1 00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,486 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:07,655 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:11,401 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,462 --> 00:00:14,071 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,131 --> 00:00:17,999 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,019 --> 00:00:21,261 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,413 --> 00:00:22,763 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,915 --> 00:00:24,414 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,475 --> 00:00:30,029 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,577 --> 00:00:36,518 ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Today Show 11 00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,704 with Matt Lauer sadly looking in the window. 12 00:00:38,897 --> 00:00:40,855 First up, Rachael Ray will be here 13 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:43,358 to help us with a simple Christmas recipe. 14 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,859 (muffled): Can I come back now? 15 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:46,620 Then, Al will be in to get you ready 16 00:00:46,756 --> 00:00:48,213 with your Christmas travel weather. 17 00:00:48,406 --> 00:00:50,123 Are you guys still sore at me? 18 00:00:50,276 --> 00:00:53,052 We also share your best tweets about family visitors. 19 00:00:53,245 --> 00:00:55,779 I thought about what I did. 20 00:00:55,839 --> 00:00:58,373 (loud thud) 21 00:00:58,434 --> 00:01:00,392 (groans) 22 00:01:00,585 --> 00:01:03,062 (bleep) (grunts) 23 00:01:03,255 --> 00:01:06,973 (bleep) (grunts) (bleep) 24 00:01:07,068 --> 00:01:10,152 (Lois grunts, pants) 25 00:01:13,074 --> 00:01:14,798 (groans, pants) 26 00:01:14,817 --> 00:01:16,483 That looks heavy. 27 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,394 Well, dragging a bin full of decorations down the stairs 28 00:01:19,455 --> 00:01:21,154 while repeatedly yelling (bleep) 29 00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:23,824 in front of my children means only one thing. 30 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:26,643 It's Christmas time. 31 00:01:26,662 --> 00:01:28,478 Yeah, Lois, I knew it was Christmas a week ago 32 00:01:28,539 --> 00:01:31,665 when the "O" in the PornHub logo became a wreath. 33 00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:33,317 -Same. -Nice. 34 00:01:33,377 --> 00:01:34,985 Listen, there's a lot of work to be done 35 00:01:35,003 --> 00:01:37,654 to make this place look festive, and unlike most years, 36 00:01:37,756 --> 00:01:40,340 where I do everything, this year I want you all 37 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,083 to help with the Christmas chores. 38 00:01:42,186 --> 00:01:43,844 Come on, Lois. You know the deal around here. 39 00:01:43,996 --> 00:01:46,830 We split everything zero-100, like most couples. 40 00:01:46,849 --> 00:01:48,423 And I also have another request. 41 00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:50,167 I'd like to finally get a present 42 00:01:50,227 --> 00:01:52,093 from the heart this year. 43 00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:53,946 Not just some defective clothing item 44 00:01:54,139 --> 00:01:56,022 Peter got on clearance at Marshalls. 45 00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:58,266 But you love The Roling Stons. 46 00:01:58,327 --> 00:01:59,952 Now, to make sure you don't forget your chores, 47 00:02:00,121 --> 00:02:01,678 I've made you each a list. 48 00:02:01,738 --> 00:02:04,514 And I want all of these completed by tomorrow. 49 00:02:04,533 --> 00:02:07,351 Sorry. I can't do chores. My trick elbow is acting up. 50 00:02:07,369 --> 00:02:09,962 -Is that your card? -No. 51 00:02:10,155 --> 00:02:12,673 Oh, boy, it's worse than I thought. 52 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:21,623 Why are we doing our Christmas shopping at the strip mall? 53 00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,717 'Cause we ran out of gas out front. 54 00:02:23,869 --> 00:02:25,869 You got to get that gas gauge fixed. 55 00:02:25,929 --> 00:02:28,038 Look, Chris, did you want the gas gauge fixed, 56 00:02:28,056 --> 00:02:29,464 or did you want a year of Quibi? 57 00:02:29,525 --> 00:02:31,299 The gas gauge. 58 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,485 I'm sure we can find everything on Mom's list here. 59 00:02:33,637 --> 00:02:35,303 It doesn't look so bad. 60 00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:39,491 If this place doesn't have Baby Yoda toys, I swear to God... 61 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:42,402 I'll probably buy something with Spider-Man on it. 62 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,979 Okay, guys, now before you can shop at a strip mall, 63 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,981 you have to use the free-standing ATM 64 00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:48,575 that's chained to a pole 65 00:02:48,727 --> 00:02:51,128 and not affiliated with any known bank. 66 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,732 Good. It's taking an extra-long time 67 00:02:55,792 --> 00:02:58,068 to read the card and probably stealing the number. 68 00:02:58,128 --> 00:03:01,847 Select "yes" to pay $15 fee. No brainer. 69 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,407 Perfect. Now I can't read the screen, 70 00:03:03,467 --> 00:03:05,333 'cause the glare is so bad. 71 00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,910 And it's not giving me my card back. 72 00:03:06,970 --> 00:03:08,929 -(phone ringing) -Hello? 73 00:03:09,081 --> 00:03:10,355 Yes, this is Peter Griffin. 74 00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,708 Not anymore? Well, thanks for telling me. 75 00:03:12,735 --> 00:03:15,360 Look, there's a card and nice paper store. 76 00:03:15,553 --> 00:03:19,198 Let's go walk around it slowly and let out tiny farts. 77 00:03:19,391 --> 00:03:21,849 -(door bells tinkle) -(soft instrumental music plays) 78 00:03:21,952 --> 00:03:24,536 Hmm. Nice, thick card stock. 79 00:03:24,729 --> 00:03:25,946 (squeaky gas expulsion) 80 00:03:26,098 --> 00:03:27,855 Ah, yes, that's a very bright white. 81 00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:29,857 (squeaky gas expulsion) 82 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:31,359 Ooh, Century Gothic font. 83 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:32,694 (loud, rumbling, gas expulsion) 84 00:03:32,755 --> 00:03:36,531 Miss, this store is for tiny farts only. 85 00:03:36,592 --> 00:03:40,052 There's a Lids next door for that sort of thing. 86 00:03:42,448 --> 00:03:44,781 Welcome to the strip mall H&R Block. 87 00:03:44,841 --> 00:03:46,225 Yes, I'd like to do my taxes. 88 00:03:46,418 --> 00:03:49,119 -How much does H charge? -$59. 89 00:03:49,221 --> 00:03:50,896 Hmm. How much does R charge? 90 00:03:51,089 --> 00:03:52,789 $59. 91 00:03:52,891 --> 00:03:56,718 Does R know H has a side thing going with M? H&M? 92 00:03:56,779 --> 00:03:58,462 I don't know what you're talking about. 93 00:03:58,522 --> 00:04:00,388 Is H back from lunch yet? 94 00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:02,908 Sorry. He said he was held up with a client. 95 00:04:03,101 --> 00:04:06,319 You were with M again, weren't you?! 96 00:04:06,472 --> 00:04:07,804 What? No, I wasn't. 97 00:04:07,823 --> 00:04:09,939 Then why are you wearing a designer-looking shirt 98 00:04:09,959 --> 00:04:11,399 at a fraction of the cost? 99 00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:13,234 Maybe I wanted to get caught. 100 00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:16,088 I told you what I'd do if I ever caught you cheating. 101 00:04:16,281 --> 00:04:18,298 This is on you! 102 00:04:19,584 --> 00:04:22,427 Why?! Why?! 103 00:04:22,579 --> 00:04:24,337 What's up? I was just taking a pee. 104 00:04:24,490 --> 00:04:25,764 Someone call? 105 00:04:25,957 --> 00:04:29,393 Sometimes they let me write my own skits. 106 00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:34,331 ANNOUNCER: We now return to CBS This Morning 107 00:04:34,391 --> 00:04:37,517 with Charlie Rose sadly pressed against the window. 108 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:40,094 Coming up this morning, Christmas came early 109 00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:43,340 for a group of first graders in South Bend, Indiana. 110 00:04:43,358 --> 00:04:45,784 (muffled): You guys still cross with me? 111 00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:49,179 Hey, how was the big day of shop... 112 00:04:49,239 --> 00:04:51,957 (sighs) Wait. Where's all the Christmas stuff? 113 00:04:52,150 --> 00:04:54,017 Ah, yeah. About that... 114 00:04:54,077 --> 00:04:55,519 I can't believe this. 115 00:04:55,537 --> 00:04:57,296 Brian, where's Stewie's Elf on the Shelf? 116 00:04:57,489 --> 00:05:00,206 Meg, where's the twinkling lights I asked for? 117 00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:01,633 Peter, where's the Christmas tree? 118 00:05:01,785 --> 00:05:03,168 We don't even have a tree. 119 00:05:03,362 --> 00:05:04,878 I'm sorry, Lois. I got it all under control. 120 00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:07,639 Don't you worry about a thing. I'll be right back. 121 00:05:08,684 --> 00:05:11,810 ♪ ♪ 122 00:05:12,003 --> 00:05:14,220 (wind whistling) 123 00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:16,982 (gasps) Peter, you did get a tree. 124 00:05:17,175 --> 00:05:18,892 Oh, it's beautiful. 125 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:23,137 I sure did, Lois, because I love you and I love this family. 126 00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:24,881 Oh, Peter. 127 00:05:24,941 --> 00:05:27,734 Peter. Peter. 128 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,736 Peter. Peter?! 129 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:32,556 Peter Griffin, what the hell is going on here? 130 00:05:32,574 --> 00:05:34,558 Huh? Huh? What? Oh, yeah. 131 00:05:34,659 --> 00:05:36,818 I was gonna go get all the Christmas stuff, 132 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,562 but then I fell asleep rubbin' one out 133 00:05:38,622 --> 00:05:41,064 to Madonna's "Santa Baby" in the car. 134 00:05:41,083 --> 00:05:42,899 By the way, tonight's date night is cancelled 135 00:05:42,959 --> 00:05:44,568 due to lack of interest. 136 00:05:44,586 --> 00:05:46,920 Peter, you were all supposed to take the weight 137 00:05:47,056 --> 00:05:50,407 of the holidays off my shoulders for once, and you failed. 138 00:05:50,425 --> 00:05:51,758 You all failed. 139 00:05:51,894 --> 00:05:54,001 Brian, you're supposed to be responsible. 140 00:05:54,063 --> 00:05:56,096 Bad dog. Bad. 141 00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:57,764 (whimpering) 142 00:05:57,916 --> 00:06:01,526 Damn it. And who got candy cane all over the couch? 143 00:06:01,719 --> 00:06:03,195 (whimpering) 144 00:06:03,346 --> 00:06:05,030 You know what? I've had it. 145 00:06:05,181 --> 00:06:08,108 Every year, my cousin asks me to come to Cabo for Christmas. 146 00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:09,776 Well, this year, I'm going. 147 00:06:09,928 --> 00:06:11,428 You're all gonna see how hard it is 148 00:06:11,488 --> 00:06:13,521 to make Christmas happen around here without me. 149 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,708 I am packing my bags, and I'm out of here. 150 00:06:16,901 --> 00:06:18,284 You're getting divorced? 151 00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:19,953 No, I'm just leaving for a few days 152 00:06:20,089 --> 00:06:21,621 and ruining their Christmas. 153 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,440 You're ruining Christmas 154 00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:26,051 by suing the city over holiday decorations? 155 00:06:26,202 --> 00:06:28,703 No, I'm just leaving my family for the holidays. 156 00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:30,964 You're doing deaf jokes? 157 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,392 No. No one's doing deaf jokes. 158 00:06:33,585 --> 00:06:36,561 Well, I can't hear, so I don't know. 159 00:06:36,754 --> 00:06:38,455 She's not doing them. 160 00:06:38,515 --> 00:06:40,290 -What? -I don't know. 161 00:06:40,392 --> 00:06:42,626 I think we... I think... 162 00:06:42,644 --> 00:06:45,529 I think we are doing deaf jokes at this point. 163 00:06:51,136 --> 00:06:53,820 I can't believe Mom went to Cabo 164 00:06:53,956 --> 00:06:55,805 and left us alone for Christmas. 165 00:06:55,824 --> 00:06:57,323 What are we gonna do? 166 00:06:57,476 --> 00:06:59,159 Well, I'll tell you the first thing we're gonna do. 167 00:06:59,311 --> 00:07:02,087 We're gonna delete all of her pretentious crap off the DVR. 168 00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:04,589 I want to be the one to delete The Crown. 169 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:07,909 She never watched them. She just had 'em. 170 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,152 Do it, son. 171 00:07:09,254 --> 00:07:11,321 Well, well, well, The Crown. 172 00:07:11,381 --> 00:07:12,839 How the tables have turned. 173 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,415 Remember this face? 174 00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:16,417 The one that wanted to watch Modern Family? 175 00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,920 Well, payback's a bitch. Delete! 176 00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:22,441 "Are you sure you want to delete The Crown?" Yes. 177 00:07:22,634 --> 00:07:25,835 "Do you understand that it's really good?" Yes! 178 00:07:25,896 --> 00:07:29,614 "Are you sure? It will impress your friends." Accept. 179 00:07:29,807 --> 00:07:32,600 "You understand that we change the cast every season." 180 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,268 Acknowledge. 181 00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:37,530 "Come on. It's The Crown. It's history." Don't care. 182 00:07:37,683 --> 00:07:39,699 "You are not allowed to delete The Crown." 183 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,701 (yelling) 184 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,945 (groaning) 185 00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,280 BRITISH TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Crown. 186 00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:48,282 (woman mumbling in British accent) 187 00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:51,285 (man mumbling in British accent) 188 00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:53,120 I actually kind of love it. 189 00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:54,789 Ah, me, too. 190 00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:57,717 It's 'cause I'm trash, and I love how fancy it is. 191 00:07:57,869 --> 00:07:59,627 Dad, this doesn't help with Christmas. 192 00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:02,129 Yeah, we're screwed. Who's gonna decorate? 193 00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:03,982 Who's gonna cook Christmas dinner? 194 00:08:04,175 --> 00:08:06,133 Okay, calm down. Now, I know your mom's gone, 195 00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,728 and we're a little worried, but Daddy's got a plan. 196 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,715 All right, everybody, go outside and kneel face-first 197 00:08:11,775 --> 00:08:14,141 in front of Daddy's big pre-dug hole. 198 00:08:14,203 --> 00:08:15,885 Come on, Peter. We can do this. 199 00:08:15,904 --> 00:08:17,345 All right, Plan B. 200 00:08:17,347 --> 00:08:19,723 I take two pills I got after my root canal 201 00:08:19,824 --> 00:08:20,982 and listen to records. 202 00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:24,169 (smooth jazz playing) 203 00:08:24,362 --> 00:08:27,047 It's been four days. 204 00:08:34,872 --> 00:08:37,516 Huh. Not too bad. 205 00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:49,844 First of all, these are really good binoculars. 206 00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:51,771 Second, this was a great plan. 207 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:56,201 Watching the family fall apart without me is better than Cabo. 208 00:08:56,394 --> 00:08:57,944 Ah. Look at them. 209 00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,612 I'll get a phone call any minute 210 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:02,240 begging me to come back and save Christmas. 211 00:09:02,434 --> 00:09:06,694 But in the meantime, it's time for a little relaxation. 212 00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,621 MOTEL TV ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Quahog Motel, 213 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,623 the winner of Tripadvisor's award for 214 00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:13,943 "Best In-Room Stationery to Write Your Suicide Note On". 215 00:09:14,004 --> 00:09:15,887 Yeah, this is gonna work. 216 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:20,392 Now all I have to do is lie here and wait, like a cobra. 217 00:09:20,585 --> 00:09:23,620 -Cobra? Party of one? -Yes, that's me. 218 00:09:23,638 --> 00:09:25,288 And would you like me to bring your drink from the bar? 219 00:09:25,390 --> 00:09:28,441 Uh, yes. I have no hands? 220 00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:36,741 All right, time to put up the 2020 Christmas decorations. 221 00:09:36,934 --> 00:09:39,744 First, ethnically-accurate Jesus goes right here 222 00:09:39,896 --> 00:09:42,155 next to Father Mary and Mother Josephine, 223 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,732 followed closely by the three genderless Wise People 224 00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,084 on their Bird Scooters, 225 00:09:46,277 --> 00:09:47,568 Tig Notaro for some reason, 226 00:09:47,588 --> 00:09:49,495 and of course, the Little Drummer Them. 227 00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:52,424 Because God forbid we call a boy a boy. 228 00:09:52,575 --> 00:09:54,651 -Dad, what are you say... -I don't like what the world is! 229 00:09:54,753 --> 00:09:56,928 I'm white! When's it gonna be our turn?! 230 00:09:57,121 --> 00:09:58,822 Peter, relax. 231 00:09:58,882 --> 00:10:00,323 How am I supposed to relax? 232 00:10:00,342 --> 00:10:01,841 Christmas is tomorrow, and that woman 233 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,417 who normally does everything had 234 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:04,844 to go help her sick aunt or something. 235 00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,104 -You mean Lois? -I don't know. 236 00:10:06,255 --> 00:10:07,831 The redhead with the voice. 237 00:10:07,891 --> 00:10:10,516 She usually hangs up these stupid Christmas lights. 238 00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:12,444 And these stupid Christmas wreaths. 239 00:10:12,595 --> 00:10:15,980 And the white wire reindeers that look like ghosts. 240 00:10:16,174 --> 00:10:17,598 Dad, look. 241 00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:19,701 (angelic singing) 242 00:10:23,239 --> 00:10:26,273 Oh, my God, it's perfect. 243 00:10:26,335 --> 00:10:27,684 -(phone ringing) -Hello? 244 00:10:27,744 --> 00:10:29,777 QUAGMIRE: Yeah, Merry Christmas. 245 00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,129 Um, listen, Peter, can you turn down those lights? 246 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,280 I'm in bed with a three, and, um, 247 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,426 extra light is not her friend. 248 00:10:40,256 --> 00:10:43,700 Oh, my God. Stewie doesn't have a jacket on, 249 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:45,977 but other than that, Peter's done it. 250 00:10:46,170 --> 00:10:48,221 (giggling) 251 00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:50,056 Yeah. Oh, you're gonna get it. 252 00:10:50,192 --> 00:10:52,133 You like it rough, don't ya? 253 00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:53,985 Oops, wrong room. 254 00:10:54,137 --> 00:10:57,155 Sorry. We're excited. My wife just killed herself. 255 00:10:57,306 --> 00:11:00,325 ♪ ♪ 256 00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:05,121 (instrumental "Deck the Halls" plays) 257 00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:43,184 What the hell? 258 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,611 They've never had a front yard family snowball fight 259 00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:47,597 when I was there. 260 00:11:47,657 --> 00:11:49,615 Oh, and now the local news is there. 261 00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:51,784 Hello. I'm Tom Tucker. This just in. 262 00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:56,122 Husband does what wife normally does, comma, makes headlines. 263 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,624 Come on. You can't be... 264 00:11:58,777 --> 00:12:00,218 Oh, look at Quagmire 265 00:12:00,411 --> 00:12:02,262 trying to sneak that three out of his house. 266 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,450 (sighs) 267 00:12:07,469 --> 00:12:09,635 Now they're standing hand-in-hand? 268 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,971 It's like they've never been happier. 269 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,123 Wait. What's Peter saying? 270 00:12:14,225 --> 00:12:16,067 (distorted, slowly): I... 271 00:12:16,260 --> 00:12:20,646 love... you. 272 00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:22,648 (gasps) They better not say it back 273 00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:26,652 also in distorted slow-motion to emphasize my horror. 274 00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:30,823 ALL (distorted, slowly): I... love... you... 275 00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:33,826 too... Dad. 276 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,754 That's it. 277 00:12:35,905 --> 00:12:37,313 There's only one thing to do. 278 00:12:37,373 --> 00:12:39,983 I must put an end to this whole thing. 279 00:12:40,001 --> 00:12:42,835 I must stop Christmas. 280 00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,821 (distant gas expulsion) 281 00:12:44,881 --> 00:12:47,581 Hey, what do you think this is-- a Lids? 282 00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,601 ANNOUNCER: Lids: come get a camouflage Knicks hat 283 00:12:49,752 --> 00:12:51,160 and let one rip. 284 00:12:51,221 --> 00:12:52,996 Find us in the corner of the mall 285 00:12:53,014 --> 00:12:55,565 where all the lights are going on and off. 286 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,357 Thanks for the ride. 287 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,433 And your unsolicited racial theories. 288 00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:11,030 I'm telling you: is the Turks, every time. 289 00:13:11,182 --> 00:13:14,417 -Merry Christmas. -(speaking native language) 290 00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:26,696 And now, to ruin Christmas. 291 00:13:26,798 --> 00:13:28,197 (gasps) 292 00:13:28,258 --> 00:13:31,184 Who left all these dirty dishes out? 293 00:13:32,203 --> 00:13:33,703 Okay, much better. 294 00:13:33,763 --> 00:13:37,190 I'm not even gonna think about the grocery situation. 295 00:13:40,103 --> 00:13:42,153 (sighs) 296 00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:45,240 (gasps) 297 00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:51,571 Okay. Ruin Christmas. Here we go. 298 00:13:51,723 --> 00:13:53,832 Don't even care if they transferred the wet clothes 299 00:13:54,025 --> 00:13:57,151 from the washer to the dryer. 300 00:13:57,254 --> 00:14:00,839 Oh, you see? I knew it. I knew it. 301 00:14:01,032 --> 00:14:04,133 ♪ ♪ 302 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:21,175 STEWIE: Santa Claus? 303 00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,769 Why are you taking our Christmas tree? 304 00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:27,590 Why are you in pigtails and a little girl's nightgown? 305 00:14:27,692 --> 00:14:31,953 Okay, okay, maybe we both forget what we saw. 306 00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:40,937 God, I hate being alone during the holidays. 307 00:14:40,997 --> 00:14:43,272 Wait! 308 00:14:43,333 --> 00:14:45,775 Hello, Joan. My name is Glenn Quagmire. 309 00:14:45,793 --> 00:14:47,719 I'm just calling to see if I have a payment due 310 00:14:47,912 --> 00:14:49,612 on my Discover card. 311 00:14:49,631 --> 00:14:51,890 What? No, I'm not alone on Christmas. 312 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:55,727 I'll have you know I'm actually here with my very large family. 313 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,730 Uh, prove it by telling you my children's real names 314 00:14:58,923 --> 00:15:01,215 that don't sound like I made them up in a panic? 315 00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:04,444 Uh, uh, Bloofus and Klunt. 316 00:15:05,630 --> 00:15:07,221 Look, there's kids, okay? 317 00:15:07,324 --> 00:15:09,148 Oh, what, you don't believe me? 318 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,300 Bloofus, that vase was irreplaceable. 319 00:15:11,319 --> 00:15:13,060 Oh, boy, Joan, I'm gonna have to let you go. 320 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:15,805 Wait. You think I was the one who knocked over that vase? 321 00:15:15,865 --> 00:15:17,807 How dare you, madam. 322 00:15:18,643 --> 00:15:20,810 Oh, now Klunt's acting up. Don't have kids, Joan. 323 00:15:20,870 --> 00:15:23,588 It's a big mistake. Merry Christmas. (beeps) 324 00:15:33,124 --> 00:15:34,748 (all gasp) 325 00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:38,511 Merry Christmas, everybo... Hey, what happened? 326 00:15:38,663 --> 00:15:40,772 Peter, I... I think we've been robbed. 327 00:15:40,965 --> 00:15:42,607 (gasps) I can't believe it. 328 00:15:42,758 --> 00:15:44,350 They stole the presents, they stole the decorations. 329 00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,945 They even stole our tree. 330 00:15:47,138 --> 00:15:49,338 I want my presents. 331 00:15:49,399 --> 00:15:50,673 Okay, let's just settle down. 332 00:15:50,692 --> 00:15:52,175 Everybody kneel in the backyard 333 00:15:52,235 --> 00:15:54,435 in front of Daddy's big pre-dug hole. 334 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,179 You know, Peter, this never would've happened 335 00:15:56,197 --> 00:15:58,347 if you hadn't gotten rid of that Ring doorbell camera. 336 00:15:58,408 --> 00:16:01,184 Ugh, someone crapped on the porch again. 337 00:16:01,244 --> 00:16:02,961 I'm checking the footage. 338 00:16:04,655 --> 00:16:06,464 Whoever it was probably had no choice, is my guess. 339 00:16:06,657 --> 00:16:08,357 Their family was probably using all the bathrooms. 340 00:16:08,418 --> 00:16:10,718 That's probably what happened, whoever did that. 341 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:18,534 ANNOUNCER (over TV): We now return to Tony Bennett's 342 00:16:18,594 --> 00:16:20,720 Half-Asleep Christmas Spectacular. 343 00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:23,889 ♪ A-jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle bells... ♪ 344 00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:25,316 (snores) 345 00:16:25,468 --> 00:16:26,559 PRODUCER: Tony! 346 00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,802 ♪ Fa, la, la, la, la... ♪ 347 00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:31,030 -(snores) -ANNOUNCER: Coming up on Tony Bennett's 348 00:16:31,182 --> 00:16:32,824 Half-Asleep Christmas Spectacular, 349 00:16:33,017 --> 00:16:34,884 a duet with Willie Nelson. 350 00:16:34,986 --> 00:16:36,828 ♪ ♪ 351 00:16:37,021 --> 00:16:38,237 (both snoring) 352 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,223 PRODUCER: Guys! 353 00:16:40,241 --> 00:16:42,241 -♪ O, come ♪ -♪ Just hear those ♪ 354 00:16:42,393 --> 00:16:44,002 -♪ Let us adore him ♪ -♪ Sleigh bells ringing ♪ 355 00:16:44,153 --> 00:16:45,652 ♪ And jing-jing-jingling, too... ♪ 356 00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:48,822 I'm back from Mexico, and definitely not 357 00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:51,342 -Cost Plus World Market. -Welcome back, Lois. 358 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,252 I cleaned and got groceries. 359 00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:56,330 But I'm afraid we have bad news: we've been robbed. 360 00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:57,998 Robbed? 361 00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:00,426 On Christmas? (gasps) 362 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,078 Oh, my God. 363 00:17:02,138 --> 00:17:03,670 I-I go away for one Christmas, 364 00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:05,506 and everything goes down the drain. 365 00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,767 All of you must feel so terrible. 366 00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:11,362 Well, we did, until we realized there was one present 367 00:17:11,555 --> 00:17:13,923 -we still had. -There is? 368 00:17:13,983 --> 00:17:16,776 -Yeah, Mom. Yours. -(gasps) 369 00:17:16,928 --> 00:17:20,446 Remember how you said you wanted a gift from the heart this year? 370 00:17:20,598 --> 00:17:22,782 Well, we all got you something. 371 00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:24,375 We kept it upstairs because we didn't think 372 00:17:24,568 --> 00:17:26,118 you'd be here for Christmas. 373 00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:28,637 Oh, well, that's nice. 374 00:17:28,639 --> 00:17:31,031 We really made a point to stay on top of the dishes 375 00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:32,441 while you were gone. 376 00:17:32,502 --> 00:17:35,178 Here you go, Mom. It's from all of us. 377 00:17:36,872 --> 00:17:38,372 Read the card first. 378 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,017 We put Brian's name on it, but he's just the dog. 379 00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:43,061 "Dear Mom, we're sorry 380 00:17:43,254 --> 00:17:45,454 "we disappointed you this Christmas. 381 00:17:45,473 --> 00:17:46,972 "We know you put a lot of hard work 382 00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,125 "into making Christmas memorable. 383 00:17:49,143 --> 00:17:51,885 "We love and appreciate everything you do. 384 00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:53,887 "We'll never let you down again. 385 00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:56,723 That you can count on." 386 00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:58,818 Wow. That's... 387 00:17:58,953 --> 00:18:00,820 that's really nice. 388 00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:03,155 -There's more on the back. -Oh. 389 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,474 "You see, having a mom is not something 390 00:18:05,535 --> 00:18:08,569 "we take for granted, because you only get one. 391 00:18:08,630 --> 00:18:12,665 "And the one we have is perfect in every way. 392 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,834 We love you." (gasps) 393 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,819 It's beautiful, you guys. 394 00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:18,930 Now use this black light to read what we wrote 395 00:18:19,123 --> 00:18:20,823 in invisible ink while This Is Us' 396 00:18:20,925 --> 00:18:23,993 "sad stuff's about to happen" acoustic guitar plays. 397 00:18:24,053 --> 00:18:25,161 ♪ ♪ 398 00:18:25,221 --> 00:18:27,421 "Mom, from the very start, 399 00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:29,423 "you've always been there for us. 400 00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:31,609 "And we know you've always supported us 401 00:18:31,802 --> 00:18:35,780 "and would never do anything to let us down or hurt us. 402 00:18:35,973 --> 00:18:38,950 "Thanks for making every Christmas so memorable. 403 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,953 We love you so much, Mom." 404 00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:44,580 Oh, God, I'm gonna cry. 405 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,168 And look up in the sky. 406 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,633 Aw, we should've read that one first. 407 00:18:55,826 --> 00:18:58,052 Now open your present. 408 00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:02,590 (chuckles) Wow. 409 00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:04,200 W-What is it? 410 00:19:04,218 --> 00:19:06,869 It's a bowl we all made for you in a pottery class. 411 00:19:06,888 --> 00:19:09,981 A denim-shirted lesbian named CJ helped us. 412 00:19:10,174 --> 00:19:11,965 It's... (grunts) 413 00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:13,317 it's beautiful. 414 00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:14,652 NARRATOR: And what happened next? 415 00:19:14,845 --> 00:19:17,321 Well, in Quahog they say, 416 00:19:17,514 --> 00:19:21,576 Lois's heart grew three sizes that day. 417 00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,221 (monitor beeping) 418 00:19:25,281 --> 00:19:27,056 Never seen anything like it. 419 00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:29,149 Very dangerous. She's lucky to be alive. 420 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:30,984 ♪ ♪ 421 00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:33,729 -Thank God you're okay. -We love you, Mom. 422 00:19:33,789 --> 00:19:36,399 Best Christmas ever. 423 00:19:36,417 --> 00:19:40,160 NARRATOR: The medical emergency distractd the family from her crimes. 424 00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,662 She never did confess. 425 00:19:41,723 --> 00:19:43,923 Instead, the Griffins' Muslim neighbor 426 00:19:44,075 --> 00:19:45,850 was arrested for the break-in. 427 00:19:46,001 --> 00:19:50,188 Lois said nothing and the man was deported back to Turkey. 428 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,005 DRIVER: See? What I tell you? 429 00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,599 Always Turkey. 430 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,443 (speaking gibberish) 431 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,109 Well, it's good to have you back, Lois. 432 00:20:04,262 --> 00:20:06,595 (laughs): If I kept having to wash dishes and buy groceries, 433 00:20:06,656 --> 00:20:09,265 -I was gonna go crazy. -Okay. 434 00:20:09,325 --> 00:20:12,952 So, Mom, who are these cousins you were in Mexico with? 435 00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:15,438 Oh, you know, just my cousins. 436 00:20:15,498 --> 00:20:17,048 -Which ones? -Yeah, Mom. 437 00:20:17,241 --> 00:20:18,716 Prove it by telling us cousin names 438 00:20:18,909 --> 00:20:21,052 that don't sound like you made them up in a panic. 439 00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:23,128 (raspberry) Of course I can do that. 440 00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:26,632 My good, close cousins Bloofus and Klunt. 441 00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:31,712 (chuckles) In fact, I think I hear them upstairs right now. 442 00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:33,064 (rapid footsteps) 443 00:20:33,257 --> 00:20:35,291 Bloofus? Klunt? 444 00:20:35,393 --> 00:20:37,810 -(thudding, clattering) -Oh, no, Bloofus, 445 00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:41,297 not Meg's diorama project, which is due tomorrow. 446 00:20:41,357 --> 00:20:43,649 -(thudding, crashing) -Oh, no, Klunt, 447 00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,801 that was Stewie's aquarium with the fish 448 00:20:45,861 --> 00:20:47,303 you have to feed so damn much 449 00:20:47,363 --> 00:20:49,413 and they basically always die anyway. 450 00:20:49,565 --> 00:20:51,490 Frickin' Klunt, man. 451 00:20:51,626 --> 00:20:55,419 LOIS: Bloofus, put down Peter's pills that came in a discreet box. 452 00:20:55,612 --> 00:20:56,754 Got to go. 453 00:20:56,905 --> 00:20:58,314 (rapid footsteps) 454 00:20:58,374 --> 00:21:00,816 -PETER: Bloofus. -(toilet flushes) 455 00:21:00,835 --> 00:21:02,510 Bloofus! 456 00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:34,500 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH