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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,987 --> 00:00:07,255
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,290 --> 00:00:10,826
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,860 --> 00:00:13,829
♪ On which we used to rely?
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00:00:13,863 --> 00:00:17,332
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 12x13 ♪
3 Acts of God
Original Air Date on March 16, 2014
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00:00:32,819 --> 00:00:37,819
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:39,988
All right, who's ready
for a little tailgating?
13
00:00:40,022 --> 00:00:42,324
Hey, Brian,
toss me a cold one!
14
00:00:43,459 --> 00:00:46,127
Ah. Nothing better
than a 7:00 a.m. beer
15
00:00:46,162 --> 00:00:47,629
in an unbrushed mouth.
16
00:00:47,663 --> 00:00:49,598
Peter, I don't want
you drinking too much.
17
00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:50,799
You're driving
us all home.
18
00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:53,001
Lois, I know
how many beers I can drink
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00:00:53,035 --> 00:00:54,469
and still be able to drive.
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00:00:54,503 --> 00:00:55,637
I figured it out.
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00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:06,848
Seven.
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00:01:07,883 --> 00:01:09,484
Six.
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00:01:12,355 --> 00:01:15,457
Hey, Cleveland,
what are you doing back in town?
24
00:01:15,491 --> 00:01:17,692
Just back up here
for my monthly haircut.
25
00:01:17,727 --> 00:01:20,829
When a black man finds
a barber, it's for life.
26
00:01:20,863 --> 00:01:23,498
Oh, my God, there's the CEO
of my company!
27
00:01:23,532 --> 00:01:25,100
Now's my chance
to impress him.
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00:01:25,134 --> 00:01:26,534
Hey, Mr. Carlisle!
29
00:01:26,569 --> 00:01:28,169
Check this out.
30
00:01:30,373 --> 00:01:32,440
That's what I can do
for the company.
31
00:01:32,475 --> 00:01:33,708
Really?
32
00:01:33,743 --> 00:01:35,944
Can you do other
things for the company?
33
00:01:35,978 --> 00:01:38,513
No! No! No! I don't want
to be promoted that way!
34
00:01:38,547 --> 00:01:39,681
I want to be promoted
35
00:01:39,715 --> 00:01:41,549
the shooting-hawks
with-a-crossbow way.
36
00:01:42,585 --> 00:01:44,953
"The NFL experience."
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00:01:44,987 --> 00:01:46,321
That sounds cool.
38
00:01:46,355 --> 00:01:47,522
Kid, you're the best.
39
00:01:47,556 --> 00:01:49,424
Sign with me, and you're
gonna make millions.
40
00:01:49,458 --> 00:01:50,825
Griffin, get out there!
41
00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:51,993
Ow!
It's his knee.
42
00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:53,161
Doc?!
43
00:01:53,195 --> 00:01:54,475
You'll never
play football again.
44
00:01:54,497 --> 00:01:55,630
Too bad, kid.
45
00:01:55,665 --> 00:01:57,499
You was gonna
buy me a house!
46
00:01:57,533 --> 00:01:59,200
Now I have headaches.
47
00:01:59,235 --> 00:02:01,369
I'm gonna save my brain
for science.
48
00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:04,406
Come on, guys.
It's game time.
49
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,207
Yeah!
Patriots!
50
00:02:06,242 --> 00:02:08,743
All right! This is the greatest
Sunday tradition ever.
51
00:02:08,778 --> 00:02:10,578
Except for getting
all my cutaway gags
52
00:02:10,613 --> 00:02:11,980
ready for the week.
53
00:02:12,014 --> 00:02:15,150
Okay, my Great-Uncle-wears
a-ski-hat-all-the-time Griffin
54
00:02:15,184 --> 00:02:17,152
will be followed
by Nick Nolte's handkerchief,
55
00:02:17,186 --> 00:02:19,521
followed by Japanese Abe
Lincoln, and then monkey rabbi.
56
00:02:19,555 --> 00:02:21,923
Hey, where's the monkey rabbi?
57
00:02:21,957 --> 00:02:24,192
Here's your Torah.
You be here on Tuesday at 9:00.
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00:02:24,226 --> 00:02:25,193
Check in with Shirley.
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00:02:25,227 --> 00:02:26,594
You gonna need me
this week?
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00:02:26,629 --> 00:02:28,029
Ah, maybe.
Maybe, Friday.
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00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:29,597
Uh, now, where are the gays?
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00:02:29,632 --> 00:02:31,833
Over here.
No, no, no, the really cartoony gays?
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00:02:31,867 --> 00:02:33,368
Yoo-hoo!
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00:02:33,402 --> 00:02:35,570
There you are. We're gonna
need you guys all week.
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00:02:41,243 --> 00:02:43,144
Okay, Brian, so what are the rules?
What?
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00:02:43,179 --> 00:02:45,180
Rules? What are the rules?
How do you make points?
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00:02:45,214 --> 00:02:46,715
Oh, no.
Come on, we're here.
68
00:02:46,749 --> 00:02:48,616
Just give me
the Cliff Notes version.
69
00:02:48,651 --> 00:02:50,685
Like-like who's the guy
with the football ball?
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00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,020
It's just called
a football.
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00:02:52,054 --> 00:02:55,090
Okay, okay, shorthand lingo.
I like it. I like it.
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00:02:55,124 --> 00:02:57,058
Now, I see some elements
of Red Rover
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00:02:57,093 --> 00:02:58,927
with a little bit
of spud mixed in.
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00:02:58,961 --> 00:03:01,229
And is anyone ever going
to blow a raspberry
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00:03:01,263 --> 00:03:02,530
on the quarterback's belly?
76
00:03:02,565 --> 00:03:03,765
No, Stewie, that
never happens.
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00:03:03,766 --> 00:03:05,166
Down goes Brady!
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00:03:05,201 --> 00:03:07,502
And it looks like
Williams is pulling up his shirt
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00:03:07,536 --> 00:03:09,371
and having a little fun
with his tummy!
80
00:03:09,405 --> 00:03:11,072
Look! He's doing it!
81
00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:12,907
Aw, this is my favorite part
of the game.
82
00:03:12,942 --> 00:03:15,043
When two drunk guys,
each holding a baby,
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00:03:15,077 --> 00:03:16,411
get into a fistfight.
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00:03:16,445 --> 00:03:17,679
You're stupid!
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00:03:17,713 --> 00:03:19,714
No, you're stupid!
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00:03:19,749 --> 00:03:21,516
Oh, now their wives
are getting into it.
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00:03:21,550 --> 00:03:22,751
They're gonna put
their cigarettes
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00:03:22,785 --> 00:03:24,052
in their mouths
and bump boobs.
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00:03:24,086 --> 00:03:26,321
You got no class,
you bitch!
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00:03:26,355 --> 00:03:28,089
No, you got no class!
91
00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:30,792
And now here comes security
to kick out the wrong person.
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00:03:30,826 --> 00:03:34,396
Come on, Miyagi,
take that karate outside!
93
00:03:36,432 --> 00:03:38,299
With a five-point lead
and only ten seconds left,
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00:03:38,334 --> 00:03:41,169
all the Patriots have to do
is kneel down with the ball,
95
00:03:41,203 --> 00:03:44,105
and the game is...
Oh, my God, it's a fumble!
96
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:45,540
It's picked up by the Bills,
97
00:03:45,574 --> 00:03:48,042
and they're gonna score
the game-winning touchdown!
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00:03:49,345 --> 00:03:50,478
Oh, come on!
99
00:03:50,513 --> 00:03:52,347
My God,
ten losses in a row?!
100
00:03:52,381 --> 00:03:54,382
This whole season's been
one long bad dream.
101
00:03:54,417 --> 00:03:56,785
Yeah, like that one
where I walk into the bank,
102
00:03:56,819 --> 00:03:58,486
and I ain't got
no clothes on.
103
00:03:58,521 --> 00:04:00,688
Sir, what are you doing?
You have no clothes on.
104
00:04:00,723 --> 00:04:03,158
Ah, must be having one
of those dreams again.
105
00:04:03,192 --> 00:04:04,826
Better wake myself up.
106
00:04:04,860 --> 00:04:06,694
Oh, thank God.
107
00:04:06,729 --> 00:04:09,764
Well, time to apply for
this small business loan.
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00:04:13,869 --> 00:04:16,304
We now return to Turner
Classic Movies' presentation
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00:04:16,338 --> 00:04:20,375
of John Wayne's final Western,
Big Bill Doyle.
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00:04:23,946 --> 00:04:26,915
Big Bill, two men got off
the 2:40 from Amarillo.
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00:04:26,949 --> 00:04:28,850
Saddle my horse.
112
00:04:28,884 --> 00:04:31,786
John Wayne only ate beef
and coffee for every meal,
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00:04:31,821 --> 00:04:34,155
so the director had to shoot
around the fact
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00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:36,157
that he was on the toilet
all the time.
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00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:37,659
Yee-hoo!
Yee-hoo!
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00:04:37,693 --> 00:04:39,694
Reach for the sky, pilgrims.
117
00:04:41,297 --> 00:04:42,764
Big Bill Doyle!
118
00:04:42,798 --> 00:04:43,965
That's right.
119
00:04:43,999 --> 00:04:46,868
And I just made
a Big Bill coil.
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00:04:46,902 --> 00:04:48,269
Damn it,
I'm so angry
121
00:04:48,304 --> 00:04:49,671
the stupid
Pats lost.
122
00:04:49,705 --> 00:04:50,939
And to Buffalo!
123
00:04:50,973 --> 00:04:52,474
Buffalo's got
everything.
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00:04:52,508 --> 00:04:54,175
They don't need
a win like this.
125
00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:56,110
You know, I am gonna
channel this anger
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00:04:56,145 --> 00:04:57,412
into something useful.
127
00:04:57,446 --> 00:04:59,447
Like trying to get sand
out of my backpack.
128
00:05:01,250 --> 00:05:02,784
(yelling
129
00:05:02,818 --> 00:05:05,487
It's been four years
since I went to the beach!
130
00:05:05,521 --> 00:05:06,855
Try turning it
inside out.
131
00:05:06,889 --> 00:05:08,356
Don't you think
I tried that?!
132
00:05:08,390 --> 00:05:09,891
That's the first
thing I did!
133
00:05:09,925 --> 00:05:12,827
We now return
to the Fox NFL Post-Game Show.
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00:05:12,862 --> 00:05:14,462
I'm here with
C.J. Spiller.
135
00:05:14,497 --> 00:05:16,831
C.J., you ran for
200 yards today.
136
00:05:16,866 --> 00:05:19,400
How did you manage that
against the Patriots' defense?
137
00:05:19,435 --> 00:05:21,369
Well, we just gelled
as a team today,
138
00:05:21,403 --> 00:05:23,571
and was fortunate
to come away with the win.
139
00:05:23,606 --> 00:05:25,507
All thanks
and praise goes to God.
140
00:05:25,541 --> 00:05:27,408
He really won
this one for us.
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00:05:27,443 --> 00:05:29,644
Mario Williams, you scored
the winning touchdown.
142
00:05:29,678 --> 00:05:31,679
How does it feel
to beat the Patriots?
143
00:05:31,714 --> 00:05:34,349
I'd like to thank God
and a jury of my peers,
144
00:05:34,383 --> 00:05:37,185
who are both responsible for
me being able to play today.
145
00:05:37,219 --> 00:05:39,254
What the hell?!
This is such bull crap!
146
00:05:39,288 --> 00:05:41,356
Well, what are you talking about?
Isn't it obvious?
147
00:05:41,390 --> 00:05:42,524
God hates the Patriots.
148
00:05:42,558 --> 00:05:43,725
He made 'em lose again!
149
00:05:43,759 --> 00:05:44,893
Peter, uncross your legs.
150
00:05:44,927 --> 00:05:46,794
It's weird to yell
with your legs crossed.
151
00:05:46,829 --> 00:05:49,130
Come on, don't you notice that
whenever the Patriots lose,
152
00:05:49,164 --> 00:05:50,632
the other team
always thanks God?
153
00:05:50,666 --> 00:05:52,634
Huh. Peter does kind of
have a point.
154
00:05:52,668 --> 00:05:54,769
Guys, I'm tired of God
messing with football.
155
00:05:54,803 --> 00:05:56,771
We got to do something
about it!
156
00:05:56,805 --> 00:05:57,939
Like what?
157
00:05:57,973 --> 00:05:59,207
We got to find God
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00:05:59,241 --> 00:06:00,775
and tell him
to cut the crap.
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00:06:00,809 --> 00:06:03,011
How many times
is God gonna ruin our Sunday
160
00:06:03,045 --> 00:06:04,879
with both church
and bad football?
161
00:06:04,914 --> 00:06:07,515
It's time someone told God
to stay where He belongs--
162
00:06:07,550 --> 00:06:08,950
in our schools,
163
00:06:08,984 --> 00:06:11,452
and-and telling people where
they can stick their wieners.
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00:06:11,487 --> 00:06:12,620
Now, what do you say?
165
00:06:12,655 --> 00:06:14,322
Let's go find God!
166
00:06:14,356 --> 00:06:16,024
All right, I'm in!
Me, too!
167
00:06:16,058 --> 00:06:18,026
Let's do this!
168
00:06:18,060 --> 00:06:20,061
Whoa, whoa, Joe, Joe!
What the hell?!
169
00:06:20,095 --> 00:06:21,229
What?
170
00:06:21,263 --> 00:06:23,364
I thought, uh, "Find God"
was a code word.
171
00:06:23,399 --> 00:06:25,500
No. We meant literally
go and find him.
172
00:06:25,534 --> 00:06:28,736
Oh. Well, I already
texted Bonnie.
173
00:06:49,283 --> 00:06:52,919
Ugh. What a night.
174
00:06:54,855 --> 00:06:58,758
Whew! What... a... night.
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00:06:58,792 --> 00:07:02,795
Ca... ray... zy.
176
00:07:03,665 --> 00:07:05,332
Uh, yes, telegram
for hungover.
177
00:07:05,366 --> 00:07:07,734
Yes, I'll-I'll sign for that,
thank you very much.
178
00:07:07,769 --> 00:07:09,503
Oh, boy.
179
00:07:09,537 --> 00:07:10,971
How was your
night, Stewie?
180
00:07:11,005 --> 00:07:13,006
Ugh! Get your own life, bro.
181
00:07:13,041 --> 00:07:14,675
Get off my sack.
182
00:07:14,709 --> 00:07:17,177
Well, Lois, the guys and
I are off to find God.
183
00:07:17,212 --> 00:07:18,645
Peter, that's ridiculous.
184
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:20,047
This is ridiculous?
185
00:07:20,081 --> 00:07:22,683
There's 500 old grocery
bags neatly folded
186
00:07:22,717 --> 00:07:24,485
and crammed into
one of our cabinets.
187
00:07:24,519 --> 00:07:26,153
I'm leaving those
for the kids.
188
00:07:26,187 --> 00:07:27,988
Peter, the idea of God,
let alone
189
00:07:28,022 --> 00:07:30,090
that he'd care anything
about football, is absurd.
190
00:07:30,124 --> 00:07:33,126
Well, it's absurd to think that
my hand scratching on the couch
191
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,162
is some kind of animal,
but you do.
192
00:07:46,741 --> 00:07:48,509
What the is that?
193
00:07:51,746 --> 00:07:54,281
Okay, this is God's house,
so we'll just go in there,
194
00:07:54,315 --> 00:07:56,583
talk to Him, and take care
of this whole thing.
195
00:07:56,618 --> 00:07:58,619
It'll be easy as one, two...
196
00:08:21,576 --> 00:08:24,311
Three.
197
00:08:24,345 --> 00:08:25,779
Hang on, guys.
198
00:08:25,813 --> 00:08:28,181
I want to enter the church
like Sherman Hemsley in Amen.
199
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:30,050
♪ Shine on me
♪ Shine on me ♪
200
00:08:30,084 --> 00:08:31,752
♪ Shine on me
♪ Shine on me ♪
201
00:08:31,786 --> 00:08:34,087
♪ Oh, oh, shine
♪ Shine on me ♪
202
00:08:34,122 --> 00:08:37,658
♪ Oh...
♪ Shine on me ♪
203
00:08:37,692 --> 00:08:39,726
♪ Oh-ah-ah-ah
♪ Shine on me ♪
204
00:08:39,761 --> 00:08:41,762
♪ Hey-hey-hey,
hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey... ♪
205
00:08:41,796 --> 00:08:43,530
♪ Shine on me ♪
206
00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:46,066
♪ Oh, oh, oh...
♪ Shine on me... ♪
207
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:50,237
There was a baby's funeral
going on in there.
208
00:08:55,209 --> 00:08:56,843
Huh. God's all over
this Bible,
209
00:08:56,878 --> 00:08:58,779
but they never give you
an exact address.
210
00:08:58,813 --> 00:09:00,013
You guys, look.
211
00:09:00,048 --> 00:09:01,882
I saw this article
in the paper today.
212
00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:04,184
"First Headline Read Aloud
Often Incorrect."
213
00:09:04,218 --> 00:09:05,953
No, no, not that one,
the one below it.
214
00:09:05,987 --> 00:09:08,488
Oh. "Carrie Underwood
Credits Her Success
215
00:09:08,523 --> 00:09:10,591
to Personal Relationship
With God."
216
00:09:10,625 --> 00:09:12,693
You think she knows
where we can find Him?
217
00:09:12,727 --> 00:09:14,094
I'm sure she does.
218
00:09:14,128 --> 00:09:16,863
She's smart.
She won her job in a contest.
219
00:09:16,898 --> 00:09:19,166
Guys, we are going to Nashville.
220
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:30,344
Wow, the Country
Music Awards!
221
00:09:30,378 --> 00:09:33,180
And you know it's huge 'cause
it's on a Tuesday night.
222
00:09:33,214 --> 00:09:34,748
Hey, look, there's
Taylor Swift.
223
00:09:34,782 --> 00:09:37,684
And there's Taylor
Not-So-Swift.
224
00:09:37,719 --> 00:09:41,521
♪ I broke up with
a birthday cake. ♪
225
00:09:41,556 --> 00:09:44,257
Ugh. We went on,
like, two dates.
226
00:09:45,426 --> 00:09:47,227
Hey, you're Carrie Underwood,
right?
227
00:09:47,261 --> 00:09:49,363
I sure am.
You want an autograph?
228
00:09:49,397 --> 00:09:51,298
Yeah, can you get me
Randy Travis's?
229
00:09:51,332 --> 00:09:53,367
Uh, I don't think so.
230
00:09:53,401 --> 00:09:55,435
Hey, in that song,
"Jesus, Take the Wheel,"
231
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:59,039
was that, like, the real Jesus,
or was it just some Mexican guy?
232
00:09:59,073 --> 00:10:01,041
No, it was the
real Jesus.
233
00:10:01,075 --> 00:10:02,309
Wow. So, you know Him?
234
00:10:02,343 --> 00:10:03,877
We're actually looking
for His father.
235
00:10:03,911 --> 00:10:05,579
Do you know
where we can find God?
236
00:10:05,613 --> 00:10:07,514
Well, God is
everywhere.
237
00:10:07,548 --> 00:10:10,517
He's in our hearts, and we take
Him with us wherever we go.
238
00:10:10,551 --> 00:10:12,152
Yeah, we're looking for,
like, an address.
239
00:10:12,186 --> 00:10:14,254
Look, you guys,
I don't know who you are,
240
00:10:14,288 --> 00:10:15,589
but I have
to go perform.
241
00:10:15,623 --> 00:10:17,691
Peter, I don't think
she knows where God is.
242
00:10:17,725 --> 00:10:19,092
Let's go.
243
00:10:20,395 --> 00:10:23,330
Hey, you know I don't like
you talking to other guys.
244
00:10:23,364 --> 00:10:24,931
I'm sorry, Jesus.
Whatever.
245
00:10:24,966 --> 00:10:27,801
Give me 40 bucks.
I want to get a Toby Keith hat.
246
00:10:27,835 --> 00:10:29,803
You sure you don't want
to stay for the show?
247
00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:31,338
Nah. This place
gives me the creeps.
248
00:10:31,372 --> 00:10:33,073
Like when I went to
that Pedophile Opera.
249
00:10:33,107 --> 00:10:36,376
We are proud to
present Mozart's The Magic Flute...
250
00:10:36,411 --> 00:10:38,412
in A minor.
251
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:42,616
And you still won't give us
an Emmy? Come on!
252
00:10:42,650 --> 00:10:44,217
If Modern Family did that joke,
253
00:10:44,252 --> 00:10:46,486
you'd be carrying 'em around
on your shoulders!
254
00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,993
Well, God wasn't in
Nashville either.
255
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:55,328
Maybe it's time to
throw in the towel.
256
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,397
All right, look, maybe I'm
not like other football fans,
257
00:10:57,432 --> 00:11:00,233
but I don't have a fulfilling
career and a rich family life.
258
00:11:00,268 --> 00:11:02,402
Football is all I got.
Peter's right.
259
00:11:02,437 --> 00:11:04,805
We all live and die
with the Patriots.
260
00:11:04,839 --> 00:11:06,206
Yeah, we got to do this.
261
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,542
Even if it means travelling
to the ends of the Earth.
262
00:11:08,576 --> 00:11:10,544
That's the spirit, guys.
We'll find him.
263
00:11:10,578 --> 00:11:13,113
It can't be any harder
than finding that cheese.
264
00:11:13,147 --> 00:11:14,781
I think the cheese
is that way.
265
00:11:14,816 --> 00:11:16,383
I'm pretty sure
it's over here.
266
00:11:16,417 --> 00:11:19,653
Guys, guys, finding the cheese
is what they want us to do.
267
00:11:19,687 --> 00:11:21,988
Let's just chill.
268
00:11:22,023 --> 00:11:24,391
I don't know where they're
getting all this weed.
269
00:11:31,432 --> 00:11:34,334
"In Greece, it was commonly held
that one could speak to the gods
270
00:11:34,368 --> 00:11:36,069
from the top
of Mount Olympus."
271
00:11:36,104 --> 00:11:37,571
We should probably
go there.
272
00:11:37,605 --> 00:11:39,573
What do you mean "gods"?
There's more than one?
273
00:11:39,607 --> 00:11:41,541
Yes, Peter.
Greece is polytheistic.
274
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:43,210
Quick, Peter, say something
so he thinks you know
275
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:44,811
what he's talking about.
276
00:11:44,846 --> 00:11:46,146
Words.
277
00:11:46,180 --> 00:11:47,814
Yeah, you get it.
278
00:11:52,787 --> 00:11:55,288
Apparently, the Greeks have
a bunch of different gods.
279
00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:56,823
Athena's the goddess
of wisdom.
280
00:11:56,858 --> 00:11:58,692
Poseidon is the god
of the sea.
281
00:11:58,726 --> 00:12:00,894
And I am Chronos,
the god of time.
282
00:12:00,928 --> 00:12:02,362
Oh, cool,
what do you do?
283
00:12:02,396 --> 00:12:04,698
I tell the time and
make gift baskets.
284
00:12:04,732 --> 00:12:07,100
So are you also
the god of gift baskets?
285
00:12:07,135 --> 00:12:09,603
I don't know;
you tell me.
286
00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:12,806
Rosewood-mango candle?!
287
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:14,074
Chronos!
288
00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:15,876
I know, I know.
289
00:12:15,910 --> 00:12:17,911
It's 4:30,
by the way.
290
00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,851
All right, what better place
to find God than the birthplace
291
00:12:24,886 --> 00:12:27,454
of all of Western
civilization's great religions
292
00:12:27,488 --> 00:12:28,989
and one really mean one.
293
00:12:29,023 --> 00:12:31,391
I had a feeling this is
what this place would be like.
294
00:12:31,425 --> 00:12:33,660
Oh, God, it's so hot out.
Why is there never any parking downtown?
295
00:12:33,694 --> 00:12:35,996
Who gets married on a Tuesday?
I got to get off these bad feet.
296
00:12:36,030 --> 00:12:37,230
Ailments!
297
00:12:37,265 --> 00:12:39,266
Oh, look, Joe's
feeding 'em pennies.
298
00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:45,038
Oh, oh!
Somebody take a picture.
299
00:12:45,072 --> 00:12:47,774
I can't believe we didn't
find God in Jerusalem.
300
00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:49,276
Well, we'll have
to keep looking.
301
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:50,777
Oh, here's our bus
to the airport.
302
00:12:54,348 --> 00:12:55,982
Wow.
303
00:12:56,017 --> 00:12:58,819
That was super loud.
304
00:13:02,590 --> 00:13:06,259
Ah, India, the most spiritual
country in the world.
305
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:16,570
God is not here.
306
00:13:20,041 --> 00:13:21,942
Well, that whole
trip was pointless.
307
00:13:21,976 --> 00:13:24,344
Yeah, plus I left
my Jacuzzi on the whole time,
308
00:13:24,378 --> 00:13:26,246
came home
to a boiled raccoon.
309
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:27,914
You guys, I feel terrible.
310
00:13:27,949 --> 00:13:30,650
I'm sorry I dragged you around
the world looking for God.
311
00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:32,853
I guess it was
a huge waste of time.
312
00:13:32,887 --> 00:13:35,188
Like bringin' a married guy
to Vegas.
313
00:13:35,223 --> 00:13:36,648
So I'm thinking steak house.
314
00:13:36,673 --> 00:13:38,725
Do they have salad?
I can't eat red meat.
315
00:13:38,726 --> 00:13:42,429
Yeah. Then we hit the tables.
I'm already down 30 bucks.
316
00:13:42,463 --> 00:13:44,598
Maybe the sportsbook.
Is that near Caesars?
317
00:13:44,632 --> 00:13:46,800
I got to get Brandy
a Celine Dion T-shirt.
318
00:13:46,834 --> 00:13:50,136
And then the strip club.
Guys, we have a 7:00 a.m. tee time.
319
00:13:50,171 --> 00:13:52,505
And are we just gonna bail
on the Hoover Dam?
320
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:54,040
Hey, guys.
321
00:13:54,075 --> 00:13:56,042
Hey, Death.
What are you doing here?
322
00:13:56,077 --> 00:13:58,111
Actually, I'm here
for your show.
323
00:13:58,145 --> 00:14:00,513
Oh, come on, man.
I'm on vacation.
324
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:02,382
Wait a minute, Death,
you work with God!
325
00:14:02,416 --> 00:14:03,783
Will you take us to Him?
326
00:14:03,818 --> 00:14:05,051
Sure, I guess
I could.
327
00:14:05,086 --> 00:14:07,988
But don't
you mean "her"?
328
00:14:08,022 --> 00:14:10,156
Look at your faces!
329
00:14:10,191 --> 00:14:12,392
Of course it's a dude.
Come on, let's go.
330
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,662
Aw, Death, we really appreciate
you taking us to see God.
331
00:14:20,696 --> 00:14:21,896
No problem.
332
00:14:21,931 --> 00:14:23,331
I was supposed
to kill Russell Brand,
333
00:14:23,365 --> 00:14:25,199
but I'll just
do this instead.
334
00:14:25,234 --> 00:14:26,801
Oh, w-well, wait, wait now.
335
00:14:26,835 --> 00:14:28,903
I mean, you could just
pick us up after...
336
00:14:33,642 --> 00:14:35,610
What the...
Where the hell are we?
337
00:14:35,644 --> 00:14:37,612
This is Heaven.
This is Heaven?
338
00:14:37,646 --> 00:14:39,280
It looks
like a Sandals.
339
00:14:39,315 --> 00:14:41,649
Oh, hey, I'm God.
Welcome to Heaven.
340
00:14:41,684 --> 00:14:43,651
Oh, you got
to be kidding me!
341
00:14:43,686 --> 00:14:45,653
Handicapped is still
a thing up here?
342
00:14:45,688 --> 00:14:47,288
Oh, yeah, you're
like this forever.
343
00:14:47,323 --> 00:14:49,403
Hey, how come everyone
has different kinds of towels?
344
00:14:49,425 --> 00:14:51,726
Well, we don't provide towels;
you have to bring your own.
345
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,861
It's very important
that you die holding towels.
346
00:14:53,896 --> 00:14:55,597
Have the priests
not been passing this along?
347
00:14:55,631 --> 00:14:57,065
It's very important.
348
00:14:57,099 --> 00:14:59,133
You know, I actually can't
believe they let me into Heaven.
349
00:14:59,168 --> 00:15:02,270
They won't even let me umpire
little league games anymore.
350
00:15:02,304 --> 00:15:04,339
Strike two!
351
00:15:04,373 --> 00:15:07,008
And, Ricky, you have got
the best ass on this field.
352
00:15:07,042 --> 00:15:09,811
Look, God, the reason we're
here is we wanted to tell you
353
00:15:09,845 --> 00:15:11,679
to stop messing
with the Patriots!
354
00:15:11,714 --> 00:15:13,147
What?!
355
00:15:13,182 --> 00:15:15,316
You really think I'd get
involved with football games
356
00:15:15,351 --> 00:15:17,452
when there's people dying
in Africa?
357
00:15:17,486 --> 00:15:20,421
Are you gonna do something about
the people dying in Africa?
358
00:15:20,456 --> 00:15:22,090
No, but I'm pretty upset
about it.
359
00:15:22,124 --> 00:15:23,958
Come off it, God,
you know what you're doing.
360
00:15:23,993 --> 00:15:25,560
Stop making
the Patriots lose!
361
00:15:25,594 --> 00:15:27,428
I'm God. I don't
have to do anything.
362
00:15:27,463 --> 00:15:29,097
Ah, so you admit it!
363
00:15:29,131 --> 00:15:30,298
Maybe.
364
00:15:30,332 --> 00:15:31,799
Oh, my God,
it's true?!
365
00:15:31,834 --> 00:15:33,334
You don't, like, pay attention
366
00:15:33,369 --> 00:15:36,404
to how much each individual tips
at each meal, right?
367
00:15:36,438 --> 00:15:39,841
Look, look, God, why... why
you got to hurt Patriots fans?
368
00:15:39,875 --> 00:15:41,542
These are good, drunk people
369
00:15:41,577 --> 00:15:44,245
who work hard to get
absolutely nowhere in life.
370
00:15:44,279 --> 00:15:45,680
There are three million
fishermen
371
00:15:45,714 --> 00:15:47,882
and only seven fish left
in the sea.
372
00:15:47,916 --> 00:15:49,951
But they live to watch football,
373
00:15:49,985 --> 00:15:53,254
many of them still on Zenith
or Sylvania television sets.
374
00:15:53,288 --> 00:15:55,790
Please, God, we're beggin' ya,
375
00:15:55,824 --> 00:15:57,358
leave football alone.
376
00:15:57,393 --> 00:15:58,793
It's all we got.
377
00:16:00,162 --> 00:16:01,663
Look, it-it's not the fans.
378
00:16:01,697 --> 00:16:03,531
It's just...
It's Belichick.
379
00:16:03,565 --> 00:16:04,966
I don't like him.
380
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:08,536
I gave that guy three Super
Bowls, and he never smiled once.
381
00:16:08,570 --> 00:16:10,705
Not even at home.
Be grateful!
382
00:16:10,739 --> 00:16:12,507
But... but that's
just Belichick.
383
00:16:12,541 --> 00:16:13,708
Yeah, come on, God.
384
00:16:13,742 --> 00:16:16,210
Um, I'm locked out
of my room again.
385
00:16:16,245 --> 00:16:17,945
Oh, yeah, go directly
to the boss.
386
00:16:17,980 --> 00:16:19,681
Don't even try to ask
an employee.
387
00:16:19,715 --> 00:16:21,716
You got to lock
the doors in Heaven?
388
00:16:21,750 --> 00:16:24,652
One guy lost a laptop,
and everybody went nuts.
389
00:16:24,687 --> 00:16:26,587
All right, all right,
I'll tell you what.
390
00:16:26,622 --> 00:16:29,490
If you make Belichick smile,
I'll let the Patriots win again.
391
00:16:29,525 --> 00:16:30,792
Okay, you're on.
392
00:16:30,826 --> 00:16:32,827
I don't know, Peter,
that's gonna be tough.
393
00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:35,396
Don't worry, I got a lot of
practice making people smile.
394
00:16:35,431 --> 00:16:37,899
I used to be a celebrity
baby photographer.
395
00:16:37,933 --> 00:16:40,468
Okay, Apple, Apple,
smile for Peter.
396
00:16:40,502 --> 00:16:42,403
Smile for... No? No?
397
00:16:42,438 --> 00:16:44,405
Okay, okay, look over there.
Who's that? Who's that?
398
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,708
Who loves you over there?
That's right.
399
00:16:46,742 --> 00:16:48,543
Can you smile
for Nanny Number Two?
400
00:16:48,577 --> 00:16:50,411
That's it!
There you go.
401
00:16:50,446 --> 00:16:53,715
And your mommy said that
she'll be able to Skype at 8:30
402
00:16:53,749 --> 00:16:55,917
if drinks don't turn
into dinner.
403
00:17:04,593 --> 00:17:07,061
Okay, okay,
shh, here he comes.
404
00:17:07,096 --> 00:17:08,996
Hiya, Mr. Belichick!
405
00:17:09,031 --> 00:17:11,065
Who the hell are you?
What do you want?
406
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:12,867
We are here
to make you smile.
407
00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:15,436
And if there's one thing
that always gets me to smile,
408
00:17:15,471 --> 00:17:16,871
it's a child's laughter.
409
00:17:16,905 --> 00:17:18,740
So, I found this kid
in the parking lot,
410
00:17:18,774 --> 00:17:20,575
and I'm gonna make
him laugh for you.
411
00:17:24,346 --> 00:17:25,947
Come on, laugh.
412
00:17:25,981 --> 00:17:27,949
Who's your bubba?
Wudgie, wudgie, wudgie, wudgie.
413
00:17:27,983 --> 00:17:29,650
Don't touch my son's face.
414
00:17:29,685 --> 00:17:31,085
Get over here,
little man.
415
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:33,154
This flight is cleared
for liftoff.
416
00:17:33,188 --> 00:17:34,522
Vroom. Liftoff.
417
00:17:34,556 --> 00:17:35,723
Whee.
418
00:17:35,758 --> 00:17:36,991
Who's flying?
Whee.
419
00:17:37,025 --> 00:17:38,326
You're flying.
Again.
420
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,560
Who's daddy's
little jet?
421
00:17:39,595 --> 00:17:42,396
I love you,
Daddy.
422
00:17:47,302 --> 00:17:48,970
Oh, God,
you guys again?
423
00:17:49,004 --> 00:17:51,072
All right, Coach,
another surefire equation
424
00:17:51,106 --> 00:17:53,608
for comedy is tragedy plus time.
425
00:17:55,477 --> 00:17:57,578
And now we wait.
426
00:17:59,548 --> 00:18:01,849
All right, Coach, now one
thing that's always funny is
427
00:18:01,884 --> 00:18:04,285
when I dub my voice
over animal footage
428
00:18:04,319 --> 00:18:07,922
and introduce human foibles
into their situations.
429
00:18:07,956 --> 00:18:09,290
Tough day at the bank?
430
00:18:09,324 --> 00:18:10,825
No. Just had a bad lunch.
431
00:18:10,859 --> 00:18:12,393
What did you have?
432
00:18:12,427 --> 00:18:14,595
Serengeti and meatballs.
433
00:18:14,630 --> 00:18:16,998
How absurd!
434
00:18:17,032 --> 00:18:19,600
Look, you guys have been
following me around all day
435
00:18:19,635 --> 00:18:21,035
making fools out
of yourselves.
436
00:18:21,069 --> 00:18:22,503
Would you just
leave me alone?
437
00:18:22,538 --> 00:18:24,071
I've got work to do.
438
00:18:24,106 --> 00:18:26,240
Oh, guys,
I guess we failed.
439
00:18:26,275 --> 00:18:28,075
Sorry for wasting
your time, Coach.
440
00:18:28,110 --> 00:18:29,844
We got to get to
the hospital anyway.
441
00:18:29,878 --> 00:18:31,412
Our friend
Joe here has
442
00:18:31,446 --> 00:18:33,314
to have his fluids
changed every 72 hours,
443
00:18:33,348 --> 00:18:36,284
or else he swells up and
his eyes turn yellow.
444
00:18:36,318 --> 00:18:37,552
Huh.
What was that?
445
00:18:37,586 --> 00:18:38,853
Oh, my God, Joe, quick!
446
00:18:38,887 --> 00:18:40,955
Tell him more
about your sad life.
447
00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:43,991
Uh, every morning, I wake up
drenched in my own urine.
448
00:18:44,026 --> 00:18:47,295
My feet are just shoes sewn
to the bottom of my pants.
449
00:18:47,329 --> 00:18:49,897
Last week, the handicapped seat
on the bus was taken,
450
00:18:49,932 --> 00:18:52,200
so they put me on the front,
like a bicycle.
451
00:18:52,234 --> 00:18:53,868
After I injured my legs,
452
00:18:53,902 --> 00:18:56,871
my doctor said I'd be walking
again in two weeks.
453
00:18:56,905 --> 00:19:00,575
Huh. That's hysterical.
454
00:19:00,609 --> 00:19:01,809
Oh, my God, yes!
455
00:19:01,844 --> 00:19:03,344
All right! All right!
He smiled!
456
00:19:03,378 --> 00:19:04,545
We did it!
457
00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:06,447
Aw, man, this is
my biggest accomplishment
458
00:19:06,481 --> 00:19:09,917
since my 1920s solo flight
across the Atlantic.
459
00:19:15,490 --> 00:19:16,824
Vive Pierre Griffin!
460
00:19:16,859 --> 00:19:17,892
Incroyable!
461
00:19:17,926 --> 00:19:19,060
Don't look in there.
462
00:19:19,094 --> 00:19:20,795
Don't look in there.
It's all craps.
463
00:19:20,829 --> 00:19:22,797
All right, we got to put toilets
in these things
464
00:19:22,831 --> 00:19:25,099
if we're gonna be in 'em
for more than two hours.
465
00:19:28,136 --> 00:19:30,271
Wow. You guys
pulled it off.
466
00:19:30,305 --> 00:19:31,539
Well, a deal's a deal.
467
00:19:31,573 --> 00:19:33,541
I'll leave the
Patriots alone.
468
00:19:33,575 --> 00:19:34,542
Oh, thanks, God!
469
00:19:34,576 --> 00:19:36,611
Yeah!
Really appreciate it.
470
00:19:36,645 --> 00:19:38,212
Aw, come here, you!
471
00:19:38,214 --> 00:19:39,747
Ah, ah, ah!
Get off me!
472
00:19:39,781 --> 00:19:41,382
Get off me!
What the hell?
473
00:19:41,416 --> 00:19:43,651
God's mildly
autistic.
474
00:19:43,685 --> 00:19:45,853
You can't touch Him,
especially on the head.
475
00:19:45,888 --> 00:19:47,729
It's all right, it's all right,
it's all right.
476
00:19:47,756 --> 00:19:49,357
Just-Just-Just
don't do that!
477
00:19:49,391 --> 00:19:50,691
Sorry about that.
478
00:19:50,726 --> 00:19:51,792
Well, uh, again, thanks.
479
00:19:51,827 --> 00:19:52,894
We won't forget this.
480
00:19:52,928 --> 00:19:54,662
Oh, by the way...
481
00:19:54,696 --> 00:19:56,764
Conway Twitty
says cut it out.
482
00:19:56,798 --> 00:19:59,033
Just write a joke.
483
00:20:04,072 --> 00:20:05,406
Well, Peter,
I'm glad you're home,
484
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,808
and I'm happy you guys found
what you were looking for.
485
00:20:07,843 --> 00:20:11,045
Yeah, and this trip made me
realize that 98% of the world
486
00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:12,980
is just making
each other blankets.
487
00:20:13,015 --> 00:20:14,582
So, Brian, you still
an atheist
488
00:20:14,616 --> 00:20:15,816
now that Dad's
met God?
489
00:20:15,851 --> 00:20:17,285
Stewie, who knows
who he met?
490
00:20:17,319 --> 00:20:18,986
Every time we go
to Disney World,
491
00:20:19,021 --> 00:20:21,455
he thinks Mickey Mouse just
happened to be there that day.
492
00:20:21,490 --> 00:20:23,824
I'll tell ya, seeing God in
Heaven was just like that time
493
00:20:23,859 --> 00:20:25,826
I met Mickey and Donald
outside Thunder Mountain.
494
00:20:25,861 --> 00:20:27,061
I mean, what are the odds?
495
00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:28,696
But, Peter, I still
don't understand why
496
00:20:28,730 --> 00:20:30,498
you would go
to all that trouble
497
00:20:30,532 --> 00:20:32,664
to find God and only ask
about the Patriots.
498
00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:33,965
Oh, I asked
for one more thing.
499
00:20:35,118 --> 00:20:37,315
Ah! What's happening?!
500
00:20:37,316 --> 00:20:38,283
Don't look at her.
Don't look at her.
501
00:20:38,317 --> 00:20:39,357
It's okay.
Just go with it.
502
00:20:39,385 --> 00:20:40,559
It'll all be over
in a second.
503
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:45,560
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man