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00:00:00,680 --> 00:00:03,982
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,005 --> 00:00:07,441
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:10,811
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,845 --> 00:00:14,014
♪ On which we used to rely?
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00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:17,451
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:20,754
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:23,725 --> 00:00:25,862
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:25,863 --> 00:00:29,863
♪ Family Guy 12x14 ♪
Fresh Heir
Original Air Date on March 23, 2014
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00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:34,864
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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The Travel Channel presents,
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00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:38,572
"Backpacking Through Europe
with a Bowlegged Man
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00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:40,073
in Short Shorts."
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00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:43,544
Hello. Come, let's see some
beautiful sites together.
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00:00:43,578 --> 00:00:46,046
Hello, Tree.
Thank you for shade.
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00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:47,514
Hello, Mountain Cat.
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00:00:47,549 --> 00:00:50,217
Thank you for controlling
local rat population.
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00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,552
Hello, Windmill.
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00:00:51,586 --> 00:00:54,254
Thank you for the cheese ride
and ball cooling.
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Next week, bullet trains.
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00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:59,026
Hello...!
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00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:01,161
Hey, Dad. Are you busy?
24
00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:04,031
I was thinking we could
spend some time together.
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00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:05,699
Okay, are you a
television set,
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00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:06,733
or the Internet?
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00:01:06,768 --> 00:01:07,668
No.
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00:01:07,702 --> 00:01:09,102
Oh, then no.
No, thank you.
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00:01:09,137 --> 00:01:10,370
Are you sure?
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00:01:10,405 --> 00:01:12,172
Cause there's a
three-day weekend coming up
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00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:14,508
and I thought maybe you and I
can finally go fishing
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00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:16,009
like we've been
talking about.
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00:01:16,044 --> 00:01:19,346
Aw, sorry, Chris, I can't.
I got insanity practice.
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00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:23,050
Pinwheels! Pinwheels in my head!
35
00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:24,751
Voices! Angry fish!
36
00:01:24,786 --> 00:01:26,453
How's he doing?
Not good.
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00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:29,156
He still thinks this is
"practice" of some sort.
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00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:32,125
But you promised
we'd go fishing.
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00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:35,295
Aw, Chris, I was just
lying to you so you'd go away.
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00:01:35,330 --> 00:01:38,498
But, if you leave me alone now,
I'll give you a billion dollars.
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00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:40,601
You've got a deal!
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00:01:40,635 --> 00:01:42,035
Peter, you know,
i-it might help Chris
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00:01:42,070 --> 00:01:43,871
to be able to spend
some time with his father.
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00:01:43,905 --> 00:01:45,439
Well, what's in it
for ol' Pete?
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00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:46,607
He's your son.
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00:01:46,641 --> 00:01:48,208
Don't you want someone
to bond with.
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00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:50,978
No. I only form
unspoken bonds.
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00:01:55,483 --> 00:01:59,086
♪ Hit me with your best shot
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00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,821
♪ Why don't you hit me
with your best shot? ♪
50
00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:05,225
♪ Hit me with your best shot
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00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:09,062
♪ Fire away...
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00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:12,833
♪ You come on
with a "come on"... ♪
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O-Okay.
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00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:19,640
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
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You guys, that was my mom.
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00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:22,676
She said that
Daddy broke his leg.
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How?!
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00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,380
A-Apparently, he got hurt
at the mall.
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00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:28,849
Carter, please stop
doing that.
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00:02:28,883 --> 00:02:30,784
We need to get you
some new corduroys.
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00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:33,320
No! None of the other boys
are wearing corduroys!
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I want dungarees!
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00:02:34,689 --> 00:02:36,523
You're going to
get hurt doing that.
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No I'm not!
I'm the champ at doing this!
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Ow! You jinxed me!
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00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:42,429
Aw, damn it!
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00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:43,764
Hey, call that beeping cart
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00:02:43,798 --> 00:02:45,966
that carries around
the fat black people.
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00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,268
Well, I guess Babs has
her work cut out for her.
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00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:51,138
Actually, Mom can't take care
of him, she's out of town
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00:02:51,172 --> 00:02:54,574
doing a photo shoot for the
cover of Veins Magazine.
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00:02:57,078 --> 00:02:59,246
So, are you gonna go
take care of him, Mom?
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00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:02,282
I can't go. I've got to go get
my hair very minutely changed
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00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:05,686
and then spend the next 14 hours
trying to get people to notice.
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00:03:07,989 --> 00:03:09,122
Well...?
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00:03:09,157 --> 00:03:11,024
Lois, move.
You're blocking the TV.
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00:03:11,059 --> 00:03:13,160
What do you think?
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00:03:13,194 --> 00:03:14,795
I think you're
blocking the TV.
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00:03:14,829 --> 00:03:17,531
Peter, i-is there anything
you want to say to me?
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00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:20,867
All right.
Amy at work kissed me.
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00:03:20,902 --> 00:03:23,036
It is true
that I did not step away,
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00:03:23,071 --> 00:03:24,337
but I did not lean in.
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00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:25,839
However, in my defense,
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00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:28,308
she had recently gotten
her hair done differently.
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00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:31,211
I was actually thinking that
maybe you could go help Daddy.
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00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:32,579
Well, not me, Mom.
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00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:33,980
Last time I was
at Grandpa's,
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I beat him at checkers and he
punched one of my hogans.
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00:03:36,551 --> 00:03:37,651
Well, what about Chris?
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00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:39,519
Wai-Wait, where is Chris?
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00:03:39,554 --> 00:03:40,887
He's upstairs
in his room.
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00:03:40,922 --> 00:03:42,689
That's odd.
He never misses a meal.
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00:03:42,724 --> 00:03:44,224
I-I better go check on him.
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00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:45,425
Yeah, good idea.
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00:03:45,460 --> 00:03:48,095
I better check on my
hairless twin in the storm shed.
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00:03:50,198 --> 00:03:52,799
Close the door,
the moonlight burns!
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00:03:52,834 --> 00:03:55,202
It's almost Christmas.
It's almost Christmas.
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00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:56,536
Christmas?!
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00:03:56,571 --> 00:03:57,938
Yes. Keep being good
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00:03:57,972 --> 00:04:00,941
and all the eggshells and
coffee grounds will be yours.
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00:04:00,975 --> 00:04:02,776
Can I meet the family?
102
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:04,778
You've overstepped!
No Christmas!
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00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:10,383
Hey, Chris. Are you okay?
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00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:12,819
Holy crap, it smells
like farts in here.
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00:04:12,854 --> 00:04:14,554
Those are my farts.
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00:04:14,589 --> 00:04:17,224
Why doesn't Dad ever
want to spend time with me?
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00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:18,725
Chris, come here.
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00:04:19,761 --> 00:04:20,794
Sit down.
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00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:22,829
You know I love you,
right, sweetie?
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00:04:22,864 --> 00:04:25,265
Mom... not in front
of my posters.
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00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:27,234
And your father
loves you, too.
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00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:30,103
He just has trouble
expressing his emotions.
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00:04:30,138 --> 00:04:32,038
I love Mike & Molly!
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00:04:32,073 --> 00:04:34,608
I love Mike
and I also love Molly!
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00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:36,810
And I don't care
who knows it!
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00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:39,112
You know, Chris,
you've got a grandpa
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00:04:39,147 --> 00:04:40,781
who could use
your help right now.
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00:04:40,815 --> 00:04:43,450
I'm sure he'd enjoy
spending time with you.
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00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:45,585
Okay... I'll give
it a shot.
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00:04:48,189 --> 00:04:49,750
You're not gonna
kill yourself, are you?
121
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:52,259
That would be a severe black
mark on my record as a mom.
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00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:55,762
Oh, I'd have to make up stories
of a severe mental illness.
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00:04:55,797 --> 00:04:58,465
Make is seem a miracle
you made it this long.
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00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,801
I could do that.
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00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,406
Sucks about your leg, Grandpa.
126
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:07,841
How you been doin'?
127
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:09,676
Well, let me tell you,
this is awful.
128
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:10,977
I-I'm so bored.
129
00:05:11,012 --> 00:05:13,180
I can't sleep,
I-I just have to lie here
130
00:05:13,214 --> 00:05:15,048
and wait for my
stupid leg to heal.
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00:05:15,082 --> 00:05:16,950
Oh, I'm really
sorry, Grandpa.
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00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:19,219
And the worst part about it,
is I can't have sex.
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00:05:19,253 --> 00:05:22,055
God! I wish there was a way
I could just do it myself.
134
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:24,991
You know, just-just to be done
and napping within four minutes.
135
00:05:25,026 --> 00:05:28,228
Let me show you something.
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That... was... amazing!
137
00:05:31,966 --> 00:05:34,234
And Lynda Carter
wasn't actually here?
138
00:05:34,268 --> 00:05:36,236
No! That was just
in your mind.
139
00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:37,404
Incredible!
140
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:38,538
So-So you can do that like,
141
00:05:38,573 --> 00:05:40,073
wh-what, once a year
or something?
142
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:41,641
No. You can do it basically
143
00:05:41,676 --> 00:05:43,310
whenever you're not
doing something else.
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00:05:43,344 --> 00:05:44,644
Cool!
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00:05:44,679 --> 00:05:46,847
Hey, next time I want to
try it with my hand.
146
00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:51,484
Hey, Grandpa.
What should we do now?
147
00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:52,886
You wanna order a pizza?
148
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,354
Well, that doesn't sound
very exciting.
149
00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:57,557
But now you can
follow your order online!
150
00:05:58,793 --> 00:05:59,659
There it is.
It's on Van Buren!
151
00:05:59,694 --> 00:06:00,994
Oh. Oh. He's almost here!
152
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:03,964
Wow, he's really fast.
Hey, I got an idea,
153
00:06:03,998 --> 00:06:06,299
let's put in two different
orders and have 'em race!
154
00:06:06,334 --> 00:06:08,535
You think it'll
crash the system?
155
00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:10,437
Only one way to find out.
156
00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:13,607
Here's your pizza.
That's $16.50.
157
00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:15,242
We were playing
a game with you.
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00:06:15,276 --> 00:06:17,077
That's what you are.
You're a clown.
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00:06:17,111 --> 00:06:18,545
Are you gonna
pay for the pizza?
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00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:21,014
Yes. Your money is in
this pile of mashed potatoes.
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00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,783
Eat your way out. No hands.
162
00:06:25,653 --> 00:06:28,421
This is fun, Chris.
I like hanging out with you.
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00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:30,290
Don't look up.
You're not a part of this.
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00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:36,429
It's sounding really
good, Grandpa.
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00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:37,898
I know, I know.
166
00:06:37,932 --> 00:06:38,932
Sorry I'm late.
167
00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:40,901
Look, Jason, are you
taking this seriously?
168
00:06:40,935 --> 00:06:42,669
Because Chris and I
take this seriously.
169
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:44,905
You know, if you're not
gonna show up to rehearsal,
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00:06:44,939 --> 00:06:46,740
we'll find someone else
who will, all right?
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00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:49,376
We want to get some paying gigs!
Sorry. Geez.
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00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:52,946
Remember, this is about writing music
that means something to us!
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00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:55,882
Okay, from the top.
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00:06:55,917 --> 00:06:57,817
♪ Halls Mentho-lyptus
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00:06:57,852 --> 00:07:00,086
♪ You can feel it
in your nose ♪
176
00:07:00,121 --> 00:07:02,856
♪ That's how you know
it's a medicated cough drop ♪
177
00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:04,791
♪ And not just a candy.
178
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:07,093
Hey, can we play
one of my songs?
179
00:07:07,128 --> 00:07:10,096
No! No one wants to hear
your stupid songs about nothing!
180
00:07:10,131 --> 00:07:14,200
Now, let's play "I Fell in the Shower,
So Maybe We Do Need That Bar."
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Five, six,
seven, eight!
182
00:07:18,973 --> 00:07:20,974
Listen, Chris, I really
want to thank you
183
00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:23,843
for coming to take care of me
and helping me get well again.
184
00:07:23,878 --> 00:07:26,112
Oh, it was no big deal.
Well, it is to me,
185
00:07:26,147 --> 00:07:28,581
and I want to give you some
money for all your time.
186
00:07:28,616 --> 00:07:30,283
Come on, y-you don't
have to do that.
187
00:07:30,318 --> 00:07:33,420
I just like getting to spend time
with my grandpa, you know?
188
00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:35,689
I... Wait, wait, what?
189
00:07:35,723 --> 00:07:37,691
You're... you're not
gonna take the money?
190
00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:39,592
No, I don't want
your money.
191
00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:41,528
I had fun
hanging out with you.
192
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,430
Well, all right, then.
193
00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:45,231
Hey, Grandpa,
check it out.
194
00:07:45,266 --> 00:07:46,833
When I make
my elbow like this,
195
00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:49,135
it looks like
women's private parts!
196
00:07:49,170 --> 00:07:52,138
Oh, Chris! You just
have a way of looking at things
197
00:07:52,173 --> 00:07:54,074
that's delightfully fresh!
198
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,413
We're not supposed
to be doing this.
199
00:08:00,448 --> 00:08:02,716
I bet we're not supposed
to be doing this.
200
00:08:03,985 --> 00:08:05,952
Daddy!
You're all better!
201
00:08:05,987 --> 00:08:06,837
That's right, pumpkin.
202
00:08:06,862 --> 00:08:08,755
And I have an important
announcement to make.
203
00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:11,324
I have decided
to change my will,
204
00:08:11,359 --> 00:08:13,293
and name
my grandson Chris
205
00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:15,762
the sole heir
to the Pewterschmidt fortune.
206
00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:17,364
You what?
What? Oh, my!
207
00:08:18,766 --> 00:08:21,901
Oh, no!
My hairless twin got out!
208
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:27,307
Hello, family.
209
00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:30,276
Let's eat all
the garbage we want.
210
00:08:34,531 --> 00:08:37,800
Daddy, you're seriously leaving
your entire estate to Chris?
211
00:08:37,835 --> 00:08:39,836
I-I mean,
what about Mom?
212
00:08:39,870 --> 00:08:42,605
I promise she'll be dead
before I am. I promise.
213
00:08:42,639 --> 00:08:44,741
But, Grandpa, I don't
even want the money.
214
00:08:44,775 --> 00:08:47,210
See? This is exactly
why you should get it!
215
00:08:47,244 --> 00:08:48,377
So refreshing!
216
00:08:48,412 --> 00:08:50,113
Well, I-I don't
want it, either.
217
00:08:50,147 --> 00:08:51,681
Good, 'cause
you're not getting it.
218
00:08:51,715 --> 00:08:53,182
Come on, what
are you doing?
219
00:08:53,217 --> 00:08:55,384
Listen, Carter, you take
me out of your will,
220
00:08:55,419 --> 00:08:57,453
I'm taking you
out of mine.
221
00:08:57,488 --> 00:09:00,423
Peter, that wasn't your will,
that was your birth certificate.
222
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:01,524
Oh, no!
223
00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,093
There's no light!
224
00:09:04,128 --> 00:09:05,928
There's only fire!
225
00:09:05,963 --> 00:09:08,664
Look, Carter, I suppose you're
entitled to do what you want,
226
00:09:08,699 --> 00:09:11,134
but, you know, I'm just
saying, if it were me,
227
00:09:11,168 --> 00:09:13,236
I would give all the
money to charity.
228
00:09:13,270 --> 00:09:14,437
Oh, yeah?
Which charity?
229
00:09:14,471 --> 00:09:15,905
Well, there are
just so many
230
00:09:15,939 --> 00:09:17,640
that do such
great work.
231
00:09:17,674 --> 00:09:18,875
Name just one.
232
00:09:18,909 --> 00:09:20,710
Um... well,
you know...
233
00:09:20,744 --> 00:09:23,379
Poor... Green...
234
00:09:23,413 --> 00:09:25,114
Whale... Guns...
235
00:09:25,149 --> 00:09:26,349
Books?
236
00:09:26,383 --> 00:09:28,484
You are
such a fraud.
237
00:09:28,486 --> 00:09:31,687
Why won't anyone help us?!
238
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,194
What the hell?
I can't believe your dad's
239
00:09:38,228 --> 00:09:39,729
giving all his cash
to Chris!
240
00:09:39,763 --> 00:09:42,431
I know it's strange,
but in the end it's his money,
241
00:09:42,466 --> 00:09:44,033
so who really cares?
242
00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:45,601
Well, yeah, but...
243
00:09:45,636 --> 00:09:47,170
But what?
244
00:09:47,204 --> 00:09:50,206
Peter... did you marry
me for my money?
245
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,608
Of course not, Lois,
but even you can't deny
246
00:09:52,643 --> 00:09:54,811
it was always gonna
be a huge perk.
247
00:09:54,845 --> 00:09:57,780
D-Did I use that right? Perk?
Yes, Peter.
248
00:09:57,815 --> 00:09:59,813
Yeah, I thought so,
but then it just sounded
249
00:09:59,838 --> 00:10:01,217
kind of weird when I said it.
250
00:10:01,218 --> 00:10:02,485
It was fine.
Thanks.
251
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:05,388
Anyway, I don't plan on losing out
on any of that money.
252
00:10:05,422 --> 00:10:08,658
So if you ask me, we got to start
sucking up to Chris right away.
253
00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:10,593
What? Wh-What are
you talking about?
254
00:10:10,627 --> 00:10:12,461
I'm talking about
brownnosing Chris
255
00:10:12,496 --> 00:10:14,463
and getting on
his good side perk.
256
00:10:14,498 --> 00:10:16,265
No, that's wrong.
No "perk."
257
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:19,235
Okay, my bad. But I've been
counting on that money, Lois.
258
00:10:19,269 --> 00:10:21,637
It's always been critical
to my master plan.
259
00:10:21,672 --> 00:10:23,105
What master plan?
260
00:10:23,140 --> 00:10:25,341
Look, I never
told you this, but...
261
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:28,511
for years now, I've been
planning on retiring at 45
262
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:32,181
so I can work on finding a cure for
Ballzheimers disease.
263
00:10:33,217 --> 00:10:34,717
Peter, are
those testicles?
264
00:10:34,751 --> 00:10:36,319
Wh-where did
you get those?
265
00:10:36,353 --> 00:10:38,788
I don't remember!
266
00:10:42,326 --> 00:10:44,861
Hey, hey, there he is!
267
00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:47,763
Oh, boy, hot dogs and
Nintendo, huh, Chris?
268
00:10:47,798 --> 00:10:49,966
Dad, what are you doing?
What's going on?
269
00:10:51,168 --> 00:10:52,301
Good one, Chris!
270
00:10:53,337 --> 00:10:55,137
Good one!
Why are you dressed like that?
271
00:10:55,172 --> 00:10:56,839
I don't know. I-I
just kind of felt
272
00:10:56,874 --> 00:10:58,341
like this is what
cool people wear.
273
00:10:58,375 --> 00:11:00,877
Hey, hey, Chris, how about you
and me do a secret handshake
274
00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:02,979
that has way too many steps
to remember, all right?
275
00:11:03,013 --> 00:11:05,781
Okay. Shake, bump, bump,
slap, pinky hook,
276
00:11:05,816 --> 00:11:08,417
pretend to slick your hair back,
represent, bump,
277
00:11:08,452 --> 00:11:10,319
one spin, slap high, slap low,
278
00:11:10,354 --> 00:11:12,922
reverse spin, bump, explode,
shake, belly rub,
279
00:11:12,956 --> 00:11:15,391
fake yawn, finger gun,
hitchhiker, hitchhiker,
280
00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:17,693
shimmy shimmy sham sham,
shake, shake, shake, bump,
281
00:11:17,728 --> 00:11:19,295
something smells
and shake again.
282
00:11:19,329 --> 00:11:21,631
Okay, ready?
283
00:11:22,666 --> 00:11:24,634
Oh, my God, it's nighttime.
284
00:11:27,137 --> 00:11:30,506
MAN (on TV): We now return to the director's
cut of Mission: Impossible 5,
285
00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:33,075
with the step stools
not edited out.
286
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,611
You're coming with me because
I'm definitely over six feet,
287
00:11:35,646 --> 00:11:37,113
and you're not handsome.
288
00:11:37,147 --> 00:11:38,848
Hey, Chris, hey,
you remember that kid
289
00:11:38,882 --> 00:11:40,516
you said was bullying
you at school?
290
00:11:40,550 --> 00:11:41,651
Well, here's his head!
291
00:11:42,819 --> 00:11:44,153
That's not even him!
292
00:11:44,187 --> 00:11:45,688
That's the deaf kid!
293
00:11:45,722 --> 00:11:47,623
Oh, that was
sign language.
294
00:11:47,658 --> 00:11:49,625
I thought he was
trying to defend himself
295
00:11:49,660 --> 00:11:51,360
with terrible karate.
296
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:57,566
Chris, I want to share with you
a timeworn father/son tradition.
297
00:11:57,601 --> 00:11:59,468
I am gonna show you
a film comedy
298
00:11:59,503 --> 00:12:01,704
from my youth
that won't hold up.
299
00:12:01,738 --> 00:12:04,240
Welcome to the classic comedy,
Meatballs.
300
00:12:04,274 --> 00:12:05,641
Oh, that sounds great.
301
00:12:05,676 --> 00:12:07,677
Is it about a pasta
factory or something?
302
00:12:07,711 --> 00:12:09,078
No, that's part of the joke.
303
00:12:09,112 --> 00:12:10,446
Who's the guy?
304
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,415
That's not a guy.
That's the hot chick!
305
00:12:12,449 --> 00:12:13,749
Where are her boobs?
306
00:12:13,784 --> 00:12:15,651
Flat with a decent face
was the best
307
00:12:15,686 --> 00:12:16,852
we could hope for back then.
308
00:12:16,887 --> 00:12:19,088
Miley Cyrus had sex
with a foam finger
309
00:12:19,122 --> 00:12:21,223
at, like, 6:00 p.m.
Central Time.
310
00:12:21,258 --> 00:12:23,426
This movie has a canoe
that slowly sinks.
311
00:12:23,460 --> 00:12:25,294
All right, you know what?
Forget it!
312
00:12:25,329 --> 00:12:28,130
I'm just gonna take my VCR,
my VCR head-cleaning tape,
313
00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:31,033
my VCR head-cleaning spray,
my head-cleaning rag,
314
00:12:31,068 --> 00:12:33,970
and my rewinder, and just
get the hell out of here.
315
00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:40,409
We now return to At the Movies
316
00:12:40,444 --> 00:12:43,112
With Two Guys Who Watch
the Films On Their iPhones.
317
00:12:43,146 --> 00:12:44,580
Good evening.
First off, we're going
318
00:12:44,614 --> 00:12:46,334
to review Paul Greengrass'
Captain Phillips.
319
00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:47,917
What did you think, Bill?
320
00:12:47,951 --> 00:12:49,418
Well, it got off
to a great start,
321
00:12:49,453 --> 00:12:51,821
but when it was my turn
to play Words With Friends,
322
00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:53,155
it really took
me out of it.
323
00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:54,757
Well, that's a shame,
because visually...
324
00:12:54,791 --> 00:12:56,892
Ooh!
325
00:12:56,927 --> 00:13:00,763
When we come back, the guys
will review American Hustle.
326
00:13:00,797 --> 00:13:02,231
Hmm?
327
00:13:02,265 --> 00:13:03,933
Hey, you guys.
328
00:13:03,967 --> 00:13:05,401
Geez, Peter,
you look exhausted.
329
00:13:05,435 --> 00:13:07,603
Ugh, I am. I've
been busting my ass
330
00:13:07,637 --> 00:13:09,939
for the last week trying
to suck up to Chris.
331
00:13:09,973 --> 00:13:11,607
To Chris?
What the hell for?
332
00:13:11,641 --> 00:13:12,875
Well, Carter
kind of decided
333
00:13:12,909 --> 00:13:14,744
he's gonna leave all
his money to Chris.
334
00:13:14,778 --> 00:13:16,912
So, I've been trying to
get on his good side.
335
00:13:16,947 --> 00:13:18,848
I even cleaned his room
for him the other day.
336
00:13:18,882 --> 00:13:20,549
Wish I hadn't done that.
337
00:13:21,585 --> 00:13:23,986
Chris, our
bath is ready.
338
00:13:24,021 --> 00:13:25,821
I... uh...
339
00:13:25,856 --> 00:13:27,923
I don't... I don't know
what to do now.
340
00:13:27,958 --> 00:13:30,159
I... I don't have
the parenting skills necessary
341
00:13:30,193 --> 00:13:31,360
to deal with this.
342
00:13:31,395 --> 00:13:33,295
I say we never
speak of this again.
343
00:13:33,330 --> 00:13:35,531
I... I might move.
344
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,566
You know what?
I say, good for Chris
345
00:13:37,601 --> 00:13:39,969
and whatever lucky girl
he ends up marrying.
346
00:13:40,003 --> 00:13:42,405
Yeah, or lucky guy,
if he ends up being gay.
347
00:13:42,439 --> 00:13:43,973
Lucky guy?
348
00:13:44,007 --> 00:13:45,541
Wait a minute.
349
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,676
You guys just gave me an idea!
350
00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:52,648
What's he doing up there?
He's a cat!
351
00:13:52,682 --> 00:13:55,651
He can't play no tuba!
352
00:13:55,685 --> 00:13:57,019
No, wait!
353
00:13:57,054 --> 00:13:59,288
Actually, you guys
gave me two ideas!
354
00:14:00,724 --> 00:14:04,794
Mumbling while I sleep
to indicate dream content.
355
00:14:04,828 --> 00:14:06,262
Chris, Chris, wake up.
356
00:14:06,296 --> 00:14:08,397
I have something very
important to ask you.
357
00:14:08,432 --> 00:14:11,634
Chris, there comes a time when
every man looks at his son
358
00:14:11,668 --> 00:14:15,671
and thinks, "I want to take
this to the next level."
359
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:21,277
Chris Griffin...
will you marry me?
360
00:14:21,311 --> 00:14:24,647
What?! Is it even legal
for a man to marry his son?
361
00:14:24,681 --> 00:14:26,082
It is in Vermont.
362
00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:28,184
As long as it's a man and a
man, anything goes up there.
363
00:14:28,218 --> 00:14:30,086
They're a bunch of
liberal degenerates.
364
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,021
I don't know.
It seems really weird.
365
00:14:32,055 --> 00:14:34,256
I mean, aren't men
supposed to marry women?
366
00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:36,926
No, no, no, that's just
all of human history
367
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,561
except for the
last five months.
368
00:14:38,595 --> 00:14:40,162
We'll just be
like best pals.
369
00:14:40,197 --> 00:14:41,764
And besides, there's
plenty of people
370
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,466
who are married
and don't have sex.
371
00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:45,067
Like Will Smith
and that pit bull.
372
00:14:45,102 --> 00:14:47,002
Why do you even
want to marry me?
373
00:14:47,037 --> 00:14:49,371
It's time to settle down
and simplify things,
374
00:14:49,406 --> 00:14:52,174
like maybe having one ATM
card and one bank account.
375
00:14:52,209 --> 00:14:53,642
Say, yours.
376
00:14:53,677 --> 00:14:56,645
Oh. I get it.
377
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:58,280
So, what do you say?
378
00:14:59,549 --> 00:15:02,418
When you're married, you get
to spend all your time together,
379
00:15:02,452 --> 00:15:05,287
doing things like playing catch
and going fishing, right?
380
00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:07,323
Well, the best marriages
give each other space,
381
00:15:07,357 --> 00:15:08,557
but, yes, Chris.
382
00:15:08,592 --> 00:15:11,227
Then, yes, I will
marry you, Dad!
383
00:15:11,261 --> 00:15:13,696
Oh, that's
wonderful news!
384
00:15:13,730 --> 00:15:16,065
You should know this
ring is very special.
385
00:15:16,099 --> 00:15:18,033
It used to belong
to your mother.
386
00:15:18,068 --> 00:15:20,035
Wait. What about Mom?
387
00:15:20,070 --> 00:15:21,904
I'm afraid that's
over, Chris.
388
00:15:21,938 --> 00:15:23,105
Lois, wake up.
389
00:15:23,140 --> 00:15:25,207
I need you to sign
this legal document.
390
00:15:25,242 --> 00:15:27,109
Huh? Wha-What is this?
391
00:15:27,144 --> 00:15:29,245
It's a petition
to force that hot mom
392
00:15:29,279 --> 00:15:31,413
to wear something appropriate
at PTA meetings.
393
00:15:31,448 --> 00:15:33,315
Oh, thank God.
394
00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:45,694
No, Dad.
395
00:15:45,729 --> 00:15:48,130
I don't know
what normal is anymore.
396
00:15:56,944 --> 00:15:59,679
So now you know my complete
sexual history, Chris.
397
00:15:59,713 --> 00:16:03,216
Wow. I'm surprised you got
fooled by a bear in a wig.
398
00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:05,484
It wasn't a wig,
it was a hair system.
399
00:16:05,519 --> 00:16:06,919
Well, whatever.
400
00:16:06,954 --> 00:16:08,788
Why do we have
all these appointments?
401
00:16:08,822 --> 00:16:10,756
Wedding DJ, florist.
402
00:16:10,791 --> 00:16:13,559
Because, Chris, it takes time
to plan a perfect wedding.
403
00:16:13,594 --> 00:16:15,228
You don't want
to jump the gun.
404
00:16:15,262 --> 00:16:17,697
You know, like when you
respond to a text too quickly.
405
00:16:31,378 --> 00:16:33,579
So, should we get started
with your bridal registry?
406
00:16:33,614 --> 00:16:35,548
Yeah, um, I'd like
to furnish my kitchen
407
00:16:35,582 --> 00:16:37,750
as if I'm the greatest
chef in the world,
408
00:16:37,784 --> 00:16:39,018
even though I've
never cooked before.
409
00:16:39,052 --> 00:16:40,620
That's what we do!
Okay, great.
410
00:16:40,654 --> 00:16:42,521
All right, we'll start
with the nine grand
411
00:16:42,556 --> 00:16:44,857
in copper-bottom
cookware.
412
00:16:49,363 --> 00:16:51,664
Holy wack-a-zoly!
413
00:16:51,698 --> 00:16:52,999
Dad!
What?
414
00:16:53,033 --> 00:16:55,334
Don't "what" me.
You know what you did.
415
00:16:55,369 --> 00:16:58,337
Hey, I may be your husband and
your dad, but I'm still a man.
416
00:17:01,842 --> 00:17:04,210
Yeah, we're looking to plan our
post-wedding Sunday breakfast.
417
00:17:04,244 --> 00:17:05,978
You know,
when everyone's sick of us.
418
00:17:06,013 --> 00:17:07,179
Of course.
419
00:17:07,214 --> 00:17:09,282
Excellent. Do you have
a table for the couple
420
00:17:09,316 --> 00:17:11,617
that barely made it through
the weekend without breaking up?
421
00:17:11,652 --> 00:17:13,386
Absolutely. Can I put
them near the couple
422
00:17:13,420 --> 00:17:15,554
that hooked up drunk and now
have to make awkward small talk
423
00:17:15,589 --> 00:17:17,109
until their cab to
the airport arrives?
424
00:17:17,124 --> 00:17:18,557
Sure. And maybe
they could go next
425
00:17:18,592 --> 00:17:20,059
to the vastly-underdressed
cousin
426
00:17:20,093 --> 00:17:21,861
who thinks
the world revolves around him?
427
00:17:21,895 --> 00:17:23,396
I have just the spot.
428
00:17:23,430 --> 00:17:24,730
Will there be a
physically-frail,
429
00:17:24,765 --> 00:17:25,898
fall-down uncle?
430
00:17:25,932 --> 00:17:27,767
Indeed. And we'd like
to have him walk
431
00:17:27,801 --> 00:17:29,135
through a maze
of chair legs.
432
00:17:29,169 --> 00:17:30,469
Anything else?
Yes.
433
00:17:30,504 --> 00:17:31,904
We did invite
a black couple.
434
00:17:31,938 --> 00:17:34,240
Um, even though we only met them
three months ago,
435
00:17:34,274 --> 00:17:36,275
but we would like them
to be prominently featured
436
00:17:36,310 --> 00:17:39,178
to let the other guests know how
tolerant and wonderful we are.
437
00:17:43,183 --> 00:17:45,117
I'm excited for
your first dance.
438
00:17:45,152 --> 00:17:46,819
And now we're
ready to add music.
439
00:17:46,853 --> 00:17:48,020
What's your song?
440
00:17:48,055 --> 00:17:49,922
You know, I've given it
a lot of thought,
441
00:17:49,956 --> 00:17:52,091
and I went with the most
romantic song ever,
442
00:17:52,125 --> 00:17:55,594
"Stars And Stripes Forever"
by John Philip Sousa.
443
00:17:56,730 --> 00:17:57,963
March! March!
March! March!
444
00:17:57,998 --> 00:17:59,732
Can you feel the
soldiers, Chris?
445
00:17:59,766 --> 00:18:01,100
So many have fallen.
446
00:18:01,134 --> 00:18:02,768
And this is why
they were fighting.
447
00:18:02,803 --> 00:18:04,603
For a man to marry his son
448
00:18:04,638 --> 00:18:06,105
in a state with
enough trees around
449
00:18:06,139 --> 00:18:08,174
that nobody can
see what's going on.
450
00:18:14,314 --> 00:18:16,482
It was nice of the
guests at the cat funeral
451
00:18:16,516 --> 00:18:17,850
to stay for our wedding.
452
00:18:17,884 --> 00:18:19,585
Yeah, and I bet
you're especially happy
453
00:18:19,619 --> 00:18:21,220
we're getting married
on a Thursday.
454
00:18:21,254 --> 00:18:22,988
School, yuck, right?!
455
00:18:23,023 --> 00:18:25,257
Welcome, friends, loved ones,
456
00:18:25,292 --> 00:18:27,927
and people who are waiting
for the 3:00 check-in time
457
00:18:27,961 --> 00:18:29,095
with nothing better to do.
458
00:18:29,129 --> 00:18:30,896
Just let us put
our bags in there.
459
00:18:30,931 --> 00:18:33,265
I'm literally gonna
grab my shorts and leave.
460
00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:37,303
I understand the two of you
have written your own vows?
461
00:18:37,337 --> 00:18:39,105
Chris, to express my love,
462
00:18:39,139 --> 00:18:42,174
I turn to the words of the only
poet that blue collar,
463
00:18:42,209 --> 00:18:45,811
New England scumbags
like me know: Robert Frost.
464
00:18:45,846 --> 00:18:48,748
"Two roads diverged
in a wood, and I...
465
00:18:48,782 --> 00:18:51,384
I took the one less traveled."
466
00:18:51,418 --> 00:18:53,819
Now, I ain't no scholar,
but if that's not a metaphor
467
00:18:53,854 --> 00:18:56,222
for major-league butt stuff,
I don't know what is.
468
00:18:56,256 --> 00:18:57,890
Thank you. Chris?
469
00:18:57,924 --> 00:18:59,658
Stop the wedding!
470
00:19:00,994 --> 00:19:03,262
Lois! How did you
find out about this?
471
00:19:03,296 --> 00:19:04,964
Peter, several people
have called the police
472
00:19:04,998 --> 00:19:06,465
about a man marrying his son.
473
00:19:06,500 --> 00:19:07,900
It's not normal!
474
00:19:07,934 --> 00:19:10,403
Peter? Peter
Griffin?
475
00:19:10,437 --> 00:19:12,338
Oh, God.
476
00:19:12,372 --> 00:19:13,973
Is everyone
from your past here
477
00:19:14,007 --> 00:19:15,775
to walk you down
the aisle?!
478
00:19:15,809 --> 00:19:17,243
Peter, you
cannot do this!
479
00:19:17,277 --> 00:19:19,145
You cannot
marry your son!
480
00:19:19,179 --> 00:19:21,113
I don't care how much
money Daddy's left him.
481
00:19:21,148 --> 00:19:22,715
Don't listen
to your mother, Chris.
482
00:19:22,749 --> 00:19:24,383
It's 'cause of her
we have bedtimes!
483
00:19:24,418 --> 00:19:26,352
Chris, come on,
we're going home!
484
00:19:26,386 --> 00:19:28,053
He can't make
you do this.
485
00:19:28,088 --> 00:19:30,122
But, Mom,
I want to do this.
486
00:19:30,157 --> 00:19:31,457
What?
487
00:19:31,491 --> 00:19:35,161
I know he's marrying me
for my money, but I don't care.
488
00:19:35,195 --> 00:19:37,930
Dad and I spent more time
together planning this wedding
489
00:19:37,964 --> 00:19:39,565
than we ever have before.
490
00:19:39,599 --> 00:19:41,100
And if being married means
491
00:19:41,134 --> 00:19:45,204
I get to spend even more time
with my dad, then it's worth it.
492
00:19:45,238 --> 00:19:49,575
Wait. You knew all along I
just wanted you for your money?
493
00:19:49,609 --> 00:19:52,011
Yeah, Dad, I did.
494
00:19:52,045 --> 00:19:54,146
Wow.
495
00:19:54,181 --> 00:19:56,715
Oh, boy, I've
been a real jerk.
496
00:19:56,750 --> 00:19:58,217
I'm sorry, Chris.
497
00:19:58,251 --> 00:19:59,819
But you know what?
498
00:19:59,853 --> 00:20:02,188
I'm gonna make it up to
you, starting right now.
499
00:20:02,222 --> 00:20:05,591
Chris Griffin...
will you be my son?
500
00:20:05,625 --> 00:20:07,793
Yes, Dad.
501
00:20:07,828 --> 00:20:12,131
OMG, the photographer is,
like, obsessed with me.
502
00:20:12,165 --> 00:20:14,700
Well, let's all go home,
you guys.
503
00:20:14,734 --> 00:20:16,936
I think we've had enough
excitement for one day.
504
00:20:16,970 --> 00:20:18,904
Yeah, and
I guess I learned
505
00:20:18,939 --> 00:20:20,706
it's wrong to take
your son to Vermont
506
00:20:20,740 --> 00:20:22,107
under false
pretenses
507
00:20:22,142 --> 00:20:24,076
to try to marry him
for his inheritance.
508
00:20:24,110 --> 00:20:25,211
You... you should've
known that.
509
00:20:25,245 --> 00:20:27,112
Well, we should
probably get going.
510
00:20:27,147 --> 00:20:29,582
I think this
adventure is over.
511
00:20:29,697 --> 00:20:32,539
Interestingly, however,
I did run into Chris again.
512
00:20:32,540 --> 00:20:34,808
It was on the Upper West
Side of Manhattan.
513
00:20:34,843 --> 00:20:37,546
He was with another dad.
I was with another son.
514
00:20:37,547 --> 00:20:39,512
But it was nice reminiscing
about old times.
515
00:20:39,994 --> 00:20:41,128
For you kids watching,
516
00:20:41,162 --> 00:20:42,851
this is a reference
to a Woody Allen movie.
517
00:20:43,104 --> 00:20:45,072
He also married one
of his children.
518
00:20:45,106 --> 00:20:50,106
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man