whatever.
501
00:18:46,801 --> 00:18:48,802
Hey, you done
with that weird octopus doll?
502
00:18:50,305 --> 00:18:52,606
It's you and me forever, Rupert.
503
00:18:52,641 --> 00:18:55,409
I just hope Oscar
didn't take it too hard.
504
00:19:04,486 --> 00:19:06,153
This is it, number 92.
505
00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:07,755
This is Sonja's storage unit.
506
00:19:07,789 --> 00:19:09,924
Quagmire, are you in there?
507
00:19:11,860 --> 00:19:13,194
Oh, he's eating.
508
00:19:13,228 --> 00:19:15,529
We'll come back
when you're done eating.
509
00:19:22,003 --> 00:19:23,037
Glenn!
510
00:19:23,071 --> 00:19:24,271
Hurry, she'll be back soon.
511
00:19:24,306 --> 00:19:26,373
I can't believe the
guy with the ponytail
512
00:19:26,408 --> 00:19:28,008
and the facial tattoo
at the front desk
513
00:19:28,043 --> 00:19:29,243
would let this happen.
514
00:19:29,277 --> 00:19:30,945
Well, what's this?
515
00:19:30,979 --> 00:19:32,680
We got company?
516
00:19:32,714 --> 00:19:34,048
Hold it right there.
517
00:19:34,082 --> 00:19:35,182
Please.
518
00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:37,051
Do you think I'm afraid of you?
519
00:19:37,085 --> 00:19:38,419
Boy, if you were
ever gonna stand,
520
00:19:38,453 --> 00:19:40,487
this would be
the time, Joe.
521
00:19:40,522 --> 00:19:42,022
Everybody, just shut up!
522
00:19:42,057 --> 00:19:45,025
You idiots should've
minded your own business.
523
00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:46,160
This is our business.
524
00:19:46,194 --> 00:19:47,628
You kidnapped our friend.
525
00:19:47,662 --> 00:19:49,163
You're going to jail.
526
00:19:49,197 --> 00:19:51,065
Don't come any closer
or I'll shoot you.
527
00:19:51,099 --> 00:19:53,033
Oh, I don't think
you're gonna shoot me.
528
00:19:53,068 --> 00:19:54,468
You don't got the boobs.
529
00:19:54,502 --> 00:19:55,569
What?
530
00:19:55,604 --> 00:19:56,670
I-I don't know.
531
00:19:56,705 --> 00:19:58,739
Now, just hand me
the gun, Sonja.
532
00:19:58,773 --> 00:20:00,941
Oh, I swear to God,
you get one inch closer to me,
533
00:20:00,976 --> 00:20:02,076
and I'm gonna shoot you.
534
00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,182
What the hell?
535
00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:11,318
Like I said, you're
going to jail.
536
00:20:11,353 --> 00:20:13,087
Oh, my God, Joe,
that was so close.
537
00:20:13,121 --> 00:20:14,622
How'd you know the
gun would jam?
538
00:20:14,656 --> 00:20:16,023
It didn't jam, Peter.
539
00:20:16,057 --> 00:20:17,258
The gun was never loaded.
540
00:20:17,292 --> 00:20:19,560
Sort of had
a mental breakdown in April.
541
00:20:19,594 --> 00:20:21,695
No more bullets for this guy.
542
00:20:21,730 --> 00:20:23,831
Oh, Glenn, I was so
worried about you.
543
00:20:23,865 --> 00:20:25,866
Are you all right?
No, no,
544
00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:28,202
I'm pretty far
from all right.
545
00:20:28,236 --> 00:20:30,537
Well, I guess this is
as good a time as any.
546
00:20:30,572 --> 00:20:32,473
Happy birthday, Joe.
547
00:20:32,507 --> 00:20:33,907
You dick!
548
00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:38,846
Thanks for your help, guys.
549
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:40,560
I might not be alive
if it weren't for you.
550
00:20:40,582 --> 00:20:42,049
Hey, no problem, buddy.
551
00:20:42,083 --> 00:20:44,218
Yeah, you'd have done the
same for us, Quagmire.
552
00:20:44,252 --> 00:20:45,919
You know, I guess
what I realized from all this
553
00:20:45,954 --> 00:20:47,716
is that when it comes
to relationships,
554
00:20:47,717 --> 00:20:49,018
I need to be the kinky one.
555
00:20:49,052 --> 00:20:51,384
Ah, we're just glad
to have you back, Quagmire.
556
00:20:51,616 --> 00:20:54,240
Yep, and it's good to put
all those troubles behind us.
557
00:20:55,816 --> 00:20:57,490
My dad told me
he's pregnant.
558
00:20:57,491 --> 00:21:02,491
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man